irasshaimase!

aoi kaze

June 27, 2004

i should really put more stuff on my page


[4:01am] it's kind of late now...well REALLY late...and i should be sleeping...but i realized something. this is my blog...but i always meant to make it sort of a fanpage too...but i never got to the fanpage part. my blog is boring...it's only bitching about my problems. i should really talk more about other things. so from now on, that's exactly what i'll do.

\listening to: carry on (exile)


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++CDTV 20040619


____LIV - FAKE STAR

i actually thought this song was really nice. i never heard of this band before. so much profanity in the beginning of the song though...i was shocked that CDTV didn't censor it out or anything. but nevertheless...a very good song^^. it's true though...it's about posers...something that i also hate very much. below are the lyrics to that song

[lyrics]






____W-INDS - KIREI DA

i thought that the choreography for this song was very nice. haha again...keita is the one that sings most of the song, and ryohei and ryuichi look like backup dancers. but o wellz...i heard that [pieces] wasn't like that...but then i guess it wasn't successful so [kirei da] had most of the attention on keita...again. but still a very nice performance^^





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++SMAPxSMAP 20040531


this episode had "actor's break" with yuko takeuchi and then below are screenshots from that and then screenshots from "katori bucho". what was so funny about that was SMAHOO! lmaoz...and also...when shingo said "arigatou gozaiMOUSE" hahaha so lame but so funny. and then during actor's break...it was funny what they were doing. hahaha nakai stuffed volleyballs in his clothes...tsuyoshi kept TALKING to the volleyball..and shingo...omg that was the funniest. i didn't even know what he was doing at first. he looked like he was humping the ball at first lmao. oh yea...and the "bistro smap" guest was masaaki sakai. haha i never heard of him before...because he was a singer back in the 70's...but then...he was in monkey king. haha he seemed so lively when he was on the show. they spent more time joking around than actually judging the dishes.






____SCARFACE GROOVE

haha i actually never heard this song before...but then the performance for it was really good. shingo dancing...omg >___< so hot!! and then...nakai actually SANG for once...he sings ok but i dun think he has enough breath to sing. takuya's sunglasses...omg so hot x___X!!! haha i think this song was from one of SMAP's early singles/albums so that's why i never heard it. choreography is nice tho^^





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++SMAPxSMAP 20040614


this episode was hilarious. "bistro smap" i had guests eriko sato and eiko koike. omg...the dessert they ate looked so yummy. it was like a fruit surrounded in jelly and then put in ice cream. omg >___< i wanna try it~~ (-.-^). haha oh yea...the first part of the show had a skit with janet jackson in it. lmaoz...nakai was listening to one of her songs and he danced along to it. so funny >___< hahaha. i wonder if janet jackson understands any japanese? there was also a host club skit with kimutaku. so hot!!! that white suit he wore...and then, everytime he went *MUAH* everyone would fall down loll. the funniest part was ghetto shingo and parakeet tsuyoshi. haha shingo looked like he had vaseline on his face or something. it was so oily and shiny. lmao shingo raps good tho^^.





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++COMMERCIAL #1

haha this commercial really caught my attention. it was so cute...with the panda and the bear. i think it's advertising a brand of water. soo cute >___<...but it was so gross how they were getting their fur dirty by eating pasta. o wellz...it's a nice commercial and it played during countdown TV.





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++COMMERCIAL 2

this commercial was played during CDTV too...and it's a cell phone service that involves sanrio characters. awww so cute >____<. AFRO-KEN~~





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++COMMERCIAL 3

this is one of my favorite commercials. it was aired during smapxsmap. soo cute (^^;;) it has a cow in it. the farmer was talking to the cow...and then...


farmer: you'll always be my #1
cow: *moo*
[wife comes in looking jealous]
farmer: i mean i mean YOU'RE my #1 (to the wife)


lol so funny...i think it's advertising a type of ice cream. that cow is SOOO cutee!!

June 26, 2004

smapxsmap


[8:51pm] yesterday was so boring. i slept most of the day. but i watched the [smapxsmap] special. lolz so funny...tobey maguire was on it lmao. so sad that he can't speak japanese. oh yea...and that skit with kimutaku, goro, and max was so hilarious. hmmm what else did i do. so bored yesterday. today, i woke up at 2:30am...then i had to go out. oh man i had to fix all these things on my computer. so much spyware...it's hard to go online. my laptop is fine though...still a bit slow though. everytime i turn on my computer there are always these unwanted programs and pop-ups. so i spent like an hour downloading every spyware/adware removal program i could find. i'll install the others later...MUAHAHAHA it BETTER work...or else i'll be pissed off. i went with my parents to T&T supermarket today (nice name huh). lmaoz...it just opened today and i wanted to see what was there. holy shit there were so many people...it was so hard to even get a parking spot...just like pmall lmao. inside...was really really crowded...you can't walk without bumping into someone. since there were so many people...we decided not to buy anything...but it was so tempting. omg...they had dim sum. i really wanted to ROB that place. and then...there was OMGGG cake. SOS~~ hahaha...i wanted to buy it but yea...too many people. everything was so friggin cheap too...i swear if the prices go up i'll be so pissed off. so yea i really wanted to buy cake T____T...it was likt $1.50 a slice...SOO CHEAP >____< but i guess i can buy cake ANYWHERE. but the next time i go to T&T supermarket, i swear i'll spend like $20 on cake. oh yea..then my parents and i went to no frills and then we went home haha. boring day huh >___<. i sleep too much these days...maybe something is really bothering me...i don't know.

\listening to: can i love u (alex fong)

June 25, 2004

finished love generation^^


[1:30am] today i got a haircut. it looks funny now...but it looks better than it did when i got it cut in february. i woke up this morning at like...9:40am...which is so fucking early for me. it's really rare for me to wake up that early. man my eyes hurt...and they still do lmao. my mom was outside gardening lmaoz...so friggin cold outside >___<. so thenn...my mom and i went to the salon. my mom was saying how much better it is to go in the morning cuz there's no people and then when she went in, she was speechless. lmao it was like...PACKED. i had to wait for 5 ppl. the thing is, that salon only really has 1 hairstylist. there are lik 5 but then everyone gets a request to have that guy. so yea....i always see the other hairstylists sitting there and doing nothing but that guy is always busy. i think he makes the most money lmao. anyways...after that...i went home. i thought my bro was gonna watch a movie with me but NOOOO he was too tired. so then i just went online all day and yea i'm bored.

\listening to: music for the people (v6).

June 23, 2004

finished love generation^^


[12:47am] i finally finished watching love generation^^...hehe it was such a great show^^. there was this one scene where riko-chan's mom was talking to her...it was touching. her mom was saying how in every relationship there will be hardships so she shouldn't keep worrying about them. i STILL think the theme song is nice...and also the song "hear me cry" by cagnet is also good...very nice lyrics^^. it's really sad to see kimutaku age tho...because he was so good looking in [love generation]...and now when i watch smapxsmap and his recent dramas such as [pride] and [good luck!] it's really obvious that he's aging. and also...i remember watching performances of [sekai ni hitotsu dake no hana] and then the smap members were just sitting there singing. ahhh they looked so old >___<...but they're only 30 something...they shouldn't have THAT many wrinkles. but smap variety shows are still great tho^^.


today was so boring. i had to go and change my health card...and omg...i saw...RONALD. oh gosh...i couldn't believe it...cuz i drove like 2 hours to get to that place and it was in the middle of scarborough...i never expected him to be there. benita was also there lmao. hmm...i didn't get that pic taken because i need my report card...stupid bitches. so have to go back in july.


tomorrow is exam feedback day. i don't feel like going the whole day of course...don't know...i just don't want things to happen to me while i'm there. yesyes the drama is on hiatus right now. the truth is...i don't really want to see any of my friends...don't know why. i wanna see cindy though...cuz i have to ask her something. but i don't think that i'll see her anyways. i'm going there just to pick up my schedule and to clean out my locker. that's all...i don't even feel like saying bye to anyone. because...well...arg...not in the mood for socializing these days. i'm actually getting used to not going on msn. i thought that i would go crazy but not yet...i'm still ok. i wonder if cory's going to be there tomorrow. arggg want to talk to her too about something.

