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NAME: Lil b AGE: younger than bryant BDATE: aug 3rd EMAIL: ... AIM: small lil b3e LOCATION: nor cal LIKES: people, anime, music, interweb, bemani, tarepanda DISLIKES: fake people FETISHES: mating calls...bweehh~~, ear blowings, spin the telephone FOOD/DRINK: MELTYKISS!!!! a.k.a. orgasm in a box MUSIC: j-pop, k-pop, trance, eurobeat RECENT GAMES: soul calibur 2, everything bemani PLACES TO PLAY: parks, random friends' houses, golflands SITES: kiraku na akuma, aotenjou, Friendster QUOTE: "if angels could fly, would i be the first to fly? the one to let them fly, or will i watch them enjoy the sky, from the cold hard earth with broken wings?"
"hold fast to dreams for if dreams die life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly"
~L. Huges
I Love You, Whitney.
I Love to See you Smile
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|| Monday, April 12, 2004 || 02:22 a.m. ||
|| *lil b checks his clock* IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME ||
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!
Happy Easter y0! THIS SONG MAKES ME HAPPY bebebahahahaha
What fun.
Hope you don't mind the song because you know, it's too damn good. Thought i'd liven up the place with a different song. I was looking for that song from this weeks South Park. You know, the whole "LET'S SEE YOU DANCE SUCKA AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME" or whatever it is. Yeah that one. Give it to me and IT'S ON!
This week felt too long. At least tomorrow is Monday! and I can see Whitney Anne. And yaaaaaay.
OMG! I CAN HAVE CAFFEINE. LENT IS OVER. w0000000000rDDDDDD. I'm going for some starbuck tomorrow like wh0a. and some PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY. AND FREESTYLE FREESTYLE. FREESTYLE FREESTYLE y0 STYLE!
I'm sooo in the mood for some of the Chi stuff that Whitney made for me at her place. Soo yummy. and possibly addictive. w00t!
Ah i'm excited. Don't think I could sleep. But I gotta go lie dizzown. Peanut butter jelly time's just starting!
PEANUT BUTTER KINKY TIME!!!! hehehe
Oh I wanted to link to the vid of this songy song but I didn't know which one to do so just go search it somewhere or look for it on newgrounds.com if you haven't seen it before. Cuz yeah. It's awesome saucey.
tomorrow tomorrow!!!
And so ends what seemed like both a very long and extremely short week at the same time.
It's safe to say that this week was centered around Michelle and the new Marvel Vs. card game. Crazy.. and I will update all about it tomorrow or something. I have two exams tomorrow and I should sleep.
But a couple of random thoughts.
Everyone's bailing out on me [again] for E3 passes. I've got a couple of strings of hope left.. I really wanna go. It's another excuse to go down to SoCal as well [event-wise], besides Yu-Gi-Oh regionals.. April 24 perhaps?
Shafi wants me and a few others up here in NorCal to dedicate more and more time to Soul Calibur 2, particularly so we can practice to win Evo this year. And that's what I plan on doing.. weekly sessions with the best up here and dedication to a hobby or something like that that is for the most part pure skill, something that card games can't completely satisfy me with.
Matrix Revolutions was horrible. I got to see it this week.. oh man, maybe it would've been a little bit better had I not been confuzzled half of the time 'cause I haven't seen Reloaded since May or whenever it came out, but damn. The action scenes were shitty too.. at least that was the saving grace for Reloaded. The first movie was so good.. =(
Fanime's right around the corner again. I barely even care right now.. which is really weird, 'cause I usually look forward to looking forward to it, even if the con itself sucks. Last year's was great though.. it was the weekend I got my car. =O And the birthday cake that Michelle and Heidi made for me is still one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me. <3
I can't even think straight right now. These studio headphones I'm wearing are awesome, but they feel like they're squishing my head in the longer I wear them for long periods of time. That leads to headaches.. which means it's a good time to sleep. More on everything later, and I mean everything. Goodnight folks.
-Orochi
|| lil b's fun day at Whitney Anne's house ||
Ah man today was fun fun fun. I got to Whitney's place around 11 or so and got right to work on working on their comp. Man that thing was, and actually still is, so messed up. I need to go back and really fix it for them. It was just so cool to be there and hang out and stuff. And augh I suck at double speed and i'm sad ;_;. I wanna win one game durnit.
Ah damn I can't remember everything that happened right now so i'll save the rest of the update for when I wake up tomorrow morning. All I can say right now tho is...i'm feeling wonderful and loved. =D
|| lil b got a haircut! ||
Yeah I got me a haircut. It was exactly what I wanted tho. I dyed it some and I wanted to spike it. So I tells the lady that I want to spike it like one of two pictures. One had long spiked hair and the other one had short messy spiked hair. So she starts at it and I tell her that I also would like to keep some sort of bangs if that was possible. So she agrees and keeps going. After a bit I realize that shes just taking off from everywhere except for the front and then shes already gelling things. She then spiked my hair BACKWARDS and left me with bangs. I was kinda speechless at it since you can't really get a good grip on the haircut from the front but it looked cool from the sides. So even though I didn't get what I initially wanted, at least I kinda kept my hair longish. It's all cool. I'll have before and after pics up soon. I also need to go back and buy 'spiker' gel. And uhh, give the lady a tip. I barely had enough money to pay for everything so I need to go back.
In anycase I need to head to bed cause i'm going to Whitney's place tomorrow to fix her computer. I thought that something like that wouldn't happen until 3 years or so from now. When she asked I was totally surprised. But i'm really excited and even kind of scared haha. Hope her family likes me and all that. Well i'm heading to the bed.
Laters y0!
|| lil b's gonna f u n da a ||
HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I just listened to William Hung's album and I literally laughed the whole way through. It's amazing. Everyone should get it. Just keep helping with that crazy William Hung craze.
Above reference goes to tonights episode of South Park. Now, i've never see You Got Served but the episode was funny nontheless. Seeing the asian kid playing ddr and the goth kids dancing did it in for me.
Oh yeah, so today Jason and I went to the place where Whitney's future ouse is being built and we volunteered to help out. It was really cool. I'm glad it was a beautiful day out or else I might not have enjoyed it much. But yeah, Jason and I spent most of the day doing the strenuous task of bending tons load of re-bars. Holy hell those thing sucked. I needed like 3 of me to break one bar. Whitney's bro was there too. It was cool to talk to him for a bit. I was really scared of going today before too because I knew he was going to be there. Whitney was right in saying that I didn't have anything to worry about.
I'm probably going to keep going back every Wednesday cuz I like to help out and it's something to do. Honestly I had a lot more fun today than I thought I would. But my body is all sorts of sore. I don't uhh...exercise or move around much as it is so doing everything I did today really got me pooped. In fact, I need more sleep.
