----------------------march 22, 2004-----------------------
[12:57am] arg....i really have nothing to write about right now since i have to sleep soon. but i have to post some links for my comm tech class. [
link1] [
link2] [
link3]. oh ya!! i made a livejournal account...[
livejournal]. also, i think i figured out some lyrics. like in the song [true heart]...in the background they were always saying something...and in every lyrics i've looked in, i can never find this, but now i finally heard what they were saying. i think it's like "used to be, used to be so strong, had it all but now you're gone...carry on you must be so, knowing i just had to go". argg well i have to sleep now.
[8:01pm] ack....what a big headache > <....at lunch and in japanese i was almost about to faint. i don't know why...i just kept getting dizzy...so that's why when i went home, i slept right away. but my mom made me get the mail twice...and then once in my pyjamas so i was so cold!! > <...but then i finally slept =) and woke up at 6:30...cuz of a bad dream. my dream...i don't really remember what it was...but i was on my ex bestfriend's computer...and then somehow...i opened the chat logs between her and some ppl on msn and then i was so devastated...cuz...she was so nice to them...and like..even now, we don't talk. haha so i woke up...but then for some reason...i'm not depressed anymore....like i don't feel depressed at all.
as of now, i have like no problems at all...and i don't want ANYTHING to change...for the good or for the worse. like...i think i know one reason that i'm not depressed anymore...except it might seem kind of weird. on feb 26...the day of the japanese groups thing...mike lee gave me starburst candy but i just left it in my pencil case and i didn't eat it. and then today, i finally ate it. haha...it was green apple flavor lmao. but like...maybe that's the reason why i kept having dreams about japanese class. i think cuz i didn't eat the candy yet...haha ok this sounds really stupid. the day before yesterday, when i wrote that whole paragraph about what happened that day...what i WISHED would happen...that stuff...i realized later when olivia told me that she had a dream about that. it was scary because it was almost accurate...but with a few differences. and then...on feb 26...she didn't even write down what happened in her journal > <...it was the single most controversial event that ever happened in japanese!!! to this day, i still wonder what could've happened that day if i made a different decision...if i just ACCEPTED what was gonna happen...whether it be good or bad. cuz...the decision i made, there was really nothing that could happen...the situation could not get worse or better. *shrugs* maybe...we could've been friends...maybe not...but i think i agree with olivia said...she said it was probably too early for us to settle things...but the most important thing is, we would have a conversation in person...something we had not done in a very long time. arggg...i really want to talk to her...that's what i wanted to do the WHOLE day. but like...olivia says if i cave...she and carrie will kick my ass > < oh no!! hahaha like they CAN > < i dun think they will. friends have to let friends be happy...even if it means possibly being even MORE depressed. haha i don't know...i always want to take the risk for some reason...of course i remember all the stuff she did in the past...how she made me depressed for all this time...but i am willing to put the past behind me if it means being friends with her again. we even agreed to start over...isn't that always for the best? i dunno...people make it seem like she was the one that was always wrong. but that's not true at all...i was wrong too...in fact..we were like equal!!...even though in some situations it doesn't seem so. i caused her emotional scars...i know that for sure...=(...but she caused me some too. some things, i know, i shouldn't have said...because after all, she WAS my bestfriend...i could've been nicer to her. like i know i said some mean things...but i had my reasons. it was because...i had like nothing else to say to her...and also...it was just funny to see her angry at me...but i think that she might've took some of those things seriously.
so anyways, today, all i wanted was to talk to her. k...during the march break, i had settled things with her...but then we didn't talk for like a week. i didn't know if i should say hi to her at school or not...because i was too shy. anyways yesterday, as i was talking to "carrie" i got pissed off because that person kept dissing me...so fucking rascist too!!! so i just swore at that person and blocked them. then i changed my nn to like "i want to bitch at that person but wt if it's my friend?" haha....cuz i didn't know if it was carrie or not...and i didn't wanna get into a fight with her. so then...my ex bestfriend msged me...and she thought i wanted to bitch at her...but i really didn't. so i explained it to her and everything and we just started talking. some of the stuff she said....was so random...it wasn't even funny. it was like totally off topic but she wouldn't admit it. anywayss we talked...so then yesterday...i kept thinking...if i should say hi to her tomorrow. i want her to know that i really want to be her bestfriend again...but i know that it's not possible. so anyways, at school today, like before english started and after english ended, i wanted so badly to talk to her...but like....timing was so off > < we weren't in the same place at the same time. and...i was still shy. so...today, after math class, after i talked to nichole for a while, i walked down the stairs and then i saw her...so i waved to her. o goshhh...i should've acted more calm...because i was overly happy about it. but that's how i felt and i can't hide it. i remember even during math class, i was writing a note to olivia and i was writing about how i really wanted to talk to her. math is boring...i admit that...there's like NOTHING to do in math...the student teacher can't teach > < omg it's not even funny...so then i was trying to write the note but try to hide it at the same time. it was hard > <. after my comm tech class though, i saw her again and she just smiled at me loll. thenn i went to kathleen and she said "moon face just walked by" LMAO. so mean man...so mean.
during comm tech...haha so fun. alice and coly came into our class because they have the first half of the period off cuz of band. coly kept saying it was her birthday -____- and she even built a kinder surprise toy lmao. then...alice and pauline were like on friendster haha...so funny to see them...alice kept making these weird testimonials in her account and pauline was trying to stop her. lmao...=), so then...after alice and coly left, cindy started using friendster. lmao...she spent the whole time replying e-mails and looking for lang jai on friendster =P. lmao...i think that's ALL she does on friendster...but how she replies people is really weird because she adds alot of exclamation points. i left the class for a while to see my friends though. i talked to nancy. she asked me if i would hang out with her if she had 4th period lunch. i don't know...cuz like...i don't know if my friends will get along with her and then i don't know if i'll be able to hang out with her like JUST myself. but if she did, i promised that i would keep her company...o gosh i don't know how far that promise could go. but like...she told me already...that she wasn't gonna have 4th period lunch now...cuz instead of having the new math class 3rd period, they are just gonna make it 4th period =). yayy...haha i guess it's a good thing...i don't want any problems to happen. when i came back to class, cindy was still there. she was so sleepy but she told pauline and i what happened to her saturday morning...haha it was so funny. at 7:35AM..yes she remembered the exact minute, she got woken up by a phone call. the guy was like "GUESS WHO GUESS WHO GUESS WHO?!" and then he was so energetic too haha. so then she didn't know and she kind of hung up and went back to sleep. an hour later, when she just fell asleep again, the guy called again and did the same thing. cindy already knew who he was though...and then the guy was like "YA i'M DICKSON!!!" hahaha so funny. and then he was like "do u want to eat breakfast??" lmao cindy got pissed...and yelled at him saying "what kind of person eats breakfast this early??" haha. and then she got woken up by her mom later. poor cindy mann > <. hmm what else did i do? uhh well...nothing really...we just kept talking lol...cindy said that she wouldn't get a belly-button ring because she's fat...but then...i don't think she is =P lmao.
anywayss at lunch in the caf was funny =)...cuz like...olivia told me about the mr hilmer thing. he walked into a pole that was exactly the level of his crotch...LMAO so funny!!! and then...he was on a teeter-totter with the other french teacher...and then she pressed down, thinking that he would fly up...but he didn't...he fell FORWARD!! lmao...so classic =). i don't really remember the other stuff that happened though. but when kathleen came by, she was asking carrie about that thing yesterday. i'm glad that the person WASN'T carrie though...because my impression of carrie would change so much. i was so pissed off yesterday...i wanted to swear at that person. kathleen was pissed off too and so was alice =P.
sooo anywayss....arggg so much stuff happened to me today. it was the PERFECT DAY!! k right at the moment that olivia called me, lily messaged me on msn. it's funny because...1. this is the first time i mentioned her name in my blog 2. it was at the exact same moment the phone rang. anywayss..i got the phone and then started talking to olivia...all the while i was staring at that blinking msn window. i asked olivia about what to do, but then olivia said to just ignore the message...but then since this was such a good day already, i said "i want to play" and so...i asked her how i should reply to each message. yes...i had promised nancy that i would make my own decisions from now on, and i did. i decided i don't care what happens and so, it doesn't really matter how this situation turns out. haha anywayss i'll post the conversation here...it's SOOO fucking hilarious!! haha i'm so mean...as i was talking to her...i think that i've changed...i really think i have...cuz...of depression...i will do ANYTHING...resort to ANY means to not be depressed again...and now i'm not anymore, but i hope it stays this way. personally, i don't like lily...i have my reasons, i really do...and if she truly wanted to be my friend again, then she'd realize what went wrong in our friendship. i don't think i should tell her. arggg i dun feel like explaining it all right now but there ARE reasons. i think she took everything i said seriously though. who cares > < what is she gonna do...cry?? or murder me? lmao sure. i sent alice, kathleen and jaclyn the conversation. lmao...i respect her privacy...i really do...i wouldn't post it here but i dun think there's anything in that conversation that's really private...so if she really wants me to take it down then she can just tell me herself. it's funny cuz everything in that conversation sounds so planned out but it really isn't...i think she was serious about what she was saying...but me and olivia were just trying to piss her off =P. o well...hope what happens at school tomorrow.
-----------------------------------------------------------
CONVERSATION - MARCH 22, 2004
[08:58:51 PM] elfish_faeri: Amanda....you don't happen to still be mad at me do you?
[09:01:55 PM] elfish_faeri: okay...ya, well i'd jus like to say that whatever it is that I did that offended you, I'd jus like to say I'm sorrie....and I'd like to please know why you're mad at me...because then i'd at least have
the justice of knowing what I did wrong...so perhaps i can find a way to right whatever wrong it is that I did....