\listening to: hear me cry (cagnet)


[6:02pm] awww man....my bro and i just broke a plate...stupid >____<...he was trying to tickle me and then he dropped the plate. o wellz....oh mannn my mom won't let us take food to the basement anymore...o well..hahaha...i'll eat outside^^. i dun care about bugs...it's so nice outside lmao. i just want to go outside...and look at the sky. on saturday, when my parents were bbqing...i spent the whole time sitting there staring into the sky...and hoping that nothing would fall on me =P haha.


anyways today was exam feedback day^^...haha...apparently, the time i woke up was the time it ended...which was 12:00pm. i thought that half the day was going to be the assembly so then that's why i woke up so late. by the time i got there...i saw olivia...haha the school was basically empty. i just got my stuff and then i walked around with olivia. our locker looked so empty...it was scary >___<...our locker used to be so full..and now it was so empty...all that's left were like wrappers and the thing i wrote at the bottom of the locker that says "fukuoka your kokonoka" lmaoz...memories memories >____<. i got my schedule...i now have 3rd period lunch in 2nd sem...which was what i origianlly had lmao...too bad i couldn't take fashion design...i really wanted to take it. it looked so fun^^...but i guess i should've taken art in gr9 or gr10. o wellz...i wasn't into that stuff until this year and it was too late. i kind of regret not taking drama because it seems really fun. instead i took keyboarding...because of kelly. because her band was the same period in the room beside the keyboarding room..that's why i took it. i wanted to walk with her to 4th period...but then i never would've guessed that we'd stop talking during 2nd sem. anywayss...olivia had to go at like 1:30pm and so, i just walked around the school. i visited the japanese classroom one last time. so many memories in that classroom...if i could, i would go back. *sniff*...i'm really gonna miss that classroom >____<. this is the first time that i've actually CHERISHED memories from school. i always had fun in that class...and if i could, i would take japanese again next year...but i can't because they cancelled the course =(. anyways...for me, school will never be the same again. i don't know what next year is going to be like...i don't know if there will be new memories. i hope so. hmm what else...and then i went to the locker and i put a note inside of it. it's like in an opening in the locker so i don't think that it's that easy to find. i doubt the caretaker will take time and look for it. hmm...next year, around this time again...which is exam feedback, i'll go back and i'll read that note. hahaha i hope it'll still be there...and i hope i'll remember. also, there's a thing in the locker that says "april 2 i remember" or something like that...but i think that the people who use that locker next year will rip it off. i hope that my locker partner will be one of my friends...or better yet, i hope that i have my OWN locker...hahaha...again. thenn i went home. so many memories of this semester i'll cherish...i never expected that i'd have this much fun...since i wasn't friends with kelly for most of it. at one point i think i realized that it's a waste of time to be depressed...and i should really enjoy high school...even if i lost a bestfriend. i always had fun but i remember before...in the back of my mind, i always wished that i could hang out with kelly more...but i guess that wasn't possible.


anyways, after my mom picked me up...we went to the mall. i don't know why...but these people kept staring at me...>___<. anyways, i went into uhh...BLUENOTES...the poser store. what's funny was that the whole store was filled with these girls that are avril lavigne lookalikes...HAHA same hairstyle, same clothes...and even the same eye makeup...which is scary. i go to bluenotes not because i want to buy something...but because i want to look at their clothes. it's really funny...haha...bluenotes used to have nice graphic tees..but it's different now...they're so ugly >___<. it's a complete poser store now. there are those "nirvana" shirts...and then they sell wristbands, buttons, and other types of jewelery. they even sell belts...but they look like seatbelts and they're like $25 so of course i'd rather buy it at jean machine or something. hahah the reason i dun shop there anymore is because i realized that other stores have clothes for about the same price so i'd rather shop at buffalo or something. o gosh...i'm broke now...$20...but i owe my mom that much and then i might have to go to the movies tml with grace. o gosh >____<. haha..oh yea i want to redecorate my room. since before, my parents wouldn't let me put posters up because the tape makes the paint rip off...so i decided to buy sticky tack. ock...now i have to go out and buy posters with money that i don't have T___T. i put my boy'z postcards around the wall in my basement..it's so cutee!!


JJ told me that boy'z was splitting up...nooooo >____< !!! i dun want them to leave....i think it's something that their record company decided...because if they were still friends, then there would be no reason to split up like that. o wellz...i hope that they are both successful as separate celebrities. but then before, cory told me that twins were going to split up, but they didn't yet so i dun think that boy'z are going to either. it's so sad though...they're one of the very few hk singers that can actually sing. that's why i dun listen to hk music haha...i only listen to boy'z and alex fong =). anyways i hope that they don't disband


oh yea...i'm so addicted to lead's new song [night deluxe]. lmao...just like last year...when summer school ended, i was addicted to [funky days]. all their songs are addictive lmao...that's why lead is the best!! =). i keep watching the pv over and over lmao. i realized something. WFL never performed on MS before...i just realized that. hmmm i wonder why. anyways, another great song is [koi no signal]. i downloaded this performance of kamisen on MS singing that song. i think it's from 2002...not sure...but i know that their hairstyles right now are definitely not like that. such a nice song >___< ahhh...i wonder if it ever got released on any of their albums/singles. \\listening to: koi no signal (kamisen)

June 22, 2004

so bored today


[11:33pm] so bored today. i spent most of the day watching [love generation]. it's really good^^...but then it's not really my type of drama...it's too dark and gloomy in some parts. but the theme songs are nice too^^ and it's really symbolic...with the glass apple and all. and also kimutaku is in it^^ which is probably the only reason why i watched it lmao. kimutaku has a really cute name in that show...teppei..AWWW...and riko-chan is so kawaii...at first i didn't realize that when she was in the show, she was only 20. now, she's probably like....27 i think. i don't think she's been in any recent dramas...hmmm i wonder what she looks like now lol. kimutaku hasn't changed much...except for a few wrinkles...so she probably hasn't either^^. i really don't like sanae tho. she's really...UGH...her personality really bothers me. she's too quiet and she can't express her feelings properly...and also...she gets in the way of riko and teppei's relationship. it's like in the beginning of the movie, she pissed off teppei by dating his brother soichiro...but then right when teppei has moved on, she goes and she ruins everything. arg >____<. she is wayy too shy for her own good. and then...teppei's brother, soichiro, also bothers me. he also, cannot express his feelings properly and is always so isolated. and then it really bothered me how he kept getting jealous of sanae and teppei's relationship in the beginning of the show. it's like...he was wrong FIRST for going out with his little brother's ex-gf. and cheating on sanae...that's just...very stupid. omggg made me so angry...when i saw that other woman, i wanted to slap her. i know this is a really popular drama and i understand why it's popular...but then the only scenes that i really like are the ones that have only teppei and riko...or teppei and his friends. HAHA...oh yea...and episode 7 had naohito fujiki in it. lmaoz...he was at the class reunion and he was showing a picture of his baby son to his classmates. AWW so cute >___<. hahaha naohito was very young back then, about the same age as kimutaku. but they didn't even clearly show his face. i wouldn't have known he was in the show if it wasn't for smapxsmap. the episode that featured naohito as a guest was where they were talking about it. haha i remember...kimutaku didn't seem to like naohito that much...i don't know why.


naohito: have we ever been in the same dorama?
kimutaku: no i don't think so...
naohito: OH YEA...love generation
kimutaku: ..WHAT?!
*shows clip of show*
kimutaku: ohhh....


^^ haha anyways enough about that show. i was on the phone for like...3 hours...talking to olivia and cory. i called olivia and she semed kind of sick. so sad >___<. then i talked to cory cuz i needed advice on something. i feel better now...i guess. thenn i went online while i was eating dinner because i really had nothing else to do. oh gosh...all these people messaging me...>____< gosh...i talked to winnie because she seemed like she really wanted to talk to me. but then i realized that she didn't really have much to say. she took so long to reply >___<. thenn from conrad, i found out who CC's gf is...it's some girl named ashley. cory and i have been pondering that question for the whole weekend...ok fine it was only 2 days ago but then it seems like so long ago. so this was too funny so i decided to call cory to tell her the news. HAHA...cory was so shocked...cuz she doesn't like that girl or something. but then she said she kind of expected it...because that ashley girl was the first girl that we suspected. o wellz...things happen. cory seemed so disturbed...i don't think that she'll be able to sleep tonight haha. and thenn uhh...i told her about some of my other problems and that's it. hahaha cory told me not to listen to her completely because it seemed like she was making it worse. naww...she just made me think of a possibility. *sigh*...don't want to go to exam feedback day on wednesday...i have my reasons.


hmmm i'm gonna stop bitching on DJ for now...for now i'll have happy posts. but i don't have much to bitch about anyways...for once in my life i'm not depressed. it feels like there's something wrong with me...it feels like i've really changed alot since last semester. the exact same events happened...but unlike last time...i'm not going crazy...not at all. right now i'm so calm about this situation...but i remember last time...i was really close to suicide. whenever i thought about it my head hurt. my feelings have changed alot since last week. yes at first i DID cry...but i'm fine now. the reason why i don't go online...the reason why i avoid her like this is because i don't want to make the same mistakes like i did in the past. i really need time to think for now...and if that means time apart from being her bestfriend...then i guess that's what i'm going to do. last semester i was so stupid...and to this day i still regret it. i was foolish and selfish. i made stupid decisions because i was really hurt. i never considered her feelings at all...and i guess now i'm still being immature and selfish because i'm not talking to her about the situation. but i really can't face her now...not yet. even if it means that i won't ever talk to her again then i guess i can't change that. i'd rather things stay like this for now...because i really need time alone. if this is the end of our friendship than be it...because i don't want us to have some tragic end. i don't want us to fight i don't want us to argue and i don't want any more emotional scars. if we drift apart then it's ok...it was probably meant to be. i'm not depressed and i'm not slowly dying...in fact...i'm actually ok for once. i can't stand this drama shit...for now...so i'm putting the drama on hiatus. one day...when i'm mature enough, i'll deal with this. i can't afford to make any more mistakes. my problems are way too complex even for me to understand. i know that there's no easy way out...i know that a few words can not make everything fine again. so i really have to think about this. i don't even understand why i feel this way. yes jealousy IS the reason behind every one of my problems...that's why the drama is called "jealousy and the bitches". i've already accepted the fact that i'm a jealous bitch and that's not going to ever change.


