----------------------april 19, 2004-----------------------
today was a weird day
[10:50pm] oh man...i only have 10 minutes and then i have to take a shower. anyways, all i thought about today was smoking. seriously. like i really wanted to know what it was like. lol...and then i was stressing over what would happen if i got addicted or what if my parents find out. like i said before, i wanted to do it because i was depressed. the only person that could've persuaded me NOT to do it is my ex bestfriend. anyways, at 6:30 i went with cory. it was too windy at the pond so we decided to go other places. we finally found this alley so we tried smoking but then her lighter wouldn't work. so then we rode around for a while and then we decided to go ask people for lighters. we went to nancy's house first. omg it was so funny. i think her little sister kelly crashed into the door or something....cuz i heard running and then i heard a big BOOM!. hahaha so cute. her mom opened the door. we ask for nancy and she said nancy wasn't home...but she said it in mandarin which kind of bothered me. i mean not EVERYONE in the world knows mandarin u know...especially not ME. but for some reason i understood that so it's all good lol. i KNEW that nancy wasn't home...because i saw her in the car with lina...i just wasn't sure that it was her. anyways, then we hung out at the pond for a while...trying to get the lighter to work...but it really wouldn't. then we decided to ask quach. haha i went to quach's house to ask for matches...and then he kept asking me what it was for...and i LIED...i said it was for cory's science proj...cuz quach is in gr10...whatever science project i would have he would probably know about it. of course i didn't tell him we were planning to smoke. i'm not stupid LOL. lol...so quach kept stalling and calling cory a fob...then he finally got it. then we went to the bridge and we sat under it. we were scared of people coming. we lit like 10 matches but then they kept burning out. so we lit like 3 at the same time and we finally lit the cigarettes. haha...the cigarettes were like paper. it looked like LEAVES inside of it...and then the filter part was styrofoam. it was MALBORO. anyways...the first time i inhaled...i didn't feel anything. i thought i did something wrong but i didn't. i coughed a couple of times but it was just slightly. i didn't inhale that much each time so i didn't cough. i spit a couple of times tho. hahaha...the thing almost burnt my finger so i kept moving it up. we finished the cigarette in like less than 10 minutes. it was funny lolz. we both didn't feel anything. i don't think that i'm gonna get addicted...at least i hope not.
today in japanese was just FUNNY. we were doing presentations and then when jacky went up i SERIOUSLY wanted to BOO him lolz. then vivian went up. lol...i couldn't help it. i tried my best not to laugh. i felt so bad...i mean she was trying her best and then i was just there...trying not to laugh. her presentation was good tho^^ i clapped really loudly. haha mike's hair was so funny...he didn't wear his hat so it was all puffy. HAHA olivia wouldn't stop laughing -____-. lolz...then when he walked by...i stared at him and said "OH GEE MIKE...what were you doing on friday?" haha then he said that mr. hilmer caught him downstairs in the pit. mr hilmer hit him with something. HAHA...poor mike lol. MR. HOMICIDAL MANIAC was like directly 2 rows behind olivia and um-um...it was funny. he didn't have that murderous look on his face though. lolz...o well...and mike was directly 2 rows behind ME.
comm tech was funny. lolz...i was on friendster the whole period writing testimonials to people. i think i wrote like 20. lol anyways...there were a whole group of people around me. they started talking about daphne and tony wong and stuff..and then i coincidentally went to daphne's page. so then i showed them the pictures and they were all so disgusted. hahah but then they were like "u know who's worse than daphne? pauline WONG" haha then i went to HER page and especially vincent was like "EWWW". i'm surprised tho...i never knew that vincent was such a bad person lolz. right after someone said "pauline wong?" someone else said "GABRIEL?" and then that person was like "ya pauline wong kind of looks like gabriel". hahaha i didn't comment because gabriel is my friend. and then they kept debating over who was worse...pauline wong or daphne. so funny man...almost the EXACT same conversation as the one with ambross in it. so funny lol...i think that thing is like UNIVERSAL among gr10 guys. lolz...anyways...they started talking about kathleen and i REALLY did not want to hear so i just went to the washroom. i DO know that vincent was commenting tho.
anyways i gotta practice my talk show thing. i REALLY did watch oprah...but only for lik 10 minutes...i was WAYY too bored.
\listening to: lala love song (boa ft. soul'd out)
----------------------april 18, 2004-----------------------
WATERBOYS!!
[3:10pm] lol i'm so lazyy > <. since i keep downloading series and not watching them, i thought that i should watch them today so i can just delete them off my hard drive. i downloaded MOST of the series for waterboys. but when i downloaded the episodes, i wasn't really in the mood to watch them. i didn't think that the series was good...but it IS^^. it's really touching...some scenes...made me cry T___T. shindo, takahara, and tatematsu are my favorite characters^^. i just watched episode 6. takahara was learning how to swim. so touching > <...like he tried his best and he never gave up. and by the end of the episode, he was able to swim^^. so cute lolz. and then during the episode, he wanted to quit the synchro team because he didn't want to be a burden to everyone...but shindo convinced him not to. then...in episode 5, tatematsu wanted to quit the team because he wanted to concentrate on his studies. the whole team was disappointed in him but then they realized that the real reason was not just because of his studies, his mom was being hospitalized...so tatematsu felt guilty. but by the end, his mom got better and then tatematsu decided to continue being on the team. parts of the show are really sad...because no one really likes the synchro team...especially the teachers. they always want to ban it. but they work hard to convince people that they won't quit until they accomplish their goal. actually, i never thought [waterboys] would be this good. the reason why i saw this show in the first place was because i saw the movie. the movie was pretty good i guess...but it's not really that appealing to see guys dance around in swimsuits -____-.
\listening to: ai xiang shen me (comic boyz)
[10:32pm] don't really care about what happens to me anymore...i think...i should just smoke and get it over with. i want to try it so i'll just do it. i won't regret it...no matter WHAT happens. i'm kind of scared though...i'm scared i'll cough myself to death or something. i'm also scared of the smell getting into my clothes...so i have to be careful to hide it from them. i hope that they won't notice though. i guess that's what i'm really scared of. i hope that if i change clothes, i can get the smell out before i get home. i'll be SOOO guilty though. because i lied to some of my friends. but o well...it's ok. if they don't understand...they shouldn't be my friend. jk...um...if they don't understand...i'm not gonna take time explaining it to them. alot of things i do...i'm sure that they'll understand why i'm doing it. it's not just that i'm depressed...it's just that i don't really care about my life anymore. like all the people that would be against what i'm doing...aren't even my friends anymore...i THINK...or else they would never find out. right now...even though i'm losing alot of friends, for some reason...i dun think i really wanted to be friends with them in the first place. i mean...if i didn't feel this way, then i would be sad right now...but i'm not. i'm sad about losing my bestfriend...but that's all. other friends...like say nancy....i don't know why...but it's not bothering me that much. i remember before gr10 started, nancy and i were in a fight. and everyday...i found it hard to be happy because all i wanted was to talk to her again. i don't know why i don't feel this way now. i don't even PLAN to talk to nancy again...and unless someone mentions her...i don't really think about her. i think it's because i'm too preoccupied with my other problems. if i didn't have that ONE problem...i would be sad about something else right now. i think i've changed alot. i'm such a bitch now. of course...my friends probably won't see this...but then...i treat other people really badly. i really don't care about them. i guess i'm kind of purposely doing it. my life changed so much...just because of losing ONE bestfriend. i would be nice to all those people again...if only...i could be bestfriends with her again. i think i'm happier OVERALL when i'm bestfriends with her...but i don't change at all. i just stay the same. that's why...when we were apart from each other, so many things happened to me. the only thing that can end my depression is the only thing i can't do. the only thing that can end my depression is being bestfriends with her again. i suppose that i can just forget about her...but the pain will never completely go away...i will just stop thinking about it. if i STAY bestfriends with her...there's no way i could ever be this depressed about anything else that happens in my life. since we were apart...every possible bad thing has happened to me...it can't possibly get any worse than it is now. i don't know how i let someone like her control my life this much. my blog...my thoughts...my dreams...they are ALL about her. seriously. there's always a part of every entry that i mention her in some way. i regret ever meeting her...because if we never met, i wouldn't be in this situation right now. no one else has ever impacted my life as much as she did. no one else can manipulate my emotions like she did. i wish i can just stop thinking about it...i really do. first of all...i have to remember. "friends forever" is BS...it's COMPLETELY BS. that's because there's no telling what will happen in the future. also, i'll never trust anyone else that much ever again. i won't let my life depend on them to the point that i can't live without them. in other words...i'll never be bestfriends with anyone ever again. only one person can stop the stupid things i'll do...like smoke...but that person doesn't even care anymore...so i really have no reason to stop.
