last call, that's what it sounds like
open gates, departing -
on the final run
homefree
Macau airport owns Narita because the internet here is absolutely FREE (compared to japan, in which i was dunking in 100yen coins every 30mins).
i can't believe that tonight! i'll be home for dinner.
like, ZOMG I'LL BE HOME BY 8PM FOR DINNER
i don't know how to explain the past few days - deary and rainsoaked, as though the limitless sky was suddenly a deep grey blanket of pressure, so deeply pressed that it felt like a suffocating pillow, slowly but surely choking you with that forebiding atmosphere. then the rain would platter and splatter - fat, plopping droplets or the needlelike small but dirty rain. you feel sticky. the air is warm. all in all, it is much like being a steamed, slightly wet char siew bao. peel the paper away i say it's too warm
so anyway, back to the unrequited lovestory of tsu. i saw qian yong's girlfriend and she's absolutely gorgeous. i am talking about that kind of taiwanese songbird kind of cuteness that makes me spazz mentally in my brain in such heartfelt pain that omg she's so cute. omg i am such a loser. omg i fail. she's that kind of small, petite girls with long loose curly hair (tied adorably into 2 ponytails) with wide, glowy shojo-anime eyes and generally gives off that air of a delicate winsome flower.
tu zi he gong zi//tian er he shuai ge
(farm chicken with rooster//swan with handsome guy)
okay it sounds much cooler in chinese (see sis! i live here so long i can make up my own proverbs already! CL B student kz!). anyway, the joke is that a girl between the age of 15 to 20 is a xiao ya or ugly duckling and once she becomes a chen ren (adult), then she will be a tian er hua or, a beautiful flowering swan. the idea that girls are flowers and boys are the grasses that compliment the flowers is pretty common in china (it's hilarious though). my point is that i'm the farm chicken (tu = dirt, zi= chicken) and she's a swan, so the farm chicken will go with the rooster, but the swan will always get the shuai ge.
*sighs deeply*
it's okay if you don't get the joke
hahahaha....it's just me being random again
but really, yesterday night i felt totally heartsick. like usually, i'll after they finish work at 8pm i'll wait at the motorcycle yard to say "see you tomorrow". i don't follow them in because it's like....too obvious but what i'll do is climb from my room to the motorcycle yard where qian yong parks his bike and wait there (usually 10mins). but yesterday............i just didn't. i just stood outside the wall, preparing to climb it and then, i just stopped.
and turned back.
and that was the hardest thing to do.
i just.............i don't know.
i bathed.
i changed.
i packed.
don't think about tomorrow
maybe, i would've given up anything to be her.
at that time.
but i'm not - i'm tsu.
ore wa ore
if i were not me but her, would i have ever existed?
the entire story would be retold from the perspective of the alternate reality tsu. the tsu who might not have had a younger sister (maybe an older one?). the tsu who might not have failed in sec2, and ended up sitting next to audy in sec3 (and perhaps never met?). the tsu who might not even have such a name, but another one - which would mean tsu would have never existed at all.
but that's that isn't it?
you leave a beautiful dream, and only remembering
remeants of the beautiful memory
behind
so i went to the girls' dorm and gossiped to pass time. i think, being around them makes me a better person(?) because they believe that i am a cheerful and happy person - so much so that i feel i cannot disappoint them by not smiling, and by smiling (even if it's fake), it helps because i know it will bring them at least a little happiness. anyway yesterday i was heroic(!!!) because i rescued the girls who were being trapped by the broken doorlock hahahhaha...it's so funny. anyway there don't use the word "cool" here, they say "ku" instead. so apparently i'm very ku! lol (is it because i'm always busy saving cute girls????!???!)
i think it's hilarious. imagine: a bunch of girls huddling in their room, and a small girl outside wearing oversized tshirt kicking the door down then calling the tuduai to bring the lockbreaker because the device was jammed. hahaha......and it's strange but, i really like them and i know they really like me. i got stuff like pure bee honey (from her grandmother's farm) and stuffed pig animal and keychain and tshirt as going home gifts. it feels very warm, to be cared by others.
anyway, it's time for boarding (3.20pm!)
so i'll see you at 8pm!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:34 p.m.+
i didn't get fired because i agreed to stupidity
nevermind, this never lasts
anyhow, i've just gotten my paycheck for the entire month of march and it's seriously....wow. does anyone know how to set up a paypal debit account by any chance? i really want some stuff, but i don't know how else to get it.
wishlist
1. thumbdrive/external drive/iPod maybe?!
2. get my nikon repaired
3. BTSSB alice chess skirt £¨black/red)
4. moitie irongate/gothic arch skirt (blue)
5. sputnik sweetheart (oldcover)
the first item is pretty important, since i'm in dire need of something to that can hold information. the loli-items....well....it's weird but i'm more or less over my addiction(?!) i still want the prints though, but it stops there. it's weird but now that i have the ability to buy
although, i would still like the seraphim OP *koff*
i guess i should just do a big WTB post?!???
(after i get an internet account though)
most likely, i'll just tailor my clothes from now on. it's cheaper, i have the spending power and i can buy material from arab street. unless it's something impossible to get like a certain print.
but first!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to buy everyone lunch and take purikura! xD xD let's go eat happy on may 1st!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:56 p.m.+
it's strange
how one can change swiftly to another
i think maybe i'm going to get fired
for making friends with other people
for making friends.
it's so strange - the moment i find happiness; just a tiny tiny flicker of it, it's immediately squashed by the overbearing weight of my family (re: dad). it makes me want to drag my feet and sink into the empty feeling of hopelessness because maybe that - maybe it's better than being continually disappointed and disillusioned. how can one exist like that? how can he think like that? how can he live like that?
is that even called a meaningful existance?
to fire me, simply because i'm making friends with the chinese and that you are prejudiced against them - is totally petty. it's even more disgusting when you consider that he thinks that everyone is below him and that it is alright to have an existance as such.
i cannot believe it sometimes
that he and i are of the same blood
disgusting.
*sighs*
it's so strange to say
but
i will miss everyone here
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:40 p.m.+
backdated; fire on the monkey's head
and suddenly, the weather becomes perfect.
sky blue, brilliant green, dazzling -
sugary sweetness of spring.
it's the perfect perfect weather. deep enamel blue - a colour so saturated and pure it looks almost flat; 2-D and flawless. the kind that a mircosoft computer would look enviously at and go "oh, what a glorious sky blue". unmatchable sky blue that borders on purple with it's richness, yet so brilliant and sunny that it seems less cold, less merciless. an aching blue - so blue that your heart hurts at the limitlessness of it. it peaks - the heat, the warmth, the sunlight at a very manageable 25 degrees celsius with a rollickingly happy wind - clean and fresh smelling of spring and grass and sunlight. the trees practically shimmer with light; all emerald and lime and viridan and sap. doused in sunlight and plated in gold. the word perfect doesn't even do justice to the weather. it's beyond perfect, it's absolutely it.
it's the first time i've seen a blue blue sky in zhuhai
what else can i do but stare in happy daze?
in a gloriously daydreamy daze
daydreams; a riot of thoughts - the feel of wind in my hair (like a long distance love of many roads) and the sunlight streaming through the windows (sitting in class, the math teacher drones and i sleep upon audy's shoulder watching her use a ruler to draw minus signs and lazily counting how many times she does it before falling into a pleasant dream). pleasurance. sybatric. induglent. i feel like daydreaming the entire day on the rooftop.
and........I GOT MY HAIR STRAIGHTENED
i did the temperory kind initally (as in the one where you don't wash hair and it will stay straight) and i'll do the permanent one this sunday. initally it feels strange, but everyone says i look really pretty with it and after getting used to my hair down all the time - it's not too bad (and qian yong likes it *snerks*) i'm not above making fun of him sometimes though, cause he EMOS LIKE YAMAPI. i'm serious! he'll stand outside on the ramp and look meaningfully at the sky with his arms round his sides and think deep thoughts hahahhaha......is it terrible to make fun of the people you like?
oh! i've made friends with the girls at the dormitory and they're really funny - especially feng lian (who just so happens to know qian yong well. just) and they're really keen to help me in my "quest"! like today, feng lian managed to get qian yong to tell her his ideal girl and ask what he thought of me. ZOMG HE THINKS I'M CUTE. I SHALL DIE A HAPPY PERSON NOW KTHXBAI! his criteria:
looks: long shoulder length black hair, not too fat or skinny, 158cm
personality: carefree, optimistic, dedicated
dislikes: naggy, petty and unreasonable
relationship: likes to be friends first, before slowly begin to like a person romantically.
and!
and and and!!!!
when feng lian asked him what he thought of me, he said very cute and very fun to be with, just that he's afraid that people will talk about him trying to err.... "up" his status. in other words, i'll have to make the first move.
AND HE LIKES MY NEW HAIR. *is happy*
oh yeah...AUDY!!! I GOT PICTURES OF HIM. CAN GO LOOK WHEN IN SG! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK KZ!!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:38 p.m.+
snuck in to the office again, once my computer is back up,i'll fill in the details. basically:
1. going to have my hair straightened this sunday
2. uncle sam didn't find out
3. AND THE WORLD IS SAVED AND OKAY:D
4. made friends with the girls at the dorm
5. girls in the dorm who are helping me in my "quest"
6. typhoon a couple of days ago so phone and net lines are down
7. after which, the weather became perfect
8. OMG SEEING BLUE SKIES MAKES ME THINK OF HOME
9. thought of audy, sak and aya
10. talking about sak, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAKKY!
11. i got pictures of qian yong
12. i like him a lot
13. like, a lot a lot
14. and right now, i wish more than ever that he could be my boyfriend
15. the worst is knowing that i could be
16. i know, cos feng lian asked him
17. and i TOTALLY FIT HIS CRITERIA
18. even for height T_T
19. and he told feng lian he thought i was very cute
20. i shall die a happy person *sighs dreamily*
21. to comfort myself, i shall spend my salary
22. and REDO ALL MY CLOTHES
23. if anyone's interested in how much i got paid
24. it's enough to buy 10 BTSSB onepieces
25. and socks too
26. i'm not saying more than that
27. AUDY! LET'S TAKE PURIKURA WHEN I GET BACK
28. SAK! I COMISSION j00 MY SKIRT
29. AYA! I GOT YOU SUAN NAI AND STUFF
30. okay nothing here, just wanted to make it an even number.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:01 p.m.+
illegal immigrant clouds warning.
omg i'm using a keyboard after so many days of spazzing infront of a laptop. It's so strange suddenly to be able to press keys that my fingers aren't used to it anymore and i keep missing keys instead. is this what happens to those people who stop playing the piano after a while??? that you can't quite remember the feel of a proper keyboard?? how terrible.
anyway, i had a whole long entry planned out before my internet died on me so i ended going to celine's office instead to use her computer. so now i'm on it! later at 7.30pm i'll go check out the chang ku where shue wen and qian yong will be. hahahahha.... kor saw qian yong today and he was like -_-;;;;; because he looks like (quoth) "typical japanese whatevers that you like" (tsu's brilliant reply: EXACTLY!)
feeling a bit overworked because zhang yuan shu is taking leave from saturday onwards so i'm taking over for the bian jiao liao. the bad part is now i have more work, the good part is i get to spend more time with jia le, qian yong and shue wen.
part of the reason why i seem so "desperate" to get a "boyfriend" is because i can't leave the factory on my own. having a "boyfriend" would give me the cover i need to leave (two people whut!) and even better if he happens to live in Jingan, because that's where my favourite bakery happens to be at. i'm not really desperate to be attached, however much it sounds like here. it's just that i joke about having one so that i can go out (since i can't go out on my own. suxxors :/)
because seriously.....i'll never get a boyfriend here y'know? at the end of the day, i still have uni and an entire life beyond china - JE, loli, cosplay, jrock, anime, fine arts plus all the friends and family in SG. not to mention i really can't speak chinese. like. really. i can't really take relationship here seriously because it's not possible. there's also university to consider and also - background. i'll make friends certainly, but i don't think it's possible?? at the very most, it'll wonderful memory of a guy that was cute in china.
i think - maybe something like spring fever.
mad mad mad as a march hare
anyway, it'll be another 8 days before i come back home. home! the sound never sounds so sweet before. i think of home as a person to come back to - all warmth and hugs and kisses and love. i want to hug audy and aya and sak and mom <3 maybe going away does make the heart much much fonder.
i still feel no love for the government though hahahahah
maybe all the china-patriotism has a reverse effect on me lol. that reminds me, zhu jing shun and his "China is the Best Place in the Universe kthxbai" totally irritates me sometimes. ARGH SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD SLAP HIM. he just reminds me of mahmah so much - loudmouthed, overconfident and annoyingly know-it-all. okay, shouldn't whine but he really is annoying :/ imagine elsa-annoying.
i miss gossiping about schoolpeople lol
someone feed me info!
PS. the weather has just turned Singaporean - is it a case of bad imports?!?!?! cross-cultural weather exchange??! or maybe......ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT CLOUDS! *gasp*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:12 p.m.+
he doesn't look a thing like jesus but he
talks like a gentleman, like you remember when
you were young
akira-kun,
isn't it odd that i feel i love you more than ever with more friends i make? it's like, the overwhelmingly happy feeling like bubbles of champange floating blissfully into the surface, breaking into tiny sparkles of air. i'm sort-of friends with qian yong and shue wen now (although jia le is harder) and friends with the office girls. this week i'm going to play mahjong with the supervisors', then if the weather is nice - i'm going to the beach with celine and the store guys~ if it isn't, then i'll invite the girls' over to watch soppy dramas. i feel so unfettered suddenly - free. like kites and windblown grass and poppy seeds and the sound of crystalline
-------------
point being, he's an aquarian.