~I missss you <3~
Ohh man I'm screwed. I have a team presentation for a class in about 5 hours, followed by 4 more hours of lecture.
I missed both American Idol AND 24 tonight due to me avoiding a dorm meeting and being out with Michelle and company over at Pete and Matt's place tonight up 'til now.
I'm spending way too much cash and credit on card games [even though overall net I actually gain]. The new Marvel card game is too good. My beatdown rocks.
I read about 20 different completely random blogs and journals that I have bookmarked over the past day, just out of nowhere for the hell of it. Aside from the regulars I check, I read a bunch of people's from high school to see what they were up to. I still almost wish I had taken more from high school than what I left with - not to say I'm not content now, but they all still keep in touch. The most contact I've had at all was when I was down in SoCal and called Eric up to visit him at UCI, but that never went down, of course. Boo.
I wonder if there's a reason I slowly become more and more aware of my cocky nature. I'm awesome.
... What the fuck am I talking about. I just felt like putting something up. My stomach's making sounds loud enough to wake my roommate up, and I have a hellish day of classes tomorrow. This week feels more like my spring break than last week.. which I shall recap at another time.
Goodnight folks.
-Orochi
|| lil b and two kinds of kinky ||
To read into the complex mind of seperate distant people of a time not even of the present brings me back to the life I used to live when life was still hard yet it was so easy to be enjoyable even with having to always question ones inner-selfs confidence.
As much as I love my lifes life as of these moment(s) pass on I can't help but still think of what has past.
~Lost to comp crash~ That is who I will be.
I've pondered if there is a way to deal with your destination. || Future || Besides being able to prepare for where you will be there is no changing it. || Fate || No matter what decision I make or where I go || Crossroads || the out come will be the same. || Inevitable ||
As arrogant as I may come of in my own mind a I think of a way to deal with what will be I realize that there is no escaping from what will become of me. There is strength in that. And I will try and try to compromise a way for me to understand the kind of guy I let myself of to be.
I'll find a way or two or three to let make you all understand just how passionate and great of a guy I can be. This is me, without third thought, the one and only lil b.
I can't write here about the stuff I really want to write about. I've been trying to for over a week now, and nothing comes out. Most things just suck too much.
School's bugging me. There's more pressure than ever for me to do well, or else there will be hell to pay. Or rather, I'll be doing a lot more on my own next year if I don't do well. I still feel like I need a year or so off of school.. but it's a good distraction from all the other stresses in my life that completely suck shit or constantly get to me.
I'm playing even more damn card games now that the new Marvel one is out. That's all I fucking do now hobby-wise.. that and Soul Calibur 2 still. I got 107 wins yesterday here at school, topping my old personal record of 77. I rule.
It's weird how I have this personality complex that makes me honestly not give a shit about what people think of me, like in public or whatever, but at the same time, there are those certain few that almost run my life, in that aspect. Lifelong friends are hard to come by and are few and far in between.
I'm going out for a little bit. I'll *try* posting more later. Like actual updates.
-Orochi
|| lil b a year later without.. ||
Today marks the day a year after he left.
This has been one of THE hardest years of my life. So much has happened. I just can't believe he wasn't around for it.
I really miss him.
I just...can't believe i've gone on a year. 363-4 days ago I didn't think that I could go on for a few weeks let alone a few month. I honestly thought that my life could easily come to a screeching halt back then. To lose unconditional love can do that to a person.
I almost wish I hadn't remembered about today. I'm sad. Really sad. I wish he was here. I wish ... he was still here.
I need to lay down. I need to find a peaceful thought. But I don't want to forget..
I miss you Toi.
I Love You.
|| lil b's day at the beach with Whitney Anne.. ||
..was AWESOME! OH man I had a great time today just chillaxing and things at the beach. I mean the weather wasn't great or anything but at least it wasn't bad. Whitney Anne and I went to Ocean Beach here in SF for a few hours then back to my place today. Such a great time!! Heh I just can't get over how wonderful i'm feeling and how great everythings going.
Heh well as always I have plenty to update about but i'm days past my bed time and I wanna see the back of my eyelids for a few hours. I have a feeling tomorrow'll be a long day of card things.
A quick heads up for the card gamers and marvel fans. The Marvel card game just came out and it's looking pretty good. It's complicated as all hell but really fun. Go check it out and we'll be having tourneys somewhere soon[probably].
Heh so yeah i'm expecting to get in late late tonight but i'll try to put some pics of recent events up for you guys. Just for kicks :D. Mm..or bites!
And everyone needs to go listen to Stevie Wonder's "Ribbon's in the sky" and "Lately" cuz they're sexyish. Like me. bwehe
Ah geez...times hinting to me that it's going to be a long week. At least one less hour is outta the way. HINT! Daylight losings time everyone. Set those clocks ahead. Good thing for me I set mine ahead already on April Fools day. What a coinkidink.
OK ok gotta jet jet before the comp locks up again. Baaaai
::...I wish I was better at double speed @_@.::
|| lil b's quickie
I have much to update about but i'm only leaving you with a horoscope for leo's tonight.
Daily Extended
Intellectuals and rationalists suddenly look down their noses at you. There was a time when you could argue philosophy and strategy with the best of them, but now you just do without discussing. This is far beyond blind impulse and dumb luck. Your critical thinking is happening unconsciously. The more you feel that you have to defend your position, the more you'll perceive focused attacks coming at you from a random world. You seem to bruise so easily. Yesterday's warning still holds true. Be careful to take things the way they were meant instead of how you filter them. ~~~
I'm almost surprised about how much reading that hurt me a bit. It was something i've noticed but just haven't had the guts to acknowledge. There's a few things I need to fix about the way i'm thinking. B a lil more positive, eh?
Whitney's hair rocks. <3
I heart waffos. E>
|| lil b's lonely ||
=/
Spent the past several hours mostly in bed half asleep. The pain in my back/neck/chest area keeps getting worse. It even hurts to walk now, as odd as that is. And on top of all that, i've just felt supar lonelyisms. Damn I really wanted to go to the musical tonight again. It's so great just to see everyone on stage. It's so much better than seeing them from backstage because when you're in the audience everyone on stage is just beautiful. I wish I was beautiful @_@.
I'm trying to prevent myself from talking about how i'm feeling because it'll just go into how miserable i'm feeling but it's all probably just due to the damn back pains. I really wish I knew how I could fix it.
Even now I can't sleep because I can feel some of those muscles pulsating and everyone hurts as much as the last one. Ugh
I was just thinking -- when i'm alone for a noticeble period of time I start to feel lost and really lonely. It's almost depressing how it's always like this for me now. Er, at least I think it has been. Already losing track of time. But I dunno. There's a bunch of things about myself that's been bothering me and i've just been too scared to really talk about them. Like i've been wanting to be serious for sometime now but I feel like when I get serious about things then the mood all changes. I feel like I just make things go bad now or at best I keep things just okay =/. That's probably not even true at all. God I think i'm just thinking really stupid again. The loneliness and hurtage are probably getting to me. Jeez what a pointless post.
