Subject: Everything's falling apart...
Listening to: Evanescence feat. Paul McCoy--Bring Me to Life

Well. Everything's crumbling it seems. Things dropped from "somewhat okay" to "the shittest level you can hit face first, haha you stupid bitch". And I feel so bitter. So very bitter. It's lodged in the back of my throat, and I feel like I'm choking on it while it leaves this horrible taste in my mouth. I can't swallow it, but I can't spit it out either. I'll still taste it, I'll still remember it. It won't go away, that's for sure. Burned into my eyes, spinning around me...

Everyone's got problems. Everyone's feeling like shit. Everyone's got something bothering them. Everyone has some kind of internal problem that continues to fester nonstop, that has been there forever, and will never die. Maybe one or two on my blog links don't/aren't suffering from anything like that right now. Maybe. I don't know.

Y'know...I haven't talked to B-chan in a really long time. I hardly talk to Kaenix, AJ, and Dani. I'll stare at my buddy list, and wonder if I should say anything. But then I figure "we'll run out of things to say...or I won't get a response...or I'll wind up feeling stupid" or some other lame ass excuse. I've quit trying, especially when it concerns B-chan. I'll read her blog, and my heart'll break a little bit more, but I won't leave a comment, or IM her. We don't talk. Nothing I would do would make her feel better. I'd just "make her feel stupid" or she'd stop talking and leave me hanging. Or something would happen. Something always does.

I don't know what to say to them. Not anymore. I thought I did, but like my dad says: "That's what you get for thinking, Meme." *sigh* There's been a big thing between Dani and AJ. Everything's gone to Hell. Which has got Taku torn into pieces, especially concerning Dani. I had a whopping chat with her that was mostly her ranting, and carrying on like someone had shot her (Dani, that is)! ...but all I felt was a burning anger. I felt bitter, hurt, confused, useless, utterly useless, extremely useless, and even more angry. No no no, more like fucking pissed off. Add indifference to it too. So desperately indifferent. I want to slap Taku! I don't want to hug her or comfort her....I want to hurt her. I thought she was being stupid for going on like that, like it had been her goddamn fault. Then I want to strangle myself for feeling that way when all she was doing was being a friend. A good fucking friend. And here I am, bright green with envy. Because I'll never be that good of a friend, no matter what anybody says. And I was jealous that Taku cared so much. All I wanted to do was lash out...but that would make me an even shittier person than I already am.

I want to help. I want to do something. But they don't talk to me much, and I always have my foot in my mouth. I want to say something, but I can't get the words right. Or I'm too chicken or I've got my foot shoved up my ass. WHAT DO I DO?! What do I do...

Ha ha ha, you guys really CAN'T tell me, right? So it's like asking a mirror. Yeah. Something like that.

All of you who read this or put up with me, you guys need a fucking medal. I don't deserve any of you. I'm a self-centered bitch who's utterly useless. Really I am. Don't you dare try to argue with me about it.


usi caught mana @ 04:19 p.m. ::

Long time no entry!

Nothing has been happening. School is dragging itself out, I'm so ready to be done with it. @_@ Geometry reaaaally makes me mad, because we have a student teacher for the rest of the year, and she sucks. I don't like her. Gimme Mr. Kawamura anyday. And we're doing this job thing for Career Life and Planning. I didn't think that finding a job would be THAT difficult. Or that what I'm interested in is very limited. @_@ Yeah. I just kinda halfway sleep through everything else.

I've been feeling a lot better. School doesn't bug me anymore. It still feels a little weird, but not as much as it has. I'm comfortable, and somewhat happy. I even tried musubi. (Spam with rice wrapped in seaweed. It's not bad.) I'm really waiting for Mom to hurry up and start working so I can be paid. The faster I get money, the sooner I'll have a plane ticket to Florida. Shitsacola, here I come!!

Later today one of the parental units and me are going to Mililani to look at kitties. (Since my mom said she'd get me a cat for my 17th b-day...but we've decided to take advantage of a free cat ad in the paper.) So I may be coming home with a cat today! Maybe. Mom said if I didn't like any of the kitties the lady has then we can always find another. I like the idea of having a pet. It'll help ease my loneliness when I'm at home.

I was considering doing a solo for the Drama Club thing (yeah, I joined the Drama Club) but I decided not to. Too chicken. @_@;;; But yeah, I'm gonna be in a scene about pie. Yeah. It's pretty cute...I guess.

And some guy at school is gonna let me borrow his Nintendo and his copy of Final Fantasy. ^___^ Of course, I'll be laughing as I play it, since I can't think of FF without thinking of 8-Bit Theatre. XD

And I've got nothing else to say. Bye!


usi caught mana @ 03:23 p.m. ::

Stolen from Jimmy's lj.

[The story behind your LJ Pitas user name]: I made up the name Usilion in the 8th grade, and it's been my alias ever since.
[Jewelry worn daily]: Celtic (?) flower ring, Irish promise ring, watch, two black bracelets
[Glasses]: I wear them when I need them. Which is every day.
[Wishing]: I wish for a lot of things.
[Do you believe in soul mates]: Yep. I've got one.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: Ehh, why not?
[Do you believe in Heaven]: Yep. *waves to the angels*
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: Yes. Otherwise I would be dead.
[Do you believe in God]: NO.
[What is the latest you've ever stayed up]: more than 24 hours?