my goal is to not make the mistakes as last time...but it's also so that i don't have a mental breakdown like last time. last time...i seriously think i was going crazy. i want to prevent from being hurt from her again...so that's why i don't go on msn/friendster/hi5. so much shit happens on msn. i can't stand her NN...it hurts me so much whenever i see it...and in this case, curiosity can really kill me. also whenever i talk to her these days, i don't know what to say. she obviously knows that something is wrong with me...but she feels untrusted because i don't tell her. but honestly....how is it possible to tell her the problem when SHE is the problem? i DID promise her that i would always tell her what's wrong from now on...but i never thought it would be this hard. i don't want her impression of me to change. i'd rather her to be confused than to hate me forever when she realizes how i feel.


it's been a week...and so far i'm ok...maybe i can really live without her. but i don't know how much longer i'll be normal. it's really like fighting an addiction with smoking or something...but for me...i didn't even HAVE an addiction with smoking. i'm scared that soon this problem will really bother me and i'll be depressed just like last time. i'm scared that like last time, i won't be able to stop thinking about this situation. memories don't really hurt now...because i accepted the fact that now...things can never be the same as before...so there's no point in hoping. i don't cherish memories because everytime i look back on them it makes me sad because i realize the situation we're in now. i know that before i used to use the word "reminisce" alot but then i realized...what's the point? crying over memories will not solve the problem...and it never will. the more i reminisce on the good old days...the more depressed i get. yes everything's gone now and all i can do is REMINISCE...but i won't...because there's no point in dwelling over lost hopes and dreams. the more i look into the past the more i'll be confused about the future so therefore the word "reminisce" really means nothing to me anymore.


i shouldn't run away from my problems like this...but i'd rather do this than hastily make decisions. i don't care if kelly understands or not...i don't care if she hates me forever...but sometimes...i really can't dedicate my whole life to thinking about our problems...i really need to move on. the point of this whole thing was to see if she even realizes that i'm gone. i wanted to see if she would even realize that i'm mad at her...and that i'm purposely not going online just because i don't want to talk to her. i don't think that she realized it yet...i don't think she EVER will. all this time i kind of expected her to contact me somehow...but she hasn't. maybe she isn't such a great bestfriend as i thought she she is. i don't think she cares about me at all...so if i'm depressed there really IS no point. it's not worth it to be depressed over kelly...i used to think that it was...but now i don't. she'll never cry for me so i'll never cry for her either. i want her to realize her mistake...if she does...then maybe i'll reconsider being her bestfriend again. i always have to take initiative...i always have to talk to her first...but this time i won't. if she really considers me as a bestfriend..she'll find some way to talk to me. but i know her...her and her foolish pride...she'll never apologize...because she's never smart enough to know what she did wrong. she's supposed to...she's my bestfriend after all. but yea...even to this day i don't regret being her bestfriend...but it's just that i never would've guessed that this friendship came with the burden of jealousy and depression. i don't know why i dedicate so much time and effort to someone who doesn't even give a shit about me...i don't know why only to her, i am still a perfect bestfriend even after all that she's done.


since the beginning of grade 9 i've been stressing over this problem. since grade 9 she has been my first priority...but now that's all going to change. i don't want to waste any more time being her bestfriend if i'm not her first priority. i really need to move on with my life. next year, we won't see each other anyways. seriously...what's the point...because whenever things go well...we always have to say goodbye to each other. i won't wait for her anymore...i won't miss her anymore. if we're bestfriends, i know next year will be hell. i'll be fine...this melancholy is getting boring anyways.

\listening to: hold me close (comic boyz)

June 21, 2004

ju-on 2 and the eye 2


[12:10pm] yesterday i didn't write an entry. hmmm when i woke up, i was bored so i watched [love generation]. i guess i watched it for a long time because at like...3pm, i had to go out. originally, my brother and i were supposed to go to fairview mall to watch [garfield: the movie] but then we ended up having to go to congee wong because it was father's day. hahaha...i didn't realize it was father's day. i don't think i ever said "happy father's day". but then...oh mann...i ordered milk tea. it was SOOOO good...but for a long time, i had to sit there and power sugar into it. but it was good^^. i had to pay for the whole meal tho...whoa =O can't believe that my parents let me for once. now i'm broke >____<. after that, we went to PT and looked at DVD's (fake, obviously). i wanted to get all these movies but i was afraid that they wouldn't work so i didn't. i DID buy this korean movie with kim jae won in it...and my dad bought some other movies. i had to choose between THAT movie and [the classic] which i also heard was really good. o wellz...i'll get it next time. i was also going to get this vic chou karaoke thing but then i was afraid that it wouldn't work. we wanted to buy [the eye 2]....but then we ended up renting it instead. i don't know...fake dvd's look nice...and as long as they work...i don't mind paying $5 for it. and besides, that membership card isn't even mine...>____<. so my bro rented [ju-on 2] and [the eye 2]. i never knew that [ju-on 2] already came out...the cover looked so scary >___<. so anywayss later we went home.


i just kept watching [love generation]. and then not that long later, we had to eat dinner -_____-. dinner was like a BBQ...i almost DIED. but then...i got to have a conversation with my dad...something that i don't usually do because i don't have time. we talked about mashed potatoes -____-. hmmm after...i watched simpsons...ALSO something that i haven't done for a long time. hahaha...so funny...but they weren't new episodes tho. my brother and i were both laughing at that veggie tales parody...it was like "yamses, let my pickles go" LMAO!! hmmm after that...i was making a playlist on windows media player...omg the newest version looks SOOO nice. oh yea...THEN my bro wanted me to burn cds...and OMFG it took like....12 min per disc -_____-.


later we watched the movies....but we watched [the eye 2] first. we had gotten so much junk food when we were sitting there....my brother even went to mcdonald's and got sundaes. oh man...by the end, i had a stomachache -____-. that movie was SOOO good. every scene had a scare...so there was no part of the movie where i could just sit back and relax. they made childbirth seem like a gloomy thing because they said that for every woman that is pregnant...there is a spirit beside them that is waiting to be reincarnated. pretty scary huh -_____-. then like...shu qi has the ability to see all these ghosts. and basically in the movie...she's pregnant and everytime she sees a ghost she seems to have a mental breakdown...and other people don't blame her because they just assume that she's really stressed. but some of the ghosts she sees is really scary >____<. like....when they show a spirit going into a womb right when the woman is about to give birth...that's just wrong. shu qi is pretty tho...but my bro said that she's no longer popular. hmmm at first, i was making all these guesses to what was the big plot twist or secret of the movie. i thought that shu qi's bf was dead...because well...he wouldn't answer her calls and when he's around her...he seems so gloomy and quiet. so if he was REALLY dead..it would make alot of sense to me. but then shu qi mainly had ONE ghost that kept following her around. that girl ghost is actually her bf's wife...so i guess he was two-timing all along. in the beginning when shu qi was shopping and when she tried to commit suicide...she called her bf and like it shows in the scene how his wife got really mad at him. the last thing she said to him was like "you'll regret this for sure!" and then she went and killed herself by jumping in front of a subway. and then the spirit of shu qi's baby is actually the wife...which is really scary. i think in the last few scenes, shu qi was like...climbing the stairs and them jumping off the building to kill herself. the first time...she landed on her side but she wasn't dead yet...so then she crawled up the stairs to jump off the building AGAIN. it was kind of funny though. but it was gross how one of her legs was broken and she was dragging blood up the stairs. ewww >___<...and then like...the ghost kept looking at her whereever she went. then finally, the ghost told her that she wanted to reincarnate and forget about everything in her past...so i guess shu qi finally accepted the fact that she was going to have that baby. this movie was better than the first movie...because....i just didn't like the first movie that much. it was much scarier though...and it looks like there were different directors for both of them because the style of the movie is really different.


hmmm and then...we watched [ju-on 2]. omg...already i was dying...i was scared that i might have a heart attack during the movie. i didn't expect [the eye 2] to be that scary since the first one wasn't that bad...but i expected [ju-on 2] to be much much worse...and it IS. the thing about this one is that just like [the eye 2]...every scene has something scary that happens. the style of the movie was much like the first one...there are different segments...and then the name of the segment is always the person that dies. this was SUCH a scary movie. like...i think one of the scariest parts for me was when the girl kept hearing these thumping noises in her apartment...and it turns out that those noises were foreshadowing her death. like...the kayako person (the mom) kills that girl and her bf by hanging them...and then toshio (the little boy) keeps pushing them so that they hit the wall and they make that thumping noise. omg it was so scary >____<. toshio is SOOO cute tho...when it shows how he looked when he was alive....but then...when he's dead...he's blue...i STILL don't get that to this day. but i guess the story to this is much like [the eye 2]...which could explain why they came out around the same time. the main girl was pregnant so she was the last person to die. i guess toshio's mom was waiting to be reincarnated as her baby. and in the end it's really tragic because she's walking with her daughter and then her daughter kills her by pushing her off the stairs. omg >___<. when the movie ended, i was so angry because i seriously did not get this movie. i was even MORE confused than last time. and there aren't going to be any other sequels so i guess sooner or later i have to think about what really happened. goshh...this is one of those movies that require thinking. i barely even got the first movie. they never explained how the curse started. and i hoped that the second one would explain how toshio died and why he's whole body is blue...but i guess not >____<. both of the movies just talk about how everyone who goes into that house and everyone affiliated with those people...die. arg anyways i'll probably watch it again another time.