Oh, I won a box today at galaxy. That kinda made me happy. It was just a minor accomplishment after a long while of not winning anything.
I wanna play harvest moon..
mmm I wanna do everything i'm not capable of doing right now. Like I wanna run around in a park and just be stupid with a bunch of people. Whitney Anne reminded me of how fun and cool it is to just be a kid in a park. I wanna do that right now. Right after my back fixes up that's the first thing I wanna do somehow someway. And also ... I wanna act.
I wanna get excited about something.
Awwwwh man I'm feeling really dumb. I'm trying to catch myself before I say or do something that i'm going to regret. Don't know what exactly but I always manage to do the stupid one way or another like this.
ahhh ok ok ok I should really just try to fall asleep again and hopefully i'll feel better in the morning. God, all I want right now is for this stupid pain to go away and i'll feel 100% again.
|| lil b's back is bwoken ||
So I screwed up my back probably because of rollerblading a few days ago and it's only gotten worse since then. It hurt so much I couldn't go to the musical tonight. I sad. I wanted to watch Whitney and everyone on stage again. I cry. My back hurts.
Dammit this sucks ;_;
|| lil b's sacrifice ||
"...People cannot gain anything without sacrifices."
Why is it that I know that i'm capable of sacrificing everything for someone elses benefit?
"...he gave his life for hers."
what will be _____
lost. gained. remembered. forgotten.
life is sacred and precious.
can one persons life be more important than anothers?
what have i sacrificed to have gained so much?
*insert memory here*
..and I will never forget it.
I woke up
you.
|| lil b remembers ||
Guess I wasn't done talking about things @_@.
I'm thinking that things need to get exciting again. But maybe all the excitedness starts with me. Wait I don't want to talk about all this yet.
I feel loved and hated just like everyone else in the world, for the most part. But I keep noticing the hatedness. Bah, damn haters.
I want something to be different. I'm not totally sure what. I think i'm ultimately still looking for a good change in something. God am I getting that bored with life? That can't be it. Maybe i'm just not presenting enough of myself to deal with everything.
I want to go to bed and wake up with a clear head and have a better view on things. Aren't I the one that's supposed to always be positive? Meant to be wasn't the way it went to be.
So i'll try to go to bed now and continue everything I'd like to talk about right when I wake up. This is assuming I wake up uninterrupted.
Heh I feel like being the best. The best at what? Life y0.
I remember...
Notice me.
Shine.
Think of me.
Love.
Love is fun.
*huggletwothousandsixhundredandtwentythreetimes* I love love you!
|| this that and lil b ||
Heh sorry for the lack of updates for the past however long it's been. I just haven't found the time to update and when I did have the time I wasn't quite in the updating mood.
Jared's pre-bday bash and the Norcal yugioh regional tourney went down this past weekend. Yugioh can go rot in hell for all I care now. I'm in such a yugioh slump I hate it. Jared's party was awesome tho. Not many people can say that they've experienced a Nintendo Gamecube pinata. I can. And it's awesome to say.
Eh, there's been a lot of somethings and too much nothings running through my head recently. I'm as happy as all hell but theres parts of me where I drift off into almost depression. I'm feeling a countdown to something important in my heart. I'm not sure what it is, but i'm not looking forward to it at all.
I don't know what it is. I don't think it's just the heat or me being tired all the time, but somethings bugging me. I keep thinking it has something to do with me quitting the musical. It was actually the only thing I had going on for myself for social/life activities. I'm no longer running on someone elses time schedule.
There are only a few cases in my life where I can recall quitting something big or important. I've never wanted to be viewed as a quitter. But now...I think i'm just dwelling on that fact way too much. I wanted to stick it out. I wanted to be onstage with everybody. I really really did. I still do. but I can't for whatever goddamn reason and it really fucking sucks. I couldn't take that pressure anymore. I just couldn't take the heat from people(s) any longer. Was it something I should have deserved to deal with in the first place? Jeez.
You know, I think i'm also bothered by the fact that I don't feel missed at all but instead I feel hated by a large portion of everyone there for what happened. Not something I should even consider thinking about but hey it's me. But it's true, i'm probably not missed at all. Well, I can only actually think of maybe one person. But in anycase, I dare you to prove me wrong. Maybe you'll win a cookie.
I need to do something with my life. Some friends of mine have been talking about how they haven't done anything productive-ish for the past few months or so and how much it sucks. Well, i'm like at the point where I feel like i'm not going to be doing anything for the next few months so i'm already all sad about it. Sure I could still do something about it now. I guess I just need more self-motivation. It's just hard to think that I could get it back when I gave up on something. Who knew that decision would come to me thinking this way.
Also, ... I feel like I hurt someone so close and so far away and only now am I noticing it. Did i? hm.
Well, at least above all things, I definitely know i'm in love and it's great. she makes my life feel beautiful :D.
I was just thinking about how much it kinda does suck to have all this free time. It always leads me to staying up really late because I feel I have no reason to wake up early or at any given time. Well, that goes for most of the week. I need to find a reason to wake up early. Or maybe I should just start sleeping early. One of the two will do.
Today, I feel like flying...
I could. Couldn't I?
Just realized, somewhere and someway I feel jealous about something. Jealous of time? Always possible...
I feel like a nice cold shower at 2:06 in the morning. Go go go I say! and then a lil bit more .hack 3.
Fun tbe fun.
Why? Why! why why why... Whi! Whi Bri! hehe
uNF. that was a funny word.
Oh yeah. The musical is this week. Go watch and things. Be supportive to Whitney and the rest of the cast and all that jazz. Don't know when i'm going to be watching it yet. I have a feeling its going to hurt for me to watch it =/.
Bwe-he. It's crazy insane fun luckiness to be the me. me me me the me me lil b. heeeee he.
fun the fun fun.
Back into the light I go go.
Happy [now belated] birthday to hella people! XD Yay for Michelle, Jared, and Kevin~
March has way too many birthdays. As do I have way too much homework to keep up with.
I'll update later.. really.
-Orochi
|| lil b willll take you far away from the mucky muck man ||
I just lost my super long post of about the last ooooooh 2 weeksish. I don't much feel like recreating it all right now cuz I want to wake up early enough to play tennis. Yeah. I play tennis now. I also bowled today. Oddly enough. Went with Whitney and it was all sorts of fun! Bowled over 100!!! Wooooo!
Gosh this is so many bits of random.
Uhhmmm San Diego Regionals blew. I placed 60th and Bryant got 30 something. There's another yugioh regional this weekend in Pleasenton. We're going to go. But, there may be another place I wanna be.
The triple bday day is coming up soon. .. right?
Tenacious D rocks.
