+tsu waited for you at 01:47 a.m.+

Exothermic

Listening to: Drain Away - Dir en Grey

WAIIII~~~~~~~ I feel so loved. My mom offered to buy me a dress for Christmas. A Ralph Lauren one. A PINKKKKKKK one. With pink edges and lacy frills. A PREETTTY one.

And it makes me look like Cinderella~~~~~~~~*twirls*

But I didn't take it even though I loved it because it's waaay expensive and it can't wear it all the time. Too pretty~~~~~ But at least now I know that I'm pretty if I wear the right clothes. LOL. The salesperson was whistling at me!

Bought leXis's present finally. AAARRRAGHHH....I don't know what to get for Auddy *dies* or Judith *dies again* And Judith got me something too *dies* And sent me a card! *dies yet again* It's a very pretty slivery card with the most -adorable- teddy bear on the planet Earth. Awwwww....good thing I sent her one as well or I'll feel bad. *tsu sent a red butterfly one* I think all my cards will be late though because I've been packing all my books and I haven't really had much time for anything except to pack pack and pack somemore.

So dusty...>.< It's so hard to breathe with the platina of dust everywhere.

On the other hand, my mom agreed to get me the nice grey miniskirt from Jus' de Orange. It's a french brand and it's -quite- pretty. Anyhow, I now fit into a certain type of shopper. ^^ I'm a Traditional Romantic Punk. LOL.......It means I adore stuff like Kenzo, Bluberry, Ralph Lauren, Mango and Zara as well as punk brands like Moschino, Jus de Orange, Atsuyo Tamaya, Future London and Trixlini. LOL......Shopping habits. Ooooooh...Had a discussion today with mom about how women are getting fussier and fussier with clothes. I mean, it's not really fussy. I just like quality. Yea, I know most of my clothes are pretty expensive but I feel I deserve them and also I can wear them from trend to trend. I prefer the exquiste feel of wearing wool/cotton mix in my skirts rather than the cheap rough material. I don't mind synthetics, it's just that I like seamless workmanship (how to check 101 : Hold the cloth at eyeline and pull slightly, if the threads are too tight, the cloth will have wrinkles near the collar, if it's too loose, the threads will not tense up)

So what if I like branded and expensive clothes?

Well, I like them. And I deserve a little niceness now and then. It's a way of rewarding myself on whatever I have done, a reminder that I'm not only a daughter/sister/job but a -PERSON-. So I like my lovely short skirts, lacy tops and Mary Jane shoes. I know it's expensive and severely lessens my chance of getting a boyfriend. (my mom warned me that I'll be high mantainance) But if the guy can't accept me and appreciate me trying to look good, PLEASE. *rolls eyes* No worth it.

It also helps that I adore anything pretty and sparky.

So tomorrow is Christmas eve and I'm going to wear my white, pearl beaded collar top with lace with my checkered pink skirt (perfectly cute I say) and stockings with my new pair of white ballerina shoes. My hair is naturally curly so all I have to do is to just brush through it. ^^ Yay, and I'll tie a sparky pink ribbon and ta dah!~ Off we go~

Oh, don't forget the lip gloss...It sure tastes yummy. *licks some* It's strawberry flavoured and I can't seem to stop eating it LOL.

Okie, ja~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:36 p.m.+

To Pound a Headache

Listening to: Anything LOUD. Ermm...Psycho le Cemu, Dir en Grey, Merry....et cetra. Oh, X Japan too.

Woke up groggy and sticky...I don't like that feeling. Feels like muck on your skin, a thin platina of muck. YUCK. And dreams....so freaky. It's a "I've been here before!" combined with a "what the f--k?". Generally, about war. Okay, I'm too tired to eleborate much.

Packed some of my books and I realized with quite some regret, I'll have to give some away. Saddddd....I'm giving only kiddie stuff though, so it'll be going to an orphanage of my choosing and not some snotty cousin. Went for tuition, calmed myself down mentally and set myself to do chemical calculations.

Okay, I openly admit I love chemistry.

