random notation/explaination after flipping through my classmate's blogging habits

my class is weird *shakes head*
because I don't know who's reading this (now that josephine has found it) nor do I actually want to publicise the fact that I have one. I'm writing it out in slang. Too bad people.

Tomodachi ja nai desu.....----- wa, classmates wa, totemo ishindenshimasen.Demo, shikata nai. Shikata nai.....tomodachi wo sakarumi desu, especially -----. Shoushite, ikichigaindesu. Minna-san wakarimasen desu, wakarenai atashi ga kokoro...etoo....kodou youni. Ima wa, unadashi ja nai. I give up Pw'ferk'ya n'veli'thuya. Pw'ferk'ya. Et al, de kra'kacswoz. Ya min'thot kai'freyn de assluch. Fer'kers.

So okay. I ramble. judge ye not lest ye be judged
I just love to be reminded I have absolutely no class spirit
The truth is, I'm rude, insensitive to everyone in class Why?
because I have the right to be
What right, you ask?
I don't give silly excuses like poor family etc etc
Well, basically:It's because you're NOT me
It's not like I don't know I'm being rude or insensitive
I'm perfectly aware of what I'm doing, even if you don't realize it. I'm being intentionally rude if you haven't noticed.

I've never asked to be liked. I've never asked to be intergated either. Thus, egocentrism appears that you -think- I want to be with the class (which I don't) and take offence. You don't need to take offence. Just ignore me. I'm ignoring you and that won't really change no matter how much I moodswing across the entire arc of the pendulum.

On hindsight maybe I should've just explained to the class that I wasn't interested at all. And the truth is, there's nothing worth it anyway.

Scanning through their blogs
Their lives are as empty as mine
But I don't bother to pretend that I love everyone
Nor do I bother being chummy chummy when I don't really care.
Do they really care?
Do they really think of others?
Are they as close as they seem?
Naf. Naf. Naf.
It's a waste of energy to invest in friendships I'm not planning to keep. They have their own lives and circles of friends. Sure. Do your job. Be civilized. Don't fight. But you don't need *cough* class spirit to mantain that.

I just get so....distrubed when I read about people who just act happy all the time. There's no point. Who are you acting for? Yourself? Others? Or who you think are the Others? I can say I'm a horrible, mean, brutally-sarcastic person with a flexible moral/ethics code but at least, I've lead my life honestly without hypocrisy (unless practicing Sorcratic humour). Strength doesn't really come from how much you can hide from others, but rather, it comes from valuing the pain and expressing it to overcome it.

so what d'you really think I am?
self-pitying fool? *snorts*

Good riddence.

+tsu waited for you at 01:17 a.m.+

Pan-seared on the side

Listening to: nothfink ^^v

Hmnnn...overview as usual. Oh yeah, I got my schedule but I'm waaaay too lazy to go to my room and pick it up. Anyway. Will be out tomorrow to buy more books because uncle Marc is willing to splash money on me for book buying and I NEVER turn bookbuying down. I should get the Sonnets to Orpheus methinks.

School was usual. Stoned my ass off, concentrated on drawing, and ignored my teachers when I could. I'm a terrible student aren't I? ^____^ I quite think they deserve it occasionally. Photocopied Rachel's GP notes (which will save my un-GP self), prayed very hard that Mrs Sng wasn't marking it. Alright. I love to be contary anyway, let's practice some defamation by saying she's a lousy, terrible, utterly useless teacher with absolutely no sense of what learning really is and she's too stupid to realize it due to mental masterbation of her own egocentric self.

^___________________^
As they say, don't repress emotion xD

Slept during econs lect, I think there's an easier way of making me sleep now. All I need to do is to tape record a lecture of econs and play it before I'm supposed to sleep. Then I'll save cash and I won't need to go see doctors anymore. Yay! Cheers for practical economics! *prances* I think it's the sugar I ate today. Went for art, found out that LTC wasn't so bad. Good. I hate running. I hate jumping. I hate being made to jog around the track like a hamster. Most of all, I hate sunshine.

Unless it's for my plants that is.

Skipped lunch, skimmed through reciepe list and then slept. I'm thinking of baking right now. Those super-adorable fairy cakes with varhorla chocolate icing and a dimple of sugar. Or maybe I'll make those fat chocolate cookies (Toll House) bigger than the palm of my hand. Hmnnn...Gordon Ramsay's desserts are great. His almond biscotti (brought for picnic) was fairly popular, and I'm thinking of trying his Financers or Laugne eu Chat next.

Woke up and realized that my sis had disappeared and I had an awful cramp on my leg cos I slept weird -____-;;; so terrible. I'm happy with my superbedsheets though. I want to put the red cotton-santeen out ones next.

Anyway. Sis and mom came home with stacks of sashimi, which I dislike. I don't like all Japanese food btw. I can't stand raw fish/seafood for one thing. And jellyfish. Ahhh! JellydFISH! *dies* Took out my mini 9" frying pan, added some butter and a dash of sugar and proceeded to sear all the seafood.

Yes I do realize that it's a waste of good sashimi
On the other hand, I make freaky good pan-seared scallops with butter xD

It rocked!<3<3<3

The trick is to heat the butter (on high) until it turns golden brown, then lower the flame and add your ingrediants bit by bit. Searing takes roughly...10secs on each side, slightly pink in the middle and white on the outside. The remaining heat will cook the food to perfection, so you have to be careful not to overcook it. <3 Anyway. Seared scallops with salmon rocks. And pickles. ^______^

Went online, drooled at Kao and.........talked to audy. Yeah. Everything is okay now ^^ Surprising how fast it is, isn't it? But all is good, and we're changing for the better. I'm still keeping the risperdal handy though. 1. I'm not sure how long the attack might last once triggered. 2. Work pressure. Apparently, stress is one major trigger. *amused* Ahh....who ever said that people work best under pressure? Rubbish.

*rubs shoulder*
One day I'm going to make a hand with a rotating motor to massage my shoulders while I work. Battery-operated. All you need is a flexi-plastic hand, one of those pull-push motors (the kind you find in Tamaya cars) and a battery. Argh. No time to make. But it'll it dead useful. Push a switch and the hand kneads the flesh. Woohoo! (I could problably sell it as a sex toy too aahahahahahaha)

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:33 a.m.+

Cream soda

Can I wash my brush in your turpentine?
It's amazing how perverted it can sound when done right
Bah.
Someone should say that eating dinner at 10.54pm infront of a computer is depressing. Well. It is. Especially when you're talking to yourself like this.

School sucked. Stoned my ass off because I was too confused/anxious/frightened/lack of sleep/all angsty things. Gave in, then decided that Rachel Koh was right. *sighs* Signed up for LTC in the end, even though it clashes tremendously with my schedule and makes me terrifyingly busy the whole of my June holidays. It's problably a good thing anyway. When I work, I stop thinking. When I stop thinking, I stop angsting. Thus is a good thing.

Cause--->Effect--->Escape----->Respond to stimuli

Of course, it's always good to know that audy is happy somewhere. *shrugs* I'll bet she's laughing her way to jrock happiness.

I give up.

So in an effort to mantain a steady workaholic schedule (aka. drown myself in work) I'm not only working part-time and attending all miscellenous lectures, but I'm also painting for a friend (FREE! can you imagine?) 3 pieces of oils. Then I'm painting a bigger one of narcissus flowers measuring about 42' by 26' for my mom/whatever. Then besides all this actual painting and studying, I'm going to hang out at the bookshops and read finish my art history.