HALO RULEZZZ!!!!
10th style is coming at ya.
I quit the musical. Felt like it was about 20% my decision to quit. The lacking 80% went off to the director. What a loss...for the musical.
Whitney got 2nd at her FBLA conference!!! Supar great job hun. Me so prouds =D
Invasion of Chaos is out at a local card store near you.
We got kicked out of Dennys...
Holy damn this is the best video i've seen in a while. Heeeey hey yaaaa
I r sleep. More random tidbit update if i'm home tomorrow night. later.
To be honest.. there's a lot running through my headached mind right now. Stuff that I can't really talk about until I deal with it myself..? I guess.
My body's sore from the drive since I'm not really used to it. But it was a fun trip and I hope to do it again soon.
I need sleep. I'll update later.. with everything and then some.
-Orochi
|| lil b orders a chicken soft taco ... *dun dun dun dun DUN* ||
I shall explain the reference when i'm not dead tired and it's 4:30 in the morning. Just updating to let you all know that the yugioh regional tourney is tomorrow and we're all ready to go. We're coming back champs y0.
AND! a lil fun stuff for you guys. Orofski sleeping Orosfki Cam Don't know how long that'll be up but i hope some of you catch it. Heh. All thanks to the mikey: My partner in crazy halo warthog driving fun. HALO IS THE BEST GAME EVER! TOp TIeR MOTHER FucKERS.
Well then, wish us luck for the tourney and all that jazz.
waaah...I miss whitney<3 =(
|| Tis be the lil b ||
Eh sorry I promised a post a few days ago and never got to it. I didn't get home when planned and i've just been too lazy to talk about EVERYTHING since a lot of stuff has happened in the past week or so. I guess i'll start with last mondayish.
So after my crazy post last week I went on a trip. I had actually planned to take a leave a while back because I wanted to be able to think things through for myself for a few days. After Whitney and I broke up I had just felt so lost and confused. I honestly felt like I lost who I was because I felt I couldn't trust everything I had put my faith into before since it seemed that it all let me down. I wanted to be able to get away from everything and certain people, but still "everybody", because there are a lot of people in my life that can ultimately change my perspective on things or take me away from my thoughts. I couldn't have any type of distractions like that while I was "soul searching" again. I wanted to be able to figure out everything for myself without help from another and I wanted to fix myself asap. Due to all the crazy circumstances I just wasn't happy with myself in my current state. I kept thinking that I needed someone else to fix me but I also wanted to be able to fix myself.
What ended up happening is that my friend Vernon called me asking if I wanted to go to Disneyland with him and his family. Man I was so for that idea. I was actually going to go bus, train, bus, bus, bus, train, bus, sleep, bus, and train places. Or something stupid like that. Or just stay at a relatives place for a few days. Whichever happened first. Anyway, an hour after calling me he was already at my door and we were on our way to "dun dundun DUN" ... Jollibee =p. Jollibee is freaking awesome. Lumpia with rice. AMA-ZING! Anyway, off to so cal we were after a bit. Before heading off I left a message on my voice mail which some of you heard, purposely or not. It was basically me saying that i'll be gone a few days and that I may not be taking many calls due to me being on my break from things.
Funny how that was the day that a bunch of people decided to call me. Some calls I left unanswered while others I missed due to swimming or sleeping. Whitney called that day and left a message. I felt heartbroken when I heard her message. She sounded so sad. And I was worried. I had to call her back even though I thought i'd go the week without talking to her. but I was just that damn worried. I called. It was so great to hear her voice even thought it's something I thought I really wanted to get away from. She was ok...I was starting to feel better. I had to end the call and said I didn't know if i'd answer next time she called. I was going to tell her that I missed her, but she said it before I did.
The rest of the night was spent in the swimming pool then running around AM-PM praising it for all it's greatness. Vernon had apparently never been in one before and that wouldn't be the last time we'd be in one for the rest of the trip.
Tuesday was just that of more driving and eating. We were supposed to be at disneyland that day but stupid so cal traffic blows. I visited the hotel where we stayed last year for the band trip. That was cool just to see it and think back on last year. Fun times before the worst of times.
Next day was Disneyland day! Finally. It was cool and all, except for the fact that it rained. Man that sucked. I thought it couldn't rain in disneyland. It wasn't even the cool type of rain. It was like annoying drizzle rain. D-land made crazy money off the ponchos they sold all over the place. Vernons mom even bought us some. It started raining when we got on our first ride too ... ITS A SMALL WORLD. That ride was GREAT! Oh yeah, picked up a few things too. I got that swirly word thingy. I have no idea what it's called but you spin it and it says things. ...yeah. I got the Goofy hat for bryant and a X-ING sign for Whitney. And who could forget the killer blue poncho?! =D
Throughout the trip I did manage to get a lot of the thinking I wanted to get done. I thought about anything and everything. From all of my close friends to the way I wanted to live my life I thought of it all. Ultimately what I came up with was the whole thing about how I said that I believe that i'm the best person that anyone will ever meet. Conceded as it is I take it to heart. I came to peace with that and was ready to come back to my life not knowing what was waiting for me. I was ready to just take life as it came not caring of the outcome of anything. Little did I know what awaited me when I returned to my accepted life. Whitney was still there for me. The thursday I came back (whoa...it was a thursday) we were both looking forward to seeing each other. I sure as hell knew I was. I missed her so much. It was great to see her and spend time with her again. And well, at the end of the day, I was happy again. I felt...complete. It's honestly incredible how everything seems for me right now.
Ah man I need to finish up packing so I wanna wrap this pitas up and eat it. Er.. yeah. Damn this thing is really all over the place cuz i super multi tasked. Oh whatever =P.
Yeah i'm in the process of packing up the things for the rest of the week. Bryant and I are having our first road trip to So cal. We're going down for the yugioh regionals in San Diego and to hang out with everyone down there. I'm really all hyped up for the tournament tho. I'm feeling it for reals XD. I really want to win tho. Must win regionals to get to nationals. I have plenty of luck on my side too! Whitney lent me her Thursday hat and jacket for luck and to remind me of her since i'll be away from her for a few days. The hat works like a charm! It's great! I went to the Serra bowl tournament today and won. I've been on a pretty good streak lately tho. I hope it lasts until after the regional tourney.
So yeah Bryant and I are heading out tomorrow and we'll be back sometime Sunday. Should be a great trip tho. I'm coming home a winner! Well, at least I hope. heh. Well i'm going to finish packing and then off to rest up for the drive tomorrow. Wish us luck everyone! We're going to need it.
~Just a few days and i'll be back. Everyday i'm going to think about you and i'm going to be missing you so much. Love to love to love you!! =D *Spins the red word thingy* Love ya!~
|| lil b's back :D ||
Had a funny weird week away from everything. Came back not knowing what to expect and I was totally surprised. Life is looking a lot better in this new perspective. I'll have all the little details when I get back tonight or tomorrow. Or whenever Bryant takes me home. Lots of things to say.