[09:05:45 PM] ? COWIE ? ??: i don't ever want to talk to you
[09:06:03 PM] - L i L y -: okay...that's a liable reply...buh why?
[09:06:10 PM] - L i L y -: I jus want to know why?
[09:06:50 PM] ? COWIE ? ??: too many questions....y dun u go ask an 8-ball? goodbye
[09:07:16 PM] - L i L y -: one litto question...will it really hurt you that much to answer?
[09:07:26 PM] - L i L y -: it's proly hurting me more that you're not answering....
[09:07:31 PM] - L i L y -: please amanda...
[09:07:38 PM] - L i L y -: i'd jus like to know....
[09:08:05 PM] - L i L y -: is there a way to redeem myself in your eyes? because I can't stand being hated like this so much
[09:08:10 PM] ? COWIE ? ??: the first problem is asking too many questions
[09:08:32 PM] - L i L y -: please, then one simple question
then....why are you mad at me?
[09:09:10 PM] ? COWIE ? ??: ...not another questions...i hate questions...
[09:09:26 PM] - L i L y -: LoL...that was the original question though
[09:10:00 PM] ? COWIE ? ??: and my original answer was to go ask an 8 ball
----------------------march 20, 2004-----------------------
[1:46am] mannn i just came home from watching [dawn of the dead]. shittt...getting in that movie was horrible. ok at silvercity richmond hill, the movie started at 10:30. when we got there, it was 10:07, so then my bro wanted to go to the colossus theatre in brampton for some reason. so then we drove there. when we got there, we realized that [dawn of the dead] wasn't playing at that theatre and so, we went back to silvercity richmond hill. o shitt...we ran in...and then....the movie was sold out > <. o goshh...at that time it was like 10:40 and we had 10 minutes to get from THERE to STC. when we got to STC...we bought the last 2 tickets and then it was sold out. shittt that was alot of running > < i'm exhausted now.
the movie was pretty good. ahhh so cool!!! so gory lol...goshh it disturbed me in some parts though. there wasn't much of a storyline too. the main character is this nurse...then one morning she wakes up and she sees this little girl outside her bedroom. the little girl bites her husband and then the nurse kicks the girl into the hall and then locks the door. she tries to help her husband with the bite....but then soon he turned into a zombie too. she climbed out of the window of her bathroom into the street and then drove away in her car. in the neighborhood...omg everyone was either a zombie....or someone who was about to be killed by a zombie. in the car...people keep asking her for help so while trying to avoid them, she drives off the highway and then she crashes into a tree. thenn she wakes up and meets all these people and they decide to hide in the shopping mall...since there were no zombies there. argg i dun wanna explain anymore. but the story is quite good...at least i think so. they didn't really explain how everyone got infected though...just...they did lol. the stupidest scene was when they were in the van. this guy turned on the chainsaw and the van tipped and so he ended up chopping this girl in half. but what was weird was that when the girl was being cut in half...she seemed more scared than horrified. so stupid > <. hahaha after i watch all these gory/scary movies i really have no effect on them lol. i was scared in some parts though...but i dun think i'm gonna lose sleep cuz of it. in the end...they got to this island, thinking that there are no zombies there...but they end up all dying because there are. and then there was this one scene....where this guy's pregnant wife was giving birth. the bad thing was that the wife was already bitten so she turned into a zombie already. but he still wanted her to give birth to the baby. when the baby came out...i at first thought it was dead already...but it was a zombie baby. lmao...so gross > <. lmao....i dun think....i'm scared of these movies anymore. i watch these movies because i'm depressed so maybe...if i'm NOT depressed...i will actually see how scary it is lol...but i doubt that will happen. it's like "*shrug* that person got chopped in half. so?" hahaha.
olivia O-LA is weird. she counted how many times i mentioned her name in my blog. 32 times!!! haha....well that's SO LITTLE!!! cuz i mention other people's names quite alot...just that....olivia is SO HARD to type lol...takes me so long to type it each time. and with every entry being lik 2000-2500 words...i can't waste that much time typing "olivia" lol...but when i really have to mention her...i DO!!!
so then...today on the phone...i wasn't able to explain to olivia about the enemy/friend thing. k...i think i can explain it better if i type it. hmmmm.....first think about someone who hates you alot and you hate them back just as much. like....you'd think that it's never ever possible that u guys will ever be friends...but it IS possible. even though it may seem that you and that person are so different from each other but it's not true. an enemy is a person that understands you very well and has alot in common with you...whether it is obvious or not it's still true that you know that person just as well too. if you know exactly how a person thinks, what pisses them off, and what type of personality they have...you have to decide if you want to use that knowledge in a good way or a bad way. that is what separates friends and enemies. as enemies...you would want to use your knowledge of the other person to hurt them. as friends...you would want to use that knowledge to uhh....help them with problems and stuff. so...it is very possible for your worst enemies to become ur closest friends. it just depends on what your impression of them is. of course as enemies you think that you can't stand that person and you hate their guts enough to say that you will never be friends with them...but then things happen *shrugs*. i am not saying that every one of ur enemies can be ur close friend...it depends on the circumstances. haha this is just my theory...but i think that enemies become friends when they find something that they have in common with each other or they just develop a mutual understanding and respect for each other. for example...i know that olivia hates my ex bestfriend very very much...but after that dream last night...i wonder if they will ever be friends. but olivia wouldn't believe me. like right now, i know that if given the chance..olivia would probably push her off a cliff...but one day...if they happen to become friends, i wouldn't be surprised at all. hahaha okk i want to put an example but i can't think of a better one right now so i will use one that actually happened before. say...one day the teacher makes a seating plan and olivia and my ex bestfriend end up sitting beside each other. honesty i would not be surprised because their last names are so close to each other. anyways...say that happens...so they would eventually have to talk. i know that feeling. like...at first they would just pretend to be nice to each other a shitt but inside they hate each other so much. i don't think anyone (at least no one i know of) is bitchy enough to SHOW that they hate someone. even if u two were enemies u wouldn't act like that right in front of each other cuz...i dun think that ppl could be that immature. so...if u guys start talking, you will realize that ur "enemy" has something in common with u...or u 2 share a similar opinion on something. as you 2 talk more...u guys will become better and better friends muahahahaha..and that is how enemies can become ur close friends. so...oliviaa might not know it but it's very possible for her to become friends with my ex bestfriend. k i know as a fact that if olivia and my ex bestfriend were on opposing debating teams...they would debate for hours...because they know each other that well to counter every statement that they make. *yawn* i'm tired. but i know olivia would not wanna be her friend but if it happens...i will be like "i told u so!!" so...as enemies...u probably couldn't stand being near them...but if u actually try being friends with them...u may realize soon enough that u guys CLICK. hahaha...i love that word. so...O-LA...u might think that my ex bestfriend is a b!tch (i dun blame u) but...like...if one day u are friends with her...all that stuff u had against her in the past...ur just gonna forget about all that. u know that amy thing i told you about? i was so pissed off about that last year...cuz U said it...even tho u dun remember lol. u weren't my enemy...i just never expected us to be friends. so whatever i had against u in the past (if i ever did)...well all that is forgotten now. arggg dun wanna explain any more.
oh ya...about my dream. olivia, me, and my ex bestfriend were all in the same comm tech class. the teacher made me go into another room with her and settle our problems. we talked...and i guess...we agreed on something...but i dun remember what it was. then when i got back to the class, she was sitting beside olivia. the teacher was teaching us something and the lights were off except for the overhead light at the front...but that's it. so all of us were just talking instead of listening to the teacher. i started telling olivia about the phil thing...and then since SHE was there...i didn't wanna talk...and so i pulled olivia aside...but she was still there. so i finally just told them both what happened and my ex bestfriend was so surprised. then...she was still sitting across olivia, who was across from me. olivia didn't care that she was beside her. she even told me..."just be her friend" and "what do u have against her?" and i was pissed...i was lik "what is wrong with
YOU??" haha...i dunno if it will ever happen in reality but that really scared me > <.
\listening to: lala love song (boa ft. soul'd out)
[6:53pm] arggg i feel so hungover today. such a big headache. i had to do math journal but that took me so much energy. i procrastinate so much....but finally i did it and it gave me a bigger headache. anywayss i had such a good day today....even though i didn't get to go out...except for just now...but it was only for half an hour. my mom was bitching at me about my money problems and then...just now i feel better because my mom says she feels sorry for me because my brother always "tricks" me for my money. i dunno....i dun wanna think about it. i dun wanna be on anyone's side..i'm just neutral. besides, it's not the biggest of my problems. goshhh it's hard to type right now because i have a really big headache.
anyways....i told olivia about how i always have dreams about japanese class...and she's always in it and my ex bestfriend is always in it. well...i think i know the reason to that. even though i don't think about it, i think it still bothers me. what happened that day...on february 26. i think the decision i made that day affected everything that is going on these days. if only....i had made a different choice...would i be better off today or not? haha i still remember exactly what i was thinking about on that day...and in my entry before...i only wrote about what happened...and not what i was thinking. that day, when my teacher was numbering off the people for the groups, i was secretly hoping that i would be in the same group as my ex bestfriend. i think...there were 8 groups. i got number 3. olivia got number 4...i think. so then...when the numbering went to my ex bestfriend...she got number 3 too > <. even tho i wanted it to happen i was still quite shocked. so then...the numbering went to um-um...and he also got number 3. at this moment, i knew exactly what olivia was gonna do. she wanted to switch numbers with me and so i let her. the ONLY ONLY reason i did that was because i wanted olivia to be happy. it wasn't as if i wanted to avoid my ex bestfriend or something...although it might've seemed like it. in fact...i really wanted to be in the same group as her. i thought...that if i was in the same group with her...she HAS to talk to me...no matter what. she avoided me all this time...so if i was in her group..that would at least cause some communication between us...but that's what i thought. ok....so i really regretted it at first...cuz i was in the same group as kelvin kwok and jacky. and now that i think about it...they WERE spying on me. stupid mofo's > <. k...i tried to make a conversation between me and them and then after i just gave up. they were both so fucking cold to me > <...i'm not being paranoid...but i knew exactly what he was thinking...and even if he didn't say it i knew that he meant it. he was thinking that i did all that just because i didn't want to talk to her. he was scoffing man...stupid motherfucker!!!!! i hate arrogant mofo's....especially them. they were asking me for the questions even tho they didn't even think of any themselves.
