Monday, October 7, 2002 09:30 p.m.

Currently listening to: Fields of Gold, Eva Cassidy

I did have a good day on Saturday, but now that it's over (and I'm back at school) everything has just come crashing down again. I really need sleep, I think, but must stay up and watch Queer as Folk before I'm able to get any of that. Another of my issues is a certain girl at school that has a very obvious problem with me, and there is no reason. I don't know what her problem is, but she's such a bitch. She dislikes everyone, but doesn't go out of her way to make them feel suicidal like she does with me. Honestly, I probably could have called today a good (school) day if it wasn't for her.

Upon my mother's suggestion, I am applying for special consideration from QTAC for my OP because of my... condition. I never would have thought of it, but apparently my skipping out of school so often had affected my grades. It probably has. But unfortunately I need "documentation" which proves as much, so I have to go and see another psychologist. I'm sick of those, they don't do a thing and make me feel very uncomfortable. It's really not very fair that I should be specially considered. If other people are happy and I'm not, that shouldn't get me special priveledges.

I've got a bit of a hero-worship thing going on with Holly at the moment. She's so nice, and happy and friendly, and loud. Pretty much everything I wish I was, but know I will never be. The thing is, she's the first person like that to actually want to talk to me. To have someone like that talk to me makes me feel... popular. Believe me, I know I'm not, and I really wouldn't want to be. But sometimes it's just nice to think that you matter; that you're the person people want to talk to, instead of being the person people talk to when there's no one they'd prefer available. I've depressed myself again now. But what's new? The End.

Sunday, October 6, 2002 04:22 p.m.

I have only two Manics' music videos on tape. Thank God the one I missed last night was one of those. The Vines hosted Rage last night and my God they have good taste in music. Manics, Blur, Nirvana, other shit... it's all marvellously good. I only know this because I checked the playlist, though. Having spent many hours in Brisbane being thrilled by famous musicians I was too tired tp stay awake.

Yesterday was probably the best day of my life. To be able to see Shirley Manson and Billy Idol from about five metres (or less) away, it was just incredible. These people who are known all around the world, right in front of me. Billy Idol looked terrific in delightfully tight leather pants, and he did the Dancing With Myself song! And Shirley wore a tu-tu! She sang When I grow Up (but no Androgyny unfortunately)! It was a good day.

Thursday, October 3, 2002 01:10 a.m.

Currently listening to: River, Joni Mitchell

I'm fully aware that I've slipped back. Things haven't been this bad for weeks. I really thought that maybe I was better for good this time, but I was wrong. I shouldn't be surprised. When you've been the way I am for as long as I have, you'd have to be stupid to assume it could all just go away. I just hate myself so much most of the time. There isn't a single ting for me to look forward to, so what's the point? I'll always feel this way, I should just give up now.

Wednesday, October 2, 2002 07:06 p.m.

They all hate me. Everyone. I wish I was dead. These scissors look pretty sharp...

Monday, September 30, 2002 03:28 p.m.

No one ask how I found this out, but there exists an American band called
Todd Bridges and the Whatchu Talking 'Bout Willis Experience
and I don't know whether this is funny or really wrong, but there's also one called
H.I.V. and The Positives

Monday, September 30, 2002 02:18 p.m.

Currently listening to: Comfortable, King Adora

I saw the hottest, most sexy (hate that word!) thing ever at Rach's birthday party last night. Obviously the day was changed, to Sunday. Anyway... Ricky and Shay both got drunk, and I was able to convince them to stick their toungues down each others throats. A few times. I'm certainly not creeped out by Ricky anymore. In fact I, off my face at Rach's on Saturday night, asked him out. If Candice wasn't wishing death upon me, I'd be kind of happy right now. I don't know what to do. He makes me want to die less.

Saturday, September 28, 2002 04:34 p.m.

Currently listening to: Been Caught Stealing, Jane's Addiction

Rachel's birthday party is tonight. Unfortunately, I don't know when it starts, when it ends, or if I'll actually go. I really don't want want to see creepy Ricky (ever again) so its possible that I'll be staying home. I also fear the alcohol. It's evil, you know.

Yesterday we went to Brisbane with a portion of Candice's family, and I finally got Gold Against The Soul, second hand. It must never have been released in Australia, because not only do neither HMV or Sanity carry it, but my version is British. I was able to get The Everlasting single too, for eight dollars. Candice (my Nicky, eee!) and I found the next three CDs I'm buying, at the big downstairs HMV: the Hedwig soundtrack, the Labyrinth soundtrack, and The Sensual World by Kate Bush, none of which I thought were available in Australia. Time for the saving of money.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002 09:54 p.m.

