Randoms bits not to sense + normal entry
Listening to: Say Hi!- Kokia
-----------Random Bits of Whatevers---------
Can you tell me you love me?
All three times a day?
Did anyone ever tell you, you're demanding?
Only the lucky ones.
How about once a day and twice on sundays?
Deal.
A drift of music
A snatch of tune
Roaring blue of a tidal wave
Ebb and flow
Into serenity
Lemon icecream
Melting on summer days
Cool crystals tingling on your tongue
Sweetness of extra whipped cream.
Memorary of light
I saw you standing, there
Sepia, orange and red
The flutter of autumn leaves- a smile
Your lips brush against mine - butterfly
I turn-
and you disappear
Laughter.
Have you gone yet?
You whisper, tease and torment
It echoes, following me
I follow you, the wind
Chase you - run faster and faster
Breathless- I lost you
to the night.
-----------------------------
LOL, E Math exam was amazingly easy, and I actually finished early! xD xD Was fun to say the least. Did the MCQ, dressed Sharon until she looked beautiful and did her makeup. I like doing makeup, it's lovely to make people feel happier and more beautiful~
Went to Far East to go shopping with Auddy. Persuaded (read: went into every shop) so that she could look at everything and actually -buy- something. LOL. Living with my sister was practice. Between both of them, you need the patience of an angel and the enthusiam of a child. It's funny how much they're alike~
Went to Kino soon after and read something else besides astrology (hey I have a life y'know!) and read of Etsumo Matsuo's book on water crystallization and commuication. Great guy~ Loved the book.
Talked to Mrs Alex...and........I don't know. She's so nice to me it's almost scary. Actually it's not but she's lending me Middlesex and giving me Blankets (graphic novel) and I feel really bad because I'm not the world's most outstanding student or what nots. Ack, I'm not even Judith-standard.
Quote: "A gift to a memorable student".
Damn I'll feel really bad if I don't get a distinction. She doesn't need to skin me alive, I'll do it myself.
So I'm planning to get her a book!~ Or a really good graphic novel. Choices are : Alex Garlands's Coma, Stephan Wright's Meditations in Green or Pushkin's Little Tragdies
And I'll cook for her of course. ^^v
Oh damn I'm going to feel really guilty if I don't do well.
Went home and ate my sister's wonderful hazelnut chocolate cake. LOL, Auddy being bored tried her hand at compatibility and it's bloody amusing how compatible we are. I mean it. The chart is next to me and it's bloody freaky. We should get married or something, LOL.
Like, ack. True Love. In caps.
And it's not even y'know lust It's the unconditional, beyond all human understanding, trandescendal type of love. We don't even have the decency to even oh, feel angry at each other because we always think it's our fault.
Ack. Sappy mushy (ohmygod) True Love.
Or to quote the astrology text: soulmates
I -DID- print it out however, not that anyone will understand it except an astrologer. LOL. Yes yes, it's complicated.
Auddy if you want, you can have a look.
I can scan it if you like.
But don't puke on your comp cos your mom won't like it.
Who knows? Maybe if you puke on the floor your stomach acid can eat away the 6 layers of polish.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Ahahahaha...I love you anyway.
You know that right?
Okay I'm not saying it again.
love
highly amused tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:03 p.m.+
Listening to: Embryo
Finally finished the whole thing, including aspects. Offically I'm pretty lucky, considering I have 11 trines. One of which, is Moon Trine Venus -_______- No I'm not having a lesbian relationship with anyone. Yet.
*dies laughing*
My A Math paper was terrible. Actually, positively terrifying. I hated it, I loathe it, I don't care if it's ordained in the bloody stars that I'm -supposedly- good at it because basically, I suck. Thankfully it's over.
Actually, I'm happy~
Beautiful sky today, clear glassblue bowl with that slow radiance that seems like sunlight is a heavy golden syrup that soaks deep green trees into emerald light. I drew aliens, dreamt of fics.
It feels like tall stone walls of steep granite, smooth to touch, almost like marble but with a matte -firm- greyness. Light shines down, golden, sharp like knives that slice through the thickness of grey.
Very cloudy feelings with flashes of illumination.
In this swiftly tilting planet
A still mess of cloud
Rising from the depth of grey
There's something very beautiful everyday.
Tomorrow is my E Math paper ^^ It's going to be hell but it'll be over soon.
Sheesh....what's up with me? The sunnyness is scaring me.
Okay, sunnyness will be over soon.
Soon I'll be back to writing and angsting.
Let's look forward to rain ne?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:28 p.m.+
Listening to: Machivellism
I'm so bloody AMUSED! I can't stop sniggering my heart out. It's just too amusing. Oh wait, not just TOO amusing. It's hilariously, crazily funny. Make that ridiculously funny~
As everyone knows, I'm an astrology junkie along with my good ol' friend Auddy and we go to Kino/Borders every week to read astrology/psychology, depending on our mood. So of course, we've progressed from Sun signs to Planets to Houses to (now)Sextiles, Conjunctions, Aspects and Trines. It's okay that you don't understand what the heck I'm talking about, just understand that it's tremendously important and funny~
Check this out:
Kaoru, retrogrades: Mercury in Pisces, Saturn in Gemini, Uranus in Libra, Pluto in Libra, Node in Sagi.
Shinya, retrogrades: Mars in Cancer, Saturn in Leo, Pluto in Libra, Node in Libra.
Toshiya, retrogrades: Venus in Aries, Saturn in Leo, Uranus in Scorpio, Neptune in Sagittarius, Pluto in Libra, Node in Libra.
Kyo, retrogrades: Mercury in Aquarius, Saturn in Cancer, Uranus in Scorpio, Pluto in Libra, Node in Sagi.
Points of Interest
Toshiya and Shinya have nodes in Libra, denoting beauty. No wonder they make such pretty women.
Surprisingly enough, only Kaoru and Kyo have favourable Saturn readings compared to be more restrained Shinya and Toshiya. LOL, no wonder Kaoru such a money-stinge.
All of them share a certain planet, if I'm not mistaken it's Uranus in Scorpio, which is exalted.
*laughs*
It seems that the more backward (retrogrades!) you are, the likelier chances of you being a rockstar. I didn't do Die though, too useless to.
I did mine too....-________- Auddy is gonna laugh at me.
Must get someone to print for me the trines and sextiles or I'll go crazy.
Interestingly enough, Shinya and other bandmember have near perfect combinations to mine. Which is kinda scary.......Auddy don't laugh. And I'm not admitting to anything. Whatever.
It doesn't help when I have 24 (!) aspects. Like, 24?!?
LOL, tomorrow there's A Math!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:16 p.m.+
Listening to: 24ko Cylinder.
Yay~ Bought Auddy's UnBirthday Present and had gelato. Absolutely delicious flavours of Pistachio and Blood Orange evn though Auddy said it looked like green vomit and highlighter ink.
Well, it's cute.
And Pistachio has been my fave ever since I had that as a birthday cake ^^
Went to Kino, read cooking books then Astrology, met Neko, showed her the all-corrupting erotic pottery book. LOL. These people have too much free time~! Read until I realized much to my horror that I've left my file in HMV after buying the -thing- for Auddy.
Oh shock! Oh horror! Oh death-stricken fear!
Walked back to get it back, thankfully, nothing was missing (esp my entry form for O levels) and headed to Mise Exclusive~ YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a nice laminated picture of Dir en Grey on my wall now and it's so pretty! Shinya looks sad and sexy! Totchi looks happy and sexy! Kyo looks grounchy and sexy! Kaoru makes a sexy clown!
*giggles and falls over*
Stuck it on the wall for inspiration.
To inspire me into greater lows of depravity and debauchery.
Wonderful ne?
Stuck a cute Forever Friends sticker over Die's face though.
Seeing his ugly face makes me want to puke.
So I stuck a sticker on it!!!
Talked about ficwriting today. Interesting how different people view it, and it seems I'm not the only one who goes around doing Literature reviews on various song lyrics. LOL. *waves to hysoka* Yatta~
I'm exclusive, elite and darn picky I guess.
Never used FF.net. You'll never see my name there.
Never seen at anywhere else but private, writer to writer owned archives.
Shy and insecure I guess.
LOL.
love get away
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:49 p.m.+
Listening to: Akeboshi-Wind
Feeling chippy of late, admirably cheerful in face of my greatest foe, E Math. The exam paper is tomorrow and I'm happily kicking my shins on the table top. I swear I'm just plain suicidal.
However, I -DI- (hah!) study. I spent 3 agonizing hours pouring over my textbook doing transformation questions until my teacher was perfectly sure I could do a stretch and a shear. Repeat after me: Stretch is parallel, Shear is perpendicular. Finished as many Paper 2 questions as I could and not surprisingly, I could do any question with money in it.
LOL, my teacher was amused, to say the least. Genes, I say, bad genes.
Sometimes I wish I was adopted.
I'll bet a million Sak does too.
For most adopted children, finding your roots and acceptance in the most important. For children like me and sak, ignoring your roots and totally erasing them is the most important.
They say that the number of genes handed down is 50%-50%
It's amazing how hard -we- actually try to ignore the acceptance of that fact. I mean, we have family but -yuck-. There's a general replusion to know that you're the blood and bone of -that- person and I've seen people actively deny it.
Even when we were kids, we all tried to look like mom. For my sis it was okay, cos she did resemble my mom alot. It was particularly bad for me and my brother cos we looked like dad, even worse for me, I had a certain number of talents that was my direct inheritance.
And we would get REALLY PISSED if anyone said anything about it.
