No, still not growing
Thursday, October 27, 2005
WAH LAO. There's something seriously wrong with me. I'm hungry ALL THE TIME. I've been hunting for food since morning, and I even ate cup noodles during tuition. -.- Then I weighed myself today, and found I lost 2 kg in about 2 weeks.
WTF! (I would complain some more, but I'm hungry. Again.)
this dragon flamed at 06:32 p.m..
Am I a guy? Are YOU?
Monday, October 24, 2005
Girls want guys who act like girls (bishounen, anyone?)
Guys, on the other hand, don't like girls who act like guys. So we can conclude they want pure-bred girls.
If everyone wants a girl, then many unwanted girls out there must secretly be male.
this dragon flamed at 08:44 p.m..
bloody pop-ups
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I hate internet explorer because it tells me that I am single, poor and desperate.
It also seems to think that I am lesbian. Which is, thankfully, incorrect.
HA, internet explorer, ha.
this dragon flamed at 09:04 a.m..
I think my dream guy wouldn't like me very much
Saturday, October 15, 2005
The saddest thing about giving your heart away is that there are no refunds.
Casual flirting sucks, because the guy will disappear and leave you wondering if you'll ever see him again, what might have happened and feeling more lonely than ever. Then again, it probably wouldn't have worked out.
this dragon flamed at 07:29 p.m..
If I was a soda machine, I'd be sad over people drinking my soda babies
Friday, October 14, 2005
Dogs only want to be cuddled and fed. They're like guys, if you replace cuddling with having sex. Dogs have it easier than guys- they get away with making a mess while peeing, having lots of body hair just makes them cuter, and its okay if they don't understand what you say, because you don't make sense to them either.
I have obviously been reading too much of girls-suck. I need to read something like guys-suck, to put me in the right perspective......or, I just need to mug more.
I'm stupid, because I only want what I can't have. Therefore, if I am unable to mug, I'll be struck with a sudden desire to do so! It's a perfect plan, if only it wasn't so paradoxical.
Poll: Would you rather love someone and get hurt, or have a series of placid and safe relationships, but with no real feelings?
this dragon flamed at 05:10 p.m..
sew this up with threads of reason and regret
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I once said that if i wanted to diet, I'd be such a failure. I am SO right.
So, I recently decided that I needed to exercise more- with the ceasation of c ball games in p.e, I can practically feel my arteries clogging up with cholesterol. I am very very very out of shape. -.-
With that end in mind, I decided to run all the way down to school today for the c ball match between 4L and M, and for chem remedial too. Speaking of which, the game was DAMN fun, but I got out of breath in the first five minutes into the game. Like, wtf? I think wl makes a very good captain though. Her "sticky hands" technique, shared by yongqing, ensures she catches the ball 4 times out of 5!
Back to my tale of woe. After nicely sweating out all my fats, and being roasted brown in the sun, the very FIRST thing i do is to stuff myself with LAYS chips. Thats great- I just undid all my work. And THEN, when I get home, I EAT EVEN MORE! I finished up my ritter sport chocolate, and ate a fat, oily chicken chop for dinner. Right now, I can totally feel fat deposits building up along my arteries. I AM GOING TO DIE OF ARTHEROSCLEROSIS BEFORE I'M EVEN SIXTEEN!
this dragon flamed at 07:58 p.m..
Life: 1 Me: 0
Sunday, October 9, 2005
"Bernice is always angsty on her blog." Do you agree with the statement? E.Y.A.
Alright, its true that i AM quite angsty and whiny on my blog. But its not ALL the time- though probably the majority of the time it is. I guess its because only when I am depressed, do I give myself over into a period of brooding, and sometimes i feel an urge to attempt to express those thoughts on this blog. I seldom think of most of my posts as angsty, I would like to think that I am simply attempting to use my blog as a medium to put my thoughts in order. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.