Currently listening to: Lullaby, Lamb

I've been at home all day for the first time this holidays. It's not boring yet, but it probably will be by tomorrow. I bought a new purple shirt from the Salvation Army Opshop today for three dollars, and painted 'Methadone Pretty' on the front, so the day wasn't completely wasted. We're going to the lovely, lovely Brisbane city with Candice's family on Friday, and even though I was there on Monday (I took the train!) I'm still excited. At least this time I won't feel I have to try to impress people with... me.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002 08:40 p.m.

"Where the hell have I been?" is probably the question. "I'm not really sure..." would be the answer.

Things are weird, and different now. I'm kind of friends with all of Rach's new friends but not really. I was on Year 12 retreat last Wednesday through Friday. I'm really fucking lost in a sea of many field trips and self-loathing. And now its time for to watch the Queer as Folk UK series finale so I don't have time to go into detail about any of it. Help me.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002 01:13 p.m.

Currently listening to: Little Red Corvette, Prince [still]

Gah, I can't stop listening to this song! I keep trying to move onto something else, but I just get pulled back in again. I should hate it too, cause the words are really creepy!

I love Richey. I love, love, love, love, love him. But I sometimes forget there's other people too. Like Brian and Damon and Mr Nicky. I love them too. And I love Shirley Manson with her old hair. Kate Bush, back in the late seventies, was absolutely gorgeous. Ah, all the beautiful people. Wait isn't that somewhat like a Marilyn Manson song title? Oh fuck, do I love my Richey. I'm looking at pictures of him right now, and every single one is beautiful. Watching him and Nicky grope each other is the best thing I'll see in my life.

Monday, September 16, 2002 11:11 p.m.

Currently listening to: Little Red Corvette, Prince

I've become somewhat addicted to this song, and this game. I also did this quiz...

i am an indie snob!

How indie are you? test by ridethefader
You're just too cool for school, aren't you? You're pretty narrow minded and opinionated with regards to music (and probably most other things as well). But you're allowed to be, because you really are better than everyone else. You take pride in obscurity. You probably prefer vinyl too, you elitist bitch.

Monday, September 16, 2002 11:30 a.m.

Currently listening to: Suffocate, King Adora

So much for me not being affected by taking too many of those damn pills. Since about 9pm last night I've felt very ill, been shivering violently, and (though I didn't know it was posible) all of my teeth ache. It's lasting a long time, too. I'm glad everyone else has to go to school, otherwise I'd be getting all sorts of questions about it.

Sunday, September 15, 2002 07:04 p.m.

Just took four anti-depressants with Diet Coke. The box claimed that I'm meant to take one per day with food in the morning, but what the hell do they know? My chest feels a bit tight, and I'm a bit dizzy, but apart from that I'm fine. So much for being invited to do QTAC things tomorrow, and to the movies on Tuesday, hey? Never mind, if this kills me it won't matter. It probably won't do anything, but I can hope. Just listening to all the most beautiful songs just in case. Please let me die.

Sunday, September 15, 2002 04:40 p.m.

Currently listening to: Smells like Booty, Nirvana/Destiny's Child

Everything was all shot to hell last night. Really fucked it up. Such insanity, and I'm worse off than I was before. God, I was never meant to tell anyone anything, it's just the way it goes. All this effort, and all in one night I have no secrets at all. And I haven't progressed to anywhere, I'm still scared of everyone, I'm never invited. I still would very much like to die. Nothing's better. The End.

Saturday, September 14, 2002 11:12 a.m.

Currently listening to: Rhiannon, Fleetwood Mac

Aauuuugh! No! Fanfiction.net has just gone and done the worst thing to me. It could possibly be the biggest internet related disaster ever. They've deleted bandfic. All of it. No more Manicslash, no more updates to that story about Jason and Eminem, no more stories about slutty Mr Molko. Nothing. But that's onlt tied for the worst thing that they did. There's also no more NC-17. The very best rating of all is gone. I'm not going back there ever again, probably. What's the point? It still hasn't fully sunk in yet; that the website I've probably spent the most time on in the last year is gone in any usable form. Gah! It just really, really sux.