We just didn't want to acknowledge that any part of us was part of him. It was his foulness, his evilness and as young as I can remember, I never wanted to be even LIKE him. Of course, you can't pick and choose, so I ended up -most- like him, except in gender. My talent with business and money, for example, is genetics. So is a very singular drawing ability and even the love for open sea.
You know something funny? Even after all these years, I -still- actively deny it.
It's a very sensitive topic.
So when I read about these kids feeling lost about being adopted and not knowing your roots, I just can't help but think: "Damn I wish I was like that." I bet no kid wants to know that their parents were druggies, alchoholics or adulterers.
It's so strange you know...so polarized.
One group longing for their roots, for something to tie them down with an identity.
One group hoping as much as possible to get out fast, forget about them, good riddence.
I personally think adoptees have nothing to complain about. If they're being adopted, means that someone wanted them so much that they tried a dozen different ways; poked -down there- by zillions of doctors and finally found you. Most likely they love you more than us common folk.
Of course, I have a rather perverse view of things, so don't bother about it too much.
Us commonfolk on the other hand, our births are much rejoiced, and later blended back to normalcy. If you're stuck with more siblings than most, the affection pie is thin and most likely you'll end up sharing. Less money, less everything. Even worse if you're saddled with a dastardly evil family which consists of evil grandmothers who are either stalkers (sak's case) or favouritists (my case). Then it really goes up the creek.
The most surprising thing about it is the common theme. It might so totally different you know, so totally seperate and utterly opposite, these two groups of people that no one would ever think that they shared a single thing in common.
But of course, like all good contradictions, they do. All they want is to belong. Funny ne? Even for us run-awayers.
We're all looking for our version of home, that's all.
love cause you will hate yourself in the end
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:48 p.m.+
Listening to: Garden-Dir en Grey
Site is up, all fiction/random will be archived there and it's ACTUALLY WORKING!
Go to: PipeDreams
Other stuff are coming along pretty fine, studied E Math, spent the whole day on source coding and photoshop, as well as signing link exchanges with various jrock/yaoi archives. Busy girl I am.
Won't be online tomorrow, firstly cos I have to study and secondly because my computer needs a virus scan, BADLY. Rapid deleting of old stuff, as well as downloading new stuff, so I rearranging most of the files, and problably going to defrag soon.
Okay, enough news for the shell-shocked, go see~!
PS. layout (for site) is going to be changed soon.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:22 p.m.+
Listening to: Kagerou- the Kousen Taiyou song, FFX-Suteki da ne, FF9-Melodies of Life FF7-Lifestream, Flowers in the Church Dir en Grey-Filth
No theme song today. Too mixed up I guess.
Oh yeah, be happy people! I finished more chapters!
[S-Teki] Kousen
Diffidere: Chapter Two
Feel like poetry today, like fluffy soft sappy love poetry. Slow, dancing at night under moonlight. Just the merest of movements. And tired too....
I've forgotten how much work writing is.
Went for tuition, I can finally do Transformations! Yay~ I still hate non-isometric transformations though >_______< Horrid things. Was an okay day, sort of dreamy, quite sleepy, very quiet. Quiet days, nothing much happening. And everyday "day". The only thing interesting I did today was sign up to be part of some focus research group.
I don't know why I did that.
Besides, why should I sign up to help research cosplay when I hate cosplayers?
Contradiction contradiction...
But as GA says: "It's better to be right and everyone think you're wrong than the other way round."
Talked a little to Nekoichi. I might openly say what I think here, but it doesn't mean she isn't a friend. It's just the closeness of it. LOL. Somehow, I doubt it'll make a difference. She cares alright, and she's a friend, but she's also everyone's friend. The reason why she doesn't have a best friend is because she's too fickle when it comes to attention.
Righto.
Very tired, I think I should sleep.
Late nights, after all, are not good for your health.
Too bad I'm nocturnal huh?
love suteki da ne~
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11.42p.m.+
Listening to: Cell Block Tango-Chicogo
Your Energy is Purple. You are a visionary with
unmatched intuition and spiritual
consciousness. The mystical world and
unexplainable forces fascinate you. There
resides in you a true dignity and nobility, and
others see you as a worthy leader, and loyal
friend. You are often very mature, with a deep
understanding of human nature, and you will
instinctively encourage and guide others toward
their full potential.
You find it natural to express yourself
aesthetically and artistically, you may be
involved in the artistic professions, a
religious organization, or in activities that
have a degree of ceremony and ritual. You would
make a good therapist, healer, psychic, or
entrepreneur.
What color is your energy?
brought to you by Quizilla
Toshiya's Abs! You flirt! A little show and tell
never hurt I guess. But...think of all those
people who just want to see the rest of you!
Let's be fair and share, shall we?
What Dir en Grey Anatomy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You represent... insanity.
You're quite a quirky little creature. You're
emotions are varying. You may appear childish
and innocent, but you have a tendency to freak
out. You're incredibly random, but it's good
to be unique. People know you're an odd one,
but you certainly don't mind.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
+tsu waited for you at 07:28 p.m.+
+tsu waited for you at +
Listening to: Akeboshi-Wind
You know what? Everything...all this problems...Over. I really have to be grateful for having my own Guardian Angel (GA).
He really listens.
It's like giving me the best advice, and it never fails. Most of all, he -understands- and doesn't say I told you so or anything. He's just GA-niichan. GA niichan who makes me believe in helping other people, believing in good and becoming a better person.
Keep trying, do your best.
He doesn't give me the answers
He just tells me to find them inside myself.
And...........
I understand now.
What I want isn't what I need. I'm lonely, that's why I like cosplay so much, escape for 5 mins to belong somewhere, even just for pretence. But it isn't good for me, and I knew it.
But it was GA that confirms it.
He's not a friend per se
He's an angel
And he chooses to be one
Just like the way I choose to be one for some people
I know what to do now.
All this....
I can get later.
Don't sacrifice yourself for it.
I have Auddy, Natz and GA
Why do I have to pay for a measly 5 mins?
It's not worth it.
Self-control
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:00 p.m.+
Listening to: Umbrella - Dir en Grey and A Little Fall of Rain - Les Miserable.
Went on rampage after yesterday night's inner discussion with self. ^_______________^ I kinda figured if they didn't care hoot about me, why should I give a toot about them? (rhyming technique!) Are we really friends? *amused* You don't talk to me, I don't talk to you. I don't belong to your little cliques and gropings (pun intended). I even had half a mind to strike Neko's name off.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me state my case.
I've never truly been a cosplayer, nor am I the most popular of school students. I'm sort of half-fish half-fowl, and I don't belong to neither. School people think I'm too "strange" and "freaky" for the usual teenage stuff...you know. Like those shopping things or boys. On the other hand, I'm far too "normal" or "sensible" to be a cosplayer. Cosplaying requires far more delusions than fic-writing. You need an ego, a personality and lots of self-esteem.
And cosplayers, like every other society on this darn planet, have their own rules and codes and whatnots.
Put it simply, I don't belong there.
And it's strange because well, part of me loves cosplaying and the other part just wants to kill them off. I like cosplaying, I might even love it. Except that when I cosplay, I feel so very alone, so very much alone in face of this universe even though there's roughly 200 people in the same room.
They're not my friends. What they feel for me is something akin to pity, distrust or just....I don't know. I can see it in their eyes.
Even Neko, she's a friend, but she will never be a close friend. She belongs to them, and she doesn't have much of a backbone when it comes to peer pressure.(no insult intended). She wants approval you see, basic human instinct. That's why even if she doesn't want to go out with Gloria, Bernadette et al, she can't. She told me before on the phone.
It's because they're there.
And she can't resist.
That's why I wonder. She doesn't call me. I don't call her. We swap CDs, that's all. Is that really friendship? The only thing that ties us together is a sordid past I'll rather forget. Except, of course, I can't. (damned be perfect photographic memorary)
So then, why is she a friend?
I keep asking myself, and I realize what I really need to do is kill half the people I'm linked to. They don't even -KNOW- me for heaven's sake.
I'm not a spineless uke. I'm not a cute and bubbly fangirl all the time and I'm not an anime sterotype. I don't like cosplay because it tends to focus too much on who you look like rather than who you really are.
So that's why I'm torn over this.
Part of me wants this. I love acting, I did plays before. I like singing, I like performing, it's in my blood, bones and whatnots. I love anime, and to a lesser extent, jrock. And it calls because every darn person wants to belong somewhere.
The other part- the purely sensible self - says no. It screws up your life, fucks up more relationships than you can count with a hand, and is utterly digusted at most cosplay behaviour. Geez, and I thought I was fickle and shallow. These people who have never really experienced ANYTHING close to hell, who go around talking like they have the biggest issue with the world and take SSRIs (Steronin Inhabitors) without thinking of consequences.
They can KILL you you know that?
And you don't really need it.
I suffer from a diagnosed disorder.
I don't take it.
These people take it because it seems cool.
Repeat after me: -What-Utter-Rubbish-
Sometimes I think I don't really belong anywhere.
Not here Not there
A little crack, space in between
And it's rather lonely in here.
Nothing fun about feeling like a misfit.
Red?
Blue?
*wonders*
Which will I be?
Ack. I'll stick to my purple.
for the moment.
-----------------------------
Random quizzes to cheer me up. Stolen from Auddy.
Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me
tsu was
a Kind Executioner
in a past life.
The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz
Raison d'etre Shinya. Coulda been worse.
Which one of Shinya's costumes are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
you are the song: egnirys cimredopyh
what dir en grey song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Mitsu to Tsuba!