\\listening to: shelter (20th century)
-----------------------------------------------------------
++WATERBOYS
----------------------april 17, 2004-----------------------
yayyy...pitas works again!!! =)
[1:58pm] for a few days i couldn't update...that's because pitas was down...but now it's back^^ so i can update again. yesterday and today, i watched 4 episodes of [beach boys]. lolz i've had the episodes for a while now but i just didn't have time to watch it. it's a REALLY good jdrama...really touching > <. the quality of the video that i have isn't that good tho -___- it looks almost like it's black and white lmao. o wellz...it doesn't matter. i watch it and i delete it. i really need space on my computer -____- really running out > <. lolz...so now i'm deleting shows i don't plan to watch or shows that i downloaded for no reason. i downloaded [love letter] a few days ago. i thought this was the show that had yamapi in it...but it's not > < ARGGG....the one that has yamapi in it is called [LONG love letter] argggg > <...lol i'll go delete it later. i don't like watching unsubtitled shows unless there's an actor/actress in it that i like lol.
i have a problem. yesterday, cory asked me if i wanted to smoke with her on monday. i don't know...she wants to try it but she wants me to try it with her. i want to...but i can think of so many consequences. i mean...what if i can't get the smell out of my clothes before school ends? cory told me that i could just wear a jacket...but what if my parents find the jacket and realize there's a cigarette smell? i don't know. and also...i don't know what will happen if i just try it once. i could get addicted and for the rest of my life i could be smoking...and it could just be because of one stupid little mistake that i made. i WANT to try it though...i want to know what it's like. and it's also because i'm depressed. because i'm depressed...my life doesn't meant that much to me...i mean...i don't really care what happens to me. whatever happens to me...can't possibly hurt me more than i already am. but the only reason that i HAVE to smoke is because i'm depressed...but AFTER smoking...it's not like my depression will just go away. it'll never go away > <. i guess i just want some way to deal with everything that's going on right now...i just want to take my mind off my depression...even for a moment. if i smoke...i want to see if my ex bestfriend would actually care...but that's still a very stupid reason. i want to know if she would try to stop me or not. i want to do something that will get her attention. i just wonder if she will try to stop me...i doubt it though. i asked some people to get cigarettes for me. i asked...phil, nichole, and kathleen. i think...nichole was the nicest out of all of them. she agreed to ask kiki for me...but then, she discouraged me from smoking. she said she won't get mad at me though...just that she doesn't want me to. she didn't ask that many questions. then phil...he got pissed. he said i shouldn't even START. but then at the end he DID tell me where i could get them. then kathleen...kathleen was EVEN MORE pissed. she said "what's gotten into u" and then she kept swearing. geez...y are people so dramatic? they act like this is gonna change my life forever. anywayss i dun feel like typing anymore. if i smoke...i'm not smoking NOW...i'm smoking ANOTHER time.
i wish i could just tell her...i wish i could just tell her that i still care. even IF our friendship means nothing to her now...it still means something to me. i don't even understand why i'm still deperessed after all this time. this emotional pain...it's slowly killing me. when will this all end...when will i be ok again? >___< i've been like this for so long i don't even remember what it was like to be normal. i don't even remember what life was like when i WASN'T depressed. *sigh* sometimes i wonder, what she thinks about when she sees me. i know...that whenever i see her...i just want to cry. but i always hold back my tears because i don't want her to know that i haven't gotten over it yet. most likely...she probably doesn't feel ANY sadness at all when she walks by me. i don't think that she's a deep enough person to understand my feelings...although...all of those feelings involve her in some way. she'll never understand how i feel...and that's why we never quite got along. she should know...that the hardest thing for me is to tell her directly why i'm depressed. she should find out herself. it's kind of obvious. i wonder if she's ever read my blog before...i wonder if she'll ever cry if she reads it? i doubt it...even if i die...she won't cry for me...cuz that's what kind of person she is. everything i do...no matter how good my intentions are...always gives the wrong impression to her. i don't get it. i seriously don't know what to do anymore. gosh...i DON'T want to get revenge...i DON'T want to make her sad...and i DON'T want to trick her. shit man...we were bestfriends before...she should know this already. on april 2 and april 5, when i talked to her in japanese class, i had intentions of settling everything between us. i REALLY did. somehow...she took that the wrong way. i don't get it. after last tuesday or so...she started ignoring me again. wtf man..wtf is her problem > <. i never did ANYTHING. i tried my best...i really did. i thought that everything was going to be ok again but it's not. i don't even know what happened...what made her start treating me this way. april 2...to april 6 or so...we were ok. we talked online, we talked at school..everything was ok. then she started ignoring me again. WTF...it better not fucking be about cory. well that's cory's theory. a few days ago, cory and i went to the pond. i told her that kelly is ignoring me again...and she said she thinks she knows why. cory had broke up with her bf a couple of days ago...last saturday i think. she says that since my ex bestfriend is HIS friend...then maybe that's why she is ignoring me now. cory thinks that my ex bestfriend might be ignoring me because she thinks that i somehow influenced cory to break up with her bf. and she probably thinks that cory somehow influenced me to end our friendship. shit man...if that was true...then...i don't know what to do anymore. what the FUCK?! how am i affiliated with ANY of this?!?! i mean...honestly...i'm not that fucking manipulative to be able to tell people what to do...and neither would my friends try to manipulate me. i mean seriously...this OBVIOUSLY was 100% cory's decision...i mean she told me AFTER everything happened too. if she needed help, i would give her advice. but it's HER life...i'm not even gonna help her make decisions. there is no fucking way i am even affiliated with any of this. SERIOUSLY...i have my own fucking problems to deal with. i don't even know what to do about my OWN problems...so how could i tell OTHER PEOPLE how to deal with THEIR problems? omg > <. i swear...if she ignore me because of JUST that...i will slap her. seriously. that is just bs.
\listening to: all i want (sky)
----------------------april 14, 2004-----------------------
there's nothing left i can do so i might as well just give up
[9:53pm] i'm SOOOO tireddd. i got my needle a few hours ago. AHHHHH!!!!....actually it didn't hurt that much. i think....emotional pain hurts much much more than physical pain and that's why i didn't feel it that much. if i was 100% happy and i got that needle, it would hurt like hell...i know it. i was so scared of it before...then when i actually got it, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. i remember...hepatitus B shot...back in gr7...MAN that hurt like hell. i couldn't move my arm for like 2 weeks > <...when i lifted it up it hurt. but now...i can lift my arm up and stuff. i think it's just a bit swollen that's all. i had to wait so fucking long just to get like a 2 sec needle...it's like waiting in line for a wonderland ride lol. i HAVE to get it. now i can mail the stupid form in and i won't get suspended from school =). my friends make it sound like it hurts so much but really...it's not that bad. oh MAN that needle brought me back bad memories. right when i got that needle, i remember back to the time when my ex bestfriend always pinched my arm. it hurt like HELL...seriously > <...it hurts like 10x more than a needle...but it didn't leave a mark...at least not for long. i don't even remember why she did it...she just did > < and it HURT. but i never hurt her back before...at least not intentionally. she said i sprained her pinkie finger before but i don't even remember doing that.
last night, i studied until 3am for math. oh MANNNN i didn't know ANYTHING. stupid teacher...she didn't teach us much. the most important part of the unit...she wasn't here > <...a supply teacher had taught us. i guess he explained it ok...but he left a helluva lot of stuff out of it. so...i studied EVERYTHING. at 3am i had to go to sleep > <. holy shit....when i was studying, there was so many bad memories that came back to me too =(. i still have the teddy bear...omg > <...i don't know what to do with it. i like it...but it reminds me of too many things i don't want to remember. anyways...i only slept for 3 hours last night. i had to wake up at 6:15 to watch [ghost actress]. it's funny because it's been exactly 8 months since my brother told me about that movie. i remember that day, it was the day of the blackout...august 14, 2003. my brother told me the whole plot. it seemed so scary...the way he explained it. lol he's really good at storytelling. the movie itself....it was alright i guess. it looked so low budget lol...it came out in 1996. it was good i guess...lolz...it wasn't THAT scary...well some of the scenes were..but i was scared AFTER...not during. i was too sleepy to care lol. it was only an hour and 15 min long....lolz. it was good tho. so much suspense and thinking lol. i still don't know what was going on...cuz they don't explain ANYTHING. i'm too scared to talk about the movie right now tho > <.
i think i'm turning into a bitch...like even more. like today...in the beginning of english class, daniel was like "AMANDA!!" and i asked him why he call me like that...and he said i was mean for not ever waving at him. hmmm..i didn't know people take it that seriously. i mean i never had to face that situation before so i don't know how it feels. but it's not like i purposely do it...i just don't see him. yes i AM that blind. but it's not my fault. my arm hurts from waving at too many people. i should just ignore all of them. i saw nancy in the caf today...did not want to say hi to her so i just continued walking. i didn't want to say hi to her...i mean what's the point? maybe she was joking before...and she didn't mean it seriously...but still...that means that she doesn't take the friendship seriously then...and i don't want to waste my time on people like that.
