ok. i got my first bribe today.
dad bought me a hasselbald
notice the lack of exclaimation marks that usually follows whenever I write about photography?
:x
I just don't know what to say. On one level I love it and it's a wonderful camera, one another I know I don't deserve it - I haven't really gotten to that level yet where I need one, and I didn't buy it with my own money. It's not like johnboy - I paid for the repairs: a new shutter, a new lens. It's not like Heidi either, which is a geunine gift; someone who was sincerely and honestly interested in me; as a person, to improve.
So when he plonks down $2000 bucks to buy it - I just don't know. I don't know what to think; I feel bribed. It doesn't even have a name yet, I'm just called it It or Thing atm because I feel too weird about it. I don't feel like it's mine yet. I don't feel like it belongs to me at all.
I feel like I shouldn't have brought him to Camera Exchange, I wish I didn't let him taint my hobby with that smell of money. In truth I don't need it. I might want one the way kids want a PS3 or Xbox or New!Shiny!Toy - but I don't need one. What do I actually need? I need a negative scanner. I need new lenses. I need a tripod.
But you see, he will never buy something like that for me. It's not bribery enough. Flashing 2000bucks isn't just about bribing, it's also about SHOWING me the power of his money. It's about showing me how working for him will give me that ability to buy whatever I want (but not nessescarily need). It makes me feel awkward, because the gift doesn't become genunine at all. It makes me feel really uncomfortable, because I don't believe in his philosophy either.
Because, you know what he was talking about today?
Underneath all that racist remarks and general snidness
the implication was:
you cannot survive without my help
I refuse to accept that
I don't want it.
I don't know how to say no now
I feel like returning the camera back, but I don't know how to.
I just feel really odd.
I don't want to use it; because it was given with that in mind. It doesn't feel like mine, the weight is uneasy in my hands. I wonder if this compromise would be the an indication of future compromises, and in essence - lose what I value most. Can something given with bad intentions, be used for good? Is it possible to transform a tainted incident into a positive one?
A part of me tells me that the incident becomes a characteristic, in which it becomes inbuilt - like some genetic code, into your entire realm of impressions and therefore unchangable.
I worry.
So far, I have retreated into a mask of blank neutrality. I know he thinks he is being generous, but I worry. His mindset (and that of the family) is that we are incapable of functioning without his money, and we cannot survive with jobs in normal society. (tbh, I'll say that it's the opposite: my family practically exists in their own tiny universe created by their wealth) He mentions my brother, about how he can't get a job in the bank without his help, and the whole concept of family connections. Even my sister's internship, dad was yakking on and on about how he can basically do anything blah blah
see, that's why i want go US so badly
he can't touch me there
he can't say: oh, it was because of ME i got u a job there
can you imagine? he even takes credit for me taking fine art , saying that if not for him, i wouldn't pick up painting.
i want to get away from all that.
away from their prying, relentless eyes
i want to disappear so much it is scary
to be a ghost.
i will finish australia.
then
watch me disappear
i won't let them hold me again. i have waited so many fucking years for this that sometimes i want to cry in despair. i can't fuck up my only chance in freedom. i can't. even just thinking about it; i can feel tears actually welling up because i want it so so so much. i would give up everything for it - my family, all my friends, my name - everything for it because no price is too high for freedom. i did everything. i went through JC, because i knew it would lead me faster to uni. i will not take up JET. i will never go and work in Japan (in that, i give up any chance of working or living with audy). i took up media/comn instead of art because it would increase my chances of finding an opening. i left my family behind. i know i will never go back home, i can't see my mother again unless she moves over. I failed an exam JUST TO be able to get here
i have waited 20 years for this
i just have 2 more.
once i complete my degree
i will start working in australia
i'll work for anything
just let me stay and never go back
there are times i wonder if maybe the price is too high; why fight what destiny gave you? but i've never fought for anything else in my life. i gave whatever else they wanted. do this. be that. say this. smile. play the roles. i give in pretty easily to whatever people want, but not this. never this. not love or fear can stop me. i will never compromise.
and i look at It-Thing
and now i'm thinking:
if i take it, am i being bought over now?
is this the first step
the first compromise?
if so, i don't want it.
2000 is too paltry for my soul
i don't know
we'll see
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:41 p.m.+
bliss is:
.......300 bucks' worth of sashimi in a night<3
god i'm so tired. i'm not really tired from walking, but it's the constant racist remarks, azn superiority complex etc etc that is slowly crumbling my wall of neutrality. i was nice. i was pleasant. i woke up at a godforsaken hour of 8am. i bought them sunday savers. i booked a japanese restaurent and did whatever they wanted - even if it meant strolling around collins' street looking at watches.
i did all the major touristy things, even taking the city circle lol. omgz that was so touristy. and taking photos of st. patricks lolz XD
tomorrow is going to be equally long, and hopefully all will go fine. i hate rainy weather btw. i also hate that cold, bone-digging drizzle that reminds me of skypiss.
i feel crumbly. crumbly like pastry, buttery and flakey and kinda-everywhere and not really there. just tired i guess.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:51 p.m.+
...............AND MY INTERNET IS DOWN AGAIN WTF
optus you fucking asshole!!111oneone *is pissed*
+tsu waited for you at 09:19 a.m.+
It's raining everyday now! How annoying~ I actually don't mind it except that it makes it cloudy and cold, and I don't like cloud OR cold :( I kinda miss blue sky, isn't that unreal?
I'm also hilariously wideawake after sleeping over 20 hours in a day o.O;;;
things to do
- send nefalia's package
- send jacelyn's package
- collect film
- got lonsdale
Monday
was absolutely nuts. unbelievably, crazily NUTS. It was so nutty I can't believe I lived it through, because the entire thing was so whacked. I actually finished my essay at 3pm (complete with biblio) and handed it in on time. I really really thought I was going to be late this time....but I wasn't! shocking~ anyway it's over and I went straight to sleep at 4pm right after that. god. i was so tired by that time that I couldn't even remember what day it was, much less anything else.
Tuesday
......and unsurprisingly, Jiawei handed in her paper late. Not hideously late, but still :x but then she's really good at all this academic shite, so I think she'll do fine. (not to mention earlier media analysis assignment she got a h1) Dinner at Akita which was AMAZING AND AWESOME AND FUCK I WILL GO THERE AND EAT TEMPURA AGAIN MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH we were such pigs okay - shabushabu, sashimi set, tempura set and SO MANY TYPES OF SAUCE. wonderfulness~~<333 just thinking about it makes me hungry again
Wednesday
Picked up johnboy, walked around a bit for photos, met up with al and alicia, snacked so bloody much. snacked on macaroons and bits of pastry and lemon/mint granita and ended up with souvlaki for dinner. urgh. superpig! i really want duck rice now though
thursday
slept through most of it, and woke up only to clean my room
Now it's just errands-running, fixing the fucking internet on saturday, getting monies from dad (ARGH), dad coming on 22nd 8.55am (Sunday), writing up resume, july8th studio shooting
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:45 a.m.+
fucking essay was a hellhole, didn't sleep for a wink. 24 hours of voluntary imprisonment as i sat and wrote and wrote like an automaton. my ass was bonded to the chair, my eyes glued to the screen and the taptaptap of keys as my wrists bend and doubled.
fucking essay also completed on time, thus i got myself the meta kimono dress<3 yay i deserve it ok!
just tired - winter makes me exhausted, because your body is constantly burning energy to keep warm. you burn food though, not fat. so winter makes you cold, fat, tired and thus - miserable.
need food soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:59 p.m.+
I think of silent, silent times.
It's cold today - bitterly, miserably, painfully, cold. Cold that digs through your skin and into your bones with chilling precision; knife drops of drizzling rain. Sulky skies pouting indecisively with bursts of sunshine through heavy, swollen clouds.
It's days like this I just watch to sleep
and listen to the fall of rain
i woke up dreaming - i dreamt of an old baby; puppets in a wooden box with its woolly cries and sawdust hands reaching out to me as it cried and wailed and reached out to me as it aged faster and faster with bulldog chins and double winkles and then i carried it out and it was so heavy i sank into a paper house. dollhouse.
still listening to androids baking cakes, it's so cute. Sad but cute, lol. tired and sick of my essay. urgh. bastard child hurry up :(
urgh writing on msn wtf
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:05 a.m.+
French was bad D: with luck I'll pass, with even more luck I'll actually get H3 (however unlikely it is). Decided on my subjects next semester: Asia Pac PR, Marketing Comn, Creative Writing and Light Moves (3rd year photography). Apparently Writing Journalism is only offered in 1st semester, so I'll just do Creative writing instead. nice huh? I guess it's a sign I should stock up on booze and music
It's finally the last bit to the end of semester - tomorrow I need to get down to Ballieau, finish any last readings and start structuring my arguement *woe* I need to find Cherie as well and ask about the lab hours during June/July~ then hop to the post office and drop off the package. I'm reeeeeeeeeeeally hoping this will end soon. ENDDDDDDD oh god, once it's over I'm going to sleep a week, clean up my room and send all the notes/books back and collect Johnboy from Lonsdale. I need to email dad too, for july - dec fees
But at least okay, 3 subjects down :x THREE DOWN AND ONE TO GO!!!! *waves madly* so today jiawei and I went to grab some dinner and walk a bit, after like so many days of being locked up in the house. urgh. it's so hellish to lock yourself in and force yourself to write.....most likely for M/C I'll end up writing it in the comp lab because it's just less distracting
Tomorrow's goal: 500 words
3 days: 1500 words
let's go!!
If I can space it all out evenly and do my best then hopefully everything will work out :x that said, today's dinner was really really good and melon stick icecream is awesome. must go back to akita one day damnit and oh - I have the business card for Yu-u, anyone interested to join?
kinda tired....I still feel like walking home though, even when it's cold. For some reason I just feel really stifled lately
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:09 p.m.+
quiet; quietly
Most of this weekend has been a sickening lurch of being drunk, trying to get drunk and fighting the urge to sleep when drunk. It's not for any social purpose though, getting drunk seems to be the easiest way of writing fiction - 3 days and I finished 1 dialouge, 2 fics (if you count my assignment as a 'fic'), 2 songs and 1 haiku. I don't even drink with company, just me, myself and my 16 year old self hidden underneath. I'm beginning to believe that I'm actually a veneer of 20 covering a secretive 16 year old that never grew up - why else do I revert backwards whenever I drink?
Anyway, all the zetsubou has been giving me nightmares and yeah. My sleeping hours have totally been fucked too - I finally finished the story at 7am in the morning, stumbled into the shower and fell dead to the world DX Frankly, I'm amazed I haven't drowned in the shower yet, considering I drank an entire mug full of cherry wine (30%) in an hour. I'm even more amazed that I can actually write coherently in that state. Talk about alcoholic enlightenment
The total doc. ended up being 7 pages long with 2 drafts and 1 page of listed references. The amount of translation I put into it should be damned worth it *grumbles* I can't believe I was writing THAT and an akame fic at the same time. (no, this is not a suggestion for you to get me drunk more often) Although now I'm really really tempted to write more akame fics. And do a toryanse one.
I can't get it out of my mind Dx
mostly tired and drained - I woke up shivering and cold, even under 2 layers of blankets. I think not-eating or sleeping well makes me more tired easily, and being cooped up in the house the entire day is driving me nuts. I went out on Monday though, to eat dumplings. It's the dumpling festival and I miss dumplings, especially the peranakan ones stuffed with pork, egg and pickled vegetables :( The dumplings here aren't too bad, but not awesome either. They make you fat and full and sleepy though, since it's stuffed with rice, peanuts and pork lard.