Doing it, calms me down. The soft clicking sounds of a calculator, the strach of an inky pen, the equations and reactions all in a perfect mix of pattern and variables. It'd just simple to lose yourself and stop caring when you're reading complex polymers and hydrogen bonds. It feels nice, like blue nice. Soothing at least. It's repititive but testing so there's a hidden chanellenge in each of them. I love Chemistry~

Sat through a dinner with my grandmother (farental side). ARRRAGGGHGHHH!!!!!!!! Only she can make my wondeful calm mood disappear like petals in the wind. By Jove! She sulks! *dies in horror* Her mouth just twists down as she pokes and pries into my warm and cosy life, asking inane questions (usually about my brother how wonderful) and complaining about the amount of books I own. Not only that, she thought that my books were my brother's. *gets pissed* He doesn't read damnit! THOSE ARE MINE. Please Just because he's a boy doesn't mean that he's automatically more intelligent than I am.

Tried to be civil, tried to be polite and then made a fast escape to the computers and blasted Dir en Grey as loud as permissible. For some reason, Luna Sea's "Sweetest Coma Again" is just the right amount of loud banging. Anyways, the white noise is prolly coma inducing plus it has the most delicious bass/guitar solo in the middle. Delicious I say. Go SUGIZO!~!~! ^____________________^ So while my mom was playing Sweetest Hostess, I was being "anti-social". Of course, I'm sure you're pondering WHY we invited her in the first place.

We didn't.

She invited herself for dinner. *ish awed at her grandmother's insane belligerence*

Anyways.

love,

tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:42 p.m.+

Karismasu Resolutions

Listening to: Drain Away - Dir en Grey

Tsu's Christmas resolution: I WILL GO OUT AND ENJOY MYSELF

I absolutely -detest- people who quarrel during Christmas, even more so when I have no one to spend it with.

This has got to be the loneliest Christmas ever.

It's not really just leXis, but my *family* as well. *family* being a relative term. I wish I could get out of the house as much as possible, and avoid the fights. Fighting, methinks, spoils the spirit like no other. Other things that rankle : Shouting Matches, People Crying, Frowning, Irritance and Cynicism. I swear to the heavens above that this christmas, I don't want anything expensive. I don't want another computer, I don't want a discman, I don't want drawing pens, I don't want clothes, I don't even want that Yoshiki single.

All I want is people to love each other.

And peace.

Is that too much to ask for? We're FAMILY. It should be easy. Why all the slient jealousy and stress? Why all the heated fights and frayed tempers? I end up playing peacekeeper, alternating between misunderstanding after misunderstanding. Look, be more flexible. Listen more and talk less. If you shout, you'll never hear what is actually said. Just be paitent with one another and LISTEN.

All this fighting isn't going help anyone, and it's giving me zits too. (thanks mom, for your wonderful pre-christmas present) Laugh, smile and point at the pretty sparky things that shimmer in the air in the humid nights where cars are honking and streets filled with jostling people with red shopping bags.

Can't you feel the golden magic?

It's CHRISTMAS

I will always be grateful for the support of my friends, but they will, and always be, friends. Okay, some of them have reached "adopted family status" [Natsuki, GA , Auddy to name a few] but. BUT. I live with you, I smile and cry with you. I see you everyday, can't you just be agreeable just once?

We had our father deserting us, why can't we just settle our differences and become stronger?

On a totally different note, I wish, just this once, that God really existed and everything will be okay. Sometimes I feel I've taken too much and I....just wonder if I can keep on fighting for what I deserve. I just wanted to feel safe and contented and loved. Nothing really, just affection.

But then I start to doubt myself all over again if I did the right thing.

Or that I should've died instead.

Most of the troubles, I suppose, is my fault. It's really simple, jealousy. My siblings think my mom favours me (which she does) and feels discontented by it. So they don't like me that much. My brother used tt openly hate me, but now, toned down slightly. I can still see it in his eyes, and I wonder sometimes, if that spark is a spark of hared. It's no wonder he likes my dad, because my dad favours sons, and showers him with attention and money. No love though, except for the fact that he's male and carries the family name.

It's not my brother I'm worried about.