So it follows:
26th May - Uncle Marc
27th May - CLB + GP exam
28th May - LTC briefing
30th/31st May - Camp for P5
1st June - Lit lect/Math lect
4th June- Cosplay
6th to 8th June- LTC
15th June - Milk Run
-holidays-
Exams start again from 28th June (Econs)-5th July (Math 9033)

If anyone wants to look for me, call my home number or you can look for me in CJC, level 4, class 1TO8 (next to staircase) cos I'll be there through June methinks as the full schedule isn't out yet. Yea ^^ Actually the schedule isn't so much for other people as for myself, because I can't remember where I'm supposed to be and my blog is -always- online and convient. I wonder if anyone else uses it as a timetable?

Math sucks too. Did some trigo approximations, I got stuck at question 3. I'm going to fail if I continue like this darnit! *sulks* Got a B- for Lit too~ waiiii~ I wish I could be more merticulous and detailed about it. It's just so hard to concentrate, recall and analyse over and over again like clockwork. I know I'm consistent. I'm consistently bad at math, consistently average in Econs (surprise surprise) and consistently off the mark for Lit. The teachers don't understand why I can't seem to perform up to standard, and neither can I. It's strange because I -can- do it, I just can't tap into it. I just need to figure how to do things, adapt it into...well, JC life.

*distressed*
It doesn't help that I feel like I'm running about like a headless chicken.

Dopamine helps. So does small doses of anti-psychotics like Risperdal. I just end up feeling cloudly and dazed 3/4 of the time. On one hand I would dearly like to stop, on the other, I don't want to do anything rash at my current state of my mind.

It's disconcerting.

Anyway, I'm painting siamese fighting fish (Bettafish) in a series for Uncle Marc's house-warming gift. He likes fish and he likes blue ^^v Kinda influenced by Dugas and Sichele, so I'm thinking of doing an electric blue to back gradient using wet on wet technique with blur brushwork then adding strong streaks of unblended cadium red for effect. 2-Ding sounds fun, but I think I'll just add a side light source anyway.

It's going to be in neon colours for the background ^^;;
Yeah I know I'm kinda weird
Maybe I should try something else the next time I paint
I kinda like Richter and Leighton
More blurred effect? Knife painting? Monotype?
Hmnnn...questions questions.
I actually like monotype.
Has a weird printer-like mixed sponenaity which I like
So okay I do have a contradictory nature.
But that's what makes me intresting ne?
LOL.
Jeanne is painting this really cool Picasso-like skull though. It's tempting to do another skull. It's also temptin g to make a colour chart. And the idea of doing more plants actually bores me a little (unless you're paying) but I have a really gorgeous shot of it with a very pretty cream background and a wonderful warm sienna undertone that ties everything up. So okay. Finish the fish first, then decide later.

Okay I'm really tired and I have a test on P/C tomorrow along with my bloody unfinished Lit essay and Trigo Approx. I need sleep. Nights everyone

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:17 p.m.+

random note

I just realized something.........
What happened to eat?
and everyone else?
Engush? Protox? GA? AK? SK? Leareth!?
I need to get eat's email address darnit.
*dies*
I'll ask GA when he comes online then
OMFG I'm an idiot (as always)
Maybe I should just email him.
Righto.
*slaps self* how could I have forgotten them?
But then again, I never really did.
Ahahahaha... was reading eat's blog just now.
If eat ever reads this, yes I'm 17 now. lol
Seeya online ecat~ :P

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:42 p.m.+

And there are times

Listening to: Taiyou no Ao

There are times when I'm so pissed that I could stab people. Very very very much. It's just frikkin' exasperating sometimes when people just go "nth" or "wtv" and they expect you to second-guess them and read their frikkin mind. Look. No matter how wonderfully empathic I am or how good my observation skills are.

Comprehendo?

And people just don't take this seriously.
It's not just annoying, it practically drives me up the wall .
AND IT'S NOT FUNNY.
I mean it.
When I asked myself if there was any way anyone could break audy and I up it would problably be over this. You see, audy and I have it to an artform already. There's so many different kinds of silences in the universe now I know. There's hurt silences, pained silences, "wtv" silences, "nth" silences, used silences, old silences...etc etc. If it's possible, audy commuicates via sitting at a metaphorical corner, playing minesweepers and :D or lolx.

And I just want to give up sometimes
It's so exasperating to talk and talk and talk
And then realize that even if the person is listening, you're not getting an answer anyway.
It's not like a spur of the moment thing either
It's been happening for years
And everytime we fight
It's always about This

Like over and over and over again
She'll just look at it, smile, laugh, say "I know"
And it starts all over again
And everytime I push her and watch her slowly dissolve again
I just give up and say it's okay.
it's okay
because I think maybe she's not ready and I don't want her hurt
And I'm reaching my breaking point already

It's just so -hard- to make her understand.

And I think in the end-
Maybe it's a good thing she keeps pushing me away
then.........
maybe I'll just fall over and leave?
She doesn't convince me
But I think if I get pushed hard enough
Pushed away often enough
I could leave
Maybe not easily (it hurts shit more than kakyounin)
.........I don't know

I have 1.5 years left in SG after all
I'll be in US of A in 2008
To make it as happy as possible
hmnmnn...maybe not so possible
who knows?
liebe engel ist schreklich
liebe engel ist ---?
Wer?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:26 p.m.+

discuuuuuu

Listening to: Kasumi

Shopping is addictive :P
Hearing about other people splashing cash also makes me want to----
You Knoooow...
Spend cash too.

Woke up at 11am, made BLUE! jelly (which is the exact colour of Finding Nemo) and left the house reluctantly at 1pm after watching part of SixUgly Kingdom (darling I still can't find the Yokan bonus parts~)

Stuff I did
-Collected my discman :D
-Went to Kino, bought Grant Morrison's THE FILTH
-Checked for comic books, nothing cool
-Went to HMV, was going to buy WtD or Vulgar until I realized I only liked 1/2 the songs for Vulgar and felt bad for re-buying WtD
-Ended up with the Kasumi single with Fukai in it!<3
-Went to Popular bookshop
-Got my bro his black marker
-Couldn't resist: bought In the Shadows of Edgar Allan Poe
-Went home:D

Had yummy blue jelly with vanilla icecream smashed in it. Issa good yeah! <3<3<3 Okay it looked ghey and Totchi blue but tasted absolutely fantastic!

For all those looking for Yoko Kanno's Valse de La Luna from Wolf's Rain:

Valse de la Luna

Enjoy! But please don't kill my bandwith
^___________^

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 07:15 p.m.+

saganatsu

Listening to: Ruin Your Life - Abandoned Pools

Stuff to do:
-Trigometrical equations (2)
-Econs TYS
-Literature essay

Okay, back to me now.

Feeling a bit down, a little sway-ly and mood swingy after yesterday's high. *pouts* I miss aud I think. No Saturday fun. *sighs* My next Saturday would be free from 2pm onwards (if I'm still alive)......I'm -still- unsure over LTC. Should I? Should I not?

I'm so politcally correct sometimes I wish I wasn't so.

twinkling sighs of ivory piano
phantom waltzes; gilding across the wooden floor
your face hovers; lover-like
and I wish this'll never end

Tired.....audy isn't online.

Maybe I should just watch a movie *plops DVD*

Going to watch now

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:28 p.m.+

slightly pissed cos I lost my long entry

Fuck I just lost my whole entry.
*curses*
Brief rundown:
-woke at 7.30am
-went to woodlands
-met up with class and headed for evergreen
-facil training; showed off my shoplifting skills, I PWNZ j00!
-Lunch sucked. Inedible.
-More games; made lots of dirty "jiggly" pervy jokes
-Made more pervy jokes
-Made Angie laugh so much she choked but didn't die
-Training ended at 5.45pm
-Went to Causeway Point.
-Watched Coach Carter
-Freezed my arse off in the cinema
-Feel Good Disney movie; teamwork and hardwork will earn you glory and college scholarships for all black rappers. Amen bruther! *thwacks kao*
-Went to Mac's and Cold Storage.
-They are amazed I know how to cook.
-More amazed when they find out I can swear.
-Even more amazed when they learn I'm a delinquent.
-Lent Graham $20 (must remember to get back)
-Talked, joked, laughed and teased Jiaxiang about shaving his legs.
-He -REALLY- shaves his legs
-Took a train back
-Made more dumb inane lame jokes
-Took a bus back from Toa Payoh interchange
-Got home by 9.57pm! (my curfew is 10pm)
-Is sleepy.
-Talked to audy, <3<3<3 sorry dear so tired. >.<
-Is tired.
-Can't find Amakuchi files.
-Can't dl Amakuchi files
-:(
-Going to sleep till noon
-Sorry to sis but I really don't want to see him.

love and nights~
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:23 a.m.+

Spelunking

Listening to: nothing.