It's back to the crunch time, with french exam on Thursday. Afterwhich is media-comn essay :/ the research is all there and (mostly) read already, so it's just writing the bloody thing out. Painful, much? After this I swear to heaven that I am going to Laurents and buying a BIG BOX OF PISTACHIO MACARONS BECAUSE I TOTALLY DESERVE IT >D rawr I miss sugary pastries of the non-greek/italian kind.....there aren't enough french bakeries near my place!! (and burnetti's sucks btw)
dinner, then borders? I finally finished one assignment today, so maybe buying dinner once won't hurt. don't feel like washing up tonight after all
PS. i think part of my crankiness is not being able to wear lolita lately. GAHHHHHHHHH is that strange or what?!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:42 p.m.+
HOLY FUCK has anyone else seen the LMS posting of the Marketing Commuications subject? It sounds awesome and everything but putting LECTURE SLIDES FOR A SEMESTER 2 SUBJECT IS SCARY DX DX not to mention all the criteria....it reeks of the anxiety-panicky-naggyness that my mom has, and it's super scary omg what subject did I sign up for omg am so killed dead D: I'm honestly quite freaked out, since the lecture only starts in august 5th and she wants us to start preparing NOW?!?!?!?!? D:
I've kinda decided to go for the enriched media major (with placement) so it's complusory for me to do 2 media subs + 2 other next semester. I'm going to do Marketing Commuications, Writing Journalism, Light Moves (3rd year photog) and Creative Writing....not too sure about Writing Journalism....actually putting too many writing subjects together is a killer, so the best is to space it out evenly. If I'm not doing Creative Writing I need a simple, straightforward 1st year subject that I can do without slogging my brains over it and hopefully not too much reading either.
hmmmmmmm Writing Journalism will take up most of my (writing) energy, while doing creative writing AND photography together makes me get a mental block....I just end up doing shitt-ier for one than the other. on the other hand creative writing is a fairly painless subject and a decent filler. From the looks of marketing commuications, I suspect that will be my essay-heavy subject (and wtf, formation outline too?!?!?!?!!!!! SADISTS!)
Anyway I'm still in the library (wtf) and going through Foucauldian theory....I didn't realize so much had to do with the Panopticon Sort, and now I'm kicking myself earlier for not realizing it and not photocopying earlier....that said, I got the book and slowly digging my way through it. It's not as bad as some of the writers' yet (New Commuications Landscape anyone?) which is really weird, since most philosophical text tend to be flakier than shite. I'm not complaining though, easier to read = WIN
After I'm done with reading I still need to sort my arguement out.....there's several ways of doing this, but it doesn't seem very compact. One would be by placing definitions first, then showing the benefits/limitations of each characteristic....the bad part about it is that it doesn't show the arguement well. I'm guessing the 'impact' that they want is how much of new media has actually been not disappointing. then there's this thing that new media isn't just digitalization or convergence either, since it has more characteristics than that
it's just a lot of content to work with, and i'm running out of time. my face is a constant @_@ from reading a junkpile of highlighted notes.....the most surprising thing is how tiring it actually makes me feel, sometimes i think i'm going to have a migraine coming with so much reading
up next week is queen's birthday weekend, which is also deadline for creative writing (more like RE-writing tbh) and french exam. i've been so concerned with media i haven't really flipped my french textbook, so i really need to do it this weekend. it's just that i HAVE to finish digging through all this text ASAP and come up with a fucking arguement instead of waffling around. WAFFLING D:
okay. 12 days more to go.
i can't decide if i want it to be over
or i'm just too scared shitless to let it be over
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:35 p.m.+
for some reason i have words in my head again, but this time i'm not sure where they come from or why they have a tune. maybe some kind of music i heard? used to be a singer//used to be a star//there i sat, lonely//waiting by the bar//she'll walk down towards me//her hips slow and sultry//and whisper how she loved me//but once the song had ended//it was only a stage//and a memorary//
i'm going bonkers with media
it's not that it doesn't make any sense (although, to be absolutely honest i have to re-read it several times before getting it) it's more like, the language is so dense it hurts my head. like.....centralization of coperate interests leads of a unilateral convergence of both vertical and horiziontal intergration which entails a mega-commuications network of image flows. IN ENGLISH: big companies take over small ones, so they control what kind of image the network has. END. I thought i was going nuts reading all that shit, since for some reasons academics use long pointless sentances ALL THE TIME
I'm slowly getting it though:
convergence is basically combining several technology, types or companies together. so when there's a "digitalization of convergence" it means something like newsprint has turned into a newsblog as well.
flows refers to the rate or speed of commuication. So when someone says Space of Flows, it's basically a channel or pipeline.
space in media context, it about how identities are formed, debated and whether everyone has a 'space' to voice their opinion. a big public space is known as a public sphere
panopticon refers to the idea of 'perfect prision' where it is 'pan-optical' and all the prisioners are facing this single all seeing eye. in new media, it's used to refer internet surviellence tactics. first used by Brahams, then co-opted by Focoult
public sphere refers to habermas' theory of a perfect, democratic utopian media. used generally to refer to 'hard news' and a yardstick against real world media spheres
binary opposite (and like) refers to The OTHER theory by van dyk, which says that media artifically creates a sense of Us Vs. Them
hmmm did I miss out anyone? I'm still thinking of the question:
‘The prophets of new media forecast widespread democratisation of the world’s media systems. Thus far, the impact of digitalisation and convergence on the public sphere has been disappointing.’ Drawing on some of the key theoretical perspectives presented to you in this subject, give your own verdict on the impact of new media, as well as comparing and contrasting it with ‘old media.’
to break it down:
-define public sphere
-define new media
-define world media systems; LINK TO GLOBALIZATIION/global public sphere....could also mean global network flows
-define what new media is prophetized aka. GOOD THINGS
-define democratization
- characteristics of new media VS old media
-limitations of new media AKA. DISAPPOINTING
- advantages of new media
- impact of new media
- final stand + conclusion
Actually once I break it down like that I know how to write my essay better. I have 1500 words + 10% word count leniency.....the first paragraph MUST have definitions, especially of public sphere. The second is more on the characteristics, advantages/limitations of new media ie. why it has been disappointing, what are the possibilities for it. then the 3rd paragraph would be the final stand.....I think when they say 'theoratical perspectives' it HAS TO BE the e-panopticons VS e-democratics.....but what to say as my stand?
1.New media as merely a tool, which depends on how people wield it.
2. Government's responsibility towards the media
3. Citizen's responsibility towards themselves, and educating themselves about the new media
4. New media as a yet-unknown quantity
5. still developing therefore unable to pass absolute judgment
7. New media and old media working in tandem
8. therefore conclude that is impactful, but how much of the impact depends on how it is wield
too wishy washy? might edit it later...
Anyway I'm not done with readings, I have 3 down, 10 to go D: plus I need that text on foucoult wtf
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:35 p.m.+
I'm in the library now, with a borrowed laptop. It's interesting how I can never seem to study at home and feel restless if I sit too long in one place - 'home' it seems, needs to be seperate from 'work' so being in balieau library is raher unsurprising. Actually I managed to finish a couple of readings today, even though I was dead sleepy.....only academics can make discussing about MMORPGS boring!
feeling rather quiet lately, but not unnaturally so. like the stillness that waits in anticipation, the movement of currents under a silent lake. now that i'm free of photography i don't feel the constant urge to be creative or what and it's nice to just sit down and absorb everything and drink chai at castro's and feel like a university student. that's interesting isn't it? the sensation of being a university student. sometimes it comes in flashes, the contentment of grousing over indeterminable definitions and arguing about globalization in that kind of carefree way that ah, it feels like a renoir painting
so anyway, i'm rather comfortably dressed in woolly socks and shirt and loose pants, and sitting alone in the balieau with a hugeass stack of photocopied notes (10 bucks worth D:) and i'm weirdly contented like that. maybe contentment is kinda like fufilling a sterotype......or such. mostly i think it's partily due to amazing time management this semester, which i'm not caught in a glut of essaywork like everyone else is. i have creative writing and media, but thankfully there's a 4 day break inbetween and tbh i have a general idea what to write and what to change in it.
after this i'll probably takeaway some dinner, then go back to the balieau. i think maybe i just can't study at home, not even back in sg......my attention span is too short, being at home is too comfortable/distracting and the truth is i really work much better alone (which is why i'm in the basement and jiawei is on level 3) is that a bad thing? i guess different people just look for different styles
but i'm feeling better now, kind of. i feel better mainly because work gives me something to focus, so i don't need to think about my family or whatever too much. it helps that i managed to get a stock supply of ibrofupen for migraines, which has been plaguing me for the past week. mostly i don't feel too bad about being alone and not talking to people and less like its eating up inside
it helps that i don't have to go for tutorials anymore too.
wonder what i should have for dinner tonight....does anyone else feel like eating fish?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:28 a.m.+
this is a no-reply entry.
dream: a place with empty walls and we have nothing and everything and large windows and white kinari walls and parquet floors and i can walk in sweatpants and shirt without feeling like i need to dress up. pasting photos of each other on walls with words scribbled over it, poloroids scattered on the floor and then i'm sticking photos you'll come up behind and hug me and tell me everything will be okay. serre moi encore serre-moi jusqu'à étouffer de toi
i don't want to be alone anymore.
sometimes i crave people; i crave them like i need light and air, like my very life depends on it. i want them but i don't want them. i want to love them, i want them to love me - me, as a person as a lover as a special someone. someone to hold me when i don't like facing the universe, and tell me it doesn't matter when i feel ugly and let me curl up on their shoulder to sleep
i want them i love them i crave them
but i don't trust anyone
i just feel so ugly and heartsick sometimes
i don't like the me of today
i don't like the me of yesterday either
i don't know about the me of tomorrow
bitter
i feel really bitter about it sometimes
*rolls*
-------------------------
people like that; doing this
things like that, sometimes i wonder
like that, i think of what it would be
in abstract - bits of clouds, a tearing paper, sheets
torrents descending down
like that; i think of it like that
a space that lives in LCA colour
a polarized sky, a solarized white
kalaidescopes i call collect recollect
the weather i check everyday
rain fog sunny cloudy clear; hazardeously
walking uphill
music plugs on, drilling messages
unspeakably
hands dancing over notepads, flicking a tap
clickity clack of my ballpoint; twirls
like that
like that; i know i have i will it to be
but i wonder too; like that
such is everyday life
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:22 a.m.+
And I wrote down yesterday, during class how idly idly I was thinking about how nice it was in clarke quay, so warm with the air like a fuzzy blanket and we watched the water reflect black and the dipping and diving of fairy-planes and our knees were touching and it felt like yesterday - it felt like tomorrow I could see you too with a hi
Winter makes me soggy and mushy like custard cream pies D:
It's like my soggy mushyness can only be enlivened by BIFTECK!
Tuesday was full of rushyness with everyone on hyperkomatic in the photography lab, managed to get some of my +3 ilford scanned though :D it turned out alright! Especially the mannequins. I really liked the rain photos too, quite cool. Will upload the rest on Friday/Saturday, depending how fast I can scan and resize them
French test was okay, mostly because the entire thing was about FOOD! hahahaha I can understand food-terms alright, even if everything else sucks balls XDDDDD particularly when it came to desserts....tarte sucre, gateaux au chocolate, tart de la apricot....xDDDDDDDD PASTRY WINS. 'nuff said
then I realized I left my wallet at home D:
thankfully jiawei became my sugar mommy today lolz
got the film from vanbar's, jiawei did her crossprocessing and it's like RED AND MAGENTA TONES lolz I think she forgot that whatever is read on the neg-c41 is opposite from whatever it scans to. then lunch at dondon's, walked down to dean's art to get mounting shit and then FINALLY got my housekeys back D: my housemate is a fucking lazy ass.
bought jiawei dinner at the new thai place, then wandered around a bit. Apparently I lower the level of discourse because I talk trash so much...like ooo tabloid!! :D
*shinysmile*
just kinda sailing-ish, kinda glad photography is ending but not too *woe* no more excuse to hang around in the lab anymore...
gotta figure something out
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:10 a.m.+
I am disgustingly in love with slide film *swoon* I want to sleep with my camera under my pillow and hug all my film to sleep and sniff developer in my coffee mornings. Is that terrible? I'm so nerdy I laugh at E6/C41 jokes and make lame sexual inneudenos about gear whores, guys and overcompensation LOL so hiao!!!!
Argh feel like converting to pearl satin finish. RAWR. howwww??? Must bring negatives tomorrow!! but matte is more professional looking arghhhh maybe it's just me....stop being so nitpicky!
