talk to me baby, give me your name
Saturday, September 15, 2007
And this is, really, the crux of it all. That the beauty is in the distance: it is measured by these parameters of space, constructs of the space-time continuum; kilometers and miles dwindling into inches and millimeters, and smaller and smaller yet, but still too far, too far away for me to touch.
And so. There is you and there is me, and there is a universe between, concealed in the space of an atom, crammed into the gulf dividing our minds.
Imagine me then, pressing myself against the hard glass panes, stretching my hands out towards the sea, which I cannot see but only hear, softly softly in my ear, like your voice on the phone fading into the static, telling me, telling me, that.
Love, love, as it turns out, is only this- a susurrus of voices and background noise, crying out to be heard, and me bleeding long streams of dialogue, offering up comfort that does nothing to soothe your shattered dreams. That, and God, whom we sink into with a sigh.
All this makes no sense. I am after all, merely entranced by the words, and the whirlwind of emotions within my soul, that goes on and on with never a pause. Not a product of climate change, this.
this dragon flamed at 12:44 p.m..
truth
Friday, August 31, 2007
We hurt people only because we believe too strongly in their own resilience.
and so, so often we're wrong
this dragon flamed at 08:59 p.m..
(A detraction, in parenthesis) --> this is a lie
Sunday, August 5, 2007
I never understood why midnight, or 3 in the morning should be accorded so much magic, mystery, and menace. They got it all wrong, of course, those makers of my childhood legends, the legacy of which still persists in me. Then again, perhaps they ought to be excused, closeted away as they are in England or America, lands of four seasons, daylight-savings hours and real, gloriously stretched out twilights, of the kind never ever to be seen in hot, humid mundane Singapore.
Here, though, the witching hour strikes at 7. This is the time when desolation sets in, or perhaps craters or meteorites in would be more accurate (grammatically incorrect as they are), with their connotations of catastrophe and great gaping holes- the sense of something thats been irrevocably changed, and gone forever. I understand, too, that its the trainwreck fast rate of time passing that I resent so (not you, never you), the feeling that I've lost myself in a little loop on replay, like a broken recording that keeps sticking on the same note, while the rest of my life careens on without me.
These feelings do not develop slowly, but rear up abruptly in my heart. Short and jerky, like everything else around here, gaining an air of permanence almost immediately, despite all physical evidence to the contrary.
We should know better by now.
I do love you, of course, but the tone behind those words are not as definite as you would like. I cannot spare you the meager trickle of love that is all that I can affect, just like I cannot spare you the dull flashes of anger,the little temper tantrums against you and your solicitous care. Maybe it would've been better if you'd been a little less accommodating, a little more self-centred- make me feel the more virtuous one for once; the sacrificial angel.
Nevertheless, this inner turbulence is perplexing. Most likely they arise from my own sense of self-disappointment (for there is no-one else to be disappointed at, as much as I'd like to claim the contrary, surrounded as I am by such exemplary figures). The others (and yes, count yourself included) attract attention, they draw crowds.
I do not.
this dragon flamed at 07:20 p.m..
Part 1
Saturday, August 4, 2007
The cats litter the pavements late at night, curled into huge, impervious balls; the claws retracted into the legs retracted into the body, like some newfangled piece of portable machinery, all twenty-first century modernism. Their eyes, huge and nocturnal, take in everything: me; the street pressing itself to the lampposts exuding their bulbous pinpricks of wavering light; the naked blocks of brick and steel huddled together in a show of numbers; the stars that are but echoes of old light in the distant and empty sky far, far away.
They are the true dangers of the night, the monsters that lurk in the shadows.
this dragon flamed at 02:42 p.m..
when everything goes wrong
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
This is the oldest cry on earth.
Don't leave me.
this dragon flamed at 04:47 p.m..
something else you'll never see
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
He is not just one, but many shifting colours, dusty blue, then simmering violet, now a flash of orchid white- I see him through my closed eyes.
He smiles.
I savour it, intimately, it lingers on at the back of my eyelids, superimposed on the dancing blackness that resides there, ethereal and for that moment, immortal.
Stay like that, I think to myself. Let me have this one moment, preserved in history, our history, let us stay like this and be still, and forever be still. Bliss is only a flicker of the eyelids away.
But the clock continues ticking, and he moves, and I breathe out, and the moment is lost and our lives go on, dripping away with time, ephemeral and unnoticed.
this dragon flamed at 07:22 p.m..
crossroads
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
What frightens me the most is the fragility of your affections. You are too easy, a God-send, flown down from heaven with a bow around your neck. Suspicion dangles at the back of my head, ever-present but vague, a bitter taste in my mouth I can't scrub away. So I cannot do it, cannot give my heart away as freely as I once did before, it is too scarred by now, criss-crossed with tiny cracks; I picture it shattering like glass if prodded too hard, or perhaps splitting neatly down the middle, at sharply geometric angles.
But you turned my whole world upside down, with your plans and your dreams and the stars in your eyes, you would play Atlas, only with less muscles and Gucci sunglasses, you would earn a million to give it away, money to alleviate the pain of the world. Solid, gargantuan, unyielding, a Samson not yet blinded by his own hubris- can disaster be averted here? The path of my future is that much dimmer beside yours, un-delineated and hazy- do they converge or will we turn aside at unexpected bends, a step further apart at every tick of the clock? Who can tell? you are, as yet, a question mark, expressing surprise, curiousity, uncertainty, an ocean of possibilities
Still, we are connected by a silken thread, faint but taut with tension. We paint our emotions on the silence that stretches between us, abstract art of blue red and black, although most of the time we fill the space with yellow words, light-hearted, frivolous and insubstantial. And when language finally fails (you know it must), where will we be then?
this dragon flamed at 08:38 p.m..
exposition
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Its like verbal constipation, i am magnificently, exasperatingly, miraculously out of words.
This is the beginning of something new, it is the start of forever. (or so we told each other in whispers, dare i believe?)
Of course, its hard to think when you're occupying so much space in my mind, mental retardation via the heart. I would be disgusted with myself, but contentment is hard to dispute.
this dragon flamed at 10:37 p.m..
Humphrey, we're leaving
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
But there's right and there's wrong and it's everything in-between. I'm happy and I'm confused and more than a little afraid, and it's just too bad I can't have one without the others.
Life's a rollercoaster, and we've all forgotten to fasten our seatbelts.
So here goes!
this dragon flamed at 09:25 p.m..
omgwtf happy entry!
Monday, April 23, 2007
I can walk through walls, I eat clouds for breakfast.
I can fly =)
and maybe I've been crazy busy these past few days, but its all good(:
this dragon flamed at 07:07 p.m..
logorrhea
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Last night I had a dream. In my dream, the skin on my neck sloughed off and underneath it I found pink slashes,
hidden gills flat against the curvature. In the mirror my eyes grew rounder, goggling from my elongated face.
My mouth opened and closed, opened and closed but only bubbles came out, almost invisible against the blinding whiteness
from the bare lightbulbs above.
At the same time clustered around me are cousins, aunts and uncles, all branded, labelled discreetly,
with the family name, discernible in their wide smiles and confident demeanour. In the crowd I spot my brothers,
both at their ease, sporting the same smiles, laughing the same laugh and their eyes go right through me, their words
overwhelm and blot out the faint bubbles I issue.
Suddenly I am falling- no not falling, its more of a slow gentle drift head-first
downwards into an infinity of blue, shading to black below- and for the first time in my life I can breathe easy and the
the only sound that I can hear is that of my heart beating, ba-thump, ba-thump, and it goes on and on and on.
The first thing you must learn is how to manage your pain. Picture it in your mind- what colour is it?
I- I can't tell. There are too many colours, its red and black and blue all at once, and its heavy, its dragging me down-
Okay, that's good enough. Now hold that pain in your mind, and change it into something nice, like balloons... are you thinking of balloons?
Yes.
Good. Now what do you do with them?
I let them go.
Very good. Picture them floating away...isn't that a pretty sight? What happens next?
They float into heaven, and God gets them.
Ah. Now what does He do with them?
He passes them to Jesus, who smiles, tells me to be more careful
and ties the strings around my wrist so I won't lose them again.