*drops over* It feels like 3 days in one....

Morning
Went for Sports Day which was dumb, stupid and a celebration of machoism (blah) Worst was that the juniors (us) were made to stand in a soggy field under the hot sun with no prior warning because the school is too misery to rent a proper stadium.

Saw Alex and Gloria, shared an umbrella. Then later Gloria and I decided to skip the main part of the darn thing by sneaking off to Serene Centre to have breakfast. 'Twas great. Had a lovely morning stroll down the Red Brick Path in Botanic Gardens, breakfast at Mac's then ice cream at Island Creamery. On the way back we got caught by Issac Lim, which dampened our spirits and got us lost that idiot of a man.

Really fantastic morning though

Returned to Sports Day (after hopping through Tienery's to get blue jelly), read my storybook while sitting at a nice corner. Saw Mr Fahy (FORDSHIP! XD XD). Okay. I admit it. I was flirting with him slightly. So what? Anyway, he's interested in what my obscure/obscene prose/poetry means. 'nteresting desu ne.

Ended at 1.30. BAH. I'm so sorry I'm late >.<

Afternoon
Rushed home, changed/showered swiftly then ran out, caught a taxi and rushed to meet audy. Walked to Cineleisure and watched Hyde star as himself in Last Quarter. It's basically a 2.5 hour long fanfic. With NICE clothes and NICER actors/actresses. The CG is better than usual though for the backgrounds. What can I say? It's a popcorn movie where Hyde sings in English!

'kay that was mean of me.

Evening/Night
Rushed home by 5.45pm, changed to my school uniform and RAN for the bloody 186 bus. Reached Queenstown about 6pm, then took a train to Tanjong Pajar. Met up other people at the station, then headed for the DBS auditorium.

It's some charity event for us to volunteer as ushers and stuff. *shrugs* but....OMFG! I saw so many people I know! (oragnized by IJ) Like my mom's friends, my primary school teachers, my secondary school teachers *sweatpour* And they all remembered me too. Like some big reunion party thing.

Saw Leandra (Singapore Idol) and Eunice Oslen who's apprantly some Very Important Politician. Whatever. I'm not interested, I treat everyone alike. Watched Leandra sing too, she's not bad but not enough stage prescene.

Since we were ushers and serving food, ended up eating lots of canapes as well, which ended up being our dinner. (cheesecake anyone?) Got a break the moment the show started, then rushed back into position once the intermission began. Not too bad an evening...

Then I met her! Like, OMFG!!!!! *dies* Aunty Grace!
*superflyingglompsquee!!*
I missed her so much!
I nearly started crying!
*hughughug*

Then we talked a bit, and she was happy that I had moved on after that incident. Well, she knows I haven't -really- moved on, but she's happy that I'm still alive. LOL. How strange that I feel exactly the same age as before after seeing her again. It's like a snapshot of my old self, melding and fading into the distance as myself waves. I miss her very very very much.....I think, besides audy, she's the only person that can understand me.

I think of the night she welcomed me in when no one wanted me, I think of the orange lights and dim shadows as they faded on the ceiling, the cold linonem floor, the melting Mars bar by the stand, the smooth tiles on the floor and how desperate I was. And she cared. She didn't know me except by a single voice over the phone and yet she let me in. She didn't care whether I was good or bad or plain evil and didn't preach about God and all that stuff. She just listened and cared to listen and that was enough.

No one ever did this for me before.

And when I look at her, so frail-looking at 70 I can't help but feel that she's stronger than I am, mentally and physically. And...I think I love her too.

Anyhow I'm helping her paint the walls in June ^^

It's an odd sort of wistfulness, remembering. When I saw her, I just felt like the same way I felt before, and perhaps, always felt. A little lost, a little terrified and pretty tired of living. It's not sucide or anything, it's just tired. Can you understand that? That....heartaching feel that seems to make you sad and happy at once in a painfully acute sensation. Point being, she understood. But not only did she understand how I felt, but she really cared enough to ensure I was alive (at least during that time)

It was wonderful meeting her. Thank you.

Tomorrow I'll be at camptraining, 9am to 6pm at Woodlands. Going to sleep now, night~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:38 p.m.+

Waiiii.~~~

Some bad news: I can't for June cosplay. Why? Quote: "As the representatives of the school, we're all sending you for a leadership camp from 6th June to 8th June."

I'm kinda surprised I got in to the leadership camp
I mean they kept on yakking on how important this thing is
And how it is a privilege blah blah
Top 15% of the school or wtv. I don't get it really
What's so much of a privilege to run 15km with metal weights?

*is grumpy*
I planned to cosplay with audy~! *waiiiii~*
That means we have to go for another one instead.
(which would problably be cosfesta or Shiro Tsubasa)

Anyhow it gives me more time to make the costume/wtv

Today was okay-ish. Was high during CLB (tired+sleepy), then crankily lost my temper at Glen because that frikkin idiot didn't finish his PI and was causing my ENTIRE group to stall. So I did it for him. He owes me bigtime. *grouses*

Watching Last Quarter tomorrow with audy. ^-^ Yay~ LOL. Hopefully I can finish Spiral too cos damnit, Eyes looks like Riku!!!! <3 <3 <3 The silver hair, blue eyes and super-angst aura. Araaaghhh issa so fun! I luff the series~ Maybe I should burn a copy for audy too~

Okay, I need to finish my essay and watch Spiral.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:07 p.m.+

Timetable

Dead busy this week and next, here's where I'll be (roughly) and the programme from this week as well as things to do. Yes that means I won't be online much. *sighs* Or get any sleep for that matter.

Tonight
-Literature essay (I'm redoing it 'cos I think it sucks)
-PI for A levels
-GPP for A levels
-Econs DRQ + TYS'

Thursday
-school ends at 2pm
-Literature extra-class, 2pm-3.30pm
-Art (glue ribbing + add paint) 3.30-4.30ish
-Dentention (2hrs) OR movie OR go home
-Bring Rilke, M&M's and Fables for CLB

Friday
-Sports Day, 7.15 to 11-ish, SMU stadium
-BREAK-
-DBS Auditorium, 6.30 - 10++ Children's Fundraising (usher duty)

Saturday
-Faciliator Training, 9am - 6pm Woodlands
-Aunty Huimin's wedding, send congradulations.
-Dinner with dad (?)

