Velveteen:

Monday, October 21, 2002
8:00 pm
Velveteen
I'm sitting in a computer lab on CU campus waiting for my computer HTML class to end. It's taking so long because I did this project and put it on a zip disk, but I'm an idiot and it's only a mac zip disk, so I have to wait for people to leave the mac lab here so that the instructor can see the project on a mac ... so I've got a few minutes to wait. I think that finially all the pictures on my sites have been taken down, so my sites may enter a sort of retirement for a bit here, until I can figure out another place to host all of my pictures, so everything looks like shit for a while.
oh well so it goes.
Velveteen

Sunday, October 13, 2002
4:54 am
Velveteen
For some reason right now I feel the need to re-state that I don't have any obligation to update this frequently if I don't feel like it, or to write all the events that happen in my life.
so there.
I've been doing too much soul searching this year, I don't know if this could be particularly good for a person, but as I seem to write about whatever is troubleing me I figure I'll just write about this and mabye it will stop plagueing me for now at least.
Do you belive that a person can do too much deep thinking? I mean sure we all know it's not a good idea never to think about things for real, to be really caught up in what you're searching for or wondering about .... it makes for shallow people, BUT .... is it equally bad for a person to be too caught up in the deeper things of life that the shallow surface level of life starts to suffer for it? Because that has certainly affected me more now than it ever has before.
I'm too caught up in trying to understand all of this shit that is supposed to be my life, I need to just let go of all of it and proceed with my life.
I need to get over all of this that's distracting me from What's Really Important , and go on with Real Life like a Good Girl.
Like if I've really just made all of this up in my head like I feel I have, or if there is indeed some purpose to all of this pain that I feel so often now. That I drag my family and my friends down with, when people complain that I don't smile enough, or that I seem off or strange for one day and then better another because I've got the presance of mind to keep it all inside that time.
I don't know if it wern't for the sake of my having _some_ sort of control over my emotions but that I wouldn't just be crying all over the place ruining everything.
Some of my frineds are left begging me for information on how I'm doing, and certain others become my extra therapists, and much love to them for doing it, because I know I couldn't put up wiht my constant whining and complaining , and some people just ask all the right questions.
I don't want to do this, but it's too hard to stop and too easy to continue in this path where I'm so burdensome and not really going anywhere wiht my life.
and that would be true except that I'm trying so desperately to get out of this fix I've got myself into, ... and all of my art right now is utter crap.
Some friends just by telling me about themselves though, have helped me so much, I never realized in some cases what complex wondeful people I know, and I'm grateful for that.
But I'm a loser about communication.
So I just suck a lot in many ways, but earlier tonight I was quite depressed and I was dragged out of it by philosophical talk with one such friend, ... but how long is anything going to last, how can I drag myself , or be dragged kicking and screaming, out of my depresion and my anxiety over my life ...
Velveteen

Thursday, October 3, 2002
10:48 pm
Velveteen
So it's been a little bit of time since I last posted here, but that's ok, still less than a week anyhow.
Yesterday I went to a new psychologist type person to get some testing done, I'm having all sorts of tests to try and f igure out what's worng with me.
Some of them are like the Rorshock(sp?) ink blot tests, and some are regular old IQ tests, with stuff like rearranging blocks to vocabulary tests (hell yeah) and things like that.
I think I suked majorly on the arranging blocks to look like a picture, but I guess I'll find out in the results, it's not like you get extra points for doing well, or if you're bad for dooing poorly, it's more like ..
well if you do very well on one part and very poorly on another part then that really says something about the way you think and the organization of your brain, and they can interpret things from that.
So that's what these tests are all about.
I'm working on catching up all the work I have to do in my spanish class after being sick for two weeks, I just went back for the first time this tuesday, that class is the most boing place on the face of the earth.
BUT I SURVIVED! yay me. Just barely. It really is quite awful, in this many weeks we're not even through chapter 2 yet ... and each class is 3 fucking hours long. god.
oh well. That's all for now folks,
Velveteen