*pokes audy* NO WONDER HE'S GOT JROCKER HAIR.
zhuhaian jrocker!
anyway, it's like Just Friends isn't it???
it's kinda funny. in the beginning they were totally scared of me (?!?!) at least, that's what shue wen says. i dunno - the idea of anyone being scared of me is really odd, since in SG people *koffakirakoff* laugh at me when i try to Deathglare. and shue wen says that i'm a really kindhearted person (?!?!?!?!) and i'm like "o. not really." *thinks back to aya's last comment about her shuuji-ness* and he was like "people in china aren't as considerate as you!" the weird thing was that he geuninely meant it and i was like "huh?!? i didn't do anything special!"
hahahahahahaha
i kept thinking of aya when he said that
like
"omg my sister is the laziest mamegoma who abuses me all the time!"
hahahahhahahaha
it's so weird that people think i'm kindhearted and considerate and stuff
and some of them really mean it (they're always surprised)
so sometimes i feel a bit awkward because i don't really think about it.
you know????? i don't consciously think: "okay i should be kindhearted"
it just seems strange to me.
i just feel that every person should be treated as a person(?)
that's all.
the thing i noticed about chinese people, generally speaking - is how hungry for information they are. everyone who talks to me - be it suppliers, workers etc etc always ask about life in singapore or whatever else country i've been to. like even the lowest level workers (my brother calls them "The Minions") watch news everyday on tv and like it. comparatively in SG, how many people voluntarily watch news? adverts, sports, weather report and all?? they're almost desperate to learn about the outside world. like today, when i brought some sing dollars to show them, they were all oooooo and ahhhhh over it and then they tell me it's really difficult to leave the country and most of them never get to. not even to HK or macau.
i mean, you really have to see how they behave to believe it. when i gave it to them (just $2), they were holding it in the air and admiring it and touching it with the kind of reverence that i usually see in churches. they treat it as though it's something so precious, something to be treasured in their lifetime. and then i couldn't help but think like in SG, how we practically exchange notes everyday without a thought, and how Bwe take our relative international freedom for granted. like, imagine applying a visa to be able to cross to malaysia. and waiting 3 months for it to be MAYBE granted. to have a china passport is basically quite pointless because you have to have a visa plus inspection plus godknowswhatelse to leave.
it must be terrible
behind the great wall
peering through the cracks
to a beautiful world beyond
that's why they have so many crazy myths about outside china - there's no basis for verification because so few can actually leave. my current favourite myth about SG is that we're all rich and therefore, we don't have fast food but only highclass restaurents. and trust me, there's a lot a lot more of these kind of crack. like, 80% of SG people are originally from china or, because i can speak chinese, that means chinese is the national language of SG and everyone needs to learn it. (this is a natural error because no one in china calls it hua yu, they call it guo (country) yu). another favourite of mine is that all singaporeans have a lot of money and are superrich. oh! i remember someone from the dian du department asking me if all the girls in singapore looked like SIA girls before hahahhaha~
and they never seem to understand that singapore is essentially small. it's smaller than china, i say. smaller than zhuhai, it takes only 30mins to cross the entire country. then their eyes glaze over as they struggle to comprehend it. they can't. not really. unless you live in a big cosmopolitan city like shanghai or HK where the space is tight. but out here, it's hard for them to imagine a lack of space. they don't really know, since they have no sense of distance. for them, a 1hr busride is a short distance. for them, 2 acres of field and a house is considered a small farm.
but that's what it's like. here.
so sometimes i feel very travelled(?!?!) even when i'm not.
strangest things to see
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:17 a.m.+
listening: el manana live
it looks like how i imagined it.
the video.
maybe it's the skylines
how pretty the it looks
nothings
i ran as far away as i could
today
skimmed milk expressways
sputtering exhausted love
grey smoke; dusty kisses
winding up//down
winding through//under
souring skies
of coming rain
[would you like an umbrella?]
yesterday i was so worried i couldn't sleep, so today i went to Dongguan to get away from worrying but i couldn't stop. i couldn't get rid of the self-recriminations and guilt and anxiety because i really did like them. him. alot.
railwaytracksfromtomorrow
spedfast
c-c-coming on today
so at dongguan i went shopping - i bought a monokuroboo bag for aya (blue/black), overknee ichigo socks, striped monokuroboo jacket and a striped hoodie dress. it was kinda like a dirtier, cheaper version of takashita-dori (my instinct tells me that Akira-kun would TOTALLY LOVE this place because it's all layered funky clothing at an awesomely cheap price)
but.
even then.
i couldn't stop thinking.
sweet like chocolate
melting under
warmed lips, sunkissed skin
let it be
softly living; kokomo
i really like qian yong. *sighs*
dear johnny please don't let anything bad happen to them. *prays*
so now i'm very shikata nai.
whatever comes, will come.
i just hope they don't hate me ;_;
i feel so childish and saying
"i will never love again!!!!"
anyway i sneaked out later to warn them (no one saw me), and caught hold of shue wen who was all: "don't worry!" and i felt so bad that they were reassuring me when they were the ones who might get fired. but. i did my best. whatever else that comes is totally shikata nai. and whatever that comes, i will know what to do with each outcome.
1. if nothing happens; i will thank god and johnny
2. if i/they get scolded; i will do thank god for a light sentance
3. if they get fired; i will apologize, pass them flextronics number (they're hiring) and fire myself.
just pray.
think of next week
next week there's mahjong
with sun chun, guo qiang and others
then on sunday we're going to the beach
celine, lingling, kor and whoever else
drink liang cha on the sand
water lapping at our feet
sunshine and sea breeze
then maybe i can invite qian yong for dessert
in jing an
with celine and bf
and it will be fun
won't it?
so please
please
stay.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:05 p.m.+
you know; a little town
(ups and downs and whos and wheres)
of oh boy who went everywhere
(inside klackklack outside bangbang boom)
met oh girl somewhere
with ordinary smiles
with ordinary hands
andd ordinary happiness
that fell in love in nowhere
(smiles and wishes and happy kisses)
so an ordinary day
in an ordinary way
[won't you be mine?]
but oh girl smiles sadly
(falling tears;falling rain)
[but i'm not oh girl anymore]
[i'm somebody now]
and she leaves. like that.
[shatterheart]
he watches
oh boy
watches her go
and asks the sky
[Oh God Why?]
and there's nothing no one can do.
----------------
if - you were not working for my dad and if life was fair and perfect - you would be my 100% boy and i would be your 100% girl. i really do like him. i really do - in that sad, semi-pathetic lost-cause-is-hopeless-way. that's why i will just like him. never more than like. just like everything will always be.
i'm just praying nothing happens on monday.
i never thought i would think of anyone that way in china. but. i really like him. he's nothing special really, at first glance. he looks perfectly ordinary. but. he's got the biggest smile in the world - the kind that flashes at you suddenly, catching you unaware. you feel it like an electric shock because he's usually so quiet and stoic and serious and hardworking. when office girls tease him, he blushes under that tan. during work he's always serious and responsible, but then he sees you and there's that smile and that wave and that way that makes you feel so special, oh girl so special that it warms you happily inside.
and then there's today and you - you're so stupid and silly and causing trouble for everyone that you nearly get him fired and you call him in bad chinese (cause you're worried, oh so worried) and you tell him to say no matter what it's your fault and he laughs and says it's okay and you can't help but hope (oh sweet sweet hope) that it's true because it will be his face in your dreams with guilt and pain if he gets fired because you're oh so stupid and reckless and it's all your bloody fault.
and all you wish was
[why couldn't he be ------???]
he's everything you want. everything. he's serious and quiet and shy, but around others he smiles like the sunshine. he's just the right height to lean on, and he's muscular - not big, but like massukind (he's strong enough to lift the wooden pallet no shit) and he's got soft fluffy hair and the cutest accent in the world. he's neat and tidy, with a nice name and nice handwriting and he's everything i wanted but can never have.
oh god i am so dead.
why??????????????????
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:18 p.m.+
i feel hurt like the way people kick sad puppies and suddenly i'm thinking of dirtroads and portholes and puddles and rain. i don't know why or how or whereof anymore but whatever it is, i don't like it. i'm quite tired and feeling alone and almost depressed enough to do something stupid except that people are watching. i wish i remembered to put that New Order song in my player, and then i can sing to myself: Hey Now, what'cha doing? don't go that road to ruin because right now, i am thinking of stupid things.
i still feel. about today.
i was frustrated enough to actually cry.
my eyes are tired, my head hurts and tomorrow's saturday and i have to work. i want back my saturdays. someone send me a hug and a kiss and a glomp and i wish i could feel your arms around me and the feel of sunshine and someone who loves me and warm. it's never right here - too cold too hot. whatever happened to the yurameki inside me? sayonara iwazune. can i still find my reason now?
i need sleep.
lovelovelove
tsu-or-tsubaki-or-who?
+tsu waited for you at 12:00 a.m.+
you'll think you found everything
that answer, that name, that verse
that magical summation
the perfect equation
and all the things that exist (and didn't)
profound, mysterious, infinite
walk rightly
walk truly
holding your head high (with it in your heart, your hands)
and then the noise
[you're wrong it] says
[you're just like a child]
[you don't know anything]
and
the answer crumbles
the more you cling, the more stubborn they call you
[stubborn childish fool]
but
do you doubt?
can you doubt?
no one listens.
the voice is tired
no one's listening at home, not even you.
today was bad. very bad. some people have the talent to say exactly the right things, but i can honestly say that dad has the rather unique talent of being able to say the worst things at the worst time. for him to tell me that "just because you're my daughter doesn't mean you can do anything you like here" is problably the WORST thing you could say. first off being that i never use that as an advantage - as in i have never NEVER in my life used my position as "luo xiao jie". the words: "do you know who i am?!" have never passed my lips. the second being the choice of "my daughter" which immediately reminds me What A Lousy Father (we all know) You Are and finally, the point being that i CAN'T do anything here. fuck! i'm just a glorified prisoner in a not-so-glorified tower.
see what i mean?
that motherfucking asshole.
the sad thing is, he's actually really pitiful. he thinks he's great - with all his riches and six(?!) children and fancy cars and stupid smug expression. whenever i see him, i think of a great big bull - deaf to the world except to the sound of his own snorts. it's like, he's rich but never has time to relax, he's got six kids alright - but none of which actually love him. i doubt even his wife does. what's the point of spawning when they think you're the worst father on earth? as in, epitaph read: "successful businessman and terrible father."
to be perfectly honest, i like my job. i don't love it, but i like it - enjoy it even. i like the people generally, the weather suits me fine, the pay's decent and i'm okay with being overseas BUT I CANNOT STAND BEING LOCKED UP. i dislike depending so much on others when i can do it myself. i dislike being treated like a thing - that i am no longer responsible for my own choices, because others make it for me and YET, they expect me to learn and be like an adult (when i'm not even allowed to make my own decisions.) does it make sense? is it logical?
no wonder i feel stupider and stupider as the days go by.
it's the atmosphere i swear.
feels like the sky is being censored.
bloody china.
i feel like i need to breathe.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:47 p.m.+
happy times
captured and clicked
under shutterfly skies
seem
threateningly happy
today was pretty fun even though i was sick with a runny nose, cough and stuffed throat/ears. i sound like someone's stuffed a big charsiewbao in the back of my throat and made me talk through it. boo~ i feel like a nasal jrock singer.
anyway, today lao zhu (zhu jing shun) and i decided to renovate the recieving store. it was pretty fun to shift items, sweep up centuries of dirt (and a couple of dead rats) and paint the floor using a broomstick hahahha... the best part was using the water gun (the highpressure type) to clean our NEW shelves for the recieving store. it's the first time in days that i'm not thinking about politics or people or whatnots and merely having fun just renovating. at that point in time, i didn't even care that lao zhu was an old corrupted geezer because right then, he was just another person whom i was having fun with.
and then when people came over to check out our spanking new painting and our spanking clean floor and our spanking new shelves and went ooh and ahhh and i was so happy. and i really feel sunshiny and happy today even though i was coughing and sneezing and breathing in paintfumes. oh! and there was a funny incident during today hahahha....omg the supplier was flirting with me! he was like (translated): "pretty girl, you're too sweet/polite." actually it sounds better in cantonese hahahaa which is "lang lui, lei tai si men le." i'm not really sure how to translate "si men" though, i guess its something like sweet/ladylike/polite???????
the best best BEST part of the day had to be after weighing the scrap material with shue wen and qian yong and they taught me how to drive the forklift. OMG I CAN DRIVE THE FORKLIFT. OMG IT IS TOTALLY AWESOME AND FUN. They were kinda surprised at how fast i could learn it - me being totally short and girly and younglooking after all. and i really like shue wen and qian yong now and i totally hope we can be friends. and the coolest thing is this saturday after work they're going to let me drive again! woohoo!<3
it's funny how puppy-eye expressions can cross the boundaries of language hahahha initally they were hesitant but after one sad puppyeye look they let me drive
i really hope no one finds out though, i (and they) would get into sooooo much trouble. but seriously, what else do they expect me to do here? i'm bored, restless, friendless and it isn't in my nature to just sit around helplessly waiting for other people if i can find other ways to entertain myself. if one day i get really bored, i'll just sneak out myself. i figured a way out anyway. i'm just tired of being the fairy princess in the ivory tower. i'm NOT a fairy princess and i refuse to be treated like one. not to mention at the end of the day (politics and all), i am nobody's pawn except my own.
and today, the weather was really nice. shutterfly blue - which is like a greyish alice blue that is not quite brilliant but beginning to. the sunshine is to die for though. in the late afternoon, it spills like rich honeyed oil, thick and lusciously golden into the ceramic sky, sending sparkles and fairylights in the dusty earth. languid, you look dreamily into it - a daydream of late afternoon; honey and saliva and moon and sunshiny under shutterfly skies with white butterflies drifting against dazzling green.
i really hope the weather stays
*prays*
it's so perfect right now i wish i could hit a pause button.
of course nothing really is perfect. celine was like 'zomg you shouldn't renovate on a working day! do it on saturday' and uncle lim and uncle loh are totally Not Happy with tsu on forklift. the weird thing is, i'm actually on okay terms with uncle sam now. LOL.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:00 p.m.+
kor's started work today with Joanna aka nu hu zi (female tiger) and i can totally understand his pain. he's been really grumpy lately - the whole mining thing, the driver issue and now he has to work in the production office with Joanna! hahahaha....yesterday he was whiny over li mei hua (our company driver) because he can't stand the way the driver "carries balls" aka. suck up, to dad. i can kinda understand his pain because whenever i look at the driver the first word i think of is "blubbering" - a word which describes every single thing he does perfectly. an idiotically blubbering fool, large and bulky with thick lips and pathetically wetsheepdogtripe eyes.
my brother is a twit sometimes. he doesn't seem to understand how things work here. initally when i first came here i was like thinking: 'oh kor must be more sensitive than i think because it takes serious pwnage to navigate the politics' then LATER, i realize that kor isn't very good at all - his solution is 'tell dad, discuss later'. but to me, that's a really stupid way of working. like - take the whole corruption thing. at every level of management there will be discounts. i am fully aware that celine problably gets some too, just as uncle sam problably gets some too. but then again, there's also something called efficient corruption - as in to be truly efficient, there will be corruption because the cost of totally eradicating corruption would be too high. my brother, that idiot, doesn't understand it at all. just as he doesn't understand what kind of information you can give and you can't. for instance, yesterday he was going to tell them how much his salary was as an army man to sun chuan and zhu jing shun but i stopped him. to him, it seems like a perfectly normal question but it's NOT. nope. when in doubt, just say you don't know. like, i like sun chuan well enough but i am also aware that he is a cunning person. does that stop me from liking him? not really. does that make me more wary of giving info even if he's a good friend? definitely YES. and today, that idiot actually went to tell people when he was leaving for university. let me repeat: I-D-I-O-T. i spent the entire last month dodging that question and he goes 'oh i'm leaving in sept.' he doesn't think it's important information alright, but it is. it's important enough that even my boss celine, doesn't know. neither does uncle sam. is he stupid or something?!?! i wonder. it's he totally unaware that in truth we're here not because of our job, but as secret inspectors?! what kind of inspector tells people when they're going to leave?!