Sunday
-Sleep till 12noon (call and die)
-Tuition, 4.30pm to 7.30pm
-Docu-movie at Parliment House, Edward Munch 8.30-10.30 (*maybe)

Monday VESAK DAY!!
-Get back my discman from Wisma Atria
-Watch a movie if I haven't
-Do some random shopping
-Finish schoolwork
-Start fic-writing
-Go look for a bloody tailor

Tuesday
-School ends at 3.30pm
-Art Club (exhibition opens), 3.30pm-5pm(?)
-Art class (Blk 43), 7pm to 10pm

Stuff to Do:
-Call magazine companies
-Buy equipmemt for paper making
-School T-shirt design competition
-Libaray's Request for mural; draw sketch
-Enviromental Society's "A little Green" project
-Art Club exhibit
-Leadership Training Camp
-Sign up for tutorials in holidays (esp. Econs/Math)
-Get my discman back -____-
-Start painting the "FISH" theme/source pics
-Fic-writing

Reminders
-Eat. Stop skipping/eating at wrong times
-Try to sleep as much as possible (lectures don't count)
-Whatever you do, do your best (eg. no shit essays)
-Top up farecard.
-Take cash from mom and other people who owe you
-Order from Kino: In the Shadows of Edgar Allan Poe
-Don't go online so often
-Study for your GP exam
-Stop playing so much
-Stop skipping school
-Stop going for detention and wasting time
-Don't watch cooking shows.
-Don't listen to jrock and CONCENTRATE!
-Take a deep breath, and calm down.
-------------------

Okay I flunked Math, but I passed Econs! Yay! With a decent grade too~ I have 17/25, which is roughly a 68 which is a B! So okay, my aims aren't unreasonable~ Hoping for a B in Econs, C in Math and A in Lit so I can qualify for S paper (see? I'm masohistic, I want more work) Oh yeah, Mr Fahy liked my entries for the poetry/prose competition LOL. Why am I not surprised?

And my teacher flunked me for GeneralPaper
*sighs*
23.5/50....what a stupid b*tch
Anyway the passing mark for AO is 22, so I sort of passed. But not passed well that's all.

Going to take a nap soon, so later I can complete my essay, PI and GPP. Esp GPP and PI because they're 10% of my A level scores.

PS. Brought sculpture to school, and no one understands it. *sighs* how........typical.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:04 p.m.+

Summerberry Creams

Yoz I'm still alive *crawls*
Barely...

Monday
Ran 7 rounds in the rain, froze my arse off in the process and I think all P.T teachers are sadists. PT, physical training is actually Phyiscal Torture. Right. I hate sports. Now you know. I think that sports is one of the dumbest, useless things in life unless you're planning to endorse an advertisement after the Olympics. Or maybe when you look like Anna Kornikova.

Rushed to Holland Village because the stupid school won't take my letter of excuse because school should be every students' top piority. WTF. Let me tell you something, "school" comes from the greek word for "leisure" not "prison-cell conformism". So if I want to do painting and leave the insituite early it's also school damnit.*curses* YOU IDIOTS.

The tailor is cash-ripping happy. 'Nuff said.

Dragged audy to help me with the sculpture. Good thing: we work faster together Bad thing: we do things differently. I like mine deconstructed, torn edges and lots of fluffy bits and mucked colours. She likes it neat and tidy in alternate colours which sort of spoilt the effect. But then again, I asked her to help. *sighs* Ah well. Thanks dear~ *huggle*

Had ice cream, went home and started on my Huxley essay. OMFG IT'S HORRIBLE!!!!!! *dies* It's so horrible it's unbelievable! I want to rewrite it! I wasn't in the mood for it, and I was really tired...

Anyway, I hit the requisite 1000 words. Ha.

Tuesday
Missed 1/2 of school 'cos I was sick but I really wanted to go for lit class, so I figured I wasn't that sick anyway. So I went for Lit. Yay!

Rushed down to Spotlight to buy cloth, hung around Times bookshop then went down to the studio for art class. Dropped by Aunty Iris and Aunty Humin cos she's getting married to EK and yay! Congrats! No fluffy white gown eh? It's cheaper to elope apparently.

Painstakingly pieced the stuff for my sculpture together, I nearly gave up but didn't. Redid audy's parts because well.........it didn't fit. It's like everything else is messy-looking with a sort of romantic gothicism and smack in the middle is this precise neat arrangement. So I added a bit more, layered a bit more and finally finished both sides. *relief* It looks really cool now, because I fixed the base of it, as well as the body of it. It looks much much better now. Janine thinks it's creepycool, so does Mr James.

I'm going back to oil painting after this I swear.
It's just too tiring to do it.

I realized something interesting while doing it though, I found out I don't really want my family or friends see what I'm drawing or making. Even letting audy help out, I was kinda uncomfortable about it, as if -something- had accidentally invaded my personal personal space. *dislikes* It's like since they're with me all the time, they don't really understand/appreciate the effort or the idea I'm presenting because they're used to me already.

I'm not inviting my sis or mom to see it either.

*feels unappreciated* Bah.

On the other hand, I don't mind the people in my art class seeing it cos hey! They know what they're talking about, and they actually -care- about the idea I'm presenting. Everyone else just goes "uh huh" and look away. Anyway, I'm going back to canvas painting after this. First is because it's too much work, second is because I have spare canvases, third is because people don't appreciate it anyway.

Plus I want to do studies on fighting fish.
In NEON (hah!)

Slightly annoyed at audy. The screen is beginning to waver and my eyes hurt >.< I suppose it's inevitable. *shrugs* What can I say to compete with Japanese class? As much as you dearly enjoy speaking/writing/using it, it's pretty rude to speak in Japanese when you know I don't understand. And I don't want to keep a dictionary or keep on asking you to clarify either, it's pretty unnessescary cos you can speak english as well. And no matter how much you "WTV" it, it matters.

Right I'm oversensitive and pessimistic.

I'm just really really really tired
I'm tired of people asking things from me
I'm tired of breaking unwritten school rules and going for detention.
And the workload is horrifying.

I mean when you read it off my blog you think "Ooo that's bad" but since you're not me, and you don't really have to do it you don't really understand what is like to be actually -doing- it and racing to complete deadlines.

And I just really want a holiday.

Saturday I'll be at a training camp for faciliators
Sunday I have to watch a documentry on Edward Munch

*falls over*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:40 p.m.+

hahahahaha

Orkus Interview, Dir en Grey:
HERE

Skim through it and read Kao's answers...then find out why Shinnypoo likes dogs!!!o.0

*snickers*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:58 p.m.+

Happy Shiny People

Listening to: REM - Happy Shiny People

I have a slegdehammer of a headache >.< forgive me for spelling and things okay?

Picnic
Really nice, walked alot because there was far too many people and they were landscaping the area so we had to avoid the construction work. ^^ Had sandwhiches and shortbread with green tea and chocolate <3~ Watched the sky and it felt like a good change from going to town every week. After a while, it's just boring going to the same place over and over again. Picnic is nice. Now I know what to make and what to bring, so it'll be easier the next time round. Hopefully, we can make it into a monthly thing when we're sick of going to the same places over and over again.

:P And we found a yellow Japanese vending machine!

Joo Chiat Complex

Long bus ride. Very long bus ride. Watched the window, realized I don't know half the land of Singapore because I'm such a city slicker. LOL. P'haps one day we'll go exploring Geylang and everywhere else no? Nearly got lost, but found the place in the end. Lots of curtain shops >.< and...

I'm so sorry! We should have gone Spotlight first!

Spotlight

Headed to Spotlight, bought more material and some really pretty tartan material to sew skirts with ^_______^ I'm making a pink skirt yay! Got my cosplay material too. I'm cosplaying pajamas-Shia from Pita-ten. Why? Because it's dead easy and I can alter it to a jacket or sell it on ebay after I'm done with it. Most likely I'll turn it into a jacket/shirt. Selling on ebay isn't really my kind of thing.

Got home late, but it's okay cos dad cancelled the dinner anyway. *shrugs* You shouldn't have worried about it because I figured he would've done it anyway. Why? Because my brother was going out with his girlfriend and he favours my bro so I know that he would've just made an excuse not to see me and sis. Pretty neat huh?

-------------

*dunks panadol*

I'm sleepy and it's raining outside again and audy if you don't get online by 11pm I'm sleeping cos the screen is beginning to look too funny and ow bright. *_* Paaainnnnn....However I *did* have fun today and I'm happy and *glompglompglomp* see you on Monday at the bustop, and want to help me with my sculpture on due on Tuesday and I dunno if I can finish and you're free right?!?!