As it is, I seldom blog for the entertainment of others- I mean if you like to read my blog because I'm a good writer (most preferred), or because you find my entries interesting (second most preferred), or simply because u were bored and u're a friend of mine (unfortunately, the most likely), well then, im happy to have you here. But mostly, I blog for my own sake, which is why most of my entries aren't as happy and bubbly as I'd like them to be. Generally because when im thinking, or pmsing, the tone of my entries tend to become more solemn. It's a method of healing for me, sort of a way to draw out the poison.
I've been told that my entries are boring, and well- fine, im cool with that. I just hope that eventually I'll improve as a writer, until I am able to find words that are able to strike a chord within others. I'm sure that my words may seem trite to some, or overly melodramatic to others. But hey, maybe Orsino himself was misrepresented. One day, I'll stop stealing the words of others, because by then I'll be making quotes for myself. Or maybe I'll just grow out of blogging. Who knows?
this dragon flamed at 04:33 p.m..
fried mars bars = bliss
Saturday, October 8, 2005
Things move in a circle, and people often revive buried relationships in an attempt to seek comfort from the people they once loved deeply. But for some, the past cannot be revisited without dire consequences- for the stakes are always higher than previously and the foundation shakier. At the same time, the outcome for those successful is brighter, happier and all the more beautiful for it. It makes me both glad and sad to see this. Yet what is it that I grief for? I do not know. Possibly its because of my own selfish desire to find someone for myself, who'll love me as much as I love him. Possibly I am still wallowing in self-pity, examining my memories to pin-point the exact moment everything went wrong.
In my defence, I can only say that it is harder to move on than people say it is. It is easy to declare that you are over him/her, but few people can actually live up to their words. If you are able to say "I'm moving on" and completely close that chapter of ur life and start anew, then u either did not place much importance on that relationship, or u're the type of person the world needs more of. We feel a need to analyse our mistakes, to wonder if its our fault, if we had been less controlling/depressive/annoying/whiny/bitchy, things wouldn't have gone wonky. We reminisce on previous good times, and forget all the times we've been hurt so bad we felt like dying. Sometimes we reach a conclusion in our angsting, sometimes we don't. This is one of the times I don't. I probably need a few more whiny posts to get this out of my system, so I shall warn any bored person who actually reads my posts beforehand. That is, if you read all the way to the end of this post in the first place. Which I doubt.
this dragon flamed at 09:16 p.m..
not cute, but you're oh so pretty, when the rain comes, you'll find love again
Saturday, October 8, 2005
"I've sat here for a good hour and a half trying to write an entry out on what I've been thinking lately. But I can't, I guess that's what happens to me when I think about you. Why sometimes I'm quiet when normally I'm not. And I think it's why I didn't find a spark with the woman who has a lot of the same interests as me, because I couldn't get you off my mind.
So now what'm I to do?
Exactly, I don't know either."
-girls-suck.net
What am I doing reading posts at girls-suck.net? I don't know. The name alone should put me off, but I really like what they say at times.
this dragon flamed at 12:17 p.m..
Moderation, moderation, this is a game of moderation
Monday, October 3, 2005
I feel terrible. Its my dream come true, but I never meant for it to happen in such a cheaty way. I mean, its what I've always dreamt of, I should be estatic right? But now I feel like a dirty little liar. Its not fair, because moderation favours only those who manage to fall in the median. And its pure, dumb luck that the subjects that got the most moderation were the subjects I needed for my L1R5. I can think of many other people who deserve to get much higher than me, but didn't. And its just wrong- even I noe it, and so does everyone else. If I had gotten 7 or 8 points at the start, then I wouldn't have minded, cause at least I'm around that standard. But moderating 4 points is crazy, and the worst part is, I don't think I deserve it.
Its like cheating in a test, and getting rewarded for it. I think many other people hate moderation for this too. And I don't blame them.
this dragon flamed at 06:39 p.m..
