+tsu waited for you at 05:32 a.m.+

that which bores me

NYAA is boring.
It's so boring I could cry.
Just how many times can you repeat the same sentance that YES! You are Adventurous and Eager to Learn New Things and find a Way to Serve the Country Better?!!?!?

Repeat after me: argh. argh. agrh.

The only people whom I can see enjoying this task would be narcissistic individuals and even then, I think they'll have trouble writing 8,000 word essays about themselves.

Repeat: argh. argh. argh.

if not for the fact that I spent so much effort in it
I simply won't even bother

+tsu waited for you at 02:48 a.m.+

NYAA and counting

5,000 words left to go.
Urgh.
And I don't even know if my printer has enough ink to print either.
Amd I need to get Mr James' to sign the book.
*sighs*
And Tuesday is Alex's birthday (which I do not have a gift for argh)

Argh must concentrate and do work and not think of EGL or other pretty things.

Anyway, I'll be slacking around in school tomorrow since I'm not wanted at home. Offering Lit tuition to Graham in exchange he pays for my taxi fare. Jared claims he'll cook me lunch. *giggles* You know, if I sold his offer to Natasha I'll problably be able to buy another 3m of lining.(because she'll be willing to pay to eat his cooking in his house hah!)

After tutoring (and scrumming up NYAA - oh pain!) will problably call up Sak and head down to Arab Street to look for the second-hand Japanese clothes shop that sounds suspiciously like a ClosetChild-wannabe. I don't care though~ if there's EGL in it - I'll find it.

Playing Suikoden is addictive. After a while you start getting PS2 withdrawl symptoms if you stay away from it for extended periods of time. Anyway, Kyle is problably gay, is blonde and reminds me of Yohji Kodou lol. Um. Anyway.

*sighs*

It's due on Wednesday
Maybe I'll just do it tomorrow.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:41 a.m.+

exchanger wounds

Listening to: DaniCalifornia

I don't really know what to say anymore.

And I cope.
I cope.

I cope by surfing EGL-sites
I cope by sinking within myself further
I cope by drinking cheap alcohol from 7/11
I cope by sleeping
and most of all -
I don't know you.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't.

It's the feeling of being deserted and abandoned - as if the old gods who cared for me stopped watching or faded back to dreams. I feel lost you know? Not the usual lost-edness (as in direction), but the painful abandonment and betrayal. To a large extent I feel betrayed by my own ideals - that loyalty doesn't exist anymore, and truth is nothing but a pleasant guise on the tongue. All the things I believed in so strongly, they crumble again and again and.......disappointing.

On one level it's because of audy. While I'm not stupid enough to believe that everything will remain in status quo, I can't help feeling betrayed. Not by her, but by time. Do you know what it feels like to have someone tell you that yes, maybe three years ago it would've worked out?

You don't understand do you?
I put every single effort into ensuring our future.
I was willing to get disowned, ditch my scholarship and quit university halfway just to start our dreams together.

And while I can always hold her to her promises she made but forgot - I can't. I can't because I care for her and her happiness and I would never trap someone voluntarily even if I could. Do you understand? I care so much that I don't even have the heart to hold her to promises she made but forgot, to even hurt her back even if I could.

And yet....and yet.....and yet....
I don't even know what to say
It's like the only thing holding me alive is suddenly cracked
And I'm just left alone again
left alone again just like last time
and there's no one left to rescue me
not anymore
not anymore
just........
no one

and that night when i cried
as everything fell
and broke so sick and painful
i told myself that i had to go on
even if i didn't have her
even if i didn't have anyone
even if i didn't want to live anymore
even if i could never trust anymore
oh god
it just hurts
to be alive

my hands are so cold.

because she's normal now
she doesn't think about wind she doesn't care about things i care about
even if she listens - she's disinterested
after all, it's inapplicable
how can you feel someone else's hell when right now you're in heaven?
she's got her friends - gerard, marcus, kaiyun, gary etc
and it's just time for me to fade
and let her natural future take over
and i don't interfere
that's it right?
that's all you have to know.
that's all you really have to know.

wounded animals
cry and moan and whine
dying slowly in open savannah
wait
for the release of
-rescue

----------

Part of it is the sense of disquiet as I try to assimilate into CJC

As much as I enjoy the company of T6/T8 people
Sometimes it's frightening how they control
what I say
what I do

It's not a one-off thing y'know? If it were, I won't be so bothered by it. But it's acculumative - like during tuition Jared and Brendan keep shushing me even if I have a legitimate question. Or Graham sometimes pulls me down when I feel that the speaker's reasoning is illogical. Or Xiao An telling me off for speaking up ("public embarassment" he calls it - then would the person prefer if I backstabbed them by telling behind?)

And all this just adds up
to the simple fact:
they don't understand

Like when I speak up, they think I'm attacking the person but why would I? I don't care for ministers or actors or teachers or students - I wander through school oblivious most of the time. I'm far more interested in the principles of it, the idea. And yet - they think I'm arguing for the sake of it, or just to put this illuminary down.

what the hell for?

And since they think that way, they stop me
even if there IS a logic loophole

I can explain it over and over and over and they'll still not get it. On level it's just annoying, on another it's scary because I don't want to lose myself just for their company.

Another point is that while I genuinely like some of them ie. Graham, Jared - occasionally I don't like some people (whom I will NOT mention because it's too trival).

*sighs*
Argh is the correct word.

------

GP exam sucked.
Did the wrong essay question
Didn't finish comprehension
Screwed up.

The first problem was the essay. While there were other questions that were easier (read: spotted and memorized) I did the one that really caught my eye but was problably one of the hardest questions in the exam.

Question: "If the youth knew; if the old could." Comment.

I have this theory that the shorter the question is, the harder to do it. And in this is a PERFECT EXAMPLE of it. If you can figure how to write an arguementative essay out of this with counter arguements and refutations then well - congrats. In the end I ditched the usual structure and went my own merry way

which is practically asking for trouble
but I though the comprehension would be easier
*sighs*

The comprehension was harder - if it's possible. It wasn't hard as in difficult to comprehend, but hard in the sense that it was tedious. It wasn't that I didn't know what to do, but rather I just ran out of time (fuck)

Ah well.....shikata nai
The only thing left to do is study for the rest of the papers.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:24 p.m.+

Soulfood

Listening to: Placebo

I'm getting into the habit of collecting short films - most about 5 to 15mins long (max). It's not about plot per se (though I think Polar Bear Gary is the FUNNIEST thing ever) but the aesthetic beauty of it. Not to mention that 3/4 of it tend to be either photographicmotioncaptures, or animation. And usually - the shorter it is, the higher the quality of aesthetic value.

Some of it is just for comedy though ie. Original 1878 Cat Came Back video or Betty Boop clips. Watching Felix and his magic bag seems to give a delicate, wistfully nostalgic feeling coupled with a renewed appreciated for graphics and design. In terms of sheer graphic design - Felix problably wins. Strong use of monochrome, minimalist designs in basic shapes and a dry, not-really-for-kids, humour. But of course - he saves the day(!)

Interestingly enough -
Does anyone else notice that Felix's bag looks *a lot* like Louis Vuitton's latest range?

I quite like LV's playful murakami "fringe" designs - very cute. Not willing to pay gazillions for it though. The white is much nicer than the brown I think - brown is jarring with that bright sunshinely colours of pink, orange and turqoise blue.

No school today so I spent the day sleeping then going to buy my neko-cloth (so beautiful! so red! so adorable!) and realized that I had to line it because the weave wasn't soft enough. I don't really mind though. I'll rather pay for a high-quality, beautifully cut and lined dress than a badly made and badly sewn one. The problem now is deciding what design to make. The pattern is outstanding enough, so I don't really want anything ruffly or too busy. The problem is mainly in the front panel. I can't find any good high quality red (bordeaux) lace and since I have 2 ribbons behind already - that leaves ribbons out too. I hate shirring, so I don't want that either which leaves ruffles. But ruffles are busy. *sighs*

Buttons perhaps? But it will compete with the pattern.

*sighs*

Ah well, will figure something out.

Note: the pattern isn't floral or summery as I thought it'll be, but it IS cute and the colour makes it classy enough for any season. Can be matched with white, black or cream blouse.

-------

Econs was fun. Surprisingly lot of people came despite the GP exam tomorrow. Looks like no one really cares how well to do lol~ I'll just bring my GP file to please Sng tomorrow or something. (have to talk to Tan SL about extending NYAA fitness too)

Learning Econs really makes you appreciate the govt. for what it's worth. Really. There's no point being an unbalanced judge - any taxidriver can complain. To be sure, PAP does have some good points. Our economic policies are farsighted, strong and well-funded although our human rights and freedoms are severely limited. Which begs the question - what would you do?

It's an interesting question of balance I guess.
Varying amounts person by person.
Depends entirely on your piorities.

Feeling rather truthful - I told Graham what really happened and he said he didn't mind. Maybe even though I can't apologize to the entire school for lying and fraud - I do feel much better now that he said it's okay. :D Not so bad after all.

Although - I note - he did mention that I was very manulpiative, shrewd and frighteningly logical.

Am I?
The first 2 I agree, but am I that frighteningly logical?

According to psychometric tests, I should be in science because I'm more left-brained than right. But I seem to do okay in arts - which makes you wonder if nature is that powerful after all. Seems like personality and interest factors much as well (theory 1) OR! it could be that both disciplines require much of the same thing except that people don't realize it due to the continual subject-bashing that BOTH arts and science students indulge in.

They call us wishy washy.....
We call them anal-nerdpickers....

Ah~ the culture of empiricalism lol~

Anyway, tomorrow is GP exam. Hopefully everything will go well and my pen won't run out of ink (like last time. bleh.) After which I promised Graham to run through his ShortRun Production then Glass Menagerie play (Sarkies Road) then all of us (the usual people) are heading down to GV to catch X-Men 3.

Seems like busy huh?
LOL.

friday's not that far away

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:46 p.m.+

The Finer Points.

Urgh sleeping at 2am then having GP and Lit in the morning is the practically zombified.

It's amazing how with proper conditions and stress levels - you become base animals living on instincts. The glorified Concrete Jungle Survivor. Basically school life can be whittled down into 2 Very Important Factors: How Much you can Do Without and How Much More to Do. For instance - JC life teaches you to live on air and sunlight (I've managed to go without food for 2 days straight) without fainting, it teaches you how to hold your bladder for 9hour long papers, it teaches you how to sneak food up discreetly and sleep standing up. Actually....come to think of it - it's a lot like the army.

And somehow or other, you have to get Work Done, In physics theory, Work Done = Force x Distance. In real life, Work Done is how many words you can spew, how many sentances you can construct while hungry, watching the clock and dead sleepy. The only time JC people ever have any energy is sleeping.

To sleep in class is an Art. We have teachers walking up and down the aisles to ensure no student sleeps during lecture, and during tutorials, sleeping students are sent out of class. At the same time, you can't sleep during assembly or what extra classes either. (sad isn't it?) And if you DO get caught - it's dentention.

So how d'you sleep without looking like you are?

1. The Goldfish Sleep
Basically, it's sleeping with your eyes open. As far as I know, only Alex and Hazel could manage this effectively without drying their eyeballs.

2. The Thoughtful Look
I use this a lot because I tend to tilt my head to think - so it looks like I'm thinking when I'm sleeping on my wrist. The bad part is that you have to get the angle of the wrist just under your chin correctly, if not your head will fall and people will catch you.

-------------

Put up all the posters for the new competition today. I hope many people will participate. It's a pretty good deal - $100 prize. The posters are much prettier this time too, and as a new tactic, we're giving out free posters to anyone interested ^^

Collecting testimonials is annoying.
shikata nai The things you do.

Because I finished at 1pm and NYAA only starts at 3pm so I went home to get my PE attire, have lunch and come back. Or at least, that was my intention. Except that I didn't because I was just so bloody tired (and irritable. and annoyed. and just plain exhausted.) Sorry to Alex though - I pang seh you! >_> Well at least she understood. Slept like the dead from 3pm to 7pm. I didn't even change out of my uniform and just spazzed out on the bed.

It's just so tiring
So tiring that's all

-----------

In a way it's a good thing. I learn to be emotionless to some degree because I really couldn't care less anymore. I can't be bothered with people because people take effort and energy and time. I'm so tired I don't feel anything more than a slight pain when someone behaves hurtfully or says something hurtful. It just washes away under the flood of exhaustion that keeps you from feeling everything.

You really don't care.
And you really don't feel.
Feeling hurt and angry requires energy
And most of the time I'm just too drained to do more than sigh.

It's not thinking about work
It's just not there.
Nothing.
Hollowed.
Drained.

Has advantages however. No pain. No hurt. No disappointment. Just like..."okay." and then you're back to doing reports and essays and forms. Like drowning. But a different kind - a subsumation of self into a purpose (where is it going? who cares.)

I actually think it's good
People can't hurt me anymore
Even if they leave me, betray me, hurt me
I don't need them
Not so much anymore.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:41 p.m.+

f x d = work done

list
1. NYAA fitness CD
2. NYAA full report (still short of pics and 4,000 words)
3. NYAA fitness practical (short of 6 hrs?ish)
4. Editorial Competition 2
5. Editorial article collection
6. Editorial CIP (fuckit)
7. 'S' Lit essay homework (for Sng.)
8. 'S' Lit presentation (for fahy.)
9. Econs TYS MCQ (ForEx)
10. Revise for GP midyears!!!!!

You know
I feel so productive that I finished part of the list
LOL.

or maybe I'm just a secret workaholic.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:41 a.m.+

We Are The STARS! of ze future

Listening to: Gackt + Perriot

Chinese sucked, but vaccums suck more so.....I don't know. I really dislike how she nags at me non-stop - it's worse than my mother. I'll do my work okay? But at my own pace. Asking over and over again just makes me frustrated and rubs me the wrong way. I just can't stand her. ARGH. The mixture of threats and suckingup annoys me till no end and I dislike naggy people. I can hear you okay? ONCE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

Drifted through most of my classes aimlessly - surprisingly, a number of people congraluated me on winning the poetry competition (*snorts* crown of Literature indeed). Interesting part being that the people whom I expected that would congradulate me did not; and the people whom I did NOT expect to did. *muses* It does say something interesting about the people who want my company doesn't it? Or so it seems.......Funny thing about it was that all the winners were girls, and all the girls were from IJ. Doesn't matter which - an IJ girl is always an IJ girl I guess.

The scholarship talk was funny. LOL. From the attendance list - shows about 38-odd Spaper candidates; of which only seven were doing humanities. *ponders* It does say a lot about the difficulty of arts as a subject doesn't it? Pity the Science Fac. sees us as incompetent slackers.

I always find it interesting (and ironic. and paradoxical. and whateverish.) that Science - the epitome of Rational Thought and Objectivity is treated as solid facts despite having assumptions but Arts - supposedly irrational, has NO assumptions and yet is treated as a poorer form of knowledge compared to the empircalism of science.

Anyway, they handed out a booklet with a front cover of:


Mind you, it's purple and gaylooking with the SingaporeSkyline spazzed out on the front cover.