*glares sleepily*

After that we can watch Last Quarter or something cos class ends at 5pm and maybe you can call your mom and I can call my mom and we can watch it yay!

Okay nights~

Love<3<3<3 *huggles*
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:38 p.m.+

Checklisting

Listening to: Symphony of Blase - Anberlin

I'm cosplaying.
It's offically here now.
So all you people who read will now know
Doing Pita-Ten, lol
At most I'll get to walk around Orchard in pajamas
Looking really funny hanging off Kyo
Who will be *problably* glomped, photographed and pushed into yaoi situations to death.

Didn't want to go to school today, and fought about it. It was one of those days just started wrong, ended up weird. Walked through some jungle for PE (most pointless), finished my crappy Econs MCQ disasterously, flunked Math again, powerpoint for Blake lecture got slaughtered, wandered around the damned school for 30mins looking for the Editorial Society......Today was just wrong. Why don't people understand that tactical retreat is just as useful as offense?

Sometimes I think I should hang a signboard: Emotional Crisis Warning on my forehead. I seem to be able to self-destruct myself with regularity, and drag everyone else with me

Even people I've barely known.
Take Gloria. Truth is, I don't know her very well yet I drag her into my untidy messes and she ends up entangled and dealing with my ranting, tears and tempremental behaviour. And I seem to be able to induce emotions on people who are usually blase and indifferent. Like Mr Fahy. I think he regrets not paying attention when I asked for help in the beginning of term, so I just shut him off. I'm very good at that. So far, I've even managed to get him to apologize. And because close contact to me tends to invoke guilt, I've even gotten him to -compliment- me.

I'm very good at holding grudges.

But I'm happy at Editorial. In a better than average way at least. It's not like bonkerly happy, but at least it's better than sheer boredom.

I'm a valued member of every society.
How ironic that the truth is, I don't care.
*smiles bitterly*

Went home, yelled at my sis, resigned myself to doing it myself while my sis took the compliments (as usual). I don't get it anymore. She cooks. I cook. But it doesn't nessescarily mean she cooks better than I. I cook more often than she does, I think. And it isn't anything planned or eleborate. I just chuck and fry. Does that make me a worse cook? Not really. My almond shortbread came out perfectly delicious.

Even though I'm looking forward to tomorrow's picnic, I'm pretty sure it will end up like this:
-meet
-feel initially happy
-audy speaks in Da Monosyablles
-aimlessness again
-tsu glomps audy (note: always me first)
-ask what's wrong
-get the usual "nothing"
-silence silence silence
-begins to wonder if it's worth it
-spirals down to disappointment
-right at the end audy does some nice gesture
-tsu feels happy and wanted again
-by that time it's 5pm and we have to get home

That, by the way, has been the pattern for the last few weeks. I think I'm tired of decision-making or something. I have to decide my financial plans, my PW group (of which I'm the leader of), CCAs (art, enviro and editorial) all of which I have some position in. At home I can't even have a day off without people telling me bathe, change and do homework or asking for something.

Rant alert!
I'm just really really tired
I'm tired of people asking me things
Then I have to repeat over and over again
"It's Your Choice"
What part of those 3 simple words do they not understand?
I don't know anything about boyfriends (wrong person to ask) or schooling modules or why green looks better than blue or whether I should cosplay or not. Stop asking. Make a choice and stick to it damnit.

*huffs*

Why do I *always* have to make choices for others?
Everything from project planning to deciding on colour.

Of course I'm dying to let someone else do it. Why else do you think I enjoying playing uke? Because I'm tired of doing it for others. It's like you become responsible for them now. Let's say they ask you whether green looks better or blue looks better on a dress. You pick blue. You find out that the boyfriend HATES blue. Thus you get blamed for it. Lots of people do various forms of this choice-pushing.

*sighs* Okay, rant over. You can climb out of the rocks now.

Zara and Steffi are in editorial. That could be problably why I liked it.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I joined it for my devious reasons eg. beef up resume

this is our last goodnight

I just feel so hopeless

Anyway, since the picnic's on tomorrow and I -still- want to do a good thing out of it, here's my checklist:
-picnic basket
-almond shortbread
-egg sandwhiches
-honey cakes
-sketchpad and charcoal
-umbrella

Just in case you forgot, it's the bustop before Tyersall Ave.. Meet at 12noon And don't feel bad. You do hug me. Over MSN that is....but it's the thought that counts right?

Ocasionally I feel like Shuuchi from Gravi. Must be the druggie music.

Okay lottery: how many days do you think people will remember they're promises to me made this week?

Remember! Betting pool starts at 2 lies.

love :D
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:56 p.m.+

Kuro~rin!

Listening to: ANBERLIN!!!<3<3<3

Me loves Anberlin <3
Kao has good taste~!
It's so good even my sis likes it
And it sounds like DeG too! In English!

Finally finished the competition entries ^^v One for prose, one for poetry. Since I'm more or less saying "fuck it" to the system, I've decided to go the extreme. The themes are: Forbidden Fruit and Possible Worlds. After writing a decent if immensely meandering prose, I thought: "Since I'm never going to win, why not be as disgusting as possible?!?" xD xD

After all, I have Kyo, Kirito and my own sick imagination at my disposal. Thus, here we have:

Possible Worlds
Forbidden Fruit

I'm weirdly happy over the fact that I'll not win (too obscene, too obscure.)
LOL.
Rebelling has never been so fun~:D

Finished my errand-running today. Opened my fixed account (for future use), sent my discman for repair (yay!warranty!), saw audy in her class, collected my Anberlin CD, visited MisExclusive (and got a kao pic!) checked Kino for Fables. Lovely weather, so it wasn't too hot to run around doing stuff in town. *sighs* The only thing left is to visit Gu Jie (my aunt) at the factory.

You see, I'm entitled to collect $200 every month from the family trust fund. However, because my family contains sadistic evil people who enjoy seeing bastards eg. me suffer humilation by making us run all the way there and back. WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?! I mean you could just wire the cash over to my account. And what really irks me is that my cousins don't need to go to the factory to collect, only my side does because my parents are divorced (and my grandma hates us and my dad, who, btw, owns the damned company anyway).

I suppose there's some sort of power-kick to exert control over children. Sickos.

So we have to go all the way to Tuas just to collect it.

I don't want to.
I hate this kind of thing.
I absolutely do not enjoy being used like this.

There's just something wrong with these people

Playing favourites indeed.
Reason #1067436 Why NOT to have a family business.

Anyway, I'm not desperately in need of money at the moment. And if I collect it in 6 months' time, I'll get $1,200 + $600(March April May) which is just nice because my fixed deposit account would have just expired. Then I can re-deposit $1,600 + $5000++ (current + 0.375% interest) and keep the leftovers for my own personal use. Maybe next year I'll start an investment plan or something.

*ponders* When I went to the bank today they were extremely surprised that a 17-year-old could calculate investments and interest rates because usually it was the parents who bought plans for the children, not children who did it themsleves.

I suppose it goes to show that deep down, I'm a sensible, stable citizen of this misbegotten country.

I can't apply for the plan until I'm 19 though, so I'm resorting to fixed desposits. *pouts* I want my cash to grow! Regenerate! Reproduce! I want a plan B just in case I get disowned for whatever reason eg. not bootlicking shiny enough.

*sighs* So bloody practical of me

Well, I have a Lit assignment to complete, Econs tutorial to do and a PW to complete. On top of that, I have to listen to Sardia bitch about me (hey you know...my headphones...I can still hear you 'cos you're too frikkin loud) *amused* Sometimes I wish I had audy's deathglare, then people might finally leave me alone.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:30 p.m.+

Some interesting developments

School: Not so bad, I love my CL class to the point that we're considering holding a party except that we're too slack to plan. Wailed over my math again, not matter how much I try I can't seem to get it right. I just don't understand it. At all It's a foreign language to me.