Everyone's so perfect looking...mmm....
What Dir en grey PV Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
die
which member of dir en grey hates you the most?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm actually proud of that one ^^
Your date is KYO! You must be really nuts for him to be attracted to you!
And that's a good thing, considering how sweet he is! I'm sure you two will make a very KAWAII couple!
Who in Dir en grey would you likely date?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hey, you are Shinya!
Which member of Dir en grey are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yay I feel better ^^ Not fantastically pleased with the results though (date? KYO? >_____<)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:25 p.m.+
And there we have *drumroll* Overness!
Listening to: Dragon Ash - Shizukana hibi no kaiden wo
AHHHHHHHHH! Literature exam! Torturous! Surprisingly survivable. Okay. Let's get something straight : I'm going to pass because I managed to question spot the correct stories and themes, not because I'm a brilliant writer or whatever not.
Paper One was a gift from God, the question from Authur Miller's View from the Bridge was actually EASY! *gasps in shock* It was the Sec 1 standard style - Write role of chara, eleborate and give final analysis. Another interesting thing about the paper was that the poetry was easier than prose, a first. It's usually harder because they ask more questions and usually the questions are those annoying as hell ones like "Give an example of how the poet uses imagery to convery the theme. Substaniate." This time, they concentrated more on the feelings of the poet, which is much easier because you can use other literary devices besides the one they -force- you to write on. Plus, the theme was easy to understand (cross-cultural) and very relavant to most people.
I personally think that they made the paper easy so that everyone would pass.
After what happened in mid-years, I think they're sneakily trying to give us encouragement.
Besides, which teacher wants 3/4 of her class to fail miserably?
Paper 2 was harder, I ran out of stuff to say for Graham Greene's Destructors, but I think the other 2 stories saved me, especially The Machine Stops. The latter because I had a really good point right at the end, and when I skimmed through it, it had style. As in I managed to somehow duplicate the classy literary tone that sounds like I know my work.
Okay, I'm just really ecstatic about it. (re: understatment)
Quote Auddy: "The world is my cesspool". For Litshit that is.
Went to Kinokuniya, then to Borders. I think I must have read through at least 5 Fashion Photography books (big huge ones) and at least 2 Arcitechture ones. I like art. Yay. But I don't like the junk/rubbish they teach in school. No Yay. ^__________________^
Read the godawful nook that will forever screw my mind and defile it. It's a book called "Sex Pots." Yes, you read the title right. It's a book on erotic pottery (!!) Which sort of bored person came up with such an idea? Even -more- interesting, half the ceramics feature homosexual relations (esp. Greece and Rome). I'll never look things the same way again.
The worst was when we were walking out, a little -boy- starting singing a very familiar nursery rhyme:
I'm a little teapot
short and sout
here is my handle
here is my spout
when i get too hot
hear me shout
just tip me over and pour me out
*giggles hysterically*
I mean! Arrghh! Dirty dirty dirty....!! I need a good brush and detergent >_____< Horrifying right?
Had lunch at Yoshinoya, the epitome of fairly cheap and good food. ^__________^ It's nice. It's quick. It's healthy too (compared to other fast food). Headed to Border's and spent the next 2 hours reading Astrology.
Yes, I can totally admit to be an astrology junkie.
Not only does it help me write fiction, it helps me develop plot (eg. conflict) as well as try to decipher the actions of people (cos I'm fairly nincompoopic)
Joy~
It rained and we left when it stopped.
It's wonderful weather really. It's cool and breezy and the sky is the palest of grey shades, darkening only on the tips of trees and the sharp corners of buildings. The light is soft and grey, soft like a cool, thin, gauzy blanket and grey like the tint of monochrome. Wolf-light, I think. Pale pretty dove light grey.
Then the air is sharp, crisp but not cold or bitter. It smells clean, like freshly washed clothes just out of the dryer. Smells like fresh earth, like cool air on warm dirt, like wild wind-swept English moors.
I like it ^^
Dinner was quiet, I was a little tired, and didn't pay more than the requisite attention (eg. "uh huh")
Sky is violet tonight.
It's the colour of smoke violets, or the rich purple that is almost black. The air feels slightly chilly, not windy, chilly. The yellow lights seem to glow into the night, like gaussian blurs and you just feel happy to be at home and safe and warm under incandescent lights.
The dark fragrance of Lapsang Suchong.
I'm thinking about it.
It reminds me of Alex.
I haven't called her for a while.
Uncle Marc came today again, and even though I call him "uncle", we're not blood-related. He comes over twice a month for dinner. I sometimes feel sorry for him, because on days like this you don't want to walk home to a darkened, empty apartment with a fishtank for company. You don't want chilly winds and florescent lights. You don't want to be alone.
Strange huh?
Days like this........
Soft days with hard edges.
Dreamy-ish.
Sometimes I feel very alone.
Even apart from the sense of myself.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone really listens anymore.
Because we all seem to be talking to ourselves
*ponders*
I should stop thinking, it's a depressive habit.
Depression is, after all, the illness of the mind.
Or perhaps it's just human.
Like calls to like.
I'm going to get chocolate then~ ^^
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:51 p.m.+
Listening to: People playing games on xBox.
I'm on high!~!~
No I didn't drink coke.
No I didn't swallow a bunch of chocolates.
No I haven't murdered anyone.
So stop looking at me funny!!
Finished my Add Math paper. In Mid year, I did it in 30mins, and spent the next 1.5 hours sleeping, blowing raspberries and generally tearing up paper and my hair. This time!!!!! *drumroll* I finished all 2 hours and wanted extra time! Ahahahahaha...thus more knowledge makes you slower.
Repeat after me: Exams are Disgusting.
You know what really irks me?
It's the whole system of it. Why do they test us aimless subjects that have no real use in life? Do you expect to use calculus to find the difference of a price sale? Like 70% of this is not the same as 70% of that and then draw out a graph to find the gradient?
It's fairly ridiculous.
Like, Chemistry. Why do they have crazy, insane things such as ACESS DENIED? It's pathetic. It's the right answer, but they mark it wrong because it's out of syallbus. Like adding bromine to alkane/alkene in the dark is different from rapid decolourisation.
Wednesday is Literature and it's anothe of those long, painful exams that make your buttocks itch. It's 3.75 hours long, or roughly 4 hours. You see, Literature teachers are born Sadists. Under DMS-VI-II (disorders, manias and syndromes) People who suffer from sadism experience sexual arousal/enjoyment through the pain and suffering of victims.
First they make you sit in a painful, uncomfortable chair under glaring flourescent lights and wonky fans. Then they force you to write pages and pages of words, at least 10! under a short time span until your hand trembles with pain. You don't get stylish, sexy, cool guitar callouses. You get dastardly evil handwritten ones. After all that they STILL! put you through horrible scary teachers like Mrs Low that would make George Bush pee in his pants and quiver in shame.
scaryfreakyteachers.
scaryfreaky-LITERATURE-teachers
Anyhow, rant over. All you can sleep in peace now ^^ Tomorrow I'll be studying like crazy (read:psycho) and if I end up muttering insanely to myself, please do me a favour and kill me quick.
Arraghh...I'm broke again. If I don't eat, strave (free dieting!) I'll be able to -just- pay the amount. Terrifyingly expensive imported CDs with cases apparently not made of plastic but some material that LOOKS like plastic, FEELS like plastic but COSTS like gold.
Morning Musume makes me genki.
Listening to Kyo wail his heart of over Embryo(Albumn) makes me want to stick a mircophone into his arse. He deserves it anyway. What does he know of rape? Or murder? Or pain? I doubt he's as "battered" and "angsty" as he seems he is. Even if he is, he's still swiving $70++ from me for a bloody CD.
That's my contention with singers I think
They "beautify" everything from war to suicide to hate and rape.
There's nothing nice in it.
*drums the fact to every fangirl*
Suicide is selfish. Repeat.
Pain/Self-Muliation is just...
Sick.
I'm saying this because Saku and Miachellvisim is bothering more than I seem to. It's the commericalisation of pain, in particular the suffering of others and using them to sell your products. Basically, Kyo or Tooru Niimura isn't a political figure, he isn't even an activist, nor does he contribute to any charity organization. He does it for MONEY and FAME. I'm perfectly okay with his goals in life, but I don't like his victimization.
Which is why he pisses me off more than once.
And so does any wacko writer who thinks they can get away with NCS.
I mean, Dir en Grey earlier wasn't so bad. There was variety. Not everyone was a)dying b)raped c)drugged. Now everything is. Why can't rock be happy?
Isn't the pursuit of life, Happiness?
Unless of course, we're all sadomasohists inside.
Okay. Study time.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:01 p.m.+
1: Name: tsu, small letters only
2: Nicknames: Hmnn...none. Except tsubaki-hime, but that's not really a nick I think
3: Eyes: Dark brown
4: Height: 156-ish. I think I grew during the holidays~
5: Hair: Black. It's boring but I like it ^^
6: Siblings: Older brother, younger sister
7: Do you like to sing in the shower: Yes, occasionally when the mood gets me..
8: Do you like to sing in the toilet? Yes, when I feel like it.
9: Birthday: Not telling.
10: Sign: cancer: Pisces.
11: Address: Insaniquarium. ^_______^
12: Sex: Female
13: Righty or lefty: Right.
14: What do you want in a relationship most? Reliability! XD XD
15: Have you ever cheated? Yes. But not telling who, how or what happened.
16: Marital status: Thankfully single.
17: Do you have a car: One day!