so i really wonder...would i be better off if i had NOT switched on that day? i had fun tho...after all...cuz mike lee was in my group so i got to talk to them instead of those fucking traitors > <. o well...i always hated kelvin kwok (from UPS) anyways...so i dun care. and i think jacky was so bitchy to me because the day before was the vow thing. k...it started as an msn conversation. i was talking to both him and olivia at the same time. jacky pissed me off. he was saying like "u should be happy for her"...wtf....no man...i lost my bestfriend > <. so then...olivia asked me to add her into the conversation between me and jacky but i said no...because we were arguing. but i think i should've...because she would've yelled at him for me. goshhh he pissed me off so much in that conversation. i'm gonna post it in my deadjournal. if u really wanna see it...go here [
link]. anyways...after that class, i was kinda happy that i made that decision. that was because...i made a new friend that day^^ but i always think..."what it could've been". olivia HATED being in her group. but she got to sit beside her haha. all that stuff she told me....i think if i heard that stuff personally...i would cry > <...so i guess it's better this way. everything she says is everything i don't want to hear and what i don't want to know. but it's really hard to tell. like...what if we never switched groups? if i sat beside her...WE would be talking...and she wouldn't be telling all her friends about that "stuff". but it's hard to tell...what we would be talking about IF we talked. maybe...we would've had this nice conversation and then that would lead to us being friends again. i don't know...and i didn't want to take that risk. what if it was the total opposite...what if what i heard made me more depressed today than i am right now. nothing bad happened that day so i should be happy. if i was in my original group...who knows what would happen. but if we DID talk...that would be the first time we talked in person for a very very long time. i want to think that...we could've settled our differences that day and became bestfriends that day...but what if that didn't happen? what if it got worse? > < i don't know. i am not THAT depressed now...because i realized...that what i don't know and what i don't remember can't hurt me. if i dun see her nn on msn...if i don't talk to her on msn..then i won't be sad. but...ultimately...i DO want to be her friend. i know this all is a simple problem with a simple solution...but my thinking makes it seem very complicated. the only thing i want....is to be her friend again. no matter how much i say i want to forget her and stuff...that is just to hide how i really feel. i don't want to cave...i just want things to go back to normal between us. the reason why i can't let go of the past...and the reason why i can't forget about her is because...i was too emotionally attached to her. it's nothing about her being a good bestfriend or whatever. i've had good memories with just about every one of my friends...but my memories with her...it just stays in my mind...and that's why i always reminisce. it's not like i can't find another bestfriend...it's just that i'm too afraid to. i can't let go of the past. i don't know how to move on. i know that i have alot of bestfriends right now...but i am just too depressed to call them that...i'm too depressed to consider them as my "new bestfriend" or whatever. i try to treat them like one...but just calling them a bestfriend...i just...can't. it's not that they're not good friends or whatever...i am just not as emotionally attached to them as i was with my ex bestfriend. not that she is special or something...but...the fact that i can't forget about her prevents me from being emotionally attached to anyone else. i wish i could tho...cuz...like...sometimes i talk to my friend nancy and i tell her..."i want a new bestfriend"...then she says "but i AM ur bestfriend"...and i say "yaa"...but in truth, i am really unsure. i don't know if i SHOULD call her my bestfriend or not. i'm not one of those people that move on very quickly. before...i remember i always told her that she was my only bestfriend and will always be...but now those words haunt me. argg i dun wanna type anymore.
\\listening to: twinkle twinkle little star (kai)
----------------------march 18, 2004-----------------------
[1:27am] o goshhh i had no time to write in my blog today. so much shitt to do > <. anyways, march 17 was st. patrick's day!!! i'm not irish but then....i still like that day. i wish i was old enough to go out drinking and stuff hahaha cuz after all, it WAS st patrick's day. i didn't realize until like the end of the day, when my dad was watching the news and then he says "oh it's st patrick's day isn't it??" and i said "omfg really? i forgot > <". so yaaa if i knew i still dun think i would've done anything. it's too cold outside > <. i remember last year...it was also very cold outside lol. but like....i still went outside with my friends. goshhh my friends are so lazy now...they do like nothing lol....or else they're always busy > <.
sooo today i really did nothing. i talked for lik 4 hours today on the phone. 2 hours with nancy and then 2 hours with olivia. arggg talking with nancy on the phone bothered me...because her dad was vacuuming and then i could barely hear what she was saying. we talk about EVERYTHING. i told her that i would forget about my ex bestfriend. i know....everytime i talk to ANYONE...i always say that. i always say that i'll forget about her...i always say that i'm gonna stop thinking about her...but do i ever? > < hardly....i wish i could. it's not that easy as it sounds. most of my friends don't understand how much it hurts to lose a bestfriend...but they have similar situations. they dun really understand why i'm still sad...since it's happened so long ago. i dun wanna let my friends down or anything....because...i really appreciate them spending all their time cheering me up and stuff. because of just losing ONE bestfriend...i have changed so much. i've met alot of new friends and i'm closer with the friends that i had before. if they spent all this time cheering me up and making sure that i'm ok....then....the last thing i wanna do is be bestfriends with her again. with all the advice they've given me...i have more confidence in what i'm doing...because if i know that my friends are gonna back me up....there's really alot i can do. if i go back to her...there's no telling what's gonna happen next. we might get into fights again...then like...i will bitch to my friends about my problems again..and then they'll be like "i told you so" or something. this happened so many times before. i never quite understood this before, but whenever i was actually friends with her, all my other friends were against it. i realize now that it's because they were afraid. they were afraid that i'll get hurt again. and then they dun think that it's right for me to always keep being friends with her...despite all that she's done. like they dun want me to be so forgiving and nice because if i'm nice...i'm vulnerable to all these harms > <. even tho i seem happy at first, there's always something that goes wrong. i dun want them to think that they're my backup friends or something and whenever i have a problem i just go back to them. at one point, my bestfriend WAS way more important than my other friends...but i realized...that i wasn't that important to her and so, i shouldn't waste my time. at one time, i refused to be close to any of my other friends...but then now i'm different. i dun care anymore. i know...that all my friends want is for me to be happy. some of them just tell me to stop being friends with her. others just tell me that no matter what decision i make, they will support me. well...it depends on if they hate my ex bestfriend or not. i know very well that most of my friends hate her. but...if they tell me to stop being friends with her...the reason is not because she is a b!tch...but because being her friend is making me unhappy. sometimes i listen to my friends...sometimes i don't. it's because they give such bad advice sometimes. i think that if it were up to them completely, they would just swear at her.
the worst thing i can do right now is cave...which means to just give in. i cannot be nice to her again. i cannot talk to her again myself. she has to talk to me. she has to be nice to me first. i wanna prove to her that i can live without her. i wanna prove that i can live without her as my bestfriend. i want her to think that i've forgotten about her. i cannot cave because...i want her to actually cherish the friendship that we had. in other words...if she really wanted to be friends with me, she would just message me first...because i'm not messaging her first anymore. i've done that before...and she didn't want to talk to me. i dunno if i WILL talk to her if she messages me. i want her to regret doing all that mean stuff to me. i want her to realize that it's HER loss for losing a bestfriend like me. actually....i dun really want to care anymore. i dun wanna think about it. i'm not gonna let someone like her make me unhappy. and...i am not taking the risk by talking to her. i'm happy right now...so nothing has to change. from now on, i'm not gonna think about being friends with her again...because obviously she doesn't want to. i can't convince her something that she doesn't even believe. if she wants to be friends again...she will find some way to. like...if it was meant to be...then it'll happen. that's what nancy told me. if it is meant to happen, i shouldn't wait for it. maybe we'll be friends in the future...but just not now...maybe not...but either way, i should just enjoy life and spend it waiting. i know....that for my ex bestfriend...i would wait my whole life if i have to....if i am confident enough that something will happen. but...in this situation...i dun think anything will happen. i think it's all over between us.
i also talked to olivia for 2 hours. she called me like 5 minutes after i fell asleep. sooo tired....i didn't really want to talk...but i managed to think of some things to talk to. then after that...i watched south park. ahhhh season 8 premier!!! the episode was so good lol. cartman, kyle, stan, and kenny all got weapons and then they became ninjas. they were fighting butters and then kenny accidentally threw his weapon into his eye. lmao such a good episode =).