Surprisingly (or actually, not.), Glen is really good at it so I get to copy his homework in exchange for lit notes. Yeah, he's a gemini. *makes rude snorting sounds* I know I know....shouldn't be mean to people.

Had lit, did Roethke. Mr Fahy is so nice! He thought last week I mentioned Roethke so when we did his poem today he asked me if it was him I was referring to. I said no, pulled out Rilke and showed it to him. He likes Rilke too! <3<3<3! And when I wistfully mentioned that maybe we should do it for Lit Prat he was like "maybe". <3<3<3 How could anyone think he was psychotic?

I think if he was 40years younger and I'll be really interested in him. And I think he feels the same way too.

Mrs Sng really drove me up the wall though. *breathes* Must. Not. Fight. MUST NOT FIGHT! *counts to 10*

Ah...so few people can irk me like that.

Felt a little bad when Mr Fahy ragged Glen and Graham so I decided to help out. I'm tutoring him now. *sighs* I hate geminis. *sighs* I hate dense geminis who repeat back excatly what I said without understanding. Unlike econs or math, understanding is the most important thing.

So. Please don't lie to me. I know when you do. Your bullshit simply *reeks*

Skipped art class, too tired and drained. Still haven't finished my poem for "Possible Worlds". Strangely enough (or maybe not), Rachel Koh guessed I'll be doing that theme. LOL. I suppose in a way I'm somewhat predictable.

Mr James sounded sad when I called him to say I wasn't coming though. *feels guilty* I'll make up by being extra nice and hardworking next week.

Watched Ferran Adria. One word: GENIUS. T_T he's so yuramekified that I feel uncreative watching him. He's just too good.....*sniffles* Ah well. We need more people like that. *admires*

------------------

Cosplay.

I really *really* have to get over my natural grudge-holding, passive-aggressiveness. Because I love audy. And because reality is hitting faster than a drummer's beat. And because real-life is being a pain in the nether reigions.

I'm hoping (pushing actually) for audy to join SGfest cosplay because then at least I'll be able to make her happy and go for one cosplay with her. LOL....darling, don't lie. I know you want to so don't feel guilty about it and don't deny it either. You have a "cosplay"ish sense I've never been able to acquire. LOL.

Brings to mind a lot of things however....
Old fears and questions....

I told myself when I quit cosplay I would never set foot on anything organized by SCC or Shiro-Tsubasa (MAC). Never. Ever. I hated the people, how they were so open-minded yet derided other because of looks. How they valued beauty over everything else. And most of all, I just didn't fit in. Too sensible. It still strikes me as funny that me, a freak of society, couldn't even fit in with other freaks. So that made me a misfit in BOTH ends of the social spectrum.

It was like a betrayal of everything that you dreamed of.

How could people be so...hurtful?!

And then the mega-dramas, the backstabbing, the paranoia...I drove myself insane with...emotion(?) Then when Lionel killed himself by jumping off the roof, I just woke up. This Has To End I couldn't take the emotional insecurity + verbal/non-verbal abuse anyway. You could say I was over-sensitive to this. When you're not beautiful and you join cosplay, cosplayers usually make it explicit that you're not beautiful and you can't help but hate yourself for it.

I just got sick of it and left
With my sanity still somewhat intact.

So I'm not cosplaying anymore.

However...
I can't stop audy.

I used to be scared because I thought cosplayers would take her from me ^^;;; sad right? Because I know deep down that she'll make an fantastic one and in the end, with all these adoring people (Rika, Tessie, Bernadette...etc etc) she'll forget I ever existed and that would be the end.

In a way, I'm facing up to what I really fear most
Is it benefical? I don't know
I'm not cosplaying though
One victory is more than enough for me
And I have my hands full in JC anyway

Redemption? Forgiveness? Benediction?
*snorts*
Not yet.
But closer

But hey! Think about it~ At least I'm finally letting go of audy....No longer an obsessive manic freak. *sighs* shikatanai~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:22 p.m.+

YAY YAY YAY!

YAY I FINIALLY FINISHED MY BLAKE ESSAY!!!!!!! *cheers*

3 hours.
This has to be the most time I've ever had to finish ONE essay. In which I found out just how much I detested Blake. I really don't like him. For me, he has utterly zero poetic sensibilities because everything is so...flagrantly infront of your face that it because no fun to read his poems. Oh yes, he does have his occasional strokes of brillance, but I STILL don't like him.

Like....arrgghhh...phallic imagery...arrrgahhh
He makes sex seem as interesting as washing socks

don'tlikehimdon'tlikehim *grouses*

Got caught for dentention today, well, bad luck really. I forgot to bring my tie (of all days!) and I had been carrying it around all week too and ARRGHH! Today I forgot and BAM! detention. It's not so bad really, finished reading the first, second, third, fourth and eight elegies of Rilke, 2 chapters of Slow Chocolate Autopsy and skimmed through Fables once more. My translated version for Rilke is REALLY GOOD though, the guy managed to keep to the iambic for the eighth elegy and most of ths structure as well complete with note translations behind. My only problem is diction. For instance, I read the first line as "Whom, if I cried aloud, might hear me - among the angel hierachies?" He translated "Engel Ordunnus" as "Ranked angels" but I prefer "angelic orders" or "angel hierachies". Other than that, it's pretty sound. The parentheses in the second elegy are particularly beautiful ne~<3

If you haven't realized, the second elegy is my favourite.

It's kinda cool that my chinese class has people who read Rilke and Parachett ^____^ Really happy about that. It was nice of Gloria to accompany me during detention too, which I am grateful for because I die of boredom really easily. To rephrase:
The youth are the immortal
And immortals' greatest foe is ennui

Lent her my Brave New World notes, considering she has an AWFUL lit teacher for it. Mrs Sng. *sighs* She teaches me General Paper, but she's so frustratingly narrow-minded that I can't help but feel more than usual irritation.

Went home, slept till dinner then started on my godforsakened essay. It sucks. It contains highly-evolved bullshitting. Most of which doesn't even make sense to me *dies* On the other hand, it's exactly what the teachers want. Ah well.....comprendo de comprehendo right? LOL.

Have art class tomorrow, you know the drill.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:46 p.m.+

Let's see......

Listening to: The Perishers - Let There Be Morning

Reading/Flipping through Slow Chocolate Autopsy (Iain Sinclar) It's a beautiful book really, gorgeously dense langauge packed with a lovely deconstructed syntax with plenty of imagery and a sprinkling of salty sardonic humour. I'm not really reading it yet, too tired. But I think it's beautiful anyhow. Wonderful language <3 And I still have Rilke to finish.

Went out with Audy on sat, where else could we have gone but the bookshop? Bought a copy of Duino Elegies (Rainer Maria Rilke). Yes, it's a MAN. No, it's not Theodore Rilke and they're not related. Yes, he's dead. No, he didn't kill himself. And no, this wasn't his last work (Sonnets of Orpheus was).

It has a really ugly cover though. Ew. Bright orange. I'll have to do something about it. I would've bought the beautiful grey-blue one with nice print, except that it costs more and the translations were SO POOR. God. Preschool translations with no nuances or sound to speak of.

I need to get the Sonnets to Orpheus though~
My instinct says they're meant to be read in tandem

Went to HMV next and bought a CD, The Perishers which sounds like Blur + Coldplay. Very nice, very good for ficwriting. LOL. Sometimes I think I'm less of a poet than a industurious salesperson because I'm so bloody concerned with properierty that I forget about the -essence- of things. That is, sheer emotion.

Kor came home from army, got kicked out of his room. Finished Harry Potter yet again and now had a secret desire to re-read all the Snape/Lupin junk I always had a weakness for. How much more angst can you get out of those two? So wonderfully sad T_T I like it though. Snape/Lupin tends to have pretty good writers that are above average on most counts.