It's my sister

I love her dearly and I'll do anything to help/protect her. Of course we argue like all sisters do, but I love her anyways despite her presudo-sulkiness. But I'm scared because if she also feels discontented and jealous, will she hate me?

I don't think I can stand that.

I know I know....I'm not really fair to her, because I always take up attention and everything. I'm not purposely doing it, it just so happens that I'm a born performer. So she gets irritated when my mom pays attention to my opinions only. And she feels left out......I don't want her to hate me because of that. Yet, I don't want to spoil her.

So what do I do? If I spoil her, she'll always get her way. But if I don't, she'll hate me.

I feel so lonely sometimes.

I wish sometimes that I was dead and I could sleep forever and forever dreaming of Yoshiki.

But I can't be selfish can I?

So like some good girl I live. Not for myself, but because of others. It's unheathly, but if not, I would've swallowed 1 pound of parcementol and killed myself sooner.

That's why I have such genkiness and laissare fare.

It's really simple to be genki all the time when you know you might die anytime.

It's really easy to be uncaring about yourself when you live for the sake of others.

That's why when I told Natsuki I would go into prosituition if that's what it took to get into UCLA (pay not-cheap school fees). She was horrified that I would do something like that just to get into a school. But when you don't value much on yourself but on your goal, the oldest profession doesn't seem too bad.

After all, it's just sex, not making love.

She only convinced me after the words, "Yoshiki".

So there you have it.

Now you know that it's possible to be genki and depressive at the same time, and that Christmas is supposed to be magical.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:01 a.m.+

Too Right.

Listening to: Forever Love- X Japan, Stand- Jewel and Drain Away - Dir en Grey.

My fingers feel cold.

*mistypes*

Spent the whole of yesterday finding the best way to grow "hoppers" only to find that I have everything except the mineral itself. Bismuth. >.< AND IT'S SO PRETTY TOO!~

People who still haven't gotten any stuff for me (which is actually more people than you can imagine) you can get me a tartan miniskirt, geology set (loupe lens please) or Bismuth (99.99% purity).

It's actually pretty amusing when your mom and friends have no idea what to get for you. Am I that hard a person to buy for? My mom doesn't know, my brother doesn't know....Ack, most people seem to encounter a roadblock when it comes to me. ^^;;; I actually find it quite amusing and sad at the same time. Amusing because it's so ironic cos I like surprises. Sad because after so many years of living together/friendship, they still don't know what I like.

Well, DUH. Just get me chocolates.

Went for mass, yawned and did the routine. Sit, stand, kneel. And sit again. It's like passing motions. *grins at wordplay* Went shopping for stuff, and told my mom to just tailor me a miniskirt because she couldn't afford the original. She didn't believe me.

So I dragged her to Bulberry and showed her the price tag.

$760.90

Well, I did warn her, and I'm getting mine tailored now *finally*. Got something for uncle Marc and finally the stock for leXis arrived. (30 pieces only wtf!!) So I put it under reservation, and I'm picking it up on Tuesday. Did the shopping that we needed and ate Japanese food. (yummmmmmmm) They shouldn't say sorraaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA (in Drain Away). I'll bet you anything it's actually soooobbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I like soba more than sora XD

I bet Kyo does too.

Still haven't recieved my mail from Prof. Theodore. He's a chemistry/mathemathcian and I was hoping to buy some bismuth pellets off him. And 1 kg of mix for identification purposes. What good am I as a gem/chemical expert if I can't identify a carnelian from a garnet? Or a tormaline from a chrysobel?

*loves all sparky things*

I wish I owned some tarzanite though. It's my favourite and it comes from Russia. SOOOOOOO PRETTY!~~! Lovely vividicy, wonderful clarity and the colours range from deep pink to ultraviolet. ^________________________^

I looove dragees....*pops more* yum yum. And I must find some liquid nitrogen to make some ice cream ^-^ If they can do it, I can do it!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:58 p.m.+

Dragrees

Listening: Jewel-Stand (hey! it's different!)

Woke up late and realized, as I flopped over the mounds of pillows and blankets that, well, I've just been dumped. More or less, that is. Can you be dumped for something that hasn't even started yet? It's like that whole Alex we-were-we-weren't thing. So now, I offically declare my position as dumped.