Silence.
I know all trials are temporary and I know I can make it through. But this one goes on and on with no end in sight and the only good thing about it is that I'm writing much more. And most of all I need God to lean on, so that I can stop being strong, so that I can stop smiling because other people need me to.
this dragon flamed at 12:48 p.m..
some breathing space please
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Much as I hate being exhibitionist, I still want sympathy, I want someone to give me a warm hug and tell me its okay to cry, I want to share the misery without the guilt.
But I know all that this will only bring dead ends, unwanted pity and awkward glances, so I'll keep my mouth shut and your heart light.
All grief is selfish- and I am exactly that. Thank God for loving friends and Your silent presence, with this alone I will survive.
this dragon flamed at 10:37 p.m..
The stranger behind the glass
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Red Bull is the image I hold of you. Not the same drink as televised on advertisements now though, giving wings to loopy men with comically drawn gargantuan noses- you were never one for frivolity, or at least not in the light-hearted irreverent sense meant.
No, but Red Bull colours my memories of you. It sits foremost in my recollections, ostentatious gold, cold and too big for my fingers to go completely around, I used to think the drink was every bit as precious as the colour of the can suggested.
Inside the liquid is sickly sweet and scarlet. I cannot stand the taste of it now, so chokingly false and saturated, though once I savoured it as a forbidden treat, given to us on the sly while my grandmother's back was turned. One can each, for my brother and I, at last glorious individuality, no need to share, jumbled up with jostling races to see who could mince along the foot reflexology path for the longest time without giving up while you sat at the hard checkered tables of the void decks with your friends, who all looked like replicas of each other, with greyed heads and mottled skin, watching us watch you.
Red Bull is deceptive. Once inside your stomach it coagulates to become twice its original weight, like a miniature calf pressing on your lungs, or maybe thats just the grief weighing me down, making me subject to gravity. Maybe one day I'll be able to consider it objectively, divorce it of its association to you, same as how I'd then be able to look at you in terms of me, and contemplate how you'd helped me grow, find insights into life, learn about hope and all the crap you're supposed to say at funerals.
But I can't right now, you're too entangled in the role of 'gong gong', you are that and only that, a silent figure in your warm and still apartment, a heavy and languorous lethargy in the air, solid brown grilles crisscrossing the windows and your presence making it safe.
How can you be gone? The stories I tell of you in my mind leave no space for the mourned.
this dragon flamed at 12:40 p.m..
omg, emo post
Saturday, March 24, 2007
One day we woke up, and there was a turtle pond beside the guest house.
These flashbacks occur all day, everyday. Today is a day for little baby turtles, hatched from eggs scavenged from the beach, situated in a little pond built overnight just for us. I see them still, tiny, inky-black, scudding effortlessly across the little turquoise pool, wedging themselves under rocks to escape from the morning sun’s heat. Half-lidded ancient eyes that were too young for innocence, they seemed, with their ever waving flippers, to understand all the secrets of the world.
But that didn’t keep them from being eaten up by crows the day before we left.
Its hard to explain, this constant fixation on the Maldives. I wake up in the morning and its there, staring at me in my face, a sinking feeling in my gut, a squeezing of my heart. There is a weight on my chest and I cannot breathe properly, I am starved and drowning on land. But its like longing for a childhood lost, a fairytale with no ending, it seems unbelievable that its over, but it is, it is.
The tragedy, and the beauty of the tragedy. I need to stop missing you, I have no cause for it. I need to stop loving you, you were not mine to begin with. But for once I can hear my heart, and its on the other side of the bloody ocean.
My tan has already almost completely faded away. Soon I will have nothing but my photos, memories and the shells you gave me left.
this dragon flamed at 03:16 p.m..
Asalam Maliaku
Monday, March 19, 2007
Paradigm shift.
I am lost between two worlds, drifting aimlessly away. Maldives, breath-taking Maldives, Maldives not mine, of beautiful seas and language and people. Postcard scenery and improbable colours, in full 256-bit glory, skies painted an exuberant rainbow, sand and dust everywhere, in our noses coating our feet, crashing waves tipped with cascading foam, yellow-drenched, heat-saturated, dripping with sunlight- you caught me off-guard, you stole my heart. I am blinded, I am robbed, I am drowning in blazing colour. I am bereft.
Oh my Singapore, I face you with mixed feelings. So clean, cooling grey, gentler on the eyes and soul, no need to constantly make the effort at friendliness, so chaotic yet so silent. So familiar. So foreign. Strange.
What a relief to be back amongst unsmiling faces and preoccupied glances, comfort in city-instilled solitude, air-con and pristine water, but how heart-breaking.
You are transformed into a still image taken out of time, imprinted in startling detail, balanced on a bike with dazzling smile against dusky face and incongruous red cap on backwards, like a postcard with no note written on the back. An indistinct figure at my side, a constant surprise, an impossibility. But I know you will fade into the background soon, like my tan and lingering sandfly bites, back into infinite blues and waving palms, a footnote in my personal history.
As will I, too.
this dragon flamed at 12:09 p.m..
amateur lovers
Saturday, March 3, 2007
I can feel no sympathy
You should have known it was only an illusion, the deception of words and a pretty, stained glass image. But you heeded no warning, hurling yourself headlong after insipid moons reflected on water. And like a child, you're disappointed and sulking after a dousing of cold water. Suit yourself, and your petty, resolute face turned away, upraised shoulder emanating disapproval.
Disapproval of what? This entire affair had almost nothing to do with me, other than a fleeting connection to my name, like a disreputable cousin I hardly know. I am too tired to deal with your grand, hurt feelings, careful portrayal of a spurned and ill-treated suitor- grow up and get over yourself, I want to say, but as usual I am too cowardly. Why should you love me, when I barely even love myself? I am jealous of your casually professed feelings of affection, of your words and handy cliches and unwieldy laugh, tossed around as if they had no meaning and no weight, as if they were not stones that could drag people down past the workings of gravity.
But enough of you and enough of this anger, I am tired of feeling maligned, tired of feeling unworthy, tired of feeling tired, tired of all of you.
this dragon flamed at 11:19 p.m..
sometimes in the fall
Saturday, February 24, 2007
My life is like a little soap opera. Only instead of playing the sweet innocent heroine, I tend to get the best friend/third party role, the one who gets sidelined and ignored after the two main characters finally get together. Which I wouldn't mind, except the ending is almost always one of a dramatic but fitting demise for me ):
It makes me a little sad to see what I'm missing out on, what I'll always miss out on. But its something I'll have to get used to, spectator to defrosting hearts and melting eyes and the aroma of love in the air. It smells like a childhood scent, long forgotten but strangely familiar, a memory of a memory. It smells like a past life, it smells like you.
this dragon flamed at 09:52 p.m..
this one's for my baby
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
And it seems that all I have to say about Chinese New Year is encompassed in a bundle of energy leaping at my feet, all wagging tail and soft brown eyes, telling me that I'm home.
this dragon flamed at 09:32 p.m..
refuge
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Dare I believe?
You promise me the stars in my purse to take, detachable rainbows for flights of fancy. With your arms to lift me I will tear past the tangerine skies, past the sun with its long, seeking fingers raised in astonishment, the jealous moon a bare universe behind. The planets are arranged in concentric circles and you stand at its centre, and held in your eyes is an eternity of beginnings and endings, alphas and omegas.
Ask, and I will give. Seek, and you shall find. So you said, but my throat is raw from pleading and my eyes grow weary.
Woebegone me, woe-begone, begone from me! But still I lack conviction. Worry traces a fine line, creeping under my skin and into my eyes- my eyes, my bloodshot eyes are testimony of my sin of un-faith, the disability to trust in God for help. And I know that before me lies a Door (oh, the self-validation of capitals!) of limitless potential, but fear of failure has shackled me to the floor and I seem to have lost the key.
A change of mind- Who am I to doubt you? I refuse, I refuse to bend to the burdens of this earth, my knees will not tremble under the yoke I harness. Listen, I shout! My joy to all who hear, the Lord is my shepherd and I shall not want.
this dragon flamed at 08:33 p.m..
o homework mine
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Your own sense of self-importance awes me, i bow under your weight. My shoulders stoop and my eyelids flounder, i drown under the burden in my arms. Thats what you do to me, you make me subject to gravity.