Friday, September 27, 2002
5:53 pm
Velveteen
So here comes another pointless rambling entry from me. I'm ACTUALLY in a good mood today, I really don't feel too bad at all, which is a wonderful thing.
This morning I met with Dr Stetler (my psychiatrist) and Ellen (my psychologist) and my parents to talk about what's wrong with me and how they can be more supportive and understandding and everything, and so that they can get a clearer picture of what it is that's going on with me.
I think that it went really well, and I do think that they understand better now than they did before the meeting, and I left it feeling pretty good about things, it was nice to have things wrapped up a bit mroe and made into somewhat of an understandable package, even if my diagnosis is still just "complex". I do wish that I had something more concrete to go on than that, it's something at least.
I mean at least they acknowledge that there is a problem, and it's not just me making all this up inside my head, and there's not actually anything wrong with me.
Supposedly I have some sort of a thought disorder, I could have a mood disorder, but they think that the mood stuff is more of a result of the thought stuff, or mabye in addition to it, since I've been depressed for pretty much all my life. I dont' really know what thought disorders are or what that means, but Dr. S is going to fill me in a little bit more when I next meet with her after I've had some more intensive psychological testing.
So that's what's going on with me right now, it's friday night, and we're going to have another anime showing party thing tonight. I don't know what we're going to watch yet, but I'm sort of pulling for the Utena movie though I've alredy seen it, I want to make sure of seeing something good this time, I mean I was sort of liking the macross plus that we were watchingm but I had no attention span for it or something.
What I did like last time was the Vampire Hunter D movie that we watched, it was really beautifully done and very attractive and gripping compared to some of what we watch, or we could watch more Miazaki movies like we were the time before last.
Oh well, but I do hope we watch some things that I like, becasue I'm uncharitable that way =P
Velveteen

Thursday, September 26, 2002
4:14 pm
Velveteen
Well, I've been a lazy bum about writng in here lately, but I'll try and do a better job for all of you out there who are actually reading this, which I of course appreicate great loads because it means that I don't have to explain everything that happens to me via email. and those of you who don't read it very often .... well that shows how much you care about me =P
This morning I was looking on line for cheap airfare to Boston and back so that I can make that trip I've been talking about to visit Wellesley. I found so far that I can go out on the 30th of Oct. and come back Nov. 4th for 6 ... which isn't so bad, but I'm going to look if I can find anything a little bit better. I really am pretty damn low on cash and all. Also I want to see if I can get my parents to pay for cab-fare so that I don't have to try and ride the T with all my bags and everything .... but if any of you over there in Wellesley have any better ideas for me, I would be glad to hear them, because I don't think my parents are going to donate any cash to the effort.
Which makes this trip lots harder to take since I'm funding the whole thing.
Yesterday I went to visit Pat out at Mines in Golden, we hung aroud with his roomate for a while which was less than wonderful, ... He gave me a tour of the campus, which is a pretty nice one, with lots of nice rocks all over the place (school of mines ... rocks ... yeah) but some really nice buildings and the whole envirionment was very collegiate. Or however you spell that word.
We got bored so we decided to drive up to the M on the mountain side, and while we were up there we drove a bit fruther and hiked around a touch and saw Buffalo Bill's grave. There was also this little tourist outpost up there that kept advertising it's Root Beer, so we figured that we might as well have some while we were there, so we went in, and they were also serving ice cream, so we had a couple of Root Beer Floats, which really were worth the whole drive up there, it was very nice. We had pretty good time, and I'm glad that I went to visit him.
The day before that I painted when I didn't really know what to do with myself and I gave the painting to Pat, though I've still got one promised to Tom, but I think he wants something a little different from that one I just did.
Not that much is really going on, but I've been doing ok, I started a new medication again, so I'll see how this one works this time, I guess I really just hope I don't end up being allergic to it this time 'round.
That's about it.
Velveteen