In which we flip randomly and see:



tsu's reactions:MUWHAHAHAHAHAHUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Now, I'm sitting next to Kaiwen and we couldn't stop laughing. The poor scholarship-lecturer was like "wtf-ing" us every 5 mins cos we kept on making dumb jokes ie.

lecturer: "....you must remember you are facing Very Tough Competition from Not Only Singapore.."
Kaiwen: "But JB and Batam too."
tsu: "....to see who has the biggest yellow boots!"

tsu: "so! do you feel like the Stars of the Future?"
Kaiwen: "ahahaha...more like No Future."
tsu: "....I'll rather be a Star of Destiny lol."
Kaiwen: "wah lau Midyears on Friday just piang PS2."

tsu: *reads* "No one's from CJC. All RJC, HCJC etc."
Kaiwen: "Look at us man! If they let us be in it - what kind of quality d'you expect?"
tsu: "we can be the FIRST CJCians ahahah....award for Literature....grow up to be Poetic Straving Roadsweepers."

Well - can't say it was informative. But it was pretty fun! Oh for those who wanted Gabriel to be there, I didn't see him and I didn't see him name on the list either. He problably dropped out(?) No idea really. The only T22 person was some guy called Tan Hong Chun but he didn't turn up. Pity though - it'll be fun to distrub him just for kicks. I can just imagine the entertainment value from it. Can you?! LOL. The horrified look of disgust (which he conviently shares with Mrs Sng), the shock registering that ZOMG tsu-Demon-Personified Is Here! and the way he automatically scrambles to the next table is just utterly hilarious. I mean it. You really do have to see it to believe it. One day, I'll just ask Clare to tape it for me so everyone can watch on YouTube lol~

----------------------------------------

More seriously though:
Do I want to be a scholar?

Most of the scholarships have bonds - which means I'll be tied to so-and-so company for a minimum of 6 years or so. Not to mention I'll be working in the public service sector aka. PSC. There are scholarships I'm interested in. Like GIC one and the SMU one. On the other hand - I really do want to be a fashion designer and run my own business.

The problem is this:
Currently - audy, sak, leXis, natz....all the people I have asked to work with me have not yet decided whether to or not. And if I refuse the scholarship oppotunity and THEY decide not to work with me - I lose 6 years' worth of job security. (and bonuses. and promotions.)

I'm perfectly serious here.

I just don't know if I can trust them.
I really don't know if they will join me or not.

Pros of signing up:
-starting pay of $3k
-6 years' worth of job security
-I don't need to use dad's money.[FREEDOM FROM FAMILY]
-a nice addition to resume
-university + boarding fees paid

Or to quote: "CASH. JOBS. GLORY."

Cons of signing up

- Will not be able to work for any company for the next 6 years.
-Will not be able to form my own company.
-Will not be able to leave country.

Quote: "Government Slave."

And I'm seriously seriously tempted.
I like security. I like stability. I like peace.
The salary is decent - it's enough to buy that skyhigh penthouse in Orchard and the chances of promotion are good.

Which makes me wonder:
Is it worth it?
Will audy really stay with me?

Because I really don't know if she's interested in building a fashion business. She might want to be with ichimarku in an advertising firm. And whenever I ask her she never gives a proper answer - as though this is miles and miles away from the present. It's not. It's not really. It seems very far but it isn't really. What descisions you make now affect the future - which will one day be the present.

But anyhow......

I really don't know.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:56 a.m.+

On the way

dreams give no solace now
with taunting eyes and mocking smiles
that haunt in the corridors of mind
and so sleep is sleep of just
with tossing bodies and wakeful nights that provide no solace for a burdened heart

Sleeping on the car; Sunday, on the way home.
The wind felt nice.
Actually fell asleep writing part of it.
It's supposed to echo the pattern of Yeats though
Dunno if it worked.

------------

I keep telling myself I have to go on and not give up or give in. With every inch and fibre and inner strength that I have to look at it in the eye and not get down. I don't want to cry - not anymore, because crying is prelude to giving in to the pressure. And besides, tears fill nothing - just liquid saline.

It's as though my patience is being tested to the point of no return - like a breakout of rage just waiting to happen. I haven't gotten there yet - slowly but surely I can feel this cold cold hatred welling inside just waiting for someone to cross it - and all the floodgates open in a rush of sarcastic frenzy.

It's just horrible.
I don't want to be like that.
And I swore that I will not lose my temper in school.
It's too risky anyhow.

But everything keeps adding up: just today - the JC1s managed to irritate, annoy and drive me up the wall so badly I wanted to cry. Then art is NOT going well. Nope. Not at all. It's not that I don't have the skills or the smarts - I just lack the patience to churn out oodles of prepwork which everyone seems to be making. At the same time, I'm conflicted over a person (to be or not to be friends? that is of the ironic question) and it's just...

It's just so traumatizing lately.

I don't want much.
My existence relies on 1. bed 2. computer 3. PS2
So why so hard?

I guess my frustration level is so high that I took it out a little on Alex (urgh. so sorry. >_>) It's just that when I'm stressed, tired, dirty and in severe need of a bath I really don't want to go for pistachio icecream - however much I like it. I just need somewhere to hide, a nice wet corner of my bathroom to sit under the tap and cry.

I should've have snapped at her .____.
Not her fault.
*sighs*
shikata nai....tomorrow I'll just apologize.

The only thing good happening is that Suikoden V has owned, pwnzed and seduced my soul with the darkness that is called PS2. Actually if not for the fact I have school, I'll be playing it day/night/day/night until I save the kingdom, avenge my parents, rescue my (irritating) sister and make hawt dirty sex with Kyle. Or maybe screw saving the world and just skip to making hawt dirty sex with Kyle. Btw, I named the "oujisama" Fylen so it rhymes with Kyle. Ahahahah...more importantly, Fylen wears a (gay) hankie and has a (gay) long sliver hair and wields (gay) sun wu kong style nuachakus. To show:

His Gayness: Prince Fylen aka. hankie Oujisama

Sis and I have taken to calling him "chio bu" (hokkien for "babe") lol.

I couldn't get a better pic though
Sorry 'bout that.

*sighs*
I seem to do that a lot now.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11.50pm+

Let it take you

Damn lol
What do you do when you feel pointlessly unemotional?
Go read SxS fics until you have a stupid smile on your face
Like ^____________________________^ <---this

ahahahah
life is so sappy and wonderful
but not too - live vicariously.
I wish I was 2D too

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:41 a.m.+

It ain't cos I say it ain't - don't you know?

Listening to: Gravitation

Watching sis play SuikoV makes me want to play it
Crapstixxors. *sighs* Why A levels? Why?
Just to note
That was a rhetorical question. :D

Samuel Beckett is offically my boyfriend.
Okay so he's dead, and old and crankerterous
But reading his books makes me happy
Strange man - this Beckett
There's nothing funnier than unhappiness.

I guess it just proves how unemotional I really am
Distance, detached, dulled into daydreams
oyasumi
Feeling guilty over being unfeeling isn't quite the same as feeling guilty over the actual issue itself.
Bah, tsu.
Grow up.

Sometimes I even wished I really liked Gabriel
Then at least I can say: "You know, I had a crush once."
Except of course, it just ain't true.
So sad.
It wasn't even an infatuation.
*draws circles in sand*
More interested in acquiring $384 meta sailor series :D
Like so pretty! *squee*

Tuition was okay~ kept on doodling on to Xiao An's book and finally shoved him chocolate cos he was emo-ing/brooding next to me and after 30mins of tolerating it I just couldn't concentrate and shoved him with chocolate. ARGH DON'T EMO NEXT TO ME WHEN I'M STUDYING! It just screws my concentration. Not only that, it's distracting and annoying because I want to pay attention to class and not soak up your "broodingness". If I'm not studying, I'll be happy to listen but not when I'm concentrating! It's irritating!

Oh anyway - I think my Short Run Production is finally cleared up
Yay. *deadpans*
I'm sure one day I'll learn to like it.

-------------

*restless*
Suiko is calling me
Like "tsu! play me play me I know you want to..."
In an uber-Seishirou seductive voice

When I have NYAA report to write, 2 essays and MCQs to finish. *curses* Argh. Or maybe I'm cranky cos I haven't had dinner.

Yeah - that could be it.

But eating after 9pm is bad cos it makes you fat etc etc

*thinks*
*sighs deeply*

fuck it.
I'm going to eat.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:02 a.m.+

Friday's not that far away

Yesterday was great.
As in seriously ranking as one of the best days of the year so far.

Number of Good Things happening

1. NYAA IS OVEROVEROVEROVER!!!!!
*cheers*

D'you know how great that is? It means that I can go home at 5pm instead of 7pm everyday! By the time we finished filming and taking the pictures; Alex, Graham and I were all giving each other sniggering/happy looks cos FINALLY! it's over. After 100+ hours of CIP (gawd. National Day.), Mawai Expedition (gawd. LEECHES!), writing 28,000 page reports......It's OVER! I'm so thankful I don't really know what to say. Fitness was the final component you see~ And since I'm not in a sports-cca, I had to clock up 16hours of exercise skill ie. learn where your biceps, triceps, quardaceps are and know which excercise caters to it.

2.S Lit ROCKED.

Presented all our texts which we were planning to use. Ahahaha...It was so funny cos Kaiwen and I kept looking at Alex funny cos she was going on ie. "D.H Lawerance's Rainbow is like Macy marries John but John doesn't love her so she feels unfufilled so she has an affair with the gardener which she has a kid with, but then she also has a kid with John and the kids even if they don't know it grow up and like each other but John doesn't like it that his daughter ....etc"

tsu's and Kaiwen's comment: CHINESE SOAP OPERA

Or maybe cos Kaiwen and I share similiar tastes in bookthemes - he likes decaying civilizations (degeneration of the human soulz!) while I like human condition (I can read j00r mind kthnxbai!). For Alex however, she likes the moralistic 18th/19th centurary Victorian prose which is lush, earthly and talks about intergenerational/social conflicts <---horny alex!!! (you should've seen her face when I said that though)

The difference between Kaiwen's and my books is that I like sparse, minimalist prose in 2nd person and he likes those philosophical, discursive prose in richer language.

Anyway, the good thing being:
Mrs Sng let us off early!! (4pm instead of 6pm)
and
She said the nicest thing ever: that we'll pass well without worries for S Lit!<3

I won the literary competition for poetry~

And Fahy finally explained why the prose didn't get in. It's not because it wasn't good - it's because it wasn't a short story aka. pointlessness which tsu is fond of. I'm still fairly in shock though - I can't believe a simple journal entry written so long ago would make it. *blink* rather insane don't you think?

dinner with alex

Since we finished early (after NYAA it was about 5+), decided to go town then I realized that my cheque was finally cleared so I bought dinner for her. There's a couple of reasons why: 1. Alex's birthday is on May 30th and I didn't get her anything 2. She's a really good friend in school because she ignores all the gossip and treats me like a human person 3. Since we share so many classes ie. NYAA, S Lit and Editorial, we've become pretty close plus we have similar backgrounds.

But audy will always come first :D
'cos audy r0xx0rs my s0xx0rs!:D

[random note]
talking about audy, Clare asked me if I was straight since during art I kept on saying how wonderful she was ahahahaha ..."proclaiming your adoration" <---quote. So funny.

Anyway since she's such a deprived child (wotthefork about her parents) bought her dinner at chikyoutousei (the one at Taka 4th floor) and proceeded to get high on sake. And then kaiseki sushi. Then seafood fried rice. And teppanyaki. Then walked around (still high and very very red) until we ended at bakerzin which I got her a cake (with candle! for wishing~!) and dessert tapas

dessert was soooo good *dies happy*
They had this pistachio creme brulee which was like "whoa! dieded" feeling.
Like my mind just blew itself to stratosphere~

:D :D :D

--------------------

You know, it was a really great day.
I didn't get scolded, school was tolerable and I had nice food and good company with various people throughout
So when I went back I was still high so why why why did everything end so badly?

Mom

Honestly I don't want to tell her anything anymore if all I get is negative comments. If I win the literary prize and spend it - why should she berate me for spending? I won it, not her. If I get into the scholarship program why does she think I'm useless? Don't tell me it's -that- easy to get in....there are many people out there who have problems even passing. If I'm doing my work with no complaints from any teachers - why does she call me lazy? My homework is done, I'm in NYAA, I do S paper, my grades are getting better, and I even asked for tuition. If I didn't care about my academic performance - would I go for tuition? And ask for it too?

It doesn't make sense does it?
All this.
It's just so unfair.
That's what I can't stand.

*sighs*
shikata nai
*huggles audy*
At least I know some people still trust in me.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:27 p.m.+

White Light - so if you love me

Listening to: White Light and Danicalifornia

Today was strange.
Hot weather makes me cranky and sleepy

Sometimes it feels so light - so light to be free - shouldn't you be heavier as a person? So unreal to being. And when you sit in the bench with your ankles crossed and elbows on your knees as your fringe falls past your eyes for the hundredth time again when you're staring at the sky - the spankingly blue sky with the faintest taste of wind: what can you think?

Did Econs today - I don't care if people hate Foreign Exchange - I love it. BoT, BoP, Offical Financing, Balancing Item, Transfer Payments......To me, they're like puzzles meant to be solved with equations scribbled in the margin. Like those mutiple-puzzle riddles just waiting to be cracked like a spoon on a half-boiled egg.

Anyway it's lovely to do MCQs while watching people get sweaty and mucky during PE while you sit quietly in a shady area, listening to semi-chirpy songs like Blur or New Order doing your work. It's nice~ like a quiet calmness and systematic-ness you wish you had more of. Then explained to Sheryl the DRQ for Econs test - she benefited, I benefited too cos I learnt by explaining too. Plus! The exact same question came out for the test later as well - fantastical :D

Art was pretty fun. Our teacher brought her neice in, who was rather nice. Talked to her, and apparently she thinks I think strangely too. Is my thinking that strange? o.O;; I think like this everyday so how can it be special? *wonders* And the funny thing is that everyone seems torn between shock and laughter after hearing me. *shrugs* weird.

Part of the fun was that everyone was trading birthdays - I'm the only piscean in the class (so sad.) Pinkie is kinda halfaries,halfpiscean so she doesn't count. Clare is aquarian, Kenneth and Gerard are capricorns while Mindy and Zara are virgos, Yan Hui is saggitarius while Alvin is gemini and Izyanti is aries. Notice a pattern? So many earth/fire signs! Like whoa o.O

Some people are beginning to scare me slightly. Not enough to do anything - but I dislike insinuations. Or so many questions. Self-awareness anyone? Why is it that people like to ask other people about themselves? It's irritating if you do it too often - I'm not your mirror OR psycharist OR internet personality test. Narcissists. *sighs* At least when I ask I do it with reason and not just for entertainment.

shikata nai though
I promised that even if I don't commit myself to anything
I can't just let another person fall meaninglessly

-----------

Oh yeah, I won the literary prize for poetry
As in the sucky-blog-poem which I typed anyhow
I just keep on feeling mildly frustrated about the whole competition.

1. I wrote the prose for winning -->imply: my prose sucks.
2. I purposely put: "NON-PARTICIPATING ENTRY" in caps on the header ----> imply: Mr Fahy is a stubborn shithole.
3. As an organizer, the competition loses credibility if I win ----->imply: Mr Fahy is a SUPERstubborn shithole.

*whineswhineswhines*
And he even told alex: "tell her I'm putting her in whether she likes it or not."