Feel for my pulse-
nothing moves! My blood has dried to dust within my veins, I am moved only by the ticking of the clock and the trill of the bell. My mind is immobile, my skin has turned to stone, my words dragged out of me with ex-cru-cia-ting speed. I am constantly starved for sleep, my desire carved into shadows lurking under my bloodshot eyes.
Bland conversation, bland smiles, the flavour is seeping out of me, I must have diabetes. I piss glucose, all sweetness and niceness are leaving me- watch me dry up, turn brown, wizened and old. What do you call this? There are no words to describe my horror, yet I am ashamed of my own mediocrity. What am I, other than a girl of not enoughs? Not enough talent, not enough intelligence, not enough strength, not enough character. I should be insubstantial, barely there, there is not enough of me to make a full person.
Save me from myself? Fire fall down, fire fall down on me. I don't know what I want, but I need your love to lift me up, 'till my fingers graze the midnight sky, 'till all I see is beautiful, 'till all I see is you. I am blind, to myself and everyone else around, no light to shine without you. Fit into my heart, the missing puzzle piece. Make everything alright, you can make everything alright again.
this dragon flamed at 07:39 p.m..
walk across the atlantic
Monday, January 1, 2007
Watch the sky, watch the sky pressing in and down on us, like the silence and its incessant whine in my ear, so wide and curved, watch how it stretches out and out and out and never stops moving, don't be deceived, the sky is leaving us.
Watch carefully, wait for the cracks to appear, each one larger than the one before it, a canon of dancers faster than lightning. Watch for God, hidden behind the cracks, watch for light so bright it hurts your eyes and a voice so vast the whales cringe in the oceans' deep.
I watch and wait and wait and watch, the sky glows red and fades orange then turns to dark, abiding blue and still there is nothing to break the stillness- where are you? No silver trumpets no angels descending, nothing but the prick of emotions overflowing to tell me you are here. Where? I beg. Show yourself! But the night holds no answers and I am as lost as ever.
Close my eyes and turn away, you are there by my side. No need to search so far, you were always there, a feather touch, more than words, take away who I am, softly, softly, lift me up. Higher.
this dragon flamed at 09:46 p.m..
are who you really
Friday, December 29, 2006
I feel unreal
This has been an overindulgence in excess, too much joy trying to be squeezed into too little days, too many things to be done. My tiredness has stripped me of all weight, I am light and insubstantial, gossamer in the wind, a kite with its tether broken. But everything else is too bright and too heavy, it slides off me, leaving nothing but a slight, broken impression behind.
I long for something beautiful to take my breath away, to rob me of this deadness that I have mistakenly cultivated in my soul for so long. But that, you see, is my downfall, to be addicted to beauty, to need its seductive touch. I grow too easily tired of the mundane, I fail to see the simple joy it evokes, I am a fool dying of thirst in an oasis.
Do you know me? I recognise you though, I can read you like a book, even if I cannot understand. You scare me, with your bright smile and proffered heart, cliched expressions that you mean every word of, hopes hoisted on bended knee.You believe in love, in the same way children believe in tooth fairies, a fairytale in reality, something to look forward to with expectant eyes. I want to laugh but I can't, your innocence is too heart-breaking, and I am filled with tender envy, green pulsing with subdued pink, opening up and closing in, I want to but I can't, I must tread carefully, for here be dragons.
Its no use, the words have deserted me and there is scant comfort I can find anywhere.
this dragon flamed at 08:57 p.m..
the fishes will be estatic
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Maybe it'll never stop raining, the relentless drumming growing no less persistent, lightening, then growing heavier, but never letting up completely. Maybe Singapore will flood, slowly, inch by inch, filling our pavements and shoes with water, like so much containers.
Then we'd all take off our shoes and roll up our pant legs, soak our feet in a never-ending foot bath. We'd release the fishes to live above ground, and laugh at the sun cowering behind the infinite grey clouds. My heaven, my heaven without you. (But what is heaven without you?)
The fickle raindrops, sometimes weightless sometimes solemn and puffed up with their own importance, sometimes striking our faces and plastering our hair and sometimes passing us by- they seem to hold so much promise.
We will wash you clean, they seem to say, give us long enough and we can wipe away anything.
And there is so much more, of course, the raw desperation and beauty of the storm, the exhilaration of the reverberating ripples and me curling up under a warm comforter, braving the rain in a courageous hoodie, being happy on my own.
(the rain advocates joy of the lonesome, individualised pleasures and just what I need to get away from thoughts of you, though who this you is, I have yet to find out.)
this dragon flamed at 10:33 p.m..
my happy ending
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Lets end this together, you and I both, press the red stop button and watch the sky fall down in chunks of speckled blue. We are young and we are arrogant and we can make the world bow before our feet, we'll outrun Time and leave regret and sorrow behind and all they'll ever find is our footprints fading into the sea.
We'd watch the stars crash into the horizon and find pots of gold at the ends of rainbows. We'd run side by side in fields of nodding flowers and catch the clouds tumbling down from heaven.
And one day I'd see your eyes grow old, and dull as they avoid my gaze, endure your canned laughter and fake plastic smiles. You'd tell me that there are other fish in the sea, bigger, better and brighter, you'd explain, earnestly, that we'd always remain good friends, we'd have that at least, won't we?
I'm not a fish, I can't breathe underwater, I try to say, but I can't get the words out and you have already turned away.
this dragon flamed at 08:36 p.m..
throw your fond in the pond
Sunday, December 10, 2006
If I could, I would sing you my regret.
If I could, I would dance out my sorrow and compassion.
But I can't sing, and I can't dance and the only heart-rending melodies I can make are composed of notes formed from letters and the rhythm of tapping keys.
And this tapestry of words I attempt to weave is old and worn from too much use, a repetition of the same lines born of the same events over and over again- who says man's lives only wend in a straight line?
Understand this then, that your pain is as much part of me as it is you, I live it, inhale it, feel it seeping in through the pores of my skin. But it is not entirely the same, for it is born of the rejection of illusions, a... desire? no, an imperative to see life in its unflinching barrenness.
I have no choice!, I cry- my heart is blinded and I am crippled as fully as an udderless cow or a wingless falcon. But who, who will cleanse me of the sin I create, out of love, yes, love?
Compassion in Latin is born of the prefix that has a meaning close to "with" and a root that translates roughly to "suffering". In other words, compassion means to understand another's suffering, troubles and dilemmas, it is empathy from afar. But because of this, it will always have the stigma of pity and distance, the taint of condescension. Love born of compassion will never sustain, its is a love seperated, held together by a wall that both binds and divides. And as is only characteristic of something born from such polar opposites, compassionate love will breed hatred of its own, a slow burning anger against the one you'd given up your freedom for.
You can never grow to love a person.
this dragon flamed at 11:01 p.m..
so much teenage angst!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Everything is affecting me too much today- the two chairs squatting idly empty, the way my voice gets lost in the encroaching wind and susurrus of chatter in your mind, the voices on the tv screaming to be allowed to a life, to live.
All this, people, sounds, light, is too much to handle, and my thoughts are drowned out in the pounding of my brain (my heart, alas, has stopped all functions, I seem to have dislocated it some time ago.)
I thought that I would break
but now I can see
something strong and beautiful inside of me
I must be invincible(:
this dragon flamed at 09:36 p.m..
static
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I am tired of writing.
These words hold a truth so terrible that I am afraid to look them fully in the face, and so painful they seem to twist in on themselves and blur until I can no longer see them. I seem to have lost my love for everything, or the willpower to keep my passion alive. I am retreating in on myself, trapped by the origami castle of my own making, yet I long to break free!
I may paint everything to sound sublime and glorious but the reality is written in black and white and shades of fading grey. I am afraid of losing everything that made me special.
And I am sorry for everything I should've done better and everyone I've treated badly. For being less than I should be and not wanting to give a part of myself when I know thats all that's needed. And I hate regrets, but thats all I seem to be doing, stuck trying to move forward with my head turned back and my only reprieve is in my sleep, where I dream in blue and silence.
this dragon flamed at 09:35 p.m..
a softer world
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I was going to figure out the postage,
and send you my heart
for Christmas.