\listening to: lala love song (boa ft. soul'd out)
[1:32am] todayy was so fun...even tho i'm so tired. i woke up at 8:30am today. ahhhh so sad...i was so tired > <. today i was supposed to meet winnie at markville mall and then when i left the house i was supposed to tell her. sooo ya after i ate breakfast i went to markville mall. when i walked in, everything was closed. i never went to the mall this early before...well...once....*sigh* but that's the past. goshhh but everything i did...reminded me of that day. i really want to go back to that day...more than anything else. i remember it was the last day we hung out together as bestfriends. it was the happiest day of my life...but i didn't expect the events after. anyways....i waited half an hour and then i saw winnie. we took the bus to pmall. o goshh...we had to pay twice. once to go to steeles and then another just to go on steeles to pmall > <. soooo for more than an hour...winnie and i just wandered around pmall looking for that "justins" store to do her ear piercing. every store in pmall was closed > <. i was so pissed off....and then we were still wandering around. winnie and i went to like every store and every store was closed...but we could still look at the bracelets and other jewelery in the store. then we went to orbit. lmao...we played jitz. lmao...i beat her the first time but then the second time, she beat me...i got like 1 point lol. she made me play DDR but then i only played the easy stages because i didn't want to embarrass myself haha. after that, we kinda ran out of things to do. thenn.....we asked someone for the time and they said it was 12:30. soooo....winnie called phil and then i called my mom. my mom wanted me to call her every 3 hours to say that i'm ok -____-. anywaysss....winnie called phil because we were supposed to meet him at mix2. at first...ya i was hesitant. i mean...who wouldn't be?!?! he's my ex bf > <....and we haven't exactly talked in person since we broke up. so...when winnie asked me to go get piercings with her...she said that phil wanted to see me. arggg i really didn't know. but then....it's probably the only time in my life i was ever gonna see him again. haha winnie was making fun of me in pmall because i really wanted to go to mix2. it's not that i wanted to see phil...it's just that...everything was closed in pmall. i never knew that mix2 had pool tables. when u walk in the door...there's 2 sides. one is for karaoke and then the other is for pool. omgg so nice > <...the pool tables lol. and it was almost empty too. soo then phil wasn't there yet so winnie and i just waited there. so thennn we saw this guy walk in and then at first i just ignored him. then winnie was lik "that's phil!!!" and i was lik "wtf...phil? really??". he looks alot different than i last saw him. he looks alot better now > <. he spiked his hair. and then how he dress is better too. he's lik wearing baggy pants like a fob hahaha. what i recognise the most about phil...was the fact that he was always coughing. lmao...i guess he quit smoking when we went out but then right after, he started smoking again. olivia always told me about how much he smoked. anyways...we played pool. at first...phil and winnie played. lmao so jokes...winnie kept jinxing him. she was like "ghost!!! there's a ghost behind u phil!!" hahaha. i didn't know how to hold the stick at first but then phil taught me. i still remember...lmao i can't bend my thumb. so...the next game, me and winnie played. at first, i couldn't hit the ball properly but by the end of the game...i got it. lmao...near the end of the game, winnie was so tired and so, she let phil play. we were down to like one ball and an eight ball. i really thought phil was gonna win...since he's so good. but he missed so many times. winnie told me later that she was poking his butt. but then....it really looked like phil was letting me win. like he wasn't even trying. he just aimed wherever. phil can't be THAT bad. like when i missed...he said "but ur gonna win anyways, because i tried so many times" haha. i think it's cuz it's my first game and so he wants me to win. we walked back to pmall and then phil was behind us. he was walking behind us and winnie was making fun of the way he walked. thenn...winnie made him talk to me > < arg....so he just ask me stupid stuff...like "how are you" or whatever lol. he said that he lost my contact on msn and that's why we haven't talked for 2 years. i dunno if i believe that or not lol. it was still awkward between me and phil though. winnie was always walking between us...because...it was hard to talk to him. i didn't know what to talk to him about. when we got back to pmall...the first place we saw was that "justin's" place. lmao....so then winnie got her piercings. omg..that girl...i recognise her from my school...and i swear...i think it was her first time giving piercings...because she didn't know how to use the gun. she was so slowww...it took her like 10 minutes. i saw her pierce winnie's ears. omgg it looked like it hurt. she wanted 3 piercings too > <. that girl...it took her like 10 minutes to get the gun ready for each piercing. hahaha phil was making winnie laugh. and then...we both saw the last 2. it looked like it hurt...and phil was sooo disgusted haha. poor winnie > <....but then...her ear wasn't red so i guess that was fine. i dun think i EVER wanna get more piercings > < arg...unless i was really depressed and i wanted to ease it away from emotional pain to physical pain...but that's not gonna happen anytime soon. after that...we bought bubble tea. winnie had to buy for phil cuz she didn't pay for pool. i dun understand why they never made me pay > < haha o well. phil bought lynchee and i bought peach. ahhh peach milk tea is so good!! so then we just walked around pmall. phil was looking for blue roses but every store that we went to was so expensive > <. so after.....we went to i-zone and played jitz. haha phil was goodd...even tho he kept making me play...he ended up playing himself. soo...then we walked around market village. we were looking for roses AND...teddy bears. lmao when we went into ONE'S....so many winnie the pooh stuff. so cute...they have a big head and then a small body. phil wanted to buy them but he never did. after we went to eat. they went to this restaurant...and apparently the owner knows phil's dad. so...they ordered "gong go chau mien". i didn't order cuz i wasn't hungry. phil gave me his drink tho > <. cuz he doesn't like tofu drink. i remember winnie had to go out and call and then phil and i were talking. he just started talking about how he was working at wonderland this summer and stuff. then...he asked me what my curfew was and he said he could do whatever he want haha. then...i ask him about his car...and if he got a celica yet...and he said no but he still wants that car. i still remember those days lol...i know that he really wanted that car but he has no money. but that talk really made me think of the conversations we used to have. when winnie came back, i was gonna go call my mom but then phil gave me his cell. i don't know why he did that. he didn't even give winnie his cell but he gave me > <. but his cell phone was the one i wanted. i had to call my mom again to tell my mom that i was still ok lol. winnie took so long to eat lol. then...when phil left for a moment she asked me if i still had feelings for him when i saw him. ahhh i really don't know. it's been 2 years but then i dun think it's possible to forget someone completely no matter how hard you try. so then phil came back and winnie was still eating. and he said that some guy named ALFRED told him that he met me. i do NOT know anyone named alfred...i always wanted to know someone with that name tho lol. he is phil's age, used to go to phil's school and he has blond hair. he said that he met me at mhq....wtf > < ahhh well i gotta think about this lol. i have short term memory. i said i didn't know him but phil thought i was just joking around. o___O i really don't know him....at least i dun think i do. but the weird thing was that...i so remember someone asking me the exact same question before. maybe phil asked me the exact same question 2 years ago...but not possible tho > < i never went to sing k back then. then it must've been someone else. hmmm gotta think about this > <....*thinking*...alfred? hahaha. after that we went to the kiddy game place and phil and i played time crisis 2. we both sucked at it and we died at exactly the same time lol. afterr we played jitz again and then when we walked back to pmall..i saw my brother right away so i had to go. phil was confused as to who my brother was but then he saw. lol...so sadd > < i had to quickly wave goodbye to them cuz i had to leave right away.
soo tired > <...we went home to pick up my mom and then we went to the dentist. after that...we went to STC. my brother and i ate mcdonald's and then we went to play initial D. haha so happy...i played 3 games and none of those races i lost =). goshhh when i went home i was so tired. i didn't wanna eat dinner so then i just slept. so tiredd...then i woke up to watch [house of the dead] again with my brother. i LOVE that scene where the guy's head bursts like a watermelon. my brother was kinda disgusted by it but i thought it was cool. i'm so tired and it's 3am > <
\\listening to: memory book of youth (comic boyz)
----------------------march 16, 2004-----------------------
[12:51pm] yay!!! it's the 16th!! it's...exactly one year since i met my friend shuyun. lmao...i just remember that day for some reason. haha i still remember that day. she went to my blog and then she sent me an e-mail and then from that day on for like 4 months we talked everyday on msn. she was such a true friend to me so that's why i still remember the day we met. it's amazing how we became such great friends in such a short period of time. we had so much in common too...well mostly we just both liked tackey&tsubasa. lala i still remember some of the conversations we had. so pointless lmao...always about a cow and a lazy pig hahaha. thenn one time i fell asleep during an msn conversation. > < we dun talk that much now but then o well~~ our friendship will never change. she will always be one of the most special friends that i have =). like it's not easy to find friends like that...and it's not easy to talk to someone for that long period of time...especially when you're only online friends =). but some of the advice she gave me really helped me. last year...i remember around this time, i was sad because my EX bestfriend wasn't even talking to me and i had no reason why. if i never had shuyun to talk to...i think i would've been alot more depressed than i was. haha so that is my tribute to her LMAO. i wish that i meet her in person someday =).