Have you ever....
{x} Made out with JUST a friend? ...yes. Which I regret.
{x} Been in love? I am in love. Very much. So very much.

Who was the last person...
{x} You kissed? @_@
{x} You laughed with? Taku

Have you/are you/do you....
{x} Considered being a pimp? me? ...no.
{x} Panic? Yep.
{x} Moody: Oh fuck yeah.
{x} Hard working: When I want to.
{x} Emotionally Stable: Nooo. ~_~
{x} Shy: Uh yeah. When I'm around people I don't know.
{x} Sad: Yeah.
{x} Happy: Yeah.

What's your favorite:
{x} Radio station? I donut listen to the radio. But I need to figure out which AM frequency that Japanese radio station is on.
{x} Place? my room

For or against
[x] long distance relationships = it depends. As of right now, yeah.
[x] suicide = ...I really dunno.
[x] teenage smoking = if you're that stupid, be my guest.
[x] premarital sex = I'd be a hypocrite if I said no. [x]Favorite thing to do = be with my loved ones.

have you...
[x] ever cried over a girl = Yep.
[x] ever cried over a guy = Yep.
[x] ever been in a fist fight = no.
[x] ever been arrested = No. what...
[x] shampoo do you use = whatever my mom buys?

Number:
[x] of times I have had my heart broken? = three or four.
[x] of boys I have kissed? = Jimmy.
[x] of boys you've made out with? = none, Jimmy wasn't THAT lucky. :P
[x] of girls I have kissed? = *whistles innocently*
[x] of boys I've slept with? = None.
[x] of continents I have lived in? = Two.
[x] of drugs taken illegally? = None. [x] of times my name has appeared in the media? = A couple?
[x] of scars on my body? = I dunno...but I have a scar through my left eyebrow.
usi caught mana @ 03:51 p.m. ::

You're Apollo. Easy going, laid-back, and friendly to everyone. Except those who would try to pull anything on those you care about, in which case you have no problems confronting them. You have a strong loyalty and 'Big Brother' attachment to those around you, and therefore do your best to help them in need. Schism quiz by Sol.
usi caught mana @ 03:46 p.m. ::

Murrgh...this is going to be an angsty post. So feel free to ignore it if you really don't give a flying fuck. Thank you, come again. Hopefully I'll have a post that's worthwhile--no wait, I never have anything worthwhile in this damn thing. I wonder why I keep it. Seriously, I do. God, I must be fucked up.

I thought things were getting better. I was starting to somewhat adjust to the fact that the school I now attend isn't Escambia, and that I still know absolutely no one other than the few I kinda befriended. I was starting to enjoy hanging out in front of the gym with them. Mom and Dad weren't aruging. I'm used to my new house.

The rug was pulled under my feet not that long ago. Hell, the night before last. Yeah. I did something I wasn't really supposed to, and I'm not going to get into details. I won't tell you unless you IM me and ask. Even then, I may not tell you. Depends on the person. Sorry. But basically, I fucked up. I really fucked up. Now I feel like shit at a new time low. And I'm going to stay like that for a while. When I feel guilty, some of you know that it doesn't go away for a while. This is going to be staying for a while...a LONG while. Even though things were straightened out...I still feel like someone should shoot me and end my pathetic, useless existance.

Then again, I've been noticing that I'm not being myself. I've been on a Sailor Moon streak the past week or so. I've looked at SeraMyu sites, downloaded mp3s, read translations, looked at pictures, and have a fanfic completely planned out in my head. And I swear if I don't have an opportunity to watch the S movie, I'm gonna pop. There's an mp3 from SeraMyu that I'm (still) wanting desperately that can't be found anywhere. Why? Why the sudden renewal of interest in Sailor Moon?? I don't know! It was completely random. Utterly. Okay, so maybe not as random as AJ's obsession with Spike, but you get the idea.

Then, yesterday, I saw the Cowboy Bebop movie in a theatre, and absolutely loved it. I wasn't forced to go. I went willingly. But I'm not a Cowboy Bebop fan. I could care less about it. Really.

Then, last night, I started reading fanfiction. I very very rarely read fanfiction. But yeah, I'm on chapter seven or eight of Atrops (or however the hell you spell it) and I wanna read more. Lots more.

I've also managed to like Dir en Grey somewhat. I've got tons of their mp3s, and noted that Psycho, Embryo and Child Prey are some of my favorites. I'm not a Dir en Grey fan. I'm liking things that I had lost interest in and/or never liked!

I was...actually feeling pretty good before I went and ruined it for myself. I should've listened to the signs. God I feel so shitty.