June 20, 2004

cory and olivia are alike


[12:49am]...it's the 20th again ne? i wonder what will happen today? probably nothing...but something ALWAYS happens to me on the 20th...and most of the time it's bad. i don't know why...it's a really unlucky day for me. but i'll be careful. i'm not planning to go on msn or friendster or anything so i dun think that anything could happen. and i don't have school so nothing can harm me^^. anyways...last night...i was so friggin tired. i stayed up until 4 just watching videos and bitching in my DJ...and then my bro came home. originally, he said that he would buy something to eat for me..but he DIDN'T >___<. so then, we went out to mcdonald's. holy shit it was so cold...when we were driving there i was freezing >___<. i never been out that late before...it was so nice^^. everything was so dark and quiet. my bro and i just bought a mcnugget combo. when we got home we had to be REALLY quiet because we didn't want to wake up our parents. hmmm then i wanted to watch something on vcd so we ended up watching [dawn of the dead] on vcd. that movie...was so good when i watched it the first time...so the second time i saw it was even better because there were alot of things i missed. at first i was still really hyper even though it was like 5am...but then, when the second disc started...i started getting so tiredd. so then my bro woke me up at like 6:30 to tell me to go sleep. by the time i slept, it was already sunny outside and my dad had already woken up =P.


ummm this morning...i woke up at 12:30 to the smell of bacon. i basically just spent all day watching shows...again. and oh yea..spring cleaning hahaha...my room was so messy. i kept looking back on all the notes that olivia and i wrote to each other this semester. there were also 2 from kelly. one was from april 2/april 5...and then the other one was from when we were in japanese class and watching [the last samurai]. hahaha i put everything in a pretz box...because i really couldn't think of any other place to put it. usually i would take everything out of my binder and dump it...but for japanese i didn't. it was too special...so i just left everything in the binder. i'll probably look back on all those memories someday. i really loved this semester =). that lily picture was the only thing that i didn't put into the box...it was just too ugly. so i just left it in the binder.


so then, i watched [love generation] again...and like...7 min before i was about to finish the episode, olivia called. hahaha...she said that she called me yesterday at 7 but i wasn't home. so yea we just talked...and i read her entries...and i called her mumbo's booch. hmmm then i had to eat dinner. argg...i eat dinner so early...it was only like 7pm at that time. so then after dinner i tried to watch the rest of that episode...but then SOMEONE else called. at first i thought it was olivia but i don't think that she's that irritating. so i found out that cory had called me. so predictable...she called me to ask me to come out. it's funny cuz the first thing she said was almost the same thing as olivia. cory said "i called you yesterday at 6:30 but you weren't home". so then i had to call olivia back and tell her that i'd talk to her later. she kept saying "glop glop glop" when she was trying to pronounce that teacher's name. hahaha so funny.


holy shit it was so cold outside. i swear...it was lik 12 degrees >___< OCK! cory seemed fine. we were going to go to the pond but then we remembered that there was construction going on there...so we went to the pond. we just sat on the swing and we started talking about stuff. i realized that when we talk...we only talk about other people and we never really talk about our own lives much...well of course i tell her about my dramatic life...but not that often. we mostly talk about other people. i told her about the cauliflour story...and GEEZ that was so hard for me to remember. i only heard that story in the beginning of the school year...i have such bad memory to forget it like that. all i remember from the story is that the girl's eye looked like a cauliflour and so they had to take these scissors and clip it all off...including her eye. i told her about CC having a gf in gr9...and then we just sat there and thought of the possibilities. she kept dissing all these people...and it was funny because i thought that they were her friends. haha so mean...i kept saying "u act like my daughter!". i told her about the MUSHROOM and she got so grossed out lol. so then it was too cold so we sat inside a playground thing. but it was cold there too...so windy >___<. we just kept thinking of possibilities. i kept saying that it was definitely one of nancy's friends but she thinks that it's probably not a chinese girl. she disses ALL her friends...and LOL i felt like such a bad influence. oh yea...then i asked her about cindy. it was funny because...i realized that her and cindy have something against each other. at first i thought that cindy was mean for dissing cory like that without even getting to know her...but then cory dissed cindy too...so i think they're even now lol. she said cindy was unproportional...that's mean -____-.


so then it really got too cold and so we went to cory's house. we just sat there and we talked. we were STILL thinking of the possibilities. when we were sitting there, i was asking cory about chris. she said the most funniest thing


amanda: chris has such a gay last name

cory: huh...what's his last name again?


LMAO...out of all people...she should really know. hahaha omg >____<. hmmm so then we kept playing with cory's cat. it's SOOO cute...cory said she kissed it before..AWWW. and then cory was holding it and i was petting it. if you pet its head...it turns its head because it wants you to pet its nose...AWW so cute >___<. hmm so then we just kept talking. we were really puzzled. i said that it's either a slutty CBC girl or a nerdy FOB. i don't know CC that well...not sure what his type is. then ummmm...later we watched tv. it was mtv cribs. cory kept commenting on that girl's house...saying like "sai ng sai ar?" HAHAHA...cuz that girl really went too far with interior decorating lmao. after that show i left.


so then when i rode my bike home. OMFG it was so cold outside...it was only like 4 min outside and i was already freezing. right when i got home, it was like 8:45pm so i called olivia and ate popcorn. i really wanted to watch that show on tv but i guess i ended up talking to olivia haha. so tiringg...we talked until like 10:30pm. hahaha cory and her told me about their chinese school marks. i realized that they almost seem like the same person. i can say the exact same thing to both of them and they would have the same response...except paraphrased. so i talked for almost 6 hours. i'm glad that even with all the *AHEM*'s and clearing my throat...i could still talk. oh man...so tired today. so much talking >___<. it's really funny because to olivia i said "i gotta go hang out with cory" and to cory i said "i gotta go talk on the phone with olivia" and they both had the exact same reponse. they both said "HMPH" HAHAHA.


i think olivia and cory are really alike but there are definitely many differences between them. for example, olivia is really pessimistic...and cory...well she's like neither. she's like neutral. and also, sometimes i think that cory doesn't feel sympathy for other people. even though she's nice...sometimes i think she's really mean...but in a funny way of course. like today, she was like "oh man i love her rolls" LMAOz. well i guess olivia is sort of like that too. like they both only care about their friends...and other people they aren't really nice to. and the thing about cory is that i've never ever seen her sad or depressed before...she's always so normal. i guess if olivia and cory were friends then they would be really CLOSE friends. i hope that they are some day^^. i'm sooo tired right now...argg >____<. well i'll probably sleep soon.

\listening to: night deluxe (lead)

June 18, 2004

dodgeball



[3:29AM] goshh so tired right now...>___< so hungry too. oh man i think i had a heatstroke this morning or something. i woke up WAYY too late...i woke up at lik 2:30PM...cuz...i had such lack of sleep this week from exams. yea...don't know why i slept that long but then when i woke up...i was so weak...couldn't walk until like a few hours later. so i just sat there and watched jdramas. watching umm...[love generation] right now...but only on 3rd episode =P...ONLY first 2 had subs T___T then the rest..i kinda have to just LISTEN...which is hard because it gives me a headache. such a nice story^^ but then episode 3...i SWEAR i watched it before...but i don't remember when >___<. the theme song is nice tho^^ hehe...i wish i watched this show when it came out...but then back then i was only like 8. hahaha kimutaku has such a bad attitude in that show haha. anywayss...i also watched ep13 of [marmalade boy]...such a funny show^^...ken is so cuteee^^ hehe. and yesterday i watched ep9 of [starry starry night]. the theme song for that show is ALSO nice...and roy qiu ze is SOOOO cuteee^^ all the screenshots that i took of that show are basically just different angle shots of him hahaha.


yesyes i don't have much of a life because i stay online all day and watch shows. but what else is there to do? i think of msn as kind of pointless now for me...i don't even understand why some people would go on all day. i remember i used to like it so much...and i used to be on 24/7...but then this semester...i stopped doing that. i just don't see the point. and besides, there are way too many bad memories on msn...and for me...it just makes my life more dramatic than it already is. so many friendships broken...and then so many fights that happened on msn. i always get reminded of them when i go online. i have a full list but then only like a third of them are really my friends...and the others...well they either USED to be or they are just people that are on my list for no reason. most people aren't worth talking to. i HATEEE small talk so much. i don't know why lol...it just bothers me. small talk to me...is just a waste of time because well...there's no point in it. and besides, with everything that's going on right now...i just don't want to go online...at least on my normal account. but then on my other account i guess i go on but i'm always "away". some people on my list really don't understand the meaning of that -____- like they still message me. everytime i check on my msn there's messages so that's why i closed it. ummm today, winnie wanted to talk to me about something serious and then it took me so long to actually go online to talk to her. i guess i really don't see the point in going online. i guess msn used to be fun...but not anymore. i don't know when i'm going to go on my normal account again. kelly arg >___< when will she ever get it? when will she ever get that her nicknames on msn bother me? when will she ever get that i'm mad at her >___< omg.


anyways later, my bro and i went to watch [dodgeball: a true underdog story]. LMAO that movie was so funny >___< hahaha ben stiller is such an asshole in that movie...and he has all these lines that contradict each other haha. lmao that movie is much better than i thought it would be. like not one moment of it was boring. so funny at the end tho...the girl was like "i'm not lesbian, i'm BIsexual". hahaha and it was funny how their uniforms got switched with SM clothes. omfg the movie theatre was so crowded >___< but i still had room =). UGH...but almost no air conditioning...and...people smell x____X.


anyways next wednesday is exam feedback day. i don't know if i should go or not. if i DO go...i don't know what will happen >___<. CC has a GF in gr9?! HAHAHAH i really have to find out about this. i'll ask cory later. well...i think for the rest of this weekend i'll just concentrate on finishing [love generation]. i hope i can manage...i suck so much at japanese >___<.