18: What kinda a car do u have/want: Ferrari, Lambogini or Baby Austin. Beetles are cute too~
FAVORITE QUESTIONS:
19: Movie: Anything but horror.
20: Song: Umm...Lots. Taiyou no Ao, Remedy..actually I don't really have a particular favourite.
22: T.V show: Cooking shows, especially Iron Chef and Anthony Bourdain. American Idol and Apprentice isn't too bad either.
23: Actor: Ralph Fiennes and Johnny Depp.
24: Actress: Nicole Kidman.
25: Food: Anything fast, healthy and delicious.
26: Number: 2 and 1556.
27: Letter: K, X , S and T
28: Cartoon: South Park, Simpsons and Anime.
29: Disney: Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Fantasia I guess.
LOVE LIFE ETC:
30: Are you in love: Yes.
31: Do you plan on having children: Yes.
32: Do you want to get married: Maybe.
33: How old do you wanna be when you married: 25.
34: Would you have kids before marriage: Maybe.
35: How many kids: Any number but not more than 4.
36: Do you have a b/f or g/f: Thankfully single.
37: Do you have a crush:Yes.
38: Music/T.V.: Music.
39: Guys/Girls: Peference would be guys, both are pretty fine actually. Love knows no gender ne?
40: Green/Blue: Blue-green~
41: Pink/Purple: Both! The gayer the better!
42: Summer/Winter: Autumn
43: Night/Day: Night.
44: Hangin Out/Chillin: Whatever suits me.
45: Dopey/Funny: Witty.
46: Weird Saying I have: Umm...dunno ^^;;;; Ask my friends.
47: What school: "tis the School of Pain and Love" - What Katy Did
48: Have you ever had drugs?: Many many many.
49: What's a major turn on for you?: A smile and affection.
50: How far would you go on a first date: I go on dates???? *wonders* Non-existant.
FRIENDS
51: Nicest: Do I actually know anyone "Nice"? "Perverted" and "Psychotic" are better descriptions.
52: Funniest: Sharon
53: Happiest: Nyu-nyu neko and Bearbear! xD
54: Strangest: Hmn. leXis wins hands down ^^ But is she a friend?
55: Most Caring: Hmnnn...Neko is the most accepting. But caring? I'll put AUDDY! down for that one.
56: Tallest friend: Kakyounin
57: Smartest: Alexandra Neo ^^
58: Most mature: Gaurdian Angel, my nii-chan (for most Immature, it'll be cosplayers. Every Single One of them.)
59: Best personality: My "wunnerful" compy.
61: What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about? Religion and Anatasia (Disney)
62: Are you happy: right now? I'm genki from making my own chocolate ice cream~
63: Love or Lust: Need both, but love I guess...
64: Silver or gold: Platinum.
65: Diamond or pearl: Pearls.
66: Sunset or sunrise: Sunset.
67: Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: Yes.
68: Do you sleep with stuffed animals: Yes.
69: Do you have any piercings: Nope. I'm anti-Kyo.
70: What colour underpants are your wearing right now: None. I hate underwear.
71: What song are you listening to right now: Umbrella, Dir en Grey.
72: What are your last 4 digits of your phone number: 8127
73: Where would you want to go on your honeymoon: Carribean.
74: Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with: My friends? It's so hard to even -stay- together now considering most of them are leaving for different countries.
75: What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Smile and eyes.
77: What makes you happy? Everything~ Like...just breathing you know? Being alive.
78: What's the next cd you going to buy? Vulgar, but not for myself.
79: Do you wear contacts or glasses? Both, depending on occasion.
80: The best advice given to you? Try.
81: Have you ever won a special awards: Yes.
82: What is your future goals? To be happy, be loved and love in return.
83: Worst sickness u ever had: Heartsickness.
84: Do you like funny or scary movies better? Funny~
85: On the phone or in person? Person, but MSN too. Sometimes you need to be impersonal.
86: Hugs or kisses? All!
87: What song seems to reflect you the most? Mushi (Dir en Grey) and Canticle (Simon and Garfunkel)
88: If you died tomorrow whom would you leave everything you own to? Friends, family. The usual.
89: Greatest fear? : Loneliness and nightmares.
90. Famous or rich? Rich.
91: Do you want your friends to write back? If they want to.
+tsu waited for you at 09:16 p.m.+
It's late morning now, and I just woke up. There's no one in though, and it's rather quiet, but a soothing, thinking quiet. Nice huh?
I was just thinking....Home.
Is home a heart? or a place?
Always seems like everyone is looking for a home, or somewhere to belong to. I've seen people eat food, not from where they come from, but say it tastes like "home". Not their city's, but someone else's. So can someone else's home taste like your home?
It's so fascinating you see.
I might not be Italian, but pasta is like home.
I might not be Japanese, but soba is like home.
You could say the same for everything.
So is home a place you have inside of you? Or perhaps, there's no such thing as home?
I believe that everyone is lonely.
That's why we're unconsciously always seeking for home.
Singapore isn't home for me.
It's somewhere I was birthed in.
But everytime I taste something, that brief taste of a home I don't have, I still search for one of my own.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:58 p.m.+
Listening to: Harry Potter
Watched Terminal today~ Nice show ^_________^ It's just so hilarious how the Airport Manager seems to burst an atery everytime he sees Victor Narvosky(?) No idea how to spell though~ The romantic subplot between the immigration officer and food carrier is amusing and rather sweet and tender, to say the least. I find that Amelia's character was rather one-dimensional though...Why do air-stewardess always have to be potrayed as ditzy? Don't they have a better role?
Stepped out of the cinema freezing, had Kenny Rogers then went in search of That Cat. The particular cat is the super adorable one found in Auddy's house and I fell in love with it so I decided to get my own. ^__________^ Searched through most of the furniture stores, Lifestorey, Molecule, All Natural Living etc....before finding it at Barang Barang. The reason why I didn't go there first is because a)Auddy said that it was from the 2nd/3rd floor, not the first and b)I wanted a route to cover as many shops as possible.
I found it in the end anyway~
*drumroll*
And now I would like you to welcome...NYUNYU-NEKO! XD XD
niuuuuuuuuuu
Ahahaha...ish so cute~
^_____________________________________^
Found some authors too: George Durrell, Alex Garland and Stephan Wright. George Durrell was the guy I read from Primary school, he wrote "My Family and the Animals" and just today I found there was a sequel! Whoohoo~ Alex Garland wrote The Beach which is like a Thai-Lord of the Flies and Stephan Wright sounds interesting. Vietnam War, the book is called Meditations in Green if I'm not mistaken.
Got home and got very very very very very grumpy.
*gets pissed*
Religion is a touchy, personal issue. Sorry, I just don't like regulated religion. It's just too easy to abuse. So many wars have been started by so many holy leaders, so why should I go to a church or a mosque? As long as I love people, do good, find myself...I think that's enough.
I'm no lost sheep or prodigal daughter.
I know excatly where I am.
I'm just here.
Anyhow, I did promise to talk to the priest, but I like discussing with people, even if I don't believe. Tolarance, on both sides. You believe, fine. I don't believe, fine. Let's just not force each other to subscribe to believing/disbelieving.
Sat in some air-com room, read a book while mass started. No kneeling, no praying, just good ol' science fiction. The book in particular, is a favourite. It's called "Space Opera" and it's a favourite because it combines 2 things I love most in life: Music and Writing. Got a lovely guitar tune/bass stuck in my head after reading, problably because of Sitar Byar. Sort of round sounding, up and down round sounding, with a light drumbeat. It sounds pretty~ and golden in colour <3<3<3
Had dinner, and lovely gaunche Godiva chocolate for dessert. Okay, I'm so easily bought. All you need good chocolate~~~ *heart*
Watched sis play Harry Potter on the PS2 and I'm so amused. It's like, "Harry, your aim is -rubbish-" (say it with a brit accent) and it's so fun to watch. Read a little fics, but nothing really caught my eye. Too bored or too tempremental to read today. Ahhhh........long day.
Tomorrow I have tuition, and Monday is just going to suck. Argh. Additional Math. >.< Wait and see folks. Wait and see..
Oh yes, HMV called. Vulgar has arrived and I'm dead broke. What better way to start a week?
love expelliarmus!
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:48 p.m.+
Listening to: Over and Over
Stolen from Natz's blog ^^ Yesshhh! My turn to quiz!
Category I - The Hub
You're a 'people person'. Networking runs in your
blood. Consequently, you can move through most
social circles with ease.
What Type of Social Entity are You?
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Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!
What elemental dragon are you?
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Your half- angel. Not exactly human, but not quite
angel, you walk on earth freely. Half-Angels
have no wings, but tend to show some signs.
Some ways to notice these are that the girl
never menstrates, she cannot bleed, and her
touch seems to give of a glow. No one really
knows how half-angels are born. Some say that
when a child is born, one of the angels blesses
her with her gifts. Others say that they are
cursed creatures, because half-angels cannot
die, while their familly and friends around
them do. Hlaf-Angels are very beautiful and
Kind, and have the power to speak to animals,
but at the same time, sad that they are this
way. Some Half-Angels love being human. Being
able to see, smell, hear, taste,and feel are
all miracles to them. They crave to be more
human-all the time.
What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
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The Lost Soul
What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
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You are an unbetaed goodfic!
What Type of Harry Potter Badfic Are You?