Finished the term (pretty much), except for the religiousness of the retreat next week. Four more weeks of school in which there is lessons, unless I repeat, for the rest of my life. Hmm. I'm in a weird eeeeh growing up place today. I'm going to the eighteenth birthday party of someone I've known forever tonight. So he's old, I'm old, Brian got old and lost his good hair... Aging sux, and I wish it never had to happen to anyone. The End.

Thursday, September 12, 2002 08:02 a.m.

Okay, now it's just getting ridiculous. Why the hell has fanfiction.net closed for September 11? That's stupid! How does that help anyone? It's certainly not helping me, and I'm really desperate to read something I started days ago and have been trying to finish ever since. I think the MSN/Hotmail website is down as well, because neither were working for Anna last night. Just stop it, please. I'm not heartless, just annoyed and sick of it. The End.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002 11:16 a.m.

Currently listening to: Nightswimming, REM

I got carried away and forgot to talk about something happier. Sure, I could edit what I'd already written like I usually do, but I didn't feel like it. Look at this page! I'm too addicted to the colours black and red, aren't I? Yep, surely am. Oooh, I just found out who does that You can go your own waaaaaay song. It's Fleetwood Mac, and dammit, I should have known that. Fleetwood Mac are cool. I wish I had Stevie Nicks' cool eighties hair, and so should everyone.

I never have anything to say. Oh, but I am excited about Saturday for lots of reasons. I know, me looking forward to something, since when does that happen?! Exams will be over, thank God. I'll have a four day weekend because I'm not going on camp until Wednesday. Mum will be finished her assignment too, so I'll finally be able to use the computer at times other than when she's not home. I'm going to Brisbane for a party that could possibly be boring, but will distract me from things anyway. It's all lovely good. The End.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002 10:55 a.m.

Currently listening to: Jesus Was Way Cool, King Missile

I am so enjoying today. I mean, I've never felt so alive and excited! Hmm, what day is it? September 11? There's... something about that date, but I can't... quite... remember. Wait, yes I can! Because I've watched TV during the last two weeks! Australians, please calm down. I don't like to be at all political (causes conflict, my biggest fear after spiders and being stabbed) but I think we should leave everything to do with today for America to do. Please. All of these TV specials about last year are making me sick. We don't want to see it. We're not going to forget. I saw the whole thing realtime last year, I stayed up from 11pm (when it was first announced, I happened to be watching the news which I never do, on the channel that announced it first) until 4am, and had to go to school the next day. We all thought we were going to die. We don't want to see it anymore. Also, if you think about it, since September 11 doesn't start in America for approximately four more hours, we should all just calm right down. It hasn't arrived. We'll be fine.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 03:32 p.m.

Currently listening to: Life Becoming a Landslide, Manic Street Preachers

I've been working on my English assignment (which must be finished tomorrow) all goddamn day, and I'm extremely bored. I can't stop though, because once Mum gets home she'll need the computer for the rest of the night. Dammit, I don't actually care about animal cruelty, why do I have to talk about it for at least seven minutes? Okay, maybe I care a bit. But God, reading about it for hours does not make for a day of fun. The End.

Sunday, September 8, 2002 11:36 p.m.

Currently listening to: The Wild Ones, Suede

I haven't much been listening to Suede lately. But I saw a half-hour show on CableABC about them on Friday while I was waiting for RAGE to start, and heard a bit of this song. It's off an album of theirs I hadn't heard any of, and it sounded pretty nice, so I got it off KaZaA. Gorgeous. If this song doesn't prove that Brett and Bernard were sleeping together before Bernard quit... well, something else must. Because they definitely were.

It's taken me an hour, but I think I now have an acceptable new image at the top of the page. Richey again, of course. This time it's kinda hard to tell it's him, though. That's actually a guitar he's holding, but my eyes are more drawn to the pretty flowery blouse he's wearing more than anything else.

Next week I'm going to a party! In Brisbane! We're meant to dress up as something starting with 'K', but what honestly starts with that letter? I would get all fancy-lovely, and claim I'm King Adora, but since that's a group of people and not one person it kind of breaks the rules. The effort involved when getting dressed up will probably be too much for me, and I'll end up in a painted shirt and eighties skirt again like I did the day I went to the city. At least I'll be comfortable.

I was very unwell last week. So anyone holding whatever I wrote then against me? Stop it now. I'm much better now, and am hoping to stay that way. My Glamour Twins Pornography helps. For people who can't understand that term, don't be scared. It's not real pornography. The End.