I stay wrecked and jealous for this, for this simple reason I
Friday, September 30, 2005
English - A1
E Math - A1
Social Studies - A1
History - A1
Literature - A1
Chinese - B3
Biology - B3
A Math - B4
Chemistry - C5
L1R5: 10
Bloody hell. A math and Biology was such a disappointment. Apparently I managed to draw a chickpea out of proportion. WTH! Its a CHICKPEA! It looks like that because it IS like that! I mean, how wrong can a chickpea be? Haha. I shall hope for moderation. But wah. Some people are so irritating. Nvm. Time to start mugging.
this dragon flamed at 06:29 p.m..
3 more to go
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
DOOM.
Actually, today was quite okay. I felt like I was on an emotional see-saw. Prelims still matter a lot to me, even if I have dsa. Still, many thanks to Kevin and Gerard and the ppl in my study group and everyone who helped me to mug for my exams! Yay. Many many many thanks to Miss Devi. Her PEE thing really worked!
Omg. What are the chances of getting a1s for Bio, Lit and Amath now? >_< Please God, SAVE MEEEEEEE
this dragon flamed at 05:51 p.m..
pure, unadulterated desperation
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Fun fun fun. My key-board is spoilt, so I actually have to resort to using the on-screen keyboard. HOW COULD I HAVE SUNK SO LOW??? In other news, I am addicted to AC and ro
this dragon flamed at 03:58 p.m..
I'll be your friend, if you'll be mine.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
我的关怀方式是你无法察觉的悲凉
只能在你不经意时在锁上我心房
你往常的亲切友善，是我今生的遗憾
受伤后无悔地埋在不流露的脸上
1337 chinese writing skillz!
this dragon flamed at 07:30 p.m..
Noising AC
Saturday, September 17, 2005
1. Aeris, you're dead. Get over it.
2. Same for you, Zack
3. Rufus?! Why the hell are you alive?
4. Is it just me, or is Cloud immortal? He bleeds from one tiny graze from a bullet, but emerges unscathed from being stabbed and shot?
5. SO MUCH ANGST!
6. Some of the scenes between Cloud and Kadaj are just disturbing.
7. So....Kadaj has one whole box full of materia, but he only uses one?
8. The key antagonists are all cry-babies. Now THATS original.
9. Tifa, just bonk CLoud already.
10. Cloud soars through the sky by bouncing off his friends! A whole new twist to the superhero saga!
this dragon flamed at 03:01 p.m..
My bubble. Don't burst it.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Alright, that wasn't so bad. I mean, other than me not being able to do the second half of the linear law question, and losing 3 marks becos I couldn't finish, and getting 3 questions (or 2) wrong, it should be okay, right?
Aw man, I can't even do a decent job of deluding myself. I would cry to myself in a corner, but Advent Children awaits me.
this dragon flamed at 01:41 p.m..
"The whole world could disappear, as long as you never leave me"
Thursday, September 15, 2005
HELP ME I CANNOT DO AMATH!!!!!!! omgomgomg. So much for being better at amath than emath.
this dragon flamed at 06:34 p.m..
see the young man sittin' in the old men's bar, waiting for his turn to die
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I feel quite blur. I can't even really remember what happened during my prelims. I think my brain just shut down, or im blocking it out sub-consciously or whatever. I feel so slacky! I've been slacking like crazy. Its like I'm so tired I can't get myself to care about anything anymore. I am so drained, I am no longer able to torture myself over and over again in TEENAGE ANGST- SO DARK, SO PAINFUL!
...are you happy now?
this dragon flamed at 09:06 p.m..
A sense of inadequacy
Monday, September 12, 2005
is all I have. I feel sad when all the rain is gone.
No more dota discussions on my tag-board please. I think the only reason why you guys find it fun and all is because all your friends play it. =( so stop desecrating my tag-board!
this dragon flamed at 05:53 p.m..
disgruntled
Sunday, September 11, 2005
omfg. guys suck. GIRLS dont sprinkle. And they don't leave the toilet seat dirty either. Cleaning the toilet seat is NOT something you want to be doing first thing in the morning.
this dragon flamed at 10:31 a.m..
just say NO to dota
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I cannot believe I have succumbed. My hands are soiled. How can I ever look at myself in the face again? O_O
I have to go scrub myself clean of the taint now.
this dragon flamed at 08:07 p.m..