So now we're -GOOD- friends.

Heyo, I'm single now, anyone up for speed dating?

So anyhow.

Slept till 12 noon and watched a bit of TV and felt hazy and resigned. leXis is shopping. Got a deluge of phonecalls this afternoon, which was -highly- annoying. It makes me want to disconnect the phone and pull the damn plug. >.< Dad said he would be coming at 3pm and I was like, "whatever whatever". He's turning classical and trying to slow his (godforsakened) life down. (hahahahaha) And I'm recurited as a partner-in-crime. Whatever. *stirs her mental martini* It raining cats and dogs so he decided to wait. Whatever.

Headed to HMV, drooled over the Last Live DVD ($158.60!!!!!), checked out for the Longing~single and they didn't have. So I left my contacts. I'm happy with a delayed Xmas gift as long as it has an X in it. ^__________________________^ Anyways. Languidly walked over to help my dad pick out classical music and realized with amusement that he actually has very plebian tastes. Standard, mainstream stuff. Vivaldi, Mozart, Sara Brightman and Andrea Boticelli.

He doesn't know anything about Tartini, Saint-Jean, Strass, Stravinsky or even the term mezzo-soprano.

I am even more amused when he tells me he's "cultured".

Righty ho.

Had dinner at Marche's. Ignored company and mentally wrote out a letter to the HOD of English to make her coach me for O levels then I'll get my A1. I think it'll work, and I already told my mom that if she got a call from school to double check, she MUST say yes. Yep, then I'll get my A1.

So it'll be Math next. I'll have to get it to a decent grade. A2/B3. Problem is, I'm pretty terrible at wrestling with numbers. History I'm pretty okay as long as I revise and Social Studies is a breeze. So then I'll get my aimed-for 10 points.

In return, a watch, a diamond bracelet, pink hair and a cruise/trip to Japan. How wonderfully kind of my relatives. *notes the sarcasm* And they also agreed that if I went into Cambridge or Oxford, I'll get a million.

Being an irritating prick as usual, I refuse the million and go to UCLA.

My life is filled with fantastic opportunities in which I don't need to work for but I turn down for the sole reason of ethics.

It's the PRINCIPAL of the matter.

Went to buy chocolates again and bought dragrees. It's a type of french chocolate which is rasin/almond/filling dipped in praline and chocolate, then covered with a candy shell. ^^ I like~

I still feel worthless. *sighs*

I actually know the importance of Yoshiki. He gives me a goal, something to work for, something to dream for. Something constant, that would never betray my trust, that would remain like a candle burning in the night. It helps me focus so I don't care about my dad or my mom or my sis or that if I'm good enough or that people would judge me. He gives me a dream that would never fade because I wouldn't want it to. It might be impossible, it might never occur, but it gives me something to hold on to.

It's not an infatuation, not an obession, it's a dream.

I've lost so much in my life, changed so much and felt betrayed by those who swore their eternal loyalty. Yoshiki is a promise. Since it's a dream, it cannot break my trust. Since I'm more in love with the dream than the man itself, I won't get hurt. Since it can never leave me I'll never feel alone.

Even if my dad disowns me I'll still have my love - no, my dream.

And it is this dream that keeps me fighting on. No matter what, no matter the cost.

And people think it's puppy love *smiles*

Do you understand?

I need Yoshiki as much as I need to breathe if not I'll just spiral down to depression and drugs and sex. I'm perfectly aware at how percarious my position is, I'm perfectly aware that even the smallest things can send me tottering to the edge. Do you think I don't know? I intentionally come close when I feel like it. Selfish huh? That's why I have Yoshiki-dream. I cling to it for sanity, I cling to it so that I can hope, I cling to it that there is actually unconditional love in the world, where fairytales end happily.

Like a sugared bon bon.

I never wanted to ruin my life, so I suppose, better obession than a corpse. Do you finally understand why I love Yoshiki so much?