i always thought he already knew since he's been here before, but it seems like he doesn't. and he doesn't seem to get the fact that a person can be a great friend and corrupted at the same time. like practically all the supervisors are. but they're also the people i make friends with. the only ones that aren't corrupted are problably people like qian yong and wang jia le and it's not because they're honest by nature, but merely because they have no position of power and therefore is totally pointless to try and corrupt. what's the point of bribing someone who doesn't have any power?
anyway, back about work. someone's really pissed off at my pricing, pissed off enough that i have extra work to do like the stupid kitchen report to write. it's a totally china thing by the way. it's like, if i 'zhen' you, then you will 'zhen' me back. ('zhen' = needle/distrub). so currently someone's feeling threatened by my market pricing, so they try to 'zhen' me by creating trouble for me and celine e.g. complaining there's not enough food to uncle sam so i end up having to write a report. so right now they're 'zhenning' me to see if i'll run off and get scared, which i definitely won't. my job is simply to investigate, what happens to the information afterwards is none of my concern at all. after being here for so long, i kinda understand why dad sent me and my brother here. it's not because we're particularly suitable, or because we have any great talent but merely by sending us here, he is sending a signal to uncle sam. we're basically here to 'zhen' uncle sam. but dad is smart. he doesn't want to fire uncle sam you see, because he isn't interested in production anymore, but he wants to ensure that the corruption (even on higher management) remains efficient - to maximize the bottomline, so to speak. so he sends two uncorruptable investigators under the pretext of 'learning experience' who have the ability to report directly to him without arousing suspicion (because we're family duh). in truth, we're not really here to investigate on behalf of our bosses - we're investigating our bosses. makes sense mm?
i wonder how long it'll take for kor to figure this out. any bets? or maybe i should tell him, just in case he blurts out something again. *sighs* seriously.....when in doubt, just say: 'wo bu zi dao!' *insert fake laugh* (i don't know)
anyway i'm not overly concerned about celine being corrupted because she's planning to it soon. that's an unpredictable factor because dad assumed she would stay (and thus, i would have to investigate her). but since she's not, it's a great load off my shoulders yes? all i need to deal with now is bascially departmental problems, not massive higherlevel corruption (which is tricky and nasty to deal with). i really pity kor though, because i'm pretty sure the production crew is even worse than admin (and by default, more corrupted) and he'll have to strategize if he actually wants to win. and he doesn't even have a single clue about it lol. isn't it funny that the person who enjoys all these strategy games ends up not having to participate while the person who tries his best to ignore all this is right in the middle of everything?
in china, nothing is ever as simple as it looks.
i wonder if i should write a report to dad that i know what kind of shit he's up to. that would be hilarious and a totally china way of 'zhenning' dad. on the other hand, it's too obvious. maybe i'll hint about it instead, so that he will have to guess how much i actually know and don't know and perhaps spill out more stuff. yeah. that would work better. ohmz! i really am learning stuff in china - i'm not sure whether playing politics would be considered a good thing or not though!!!
oh i'm still flu-ing, but at least the weather has turned for the better. *crosses fingers* i hope for more sun! except that during the day it's too hot and in the evening the temp. drops really fast and turns cold quickly. this kind of weather is easy to fall sick in.
this sunday i'm going to macau/gongbei to cross the border with kor then next saturday i'm going to the supervisor's house to learn how to play mahjong. ahhhh! gambling is a bad thing but i believe it is useful enough for me to learn. *nods* especially mahjong. it's worth it, even if i have to spend 300rmb (estimated losing cost) to learn.
anyway i really need to bathe and take clarinase. my nose is leaking!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:32 p.m.+
now i know
when you start puking out your dinner and it sits nastily on your stomach it is a Sign of Things To Come. in other words - a night of fever and cold sweat, to wake up feeling as though someone dragged you through the depths of hell and back and feeling sorry for every single travel show host to has to go through the same experience many many times.
point being, i got the typical indigestion + fever due to eating improperly.
it's one thing to be sick (and enjoy being sick) in singapore, it's quite another to be sick in china. first is they tend to jab before they listen (zomg here they put you on IV if you have diehorrea! spare me!) the second being that their hospitals are noisy and messy and kinda...luan. then also i'm bored being sick in china, since there isn't much to do.
i'm still stressed from living and tired, would you believe i took a 3 hr nap and am still tired? i feel like a dry bone and my stomach is still making strange noises and being sick and alone makes me feel wangstier than usual so when kor comes back i'll be happy to see him even though he'll go all 'hah u stupid and all your fault for eating strange fishballs on the street' and then i'll have a long, perfectly written excuse in my head about how a bit of dirt isn't bad and the shakespeare approves cos 'man must eat a plate of dirt before he turns to dust' hmmm??? and that since we're in china we might as well enjoy ourselves instead of being stuck in sian sen xiao jie land.
anyway i had a more purposeful post before it degenerated into this. really.
like i was gonna say about how i don't regret the fishballs because one must be adventurous!?!?!?! and that i feel kinda creeped out sometimes when during an jiao (foot massage) the person goes 'oh you have such cute and pretty ankles' and then 'see don't you think so?' then the other person who is massaging my friend is like 'oh yeah her ankles are so pretty!' and i'm all 'WTF MAN IT'S JUST ANKLES.' and today i had gwai lin gou and then i realized that in english it looks like 'turtle year cake' so kame problably eats a lot of it to keep his skin perfect and pimple free because gwai lin gou is liang cha and makes your skin soft and glowly so maybe i should eat more cos i have a pimple at the bottom of my cheek (thank god it's unseeable!!!)
oh yeah i cut my hair again and i don't really look very round. people say it's quite cute but it could be just flattery. sometimes i wish i could believe people more except that i'm worried they're trying to take advantage of me. and today when i gave eye-mo to qian yong he looked so weirdly happy that i wondered if i broke some china custom or showed favouristim accidentally because to me, these kinds of things and giving stuff is perfectly normal but maybe not in china???? i don't want to send wrong signals. but qian yong is a nice person and he's very polite (even if i have to stop him from calling me luo xiao jie!!) and he looks like a fun person if he could be a friend.
okay must remember to watch queer eye for straight guy today. it's at 10pm.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:08 p.m.+
like every other time, my 100% perfect is nothing but tv and bearbear and i think of home so much i almost feel like skipping shounen club because it will make me feel sick and depressed. for the first time in my life listening to je is akin to torture in the most painful way because i think of home and je and aya and sak and akira who is currently Not Speaking to me. i don't feel very much like shuuji anymore because shuuji would've been happy here playing king but i'm quite quite sick of it already. to walk back on your own up your apartment with no lights knowing that no one is around except you and to eat on the tiled floor with cold noodles and curry fishballs until you feel desperately sick and go to the toilet to puke your dinner out wishing that you were back home and it was your birthday and someone was calling you "shuuji-kun!" and eating ichigo bliss on the way to taka
rinse, spit. rinse, spit. look into the fucking mirror repeat.
but at the back of your throat you can still taste the puke that refuses to leave even after the wash of diluted tea.
i'm very tempted to go home right now but i can't until my contract is due (end of may). the earliest i will be back is on 25th April and i will be back in Zhuhai on 3rd May. after that, i will work till aya comes to zhuhai and we will go home together.
anyway i'm rather tired, so i don't feel like talking very much now. goodbye.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:25 p.m.+
Everybody's gonna get Good News!
OMG I JUST SAW NEWS ON MUSIC STATION FOR SAYAENDO AND HOSHI NO MEZASHITE AND I JUST CRIED. OMG I CRIED OVER A BOYBAND. OMG OMG OMG
it's just that everytime I see JE related stuff
I can't help but be homesick
and think of everyone at home
so i feel very much like crying
don't blame me for not wanting to watch drama
because i have no one to talk to about it here
it is very lonely to watch alone
no one to trade
no one to squeal
no one to fangirl with
not to mention half the people here are anti-japanese
anyway
I SAW TESSHI SLUTTING HIMSELF ON BIG SCREEN TV
WITH RYO!!!!!
i wonder if i should feel ick. LOL. ryouchi foreva!
anyway now my net is finally up, so here's the entry(ries)
----------------
yesterday was my first (and will problably not be the last) experience at a chinese dinner and KTV lounge. dinner was okay, not really my kind of thing but i was superbored halfway when they began to talk about.......what else? work. i knew i shouldn't have sat next to uncle sam and co. *sighs* the other table sounds so much more like fun. besides that, i realize that in china, sterotypes go both ways - as in, the girls actually want to be damsel in distresses. they drink less than i do, they get drunk faster than i do. and they titter - seriously, there is no other way to describe how they talk. it's a real eye-opening experience LOL, or to quote my dad: A Lifetime Experience
anyway, out of everyone (i mean in terms of err...guys): Steve is problably the prettiest, but Sun Chuan is problably the coolest and the store guys the cutest. i mean, yes Steve has pretty skin (omg tv advert!) - all smooth complexion so bai and so liang my sis would turn green with jealously with plum lips that makes me wonder if he wears lipstick or something. However, he is also as interesting as a cardboard box. an empty cardboard box. in other words, he's just pretty but not very interesting (he's also born in August if anyone's interested. *koff*EGO*koff*). Sun Chuan however, isn't particularly good-looking (tall, lean features, chainsmoking type) but interesting. he rides a motorbike, plays mahjong (and taught me a drinking game!!!), works in CTS (the science fac. of the company = brains). his room is also awesomely neat with xiang sui and he's interesting to talk to (other than the fact that he's sly and cunning, but that adds 'interest' doesn't it?) funnily enough, he's born on nov16.
the point being, i kinda er.......like? someone.
*blushes*
'cos like i work in the store, which has people around my age (and really cute). qian yong is this shy, responsible, serious!manly guy while shue wen is this really short (shorter than me! and audy!) guy who is lazy but cute in a 'moumou' way. the guy i like best is wang jia le who is really quiet, with cool rocker hair. he works in the recieving store too (so i get to see him a lot:D) and since we have to check the items and clip dan together we stand pretty close.....he's got really nice hands and smells nice. like, long fingers, nice clean nails and surprisingly smooth and graceful for a guy (particularly one that works in chang ku). and he's quite funny once he loosens up and cracks jokes with people who come over.
yeah anyway i just like them as friends so don't overthink it okay?
back to KTVing, it was okay. i drank 3 glasses of wine and 2 glasses of beer as well as the drinking game. it's pretty easy, you roll dice and guess the total number of dice ie. 'three sixes!" which means that to win, there must be a min. of 3 dices with a 6 face. you keep calling higher and higher until someone says 'kai!' or open. it's not merely a chance game, because you have to consider the odds of people getting different values from you. playing against the purchasers is okay, but playing against sun chuan .......8/10 i will lose. they were kinda amazed at my tolerance of alcohol and thought i puked in the toilet LOL. actually i was just calling audy to tell her how bored i was, but the call couldn't get through.they made me sing chinese/cantonese karaoke songs too, which was super embarassing because i didn't really know much of the words but weirdly enough they liked hearing me sing (hmmm true or just flattery?) hahaha....they said i sounded like a young taiwanese singer! maybe my popmusic roots are showing?!
around 10pm there was a performance but it was totally, absolutely, unsexy. i am talking about deepsea desperation - the kind of blind, unevolved creatures groping in the dark without sunlight. the singer looked like an aging 20 year old who knows that her time is almost up, dancing with as much enthusiasm as a decapitated fish head and singing to a halfbored, halfdrunk audience with the music blaring at a painfully loud volume. and since sun chuan was recovering from flu i was like 'hey you wanna sneak off now? i'll pay for the cab *nudgenudgehinthint* and apparently he was as bored as i was. as soon as we said we wanted to leave, EVERYONE wanted to leave so i waited a little longer and everyone left together. seriously, sitting in uncle sam's car was a scary experience because ZOMG! he was swerving and halfdrunk.
went back and just KO'ed. i didn't even bother to bathe because i was too tired. 'sides, i figured i'll just wake earlier the next day and bathe then instead. sleep is more important!
today i went out shopping with bing lian and ah qian(purchasing) and they were like ZOMG! you're actually so skinny why do you dress like a boy??? hahahahha and ate lots of cake and now i feel fat and ZOMG I CAN'T STOP MENTIONING I SAW NEWS ON TV. I CAN'T BELIEVE I CRIED OVER A BOYBAND ON TV. I DIDN'T EVEN CRY DURING THE DEG CONCERT.
i think i'm really homesick now
not like desperately, but resigned?
like i am so "shikata nai" that i just feel it
so i do everything i can to avoid thinking of home
so please don't be mad at me if i don't follow anything in sg, i really won't be able to take it. i already want to quit, thinking of home will totally break me.
when i took the bus back today the landscape was so bare and fogged with a lone naked lightbulb swinging from this rickety bus on a rocky mountain road and bumping so much my buttocks hurt and i felt so lost and i couldn't even see to the end of the electric lines and all the telephone cables lost in fog that was when i finally knew the meaning of the words: alone, alien, lost. you can't have felt it, unless you haven't seen a living soul for miles of sand and fields and outcroppings of rock and windswept reeds and think: i am alone with the wind like a knife on the cheek and the bus going to break down any second and night falls like a clattering knell.