anyways, in markville mall...i felt so many memories come back...ones that i don't want to be reminded of. first...it was when my brother and i were walking around. i remember on that day...the last day we hung out...she kept saying these embarrassing things to me and i kept walking away from her. then she got mad at me for doing that...saying that avoiding her hurts her more...so i should confront her if there's something wrong. *sigh*...what she said...i will always remember. our friendship was perfect that day...it really was. we settled all our problems and we started over. i just never guessed...that it went wrong so soon. on the last day we hung out...we understood each other the most. i thought things were gonna go well from then on...but it didn't. *sigh* if nothing happened then we would still be bestfriends today...but all that is destroyed. then...i went to radio shack. on that day...we walked by there...and i wanted to try the driving game. and then...she helped me with turning the steering wheel. T___t makes me cry > <...i was playing that game again today too. but instead of being at the FRONT of the store, it was at the side...but still in the front sort of. i remember on that day...i thought she was so skilled because how she hold the steering wheel. then...we walked to the sony store. i remember...we sat on the bench in front of it once and we were talking. then...i remember the janitor who walked by said "jo sun". and i remember...she left her coke sitting on the bench...and it spilled > <. today, when i went into the sony store...i almost cried. in the back, there are 2 seats that are there to watch the movies on the tv. we sat there. it was some chinese movie i remember. *sigh* so many bad memories huh. i don't remember...i think it was in front of music world that we sat too. i don't really remember tho. but i remember...when we sat in front of this store on the 2nd floor...it was very embarrassing. because...she was hugging me...and then people were walking by...looking at us weird. i think at that time...she didn't care...and neither did i. i ignored all those ppl. i was like "what are U looking at?!". i remember...that was the day she saw my belt too. THAT was embarrassing too. lol...don't want to describe it. this is all...crippling emotional pain...seriously...it really really hurts. even the sound of my belt almost makes me cry. cuz...i remember...this was the day that we settled our "fight"...january 21 i think. i was in my room, talking on the phone with her. we talked about our friendship. we both agreed that this was a bad time of the month for us...and that next month we should be more careful to avoid this happening again. ironic huh. there WAS no next month. then i remember...i was playing with my paul frank belt while i was talking on the phone with her. she kept saying it sounded like chopsticks -____- i don't know. so...everytime i hear that sound...i remember that phonecall *sighs* well i gotta go study now. i DID write something on that day when it happened though. i don't know if i should put it here or deadjournal.
\listening to: music for the people (v6)
----------------------april 13, 2004-----------------------
friends are NOT easy to lose...and if they are, then they aren't real friends.
[12:03am] can't write much right now...have to go study for math test before i sleep. LMAO today i WASN'T procrastinating. i slept after school, then i woke up because my unfinished homework was REALLY bothering me (i even got a headache). so i did my kazoku project for japanese class. oh man....that thing took me like 5 hours...but for lik 2 hours i was talking to olivia on the phone. lmao...so funny on the phone man. "touching person" hahaha i meant to say "tell me what it is and i'll decide if it's touching or not" LMAO....i have NO idea how i came up with "touching person" o wellz. loll she's gonna add it to the board tml i SWEAR lol > <. i gotta write the stuff down from that board and then post it here. hahaha i love that thing...they're ALL inside jokes...so i don't know how many people will understand it. we find it funny...i guess that's what matters =). like NO ONE else gets it except for us lol. anywaysss after that, i had to work on my kazoku project again for 3 hours. man...it was so hard. my hand actually HURTS from using so much whiteout. i mean like...my whiteout is almost out and so i have to really press hard to get the whiteout to come out. T___T it hurts > <. i made SO MANY mistakes. i think i should really take a deep breath before i write hiragana lol. man i made this big mess...have to clean it up later...BEFORE i study =P. omg the STUPIEST thing happened to me. i was attempting to clean up by throwing things around to random places (that didn't work very well). i threw my eraser hoping that it would land on the table....but instead....it landed in my cup of milk > <. holy shit man...what are the chances of that?! i wasn't even aiming it > < oh man i really have bad luck. when i saw it fly in the air, i was like "it probably won't land in my milk" and it did...-____- SHITTT. i don't know if i should still use my eraser though. i took the paper part off tho. loll this goes on my list of "stupidest things i ever done". oh yess....kathleen was saying something today. she was trying to say "rape verbally" but instead she said "rape vertically" LOL i have no idea why she said either of them > < they're so disturbing lolz. then i said to kathleen "i wanna rape you vertically AND horizontally". lmao it's in HER nn [stupid amanda... Do NOT rape me vertically...not that i'm giving u the option of horizontally either...] lmaoz. hahahaha rape verbally is like phone sex isn't it? i don't know LOL actually...i WOULDN'T know. today, during 3rd period, i was "going to the washroom" so then i ended up walking in the business hall. when i walk back, some person says "HI" right in my ear. i don't even know him...i don't think so. i kept walking then i looked back and just glared at him. that HURT > < omggg. lolz...nice way of making friends huh. LOL i saw herman again today. he was just standing over the ledge.
today i saw EVERYONE i stop being friends with. oh...not fun...not fun at all. i mean...people i actually go out of my way to avoid. after 3rd period, when i was walking to my locker, and while i was in the main hallway, i saw nancy. i don't really want to talk to her right now. i mean...it's awkward and until i find out the reason why she made that phonecall i am NOT communicating with her. so then, instead of risking walking past her, i went through the lockers for a while. i basically made a BIG turn and then ended back on that same hallway again. then...i saw her again...i think she was walking the opposite direction...WHAT THE SHIT MAN...WHAT THE SHIT > < !!!! i really don't want to see her right now. then she walk by me and she tried to smile at me but i just gave her this inchy look. i mean...WHY?! that's just mo liu...you can't just stop talking to someone for a long time and then expect that you can be friends with them just like that. cuz i am not the kind of person to have friends like that. i don't know if nancy knows this or not. i don't think she knows how pissed off i was when i got that phonecall. i think she thinks i take it as a joke...i DO NOT TAKE THINGS AS A JOKE. cuz...no time...> <. ok...then i saw jacky. now THIS is what's weird. i saw him, and we almost bump into each other...and then he just stopped abruptly and then he ran away from me. HAHAHAHA he's scared of me. LMAO i didn't know i was that much of a bitch > < LOL!!!!! that's just funny. i think he realizes that i dun want to be his friend. i make it obvious. like i am so inchy to him. online...i ignore his messages. why SHOULD i talk to him? he's not a true friend. after what happened on feb.26...i will never forget that. he is a cocky mofo...and i can back that up with so much evidence. in my japanese binder i think i wrote it more than 10 times...because it REALLY REALLY bothers me. i HAVE to try my best in japanese...just to beat him...that's my goal. i am not letting some fob beat me. i know japanese since i was little...so i am not letting anyone beat me (competitive aren't i). and then if he DOES beat me he's gonna brag non-stop. that is why he is a stupid mofo. anyways...the third person is a. chow. i hate to do this i really do. ok a. chow and i used to be bestfriends -___- we really were. only for a little while tho. i told him all my problems and he actually gave me good advice. then...something went wrong. i don't know. friendships that start really fast END really fast too and that is the TRUTH loll. he just turned into a jerk. he really did. i TRIED to talk to him all this time. for like a month he was busy with homework. then...i just gave up. he's the stupidest person to talk to. it's like he's trying to make me jealous but it doesn't work because i'm NOT A JEALOUS BITCH. the things he says...it's really obvious it's trying to make me jealous...but HOW THE HELL DO I GET JEALOUS > < i don't know. so anyways, since like...march break he keeps messaging me...and of course, i don't answer. i NEVER ever reply...and he's messaged me like....more than 20 times since i last talked to him. i don't want to waste time talking to a friend like him...and i wish he would just get the hint. i don't like to tell people directly that i don't want to be their friend. he made a new account and he added me > <. i HAD to add him...because i am not that much of a bitch.
lol today, olivia DID call me a fob > <. then people treat me differently (is it because of my dyed hair). i don't know...they treat me like a fob. this girl start talking to me in cantonese and i was like "WHO DO U THINK I AM" loll cuz before, she always spoke english to me but it's just that today she acts so different to me. i don't think the color is THAT noticeable. it's like light brown. oh ya...right before i went into the comm tech classroom, i went to go see nichole. it was like "hi nichole" *turns around* "WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT?!?! o.....it's tenchi" holy shit his hair is funny...it looks like....he accidenally poured syrup on his head and he's trying to make it look like he spiked it up. shit man...when u spike ur hair up U DO NOT USE GEL...MAN PEOPLE ARE STUPID. u use CLAY > < shitttt > <. gel has like a SHINE to it...that's not good > <. anyways, that made my day....so funny....lol i think that nichole made fun of him too. anywaysss i gotta study for math test now.
\listening to: arigatou no uta (v6)
----------------------april 12, 2004-----------------------
things i don't want to remember // things i can't bear to forget
[1:03pm] i'm so boreddd. nothing to do...and nothing to watch for now. i wanna go to peachtree with cory...so i'll call her later. woke up at 10:30am today. i have this feeling that there is school but i'm just not going. hmmmm...don't know lol. my mom woke me up this morning but i told her that there was no school today. it IS easter monday...so don't know. if they're IS school i'm in shit lol. o well...miss one day is nothing. i have homework to do. SHIT man...don't want to do it at all...(still procrastinating) lolz. i wanted to finish it on thursday but then i haven't actually started yet. oh ya...i watched episode 2 of [aishiteruze baby] WAAAAA..so touching > <...i cried. it's really really cute. i recommend it^^ i really do lolz. i also watched episode 1 of [midori hibi] it's pretty good...i remember reading the beginning of the manga before. anyways...school tomorrow =) ack...i'm so bored. nothing to type about lolz.
___
kragamuffin
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4 leaders
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sawrenai
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kazujin
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yamapi
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NEWS
___
hasejun
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++MIDORI NO HIBI
this anime is about a guy who has trouble getting a gf. then one day he wakes up with a girl as his right hand. turns out that this girl is one of the only girls that has a crush on him.