But my friends talked me out of it.
They said, "why would you send her something broken?"
Some things, no amount of scotchtape can fix.
this dragon flamed at 01:23 p.m..
this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Sunday, November 26, 2006
I WANT TO MARRY WILLY WONKA
It must be something about johnny depp, cause every character he plays is somehow unbelievably sexy(: Or maybe its just all that chocolate. Or the bob hairstyle. Or the tophat. Or the pasty white complexion =)
These are days of content skies and mild showers, gentle gentle gentle on the spirit, marred only by fleeting anxieties, volcano bursts of passion and hidden pockets of excitement. But I am guilty, of the sin of apathy, for putting happiness before love, and my feet are leaden with regrets. How can I, with fingers that have never touched a cloud, hope to reach into the highest heavens to seek your face?
But I am comforted by your whisper of a prescence, you are more with me than the others who crowd in, solid and warm. And that is all I need.
this dragon flamed at 10:28 p.m..
Looks like the magic's only yours tonight
Sunday, November 19, 2006
What is this emotion huddled up at the back of my throat, choking me until I am sick and ready to vomit?
It tastes green and feeble, just like the lies I so readily spit out to build myself up to be greater than my true insipid self can live up to. A brick wall of passion and self-righteousness that is more of who I want to be than who I really am!
And only God can save me from my desolation, but still I shy away, shy away.
How can you persist in seeing something beautiful when all that lies before me is the dirty wreakage of the future that is to be?
Our gazes slide away from each other, eyes closed like shutters at dusk, shutting me out, or perhaps it is me who is shutting you out? But those words I loved are losing their glamour, turning warm, wooly and bitter on my tongue - they are too large and too heavy, they suffocate, I can barely breathe!
Our conversations are so inane, they hardly make sense, and I am concentrating too hard on the humming of the traffic behind us hinting, hinting, but at what?
But it doesn't matter, because you are still singing the same old syncopated song, and I will smile at pre-arranged intervals.
I am required to do so.
I long for something sincere and beautiful.
this dragon flamed at 09:09 p.m..
reminder to self: always use protection
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I'm not as big-hearted as i want to be, unfortunately. At least I've managed to stop myself from swearing. But enough of that! I refuse to waste my time on you.
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
omg
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
xr has aids!
xinrui is says:
omg
xinrui is says:
elbert
xinrui is says:
you gave our secret away
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
omggg
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
elbey has aids too?
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
that can only mean
Elb3y - keep your head up says:
whoops
Elb3y - keep your head up says:
rumbled
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
illicit love affairs!
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
HAHAHA im going to paste this convo
(=waterdragon=)
[this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.] says:
up on my blog
and so I did (:
this dragon flamed at 05:57 p.m..
Finale
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Its only occasionally though, when the murky yellow of my tea, or the flower staring up at me from the bottom of my mug reminds me of something I'd lost a long time ago, that I'd only just realised now. And this thing inside me is nothing more than lethargy, a sort of slowing down and dulling of the insides.
But everyone else is moving too fast, and I am the dead epicentre of this storm.
It is heavy, a weight pulling down on the corners of my lips and the lids of my eyes, but silent and easy to bear. I am, after all, well used to it. So I'll bury it for now, under layers and layers of meaningless conversations and idle laughter.
And as with all things, it will fade, folding in onto itself, working its origami magic until only a tiny numb spot is left.
We can only move forward.
this dragon flamed at 08:42 p.m..
Passion
Friday, November 10, 2006
Omg I have found the perfect birthday present! And all I need are people to accompany me =))
Performing in Sydney, Melbourne and Singapore (for the very first time!), ‘Passion’ is a concert series which combines talented musicians with powerful and evocative music from some of Japan’s most loved anime and video games.
Performed by a small ensemble, consisting of violins, percussion, guitar and piano, ‘Passion’ will feature the unique and innovative arrangements of memorable themes from games such as Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, Tsubasa Chronicle, Vagrant Story, Final Fantasy XII, Xenosaga, Haibane Renmei, Shadow of the Colossus, Super Mario Bros., .hack//Liminality and many more.
On top of the great selection of anime and games, we will also be performing selected classics from Walt Disney features.
With special guests Yasunori Mitsuda (Chrono series, Xenogears) and Hitoshi Sakimoto (Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy Tactics), ‘Passion’ will be without a doubt Eminence’s most exciting concert to date. Please join us for this world premiere, as you will not be disappointed. Visit the new Passion 'miniwebsite' for more details. Also, see our Passion FAQ for ticketing status and other relevant information
Like, omg, how cool is that?? And its going to be on my birthday, one night only! Saturday, 23rd Dec, 8 pm, please say you'll go with me =)
this dragon flamed at 09:38 a.m..
catharsis
Thursday, November 9, 2006
I was going to write something about the colour blue, but then I got caught up in missing you. And its always like this when the nights grow long and the murmuring of the television in the distance reminding me of a quiet loneliness that cannot be dispelled by the light of the electronic screen before me. A loneliness that is deeper than any colour, that is both excerbated and relieved by solitude. And it is contradictory, but totally human, that I could miss you so badly and never want to speak to you again. But I will never be able to explain to anyone what you mean to me, and how I can't let go, and how I see your face in every guy I talk to and it's telling me it won't be enough, not enough.
And I'm tired, tired of hurting every guy who reminds me of you and hurting every guy who doesn't and hating myself for being weak, because every post about you is another failure.
And its just too bad that you want someone who's there only when you need them, and I want someone who's there even when I need them.
this dragon flamed at 08:33 p.m..
tales from njc
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
And now its time to get back on with my life =)
Unfortunately, that seems to only consist of training and sleeping. We, who call ourselves youths, are losing our vitality to the endless rush of activites. Give me just a few days to sit around and talk to the people I love most. But it seems there is not enough time in the world to do even that.
Your love matters to no one but yourself, its what you do to the people you say you love that truly matters
So many shows to watch, so little time and money!
this dragon flamed at 07:55 a.m..
tired
Tuesday, November 7, 2006
You are here with me, larger than you really are, greater than when you're actually present.
Your face is blurred and indistinct, I have tried to remember you too vividly too many times before, touched up the portrait of you that my memory holds safe too often. But it is okay, I am used to it, and time has dulled the edge of your features. I can see only specific details, like the bloodshot pleading of your eyes, relive moments etched in fire-red lines in my skull.
But you block out the sun and take up the sky, you narrow the world down and the moment is over, I have lost.
You left a world-sized hole.
Thank you for your honesty.
this dragon flamed at 10:34 a.m..
plastic smiles all around
Wednesday, November 1, 2006
And this all has the tiredness of inevitability. But I am not strong enough, not tough enough, not brave enough and not that good, not that good a person yet. Not strong enough to leave. Not tough enough to not get hurt. Not brave enough to keep going. Not good enough to let you go. You see, I too, am selfish. I desperately wanted something in the world that I could call mine forever. But the thing about forever is that it no longer means what it once did.
Blink, and you'll miss it.
this dragon flamed at 04:48 p.m..
All the injustice in the world
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
That love is not enough to make miracles happen. That you only get one chance to get everything right.
And we blew it.
this dragon flamed at 09:50 p.m..
heart cirrhosis
Friday, October 27, 2006
Its not easy to have something so close to perfect. Because to say goodbye would leave a gap that can never be filled.
I know that now.
I think that you can use up your love. I think that you can blow it all on one person. You can love so much, so deeply, that there is nothing left for anyone else.
--One for my baby, Tony Parsons
Are second chances really possible?
this dragon flamed at 10:26 p.m..
save me from myself
Friday, October 27, 2006
The last day of school was a bit of a nightmare.
A bit of everything, anger, disappointment, helplessness, boredom and little bits of happiness rolled up in there. A day of emotions and barely substantial, rudely grounded in its mundaneness.
I have far too much earthly weight to fly.
this dragon flamed at 12:27 a.m..
The sky is blue blue blue
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Its like a fairytale.