Wednesday, September 18, 2002
5:11 pm
Velveteen
Alright, according to Pat, the last entry sounded like I was about to off myself, so it's not quite that bad, but it nearly was ... however I am SO SO SO much better today.
That's not to say that I'm completely better now or anything, but there is a huge improvement over yesterday, and I hope to continue feeling better through tonight.
To update what was happening to me ... well here 'goes------->
One of the medications that I was on, Lamictal, has a possible side effect of a rash if you end up being allergic to it.
One form of this rash is just highly uncomfortable, and one form is life threatening. You're about one in tenthousand, or maybe it was a hundred thousand, if you develop a rash at all, and then it's less likely to get the deadly variety of course.
Well, on Saturday morning I woke up with a rash. It was pretty bad, mostly on my legs and thighs, and moving onto my upper arms etc. So of course I called my psychiatrist, but she was out of town.
So I called the woman covering for her, and she told me to get in to see my doctor. My doctor was also gone so I had to go see some other guy who she workes with.
However I did get in to see him later that day, by which time the rash had intensified considerably.
He verified that it wasn't the deadly variety, but didn't give me anything for it or anything like that and just sent me off home. I was incredibly uncomfortable, and to top it off he told me to stop taking ALL of my medications, so I went off of everything cold turkey.
The next morning, it was considerably worse yet again, in some places it was just completely no skin and all rash, and really red and itchy, I just couldn't even sit still, so my mother dragged me to the urgent care centre.
There I got in to see another doctor, who was very funny actually and sort of quick and efficient.
He looked at the rash and made some amusing comments, and said that yes there was plenty that they could do for me to help it go away sooner and make me more comfortable in the meantime. He perscribed pregnazone (sp?) which is a steroid, and told me to take benedryl until it stoped itching.
So did that, and so the following morning, Monday, the rash was looking a lot better than it had, and I just completely slept a couple days away, because benedryl will do that to me.
After all of that fun, my psychiatrist still hand't gotten back to me, so I was still off of all my other medications, and that really caught up with me on Monday and then even more so on Tuesday. So I got all incredibly depressed and insanely unhappy and was just completely in hell there for a while.
I got in to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and she got me back on my other two medications (the ones I didn't have the allergic reaction to) and perscribed something else for me to take in the meantime to help me feel better from all this crazyness ... that stuff is used to prevent seizures and panic attacks, so I guess it was just to sort of sedate me and let me relax some more.
Part of the problem is that the pregnazone (sp?) makes people feel all hyped up and psycho sort of and really tense and anxious, which is really just the last thing that I needed at that time.
I was alternately sleeping and sleeping and then almost shaking and completely miserable.
One thing that my psychiatrist helped me to understand was that what my body was going through with the rash and what not was nothing compared to what my brain was going through with all of those fast chemical changes messing with it. I mean, it's hard enough to have any sort of stability for me, so that was really jarring and threw me quite a bit.
I missed both of my classes this week, understandably, so I've got to email professors and get all caught up, but that shouldn't be too hard.
Today my mom and I have been baking for those who haven't gotten treats yet, so Jeff and Dave this means you, and Jeff if you're reading this .. address ... please? Or I guess I can send cookies to a P.O. Box and see if that works ok, I suppose they'll get there somewhere.
I do owe Jeff a big thank you for writing me a nice email when I was feeling my most down, and to Pat for all of his concern and checking in on how I'm doing, it really means a lot.
Tomorrow we have tickets to go and see Dorian, which I really hope will be good, but it's gotten wonderful reviews, and it's based on Oscar Wilde's book The Picture of Dorian Grey ... so it promises well.
I've been listening to the smiths and wearing my velvet hat and just trying to feel calm and better and happier, so I'm much much much better off than I was yesterday. Also keeping busy today has helped me a lot.
And things are getting better.
Velveteen

Tuesday, September 17, 2002
11:12 pm
Velveteen
Have been in hell.
I don't want to write about it right now, but I'm starting to make some sort of recovery.
Body in great turmoil, mind is ten times worse,
And I was off all my drugs for a while, so medication is all insane.
Just crying half the time and falling alseep for the rest of it.
Feeling so worthless and empty today, just all around bad.
That's all I really want to wright just now.
Velveteen