But i'll let you in on somethings for now.
I feel like i'm falling in love again because well...I am. I love Whitney so much...She still makes me happy.
I'm starting to think differently. Especially about myself. One thing I thought of is that no matter what, i'm going to be damn proud of myself and that i'm the best f'n person anyone will ever meet. Because...i'm just that great. Boo to you because you'll never be able to be me. I'm so great I think I deserve a hug. *hugs himself* =D
Well we're heading out in a dash so off I go and you'll hear from the lil b soon :D. Peace outside.
I'm planning a trip down to SoCal.. particularly for the Yu-Gi-Oh regionals in San Diego on the 28th [used as an excuse to get to visit awesome people XD ].
Sooo.. I know you're on your break, Brian, but I need you to call me ASAP and let me know if you're down to go or not so I can start molding concrete plans. First trip I'm driving myself, so I don't want to leave anything to chance.
Just a little note in case you don't contact me otherwise.. call me as soon as possible. Ideally we're leaving in barely over a week. Time is short man.
Go go go. And take care of yourself while you're at it. Don't you want to win it all? Let's do it together then.
-Orochi
|| believe with lil b ||
V-day was just another day with a foolish name. I thought about how different this year's V-day was from last years. God it just seemed like last years V-day just happened too. I still remember everything. ...There's a post about it on the archives even. I remember being late for class to have to pick up flowers, running around with flowers and a balloon, being nervous as hell singing, the long trip down, and a gaylord building. Wow. Good times. But this year...bad times indeedyo. Well except for the late night Denny's randy-ing and taboo-ing. Those were great times.
I had so many things planned for this stupid day this year too. I Guess the only thing i'm grateful for is that I saved money. If saving money means anything since i've still been putting away so much money for that damn guitar. I wish that I had at least gotten it cheaper or something. Augh.
I don't know where to begin about how i'm feeling and what i've been thinking. There's just so much. So much more thinking to get done.
Because of what's happened i've dropped a lot of the things I believed in for the mean time. I feel really empty as a person right now. I don't believe in too much and i'm only following one thing: Play to win. My life for now has just reverted to competitive dueling and gaming. Oh but apparently my winnings are just due to luck. What-the-fuck-ever.
Before, I really thought I was so close to being a "complete" person. Find your own meaning in that. Anyway, at this point I feel quite the opposite of that. I feel really lost. Lost for thoughts, not just for words. I don't know how I should go about thinking about anything now. Not just about love, but about a lot of things in general. This has affected me way too damn much.
I've thought about starting over from scratch. Reconstruct my life and views on everything from nothing. It may not make sense but i'm left to attempt everything in desperation. It really may seem like everything that's happened to me before may not matter and that none of it will have helped to make me a better person as a whole. But if that's what it takes to be a better person, at least on the outside, then so be it.
I thought also maybe that I might be putting a lot of stress or exaggerations on my beliefs. But if a person doesn't have any beliefs or rules to live by then what is a person left with? Decisions in life must be affected by something as a whole and I think I believe that it all starts by how you think about things. Damn life. What a hard game to have to play. I'm curious to know about what i'm *meant* to believe in.
Holy hell @ today's horoscopes.
***Ask nicely, even when you already know that you're getting what you want. Earning this entitlement is the best way to prolong it. Generosity begets generosity as you pass that good karma down the line. After all, why show the world a greedy face when it's treating you so well? The best thing about having all this power is watching other people's reactions when you share it with them. The element of surprise turns you on. You don't mind being a disruptive force as long as everybody goes away happy. Find new ways to make your life pleasant and fun.***
That was just creepy to read. Weird how it feels like it really does apply to me. Just wish I knew how it did.
Whitney said that i'm what some people would call a hopeless romantic. I'm sure that there was a time I would have heard that, laughed, and probably agreed to it to some degree. But now I wish not to be referred to as that. I don't feel like a hopeless romantic at all. I just feel fucking hopeless.
It seems like she doesn't believe me at all. Or in me even. I feel like i've been getting that a lot recently from people. The gesture of wanting me to be ok is easily recognizable but so is being looked down upon. But I think I can understand why people wouldn't or don't believe in me. It's because I don't believe in myself. At all. For anything. All my beliefs let me down so hard before, I can't keep going on believing what's let me down.
I feel like i've heard that somewhere before. I think Whitney told me that or tried to explain something very similar to that to me. Maybe I understand now. An unfixable love broken because I let it happen and she wanted nothing more to do with it. I'm pathetic.
I can't stress enough how i'm so tired of everything right now. Of all this thinking, arguments, friendships, hardships, pain, suffering, love, and lack there of, belief, words, faith, myself, everyone else, ... life even. I wish I could just drop all of this and just enjoy life again. But I want to enjoy that joy of love and life I once had attained. Selfish of me I know, but fuck, what isn't done selfishly nowadays? Before, at least my selfishness still had good intentions meant for others. Not this only for me and my happiness bullshit.
I wasn't meant to live inside your illusion of love so why am I still stuck with you in my heart?
Whitney said that I don't deserve to go through what i'm going through. I didn't know how else to reply to her but to tell her what i've been thinking. Maybe I didn't deserve her. Maybe, just maybe, I really wasn't good enough. I don't know what I deserve or what I want others to deserve. Does everything have to happen because you deserve something? Do I deserve this? Do I not deserve this? Do people deserve this or that? Ugh that's so stupid. I don't like it and no longer want to relate to it.
When I was down I always heard and told myself that it was just my down time. You know, i think i mentioned it before, that whole work your way back to being in a high mode thing. Well i'm fucking tired of thinking that way, telling myself that, and hearing it because I think that it's complete crap. It didn't work before and I don't think it's going to work ever. It's because of all these lies and illusions that I took it to heart and believed it. Now look where all that got me. I just want to give up because it seems like the easiest thing to do. But you're going to tell me I shouldn't right? Because i'm better than that? Fuck you. She gave up on me. Why can't I just give up on ... everything? I hate everything that's happening.
*6 hours later*
Goodbye.
Friday the 13th and V-day were for the most part [most being 99.9%] pieces of shit.
I need some chill time, too. Like a day.. or a week.. or a month.. who knows.
Knowing me it'll probably be a day or so. Aiya.
On that note.. I'll be back sometime~
-Orochi
|| lil b's end ||
Gave up blogging last night. Friday the thirteenth. Woot. Happy day before singles awareness day. Homos.
Life blows. And so do you. Blogging isn't over and done with because theres a lot more to say. So whaddaya say? Come back another day. ...hooray.
~I wish you looked at me that way
Sauce of the weak =/. I'm going to be gone for a while. Like gone gone. Just a heads up. Ciao.