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++TACKEY&TSUBASA
tackey & tsubasa will be releasing an album entitled [2wenty 2wo] which is going to be out on april 28. this is their second album. their debut album [hatachi] was released on september 11, 2002. when [hatachi] came out, both tackey & tsubasa were 20 years old, hence the name [hatachi] which means "20 years old". now, when [2wenty 2wo] is released, they're both 22 years old. anyways, this album comes in 2 versions: the regular press and the first press. the first press includes a photobook. in all there is 14 tracks to this album but i haven't found the full tracklisting yet. [2wenty 2wo] will be released a day before their concert tour starts. yayy...can't wait ^__^
lol since i didn't get the [one day one dream] single, i'll probably get this album. but i don't know if i can afford it or not -____-. hahaha i haven't really been that obsessed with t&t lately. i don't think i even listened to all the songs of [one day one dream] yet. but i will eventually. below i put the tracklisting. this is the cd cover for the regular press. the first press cover has both their faces, but i can't find a nice pic of that yet. note: those aren't ALL the tracks in the cd.
1. Yume Monogatari
2. Kaze (Takki)
3. Love and Tough (Tsubasa)
4. Futari no Yoru (Takki)
5. Go On (Tsubasa)
6. Ikiteru Akashi
7. One Day, One Dream
8. Sotsugyou (one version)
9. Pride ? the End
10. Diamond
11. You & 1
----------------------april 11, 2004-----------------------
[2:41pm] at my cousin's house right now...nothing to do at all. i think i'm gonna be here for a while...possibly the whole day. lol so the only thing i can think of doing right now is updating my blog. lolz...whenever i'm on someone else's computer i always don't know what to do...because at home, all i do is download and listen to music. i never actually spend time on websites. so anyways, i'm using my cousin alex's computer right now...it's in his room. i've only been to this house like...4 or 5 times and then all those times i've been in the basement and on msn. but then, i had to go on alex's computer this time...actually it looks alot better. i've never seen the upstairs of their house until today. i guess it's pretty nice. alex's room is small but it's nice > < lol i wish i had a computer in my room...but the only thing i have is my laptop...which rarely works on the second floor. the last time i went here was during the last few days before summer...a few days before school started. hmm...i think that i was different back then. i didn't know what to expect out of grade 10...i guess i never knew that all this was gonna happen to me. i never expected things to change so much for me this year. i mean...i thought that i was gonna be friends with her forever...but i guess that would never happen. it's not that i'm still depressed...it's just that...she really affected my life...like every aspect of it. i mean...these days, everywhere i go, everything i do, i always get reminded of her...because that's how close we were before. like even when i'm here...at my cousin's house i sitll get reminded of memories. i remember during the beginning of grade 9...on september 25, me and her were supposed to go watch [swimfan] but at the last minute, i cancelled because my mom wanted me to go to my cousin's house. coincidentally, the following year, SHE was the one that had cancelled at the last minute. so i remember that day...i felt so bad because i couldn't go. so then when i went to my cousin's house, i spent like the whole day talking to her on msn. my cousin's computer didn't even HAVE msn and so i had to download it first. i remember...i change my nn to diss my cousin annie and then she asked me about it. gosh...that was a fun day. i wish i had saved that conversation though. now that i'm back here again...about a year and a half later...i still remember that day...and how happy we were back then. everything reminds me of her...seriously > <. i'm surprised that i haven't gone crazy yet. that day, when i went to pmall with winnie, i had to stay in markville mall for a while and wait. right when i walked in, i got reminded of the day me and her went to the mall. it wasn't that long ago either. i remember when i went with her, it was the first time that i had gone to markville mall that early. i still remember how bright the sun was that day...and how empty the mall was. i never would've expected though...that that memory would be our last. that day was the last time that we ever hung out with each other again. *sigh*...sad huh. but i'm being sad for nothing. nothing is ever gonna change between us now because things have gone too far. there is no going back to the way we used to be. everything happened already and there's no way to change that. i'll bet that...she probably forgot all our memories by now...every one of them. whatever i do, i can't ever be her friend again. i tried...she just doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. so there's no point in reminiscing...because it just makes me sad. the only thing left is memories...there IS no future. last week, i thought that there was a chance for us to become friends again...i thought that everything was going to be ok...but then i realized that she has changed too much to let that happen. i even TOLD her i was depressed...but i didn't tell her the reason though. i said something that made it really obvious...and if she didn't get that...i don't know how else to explain it to her. obviously...what else could i be so depressed over? i mean...like...when i lose friends i don't really care. but when i lost HER as a friend...it greatly impacted my life. the reason...is that...i was never as close to any of my other friends as i was with her. i mean...we had so many memories together...so that's why it hurts so much to be reminded of them now. other people don't understand why she was so important to me. it's because i was so emotionally attached to her. we were the best of friends. like...we were the closest that friends could ever be. all that bad shitt that we had gone through...that made our friendship even better. that's why it hurts so much right now. it's hard for me to say that...she is replaceable...and that i will find a new bestfriend soon. because that is just impossible. nothing could ever replace her. i COULD find another bestfriend...but it will never be the same. i don't know...i don't know if i can just forget about her and move on. so the reason why i'm so emotionally attached to her is because i still remember...the laughter...and the tears. i still remember everything that made our friendship so special > <. arg...ok enough bitching for now.
yesterday, i went to fairview mall with my brother. it was so fucking crowded there omg > <...it took us like 15 min to find a parking spot. my brother said that it's probably because the day before was Good Friday. lol...it's just like ONE day that the mall closes..i mean....people aren't missing anything. so...we went to the arcade > < so crowded there too. we played some gun game...which wasn't that fun because i hate reloading. i played capcom vs. snk. it was hard to play on the right side because i'm always used to playing on the left side. but i know how to do the supermoves now...which is good^^. some person challenged me right when i was fighting bison. i didn't look at that person's face though. i kept turning around and telling my brother to play for me...but he was too busy playing his own game. i thought that this person was good because they were challenging me. lol...they also took time to choose their characters. but then soon i realized that this person sucked. lol i mean...he really sucked > <...i think i beat all his characters with ONE of my characters. lmao...o wellz. usually the people that challenge me are good. so anyways, we went to check what movies were playing. we wanted to watch [passion of the christ] but then it was sold out. duhhh...it's easter weekend > <. freaks...i'll bet that it'll still be in theatres by the time it's summer. so then, we went all the way to STC. i hadn't played initial D in a while and so i wanted to play. the first game, i BEAT my brother hahaha. we challenged each other but then he soon realized that my car was faster than his. then we went to watch [alamo]. i bought stuff at bulk barn and my brother bought stuff at that bourbon chicken place. [alamo] SUCKED. holy shit it SUCKED. omg > < it was so fucking boring. after like an hour or so i was like falling asleep. lol AFTER, my brother told me it was a docudrama > <...arg wtf...i never knew that it was based on a true story. it was such a stupid movie > <. so then after we went home.
i spent the rest of the day watching anime...i really did > <. i don't even remember all the anime that i watched. but i remember that i watched [nurse witch komugi] it was GOOD...so kawaii lol...i made screenshots of it > <...so many too. i'll post some later...when i get home. hmm...i downloaded alot of stuff but then i didn't watch any of them. i downloaded [farewell firefly] episodes 7 + 8. it looks good...i haven't watched that show since...like last year around this time. the site released episodes 1 - 6 but then they stopped. i don't really remember everything that happened yesterday, because by the time i went to sleep, i had gotten such a big ass headache. i slept at like 5am...i don't even remember what i was doing. i didn't do much though > <. i was gonna watch the chinese movie on omni2 but then i realized it was a china movie. lmao...you could TELL that the movie was supposed to be in mandarin. first of all, HK wouldn't make movies like that...and second of all, the mouths weren't moving with the words...so it was just DUBBED in cantonese. lmao...so instead of watching a stupid movie like that, i called olivia and i talked to HER. haha apparently, she has something against those shows too. she told me that her mom spent all day watching TVB shows from the 80's. LMAO the fashion was so horrible back then...and the hairstyles too > <...arg what is wrong with those chiggas > <. i talked to her for a while and then i just watched animes again. oh ya...i kept getting distracted > <...so that's why it took me so long to finish watching an episode. i was watching [bakuretsu tenshi] and then i kept pausing it because i wanted to check out websites. lol...that show is pretty good...it takes place in the future. it was like...they made weapons legal to carry around. so stupid tho > <...the person even said that the crime rate went up but the arrest rate went down. so that means that criminals would be killed already. lolz...i made screenshots for [bakuretsu tenshi] too but then i kept writing "tenchi" HAHAHAHA....bad habit lol. because of the notes that i always write to olivia. OH YA...now i remember what i was doing until 5am...i was making screenshots > <. like...before today, i couldn't make screenshots from .wmv files...well at least not on virtualdub. i COULD on irfanview but then everytime i stop to make a screenshot, i have to close the entire program > <...so not very efficient. so then i just download media converters (holy shit it took me so long to find). so i download this program to convert my .wmv files into .mpg files. the .mpg version isn't that much different from the .wmv version though. it's just...a slightly bigger file size...that's all. i thought the quality of it would improve but not really > <. however, i was able to make screenshots tho^^. i think the program is called [tmpgen] argg....i can't spell it...the name is just a bunch of letters. so ya...i was just making screenshots. holy shit making screenshots is hard work > <. like on virtualdub, especially with anime episodes, it's hard to get the exact screenshot you want because it's either too slow or too fast. and then, you have to copy + paste it into [paintbrush] and then...it saves at .bmp so then you have to close and open the program again to change it to .jpg. i'm pretty sure you can do the same on adobe photoshop too but then i hateeee photoshop > <...i don't suck at it but then...i just don't like it. it slows down my whole computer > <...so that's why i don't use it. and then, for me, the scratch disk is always full -___-;; because i have too many files on my computer. so for now, i'll just be simple and use paintbrush. i don't use it to mod pics tho...i actually use photoshop^^. in comm tech, i didn't learn ANYTHING...but it's just that...everyday i just stare at that program (rarely doing anything) and then i just kind of got used to it. i understand how to do everything tho..i'm just too lazy to make something creative lol. screenshots are fun to make...and i've gotten better and better at it =). i've seen sites that have screenshots...they just...suck > < i'm sorry. it's just that those pictures don't have good quality...and it's probably because the video wasn't of good quality either. hahaha i don't know...it's just not very nice. i could do better^^ but then i just don't have time to make a real website > <. and then when i DO have time, i'm just lazy.