Wednesday, September 11, 2002
11:39 pm
Velveteen
So here we go, the obligatory 9/11 post, eh?
Maybe but maybe not. I feel strange today, I don't know if it's just a lot more that my average bouts of depression or if it's affected by what day it is, I've been staying away from newspaper, television, radio. Tonight I rented movies because I didn't know what to do with myself, but I haven't enjoyed watching them at all which is why I'm now back in my room at my computer wondering why no one wants to talk to me on aim, and figuring that I would be a crappy conversationalist even if they did want to talk. Because whatever I'm feeling is certainly boardering on nothing. Not nothing like I don't feel anything, nothing like I don't know what to feel, or like I feel quite empty. First of all I have no idea how to feel around the whole political, social, and personal situation surrounding Sept. 11. No I didn't lose anyone myself, but yes it certiainly shook me up quite a bit. I have a tendancy to be more affected by abstract concepts or events than most people are, so I'm doing a lot of remembering today, and a lot of hurting that I'd sort of pushed aside because I was sick of thinking about it. And I think that this is what many people have done, they have pushed the pain aside and gone on with their lives, because, really, that's the only thing for them to do. But it doesn't let you get entirely through that whole grieving process thing that people are always talking about and which there may or may not be something to. I think these things do take time to get over, and even if we are going to go on with our lives like usual after an event like this has ocurred, there is still a change that will not go away, which we have to deal with in some way sooner of later.
I think large catastrophies have strange effects on groups of people. I think that often we don't really know how to react, so we either react like society tells us to, or we pull some sort of rebellion thing and just react in rejection to that expected behaviour, but really this is something which everyone needs to deal with on a personal level, so these responces which, weather in rebellion from, or obediance to society , really do nothing for us in our own personal experience of tradgedy.
Somehow I think that people need to find individual ways to overcome this, and one strategy is to reject its importance, or even to acknowledge its importance, but to move on past it without ever truely experienceing its significance. This strands us halfway thorough, with no where to go to either leave grief behind, or to experience it more completely.
I know that I shoved Sept. 11th to a great degree out of my immediate consciousness, and just didn't want to think about it anymore. I blamed the media for going on and on and on about it, I blamed people for oversentimentalizing something that there was no real way to express, I just didn't really know what to do with my feelings. Because I have had feelings surrounding this whole happening. Not really specific feelings like you might expect, I don't feel unsafe or attacked, vengeful or even specifically saddened. I think to some degree it's been a rude awakening to the reality of the world. This is the first thing like this that has ocurred in my memory. The only thing I can compare to it would be the shootings at Columbine, but even that was experienced very personally for me rather than so socially and globally. There hasn't been an occurance like this which I haven't really known how to deal with in my mind.
There's no past experience to refer back to, nothing to really help me know how to feel, so instead of just finding a way to feel which seemed right to me, I think I just sort of pushed it away and chose to not let the full impact hit me all at once. I never cried in those first days, and then crying afterwards felt silly, so I never really let myself feel sad. And in a way, I don't feel sad. I think that's greatly because of the relief I feel at not having lost anyone. My uncle some of you may know worked very closely around the world trade center and was often there. I was very lucky not to lose him. But in other ways, I think that my reaction has been very selfish.
But as I consider this, I think that a selfish reaction is only natural to have. I think that I can't blame myself from withdrawing and taking care of myself, for finding my own ways to cope with the pain whether they be "right" or "worng" ways to do so. I think that many people have similarly reacted selfishly, even in doing things which are not selfish seeming at all. It seems like it's basic instinct to look after ourselves first and foremost. Look after ourselves and our interests, keep those we love safe, and happy. In many ways things which are seemingly selfless are in fact quite self serving. And I think that to retreat to one's self is a very natural reaction to all of this. They say that people often fuck after funerals, people who love one another. Like an affirmation of life. I think it's the same sort of thing, except for people who aren't that lucky. Just to love yourself, and do what you need most and screw everyone else and their needs. Because I figure that more or less that's what I've done.
This is getting abstract, but I don't figure any potential readers will have made it this far, and if they did they probablly care about me for some reason or another so maybe they'll understand my strangeness, because my writing is certinaly garbled and probablly doens't make too much sense, or speak for itself very eloquently. Plus of course I have no intention of checking this for grammer or spelling or punctuation or even for content. These are simply my impressions at a given moment.
End of aside
I think retreating into a selfish space, and placing ourselves first in our care and in our actions, is actually a very life affirming thing for those of us who really only have ourselves. I mean sure, there is family and friends, but ... well who's really not alone? I suppose if you're in love then you're not alone, but I wouldn't really know now would I because I've never been in love, at least not with someone who loved me back. So I've never been in a "love situation".
I think that despite how much I hate myserlf, and can't see any of my good points and so on and so forth which anyone who knows me which would be anyone who is reading this would know. Despite how much I hate myself, I think I'm in the midst of a love affair with myself.
Anyhow, that's my reaction to September 11th, because now it's 12:02 am, September 12th.
I love you all.
Velveteen