I realize I am horribly perfectionistic when it comes to colour casts and printing. As in crazily anal-retentive. Today I came to do printing then I realized my test-strip had a magenta cast even though the embedded profile was greyscale D: So I set it back to RGB and corrected the magenta cast by adding green and presto! black and white
THEN. my tutor came by and asked:
did you view it under daylight?
D: NO. D:
Apparently I calibrated the paper FOR the incandescent LAB LIGHTING wtf because in daylight it was perfectly ok, no magenta cast. the cast came from the LAB LIGHTING and i accidentally corrected the colours to match the lab lighting D: D: D:
so jinius right? D:
ran for french, then to vanbar's to dump film and lazzat for dinner + kokoblack for dessert. urgh, I feel sick after so much chocolate. I probably shouldn't be eating so much chocolate since just yesterday I had a killer migraine and a fever which is baaaaaaaad even in general standards. Urgh. Winter is probably making me sick, along with reading incomprehensible texts by Allan Bell on New Media and Commuication.
tmr appt. at 11, class at 2 and lab printing 4. bring illford paper, negs and scanner sets. bring ipod to jack. print drafts x 16. hmmm I hope I didn't forget anything
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:17 a.m.+
I have a headache and like 2 ibroprofen packs. We're gonna make this a quick rundown of the last few days because my eyes are going to zigzag on me and I still need a bath and tomorrow I need to wake up at 8am.
Friday
- scanscanscan
- sent film for processing but forgot to add 3-stop
- shit must call vanbar's on monday 9am SHARP before it gets processed
- did not eat or shit or drink water
- jiawei shockuu at my bad habits
- Bond Imaging offer :D!!!!!
- stayed in the lab till close
- LCA roll only 4 developed from jiawei
- quick dinner at japanese restaurent, meshiya
- walked back to flinders place
- snapsnapsnap
- talked to more random bookstore guy
- collins place
- new kalaideoscope
- pushka weird place
- thought i ran into a drug gang
- very nice portesgese eggtarts
- went home before the drunks came, not cool
saturday
- woke up dead but enough to check out the fog
- not foggy enough, went back to sleep
- dinner with caryn
- talktalktalk
- talktalktalk
- went home to call mom/sis
- talktalktalk
- talktalktalk
- feeling very whiny and tired
sunday
- everyone late
- es teler 77
- pakenham train to richmond
- accidentally went to south yarra
- went back
- walkwalkwalk
- casual strollage
- factoryish buildings
- meet kid1 called chris, so cute
- wandered abit around the tracks area
- meet kid2 called jed, sister jada, dad john
- lol
- wandered up to the chruch
- very pretty
- bought/lit a candle or two
- me likessssss<3
- very cool place
- dinner at greek place
- al kinda grossed out LOLZ
- headache
- feeling kinda sick from lack of sleep/properfood
- kinda pukish
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:00 p.m.+
ran into Emma today, was late for M/C but so worth it. Got a deal for stuff; maybe build more connections etc etc. M/C was boring as usual, I got a H2B for my essay :D yay! improvement! lunch at castro's then went off to vanbar's to process jiawei's E6s. Since the light was so nice, went walking around and ended up at Camera Exchange at Lonsdale and ZOMG D:
........I bought a NIKKOR MACRO!!!!!!<33333333
It's so gorgeous, goes up to 100mm and has fantastic focussing<3 So smooth and beautiful and.........costs 550 aud Dx The guy let me pay by installments though, so I'm downpaying 180 now, next month pay another 180 and so on. AH. SO FABULOUS. TOO FABULOUS<3
I really can't afford to turn into a gear-whore though :x so baaaaaaaad. it's like selling my soul!!111oneone. probably the only reason I'll ever turn bankrupt :(
By the time we came out it was fairly dark - wandered around and ended up at Philip Arcade. Ran into some weird people on the lift, who invited us to a gallery opening called Blindfeet? something like that. The Tremour exhibit was pretty cool, if only because you could throw stones into the water :D splashing is so fun! the place was rather creepy and old, with those lattice type grills and SUPERCREAKY lifts. walked a bit, ran into some writers' festival thinger and talked to a woman at reception called Annie who's writing her own book on twins
cold. walked up to Laguna to check out weird stuff and read out weird engrish labels and buy snacksss :D got some nice thai fishcake for fryup and grease food<33333 ahh I'm so unhealthy sometimes ^^;;; then bullied jiawei into buying coconut cake for me LOL
feeling rather tired now, but ok ok. tmr have to bring hdd, send illford for processing, finish retouching and deal with jiawei's panicking. oh. vanilla chai latte plzkthxbai
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:43 p.m.+
Listening to: DDR Weiss Kreuz
I've finally found someone whose bad taste in music is as cool as mine - NATZ! I'm currently obsessing with DDR remixes of all the oldskool anime stuff like Tamashii no Rufuran and Just Commuication and and and.........VELVET UNDERGROUND?! It's like deepfried pickled eggs, so gross but so wonderful<3
links here
disc 1
disc 2
disc 3
disc 4
disc 5
French test sucked shit, then the afterwards was equally shit. I was basically crying/trying not to cry at the SCA stairwall, so frightening.......I don't even know what came over me. Usually I'm pretty easygoing type, but....it wasn't so much crying that scared me, but the ferocity of it surprised me. Shocking. By the time I was done talking, I missed most of the class :( kinda sad, since I do enjoy French class. My tutor is awesome, the tute is pretty cool and we're forever gossiping about random shit. Like woohoo! John gave me the coordinates for the circular flooded carpark at Tooranga Rd. AWESOME.
Went to the doctor's to pick up my M/C which took approx. 2 hrs of waiting time. I do NOT want to be fatally ill in this country D: The wait will literally kill you. Not too bad, I didn't really give an excuse. Just said something like orygen referred me to here, could you give me MC plzkthx?? Then asked me if I wanted some pills, which I said nope because really............Jiawei might've been joking about me being a drug addict, but if I had pills there's really no telling what i might do :/
snapped a couple of photos (already titled in my head: les etudiants) with johnboy, then headed to Castro where the FIRST awesome thing happened today, I got a FREE CHAI LATTE. zomg. so much happiness. why does chai latte make me so happy? Why does Castro's make me so happy? So strange. I'll even eat stuff I usually hate there - tomatoes, capsicum, eggplant, carrot, pumpkin and I'll BUY it hahahaha I think Castro's is like my solace-place now, somewhere to go when I'm tired and need a friend. The place is a friend.
Feeling trapped. I feel like going back to SG in June. What do you think?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:52 p.m.+
my magic mushrooms
ah. i can't seem to organize my thoughts anymore
i got back my contact sheets today, beautiful. it reflected. i wanted to cry. so deliriously happy, that it went well like shinyness and magic mushrooms that it was okay, it went well and it was worth it. just for that last photo, it was worth it.
pour soi en soi
see? it took me hours to break her down, piece by piece and peeling each layer - i did it. i peeled her away, until i had that look, that face and that was enough for me because she didn't flinch, i didn't flinch. i took it with my heart, the respect accorded because it was so honest. that's what i wanted y'know? honest. i wanted honesty. someone to be absolutely honest with their face and tell me: okay i am human i am here and this is my face and that's what we were for that moment - it was all her.
and maybe that's what i love really; i want to listen to you. i want to peel you away. i want to take off each layer. i want to know you, with my eyes and my mind and do my best to represent your honesty with my lens. if i can take that - it doesn't matter what grades i get or what others think, i know i have done my best and..and and and
thank you
for being you
i find it so hard to explain things, like this. it's not just her i peel away, but with her, is me too. shambles. it lays in shamles, i lay in shambles. tu now.
ah. something like that.
vaguely, i wait for a foggy day. today it rained, so maybe it'll fog tomorrow. i walked out of the cinema, dreamily going home. i watch the lights reflected on the rain slicked floor and wonder why it always feels like that after a movie. that sensation of being freshly alive - as though you were just birthed. your thoughts move like stillwater, and words seem pointless, too heavy in delicate silences. silences filled with mental music and images, and you walk, steadily. walking is all you can do now. your mind is already flying
french class was okay; wednesday is another examens. je besoin de etudie ajourd'hui....maybe at castro's? j'aime le castro's. i went there afterwards, full of excitement and joie to recounter with jiawei. nous somme regarder les film du photographie, even without a lightbox. told her what we covered today; the usual questionnaire and conjunctions for -ir, -is et -re de exceptionne pendre (to take) which has the same conjunction as comprendre.
not too bad, but i'll probably try to finish my devoir tomorrow......wednesday is the examens, so je besoin de prepare
lent her the futurism and photography book, then went to the computer lab till the movie started. i don't know why i chose to see The Counterfeiters instead of Moilere, but I like Sorowitch. Est-il tres moderne? Mais, j'aime Koyla aussi. I felt terrible actually, but terrible is okay. so shocking. visual-kei shocking. maybe even more shocking because of the stillness and the outsideness that peeks in, sometimes. the ending was breaking. I couldn't decide what. Good. Evil. Survival. I think of those endless nights in china, and endlessly i think - no answers come from the void. only null.o.o.o.o.o.o.set
i think i need a change
new layout n'est-ce pas?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:55 p.m.+
Thin; worn out like paper edges and butter. Thinking in sepia and snowfalls that fall in sheets like a christmas postcard. The moment held like a movie reel, when my head touched your shoulder and breathed in - the scent of I want this to last forever. A glimspe and it fades away
I'm too restless to sleep now, but too tired to do much. I want to sit in a corner and watch people but I'm equally lazy to layer-up and go out. Weather makes me miserable and trapped
maybe I'll go benett's bar later. Feeling stuffy :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:20 p.m.+
perfume on the fingertips
trace scented lines; on thin
air
it seems; it seems
that I can't shake those memories
I smell honey and clove and cinnimony ginger and I know it's me - it's me who made that hydromel myself of tea and other sweet things and now I'm back and mulling and god - what a long weekend. has it started? why does everything long is short and too long at the same time?
My fingernails are still dyed blue. Blue from the food colouring I poured into the bath until it looks like a crime scene of colour with a soggy corspe of a towel sunken in with green gaffer tape hanging sadly off the edges. The end
Actually the shoot was more unexpected. Unexpected because it was like sex without sex. It's like me trailing fingers in her bathwater and watching passively as I zoomed on the water beading her face and naked shoulders and I talked about me and she talked about herself and it still holds me in shock - even now that last frame I took with her face intense and oh my god.......was it honest? It felt so real.
IDK. see how when the photos turn out
okay lolita meet wasn't too bad, but I had a sore throat from all that junk food. Then I felt really tired and stuff but it was kinda fun and a good thing I belive. Maybe a different escape. Jiawei and Al came too, and when Jiawei came...what else did we talk about? cameras. LOL. and photography. and cameras. and no money. and film VS digital. then more lolitas, and etc etc
the rest was pretty much a blur to me.
to tired to think too much
saturday rose up raining and cold
dragged my ass back home and then dumped everything
and went back to sleep
urgh too tired
woke up to go vanbar's and wash the kitchen
bought a whole bunch of expired E6 35mm 100ISO
really good deal, so cheap at 2.20/roll
quite tempted to get a macro lens for 220
think first
met up with jiawei at burnetti's to pass her, her shoes. she left them in the hotel, and so i have to clean stuff up LOL then fiddled with my b/w and took a couple of typical cafe-grainy shots for kicks then sat around drinking coffee and complaining about the miserable weather. then borders for Flaire/Vogue/Numero/W/Eyemazing and dinner at trevi's. wah. talk so much. ate so much too. talk and eat, so university.
talk about nulls and voids and zeros and infinites
hahahaha she is mindboggled
kurtz is an ungraspable concept
ahhhh a bit tired
long day. long yesterday
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:55 a.m.+
it is friday and 1pm and i am nervous to hell
i don't know anything, i don't know if i can do it
all i feel is frightened and nervous and OMG my greatest fear is:
what if the water doesn't reflect?