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| To me, love is chaste and selfless and spiritual. |
because i thought this picture was pretty, laura of mewing.net told me this: "it seems you enjoy dancing, drinking, eating, orgies, and expensive perfume. you're the type of person who buys brand-name socks--but you are also the type of person who has been electricuted by the toaster at least seven times. you were at the top of the class in elementary school, but faltered in junior high, because you didn't understand algebra. your favorite singer, suprisingly, is prince, and in your spare time you can be found tinkering with broken calculators and atari home videogame units." whatever will laura tell you??
|
|
take the "what's your dark secret?" quiz | courtesy of mewing.net. where darkness and secrecy abound.
Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
brought to you by Quizilla
.You Are Nobodys Listening.
What Linkin Park (Meteora) Song Are You?
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ahahaha
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:10 p.m.+
Baratsu no Taiyou - midsummer's sun
Listening to: Taiyou no Ao.
Waaahhh~ Woke up at 1.30pm today ^^ Happiness! Had breakfast of cereal then went to Auddy's house to do A Math. LOL. Insulted Kyo many many times, playing with Gackuto-nii until Auddy got jealous and rolled on the carpet. XD nice~ yay~
Ugh.........Sleepy.
Watching Terminal tomorrow, and yay! Dad's not coming, thank God. My nerves won't be able to take it. Saw a really cute guy on the 174, and he was staring at me! Unfortunately I had no guts, so I didn't ask for his number even though he looked really like Kao~
T______________T
Wasted Oppotunity~
T_____________T
Watched Anatasia, and started cyring during the winter palace song. I don't know why, but it always seems so sad, so lost, to me. Unknowningly I despaired for the lost past. LOL. Feeling.................cranky/nostalgic/gentle. Like daft and soft and shivery at the same time.
I guess I still haven't exorcised every single one of them yet. *kicks skeletons in the cupboard* R.I.P
I don't know...It's just so painfully clear sometimes, so painful that it hurts so unknowningly, mourning for something I haven't even known I lost, and I just wonder why I feel that way. It doesn't seem that the other side has an advantage over me, or even have a better life. It's more of a loss of a dream, despairing for something that will never be real, but seems real because I've never experieced it.
Yearning? Wistful? Maybe.
Sometimes I feel that everything is nothing and nothing is the only thing that's real, and "real" is something so light, so useless that you can poke a finger through it and it'll tear into a million bits.
Like veils, reality is just another illusion.
I suppose the long term goal would be truth, or self-actualization. Like some nirvana of knowledge, or maybe just simply a lack of doubt or insecurity. Just you. Not tsubaki, not R---, not C---, not anyone else or any name, just me. tsu.
there is love in me raging
So difficult to express nowadays, the older I grow, the more words cannot express that depth of emotion, the density of thought, only ghostly shawdows of elusive thought. It's almost like asking how to hold the moonlight in the palm of your hand.......
*dreamy*
I watched the sunset today...
I saw arcs and beams of light sharp against blue
It's just so beautiful..
Everyday is a different one
Everyday I live for my sunset.
That singer who sang that song about Death,
Sweet Death
Give me home
Gentle Night
Quietly coming
The end of the road
My home
Or Oscar Wilde:
The garden with the yew tree and the hanging moon, where the nightingale sings forever, where I can rest
It's so amazing, how beautiful it is sometimes. It's not terrifying. Dying makes us human, it gives us a reason to live you know? A REASON. Because we have such a short time, so many limitations, we scrabble for the light and try to live and be alive so that our life will be more than a mere flicker of candlelight.
The reason we have to live is because in the end, we die.
That's why we're not Gods, but we live more wisely, more passionately than Gods.
What do Gods look forward to? A lifetime of ennui.
Aren't we luckier?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:06 p.m.+
Listening to: Taiyou no Ao
Mmmm...Went to Auddy's house to study, managed to study a little Binomal Theorm and such rubbish before sinking into weird ass crazyness also know as Popcap.com
It's addictive!!!!! Big Money!!! My fish shits diamonds!
Blue fish!
I'm crazy lol....
Finished the cheesecake in her house, hugged Gakuto-nii, which is the cutest, pervyest stuffed cat ever.Got sleepy halfway, nearly fell asleep on her carpet, came to a realization. "Bottom of Death Valley" is also a Sherlock Holmes story!!! -____- and it took me so long to recall. What happened to my perfect memeorary?
Went home, dozed off after dinner and watched a little of Macabre cos the internet was being pissy. Didn't realize that I was that exhausted. Nightmares + 4am sleeping + long days = very tired tsu.
Ah well. Good for me anyway~
Yay~ Tomorrow is Friday!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:11 p.m.+
Listening to: Taiyou no Ao + some random jingle that's playing in my head.
Woke up late. Really scarily late for tuition..I was up yesterday night dreaming and blindly watching TV while learning the gourmet habits of the Tudors. Just...dreaming, y'know? Like soft pillows, gauze lights and pale pale colour of bleeding sunset. *no idea how to explain it* It's like you're transcending, you can feel the family beneath you sleeping, past the concrete and the thin walls down down down to the earth and the heat and the feel of it. Like smokey soft and comfortable sort of dreaming.
*nibbles pen*
Purple velvetly rain-soaked I Love Yous.
Cigarette smelling brandy tasting I dos.
Wet skin. Cool rain. Death by concrete.
You know what I mean, don't you?
Ah well.
I'm finishing up on Diffidere #2. LOL...It's so long, so now it takes me ages to get back to the rhythem of the story. And yes, smut. Lots of it. It's my pathetic excuse to give plot to a more or less PWP situation. Unfortunately, I'm rather jaded on sex itself. So, after a while I get bored and do something else eg. fool around with photoshop.
I'm beginning to hate everything I do I think.
Drawing.
Writing.
Reading.
*mumbles*
Some people need to learn the meaning of the word discretion.
*wants to cry*
I don't know........I feel like I've done my best already but nothing is working and it seems so...-futile- It's just that more and more people think I'm less human, I feel even less human and then I just want to cry. Am I really less human than everyone else? I just feel really scared sometimes, because everyone tells me I'm weird and strange and psycho except for neko...
So whee~
God I love idiots.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:05 p.m.+
Listening to: Umbrella
Pretty nice day~ Woke up going "oh shit I haven't changed and it's nearly 9.15am and Audrey is going to come any moment and what the hell am I going talking to myself wearing pink pajamas?!?!?!". So! You know....She came over!XD XD
Remember that incident in which I laughed my arse off? Well, that's why. I called up her mom, pretended to be mine and invited Auddy over. Okay, so I'm not the best liar in the world, but I tried. I hope she doesn't get into trouble though~
Speed-changed aka Toss Clothes On and waited. And waited. And waited, and then became terribly worried she got lost and ended up God-Knows-Where. Yay~ so she didn't get lost or so she said. Went home, had breakfast and studied. Or at least tried to. Did some work anyway~ ^^
Lunch came and I now totally realize that Auddy and my sis hit off on another. Why? Cos they share certain personality traits. Like, Harry Potter, video games and Wearing Underwear All the Time. -_______- I hid under the table for a while, had a small sort of pillow fight and it was pretty fun~
tsu *bonk bonk* Auddy
Auddy *boink boink tsu
And it continued for a while until we had to go back to work. Did digusting Inverse Functions, Logarithams, Simulatneous Equatns and indecent Indices with Surds.
Made Beer Bread which is this really funky bread recipe. Basically, it's as follows:
400g of self-raising flour
375ml or beer
2 tsp of sugar and salt.
Throw everything in, watch it guggle and bake for 25mins on a preheated oven (180 deg) in a greased pan. Or until brown anyway.
Fun~ Decided to add our own ingrediants in. Threw in rosemary, diced onions, mozzerella cheese, parsely, black pepper...Actually anything we could get our hands on. Too bad we forgot about the curry powder though~ Would've been cool to make orange coloured bread! *eye glitters* There's still 2 more cans of beer anyhow.
It tasted OK! Fantastical!
Sent her off, nice blustery day it was so I walked her to the bridge. Went home happy, smelling of warm garlic and warm bread. Read a little, and then Aunty Bobbie came. Became grounchy, finished reading Harry Potter again for the gazillionth time and studiously ignored her. Yay~ Avoidant tendencies. Rockerz.
Some news
Well. Neko's leaving for Aust.Well.......
I honestly have no idea what to say.
She's the closest person whom I can think of that has been my long term friend. I mean...Since Sec 2 and all. Been through so much together, so many days and memories... I don't really have my long-term friendships and I don't know what to think.
She's neko! Like neko who is always there! Who says "whatever", "nevermind lar" and "okay"! She's the one who carries a damn bag with more jrock stuff that Audy and I have put together! She's nekoichi~ The one I glomp in school and laugh really loudly during chinese with T_______T
I don't really want her to go.
But if it's good for her, then she should go.
Can't be selfish after all.
T_________T
But still.....
I wish she'll stay.
But...I guess I'll forget about this until it hits me again. *denial denial*
*denial*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:58 p.m.+
Listening to: I do - Yoko Kanno
Random incidence which I will explain on Tuesday:
BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! YESSSSSSS~
Highly amused. LOL. Went to school for my Farewell Party, complete with coke, pizza and chocolate cake. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we had a food fight which resulted in Chocolate on Shirt, Chocolate on Face and many other places where chocolate shouldn't (should!) be. Great fun, teased Rose endlessly, talked to people, caught up with what's on in Arts Alive and had great fun~
Got mom to pick me and my sis up, went to Holland Village where my sister shamelessly asked for internship with Iris, my mom's friend who is a gallery owner. I don't blame her, if I had an oppotunity to leave my dad's company so early I would do so too. I mean, Low Pay VS Dad. I'll pick low pay. Why? Cos with them, life sucks. It sucks so severely that every single thing seems horrible. Many a friendship has been broken because of me working in June/Dec
I'm just happy that people want me to work for them after O levels. PKW and SPH. Yay~
Seems like I'll be holding my childhood promise through. Never work for them when you're old enough!
