/deviantart/facebook/pitas/
artblog/collective/
dream sketchblog
Whiskey & Ink
thoughts or comments go here
ashley 2.oh
twenty-three/age
kc, missouri, usa/locate
everything amazes me. i'm still a child.
i love siamese cats.
i'm bipolar, but that's all right. i'm honored.
i carry on, i burn.
i breathe life back into whiplash and it burns again.
yeah, one two three 4
paludarium blues /
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
"Like ice cream floats and dreams
And I will fill your heart with boats and bells
And beams and candy-appled everythings
Bells and beams and candy-appled everythings"
i can remember the first taste; fresh, still youth
warm rice milk and lily textured crème, flowering but
never deeply enough to cleanse.
tongue the infinite sweet of skin (please don't end),
please don't defend against the heat.
i dropped my eyes to concentrate on his story. i was far away, straining. might he come to deplore me? i felt love much later, long after this fool had crossed me. he missed his chance of a sweet, quiet humility.
i gave them what they wanted; a long conversation, a winded declaration to prove that they exist, just to prove that this is it, just to smooth out doubts and counter ills resounding out like trinket trills.
ah, her confident eyes, i want them back. glossy, like a morning thicket fawn grown fat. mossy cheeks to glean dew from the morning fogs. delicate beaded eyelashes framing thoughts. i lament the lady who instead intensely looked away, because i may never know what she caught. i weep for the girl who closed her eyes, because she will forever feel lost.
but i was born sick, always waning nostalgic.
it is simply a taste i will never forget.
"I feel I'm just a child
Sinking down one hundred million miles"
04:45 a.m.
[aching] let me help you down /
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
there is a privacy in early morning, an intimacy with the scattering of light that few adventurous and restless souls will witness. the crawl of cobalt smoking out the stars, i find this to be a true witching hour.
i toe the dirt and leave a scar. back and forth, feeling my bare skin slice through the dense, comforting humidity cooled by the night. press and lean, gaining height without notice. i am willingly seduced by this gentle temptation in clover patches, the thick breeze and leaves saturated by perfumes of mysterious honeysuckle and jasmine. grand trees did take other forms, consuming clever tosses of light artists dream of; it was beauty of a selective nature, pouring out of my eyes in every direction.
in such a glorified moment of silence, how could my mind be still?
the fireflies danced like summer children about my feet, eight feet high; they laughed at my worries, naive to our night's end. but the stars--bled out of the sky with inky hues-- faded with whispers of sound judgement.
Keep coming now
Possessed of nothing more than hell
Before I can speak
My world is wishing me asleep...
Weigh me down
And when the darkness comes around
Repeating heads
Remember nothing I have said
Where are you?
Come back again, I want you to
'Not now, girl' you say
But I was born to lose my breath.
-My Bloody Valentine
08:26 a.m.
reset ----- /
Monday, June 6, 2011
It's our Rhythm; mania and melancholia
looking out and breathing in
The wolf and the lamb divide my thoughts, immortalized
by pale bruised skin.
there is a softness of thought that plays like a riddle in my chest. there is confusion thunderous in my belly, sudden radiation of uncomfortable anxiety pouring out onto my nerves. the uncertainty, the illness of being poor. the disease of the mindful. that wretched melancholy, breathing into my head convincingly the life that once was. i have lived as so many different people, edging forward with humility or pain, stark changes and subtle winds.
but that's just it, i sigh to myself. for these winds are often not so gentle, and i am rooted to it with the core of my being. and a force like a tornado has no path, and nor do i- we carve out our footsteps in the earth for others to remember.
10:28 p.m.
a heart's settlement in the forest /
Friday, December 11, 2009
i open this old book and its spine crackles with age, abused with the times and weather and its careless care. soon i will leave without saying a word out loud to anyone, and i will get in my car, and i will cash my paycheck, and i will drive and drive and drive. i will drive so my heart has something to remind it of, things and places, and so my heart can selfishly hurt and wrench without judgment. reach a crescendo of pain, pain i risked, and never hurt that much again.
i am not a fool. i have never told myself that. i walk around, giving my heart away to incredible people. that is what i do. if i continue, then my heart will be battered with experiences. if i stop and hold it to myself without budging, it will be safe and cold.
the reason why it hurts so much, the reason i cradle this old private space no monopoly or treason has ended, is because last night in my drunken boast of heart and joy, i thought of the one i loved, and i love them very much. i would do anything to be the foundation for them, and i would not shake or doubt, i would last and bathe them in the love they deserve from me. i took a chance. i risked it, like i've never risked it before.
why can i have not what i want the most? how can i be trying, and trying, and trying so hard to be a good person to spread my love and care and to be as kind as possible, even to the rude, even to the hateful. why am i never allowed this love, why must i always be so alone in my journey? the answer is fragments of comfort and patience. the answer wraps around me without a name, somewhat vague but obviously so, and it warms my heart up with pain and determination. the answer itself is not an answer, but a confirmation that my efforts, my love will not always be so rejected and strengthening. the answer tells me, you will not always be met with challenge, and your heart will not always be shaped for strength. the answer cries with me, because it understands the will it takes to guide myself through these times without selfish pity or anger.
and i walk on and i walk through. soon i will be packing my things and saying goodbye to this life i made for myself here, the love i gave here and the love given to me. my beautiful mistakes earned with blood and tears, and my quiet triumphs edging me forward. i will look back on this era and weep for the bigger picture it fits into. and i will smile through my tears and leave quietly, without notice or warning, not to cause pain but because i never truly leave.
02:52 p.m.
link to me? - - - -
please save on to your own server.
/myspace/xanga
OLD
OLDER