I like tea. Especially caramel tea. Lots and lots of tea.
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
My computer is dead. First my graphic card died, then my speakers died, and now some system file is corrupt. I love my life. I really do. On a related note, i read an sms right before trying to switch it on. It said: "Just so you can slack. Hmph. I shall...curse your comp!" Prophetic words indeed.
I was a fragment of a dream. A dream thats ended.
this dragon flamed at 07:22 p.m..
the innocent can never stay
Friday, September 2, 2005
Omg, i love those cheese crackers things by Kraft. The one with the processed cheese that you're supposed to spread on the crackers yourself, or eat it whole. Yum. But my brother ate up the whole box. I only had 3 packets. =(
If I ever wanted to diet, I'd be SUCH a failure.
this dragon flamed at 04:28 p.m..
When did I stop being a person and start being an obligation?
Friday, September 2, 2005
I wanted to forget, because I thought things would get better. But now I realise it just leaves me empty.
I can't win, can I?
this dragon flamed at 10:30 a.m..
w00tz!
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Oh baby i love you, and I'll never let you go
but if you spoil oh, phone, I think that you should know
all the fun we had, will never be the same
and i promise you that you will never be replaced
not til i get enough money, anyway.
this dragon flamed at 10:39 a.m..
too late, too late
Friday, August 12, 2005
Sometimes I'm such a failure I want to hole up in my room and never come out.I'm glad at least Claire proved Pang wrong.
committing the same folly again and again, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.
this dragon flamed at 08:57 p.m..
hair wax smells like fudge
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I want to learn how to spike my hair. Someone teach me.
So far all I've tried makes me look like i just came out of the shower.
this dragon flamed at 10:11 a.m..
National Day 2005
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
Hello Singapore
Happy 40th birthday, this is about the time you'll be reaching menopause and just ending your mid-life crisis (or was it starting?). That is, if you were human. As nations go, you're still quite young, so cheers!
Nevertheless, birthday and all aside, I think i'll puke if I see the national day video again. Far too much of Rui En's face, no matter how chio she is.
this dragon flamed at 03:33 p.m..
A fresh start, with less salt and more vegetables
Sunday, August 7, 2005
My hopes are crushed.
My dream phone costs $300 with plan. WTF.
Ugh. I'm so depressed.
this dragon flamed at 08:27 p.m..
Play Again? |Yes|No|
Saturday, August 6, 2005
Sometimes I think that the past few years are nothing but a dream. It feels like I just woke up, and suddenly the world is much larger and darker than i remembered. Suddenly, I am afraid.
Squares of white light on the stark walls, clock goes tick-tock-mid-night, (Canned laughter in the distance, why can't you hear it?)
Images in my head flicker ... ... ... still life
Clickrewindplayrewind
Kodak silences in the bubblegum soundtrack
Fast-forward please
this dragon flamed at 03:49 p.m..
I'm addicted to oldies!
Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Its true. I think I'm pickling. I don't want to grow up into a sour old cynic. =(
Rain please tell me now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don't care
I can't love another when my heart's somewhere far away
The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand-new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart
this dragon flamed at 06:58 p.m..
On my knees, looking for something small and precious
Saturday, July 30, 2005
The sky is colourless, and so high, too high, there is no end, its endless and the way back is obscured- the destination forgotten.
On days like this, my head feels swollen with thoughts that were left un-said, now never to be expressed, like the forgotten plastic bag rising up again from the clogged river's depth.
this dragon flamed at 08:56 p.m..
cynicism
Friday, July 29, 2005
It ain't gonna happen that way. You think that if you could find someone who truly understand you, someone like a cover-all plaster, your life will suddenly turn perfect. Everything will be bearable if only you could find someone who cares.