my aunt was just talking to me right now. she asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. she told me to be a doctor and cut people open (believe me this sounds better in cantonese)...and then i said that i'm scared of blood. and then i said that being a lawyer is much better...but i want to be a director. hahaha and then she said that only american directors are successful...i guess that's true. and then she told me that my cousin's computer has alot of chinese shows on it. i told her...that i don't like HK shows...i only like TW shows. and it's true > <...it really is. even the HK shows i have in mandarin...so what is the point > <. i used to hate watching shows in mandarin...but i guess i gotten used to it. every show i have on my computer and laptop are either in mandarin or japanese > <. it's hard to find shows in cantonese...except for movies. most of the TW dramas i have...well...they don't have subs...so i kind of have to rely on how much mandarin i know > <. i never even learned it though...well i DID but it was so horrible so i dropped out. i didn't know mandarin when i was little (obviously). then i had to go to mandarin school and like START at a very high level > <...i think it was like halfway. i learned more than in cantonese school tho...cuz of the pressure. like they expect you to understand it > <. i think more people just came...lol...everything just got louder. shit man...seriously > <...if ur inside a house u don't have to talk THAT loud > <.
ahhh i really have nothing to do > <. oh ya...the other day, when i was talking on the phone with olivia, i asked her "if i went to your school, do you think that we would be friends?" and she said we would...but i don't exactly think so. like...my ex bestfriend went to the same school as her...but then, not alot of people like her. but then people like me...who met her when HS started, don't see her flaws at all. so like...if i went to ramerwood...would i still be friends with those people? i don't know...i don't have that many flaws. i think i really AM blind to see the flaws that my ex bestfriend has...because to this day, i still don't notice it. anyways, she and i aren't that different. we share alot of the same experiences. in public school, i didn't have alot of friends > <. so...hahaha i asked olivia what is so different between me and her. she said that there were alot of differences, but i don't really think so. so funny what olivia said...i don't know if she did it purposely or accidentally. she said that "she's NOT a slutty hoe" and then she realized what she just said. hahahaha maybe olivia IS her friend. i don't think that olivia hates her as much as she says she does. i think she just hates her because of the depression that she caused me. lol then i asked her again...and she did it again...she said "she's NOT cocky". hahahahhaa...i think it's a psychological thing. if she did that purposely...i guess there's no harm in that, but if she did it accidentally, ESPECIALLY twice...then i think that inside, olivia doesn't hate her...or maybe she THINKS that but then really, she has nothing against her^^. anyways, i'll type more later.
\\listening to: ai xiang shen me
[10:23pm] just watched episodes 7 + 8 of [farewell firefly] mannn i haven't watched that in like a year. it's so good...made me cry so many times > <. it's either really touching or really depressing...so that's why it makes me cry. episode 7 takes place right after xu ying got into a car accident. the guy who hit her, named jia xi...is this successful businessman. he feels responsible for her condition, so he takes care of her. in that episode, he is always by her side, trying to wake her up from her coma. he's concerned about her health, but his fiancee is concerned because xu ying is the spokesperson for their company. so then, at one point, when jia xi was talking on the phone, gu zi qian came in and tried to wake her up. this guy likes her but he has trouble expressing his feelings properly...-___- he has a very bad temper. so anyways, gu zi qian apologizes to her...and then it was so dramatic that when he cried, a teardrop landed on her face. at this point, xu ying is about to wake up, but then gu zi qian leaves because he hears jia xi coming back. so then jia xi sees that teardrop on her face and he suspects that she is waking up. xu ying wakes up and then she is holding his hand. she asks if he was the one that was talking to her all this time, and he said "yes". so then, jia xi's fiancee comes in and then he like lets go of her hand right away. then they go outside to talk and jia xi tells his fiancee that he wants to postpone the wedding because he has to take care of xu ying. jia xi is pissed off but then she still agrees. because of the accident, xu ying lost her memory so then, the only person she knows is jia xi. xu ying doesn't really mind that she lost her memory because jia xi is by her side. one day, xu ying goes back to work. she is a model for this commercial. in the commercial, she is supposed to cry but then she can't. jia xi's fiancee explains to her that in the past, alot of unhappy things happened to her, but then after she lost her memory, she doesn't have to remember those things anymore. so then ah ying goes home and then she's flipping through the photo albums for her photoshoots...and she can't seem to figure out why she was so sad back then. then, it's the day of jia xi and his fiancee's wedding. during the wedding, she stopped the wedding, saying that she wants to think things over first. in truth, she knew that her bf was starting to like xu ying. after that, jia xi's dad is yelling at him...telling him if he chooses xu ying, he won't consider him a son anymore. oh ya...this is going into episode 8. so basically, jia xi wants to get over all his troubles, so he takes xu ying to this town somewhere outside of taipei (i think). what they both don't know is that xu ying was born there. she keeps saying how everything seems so familiar to her. while they're there, they stay at this inn. they soon find out that the inn has hardly any business and so, it's gonna close down soon. since xu ying likes this town so much, jia xi bought the inn for her...and together with the other workers, they run the inn. the inn gets more publicity and so, there are more people that come. one day, an old friend of xu ying, named an ting, comes with her friend to visit. it's weird how they come to the exact same inn they're working at -___-. so anyways, an ting is an old friend of xu ying AND gu zi qian. at first, she is shocked that xu ying doesn't remember her, but soon she finds out that xu ying had lost her memory. they soon become friends and xu ying's lost memory doesn't matter that much to her. in the end of the episode, xu ying faints after a flashback that she has. she was in a bar and then she saw this guy playing the saxophone, and it reminds her of the days that gu zi qian used to play for her. shit man...i wrote so much > <. o well.
\\listening to: wo hu xi ni (vic chou)
___
farewell firefly
-----------------------------------------------------------
++FAREWELL FIREFLY
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++NURSE WITCH KOMUGI
----------------------april 9, 2004-----------------------
[1:06am] lol technically it's a new day and so that's why i'm making a new entry. *sighs* i was just reading something just now. it was something i wrote a year ago yesterday. basically, i was depressed...just like now. i should've just gave up last year...seriously. why did i be friends with her again? ok...i think last year, we were much more distant from each other than we were now...but it's just that this year...it's actually because of a reason. last year...i don't know what fucking happened. we just...stopped talking. like even to this day i haven't asked her why she did that to me. we were bestfriends one day, then she stops talking to me and starts hanging out with her other friends and ignoring me. literally...she ignored me. i mean...how could bestfriends become lik...strangers without any reason at all? she ignored me in halls, in class, and even online too. i started hating her. i really did. i mean...what kind of bestfriend would do that > <. i was a true friend to her, i seriously was. i don't think she even knew how depressed i was last year. i was even worse than this...because that was the first time that i ever had to go through depression...and i would've never guessed that a "bestfriend" could cause me to suffer so much. now, i guess i'm less naive than i used to be...but i still have intentions of being her friend again...even though i shouldn't. i don't even understand what happened...like...between march...until the end of june, we weren't really friends. i mean...a few days she would talk to me online to ask me about homework...then...there were these days where i was so confused. like...she would hang out with me as if we were bestfriends and i was really puzzled...because...why would someone who ignored me for all this time suddenly treat me like nothing ever happened? that's just stupid. i don't care if she says that we were bestfriends since grade 9...that's bs...we were bestfriends for like 2-3 months in grade 9...then we stopped talking...and then we were bestfriends for a few months again in gr10...and then now we AREN'T bestfriends. i was so confused back then. because i didn't know what was going on...i didn't know why she was so mean to me...and i really wanted to know if we were bestfriends anymore. i just assumed that nichole was her bestfriend...because that's who she always talked to and hung out with. i guess true friendship IS unspoken...which means that if we were bestfriends...she didn't have to say it...because we'd both just know. but that is bs...because i really didn't know back then. i was like WAITING for her to say that word...waiting for her to just say that i was her bestfriend cuz i seriously didn't know if we were or not. she said it like ONCE...in may sometime last year...but then that was it. anyways, i don't think i should've became bestfriends with her again...i didn't know that it would cause me so much depression. i mean...i have to remember...the person who made me so depressed and the person who was my bestfriend are the SAME person. if she could pretend we were strangers last year...she is capable of doing it this year too...and she IS doing that. sure...i WAS happy being her bestfriend...but...it wasn't worth it...for all this depression. i'm sure she has no idea what happened last year...or even knows that i was depressed...i doubt she even knows that i'm depressed NOW. i don't know...i guess it looks like i'm happy...because i'm always so high...but then i do that to try to get over my depression. there's no point...in being sad over someone...who would never take the time to consider your feelings. last week, i was really caving...i really wanted to be her friend again and i thought that our friendship was actually progressing. but then i realize...that the problems in my life aren't that easy to solve...there is always something that goes wrong. it hurts > <...but now i know for sure that she never wants to be my bestfriend again. omfg man...look how she is treating me. i mean...my friends wouldn't care if i cave...even though they said they would. they would understand...seriously. they're just afraid that i will be depressed again because of her. shit man...she acts like...she has to stay a distance away from me or else my friends would beat her up. i have like GOOD INTENTIONS...it's not like some fucking game...where i just ACT like i wanna be her friend again and then make her cry or something. i wouldn't do that to HER...i would do that to like lily. honestly...i treated her as a bestfriend before...and it's not like i'm gonna be a bitch to her now that we're NOT bestfriends. besides...i never fucking said that we aren't bestfriends anymore...she did. before that...what i thought was that...this was just another stage in friendship...where we have to be apart for a while...but then it's not. it's actually like...the end. right now...it's like..."accepting that i lost a bestfriend and that this is the end". if there's no chance things could progress again...then i shouldn't even try.