Hm. Goodbye
|| lil b's end ||
It's time for me to let you all know what the hell has been going on. I don't know how this is all going to come out as i'm just going to type whatever the hell pops up into my head. I guarantee you, a lot of it isn't going to be pretty. I'm not feeling in much of a pretty mood anyway. People may get offended to a certain point but hell, what do you expect? Everythings going to come out. No regrets. I think a lot of different parts of me are going to have something to say in this post. You can identify and distinguish them on your own.
I don't know what to do now. I feel that everything i've believed in up to this point has just been that of false context. I made myself to believe that the life and love I wanted as attainable and easy to maintain and keep. No. I didn't fucking make myself believe anything. I believed in it with all my heart from the very start. I believed that love with save and protect me and the person that I loved. But that wasn't true. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Love destroyed me. Love betrayed me even.
For those that know me, you're probably thinking along the lines of "Brian, you "insert insulting name here", I told you this was going to happen. You always do this. You build yourself up just to be let down. You never learn your fucking lesson." "You're weak." "What happened?"
Jared talked to me about this tonight and it's not the first time i've heard it from someone. Bryant seems to remind me of that fact a lot all the time. It seems that my friends think that I always set the person i'm involved with on the highest pillar. True. They also seem to think that for the most part i'm just setting myself up to get hurt. True? I believe that it really has happened in the past. But...when? When I think back there were a bunch of ones that i've personally ended. The ones that out in the open hurt the most were different cases. Hm. Whatever.
Am I really that predictable?
My whole world has turned upside down. Everything I put my faith, trust, belief, and love into just left my life. She left me. For another. She hurt me. For another. Just...another.
~The thought of you with another. It kills me. Seriously. All the joys I loved and cherished are now given so freely to another without care about me. To think that you'd give someone else that same look you'd give me. Jealousy is getting the better of me. Jealousy...because of you, it could destroy me.~
I'm hurt. I'm really fucking hurt. I feel like i've been toyed with to no end. And I feel that the being screwed in the head game isn't over yet. ~!@God there's a lot I feel i'm holding back because I don't want to make people feel bad or targeted...we'll see how long that lasts@!~
I mentioned before that I felt I was going through an emotional rollercoaster. I still haven't gotten off of that ride. Every other week it's just been "Oop I'm happy!" then the next week it's "Everythings all sorts of fucksed and i'm sad." I almost think that this was all done on purpose. Maybe it was fun to watch me get screwed over left and right. Worst ride of my life.
I really hate myself right now. I'm disappointed and very let-down at myself.
She's put me through hell. She helped me come back only to send me back. I've never been hurt so much by a single person. All in all. Through all this bullshit. Through all this hurt and pain. Through all the doubt, disbelief, and deceit...I still want to be with her.
I still want to be the one to hold her and tell her that I love her. I still want to be the one who can receive her love. I still want to be able to look into those eyes that I fell in love with without having it feel like a stab in the heart. I still want to be able to hold her hand and feel like the world is perfect. I still want to blow into her ear and whisper that I love her only to hear her giggle and say it back. I still want to be here everything as opposed to feeling like her nothing. I still want to wake up every morning with a smile because I knew there was someone out there that I loved and she loved me back. I still want to be able to stare into the moonlit sky and think of her and make a wish for her. I still want to hear her voice everyday because it always made my day. I still want to be with her.
I don't understand any of this. The one thing that started all of this began with her question and my answer. If...If I had just lied. If I had just said yes. Just said yes. Then none of this would have happened. But I didn't say yes. I told her exactly what she didn't want to hear. And I hurt her. By something I couldn't have controlled better, I hurt her. Everyone was right: "Nice guys finish last." I didn't lie to her. I couldnt lie. I'd never lie to her. Especially about something like that. But what if I did? THATS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE. ONE THING. ONE WORD DID ALL OF THIS. ONE THING I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. this is sad. This is just so stupid. I Can't believe any of this bullshit. ITS NOT RIGHT. it's not right.
All this because she couldn't except me for what I was. All this hurt, pain, misunderstandings, crying, screaming, ...
Everyone told me that I seemed to always over-look the fact that she was young. True. I told her today about that. Because in some points, I felt she was older than I was. I still feel like a child. Even more now. I notice my stubborness and stupidity shining and showing itself like there's no tomorrow. But guess what. Fuck tomorrow. Only as of late did her youngness and immaturity get the best of me. Not immature like i'm going to run around the mall half naked screaming "THE PENIS MIGHTIER" but immature in conflicts and arguments. Even in being considerate. When something was wrong I'd be lied to. When a problem arose it wouldn't be dealt with. Instead of fixing things i'd find her running away to find a better day. There's still a lot of growing up to be done.
She claims that i've done nothing wrong. I feel like i've done everything wrong. From the way I treated her to the things that I believed in. I think I did it all wrong.
~As much as I appreciated you giving me a letter..I should have rejected it. Yesterday when you called, I should have hung up. Your call confused me. It made me hope that things could maybe still be ok. And your letter...it just kept taking more away from me. I thought nothing would hurt more than your silence but your words could kill me.~
Bryant said, "To have to come to be this low point that means that you've had to had been at a high point somewhere now is the time to try to get to that high point again." I thought that a few weeks ago back when Whitney and I were having troubles. I just kept telling myself that we were just in our low and that we could fight to get back that high. I wish she thought of things like that so free and easily like I do. If she did...then we'd still be fighting on strong. I feel so stupid for even thinking it now. I broke her heart at one point. Parts of me were scared because maybe I thought she'd try to get me back. That part of me is satisfied in thinking that it was right. I hate to think that I did do that to her. It's so stupid how it all happened. It... was..it just..augh.
When it came to how I felt during these hard times I didn't feel much care or approach of the subject from her until she had dealt her damage. As for me...I always worried about her and cared about how she was holding up and doing. It seemed like to me that if she felt she was doing ok then nothing else was really wrong. What's wrong with being selfish that stupid song asks? I tell you what's wrong with being selfish. In attempting to understand her selfishness my hidden thoughts of hating other peoples selfish actions and thoughts came out. Selfish actions without thoughts of being considerate to others...I hate it. And it seems like i've been a victim of it for way too fucking long now. From all the people I care about it's been done to me in some negative fashion. This is the cream of the crop though. Thought no one could be this damn selfish. I even hate my selfishness. I hate it so much.
~It may be very conceded for me to say so but, I believe that no one else could treat you better than the way I could. You'll find others who will fall for you and blah blah this and that...But you'll never find another like me. I was willing to be so dedicated committed to our love. I still am. And now, now I don't think I can ever offer that to anybody else anymore. You've taken that away from me.~
Falling. My whole world is falling.
I feel my faith in everything dispersing with every thought. Everything that i've believed in is now gone. Just. LIkE. that. The largest part of me has died. Someone else wants to take it's place. I don't think you're ever going to see the old me anymore. Everything is just so topsy-turvy that i'm so willing to give up. If it was up to me tomorrow would never come.
