I fear psychiatrists. I've never really been to one, but to me, they’re as fake as the cheerleaders, the football jocks … They’re as fake as I, to be drastic. We sit there with our fake little smiles and fake little laughs, talking about how wonderful it is to live in Payson and how pretty the sky is when it’s blue. There’s only one person I can be real around, and that’s, my best friend. I can cry on her shoulder, which I’ve only done once or twice, but it helped take the world off my shoulders, just for a little while. (Too bad I gave it to her—I still feel guilty about that.) I can imagine an appointment-- I'll sit there in a little green chair, and he'll take notes. I'll tell him how I fear being judged (which is why I got out of theater) and how I hate large groups and I like blood and am probably a masochist. He'll nod and smile, and press a button for the little white men in little white suits to come and take me away, ha ha ...

wallet washed away @ 04:19 p.m.

what? If Wishes Were Fishes...
when? Wednesday, April 2, 2003

Sometimes I wish I could love my friends and family just as much as they deserve, over-fillingly so. I wish I could see past the faults of my mother and love her as a whole person rather than focusing my hate on certain things (but seeming to ignore the good ones, bad habits, bad Cassandra, bad!). I wish I was noble enough to be remembered after death, and even during life. I wish I wasn’t so angry all the time. I wish those around me would listen to the real me, the soul that’s literally buckling and breaking at every turn; and I wish I had the courage to tell them instead of hiding behind a mask like this. I wish I could change the world, make it a safer and better place for everyone. Sometimes I wish I could die and get it all over with, so I wouldn’t have to cry or feel pain anymore. I wish my friend (Sammy) were better and I greatly wish I never got her sick ... I wish I didn't have to shoot my mouth off or ignore people, like I did to Courtchan. If wishes were fishes, I would have a room full of stinky, decaying mackerel carcasses.

wallet washed away @ 10:47 p.m.

what? Sagely Advice
when? Wednesday, April 2, 2003

A certain man was painting a sunset behind a barn. He wished the picture to be perfect, as most painters do, and so therefore paid great attention to the shingles of the barn’s roof. Toiling mercilessly, he fretted and worried and poured his energy into making each shingle different from the others. When he was finished, he looked up, and the sunset was gone. Thus, the picture was never completed, and all of the worrying he did was wasteful and time-consuming. I want you all to do me a favor: spend half of your life finding one thing to concentrate on, whether it be love, religion, schooling, or whatever. Then, spend the rest of your life doing and enjoying that thing. You’ll be surprised at how everything else just falls away. I’m still searching.

wallet washed away @ 07:18 a.m.

what? A Name Written in Water
when? Monday, March 31, 2003

I have a rather unnerving obsession to report—My fixation on death. I love the sight of blood, and have tried many times to pen my own epitaph. I’ve written suicide notes just to see how they sound when read (I’m not going to commit suicide- my self preservation prevents this, otherwise I would be dead already).
I think this is why I want to be a doctor, to both have a salve to my obsession, and help prevent this thing I love so much.
Another factor is my want to change the world, to be remembered after death, to be literally immortal through my works. However, I’d hate to have my name written in a history book where aspiring students would remember only for the next test. I want what everyone wants after death: to have their family and friends move on, but remember you with happiness and tears. Given my bitter cynicism and satirical comments, though, I doubt those living would remember me with happy feelings, but more of disgust. Sigh. Such is life: filled with anguish, pain, and misery, but over much too soon.

wallet washed away @ 09:07 p.m.

what? Take Me For A Drive
when? Sunday, March 30, 2003

[rant] Why do men always compare women to cars? Is it some sort of stature thing? The better looking women you have, the greatest car you have, the more manly you are, etc? Jeremy (Sho) once told me that he has to test drive a car before he buys it—What a profound sexual innuendo, Jeremy, I’m so inspired. ::note, sarcasm:: It depresses me to think that you believe the opposite sex is an object you must “test out”. Women in general respect their bodies and want you to see something besides their breasts. I’m severely unnerved by the thought of you kicking me when I break down like you would do to a car, or patting me on the dash. Not that I’ll ever love you, Sho, it’s just wrong to treat women as a sex toy. We are your equals; we’re not above, not below, and I’ll be damned if you think otherwise (and generally agree with the rest of the male population.) Barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen is a completely unfair stereotype: let’s see YOU raise children, turn us on like a light bulb, clean the house, and still manage to have enough time to support the family with monetary value. Basically sums up the situation: “I’m honored, Jeremy, truly effing honored.” (Feel loved, Sammy, I know you're reading this. XD) [/rant] Something really good happened to me today, my best friend Sammy came over and spent a few good five hours with me today. She's the one who made me the blog, and I love her to pieces. If I were a guy, I'd be jealous of Mick. ... Good thing I'm not a guy, huh?

wallet washed away @ 11:10 p.m.

what? Faint Greetings
when? Sunday, March 30, 2003

Hello, and welcome to my little place of whining. If you’re looking for a blog with cheerful and chipper comments … I do apologize, but look somewhere else, you’ll not find it here. I am not a cheerleader or anything of that happy little stereotype we all love to hate. Cynicism and bitterness rule in my world; it’s a very depressing place. Read on, faithful one, although I do not recommend taking my advice; I myself I don’t use it.

wallet washed away @ 11:07 p.m.

what? testing...
when? Sunday, March 30, 2003

Hehe. XD This is sam/aiguma speaking, nyo! I made this layout especially for Cassandra, so you better think TWICE before taking anything, y'hear?!?! \_/

Hope you like it, Cassie-babe. =P FINALLY finished...

wallet washed away @ 09:01 a.m.