+tsu waited for you at 01:10 p.m.+
I'm reeeeeeeeally tired
my feet hurt, my brain hurts and I just want to sleep the next week away
was late for class, slacked around the botany garden and decided to skip, walked around with johnboy for a bit and just....just really tired :/ taught jiawei how to use an slr which i find easy and she finds hard. basically if you rely too much on measuring then you'll find it hard, but i don't anymore, since i measure to eye anyway.
watched shortbus (2006) which was pretty amusing and fussfree despite the explicitness of sex scenes. my favourite bit is when jamie looks up and see james by the window surrounded by a halo of light, reflected from the candles. totally AWWW moment. um. and ceth is pretty hot LOL
ying thai/lazzat for dinner, then went to safeway to pick up some blue food colouring and stuff. I'm just tired. i really want to sleep. i don't know what to do about tomorrow. i want a hug and a nap and 10hrs of sleep. something like that. to be honest i'm second-thoughting lolitas because i would be so dead from tomorrow that i'll be helplessly unentertaining
*curls up*
something like that. i want to go home suddenly and hug mom and sis and play 1000000x of katamari :/ why am i 20 again?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+
hahahaha I'm listening to Akatsuki by Massu which is weird and sudden and probably has something to do with HELGA'S adverts
Am out of raisin bread too :((((( I love raisin bread. I used to eat lots of it in SG, and now I'm in Aust I basically live off raisin bread. Raisin bread with broccoli soup. Raisin bread with salami. Raisin bread with eel omelette~~~mmmm<333333 Anyway since I'm out of raisin bread am currently scrouging through my heap of mandarin oranges. MANDARIN ORANGES<3
jiawei has a funny expression when you talk about citrus to her. she wrinkles her nose as though someone farted on her face. LOL
french oral today and it was okay. comme ci comme ca..then we had the unprepared conversation part and she was like: qu'est-ce que collocation le personnelite or in english: what are your flatmates like? And then I said: elles somme tres stupide, idiotique et antisympathique. j'habite c'est bizarre! which basically means my flatmates are STUPID, IDIOTIC and UNPLEASANT. (my home is bizarre). WELL. at least she laughed LOL
Went for lunch at Castro's...yay they had pumpkin soup today! but I forgot to bring my handphone so I couldn't take pics D: anyway it was awesome as usual and I got my chai and there was this really gorgeous looking guy sitting in the opposite table and I was itching to draw/photograph him. ITCHING. he looks like a real live Tamaki complete with blond, soft curled hair and bright bluish-to-purple eyes and from afar he looked like a freakin' girl D: damnit. Anyway I heard him speak french later and i was dressed really slackerzy so I didn't want to randomly ask
Dumped jiawei at castro's because she was in a sian mood and I wanted to run my errands. Walked to vanbaar's and got my E6 which is SO. MUCH. LOVE. then picked up my windows print skirt from the post office and went home to make unagi rice and update poupee and generally clean up my refugee encampment room
tomorrow going to catch a movie from uni (Subway, 2006) then maybe do some grocery shopping and pack for friday. gah. meetups. gah :x and BUY FOOD COLOURING!! v. important
i admit to be nervous
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:17 a.m.+
fucking french test is fucking killing me. c'est merde. comment dit-on 'I am going to die' on francias? Je suis stupide, idiotique et antisympathique. Ca va mal.... aujourd'hui francias oral examens, je ne parle pas francias. Je DETESTE! le francias. Nous sommes (jiawei et moi) quatre heures a la B-U. B-U avoir B.O :(((((((
toujours je stupide, ne parler pas francias....c'est difficile. comment prounciation on francias? c'est terrible! je suis n'amie pronouncee francias! mais preferer le angalais, tres superb
baiser merde Dx
je vais de morte
mais, aujourd'hui moi seraphim robe achete<3 j'adore!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:20 a.m.+
drained. recap timez'
sunday
........and jiawei was late, again. LOL. I was actually 30mins late, but she was 1hr30mins late so I went to get breakfast first, which turned out to be an intelligent idea (more on it later). Caught the train to Lilydale, then changed to another at Ringwood and it was basically a butt-aching 2hr ride most of which was flat grass, cows and suburban houses *yawn* we slept through most of it then finally dropped off the Belgrave.
That place is fucking steep
The first road was an almost 90' degree incline, and I had to scramble up to get up the road. ROAD. As in covered in tar and bismuth. You don't need rollarcoasters in a place like this. Cars were going down that kind of incline every few seconds, complete with an AIR lift and the kind of bounce my mom would freak at. Note that we weren't even at the mountain yet, we were just climbing the road to the mountain D:
Luckily I wasn't wearing much gear, both cameras, spare film, water, jacket and a scarf. I had the foresight to tie my hair back that day too, because it was really icky and shit later. Finally we found the Coles' Ridge Trail at the edge of the mountain, and walked in.
Now, we had come here to take pictures of autumn foilage and Jiawei Oh Brilliant One didn't check what kind of forest Mt. Dandenongs' was. It was EVERGREEN. As in covered with mountain ash and gum trees. LOL LOL LOL. 2hrs' on a train and EVERYTHING was green. She wanted to freak out and walk back down, but I was like hey maybe if we go up higher we can see more decideious trees 'cause they tend to grow on higher ground. It wasn't a wasted walk though, I saw kokabarras and smelt mountain ash and gum - the most wonderful fragrance in the world.
Mountain ash smells like woodsmoke; not like earthy-soil smell but a clean sharp wooden smell. Like if you cracked a block of wood and left it out in the sunlight to dry. Glorious. Imagine an entire forest of it. It smells soooooo wonderful. I wish sometimes pictures could take scent sometimes, because it's so unbelievably wonderful. If I thought mountain ash was awesome, I walked into a grove of gum trees (the kind you make gum arabic from) AND IT'S EVEN BETTER. It's undescribly good. Spicy and warm with a slight hint of methondol, with that sharp resin-amberish smell. I could drown in it.
It wasn't really pretty though - I managed to get a couple of good shots and Jiawei was rubbing herself all over with FERNS FERNS FERNS (she has a fern fetish) but I was kinda 'meh' and just took a couple. I figured once we hit the second tier of forest we'll hit lucky, since temperate forests are usually higher.
And HAH I WAS RIGHT. Once we hit Grants' picnic ground I went to ask for directions and the guy recommended a bunch of gardens nearby. It was nearly lunch, but we decided to skip it and get food in the next picnic ground instead.........or at least, that was the plan until I saw an interesting road at the side called Old Shembrook Lane and walked in.
It's not really a road, but a kind of path covered in soggy leaves and mulch that winds behind the back of houses. It's so soggy that I doubt you could get a bike across it, so it's a walking trek - maybe the kind that locals use? Who knows? It was really gorgeous though. We ran into this private garden and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. Unbelievably beautiful. Like, the kind of 'I-can-die-now' type of beauty. When you first lay eyes on an entire expanse of pure yellow and red leaves on carpet grass still wet with dew and it's so bloody bright and brilliant that it hurts your eyes to look at such beauty. It's not even postcard perfect, it's just heavenly<3 I still can't believe how beautiful that place was
Anyway the owner must have heard us, and he walked out so I said hi and Jiawei was like wtf 'cause he didn't mind talking to me. (the last time we trespassed jiawei got rudely shoved out. LOLZ. +1 to tsu-power!) Anyway this garden is apparently really old, because he bought the place 20 years ago and the trees were already planted in.
Finally hit the first garden, and then clicked and clicked and more prettyfullness. Actually the entire place is like a freakin' postcard, every single item could be a frame. But since I'm using film, have to practice a bit more restraint besides clicking every 5 seconds LOL
I think by 2pm we were really hungry, and found this tearoom in the middle of nowhere called Stones(?). But since we were on a really tight schedule, it was totally shikata nai so I asked for takeaway, which they didn't offer. I bought a scone and OMG THEY WERE SO NICE and mircowaved it for me and added jam and cream<3333 it's people like this that makes me really happy, just happy to be alive. It's things like this that reaffrims my belief that people CAN be awesome and all that :D
Second garden was on a freakin' slope. Going down wasn't too bad, but going UP was hell. I nearly twisted something climbing those bloody steps D: and it was almost sunset too, and it was a mad scramble up back to the road.
By the time we walked back out of Shembrook Lane (after I slipped on my butt) it was already quite dark. We managed to get to Grants' before sunset but we still had another 2.2km back down to the station and across the reserve in PITCH BLACK DARKNESS. idiot jiawei didn't bring her torchlight, and we lingered too long in the gardens. We couldn't even take the shortcut along Coles' Ridge like we did before, because it was too dark and we'll just die in the middle of the jungle. What to do? Walk on lor
Imagine a highway curving along the edge of a mountain. It's so dark you can barely make out what's infront of you, and there are cars rushing beside you - a handspan away, at 70 MILES PER HOUR. fucking scary shit. if you walked too near the cars, you'll die. if you walk too near the edge of the mountain, you'll fall off and roll down the ravine. Imagine all this, in pitch-black darkness. Are we stupid or what?
It was bad. Really bad. I was using my handphone as a torchlight, worrying about my own safety, worrying about Jiawei (she has car-phobia.) and then wondering if there was any trains left to go melbourne since it was so fucking dark. 2.2km in total darkness. omg man, total hell D:
when we finally reached the bottom it was 6.30. Then we caught a train back to Melbourne city, and finally reached central at 8pm where we ate a HUGEASS dinner since we were so hungry and dirty and tired. My feet hurt. My ass hurt. My stomach rumbled. I looked like a mess. Jiawei took pity and bought me dinner since it was basically SHE that got us stuck on that godforsaken mountain. anyway, 1 telur balado later I was pretty happy camper and went home...
...to finish my essay.
I don't care what I wrote, I'm pretty sure it sucks but I don't fucking care now. I was so dead tired I could barely think, and slept for 12hrs straight after that. URGH.
My muscles still hurt now :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:48 a.m.+
yesterday's photoshoot was really really hard. I never realized how difficult and exhausting photography can be....it's not even because of the models, but it was just so draining that my hands were shaking slightly as I signed the release form for processing.
just really exhausted I guess. I'm surprised how exhausting it is, since photography is pretty much 'click-button-frame'
I...I just don't really know anymore. I don't know what to think, what kind of future, where am I supposed to go. I think about how planning is such a waste of time really; because whatever's been planned never comes out the way you want to. Planning to get into design made me go into fine arts, planning to go to art school got me switched to finance, planning to go finance made me switch to media/comn and within media/comn, I'm now in photography. WTF sums it right.
I wish sometimes that I had some kind of life-handbook; a neat little guideline when it says : 'turn left' or 'turn right' or 'walk straight' and then I can pick up all the treasure chests and bonus points along the way. I want to do it right - I want to do life right. Not like crazy-monetary success; but important things like inner peace, happiness and fufillment. Does money matter? Yes. But it's not the most important thing.
ahhh it's just annoying. One level I can't wait for uni to be over, another level I just don't ever want to grow up. Sometimes I feel like I'm growing up and taking so much responsibility because people want me to and I hate disappointing people so much. Then another part of me just wants to be selfish and enjoy as much of my youth as possible and be reckless and irresponsible.
maybe it's just exhaustion talking. usually i'm more enthusiastic
I dunno..yesterday my tutor said something that made me really happy, that I was like a real photography student and actually learning a lot even if I didn't realize it now. I'm really grateful for it, even if I don't really know what I'm doing sometimes.......not say in technical aspects, but more like I-don't-know-where-I'm-headed etc. thing
ahhhh~~ go watch some KT and stop thinking
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:19 p.m.+
pattern recognition. something like that is all about routine; the music on my playlist, the cold wind, the wet papermache sky, LJ, flickr, checking and there and back again. nowadays the days seem to be like wet newspapers, mushy and a little clumpy with ink rubbing on fingers and spilling from the sides and bleaching out to a dull, smooth and painless grey
sometime, the rain washes my thoughts down
into drains and tiny catacombs
of this sleeping city
i feel like making rayographs suddenly. sitting in the darkroom with the soft drip of water and faint chemical smell with redlit lamps and the cold, cool feel of being enclosed in darkness. the only sound is the sound of your heart beating and your breath a warm smoke in this frozen place and the only light is the not-light. the click of timers and exposures and this hauntingly empty darkness.
make time, make peace
but it's okay. sunday i'll be at dadendongs, taking photos of autumn leaves. i love the sound of walking on wet leaves, it feels like a mattress and smells fresh and damp and acrid and earthly - cool air that presses on your cheek and damp soil and rotting leaves and then, yourself is yourself again.
all this; isocol
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:11 a.m.+
I've degenerated to a new level of laziness when I can't even be bothered to update my poupee x_X I'm just really tired after my essays. I had one due this week on Fairclough/Van Dijk, and the academic writing was driving me nuts. They had sentances like: 'the marketization of discursive language through intertextual referencing is most common in marcostructural sociocognitive text, following Fairclough's theory.' And then I had a fight with my psychotic housemate who apparently has no grasp of personal space :/ I really hate that. I hate people who enter my room without knocking, I have an intense dislike of all the *FEMALE* weepy passive aggression tactics i.e. whinage and mostly they just don't have a sense of humour. I want to be nicer to her, but it's just......annoying.