Dream on. Life's fucked up, always will be. The walls that you build up around yourself are there for a reason- take them down, and you run a risk of hurting yourself. In this world, the only people you can rely on are yourself and God. Expecting someone else to take the burden from you is stupid and naive. This is reality- grow up. Ain't strong enough? Then LEARN to be.
this dragon flamed at 09:44 p.m..
You're beautiful, its true
Thursday, July 28, 2005
People are always stronger, smarter and more capable than they think they are. Believe in yourself. It makes you feel better, even if it isn't true.
"I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
this dragon flamed at 07:52 p.m..
I want a new phone
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Hello. That's strange. I don't remember ever seeing you before. Let me make myself dizzy by turning round and round trying futilely to bite you.
This must be what my dog tells her tail everytime she spots it. Her new haircut must be making her crazy.
this dragon flamed at 09:09 p.m..
be quiet
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
everything moving faster and slower, ahead or behind, over and around, and people, words, flashes, silver everywhere, and in the middle, he is the eye. In the midst of it all, he is stranded. Everything's so fast it's still, he is still, unfathomably still, and alone.
this dragon flamed at 08:08 p.m..
Rock ya body like, check one two
Saturday, July 16, 2005
It fascinated me, the number of possibilities, or lack of them, that you could create for yourself if you were stubborn enough. Like an origami person, you can fold in on yourself, smaller and smaller, tighter and tighter
until you're safe in your empty castle
but you'll always be cold.
Because without God, who else do you have?
this dragon flamed at 04:32 p.m..
the end.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Its like picking at a scab- I can't halp myself, no I can't halp myself
Sugar pie, honey bunch reminds me of cornflakes.
this dragon flamed at 09:56 p.m..
Relative velocity: to me, everyone else is just going too fast
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Wtf. I've been blogging everyday. But whatever. Its a good form of stress relief. I'm damn tired. Its a constant regime of school, training, homework, then sleep. Not that I manage to complete my homework, anyway. And now we have to shoot a hundred shots everyday til the finals. Omg the coaches are CRAZY. They think we have the stamina of an elephant or something.
Damn it. I'm scared about going to NJC. Hardly anyone is going there, except for Kelly and me. And in the air rifle club, I'm going to be the lousiest shooter there. To top it off, the AISS girls (our top rival) don't look very happy to have us as their cca mates either. [screw yooooo!] =( But fuck it. I'm not going to try and squeeze myself into HCJC and RJC like the rest of Singapore if I'm going to hate being there for 2 years.
this dragon flamed at 10:06 p.m..
wishing my life away
Monday, July 11, 2005
Do you ever feel like you're the only person in the world to singlehandedly screw up your life so badly?
Its only words, and words are not enough to take your heart away.
this dragon flamed at 11:09 p.m..
Nostalgia
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Sometimes I miss the closeness I had with my twin. When we were young, we were always together. Same kindergarden, same class, back when grades didn't define who you were. Even when I moved to a different class and school, I'd follow him around, playing the same games, hang out with the same neighbourhood friends. We'd stick together during boring family reunions, fight over the computer, reconcile by the next day, then run down to the playground to hog the slide. We tried out tennis, ping pong, badminton and karate, all on the void deck of our block (except karate, that was in the dojo). In a way, you could call what we had 'telepathy'- to me, I just understand his motives and he, mine. Even now, I tend to be surprised that people cannot see through my actions, and I find it hard to express my feelings, because I have never needed to.
I miss it, having someone beside you all the time, someone I can comprehend wholly. We've grown apart, his drives and ambitions are now completely different from my own. I suppose all this time I've simply been trying to find replacements. And it hurts all the more when you've had it, then thrown it away, again and again.
I cannot see him now, the boy that he used to be. And because of that, I cannot see myself.
I am lost.
this dragon flamed at 02:47 p.m..
your word is a light onto my path
Saturday, July 9, 2005
"But I think Mr. Slesenger is right. That sadness is like resignation; it's a giving up. And you don't cry when you give up. You don't make a big production. You just walk away quietly, hoping no one will notice until you're already gone."
this dragon flamed at 02:51 p.m..