ARRGH HE JUST SPOILT MY COMPETITION!

*rants*
The worst thing is that I didn't even think
I figured my prose was better since I put effort in it.
The poem was simply an editing of blog post:
THIS

It just feels like I'm faking again.
mou~
*sulks*
.______.

Anyway, seems like shoutmix magically repaired itself
Which means I'll switch back when I'm feeling less lazy

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:38 p.m.+

dearly beloved

I woke up and realized alike people were. What a horrifying thought.

That more or less sums up my train journey to nowhere
Does anyone else get as lost as I do?
I think I get lost because I like it
I like the feeling of nowhere-ness
The sensation of being free inside a place
The locus - the outside of the locus
lost
It's strangely unsettling and comforting at once

Going there was like a dream
Do you know how it feels like?
It feels like sunshine and sardines
The metal container - airconditioned
The sunlight streaming through windows
Statues of people standing quietly; frozen?
unreal
And the quiet whirr of air ventaliation.

I thought of it:
Inside a metal sausage roll
Packed with flavourings of yummy humans
A big fat sunshinecooked sausage roll.
Lolling about traintracks and sky.

------

It's really strange - going there. In a sense, the journey of it is rather like a rememberance of roots. As if it served as a reminder that I would be always connected with them - the lurking danger of insatiability and darkness.

Think of the whispers.
fame. fortune. family.
Ahh... the crux of belonging.

along the way
just carrying the wake of delights
there's nothing like this today
you've never seen a finer carnival of lights
with flying banners and hungry eyes
the lurking darkness inside bright colours
echo:
Scavanger!

[don't try to find me]

Imagine:
The vivid colours like silkscreened gold with waving banners of scarlet and vermilion pridefully sailing across silhuoetted sunsets - the wake of carnival lights carrying riches upon shoulders with empty eyes and sunken cheeks. Black figures. The crows scream angrily at the dying sun, soaring with black wings blotting out the bloodied sky in a definant scavenger's cry.

Like flint. Like steel.

I just keep telling myself I won't fall for it.
The lure - the lucre
Maybe it's just too easy to manupialate
Maybe it's just too easy to lie
Maybe it's just too easy to fake
To the point that right now I just wonder:
how much different am I from them? They're people too
As I gaze at my grandmother selfsatisfiedly walking to her car
I wonder maybe if I'm turning like that too.
hearts of darkness. heartless.
I'm not so strong after all.
Just not strong at all.

maybe it'll be alright.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:48 p.m.+

So. Anyway.

It's an apology and then some
Although I feel slightly guilty manupialating nice people
In particular, Jiaxiang and Graham
Irony being that listening to Graham actually gave me the idea in the first place.

But then again, self-preservation kicks in
And these past few days listening to her talk
Makes me realize *exactly* why I did what I did
Sometimes - you just have to sacrifice to protect yourself.

And in this case, I think it was worth it.
After all, what price is higher than stability?

-------------------------------------------

Finished art yesterday slightly happier. The pictures turned out fine - most people liked my (amatuer) photography skills. I think it's because I love light - the effects, the colours, the transculent quality of it and it shows up in my photographs. Makes all those days standing in the middle of the road, waiting for the right weather, skipping school - all worth it.Razzly-dazzly

Bumped into Graham after school - he looks so down it's rather depressing. Then again, he's been looking rather out of it lately - but I don't believe in interference unless nessescary. In this case, I think it's a little my fault - I shouldn't have mentioned what Joceyln said. However, I think he also deserves to know that people are talking behind him, and the simplest way is to just givein, get them to shut up and wait for the umm....oppotune moment to retailate.

I dislike such politics though
Seems ridiculously pointless to me
Or maybe 'cause I couldn't care less of the school

Met up with Sak at Orchard MRT and proceeded to head to Tanglin to check out the craft shops. ZOMGWTFBBQ! Along the way we met "EGLs" dressed in horrifying K-Star clothes. In particular I remember this blackxwhite outfit with 3! layers of cheap raschel and dropping ribbons (never iron) with thread sticking out at the side on a too-short skirt. (no, I do NOT want to see your ass)

*shudders*
The horror! The horror!

Went to the shop and drooled over the prints. *salivates* It's like ZOMGX10!!!! wonderful with these gorgeous wa-loli prints and beautiful beautiful VM/MM-esque fabrics. And they sell the milk-pink shade of pink too ($15/m). I'm pretty sure that the wa-loli prints are not cotton but chirimen though. The weave is different - feels different. Undecided over which patterns - the English dress print? The fuschia pink dots? The blue-willow print? The rabbits? Owls? Pink on pink sakura? Pink on black sakura? Decisions decisions....

After 2 hours+ of dawdling
Finally settled on a beautiful neko print on burgendy (bordeaux)

It's spring enough to wear, but the red is rich enough for Christmas and it matches well with other colours too. PLUS! Sak and I want matching JSKs <3<3<3!

Am such an idiot though, I left my foolscape paper there >_>
Which means all my homework is inside too.
Crapstixxors.

-----------

Went home with sak, had dinner and then K.O'ed on the sofa. Tired deshou na~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >_> I really wanted to walk you out but I was like zonked already. Woke up around 10pm(?), bathed then K.O'ed again. Gomen~~~ I wanted to show you my strawberry tie too :(

PS. Your skirt = <3. But why fugly tartan?
PPS. Due to the death of shoutmix, it's tagboard now.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:13 a.m.+

It's crazy!......................so?

*does happydance*
ZOMG SEPHIROTH YOU SEXYSEXY DEVIL!

*fangirls insanely* It was like ping! and he fought Cloud and they poofed into the air after saying going all mushy and squeesomely angsty and then Riku like bounced around to save Sora and they did the hold-hand thingy and helped him to the beach before they had hawt underage sex heeheheehee and squished on a tree!!!!....! heee!!!!

It's okay
You don't have to understand
Just know this: SQUEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!<3<3<3

And everyone who had a strange random msg yesterday
That was me ahahahahah
:D Share the Sephy love!<3

---------

Yet another unproductive weekend - I swear I hate work; and work hates me back. I honestly don't give a shit sometimes - I hate the way my time is so regulated, I dislike people telling me (with good intentions) what to do and what to say and what to be. I don't give a fuck okay? I know what I have to do; I just choose not to do it.

Stuff being:
Econs homework, Sng's homework, Art prepwork, tuition homework, S Lit homework, making appointments and......all that jazz

I'm just a lazy procastinator more in love with 2-D bishies than Pursuit of Knowledge

-----

Lunched at Plaza Sing with mom and sis - I forgot to get a new ribbon for school though (damn). Pretty good, and I saw the twill-material. Which means next up is buying it (or looking for the material my mom stashed whist working on a textile firm)

Not really doing much - slacking, staying behind, keeping cool (or as cool as you can around His Hotness; Sephiroth) I don't really know why I'm so reluctant to study. It's like blah right now. Running out of steam as most would say.

*sighs*

shikata nai

What can I say?
Just that people will never believe you cos they worry too much.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:05 p.m.+

Deep Dive

By reading this,
You have just been KH'ed
*thunks with SuperMofo Keyblade*

Today was uber-unproductive but fun! Because like everything else, the moment someone tells you to do it - it becomes un-fun (like CNY shopping. bleh.) Went shopping with audy and I got this superduperly cute strawberry tie which I *will* wear tomorrow because it's so cute that I have to wear it or I'll just cry :D And it was on discount too!

Followed audy around - mostly took note of the prints and current fashions. Thought mostly about the seriography prints, my summer dress and Organization XIII jackets.

Bumped into Graham - I think my MagicalPink ribbon gave me away, lol. He doesn't look like a Graham does he? But then again - do we ever look like our names? I use my nickname so often it feels strange when people use the offical one. Almost like a sense of detachment.


Spent $35 buying tulips for Mother's Day - for the record, I don't really like red tulips. Searched and finally found in Favourite Florist no.2 the purple ones that I wanted. It's the ones on my layout, but less blue tending towards lavender. They're worth it though - they're so beautiful I couldn't stop smiling and looking at them. They're so beautiful! A mild, dreamily sweet violet shade like the colour of memory's eyes or daydreams rise like twilight~ Sometimes I just think that if could just watch them long enough, I'll understand what these beautiful flowers are saying - the softest sighs and the gayest whispers whist swaying in the wind. Something pure, transient and achingly lovely yet sorrowful about tulips. Like hurt and gratitude and all those mixed up emotions that you could never seem to name with something as lying and meaningless as words.

So presuasive they are; tulips
With the boldness of spring and the elegance that only melanchonly can bring.

*giggles*
Or maybe I'm just batshit insane :D

It's times like this I dearly *wish* that CJC be invaded by a group of yaoificwriters, madAmerican jrock fans, EGL groups for the sheer entertainment of watching Life Go Berserk. To some extent I'm ready to cause chaos just for the hell of it, just to laugh so hard that I clutch myself in pain. I can just imagine it - stodgy Act-Cool Emo-ters of CJC shellshocked into oblivion.

Dinner with dad at Pattaya's. The curry was great~ <3<3<3 Anyway it seems like business is booming (good), except that America is problematic (bad) and looks like the Indonesia thing is going well too (li3k zomg! im g0nna have m1ll10nz!!oneone111) I feel like doublechecking the information on what he said - it couldn't possibly be that bad could it? That the world economy will come to a halt and resort to bartering if America's trade deficit rises and trust is lost. It'll terrible (but we'll profit. hah.) What's interesting is that Temasek Holdings owns farmland - amazing huh? I guess our reserves/investment portfolio is more diverse and impressive than I thought.

To some extent I can't wait to try though :x
Playing around with investments and all
I think it'll be something I can be good at

Oh yeah, Europe trip update: we're only going Italy. I think we're leaving right after 29th Nov (my last paper). Honestly I really can't wait. Not giving a fuck about prom helps too (while you're there eating 8 course chinese dinners, listening to people you're unlikely to remember wag, and watching girls outdo each other into becoming peacocks - I'll be eating gelato in Italy!). I know people say it'a about atmosphere, the final goodbye etc etc and watching everyone dress up and pretty but really - do I care? do I want to go?

If I say my goodbyes, I'll rather do it fast.
Quick, unnoticable and barely remembered.
And of course, flowers.

If dad says we leave on 29th night, I'll be glad too
I have very few things/people I'll miss
I'll miss my family of course, and audy&sak
But I could live without the rest

Watching sis play KH2 is entertaining :D Like ZOMGWTFBBQ! Sephiroth! *drools, salivates and turns fangirly* It's so hawt I feel like a squeeingfangirl (which I am but do not show hah! Get Cool y'know?) Not to mention His Second Sexiness; Riku. I should just call them the Big Sexy and Mini Sexy.

Random thought:
(Sephy meets Riku)
Sephy: .....Oh damn. Another Mini-Me.
Kadaj: He's kinda tiny to be in the Reunion.
Riku:......Excuse me? *makoglare* I stole Sora's milk to grow y'know.
Sephy: Who cares? You're all clones of My Sexyness anyway. *smirk* MINI-ME(s).

That was random, pointless and the product of a sleepy person.

love, (nights y'all)
tsu

---------

What Are Organization XIII jackets? <--you ask.

They are the Super Coolest jackets worn by the Bad and Sexy guys of KH2 :D But I like them cos they look like H. Naoto, but less deconstructed and thus, cheaper. They also have the added advantage of being worn by the SuperemelySexy! Riku who is not only sexy, but kinky too. (liek zomg!blindfold!oneoneone) Plus they're symbolic - they're worn by the Nobodies.

Okay anyway, summary: Because they are K00L with a captial K.

Link: The coat
kinky!coat Riku

*drools*

However if I make it I'll not only get it lined, I'll make it out of something less shiny ie. twill, drill, wool mix. And I can't really decide .____. cos while I would like my sis and I to have matching Nobody/OrgXIII arse-length coats to wear to lectures, rainy days, Europe etc - I do want a summer dress. A nice one, with pinkyflowers on a cream background. And the estimated material cost is like....woah. Twill at $17.5/m, Lining is $3.50ish/m, zips at $18 each, plus chain-link $10/each......And mind you, since it's arse-long and has a hood, I'll say I need about 3.5m/person which is 7m in total.

Summer dress on the other hand, doesn't require lining, but the material cost is higher due to print - running about $20/m but since my sis doesn't wear it, I only need 3m at MOST. And no lining needed either. Short zips are only $5 in comparision.

*sighs* Decisions decisions decisions...
It'll be cute if sis and I had matching coats, no?
Almost too cute lol.

Anyway, going Spotlight tomorrow so I can check for myself.

+tsu waited for you at 11:55 p.m.+

Welcome to Our Glorious Future

A couple of days ago, senior ambassador K. Kurvanyseum came to CJC and while he was an excellant speaker - some of his points troubled me. Due to migating circumstances (aka. overzealeous SC) I couldn't even ask the question I wanted, so I decided that if I couldn't ask - at least I could research.

The main parts of his speech was that Singapore was:
1. A Global City with a Glorious Future <--direct quote
2. Accepting Of Foreign Talent

Maybe I'm blind
But I just can't see it.

1. Singapore maybe a global city (as in part of the globe), but we're not exactly the de facto powerhouse. We're not even a big player at all. Our reliance on foreign investment, foreign talent, foreign expertise has led to a rather percarious position of dependance; all History students take note: remember Weimar and Germany? If the world decided to poof! do a Great Depression - y'think anything good will happen?

We survive by being overpriced, overegotized, and overcomplacent - and cuckoodling other people to buying it. Kinda like Moi meme Moite clothes - it's not JUST! a pinafore, it's a $700!one. And who's to say that's a Glorious Future that we want?

A a student I feel stifled by the increasing amounts of rules and regulations I face with the school and more distantly, MOE and the goverment. As an individual, I feel marginalized and ignored - and I can't wait to leave this place. Everywhere the sterility reminds me more than ever of the bleak future that awaits if I stay here any longer - a 9-5 deskjob doing mindless paperwork in a paperpusher job with more administrative barriers that calculable.

So what's with the Glorious Future thing?

Our government is paralytic - singleparty dominated with a nonsensically-false democracy (Minister Mentor WHAT?!) and ties itself up into doublethink messages while twiddling it's toes over BungeeJumping, BarTop Dancing and Casino. The economy is harped so often I wonder if the destruction of societial values is not because of Westernization (all j00 angmoh demons!!111oneone), but because of a deeplyheld belief in materialism. Consumerism culture is always preferable to a dissenting, if moralistic, crowd.

It doesn't help that we're held back by our obsessesive, almost fethistic behaviour towards "race". No other country does that y'know? Only Singapore. In Singapore, you're Chinese, Indian, Malay or even Alien (quoth Judith's IC) but everywhere else you're American (even if you're black, white or purple) or whatever country you happen to belong to. Unless we're secretly participating in a sociological study on bone structure, I fail to see the obsession with Asian Races and Asian Values.

You claim that you feel like a second-class citizen in an adopted country
Well, how about feeling like a second-class citizen in your HOME country?

Isn't that like 20? 30? times worse?