i was reading my deadjournal and then i think that all the "problems" that i've had since september is completely BS. i just think way too much. none of those things were really problems...it was just because i think too much. i think that if i had just let those things go then my life would be much easier than it is right now. none of those things were really problems. now that i look back on it. my problems most or always were about my bestfriend. most of those things weren't really problems though. like i was just short tempered and easy to get jealous. i was too naive. i was too much of a perfectionist. no friendship can be perfect. no friendship can be without fights or disagreements...but instead of stressing over those things, i should've cherished the good things about our friendship. i should've just overlooked those bad things and just LET IT GO~~. lol i think i really have a different perspective of life now. when i think back, we didn't really have any problems during september and october. i remember though...that i was always afraid of her not being friends with me...so i really stressed over anything, if anything, that went wrong. i remember this one time it was lunch time and she had to "meet someone". well...he came to her locker and then...i just felt it was natural that i left. so i went upstairs to the second floor and then i started bitching to olivia. half an hour later...she came back...and then at first i was a little bit cold to her...and she probably noticed it too...but then i couldn't stay mad at her because she was so nice to me. during september and october, there were always times like that. i was always afraid...afraid that she would leave me for another friend. i was just cautious because of all that shit that happened in the past. but i realize that she wouldn't have done that. those times when she talked to her other friends for a while, i shouldn't have been so jealous...she was just talking to them...no harm in that. our friendship would've never changed and i shouldn't have wasted so much of that energy getting mad at her. and also...whenever i was mad at her...she would never realize how i feel. she would just keep smiling...and she would just keep treating me as a bestfriend no matter what. those times when she talked to me about these pointless things...i finally realized why she really did that. it was because she trusted me so much that she would tell me about everything. she was a true bestfriend back then...really. there were really no problems back then so i shouldn't have been so short tempered around her. after the science trip, that was a really devastating day for us. we both knew that our friendship would never ever be the same again...but she always thought otherwise. back then, i could've understood that she wanted to make a new friend, who was kathleen. she didn't hang out with me because she knew that i didn't wanna be friends with kathleen. but the fact that she chose kathleen over me was because of how i treated her at the science center. even though she said that she would give me another chance, her actions weren't true to that. i knew that she couldn't forgive me that easily. so...i just figured this out. the whole month of november...she was trying to make things work out for us again. she was trying to bring back the days...the moments we had back in the beginning of the school year. i looked back at the chat logs and only now do i notice everything that she did. she treated me the same way that she had...but i treated her differently. i treated her coldly because she didn't hang out with me. she had other friends like kathleen and pauline. i thought that they were more important to her than me and so i didn't treat her the same way as i did before. but...the things that she said was the same. and then in person...even though she hung out with kathleen, she always said hi to me in person...and i remembered that i would always ignore her. thenn...she would hug me...and then i remember that i would always try to ignore that too. i should've understood at that time...that her intention was only for me to accept her and kathleen as friends...and hang out with them. i remember during november, some of her nicknames on msn were for me...and then when we talked, she was so nice to me. in november...i tried to compete with kathleen. i wanted her to be friends with me. i thought that she only hung out with kathleen because kathleen had no other friends. but that wasn't the truth at all. everyday i had hoped that she would hang out with me. i remember one day in comm sci...we were getting along so well. and then at the end of the class, she hugged me and then she said "i want to stay like this forever" and then she let go and she left to go hang out with kathleen and her other friends. during november i kept being stubborn. i hated kathleen. i never ever wanted to be friends with her. then...one day i realized that she trusted me alot and so i started talking to her more and more. instead of just ACTING like her friend, i started actually BEING her friend. then...for a couple of days...i hung out with kathleen and kelly. both of them wanted me to hang out with them...and i think especially my ex bestfriend really wanted us to be in a group. on the first day, we went to the mall together. i still remember...kelly and i were under the umbrella together...and then kathleen was just outside...i really wanted her to be inside but then kelly won't let me. and also...she mentioned that i was her BESTFRIEND...like right in front of kathleen. i never thought that she'd do that. i think that she was clearly pointing out to kathleen that i was her BESTFRIEND and that kathleen was just a normal friend to her. i remember that she was being mean to kathleen that day. she kept trying to ditch her at the mall...like she kept saying "we'll meet u here kathleen after" and it's like telling her to leave us alone. so mean. then the second time we hung out was in the caf. i remember that kathleen and i talked alot more than i talked to my bestfriend. we stopped hanging out...because...i simply did not like hanging out with them. we had nothing to talk about. so then after that, kathleen and i started becoming better friends. at that time, i had completely gotten over the fact that kathleen was hanging out with her and i wasn't. but the problem was that kathleen started telling me how annoying she was. as the days went by, this also got worse. kathleen eventually ditched her. i remember she hung out with me after that. like...she never told me that kathleen ditched her but i knew it happened. but she didn't know that kathleen hated her...yet. so when i hung out with her...i really didn't know what was gonna happen next. i didn't know if i could trust her or not. cuz after all that she's done...she expects me to be her bestfriend again?? i guess at that time, from every perspective i looked at, i was just a rebound friend to her. but now...i think i shouldn't have been that mean. she just lost some friends...and she knows that she wouldn't lose me as a friend and so, that's why she hung out with me again. she knew that things were finally going well for us again and i wouldn't ditch her. that testimonial...was what brought back our friendship. like after that day when we wrote testimonials to each other...we knew exactly what we thought of each other and that's why we got along so well. arggg i dun wanna explain any more. maybe i'll explain the rest another day. but the point is that i never really had any problems then and i dun really have any problems now. it's not really the situation that's the issue, i just think too much. i always expect bad things to happen and then i'm always too jealous. i always expect her to ditch me for another friend.
i shouldn't stress over the issue of our friendship too much. this disagreement has gone on for too long. what happens will happen and i shouldn't care too much about it. if we were meant to be friends then we'll stay friends forever. if not...then i guess it's goodbye. if she wants to be friends with me...she should just talk to me. i have no problem with that. but i'm not gonna do anything. i'm not gonna take the first step. *yawn* i never expected it to take me until MARCH 16 to realize all this. whatever happens will happen. it's nothing to stress over. i'm gonna have high blood pressure if i keep thinking about this. k i cherish all the memories we have...and i'll always remember that we were once bestfriends...and that we once thought that we would be bestfriends forever.
my problems...aren't very serious. i shouldn't be constantly bitching to my friends about it. i know that they always give me good advice but then from now on, i wouldn't bring anything up if nothing is really wrong. unless something is seriously wrong and it's not something that i'm just thinking about too much...then i won't mention it to them. today, both grace and winnie gave me good advice. winnie...omg...i can't believe my EX bestfriend blocked and deleted her. she did NOTHING...goshh and she didn't block and delete me...although i think that i was the reason why she deleted winnie. winnie just told me to forget about her. grace...haha grace has always been there for me. she's heard about EVERY problem and her advice has helped me through all of them. these are my true friends. the friends who are always there for me no matter what. the testimonial that grace wrote me is touching. haha to have friends like these is so special. i think all of them just want me to be happy again...to stop stressing about my ex bestfriend...just too be happy. so from now on, i promise that i'll do that.
arggg it's 4:55am right now. i don't know what i'm doing awake. i'm not even tired yet lmao. i just watched "the barbershop". haha before i watched this, i never thought it was good. i hesitated to watch the sequel because people said it sucked and also, i didn't even watch the first one. the movie is pretty good...so funnyy. i wanna go watch the second one now =). haha some people...i guess they just don't get the humor. *yawn* arggg i'm gonna go to sleep. my brother isn't back from montreal yet...i wonder when he's coming back...cuz we're supposed to go somewhere tomorrow.
\listening to: love bug (m.flo ft. boa)
----------------------march 14, 2004-----------------------
[1:45pm] i woke up so early today because...i couldn't sleep. i finally realize the simple truth. no matter how much i want the past to come back, nothing can ever change things from the way they are right now. nothing can ever bring the past back...no matter how much i regret it happening. just because we are friends again...doesn't mean we'll stay friends...and doesn't mean that we'll become bestfriends again. all that's happened has happened...it's in our memories forever. we did start over...but i don't think that's physically possible. because...she used to be my bestfriend...we had so many memories and moments together. we used to be...very very close...but now look at us. i think that no matter how much both of us want to be friends again, i think it's impossible. from the time that we were separated...so many things have happened to both of us...and has changed both of our lives. we can never go back to the past...no matter how special it was. i doubt she would give up everything she has right now...i doubt that i would ever be her highest priority...because she simply doesn't care anymore. when winnie told me that she was going through pain too...i think that is bs. she obviously moved on already...even though she won't admit it i know it's true. she obviously doesn't want to be friends anymore...and she doesn't even give a shitt about what happens to our friendship. if she wants to talk to me on msn she better message me first. i am not messaging her anymore. i doubt she even knows that the past...all our memories were so important to me. i have proof of this because she deleted our testimonials. that means that there's no proof that we were ever bestfriends. fukkk > <. since october 20, if i could take everything that has happened to me and trade it all just to go back to our perfect friendship, i think i would. i have every doubt in my mind that she would think the same tho. october 20 was when everything had gone wrong in our friendship. from that day on, we've had so many problems, so many fights. every good thing that has happened to me since then have been overcome by my depression. i have....absolutely no idea what to do now.
[10:10pm] goshh i still can't get over it. i wish i had saved a copy of that testimonial before she deleted it. it was seriously very important to me. it stated everything about our friendship. now that i think about it, i've read it so many times that i should be able to recite everything in it...not word for word...but just generally what it said. umm....she said i was her "one and only bestfriend". and thenn she said i was cuddly and like a pillow. always want to hug me. she also said that i always smile and cheer her up. then, she said that we've known each other for 2 years and she got my email from kenneth. the first thing she said was "who are you?" and i said "amanda?". then...she talks about the first time we went to the mall together and i watcher her eat that taco. then, she said that we've experienced so many ups and downs together...and about that time when she cried to me on the phone. and then she thanks me for listening to her. and she also said that we always get into fights over the simplest things and we get separated for a while but we always end up back together again. then....she said that i make her feel all these emotions like mad, sad, and happy and she said that she wouldn't be the person she is today if it wasn't for me. and then she talks about that time when we were sitting in the hallway and she started saying gibberish to me but i kept laughing but i was supposed to say gibberish back to her because it was supposed to be a secret language. oh ya...and she also said that no one is perfect but i am a perfect friend to her. o goshhh i dun think i can remember any more.
