Wednesday, June 12, 2002, 10:01 p.m.

Konbanwan minna-san, gomen nesai for leaving this on ... just been too lazy after that wk busy with end of Semester, and Exam prep ^^ not that I do much of either anyways.
Lilack-chan threatened to change this if I didn't
1. change the blog layout, (which I don't have time to)
2. post a msg saying that I won't be changing layout but am no longer in said "suicidal depression" :p kekeke

Few absolutely obvious sentiments:

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.

Enjoy the simple things. Remember - when you were young, that's all you could afford. When you were in college, that's all that you could afford. When you are on retirement, that is /still/ all that you can afford!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Neko

Day: Unknown, Date: Unknown, Time: Unknown

Why is it that i can break away the bonds of friendship so easily and not feel loss?
Why do i always break the bond of friendship? no its not true that i don't feel but more as if i am hurt, but i know its a necessity and thus i sustain myself through the pain with the pain.
The more pain i feel the more i realise what falsities friendships really are. How superficial the inter-relation between people truly are. There is no friendship that out lasts life. There is only periodical acqaintanceships, here one can know another only as much as one wishes to. It's never an unselfish choice. We are all motivated by the same monster within us. Loneliness.

Is it not a monster? It eats you up alive, corrodes away the central being of our souls, if only we had one. Such motivation, ever present, it drives us, it drives me.
It drives me to seek out others, share my time and self with them in order to feel completed, but ... i don't. I don't feel it, I don't feel complete. Have i not found the right one? This incompleteness, is it just my imagination?
Unknowingly produced as a means of justifying my actions yet again? Justify this fruitless search? a search for 'friendship', no, a search for companionship.

Sharing of thoughts, memories, self. Is that what we wish for? then after that how can we be individuals? even after sharing would the other(s) understand?
Of course not. No one being would ever be able to understand another, they can't accept a different existence from their own thus there is never true acceptance.
There is the denial of facts/actions that does not adhere to ones known to their own.

Never true acceptance.

Then if i know this why do i seek? what do i seek?

must i maintain superficial friendships that would never involve the actual sharing of 'souls'?
"to get through this life the only legacy that i can leave you with is:
to be able to survive you need to be able to withstand Loneliness"
Someone used to say that.
Emblazoned in my mind is the image of a solitary figure. But now i find that solitary figure isn't her.
It's me.

If you dont understand yourself how can you expect others to understand you?

i can't share my soul with another.

If you don't try to understand yourself how can you expect others to try?

should i change myself to be more easily acceptable?

What if you changed yourself and they still don't accept you? What will you do then?

does it matter? does it matter to you?

Neko