I just feel that the message being sent out is not of future or dynamism or even change, just the fact that we're walking towards our mundane, boring and inexplicably sad future.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:37 a.m.+

Special K

Listening to: Placebo

Skipped Sports Day. Just really tired lately, which tends to make me grounchy, irritable and badtempered. Like an inverse relationship~ Increase in Tired = Decrease in Niceness

Anyway I slept like I was dead - woke up in the late afternoon and watched sis play KH2, then proceeded to Whack Pointless Jugs which was surprisingly fun. Was supposed to finish Dan Leno and the Limehouse Golem + Econs essay but ended up not doing anything and being counterproductive but that's okay - I like not doing anything. (Read: LOAFER+++)

Got hilariously lost (again!) going for tuition - Took 156, then 105 and ended up in Serangoon Interchange only to bump into someone whom I've wanted to meet and been avoiding (how the f*ck was I supposed to know that he lived there!?) and jumped on to the first bus (I think...50-something) and ended up at GodKnowsWhere so I ended up being like....1 hour late for tuition. *sighs* It's times like these when I wish I was less daydreamy and window-stareish

Anyway tuition was okay. Externalities. Thank god it's not taxes and subsidies - I would've died of boredom.

Went out with Brendan, Jared, Jeremy and Jocelyn (o.O so many Js) to the hawkercentre for supper and .....I guess I shouldn't insult/defame SJI anymore. LOL. At least, not infront of Jared. He just looked so hurt and had that kicked expression which made me feel rather guilty.

I think part of it is that I really really miss being in IJ surrounded by people who treated me as a normal person and that because CJ is filled with so many SJI people - it's too easy to hate. Not to mention that I seem to meet the worst of them. (Graham surprisingly agrees that I have horrible luck in SJIians, lol) And that the few decent ones I know is Jared (because he reminds me of wholemeal bread) and Jeremy (whom I will always associate with a calculator) The rest - as they say - could be damned for all I care.

One of the few things that was interesting was how Jared talked about fighting. It's funny but men seem to always see fighting as some sort of physical aggression - a one-off thing and that they never consider passiveagrression to be a "real" fight. That as though without beatings, kicks and brusises you can't really call it a fight.

Which lead me to think about my own family.

In general I dislike fighting - but when I do, it's never physical. But that doesn't make it a detente. I fight on my own terms - cold silences, sharpness and indifference. Is it any less effective than physical aggression?

Consider this:

Just because I never physically hit them, doesn't mean I can't hurt them.

There are many, more subtler ways of hurting which lasts longer than a mere punch in the face. If you punch someone, you will only hurt the skin (epidermis anyone?) but an emotional scar is always more difficult to heal - the most important feature in passive aggression is that unlike a physical wound, an emotional one will always have the painful tang of memory - a keloid.

Can you really call that a detente?
A detente is a compromise.
But we're not really compromising anything are we?
We're just stabbing in a different way.

Not only are the effects subtler - the anger is longer too. "hate" is a passion, something that burns quickly and disappears altogether. "Indifference" however, is something that stings and is remembered. And if you're like me with a photographic memory - you will never forget what is done to you.

It's like sometimes when I'm in the middle of an arguement I just "switch off" and stare into space while the person rants on and on about whatever and I just kinda go along with it. And the other person is of course, happy to believe that they've won me over with their (usually ridiculous) ideas when the truth is I can't really be bothered to refute anymore because my interest has long waned. Like politicians y'know?

But I remember.
And while I just go along and agree with it
It doesn't mean detente because it will come back

But yeah, I rarely get that angry
Only 2 people I would never forgive
Only 2.
----------------

Found out who was sniping about Graham to Ms Giam. Wah. Class politics. And I thought we've grown up and left it all behind *insert sarcasm when apporiate* Looks like no one's really that mature yet. Not really surprised though. Proximity tends to develop closer ties and while I don't feel this way or that - Graham does, and he tends to speak openly about it too. (and he! was worried I would spill my guts lol)

I should really warn him though
Or should I?

I think the problem with T8 is that the class is divided into 2 types of people (generalized): The Caring and The Self-Aware. The former believes in the whole More-Than-Teacher, More-Like-Friend while the latter prefers to maintain personal space and status quo of Teacher-Student. The former gets pissed off at the latter because it makes Ms Giam unhappy, and hurts other people's feelings thus leading to weak characters etc etc. The latter believes in honesty in expression - and if it hurts others, then well they deserve it. No one's really right or wrong, except that they don't get along.

And of course, the favourite word being thrown around is none other than:
j00 Big Bad HYPOCRITE!

Me?
I just hang around, look oblivious and shut up.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:08 a.m.+

Deflate or Why Internet is BAD

Actually I was happy.

I had a great time with Alex today, which involved swearing, Turkish food and trying out different kinds of clothes which made both of us laugh and making weird implications about things that shouldn't implicate. Then we went back, took a cab to Arts House which not only provided a nice dinner (OMG! chocolate cakes are love!) but watched the hilarious performances put up by the different classes.

T6's was really funny lol - Brendan was amazing as Blake (ghey!obnoxious!shitfunny!) and Jared (who usually wholesome) tried to look emo (and did a good job hmmn...) and made a (notsoscary) Marlow. I think I was slightly let down by Xiao An's emo-performance. C'mon! I know you're emo-er than that! *pout*

Other good stuff: GM cutscene, JC1s Othello performances (Iaga is GREAT), literary quiz answers, dinner.... Not to mention everyone seemed to be slightly on high (especially after dinner) and smiling and happy - I had half a mind to stay and go for supper with them at Clarke Quay (now I wonder if I should've) but went home to do up David Yung's design.

*sighs*

I should've just gone out with them.

There are times that the internet is the fucking loneliest place on earth. You don't feel human, or appreciated or whatever for it. I should've just gone off and slept instead - then at least I'll sleep happy. First was reading through neko's journal (depressing), then checking through emails only to realize that I have to chase after 3 people for articles (depressing again) then finally the whole art-thing. Yes okay! I know already! I suck at detailed drawings! You don't have to rub it in by sending me a pic of your work which teachers use as an example! And then not understanding why I refused it....why would I want to make myself feel even worse?! I'm happy for you okay? I think you're good at drawing and stuff like that. But I'm not. And I hope you can understand.

*despairs*

There are days I just want someone to care and just appreciate. *sighs in frustration* Or maybe I'm just snappy because I just feel so neglected the past few days with people chasing me for things ranging from David Yung's colouring thing to my mom not being around to falling sick and I guess there's just a limit to how much bullshit I can take a week. It's like I'm being shoved to rely on myself all the time now - it feels friendless, lonely and uncared for. On a level I'm sick of making decisions. I really really am. I'm not interested in more responsibility (say NO!) and I hate making them and feeling regret later so stop making me decide!

I don't care what time you want to do it, I don't care what time we're supposed to be there, I don't care who's going to do it, I don't even particularly care if you suffer me any less for it because I don't want to make any more right now. So if you want something, decide first, then ask me later. 99.5% I'll say yes.

Anyway tomorrow being Sports Day and tuition, I'll be busy again. w00t. *prays for Friday* Holiday holiday holiday!~!~~~

Think I'll just disconnect myself for a few days
Going online just ruined everything
And just 5mins ago I was at the top of the world...
Why!?!
Why did it have to ruin everything?!
Why why why!!!!
I try so hard to be happy.....
Can't it just last a little longer?

tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:07 a.m.+

*sneeze* bless you~

*sneeze*
Got caught in yesterday's thunderstorm, who knew that my soggyloli drawing would be so accurate? Anyway since I was carrying The Photographs(tm) which were to be used in prepwork I laid them between 2 plasticfiles and proceeded to shield the bag more than myself. Conclusion? Damp bag and sodden tsu *sneeze*

I'm not really hungry, even though I barely ate anything at all. The last thing proper meal I had was dinner 2 days ago, and yesterday I just had takeaway soup (cheap! warm! yummy! :D) Technically I should be hungry, but I'm not. Anyway, going out for lunch with Alex at 2pm, so I'll problably eat.

Really cold day though~ Could be because I'm flu-ing, or because I haven't eaten yet. Not very interesting classes today, the most interesting being GP in the morning, afterwhich I subsequently sat through and stoned, then slept during break. Surprisingly quiet day, and I'm going to take advantage of it by pretending that I have no work tomorrow and one gazillion piles of things to do.

*daydreams happily*

------

I was just reading through Natz's post on mothers and while I'm grateful to her, I can't relate to the list because she never did anything like. *shrugs* Not to mention thatmy relationship with my mother is complicated and slightly twisted - but nonetheless we commuicate very well.

I think partily because I dislike fighting and saying "no" even when I need to, and partily because my mom's temprement is such that she will never understand - never completely - and I've stopped resenting her for it. Take it as it is you know? My mom just isn't as high-strung or neurotic as I am - and that's okay. She won't get it, but at least I know she cares. Maybe sometimes too much, but which parent doesn't?

It's natural to want to protect. I guess the resentment and guilt is purely on my side sometimes - resentful because she still distrusts me and wants to keep me as a child even though I'm more than responsible enough; guilty because sometimes I deliberately fail and disappoint her, so that I can hurt her in the only way I know how without dragging other people into it.

But I do love her.

It doesn't make sense to some - how can you love and resent someone at the same time? It's possible. I love her for all the hugs and kisses and books and drawing paper, I love her for all the days we sneaked out and went shopping instead of working/homework. I love her for all the tuition classes and tolerating my (mis)behaviour and general wackiness.

As I've said, it's complicated.
And sometimes I don't even trust myself on what I think and feel.

I think gratitude is something that you show everyday. Like, I'm grateful for having Alex as a friend, thus I turn up in school with a cold because we planned to lunch together today and only god knows when we'll have another free time. It's like cherishing. Cherishing the fact that they're there, even when they take you for granted sometimes. It's okay I think - to be taken for granted at times. Because it shows that you're so important that they can't imagine it without you, and don't treat you any different from treating themselves.

On the other hand, too much builds resentment.

Funny isn't it?
How much everything seems to fall into spirals
Not circles
Spirals~

PS. extra love to audy! *beamattack* don't feel too bad okay? I know it's really horrible (my teacher says I need to be more detailed and less expressive .____.) and it really demoralizes you - but ganbatte! And we go shopping on Sat yay~ :D smileysmiley please?~ *wibbles*

If not I shall *pout* at you xD

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:34 p.m.+

epitaph

Being dead
Is like painkillers on acid
With trips that make skittles look high
All vivid colours and desaturii
These images rather comforting
If not quite so cold.

Being dead
Is like sleepwalking with clods
The heavy stillness and nonbreathing
With skittles and scufflings as the bugs eat up your chest
Distended bellies, spilling guts - breaking up the rest

Being dead
Is pretty fun when writing your own epitaph
With dates and statistics and profiles of you, You, YOU.
The cover picture splashed modelled in black
Being dead is rather comforting isn't it?

-------------

Don't mind my humour.
I just took 2 Tylenol and 1 Claryinase.
I have the Right to be Stoned and Zonked Out.

Mr James is worried about me
It's the first time I've ever slept during art class
Halfway through Billy Holiday's Strange Fruits [of poplar trees and dead bodies and blood dripping from leaves]

Isn't it funny how he's more like a parent than my real parents ever are?

I'm just very very very tired.
It's not people or anything - the sheer workload is killing me.
And here is my NEW and IMPROVED! (upgraded in SG-speak) timetable:

Mon: 8am-5pm school, 5pm - 7pm NYAA
Tues: 8am-5pm school, 5pm-6pm NYAA, 7pm -10pm art
Wed: 8am - 5pm school, 5pm -7pm NYAA
Thurs: 8am - 5pm school, 5pm -6pm NYAA, 6.30-9.30 Econs
Fri: 8am - 5pm school, 5pm - 7pm NYAA

I want someone to kill me quick.
A quick, painless shot in the brain is much preferable to a long, drawn out hell.

Some random news: Class politics has increased to "informats" and "dissenters" - and duh, I'm somehow on the "dissenter" side again. Boofuckinghoohoo. SOMEONE! finally understands that I'm not in love with Gabriel Tan, so I wish people could stop fantasizing.

'Cos today she went up to me and said: "I know why you like Gabriel now. It's not because not any romantic feelings, its because you want to put him under a microscope and watch him right?"

Together: YES! FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS.

Like really. Sometimes I wonder if people realize that what I say and what I do are different, what I think and what I actually feel is different too. What I say doesn't mean much, what I do for you means more. If I'm willing to wake up and go to school just to make you happy - congrats! You're a special and real person in my life. So on the same counts - I can say you're interesting and intriguing, but unless I define what I'm saying [look, for me, almost anything is interesting] please don't over-read it.

But YES! Finally! Someone understands!

And she continued on to say that she thought he was a vile creep, but because of his utter vileness - he was fascinating. Quote: "I never expected that such people actually existed." *fervently* Me Too. Audy would have a field day psychoanalyzing him.

It feels so darn good to be understood for once y'know?

------

Back to more pressing matters.

CJC is disgusting in the way that it insults our intelligence by actually inventing questions during a Q/A session. *doinks* My God. But! Sadly true.

The ambassador guy was quite cool though
He actually knew what he was talking about
It would've been nice to ask a question
He would've given a good answer.

*sighs*

life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it.

Shikata nai.
It's too late to back out now
Just finish it damnit
I just have to finish it.

love
zomboidified tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:00 p.m.+

epitaph

Being dead
Is like painkillers on acid
With trips that make skittles look high
All vivid colours and desaturii
These images rather comforting
If not quite so cold.

Being dead
Is like sleepwalking with clods
The heavy stillness and nonbreathing
With skittles and scufflings as the bugs eat up your chest
Distended bellies, spilling guts - breaking up the rest

Being dead
Is pretty fun when writing your own epitaph
With dates and statistics and profiles of you, You, YOU.
The cover picture splashed modelled in black
Being dead is rather comforting isn't it?

-------------

Don't mind my humour.
I just took 2 Tylenol and 1 Claryinase.
I have the Right to be Stoned and Zonked Out.

Mr James is worried about me
It's the first time I've ever slept during art class
Halfway through Billy Holiday's Strange Fruits [of poplar trees and dead bodies and blood dripping from leaves]

Isn't it funny how he's more like a parent than my real parents ever are?

I'm just very very very tired.
It's not people or anything - the sheer workload is killing me.
And here is my NEW and IMPROVED! (upgraded in SG-speak) timetable:

Mon: 8am-5pm school, 5pm - 7pm NYAA
Tues: 8am-5pm school, 5pm-6pm NYAA, 7pm -10pm art
Wed: 8am - 5pm school, 5pm -7pm NYAA
Thurs: 8am - 5pm school, 5pm -6pm NYAA, 6.30-9.30 Econs
Fri: 8am - 5pm school, 5pm - 7pm NYAA

I want someone to kill me quick.
A quick, painless shot in the brain is much preferable to a long, drawn out hell.

Some random news: Class politics has increased to "informats" and "dissenters" - and duh, I'm somehow on the "dissenter" side again. Boofuckinghoohoo. SOMEONE! finally understands that I'm not in love with Gabriel Tan, so I wish people could stop fantasizing.

'Cos today she went up to me and said: "I know why you like Gabriel now. It's not because not any romantic feelings, its because you want to put him under a microscope and watch him right?"

Together: YES! FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS.