Monday, September 9, 2002
5:56 pm
Velveteen
Right now I am in my first html class, and I'm sittting at one of the computers in the computer lab that we are using. I'm not sure when the class will start so this may be cut short at any time.
Yesterday Pat and Julie and Katie and I went to a baseball game in Denver, though none of us are really fans of baseball, and we also saw the museum of fine arts as well as the library, it was a regular Ferris day, but it was great.
We also went out to dinner on the 16th street mall, and just had a nice time and talked and sat around.
the night before, Julie and I were going to go to the outdoor cinema, but instead we just ended up going to the tea house and sitting around talking and eating a late dinner.
In other words things have been somewhat busy, but it's been good these past few days.
I've been glad to get to see my frineds and do some fun things.
I think class is starting soon, so that's all for now.
Velveteen

Saturday, September 7, 2002
9:11 pm
Velveteen
Julie is coming over in a few minutes and we're going to go over to the outdoor cinema and see if we can catch the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which has always been a pretty damn cool movie.
Earlier today Pat came over and we went around Boulder and looked in at Peppercorn and Boulder Bookstore and places like that after buying school supplies for him.
Tomorrow the three of us are going to go to the baseball game, I think it's Rockies vs. Padres, anyhow, we've got a good enough chance of wining, and it should be a nice day, so I'll get to be somewhat less horribly pale maybe.
Don't really like sports, but the occasional baseball game is more like a social event than a sporting event, and it's fun and nice and american and plastic and everything.
Besides, more of my dad gets ingrained into me than I'd like to admit to, and he really enjoys baseball games for some reason ... well then again he watches golf and football on televison so I guess he's just a typical sort of sports guy, but I think the baseball thing is sort of different.
Well, Julie should be here any time now, so I'll be getting ready to leave,
Velveteen

Saturday, September 7, 2002
11:27 am
Velveteen
Not too much has been happening, last night Pat came over from Mines, he's going to spend the weekend at home, and we watched Silence of the Lambs, because he had never seen it. We didn't really do anything, but I think we had a nice time nonetheless. I burned some Bjork for him because he liked the one song that I put on a cd for him, so I hope he likes more of it.
Tom has just gone to get a haircut, he's not going to make it short, but rather keep it long and just get it trimmed or cleaned up or whatever, and shorter in the back, I hope it comes out well, because he's been looking so cute recently.
I've watched the first couple epps of Chobits which is some new series that CLAMP has done about an android sort of girl and the boy who finds her and owns her. He's sort of uncute and clueless, but she's cute and he's got a cute neighbor guy which is nice .... however it doensn't really live up to CLAMP's previous standards of aesthetically pleasingness as demonstrated in X and TB and whatnot.
I've sort of discovered Carracho for downloading stuff, it's easier to find thing there, but most of my downloads seem to cut off before they are finished, and a lot of them take a long time, so it's still just so so on that, but I guess at least more stuff is out there on it.
I started a new medication so I will have to see how that works out for me, if it makes me feel better, but I can't tell if there is any difference just yet. So that could be a good thing or a bad thing.
I'm missing my friends, everyone whose off at college leaving poor me behind in colorado and everyone out at Wellesley where I'm not right now, it sucks to be so mostly alone.
I have to send an email to chris benson because he told me he had a livejournal, and he wanted to give me some recomendations about stuff to read. Also, I've got to get my cds back from kevin because I have to burn some stuff for chris.
That's all that's really going on right now.
Velveteen