\listening to: pride~ the end (tackey&tsubasa)

June 17, 2004

finished examssss


[10:47pm] YAYYY!!! finally finished all my exams^^ hehehe...today i had english exam and japanese exam. this morning, i friggin woke up at 7AM because i had to study. i couldn't study last night because i was way too tired. so then when my mom woke me up, i was just going to fall back asleep again, but i forced myself to wake up. then i went outside to study...and SHIT man...there were so many bugs it wasn't even funny. it was also cold outside too. but then i remember as i was studying, these people kept walking by my fence and that really bothered me haha. so then i kept going inside to drink coffee or to eat something...and eventually i just stayed inside and study. i didn't have much notes to study because...well our class didn't even HAVE notes. so i had to go to sparknotes.com to study haha and i think all of my friends did the same too. it was painful to keep my eyes open...i think i have panda eyes now...>___<. then it was like 9:30AM and i called O-LA to tell her to meet me at the locker.


anyways when i got to school...i couldn't find O-LA at first but then i found her and i guess almost at the same time, carrie found us hahaa. while we were studying, alvan came by and he sat with us...along with his fob friend. i don't know why he did that lolz...i guess because he really has no one else to study with. he is really the girliest guy i've ever seen in my life...his voice is so...weird lol. i thought his friend was hot tho LOL.


english exam was sooo hard >___< i barely had time to finish everything lmao...there was the essay...i did on [lord of the flies] and then there was the poem and ad analysis. FUCKKK that was so hard >_______< i hate doing that though. o wellz...i might have to start doing that next year hahaha...MAYBE. so after a while...i was like "screw socializing!!! i hate it!! >___<" so i just went somewhere and studied. i REALLY needed to study for the japanese exam though...cuz i really suck at it. i spent all my time studying my notes and then only in the last 5 minutes i was like "OH SHIT!!! i have to memorize the text!!" so then i started memorizing my questions and answers. the thing is, people kept coming by and talking to me. like carrie came and we just talked. i forgot what we talked ABOUT...cuz i only remember her saying "good luck and tell olivia i said good luck to her too" haha. then...gigi came by and she was telling me that she had a french oral exam...which coincidentally, was at 2:10PM, the same time as me =). then after gigi left, i finally had some time to study...and then LINA came by. there was 5 min left so i started walking to japanese class. so weird though...when i got there...i realized...that the oral exam was actually in rm 318...which was like...upstairs and across the school. SHIT man i was so scared...i RAN that whole way...so that's why i was so out of breath when i got to the class. i saw olivia and then i saw mumbo a distance away from her lolz.


the japanese exam was SO HARD for me!! OMFG >___<. when he asked me that one question, in my mind, i was thinking like "what the fuck is HIKOKI?!" hahaha...i still don't know...i just said "hikoki dewa arimasen". lmaoz...the q+a part of the exam went well for us though =) we knew all our lines lol. thenn after, olivia and i talked at the locker. i just helped her with some of the drama that was going on in her life.


hmmm what else...i kept staring at the locker...because it's so empty now. soon, this semester will become just a memory...and i don't want that. i want it to go on forever...because it was my favorite semester of high school so far. i never thought i'd see the day when i actually wished that school wouldn't end. at first, the semester was shit for me because i lost my bestfriend...but then i realized that even though i was really depressed, i should still cherish this semester. i didn't want it to end...>___< it's too soon!! i don't want school to end at all. next year...well i won't talk about that...it's too painful. but then while i was staring at my locker...and i remembered all those white-board memories...all that stuff we wrote on it...i remember that "woman" and i remember how we wrote down all the inside jokes that we had in march and april. now that the semester has ended, i still can't bear to take down the stuff in my locker. it's just so perfect...i want to take a picture of it before i do anything to it. i'll miss it of course...but then next year, i hope that there are new memories.


anyways when i got home...so friggin tired...but i didn't sleep...because i don't want to waste my time sleeping. so i watched this show called [itchy heart]. OMFG that girl in that show...was SOOOOO pretty. i was too lazy to find out what her name was though. anyways the story is pretty good...funny but very meaningful at the same time...very rare for HK movies lol. but yea...there was a nice quote at the end though...it was like "to have but not to hold"...which means like...you can love someone without having to be with them. so sad eh >___<. anywayss after that...still didn't sleep. i called cory...then called olivia...then called cory again to tell her to come out. it's been so long since we hung out...well fine it's only been like...1 or 2 weeks but it still seems like a long time. haha we saw her cat. it's SO cute...but i think it's scared of me because i'm a catophile haha...it won't let me pet it...it keeps walking away >___< so sad. cory and i just talked about courses...and then right at the very end, when we were outside, i told her about my problems. at first she said "oh god not this again...i'm not helping you anymore" but then i explained the problem to her and she got just as angry as i am. she told me to just talk to her directly about the problem...to TELL her that i'm jealous. but i don't really want to. i don't think that she deserves to be told what's wrong because she should know very well herself. cory said that if that happened to her, she would get mad too. i guess cory didn't expect her to be like that and neither did i. i have these problems that are so complicated...but then...alot of my friends can solve them right away...it's really amazing lol. i'm really glad to have friends like those...they are always there for me when i need help with my problems...and they always help me deal with it so i'm really grateful for that. even if i could choose...i would choose anyone else besides them^^. i guess today was a nice day. so tired though...i need to rest.

\listening to: kaze (tackey&tsubasa)

June 11, 2004

i should be happyy


[1:22am] today in comm tech, cindy's shirt was so funny. hahaha it said "i wanna bone you" on it...and then i didn't notice this at first...but then her shirt had all these skeletons having sex. it was funny LOL...and then she told me about that random person online yesterday. oh man...she meets the weirdest people...and sometimes i feel sorry for her...but msot of the time it's too funny. anyways, pauline and i left comm tech and went to markville mall. we said yesterday that we'd go to tim horton's and get coffee. and that's what we did haha. it's weird though...she got regular coffee lmao...even though there were so many different flavors availabe. i got french vanilla. ahhh soo good >___<. so then we sat on a bench outside of jean machine and we just drank coffee. it was always my dream to do that. i always wanted to go with a friend somewhere to just drink coffee and talk. i guess my dream is fulfilled now...but i still want to go to starbucks one day with olivia =). it was pretty fun though...but WAYY too hot. i was dying >___<...it was like 30 degrees, and i was wearing a sweater...and i was drinking hot coffee. oh man >___<. we talked about the funniest things!! she said that whenever you eavesdrop on someone's conversation, you always catch the most random and funny comments. like today, these two women walked by us when we were sitting on the bench...and then she told me they were saying like "omg she's such a whore" but in chinese. LOL!! and then she told me that today, when cindy was talking, pauline heard only like "i'd rather be a lesbian" so funny >______<. when we got back to school, it was about time to go and so i went to kelly's math class. it was SOO hot >___< i was really dying. tomorrow i won't wear a sweater...for sure.

after school, my bro, my mom, and i went to STC. my bro wanted to catch the 3:10PM show for [shrek 2]. lmaoz...we got there like 15 min late so that meant that we missed the previews. i also think that we missed like 2 or 3 min of the movie. oh man...the theatre was EMPTY. so i was laughing so loud >___< i didn't care if i was embarrassing myself. that movie was SOOO hilarious!! haha the "thong" scene...pauline was just telling me about that yesterday. omg so funny >___< lolz...


gingerbread man: pinocchio, are you wearing a thong?

pinocchio: no i'm not!! *nose grows larger*

gingerbread man: yes you are!!

pinocchio: no i'm not!! *nose grows even longer*


and then it keeps going like that. i was kind of distracted so i didn't look at the screen...but it was like a pink thong lol.


that scene where donkey was in the carridge with princess fiona and shrek was FUNNY. hahahaha he kept making those popping noises >___<. and then that prince charming guy was such an airhead lmao. i liked this more than the first movie. it was much funnier. hahah cuz the jokes were more inappropriate =). in the end, donkey was like "awwww look at the little mutant babies" OMG SO CUTEE!!!


so tired...i'm sleeping now

\listening to: sotsugyou (tackey&tsubasa)

