.footnote 2005
i got into a little motorcycle accident yesterday and sprained my wrist so i have three days at home to recover before i go off-road on tuesday again. it was awesome while it lasted, the high speed traction-less feel of the bike drifting over the mud and in the river bed.

tonight i've volunteered myself as a dj at a house party down the street. going to be smashing, ive got timo mass and mos and underworld in the line up. there's going to be murder on the dancefloor.

so i figured it's that time of the year again. i promise myself to (1) spend less and save more, especially on consumerables, (2) to stop occational bouts of procrastination, (3) refrain from speeding, (4) quit some habits and be a good boy always. not.
Saturday, December 31, 2005 | 09:26 a.m.

.
there are people who disappear when they're not around, and those that stay around even when they're away. very few people stay. i don't know why i am saying this, i'm just feeling a little sensitive this few days. because everything, everyone else is just a print in the sand that washes away, transient like that. you could go away too, you know. and nobody would notice, because really, there is no one else here but you. and everything has been about you. you know that too.

please don't disappear
Tuesday, December 27, 2005 | 10:13 p.m.

.i am a deleter.

Sunday, December 25, 2005 | 04:13 a.m.

.thepensivepenstrikes
entries usually begin with 'this' so i've avoided that this time. anyway, this morning i woke up to my phone alarm ringing so i picked it up and pressed the cancel button. two minutes later i woke up to switch it off as it was still ringing. for real this time. incredibly i dreamt i woke up to switch it off. and then while leaving my room i picked up my coins and garters from the key box, put them in my left pocket and went down stairs. after putting on my boots i reached into my pocket but they were gone so i trudged upstairs in disbelif to find that i had imagined myself putting them in my pocket when they were still in the box. that, is the extreme my mind goes these days when i'm not paying attention to myself.

my phone can't make outgoing phone calls or sms though i can recieve because i haven't been paying my bills so i used the public phone just not. it felt damn old school and noir new york. me in a trench coat, i imagined. i thought that was funny. maybe i'll let them cut my line completely and stick to phone booths in future.

Friday, December 23, 2005 | 09:45 p.m.

.i feel like a plankton
peter: yes, you are you are the mightiest plankton on earth
Sunday, January 2, 2000 | 03:23 p.m.

.movies
watched pride and prejudice, not to be missed if you've yet to catch it. great dialogue and cast. keira knightley is gorgeous too. aeonflux on the other hand is a cool, nicely stylized movie. it has a post-modernist 1984-esque setting with communist overtones and explores some issues/ideas like cloning and the meaning of life etc but felt more like it was trying hard to give the movie some substance. overall, nice visuals but poor pacing; felt longer than 90mins. watch the island.
Saturday, December 10, 2005 | 07:07 p.m.

.flowerbrain
"it's funny to be back here again after being away for so long. like going away on a holiday. putting big white sheets to cover the furniture. and when you walk back into the room. it's silent. and you're afraid you wake the dust that have quietly carpeted the sleeping objects." -skyelene

exactly what i felt when i read through the 03/04 archives. apprehensive and precarious treading. like finding your old pet dog curled up and wimpering in the corner. what else do i have for this, sore throat and sore fingers making it harder. oh yes, i've evolved into a morning glory, blooming by sunrise and sleeping by night with a 5-second memory; i can't remember what i did on monday -i dont know why and i have to think hard but that is ok. and i don't really know what to say although sometimes i feel like telling you things. things i don't know. so i can only smile and say hello.
Friday, November 18, 2005 | 01:03 p.m.

.
i think
if i die, i shall
be the wind

again that follows
the one lone
vagabond through the streets

i shall again
be the wind
that plays with a little boy's kite
on a summer's sunday morning

or the breeze
that trundles your undulating sun-dress
you wear to the market

again,
when at noon
the scent of your tea
which wafts peace from your cup

and
the whisper
{you strain to listen} everytime
that brushes the wayward strands of your hair
away from your eyes
and pink mouth

i think
if i die
again i shall be all that
and the wind



----------------
because i have no life insurance policy. haha. ok not funny.
Sunday, October 30, 2005 | 01:51 p.m.

.home coming
staying away is a good thing. it makes me appreciate my broken home more when i'm back. the holes in the ceilings are nice and home cooked food is the best thing ever. the first five minutes the moment i step into the house are dedicated to the toilet. wow the lights actually work and i dont have to built a nest of tissue paper to use the seat. today pip followed me -in my left cargo pocket- through matadore live firing (some kind of rocket launcher) in the rain and a claymore mine demolition exercise in the field. woohoo. and did i mention that i love cab rides. no? ok i love cab rides.
Saturday, October 8, 2005 | 05:10 p.m.

.
universaltraveler

i know
so many places
in the world

i follow the sun
in my silver plane

universaltraveler

so far, so far
so far away

just feel everywhere
at home
tomorrow
is a brand new day

universaltraveler
universaltraveler

-air
Sunday, October 2, 2005 | 11:16 a.m.

.new playmate
pip is my friend. she will not betray me. she comforts me on fucked up days at tekong, during the nights before slumber. she sings to me and makes me sleep. and no, pip is not a vibrating/singing sex toy or dildo. pip is my new 20gig colour ipod.
Sunday, September 25, 2005 | 03:27 p.m.