She doesn't seem to have any classes, and spends her time cooking or cosying up with her boyfriend and basically being an ambition-less doormat and throwback to feminism. She repeats herself several times because she thinks I don't understand. (China = older you are, the smarter you are. unfortunately not true) I don't particularly mind it, but I don't like all the whiny bitchery just because 'tsu is so anti-social!' and 'you never spend time with us!!111oneone' and 'We're FRIENDSSSSS!!' what. WHAT. I'm not their friend or anything, I'm just a housemate. I'm friendly and okay-well-whatever, but just because I live with you doesn't make us Best Buddies 101. She gets all these weird expectations about my upbringing and everything just because I'm Asian. O.O like. what. WHAT. I guess that's what really bugs me, that she expects every single person to be exactly like her.
And I'm not really that type. I'm friendly okay - within limits. Audy used to say that my problem wasn't because of friendliness, but because everyone and anything found me approachable. She would call me a weird-magnet because random people would talk to me even in Singapore. Apparently it's applicable in Australia as well, because I meet so many random strangers it's almost scary. Jiawei says that I should just start my own scam/fraud company, simply because everyone believes me. It's not even a lolita thing, I get stuff like that even in jeans. (remember? weird stalker borders guy)
Mostly I'm just tired of academia. Sometimes I enjoy it, but not now. Writing that essay was like an abortion. Mindnumbingly painful and traumatic. It's the bastard child you never want to see ever again, the one where you wrote halfway and wondered wtf you were writing because you were just tossing jargon like pixi stix. You get tired, you get pissed, you haven't showered in a day and your floor is littered with cookie crumbs. Not cool :x It felt so constipated, each word was a frightful nightmare of omg it sounds bad. omg i don't know. I hadn't eaten for like 24hrs and slept only 3 that night - by the time I handed it in I was on the verge of puking water and passing out. Went to meet up with Jiawei later who looked like a zombie. I think we both looked like zombies. Scarred zombies.
If I go back now I have housework. ARGH. 3 piles of laundry and dishes to wash. ARGH. I wish I could just make it all disappear like tinkerbell.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:35 p.m.+
am in uni.
am dying.
i am so so so sick of china/tibet/beijing politics olympics.
that can be said for allan bell and van dijk as well D:
rhetorical question of the day: why am i in media/comn again?
holy trinity of procastination:
tetris, egl and poupeegirl
are calling.......
ARGH ARGH ARGH
i want a bath, and more than just fig&honey yohgurt for snacking....why didn't i buy chips instead?! sadness :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:04 a.m.+
today was actually clear in the morning, but I was so sleeply I just slammed the snooze-button and overslept a little. Was supposed to be up at 8am, but ended up sleeping till 10am. It's okay, 'cause my class was at 11am anyway but I just wanted to be in early to scan film and check out the roster. Someone's booked the studio from 1pm-3pm, but I put my time in as 3pm-4pm for test shooting
class was kinda boring :x I hate to say it, but the photoshop level of my class is pathetic....they don't even know the basics of dodging/burning (which was covered today LOL) I can't help but feel a bit bored/restless, but my tutor is pretty understanding so she lets me off by either giving me harder assignments OR letting me do my own work. I know I'm not super-good, but I don't feel challenged enough sometimes....
Afterwards went to scan film, and johnboy's photos turned out fiiiiiiine :D I couldn't save some though, which made me kinda sad since each frame is 33cents and 12 frames of unsaveable material is $4~ :( :( :( most of my autumn and fitzroy shots were okay, although both jiawei and I noticed a slight tendency towards a blue cast......it's either my camera or the scanner, but I think it's my camera. There's a tedency towards 'aged' look too, which works well in my case since I prefer that soft focus anyway
Went up to the studio at 3pm and GOD THAT PLACE IS FUCKING FREAKY D: the corridor was partily unlit, there were empty classrooms with glass doors and because of the broken ceiling, there was an air vent which kept this creepy wind blowing along all the time. FUCKING CREEPY OKAY. cherie said the darkroom was equally bad if you worked longer than 2 hours, which I have to agree....there's nothing like walking into a black/red-lit place with no one inside and the radio turned on. ARGH. SCARY SHIT.
thankfully jiawei was there (she has thick crispy skin like siew yok so she doesn't get scared) while I fiddled with the lights. next week I have another lolita shoot (tentative title: games we play) and I need to get the lighting right. Plus, need to test out for the bodies in water thing. Kinda managed to get it back-lit, but not as strong a rim-light as I wanted.....but it still works? I got really nice Illford b/w film as well for it. kyahhhhhh film is so expensive!! why are all my hobbies expensive!!! >:(
I'm still kinda nervous about it though :x it's my first time after all! Feels like the time when manga characters go 'dokidoki' heartbeat LOL
Like, I keep running instructions in my head: use tungsten light. plug tungsten to battery box. adjust intensity using slider. switch off flash (shaded bulb). plug in softbox on the wall, plug in light-meter to the camera. set shutterspeed to 1/60. set 2nd tungsten light facing the backdrop with focus. bring model forward. test light. repeat.
I guess knowing doesn't really do the same thing as experience.....how did my lecturer make it look so easy?! :(
still in uni researching....trying to research on tibet-beijing olympics. ARGH. so sick of it. it's a friday! I should be slacking! but it's due on Monday which makes me anxious :x 1500 words, shouldn't be hard but it is. I wish I had more backing for visual analysis theory though, so suxxors suckage. need to go find that bloody Us VS Them article on china as well...it's apparently on GNESCO.
boo. so much work and I haven't even had dinner yet. Just munching sadly on the peaches I brought with me for the test-photos today. peaches are good for test shots because they have the right texture and 'grainy-ness' like skintone.
okay. going home now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:27 p.m.+
don't like cold, don't like cold. it rained this morning so i skipped class. cold really annoys me. it goes up my nose and makes it hard to breathe, it dries my eyes so it feels itchy. it makes me irritable and constantly hungry, and the dismal drizzle makes me feel miserable and depressed.
did errands. met up with jiawei. library to finish research. cold cold cold. across us was the chinese debating society with a guy that looked like steve complete with dyed red hair and lipstick lips. very lang zhai. not my type though, but i kept looking at him so maybe he thought i was interested. no. when i look at you it means i'm kaypoh.
media analysis is boring
van dijk is boring
fairclough is even moreso
but the winner has to be Allan Bell
who writes SO SO SO BORINGLY that i cringe
cannot finish reading
researched so much shit. so sick of beijing olympics and tibet. my reaction in the end was: 'fuck off and die'. haethaethaet. it's mostly van allan bell that causes my haetage - his approaches to discourse analysis is most un-readable and painfully technical and it makes my head hurt in a v. uncool way. apparently if you even DO finish the fucking book, you become like jiawei who says WARRRGH randomly every 5 mins because of her Tormented Soulz
went to safeway to stock up on food, and randomly bought a piece of fish. so random. it was 93 cents because i only bought 1 piece of fillet. i didn't know what to do with it but who cares right? will figure out later is my motto. went home was straving and cold and the only warm bit of me was my feet because i had the intelligence to buy woolly pink socks even though i wasn't smart enough to buy another scarf.
ended up making steamed fish in soy and ginger and it tastes like home and comfortable childhood-y things and totally comfort food when smashed into rice and feeling sick and down. GARH. ran out of aluminium and plastic wrap too. so sadz. must do grocery tmr again, but at least i'm fairly stocked up on indomee, broccoli and beef. oh, pasta too.
housemate downloading things. BITCH :(
i have major haetage when i cannot open pupe.jp
fucking inconsiderate scum of the century
*raaaaaaaaaaaaage*
argh i should just sleep. gonna get wrinkles and a heart attack at this rate
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:14 a.m.+
+tsu waited for you at +
sometimes i feel like asking
why aren't you here?!
why are you always away?
don't you care anymore?
why aren't you talking to me?
maybe i don't need you anymore since you're never there
but ahhhh i get tired of fighting
it's just so time-consuming
maybe it's like they say, let it die quietly
cold week. i hate cold. cold disgusts me, it makes me disgusted at human being and unsociable. it makes me disagreeable. i hate people more, i hate more easily too. mostly it's just winter and misery, misery and winter. it makes me think people don't care about me when i'm sitting in this deep dark cold with 3 hours of sunlight a day when it rains pours drizzles and the fucking melbourne wind cutthroat on your shoulder and your bones ache creak whine as you plod home - back curved and shoulders hunched as the wind cuts like a cleaver.
still working on china. china china china. my own heart of darkness. my little passage out of china. hah! so peem. PEEM. lol. such is the joke we've descended to. media analysis on china. it's like back and all over again, do people understand? (no.) but it's okay. right. consolation for guilt. buried deep deep deep inside
gaffer tape. LOL
LIGHT AND DAAAAAAAARK TO HOLD THE UNIVERSEEEEEE
gah. back to essay
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:42 a.m.+
I made stew today! I'm really happy about it because I made it from stratch without any premixed sauces. I marinated beef in cranberry/grape juice, black pepper, parsely and cornflour while saute-ing onions and potatoes. Then I added the beef + beef juice and tomatoes then let it boil with bay leaf. Once it boiled, I added yohgurt for creamyness and it's pretty good now. Tastes kinda like beef burgengion LITE xD I think because of the fruit juice I added which tastes slightly tart and acidic
anyway it makes me feel much better that it turned out so nicely, because the cold snap is making me feel like crap :x I put nearly half a container of black pepper in along with northern chilli, so it's got a real spicy kick despite the yohgurt......thought of adding cream then I remembered the kebab/souvalaki man who adds yohgurt so I went for that instead. It tastes surprisingly good, especially for a made-up recipe
cold weather makes me hungry and ansty. today creative writing guy - tim, managed to piss me off with his pretentiousness. he's all like 'stark brutal writing' and all the wanky post-modernism stuff. when he mentioned beckettian then i nearly puked blood because damnit beckett would NOT allow himself teenage angst shit. it was so trite and cliched mannnnnnnnn >_> on another note, i got back my assignment and YES! 2 H2As :DDDDDDDDD now i just need to pass french and i'm all clear.
had kind-of dinner with jiawei, then went home to cook stew so I wouldn't need to cook the next few days. that said, i think while i'm not UBER-AMAZING cook i'm not too bad either. at least i don't burn chicken on the outside and leave the inside uncooked :x then sat down to write all the thank you letters, check LJ and read through allan-whathisname's most boooooooring text on discourse analysis. gah. he makes me want to shoot myself kthxbai
need a bath and maybe some more reading. cold makes me anti-socially cranky :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:03 p.m.+
Spent all my newly earned auction money: btssb snow-white skirt in black, btssb seraphim OP in white and MAM bunny cardigan in pink. Of the three items, I'll probably only keep the bunny cardigan in pink long term because I love MAM cardigans and it took me forever to find a simple plain pink cardigan. I didn't want anything fancy - no prints, no weird glitter pearls, no funky wtfs but just a plain pink cardigan slightly oversized so I can snuggle into it when I'm feeling sleepy or throw it over when I'm cold. If it comes with bunny ears, even better. I rarely pull it up anyway, since it annoys me to see it flop all over the place (on the other hand I think it's supaaaaa-cute!~ when it dangles down the hood<3333) At most I'll sew a ribbon so I can tie it without zipping the whole thing up
buying a lot of baby suddenly....WTF is wrong with me? On the other hand I like those prints very very much. Snow White print was from their 2004 line and it's really nicely detailed with hawaii-esque flowers at the bottom while the seraphim print was something that I wanted since A levels LOL. Seems such a long time ago doesn't it?
besides I think I need something pretty after working so hard.....:/ Feeling stressed most of the time now because the photography tutors think I should push myself even further. I think that's the problem when your first assignments turn out well, they just expect more and more and more from you....maybe I should've done a shitter job in the beginning so I could gradually 'improve'
nahhhh that would be cheating myself. Most likely I'll end up doing 3rd year photography next semester too, since I'm genuinely interested in photography and they like me too.