I'm afraid I'll break it.
this dragon flamed at 08:15 p.m..
human
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I miss those days like a toothache, an almost painful nostalgia, a burning at the back of my throat. They are canary yellow to me, bright with snapshot clarity, cut-out scenes that I choose to preserve over the harder, unhappier reality. Those were the days when I was perfect in my parents' eyes, and they in mine, my heroes, gods come to life. But I grew older, and let them down, grew older and saw the cracks in their smiles.
They will never look at me with the same light in their eyes again.
I wish I could be a stronger, more confident, more loving person. But the gap between who I am and who I want to be is more than just the difference of phrasing, an insurmountable quagmire of blue misery, that I cannot seem to extricate myself from.
this dragon flamed at 05:02 p.m..
rabbits on the moon
Sunday, October 8, 2006
In my dreams I found a place, that was grey and soft and smelt of the ocean. There, all wishes come true. So i sat down. And I wished for a slice of hawaiian pizza.
Because you see, in my dreams, the only other thing I could want is a pizza.
this dragon flamed at 09:00 p.m..
get thee behind me promos!
Sunday, October 1, 2006
A short note about promos:
Woohoo! I've never been so confident about failing an exam before =) Or so happy about it either. Oh well, whatever goes I guess.
On to more interesting stuff- Studio ghibli is coming up with a new film: Tales from Earthsea! YESS I can't wait until it comes out and I can go all fangirl over it x)
Sorrow is my muse, and without her, I can't seem to write anymore. This is the final failure of language, the death of barren words. This is goodbye to indulgence, foolishness and writing for the love of writing- what shall I wax eloquent about, when there is nothing tearing me up from the belly out, when I am swollen from the knowledge of tattered browning notes but dry of inspiration? My words fall like coloured pebbles into the dust, bright and dull, common and plastic, tasteless and gritty on my tongue.
And yet and yet and yet- this is all that I have longed for! Will I never be satisfied?
this dragon flamed at 05:10 p.m..
and for the first time, I'm all out of words
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
"She would hold his hand and tell him that God is proud of him...and that would make the world feel right-side up again."
You see, You're my hope.
....I want to be with you.
this dragon flamed at 09:36 a.m..
2 6 11 14 19
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Wow a huge number of ppl tagged. Haha the answers are finally out! I think the quiz was quite easy though.
drareg: 9 11 19 7 18...2/5
weizheng: 2 3 9 14 19...3/5
nic: 19, 14, 10, 6, 2...4/5 (did you cheat? I suspect collaboration with chienwei)
asdf: 6 7 8 11 19...3/5 (jz, issit?)
Choonhang: 11 18 19 9 2...3/5
elbey: 3,7,10,11,19...2/5 (aw elbey, lousy score!)
nat and carmen: 7, 9, 14, 19, 20...2/5
xr: 3, 7, 10, 12, 19...1/5 (looks like we're tied on each other's quizzes)
ets: 6, 7, 9, 19, 20...2/5
random.: 2, 6, 9, 14, 19...4/5
sm: 9, 11, 12, 13, 19...2/5 (daughter! how can you not know your own mom?)
Haha looks like only random and niclam knows me well! Answers are below (:
this dragon flamed at 06:53 p.m..
oh woe is me, for promos draweth near!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Tagged by Elbey
One. Think of 15 short bits of interesting stuff about yourself. And they’ve gotta be true.
Two. Come up with 5 false statements regarding yourself, but for fun's sake keep them in the threshold of believability.
Three. Jumble them all up together and list them in any order.
Four. Post them on LJ and let people guess which the five false ones are!
Five. Get 5 others to do the same.
[ANSWERS: the lies are underlined, the truths are in bold]
1. My twin brother and I never stopped fighting from the time we were babies up until secondary school.
2. I've always had this secret desire to go on a diet, just to see what the fuss was all about.
Nope! I love eating far too much, though I worry occasionally about my weight.
3. I used to want to move to an ang moh school so I could finally show off my chinese skills to someone.
Absolutely true. Haha! I figured that they would be the only ones impressed by my "proficiency" in Chinese.
4. When my dog was a puppy, I used to call her name from across the table just so I could see her walk right into it.
I'm a sadistic person, I admit it =)
5. When I was in primary 1, I got lost in my own school and started crying. They had to drag me up on stage and call for my brother to pick me up.
Sadly, everyone believed this. =(
6. I love chocolate with mint and chocolate with fruits and nuts.
No way! Chocolate with mint and fruits desecrates the pureness of chocolate.
7. I pretend to like guys just so I can joke around about them being the love of my life.
Haha I only started this year though. Everyone just keeps coming up with new rumours and I just play along (: Oh, my beloved demand curve!
8. I love coffee, but I'm afraid of drinking it in case I can't sleep the whole night.
It is the saddest tragedy of my life.
9. The last time I remember aceing anything was getting an A for an English essay in kindergarten
WHY DO SO MANY PPL NOT BELIEVE THIS? haha its true! Its the only time I distinctly remember getting such a high grade.
10. I am afraid of stairs, wet floors and parallel bars.
I keep slipping/falling/hurting myself around them. CURSE YOU YAOEN, 'tis your legacy!
11. I used to be convinced that vampires lived under my bed. I'd carry a pencil with me into bed so I could stab them if they ever tried to attack me.
For all the people who believed this- SUCKERS! hahaha I was a horribly pragmatic little kid (: I didn't believe in fairies or santa claus either, come to that. In fact, I grew LESS skeptical as I got older.
12. When I was young, I thought Simone from the Bookworm Gang was the coolest girl ever. I imitated her so much that my mom was worried I'd grow up to be a lesbian. She's still praying hard.
oh YES. I think thats why she keeps asking me if I've got a boyfriend yet.
13. I'd always wanted to become a vet. When I decided to go into the arts stream, my parents were devastated- they'd already planned what roles they could play in my vet's clinic when they were old and bored retirees.
Whats so unbelievable about this? Its true! My parents are funny people.
14. I loved Barney the dinosaur as a kid.
As most of you know, complete and utter bullshit.
15. I've made a lot of friends from online games. I became so friendly with a GM that he refuses to let me quit the game- he's still trying to convince me to return.
16. I wish I was a better person.
17. I've already sprained both of my knees and ankles and twisted my back.
=( Oh the pain!
18. I used to have a crush on Edmund Chen in primary school, even though he was old enough to be my dad.
I still think he's cute, btw.
19. I love dota.
Give-away question. Too bad, elbey.
20. Despite being unprepared for the promos, failing all my recent tests and being totally stressed out, I actually feel very happy.
True. I personally have no idea why, but i do (:
There! Seeing as I have no idea who visits my blog, anyone who wants to do this can just do it =)
this dragon flamed at 05:52 p.m..
there were birds in the sky
Saturday, September 16, 2006
When I was a baby, I never smiled. I remember being too bewildered and offended by the world to be amused. I was secretly sure that someone, somewhere, was laughing at everything I did.
Boy, was I a smart baby or what?
I have barely started on promos revision and promos start in 6 days! Woohoo go me!
this dragon flamed at 09:32 p.m..
xiaokang
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
who were you?
What do the stains on the walls speak to you, the grills and gates that bar the way, dilapitation and abandonment, the fall of light and patterns overlapping patterns in the eye of your camera? There is an almost spooky intensity in the perfection of your art.The screaming of dogs and leaves, too much noise in the deepest of silences, words under the dreams- I feel as though I had known you a thousand years ago, and yet not at all.
The light and clarity hint at a story untold. You scare me and intrigue me. Now here, is a man worth remembering.
...yet darkness extinguished light in the end.
this dragon flamed at 07:40 p.m..
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
I'm not sure why, but you bring out the worst in me.
I'm pretty tired of the guilt.
this dragon flamed at 11:10 p.m..
this is my neverneverland
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
I used to think life was waiting around the corner, to pounce on me with something new and exciting. I used to believe that life was full of potential. I wanted to be different, to make a difference. What happened to that?
With age came lethargy and cynicism. I am too tired now to care, the future stretches out before me, blank and featureless. I'm missing the past before it's barely out of the present's grasp- regret coats my movements. I want to claw my way back and wrap myself in a pocket outside of time, locked in memories that are frozen emotions, hiding under my blanket from monsters under the bed. But nostalgia is persistent and an addictive distraction. There is no use crying over spilt milk, my mouth may say, but in my mind I have already cried a thousand floods.