\listening to: typhoon generation (arashi)
*Not All Scars Show* *Not All Wounds Heal* *Sometimes You Can't Always See* *The Pain Someone Feels*
[10:12pm] watched anime like all day. i was gonna get screenshots for most of them, except for [kono minikuku mo utsukushii sekai]. i TRIED...but the program won't work for that show for some reason. anyways, watching [monster] now.
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++RAGNAROK - the anime
i saw this today and it's pretty good. i never played the game before tho...so don't really understand what's going on. anyways, it's a good anime.
____OPENING
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++AISHITERUZE BABY
just saw this. it has a really really touching story. kippei, a high school student, has to take care of yuzuyu (i think that's her name) who is this 5 year old girl. her mom left her so that's why kippei has to take care of her. most of kippei's classmates used to think that he was just a player, but when they see how well he takes care of that child, they begin to change their impression of him.
___OPENING
___ENDING
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++DIGI CHARAT
----------------------april 8, 2004-----------------------
dying my hair~~
[6:26pm] today i saw PERLMAN!! loll...first time i've ever seen him in my life. lol he's david's little brother and he's in my grade. hmmm i didn't really expect him to look like that though. he's like a few inches taller than david, and he's growing a rat's tale. also...his head is huge lol...and his hair is badly gelled up lol...unlike david's. i never expected his little brother to look like that in person. well i've always known what he looked like because david once sent a picture to me...but i never expected that he would look like THAT. i thought that he would be shorter than david, since he IS his little brother. lol i was surprised that cory didn't realize that it was him. lol i only showed olivia and grace. i don't think the other people realized that he was PERLMAN because he looks alot like david.
today, i didn't finish the TIPS assignment so in the morning before i went to class, i asked kathleen for help. kathleen had math last sem so i hoped that she still had that sheet with her. she was looking for it for a long time but then found that she didn't have it. then, she asked me to give the sheet to her and then get it back after 1st period. during 1st period, i was all tense because i didn't know if i could make it in time back to math. i mean...i had to go from the 3rd floor to the 1st floor and then back up again...all in 5 minutes. so then, when i went down there, i was a few minutes early and so i saw kelly and pauline W standing at kathleen's locker and talking. this was a weird situation for me because i thought that pauline HATED kelly. so then, i was just joking around when i asked kelly if she skipped...and she got so offended omg > < wtf. so then...when kathleen came, i yelled "KATHLEEN U BITCH!!" and then both of them were laughing and then i just left. oh and kathleen gave my sheet to katy already...who was in my class, so i did all that work for nothing > <. loll i guess kathleen is friends with her now...she even said that kelly had hugged her loll. when i got to math, katy gave me my sheet. she seemed so...pissed off i don't know...it's like....she's so shocked that i told someone else to do my work. omg > < that stupid sheet was so hard to do > < even my brother didn't understand it.
waaaaa my hair...waaaaa looks so orange LOL > <. loll for ONCE a lot of the color actually shows up^^.
today my ex bestfriend didn't talk to me...except for that time...but she HAD to because we were standing so close to each other. other times, i guess she can "pretend" like she didn't see me. that's immature though. i WANT to say hi to her...but like...she looks so inchy i don't really want to. so uh....i just continued with my own life. like OBVIOUSLY that upset me a little bit...i mean like...why is she being so cold to me? i thought we were talking already...there is no need for silent treatment. this morning, i WANTED to start a conversation with her but she seemed so offended with whatever i said so i just gave up. in japanese class it was the same too. wtf is her problem > <. like yesterday, i tried to talk to her. didn't work at all > <. and then when she DID look at me...she gave me this mean look. olivia even noticed that she looked a little pissed off. but what did i do? NOTHING...
anyways i'll write more later.
\listening to: wo hu xi ni (vic chou)
[9:00pm] just finished talking on the phone with olivia. think i talked to her for like 2 hours lol. anyways, i think i'm colorblind...my hair is not orange...it's like light brown > < omgg. it's getting lighter everytime i check it. oh ya...today...i saw herman like 3-4 times and we said hi to each other all those times. it's weird because...we're not even friends. like we don't know each other loll...just like me and kiki...we LOOK like close friends but in truth, we never ever talked to each other before...i mean like a serious conversation. we just say hi to each other lol. the first time, herman walked by me...and then like i looked at him weird and then i stopped...and then he stopped too and then he just waved. lmao~~ every 3rd period i say hi to derek, kalam, and conrad...but like...i don't even KNOW derek and kalam...they just know ME lol. i know that olivia is derek's sister tho. i guess...whenever i talk to a friend in a group...i always have to know all the other people in that group too...even though i don't intend to. i dunno....i'm not the kind of person that would hang out in a group...even though i do. it's not really my thing lol. i mean...whenever i hang out in a group, i'm always close with a FEW people...then the rest i don't even know them. like for example, i've actually made an effort to get to know olivia, catherine, and carrie better, but the other people...i don't know. i never talk to them. they're just there...existing lol. so...i've never been in a group where they're ALL my friends. like...even when i hung out with cory...i always had to meet all her friends too...which was weird. like we all know each other because while i talk to cory, i also have to say hi to them...just to be nice. i don't know. i prefer having only like ONE friend...haha i don't know why. like...hanging out in a group and hanging out with ONE person are completely different things. i learned this. like...the conversations are completely different. when you talk to only one person, you can talk to them about more serious things. but when you talk to a group, it's always small talk because not everyone would want to join into a serious conversation. loll that's what i think. in my life, i don't think i ever had any intentions of making friends...LOL...people who think that having alot of friends will make them happy are insecure. it's true. having a friends that you're close with is better than having ALOT of friends that you barely know. hahaha i'm not nice to everyone i know...that's true. because some of them are just not worth being friends with. and since they are bitchy to me then it's ok for me to be bitch back at them. i hate some people too...but there's a difference from last year. last year i hated people because i had bad first impressions with them...meaning that i hate them but then i wasn't even friends with them to start with. this year...all those people became friends with me...like nichole lol. this year...i hate people that WERE my friends before. people like lily try to apologize...but like...it's pretty fucking obvious that i don't want to be her friend again. same with all the other people too. if i don't reply them on msn then it REALLY means that i hate them lol. some people stop replying in msn conversations...but then they are just mean. i do that too...but i have a really good reason for it. it's either...they're annoying me or they're depressing me. wow...i should really learn what the word "forgive" means LMAO.
this morning, cory told me that nancy called her. nancy wanted to ask cory to go to peachtree center. then cory told me that nancy had also called me, but my mom said i wasn't home. lol..man my mom is great^^. hahaha i was actually sleeoing =). if my mom gave me the phone, it would've been like that day. i would've gotten a headache too. but seriously...why would nancy mo duen duen call me...i mean we haven't talked for WEEKS. she called me on march 29 and that gets my award for 'stupidest phonecall ever'. but we didn't even talk for a few days BEFORE that. so why call me now? lol...i wouldn't even like answer. i would be like "hello---*hangs up*" or "do you know how many people know about aa-- *hangs up*". lmao so mean...but i'd really do that. it annoys me so much. if she calls me again...i don't know what i'd do...but good thing i was asleep.
i'm not caving anymore...i'm back to my normal self...well...normal as i CAN be. i give up on her...i TRIED to build up our friendship again...and she's not even trying...she doesn't even acknowledge my efforts man > <. so...i give up. don't wanna do anything from now on. i'm not gonna smile at her...i'm not gonna wave at her. it's just wasting energy. she's been too fucking inchy to me. anywayss....i swear...olivia is gonna laugh at my hair on tuesday. arg...gotta start the japanese project thingy...but OH SHIT!!! did not bring my binder home > < shit. [edit] since feb 24 i have written exactly 58950 words...and YES i AM that bored to count.