Presentation went surprisingly well despite my low-tech-lack-powerpointness. The first girl had powerpoint though, which I found really odd since how the hell do you make a powerpoint about yourself?????? It's so weird! A lot of people are doing the high-key stuff with hypersaturation so I'll probably do the bodies in water black/white one. The only thing that vaguely upset me was that the next presented, Tyla was pretty much copying me :/ 'cause I was doing reflections on water and she was like 'oh body and reflections like what tsu said' and I was kinda DOTZ about it. Conceptually I'm better though (thank you Mr. James!) because I actually know what I'm talking about.....hahaha I guess fine art really has its uses after all
the truth is I owe a lot to my training with Mr James/fine art theory. Without it I would've had a hell lot worse time in photography, even if they're seperate disciplines. The importance of fine art isn't just the names or movements or styles but the discipline it teaches you - how to develop an idea, extend it with references and execute it systematically. That's the word I guess; system. Like for me I had names of artists I was looking at, sketches of what I wanted and a list of names/items that I needed. I could tell them concisely, even though I usually find it hard to explain my ideas to others.
tl;dr summary: thank you mr. james and fine arts!
I've even kinda thought of what to do in 3rd year photography already, since the theme is Light Moves. Very pretty title btw....I'll probably buy another holga and mod it into my own camera. y'think dad can help? I need to make some lenses and lens holders, plus I have a rough sketch of how to make a lens already. the problem is calculating the exact depth of field and focus point, but that can be rememdied quite easily by calcuating the depth of convex in relation to focal point which would give you the focus length. Or, if you make the lens holder rotatable (something like a coikin holder) then the focus point can be rotated to change.
printed both my photos, then fooled in the darkroom making photograms which are mindless and fun. Photograms are basically photography paper with objects on the top exposed to light so they form silohuettes. It's kinda like stencils, but more mindless and really really fun. I made them postcard size so I could send one each to my siblings. Quite tempted to buy a stack of photography paper just to fool around with, but living is already pretty expensive since each exposure/photograph costs me 33cents to develop Dx photography is a damnably expensive hobby for film. The DSLR people have it better :x
Still need to find bathtub...but most importantly I need to finish my media analysis and the short fiction story for creative writing. Probably write something in 2nd person, since I like 2nd person because it feels more...direct? expressive? accessible? The complicated explaination is that 2nd person negates the use of present/past tense because of the 'you' which exists out of chronology. In a way that technique prevents what is written from ever becoming 'past' since it's a direct addressment thus it is continually 'present' even though it was written in the past.
Scrambled for lunch at Castro's again. I think they know me by now, since I'm there almost everyday D:D:D: I'm totally addicted to their vanilla chai and pumpkin soup. Yeahhhhhh PUMPKIN :x usually I hate that stuff, but their pumpkin soup is amazing. It's creamy and rich and warm and comes with free toast and thick enough to coat a spoon<3333 I believe that's the only way to make me eat beta-carotene now.....castro's pumpkin and ginger soup!<333
feeling sleepy and it's only 8pm. cold weather is cold. makes me want to hibernate and not wake up in the mornings because it's warmer inside my bed nyaaaa~~~ *rolls* talking about warm, I think I must be the most overdressed person for winter since I'm wearing 4 layers and 2 pairs of socks....I think the best item I own is the red cashmere sweater I got off mahmah since it's really really warm and comfy. Nearly fell asleep during french class because of it, not to mention I was dead tired anyway.
Went to Ian Potter's later with Jiawei and Ming Rui who is this really blur guy who is really blur. He's so blur he doesn't know how to buy eggs and lived off instant noodles and koko crunch. LOL and he buys organic chicken because he didn't see the cheaper one on sale hahahaha.....I think Jiawei's met her match in who's the worst cook, considering he doesn't really know how to cook chicken either.
not hungry anymore.....:x
yesterday pigged out at ying thai too
damnit cold makes me want to eat moar
tomorrow's media/comn lect at 10, scanning film from 11-2 then creative writing 2-4. ahhhhhhhh I should stop worrying but I can't seem to stop :( the workload just seems to get more and more and hopefully everything will be completed soon
ps. i miss broccoli
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:17 p.m.+
azurite and alamandine is blending in my mine into a soft smog of greying haze, the texture of expired film and faded poloroids and dripping water with dripping mists and footsteps that fade to october
all is a dreaming
from unwakeness
i think of trump l'oeil; deception of the eye. deception is what i love, the illsion, the game. the hypertastic unreality that i live in most of the time. my own mirrorverse of placings and trappings and each one is different and special - perhaps, more real than the reflected one it lives in.
yesterday i went with jiawei and al to the abandoned buildings along swanston/bouverie street and it was like a dirty grimy non-place. kinda like the place where you think the matrix would breakway from - the smell of piss and beer with the quiet chirping of birds and the soft, distant chime of coming trams. another world. the fragrance of this place stank of soft places - the rank of wild reeds growing over brick and broken grills, the bottle of methadone i found in the second place, bird shit and bird carcass and homeless mattresses mixed with dead pizza boxes and everything.....everything was nothing
the grass was so tall we had to wade through it. those rusty spokes rose like deep red bones of whatever else - sparse, harsh only softened by those hell's flowers and sharp grass. hell's flowers, a joke that seems so real when a dead spider hangs frozen in the withered centre.
started to drizzle again, but thankfully it wasn't too bad. just pulled my hoodie up and walked to Pacific to buy roast duck and crispy pork (which, amusingly enough jiawei doesn't really know about) while she went to get char siew (so boring taste). anyway the crispy pork was reeeeeeeeeeally good. did some grocery-ing for the first time in weeks, brown swiss mushrooms, cheap lindt bars, fruit juice and some nectarines.
funny bit about going there: jiawei got her crotch caught by the wire fence and it tore LOL and then we had to go to the toilet in QV to sew it back hahahaha and then for me since i was too short my dress got caught when i was jumping off - exactly like the scene in the incredibles when the guy with cape got eaten up by plane turbines. thankfully i was wearing polyester which didn't tear but Al had an unnessescary view of my fats which was probably kinda gross.
um. anyway.
my toes are cold *sadface*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:45 a.m.+
tonight is like a harvest moon and it rises like a munched yellow cookie on the sky which is deep deep deep blue that you can stare endlessly at and think: that is the colour of infinity. the one that rises is half-laced with ashy kisses and husky voices and the dry soft bells that chime in confession after confession and the wind does not come. chilly. cold. autumn eats the moon that turns into yellow-gold.
mirror-verse, everything happens inversely. you live down under while everything else is up so the autumn that comes is the cruel spring for others and come september moons that bleed red are in may. mirrorworlds have mirrorpeople with mirrorgames with play. a trump d'oeil photograph of a lake that ripples under the bridge and is it not as real as above?
jiawei is a friend now, she is real.
i care enough - but not enough to wake up in the morning for her
i care enough that she is human being
in a soft disaparate way i try harder to explain, i try harder to hold to whatever is left of it - gaffer's tape and electric wires and everything is precious/unprecious at once. i miss aya. i miss audy. i miss that bubblewrap of being there but now i wonder if maybe i have my own inner bubblewrap as well, a kind of filter that makes reality as fluid and real as a paperthin slice ripped lengthwise
i draw a circle and that is 'real'
so is the sound of tearing paper
so is the act of a circle into half
i need anchors. routines. books. conversations. people. i feel split apart sometimes - torn between the body that betrays and a restless mind that doesn't stop. sometimes i think my problem is not so much about the hallucinations or anxiety or anything as complicated as that - no. it's more basic. i merely do not feel attuned to this body. when i look at the photographs of myself it isn't really me. i trace my face with a finger and it does not seem to belong, neither do i ever feel more than the weight and awe of a moving muscle - for some reason i can never take it for granted that it is mine. only my eyes. only my eyes are mine. touch is not as centred as i think it is, because even sensation is a betrayer
focus. calm down. go in. breathe.
more things are happening than thinkable
a reduction was hers. a reduction and a distant impression; the sense of overwhelming self-survival is common to many. her survival was based on defensiveness, my survival is based on melding reality. both equally dangerous. i think, sometimes growing up simply means a change in lenses
glass plates, ND filters, colour gels
games we play again and again
transmutable is something i wonder at. the more older i grow the more i become into myself, just not into skin sense. the tsu of 5 years ago is the same tsu of now, except that it is more tsu like than before. thus not a question of self, but a difficulty in anchorage. it is a natural sense that produces questionability in me - odd. a lacking made up with a strange awareness of place
the fog that rolled in at 3am tasted like cold smoke and dreams and from it - a memory of china and the last day where we ate smoked hot chives in shao kao only that i could feel the fog rolling into my breath my nose my skin down my throat and the taste of it - cold smokey chive taste of nothingness until it sank into the gothicism of bones and from it, the chill of a mean winter. bitterness. fog is like the ashes of spring, burned by a red autumn into hardness. a misted reminder. a taste. we lick the lips and remember.
gothicism of bones.
a language, a tattoo, a secret magic
covered softly by flesh
protected
or trapped?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:28 a.m.+
It's hazy in the city lately - rather interesting effect of having all the dust particles reflected like a luminous mirror, a constantly shifting mist of light. I imagine it must be hard for drivers though, since the visibility is pretty shitty.
French test was bad. With luck, I'll pass. With more luck, I'll get a H3. The other possibilities are terrifying otherwise :( I feel like making one of those promises: dear god if I pass and get a h3 i promise to be good and not spend anymore money until june EXCEPT. i won't be able to keep it.
in the spirit of de-stressing, Jiawei and I went shopping and................ARGH. To be fair she spent more than I did, but it doesn't matter because I wasn't supposed to shop. I got a new hoodie from JayJay's which I needed but I do NOT need a new red coat and matching red hat no matter how gloriously cute it is. SO CUTE *_* I feel like wearing it tomorrow to class<3333333
(or should I wear the etoile stuff instead? IDK D:)
Usually I'm not so indescive but after a week of deadlines and throwing on sloppy jeans I just want to feel pretty again, as pretty as I can be anyway hurhur xD hilariously Jiawei calls me pedo-bait, which I suppose is quite true considering not many people can tell my age. The only time they ever realize it is when I talk to them first before meeting them so they have a different impression.
Feeling kinda tired and vaguely depressed, mostly because I don't like deadlines and I have the driving need to talk to someone who doesn't view me as a kind of bumbling idiot. I admit I enjoy playing games, but sometimes it just goes too far and i can't tell which ends what ends and need to be brought back to where it really was :x the only times this happens is when i get tired with not enough sleep and books or spending too much time with other people, which is rather disgusting really.
it's bothered me slightly before, but now i'm too doubtful to be any constructive use. i know i'm not an idiot, i just pretend to be one because socratic humour is sorely under-used. on the other hand, when too many people say you're one you start to believe (ah, joys of semiotical constructive language) and that's when the shit starts. i need to talk to someone who really knows me - audy, aya or mom before i go crazy and turn into someone i don't even know.