June 2, 2004

i should be happyy


[1:30am] lately things haven't been going that week between my bestfriend and i. we don't get along that well and it's kind of awkward sometimes because neither of us talk. oh wellz...i will never give up. i can't. i've risked too much just to be her bestfriend again...if i just give that all up then i'll regret it for the rest of my life. no matter what, i can't start a fight with her again. but if things go really bad...i'll just ask her what the problem is. hmm...i don't think i'm doing anything wrong. i'm just being myself. but she's different lately. i really don't know why she's being like this. o wellz...if she ends this friendship, it's her fault. not mine. i didn't do anything wrong and i didn't stop being friends with her.


i'm really happy that i'm friends with cindy. it's so fun in comm tech for me now. well it always was...but then it's better now =). back in um....beginning of april i think, we became friends. she used to always sit on the other side of the room with fiona or she'd go out for the whole class. i hardly ever saw her. but then one day, we started hanging out. she'd use my computer and we'd go on friendster and dotdotvillage together. hahaha it was funny to see her gup jai all the time. her standards are really high...and by now, i know what type of guys she likes. hahaha i think because of her, i judge people alot more. but yea, we talked alot during that time...and then eventually, i kno her password and then i know who all her friends are cuz she showed them all to me. and then pauline had to work on her assignments so then she had to use the computer. then for a while, cindy and i would use another computer...but then we realized that there are other people using those computers too. i don't remember what happened after that though. hahaha i guess most of the time, we'd just sit there and talk. but then i think that since yesterday, we're alot closer. yesterday, during the whole class, she was telling me about her problems and then yea...i was so touched. i never knew that she trusted me so much. actually, i'm ALWAYS touched when people tell me their problems...because i think i can cheer them up =). i guess before, we'd still talk, but not about personal things like that. well yesterday when she told me what was wrong, she wasn't that secretive...well about some things she was...but i think other people heard the other stuff she said. but then today, she was like "go away i have to tell amanda something" and then that so called "secret" was so pointless. well i think so. but if she wanted to keep something like that secret i respect her. hahaha that was also touching...because i realize it's another sign that someone trusts you. if they tell you something that is completely pointless but wants you to keep it a secret, then that is a true friend =).


ever since gr9 i've always wanted to be cindy's friend. i remember during registration day in gr9, she was the first person i saw but then she was with her friends. that whole year, although i met her, we never really talked. even in gr10 we never talked that much. we were in the same science class but then she sat so far from me. we only talked sometimes. but then we talk now. i always thought that she was the kind of person that was surrounded by friends already....so i couldn't believe that she'd rather talk to me than the rest of them. i always tell her to go talk to fiona but she said that she doesn't want to haha. today, when her friend came, she left with her friend...so i thought that we weren't going to talk during that class anymore, so i left the class to go visit some people. and then when i came back, i sat there for a while and then i realized that her and her friend weren't even sitting together. and then she asked me when i came back and i asked her when SHE came back lol. oh yeaa...and then we went on friendster and dotdotvillage again. i don't even use my account, i just signed up because she wanted me to. i think even for friendster i signed up because she asked. she said she got a new email account and told me to add her. then i said i had to delete someone to add her but she said that i didn't have to because she doesn't go on anyways. but then i DID delete someone...and she wanted to know who it was, and i said "some guy i hate now". but she made that new account for those random people to add her. there were 5 people on her list but then i was the first person that was actually her friend that added her. loll so today was fun in comm tech. even if we drift apart, or even if after this year we stop talking...it's ok...because i still have those memories of comm tech.


i didn't realize this before, but i finally know the reason why i don't want to be nancy's friend anymore. it's because i'm friends with cindy. i mean...how i'm friends with cindy now is what nancy and i used to be. like...we used to be really close...and she used to tell me all those things. but then after 2nd sem started, though we were still friends, it wasn't the same as before. i forgot what happened, but we weren't really friends anymore...and that phonecall incident just made it worse. i think that right after that incident, i started to be friends with cindy. soo yaa....i AM really happy that i'm friends with cindy...or else i would've been really depressed. i remember when it happened, i was kind of sad...but then not really. ahhhh i'm so sleepy now. i don't even know what i'm typing anymore.

\listening to: like (lin you wei)

May 30, 2004

last day of may...whoa that rhymes


[1:03am] it's the last day of may =) hahaha this month has been fun for me. the last half of it, i had settled things. the first half...well i guess that was fine too. anyways it's not that i'm not depressed anymore...it's just that....i choose not to think about it...and i've been too tired lately to even worry about it. i don't want to start another fight so that's why i'm being so calm about things.

anyways on saturday, me and my bro went to watch "day after tomorrow". the whole day i was just sitting there...doing nothing basically. my bro and i were originally supposed to go earlier...but then he wanted to take a nap so i just had to wait. at 5:30pm i woke him up but then he had to go take a shower. during that time, olivia called me. hahaha i only talked to her for like 10 minutes. we talked about the incident on friday hahahaha. seee i commit crimes for her lol...i'm soo nice...that driveway thing and then the english class thing. ALL FOR OLIVIAAA loll. anywayss yeaa i had to go out so i promised her that i'd call her before 10. anyways my bro and i went to burger king and bought 4 bacon double cheeseburgers...and since he hates ketchup, 2 were plain and 2 were normal. damnn the traffic pissed me off yesterday...people were going so fucking sloww...and then there were alot of cars too...so it made it even worse. so then when we got there, we were almost late...cuz the show starts at 6:40. anywayss in the theatre, it was so full...not even funnny. we had to sit in 2 seats at the very top facing the aisle. hahaha i never sat in aisle seats before...it looked as if i was gonna fall off any minute. but the view was fine though...and i felt like i had alot of leg room. so then when the movie started, we got out the burgers...and in the dark it was very hard to tell if the burger was plain or not hahaha so i just kind of guessed. i think people around us were looking at us weird. they must've thought we were cheap or something. haha i was so paranoid. i thought that at least one of them was gonna tell on us. the movie was uhhh....ok i guess. it was just about this ice age. most of the movie was about how the weather got worse and worse and how people kept getting killed. i didn't think it was that good. i told my brother that it was 89 minutes but i was wrong haha. it was like....139 minutes...it lasted until almost 9. the movie wasn't as good as i thought it was. i thought that it was about an apocalypse...but i guess not. it was just like....an ice age. i hate theatre seats tho...so uncomfortable. anyways after, my brother was rushing to get home...cuz he has plans with my cousin. so thenn uhhh we were rushing to get home and then i was rushing too because i had to call olivia. so then it was like 9:08pm and we stopped at a small carnival for no reason lol. i guess the ferris wheel just caught my attention. so then when we went through the games, all the people were trying to make us come play the game. it kind of bothered me hahaha. so stereotypical tho. then when we got to the ride...we had to pay for 2 tickets. mann it was cold waiting...i was jumping around. so then we finally got on. i was so friggin scared at first. i couldn't breathe...cuz we were so high off the ground and then the thing was tipping too. and they stopped us for lik 3 minutes at a time while they load more people on. we stopped at the very top like 2 times. now THAT was scary. then after a while i stopped getting scared. they spun us like 10 times...and the times when it was really fast...now THAT was fun. i stopped being scared after that. actually it was pretty fun. it's like sitting in a chait that is hanging from a big wheel. anyways, then we went home. haha i didn't want to break the promise...and i didn't. i called olivia at 9:59pm and we talked until 10:30pm =P lmao. the sandwich joke hahaah so funny...then the duck and the chicken hahaaha.


today...argg i was so tired. cory woke me up by calling me. she said it was lik 1pm...but it was really 11am. she wanted to go to pmall with me so she said that she'd call me at 2:30pm. so during that time, i ate breakfast, and i did homework the whole time. man math review is easy but it takes a long time. finally i finished though...it was like 2:15pm haha. the whole time, kelly was online. but i dare not message her because even though she was online, her nn said that she was sleeping. so i didn't want to disturb her. she messaged me like 2 minutes before i had to go so i just said bye to her. pmall was fun. cory and i have been planning this since like...last summer...but everytime, either one of us is always busy. but this time she wasn't. when we got there, cory walked really slow...because her ummm.....right ankle was sprained...and her left foot had a water blister. so then she walked really really slow. we were only looking for 2 things. HER lighter...and earrings that clipped in 2 places. while we were walking, we saw janice. she was standing there and she said that she was waiting for nancy. then she asked us if we wanted to walk with them....and then cory went close to her and said "she and amanda don't get along...it's better if they don't talk because it's awkward" and then janice said "oh really? ok then". and then i was just smiling...and i said "sorry". i can't believe cory said that for me. it was touching. i never expected her to do that...it was like that time olivia defended me in japanese class. she said to amy "stop asking her all those sensitive questions!!"...yeaaa that was so touching >_____<. and thenn i just remembered...there was another time. when i told her about that convo i had with jacky, she said that she would say to him "do you know how depressed she is? do you know she is taking this?" and then she would've bitched at him for me. awwww....i think...if i didn't have olivia to talk to...all that shit would be very hard for me to deal with alone. i wasn't that depressed after a while, although it bothered me from time to time. i knew that i had friends who would stick up for me...and i was grateful for that. anyways, cory took so long to buy her lighter. then we bought earrings and split it because it'd look stupid if we wore it in both ears. then i bought a bracelet and then we went homee.


well then that was my whole day. i never really wanted to tell kelly cuz like...i didn't think it was something that i should tell her. anyways i'm sleeping now.