Sunday. Rained the whole morning, which I missed most of since I woke in the afternoon. Finished my Econs project, decided to skip my Lit assignment (because I -do- dislike Blake) Anyway, I doubt anyone in class would have finished it. I know what to write anyhow, *shrugs* good thing I pay attention during lectures. The other teacher doing Blake is an evangelist. A CATHOLIC evangelist. *dies* The way she interprets Blake's poems make me want to spit blood and die. HOW COULD YOU COMPARE HIS HEAVEN TO A *&#%! JESUIT HEAVEN?! It's just so wrong! Blake never liked the church. In fact, Blakean innocene and Gardenic (as in Eden) innocene are two seperate states of innocene.

Thank god my lecturer has more sense.

I might not like Blake much, and he's waaaay overused in fanfiction. (If I see another extract from "The Pebble and Clod" I will kill myself) Everyone from Harry Potter to Gundamn to jrock uses "The Pebble and The Clod." Look people, this is one sexually deprived wanker okay? He rhymes "blossom" with "bosom" and uses dumb stuff like "worms" darting into "roses" as phallic imagery.

I'm not even going to say anything about the "merry sparrow" who is "swift" and "hard" *gags*

Went for tuition, finished part of my trigo identities. I don't like trigo. I hate trigo formulae. I hate hate hate it. You don't believe how much I detest it? Ask audy. I used to do obscene graph drawings involving naked women and lesbianism. How cool was that? lol. *sighs* I'm just not mathematically inclined I guess, and here I am taking uni-level math! Ahhh....irony. (there seems to be so much of you these days)

Okay I have school tomorrow.
Nights' all.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:14 p.m.+

Which just goes to show...........

Listening to: Yoko Kanno + Taiyou no Ao

SITE UPDATED!!! GO LOOK!!! Here

My layout PWNZ j00!xD xD xD
It's just so cute isn't it?
Ahahahaha...no one would expect it to be on sad angsty unloved jrock/anime fics. Or original ones for the matter.

Went to OCS today, trekked around learning dumb propaganda. The best part of the day was the shooting part in which I had fun shooting blanks, shooting paintballs out of various guns. Yay for grenade launchers!!<3 <3 I like the SAFs too, they have laserguides and telescopes! *eye glitter* Sniping!

Tiring though......the entire trip lasted over 4 hours.
Ended up sleeping on the bus and getting a headache+neck crank.

Went back to school and to our horror, Graham (classmate) had accidentally lost the classkey so we couldn't take our bags and stuff! And it was barely 100m away! Searched like mad, to the point that we desperately tried to call a locksmith then in the end the principal came to our rescue with a skeleton key. ^^v Thank goodness~

It was about 8pm when I got back home.
Had dinner and tea, sis had a headache too.
But since I promised to update my site (even if it kills me), I went online and did the nittygritties. I'm glad it turned out so pretty ^_____^ It does look sweet and innocent doesn't it?

Lots of homework due next week. My econs project and lit project is due on Monday and I have a Chinese test sometime during the week. I hope Mr Fahy doesn't take it to do a test on Brave New World. I really don't have enough time to study, even though I'm pretty sure I know what questions will come out. My class is pretty obvious like that.

Meeting audy tomorrow to pass her more junk, my sis and her are having secret illegal animetrades. LOL.

I think today I realized that for sure I would never truly get along with my classmates. I just feel uncomfortable around them. Usually I'm sort of sunshiny-happy but around them I just feel awkward. I just don't know how to connect to them. They might admire me for my "talents" but they don't like me. Not naturally anyway. It's almost like the moment I stop helping them I'll disappear and not a single one would notice. I feel like I'm talking to myself at times.

Which I problably am.

I tried today. I really did. I helped them out when they were stuck. I talked. Then I just gave up in the end because I couldn't stand it. It's hurtful damnit. And I'm no emotional masohist. They just don't get my meaning. Like Sardia. I tried explaining to her, but the only thing in her mind is "I'm Allowed to Be Angsty Because I have an ARRGANGED MARRIAGE!" That's the thing she only talks about! I give up! *exasperated*

And I got called "cute" again *dies*
I'm 17 for heaven's sake.
cute. cute? Cute?!
It's one of the 2 things I agree with Kyo.
"Cute" is the most irritating adjective invented.
Second being that exercise is CRAP.

I am not cute.
I flatly disagree with anyone who calls me ugly and adorable.
*slient fuming*

Pw'ferk'ya!

I might look like 15, but that doesn't give you the right to ruffle my hair, poke me or touch me in any way. See? Visual contradiction. Yet another reason why I hate pictures. No one ever believes me.*sighs* Do I really have to wear black, have thick glasses and look angsty to be a believable person? God. The funniest thing is that I actually have PEOPLE sending me RPs of my fanfics.

PS. Audy you should really take a look at the KyoxShinya A Place of Your Own RP done by some people I don't know.

The world is a big weird place.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:27 a.m.+

Question

I wish I didn't know that people had souls.
Maybe then I'll feel less terrible after hurting them.
*stabs you stabs me*
Okay. Aspirin. la pronto
Over-reliance on drugs? mayhaps.

In the blue light of the jaded sun shines
I wander-
Lost in the haze of spiderwebs dreams
Of sepia-toned yesteryears that chime
In windsong

The more I clutch desperately to what was
Makes me less into what is
I need to stop dreaming. I need to start working.
I have no right to complain: I'm not the only one
So...why?
Why the wallowing of self-pity? urgk. I hate myself.

Sounds of old blues drift
A cacphony of thoughts; a jumble
-delicate breaks of a gramaphone needle-
How the song makes me think of you
-your face your eyes your smile-
How you make me think of this song

The way we used to sing
The way we used to laugh
The way we used to dance
Forgotten merry joys of long past
-the smile that lights my face is of you-
Lifting the dark clouds in my mind
And I dream of you
So tantalizingly
So echantingly
So fascinatingly real that I reach out and touch
-vanishing-
The wetness beaneath my eyes.

Sometimes you just wonder why people are just so inanely stupid. Like the stupid folly on Easter Island. Talk about death of civilization.

The gravity of a lie

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:33 p.m.+

In case of sheer gravity

In this case of sheer gravity
The weight that draws us near
Heavyness, the sinking feeling
Falling deeper and deeper into
Our love

One word: mmmmmmsnnnscherf

I've become really corny lately, making up sappy (re:lame) poetry (can it really be considered?) that reads like teenage romance-novels except that I generally hate writing sex. (unless I'm sick, late or dead) Gloria's reasoning: I need to get laid, pronto bueanos. -_______-;; I don't agree of course. I simply think it's overexposure to the phallic-ickyness of William Blake.

*sighs*

Oh the pressure....
To feel melachonly over nothing
But nothing is something isn't it?
After all, anti-space is also a type of space
Even though it might be the antithesis of it

Let's see....school today...Tiring. Deadening. I suppose openly telling the class that I don't want any attachment with them at all has made them try even harder if possible. Project-wise, I now have 4! godforsakened projects. One on Alternative Papers, which the teacher has superhigh hopes for, so it's under scrutiny by at least 3 teachers. Another is my Econs project, which is due next week. Then I have a 1,200 thesis on William Blake to do. And finally, I'm now part of the competing teams from the enviromental society for the Singapore something whatever. At the SAME time, I have to work for the National Youth Achievement Award (NYAA) and Singapore Kindness Movement (SKM)

I'm drowning in work
*gaspes* tas...ke...te.......

I thought I could get away with not doing too much in JC, or at least not representing anyone or anything. But almost without trying I'm back to where I was before aka. People's Hppes and Dreams. It's not a good thing. Really. Gawd, I'm not even LOOKING for it. I don't want to be your ideal student or whatever. (that's why I skipped student council) I'm happy to be an ordinary member with no leadership position, I adore just working on projects without going through red-tape or anyone's approval. I just like to dream and turn it into real things. I'm not a genius .