AKIRA!
so sorry for interrupting for drama next time i'll just call aya instead ok? it's just that it's too late to call aya cos she has tuition on sunday and i haven't fangirled in a month. or more. you have to understand that watching drama here is too painful? you can't talk to anyone about it (because zomg!anti-japan = death threats) and it reminds me too much of home. if i think too much about home i just want to go back. and i can't until my 3 month contract is fufilled. (June 6th) so please try to understand my position. i don't have any friends here, and it is totally (for once) not my fault. i can't change my surname. i can't change my parents. i can't change the past. the feeling of shikata nai here is very very strong, so i am trying very very hard already so please don't make it anymore difficult.
i don't even know if you'll read this, since you rarely check my blog but ah well - hotmail is down. next time i'll dl fics into my comp instead. OMG READ P0RN DURING OFFICE HOURS! AKIRA SHOCKUUU!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:04 a.m.+
i suddenly feel like eating watermelon curry.
i usually type my entries on notepad but not now.
woke up at 4.30am to go to the market. i kept thinking of the pig song. to the market to the market to buy a fat pig, home again home again chickeedichic. it was so cold. and so slient. china uses blue lights on the highways, and with no cars in sight - it almost feels like an alien landscape with these trees of lights, almost umbrella-like with lantern arms and stiff, cicular bulbs. i thought of all those alien movies and sci-fi books i read - fedrick, mcdohl, harrison.....and all these black, stiff tentecale looking trees flowering bulbuos blue light. cold. in the night, it seems endlessly fascinating like an early de chirco painting; inhuman and overscaled with an overwhelming perspective that seems to be teetering at the brink of an unrealized fantasy.
gongbei market is huge.
it's big and cold and large with lights like a football match of carrots, cabbage and ginger. people squat with their wares displayed on picnic mats and oldstyle handscales with cries of prices said so tonally i have to strain to understand. the entire market is sectionized with fruit, chicken, pig, fish, vegetables, beef - each having their own little corner. even the tofu sellers have their own space. dotted around are breakfast hawkers of questionable hygiene with steaming bowls of mystery meat noodles slurped down and tossed into waiting pails of soap with the usual dogs and cats and ducks and geese and godknowswhatelse.
sometimes i feel like i've stumbled accidentally into Discovery Travel and Living programme, with all these weird stuff around me. today, i saw a whole roasted dog, unfortunately still looking like a dog with its mouth wide open and customers checking its jaw and commenting on its quality. i saw live snakes, unfortunately hissing and much alive. then you have the usual pigs and cows and i just happened y'know, to watch a pig being executed and i have to agree with bourdain on this one: it makes a lot of noise. a lot. :( then walking past the seafood section makes me seriously wonder about the state of endangered species in the world. like, turtles. like, sea snails. like those overly lively fish which flapped water at me. or most gortesque of all, watching fish heads being cut - so fresh that even at their DECAPITATED STATE they still open their mouths, gasping for breath and their (unfortunately) seperated body twitching in unison.
it's a good thing i don't eat in the morning
watching the fish being cut was a totally naseauting experience.
worse luck is now i have my period, which makes me feel even colder and uncomfortable....ahhhh! i daikirai it! work is work however, maybe i should make them pay for the mental damages to my brain?!?!?!?!?!?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:49 a.m.+
it's cold today again. it doesn't snow here, but the snow rain from the north blows down with a deep wintry cold. just overnight, it's fallen by 10 degrees. it's new i guess, (or actually not anymore) to wake up suddenly to a sunshine-less chilling cold. after a while, you actually begin to like this heavy wind gua feng, even as it rips through your clothes and freezes your ears and turns your nose and cheeks red like an apple drink commercial.
i'm getting used to here.
the desaturated landscape seems familar now - i like the way the edges seem so soft and blurred compared to the telekinetic sharpness of singapore. over here, it initnally seems
to be a monotonous chrome of dulled shades; the only single hues come from the casually bright dressing of the workers during weekends. almost as though the industrial dust and uniforms lift to reveal the brightness underneath, the butterfly's wings tearing through the dead chrysalis into the gloriously bright - if short, weekend. i like watching the telegraphic lines especially, the way the landscape seems to tilt in a twisted perspective like a child's drawing of empty fields and blue clouds and awkward lines jutting and stark against the sky. most of all, i like how everything is empty and wide and endless looking, looking upwards is less like a bowl that traps you into reality, but rather the eternity that stretches to forever. (in which, eternity is always an electric blue colour spazzing with laughter)
yesterday kor came to china, and honestly - i mean i like the company, but i can live without? not to mention, kor and i aren't exactly the most compatible of people. i don't believe celine would like him at all, because he is quite like uncle sam at times who is naggy and overly anxious. like yesterday when i was talking to him there were things i didn't feel he was right. i don't believe that cutting yourself from the world is considered a 'learning experience'. in that, i would actually call it 'blindness'. the whole point of coming here is to learn isn't it? so therefore why not explore the world around you instead of staying inside the factory where people treat you like a prince and be a piakiah? i don't believe in that. i dislike the assumption by him that i would flounce the rules for being me. that kind of thinking shows a lack of restraint. i would not like to think that my brother lacks restraint. moral restraint is very important in china - it is something you do for yourself so that you retain a sense of person, invidividuality and belief. therefore, while he was suprised at how much i followed the rules (me being a total rebel in sg), i was equally shocked at his. not to mention the lack of empathy and social awareness. he says he doesn't give a fuck - yes! you can not care in sg because people there are logical and reasonable but here in china, things work different. for instance, why can't we go cebu? why? because people will shoot, kill and kidnap you. you say it's illegal? they don't care. to them, crime and punishment is based on personal honour. so yes, they will continue to shoot and kidnap you, so you continue to not go there and be smart.
i don't believe locking yourself in your room is the solution at all.
it doesn't make any sense to me.
in fact, i think it's extremely stupid to do so.
imagine: you work in a factory based on your family. therefore, you have no actual grounding in reality because there's no counterpoint. i mean, of course everyone will say you're doing a great job! they want you to like them after all (so that they can ask for that elusive pay raise). the only way to ground yourself is really to leave the factory so that you can remember that yes, the world outside doesn't really give a fuck about who you are because you're just like everyone else.
the things i miss most is not so tangible that it can be sent over just like that, be it human or not. plus, i'm disgustingly comfortable (or so he says) in my room. i argued that the whole point of adaption was to make life as pleasant as possible for yourself, and perhaps the next who will use the room. it'll be nice to know that when i leave, at least i have done something to beautify this deary place. i wonder, would it be possible to courier sunsets? or DHL a proper thunderstorm? the sunsets and thunderstorms are pathetically unspectacular in zhuhai. the sun doesn't really set properly here, it merely glows less. the colours are never gloriously pink or purple or brillant orange gold. instead, it simply shrinks into itself and darkens impercipetibly into night. sometimes it's so pathetic that afternoon and night seem to shift simulatanlously into each other like an eternal twilight and i totally forget about it. just like yesterday the rainstorm was just
like that; a roll of thunder, heavy drops and oh! that's called a thunderstorm in hai. where are the grey sheets of rain - so heavy that you can't see forward or behind you, obscuring in its totality? where is the crash and bang of solid thunder? growling and raging and crashing so hard that it could be a Smack From God's Hand (On Humanity's Behind)? and the lighting! lighting that looks like the sky is being torn apart to show a perfect surreality, a blinding glimpse into estatic paradiase?
anyway, tonight kor, celine and i are going jing an to do some shopping, an jiao and eat dinner <3~~~ i really need to exercise here more though, zomg i am going to be superfat soon if i don't! *laughs* i really wanna ride a motorbike again - or at least to the an jiao place. i have a favourite restaurent here called cao bai tang (hundred grasses teahouse) which makes really good claypot rice and milky den dan. from there, if you walk straight you'll reach bu xing jie (cloth crossing street) which is jing an's main shopping street. there's a supermarket there, a fishball shop which sells fabulous curry fishballs with chee cheong fun and deepfried spicy chicken stomach (tastes better than it sounds) and a decent bubble tea/milk tea shop. it's a pedestrain only area, so the trees are lined with lights and there's people hawking cheap stuff along stores with zhuhai roadside specialities of deepfried parts in chilli oil. it's surprisingly yummy - after it's fried, you can't really tell except that it's crispy and spicy and oily. LOL! i like the deepfried chicken stomach best because it's chewy and not really organ-tasting (ewwwww liver >_>) then from bu xing jie, you can cross the road to where the bakery and haircutting shop is. the bakery is my favourite one, and they have several all over jing an. it specializes in a particularly soft airy sponge cake - seriously the spongiest and softest sponge ever. they also have other cool stuff like this mochi skin stuffed with custard made into a roll called 'bai wang chuan' (so refreshing it tastes like icecream!), and an egg omelette lookalike that is actually a sweet cake with lemon and custard. i particularly like their egg omelette lookalikes - so far i've tried the square lemon ones and the semi circular peanut ones.
work is somewhat annoying. my new kitchen supervisor is beginning to get the Syndrome. i don't really know what to call it, but it basically means that the moment you promote someone for being hardworking, it turns their heads and they become lazy and the you demote them and promote someone else for the same thing to happen again!!. kinda like 'absolute power corrupts absolutely'. anyway, he's getting lazy and whiney, making excuses and irresponsible too. i can tolerate whineyness, but i will NOT tolerate irresponsibility. the reason why i can be an inspector is because i follow the rules strictly. yes, i may be 'luo xiao jie' and yes, i may have the license to do as i wish (zomg! HoD reference!) but i find it distasteful to abuse this kind of power anyway. if there's anything china has taught me about myself, i think i'm more or less uncorruptable? being here i know that the moment i want something, people will do it for me to gain favour. sometimes they practically fall over my feet trying to do stuff for me. but i don't y'know? i never feel like it. more than anything, i feel embarassed by it. for me, survival depends on how well i can follow the rules and procedures because only by following it, then i have the right to punish people for breaking the rules. punishing unessescarily is something i can do, but i never want to. it's not just that it's morally corrupt, but i find it extremely.....distasteful? as in, so ugly that i never even think about doing it. i suppose the horror of ugliness is a kind of restraint. or perhaps, you could even use it as an example of how art, or rather, aesthetics tend to civilize. like, i know that around here people can be fired based on suspicison, but i only report with evidence. i dislike encouraging suspicion and paranoia in the enviroment, it tends to breed a lot of cunning.
oh yeah, my TV is finally working again. (but aircon just broke down) shounen club here i come! i hope they have KT performances <3 i super-miss it. ZOMG real face PV would be so much love.....or bokura no machi de too. bokura reminds me of another anime song, but i cannot remember the title of it, only that the ending lines is 'kimi wo tsunasade, isshoni...-something- futari de wo~oh~~' it's annoying. (almost as bad as that rain song
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:53 p.m.+
it was bad. that was enough to say. to lie in a darken room with the sun spilling through transcluent curtains, bathed in the glow of dying sunshine all red and yellow and smokey sulfur you think of nothing but the landscape of hot deserts and sandy ground and blue skies and distant hills and the sound of a car driving away with wheatfields higher than bicycles.
i wanted so much to get away but even the dogs that came were like that - playing fetch fruitlessly and never catching, never coming back ever again. don't stay, don't go - what should i want now? i just don't want to be this person anymore. is it possible? to shrink into the lightness of being without the unbearable weight of living.
today was just bad.
i am so sick of it.
the summer love song that doesn't know me, that dying sound of crickets and the locusts of spring - what beauty? is the sweet decay of spring. i miss the hard cold winter where everything in hidden and unchanged. inertia of the mind. i hate this. i wish to hell they'll stop it. but i can't. it is not the person that is me, but rather, the thing that is of me that causes such anguish.
kiekegaard.
despair of being one's self
of being powerless to become Other
right now
the sun is trying to kill the moon
and right now
i wish i could kill the sun
[look right through me]
[paperwhite sky]
[in glassedjewel box]
[light that blinds]
[is actually?]
[look right through it]
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:54 p.m.+
[All these entries are backdated and unsent because i didn't see you online that day]
28-3
akira,
it's 10.26am and i am totally sick of working. honestly i can't imagine an entire lifetime of an office job - i daikirai it! i never want to be a salariman so then we can run away together and live in a drain underneath a city and be squatters and look cool and mysterious to everyone. if not for CSM, i would quit right away because i don't really need the money anymore. if you were me what would you do? on one hand if i quit, i can't go CSM but i can join natz in melbourne and do journalism then proceed to JET. if i don't, i can go CSM, become bankrupt and study in SG and have to work once i leave uni. long term, which is better hmmm?
decisions are so terrible hahahha....do you remember how you used to scold me for being so terribly indescive? and then i'll say no and you'll call me a sponge and make bloopbloop noises. i miss not having to make important lifechanging descisions and just sitting around in Kino - the last time i was back i didn't have enough time to go Kino at all! isn't that so terrible? i want to go there and sit and read astrology books till my legs get cold and shaky then go downstairs to eat hot cheap pie and takoyaki and then go HMV and look at Very Expensive Imports.
11.43am and the shit hits the fan. One of the cooks want to resign and another makes yappy noises on how his contract is up and he doesn't want to work anymore. and just 2 days ago we caught another 2 for drinking during working hours and fired them. and i never knew about it. never. it's like i ask and i ask and they never tell me anything at all. and then my BOSS has to tell me what is happening in MY department because my subordinates never tell me a thing. do you ever feel useless? have you ever felt so helpless and useless? honestly at this rate I should be the one getting fired because i don't even know what's happening in MY OWN department. and fuck, i was in there just 5 mins ago and no one said a thing.
i feel so fucking useless.
i just don't know what to do.
it's like totally beyond me.
i mean, besides asking them if everything is fine - what can i do? i can't do anything if they don't tell me and besides, i'm not exactly the best person suited for conselling others to stay on the job (when i want to leave so much). i've barely been here for a month. but seriously, all this is merely excuses and it doesn't change the fact that i didn't manage as well as i should.
i'm just so disappointed with myself.
i should've known better.
i should've done something.
i should've been more.
---------------------
28-3
And another new reason why china sucks is because the bloody people are too fucking touchy. I mean WTF. A cigarette is only a cigarette and not some weird complex socially symbolic gesture regarding who is the more dominantly powerful party. AND! people complain i'm paranoid in sg. liek seriously, i'm nothing compared to the mind games here.
look. i was just asking why they left without me. not something particularly complex. i miss life when a stone was just a stone, a spade was still a spade and friends were just friends. for a country so garish with wealth and materialism, filled with people who are balant about mistresses and sex (and randomly asking for people's number!) they are alarming sensitive about trivalities. maybe why i don't really like it here is because i'm almost the opposite of that. i prefer subtly in romance, dislike the ostentiousness and extremely direct in dealing with personal matters. for me, it's either You Want or Do Not Want thing. i won't ask again, i won't get offended if you refuse and i honestly don't care if you accept or not because if you don't, someone else will (or i'll just keep it for myself).
seriously, Too Fucking Touchy should be China's national slogan or something.
------------------------
29-3
here is a more lighthearted message!!!! i wish i could add emocons like kame does lol~ but usually i blog on notepad (during workhours *gasp!*) i'm being eaten alive by mosquitoes i swear - no one else gets it as much as i do. i hope you can come here, because then we can eat curry fishballs and drink bubble tea with jelly and sit on motorbike taxis and get foot massage and wash hair. it's really cheap to get your hair done here - like 25rmb for a haircut + wash. if you want to dye/streak your hair, it's only 95rmb. i really want to get blue streaks the next time i cut my hair, it sounds like fun!