Thinking of getting a plain cream skirt.......particularly the cinderella emboridery one. not getting the JM jsk after all, since it's not in the colourway i wanted :x BLUE IS LOVE<3
anyway just mostly the usual trio of stress/assignments/shopping. I'm kinda annoyed I forgot to collect my poetry assignment on Tuesday too :x arghhh I want to know my grades!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:37 a.m.+
finally finished my devoir
all 4 weeks worth of devoir
i hope i can pass tomorrow's test....
i just need to remember the avoir/etre forms
got a h2a for photography
*phew* that wasn't too bad was it?
actually it was :x
i feel like i'm stuck in a rut now
too much caught in the same dreamy nostalgic style
must be more experimental???
sometimes i think maybe i'm not really
i feel like i need to go somewhere else for a day
but where to?
just to go for the sake of going
somewhere that doesn't look like here
but that's so escapist isn't it?
i studied from 6-11
then i was so hungry i ate fast food
microwaved, soggy and melted fake cheese
but oh hunger
you forget everything else in the singleminded determination for food
i think it's the same feeling you get when you want a piss
the desperate urgency coupled with sheer need
it's like those smutty fanfics
except that it has nothing to do with sex
besides, i think sexual drive is vastly overrated
you can live without sex
you can't live without pissing
i just feel really drained
the sick despairing feeling that it isn't going to end
end badly it is, isn't it?
i still have media analysis to research on
it's not difficult, just tedious
a lot of uni work is just tedious i guess
kinda upset about the accident :x
ahhhh WHY didn't i check the bulb mode???
totally destroyed one roll of film
:((((((( each roll is like $10
so annoying
i really hate it when that happens
the only good part is that the nikon ones turned out okay
i.......listen to the sound of water
ripples over rocks and cracks between
in a soul music
for a weary landscape
i........listen to this soul music
that spins belling chimes and hear
faint laugher of something i never had
never knew
always wanted
i'm so tired my nightmares are coming back in the daytime. today i was being paranoid but i was scared - shikata nai. slowly, it erodes everything. it's not so much stress, but the crumbling sense of despair. i got my photograph exhibited....yet i can't seem to care. it's almost like a complusion - love me//abandon hope cliche. it feels like fog glass and whispers and skeletal hands that press soggily, decaying sensation of wet seeping cold. i get scared. shiver.
i want to wash my laundry. my bedsheets haven't been washed in 4months (and counting). i want clean sheets and clean sleeping wear and not wake up feeling more tired than sleeping and everything just presses like a cloudedsnapper; jumbled impressions that make no sense. i want to stop saying 'shikata nai' now, because sometimes it helps but now it feels like signing away myself and locking up and ready to end
close the tables, stack the chairs, turn the lights off...
goodnight?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:09 a.m.+
happiness is kueh lapis and schweppes cream soda. i remember everything by schweppes cream soda. it was the only soft drink i'll drink as a kid (and even now as an adult) it came in a green can with a gold/yellow logo and no one else drank it but i liked it.
i remember back when they had all the flavours like moutain dew and zappel when it first came out and it was so exciting to be in primary school and people queued up to mix flavours for 10cents more and the auntie would scold me for mixing ice lemon tea and coke because aiyah ah girl you sure later get stomachache like that and it came in big red plastic cups of tsu's own brewery
zappel was the taste of ballet class on saturday for 10 years without fail with chicken katsudon and zappel and thomson supermarket where they still had yohan and we'll eat in the big white foodcourt as we take turns to dance and change in the toilet and mom would hurry hurry wipe your chin and don't be late for slyvia mccally
but cream soda was the best. schweppes. no one else. i taste it like vanilla-not-vanilla, and it is my everything at once. it is before we went similan and stayed that night on the beach with persimmon juice running down the chin and shrimp boats floating on dark mirrors and plastic teacups filled with piss-no-vanilla-schweppes and watching thai tv as the sound of boats creaking boats rocking and the wood whining as it sang me to sleep. schweppes is the taste of being 8 and finishing school to swim in long lazy afternoons diving for googles as we dragged the benches to the edge of the pool to jump off until the security gaurds called and mom yelled and we still did it all over again until tired and laughing with chlorine in hair eyes nose mouths shoving 80cents into the vending machine for this taste of not-supposed-happiness
so like that i think
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:25 a.m.+
if my h-h-heart could be made like a
yellow boat sailing by the plaza this
t-t-tugboat of trailing stars
on the open sea with you and me
keeping company; ever free in our
p-p-put of h-h-heart
sing it like it is, like someone playing a chord in my head. um. yeah...something about alien sex and cool retrospacekiss music and chitting robots and orbital probes with vintage women and mooncake faces.mmmmm mooncake. today had an almost full moon and maybe i said that maybe werewolves would come out and play after 10.
yesterday went to abbotsford conventry and it was grungey and gothic and awesome and i tried not to go eek even when climbing dodgy stairs and stuff and lots of freaky things ooooo yeah i wish we could go inside maybe i had to call
was stuck at the epping line with al and jiawei and al was really late to meet his friend so he had to call and connex is a bitch because they said 10 mins delay then it came 20mins delay and then 1 hour delay and finally: sorry people no trains going to epping and you have to take a bus yes yes and no we will not refund you and we were hungry and thirsty and fucking annoyed by then
went to eat dumplings and rice and mmm we finished like 12 pcs of lamb dumplings, 2 plates of duck rice, 2 soyabean drinks, 1 red bean pancake and staggered out stuffed and sleepy from stuffing
today rolled out and washed toilet and met up with mina and photo photo photo dear god i hope all of them turn out okay and photo photo photo and overpriced softserve icecream then rolled home and then jiawei sounded sick so we went for beef noodles at mekong and then torika hoax and tried abstinte which tasted like liqourice and was badass and trappy and had sparkles in the middle if i looked at it too long and zomg outta mind there, outta mind as we dragged our asses to bennett's bar for jazz and soul and musical pirates crying out woes as her voice cracks over remembers and what ofs and things that don't go as planned
and now i'm home and curling up in pjs and my toes are cold and that's....that's all for today
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:12 a.m.+
i need a wradrobe overhaul. y/y? it feels like a time to sell.
+tsu waited for you at 01:14 a.m.+
day before yesterday i had 1 media presentation + essay
yesterday i went to meet up with marie-clare (model 3), find a bathtub/studio and watch Happy Together
today i went to Abbotsford Conventry for photoshoot
tomorrow i have another photoshoot at fitzroy gardens with mina (model 1)
sunday i promised jiawei to go st. kilda's for photography as well
monday i have photography lecture 9am, vanbaar's processing at 10am, studio photography at 11-2pm, 2pm -4pm french
other things:
french test (wednesday), call up clamwings/anniechan for the well played photoshoot(by monday), find a bathtub, research for media analysis: tibet/bejing olympics using visual/discourse analysis (foucult), creative writing essay 1500words, distortation h.w we, us, together
is there such thing as a creative burnout? my house looks like crap. my room looks like crap. i look like crap. i haven't washed the place in 3months (and counting) because i come home so drained and tired that i can barely stay awake to bathe then flop back to bed. there's a thin layer of dust over everything because i don't live here long enough. i roll out of bed in the morning, leave and come back around midnight. i still have so much to do, i still have so much i want to do but i'm turning into an obsessed workaholic that lives off dark chocolate bars, boiled eggs and raisin bread. horrors. is that the beginning of the end? if i have free time i'm still doing work - i read up photography books especially studio lighting manuals or flip through newspaper cuttings for tibet and beijing. i'm tired, but i can't seem to stop. it's like i can't stop thinking about it until i burn out then go back into a sponge-period to soak up stuff but right now i'm still riding some kind of insane energy curve.
gah. i want to skype! i want to take poupee pics and read akame fics and not come home looking like shit. god, i need a life.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:45 p.m.+
groupwork over!!!!!! rejoice!!!! :D :D :D I'm just glad it ended because it was totally shit and ate my life up :/ BUT NOW IT'S OVER! and semiotics is fun - I love visual analysis<3 it's probably my favourite analysis in the world (coming in close second with discourse analysis) It's basically deconstructing an image like the way you deconstruct language in literature~
Met up with Marie-Claire, a really striking girl I ran into last week in Castro's and asked her to be my model for my final project. She seems really interested and excited, so I'm want to do my best for her as well ^^ ahhh I need to find a bathtub! Other than that it's pretty problem free, just that I have no bathtub. I'm probably going to sell my lolita clothes so I can fund my bathtub photos. IT BETTER WORK BECAUSE THIS IS ONE EXPENSIVE ENTERPRISE >:( Renting a room is like a hundred bucks yo' but! for the good of my portfolio...............
Went to watch Happy Together (wong kar wai) which was awesome and depressing and cool and everything<333 GOD. HEARTBREAK. It's like the essence of anguish in every line, fruitless seeking and places at the end of the world.
listening to french female beatboxer
so cool *_*
went with jiawei for dinner and just talked a bit to relax after this week hahahah ZOMG we're doing the same topic for media analysis! D: then afterwards walked home
I'm just kinda tired so I'll sleep soon........
No sleep for the last few nights.........
I slept less than 3 hours the past few nights :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:36 p.m.+
I change wikipedia to encyclopedia, but I do not
want to change my information. As I also have to submit another two assignments
tomorroow, so I have no time to deal with. Essay is below. Now I am busy with
another two assignments. Have a good night.
repeat after me:
WHAT THE FUCK?
+tsu waited for you at 10:41 p.m.+
poetic wants and earthy desire
i want:
a bath
clean bedsheets
my essay to finish
it to be warmer
proper food
french homework to be magically complete
presentation to be over
my model to reply
photography lab to be open for 5 days a week
i'm just tired and drained from the lack of sleep, frustration at groupmates, stress from continous deadlines (hellooooooooo french!test next week) that just piles up bigger and bigger until it seems impossibly high.
my goal right now is to timewaste on akamefics until I can go back home because those other people haven't written their 500 words yet and I'm just tired like a flat bean pancake. I slept at 6am yesterday (or this morning, depending on your perspective) and was so dead that I didn't even bother bathing so I felt stinky and disgusted when I woke up and crawled for french class.
I don't want Hello Panda for dinner anymore ;_; it's not food! Broccoli! WE LIKE.
random note: 2 guys just walked in with the same striped shirt. gheyness mannnnnn
ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:22 p.m.+
my toes are cold in white sandals; forgetting to wear socks today and it just annoys me a bit - sitting in the lab doing assignments on media theory and media analysis and everything is media media media and the only thing i know about it is that the medium is the form and the form is the content and that's how it works doesn't it? except that for some, they never see it like that and dangit - i miss listening to T-REX suddenly
i think of soundscapes and landscapes and sythpop over crescent moon and the nova that explodes into the emptiness of space in the beat of a 70s bassline da-thump-da-thump and it tastes like smoke and silk and all those fancy type gassy names like boron or neuron or maybe just pollack-like: my luminous whirlpool of static energy
and now it's dark and deary and time to do some grocery shopping as i huddle in and breathe deeply and it releases like smoke and gas and planetary flatulence and god- what is the point yet?
star trails make circles in space
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:45 p.m.+
LOL forgot to mention today during french class we had to do zodiac signs (as in, translate what it means hahaha) and during the Pisces(poisson) bit there was this word: insiasissable which cordell translated as "insiatiable" and then i was like NOWAI D: but it actually means "elusive". then i asked WTF how can people be elusive and john said maybe it meant hard to catch then i was like, catch what? i catch no balls
ok bad joke. move on people, move on.
+tsu waited for you at 02:00 a.m.+
oh god I was so tired this morning when I rolled out of bed for 9am lecture and guess what? TRAM JAM D: I swear, next year I'm going to stay closer to the university or something because the morning traffic at Melbourne Central is hideous and horrible and horrifying. CAN YOU IMAGINE? I WAS GRUMBLING THE ENTIRE WAY :((((((((((((((((
*massive frownage*
it wasn't just crowded/annoying/shitty but cold. I hate cold mornings. I'm perfectly fine with cold nights and cold evenings but I detest cold mornings. It doesn't make me want to wake up at all, and all I want to do is curl deeper into my blankets.
dragged my ass for class in the end and I'm glad I did - I managed to scan all the light-leaked film and darkroom distortation is FUN! YAY. I LOVES IT. SO FUN. Anyway, I blew the head off Joseph in the Holy Family photo, and now it's titled Happy Families because my sense of humour is about as sick as it gets - especially when I realize I can re-crucify baby Jesus with a bit of masking tape and loads of irony. UM. YEAH. darkroom distortation techniques is fun<3 and scanning a lot less fun :( it just takes so looooooooooong to scan film although I've cleared all the heidi in sg and johnboy again photos I still have half a stack left to process and I just can't be bothered :( I have new film coming in anyway!