.vintage stuff
this is the coolest shit. i acquired (read stole) my dad's 1979 olympus 35rd. i spent 3 hours cleaning the green oxidised metal surface but its still pretty dirty. looks like i have to send it to the camera hospital to get it checked and cleaned inside out.
Thursday, September 15, 2005 | 01:37 p.m.

.
yesterday night was smashing good time at LK with pete and fernandes. so smashing i forgot to wake up this morning to report to camp. god bless the kind woman at fts who was nice enough to spontaneously extend my leave further till friday afternoon.

lately, mirages of fried taogay and teppanyaki chef cooking up a feast in banquet proportions have been incessantly flooding my mind. i must/need visit the hill top teppanyaki restaurant at jurong hill before i die of illusional starvation.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005 | 01:01 p.m.

.
i am fucking depressed.
Wednesday, September 7, 2005 | 03:40 p.m.

.
mirror of blue glass
crawling
electric ants harversting words
lovers pop like pfizer

there is a distance that spans
one half pail of rain
of mindless, exasperate tadpoles
trying to reach the red
for the grass

you show me a door
and candle
jump jack

and i am scintillate
like a ray
learning the walls like prisms
becoming your roygbiv
Wednesday, August 10, 2005 | 10:57 p.m.

.
what, you want to hear stories? ok, ok, i give you. one day i walk to a river to pee and i see dead fallen leaves flowing downstream. i drop my pants all the way to the ground, the usual way i do my business. as i am at the edge of the waters my pants becomes submerged as the water fils it up like a lung. also, pieces of the floating leaves become trapped in it. leaves in the agua lungs. like teabags. now, all this happens without me noticing. i am barefooted by the way, that is, on one leg - hence not barefeeted. on my other leg is a brown moccasin. the soaked shoe feels soggy and cooling, but more like soiled diapers. the other one in all its naked glory just enjoyed the chirapsia of the gravel and pebble it reign upon. what other better way to enjoy catharsis than this? but that's not all. here comes the acme, the one peterpan-moment of joy. i pick up my pants and put them on, water draining from the pockets (which have holes for your information) and tying the drawstring loosely but securely along with the trapped leaves unknowingly. i see a copper coin and try to pick it p, wandering slightly into the river. in god we trust, it says. knee deep now, a lime green flower floats by, called faith. as i stretch to catch it, i slip on the pebbles and fall into the river. fortunately, and pleasantly surprised, the dead leaves in my pockets keep me afloat and drifting like a little boat gently down the stream. merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is like a dream.
Monday, August 1, 2005 | 09:40 p.m.

.
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
- greenday
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | 08:50 p.m.

.
tickets have been confirmed, im leaving on the 14th of august. can't wait to fly. im thinking if i should get an lca on auction. it's a ussr (1988) domestic make i.e. not the export version, which makes it a pretty rare find since they've reportedly stopped production. so that will set me back by $180 (and that's a steal) but i've also got a 20gb zen player on my list ($399). hrmmm.


Wednesday, July 13, 2005 | 07:06 p.m.

.
well life's been pretty good at air force school. i've been relocated to P.L. airbase and i'm leaving for tamworth next month. i kinda miss sispec and the camaradarie of the army, especially zr and section mates. delta coy was a nice place. my posts have ran dry and parched. you can tell by what you don't read here. parched and overgrown with cactus.
Friday, July 8, 2005 | 10:57 p.m.

.bah
i have to report to the school of infantry specialists (sispec) tomorrow and dreading it. have yet to pack my bag -i cant find my white socks and one uniform waiting to be ironed. typical. i can't believe i'm going back to that island. will no doubt be fighting with depression and i can already picture the despondent, sad faces of everyone on the ferry. oh well, bye jason.
Sunday, June 19, 2005 | 11:02 p.m.

.peggy sue's
so i find myself sitting for two hours at an old, obscure coffeeshop across the tall government buildings where i had an interview, thinking of where to go next. i htink to myself if i should go to tuesday's cell group with ashley, to town for a walk, to avalon or back home. i didn't even realise it was raining until i decided to cross the road to the dingy bus terminal. everything reeked of squalor, quite a stark juxtaposition against the ostenstation of the buildings only just separated by a road and linked by a pedestrian bridge. i think, it seems always that one thing defines another, like howfreedom is defined by restriction and vice versa. during the nine weeks at tekong, i was constantly aware of how an environment can be opressive and liberating at the same time. it was especially during punishments, whether deserving or not, pulling breakdance-like moves changing from push-up positions to crunches and others that i began to see how each change felt easier than the previous and the next, although it was pretty much a reptition of the same positions. from the push-up position, your arms tremble with fatique while looking straight down at the hot tarmac and having drops of perspiration appearing infront of you. when it was time to change to crunches, it was most appreciated; the view changes to a blue sky or a dark cloudless night littered with such a number of stars one hardly ever gets to see in singapore. even the low flying commercial planes and the drone of the engines were like little rungs you hung on to that formed a ladder of freedom in the sky and the heart, no matter how temporal. tekong wasn't hell, and i think i love pegasus for all the little things i've learnt from her. seven days of block leave and i am still trying to adjust to a secondary alternate reality. on weekends i become a civilian again and struggle to catch up with people and speaking a decent standard of english. and then, on weekdays i become a part-time ah beng sprouting pidgin english punctuated with dialect, vulgarities and soldier lingo. at avalon, they talk to me about having a passion. i try to think of one unwavering passion and find none. i don't even read or write anymore. these days i buy the newspapers and leave them on my table. today, for the first time in 3 months i'm feeling like autumn again.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 | 01:31 p.m.