\\listening to: ۊ (alex fong)
[10:31pm] watching [beach boys] right now. ahh that show is so good^^...it came out in 1997 or something. i wish i watched it back then. loll o wellz...i have most of the episodes now. i'm also watching the TW drama [love bird]. i love this one quote from that show. it's in mandarin but i'll try my best to make it sound good in english...it's like "it's ok to hate someone...but don't ever forget". which means like...you can hate someone...but you can't ever forget about them. LOL doesn't make that much sense but when i heard it i was really touched. that girl from [4 in love] is in it. she's crippled. so sad though..at a bar, she was walking out, and this guy called her a cripple and her friend beat that guy up. it was sad but funny. it's in mandarin tho...lol...don't know how i understand it...seriously > <. oh ya...i just found this site...it's called "the curse of the asian man" really good...worth reading [curse of the asian man]
----[3 things to cheer you up]
----------------------april 7, 2004-----------------------
so tiredddd
[10:36pm] ack....so tired > <....i can't even sleep because i have so much more stuff to do. i have my japanese project, math, and i have to watch this dvd that i have to return to my friend tomorrow. stupid math is so hard > < i have a quiz tomorrow but i don't even understand most of the stuff that i learned this week. the teacher doesn't teach it properly > < or else i just don't listen lol. and japanese project...i finished that yesterday, so that's good...i still have to make up rough notes so it doesn't look like i plagarized lol....and i didn't...but still...i didn't make a rough copy of it.
i realize...that something that could help me get over this depression is i have to keep reminding myself that i would rather die of curiosity than suffer the truth which means....i'd rather not know...because it'll make me depressed. if i don't know something...there's no way it could make me sad...so from now on...i think i should just stay out of things...even if it means avoiding the situation, avoiding some friends, etc. today, olivia was gonna tell me something about my ex bestfriend...but i told her not to because she said it would hurt me if i heard it. i think i'm better off knowing. my opinion completely changed overnight. i don't know...i don't think it's a good idea to be friends with her...yet. there's just too much stuff that's going on right now. i don't want to make things even worse between us. so right now...if the friendship progresses, i'll let it progress...but if it doesn't, then i won't do anything about it. i just don't want us to fight again. i'll still be nice to her...of course...i want us to still be friends...i just don't want to know about her life or whatever. and i don't think she has any intention of being bestfriends with me again...so i don't really want to try. i'm trying to make her more comfortable when talking to me...and try to end the awkwardness between us, but it's not really working. she's not even trying to talk to me...except for messaging me a couple of times. i always have to say hi to her FIRST in person...and that's just stupid...because if i don't say it first she won't even notice me at all. maybe in a few months....just MAYBE....or maybe someday we'll talk again.
oh ya...i told more people about the nancy thing. it's not really bothering me but i really wonder why she did that. like...i wonder if it was something my ex bestfriend told her to do...or it was just to piss me off PERSONALLY. i told my ex bestfriend about it though, and even it SEEMS like she's behind all this, i don't think she is. i don't think she's capable of doing something like that. the fact that she asked if nancy said other stuff about her made me realize that she most likely doesn't know about it. but she said that she would talk to nancy when they have choir...and they had choir this morning...so i think she already talked to her. but what puzzles me is...why didn't she talk to me in japanese class today? and also, i would really want to know what nancy's explanation is. it better not be some shit about me hating my ex bestfriend or something. because...THAT is bullshit. whatever i do...i have a pretty fucking good explanation for it. behind everything i do, i can write a whole essay about why i did it. so anyways, we didn't talk today. i WANTED to talk to her in japanese class, but no matter WHAT i did, i couldn't get her attention. omg > < i don't know...i just don't know. maybe it's my nn on msn...it's like "it's ok to hate but shouldn't forget" but that...is from a TW drama LOL...and even though i can't translate it properly, it's a very good quote. it means that you can hate someone, but can't ever forget about who they are. it's not really relevant to what i'm going through right now...in fact...i have a completely different perspective lol. if someone pisses me off or makes me depressed, it's ok for me to ignore them and hate them forever^^...it really is lol. no point in talking to people like that. they just waste your time. that's why...i ignore some people now...or i am very inchy to them. it's because...they're stupid. so useless to talk to them...i ignore their messages online. i wish i had time to waste for people like that but i don't. i go on msn not to chat to those people, but to those who are my close friends. it's true...i only have a full msn list as decoration...how many of those people are actually my close friends? like...only about 50. the others...they are just there. i admit, i AM ignoring more and more people now...but it's because they're so mean to me. it's like...it's better if i just ignore them instead of asking my friends to beat them up. if a friend makes u depressed, there's no point in being friends with them because it's just stupid. i'd rather just talk to my close friends...because uh...they don't piss me off like those stupid mofo's and plus i don't have that time to get to know EACH AND EVERY PERSON.
i saw "lord of the flies" today. oh man...i loved that movie lol...the little kids are so cuteeee^^...but since that movie was made in like 1963, i'll bet all those kids are in their 50's now...or even dead lol. simon was soo kawaiii~~ ahhh~~ when he talked, his head was down and he was so quiet all the time...so shyyy lol. but then he got killed > <. piggy was kawaii too...so chubby lol...and then since he talked in a british accent, it made him even MORE adorable lol. awwwww....but he got killed by a rock...stupid bastards...i wanted to beat up the author of the book loll. he killed off the 2 most memorable characters > <. my teacher told us that the kids were traumatized after making this movie...they were never in any other movies ever again lol. i guess they're just normal people now. but i wonder what simon looks like now =O probably has grandchildren loll. anyways, we watched the DVD so we got to see all the extras. holy shit there's so much child pornography in there > < SERIOUSLY > < i swear they need to like DELETE that stuff out.
i don't find japanese class that fun anymore...i don't know...well first of all, amy sits beside me now instead of alice so it's kind of boring. also, olivia is TALKING TO UM-UM like the whole classs > <. so bored...and then...i have to be so competitive because i want to beat that mofo > <. amy was bitching about alice to me today > < shit man....i have never heard someone bitch about the same person for such a long time > < she should just talk to alice herself > <. hahaha i told alice and she doesn't care...but i hope she actually does something tomorrow > <.
shit...i have no time to watch "golden chicken 2" maybe i'll watch it later > <...but right now i'd rather update my blog. sometimes i really wonder how many people would come to my blog and read about my problems...i wonder how many people would have so much free time > < cuz i know i DON'T. i wonder if anyone i KNOW reads my blog (except olivia). i think if my ex bestfriend ever read my entries, she would cry. i KNOW she would cry...and then...whoever wouldn't is just....coldhearted. even olivia said that before. i must've wrote like 50,000 words since feb 24...it's basically all about the same person, the same problem. that is how good of a bestfriend i am. if i can stress about losing a bestfriend THIS MUCH...it's obvious to see how special that person really was to me. this is how i overcome depression. anyways, i can't do the math assignment, it's too hard > < i'll just go find kathleen tomorrow.