'girls are like flowers' sounds like 'boys over dango' except that the former is how all china men treat girls and the latter is a drama serial. hahahha....it might be chauvenistic on the outside, but i think in the end it's actually equality? i don't know. i mean the guys here really really try to be manly and shuai (i mean try) while the girls here are all "si wen" and damsel-like as possible as in - they don't drink, carry hankerchiefs and teh like mad. so it kinda balances out. the 'manly' factor ensures that even though girls are considered as weak, it's ensures that the guy will defer to the girl's wishes.
even though i spend a lot of time with celine (and i like her a lot too), i actually think uncle lim has a better grasp of living. he's in charge of quality control (aka. QC) and he's very very moderate. unlike everyone else here, he doesn't smoke or drink frequently nor does he have a china mistress *koffunclesam+lohkoff* he's more quiet. but i think that's better? cos it's more self- ocontrol? when i'm with him i have less urge to do crazy things. plus also he's more distant with the staff so i never need to worry about what other people think. less likely to get into trouble lah.......if with steve and celine, people will talk cos celine usually goes clubbing afterwards and steve brings me back so it's like WHOA! gossip. also....i think he's okay but i don't -quite- trust him. at the end of the day, he is still basically a chinaman LOL.
10.41am and i am supersuperbored. i hope there's solitare on the computer darnit. okay my current high score for solitare is 2540 ^^v even it's funny because everyone works particularly hard around me, not knowing that i'm sitting behind blogging and playing solitare. blogging isn't very hard to hide because i type my reports in english too, which no one else can read. even though in china they study english, usually the standard is equal to kindergarden english (including university students!)
15.43pm now and i'm still doing the stupid chai dan for tomorrow. this weekend i'm going HK with uncle lim to eat dimsum and find loli clothes and check out the HK science museum.
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:18 p.m.+
Okay I seriously need to blog properly but I'm tired so...
Yesterday
-Afternoon shit happened
-die lah, shit happened
-went out with steve and celine
-raced to the bustop
-ate den dan and redbean icecream
-met a guy vainer than uncle marc
-who is dieting with me
-an jiao
-the ginger an jiao hot like mad and got cooked
-watched basketball on TV
-taught steve how to do a hiphip thing
-he totally sucks at it
-he sucks even more than mom and aya combined
-i think he's an okay person now, but not much else
today
-TOO FUCKING TOUCHY! = China's National Slogan
-like seriously uncle sam, i pretend i don't know
-maybe that's why he was so pissed cos i caught him
-UNCLE SAM YOU NAG MORE THAN MY MOTHER
-srsly, some people need to sleep more.
-i'm talking about YOU, pls lah party on weekends only!
-went out for fishball noodles with uncle lim
-and cut/wash hair
-and lut zi cake
-and ginger an jiao
-omg i must really look like a kid
-it's the haircut! it's almost hime-cut
-but seriously i am actually older i just look young
-I RODE A MOTORBIKE TAXI TODAY
-AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVA!!!!!
-can you imagine? holding a cake and bag and on a motorbike
-I LOVE IT<3!!!!
-going HK on sunday to renew my visa....AND GO EATING AND SHOPPPING YAY.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:04 a.m.+
When the world ends it always comes with music and tears and you'll think for a second that the song and the tears meld together so no one can hear to crying and dying inside because when the world ends, it starts from the inside and crawls out until you bawl out your sorrow so loudly it could shatter everything and nothing and the music keeps playing and playing and playing and people come knocking to to lower it down and all you can hear the roaring fury and heartbreak and music and tears that never ends once the world begins to end.
my hands are shaking
i've never felt under such tremendeous pressure in my life - the entire weight of my own being weighing heavily like a despondent stone, the stress of thinking and planning and thinking and planning and thinking and planning that never seems to end but build up over and over again until I want to just throw up my hands and go: I FUCKING GIVE UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. But I bite my lip and the skin peels off until bloody and sweet and smile like I really do mean it - meanings of gory violence and strangling on my hands not sheets but skin, sinew and neck. i feel like i'm going to fucking break apart any second because it's over and over again and i can't cry because no one should know and i must be strong and i can't fucking give up when i'm almost there and almost there and almost there it's just another 4 fucking months and no one cares so just grin and bear it and smile like you fucking mean it because it's your neck, your sinew and your skin that's under my fingers ah fucking hell
today just really broke it.
it was the poverbial straw on the poverbial camel's fucking back.
and such depthless, indescriable loathing.
you despicable despicable man.
thinking about it makes me shudder.
at this point in time, i'm going to OUTRIGHT say no one understands how i feel. YES. NO ONE. unless you're stuck in china filled with corrupted leechers and cunning men, and that your friends and family and singapore is worth only 30% and that you have absolutely no freedom and work from 8am to 9pm in the night so that you can hit enough hours to go study art and that your family would BS and lie to you because they can and WILL and that right now, humanity sucks and most of them can go rot in hell for all you care. all you can think of is achieving that bloody OverTime pay so that you can run free and finally take a fucking bus on your own without a carretaker over your shoulder. you think of people who are actually friends who don't want use you for personal advantage unlike that family of biological fucktards whom you happen to be born in.
oh kafe, i problably haven't sworn in such a long time that it actually FEELS GOOD. See? TSU CAN SWEAR. (liek srsly)
i'm despondent. i'm unhappy. i'm borderline depressed. i hate my boss-dad. i hate china. i hate work. i can't quit. the perfect salariman syndrome. aw fuck.
you know, all this would be solved if i decided not to go CSM. but fuck - I LOVE CSM. and i want to be there. because actually right now i've made enough to see happily through the next few months easily enough (like, right now i have at least 2,000 considering all the extra hours) but CSM costs a fucking lot - 8K for school fees, and I'm sure at least another 7K for living expenses. BUT DAMNIT. CSM IS WORTH EVERYTHING.
if you want to know how bad i want it - let me tell you my day. i wake at 7.30am SHARP, dress and leave to check morning produce which consists of smelly, stinky, bloody and raw items like rabbit meat or dog meat or pig's blood. i try not to be squeamish because FUCK, someone has to poke and prod and touch that damned stuff. then i grab a 15min breakfast which is really crappy and cold and lonely cos i'm always last due to morning produce check. i go to the kitchen again and ensure that everything is going well, talk to the kitchen supervisor and ask what's for today. i grab my laptop and files and walk to the Recieving Store and sit with that ugly, fat, corrupted old man aka. Zhu Jing Shun and make sure that while he's ugly and fat (and annoying as hell) he isn't being corrupted because I AM WATCHING j00. i smell his smelly breath and unwashed self and try to entertain myself with akame until he fucking gets away from me so that i can breathe clean air again. then i type. and type. and type. because SOMEONE HAS TO DO DATA ENTRY AND ANALYSIS AND THAT'S MWEE. can you sense my utter joy? at staring mindlessly at numericals until i want to peel my eyeballs out and smash some computers. i offically dislike micosoft excel while i'm at it. then Zhang Yuan Xi aka. store supervisior will call in a sickly sweet tone that belies the fact that she hates me and doesn't tell me shit and was that woman who CAUSED THAT SCRAP MATERIAL HELL HUR and tell me to watch the scrap process while she sits nice and dandy in her airconned office and i wonder why the fuck am i doing this. then i have to check on liu puo and ah yi and then they'll make black faces and look sad and tell me their entire lifestories and family ancestry. and liu puo will smirk and i really wish i could punch him. honest. then ah yi will cry. and i will feel like a fucktard but damnit it's my job. then people will treat me like some small kid over and over again but i still HAVE TO SMILE COS LIKE I AM ALWAYS SMILEY AND GENKI AND FUCK MY MURDEROUS TENDENCIES ARE POPPING.
someone prease kill me
(or send me to CSM)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:52 p.m.+
Invalid.
Wish you never ever mattered at all.
You know what really hurts most living here? It's not the loneliness or the lack of friends or the loss of certain comforts - it's the sharp, distinctive taste of being invalid. Disabled. Amuputated from freedom. It's so easy to take it for granted in Singapore - the ease of being able to cook for yourself, the ability to take a bus - that's what I miss most, being able to do my own things.
I feel caged. Behind bars. Just that, the bars are all in my mind.
You know, today the place was finally deserted. Everyone had gone out - uncle Sam took the BMW, Celine was in Macau and uncle Lim and Loh was back in Singapore. I was totally alone. I woke up to cook for myself (how long can you live on biscuits anyway?) and suddenly - I realized that I couldn't cook because I did not know. Like, how do I switch on the stove? Where is the rice being kept? Where are the vegetables? Meat? I couldn't even turn on the stove. So I made do with the rice-cooker. I mean, you know you've really sunk to the lowest of the low when you can't even boil water to cook maggi mee.
That's when I realized how badly I felt about this.
This suddenly loss of independance.
I can't even go out to buy my own dinner.
I can't call for takeaway.
I can't take a bus on my own.
I can't run anymore.
Always.
Here.
I went back to my room after what has to be the weirdest lunch ever. There wasn't anyone else here, but I cooked enough for lunch and dinner. I just dumped everything into the ricecooker - eggs, sambal, rice, frozen dumplings, defrosted pork, half a cup of tea and just let the ricecooker do its thing. It's hard to eat alone in a dining room meant for 7 - it's too big for a single person, sitting alone with 2 aircons and 6 overhead florescents trying not to feel awkward whilst reading a book. It's hard to ignore the feeling of being totally and entirerly trapped in a place where everyone else can go as they please except you. Someone must always be with you. Someone must always take care of you. Someone is always there.
That's how it's like being an invalid.
You have caretakers - you need to be taken care of every second, every minute. If you take a single step across the threshold of the company's hallowed grounds you must be with someone. Because apparently, even if you're a perfectly normal and healthy individual it doesn't fucking matter because you're like - helpless in China and you're weak and pathetic because you can't even take a fucking bus because you fucking want to.
I want to fucking kill someone. Now.
So today, I walked out. By myself. I walked out towards the edge of the road, I saw the blue sky and the endless traffic, I felt the wind in my hair again, the grass shone like deep sunglazed green - all leafy and redolent and spring. I watched the traffic: beat up cars with dusty bottoms with screens rolled down, bicycles ringing merrily along dusty paths with trucks carrying heavy mercendiase chugging past with diesel fumes and motorbikes honking for passengers - the sky looks wide and open, dusty roads and yellowed sunshine hot and rich and heated like old western films and girls dressed in skirts and boots with eyes and scarves with boys, arms around the waist and biking to the edge of horizon. I stood at the bustop, aimlessly waiting as I watched bus after bus roll by - never getting on, only watching and waiting and hating because I could never get on, on my own.
And I thought of life in Singapore - how I took that freedom for granted. Now, I would trade everything for the long, miserable busride to Orchard on the cramped 174. I'll do anything to be able to walk into a supermarket without someone else carrying my basket, watching me carefully lest I run off down the aisle and out. I'll do anything to be able to walk out like every other worker on their days off, because watching them feels like heartfelt envy. I want to go out on my own.
Here, it's like - I'm some kind of invalid. I'm not particularly surprised everyone insists to call me 'xiao mei mei' however annoying it is. Only small kids can't go out without supervision. I'm being supervised. I have caretakers - people who are made to follow and show me around, to tell me "This is a bus." (yes I fucking know, because like duh - I can read)Or carry my things. Or tell me I can't do this, I can't do that, I can't do anything on my fucking own because I'm like - weak and helpless and maybe I should flutter my lashes more often and scream for help like some fucking damsel in distress and see what happens hmmmm????
Everytime I have to ask for help, I feel like something in me is dying inside.
It's not that I can't do it on my own, it's like ....I can't because they won't let me. I feel so desperately unhappy because I hate depending on anyone for things I can do. Like walk. Or take a bus. Or carry my own bags. You know, one day they'll be asking me if I need help to pee and pass me a bedpan.
*dies*
It's difficult - particularly if you're used to be able to do things on your own. Like, when you go to school, do you need a caretaker to carry your bag, talk to your teacher, draw your chair and make you sit down? I'm old enough damnit! I'm going to university in a few months. I've been in charge of godknows how many societies and projects. I can do it. I can do things. I CAN DO IT MYSELF.
I just felt like crying then.
Just standing at the edge of the bustop
Too angry to turn back
Too frightened to get on
Oh god oh god I hate this so much.
I hate this feeling of being absolutely helpless.
It's like the worst feeling.
To be unable to do anything at all. Anything!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:10 p.m.+
Listening to: Killers
I woke up to a cold and rainy saturday - cold like the drizzling wetness of winter, all sluggish and wet and clumpy on feet. The sky was a dulled paperwhite - blunted silver hammer of boredom that pounded against my windows as I stared at the sullen sky, wishing that Saturdays were saturdays once again - all small letters and sunshiny like raspberry ripple and kinokuniya and stuffy buses and weekend highs. Anything but work.
I offically detest working on saturdays.
Went out with Steve, which was a rather interesting. He's like, posterboy for average young generation China man sterotype - which is : ethnocentric to the point of slight racism, very much concerned with materialism, borderline chauvenistic (but insidiously), technologically advanced, not very well travelled, enjoys sports, believes in a "good" marriage....etc. It's interesting, I mean, in a purely research based way. We don't actually 'click' in terms of personality and thinking (he's got a serious chinese-superiority complex and a anti-Japan attitude). We're too quiet together - I guess it's partily because we're both generally introverted. Anyway, lots of awkward pausing.
But, in general, it was okay. In that totally mindless, friendly proximity kind of way. I give thee a.....7/10!:D
So we went shopping - I bought drawing stuff (sketchbook,watercolours,2brushes) and enough sweet stuff to stock up. Oh! and two chesnut cakes. He got a pair of trousers and a shirt.
I watched the sea today, the way it sank into nothingness as the sky and the sea melded into the fog. Like a falling void, the vertigo of peering into and above to emptiness, the only thing real is the sound of lapping waves (you can't see - is it water or is it fog? or perhaps, is it your mind?) against the unseen rocks as you peer wonderingly into this bottomless end of world.
Dinner at this noodle shop (suan lah mian) place, which was pretty good. Then went back into my room and had half a chesnut cake. As in, half a pound of chesnut cake. ^^;;;;; it was so delicious! I couldn't resist~~~
It's almost spring now, the weather is warm and the sky is slightly - slightly blue. Tinted blue. Alice blue. When the sunlight shines on the grey water it suddenly sparkles - a shift of light, the clear reflection and the sky and the sea seems to be a fairytale of grey. It was like that, passing the long bridge from GongBei to JingAn, the mountains on the left, stormy and dark and dulled and heavy with greyblue rainclouds and the still, fairytale of monochrome sparkling on the right.
I could have just sat there, daydreaming forever.