Let me go back! But Time is a cruel master and God is firm and unabiding to the cries of the self-indulgent. And so it is.
So it stands.
this dragon flamed at 08:26 p.m..
woohoo blogthings!
Monday, September 4, 2006
|
Your Element Is Water
|
A bit of a contradiction, you can seem both lighthearted and serious.
That's because you're good at going with the flow - but you also are deep.
Highly intuitive, you tune in to people's emotions and moods easily.
You are able to tap into deep emotional connections and connect with others.
You prefer a smooth, harmonious life - but you can navigate your way around waves.
You have a knack for getting people to get along and making life a little more peaceful.
|
|
What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You
|
You are a very considerate person, but that doesn't mean you let people walk all over you.
You spend a lot on clothes, and you tend to be a very dresser. However, it's hard for you to throw away trendy clothes when they go out of style.
You are a little shy and easily embarrassed. You often wonder if you are normal.
In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return.
|
|
You Are 71% Impulsive
|
You are impulsive, which at times leads to irresponsibility.
It's hard for you to say no to all but the most insane propositions.
But you could care less. While your impulsive ways have gotten you in a little trouble - they've made for a very exciting life!
|
|
Your Love Style is Ludus
|
You like to think of love as the ultimate game
And you love to play... even if it means lying a little
You're a bit afraid to be close, and you don't get too attached
A serial dater, you tend to date a few people at once
And it's all good, until one of your sweeties finds out!
|
Finally... (I love this one)
|
Your Boobies' Names Are...
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Twin Peaks
|
Yeah...I'm procrastinating. Anything's more fun than math anyway. New blogskin!
this dragon flamed at 07:00 p.m..
It all makes sense now!
Saturday, September 2, 2006
I am SUCH a fool. This is the last time I ever rely on gut instinct.
I am officially retiring my sex drive. I will become a bitter, old maid at age 17, shunning all men and sealing myself off from the world together with my fifteen cats. Or dogs, considering I don't like cats all that much. I will be known as the "weird dog lady" and I'll hurl insults at couples making out at 2 am in the morning.
Now all I need is a frumpy nightgown and rollers in my hair.
this dragon flamed at 09:10 p.m..
Be my salvation
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
IMMORTALISE ME!
For I shall be gone before you know it, like a speck of dust in the wind.
this dragon flamed at 08:39 p.m..
You're everything, everything
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Where did the girl that loved go? She who loved the wind and the rain, the night for its quiet and the day for its warmth, who loved coffee and chocolates and hot showers and reading on the bed and talking effortlessly into the night about nothing at all.
But love is leaving me- I am only moved by my lack of emotion. Colourless death, implacable death lies over all I touch, its like suicide by hibernation, suffocating myself under layers of my own delusional sorrows. It is an insidious disease, laziness of the eyes, ears, mouth and soul, too tired to reach out, too tired to care.
I loved you for making me feel alive, you gave me grief and joy and a reason to cry. But the life I lived wasn't mine to begin with, and I would end up devouring you for my own happiness. I would embroider what we had, make it immortal and unearthly. But the truth is, it was your distance that attracted me, I trapped you on a false pedestal and worshipped at your feet. You were my Olivia. What then, can be my redemption? The answer is to surrender, but there is nothing to give up- my pride has already been broken.
You see, I too, am afraid.
this dragon flamed at 02:49 p.m..
Tragedies make the best stories
Friday, August 25, 2006
There's almost nothing left now. All that I was is fading away- I will remake myself over and over again, into something harder than steel. (your face in the crowd, the only one I see) The world is yellowing, turning bitter with age. Friends are replaced and love is fickle, trying too hard for too little in return, scorn and mockery your only rewards. (walk with me, fly by my side, you say)
Too much, too much, too much to take, the city lies beneath my feet but it is dead, inadequate, inadequacy permeating the air I breathe, under my skin into my lungs not enough not enough not enough to give! (but you are gone now, and already forgotten.)
"I was my last night." -- the Belljar, Sylvia Plath
this dragon flamed at 09:54 p.m..
Elbey
Sunday, August 20, 2006
1. MY SIN X OWNS YOUR MAGE!
2. Don't play computer games (esp dota!) for at least 2 weeks. If you die from it, I'll buy you a flower of apology (:
3. Dark brown
4. The way you always use gamer language, and act like you're a character in a game.
5. We were sitting in the 3M classroom with Ryan, and I was shocking you with the fact that I live in Woodlands and could thus crash your house to play Xbox.
6. Eh. Something tall and brown, with hunched shoulders and a scrunched up face. Hahaha no idea! Blueberry pie, if you count food instead.
7. So who's the chick??
this dragon flamed at 06:56 p.m..
=)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
1. I'll respond with something random about you
2. I'll challenge you to try something
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you
4. I'll tell you something I like about you
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog
this dragon flamed at 06:43 p.m..
you'll never be enough for me, eternally
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I would have given anything to be able to write like you.
I am your greatest fan, but you will never know it.
this dragon flamed at 09:45 p.m..
and so, it begins!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I will probably never talk to him again
.....but damn, he's HOT!
this dragon flamed at 08:43 p.m..
we were meant to live for so much more
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I never want to accept mediocrity, or live life as less than I could be. I never want to go through life being a failure from lack of trying or settle for second best. If I am to fall, let it be from a great height, flight without wings. If I am to die, let people speak of me for years afterwards, in sorrow and reminiscence- I will live on in their memories. But what they remember of me, will never be the whole of what I was. This transcient, imperfect immortality will fade and these last fragments of me will die, too.
But I am dead to you before my time. The world lies between us, and you are fading away. The skies have changed, gentle clouds to uncaring clarity, too stern and too strident a blue, just as a miliion other things have changed with it- have you? We could live like this forever, caught in unrequited angst, passive in our sorrow- people may come and go, but you are constant as an absence.
Let me know that You're near me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You're near me
Let that be enough.
this dragon flamed at 06:12 p.m..
but we are only human
Sunday, August 6, 2006
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars with myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I am alone, I have left everyone else behind me, chasing after a dream long faded away. Forever stretches out before me, and you are nowhere to be seen. So this is what it means to say goodbye.
this dragon flamed at 02:54 p.m..
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I've made
Saturday, August 5, 2006
I can't stand myself sometimes.
this dragon flamed at 04:38 p.m..
broken hearts and torn up letters
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
what can I say? What is there to say? You hurt, and I hurt, but we do not see each other, we are too immersed in ourselves and our youthful arrogance. We are young and we are foolhardy, the world bows before our feet, but in truth it is not so.
What do you have to fear? You are green in my eyes, tinged with melancholic blue. Who are you, to have that strength of faith and that unquestioning childish belief? How can you yet be unscarred, when the world is so cold and unforgiving? That you get hurt means that you still believe in that something great and beautiful. Always sunrises, never sunsets. But you cannot see me, or understand my silent words, a discourse without language, an essay in no words. 'tis compassion, not cruelty. I never meant to make you sad.
But if I am to be villainified (and how can i not? your face has pity stamped on it, you attract condolences, a fallen angel from grace)- then let it be said it was out of kindness. There will be no more of this for me i think, no more red roses on the go, take away romances and paper hearts for show. But there's light at the end of the tunnel for you, your story has not ended just yet.
In time, this will just be a particularly long comma.
this dragon flamed at 08:03 p.m..
the best times of my life happen in my mind
Thursday, July 27, 2006
My mind is composed of fragments of speeches I will never say- I exhaust my eloquence in silence, the invention of telepathy would destroy me. I am the whirlpool under the calm, the quiet under the laughter, I am nothing that I appear to be but you are everything that I am, and that I am not.
You are my muse, your absence is my inspiration.
this dragon flamed at 08:05 p.m..
I can't help myself
Monday, July 24, 2006
My life's passed me by when I wasn't looking- that'd make good lyrics for an emo song I think.