Like really. Sometimes I wonder if people realize that what I say and what I do are different, what I think and what I actually feel is different too. What I say doesn't mean much, what I do for you means more. If I'm willing to wake up and go to school just to make you happy - congrats! You're a special and real person in my life. So on the same counts - I can say you're interesting and intriguing, but unless I define what I'm saying [look, for me, almost anything is interesting] please don't over-read it.

But YES! Finally! Someone understands!

And she continued on to say that she thought he was a vile creep, but because of his utter vileness - he was fascinating. Quote: "I never expected that such people actually existed." *fervently* Me Too. Audy would have a field day psychoanalyzing him.

It feels so darn good to be understood for once y'know?

------

Back to more pressing matters.

CJC is disgusting in the way that it insults our intelligence by actually inventing questions during a Q/A session. *doinks* My God. But! Sadly true.

The ambassador guy was quite cool though
He actually knew what he was talking about
It would've been nice to ask a question
He would've given a good answer.

*sighs*

life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it.

Shikata nai.
It's too late to back out now
Just finish it damnit
I just have to finish it.

love
zomboidified tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:00 p.m.+

Addicted

Argh argh agrh!
So much homeworking is crazy

I think it's partily because I don't like it, and thus never feel like doing it and since it is just so I just tend to shove it behind and procastinate until the deadline looms nearer and nearer.......like tomorrow morning -__-;;; dying is an art most procasinators excel in Ahahaha...Sylvia Plath. Come to think of it, I haven't done Sng's essay yet either. Crapstixxors.

Today was those "aw shucks'em" day
Which means alternating between stoned and happy, happy and stoned.

Stoned and happy is like when you're sewing or recreating a passage in Lit-class while idly doodling your latest self-made comic on the Life of being an SG loli - dealing with people who think shirololis are PAP and tropical thunderstorms (which makes petticoats and parasols soggy). Anyway it's a comic about this relatively normal girl called Alice, who isn't particularly smart or particularly stupid who is egl-crazy and poor and living in SG.

It's honestly pretty fun to draw it
I'm now at like....strip 9?
Just for fun y'know? During letcures and tutorials.

------

I'm slightly irritated at certain people in school actually...strangely enough, they happen to be classmates. My tolerance for social class activities dropping again? Looks like it. I guess some people (especially those who voluntarily stay in school up to 7pm) don't understand why. But then again - they don't live where I live. Nothing snobby about it - but I love my home.

It has nice, comfortably blue-green walls which catch light from balcony doors that open up to the sky and trees taller than my floor. The floor feels good - warm, parquet wood the kind that people step on and feels stepped on. The green curtains feel like a cocoon of leaves wrapping you in a sunlight-induced headache - the kind which you sleep and wake with a wonderful grogginess and avid sensation of everything at once (like hangovers). Plus! I'm allowed to slouch, wear natty and tatty shirts and shorts and not wear underwear! :D I hate underwear btw. Cumbersomely pointless extra pieces of cloth meant to cover something that's already covered ie. shirt + shorts.

Just to note: I do wear underwear when I step out of the house.

----------Random-----------

Days that pass like these seem to run smoothly between school and home, home and school with a wonderful balancedness that only comes with the prison of youth. In school, where life is hated and enjoyed with equal intensity; the long hours passed by with ticking clocks and hourly bells lifted only to medicority with mindless lunchhours and forgetful laughter. At home, where life is enjoyed and hated with equal intensity; the softness of bedness to sprawl and dream over only to wake at the nagging yodel of your mother.

The only time inbetween was the journey back and forth - even then, it was at the mercy of noisy televisions saying uninteresting news about death, destruction and all those things that you merely thought of; but never felt for.

So in the prisonlike days of haylcon youth what else is there to do but sit and wonder about Life & Experience? This big shiny glowingly mysterious capitalized worlds so touchingly unknown and only gossiped and rumoured like hidden pronographic magazines under your dirty sodden mattress.

And as the days passed like dragonfly dreams torn betweening hating and enjoying, the journey rides now seem so much more memorable; the nothingness, the freedom - the watching of sky.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:10 p.m.+

Mysterious Skin

*prays for download to work*
Go filefront! :D :D :D
tsu be goodkid and download!

Anyway - flipping through today's newspapers is an abhorrance simply because the whole "mandate"-thing stinks of Confucianistic values and dictatorships. It practically oozes PAP smugness and self-righteousness while the whole NMP thing is basically yet another way to marginalize opposition power. Singaporean politics as usual, it nothing but a authoritarian farce.

Like a gameshow - but more boring.
And the fights are dirtier than any round in Apprentice or Survivor.
Mudslinging PAPers....

The past few days have been a breather from living in the daytoday hell of CJC. To wake up in the late morning sprawled across clean and lemonycrisp Italian bedsheets with milkylight sinking slowly from green, cocoonwarm curtains, then slide your feet on the cold parquet floor is the perfect way to wake up. Or not wake up at all. You could just easily sink back into pillowed dreams and comforting warmth and bury your head under the blankets again.

Tuition on Saturday was slightly boring - not due to the teacher, but more of the subject matter. I generally like economics, but nothing, NOTHING is more boring than taxes and subsidies. If not for random doodles ie. economunchies! who eat econs notes, I'll problably sleep.

By the way, the sky is this bright bacardi-pink now. Like strawberry 7-UP. It smells lovely I think - clean, fresh smell of wet grass and fresh skies and the special scent that only sunset has. A smoky, husky-ish scent that hints of jazz and wind and blues and sexy perfume. And during weekends (more maybe just because I have more time) it smells even clearer - slightly floral and sweet, with hints of late afternoon honeysyrup mingled with the darkening to twilight.

And this faint woody smell...
Then you have to press your nose against the ground to smell it.

(unless you live in audy's house, where most likely you'll skid on varnish xD)

And it's not really a Disney-sky today, it'sm more like blazing rockstars and Jetsream clouds and this persuasive scent of wood. I think rain makes wood smell woodier. Like wood wood That peculiar fragrance that is slightly warm like humanskin, slightly clean like freshair and wet like rain but not as sour.

Rain in Singapore I realize, has this sourish, bitterish tang to it.

It is rather pretty to see the bottom of clouds all pretty and flooded in bacardipink, with the tops fluffy and grey. LOL.

--------

Went to take photographs today because I didn't like the ones I already took. My favourite has to be the swimmingpool+bustop one, which I may upload later. I think it's adorable! LOL. And it was a really rushed photo, but you don't really see it. You see the high contrast of the afternoon light (late, thick and syrupy like doubleboiled honey) and the thin long shadows cast against the bright white fence and the glowing orange seats. I really like that picture ^^, I think it's one of the best shots I have.

It makes such a difference doesn't it?
Light
The different types of it.

Powder light, the kind that sneaks under doorways and exposes everything with the harsh innocence of naviety and stubbornness that stops from from the privacy of pain and hiding. Milklight, the kind of whiteyellow softness that recalls diapers and babyskin and luminous whiteness so gentle it seems more like an angelic glow. Orangelight, which is sick, contaminated and slightly burnt to look at. Looking at it too long makes your eyes swim in pain. And my favourite, is the dazzlingly beautiful late afternoon light. Of course they are more kinds of light, but I'm not saying them all :x secret na?~

Anyway, I'll problably be in school tomorrow.
As much as I don't like it
shikata nai
Live and endure, endure and live

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 07:03 p.m.+

take me on

Listening to: Ninja Cat

I swear my cat talks to me. o.O
And right now, it's whispering Baby The Stars Shine Bright

Actually no. More like internet windowshopping is possibly the most addictive thing and refreshing Closet Child's browser window 10x in an hour can be considered a complusive habit.

Anyway I did my Econs essay on PED, YED and XED. Boring and regurgitative - but that's what microecons is like. I'm usually not so sleepy or figety during tuition, but taxes and subsidies bore me. Stupid Price Elasticity of Supply. *sighs* If not for doodling econsmunchies (itsybitsymonsters that chow on econs notes magically) I'll just die of boredom

I think it's rather amusing that Jared is so emo-y. He's like emovampire! LOL. Problem is, everytime I picture him I think of Gardenia Wholewheat bread, lol. And I just can't stop giggling at that mental image.

Wholewheatbread emovampires.... hmmn...

-----

I think I'm better now.
Maybe. Slightly better now.

I don't really know what to do next.
But I guess it's too late to give up.
shikata nai
The rest is up to nothing I guess.
shikata nai
No choice but to endure it through.

------------

Singapore election results are out
Verdict by tsu?
Why am I not surprised?
Honestly watching it makes me sick.
It's disgusting how politics are played here.
Character assasinations, brass knuckledusters and slamming of each other's parties.....is there really such a thing as a clean and transparently fair game?

Nah. Unlikely.
Look at what they did to be the OB stuff at Forums.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:20 a.m.+

the burn

Today I woke up crying.

It's a strange thing - crying. In a way it's like a release of all that pent-up emotion; fear, helpless rage, horror and pain that comes out all choking and wet and salty in tears.

I just didn't want to go to school.
I hate it there, I really do.

Emotional detachment isn't something that comes easily to me. I can pretend to, but the truth is that I almost always get affected - be it someone I know or not. It just hurts to be in there - constantly criticized and scrutinized for being different (not by choice either). What I hate most about it is how they push me beyond self-control to do implusive things. I don't like it. I don't like how they manupialate me into doing things I know I'll regret; only to have something for them to gossip with later.

Yes, I'm weak like that. Yes, I'm human too. I get hurt. I bleed. I fucking bleed red blood you assholes. And if you can't get that concept into your head - then you're more inhuman than I.

I just didn't go to school. So sick inside y'know? The sickness that eats away your self, the disease festered on your soul slowly sucking away my precious will to live, destroying any hope for any future except that this place was so hateful that it must end - just so that it could just go away

I need to learn how to detach myself from it.
How not to feel.

It's so strange - that the morning which my mother and I fought can now make such a difference. Maybe now I understand her better, and the inhumanity of the mob. I hate it. I hate them for leaving us alone. I hate them for not caring. I hate them for their jeers and laughter and derisive comments. I hate them for being so passive and not helping.

This is wrong. This is wrong y'hear me?
It's so wrong I don't know how to explain it.
It's just pure malicious inhuman evil that exists in society.

Worse than any virus, more relentless than any disease - it's so human and so wrong. Why do people insist on being so evil?

This is human cruelty
Because only humans can come up with it.

It's disgusting. Sickening. Horrifying. Replusive. Loathesome. Detestable. Hateful. Revolting. Odious. Offensive. Excruiatingly horrible.

The persecution of a mob indeed.

I just don't know to to do emotional detachment.
How do you do it?
How do you harden yourself against it?
How do you not feel pain when pricked?

I need to learn.
However painful it is.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:41 p.m.+

Do we take your order now?

Served:
-Deep Fried Kenneth
-Stir-Fried tsu
-Fast Fried Zara

Conclusion: Art today was horrible.

Think bubblegum flavoured cyanide.

I've never ever felt so utterly crushed and demoralized within 5mins of sweetalk.

*sighs*

Today was exhausting - I nearly cried on the bus on the way to tuition because I was just so sick : sick of school, sick of running around with so many goddamned files, sick of feeling like everything was pointlessly meaningless and severely demoralized. I didn't want to draw, I didn't want to write - all I wanted to do was to curl up at home and sleep and cry under my blankets.

Art was really terrible. This teacher from SAJC just came over and destroyed Kenneth's project, reworked my symbology for coursework and changed Zara's into fashion design. We felt dumb, stupid and helpless in face of such Singaporean Pragmatism. It was like a message: Want a Distinction? DON'T BE AN ARTIST! I just felt so disgusting and filthy after that - because I do want that distinction, but I don't want to lose the artistic intergrity of the work. (not to mention Gabriel's words still hurts a pinch)

And by passively agreeing with her, I'm somehow responsible for the destruction of it.

It's just so heartwrenching y'know?

I don't mind modifying it - but she ripped away the sky, the raining men, the desolation of desert and the empty shoes only to leave the out-of-context bustops and umbrella. Yes okay, those are significant - but it feels like she didn't hear a single thing that I said. She thought I was doing a theme on shelther when I'm doing it on temperory absolutes. Reaction: What The Fuck.

Not to mention that after ripping mine apart, she ripped Kenneth's and Zara's too. She more or less told him that his drawing sucks and he should just stick to painting and photography - and that his theme was irrelevant because it was on *gasp* death and philosophy. And of all people! She told Zara to do fashion design - what a waste of her talent.

I just hate it.
I hate being an insituitionalized societyserving painter.
I paint to make me happy first.
I paint to make my friends happy second.
But I'll never paint just because of some stupid public grade.

True, I'm not yet an artist - but I'm learning to be one.
So why should I let go of my principles?

It's just so wrong.
Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

-----

That's the real problem in doing art in any part of the world.

The moment you begin to examine and grade it, you're forcing artists to destroy their own licence based on public judgement. But that's a problem too - what the majority thinks is not always right. If majority believes in killing cats for the sake of health, does that make it right and justifiable?

It isn't just only grading that's the problem, inherent bias inside Singapore's art examinations are another too. For instance - why is painting considered a higher level than sculpture, installation or even photography? Is it not art? Doesn't it require skill, aesthetic sense and discipline as well? By placing painting on the top of the scale - it makes it very easy for schools to implement a One-System teaching which is : "teach painting skip the rest" mentality. Because with our Asianic values of pragmatism, much encouragement is given only to certain aspects without considering the other types.

For instance - everyone learns about Impressionism. But if you notice, EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL in Singapore doing art only does one type - Hyper-realism

What happens to the surrealists, the expressionists, the romantics of Singapore? Are we just left to fade and die away like a vague blur on the canvas?

It's not just unfair - it's misguided and extremely unenlighted.

To think that art is just about abstraction and cubism with random whorls and splotches of paint is just rubbishy and pretentious. High art - or rather, Fine Arts can only be called so if we demostrate a suitable breadth and depth of thought. It's not a pick-as-I-please game, it's a real descision that if I added an object here, or a spill there - does it have meaning? does it have significance? does it add to anything?

Random deletion just to show thought-process is stupid, mindless and robotically Singaporean. As if by minimalizing everything it makes us so much more intelligent.

I just can't stand it.
*irritated*

What? You want your cake and eat it too?
have it burnt with a stomachache you greedy kiasu

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:29 p.m.+

Gluteus Maximus: a random touch on Singaporean politics.

Joys of tuition = 58 questions of TYS MCQ in ONE hour!
Amazing ain't it?

-----

Anyhow, backtrack a bit.
Currently Singapore is having elections again

If you don't really know, having elections in Singapore is a farce which other countries laugh at. Our opposition is generally pathetic - just look at SDP (Singapore Democratic Party) or just generally illogical. According to the Worker's Party (WP), they want to raise the wages of the old and question why managers are paid so much. Common sense tells you that the moment you practice age discrimination, all your investors will start sacking off older workers to keep the Cost of Production down, and hire younger, more efficient workers. More logic entails on why managers get paid more. Using economics theory, they get paid more because the chances of them being irresponsible and unaccountable can cost thousands of jobs and millions of dollars. So every day that person wakes up with that kind of stress in his life. Paid for it? You bet. We're all incentive-driven after all.

It's not to say that the PAP is wonderfully rational either
Just look at their stance on Arts:
we'll fund you only if you produce original artwork according to society's needs

Pathetic isn't it?
It's like saying: "We're not racist but you're coloured."