I've stop exercizing, and I've probably ate more than I should in the past few days. I don't want to gain any weight, damnit, but I don't have the heart to get off my lazy ass. I don't care anymore, and I want some chocolate. I feel numb and overwhelmingly guiltly. Very angsty. If someone burst into my house and point a gun at me, I probably wouldn't do anything. Things seems to pass around me. I feel out of touch with everything, and like nothing I would do would affect them. I feel out of place. I miss my old life. It's like...I've shed a skin. My old shell is gone, and I feel naked. I don't like the new me. I want things to be normal again. I want to go back to Pensacola. Earlier this week I thought that Hawaii might not be so bad, but now I'm convinced Hawaii is nothing but Hell on Earth. Someone get me a ticket to Florida, now. Please. I'll do anything.

So yeah, I feel that life's a living Hell. Everything sucks. I also feel bad for complaining and wishing for things that I can't have. But yeah, I need to rant. Are you convinced I'm just as pathetic as I sound? Really, my dear readers, can you give me a good point as why I should continue on? I have no idea what the hell I want to be. All I know is that I want to major in Japanese and write a book. What kind of future am I going to have?! I don't feel very motivated...and not very confident. I'm also convinced that my parents don't give two-tenths of a metric fuck about me. I feel so...so...useless. Completely unimportant. I can't remember the last time I felt loved by them. *sigh*

Seems the shittyness has spread to everyone. Yeah, let it be known that everything just sucks big hairy Tamahome balls. Wazaa.

Layout plug for Kala. Tsuzuki and green go well together. Gotta love it.

Nextgen got a new location, buttttt I'm not gonna change the link. I will if she says it's okay. (Since she had it changed for stalker reasons and whatnot.)

I'm trying to make a new layout for Chaotic Dreaming (again) but Image Ready really fucking hates me. Or I'm just fucking everything up, but that's nothing new! Ha ha ha.

I've still got Dragonfly and Kurenai to finish. I've got three fanfics that aren't done and probably never will be, and I'm about to start another one. I really don't know why, my writing seriously blows. I mean, no one reads it, and I don't get comments. So what the hell.

I was cosidering moving my art from mediaminer to deviation or whatever, but seeing as mediaminer refuses to load any of my images, and I realized that everything I put up there is crap...it's okay! Who really wants to stare at that shit.

If I had anything else to say, I forgot it. Oh well. No biggie. I'm gonna go try to see if I can get my Chaotic Dreaming layout to work...even though it looks like something that came out of a dog's ass. Later.


usi caught mana @ 11:37 a.m. ::

MWAHAHAHA. Yes! Everyone must read Saturnalia!! Otherwise Nine'll whip you!! XD XD

Which Saturnalia Character are you?

XD XD My brother just shaved his legs!! Oh god it's so funny...
usi caught mana @ 12:03 a.m. ::

Oh...oh my god. Oh my fucking god...why? WHY?!

Oh god Lorien...I'm so scared. I can't stop crying...please get better soon...oh god, I should've tried harder, I was always such a crappy friend, and now look what's happened. You don't deserve it, damnit!! You never did anything to hurt anyone...and you're the one in the hospital...

Oh god I wish there was something I could do...

Happy April Fools. Thanks Lorien.

[Edit: *kicks Lorien's ass so she DOES wind up going to the hospital* GRRRRRRRRRR!]


usi caught mana @ 02:12 p.m. ::

Oh, I think I'm gonna shit myself. I've never been in love with a program before. But now I am. Oh, am I in love...in sweet, sweet love.

ImageReady 7.0 is so fucking cool. I'm so glad Kala made me go install it. I can splice! I can do rollovers! I can make l337 layouts without a background now! Yes! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oooh, I'm so in the mood to make a new layout for something. I choose...chaotic dreaming! I hate using other people's layouts anyways. Baiiiiii!
usi caught mana @ 05:32 p.m. ::

Ahh...

There's nothing like waking up at 2 a.m. for no reason at all, getting up, taking a long piss, and then settle with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream to eat while you read your daily webcomics.

This is the good life.

usi caught mana @ 01:52 a.m. ::

I really really really need to stop staying up all fucking night. Ugh.

So yeah, what have I been doing? Reading Demonology 101, making wallpapers, and I found out how to make Photoshop brushes! Yep, nothing like a brush of Toshiya's face or Alucard covered in blood...

Okay, it's time to sleep now. @_@


usi caught mana @ 04:46 a.m. ::

Ugh...nevermind. I'm ditching the comment system. I'll get a guestbook instead.

*glomps Kala* You really really didn't have to do that. @_@ Thanks a bunch though. *kicks enetation, the whore*
usi caught mana @ 09:25 p.m. ::

Wee! That took almost no time at all!

"Why the move, Usi?" you ask.

1) There aren't many tags (like...not even ten) to manipulate. It makes it easier to figure out just what the hell you're doing.
2) NO FUCKING BANNER. Nuff said.
3) It's just...easier. o.O

Okay...here's what sucks about it.

1) You have to use break tags, otherwise everything'll be one huge paragraph.
2) I have to manually edit my comment script because pitas doesn't do the auto thing like blogger does. That's gonna be a really big pain in the ass.

But yeah, I promise there will be NO more moves...unless I get my own domain, but that'll be a PERMANENT move. :p But yeah, dance! My layout isn't fucked up anymore, yay!


usi caught mana @ 09:13 p.m. ::