V   Tuesday, January 29, 2002 V
  Y 02:55 a.m.
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X  Tap Tap - Keyboard & Fingers

Haven't slept yet. Perhaps its bcoz I sleep to much during the day. But the main thing is that I am awake now. Yes nee-chan I do blog at the weirdest hours. Haven't slept since you called >P

Don't you sometimes lie awake at nights and just let your mind wonder off on its own 'free' will? Somehow it always ends up a tragic experience, a sojourn down miserable memory lane, a journey of discovery into the ver depth of your own heart. [Hmmm, seriously been reading too much flowery prose of L. M. Montgomery -_- Also let me say aforehand for several ppl's benefits & my own peace o fmind that I do not believe the world revolves around moi (though sometimes I wish it might just for a few hrs/dasy/months/yrs. oh nvm... >P]

I've always believed that lack of sleep brings up the most intriguing conversations, well that includes ones with oneself. They're usually very one-sided thought I must say, (ummm lame pun), and in the dark it tends to get gloomy, thought never anything that you would repeat out loud since some are quite philosophical and close to the heart.

Sometimes I find myself contradictory if that could be an adjective for a person. It's too strong to use 'hypocritical'. I often feel that I do not put enought of myself into this 'blog' but then I'm afraid to reveal things on here as well. Not totally out of fear of rejection but also a fear of dissipating denial - the veil through which we view the world, our personal schemas.
[definitely too much L. M. Montgomery]

I swear I'm such a helpless romantic at heart >.< *sigh* some of my close friends knows how much of a softie I am at heart, but then it's hard to always shut ppl out. And kinda lonely...
[should not prowl around house at night]
I was rifling through some old 'compositions' after talk with Lilack about ficcing & writing in general... and found a lil' something. It was suppose to be in the school mag but then, never got there. It seems to sum up quite a lot... but then people change, don't they?

We each wear a thousand masks, but may I ask, which one is the real you?

We change our masks to suit the people we deal with, whether it is a friend, family, or people we work with. We build a wall to protect our-selves whether we wish it or not. It is a tough world we live in today. Naturally, through our days in school we grow protective of our own interests, we build this wall, cushioning us againstthe line of fire from others.

I wonder at what point do we stop to consider the effects of this wall. From personal experience I can say that one never does. We build it, and eventually the action of protecting ourselves, using this wall, becomes instinctive. We push people away unconsciously by putting on a certain act, saying a certain phrase (sarcastic or offensive), or by pushing the other pseron's buttons.

We eventually appreciate this skill, and develop it to a certain degree that is called articitc talent with words. Swords play without drawing lbood, but wounding deeper than one can ever imagine. And WOW! We do all this unconsciously, you must be thinking, "This writer doesn't know what s/he is talking about!" Yeah, truly in a way I don't, I don't know how each person feels towards this topic, but I can truthfully say, "It is a lonely road if one has to walk alone, it is unlike any feeling you have or woul dexperience. The loneliness is a sharp pain that aches to the center of your being, and it continues to hurt whenever you would think of life."

I do not have the authority or the qualifications to tell you to open up. maybe most of you are unlike me, you have let down those walls or have never build them in the first place. Or some of you may be like me and have never realized til the point in you life that the wall crumbles and takes you with it. And as the years' worth of injuries and pain hits all in one blow... you fall. Untimely. You fall. May my fall be a warning to those who build.

Learn to trust, learn to speak, learn to hear what they say.