\listening to: pika**nchi double

May 29, 2004

*sigh*


[11:29pm] well...these 2 weeks have been like a dream to me. something i thought would never happen actually happened. i became friends with kelly again. during this whole semester, this is what i've always wanted. this is what i was depressed about. just because of her. losing her as a friend was the most devastating event of my life. i never thought that i would be depressed for so long just because of her. i always thought that i'd eventually get over it and forget about her. i thought that the "vow" would actually work. but it never did. in fact, the more i tried to forget about it, the more i actually thought about it. in my blog, my DJ, my LJ....it talks about events that happened in my life....but mainly, it talks about kelly. i lost alot of friends during that time, and i had alot of those friend related problems...but the only one that affected me...the only one that caused me to be so sad was the fact that kelly was no longer my friend. i didn't care which people i lost as friends....because i knew that nothing could possibly make me more depressed than i already was. losing her as a friend...i never knew that it would hurt that much. i really never expected it. i was too naive back then. i wouldn't face problems at all. even now as i think back to the science center trip, i think that i was so stupid to give up on our friendship like that. after all the things that happened now, that event is like nothing. that event...it only lasted like a week or so....but THIS event...it lasted more than half the semester. in the beginning of the semester, i thought that our friendship was over for good anyways, so it made no difference if i ended it or not. i didn't want to be hurt anymore so that's why i refused to talk about it to her. that's why i blocked and deleted her. i couldn't confront her at all...because i thought that i would've been hurt even more. i thought that i was really better off without her in my life. what i did was so immature. ending the friendship could never solve the problem. in fact, it only made it worse. i never considered her feelings at all. i never considered the fact that maybe she was just depressed about this as i was. cuz back then, i really thought she was just a coldhearted bitch that didn't care about our friendship. i could never really forgive her for what she did...and i dun think i ever will...but now i kind of accepted it. i was so stupid to avoid her all those times...all those times i never explained the reason why i was mad at her. all those times i ignored her online.


i was really pissed off that she didn't seem to care about our friendship. i remember during japanese class, i really avoided to look at her because whenever i looked at her...i got reminded of those memories. those memories i really wanted to forget. i spent so long just reminiscing...like reading chat logs...and reading that email over and over again. but it started making me so sad because i knew that things would never go back to the way that they used to be. those days were over now...but then back then it was so perfect. i did alot of things to try to forget about her...but one of them WAS NOT like...getting new friends. i knew that i hung out with other people, but i never used that to forget about her. i did other things...like...shopping...sleeping...and yes...even smoking. i thought it really ended.


whenever i saw her happy, it really pissed me off. it made me even MORE depressed. i couldn't stand the fact that she was ok about this situation when i was obviously not. i was pissed off because i wanted her to be depressed about this too. everyday, those thoughts stayed in my mind. i could not think of any other things...and i was really unable to. i was depressed...but she never cared. that really bothered me. and then all of those times i tried to settle it with her. within a few days, we would end up ignoring each other again. i really thought that she didn't carre. i was always willing to talk to her...i was always there if she ever wanted to message me...but then she never did. i vowed that i would never cry about this anymore. i always thought that one day she would message me and we would talk this over. i always expected her to somehow notice how depressed i was. i never really tried to hide it. yea my msn nn's were obvious...and if she ever read my blog/DJ/LJ yea she would know. even like at school...i talked about it to olivia in class sometimes. and the fact that i ignored her when i walked by her...i did that because i didn't want to start crying. i never really ACTED happy...except online. cuz at school...my friends were always there for me to cheer me up. it really hurt to even walk by her...and i tried really hard not to show that. i couldn't let her know that i was sad...because i didn't want her to fake concern for me. everytime we tried to settle things...it always seemed to get worse.


but then, what i did, i did because i was pissed off that nothing was progressing. i thought that she would message me someday...so i waited..and waited...and then i just gave up because i knew that she wasn't. but i realized that even if she didn't feel the same way about me...i still had to let her know that i still wanted to be her friend. so that's what i did. i thought that eventually by then, she would've figured out how depressed i was and how much i wanted the old days to come back...but she never did. i HAD to take initiative.


so these 2 weeks, things are actually going back to the way they used to be. i never thought that it would happen like this...so it's like a dream come true. even now, i can't believe all of the things that has happened recently. we went from like strangers to being bestfriends again. i thought that we would never be bestfriends again since all those things happened...but i was wrong. i AM really confident about this. even though i shocked all of my other friends by doing this, i don't regret it because this is what i really wanted to do. i'm not weakminded. i never did this because i couldn't stand being depressed...i did this because i thought that our friendship desserved one last chance. kelly never influenced me to be her friend again. i really did this on my own.


everything that happened these days were like a dream. i never expected things to actually work out...so i still find this a little hard to believe. at first, we talked alot about how we were both depressed about what happened. those conversations at first...were really really memorable. alot of those things she said made me cry. we really talked things over. and then at school, alot of memorable things happened too. almost everything happened made me remember the old days when we were bestfriends. it's like reliving those moments. yea there were some problems...because my friends were against the fact that me and her were friends...but it's settled now. i really don't want any other stuff happening between us again. i really hope that it's the end of our problems...for good. arg...can't people just let us be bestfriends? there have been way too many problems already. i realize now what i did wrong in the past...and i think she does too. i dun think that we will make the same mistakes as before. i really hope that this works out...because i really tried my best.


but our conversation today...i didn't talk to her that much. and she seemed kind of sad for some reason but she never told me and i never wanted to ask. she said she slept all day...but knowing her...i think that she didn't sleep because she was tired...she slept because she wanted to stop thinking about something. i know that something is bothering her for sure...but i really don't know what it is. i wanna talk to her tomorrow tho. but from now on...i won't let anything happen to us. i won't get mad at her for no reason anymore...and if i am really pissed off...i'll just tell her what's wrong. i don't want to ignore her like that anymore...i know that it hurts alot. but i guess now...i think about our friendship less now. i don't worry about it that much.


arggg i'm sleepy.

\listening to: garasu no shounen (kinki kids)

May 27, 2004

starbucks dream....=)


[12:39am] i guess things are going well right now. i'm really confident about things. i kind of block out any negative thoughts i have of this friendship...and block out any worries of bad things happening between us. i just want to cherish the moments because...this is all i ever wanted. i guess my depression has sort of ended. i don't regret being depressed...because during that time, i learned alot....and i think i'm less indecisive now. but whenever i think back on it, i think that i'm really foolish for being depressed for so long. my thoughts and intentions never changed during that time. i never actually tried to get over my depression...which is kind of stupid. i remember like...i said all these things...i tried to convince myself to just forget about her...but then that only made me feel better for like a few hours...after that i was depressed again. confronting her was something i never thought i'd be able to do. i was always so scared that she wouldn't talk to me. but i realize that was stupid. even if she wouldn't talk to me...i'd MAKE her talk to me. cuz this was bothering me too much. i guess the reason why it took me so long to talk to her was because i always had the impression that she had gotten over me already. i thought that she had already forgotten that we were bestfriends...i thought that she had stopped caring. i know at school and online, i tried very hard to be like that. i couldn't let her know that i was sad. but i guess...that's exactly what she was trying to do too. sometimes i think that this problem could've been settled earlier...but then i think that this was really meant to be. our friendship already had alot of problems anyways...i think we needed that time apart to straighten things out. i was so sad before because i thought that things would never be the same again. i thought that we would never be bestfriends again...i thought things would never return to the way they used to be...but i was wrong. i never thought it would be possible...but we are really bestfriends again. it's impossible to be bestfriends with someone and then suddenly be normal friends again...it would just be way too awkward. it's either bestfriends...or nothing. so that's how our friendship was. i never wrote about it here...but like...that whole first week we were friends again...i was always wondering..."does she want to be bestfriends with me again?" and then...monday we actually talked about it. i asked her that question and yea...she wanted to be bestfriends with me too...so yea...we are bestfriends again =). at first, i kinda wanted to hide the fact that we were bestfriends around people...but it's ok. i don't care. but then, before, i was just happy that we talked again. it was the only thing that mattered to me. i guess anything is possible. at one point, i thought it was impossible for us to even be friends again. but i guess it makes a difference to her if we are bestfriends or not. but for me....whether we are friends, bestfriends...or even strangers, i will not think of her any differently and i won't treat her any differently. i wouldn't have been colder to her if she said she didn't want to be bestfriends with me. but then, for me, the difference is only like...being able to SAY that we are bestfriends...that's all.