[11:39pm] ok i am gonna do something that probably will mean the end to our friendship forever. i'm gonna delete her off of my friendster. i seriously have my reasons. but then if she ever asks me, i'll probably end up forgetting all of those reasons. so that's why right now, i'll state them here. so that if i ever get into that situation, i'll know exactly why i did this. i hope that in the future i won't regret this...but knowing how i am, i probably will. but this time, there's no reason to regret it because every thought in my mind right now is telling me to go on. so....why i'm doing this is because i'm still pissed off about the testimonial thing. on friendster, that is the only indication that we were ever friends. and also, that testimonial was the only thing that was keeping me from deleting her. i knew that if i deleted her, i would end up deleting the testimonial too...which was really important to me. but keeping her on my friendster is one of the many reasons why i'm still depressed. i see her posts on the bulletin board and i'm really disturbed by all of them because all of them are concerning the same thing. the reason why i don't read her bulletin board posts and the reason why i never visit her friendster page is for the same reason. it's because i don't want to cry. i don't need anymore proof that we aren't bestfriends anymore and i don't need any proof of what her highest priority is now. it's very obvious to everyone. she can deny it...but everyone else in the world knows the truth. since february, i vowed that i would never ever visit her friendster page again...and i never did. what i don't know cannot hurt me. what made me do what i did...was because of what i saw on her friendster page that day. i could not handle it at all. if i never saw that...i dun think i would be as depressed today...but i did and i am. so if i delete her...those bulletin posts would not be there...and i would never ever visit her page again. what she did was completely coldhearted. even though how we feel about each other is not the same anymore...it's not right to just deny those feelings. it's just memories. memories are all that we have now. we have nothing else. our friendship is no more...and all that exists is what it used to be. there's nothing wrong with dwelling in the past...because obviously i'm not happy with what's going on in the present. she deleted it off of MY friendster page without asking. i never had any intention of deleting HER testimonials nor the ones i wrote for her on HER page. and besides, i vowed never to go to her friendster page again anyways so how would i delete them?? goshh just because we aren't friends anymore doesn't mean that everything that happened before should be forgotten too > <. shitt > <. and what i'm doing is not as bad as what she did. when testimonials are deleted...there is no way to ever get them back. when friends are deleted from friendster, you can always add them again. and also i remember what olivia's theory was. if this is really was some reverse psychology shitt to make me want to be her friend again...i'm seriously gonna get revenge. reverse psychology...it's the most underhanded, conceited thing a person could ever do. if she wanted to get a message across to me, she could've done it WITHOUT hurting me. she did something that was irreversible. now that i think about it...i think it really WAS reverse psychology. cuz when winnie asked her that ONE question, she started talking about our friendship and shit like that. goshh i didn't wanna know about our friendship. it's pretty obvious now. i really wonder if she did that just so that i'd ask her why. everything was going fine. i was actually getting less depressed. until THAT happened. wtf > <...she really wants me to stay depressed forever. so what if we're not bestfriends anymore? we WERE...that's all that counts. it's not my fault she is such a b!tch now...it's not my fault that she bullshitts about no one ever replacing this friendship but look at her NOW > <. this is not f*king backstabbing this is my thoughts. i could care less if she ever come to my page and read this. she f*cking deserve this. she doesn't deserve me as a friend at all and i know that as a fact. winnie told her everything. winnie told her the reason why i stopped being friends with her and winnie also told her that i was depressed for these few months. before i never told her because i was just afraid. now...i thought that after she knew about all the pain i was going through that she'd be a little sad but she isn't. she doesn't give a shitt about my feelings. i always thought that i knew what kind of person she was. i always thought that if she ever knew exactly how i felt, that she'd feel a little guilty. but she doesn't. i guess that is how much of a b!tch she is. i dun even know what the f*ck she is trying to do. we are "friends" again but she doesn't message me. does she just wait until i message her? > < omfg if she ever wanted to be in my friend in the first place she would talk to me. she knows how depressed i am so the least she can ever say is sorry. i did nothing wrong. nothing at all. no matter what perspective she looks at, i did nothing. the only f*cking reason she should feel pain is the fact that she is guilty for doing what she did. i should NOT be the first person to talk to her again. i'm not caving. i can't hope that she will be friends with me again. i shouldn't even care because i'm not falling for that reverse psychology sh!t. but i'm still pissed off about the testimonials > <.
arggg that is how angry i am.
-----------------------------------------------------------
++BEACHBOYS+ [
beachboys]
anyways, for most of the day, i watched [beach boys]. i watched ep1-4. i didn't think it was that good at first and i didn't really want to watch it because the quality was just so bad. but i watched it anyways and it's really good. sorimachi takeshi and takenouchi yutaka is in it. sorimachi takeshi plays this carefree guy and then takenouchi yutaka plays this uptight businessman. they both meet at the beach. in the beginning...takeshi was kicked out of the apartment from his girlfriend and then yutaka wanted to take a vacation from his busy corporate life. yutaka travelled by train and then he saw takeshi in his car. then he saw the car break down and he laughed...but he ended up helping him because he felt guilty. so both of them pushed the car together up the hill. then the car fell downhill and right to the shore. it seems that they landed near an inn...so they decide to stay there. they meet the interesting people that work there and the locals who always come to that inn. so then...they have so much fun there and then eventually, yutaka decides to quit his job and then live at the inn as an employee, just as takeshi has. in ep4...his boss comes to the inn and tries to persuade him into going back because he is giving up his future, but in the end, he decides not to go. it's a really touching story. at first, yutaka and takeshi didn't get along because of their personalities, but they became closer and closer friends. this show came out back in 1997 > < so long ago.
----------------------march 13, 2004-----------------------
[11:21am] yayy!!! it's been exactly one year since i made this blog. haha....one year since my first post^^ yayy!! but it doesn't really feel like a year. lmao...maybe it's because for a big part of the year i didn't have any posts. my blog has changed so much since then. argg i still remember when foreverfree.com went down...that's why my pictures don't show up for my earlier posts. arg > < omg i spent so much time uploading them. yesterday i didn't post because too much stuff happened to me.
on march 12...i checked my friendster and then i noticed that my scrollbar was bigger. then i scrolled down...and noticed that...the testimonials that my ex bestfriend wrote for me were gone. i was....really really devastated. i still remember that it was on december 7. *sigh* i can't believe she deleted it. that testimonial represented our friendship back then...and even though all that is gone now, there's no reason to delete it. it's just memories...they can't hurt. and besides, it was MY friendster page she deleted it off of. it's really none of her business that i still have it on. she could've asked me. goshh...i dun think she realized how important that testimonial was to me. since october 20, i wanted an indication that our friendship was still the same as before...and that testimonial proved it. goshh....it's like she's taking back everything she ever said about me. i can't believe it. that testimonial was one of the reasons why i didn't forget about her yet. because in it...i remember she said...that we experienced alot of ups and downs together...we always get separated for a period of time but we always get back together again. i can't believe it. our friendship wasn't ALL good memories...obviously...but the good ones should be cherished, not forgotten. the bad memories always come back and haunt me...but the good memories are very easy to forget unless there is proof. i wonder if she deleted the testimonial i wrote for her too. i dun wanna check...because i don't wanna go on her friendster page. if she did...omg...i spent so much time on that thing. it took me like 2 hours to write each testimonial. i put so much thought into it. so yesterday, i was really sad...because i really needed to ask her why she deleted the testimonials. i asked winnie to ask her...because i really didn't want to talk to her. winnie showed me the message. it was like saying that since we're not bestfriends anymore...the testimonials shouldn't be there...so she deleted it for the both of us. omg wtf > < it's my friendster page > <...not hers!!! anyways...i told winnie just to ask her that one question and winnie went on...and like talked to her about OUR friendship. she was acting like a middle person. then...winnie did something. she told her...how i felt. she told her what went wrong in the friendship and why i did what i did. she told her THE PROBLEM...which i never ever wanted to tell her about. actually i don't know how much of "the problem" winnie knows about...but she probably told her everything. omg > < so scary > <. i don't know...winnie said that she understood and she was sad about it too. then winnie told me to talk to her again and even though i hesitated to, she messaged me first. the first thing she asked was about why winnie did all that stuff. i said...."i don't know. i just told her to ask one simple question". then...she asked me if i was still sad about my friendship. i seriously didn't expect her to ask me that question. i said the truth. when i was talking to her, i realized that i had changed alot. before, i didn't really know how to answer her questions. i lied alot about my feelings...but i don't understand why now, i actually tell her the truth. thenn...i told her that whenever i look at her, i could tell that she's moved on already...but then she said that appearance isn't everything....it's inside that counts. but i could tell that she already HAS moved on. maybe she was sad...i don't know...i can't tell. but i thought she was too happy with her life to care about our friendship. anyways...after that, we just agreed to start over. to..."forgive and forget". for the rest of the conversation, we just acted like we just met and we introduced each other and everything. that was the first time in a long time that we had a non-serious conversation.
our friendship now...i don't know if it can last or not. but what makes me saddest is...i know that we're never ever gonna be bestfriends again. but i don't know if i can stand being just normal friends with her. but i guess if we don't know that much about each other's lives then i guess it's fine. right now...i shouldn't think of her as that important to me...because she is just a normal friend. how she's treating me now is just like a normal friend. i don't know if she would ever be bestfriends with me again. i don't know if we'll ever hang out again. i don't even know how long this will last. i hope this isn't like february. i AM sad that the friendship we once had has turned into THIS. but i guess it's a new beginning. still, i don't want to think of her as the same person that was my bestfriend back in september and october. i can't even treat her the same way now...so no point. maybe i should just act like she is a new friend...and assume that i know nothing about her at all. everytime i try to think of what is gonna happen next, it's always bad. it's because i always take into account the PAST we had. our conversation was fine...but then i always think that something from our PAST will interfere with our friendship. so...if...there was never a past...there is no problem...i hope. goshh i really wanna know what happens next...
when i saw the testimonial thing...what scared me the most was...it felt like my dream had come true. a few days ago, i had this dream where i was talking to her. we were having this normal talk, and then she said "but i promised to forget you by this sunday". what shocked me about this was that i thought that she had already forgotten about me. and also...sunday IS the 14th. the fact that she deleted the testimonial meant that she wanted to forget about me as soon as possible. so...i really didn't want to wait and see what was gonna happen this sunday and so...i had to tell winnie to talk to her for me. i was really devastated though...and oh ya...there was this other part of my dream. in my dream, she said like "...unless you were to do something to prevent it from happening" -____- very scary. and i did...and i HOPE i prevented it...i don't know if it'll work or not. i really didn't expect what happened yesterday to happen. i guess one thing led to another. i found the testimonials gone ----> i told winnie to ask her ---> my EX bestfriend and i talked again. right now...i shouldn't contemplate about what i am gonna do next. i shouldn't think too much and just let things happen. whatever will happen will happen...i will just act like my normal self. oh ya...what else was scary about this...was that yesterday was exactly 27 days since we stopped talking. lmao...that song..."the ex"
So I sat in my room for 27 days,
No she never called, I had something to say!