Had dinner with dad, endured it, bought more cooking magazines and went home. Now,, cooking. See, my sister is turning me into a cooking crazy. First it was Iron Chef, then it was Jamie Oliver/Anthony Bourdain, now it's delicious. magazine straight from UK/Aust.
Now cooking is really fun. I love cooking. Maybe not the same way my sister cooks, complete with marinades and expensive ingrediants but just -cooking-. Just to feel the food, chop it up (excuse to hold knives) and creating something while destroying it. When you cook, you kill at the same time. Plus there's something psychosexual about cooking. I know most people get high on cooking, that's why they never stop and then there's -tasting-.
You need your sense of sight, taste, touch and smell to eat. So sexy right? Not to mention the names. Coq au vin, Guacamole, Tortillas......so many names~ Like different flavoured miniskirts. And there's -dressing- too.
And just like a good sex life keeps you happy, cooking keeps you happy too.
Ahahaha..............I extoll the virtues of cooking.
Plus it does amazing things to your chemistry results.
Cool right?
Oh yeah, damn quiz results. Yesss!!! I'm not 20% anymore! Rejoice!
50% Seme
How seme are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:26 p.m.+
Listening to: Wake Up Angel - Pitaten
Thank you very much for the analysis, colorgenics.com. Now I know it's beyond my capabilities to cope with the situation so I shouldn't worry so much. Gee~ Quote: "You are presently experiencing excessive stress as a result of self-restraint."
Nice to know.
Can you sense my inner sarcasm here?
Exams
I love Science. Thank you for giving me one of the easiest Prelim papers in the last 4 years. I'm pretty sure I'll get my A1, all depends on Chemistry now (yay!). Practical was great fun~ Managed to get the right answer, but it's slightly, very very slightly out of range. By about 0.002, so it should still be okay. Doctored the results though, to get a nice smooth curve.
Other stuff
I feel like I've almost been adopted by Auddy, cos during the break I went to her house everyday to study. Yay~ Good. Except that sometimes I don't know what to think. Played Monopoly, now I know never to entrust any business with her brother or her. Unscrupluously cheating, and even more insulting, they were cheating so openly anyone would notice it. Do they really think I'm that stupid?
Anyhow, finished most of psychology books in Borders and Kinokuniya, as well as researching on the internet. Gee~ Now I know exacatly what I have. I'm apparently a Schizotypal, with an uncured Seperation Anxiety problem.
Actually, the first part: Schizotypal, isn't so bad. It' s the second that is problematic.
It seems to have developed into some Dependancy-subtype and unlike schizotypal, I can't seem to treat it by myself and it makes me feel guilty.
It's like this: I know that being with Auddy would take the loneliness away and make me feel better, but it won't cure me of the problem so I feel so darn guilty about it.
So I'm seriously considering seeking proper psycharitic treatment.
I have to learn to stop this without hurting anyone or myself in the process. If I stop too soon, I get withrawl symptoms and feel abandoned and suicidal. If I stay on, I'll never get cured and might prove to be a burden to my friends, future spouse and all.
The worst part is, no one seems to believe me.
But I know- I know I have to stop this.
Or else it's just another issue waiting to explode.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:57 p.m.+
Went to Auddy's house. Studied History and I'm offically sick of Nazi Germany. Wasn't too bad~ Actually managed to get some work done~
Had lunch at her grandmother's, who is really nice and sweet and her cousin/brother is pretty wacky but okay. Dunno how to explain, -different- from my family. They're more umm...closer together. Ahahaha.....I'm strange I guess.
Saw her baby pics, and she really -DOES- look like her brother *wah! kawaii~* Really cute kid ne~ Ahahaha....I'm supposed to bring mine tomorrow. LOL...Sad kid I was. Pathetic.
Okay.
I was a sick kid.
I suffered from seperation anxiety.
Except I didn't know that.
Cried alot.
Many lonely nights.
Lights on the floor, on the dark ceiling.
I actually don't want to remember.
I don't want to know.
So I conciously block them.
Can't remember.
Don't want to remember.
Pictures don't tell you anything.
*looks nostalgic*
Anyhow, tomorrow I'll problably do finish History or Lit and bring my Math homework~ Dinner was okay, was very tired though~ *sighs* Need sleep.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:49 p.m.+
Listening to: System of Down and "Heaven Knows"
Went to Borders with Audrey, chomped up the whole psychology section so here's a quick run through.
Psychology
Basically there are 5 schools of thought. Freud = humans are animals, Humanists = humans attain higher levels, Social Psychology = society determines thought, Behavourial Psychology = how behavour controlls psyche/consequance, Cognition Psychology = how biology determines behaviour
Types of conciousness: Conscious, PreConscious, Subconscious, Unconscious.
Conscious = thoughts that are formed and decided by you.
Preconcious = Instinctive reactions developed according to evolution eg. Darwin.
Subconcious= Preconceived notions, prejudices learnt from previous experiences, eg. Schemata
Unconcious= (Freudian) Ulterior motives that you have but don't know you have.
Schematas are preconcieved notions that occur when the brain accumlates new information that cannot be assimilated into any category, and the mind rejects the information. This information blindness, is known as schemata when a person is momentarily deluded into rejecting information before him or her.
Types of Memorary are Procedural and Declarative and Unconcious.
Procedural = How Things are Done eg. Sports
Declarative = Which Things Should be Done eg. directions.
Unconcious = Things we Never Remember Remembering eg, Sleep dreams
Types of disorders are classified into Behavourial, Psychosis, Phobias and Depresssion (?)
Behavourial would be your ADHD as well as Obessesive-Complusive, Multiple Personality and Aneroxia nervosa. Deals mainly with the behaviour of the person, usually trauma induced or perhaps, learnt.
Psychosis deals with Schizophernia and it's causes and types. Can range from simply exibiting eccentric habits and outlandish thinking to having hallucinations and delusions.
Phobias are generally classified into 2 types which are Learned and Evolved(?). Anyhow, learned phobias are due to experiences you had as a child, which caused you to learn fear. Evolved ones are genetic traits that comes in every human being (Darwin) like, eat when you're hungry and look for food.
Depressions, are many types. There's unipolar depression, also known as Type A Clinical Depression which is basically the inability to want to live. Bipolar depression is swinging from one mania high to depression within a span of seconds. Clinical depression is usually treated with Prozac or Placebo, while Bipolar depression is usually treated with Lithium.
Paranoia is like an extremely strong form of a phobia + delusion. Falls under the same category as panic attacks/ anxiety attacks. Symptoms include heavy breathing, rush of adereline and an unknown sense of fear.
Other known disorders are personality disorders or syndromes. Aspergers' syndrome, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Dependant, Avoidant, Histronic etc.
Treatments: Placebo, Prozac [anti-depressants] Valium [tranqauilizer], Lithium [mood balancer], Cneuroylism [surgery/schizo], ECP/electric shock treatment [various], glucose/insulin jabs [anti-depressants/mood]
Schools of Thought: Freud, Carl Rogers(humanist), Darwin (evolution), Jung (Extravated iNuitive), George Kelly (human-construct) Alder (social behavourial), Maslow (situation vs personal growth).
love
tsu....hope I covered most
+tsu waited for you at 10:50 p.m.+
Listening to: Abandoned Pools - Ruin Your Life
Friday
Went over to Audrey's house and got wonderfully lost due to certain *very* helpful people who led me to the wrong direction. Found it anyway ^_______________^
Studied Social Studies. Am Now Totally Sick of It.
Anyhow, left about 2pm to go to school, funny thing was, I got the DATE WRONG! -_________- Actually not very funny when you realize that you spent over $1.50 on bus fares...Not funny at all.
Somehow I'm still laughing xD
Dragged myself home reluctantly, finished reading Order of the Pheonix, felt sorry for Snape and Lupin, wanted to bash Harry and Umbridge more than once and cheered the twins~ Ahh...Mayhem in school, sounds like my kind of thing ^^v
Saturday
Saturday...urrghhh....Woke up, changed, wore my Ghey outfit (aka jrock shirt + PINK PINK skirt + blue jeans). Combed my hair neatly, tied a matching pink ribbon, and looked into the mirror and sighed. Oh My God. I look like those schoolgirls on crack. Actually, my mom said I looked like a doll again -_____-;;; and pointed out that I shouldn't wear this for a meeting with UWC.
Anyhow, I won and wore my Ghey outfit to UWC.
They like me~ I think. I can sense it when people like me~ ^^ Especially the guy from Italy~ Anyhow, I'm ready to try for the scholarship. Really. I want to go to the Hogwarts-looking castle/school. And it's near the Adriatic sea!
Okay~ so now you know. For more information, www.uwc.org. Oh yeah, one more thing, I would appreciate if no one tells anyone about this. Especially if you're from my school.
Clear?
Went for mass, my dastardly mother and sis didn't come and I went for nothing. Thank God Uncle Marc came and sent me home, but not before dropping by at Island Creamery to buy ice cream~ Berry Ice cream! Yay~ Was torn between Burnt Caramel and Berry though~
Went home, actually -dashed- up cos I saw my grandma's car and I didn't want to talk to her. Changed and went out again to have dinner with Dad. Long, boring, stressful dinner that revolved only on, What We were Going to Do to help The Company? Where Are we Going to Study At? How you Can Contribute to The Company?