sometimes, it feels like i'm choosing her over all my other friends. but to me...there was never a choice in the first place. it's stupid to be friends with someone and then not friends with other people because of that. i'm not that kind of person. it's not like they're less important to me just because she and i are friends again. i know people who are like that...but i'm not like that myself. they're not rebound friends to me. it's not like everytime i have a fight with kelly i go back to them. i don't use friends like that. i really cherish them as friends...and gosh...i wish we could all hang out together...but they don't get along with kelly...obviously. if i listen to them, yea i'll regret it for sure. i really want to be friends with kelly...no matter what. i don't really care what other people say about us, i don't care what people think of us....i'll defend her no matter what. i can't believe i caused all this trouble for her. i thought that after we were friends again, there would be no more problems between us, but i was wrong. gosh...i can't believe they would make our lives more difficult like that. i just want to be friends with her...i always did. it doesn't matter what happened between us in the past, what matters is that we're friends now and nothing can ever go wrong if we both want to be bestfriends. she didn't treat me like shit...and i never biased my story like that. people just ASSUMED that. she was a true friend to me. and when things went wrong, we were BOTH wrong. sometimes it seems like it was only HER that was wrong...but since i over react...i was wrong too. so...if they can't accept the fact that i'm friends with her...then blah...i don't care. it's not like....i'm giving her one last chance...we are BOTH giving our friendship one last chance. after all that we've been through....it can't end just like that. all my friends are really important to me...they always will be. and i KNOW people lie about that so much....but i don't. but i shouldn't worry about other people's opinions right now...actually i don't worry at all. but kathleen was trying to make me worry about it today. she said i had to settle it...i had to talk to them myself. i don't want to. if they won't have a serious talk with me then i won't have a serious talk with them. if they let our friendship end like this then *shrug* i dun care. i want to be their friends...but first of all, i can't believe they did that in the first place, and second of all, i dun think it's right to threaten our friendship just bcuz i am friends with her again.


goshhh i tried to call olivia today but her line was busy. i called her like 10 times. then i wanted to write a note to her but i was too tired. i think lately, my memory has been getting worse. maybe this is why i'm doing so bad in school. but then, my friend says it's cuz of coffeee. true...i DID drink too much coffee lately....not everyday...but like every dessert i eat or everything i drink somehow has coffee in it. i ate tiramisu cake and drank black coffee at this place with my bro...then i drank coffee flavored bubble tea and i drank coffee at home. geez....i never knew that coffee makes ur memory worse. but o well....no need to remember all that stuff anyways. i'm less depressed because of it. but that starbucks thing...yeaa of course i'll do it =). i forgot where i got that from...but i remember some person kept talking about coffeee....and like hanging out in a coffee shop all day with friends and i got that thought stuck in my head. but i wanna go with olivia =). mann i'm sleeping now. it's like 1:49AM. *yawn*

\listening to: music for the people (v6)

i swear one of these days, olivia and i hv to go to a starbucks and just spend the whole day there. HAHAHA


[1:47am] i'm kinda pissed off....because yesterday, when i was talking to kelly, she mentioned something about lily telling her something. true, that IS the reason i was depressed all this time, but how would lily know? wtf i just don't fucking get it. how could lily represent me like that? i never talked to her about her about my depression before....nor have i talked to her lately. last time i talked to her was in november, and that was when i stopped being friends with her. everytime i talk to her i yell at her. o wait..."we". i hate her....i hate her so much. she has no right to tell kelly that. i swear i can call it stalking. she's not my friend, so how can she tell kelly how i feel if she doesn't know? one of these days i'm gonna tell my friends to beat her up. seriously. i dun like people getting involved in my problems...ESPECIALLY when they aren't my friends. say it was olivia or just ANYONE else that told her that, i wouldn't be pissed off because i know that i told them how i felt myself and i know that they would want me to be friends with her again...but LILY? WTF IS THAT MAN >_____<. hahaha i'm getting paranoid. seriously tho, the only way she would know is if she knows my blog, or DJ or LJ...and maybe fdster....but she'd have to be really smart to figure out my life story from that. sometimes i really wonder who reads my blog. like....i know my friends do, and i don't mind...cuz i put it up cuz i WANT my friends to read about my "daily bitching about my problems" but...i hate it when people use what i write against me. it's just how i think...and it should not be criticized like that. besides, she should know what my friends could do to her. they already hate her...but i can make them hate her even more. i think she still DOES have intentions of being friends with me again. arg....wtf....go ahead and TRY...is it THAT easy to be friends with me? and anyways, if she really reads this, she should read the part that says [FUCK U BITCH GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FUCKING BLOG U FUCKING BITCH]. ok i feel better now. ehhh....but i think i'm just being paranoid.


anywayss, uhhh things are going well. today we went to the mall. i helped her do her japanese homework while she was eating. hahaha but she kept talking to me about random things. but oh well...it's ok loll. she kept talking about how she's getting food poisoning cuz she thinks the rice is a day old. and she says that food court soup is not good because all this bad shit falls into it. LOL i was so glad that i wasn't eating. while we were walking, her friends walked by, and they waved at me but i just nodded and then kelly waved at them. i honestly feel sorry for everything i've done to her. i can't believe she hung out with those people. being down her popularity so much >____<. o wellz....she wants to be friends with them and i can't control that. but i asked her today if she would rather hang out with her friends and she said no. she said that she would rather hang out with me. i want to hang out with her again. i don't EVER want to ditch her again...and i really hope that my friends would not get mad at me for doing this. this is what i wanted for the whole semester. i wanted to hang out with her this whole time. i'm not ditching them. i'm not saying that she's a better friend than all of them...it's just that i want us to catch up. it's been so long since we hung out like this...and it really brings back alot of memories. i never thought that we would hang out again...because of the situation that we were in...but i realized that anything is possible. and like...at the mall today....even right when we walked into the door, it felt like that day. i remember we were in this department store that day, and then since the floor was wet, i almost slipped but she grabbed my arm so i wouldn't fall. i still remember that. and then, while we were eating, i said "i can't believe you were depressed"...and then she said "i was" but then last time, she said "you have no idea how sad i was...don't talk about it". she kept telling me to try all this food with her but then i didn't want to. but then today, i wasn't really expecting us to go to the mall....cuz usually, when we went to the mall, she would tell me beforehand, but this time she told me like 5 min before. when we walked back, she kept letting go of my arm cuz i kept pissing her off. but o well hahaha she knew i was joking...i think. even walking back, it felt like all those other times we went to the mall together. it was like cold...and windy. i don't think we ever went to the mall during a nice day lol. when we were walking back, we were going to be late for class but then she still walked at a normal pace. and then when we were actually rushing to get to class, she kept asking me to link arms with her. it was funny. i still dun get how that could make us walk faster lmao.


i really regret that i was mean to her in the past. she didn't deserve that. i remember that first day of the semester, when we left com sci...i walked the other direction because i didn't want to see her. i shouldn't have done that. i regret so much. i should've just talked things over with her. but then i think...if i wasn't mad at her all that time, she wouldn't have realized what was wrong. even if i had told her, she wouldn't have known what she did wrong...cuz she has to realize it herself. i guess it was kind of harsh. i really feel bad for what i did. and whenever i ask her why she never told me about her depression, she said that she didn't want to be friends with me because of pity. but...then the reason why i never told her was completely different. it was like....pride...because i knew that i couldn't just cave into depression like that. no matter how painful it was, i could not show it...because i couldn't let her see how sad i was. but i'm not friends with her now because of pity...it is because i really can't stand for us to be apart. i dun want us to have any problems EVER again...and i definitely won't start any fights again. i dun think we would ever be friends again if we had another fight. but then...i shouldn't have ignored her like that. i was different back then. i was so stupid. i never told her what was wrong. i blocked and deleted her many times, and my explanation was always like "i really don't know". i think that is the stupidest thing in the world. the reason why i never told her was because of "pride"...because i thought that her impression of me would change if she knew why i was mad at her. but i realize now that i should've told her...no matter what. i know that i was such a bad friend back then. i always left conversations when i didn't want to talk to her...and i think she knew that. but if i never went through depression, i would've never realized all this. i know how to be a better friend now...and i won't ever do the same things i did in the past.


it seems like our friendship is really continuing from that day after we went to the mall. it doesn't seem like all that time has passed...it doesn't seem like all those traumatizing events happened. everything is basically back to normal. i treat her the same...and she treats me the same as before too...but i think we both know that things have changed now. both our lives have changed...and our personalities in some ways too...but we don't let that change our friendship. i know that i have much more problems than i had before. i know that i'm alot more coldhearted than i was before. i guess that vow...really meant something. it wasn't kelly's fault that i became like this...it's just that...when i was depressed...i was too pissed off to deal with all these other problems so i started being mean to people who weren't my friends. i'm really shallow now...and i judge people alot without getting to know their personality. but i became like this because i didn't have her as a friend. now that i do...i don't know...maybe i'll stop being mean to people. maybe not. but from now on, i'll try to be like i was before. i chose to be like this though. it was the only way to deal with my problems...to be coldhearted. that vow was sort of a joke to me though. i never realized until like now that i was actually following my vow all along. ahh...o well...it made me deal with depression alot better. i remember it was like "i vow to be coldhearted from now on, not to look back into the past. i vow not to care anymore". people who are mean to me or piss me off don't deserve a second chance anyways. but that vow, originally meant like....i couldn't see kelly as my bestfriend anymore...basically. like...i had to see her as a different person to not feel sad. everytime i saw her, i would be reminded of all these memories of our past...and that really hurt. but that didn't last long tho. for a few days i was fine...but then it was too hard to deceive myself like that. she is my bestfriend...and that's all i can ever see her as. it was unrealistic. i couldn't just pretend like i didn't know her. i just couldn't do it.


i am so going to sleep...it's uhh....2:32am rite now.

listening to: garasu no shounen (kinki kids)

EEK!!!! SPIDER!!!!!!


[11:49pm] AHHHHH SPIDER!!!!! it