Everyday he plucked a flower from the stream to practise, the words he would say while presenting the flower to her, words to sweep her off her feet, words that are not enough, not nearly enough. Everyday, when he leaves, the same flower would be lying on the bed of the stream, its cry of agony unheard, the death of hope unnoticed, silent.--translated from Ni men, ta men, wo men.
this dragon flamed at 10:25 p.m..
as the ah bengs say..."we're like brothers man, we're like THIS!"
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Common test results, gp va, chinese va, project work, oral presentation, shooting club prize presentation speech, shooting club t-shirt designs, Singapore Open shoot...
I am EXHAUSTED. =((
this dragon flamed at 10:46 p.m..
incoherence
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Hopelessness isn't the lack of hope, it's the absence of hope where there was a spark, a gaping hole in Pandora's box, the butterflies we used to catch on green fields, eons ago when the sky was blue and unclouded. Salt water on wounds worked raw, cold hard reality, these things, these words not meant for me-
no, no and no.
The new is harsh and unforgiving, the old is lost and abandoned, unfound but not for the lack of trying. We're moving forward with our heads turned back, changing, changing, changing. Ah, but here is the million dollar question: -but no, its gone now, gone with the wind and I will take my thoughts and worries, the words I've never been able to say, down with me to the grave.
this dragon flamed at 11:22 p.m..
a holiday from real
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
They are whirling around, in a dance of their own, this world full of wildly twirling figures and intricate steps. In, out, back and forth, no time for words, not that they mean anything but to paint a picture of something that is not. Light fades and partners change, but there is no time to stop and no time to speak, until they are groping blindly with nothing but faith and their own misplaced ideals to guide them.
But it is all the more terrible to be stuck at the side, the kaleidescopic figures hurting your eyes, dazzling lights and plastic colours, the cat that caught your tongue and your throat swollen and choked ("it's just an allergy or something, that must be it"), and an ache where there shouldn't be one, an ache where there was nothing for a long, long time.
this dragon flamed at 08:27 p.m..
panadol makes me highhh
Monday, July 3, 2006
COMMON TESTS ARE OVER! Well not really, there's still listening tmr.
I can't wait to see how badly I failed. Predicted results:
Math- F History- O Econs- F Lit- F
Overall grades: F OFF (:
this dragon flamed at 08:43 a.m..
The amazing thing about you is that it's such an universal word
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Before you read this entry: Go Away. Yeahh I don't really like people to read my entries actually (: So unless you've come here to tag on my board or something, go find more interesting blogs to read (either that or go mug, you slacker you)
We only love the people we think we deserve? Too damn bloody right.
This entry's one year late (well almost), and nothing much has changed since then- I'm just a little more disillusioned, a little sadder and a little more tired. I think I understand now though, that you never meant to hurt me as much as you did, just as I never meant to make you sad either. And it was too much, and too little at the same time. Forgiving was hard to do, but forgetting nigh impossible- and sometimes I doubt that I even want to. Because as she said, all the memories had come back, and not all were bad. My life was hell, but it's been hell since the day i saw the back of your shirt in church, and thought then that I would like to get to know that person better. And strange as it is- I loved you for it. Guess I'm a glutton for self-punishment. Guess we all are.
this dragon flamed at 08:04 p.m..
I brood too much when I'm alone
Thursday, June 22, 2006
I seem to be saying goodbye all too often these days- I want to say hello to someone who would never leave.
Now that I think about it, if I had a chance to turn back time- I'd probably relive my life exactly as it was. Maybe it was for the best, anyway. I hope you're happy now, person inside my head. I hope you're getting on better without me and i hope you'll move out of my mind soon cos you're taking up an awful lot of thinking space up there.
this dragon flamed at 09:38 p.m..
was that good bye you said? I'm not sure, you speak without words
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
You know that feeling like you're missing something but you're not quite sure what it is yet? It feels like I'm missing my heart, liver and entire digestive system. Feels like I'm empty inside.
Maybe I'm just full of air.
this dragon flamed at 02:30 p.m..
wasting the best years of my life (reach for the sky, she said)
Saturday, June 10, 2006
[Warning: whining ahead]
So recently, I've been going through a rough time with God and shooting. My studies have always sucked, so nothing new. Frankly? I'm angry with myself and with God, and so very, very disappointed in my life. And I can't stand all that crap about trusting in Him because how can I put my faith in someone who's let me down time and time again? How can I believe in a kind and merciful God when all other evidence states otherwise? And there's Nicol's cousin too...things like this shouldn't happen.
/end whine.
Rifle girls team, we are one and we are the best- we'll always be. I may not be good enough for the team, even though I so wanted to be out there, fighting with all of you, thrashing rj and hc, and I can't forgive myself for screwing up so badly- but I'll support you guys no matter what. So life goes on and the world is dark but tomorrow brings another sunny beginning of failures, for failures, another dose of Hope, together with its complement Disappointment, buy one get one free, to be taken together after meals 3 times daily.
this dragon flamed at 08:30 p.m..
catafalque
Monday, May 29, 2006
The world in your eyes is black and white, like the flickering noir films of old, all incandescent light and stark shadows, good versus evil, bold lines and stark silhuoettes. For you the sun shines a rosy pink, always sunrises and never sunsets. You are innocent beyond your years, too young and too vulnerable for this weary world.
Maybe its because you have never felt loss, disappointment, betrayal or failure to any great degree. You are, in a word, inexperienced. Life bows down before your footsteps, obstacles hunker down in your way, you are a floater, drifting in the current to wherever the water takes you. You are confident- in the manner of the celestials- in your knowledge of God and the workings of the world, belief and faith comes easily. Not for you, the mundane (but seemingly ever so important!)struggles of mortals, the tiny tragedies of our lives.
But because of this, you cannot understand those who walk a different path. The wordless torment behind the barrage of light, meaningless conversation. Can you hear that? No, you are deaf. You look above me, past me, across my shoulder to an image of someone else. You are hoping for something, a miracle, an occasion of predestined (God-ordained?) love. But those things, cannot be procured, cannot be promised. Love a little and let go, that is the way of the world.
this dragon flamed at 08:22 p.m..
and so it is
Saturday, May 27, 2006
When I was younger, I used to look for someone to save me from the loneliness I struggled with. But lately I've come to accept that its an inherent part of life- no one can really connect with anyone else. And so where does that leave us? A void around every individual that no one else can fill, no language can breach, try as we might. You can't fight it, so you might as well get used to it. Maybe thats why we turn to God, because he knows all, understands all- loves all.
But deep down, we're all empty, each and every one of us. Our hopes and our dreams have died one by one, a brown death, slowly, falteringly, tarnishing and flaking off bit by bit, crumbling into ashes reluctantly. And with the death of each one of them, we grow a little more grey. Colours seeping into each other, fading into an age-worn sepia. We die inside, eventually. But thats okay, because there's never really anything much worth saving anyway.
I'll be better next week.
this dragon flamed at 10:40 p.m..
I'd rather leave first
Sunday, May 21, 2006
"The past beats inside me like a second heart" -The sea, John Banville
But memories fade, and I've forgotten how he looks like and the hoodies he loved.I remember though, the rare and silent grey font, yes, the silence on end. The smell of coffee, and behind it, the subtler scent of desperation. And sadness, slow and paralysing, a sort of resignation heavy on your shoulders. The feeling of eyes on your back as you turn too quickly and walk away. I never thought, though, that I would be the one left behind looking on, and everyone else passing me by.
No, this I do not wish to remember. This I do not wish to relive. This- love, romance, heartbreak (does it matter, all's one and the same anyway)- I can do without.
this dragon flamed at 03:54 p.m..
publicity officer?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Thank God that's over and done with. Today was cca elections for exco, and I have never been so emotionally drained before in my life. I was so nervous i didn't eat from breakfast at 6 in the morning to dinner at 9.40 pm. I even felt nauseous, headachy and numb (like, pins and needles) throughout the 4 hours spent there in the range. Talk about torture. I think I did my best concerning the speech, but I didn't manage to get the post of Club Secretary- that went to an IP girl. But yeah, I kinda expected it- competing with the IPs is tough, espcially since she was an ex-councillor. Oh well, I wish her the best of luck! Congrats to Chienwei, Julie, Siew Mei, JASON, kay tai, fishball, MY ICE KACHANG!!