So why is everyone so insistent in calling me one?
The only thing I really ever had was determination.
None of that bullshit of passion and aptitude
Yet the first thing that comes to people's minds is: "waaahhh so talented!"
Look if you put the same amount of thought into reflecting instead of choosing your clothes or chasing sports you'll be the same as I.
Quote: "femboticism"

In the end, the only real friends I have in school ('sides gloria and rachel koh) is my discman and my storybooks. Because what they want from me is what everyone else wants from me.

*bitterly* They don't like me, but they want me to do their stuff for them.

Like Literature. Or drawing T-shirt designs. Or presenting cases. Or representing societies. They don't want me they want my thinking, perception and most of all, ideas. Sometimes I feel like I'm a machinebox and all they do is press a button and an idea comes out. I'm not a person anymore, I'm an idea-generator and since so few people can do this, I'm valued. But that's it.

Sad ne?
To realize that your entire existance is not because of your kindness to others, or your warmth or concern but simply because you read too much and have ideas.

I really really want to give up.
Just tell them to fuck off or something.
But...
I'm scared too.
If I do stop giving them ideas
Will they start hating me?

It's almost like paying protection money.

*sighs* Human...all too human....
And in the end, I yearn for approval just like everyone else

---------------

Had strawberries ^^ absolutely delicious~ <3<3<3 I think it's the season for it. I'm glad that audy's orientation was fun ^__________^ was kinda worried that she'll get lousy classmates and stuff. But it's good~ I'm glad she's making new friends

She's prolly going to miss those people from Jap class, so it's good that she can get along with her new one.

Reading the books I've bought at the sale. I've been cheated!!!! I thought this was a really cool book cos it had gay sex in it (re: Keith and George) until I realized George was short for Georgina! ArrrghhhhH! NOOOOO! I wanted rubbishy yaoi-istic books!

On the other hand I've got a scary cool book called Wishing Game which has cute schoolboys with pants down. Mnnmmm...should write a Richard x Jonathan for kicks. But anyway. Read through part of Salam Pax, which is basically a blog-book. It's a blog so popular it has become a book. Very nice. I like blog-books. Why? If it was popular enough to actually be a book, it means that the writing is usually interesting.

Ahhh...logic and reason.
Sometimes I think I'm over-practical about it.

Tomorrow I'm starting on the Vietnam one...or should I try the dystopian-looker called "Paper world"? Urkk..just reminded me I need to look for my copies of The Dreaming to lend it to Gloria. Urk urk...I think it's _somewhere_ in the cupboard tops.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:21 p.m.+

Yay~

I finally decided on my sculpture.
Like, finally
Dropping the damned samhain theme since no one could pronounce it and I really don't like it anyway.
Thus...
We have Rilke!
Every angel is terrible
And still, alas
knowing all that
I serenade you
you almost deadly
birds of the soul.

I understand this.

I really, truly do.

It's kinda strange, but he's my favourite poet. Keats, Shelly, Eliot......they seem to pale in comparison to him. Well. Not really. I just understand him the most that's all. It's almost like my life philosophy down to pat. Mr James thought I was making wings for my freedom, but I don't have so noble an ideal. I'm just addicted to beauty that's all.

Plus I have a long-held wish to make something of Rilke

Okay I have class tomorrow~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:09 p.m.+

*thunks***

Listening to:Yuki Kajuira

Apparently my tempremental-ness is in direct relation to the amount of food, sleep and attention I get. O.o Makes me really sound like some sort of comfortable, domesticated pet.

Which is problably true. :P

Woke up too early for my taste (10am is waaay too early darnit), read a little, had lunch, realized my scanner wasn't working and sighed. LOL. I don't know why it isn't working, but it's driving me up the wall. Anyhow, it doesn't really matter any more, online drawing and stuff. Or so I say to myself.

Finished my jigsaw puzzle far too quickly. Bah. 2 hours for a 300 pcs jigsaw. I thought I'll take longer considering the background is in muted whites and pastels, but I actually took a really short time. The size of a 300 pcs is about 26' by 38' inches. I didn't really expect myself to be as good at it as before, considering I haven't done a jigsaw puzzle in months. But then again, I really *like* jigsaws.

The largest I've ever completed is 1000 though.

Left the house about 4.30pm, dropped my brother at the army station, then went to the Expo area because of the book fair which was fairly close by. YAY! ALL BOOKS AT DISCOUNT!!<3<3<3 The airconditioning was really cold though, but at least it wasn't overcrowded and hot. Bought 27+ books, totalling $121 which is really dirt cheap considering I managed to get books on Monet, Dugas as well as fiction ranging from Vietnam war stories to chicklit to a poetry collection with comics aptly titled "Slow Chocolate Autopsy." Gorgeous stuff. Found some gay books as well, a pretty decent one that reads like a yaoifanfic (on the days my comp breaks down) called "A Certain Chemistry" lousy alliteration but...ah well.

Managed to get a really good assortment of hardcovers and softcovers. Some cookbooks, a Paraguay travelouge, a text on gardening (research on next fic), a text on spices (yet again, fic reasearch). A handful of thrillers (one really cool one about boarding schools and the effects of bullying called "The Wishing"), some artbooks (going at $5! XD XD), a couple of bestsellers.......what I mostly had was disfranchised deconstructed, well, sad fiction on the aimlessness of cityliving and the meaninglessness of life in a cardboard box.

I think sometimes that people who enjoy reading, be it fanfiction or books, are simply vouyers who are looking for people like themselves. It's like telling yourself :"It's okay you're not the only one." It's a pleasure to -know- that yes, someone else is dying, someone else is suffering, someone else knows what you're going through.

People say we read to escape from our lives, but the truth is, we read to realize that all our lives are more or less the same.

I suppose the writing style tells the most. So perhaps, in some way, all writers are exibitionists.

I wonder what my writing style says about me?

Tired...tomorrow there's a GP presentation, and class up to 4.30 after which I have art from 7pm to 10pm. *deadens* I ammmmmmmm deeeeeeaddeeennned.

And overly fond of passive-aggressive behaviour.

I'm hoping to wrap Blankets smut4 soon or at least one of it. I finished one really long Kyo x Shinya already, I'm halfway into another really long (and draining) Kaoru x Shinya so I'm planning for a full-blown Toshiya x Shinya. Which will be on gardening. And tea ceremonies. And baseball. And the lack of it. LOL.

I make no sense.
insensible.

Thought being: "hey if Kyo can write songs about rape and murder and get away with it, why can't I?"

The weather is making me sick, urgh.
It's so hot the trees look thirsty, and makes me feel thirsty too.
The worse is that the air now smells of that dead, dried, fouled blood smell.
I think I'm hallucinating again.
Not good >.< not good at all...
I don't like heat at all..
It's just so stuffy and blanketing
smothering
Makes my insides collaspe onto itself, all the vessels expanded into flat red pancakes bursting
It's almost like I can't breathe -suffocating

I hope it rains - no, FLOODS soon.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:31 p.m.+

Stolen from Audy :P

Right yo. Don't feel like talking much, not to mention I absolutely *hatehatehate* Trigo. *stabs* Tis must die.


You are Gackt with the damn cats.

Which Awkward Gackt Moment are You?
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Pleated Skirt.

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Dir en grey might like you but not admit it..

What Dir en grey thinks of you .....
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You are "masculine" Kyo!

Which Kyo are you MOST like?
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Which Unwanted Sexual Gesture Are You?

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You are Fascist

What: Fascism

Where: At the distant bottom-right of the politcal spectrum

How: Fascism supports total civil opression, particularly for minorities, who were prosecuted. However, it does open up to a free market. It has been attempted and failed in countries including Italy, and socialist version of it called Nazism was tried in Germany.

What political extremity are you?