Ugh. It's just not understandable to me. How can you just hurt someone so bad? For selfish reasons. And then...seem to be able to not care? That's just wrong. I don't know what I want to do. I told her that maybe I shouldnt see or hear from her for a while. But maybe that's not whats the best thing for me or what I want to do. It's not really what I want. If I could i'd still want to spend every available minute of her time with her. She's the only one who can fix me. I hate this. The fact that she hurt me so much and yet shes the only one that can help mend this broken heart. ...and soul.
Inconsiderate. SO FUCKING INCONSIDERATE. It's stupid. I've never felt neglected like this before. Thought about only until after happiness comes in whatever way possible. It sickens me. This is what I fell for.
Love. Fuck you. You've taken every last bit of me chewed it up and spit it out. I believed in you so much love. Why did you turn your back on me? I thought you were supposed to protect Whitney and I after we found you? What happened? What the fuck happened?!
I didn't think I was capable of crying this long. I didn't cry much earlier today despite the fact of all the crap I had to endure. I thought I was all cried out. I cried so much yesterday. Thank god Sarah and Sergio were there for me. It hurt so much when I was crying. I'd scream out things. Even my little yelps came out as ows because my chest was about to burst. Random thoughts of everything that happened just kept getting to me. The thought that I didn't know why any of it was happening or just the way the whole situation was being treated just hurt more after every after thought. And now...at least i'm quiet. Being incredibly sleepy and tears are not good for your eyes. My hands seem so blurry. Everything seems blurry. ...This whole situation feels like that of a blur. Happening so fast I barely have enough time to react and do something about anything.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE THIS. IT's not fucking fair. Why do these things happen to me? I swear i had nothing but good intentions. Did I really not try enough. AM I REALLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH???! Am I so weak that I still need her? Am I so weak that I can never be strong without her?
...
Brian, maybe you should do yourself a favor. Forget about her.
I can't just forget about her. I'd never be able to.
Then just think about all the good times. Forget the bad.
That doesn't help at all. Because when I think about it I start to ask why we can't just be that way again. In my mind, it doesn't seem impossible.
You're so weak.
I know. .
I'm nowhere near done talking about this but my body can't stay up typing this crap up anymore. Tomorrow...may be an interesting day. I don't know. Something just might happen. Something unexpected. And maybe...i'll be free.
I'd say goodbye. But i'm scared that it'd be the last. So. I'll see you later?
There will be more...
I have a really big fucking headache right now. Anyway..
My classes are pretty standard.. nothing special, lots of lectures and reading. I haven't really done anything over the past couple of weeks.. haven't had the desire to, not even the usual Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments that happen everywhere like up to four or even five times a week.
One thing admittedly that has been picking up for me is my Soul Calibur 2 game. I've been playing and sessioning with guys practically every other day recently, especially now that the machines I play at [SJSU and SVGL] are cheaper, finally. I ditched Cassy and Maxi for Mitsu and Talim. So far so good.
Kicking ass is a satisfaction that I can't get from anything else. I'm the unluckiest guy in the world [this is true for seemingly almost anything - getting jacked, tires stolen, etc.], so my Yu-Gi-Oh draws sometime make me feel like a shitty duelist, even though the only thing that ever screws me is luck. But whatever.. silly card game.
My first-gen jPS2 is shot to shit practically. My grandma has friends that haven't been around as long as it has, and there's enough dust that's been in and out of it [through repeated cleaning] to feed a poor dust-eating family. So I'm looking into buying another one.. some random limited edition one. I was planning on liquidating some of my card collection sometime soon. At least a quarter of the cards I have. That's gotta net at least 0. At least.
I need something to feel good about again. Something.. anything. C'mooon people.
I'm off to Bran's place. Tomorrow morning me and Brian are taking part of a focus group for a basketball game Konami's putting out. And so begins the new jPS2 fund.
I hope everything's going well for everyone else. Peace out this bitch.
-Orochi
|| lil b's sleeping schedule is screwed ||
Ok so check it. I'm really pissed. My sleeping schedule is sooo messed up right now it's not even funny. I've been trying to fix it for the past week or so but I haven't been having any luck due to late night parties out late and whatnot. So tonight I attempted to fix it kinda. Well, my main goal was just to fall asleep early. So I got off the phone with Whitney around 9ish and I fell asleep moments later. I just woke up a few minutes ago to see Lupin the III on tv and I assumed it was 4 in the morning and was pissed enough as it is. Then I find out it's only 2 and omg I cry. So yeah, i'm still screwed in the head for sleep for at least a few more days. This blows =/
~Someone might be envious of you right now.
Someone might be admiring something that you yourself hadn't realized yet.~
That ring's so true for every individual in one way or another doesn't it? That's sweet.
Mm bah I really don't know what i'm going to do about the sleeping thing but since I can't sleep im going to be watching some vids and stuff a for a few hours. Hopefully i'll fall asleep early enough to make a difference in things.
I had a bad dream.
|| 1, 2, 4! lil b's not bwoke no more! ||
Whoa haven't touched this thing in a while. Sorry about that everyone. It's about 4:50am right now and i'm just restless and things so I decided to mini-update. I think i'm just doing this in hopes that i'll get bored of trying to think of whats happened over the last couple of days and i'll maybe just collapse =p.
So uhm after a long, emotional, and hectic 3 weeks or so, I finally feel like things are back to normal and i'm happy again. I may have been a lil bwoken for a while but I feel tons better now. Better than i've felt in supar long. I owe a lot of people for helping me get through the past few weeks. I'll get you all back. Valentine's day sounds good and all for that sort of thing. heh.
"I still love you, hehe." Gosh that was the most uplifting thing i've heard in so long. I wish I could put into words right now how I felt when I heard Whitney say that to me. I had to throw in the 'hehe' cuz damn I love her giggle XD. Ahhhh i'm just so happy I can't believe it. I wish I could go to see Whitney tomorrow but she's busy with stuff and I have to go to my sisters confirmation. Geez Justine is getting confirmed! She's getting old. Haha
Ack ok I didn't think I could type for long anyway so off to sleep. I know I have a crap-ton more things I wanna mention before I forget them but it'll have to wait til tonite. Hope you all have a good one!
Love you Whitney!!! <3
"I never want to lose again. I want to be the best. I want to be a winner. I want to feel like i'm something special because right now I feel like nothing. I feel like i'm just nothing. I need to prove to the world and to myself that i'm not just NOTHING."
It's eerie how that's pretty much a direct quote out of my mouth from not too long ago.. seeing as how I have a tendency to think and feel like that every now and then. It probably is. But that just might be the pessimist in me talking.
I feel a reeeally long post coming up in the near future.. considering I haven't updated in a while anyway. But I like vague posts.