.house arrest
i can't go anywhere thanks to a fever and there's nothing much to do at home so i am impatiently waiting for melissa to finish her driving lessons and come over to save me from turning into another piece of furniture in the house. that was an awfully long sentence. we're going to watch spongebob. really.

mom made me greenbean soup with rice inside, some kind of porridge that tastes really good. and i have one whole pot of it to myself. you don't realise what you're missing when you've been away for so long. i have to compile a portfolio and write for university and make reservations for accomodation and transport to KL next weekend with section mates which i think i don't really want to go. i don't know why. maybe its getting a bit too fucking boring around here. i get bored far too easily.
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 | 03:21 p.m.

.back from hell
wow. i re-read the archives and its a strange feeling a la e.s.o.t.s.m. i think i become cynically callous every once in a while and yadayada so much of this selfspection/spectra. i think my soul needs a good salvaging/overhaul. and i need to see a doctor for the blood im coughing out. seriously. i think i have ebola or something.
Sunday, May 1, 2005 | 01:27 p.m.

.tekongbound
come tomorrow i get drafted to the army where i will be marooned on a deserted island infested with wild boars and little boys for three months. they say don't ever drop the soap. i wonder why. don't miss me ya'll.
Thursday, April 7, 2005 | 03:52 p.m.

.new toy
i think i must be sufficiently mad to have bought myself a holga considering how cash-strapped i am at the moment. i surprise myself like this everytime. this is my new dreambox, it uses medium format 120 film and comes with an added tripod mount and the new 'b' shooter mode which means i am now cooler than you. don't move, or i'll shoot.
Monday, April 4, 2005 | 10:54 p.m.

.yum
just had some pacific clams. ever realise that they bear a peculiar resemblance to.. erm, pacific clams?
Sunday, April 3, 2005 | 02:25 p.m.

.like little waves
i still miss people when i'm tired.
Monday, March 28, 2005 | 10:02 p.m.

.open-hearted
zhu ni kai xin by local singer sun yanzi is refreshing and gently pleasant, like cool drizzles at sundown. i hope you're happy.
Friday, February 18, 2005 | 08:04 p.m.

.ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching light speed.
i got myself the radeon 9550 128MB from sapphire which is actually a low cost down-cut version of the 9600. Clock speeds are 250/200 and since the 9600 chip can clock -A LOT- faster than that, ATI added an overclocking protection in the Catalyst drivers. after much fed-up tweaking for two weeks, just now, after installing softmod drivers which removes the clock lock i've overclocked the original core speed of 250 to 400mhz running with the stock fan :) neat.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 | 12:55 a.m.

.
when i was little, i never understood why i felt a tinge of pain accompanying awe whenever i read or saw something remotely beautiful. little things like sunsets or sidewalks scattered with little, yellow petals. but then i realised i was aching from all the beauty. like how i used to ache for her.

it doesn't happen much now. but i still ache sometimes (& only sometimes).
Tuesday, February 1, 2005 | 12:31 a.m.

.it's getting addictive.
more rave runs. we took a trip down upper pierce reservoir after sunset, running down the road with secondary forests on both sides in pitch darkness. the gates were locked but we squeezed through the gap of the side entrance. there were no street lights so we just ran towards whatever we couldn't make out in front. it's a very unique experience running in the dark without anything, save for running attire and a pair of car keys, far away from civilization. it's like a liberation of sorts coupled with a sense of tranquility. a whip-lash release after a week of grind. we were fuelled by adrenalin and a fear of getting raped by the monkeys in the trees. read sammy's account of the run: "You can only hear yourself breathing. And the pulses of your heartbeat raging throught the flesh on your neck..."

amongst other things, i have a growing resentment for self-satisfying people. the bourgeois armchair scions in particular. don't ask me why. and it isn't envy.
Sunday, January 30, 2005 | 12:16 a.m.

.solo run
i finally took a long over due run this morning, about 10 kilometers to upper pierce reservoir and back. great mind-body emancipation. need more of that.
Sunday, January 23, 2005 | 04:39 p.m.

.
i am thinking if i can hold out long enough i won't need/have to distill the brassandvinegar harshness and bear it in accretion. i am thinking that if i hold out long enough i will become inured and i can let it wane out on its own; ceasing with sunsets, passing like the seasons.
Monday, January 17, 2005 | 10:50 p.m.

.open source ems the next big thing?
there is a group that has started a project on open source EMS. the volunteers run a website similar to a wiki. very interesting.
Saturday, January 15, 2005 | 11:07 p.m.