I hate this.
Switch that, I detest this.
Went home, dropped on to the sofa with a headache and fever and called Auddy. Dunno, makes me remember I'm not just a Cash Cow *moo* or a Someone Else's Something. I'm just tsu. That's all. I'm not your possesion or anything. *shrugs* Objectification.......
So sad huh?
I'm nothing more than an investment.
With a life-long bond to my family.
He even wants money from me..can you imagine? My father and I were bargaining and he wants my FIRST million. That's just so..........
Greedy?
He wants returns.
*bitter*
Tired. Went to sleep and started dreaming.
Not the usual dreaming but Yuraspace Dreaming.
The first one was about to brothers who could morph into the background and they were being hunted up the cliffs, down the hills and it was crazy. All the blood and everything and in the end, they stood at the edge of the canyon waiting to die, holding each other's hands, naked and smiling and dying.
They die because metamorphs are children of Ra (sun god, Eygptian) and can't exist.
The second one was creepier because -I- was a participant. I was a spy infiltrating into the all girls' assasin squad. My job was to dismantle them. I sneaked myself in, pretending to be one of them and set them up for trouble.
One of the mission - we pretended to be high class courteseans and murdered at LEAST 20 people. One of them got away when a girl's ofuda fell and broke the maraboshi (illusion). Her name...Haris (pronounce: high-ris) She was a shapeshifter. They kicked her out, I helped them kick her out.
Of course, we had to get the guy that go away. No such luck of course.
So I was walking around and scouting the area and I noticed a dingy sort of place and Haris in it. She dragged me in, drunk and high and introduced me to her new friends. Then I started feeling really really sick. She used to be great you know, now her hair was straggly and she had this look of -despair- in her eyes that I'll never forget as long as I live. She and her friends drank and got high, some yellow liquid substance and glowed strangely under green flourescent lights.
Then of course, I noticed the 2 men. One of which, I was to kill.
I couldn't kill because they would know who I was, so I gave Haris the look and then her eyes seem to blossom with such -hope- She walked over, pulled out an electric dunnowhatisit and stuck it on the guy's wrist. It buzzed, I saw blood. He smiled at her. She pulled out a stungun and shot herself by accident cos she was high and drunk. I stood up, walked over, shot him and carried her back to hideout.
Was against the rules...but.....
Leader-sama (Akira) was nice about it, she missed Haris too but no one else cared. And she died. And then I woke up.
I think I was crying.....
No idea. It's a fic idea definitly, yet another gift from Yurameki and Yuraspace, so cruel. I could even hear the song of dying you know...It's called Remember Me By, and only Akira and I could hear it, the rest of the assasins couldn't be bothered.
Terrifying.
Why can't I dream of Dir en Grey or Yoshiki instead?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:46 a.m.+
+tsu waited for you at +
Listening to: Umbrella
Am. VERY VERY HAPPY! XD Finished my English Prelim Paper. The long essay was a bit hard, the themes were annoying and I didn't want to do it. Did the one about "Lying: Justified?" and the real fun was the Part II. Get to plan a crazy geography trip overseas... xD Fun!
Okay, I don't really like comprehensions, but I did my best. My answers were so short that there were blanks everywhere, hopefully I won't get an "Excess Denied"
Went to Orchard and spend money ^^ Bought a Shinya badge and pinned it on to Kyo xD xD Multilation for loooovveeee....Shinya~ Anyhow, went to Kino and read through astrology again. LOL. Smacking good time! I'm sure Auddy would like to buy porn and nibble Kyo's feet. LOL.
Had lunch, drank too much coke, went on high~ Then went for tuition, finished Marcomolecules and Trigometry ^^ Ganbatte to mee~
Quite a fun day~ WAAHHHH! HAPPY STILL
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:31 p.m.+
Listening to: Saku
Have an insane urge to listen to loud, blaring rock music. Why? One whole day of my sister's music made me do it. She's the Enya/Frou Frou type. Nothing wrong with that, but after a while it gets into your head like Zakuro does. It's okay, but not very ummmmm....yeah.
Skipped school today to study for Social Studies. Repeat after me: I MUST DO WELL. Actually, anything less than an A1 and I will kill myself. Phy/Chem: A1, English:A1, E Math: A1, Hist: A1, Literature: A1, A Math: C5 or something. All in all, I can't exceed more than 12 points. *ish determined* I really want to do well, not just for people who expect me to do well, but for myself too.
I hate letting people down....
I don't want to end up working for my dad or losing to my cousins. Why should I? It's not just competitiveness....I don't want to disappoint anyone, much less myself.
Finished as much as I could study in a day, and I'm pretty sure I know what's coming out in SEQ. Problably something to do with education policies or ASEAN or population control. Relevant information she says, okay, so I give you what you want.
My first paper starts on Thursday...Oh my god.
Tomorrow is the last day of classes, after that, I'm going to have to study and study and study and DO something damnit. The only things that are improving is my humanities and what I really need to do is pass A Math. Desperately.
So I'm scouting for a study partner before I end up banging my head on the wall.
It's a toss up between Audy and Sharony~ If Auddy says no, I'll ask Sharony then.
Cos umm....I dunno. Auddy is ambigous on stuff like that and she's the type that will turn you down last minute.
Anyhow! We're still friends.
I didn't do much except study. After Social Studies I had Chinese tuition, then I finished the last of the newspapers and Lee Kwan Yew and His Memoirs. The book is useful in the sense that it contain EVERY nitty gritty detail on the Merger and Seperation of Singapore. Okay, so it's propaganda, but yah. It works.
Cut my hair again...I think I only do it when I'm stressed.
God I need to do well.
If I don't make it I'll cry.
I know it sounds silly.
But there's alot at stake here.
Everyone says I'm bright, but I think the reason I don't push myself as much as I can is because I'm scared to find out I'm not as bright as they say I am. Fear, you know. I need to prove myself now.....It's not good enough to just -say- and be known, I have to succeed because there's no point having intelligence and not using it. I need to know where I stand, what I can do to improve...
Yes, I sound crazy.
Yes, I've been a slacker for 10 years.
Because seriously, I need to do something.
When I passed PSLE, my results were pathetic: 214 compared to zillions of people with a 232 or something. I got into one of the worst classes in the school and had terrible teachers. Everyone said I had potential, but what did I do? Sec 2 streaming, I disappointed everyone by scoring TERRIBLY. I was a basket case really.
I wasn't even supposed to be in 3/7 but the teachers believed me, esp. Mrs Lim and they put me into 3/7 instead of 3/4.
I'm not going to fingerpoint or anything but Auddy...You aren't dumb. You didn't throw your life away like I did. It's not fun really, to know that you can do better and end up frustrated at yourself. It's not good to beg for a place, or appeal anywhere because it's not worth it.
If you really slacked so much in school as you say, then you're brilliant.
Because you weren't some basket case that your teachers had to beg the VP to let you in (which is why Mrs Matthews is after me), you scored and got in fair and square. You did well for your PSLE and yeah, congrats. Don't throw it away, you have NO IDEA what's it like to have a KIV in your file. Your bloody life is in the hands of another, do you really want that?
You told me on the bus that you won't accept charity even if people gave you cash. Same! Do you want people to offer you last minute places because they think you have potential even if you disappoint?
*sighs* I problably sound naggy....aw. Ack. Worth a try.
The truth is, I'm just scared that I won't live up to my supposed "potential". But now, when I think about it, what do I have to be scared of? Why should I want to be something I'm not? If I'm not as smart as people think I am, at least I know where I stand, at least I've done my best.
Cause I really need to grow up.
There's no point fighting inside myself anymore, it's not a matter of who I am now, but who I can be or will be.
I hope people realize I'm not nagging or anything.
I'm not asking you to do this too.
It's a personal decision.
Because saying "I dunno" doesn't change anything.
But saying "I dunno" and doing something does.
I just hope that Auddy will listen (she'll prolly hate me for this ahahahaha) cos I'll be sad if she has to go through what I had.
Pain isn't fun.
Even if you can laugh it off.
Hurt isn't fun.
Even if you can smile it.
Shame.
Despair.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
I want to dye my hair purple and look pretty, I want to go Japan next year and see sakura bloom in Tokyo, I want to watch a real LIVE Dir en Grey concert, I want to go UCLA and get an MBA, I want to have a blue apartment with white sofas and a cat and dog, I want to have my friends when I'm doing all that ^^
Selfish right?
But that means I'll bug them to study too!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:03 p.m.+
Listening to: Unknown despair a lost - Dir en Grey.
Sitting with Kathleen simply makes me feel more inadequate than I already am. It's not that I'm ultra-competitive or anything, it's just that she's so bloody damn -normal- that it makes me feel like I'm a stranger to myself.
Like today I was laughing at myself, and she just gave me this "what are you thinking look" and I just said: "Thinking filthy thoughts". Arghh...How do I explain to her that Totchi and Shinya were screwing in my head? It's not really annoying, it just makes me feel like I shouldn't be doing things like this because it isn't normal to think things like this.