What really drives me up the wall is how they divide Singapore up into little slices of an unequal pie. Where I live in "offically" known as Tanjong Pagar - or rather, the area that is "owned" by Mr Minister Lee Kuan Yew (aka. Big Brother). It's just this little stretch of road sandwhiched between consumerist Orchard road and the upperclassites angmoh of Sixth Avenue. HOWEVER: Even if I live in Tanjong Pagar, my neighbours across the 3-lane expressway are known as Bukit-Timah/Holland Village.

Time to say together: What The Fuck?!

It's less than a FIVE minute walk.
As in, all I need to do is to walk across the overhead bridge and I'm in BukitTimah/HollandVillage.

Despite it's apparent irrationality, it makes an awful lot of painful sense once you think about it. Tanjong Pagar is known to be Mr Minister Lee Kuan Yew's fave hangout - his terrority so to speak. And no one, repeat:NO ONE dares to contest against him. Why doesn't anyone dare to contest? 1. Fear of retatilation (think of the Pilot Union case, or the Themoli case, or the one that bankrupted his fellow lawyer in the 1960s) 2.There isn't any good opposition.

The sad sad sad truth is that the PAP will be in power (again) not because they're the best or particularly good, but simply because there isn't any alternative.

Kinda like picking the best of the worst.

Yet another irony is that the terrorities most likely to vote AGAINST the PAP isn't the supposed heartlands ie. Bishan, Ang Mo Kio etc but rather the middle-incomers like us living in Tanjong Pajar + Bukit Timah/Holland Village who recieve pathetic amounts of the Progress Package and generally ignored. We're considered to be the "happiest" since we live so near Orchard - but did anyone ever ask us?

Like the fact that we get holes dug up everyday.
Like the fact that that we have extreme amounts of pollution.
Like the fact that we're so constantly upgraded it's annoying.
Like the fact that going back and forth home is a PAIN because we have to pass through road changes everyday.
Like the fact that because of our address and where we live, we get less help from the government.

What so great about living under the Thumb of MM Lee Kuan Yew?

Answer: nothing

The problem with the opposition is that they're really stupid when it comes to picking which areas to get voters from. Learn from Thailand! Learn from America! Rural heartlands = more conservative. Not to mention that the free money aka. transfer funds handed out by the government makes the older generation so wonderfully grateful that they're less likely to vote for you, and more likely to vote for them

But the real crux of the issue isn't so much which MP you're voting for, for what consituiency you belong in -

The real issue here is:
Are you willing to accept PAP's policies for the Rest Of Your Life?

Think about it - from the mudslinging character-smearing gutter-style battles over the Gomez issue (for heaven's sake, SHUT UP) to the topdown dikats of The Big Brothers - do you honestly think that MPs (with their fillylittlefingers) hold any real power?

The ones in power are those like the ministries of Trade, Finance, Foreign Affairs and Army. Or our dear Lee Dynasty: MM Lee and his wee lil' son, our dear PM.

If you notice, except for MM Lee's usual lawyerstyle character-assasination tactics on various Oppositions *koff*Gomez*koff* - all the rest have shut up.

You know why they do?
Because they know that on Sat, May 6th, you'll vote for them.
Because they know that next year, they'll be in power.
Because they know that they're policies, however asinine, will come through.

Because of you.

Which is why our elections are a farce.
As in F-A-R-C-E.
They're basically erections made out of masterbating the Ego of PAP.
Like feelin' good!? y'know..

So what do you do then?
Leave of course.
Why d'you think Singapore faces such a large brain drain?
It's not that it's a large amount of people, it's just that it's a large amount of educated people. (therein lies the difference)

So whether you live under the Mighty Thumb of MM Lee or the Homophobic Jackass MP of BukitTimah/HollandVillage (aka. Liang Eng Hwa), just do what smart people do.

Why be a stayer? Go be a quitter!
No One Owes Singapore a Living.

ciao~ and <3
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:15 a.m.+

diving in

You: thrown headfirst into a whirling pool of chaotic water and foaming voices incessant into babbling oceans of sinking blue.

It's only Tuesday(!) and I'm already feeling so dead.

*stones*

As though I have gloriously reached the Enlighted State of Stoned Nirvana and become Absolutely Cacti. *stones* Was really sick in the morning though, the abortion video made me nearly want to puke all my guts out, and it was just so gross and sickening

I never thought there'll be a day I say this but...
Pro-life perhaps?

It's just horrifying. Sick. Disgusting. Gosteque. Lurid.
And alarmingly violent.
Really....almost holocaustic.

Maybe (as usual) there's seriously something wrong with America.

I walked out though. I just couldn't take it. I can barely tolerate senseless violence (Casshern) and this kind of sheer wasteful wanton destruction isn't just offensive, it's sickening. I felt physically sick y'know? Replused by such ugly inhumanity. I can't tolerate ugliness. Maybe I'm overly sensitive or something but I just can't stand it. It offends me aesthetically and humanly - an expression of sheer horror and absolute replusion.

I was still shaking when I went back to class.
*shudders*
*deep breath*

Started sewing the pink ribbon, the lace looks lovely with it <3~ Ran to Spotlight and back - a sundress costs $80! (2.5m of the blue floral canvas print) I want a spankingly pretty floral sundress. Like sunny-ish and smiley-ish :D :D Technically the print isn't very EGL, but I think it's pretty and that's what counts doesn't it? I don't totally subscribe into the philoso-style yet.

Fitness club - then art with Mr James. Finished perspective drawings which was awesomely hard and I can't believe I'll have to do humongeous one 2mby4m using a bloody 1m rule. Insane damnit. INSANE. But fun anyway. Mr James moved to Potsdamn Road so the studio is much bigger. Kinda sad though~ I liked everything cluttered and lived-in.

Okay I'm dead tired and I have essays to complete but I don't feel like so...yay! Going to sleep on my lovely Italian bedsheets<3~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:22 p.m.+

the Poof! the Floof! ....aaaaaaaaand. It;s a CUPCAKE!

Went out with sakky today~<3~ And the way we greet each other is tremendously funny ie. tsu! sak! TSU! SAK! in ascending tonal "mou"-levels. Ahahaha... walked around Spotlight trying on prints (zomg. I LOVE the beige-sakura print~) and buying stuff for pannier. I really want a sundress for summer darnit. It's going to be June, and June is a holidayterm and holidayterms say "sundresses and beach hats!:D"

Blue sundress? Pink sundress? Sleeveless? Sleeved?
Descisions descisions descisions...
*thinks thoughtfully*
hmmmm....lol
sou deshou na~

Anyway I still think that yellow print looks really nice on Sak - I'm considering getting the khaki/brown one, except that it looks a little too faded to be a sundress. If I'm going to make a sundress, I think a bright darkblue with white flowers and a crosstie back would be really pretty~ My skintone doesn't suit yellow na~ It just looks sickly on me.

Went to Burger Kind and ogled over each other's mooks. ZOMG. I love meta's sailor series! (still) I just can't decide which one to make first >_> At the moment, I want:

- white peterpan+puffed sleeved cutsew
- bordeaux JSK
- blue sundress
- sailor OP

And I more or less used up most of the cloth in the house; I'm left with 1m of white drill, 2.5m of tartan broadcloth (greenxblue check), black drill 2m-ish and miscy cloth bits (only big enough to sew hats ;_;)

And like...3m worth of beige/cream. Which I have absolutely no idea what to do with. Very classic looking though~ (but NOT sundress material. Not happy enough to be a sundress)

I don't even know why I need a sundress lol. I rarely go out into the sun, I hate hot weather and I dislike summer (unles it's the end of it.) But I do like the idea of having a fun, florally, ridiculously floppy and muumuu-ish sundress in a bright, happy pattern like redxwhite polka dots or something.

Went home, sewed my pannier which is now cupcake-floofy. It's a little too big on me, because I overcounted the space for the zip but other than that, it's perfectly find. Gives a nice, roundishly poofy shape. It really makes my ass stick out though o.O but really cool. I can't wait to wear it out on normal weekends~ <3<3<3~ It has an organza/net overlayer of 10m, a hard tulle base of 2m and a supercomfy drill underskirt of about 2.5m in pleats.

Sewing it is a bloody hassle though
After a while you're just sick of all the white floof everywhere
Like getting married to your sewing kit -_-;;

But it's really wonderful
Am going to wear it and watch my ass stick out on Literary Night.

After all, Mrs Sng is asking us to be posh and formal.
What else could be more fun than a posh pannier and a formal mini top hat?
xD xD xD

-----

It's so wonderful to sit with ninjacat and let your toes freeze as you sit in your (matching) pajamas and type nonsensical things about your day. I keep wishing that the weekends never end, and that tomorrow won't come and spoil it.

Phototaking is so horrible
I wonder why they do it.
To show us how ugly we all are?

Anyway it doesn't make a difference.
shikata nai all the way.

It's amazing how easy it is to escape to fantasy with the right things at hand. Packed my sewing kit to school so I can sew during break and math lecture while listening to Kyo go "FUCKA!FUCKA!DOMEEESSTICFUCKA!" and contemplating on my new story: Diary of X

A litte like S-teki, in the sense that you can expect the same sense of humour, but this time I'm basing it on revenge. Not particularly vendetta-ish, more like personal revenge.

Besides, who else better to talk about revenge?
My lifelong ambition is to destroy my father
Of course, gain happiness, get married etc while at it.
But one day I will
One day I'll see him break too

So yes I do know I'll never be happy yadayada feel guilty afterwards etc etc but y'know. I don't care. I promised the sky and the earth that I will do it - and I will. Like the way I promised the sky to live again, and promised the earth that I'll wait - and I will.

Quite sad that I value the sky and earth more than actual humans right?

I'll rather lie to people than break a promise to the sky.

Whatcha'call it? flexible ethics.
Like clouds y'know?
Like weather.

love <3<3<3 especially to you
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:47 p.m.+

It's [] - joy of being

you've got to dance it on you
jump into the moment fake it
move it left and back and forth
feels like you were there yourself
come'oncome'oncome'on
-cause it did no harm-
-did it do no harm-
come'oncome'oncome'on
[holdown]

The sky is violet now - mostly. Violet like bruises, violent brusies that hurt when you press it too hard, hurt like the kind that as a child you had when you scraped your knee or beaten up - the kind that you sat sliently at the corner to prod and poke and cry softly under the cold running water of a shower tap.

Amazing how skies can look like so many things. Grapes, currants, sparkling candy that glittered in the sun like crystals and the rat poison of aconite.

Like perfumes. Today I tasted a perfume I remembered but did not, because the perfume felt like a memory, so it always feels like I did but did not. In this case, I actually did but the original time was not. It was a gorgeous perfume because it smelt like the way memories smelt like - the fragrance of old suns' and floral dreams, of old dresses and tearoses and those beuatiful white and gold glited houses with gauze curtains fluttering cheerily in the wind.

I wonder how I smell like - a memory?
Or an existing person?
Or maybe like someone who does not want to be?
Can people tell?

Gloria says I smell like fruits and flowers, but that's only part of it I know. The indiscernibles - the metallic scent of blood and rain which I know very well because it comes every August every Septemeber like the falling of flowers turned to rain to blood. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really a person - so unbearably light it feels to exist. What's the line? Unbearable lightness of being Yep, that's it. Living like that is a pain.

The moon is an eyelash tonight, a softly clouded lash closed in sleep amongst the velvet night, like a head weightlessly rested on pillows with breath sweet as liqourice smoke. Smoke that tastes like liqourice and strawberries. I don't smoke, but whenever I smell that special kind of smoke (god knows what brand it is) it smells like jazz violins and silk clothed in velveteen steel. It smells like how sex should smell like, but more masculine. Except that we know through science (how heartbreaking) that sex never really is that wonderful, since it involves gross exhanges of liquids and fluids and bits of engorged flesh like an inflammation gone wrong.

Tonight doesn't smell like that though.
It smells clean - like the sea but not salty
It smells like grass and newness and cold
Like a quivering baby newborn with no light
Gestating in the dark like we all should be

----

I'm in a pretty good mood actually. Mainly the lack of school makes me happy. I can't stop smiling this weekend - I think about audy and sak and all the things I want to do and enjoy - the gifts of being alive. Like bannana pancakes doused in syrup or 500 threadcount bedsheets or the taste of ginger sliced thinly with steamed dumplings and the joy of just being alive.

That no matter how frightening school is
I'm still alive.

It's so wonderful to be free - anarchistic and deviously free. Free from multidirectional pulls which do nothing except get me into more trouble. I can't trust any of them, they're too interested in me as a form of entertaintment than an actual person. If I were to suddenly jump up and dance like a monkey they would cheer me on, even if it's detrimental to my health. Which places the point: why would I want friends like that? These are the people who, if I were standing at the edge of a cliff, would cheer me on to jump in.

deep dive into glorious blue
thank you for the friendly push
falling in

You can say I'm a fool - and yes, I agree. Which is why I'm doing myself a favour and staying in a distance. I don't want to be paraded for my latest antic (usually on implusive) in which they can -always- blame me for. Why ever not? It was my impluse, so all they did was encourage me to do it. But that's not right. I'm human, and I like to believe that I have at least an ounce of self-perservation....which in this case tells me that I should stay far far away from the MadzCrowd.

It's just too easy to be sucked up in this madness
The endless rounds of games and relationships and gossip

papercut faces and inkwell eyes
stare you from the masks outside
watching in with crispy folds
cut outs written in appliques
fanning as they writ and watch
-showbooth exihibit
-of you
-and me
-pullingsadfaces
-falling
-into
a hundred thousand and one papercuts
/////////////

it can kill
i know.
it can kill

taskete kudasai~

But.
shikata nai
After all, papercuts take a while to bleed
And I can always always *always* pretend.

Like shoelaces.
His shoelaces.
Orange and untied.
Of all things to remember
I remember shoelaces.

And I can always do the same.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:00 a.m.+

Like a custard puff

Listening to: MTV

Like a sensory overload of puffiness or a choux pastry filled with custard - my petticoat (pannier) rocks. More or less finished sewing it, tomorrow I'm going to Spotlight with Sak to get fannel (for the underskirt) and bordiase angalasise for the overskirt. *happy* Sewing love!~

I feel like a poufy cupcake
*cupcakifies*
*turns stale*
lol

------

The weekend has been really great. No school, no awful people who actually believe that (of all people) Gloria and I are alike. How frightening. It just goes to show how little they understand, how little they know and how obviously unobservant people are.

But then again, I can't really fault them can I?
They were never there when I needed friends most
Never there in JC1, never any where except to take me as amusement.
shikata nai
What else is new?
I'm always walking entertainment
Never human.
Saddening isn't it? But I think it's okay
It's okay because then it gives me the right to treat them as they treat me.
Guiltless living! :D

How wonderful weekends always are
Even moreso when absolutely free

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12.15 a.m.+

Inkwells

I'm problably going to hell for this but zomg I'm seriously considering buying THIS! Meta dress. It's just so pretty! <3~ (liek zomgwtfbbq!) Not to mention it's $329 SGD *dies*

We're not even going to include shipping charges or custom tax....