Anyway now I'm sitting on my bed, laptopping and drinking my red rickshaw tea at the same time, contemplating on waking up late tomorrow and eating cake for breakfast. I'm thinking that perhaps, I'll spend my day as slowly as possible, savouring the feel of not needing to do anything at all and listening to music with the speakers plugged and watching chinese news on TV. Maybe I'll daydream while reading a Murakami book, and fall asleep with unicorns and sheep gods and salarimen in wonderfully strange situations inside what is normally an ordinary wonderland of Tokyo and Other.
Love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:08 p.m.+
i thougtht of you
suddenly
an unbidden image
the grayness that reflects my own
i wanted to talk
and all i could start was a
'hi'
'how are you?'
I thought of many things.
The skin prickles at thoughts, flowerscents - I miss the taste of raspberry ripple on bread along Orchard Road with the heat of the sun melting into a gooey mess. I miss the smell of wind untainted by smoke or oil or gas, of sunsets and skies that bloom fleshred or violet.
I miss my sky.
aren't you glad i found you?
----------------------
When we were Giants
We dreamt big dreams fit for mice and men
All Gods fell before us
Our birthright, our sublime destiny
Unconquerable, we stood tall
Relentless, merciless, shining bright
Glorious explosion
into
deafening reality
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:09 p.m.+
It's too bright and too sharp - your smile. Like an overwhelming glaring headlights that burst out from the darkness like an overheated star. Happiness Isn't it normal to fear it so much?
I don't know what to think anymore.
----------------------
Okay, talked. I feel much better. Kind of. It's weird but the person I talked to is also a libra hahahah~~~ maybe it's a sign that astrology is total crap? I get along with them better than most. Anyway. Yeah.
I was kinda uncomfortable today - it's like a small thing but I just was. I just don't get along with people so openly....I must like you first. And I detest the idea that I need a babysitter. I'll rather work. I'm just shy around strangers I barely know >.< especially guys. I don't know, I just hope she doesn't do it again. I really dislike it. Then again, it could be that I just think too much over small things.
I miss audy ;_;
I miss her now
*gives best spoilt!brat expression*
I want someone to talk to
who will understand
without laughing at me
*sighs*
Okay. Bathe. And then it's time to start.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:08 p.m.+
OH MY GOD I GOT INTO LONDON UNIVERSITY OF ART!
I'm so gloriously happy that I'm actually scared that something bad will happen. Like, it's tempting fate too much to be this happy. I don't care. I DID IT. I got into CSM, and Wimbeldon. I have a PLACE in ST. MARTIN'S SUMMER SCHOOL. As in, THE BEST IN THE WORLD AND SHIZZLE OH MY GOD ALEXANDER MCQUEEN WAS FROM THERE-feeling. As in, I BEAT 5,000+++ APPLICANTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND GOT IN. As in, I GOT INTO MY DREAMSCHOOL.
Yeah, something like that :D
I signed the acceptance on the spot!<3
After 9 weeks of St Martin's summer course, I'll be in WIMBELDON COLLEGE OF ART. As in, the MOST HIGHLY SOUGHT AFTER DRAWING SCHOOL. DRAWING. I AM GOING TO A DRAWING SCHOOL. THAT HAS A DEPARTMENT OF DRAWING. *gapes* Can I get any more fine art than that? Can you believe, I got accepted into fine art? I can't believe it, because it seems so fucking unreal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so nervous and I littered over the floor and I don't care anymore but I DID IT DAMNIT. I PROVED DIDN'T I? FUCK YOU DAD FOR SAYING I COULDN'T.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:31 p.m.+
home is a dreamy wonderful place
it's so nice to wake up - unfettered, languid, drowsy
and so sweet
to fall back softly
back into dreams
I'm really worried about tomorrow's interview. Hopefully I'll be able to turn it on like Sunday, and charm the bejesus out of him. Hopefully. I realize that it has it's limitations, but it MUST work. I'm pretty sure that the key to it is the right kind of music. Music for me is, more than anything - a kind of key to unlocking things. Like when I write, I don't really hear the tune or lyrics. It's like a cheaper way of getting drunk - although I get really bad *bad* migraines if I listen too long. Like, bad enough for me to huddle in a corner and clutch my brain and cry.
That's really the reason why I carry muscle-relaxants with me. It really hurts and you're practically paralyzed with it.
Collected all my stuff, tomorrow I'm going to post my NUS app. It doesn't hurt to try for discretionary addmission, since I have NYAA and more CIP than you can shake a toenail at. (like, zomg! 103.5 hrs!) So right, since my grades suck so bad - why not? I am thinking like this even as I start to crave for my kurozato candy. Kurozato or actually kurozato nodo-ame is a kind of black sugar candy (more info here) I don't like eating it straight, but I LOVE dunking it into a cup of hot water with weak tea and cereal milk added and watch tv with my legs tucked into my blanket and bearbear next to me. (i like to do this after a shower, just before i sleep and stop thinking about work). It's strangely addictive, and it's not too sweet either. The best is ....you can find it in China JUSCO!<3 anyway I brought back a bag of it in SG, so you can spread it as you want.
I know the person said it tastes like toffee, but to me it honestly feels like an upgraded version of kopiko with this lovely dark rich honey flavour. And I personally prefer a crunchier version, which it a huge chunk of raw kurozato inside instead of molten candy.
Argh...talking about desserts, I am totally craving white bean paste mochi. The $1.50 one. I don't know...everytime I pass the wagashi counter in Taka, I go mad with desire to buy something. Usually I buy the chesnut monaka or soybean/peach mochi. Sometimes if I'm feeling rich, I'll stare longingly and pick something seasonal like yuzurin or my favourite - rabbitmoon crepe with milk paste.(they have it only during harvest festival)
I really love sweet stuff - like love. That reminds me, I have 1 kg of chesnut cake waiting for me back in Macau which I'm going to collect when I touchdown at the airport. CAKE!<3
Right now, for the weather and spring - the dessert I crave is cold den dan. The eggy, puddinglike steamed custard with sweet ginger syrup from HK. I'll like to add a glass of iced redbean milk too (which is basically evaporated milk, crushed ice and daosa) and.....soyabean milk from macau! In Macau, they serve it with tau huay floating on the top, kinda like a fluffy version of bubble tea. I wouldn't mind a strawberry crepe with milk icecream from Gongbei, or a cold icy bowl of yam paste with coconut milk and shaved iced from Marina Square....*dreams* cold yam paste! I love you~~~~~~~~
I think sometimes people undervalue desserts. They're usually extremely hard to make and yet they only come at the end of the meal. I like to think that eating desserts have made us more civilized, because no other creature on earth eats desserts except humans. I mean, a shark doesn't go: "oh I will have tuna for lunch, and a fat salmon for dessert." Nah. Animals just eat. Anyway, I'm feeling kinda tired so....DESSERT IS ALWAYS THE BEST :D
Okay, to finish it off my sweet rant:
| You Are Reverse Pocky |
 Non-conformist, but curiously a trendsetter With you, up is down... and it's a wild ride! |
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:56 p.m.+
Listening to: bokura no machi de
I think that's my favourite song from KAT-TUN, or actually - any JE song. There's something in the chorus that hits you like a perfectly well-aimed flick of the knife, aching. To me, it's like totally saying "Prease write wangst with me". Or something.
Anyway today was a good day that turned bad that turned good. It was good to wake up knowing that you could sleep longer because you didn't have to yell or do anything except reach out to grab and burrow into another soft fluffy people and mumble sleepy things to yourself (It's weird yeah i know, but my sis complains i talk in my sleep. but i talk to myself while waking up too. maybe it's a koyama problem?!?!?!) The bad thing was RIGHT AFTER, my grandmother called and I had a pyschotic!Ryo moment. Y'know, those typical pull-trigger-glare-manically-laughter-glee-hehehe moments. Oh God, it was....traumatizing. I just hate it when nosey people poke into my business all the time; asking for my birthday and passport number and what course am I taking and literally demanding that I follow it. And the benefit? Some mysteriously useless talk. ARGH LET ME DO A PSYCHO!RYO AND SHOOT THEM INTO GORY BITS PLEASE.
Went to the Education Fair. To be honest, all I wanted to do was curl up at Kino and read some dumb magazine and pretend to be be blonde (with yamapipi hair lolz). But, shikata nai~ must be done desu ne? So I went. Was absolutely bored. Bored after applying for a gazillion universities (in that random, I-spread-my-seed germination way). I mean - to some extent I perhaps care (in that I-think-I-should-duty-way) but mostly I felt the same as I was in ShenZhen's meat market. Slightly disgusted, a little annoyed, overly dutiful and a bit on the edge. Off-kilter. But somehow people like me more when I'm slightly "off" - it's a weird thing. It's like they become more drawn to me? I don't know how to explain it. But when I'm edgy and razoring on some mental jink - people practically do what I want. It's some weird thing. It's like the feeling of I know and knowing and knowing how to make plus moving? Like. I suddenly know how to make them want me. Anyway. Besides the point. I signed up for over 14 universities and didn't pay a cent because they used the Exhibitior's pass to do it for me AND true copy on the spot AND give me business cards. See what I mean? Everyone else had to queue (and pay. and wait.)
Even now I don't quite understand why it happens. I just wish I could turn it on whenever I wanted to - perfect for interviews!:D But it's weird. Like, being off-kilter makes people want me and me know how to make them want me. I didn't even say anything you know? It's weird. But the weirdest has to be the guy from the University of Art, London.
No portfolio, no sketches, no identification and he asked me for a second interview on Tuesday, 5.30pm. It's weird. He asked me to sit down, and we talked about stuff. Then he offered me a second interview like that. I didn't do anything special - I even pointed out that this was a pointless affair because I didn't really care, there are things now and that whether I got in or not didn't particularly matter either. Not any more anyway. I didn't even catch his name. We just talked, like the way people talk while having coffee and doughnuts. Weird. Anyway. Prof. guy said "Come on Tuesday for the interview. I want to see you." So that's it. I got it
Even now I don't know what to think. I don't really know if I'm suited for Art in university. I don't particularly care for restrictions. But hey, just come along for the ride right? Take it easy now
Then ate laksa (ohhhhh! how I missed j00!) and went home to find audy! at the doorstep. Too bad I was drained from the fair, or I would've been so much more energetic. Had pizza, stared at some clouds, got called "Shuuji" more times than I could count and was used as a pillow. LOL~ It was so nice - so comforting like sinking into a bubble bath with floating ducks and skin pink from water warmth. That kind of happiness~ Anyway it just spoils talking too much about it. So it was nice. (and I need sleep!)
Eek the dumbest thing is tripping over yourself AFTER the stairs and zomg acclimatizing gives you pimples! *horror* It's so ghey but EEKK! So gross!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:41 p.m.+
I'm in a weird mood. Maybe it's something to do with my thinking, a mix of hyperkinetic wonderlands mingled with melachonolic angst and comfort!smex and the sad, slow electronica stoner music I love.
When I hear it, I think of drainpipes. Drainpipes and rain and windows and someone singing will to the window.
Anyway, I hated the ending for Hardboiled Wonderland And The End of World from Haruki Murakami. Maybe it's because it's something a bit too close for comfort, because it's because I just really hated the ending. As in, enough for me to throw the books across my bed and shout "This is stupid!" . I rarely ever do that, by the way. The last time I did was a Henrik Ibsen play "Wild Goose", but Ibsen was an exception - he's Norweigian and angsty and mad, so it gives him the right to piss me off. Murakami is more like a metaphysical plupfiction sandwhich. You know? The kind of stuff lit students read on their day-off. As in not exactly pop, not exactly lit. I read it like I eat a ham sandwhich - delightful during lunch, but not enough for dinner and usually wonderful whenever I'm in a peckish mood.
So. I have to say, in terms of my criteria - Hardboiled Wonderland does not fufil it. In the same way I dislike Norweigian Wood. It's no big deal, except of why I was actually that pissed off. It takes quite a while, especially for a book - to piss me off.
Maybe it's because I faced the same problem, but I decided to jump. Maybe I was angry that he didn't jump and I did. Maybe I regretted it. Maybe I felt slightly guilty for neglecting and abusing my own creation. But see? I didn't create anyone with me. Mine was a personal universe. Even now, still is. Is a place no one can enter - perhaps not even me. i use it as a way to fall asleep, like a key. all i have to do is replay it with different recreations and the same feelings: like a musical keyboard of emotion will make me fall asleep. maybe i miss living there.
maybe i don't know. i don't like to think about it.
i just know that maybe i don't want to know why.
It's things like this where there's no wrong or right. Like y'know, there are things out there - you say things with your arm outstretched and waving aimlessly in a vague direction and wonder if you even know what you mean. Anyway, things. They don't need to be right or wrong. They just exist.
Okay enough of rambling~
God, it's like mental diehorrea or something
le Chinoserie Syndrome anyone?
----------------
Ahhhhhhh! I'm addicted to Ryouchi and Akame. Or more like, I prefer their fandoms because they have the same kind of zomg!wangst that I usually find in my Sei/Sub fandom. I really like angst. Could it be a character trait? Personality quirk?
Or maybe I'm just interested in the concept of longing
*muses*
It fascinates me, to be honest. I'm not so much into the angst or character as in the idea of suffering. Say, take Kiekegaard's proposition that humanity is doomed to despair with only the redemption of faith. Apply that to humanity. If you say faith is a kind of belief, and belief in love is redemption - then the words: longing, yearning, despairing are merely signs of living in sufferance. It fascinates me, maybe because to some extent I think it is noble? I've never really been able to understand why - perhaps it's a subconscious remenant from childhood - a leftover guilt that someone could be faithful, could be devoted, that something eternal could exist in something as fickle as human relationships.
So for me, it's like candy.
You stand outside the window, looking in
wondering.
You'll think "impossible", "unbelieveable"
so tremedeously that you
keep testing and testing and testing
just to reassure yourself that it
exists
Okay that's a bit too truthful now, even for this blog. I don't know why I said it. Maybe it's the endless looping music. Maybe it's secretly frightening and strangely liberating to admit it that I like it because it fascinates me. Maybe its because I almost can't believe it exists and I want to believe it so badly that I read fics to make it go away.
Doesn't that make me a terribly pathetic person?
It's so odd - that people think you're strong when you don't think you are. Am I a strong person? I have never felt it. So why do people sometimes say it to me? I don't feel it at all. Mostly I feel stupid. But that's what courage is, isn't it? Courage is being too stupid to run away from danger. So in what way, does that make me strong?
Mostly I feel fragile. Maybe. Slightly cracked at the edges. I know how bad it can get, so I protect myself. Does that make me strong or weak? The protection makes me strong, but is that real strength? Since I avoid all confrontation if possible? Does relying on people make you weak? If so, isn't ignoring the need for people equally weak?