I think several people deserve special mention though, although they'll probably never visit this blog:
Nicol and Hanqiang- their speeches were really good, better than most other people who spoke I think. Sadly, their newbieness was their downfall, as it almost always is.
Deyao- xiaoxiaomei, we weep with you! Bad luck, your competition was really strong. But life just isn't fair sometimes.
Kelly- aw, kel =( Its hard going up against another IP one on one, but you put up a good fight! It was so bloody close too! Still, dhs dsa girls rock!
(to some people- please la, we're all as tired out and stressed as you, but we're trying our best, so stop yelling at everyone else and just chill)
this dragon flamed at 10:32 p.m..
the sound of your joyless mirth filling the room
Sunday, May 14, 2006
You see, that's the problem isn't it? It's too late now. Too late to love and too late to hate. Too late to try for that something greater. Too late to do anything except stand here and laugh at God and laugh at Life. And you're standing there laughing and laughing until tears come into your eyes and still you can't stop- you can't stop laughing and you can't stop crying and you don't know which is which anymore. Laughing's a lot like crying sometimes.
I'm going to try harder not to hurt the people I care about the most.
this dragon flamed at 11:28 a.m..
Tramadol for the heart
Friday, May 12, 2006
So recently, there's been a mini-drama of sorts in my life. I found out that a girl (my ex-junior, horror of horrors!) has been copying my blog posts WHOLE and pasting them on her blog and passing them off as her own. Literally, with comments on how she 'just felt like writing it'. I'm mainly pissed, irritated and insulted. But if i get started, this post will end up being a bitch entry and roughly ten pages on. So, here's a warning: DON'T copy my posts. They're not even that good to begin with, I know dozens of other incredible writers that I couldn't hold a candle to. But when you copy my words, you steal my emotions, my ideas and a part of ME. Words are vessels, and come to think of it maybe thats why they always seem empty to me. Because I have nothing inside left to give.
Just when you think life's going fine and you could get used to the everyday mediocrity, it turns around and socks you in the stomach. Just when you think you've made progress, you get headbutted in the solar plexus. Yep, just when I thought I was doing so well too.
this dragon flamed at 10:10 p.m..
In God I trust
Saturday, May 6, 2006
His writing fills me up and leaves me empty- everytime I read his words I feel like I've been tumbled into a washing machine and wrung and hung out to dry. It claws up memories I've tried to bury long ago, together with the shorning of my hair. But it hurts a little less each time and the pain is good because the pain is real and it means that time is healing my wounds. I wish that I could stop reading and I wish that I could read the entries forever, so I ended up stopping halfway. But I know I am safe, because all he remembers is the fading memory of a girl he hardly knew, just as I remember a boy that lived only in my own imagination.
We were young and we were lonely and we tore ourselves and each other apart trying to find a person that never existed. He was everything I'd wanted to be but nothing that I was- I wanted so much to be with him and to be him, and I was happy but happiness isn't enough. Still, I am glad that he remembers, because then I don't have to. I can tuck those warm and soft days away, days like fireworks, bright and swiftly fading away, days where I was lost, in faith and in love.
He's found someone else now and so have I. And maybe things will work out and maybe they won't. But life goes on and it's not always bad and so we keep on trying. It goes in circles and maybe it ends without us learning anything, a repetition of events that are almost similar but seem vastly different to us, and then again maybe its a fresh new beginning full of promises and things that could be. Who knows?
this dragon flamed at 07:00 p.m..
I hurt the ones I love best
Monday, May 1, 2006
The world is grey today. There's a chill in the air that clings to you, and no warmth to be found anywhere in this lightless gloom.
The world is hollow today. Or maybe it's hollow everyday, but the coldness makes the thin film we use to hide the emptiness transparent.
Can you feel it? The ache inside each of us that's sharpened by the gnawing wind. Today I don't feel free, nor do i look forward to the approaching rains. Today I am broken, and have found that I am hollow inside, today my dreams have crumbled away- is there no eagle to lift me up in flight?
this dragon flamed at 03:59 p.m..
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Do you know why I don't blog anymore?
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to sit here and find myself without anything to say. I'm afraid of looking within myself to find the wrinkled shell of what i once was, to see myself fitting into the plastic mould of what people expect me to be.
A fear that sits deep in the back of your mind, that has made its home there, bought furniture, planted a garden and settled itself so firmly by the fireplace that you know it can never be evicted.
this dragon flamed at 01:09 p.m..
that blood-smeared cross of calvary
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Hmmm. I have contemplated allowing my blog to die sevral times, particularly since I don't have the urge to blog anymore, but I shall persevere! Haha its not that life in Nj is boring, its just that I'm lazy to record what's happened =)
Anyway! Onwards I go!
1. My english is deproving at a constant acceleration! At the same time, i am convinced that I am doomed to fail Chinese all through the rest of my (hopefully) long life. As such, I'll probably have to live life in a language-less state, being effectively non-lingual, using sign language and facial expressions to communicate. I have started preparations by learning the sign language alphabet and practising twisting my face in fron of the mirror. And so it begins!
I am too lazy to continue writing, so here I shall leave you =) In its place, you can have the lyrcis of my new favourite song!
He's everything you want,
He's everything you need,
He's everything inside that you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right times
But he means nothing to you and you don't know why
this dragon flamed at 12:22 p.m..
A prayer
Saturday, March 4, 2006
Don't leave. 06A02 will never be the same without you guys. I know it's wrong, but I'd gladly trade every single A01 person (except maybe dessy) for any A02 person leaving.
Its hard to put into words, but I guess it's enough to say that I'll miss all of you so so much, even if i didn't get much time to spend in the same class as you. And as for everyone trying to appeal- PLEASE PLEASE make it back!
this dragon flamed at 04:48 p.m..
"I hope you love me enough to say goodbye"
Saturday, February 25, 2006
So there's this movie about 2 friends, Hana and Alice. One day, Hana falls in love with this guy at first sight. She does this stalker thing, then she convinces the boy to believe she's his girlfriend by telling him he had amnesia. Which, funnily, she succeeds at. But, horror of horrors, the boy finds her stalker photos of him, which she then covers up for by making Alice pretend to be the guy's ex-girlfriend who took the photos, whom he forgot in his amnesia.
This is ironic becos the boy falls for Alice and ends up getting together with her. The moral of the story is that integrity is important for a relationship.
But what about Hana, who loved so hard that she couldn't let go? Because that is what it feels like, to cling to someone desperately even though you know that he was never yours to begin with. Even though you know that you'll only end up losing, again. Even though you know that the only reward that awaits you at the end is a long fall from grace. But you'll do it anyway, just for that few moments of pure bliss and deepest sorrow.
Sometimes the only way to love, is to let go.
this dragon flamed at 08:06 p.m..
O lvl results! TMR!
Thursday, February 9, 2006
- Medieval knights put the skin of Bernice on their sword handles to improve the grip!
- Baby swans are called Bernice!
- Worldwide, Bernice is the most important natural enemy of night-flying insects.
- Grapes explode if you put them inside Bernice!
- A Berniceometer is used to measure Bernice.
- While sleeping, fifteen percent of men snore, and ten percent grind their Bernice!
- Bernice cannot jump.
- There is no lead in a lead pencil - it is simply a stick of graphite mixed with Bernice and water!
- All swans in England belong to Bernice.
- Bernice never said 'Play it again, Sam'.
this dragon flamed at 09:41 p.m..
rawr!
Saturday, February 4, 2006
Somewhere out there is someone who's healthy, carefree and happily in love. And does not have to deal with Economics/Chinese homework.
Well, screw j00!
this dragon flamed at 08:02 p.m..
My words are empty
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Its the first day of Chinese New Year, so I figured I'd spring clean my blog too.
Every year, something in me dies a little bit more. Mushy romanticism hardens into dried up cynicism, hope fades into a past memory of something better. But deep down, there's a little voice whispering, there's got to be something else to live for, than this endless monotony of dead words and numbers...
16 years of age, but old and bitter as a 50 year old. No, I don't believe in true love, or love at first sight. I don't believe in a bright future for everyone. But I do believe in God.Because I caught a glimpse of something bigger and more beautiful, that I will never have
this dragon flamed at 11:19 a.m..