*dies yet again*
Okane ga nai~~ ;_;

Took neoprints today with audy...lol so funny~ Overdecorated stickerlove! Seriously, we had all sorts of funny stuff on it like voodoo dolls and GANBATTE!logos and skulls and sparkling stars and godsknowswhatelse xD Searched like mad for a bowler hat, with not much success. The closest was this hardtop one but with a marquis shaped top instead of semicircle.

Going to Kino, then shopping with mom tomorrow. Kind of sorted out what I'm wearing for Literary Night (yay!) mainly because since it's a formal event, I feel like I should pay attention to what I'm wearing instead of just throwing on the nearest(cleanest) blouse and skirt. Not to mention Mrs Sng keeps emphasising on how posh it will be, so I have this y'know...urge to please her by going formal. Very formal. I have a feeling she thinks I'm a jeans-type girl (how wrong. I'm allergic to demin)

hee hee hee xD

Now I just need to get the matching pink ribbons hmm...

------

Tuition was like woah! accelerated processing. Basically he covered 3 chapters in 3 hours. I actually had to concentrate harder to keep up with him. But it was okay, took my notes, filed everything(!) and now I know more or less what to write for the exam. I should really do the question on PC though - my marco is pretty fine I should think, but my mirco isn't so clean.

Then Jared, Joceyln, Jeremy, Graham and Brendan decided to watch a movie at J8 but I decided to skip out. Why? I don't want to. As much as I think they're generally nice people, they were never there for me in J1 and not generally important in my life, nor do I forsee that I will keep in contact with any of them (except maybe Graham, cos he's in my church and all). Oversocialization with them is like asking me to be someone else - I don't like it. I just prefer to be alone or just go home and enjoy my 600 threadcount sheets.

If they can make the mistake of thinking that Gloria and I are alike, that just goes to show how little they understand.

I treat her differently from them because she's a friend (a real one now, not just for the sake of convience) and you're like....proximityfriends-aquaintances. Sorry for being so discriminatory, but it's true. Call it barriers to entry if you will.

Anyway, I'm hungry and it's 1am and I'm in need of dinner.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:44 a.m.+

only 19 sides

Went to the musenum for Art today. Like those primary school excursions y'know? Rather nostalgic, mostly aimless. With the exception of a few paintings - nothing really sparked my interest. I love Iskander's SelfPotrait 1997 though - strangely enough, it looks like Kenneth's work.

Then Claire and I decided to skive off and buy icecream while everyone else (pretentiously) admired various artworks by (obscurely) prominent SEA artists whom they "Oooh" and "Ahhh" with great (though false) enthusiaum. Eating icecream though - is nice. Wonderful feeling of freedom sitting in a green verdana in an open countryard, secure in the knowledge that with a glance downwards you might just get caught. But! It was worth it. Cheap thrill is still a thrill yes? No point being jaded anyway.

Tuition was okay. Was there really early, and Mr Lim was nice enough to go through the recent case study test with me. Yeah okay, I got 18/25 but still....I think to some extent he realizes that I'm a little defeatist, which was why he was being so kind and all - nice stuff like I did well and that it was a great improvement etc etc. And! I found a new activity - knotting and weaving cuttlefish strips into various patterns. LOL. It's fun, though I don't really want to eat it. I just need something to do while I'm in class I guess.

Short attentionspan + nervousness = fidgety

--------

I'm quite sorry about what I did today
I intentionally hurt someone again
Even though the person by now thinks it's inconsequential
I know - that makes a difference

I was just fed up to the point of irritation so I was intentionally putting that person down. The said person thought I was simply being tactless - but I wasn't. To see that flash of hurt, the suprise and the withdrawl. And the person problably doesn't even know I know - much less remember it.

But I do.
And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't intentionally hurt people
Even if I can.
It's manupialative and......too addictive.
To do this is to treat people like objects
And to do that would be so much like dad isn't it?

Too horrible.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:04 a.m.+

random comment

Yet again, I'm an utter idiot
ie. zerkang! idiotidiotidiot
I can't find my Kisou CD ;_____;

*kills self*

You know, it's times like this I wonder how I managed to pass O levels (considering my prelims were horrifying), how I stayed in school, scrapped through Add Math and then got into JC. *hangs signboard: warning! stupidity ahead!*

It just feels so fake y'know?
Maybe that's why I don't feel like I belong to CJC
Not smart, not pretty, not particularly special
I wish I was special
I feel like I somehow took another person's place
Stolen another identity, and made to fill this person's shoes
Made to smile :D and stand and throw pretentious words
Airing opinions no one wants to hear; or care for
Half-truths and bullshitting essays and deadlines
Nodding apporiately during tutorials and lectures
Who the hell is this person?
Sometimes.
Ever felt like that?

What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong
No perfect body
No perfect soul
Like a hollowing disease consuming inside
Until you cry for the husk left; unbearably light
Just like that - painful skin

I'm not really like that y'see. I rarely talk with audy, I hate taking photographs (I get by with a painfullypulled smile), I hate going out and generally introverted. And I'm naturally shy around certain people - I sutter sometimes and twist my fingers or pull my hair when I'm nervous. I'm not skinny or pretty or tall or whatever. I'm not particularly brilliant either - my entire life I've been told that I'm useless. I'm not independant and depend far too much on my friends who act as a safety net sometimes. And as you can see, I have a major inferiority complex comfortably hidden so no one knows but me.

Well okay.
Most of my friends know.

I guess it's due to what Gabriel said.
Or rather, implied.
That I have no integrity, or any artistic value.
And implied that I don't deserve to be in CJC.
Though I shouldn't take Gabriel's words to heart
It hurt.
I guess mainly because I already feel like a faker
Defunct production, fascimile hypocrite-self
And he just confirmed it
That I really didn't belong here
That I was just trying to be something I'm not

I'm not smart y'know? Never the creme de la creme, borderline student, nearly delinquent with a host of problems to deal with. I don't deserve being in JC. I don't. Even now I'm thinking What the Hell Am I Doing Here?

And maybe he's right
Maybe I'm not really an artist
I never called myself one anyway
When it comes to description, I always write "painter"
Painter = person who paints
Artist = person who creates art

I guess he just made the pre-existing problem worse. Mr James knows and he says that no matter what, I -am- an artist. But I've never felt that way. Do I really create art? Am I an artist? Or am I simply a painter?

I just feel like I don't deserve to be one.
Like the way I don't deserve to be in S Lit.
I don't deserve to be called an artist either.

So.
That begs the question again:
What the hell am I doing there?

sometimes I think I should've died the last time at 16

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:03 a.m.+

Lonely In Gorgeous

Listening to: Tommy Feburary6

What was a terrible day was salvaged by the fact that even after my sis got lost, then it rained, then I couldn't go shopping and a multitude of other things....

You know what's the Price of Happiness?
$41.10 (without discount)

*squees fangirlishly*
^__________________^
Retail theraphy for the soulsick :D :D :D

Today started off pretty badly though (refer to entry below) Sick, sleepy, zombified. It only picked up slightly after 2.30pm when Steffi bought some coffee. Not to mention it rained like bastards, rained as though the sky was as pissed off as I was about life, shit and CJC (usually all at once) and seemed to intentionally enjoy freezing students in the library while increasing the humidity to unbearable levels of stickyness. Besides that, they started construction work on the classroom where Alex booked, so I couldn't even stone in peace.

Sent them off home early (my J1s problably love me by now since I let them off at 3.45 lol) Then decided to meet up with mom in Orchard (who spent the entire day shopping, lucky damnit) to look for a bowler hat, do some general shopping and look at pretty clothes just for the fun of it.

Then, THEN! my sis had to call and say she was lost and asked my mom to pick her up.

"pissed off & sulking" would be an understatement...
urgh.

It's not like she was very lost, she could've easily taken the bus futher down (she took 14 instead of 174) and transferred. Not to mention this is Singapore - even at PEAK HOURS with "HIRED" logos everywhere you can get a cab. Trust me. Law of supply/demand doesn't do shit in real life. Consider this: If you were a cab driver and you earned an extra $1 during peak hours you'll try to get as many passengers as possible right?

And then she wanted to go HOME! For tuition! argh!
It's not everyday I finish school at 4pm
Nor is it everyday that I can actually go *out*
And I've been feeling sick, disgusted and shitty these past few days - empathy or not, I really wanted to cry.

I mean I could've just gone home to sleep 3 hrs instead of making an effort to go out. Or I could've gone to Spotlight instead of meeting up with mom.

So in the end she dropped me off at Liang Court
'cos she had to u-turn anyway, and I didn't want to go back yet.

-----------------

I HAVE A NEW EGL MOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*squeessqueessquees*
^__________________^
161pgs of gorgeous spreads
And it comes with a FREE! B.P.N tag thing
Wah so cool na~!~!~!

And it has these really wonderful spreads
As in aesthetically *up*there
Nicer than the EGL bible ones, or KeraManix
Plus plus!!!
A putumayo drawing collection! section
~<3<3<3~

Some cool info:
-Angelic Pretty was founded in 1979 (that makes it older than Sak and I *shock*
-Meta's main designer is a rather plump lady (not skinny! No wonder meta has plus-sized stuff)
-Putumayo's main designer is a guy
-BPN's designer is female! Like really! o.o
-MAM/MAXIMAM's main inspiration is a pair of cats~<3

And not to mention that there's a bunch of new brands which other mooks don't have ie. Moonlight Afternoon, 6%DokiDoki which aren't just EGL, but various other trends as well. Best thing really is the H.Naoto spreads. There's like 10 pages devoted to H.Naoto (and their subdivisions). It's heartening to know that it took him only 6 years to make it so famous (founded in 2000).

Then I decided to randomly explore the place (part curiousity, part boredom) Met Serene (who looks as cool as ever, crap I'll never look as cool). In which I found:

- American SOFT greentea chocolate chip cookies (the tagline is hilarious: "made with the freshest American taste!

- Collegen Ichigo SkinPump candy o.O;; tagline: filled with collegen to keep your skin young and beautiful with ichigo gummies!

- Plum flavoured instant noodles

- Instant wafer-miso soup (basically you break the wafer in hot water and mix with spices, no disposal needed!)

- La RINKA:Appreciate in chocolate in shining heart wrappers! (heart shaped chocolated lol)

- RAMUNE! :D anyone feel like doing a Kantarou? (comes in Apple, Peach and Blueflavour!)

If anyone's interested, I have pictures of the above stuff

Btw, audy you want to go there?
I saw like, dozens of your fave stuff
Vending machines, funny Engrish and weird shops
(they even had dispensing icecream machines!o.o!)
And there's this really cool bridge near the water with nice scary architecture.

And I guess
Despite everything, I'm really glad
(or maybe it's just my squeeing talking)

Lonely in Gorgeous
Why you doing there standing all alone?
I'm breaking my heart just looking at you
Pick all the glitter
And throw it back at you
You're too much in love with yourself to care
Lonely in Gorgeous
You're breaking my heart
Lonely in Gorgeous
It's the end of Party NIGHT
Lonely in Gorgeous
Why should I care?
That's the last from you.

love
very happy (spendthrift) tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:29 p.m.+

Profile of a stoner

Listening to: Pierrot - Smiley Skeleton

Finally finished Econs PBL at 2am in the morning. Actually it wasn't too bad, I lumped BoPdeficit, currency and exchange controls together which amounted to a 521 word paragraph (which I later sub-divided). The only problem was unemployment, which was horrible because I didn't pay attention during lectures and was doodling or sleeping. Not to mention that I accidentally left my notes in school, so I had to paragraph it blindly with a combination of Google and Wikipedia.

Went to school and just zombified.
*stones mechanically*

Barely survived GP with Sng, and was so sleepy that I actually slept during Lit with Fahy o.O first time. I think he thought I was sick (not to mention I rarely slept in his clss) which was why he simply let me off with a warning. Slept through break as though I was dead. Even when Ms Giam walked in for Econs, I was still sleeping and when I woke up, couldn't form complete sentances.

CCA after this, then go to Spotlight.
*sighs*

--------

I really want a holiday
Not just a one-day off MC
But a true blue holiday

A vacation to somewhere I rarely see, that I can forget myself and who I am and just dissolve into the sheer newness of Another Life. Yes okay, I realize that's impossible (according to Kiekegaard anyway) and besides, I'm idealizing it. Even if I were to do that, I'll still have to deal with the loneliness, the isolation, the desolation.

Currently contemplating on:
-lunch (a sandwhich of Unidentified Filled Objects)
-buying tulips
-CJC hell
-Whether Friday is a 1/2 day or not.

----

Remember when I was in JC1 and said that CJC was hell personified? I don't take it back at all. I suppose to some extent I've integrated enough to just survive, but I still feel the same way. The scariest thing about it is how close it is to lose yourself into rounds of gossip and CCA and school activities - a whirlwind of superficialities. It's true, school(s) are simply mircosystems of societies BUT with their own personal rules and subcultures which may/do not apply in real world context.

It's superficial in the sense that nothing is absolute or concrete, and the relationships forged are based on proximity and power - with such a strong interconnectedness not found anywhere else except in schools. If you were in polytechnics or universities there won't be this problem because the interconnectivity is still relatively lower than in a school which is stuffed and packed like sardines in a brinefilled tincan, swimming belly down in the same direction.

The power of being anonymous is lost y'know?
The feeling of keeping your secret identity whist inside.
Lost.

And the funny thing is that real life isn't like that. It's actually kinder and less cynical (oh! irony!) simply because of this lack of interconnectivity. No presumptions, or that incesteously close bond that the people in school have with each other.

But then again, it's not possible to give up now.
If I wanted to, I should've done it when I was in sec4
209 days left to go.

I should keep a backwards reading calender just for this.
If not I have to keep on counting and recounting.

-------

I give up.
shikata nai
I just want to get through school as painlessly as possible
And with everything more or less settled in equalibrium
It should be good isn't it?

Imagine:
Imagine a song in the dark.
Imagine the disembodied voice that calls
Whispering like a lover in your ear.
Imagine:
Imagine what it would say
Imagine the tone, the fingertips of voice
And the secrets to hear.
Imagine:
Imagine the rustle of windsongswords
Imagine the translators, the dead mourners of sky
Imagine this.

you're the truth not i

My fingers feel cold.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:06 p.m.+

open drive nightroads

i wish you were here
I really do.
I wish you were here because then I won't have to hear
I wish you were here because then I won't miss you
I wish you were here because then school doesn't hurt so much
I wish you were here because at least I knew someone cared
I wish you were here for all the reasons I don't want you here

Because I'll rather you be happy than die in CJC.

--------------

Tomorrow will be disgusting. I just know it.
But you know, just have to go through this.
You can start counting down the days with me.

365 364 363 362 361...

If there's anything I *positively* regret is by asking him in the canteen. Why? Because people. And his class. Which is full of mindlessly boring science idiots who have no life which is why they talk so much.

pinkred gloozies and broken ritsos
you talkin' with your bloodred rot
split lips and glazed eyes; glassmine deadly
hello peanut crunching audience
Welcome to the SHOW BOOTH nightmare
Exhibition 1# of Sanity soul torn
the spit, the vomit, the shit
suck it up you greedy pigs, this is REAL tv for you
mindless void, a hollow husk of flesh
watch for the magic performance of exploding skulls
ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE
falling curtains and broken bones
to the rictus smile of a broken ringmaster
as a rain of red blood to the dead encore
glory to the gory of the hungry crowd
FUCK YOU.
[bow]

Still obsessing over foto_decadant which is gloriously beautiful. The colours are just fantastic and surrealism (especially the SOMA photoshoot) was just beauty personified . There's something about ironic beauty that makes it so appealing, perhaps because if the it wasn't paradoxical it would be strange.