That's why I think people make too much of an issue of that strong/weak thing. It's not about strength or weakness when people talk like that. Secretly, they mean pride. So if you look past it, it's just another balancing act. Another game to play. Technically if you get past the strong/weak - then you have no pride to destroy you, but also no pride in living. It's like how having no self-esteem makes you pathetic, but having no self-esteem means no chances of humilation.
So, about effortless things.
I thought about writing.
I think maybe I would like to be a writer.
It's a strange realization.
Simply because I never wanted to be one.
Let me explain: I never wanted to be a writer because I felt it was an unachievable goal. Kind of like, an impossible dream feeling. But the idea came to me because of the merest of things - blogging. That the idea of not blogging even for a day bothered me. I wanted to write because I had something to say. I wanted to say it. It didn't matter to who or when or even if someone was listening as long as there was a chance to be heard. And it was perhaps then, that I realized how much pleasure there was in it. That fame and glory was merely secondary to the experience and caging of words.
Something like that.
Writing irritates me, because it feels incomplete
As though the data hasn't been fully processed before being spit out.
---------------------
Hahahaha okay, it's really time to think more lightheartedly~ but I like thinking like that. I do it often, but I prefer to be private about it. It's like, I'm not fake about being genki - to me this isn't really angst, and more like evening reflection. I just prefer being genki around people because it's much more easier to relate to people like that, rather than speaking out private thoughts.
I mean, these are private. And not fully detailed either.
Something I really hate is when people read my blog and assume that I write everything down and therefore they have the right to give me (usually useless) advice. The main reason is that if I actually wrote everything I thought about during the day, it would be 100++ entries/day. Usually I just edit out to the main parts - like road markers so I know what it was that day. It's my decision to let you in to the entire issue or not. So. If it seems like a discreet issue, please don't mention it.
all the ravens are leaving this town
black clouds with wings
cawing sighs of killing winters
i think of a golden sunset and high brown walls within lies a sandstone village brilliantly lit by autumnal light. then the ravens rise distinctly with beady ebony eyes and fly over the wall and eclipse the sunset as you watch, leaning far out from the ponderous clocktower. something about words lack the image. the idea of a lush, spreading valley with animals in shaggy growing coats and the omninous clouds of harbouring snow and the sounds of people shuffling from work and the syrupy sunset. i mean, i'm there. i can only capture a bit of it and bring it back in words. it's so hard sometimes i want to give up.
okay.
whatever.
i've said too much, now.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:53 p.m.+
I don't know how to start. For me, it seems like life and all it's words can only start on second pages - tossed suddenly blanked and uncontextualized into emptiness, sudden and swift and somehow metaphysical and tautological. I mean, don't you get it? I can explain, but it's adrift - unanchored by anything except the marginal guidelines.
So it's going to be like this - mad and crazy and rushed and somehow illogical. "Freestyle". I think of China, this huge desolute landscape of grey and desaturated spring - everything leeched of colour by the cold and humorless winter. Dulled senses and lazy fogs that roll across landscapes - sunless lands illuminated by a luminous glow. Daylight in monochrome. I think of the dust and dirt and the mad orange hairstyles that Zhuhai currently favours, the undercurrent of cunning and shifting sands of political favours..........the meaning of power. Perhaps maybe I went to China for my own sheep chase - the exactness of power as a definition. Even if I told you, would you understand? Power is a neblous thing. Power is the meaning of bounderies. And all boundaries, are beyond.
The only colour, was the people. Think of sprawling cities - stuff you never see in Singapore. Trucks larger than houses trawling in the middle of shopping centres, pedestrians in tight shirts and skinny jeans and the loud semi-musical call of illegal DVD traders, the taste of sweet creamy strawberry crepe with crispy skin, the feel of wind in your hair as you drive down endless roads - just long, winding roads with no end in sight. Distance. Where everything is like a fixed photograph - repeated landscapes of lolling mountains and grey sky and bananna plantations and wide, wide roads. I slept through most of them, my head tucked to the side, curling against the moldy, wellworn chair and hair buffeted by the wind. I remember thinking how much I loved this - this feeling of long distance, of never knowing and just moving endlessly into...........into what? You could never see.
Just hopeful and waking up with a neck crick in a new destination.
I think of feeling: Same/Different. Shenzhen, Jing An, Doumen, Gongbei and Macau melting into the feeling of that. It's so difficult to explain. In a way it looks the same, it feels even a little of same. But different. How it is different I can't really explain, neither can I explain why is it alike. It clouds your mind, elusive. You just know. Like that. Something about long distances and space and humanity management.
Coming back is like waking up to a technicolour wonderland. You don't really realize how much Singapore is Singapore until you live someplace else. Like a oversaturated hardened shell of whizbang efficency - something of a candycoated mafia lollipop. All hard and crystal clear and deep and carefully refracted into different flavours and colours. I think - pineapple taste. With a little soda. Maybe some glitzy wrapper to go with it.
But the biggest change is maybe inside. Like a sucking whirlpool that hides beneath a placid lake - the toilet bowls of natural plumbing. Not a ripple. But there is it - drinking, swallowing and sucking dry. You can't see it. You can't verbalize it. It just exists. Tunnel to the End of the World.
For one, I don't think of the future as deeply as before. I don't worry about trivalities. University applications for one. Courses, I don't either. I haven't really given up on anything, perhaps you can say - my piorities shifted. It's like happiness changed. Identity changed. Something changed. Everything is now nebleous, unmade, reformed, reworked and placed into a new context.
It's strange to think of it now. To be honest, I could do without JE or EGL or anime or drama or whatnots. Perhaps to some extent I have outgrown it, or maybe it's more like my interest has shifted and dissolved? It can't be "lost youth" because I still laugh and smile and feel very "qing chun". It's more like a feeling of contemplation, of knowledge that you can deal with whatever the future has in store for you because you have something - that something you earned for yourself - that no one can take away from you. That's right. You're you now.
In that indiscernible, beyond genetics and science and memes and astrology can say.
And ever still, I think maybe I appreciate my family and friends more than ever. Especially my family. Particularly my brother. Maybe. It's difficult to tell. When you become in love with long distances, then you'll know who you really can do without, and desperately need.
I have so many things to say. Like, old entries to add from the 7th and first week, and how the Shenzhen "talent market" is really like, and the idiocities of people and the ridiculous people I interviewed, and how ghastly the flight back was, and how hot the weather is to me now, and how happiness is less definite than you think and that perhaps, it's merely too abstract to comprehend so all you have to do is sit back and enjoy it.
I'm a bit lazy to backdate though
And also, it rather messes up my order.
But those have to added I guess? If not they'll rot in my notebook.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:55 p.m.+
Tomorrow I'm going ShenZhen with Celine to recruit people! Isn't that cool? I've never been on the "recruiter" side before, usually I'm the one being interviewed.
And despite everything I say about working, I'm really learning a lot - the hard way.
Here, I've learnt that the ENTIRE Chinese myth ie. everyone is hardworking and disciplined and improvished and desperate for work - is TOTALLY ENTIRELY FALSE. First, they are as lazy as anything. Lazy. LAZY. And lazy in the most stupidest way possible. Like sleeping in public (and the lame-ass excuse that 'I didn't know I was sleeping! I wasn't') when you are sooooo sound asleep that I can take a picture of you with my camera phone. Or suppliers claiming that 40 kg is actually 30! but it was typed wrongly. Or my absolute favourite - the way they toss the work from department to department ie. cleaners only clean, therefore if something gets damaged and they see it they don't need to report it because their job is only to clean. Hilarious okay??? And very very trying.
The myth that all of them are improvished is *also* bullshit. For heaven's sake - Wang Guo Qiang (the CIE supervisor) has a SWIMMING POOL plus TV, laptop and PC in his dorm. Improvished my ass okay.....I don't even have my private pool! And the current monthly paycheck (according to the market rate at ShenZhen) is 3,000rmb for an IT administrator. And the rates isn't stopping either, the pay is expected to increase soon.
So next time people tell you that China is a supercompetitor, you can snort and say UTTER BULLSHIT. Because most of them - can't or don't have managerial abilities. At most, they are competing at the lowest end of the labour market aka. garment factory machine operator or handphone case fitter. They will never be promoted because they're generally lazy, dishonest and corrupted as well as being totally inefficent. You know, they way they behave is like they never bother to think. They never think that maybe it can be repaired, or alternative solutions and automatically 'kai dan' (open purchase order). It's not that they're stupid, they're just LAZY TO THINK. So. They run to you with these nitty gritty problems to let you do the thinking for them.
Seriously half the things here I don't understand - but I don't need to. Like, how to operate the wirecut machine I have no idea at all (I'm not an engineer). But! I can still deal with them because all I need to do is push them and everything comes spilling out.
It's not like I enjoy scolding people or firing people - it's like what my boss says. ¹«Êǹ«£¬Ë½ÊÇ˽¡£Or in English, work is work and relationships are relationships. I mean, I don't mind lending money during offhours, but not during working hours. To survive here, you need to follow the rules strictly and to the letter (which is really difficult). If not, your subordinates won't respect you and worst of all, you lose that professional reputation. You become someone that can be corrupted - at least in their eyes.
That's really why I find it so pressurizing to be in China.
The constant scrutiny and white noise really gets to me.
But I think, I've acclimized somewhat. I derive some satisfaction that things get done my way - neatly and orderly. They cannot fault me for my work performance because I work OT sometimes and I take everything they say in serious consideration. I have a daily routine now, which is rather comforting to have. Wake up, check produce, eat breakfast, watch the kitchen, go office, lunch, go check housekeeping, go office, find purchasers if needed, dinner and maybe night inspection. It's a very loose routine I admit, but it works. Like, everyweek I type a report. I don't need it to be Friday, but I usually hand it in on Friday because it is my routine.
So okay, my work resposibilities are managable.
So now I'm looking for more.
I've already kindof proven myself with the 43-stamping needles case where 3K rmb was lost. Tomorrow will be another test to see whether my instincts are developed enough to tell a good/bad person. Hopefully I can rise up to the challenge. I'm kinda excited, even though it's a cusory thing for others to go. Hahahaha....first time jitters? I don't know.
Although sometimes I feel very old and very tired - and sometimes I worry that I will never be able to 'fit in' with other people my age due to experience (I'm pretty sure that if in SG I was suspiscious, here I'm PARANOIDx100). I feel glad knowing about all these things. Knowledge creates distances yes, but it all depends on how you use it. Like I remember in JC1 I was so unhappy because audy didn't knpow the same things I did that I felt so apart - that's a case when knowledge is painful. But then, I also knew that she loved me, so how could it be right? So in itself, it is harmless. It just depends on perspective.
Anyway my ticket to SG is confirmed, I'll reach SG on Friday night 22:10. I'll be back in Zhuhai on Wednesday, 12.40pm. ^-^ Hope to see you all soon!<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:36 p.m.+
OMG I'LL BE BACK THIS FRIDAY!!!
That is, if everything goes as planned and there's no trouble with the airlines
It's just a piece of bad luck that turned into an oppotunity. Because my CCA records have been misplaced, I need to be there to sign and replace them so that I can send it out to NUS in time (April 1st, frikkin April Fools') So it turns out that I need to cross the border this week anyway, if not my pass expires and I have to pay a 500rmb fine/day. Then it happens that Celine is going back to SG this week and that everyone else is going ShenZhen for recruitment......and what to do??? Shikata nai right?? :D So I take this golden oppotunity to take the weekend off. Most likely I'll be back on Friday and will be in Zhuhai again by Tuesday. It's approved and everything, so the only problem is whether I can get a plane ticket so close to the flight day.
Pray that I'll get the ticket okay??
Work was okay today. The only problem is that I have a terrible headache the entire day due to tension and it hurts like hell. So I'm going to sleep it off soon and hopefully tomorrow will be better.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:59 p.m.+
Oi Kusano-kun!
He blinked. Kazuya noticed that when Jin blinks, he does so in a somewhat erotic and enticing way.
Blink. In . An . Erotic. Way?!?!?!?!?
*falls over laughing*
I don't know whether I should hug you for making me laugh or kill you for such TERRIBLE CORN.
*glomps*
Sankyuu for remembering!
love
shuuji-goma
+tsu waited for you at 06:12 p.m.+
Kusano-kun
I just feel so terrible today. I've had to dance cirlce with a whole pile of monkeys - real, irritating human ones from the shores of Monkey-China. The purchase order arrived late, the GM refuted his request so now I have to redo *everything* and worst of all, I've been made a fool of by my subordinate. I don't feel positive at all. I feel like going to a corner to hide from the noise and the world.
Did I ever mention how noisy this place is? It's so draining. There's no music here - just the repeteous monotone of the stamping machines, the sharp whistle of nickel plated steam, the constant ca-bang!ca-bang! of metal stamping. Pounding 24/7. It never stops. I think if I ever die slowly, it would be from the noise.
No matter how far I run to the outskirts of the factory
I can hear it
Endless
Sucking
Pounding
Noise.
I keep thinking of Sayaendo - I see it everyday y'know? During food inspection. When I see it all yellow and swollen and old I feel old too. Where are the green peas I remember? Why aren't they cute and smiley and chibified with the genkiness of swashbuckling pirates? Is this where my seishun would go? Lost in the world of old, yellowed peas?
The worst is the knowledge that everyone hates you. Like today, the entire fiasco regarding the scrap metal Would Not Have Happened! if she had told me. Because she didn't, I had to entire an extended journey to 2 earth weighing scales, pay an extra 94rmb, waste time negotiating for nothing. And now tomorrow, I have to tell her off. I just feel so annoyed and pessimistic now.....
And during the entire thing, all I could think of was Akame and Ryouchi and stare sliently into space and try to ignore her irritating face, her irritating voice and her irritated tone. (tossed between her and that HK woman, I wouldn't know which is worse and more san ba)
I miss your Akira-ness now, Kusano. I hate admitting it, but I miss your Akira-ness because rigtht now, I don't want to be the responsible and dutiful one anyore. I don't want to think of other people's feelings and worry about how to deal with tomorrow - my head hurts and I miss you too much.
I just want someone else to be incharge for a change.
I don't want to think of piority or weighage or whatever.
I would like to think - maybe in somewhere else a faraway place - I would bhe the lazy mamegoma on the beach rolling on the nice warm sand with the sea lapping at my feet and you, a huge mashimaro(!) trying to wake me up my throwing sand on my lap when you're bored of making sandcastles. Wouldn't it be so funny? Then Aya-boo and Sak-hamtaro would come and play with us too.
I guess it's just been a long day na.....