Felt sickish and flu-ly. I'm allergic to something in class and I've been sneezing and sneezing like furballs in cats. *achoo* *eyes water* Damn I used up the last of my clarynase already....T_T
Class was okay. Got back all three of my essays. *shrugs* Marked Improvement! From a disasterous 18/30 to a respectable 24/30. LOL....It seems that switching genres really seem to work, and surprisingly, it does make me better. Now instead of slacking in class, I have to pay attention. I mean, if it was descriptive, I'll slack but now that I'm doing agruementative/expository, I had to work. As in work, work, work. Literature is beginning to look up too. Okay so my language fluency is okay but my points and quotations....arrghhh...must learn from Jean Clare. Be tedious! Have points! *smacks self*
After the Chinese test.....dunno. Nothing much to say. Just didn't feel like anything was worth it, talked to Frances and Yoona then went home with Audrey. Took the first bus cos hot weather has a way of annoying me the way people can't. Sat at *my* favourite bustop and swung my legs and felt the wind and didn't feel so hot anymore. ^^ I honestly hate humid weather. The sunlight was mellow, like warm and clear yellow...that heavy clear honey yellow.
Then Auddy came from the next 156, talked a little then she said some weird sounding apologies, umm...For what? I have no idea. Dunno. I'm dense or something. Then went to the next 153 cos I felt sticky.
ARGH I HATE STICKY WEATHER
Saw my godmother who requested to see my essays. >.< I don't really like her. I've never really liked her ever since P4 when she said that anime was crap and she acted so condescendingly towards what I liked. Patronizing. >.< Look, if there are things I hate, it's people who think that they Know You because you're a Teenager and therefore have Mood Swings. Then there's the utterly condescending thing that she thinks she knows everything.
My sister says I'm terrible.
Am I mistreating her? Maybe. But if there's something I hate it's when people don't understand what I say, and interpret it anyhow that annoys me. Yah. At least I'm civil. And fairly polite. I stay away from trouble, and go and sleep.
Slept through dinner, then woke up just in time to see her leave.
Had toast for dinner and 2 litres of milk.
Most people depressed, they smoke and drink alcohol. Me? I drink milk!
love,
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:37 p.m.+
Listening to: Machivellism and Umbrella
^______________________^ Finally changed my layout into a colour that I actually did not dislike. GO PURPLE! GO BLACK! I don't like yellow. Ewww...I don't care if it was sunny and metaphorical or what nots. I don't like yellow >.< It's UGLY! Disgustingly bad for your health. Yuckkkyyy.
So now it's nice and black and purple and I'm happy!
Roused early by mom, don't remember much. Mornings are like lingering musky perfumes, pinpricks of lights, sounds of hairdryers, someone tucking me back into bed and cold air-conditioning~ ^^ Mom left, so I woke up at about 11-ish. Made breakfast for myself (eggs) and toast and kaya jam ^^Had icy cold milo with milk~
The only thing that spoilt it was the fact that the dumb, annoying, drilling construction work had started again. What so classy about living in District 9?
Relatively wonderful breakfast anyhow.
It's fun to wake up slowly, with the mid-morning light streaming down on your face through closed darkened curtains. Then you turn over, flop to your mom's pillow and huggle it, breathe in the last impressions of scent and slowly open your eyes. *sighs* That's how people should wake up.
Anyhow, finished this layout, because I really don't like yellow. My last yellow layout lasted only half a day if you recall. "Sweetest Coma Again." So, okay. I'll problably never make a yellow layout.
Finished a little [S-teki]. Side chapter: Kousen and a little of Chapter 6, Kakusei. I really needed a side chapter because well, Saiyuri doesn't have a spine and Sakki is behaving like an annoying jerk that just makes you wonder why Saiyuri ever liked her. So I need to recify that problem, and show that Sakki is liked cos she's a wonderful human bean. HA!
Egh. Kao x Kyo. I tried, and failed miserably.
It was just BAD. I couldn't picture them together at all. Why? Because they're so incompatible. They're the type that will remain best friends but never ever lovers. Platonikku no hajimemashou. Can't you see? They're too individualistic, too umm......leader-ish to ever want each other. Both are perfectly fine being single, and besides, Kaoru is the type that will hardly go for romance.
That's why he makes a great slave! XD XD XD
Finished another composition for school, and I'm finally glad that my marks have improved. There's no other choice though. I can't write descriptive like I do online or I'll get marked down. BAD. And it's a huge difference. Arguementative/Expository: 24/30 Descriptive/Narrative: 18/30.
And I desperately, desperately need an A1.
Hmnn...Want to continue Diffidere out of a sudden. Guilt or Yuraspace kicking in I suppose. Ahahaha...my new word. Yuraspace = Yurameki + Spacing Out. Quite useful~
Went for tuition. I hate vectors. I absolutely despise, loathe, detest, hate Math. Tis the bane of all humanity. To quote Mr Armstrong: "In Primary 1 you learn Addition. Primary 2, Subtraction. Primary 3, Multiplication. Primary 4, Simple Division. Primary 5, Long Division. Primary 6? Precentage!"
What's the point of learning the velocity of water to ground? *rolls eyes*
I hope all these dastardly swimmers drown, kayakist capsize, ships sink and aircrafts colliade.
Like, Question 11: Find the time for Plane A to colliade with Plane B.
It's just really morbid and annoying.
Finished tuition about 8pm, and went home. My mom packed food from my Grandma's house, cos they went there without me. *sighs* And I have intentsive classes starting soon. Yuck. Ate a whole lot of food, cos I was dead hungry. Like one humongeous bowl of everything that dunked together and threw into the mircowave.
Tomorrow is another looooooong daaaaaaaaaay.
*ish not looking forward* We have Social Studies double period.
Ahahaha....I'll just amuse myself with thinking filthy thoughts then.
I hope Auddy is feeling okay.
But then again, she'll do this: =D =D =D
And say nothing is wrong.
Okay...should study a little. Don't feel like it though, but I need my 10 points and my mom will cry if I don't get into a JC and if there's one thing I really don't like is making people cry. So guilty~
Was talking about it in the car. I mean she said I could do whatever I liked but she looked so sad when I said I might want to go Temasek or something. It's like "I already have a son in Poly and it'll be good if you were in JC." And then oh god, I just knew that I couldn't go Poly and break her heart.
Okay, have to go soon~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:02 p.m.+
Listening to: nothing.
Made a new friend today ^^ I swear, I don't know why or how I accidentally meet people online. Meet Kura-chan! Yet another Dir en Grey person who actually likes my fics *bows* arigatou~
You know what is really strange?
I seem to attract people who are like myself, or totally opposite.
We're all lonely, sad people who stare infront of blinking computer monitors and read fics. We don't play online games, that's why we're so shy and hardly meet people. Usually, we read about stories that are angstier than our lives so we can feel that we're lucky and alive. Mostly we just want to fall in love, or find someone but oftentimes, we're just sad boring lonely people with sad boring lonely lives and the only thing we know about sex is from reading romance books.
LOL......
I don't even know why it's funny anymore.
Dad didn't come today. I'm not surprised. *downcast* I don't even know why I want his apporval and affection....He hardly cares and I always get this inkling that he doesn't cos he can't. It's pathetic. And people wonder why I'm such a pyschotic dependant person. Hey, it's not like I'm -asking- for it.
It's not like I purposely put myself through hell.
4 parts pain, 2 parts despair, 1 part guilt and all parts hurt.
I think I can blame it on my upbringing, or at least partially. (HA!) But seriously....I need to stop this. It's not healthy and it's not right. Writing s-teki just makes me realize that there's something really really really wrong with me.
But, what's wrong with wanting not to be alone?
Okay, so it's dysfunctional to need someone that badly, to need to be near a person, anyone. To rely so deeply on the actions of another. You get hurt. You become an emotional mess. You start all the wonderful kicks of self-doubt, insecurity and shame and it goes on for YEARS and YEARS and you do your very best to suppress it but it comes out anyway.
So what do you do?
The problem is: There seems to be no way out.
I mean, when it comes down to it, you're just not blessed with the ability to move on and adapt. You're queerly stuck somewhere in the basic theory of Darwinian evolution. And it sucks. If only someone could understand it, and not just give useless solutions (read: slashing your wrist) maybe...yeah. We could think of something.
But during that process of thinking up something, I'll problably end up falling for whoever. (read: has happened before)
So it sucks.
Funny how the slash wrist part sounds better and better.
And you know what? I think I hate my layout. Let's go get something black. Why? Cause I feel like it.
Anyhow, watched Shrek 2 with my sister (yay!), had dinner with lots of eggs and ice cream with hot scones which put me on a sugar high (yay).
So, if you want to skip the entry and get straight to the point:
what the f*ck is wrong with me?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:27 p.m.+
Listening to: Kasumi.
New layout, as promised. [S-teki] links are now found at the corner *points* And I've updated some links, namely, Natz and Christine's. I haven't had the time to sort through everyone's though -________-
I'm going out with my dad tonight, so it's unlikely that I can finish any fic tonight. But hey! I finished one yesterday! Be happy and live with it ^^
Eh....Didn't do much today, finished a book by Le Carre, slept till 12 noon (or 11.55 if you prefer). Not a bad book, but espionage isn't usually my favourite thing. Finished another set of essays for my teachers and I'm going to work on Literature soon.
Damn I sound so stoned.
Perpetually stoned.
I'm just...I don't know. Arrrghh. Whatever. Take it, throw it back, I care but I don't care.
Going to Mise on Monday, most likely. Or maybe I'll just go find someone to talk to. Most likely Auddy wouldn't want to come or she'll ask me why I'm following her like a stalker. *sighs* Okay then. Monday. I'll go and do some theraputic shopping or something. Supermarkets. Ice cream. Or maybe I'll go drop by Kyou but she'll be prissy because offically, we aren't supposed to meet anywhere but on MSN or the internet. It makes life easier...
Ack. Who cares? Maybe I'll go roofing.
Not looking forward to dinner.......Okay, go read fics and feel better. Ja~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:44 p.m.+