No she never called, I had something to say!
olivia told me that on the 27th day i should celebrate. but...i couldn't...because we are friends again. i seriously don't know if this is a good event or not. every decision i make seems like a wrong decision. i guess...my life is back to that drama...but it was ALWAYS a drama. whatever happens now...i shouldn't take so seriously. i shouldn't regret anything that i did. whether we stay friends or not depends on if we WANT to still be friends. i guess if we both try...we can be the friends we used to be. but i always think there is a small chance of that happening. but it's worth a try...and also...if i think too much...i might affect the outcome. so...no matter what happens from now on...if i'm mad at her or something...maybe i'll tell her...but i won't be mean to her. the mistake i made in the past was that i ignored her everytime i was mad at her. so i didn't talk to her on msn and i ignored her at school. arggg i'm so scared to msg her now...i really don't want to message her...i don't know if i should or not > <. i don't know if we'll have anything to talk about or not.
last night i slept at 3:30am. it was because i was watching [house of the dead] on tv. omggg i tried so hard to stay awake...alot of times i was so close to falling asleep...but i like slapped myself awake. that movie...it was pretty good. the zombies looked cool..better than in [28 days later]. o goshh that movie sucked...it was so low budget. [house of the dead] had a pretty good ending. in the end...there was ONE survivor. anywayss the story is kinda different than the game. in the movie...it says the zombies were created because this guy mutated blood and injected it into corpses. ugh that guy looked so disgusting. he was from like a century ago. he got hung and then he regenerated himself from using other people's body parts...so he's stitched up and everything. and thenn....he wants to use other people's body parts for his own. when one of the characters cut his head off his body is still independantly walking around. so the girl stepped on his head and then his head burst like a watermelon > < omg. lmao i was disgusted for like a minute but then i was fine. i see alot of these gory movies. [house of the dead] is pretty good. but i think if i wasn't half asleep at that time, i would've liked it more.
\listening to: yozora no mukou (SMAP)
[12:55am] i had like no time to update my blog today. i had to go out and then i had to come home and eat dinner and then i finally had some time. my goal today was to fix the archived pages that i had before. they have all these broken links now. soo...i fixed the first two. the first one started on march 13 [
link] and the second one started on april 16 [
link]. o goshhhh it took me so long to fix these pages...but o well..i'm finished now. i doubt i'm gonna do the other ones...i just don't have the energy. i'm so tired lately for some reason > <...i don't do that much during my day but i'm so tired. i wanna sleep now but then...i wanna watch some shows.
today i was talking on the phone with olivia for like 2 hours. i don't even remember half of the stuff she was talking about. but it was 2 hours. i told her about what happened at fairview mall, i told her about her EX friend, and then i told her about what happened yesterday between me and my ex bestfriend. olivia was pissed off. she thought i was caving...but i really wasn't. she asked me "what if this would bring you back into that endless circle?" well...i don't know if it would or not. it probably will...and then i will probably be depressed again. i don't know why i take these risks in the first place. but it is my decision. i won't let other people influence it either. there IS no right or wrong decision. either way there are gonna be problems. without my ex bestfriend i am so depressed. olivia also said "i thought you were stronger than this"...i am...but...i don't know what made me do that. no matter how much i act like i'm normal, it always comes down to the simple truth: i cannot forget about the past and just move on because i have something unsettled that is bothering me. if i AM bestfriends with her, of course there are gonna be problems. i can't just expect the friendship to be as perfect as it was before...but i can HOPE that it would happen. but...instead of wondering "what it could've been"...i think i'd rather just take the chance...for now. if i fail...then i think that would give me the strength to just let go. but then if i don't try, i'll probably spend the rest of my life wondering what i could've done to save this friendship. i guess i just have to face all the drama that comes with it...but if it gets really unbearable...i'll give up. so...no matter what decision i make, i will not let other people influence me. i have given into my friend's opinions in the past...but now i realize that i can't do that. even though their advice might be right...it's not exactly what i want to do. like...i know that my friends want to protect me from whatever bad thing's gonna happen to me...but i think for once...i just want to see what will happen if i just make a decision on my own. the advice my friends give me...they are biased by their hate of my ex bestfriend. all of them say the same thing. all of them hate her. it kind of bothers me. if they didn't hate her, i think that their advice would be different. there ARE friends that don't hate her...but then their decision is always along the lines of "whatever you do, i'll support you". that is good advice...but it doesn't exactly tell me what i should do.
anyways olivia did a tarot card reading for me. i got the worst cards in the world. it was like...sorrow...forget about the past+ look into the future...and then like happiness will not last long. arggg that is not good at all. geez i wonder what will happen to me. it's march break right now anyways so nothing can possibly happen to me unless it's online...but then i don't hate to go online. but i don't know if i can stand a few days without msn. i think i would go crazy with boredom. olivia got the LOVER card. omgg so good. lmao...anywayss i talk to her today. our conversations are so empty and awkward. there is really nothing that we talk about. it's all small talk. i wonder what will happen in the days to come. i hope that it's a good thing...because i don't think i can stand any more traumatic experiences in my life for now. i want something happy to happen. i want a bestfriend. i seriously do. i don't think that i should even be dwelling on the past because the past is just the past. the fact that she deleted the testimonials meant that it is a time to move on. something that is broken cannot ever be normal again. it will always stay broken...
o goshhh i am typing with my eyes closed. so tired right now...i wanna go to sleep...i really can't stay awake any longer...
\\listening to: pika**nchi double (arashi)
----------------------march 11, 2004-----------------------
[5:47pm] today is my brother's birthday^^ haha he's turning 24^^. ugh...i had no idea it was the 11th today. this morning....i thought it was the 10th so i said to quach..."happy day before your birthday"...then he said "what...but my birthday is today"...that's when i realized that today was the 11th and i didn't get my brother a present yet > <. i also forgot to say happy birthday to him this morning. anyways...after school, i was lik "OH SHITT" because we were going to markville mall instead. i was scared that i couldn't get his present for him. we just ate there and then we left. i was happy when we finally went to peachtree center. i went to smart maple to get him this round penguin...so cutee^^. ahhh it's so soft and then it's so dumb looking^^. i'll take a webcam picture of it someday.
anywayss today was such a tiring day. i always hate last days because i contemplate about whether to skip or not. i always do anyways. in comm tech, i waited for the teacher to take the attendance and then pauline, annie, and i just left the classroom. we left when the teacher wasn't looking lol. before that though, we were just sitting there WAITING for him to take the attendance. annie had skipped and so she was in the class with us. come to think of it...she almost ALWAYS skips lol. i think it's amazing how we are friends now after all that stuff happened. i never expected us to ever be friends again...but it happened...so i'm happy^^. like i was always afraid of knowing the same people that she did. last year...when my ex bestfriend wasn't talking to me...i thought that the reason must've been like....that annie had told her bad things about me...because annie WAS in her french class. to this day i don't know if it's true or not...but since we are friends...i just assume it isn't. at first, i thought she was just nice to me because there were alot of people around...but then like today...we were walking together with no one else around and she still treated me the same way. so i guess we ARE friends. i hesitated to hang out with her 3rd period because i didn't want things to happen to us again. i think it's better to just be friends...friends don't have to hang out together...and besides, i don't want anything else in the future to happen again because i don't think i can handle it. i'm happy that we are friends now...and i don't ever want anything to change. i know exactly how to NOT have any problems. like...if you're friends with someone...the more your lives interfere with each other, the more likely it is to have problems and fights. for example, if a friend knows the same people as u...and if they know about all your problems and everything...they can use that against you. even though most people wouldn't do that...SOME do...and when you are friends with someone...you never ever see their true side. but that is just my opinion. the people i talk to the most and see the most are NOT my closest friends. my closest friends are the people i get along with the best when i'm around them.
today in english class....we had the group things for the SURVIVOR game. i was in jackson and quincy's group. quincy...lmao omg..we always make fun of quincy and daphne. our teacher does too..and so does ambross lol. i remember yesterday, when our whole group was together...me and jackson kept saying that quincy liked daphne. it's not like i was trying to be mean or anything...i seriously have proof. i have my sources...and my friend told me she heard it herself...quincy told her DIRECTLY that he liked daphne. o gosh > <....but he's like denying it. he was like saying she was ugly and that she looked like a man. so bad > < we were just joking around...he shouldn't say that shitt about her. and she was like right behind him too. arg > < if she didn't hear then i guess it's good...but seriously...it was so loud...she must've been DEAF not to hear it. anyways today....fob #2 was sitting behind me....kui....mong juu ngo ar > < geez....i saw that little scar under his eye. it looked like he took some cigarettes and burned himself. haha...it was scary tho...everytime i saw him, i saw this black scar under his eye. it looked like it either healed or he got surgery on it lol.