Going out tomorrow with Jiawei to Abbotsford Conventry to take cool abandoned building photos and I booked the studio on friday to do some test shooting. Then Saturday I have Mina who will be shooting the Us, We, Together photos in Fritzroy with me and maybe maybe 25th I'll have clamwings and anniechan doing the Well-Played series with me. Oh, I got approval for my bodies in water project too! sugoi! :D
I hope I don't sound too obnoxious...
but I think I might be good at photography *o*
Skipping creative writing tomorrow, I just don't feel like it :x Going to boil some eggs later so I can make a picnic basket tomorrow and yay! I love photography. I really hope I can make it *crosses fingers* I'm glad to have started in fine arts too, because it gives a really really strong foundation to start with. I think without it, I would have a harder time adjusting to different mediums.....
I'm just happy! But it's too tempting to neglect my other subjects and TBH I am kinda doing that because it just doesn't hold my interest as much....That reminds me, I totally want to try for an internship at the Age as a photojournalist...or actually any newspaper/magazine that would take me. The other worry is that I might be overworking......a very distinct possibility since I'm in uni from 9am-5pm without food or water........even moreso when I start living on chocolate bars and nothing else......jiawei being totally horrified when i said i haven't eaten/drank anything in the last 24hrs......which might explain why i feel so tired during midday and collasped at 6pm to sleep it off.........4hrs of sleep a day isn't helping either........................
ok. i'm just a workaholic :/
can't resist the urge to be perfectionist....
oh dear....
ahhhh anyway gotta check my classmates work. gah. i hate group work :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:43 p.m.+
I have so many things to do and not a single desire to do any of them. I want to crawl into some soft darkness with Indochine going lalala and toss my textbooks in the air and ignore the thousand and one demands for me to compose emails, write essays and decide what to wear tomorrow. The last seems flukey and pointless, but with the weather like a shithole and days getting shorter and shorter and more miserable with each passing I feel like a penguin that wants to process a C-41 and boil some broccoli while I'm at it. Except. No urge. No drive.
I bought a smarties skirt - actually a polkadot skirt that reminds me of smarties and bought from jiawei a sexy pink leather jacket for $100 bucks. Considering she originally bought it for 700euros it's a fucking good deal since it's genunine leather and beautifully lined. When I asked her about it, she just shrugged and said she didn't wear pink. So. Um. Why did she buy it in the first place? o.O Anyway it's mine not and it's pretty and perfect and the right texture for cuddling up on cold days. It's even slightly big, so I can layer stuff underneath it
I'm just slightly tired
I don't really like the cold, it drives me up the wall in a bad way. I don't like the miserableness of winter - the cruel wind and malicious night and the deary rain and sunless days with the sound of screenwipers and a voice drowning in the deep of washed edges
I have laundry to do and dry-cleaning to send and grocery shopping and emails to write and media presentations to plan and essays to write and photographs to take with french verbs to memorize be all i can think of is the toujours cold and triste cold and well, misery begets misery when winter comes and indochine offering blue company
tomorrow i'll go watch a movie by myself and let the pretty picture universe take over.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:35 p.m.+
ahhhhhh for an odd minute, I had a craving for a mojito like the ones in Robobar and playing space invaders while eating sour apple skins and drinking pillow books. it's just a tough day and so long - I spent hours in the lab tweaking and reworking and then all the shit falling on me and running to john medley and okay! all my assignments are complete<3
I guess I'm really anal retentive or something, but I just couldn't stand looking at those awful photos that some people were submitting: wrong exposure, too much contrast, bad cropping, non-centred, impure blacks...etc etc so I ended up doing half their work for them before realizing I didn't even finish my own (oh shit) for some reason I can't seem to refuse when someone asks me a question ;_; now I regret helping them so much, because what if I get really shoddy grades because of it????????
:(((((
Anyway I'm just glad the entire thing is over and ALL THE MOUNTING IS DONE. I hate mounting. I never realized how much I hated it until I had to do it again and realized I was the shittest mount-er ever because I cannot for the life of me, cut a fucking straight line. I can't even TELL if it's a straight line, even with a square set and a ruler. The only times I can draw a straight line is when I don't have a ruler and enough space :/ ARGH I WISH I COULD SEE STRAIGHT LINES. HOW DO I KNOW IF IT'S STRAIGHT OR NOT? AM I SO FULL OF PHAILNESS???????????????????
plz people, my angst is killingz me
oh yeah back to creative writing, here's what i submitted finally:
------------
yesterday was poseideon lost
a neptune flung -
steel waves that rose and struck
on anvils of shorelines
blackened beaches rage
with stormy troops
of skies and seagulls - a funeral
cry!
the dirge the moan it wails:
claw your bloodwhite hands towards skies
the bared siren teeth
the iron skin
sinks
into the state of rise
milkred eyes on black faces;
hoist!
the ravens are leaving the tower
shadowstrum speeds across a frightened night
above, the moon awaits her sacrifice
her mouth is an O.
each gasp from her lips spins
spidersilk dreams
on darkwater
taste salt smell metal
lust!
the blood moon embraces the cruel mistress below
her names:
nereid, naiad, nymph
nightmare.
[a keening sound lances-
[a sob;
[silence]
in candence, the tide:
inkwater lapping on ebony shore
noiseless silent it ebbs
it flows
till all had sank
below; this frozen sea
------------
considering i wrote it in a night after pulling a whole bunch of imagery shit off my ass and listening to tears from the moon//fall down like rain//i reach for you//i reach in vain on loop until i wanted to dig my nails into my skin and pierce flesh and tear it out i suppose it's half-decent. yesterday i was drunk and content, now i'm lucid and vaguely discontented thinking: 'okaaaaaaaay, this line could be better'
I really want to do Light Moves but it's a 3rd year subject. The thing is, I have a good chance of getting into the subject next semester and I really really want it. Oh god, I want it so bad it's crazy except of course I can totally see the Arts Faculty kicking my ass again. I'll have to get the green form signed again and the pink form signed again and most of all - I'll need to sit through another 1.5hrs of conselling as the faculty people go ]: ]: ]: and I go D: D: D: and we don't get anywhere but if - if I have the chance, I will still try.
it matters enough for me to do this
it matters a lot
after Experimental Photography finishes I'm going to call that Philip-guy and ask for a internship at the Age/Herald Sun as a photojournalist. I need that experience to be better because sometimes, just having a pretty portfolio isn't enough. I need all my assignment photos to be beautiful and awesome and perfect because I need to use it to get -there- and no one else will help me unless I start it myself. Start with a black file, we'll work from there.
I don't want to lose to anyone again
it just feels so...so helpless
ahhhh but today....today I'm just happy my assignment is over :D I'm slightly upset that my first mount was kinda shitty, but the second one was well-done (only because I didn't do it -_-;;). I really hope everything works out!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:11 p.m.+
deadlines make me go whack. it's like some fugue state where I live on 80% dark chocolate, soya milk, rasin bread and lunch and jiawei gives me THAT wtf expression when I go supermarketing and pick up all the not-food. I don't exactly eat junk food (no chips, no biscuits) but you can't say I eat healthily either. I call it deadline-mania when my body craves a certain type of sugar and vanilla chai lattes.....the sugar just gets sucked into my brain and straight into paper (bypassing grammer)
more or less satisfied that my assignments are coming right on schedule, and next week is the media presentation which MUST succeed. thankfully the work isn't too difficult, it's only that my groupmates don't speak english so i find myself getting unnessescarily impatient with them. although, truthfully i wonder why they're taking media and commuications when they don't even understand the lectures or what the theories mean. they would've been better off in a chinese university for this or at least foundation year in english because academic language is NOT like normal english and it requires a certain level of sophiscation to understand. already i find it fairly challenging at times, i can't comprehend how difficult it must be for them
met some cool people at castro's as usual, yay i think i found a model for my body series! :D now i just need to find a big bathtub.
went to borders and sat down to read. alas! no trashy magazines today, all sold out :( HOWEVER! i found another of those anne bishop blood 'trilogy' (more like series now) books and finished the entire book. plugged my ipod, took a deep breath and walked. sometimes i walk instead home with deliberate intensity, a kind of awareness that increases....it's like purposely getting yourself drunk. in the same way, i purposely push myself to a very very fine edge when i become so aware that even the strong smell of something (in this case, when i passed an italian restaurent) can make me nauseaously sick to the point that i nearly puked on the sidewalk. it's like a kind of awareness-but-not thing, i don't know how to explain it except that things affect me more and it triggers more easily
like say walking by i felt the scent of a foreign country and the spice of clove cigarettes reminds me of homesickness. the peaches i remember in the balcony and the feeling of nightwind: a cigarette crushed under heel sends dying sparks from the silohuette man in the street. things like that. the rhythm of things, a feeling of being alive. that the party girls laughing ran past me with a whisper of perfume, a reminder of youth, excitement and youngness at the same time.
stopped by torika bar for a drink; mandarin mint and scribbled words and a mysterious puzzle that shouldn't be solved. left shortly. then gathered myself and went to work.
i'm just tired now, i'll post it up tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:35 a.m.+
i feel slightly sick.
not physically (although that too, just coming back). i feel sick in a nervous, hyperactive way with my thoughts moving faster than the keys and words on the edge of a verbal vomit, a tip of tongue diehorria. i feel sick like dir en grey sick, like too many things under my skin aching to break free and the song that sings is a bloodsong and raging and it hurts so terribly to keep it inside, it hurts so terribly to hold it in and try try try to let the flood not break through. i let it write, i am its instrument. the bloodied face on the lake has a fleshy inside of spongey tripe, and the hand that rises from the red sea collaspes on touch, nauseaous; pull back and wait, choking on what gushes.
i hate this. i don't know what sets me off - maybe creative writing class? but i barely care about it. i mostly sleep/stone during it.
cool
is the feel of your hand
on warmed cheeks and the fevered dreams
rise from
sickened seas; regret
tastes like blood on tongue.
------
how softly it captures
a pinhole universe
wrapped and bottled
a shutter clicks:
light moves.
camera obscura?
------
my typing is degrading and i am scared. the magical charms of flying effiel towers and wishing stars stave off demons that crowd like promises i made and wanted to forget and nothing can make the past come back. i think of the night at the harbour and audy beside me and the kites that flew up and swayed down; fluttering like technicoloured hankerchiefs saying goodbye deep dive back down. the memory presses up again, i feel the sticky humidity, the feet dangling over the ledge and pink underwear and the reassuring next by, next to me, hold down and don't fly too high or you'll never come back. wax melts in sunshine, i know. maybe icarus did too.
a hawk's scream
echoes in ravines
as ravens dive, vultures wait
funeral audiences to a fatal play
front row canyon seats
make time for rab.bits
[nukume dori]
------
marmlade labels of
mom-speak
stories women told in kitchens
in plum jams and apple tarts and gingham tablecloth
sprinkled exaggarations coated with sugar
-did you hear?
-he married her
-did you hear?
-he hit her
-did your hear?
all living are fairies and all princesses are wives
and love-magic
will heal all purple-bruises and
mom will come back and live again
happily ever after.
i think of robin's eggs. bluebeard robin's eggs. softly they glow in darkness, peachskin and veined and full of -something- ready to burst but in wait and something will happen to it. or is it, that it will happen to us? what comes out of the glowing egg in woven baskets by women ran off with a head and curiousity with brothers who slayed her man?
love replica is pink to me. pink and black like a waltz, a floating carasoel in looming in darkness. i rarely listen to it because it gives me too many ideas, even yesterday looking at the photos i took i was horrified at myself, i was horrified at how much horror i could create, how much i took without seeing and only saw after the wait. i hear the ghostly laughter and the glass that breaks is the mannequin's hand on a bowl, the cage that is broken holds water and roses and the arms wrapped around his body are plastic as he whispers love to one of hollow body and lifeless skin.
breathe deeply and out
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:27 p.m.+
