Velveteen:

Tuesday, August 20, 2002
2:03 pm
VelvetMoth
*sob* everyone is leaving for school!! Dave has left already, today, and Jeff is leaving on Thursday, and I'm just being completely abandoned! It's awful. I'm going to be so lonely, just all by myself.
I finially went to the doctor yesterday for this cold or alergies or whatever that's been plaguing me for so long now, and it turns out I have a sinus infection, and those don't go away until they are treated ... so I feel sort of really completely dumb about that one, and not going in sooner, but at least it should be getting better soon. Also today I went to the dentist, and they cleaned my teeth. I have to go back in on the 4th to have them fix that tooth that has the chip in it that has been fixed and re-broken a thousand times now ...
I am feeling a bunch better today than I was before, so maybe the antibiotics are kicking in and this sinus infection is finially clearing up, that would be nice, now wouldn't it.
VelvetMoth

Thursday, August 15, 2002
4:42 pm
VelvetMoth
Mom and Dad just took off for the hospital to see if there's anything that they can do for dad with how sick he's feeling.
I've started to get pretty depressed about how all my friends are going to be leaving to go out to college in just a little while here, I will really miss them a lot. I am considering expanding the audience of this a bit, though I don't know if they will like the layout and all very much, they could at least keep up with me that way, or I could change just velveteen to be more neutral, and not link it back to the rest of the sites, though that would maybe be a bit weird. Ah well, I will have to make a decision one way or another pretty soon here.
People are going to the outdoor cinema tonight, I am glad about that because that way I will get to see some more people before they all leave, but it's still getting way too close for comfort, and I know it's going to be hard on me to see them all go, and to have time to go to college rolling back around without leaving myself.
Just knowing that Wellesley will be starting again without me will really suck, and I know I am going to be missing out on so much. I will be missing my friends there even more than ever, ... it's always hard to know life is going on without you.
I've signed up for some classes at CU, in Spanish and in HTML which should be good, and maybe I will meet some worthwhile people there, or maybe not, but either way it can't hurt to take the classes, and they'll put me in a better situation when I do return to Wellesley.
I'm also going to be looking to get a job, since the classes are in the evenings a job with normalish hours should work well, and some more money to spend couldn't hurt.
I need to trade some anime with Kevin before too long, which could be good because then I would have a bit more to offer Aileen in exchange for all that I'm wanting to ask her for. ^_^ Thanks for listening,
VelvetMoth

Thursday, August 15, 2002
4:42 pm
VelvetMoth
It's ok here right now, dad is feeling pretty awful, and mom is out grocery shopping, and I just got back from seeing Ellan, I was a little late, but it was alright. I feel really tired and all congested and sick-like. Guess what? I have an audience of 3 now! benfromengland found this place as well ... crafty ol' ben. Actually I'm pretty glad .. hark my fame doth spread.
So I sit here listening to Electroshock Blues and moping around about how I've got to do laundry and all ... *sigh* and my room is "a trashpit" according to father dearest. ^_^
VelvetMoth

Wednesday, August 14, 2002
10:09 pm
VelvetMoth
Things have been a bit fast and slow around here recently. My dad just had surgery in his nose so that perhaps he won't snore so loud anymore, and my mom will be able to sleep in the bed again, so it's been hard seeing him around here hurting ... something about dad feeling bad really drags the whole family (only me and mom right now, tom is still gone) down ... I think, or actutally, mom thinks, that it's because he's usually such a happy guy that it's hard to see him miserable.
Mom had decided, and I'm hitting my head muttering "duh...", that I have alergies. It makes sense, no cold lasts this long, half way between a cold and not a cold. It's silly we didn't see it before. Apparently lots of people who have alergies didn't always have them, I guess they can develp as you grow up. So anyhow, that's bugging me mildly, just my nose is all stuffy, and my eyes are sort of burning etc. It's none too pleasent, but it's nothing like a full-on cold.
hehehe out of the three people in the house, only one can breathe properly.
I'm still living in the afterglow of the Bowie/Moby concert, it was such a fantastic thing to get to go to.
Yesterday was weird, something was up with my skin or something and I just didn't feel right or comfortable all day, just off somehow, but it's much better now. I saw Ellan on Monday, and will see her again tomorrow, so that's good, she was out of town last week, and even though it seems ok it's always harder when she's gone. Actually, I think she's wonderful, she's my favorite of the therapists that I've had.
Last time we talked about a lot of things, and tried to figure out some of why things have been so impossible for me recently in life. It was complicated having to do with "the future" and "uncertainty" and "apprehension" and other big concepts like that. I don't know if I still agree with everything that I said, but whatever did come of it, it helps just to do the saying, and work through the talking.
I am in that happy space where music and mood are blending perfectly, and it just feels nice to write out to my audience of two people when they sorta maybe feel like reading this or are bored.
Oh yeah, so I'm listening to Black Love by the Afghan Whigs, and I've been doing lots of updating on my site or sites or whatever the hell you want to call it/them. I was listening to Debut by Bjork because I was writing the lyrics from that album in the page, but it wasn't that pleasent, so I switched. So there. ^_^
Anyhow, I'm feeling pretty good and well and everything right now, and I have packages to send to several very deserving young women. hehehehe
VelvetMoth

Sunday, August 11, 2002
10:32 am
VelvetMoth
Alright folks, I was at the bowie concert last night, so this is in honor of that, .... wow, and since I just wrote all about it to Aileen, I think I'll just paste the email I wrote her here ...

EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
*gasp* *fangirlscream* *feelsfaint* *thud*
*sigh*
OH MY GOD.
He is more wonderful in person. I went to the bowie concert last night, it was fantastic. Aileen, I got within, like, 20 feet of bowie. I could see him perfectly. Thery even had cameras on him and projection on a big screen so you could see even better, and it was fantastic.
Oh my god.
and he played great stuff... he played songs that were from the new album (heathen) and from really old stuff, he played ziggy stardust and china girl and let's dance and heros and fame and fashion and and and wow it was so so so fantastic!
the let's dance that he played omigod ... remember that great live version that we had that cut off so painfully? this one was better. (not just because i was there better, but actually better ...) and it was so so so fun~nky and cool, and the energy of the crowd was wonderful.
AND
guess what?
" Sitting here, wishing on a cement floor
Just wishing that I had just something you wore
I'd put it on when I go lonely
Will you take off your dress and send it to me?
I miss your kissing and I miss your head
And a letter in your writing doesn't mean you're not dead
Run outside in the desert heat
Make your dress all wet and send it to me
I miss your soup and I miss your bread
And a letter in your writing doesn't mean you're not dead
So spill your breakfast and drip your wine
Just wear that dress when you dine
Sitting here, wishing on a cement floor
Just wishing that I had just something you wore
Bloody your hands on a cactus tree
Wipe it on your dress and send it to me
Sitting here, wishing on a cement floor
Just wishing that I had just something you wore"

(here are the lyrics if you want them) anyhow ... I like the last verse (bloody your hands on a cactus tree, wipe them on your dress and send it to me)
*faintsagain*
it was so good, I wish you could have been there with me, it was just great.
I saw moby too, this was the area2 music festival, moby, david bowie, blue man group, (busta rhymes), and a "dance tent" for lots of techno that I didn't really go into.
moby was great too, and really funny, and his lights show was so good.
bowie's lights were more tame, but they fit with what he was doing so well, they were mostly purple with yellow trim (I sound so lame to say it that way) he had this big sign in lightbulbs above him that said BOWIE and he was wearing tight tight tight black pants and a white shirt with a tight black vest and a never-tied blue (you could tell it was silk) thin tie ... it was sort of waving around in the breeze, and his hair is pretty short, like temple length, it looked fantastic, it blew in his face a few times and he pantomimed cutting it off.
he was grinning like an idiot for the whole show, it's great how you can tell how happy it makes him to be on stage
eeeeek, and when he grabed his AREA and slowly rotated his hips the whole crowd gave a fangirl scream, it was so dirty, it was great. he laughed. he complimented this fantastic bookstore that's in denver, the tattered cover, which is wonderful, if you ever come here I'll have to take you there, it's 5 floors of a huge building filled with books, they have everything ever and all these different editions too, he said it was the best bookstore he'd seen in america. gay (is that her name, the beautiful black woman he plays with) was really cool too, and he's all sweet and affectionate with her. oh, and he comented that it was very dry ... I guess
oh god I wish you could have been here, you being there too is the only thing I can think of to have made it better. our seats were pretty good, we were towards the back of the closer half of the crowd. but we walked up the aisle and were standing pretty fucking close, about two thirds of the way into the closer half of the crowd and that was when he played cactus. But this seat nazi woman made us go back to our seats ... grrrrrrrrrrr bitch. but at least we were close for a while.
anyhow, it was fan-tastic. and I hope you don't mind me telling you all about it. love you babe, I'll write back to your other letters soon,
a.

so there you go, the bowie concert ...
VelvetMoth

Sunday, July 28, 2002
9:41 pm
VelvetMoth
Tonight I cooked dinner for myself and watched Monsters Ball which my parents rented the other day ... they went to a friend's house for dinner, and aren't back yet. The movie was very good, it was very real-seeming, and the score was very well fit to the mood of the film. I liked it, and it was a good movie for watching on a quiet evening in. (It was a night out! It was a day's inn!)
Last night Pat had a birthday party ... people played truth or dare, and he and I were dared to kiss twice. Oh god not more problems, no! I don't want to hurt him, he's a great guy, but I'm scared that might end up happening. I hope not ... but I couldn't even tell if I liked anyone now, and even if I did ... well I'm just not a good person for him especially to tie himself up with ... it seems that this can only end badly. And he's so ... inexperienced (not that this is a bad thing) but I'm scared that he's going to attach too much importance to me or something, and I don't really know what I can do to stop him from being hurt. Gawd.
Oh well, things will work out somehow, and all I can do is try to make it come out well ... it's no good use worrying about it.
I've been missing frineds today a lot ... Aileen, Beth, this means you ^_^
VelvetMoth

Saturday, July 27, 2002
1:26 am
VelvetMoth
Being sick sucks. In other news, the main page of the site is looking fantastic with the new layout that I made for it.
Today (by which I mean after I sleep and then wake up ... so today/tomorrow whatever you like to call it) I am going to a birthday party for Pat, which should be nice, though I don't have a present for him. I guess it doesn't matter too much because I still have all of tomorrow to find something, and I am making lemon bars, and mom gave him a shirt that he seems to like.
I think that it will be good to see some friends, including Pat, but I see so much of him that it will be good to get some other people in there as well. I don't remember his mom's name, I think it might be Bonnie, but I'm not sure, that always makes it awkward.
I have been feeling emotionally a bit better today, and motivated to get things done, but at the same time, I've also been feeling like being a bit of a loner, and I'm having some trouble knowing what to do with myself.
But in general, I really do think that I'm doing a bit better, and that this new medication is helping me out ^_^ and if any of my friends are reading this ... no there's nothing to worry about, promise.
VelvetMoth