He's my hope.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:49 p.m.+

Karismasu

Listening to : (*sighs*) Forever Love- X Japan, Closing Time - Unknown, 10 Miles High - Nine Inch Nails

w00t.

*drumroll* THE LAYOUT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!

*gags at the amount of sugar*

It's amazingly sappy and sweet and honey-fied, mainly due to the use of chibis, Forever Love on loop and too much shounen ai fanfiction. Oh. Ice cream too ^_______________^

Felt dejected after being rejected so I called up anyone/everyone and it seemed like I haven't spoken to Auddy for a long time and I really wanted to talk to her so I decided to call her and go out!~! Retail theraphy! Helps your soul, lightens your wallet and helps the economy in times of crisis.

Wore my stupid hat which I nicked from leXis and met Auddy Orchard to just walk round aimlessly. Aimlessly is fun. Had 3! gelatos disculding the one I had yesterday ^^ 1 Rum Rasin, 1 Dark Chocolate, 1 Belgium Chocolate and yesterday, 1 Brownie Lava Chocolate. Walked somemore and bought 100g of chocolate coffee beans. I believe that the greatest cure for depression is shopping and insane amounts of chocolate. Tweet~!

Walked and talked and it was nice to be back with Auddy, it's nice having someone who understands your quirks and all. BECAUSE she also has them and makes you feel not so lonely cos there's someone else in the world who like the bubblegum icecream from Mac's, someone else who hates barbie dolls, someone else who loves drawing wacky hairstyles and crossdressers. ^______________^ Auddy is great hanging out company. For one thing, the whole leXis thing hardly came up. Auddy isn't a rant buddy, she isn't a whining partner, she's a LET'S GO OUT AND DO WEIRD STUFF AND HAVE FUN! person. So of course, hanging out with Auddy involves things like drooling over X Japan, drooling over Dir en Grey, eating lots of ice cream and cherry coke candy canes and weird memories of kindergardens.

I actually feel kinda happy and better now~

Talked to Gaurdian Angel-niichan, Natsuki-niichan and Alex about leXis. General consenus, I'm overreacting or I should clear up myself and her. Getting messy desu ne~~~~~~~

Watching sis play FFX-2 and I am severely digusted with the amount of GUUUURRRLLLL POWERRRR~!!! *dies* It's so powerpuffy, it isn't funny anymore. They come with Ameri~can~ accents and giggle like dolts. Like "O~kie do~kie". Rikku makes me feel like going to a washbasin to puke. It's even worse than FF8 which ALSO digusts me.

*turns fangirly* GO SEPHIROTH! GO VIVI!~ *hearts*

love,
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:33 p.m.+

Self Rant

Listening to: Tears, Unfinished, Forever Love and Longing - X Japan.

Met leXis at the airport after getting mom's present from Raffles. She looked totally fine except for the hair and hat. From a distance, I thought I was hallucinating, then I thought I was seeing Micheal Jackson. *blinks and rubs eyes*

Met her friends too, some with very unpronouncable names like Erhad? Erha? Ered? *dies* Was okay, glomped her and all.

Except she didn't glomp back.

Insecurity hits like a knife through the heart

Then I thought she was just tired and all, but later, she was talking animated to her friends. I felt so useless, worthless and not good enough..........Most of all, kinda lonely and left out. Her friends are not my friends. Nor do our friends mix nicely like a melting pot. It was -TERRIBLE- I'm not used to it, and I tried my best to act as genki as humanely possible without bursting into tears. I felt REJECTED. Yea, that's the word. And solitary.

I mean, I like her friends, but I wish she'll pay more attention to me.

Or maybe I expected too much or just overreacting.

Aren't I the supposed girlfriend after all?

I feel DUMPED

Walked all the way back, and tried to be as friendly as possible. Glomped leXis many many many times to give her chances and everything but she was like ice. Bam bam bam! Cold. It felt like she was just indulging me on whim like a parent who gives a child a lollipop. Feel so useless and horrible.

I know I'm prolly overreacting, but I absolutely can't help it.

I might act confident and everything, but I guess I'm just as insecure as anyone else.

I HAVE to call her or I'll beat myself like crazy over it.

*dies*
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:31 p.m.+