Wednesday, September 4, 2002
6:49 pm
Velveteen
The Spanish class went relitively well, though I think I might be in for a bit of an easy time, it will be nice to just coast through something for once, sometimes you just get so sick of working your ass off everywhere eh?
On CU campus though I ran into some people ... I saw Mike whom I have not seen for ... what 3 years now, Dawson people help me out with that one if you remember who he is.
We wern't on the best of terms when we parted, ummm longstoryforthosewhodon'tknow ... but I guess he got over that, because he said something about seeing eachother in the future some time. I gave him my email address, so further updates on that matter will be posted when and if he writes to me. I also ran into Tomny, the "shoe guy" that some of you have heard about, which was a much more pleasent experience. I thought I heard his voice on the stairs and it turns out that I was right. Had to explain (to both of them,) about how I'm taking a year off .... gawd it's obnoxious to have to explain that again and again, but it's sort of necessary to let people know why I'm still here.
In other news, we have baked and sent treats to Bethany, Aileen, Jess and Pat (did I say this alreadly?) and Dave and Jeff will be getting treats next week. I want reports on how this stuff makes it through the mail, OK? Honesty is important here because we need to know if lemon bars melt, or brownies are demolished etc.
Suggest putting all snacks in fridge.
I don't have too much more going on for the rest of this week, ... some appointments with psychologist/iatrist type people and stuff like that and my general health.
For those of you who remember that thing that I was writing, I may post it on some new part of this site that I am going to make... so ask me about that later and I will let you know how it's going.
Velveteen

Tuesday, September 3, 2002
4:54 pm
Velveteen
Well, my first class at CU is tonight, it's the Spanish class, I'm a bit nervous about getting there and finding the place and about there being too many or too few students in the class and stuff like that, but generally I'm pretty optimistic about it.
The other night we had another anime gettogether which was nice and good, and Chris Benson's house. We watched other movies by the person who made Princess Mononoke, once called Naussica of the Valley of the Wind (or something like that ) was particularly good, and Kiki's Delivery Service is, of course, the cutest thing in the world.
Chris saw my site, I was too embarassed, I just wanted to link to something, so I had to come here first... I didn't mention it being mine, because ... well how many people really need to know about it.
I'm trying to make carracho work well for me, and so far so good I suppose.
I'm trying to download some eps of "Chobits" now which is apparently some series that CLAMP did ... maybe it's what's taken them away from just fucking finishing X well.
Today I sent off packages to friends with brownies and lemon bars and good stuff like that, so those should get to people by around Friday. Packages were sent to Aileen, Bethany, Jess, and Pat. Next week we're sending to Jeff, Matt, and Dave. Maybe we'll add someone else onto the list as well, just have to think of them.
I'm going to talk to Kevin soon and get some more anime from him which will be nice, and he has my cd case with most of my burned stuff in it as well.
That's it for what's going on now, I've got to leave in 1/2 hour for my class,
Velveteen

Monday, August 26, 2002
8:10 pm
Velveteen
Things are going pretty well right now, it was dad's birthday yesterday, and we had a nice family celebration, today I went to yoga with my mom which was .... extremely tiring, but worth it I suppose. I am trying to think and find a way of going to visit Boston, that would be really cool, and I would get to see people which would be fantastic, really. And I miss so many people so much. Especially some of the people who may or may not be reading this right now. I think I may tell more people about this site because then more of my friends could keep up with me this way in additon to email which can be a bit much sometimes.
Aileen, are you going to resume writing in your blog? that would be cool if you did, really, and we need to save that other place from death, girls, ... I'll make it a pretty layout and then you will want to go there right?
Tom is finally back from that all summer long streach of goneness of his, and he had orientation today for Dawson, it must have been hard to miss all of his friends leaving and everything. He's out at Dawson tonight for dinner, and that banquet thing and everything.
He's lost a lot of friends to college this year, I hope he's not too lonely. I know how much he will be missing people.