What you will
Friday, July 8, 2005
I think its sad that everytime I read the newspapers, I don't see an iota of good news. It makes me depressed. But I'll get better soon.
Alright. Wl got into HCJC, congrats! Grats to everyone else who got shortlisted too. DSA rocks! I think I'll take it as a sign from God and just accept things as they are. No use fighting for something you'll never win.
this dragon flamed at 09:36 p.m..
delirium
Thursday, July 7, 2005
Insignificance. It cuts like a blunted, rusty penknife. I wish I could read your mind.
I am up at 4 to do homework. Congratulate me. I woke up without an alarm clock!
this dragon flamed at 05:31 a.m..
Save me from this place
Sunday, July 3, 2005
Updates, updates
Chinese Oral: OMG fucked up! I was 2nd, right after this 1337 Cheena PRC, and I kept stumbling over my words. So much for easy conservation topics. You LIE, pang, LIEZZZZ!
Nationals: Well, I think the method of scoring is screwed up, and I shot the worst of the lot. Ugh. We got into the finals though. 3rd overall, first is RGSS, second AISS, 4th is YTSS. But I am disgusted by Mdm Nora's planning again...it appears we won't get much training before the finals once more.
I think I finally realised today that I should stop running away and moping about. I don't HAVE to act happy, but its time to find a way to be happy again. I can't rewind back into the past, and dammit, sometimes I hate myself and the way I'm left stranded as everyone else progresses and moves ahead. But I don't have to live in the shadow of my mistakes forever. I guess, no matter how much or how good you are at lying, the truth's gonna come out. The thing is, are you strong enough to take it?
this dragon flamed at 03:43 p.m..
why wait a thousand years, when everyone's forgotten me by then?
Saturday, July 2, 2005
Self-hate takes form in many different ways. As Kimiko said, some people use it to drive away those close to them. Others find different ways to torture themselves- anorexia, masochism, denying yourself the things you want most. The point is- it's addictive. Matyrdom, that is. It makes them feel bad, but its all they think they deserve, and in a way, this makes them feel better. The difference between these people and 'normal' people? Nothing. I think, all that's missing is desperation. Everyone's under pressure, and they need to release it in one way or another. People with no way to do so, or a smaller capacity for pressure just stew, until one day, they explode. You may feel like screaming, slashing things, breaking windows, but you don't, right until the moment when you just can't help yourself. Makes sense? Just thinking.
"The thing is, you can't think about the competition. The only person you should be trying to beat, is yourself."
this dragon flamed at 06:14 p.m..
Fast-forward, please.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I should put up a warning sign for my blog. Like, 'Read at your own risk'. Or, I should probably just get myself a diary. It just seems wrong to abandon my blog.
Don't ask me about my blog entries, plzkthx.
Things coming up/to complete:
Undone math papers
English compre
Lit homework
History mindmap
Chinese Oral
Nationals (I am so dead. I'm afraid I'll pull the team down.)
wtf. competition plan.
this dragon flamed at 08:29 p.m..
it's like pms, only worse.
Monday, June 27, 2005
I know that I am too bitter/hurt to say anything objective right now. So I will digress. I reckon angsting is like, a form of territory marking, or driving around a big flashy car, except instead you're trying to show off how fucked up your life is. I want to yell out to the world, HEY, I HAVE PROBLEMS!, but yet I'm unwilling to confide in anyone. Maybe I'm just secretive, or maybe I'm just weird. Either way, its just how I am.
Two more days. There is no time left for me to waste.
I'm sorry. Really.
this dragon flamed at 06:31 p.m..
But thats alright
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Well, okay. I could say a thousand things, but actually i just wanted to apologise for offending you and being too depressed. If it counts, I didn't mean to. But anyway. I guess I'm not really surprised. So, moving on now...
4 more days.
this dragon flamed at 10:56 a.m..