You watch movies all the time about how villains and bad guys all become bent on doing something to prove themselves to the world, because of something shitty that happened to them in the past. It's weird how stuff like that makes you feel that way. There are individual things going on in my life with almost everyone close to me, and it's gonna take a lot of world domination and supremacy to help me get out of this one. And with school starting up again in less than two weeks and my Colts out of the playoffs, there's not a whole lot to look forward to.
I hate the helpless feeling I get when there's something wrong with people I know and there's pretty much nothing I can do at all to help or fix things. It's always something.
It's always something.
-Orochi
|| ... ||
Im bwoken. I thought you could always fix me when I was bwoke. But you don't want to this time do you?
Isn't this just our low? Can't we see a high point again?
I've lost my faith in a lot of things.
False hope. Thats what you gave to me. That's what you tore away from me.
I'm sorry I let things get so bad. I'm sorry you felt you had to lie to me. I'm sorry you feel I can't make you happy anymore. I'm sorry I hurt you like no one else could. I'm sorry i'm not enough for you anymore. I'm sorry you bwoke me. I'm sorry only you have the power to fully fix me. I'm sorry I gave you my heart never expecting it back. I'm sorry I believed in you so much only to be let down in the end. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
|| ... ||
Earlier I had another post up expressing a lot of thing's i've been feeling. Had a lot of cussing and random 'dark' crap along with it and I guess I wanted to spare you all of that. At least for now. I was lying in the last post when I said things were looking up. Er well, maybe I didn't quite lie but I think I said it a bit too freely. Thing's aren't looking up. "I'm where nobody ever wants to be: Emotional HELL."
Actually I feel more on an emotional rollercoaster. I've never felt so many up's and down's in such a short amount of time. And this is like SUPAR UP and SUPAR DOWN. Have I ever mentioned...I'm not too fond of rollercoasters? =/
~Hey, do you believe in heroes? ..Someone who comes to help when you're in trouble.~
Why do you build me up *whistles* just to let me down...
~Die?
I never want to lose again. I want to be the best. I want to be a winner. I want to feel like i'm something special because right now I feel like nothing. I feel like i'm just nothing. I need to prove to the world and to myself that i'm not just NOTHING.
I believe in heroes. A hero shows up in a clutch and saves me, no matter how deep of a hole i'm in. That's a hero. I have a lot of heroes for there are so many people in my life who have come for my rescue in just this past week. I don't take any of you for granted because you all mean so much to me...and maybe i'm hoping that in knowing that I don't take any of you for granted that maybe it'll happen TO me. In anycase..I'm a lucky guy for having so many people that care about me so much. I wish...I wish that was enough to fully fill those hole within but I don't think it is.
This is just so
unfair.
I don't know what I could have done to possibly deserve any of this crap. I would like to go into details but I shouldn't. Not here anyway..or yet.
It's uh, pretty hard to imagine myself happy anytime soon. Cause everything that's happening just isn't fair and it hurts so much. I feel emotionally screwed. I don't know what to do right now and i'm not even sure exactly how I want things to play out but in the long run all I want is for her and I to be happy again.
I'm confused. I don't know where we stand. Maybe we're something. Or maybe we're like what I feel like...nothing. I feel like i've been toyed with. I'm so torn up inside I can't feel things anymore.
You know, cause of this past week i've acquired this huge pain in my chest. Probably due to heavy doses of crying sessions. On Tuesday it felt pretty bad but yesterday was the worst. It's like a cramp or something when I start breathing heavily. Crying pains....whowhuddathunk.
Put on a happy face. I can't do it. So many of you have just asked me to do that. But I can't. It's like lying to how i'm feeling. If feeling totally fucked up and emotionally abused made people smile, i'd be the happiest guy in the world right now -_-. I don't wanna play this game anymore. Dammit.
Ugh no more, I can't be vague on the subject any longer so I just gotta stop. Whatever.
|| lilbbound ||
First off, HAPPY BDAY JUSTINE!!! No one could ever ask for a better sister =D. Hope you had a good one. And enjoy your bag =p
I feel good! ~dunnahnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh~ Heh I feel so much better than I did one week ago. I mean i'm still tired as all hell but i'm so glad to know that things are going to be ok again.
A lil while ago, er maybe it was yesterday night/morning, I went through a bunch of the archives. I don't remember actually doing that for the sake of reading through it. Bryant posts like 1 for every of my 5 =p. And God I really do end all my posts with something in relation to sleep. That blows! I didn't even notice that I did that as much as I did/do. and it seems like my writing styles changed a crapload. Nothing important, just noticed it. And dammit we missed the one year anniversary for twin bee. It didn't even hit me until right now.
I want more inspiration and motivation to start writing tid-bits here and there again. I miss writing the way I used to.
Ahhh more and more yo-yo videos! The lot of you should know of my new craaaazy obsession with yo-yo's. This past Saturday I went with Sean and Joey to Alameda for a yo-yo get-together thingy. It was cool just to see a group of a dozen or so doing their thing. Even tho it made me feel like I suck so much now =p. But i'll get better, I promise. I need a few more yo-yo's tho. I my don't get me wrong, I LOVE my Xodus but it's too much for me on a lot of accounts. It's heavier than i'm used to it being and it's either really too sensitive or not sensitive enough. Depends on how much I lube it and drench the stuff in nail polish remover. I eventually would like to get an Element X and I was advised to get 2 speed beetles. Although I got to try out a sigma blade and that felt really good. And there's the speeder too! OH OH And I want a freehand too! Freehands are so sexy feelings. Damn I wish I had the money for all of that.
Oh for all you asian music specialists I need help! There's this song I really like and would like to know what the hell it is and who's it by =p. It's on this yo-yo vid. Uh, everyone should grab this vid anyway. So bad ass XD. Yotomo!!! So yeah, if anyone could help me with that that'd be sweetalicious.
Well i'm going to go practice with my Xodus for a bit. I wanna land a suicide dammit. And i'm going to head to Westmoor for a bit after school today to see Whitney and the rest of the gang. Wo0o, thing's are finally looking up again. This is so great ^_^
Heh....funga fufu~ |
NAME: orochi AGE: older than brian BDATE: june1 EMAIL: orochi_bryant@yahoo.com AIM: ... LOCATION: SF bay area, ca LIKES: video games, sleep, yu-gi-oh, music, dark things DISLIKES: losing, fat people, pickles, school FETISHES: ... FOOD/DRINK: meltykiss and pizookie =O MUSIC: asian pop, techno, trance, euro RECENT GAMES: tactics advance, soul calibur2, bemani PLACES TO PLAY: golflands, peoples' houses, on the interweb SITES: kiraku na akuma, aotenjou, monki blogs, [Ø g.r.a.v.i.t.y], florescence 2, soulcalibur, friendster QUOTE: ... Archives: Teh Archives
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