But there are always good days and bad days
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day
I'm just tired now
love <3<3<3
salariman shuuji tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:07 p.m.+
Yay! Adversary updated! Am happy but now I wish they'll hurry up with 5. LIKE SRSLY AKAME PLS.(if you do, I'll get you stuff from China hahaha 10 fics = 1 item)
Went out today with Celine hahaha so fun! Tried crepes, went clothes shopping (zomg so cheap) and found...KAT-TUN! TONY TAKATINI! LILY CHOU CHOU! Then snacked on milk icecream, chesnut cake, xiaolongbaos,binghongcha and other wonderfully edilble things. I even went to JUSCO! A true Shimotsuma Monotogari moment LOL - it's right in the middle of countryside too!
Dinner was fun and wacky, but the nicest thing about this already nice day was Akira's letter to Shuuji ^^ I feel so happy knowing that.....thank you so much.
Anyway I have to work tomorrow, like superearly again and it's really too cold to use the computer at night. With bearbear (who is warm) I can just barely stand it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:29 p.m.+
hellohello~
The swirly sign is actually the slash button LOL~
Ahhh...how have you been? I'm just sitting here, staring into space. Tomorrow I'm going out with Celine to GongBei to do some shopping.....I practically live on biscuits here LOL.
Work is tiring....officially I'm only supposed to work for 5.5 days, and 8 to 5 only. In actual fact, I work from 8 to 6~6.45pm and I work on Sat and Sun too. Depressing isn't it? It's mostly because I take care of the recieving of foodstuffs, which needs to arrive fresh and daily. Even though I can pass the job to someone else, I don't want to because I scare the suppliers and I don't like that there's an oppotunity for corruption if I pass it to someone else every weekend. So maybe for the next 2 weeks I do it everyday, then take the 3rd week off etc etc. As long as it's random, there's no chance of corruption. I rather like doing it thoroughly, even though it makes me more shuuji-like.
The best is that I get paid double for OT!<3
Isn't it so awesome?????
Even though I like the money, I won't trade anything to be with you now. I miss the Saturdays we have together, just randomly seeing stuff and talking about things in the most unconcerned manner. It's so weird to be working on a Saturday that I totally forget it is one - I miss going to the movies, gossiping about people, eating cheap supermarket sushi and hanging around Kino. Even though I miss you alot, I'm glad that at least - I don't regret that I didn't spend enough time with you. I'm happy I saw you the day before I left, and took purikura and ate icecream and talked about Kame's nipples (or rather, you did and I said no hahaha).
I wish you were here.
Maybe, maybe not - have no idea how much I miss you
Maybe when I get back to SG, let's go take more purikura
It's my treat!:D
Most of all, I miss just being around you.....like physically. Hugging dad is like hugging a chimmeny pipe.......he smokes so much! I'm problably dying of second-hand smoke more than anything else here lol~ I still don't know Celine well enough to hug her, and also she's my boss ^^;;; it'll be a bit strange yea? I mean, hugging your boss. If it was 2 guys, it would be like Boku No Sexual Harassment! In the worst sense of assumptions lol~~~~~ I just miss you. Like all the small things. Like the way you grab my wrist when I don't know what to do and I'm like just standing there stunned and you dragged me across the road. Or just sitting at the bustop waiting for the 174 and complaining how bloody crowded the bus is. Or being late (always!) and we'll send smses to each other in the morning like 'eh the bus is late' or 'sry i woke up late' or 'im gonna be late' - and we'll wait for each other at the noisy MRT station and search upside down cos there's so many people that I can't see you and you can't see me and we'll call and call......hahaha....small things. I miss that.
I'm not really home-sick. I'm people-sick. I miss people - not things. Like mom called me and asked me what do I want from China back to SG and I couldn't think of anything (except p0rn fics ¬.¬) How do I pack the flavour of happiness and security and love into a suitcase? I can only carry pictures of everyone on my handphone and think longingly of home. That's right. Home isn't a physical place - it's like the essence that you carry inside your heart, that is made with warmth and keeps you going. In the dark of the night with the machines pounding nonstop 24/7 with the winter fog and freezing wind - I can only think of home. Of you. I can think of aya's perfectly mundane complaints to be 'bai' and 'liang' and how ACJC sucks. I can think of mom's nasal whining and think fondly of her love of potato chips and how nice and warm she is. I can hear sak's soft 'mou' and omgomg!expression when we go shopping in Chinatown or Arab Street and most all - I think of you. Of how you are. How you're doing. How I wish I could be near you.
Tonight is a foggy night - it's not like SG haze, but dense and thick with lamps glowing like old fashioned gaslight in the darkness. I smiled to myself, sitting in the car with dad going on and on about his stupid mining business (oh god, I'll be so glad when that's over), singing softly to myself. Seishun Amigo. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you, but even the thought that you cared, makes me happy. Automatic. Fingers that moved from 2 to 1 and I laughed at my own foolishness, but I was happy I did that because then I think that yes! together we are invincible! And in the middle of the cold and deary night, I feel warm. And in midst of that long and tedious dinner (not to mention 3 people puffing away in an enclosed area until I felt like I was going to die from second hand smoke) - I thought of home. Dinner. Aunty's soup, kor's grunting and yien's science talk coupled with mom's work complaints. Soup doesn't taste right here, or maybe I just miss my own 'miso soup' LOL.....tesshi might have a point there. But I survived. I feel wam. Just dreaming about Akame and fics and home and you.
Like that.
How much colder I could've been if I didn't have the 'home' in my heart.
I almost miss Aya telling me how much my coordination sucks LOL
Tomorrow will be another long day~ 8am and the suppliers come in - heckling and noisy and I'll be halfawake still (thus, in the right mood to be pissed off) and I'll have to be demanding and firm and authoriative and then I'll be like that - that person. Not tsu, but someone who can deal with things. Ahhhh......but inside, I'll be sleeping and dreaming of home. Of blue skies. Of nightwind. Of everyone. Of you.
love
shuuji tsu
PS. Hotmail decided to die on me. St00pid cheena :(
+tsu waited for you at 09:21 p.m.+
and in the cold dark winter
with the cold dark sky
with a cold cold heart
the wind, the skin, the eye
brought to a blasted violent spring
OH MY JOHNNY CHINA BANS LJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*dies of Akame deprivation*
PLEASE SOMEONE EMAIL ME THE ADVERSARY FIC KTHNXBAI
I have too much to say now - mostly the deep feeling of being severely overwhelmed, more than a little lost and most of all - determined to never ever enter the coperate world again. If he thinks he's converted me by showing how ugly all human beings are, he's totally wrong. Yeah sureee, like fuck I care whether you drive a BMW or not.
Seriously though, my boss is pretty great. I like her, she reminds me of someone else (and is problably some earth sign, my bets is on capricorn). The sad part is that she problably cares more about me than dad does - isn't that terrible? I barely talk to me in SG, perhaps I thought in China at least we would see each other more (we do, but that's not the point). The point being, is that at the end of day - while I generally feel warm towards Celine (my boss), I feel nothing for him at all. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. I'm not even grateful for this, since he dumped me on the spot to someone else.
The worse is, he problably doesn't know and doesn't care.
For heaven's sake! He doesn't even know when my birthday is, or when I even arrived!
Fine okay, I understand you're a busy person. But my understanding has it's limits - and he crosses the line every singe frikkin' time. I'm not just someone he calls his "daughter" - if he wants to call me that, he should bloody well act like my father. I'm not particularly pissed off, but just resigned in this pathetically NOT unusual realization. (oh no! double negative sentance!)
Work is okay - even hates me or at least views me with hostility, but what to do? Shikata nai I can't do anything about it. But honestly speaking, I dislike doing this. I can understand why it is done, but I can also understand how they feel. I mean, I really hate it when people tell me how to do things and what to do - and I'm not exactly a stickler of policies myself, so I cannot say I enjoy what I'm doing. It's reasonable amount of work, I can handle it well - but I do NOT like it. Not at all. I'm doing it on sheer duty.
What really bothers me is how terribly lonely it feels, even among the people I live with. They're not my age, they don't understand the lanaguage I speak (aka.Dear Johnny, Why Jennifer, Pikame, Akame, EGL, LJ...etc) Is it wrong that I feel so displaced? If it was in another country, like school or something - I could easily make friends. But here I can't, because people don't trust me and also that they might take advantag and try funny things. So in general, I don't know anyone. And since I'm overseeing people, they are pissed off. Fucking hell.
It's dead of winter too, and it's so cold. Not just cold, but wind-burning cold. It's freezing cold that I cannot stand. The wind just slices through all that layers of clothing, sears on to your skin and hours and hours later, you can still feel that burning chill inside - no matter how much you try to get warm.
It's just depressing, to be here.
Worst of all is the lack of internet.
I've practically gone prehistoric - writing instead of blogging.
It helps though, somehow. And now that I have sak to send me a fic/week - it's really much better. Akame deprivation + lack of company + no internet + no blue sky = intensely depressing. God, I never thought I'll say this, but I miss the sun. Like, REALLY REALLY. Mr.Sun, I'm sorry I ever said bad things about you because I miss you - like, now
Talk of better things, I bought a kame. I haven't really decided what to call it, but I think it'll just be called "Kamekame" or "Akame". Like "A Kame" or "Aka-me!!" Isn't that so adorable??? He's so big and green and lumpy and humpy. Ahahahahahaha....I plan to watch Shounen Club and Music Station (Eng Subs) if I can. Music Station is Friday, 7pm and 11pm while SC is every fortnight.
okay, that's the only good part
I can't think of anything else
I miss gossip, I miss knowing where things are and discussing literary theories on syntax and linguistics. I miss arguing about philosophy to Mr James and Mr Fahy, or reading trashy magazines mom brings home from work. I feel so cut off from the rest of the world - I have no clue if Obama has been voted in or not, or if silver is really "in" or how many people succeeded in the appeal for Art. I have no idea what happened to anyone. And now without LJ and wikipedia, I'm more cut off than ever.
It's not just being isolated physically, but emotionally and intellectually too.
If you want to be really literary about it, it's like Heart of Darkness but instead of Marlowe, the main character is the poor ordinary fella from A Wild Sheep Chase. Like that. I feel like that. I wish it wasn't, but it is.
Today is actually the first time I'm desperately madly thinking of home, to the point that I teared up.
I don't miss things, I miss people. I don't want anything except that. I'm not particularly materialistic - that's why to a large extent I still think that the whole basis of this is wrong. Except of course, I can't get out now that I have willingly entered an agreement for 3 months.
Oh crap......sak you have totally addicted me to that Hana-whatever fic. Argh. I'm such a kid okay??? Really. God people please email me fics. I don't really care now, all I want is something mindlessly soul-wrenching. And I'm cold.
Yeah. Like that. Cold.
Inspection at 11, but I guess I can do it earlier?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:07 p.m.+
Added a shopping list, 'cause I won't be able to copy my bookmarks over - unfortunately.
+tsu waited for you at 11:11 p.m.+
Leaving on Tuesday morning makes me realize that I need to pack today, considering I have to fill in uni applications at the same time.
Random note: I think I have enough pink clothes to rival Yama-Pinku~
Checklist: Completed
Sweaters/Jackets (2 pink,1 white,1 black)
Shirts (1 green, 3 blue, 2 white, 2 black)
Pants (1 grey, 2 black, 1 blue)
Underwear (all pink)
Sleeping wear: 1 pink, 2 bluewhite
Slippers: 1 pink
Toiletries - soap, conditioner, cleanser, scrub, sheet mask, panadol, clarinase, vitamin c, vicks, eyedrops, toothpaste+brush
Pocky (1 strawberry, 1 choc, 1 milk)
Checklist: Uncompleted!!!!
Socks (need 5 at least)
Hairties (need 5)
Swimming costume (hot springs baby!:D)
1 Electronic Chinese-English dictionary (Popular bookstore)
3 novels + 2 comics
1 notepad
Stationary: 2 mechanical pencils + lead, 2 erasers + 2 0.3 pens + 1 ballpoint
Bearbear
Pistachio Jr.
Blanket
Discman + CDs + extra batteries
Tissue paper (2 pckts)
Last, but not least...........
audy Passport + photocopied documents
Plus!
- True copy documents at CHILJ (morning)
- Buy up nessescities
- 2pm, Orchard MRT lunch with Soshi
- 6.45pm, Douby Ghaut MRT dinner with Rosemary
If you need to contact me, just call my hp.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:54 p.m.+
Intently finishing as many applications as I can before I leave, it's easier than I thought it would be - except that I made a dumb DUMB! mistake of applying for the wrong courses for Melbourne and THEN! I forgot to add my student ID in the alteration form. Screw lah, bad luck right?
It's easier because after writing 500 words about myself for various UK personal statements, all I had to do was to edit it down to 300 for SMU. And so on. Yeah - copy, paste, edit. LOL. Anyhow, my preference is: NUS law, Melbourne arts, SMU law, SMU Commerce, NUS arts, UWA law. I think SMU might actually be better for me, since it's less stuffy. Stuffy professors = totally uncool.
-------------------------
Went to the London UK fair today, though I wasn't interested anymore (my brother was though). The moment I walked in I could feel the snobbery premeating the atmosphere. Like, "I-AM-BETTER-THAN-YOU" feel. Chin stuck out, nose in the air and haughty English accent har.har.. At that single moment, I didn't regret getting my results at all - can you imagine???? Being stuck in place filled with stuffy, snobby people who only thought of themselves and their grades and how they were the "elite" and everyone else was not. No thanks. Zomg, even the professors were like that.
The funniest thing was that the schools seemed to be on bad terms. LSE is so. not. talking! to Imperial, who was in return - actively competing with that young'un upstart snob of UCL. And Kings' College was absolutely ignoring every single on of their petty games, with an air of "I-AM-BETTER-THAN-THOU". It's like kindergarden all over again! Isn't that so funny? 'specially considering they're the creme de la creme (or so they say hurhur)
US fair is actually tomorrow, so we went back home and I prepped myself for Round 2, Heaven or Hell - Let's fight! aka. Talk With Dad. Didn't totally convince him, but at least now he knows it's really really no point for me to do Finance and just let me do an Arts major. If I go into an SG uni, I can save a lot on rent and stuff - and maybe I'll have enough to join the JET programme when I graduate. It'll be like an adventure! Wouldn't it be fun?
Anyway, I should get back to applications. Yeah. Important stuff.
----------------
It's strange to think I'm leaving this Tuesday morning, seems so quick. I think even when I'm inside the plane, I won't really feel it until I'm there, at night and I can't sleep because it feels too different and strange. I start work on Wednesday morning sharp. Isn't it so strange to think so?
I'll just try my best, and hopefully do a good job out of it~
Scary, but exciting. Exciting things are often scary, but that's why it's exciting isn't it?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:20 a.m.+