After all, Kierkgaard argued that faith requires doubt to be worthy, so why not applied to beauty? That beauty requires ugly excess to be truly worthy?

2am.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:44 a.m.+

Ovens

Today was one of those days were you wished you didn't wake up, because if you didn't, then nothing would've happened and you won't be sitting here right now, typing in the dark with your knees colder than ice and plagued by the devils of self-doubt.

I really shouldn't have asked
But then again, if I didn't I'll feel guilty
(or what is known as the Conscience of Sitting Next to Graham)

But when I thought about it, Graham was right because using someone else's photographs - no matter how symbolic or that you literally can't get caught (you can only be sued if it's defamation or slander) - is rather terrible. I'll be unhappy if someone did that, so I should extend the same courtesy by asking politely right?

So I did.

The problem was that he agreed at first, then when I went to settle the time when he was free and stuff (try borrowing a tripod, a suit, a bowler hat AND finding a sketching set within enough time) and he was just being an asshole. After a while during his rant-session, I just tuned off. Sick of apologizing (and him not accepting) and being told that I was a horrible artist and had zero intergrity, artistic or otherwise. He just assumed based on some weird pre-concieved notions of me (wtf) and he just refused to do it (while 10mins ago he agreed, gee - and people call me a vacillating mind)

I just give up y'know?
No point anymore.

It's as though everything is my fault. He blames me for people talking and his theory is that I should be avoiding him too because it's "basic courtesy". For all idiots out there, courtesy is defined to be :

1. Polite behavior.
2. A polite gesture or remark.

In what way is avoiding people considered polite behaviour?

Even if I apologized (which I did, after giving up trying to explain) he just didn't believe me. There's really no point anymore - utterly meaningless and wasted purpose.

Take your pick of adjectives: frustrated, exasperated, driven to indifference and hurt.

I just feel it's all my fault again
I keep thinking if I did something better it would've turned out differently

but then again, regrets are pointless now.

It's like asking if I could just sleep forever and never wake up.

Don't worry
I'll be fine
Really
I won't do anything stupidly dangerous.
promise.

+tsu waited for you at 01:10 a.m.+

Vertigo

I'm offically known as the Stupidest Person on Earth (tm)
There's no way round this reckoning anymore
And as they say:
If you can't run anymore, Take the bull by horns

I confess:
I haven't really done a great job of erasing Gabriel
I don't really know why either
Maybe it's because self-destructively scientific
Maybe it's because it makes me feel normal and human
Maybe it's because I'm just curious and curiousity is a craving

I think it's just curiousity anyway.
I don't really lust over anyone
And I don't see any future at all
Nor do I want to because he's the type that might just kill me

However self-destructive I am, I value the soft liquid sunshine and the windsongs, the rolling sea and the starkly beautiful sky.

But I think that he's important
At least as a catalyst in JC

And if CJC is my symbolic hell (with the sky metaphors floating like clouds everywhere), then what better place to add him in?

So if you recall my final painting/installation which is officially 1.5m by 3m, with a bustop and an umbrella with fluttering newspapers and leather shoes - he's going to be the motif/template for the Falling Men From the Sky. I can't think of anyone more apporiate - a mirage that can be seen only up close, unconnected, untouchable and distant and invisibly -there-. Perfect metaphor! Besides, I already have decided which bustop to use (peeling cream/orange one) and which umbrella (dark blue with black handle) and what kind of shoes (brown leather)

I'm semi-tempted to subsituite the rolled up newspapers with an EGL mook instead xD xD xD

So in the end, the people who have somehow affected me, in some way or other, contributed in this project. The bustop is my family, the empty shoes like my father - or maybe every single man who have ever deserted me. The open umbrella is from audy - waiting out there unexpectly, that I will never forget the shelter she gave me from this hell. The newspapers are like dates in the calender - fluttering away as I count them by and as for the falling men in bowler hats - quidam d'corp.

Modernistic isn't it?
But then again, I'm a Kiekegaard-fan.
Not exactly subscribing to everything, but his definition of despair is problably my favourite.

----------Kierkegaard digression 2-------

despair is the sickness of life.

I don't exactly agree with his method of curing despair though - faith? I doubt it. If "faith" was really the cure-all, then it would be impossible due to the despair of self. How do you achieve faith then? Through hope? But one of the symptoms of despair is cynicism, and cynicism/vitrol poisons any hope. But then again, this is the early stages of existentialism, way before Sarte and Barthes or any of his (angst-ridden) successors.

What's really important about Kierkegaard and Husserl is that it was -THEM- who made the first attack on the Hegelian claim: "The Real is Rational, just as the Rational is Real"

For them, rationality and reality were both subjective to the perciever. In the case of Kierkegaard, he believed in the individual and the individual's relationships towards the world. Simply put: self is the ultimate governor of what life is and what life means. This is particularly seen in the theory of "Infinity of self" that there are we can never fully explain ourselves because we are infinitely knowing AND unknowning. In this sense, he reflects his puritanical-Christian roots - the belief in the "soul". However, he believes not in the immortality of soul, but rather, the depth of soul.

I just can't really stomach the "leap of faith" thing.
Maybe I'm slightly cynical, but using doubt as an indicator for a faith worth having?
pyschotic!circular!thinking is more like it.

Husserl on the other hand, presents a more cohesivethinking pattern. (for one thing, he's not so messily inclined to anonyomity) The inter-subjectivity though, is more in the line of existentialist psychology than anything else. Not to say it's a bad thing, but it makes his writings difficult to seperate from what is just anthropological observations and what is theoratical.

Anyway, I think he's much preferable to Camus, Nietzsche or Sarte. Mainly because I think the trio mentioned are a little too dogmatic in their thinking - as if impressing the audience that they were right is more important than seeking insights.

I just can't seem to develop a taste of the stuff-down-throat kinds. Reading Thus Said Zarathusa is like "oof! philosphical propaganda!"

So what do I believe in really?
None I guess.
I read them, absorb them, but as Mr James says: "Don't take everything to heart."

That by the way, is an excellant warning.
If not, you're end up like this:
With you, it's all nihilism, cynicsm, sarcasm and orgasm"

In order: Nihilism (the belief in nothing), Absurdism/Existentialism (God is Dead), Satire/Swiftian (sarcasm to nthdegree) and Hedonism/Decadance (purpose of life is pleasure).

This more or less describes the pitfalls of studying philosophy.

*points to teen-angsters*
see? Good example right?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:30 p.m.+

More tulips for Sutterland

Listening to: Pachelbels Canon in D + Domestic Family Fucker

*points to playlist above*
It's weird I know
One moment you have violas/violins/cellos/string bass in all their woodwind gorgeousity, next moment you have Kyo yelling Fuckaaa!!Fuckkaaaa!!DomESSticccckkFuckaaa!

---------

Stoned most of the day, mostly because I've now gotten a new playlist for my discplayer. Reads something like: Bloc Party, Radiohead, Interpol, Abandoned Pools, Placebo and other stoneristic songs. I get by stoning, I get home stoned then I go to sleep like the undead. It isn't so bad, y'know? Cheaper (and safer) than SSRIs, has no side effects (dizziness, nausea, hormonal changes) - and you get that lovely numbed, clouded state of suspended animation and docility (always useful in school) - pullstring - jerk - move - pullstring - jerk up *dokidoki*

Mrs Sng as usual, makes my life miserable (re:mizerable). Ah! How wonderful my life would be without this capricious creature with foul lips and childish tempers running high on the blood of Louis Vuitton Handbags and jarring cackles. I think she's trying to overload me with as much as work as possible so I'll drop from S Lit.

WTF we have to do a 10mins presentation with 3 people and the proposal needs to be submitted by Friday?! (liekzomg!wtfbbq!!!111oneoneone u r liek gonna pwnz me!)

*not happy*

Art was problably the best class of the day. Lit was horrible. It's not like I have anything against Pauline Chua, but her PractCrit classes make me want to cry with boredom and stab myself over and over with a pencil.

Got dirty with paint again *sighs* shikata nai. I can't seem to figure a way to keep clean without losing brush control. On the other hand, it was really fun because I had this -great- Rene Maguritte inspired photograph with blue skies and a wheatfield.

Well, okay, pesky mosquitoes are an annoyance.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:28 p.m.+

Inter-subjectivity

Husserl's theory of inter-subjectivity just PROVES that there's no point being objective (liek zomg screw j00 all science students!!!111oneoneone)

The metaphysical problem of establishing the material reality of what we perceive was of little interest to Husserl (other than when he had to repeatedly defend his position of transcendental idealism, which did not at any point propose that there were no real material objects). Husserl proposed that the world of objects and ways in which we direct ourselves toward and perceive those objects is normally conceived of in what he called the "natural standpoint", which is characterized by a belief that objects materially exist and exhibit properties that we see as emanating from them. Husserl proposed a radical new phenomenological way of looking at objects by examining how we, in our many ways of being intentionally directed toward them, actually "constitute" them (to be distinguished from materially creating objects or objects merely being figments of the imagination)

Or, to summarize:

Objects are always in correlation with the enviroment, and because each is related to one another ie. cup is on the table, there is no true object. For the cup to exist, it exists in the context of the table, each is mutually reaffirming and thus cannot be seperated.

However, Husserl states the just because it's subjective doesn't mean that the object doesn't exist, but that since we categorize it according to functions/notions, it becomes subjective as we already have a preconcieved notion of it, even if we have never seen it before (enviroment affecting)

Much like semotics (Barthes), Husserl's philosophy attempts to identify the invariant features of how objects are perceived and pushes attributions of reality into their role as an attribution about the things we perceive (or an assumption underlying how we perceive objects).

Which is why objectivity is absolutely pointless
In what way can you ever take an object out of context?
Surrealism?
But that's not true either, because it's a distortation.
Anit-space?
But that's not true either, because it's defined by space, so it's within certain confinements as well.

The closest to ever achieving objectivity would be to do a drawing because then you're transferring a 3-D object into a 2-D space. Even then, it's subjective because YOU are percieving it.

No point being empirical is there? xD

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:18 p.m.+

This Modern Love

Still thinking about yesterday

I wonder if I looked like them.

Thinking about it, how the cyan lights cast over their skin like pallid pallor of youth now growing old; every second could be felt with age and tiredness - glimspes of the future of adulthood. Paradoxical touching and hand holding, half in want, half in fear with sweetsweet poisoning liqour and the childlike curiousity of tasting candy. The lidded looks that adults have now painted on my schoolmates' faces, sprawled across white sofas and white chairs, like masks we place over our true inexperience - that we're really wanting to like it, that we belong in this world.

I just find it strangely saddening to watch them like that

Do they want to grow up so desperately? Of course not. Yet they can't help wanting to try, excitement flitting like butterflies in the sky. We tell ourselves with our flashing pink ICs that yes, we're old enough; yes, we're loud enough; yes, we're obnoxious enough with our roaring laughter as we enter the bar ordering drinks with the practiced carelessness and recounts of olden drunkeness and past clubbing days as if trying to confirm that Yea! That's Me!

But the truth is they're as unprepared as I, for all their bravado. Like the way boys become men when holding a gun for the first time in their lives, we rush foward to this glimmering prettiness of falsities even if we know better - mad rush. We might not know what we want to be, what we want to do or how we're going to do it but everyone and I mean, EVERYONE wants money, sex (or love depending who you're talking to) and fame in the Land of GrownUp.

And I can't help but wonder
Did I look like that too?

stare in the mirror and face the horror inside Y.O.U

I'm not yet so old, or so jaded
But I find it so terribly terribly tragic

this malenky clockwork orange
so queer; over and over
touching toes and bended knees
so young; over and over
bang bang bang against concrete walls
so broken; over and over
the animal of youth will ever learn?
[over and over]

Art tomorrow, thinking of what to draw. The bus stop photos will need developing, and most likely I'll be doing bowlerhat-man again. Since I'm doing only the back of a man, I'm thinking that maybe I should do some practice by hanging around the canteen looking for people to draw.

Actually, no
I think I've decided what(or rather, who) to draw
Befitting of it, lol
After all,
It's a mirage, isn't it?
just like now//killsometime

Foreign Exchange is offically my favourite topic for Econs in the year. Technically it's supposed to be the hardest topic, but I'm contary like that. I'm addicted to the balancing of accounts, and trying to get perfect zeros. Like the way they gave us zero-matrices during Add Math. It's fun! It's zero! 0-0--0---0----0-----0------0000000

------

Sometimes I wonder what happened to Lareina
The last email I got from her was in Sept 2005
In Tokyo. Studying Japanese on a student permit.

I wonder, what's she doing now?
Translator? Takoyaki? Or.....erororita?
I don't want to think about it
Maybe I should have tried harder.
But I can't lead her life for her can I?
Still....

regrets, like wishes, fill no bag

Maybe I should just send an email, just...y'know
Just to know she's alive and not working as something less than desirable.

But I won't get cheated again.
Promise.

-----

*shifts restlessly*

the sepia dirt walls doused in red posters
peel, over dancing tunes played on stratching vinyl
somewhere, that mother holds needles in her palm
glossy, bone porcelein needles as they knit
red cloth
as the embryotic fluid spills between knees
sticky
dead music from the flies

----

summer fences stretch across fields
like companionable sunshine
till we saw that day
where the crickets' died in song
all about days
lost our way
are you fine?
maybe in time - I'll find
you'll be warm
to be mine

[tonight]

-------

God I'm such a hypocrite sometimes. *emoemoemo!!!* Nah, not really. More like stoneristic

don't get offended
baby you've got to be
be more discerning
-I'll be yours-
anytime

Meh.
Life: fish swimming in the porclein shit throne of the toilet bowl.
All together:BLOOP!BLOOP!

-------

Anyway, new layout featuring tulips and windowframes. I give brownie points to those who can actually see what I've typed :D Considering I intentionally mixed up all the words like a jigsaw puzzle. The brush behind is actually my handwriting and not a script. Yeah, lol, I write like that. Cursive, borderline illegible script-goodness. Sometimes I think it's not so much penmanship but more in the lines of: "Let's make it hard for teacher's to mark!" On the other hand, it's so distinctive that any teacher who hates me know it right off.

Why tulips?

Because tulips are -pervasive-. Imagine the swaying powdery stalks beneath the grilled windows; ghostly blue cups of lavender and teal, desatured paleness against the grey hardness of stone walls, walls that cut your palms if you press too deeply as you inhale the fragrance of it. Soft like wind and sugary kisses, just outside your little cellwindows of blue bars - I watch you as you watch me; pick up those tulips and crush them under your feet.

were you unaware?
did it catch you out?
aren't you glad i found you? did it break you?
right from the start? uninvited in the mind
this could be an
an oppotunity//-oppotunity-
if you promised to//promisedto//
let it
grow//go
cos you're the one i love//you'retheoneilove---

Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it....

The slienthorror windows and ghost tulips
But that's how it should be isn't it?
Always in photographs.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:03 p.m.+