math test was SUPER hard. i think i failed it. but what the hell. i'm not gonna try. it's the last day of school before march break dammit...whose in the mood to do a TEST?? anyways...what was important was what happened AFTER the test. i saw nichole...then i taught her how to do something. likee i taught her how to find the coordinates of the endpoint of a line if given the midpoint and the first coordinate. i helped her until lik 1 minute before the test began. her friends crowded around us though...they were like "what's going on" and stuff. brian lo came by and he said "don't tell her" lmao...then he took my math button. but then...the teacher came out and asked what was going on...and then i just left. i think the teacher thought that i was telling her the answers. then after the test, i saw her and then she told me that the teacher wrote down her name for mr. hamilton. *sigh* i told her...that if she got in trouble...i would get in trouble with her...because it's my fault. she was so touched lmao. but really...if anything happened to her...i would explain to her teacher personally about it. besides, it is a fuckkingg math test..what kind of person would memorize solutions to tell other ppl? o gosh > <. anyways...she is probably the only friend that i would do this too. i would risk my life to make sure that she is ok^^ but that's only because of what she has done for me in the past. despite her how calm she acts, she can always tell that something is wrong...even before asking anything. other friends...i don't know. i WOULD help them...but i wouldn't help them like i did for nichole. today...i was almost late for comm tech class...but i was planning to skip anyways.
when i skipped comm tech, i went to go hang out with nancy. nancy was playing cards...but it didn't seem like she was having fun. it didn't seem like she had fun with the people she hung out with...even though she seemed happy. she is always complaining about herman...and even though it always seems like a joke...i don't know if it's true or not. cuz they seem like they're just joking around but i don't know...it COULD be serious. anywayss...then we just hung around. she told me that her and anthony might change their math class to 3rd period so that they would have 4th period lunch. she then asked me if it was ok if i hung out with her. now....i really don't know about this. even though i'm ok with it...i don't know if my friends are. i don't knof if my friends would care if i hung out with someone else. i doubt they will...but then i'm scared that i'll be distant from them. and also...like...it's either i JUST hang out with nancy...or she hangs out in the same group that i do. like...i have alot of friends...but then not all of my friends know each other and i don't know if all my friends get along with each other. but i surely hope so. i don't know...things could happen > < i don't know if olivia could get along with nancy, but then if we hang out as a big group, i'm sure we would all get along...because i think nancy is better than alot of them. like...i don't consider some friends better than others...but some of the people in the group AREN'T my friends. they are just losers that have nowhere else to go and so they just hang out with us. they piss me off so bad > <. i just wanna kick them because they're such losers > <. anyways...in the washroom tho...nancy asked me this weird question. she asked me who was my bestfriend in gr10? this question really made me think. the first thing i said was "but i lost one" then nancy said "but you have so many friends welll i guess so...but then i don't know who i would call my bestfriend in gr10. it's kind of hard right now. but i said...nichole...because i think that she is the person i understand the most and get along with. i told nancy that a bestfriend to me is not someone that i talked ot the most...because with some ppl...even if you talk to them alot...they can never be your bestfriends because it just wouldn't seem right. lik...with some people...we talk alot and we know each other very well but most of the time, we don't CLICK. uhh...like...if it's possible to carry on a conversation with someone everyday and not ever stop having things to say or never stop being bored of them...it means that you and that person CLICK...which means you and that person get along very well.
at lunch...like i seriously did not want to see my ex bestfriend. i remember we were walking in the hallway and then like...i heard her and her friends walking towards us so i made olivia turn and walk the opposite way. little did i know...they did exactly the same thing. since the hallway was circular...i knew that we would meet up. i heard them coming...and then i pulled olivia and we just RAN. it looked kind of immature...since i was running away from her...but now that i think about it, it wasn't that bad...because...like...it's better not to see her...than to see her and face that awkward moment where we walk by each other and say nothing. that's why...and if it seemed immature well then i'm just immature. i'm too scared to face my problems. when we waited outside the japanese class...olivia was standing like right beside her...i almost burst out laughing. the reason i skipped japanese was because i didn't want to see her. i remember that on the last day of lik everything...we would go to the mall together...or we would skip class and hang out together. i really miss those days *sigh*. today i went to markville mall and into the sony store. o gosh...i still remember this. it was like...on january 22...the last time me and my ex bestfriend ever hung out. ironically...it was also the only day in a long time that we got along. we were in the sony store and then, i remember that back room. it was there for people to sit down and watch the tv's. i remember we sat there once. it was really a memorable moment. we watched this chinese movie. we joked around alot...that's why i remember that moment. i just remember that at that timee, i was truly happy to have her as a bestfriend. but i never expected these things to happen to us. i remember how...she told me that no matter how embarrassing a comment or a question she said, i shouldn't start walking away from her. so...for that day, i tried my best to not do that. but some of the things she says...i just want to walk away...but i know i shouldn't. i know that it hurts her > <. on that day, we settled all our differences. who would've guessed...that only a few days later...we would stop being friends > <. i thought that we had understood each other...i thought that everything was gonna be ok from now on. we had promised to tell each other if anything was wrong and that we wouldn't ever keep secrets from each other.
o goshh i think i typed so much > <
\listening to: lala love song (boa ft. soul'd out)
----------------------march 10, 2004-----------------------
[7:05pm] nothing happened to me today. i'm so tired...i wanna go to sleep but then i have to do homework and study. argg i wanna go drink some coffeee but i don't wanna look stupid. i don't know what can keep me awake. i must not sleep. i must not sleep at all. i'm so exhausted from today. today i went to fairview mall and i hate with my brother...but then right after, we played a couple of games of DDR. it was so painful. i thought i was gonna faint. it hurt so much....i was like delirious. i stopped after like 4 or 5 games. there were these girls that played ddr after us. i wanted to laugh at them but then it would be so mean. there were 2 girls...1 of them was playing "heavy" mode and the other one was there too but she wasn't playing. she was doing all of the movements but she wasn't playing. she was like practicing. she even took her shoes off too. i dun think they allow it...cuz u could slip and break your neck. anyways...at first i thought that girl was good...cuz she was playing "heavy" but after a while, i realized she was playing all these slow stages and she was still losing. they act like they are so coool...i wanted to cuss them off...but then i just played. even tho i dun play HEAVY at least i dun look like a loser when i play ddr -____-. i was so tired > < omgg i almost died. i'm STILL tired right now. i had fun though. but it's unhealthy to eat and then play so soon after. but i did anyways...nothing else to do.
i don't want anyone to ever mention that person's name to me. she is nobody to me now. i don't care. there is really no chance for us and nothing i can do can ever change that. she's happy with her life...i want her to stay that way. last night...i had a dream. we were in this room and we were talking. i asked her if she ever plans to be friends with me again and she said "i promised to forget about you by sunday". which means....like....after sunday she will completely forget about our past and just treat me as a stranger. then i got mad at her but she said she would reconsider if i was nicer to her. i just...walked away. anyways that is the end of my dream. that was a scary dream. i think she actually thinks that way in real life though...but i assume she's probably moved on already. i looked at her in japanese and she looked back but then i pretended as though i didn't look at her. i gotta start doing something starting tomorrow. in japanese....i have to stop looking at her. i have to just...pretend i don't know her...cuz i really don't. and then when i see her after math, i won't look at her. i don't wanna see her...ugh...seeing her makes me so sad. i have no idea if we are friends again. if we are...then it's a miracle...but i doubt we will. look at the situation now. we have no contact with each other...we never WILL have any contact with each other. it's ironic though. in the past, we talked alot about being friends forever...that any fight will just make us closer. i remember...i always told her that one day we won't be friends anymore. i said that because i was always scared of that happening. she always told me...that until that happens...we should make the best of this friendship. *sigh*....only words. it's ironic how while we were friends we trusted and understood each other so much but the moment we stopped being friends...we think of each other as a completely different person. before...the reason why i wanted to be friends with her before was because i was thinking of this. that since we understood each other so much...i thought that...we both assume that we don't wanna be friends with each other anymore and so that's why we act this way. but then...sadly i realized that was not true. she doesn't treat me this way because she thinks i don't wanna be friends with her again...she treats me this way because she actually hates me now. it's not a misunderstanding...but it's not...it's very clear that she hates me. i don't hate her. i don't act like i hate her. i don't say hi to her because she doesn't even look at me. we said before...that we have to keep in contact after graduation...but even by that time, i think that we'd still be in the same situation we are now. i still remember the last time we talked. it was...in japanese class. well we didn't really talk. she sat across the room from me. we just communicated. *sigh* that was the last time that we ever laughed together. i remember she always tells me not to stare at her because it creeps her out...but then we always joke around about it. in japanese class i still can't help but look over at her...but i think she will just glare at me or something so i'm afraid of doing so. i think that thought i'm not her friend anymore...she should be the same person as she was before. people don't change that quickly...well i do but i don't think she has. the person that once used to be my bestfriend probably still exists.
todayy nichole was funny. she said "amanda lei ho duc yee ar"...then i said "but ur cuter" and she said "i was waiting for you to say that" lmao so cutee^^ nichole is such a true friend. i never ever expected that i'd ever be this close before. i remember last year i hated her so much and i never ever wanted to be friends with her. i told like everyone. now that i think about it, i can't believe that we hated each other because we were bestfriends with the same person. if neither of us were bestfriends with her...i think we would've been better off. nichole has so many other friends. i really admire her. she can move on so quickly...but i can't > <. nichole doesn't say that their friendship ended...nichole says that they are still friends. but...the thing is...nichole is smarter than me because she realized something way before i even did. she realized....that my ex bestfriend's actions are not true to her words. nichole always told me she always called nichole her "bestfriend" but she never actually treated nichole as one. and the only reason nichole called her a bestfriend too was just because she thought it was polite to say it back. wincy told me about this before. at first when i wasn't friends with nichole, i couldn't believe this. i thought nichole was really happy being bestfriends with her...since they've been bestfriends for so long. they've been bestfriends longer than i was bestfriends with her > <. but...i remember last semester...nichole knew everything that was going on...i guess. nichole either heard