\listening to: ho sum ho bo (alex fong)
----------------------april 6, 2004-----------------------
don't know what to do
[12:10am] i really don't know what to do now...i'm caving...and i never realized it until today. at first...it was just saying hi to her...but now it's changed into actual communication. friday was the first day i had a conversation with her in a very long time. i was happy...and even olivia wasn't pissed off at me. she said that it's ok to talk to her...because...well...i don't remember the reason...but she said that i shouldn't let the friendship progress that much. but...i was so happy that day...i really was. even though on the phone with olivia i didn't tell her that much about it...but i was really happy about it...it's all in my livejournal. i only talked about the things that concerned that homicidal maniac lmao. the truth is, on that day, olivia went to sit with um-um, and alice was at some trip...so i had to sit in that row...only with eddie. i was bored to death and i had nothing else to do so i just kept talking to kelly from far away. then during the game, i decided to go sit near her so i can talk to her better. i was truly happy that day. when i talk to her it felt like a dream...it really did. i forgot about all my problems when i talked to her. the past didn't matter, the future didn't matter, i only cared about that moment. nothing else was on my mind. i think it's because...the reason i was depressed is obviously because of her...so...talking to her again made me feel better...even if that feeling was temporary. then...i went online...just to talk to her. i wanted to see if she would message me...and she did. and that's how it all happened. on monday...i sat beside her again...but this time, it wasn't as awkward as before...and we were alot more comfortable talking to each other...i think. it was even less awkward talking to her online yesterday. hmm...i really don't know. the friendship IS progressing. i want it too...but i think i'm caving. caving...i don't know what the definition of it is...it's like giving in. ok these past while...all this depression...all this emotional pain...it's all just trying to accept the fact that i lost a bestfriend. ya that's really all it is. and also...it's because i found it really hard to face the truth...and i still do that. when i talk to her in japanese class, i really forget about the past...but i can't do that...no matter what. i know that we agreed to "forgive and forget" but realistically...i can't do that because the scars will always be there. and this depression...i will always remember this too. all that progress i made...i was really starting to get over it. i stopped mentioning her to olivia...but then it started again. i feel like i'm falling in a trap. lately, i haven't been thinking that much of anything else. my mind is clouded with those thoughts. so...all this depression...is for nothing...i don't know if it should end with me being friends again with her or not. before, i always wanted my depression to end with me forgetting about her...but inside, i always wanted to be friends with her again. i just don't know. am i happier being her friend...or am i just better off without her? argg >__< really don't know!! ok...when i'm not her friend i always start regretting what happened between us and that's why i get depressed. when i AM her friend...like now...i'm worried about what my friends think...i'm worried about what's gonna happen to our friendship next, and i also worry about caving. i don't know what i'm better off doing. depression...i can't stand it...but then, with the first option, nothing can ever happen to us again...which means that i will never have another reason to be depressed over her. but then, the problem is just that...i don't know if i can survive through this...though i'm happy, i also feel very depressed at the same time because i feel that we're drifting apart even more. second option...well...i'll be happy, that's for sure, but then...for how long? there's no telling what will happen next between us. there is still a chance that things could get worse. sure...the friendship might progress...but it could also be destroyed...once again. then i'll be depressed again, but just for another reason. i also consider my friends. i mean...if all of them even find out that i've been talking to her for the past few days i'm dead. like some of them are my close friends, i understand why they would be so strongly against it...but then what about the other people? there are people that know about my problems that i'm not even close with. like...they know about my problems before they even know me. i DO take into consideration my friends' advice...i really do. alot of decisions i make are made AFTER i confront my friends about it. but sometimes, the advice that they give is harder to do than it is to say. i know that they just want the best for me...and they don't want me to be depressed anymore >__<. i don't purposely cave...it's just that sometimes, i can't handle depression anymore...so i have to do something about it. but then, considering all my friends hate her (well most)...then their opinion is based on that. some of them hate her because of what she did to me (how would they know?) and then some of them hate her just because of something personal. i'm sure...that if i ask for advice from someone that is friends with both of us...they will tell me to confront her. i wouldn't know > <...i don't know anyone like that...at least not anymore. i guess there used to be some people, but i don't really trust them because they seem to be 100% on her side. but my close friends are really that important to me...that's what i'm stressing over right now. should i just make the decision myself, or should i just listen to my friends? i mean...it sounds like an obvious question...but really it isn't. if i make the decision myself, i may be confident about it at first...but what if something happens? then...i think my friends will be mad that i didn't listen to them in the first place. if i listen to my friends...and just...don't do anything...then whatever bad happens they would back me up because i didn't do anything wrong. if i become friends with her again...and something happens, i really think that all my friends will go and kick her ass > < i'm serious. yes they really hate her that much. i'm happy to have friends that support me this much...and i regret being so easily manipulated. they see that she is a bad person and then...they see all this other bad shit too...but i don't see it for some reason. i think i'm delusional...it's either i don't want to believe that is a bad person...or it's because she was my bestfriend before.
i AM starting to talk about her more...i think that's all i ever think about now. noo > < this can't be starting all over again. the first stage of caving: denial. i think i'm over that by now. at first i didn't see it...but i guess now i do. i do so much weird stuff now...like talking to her in person. i seriously don't know what made me do that...like just walk over there and sit beside her. it's like...i don't think twice about things or something. i can barely remember what happens...i can barely remember what we talk about...or why i talked to her in the first place. but like...that's what happens in my dreams though. i remember i have these dreams lately...basically we are in a classroom...it's always me, olivia, and her...and then, the whole class i'm like thinking about one thing: whether to talk to her or not. olivia is like a barrier...i don't know why. she's like telling me why i shouldn't talk to her and stuff. and then in my dream, i always walk over to her and talk to her anyways. we talk as if nothing happened between us in the past...i think that's what makes those dreams so special > <. but it's scary tho...because alot of things about that dream came true. and then...like when i talk to her...olivia is never around...or she's THERE...but she doesn't notice that i'm talking to her. i guess in reality she probably knows what's going on...but she doesn't react in an angry way.
i find that...what i talk about is the exact opposite of what i actually do. this morning, i was telling cory that i told kelly about the phonecall thing. then she walks by, and then...i don't know what made me do this but i started waving at her. and this wasn't a normal wave...this was like a "happy to see u" wave. cory then said "something's coming back"...oh no > < !! so this is why i think i'm caving. i don't know what made me do that. inside i was so calm...and then when i saw her, i can't believe i reacted in that way. i didn't even PLAN to say hi to her like that.
maybe i'm delusional...just can't accept the truth even though it's always been there. i don't plan out these things...they just...HAPPEN. after, i'm always like "what just made me do that?" hahahaha olivia thinks i'm brainwashed...but i'm not...at least i hope not. but...it might explain why my impression of her is completely different now. like...i keep saying that...even though she hurt me in the past, i hurt her alot too > <...and that she is not the one that is wrong...we both are.
ow my eyes hurt > <....i'm gonna sleep....can barely type...
\listening to: system of alive (w-inds)
----------------------april 5, 2004-----------------------
WHEEEEEE good day today
[9"57pm] i was just talking to kathleen a while ago. her problem...why am i not surprised? > <...from the beginning, i suspected that cecilia was just using her because she had no friends. and now that she found friends, she doesn't need kathleen. but i always reminded myself that cecilia is probably not that type of person but i never knew that she was. i told kathleen advice that is relevant to my situation too...but for some reason i don't take my own advice. i told her that "time goes by, people change, and even though at one point of a friendship u thought that u guys would be bestfriends forever, it isn't always so". i don't know...it's true that...i know exactly how to get over my depression...i know exactly what i need to do, but i just don't do it. ok this sounds so corny...but if i could, i would just freeze time at one point and hope that we would just stay bestfriends forever. if i could do that, then i would be SURE that nothing can ever change between us. but i don't have the power to do that...so i guess...just have to face everything that happens...and hope that we stay bestfriends.
lately, i have been talking to her more. i seriously don't know why i'm doing all this in the first place. i'm still depressed....of course i am...but why am i caving like this? i just want to avoid the situation, just avoid everything bad that is happening. i guess that is what i'm doing right now. i treat reality like a dream...i really do...that's why i act like that in japanese. it's because...there are things i want to do...but i hesitate because i remember my depression. i want to talk to her...but i don't usually do that because i'm scared of the awkwardness. but friday and today, i let go of the past and just talked to her as if nothing ever happened between us. i still don't know if it's the right thing to do but i just don't care for now. lik...i admit...maybe i'm TOO depressed. i started avoiding the situation, avoiding my depression...i couldn't take the emotional pain anymore...and that's why i didn't go on msn for 6 days. but then, i started forgetting about WHY i'm even depressed in the first place. i think it's because...i realize, that the only time i forget about all my problems, is when i am dreaming. and i don't think i ever wrote about any of my dreams before...but in those dreams, i'm always talking to my ex bestfriend and then we are always acting as if nothing bad ever happened between us. so...i know that it's very possible to have that kind of conversation with her in real life, but i always think it'll be awkward. so...that's why i did what i did. what happened, it seemed like such a dream to me. i would barely even remember what happened if i didn't write it down. what to do now....i really don't know. i don't feel like typing anymore > <.
\listening to: typhoon generation (arashi)
----------------------april 4, 2004-----------------------
waaaaa so bored today > <
[9:37pm] todayy, i really didn't do anything at all > < didn't even go out. i wanted to start my japanese project but i keep procrastinating > < i still have math journal to do though...but i'll do it later. AHHH japanese project is so boring lol....don't want to start it at all. it's like due thursday lol^^. shittt my pics dun show up > <...such bs man > <. yesterday night i went online. i haven't gone online for like 6 days lol...because...every bad thing that happens to me...everything that i'm depressed about right now...has started online...so i prefer not to go online that much for now. i dun want any more "msn drama" for now. yesterday night, after i took a shower, i checked my msn on my brother's account...it said i haven't been online for "5 days 23 hours 59 minutes" and then i just waited another minute and i went online ^--^. oh ya....i HATEEE daylight savings timee...i hate it so much!!!!! loll i know i was bitching about this last year too. last night at 1:30am i was sort of depressed about something so i started thinking...and then listening to music too. then a while later, i looked at my clock and it said like 3:00am. i was lik "WTF?!?!?! i couldn't have been sitting there for an hour and a half being depressed" > <. so...i realized that it was daylight savings time. there WAS no 2:00am. so stupidd > <...i have to wake up an hour earlier now. i remember last year i hated this even more because i had to wake up for frisbee practice at like 6am so that mean that...i had to wake up an hour earlier than that > <. anywaysss i slept at like 4 yesterday night lol.
this morning, right after i ate lunch, olivia called me. i couldn't talk that much though > < i kept coughing and my parents wanted me to do chores instead of talking on the phone. oh ya...i was walking and talking on the phone at the same time, and then olivia said something and i couldn't hear her...i thought she said "he BREATHED on me today" but then it was really "he WAVED at me today" -____- yaaa i don't think olivia would really say that anyways lol. and then we talked about the DJ thing. haha...i made her laugh with my most recent entry about japanese class and then i made her cry from that entry about her being such a good friend. wow....i manipulate emotions LMAO!!!! i wonder if she was laughing and crying at the same time. then...i tell olivia about the P.O.V. thing...or my interpretation of eddie's thoughts...LMAO...awwww...olivia was making him jealous lol =P. oh ya...then she gives me advice about my ex bestfriend...saying that...it's ok to be friends with her...but then i can't let things go back to the way they were...because too much stuff has happened. like...there is no such thing as "forgive and forget" because the scars will be there forever. so...i can't cave. but even if