Lists
Listening to: Sai
Finally came back to school~ waiii~! I feel so cared for. Like everyone was asking how I was and if I was okay - even the teachers! Mdm Damo was like "what's wrong with you?!" (honestly I thought I did something wrong when she called for me -_-;;;;;;;) Yeah but it was really caring of them, and I'm very grateful that they cared. Then Zara passed me this lovely Urahara keychain which Natz gave.....so...shoutout to Natz: ZOMG THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!<3!~!~~
So, thanks to those who sms-ed and called - I really appreciate your concern.
No thanks to Jared and Jeremy though.....evil bastards. Since I couldn't eat candy - they INTENTIONALLY took a huge bite of chocolate infront of me during tuition and proceeded to tease me mercilessly. T__________T EVIL.
School was okay, got tired halfway though and slept while others were having math. The medicine really makes me drowsy somehow....either that or it's the weather. Had fun during break though! LOL! Lunched with Alicia, Rachel Koh and Clare plus the rest of T04, and later got invited for Tai Ti! Waiii~~~~~~ *-* I haven't played so long that I'm rusty already. Though we lost most of the rounds, Alicia and I finally made a win in the second to last round. So fun! Tai Ti roxxors! Plus I'm perfectly happy with the beng-lian atmosphere.....it's somehow more comfortable to me than the English-ness of my class.
Ahahaha....anyway next week Alicia and I have a "dreamy" date lol~ EAT CAKEEEEEEEEE!
S Lit was okay, a little funny though. Kaiwen and I got kicked out of the library (again!) I swear - it's NOT FUNNY anymore. Like NOT. Passage to India is surprisingly nice at some points, but I generally dislike it. Nothing against Mr Froster, but it just isn't my kind of book. I like high-key lyricalism and for me, structure really isn't the most important. I can appreciate a good mystery though (except duh in true style, it's never solved) but I hate most of the characters. Bleh
On the other hand, Mrs Sng gave me a 30/50 for my essay for Tim Burton/Sylvia Plath!<3<3<3! I think I should definitely do poetry. My prose only hit a 29/50 anyway (for Fahy). On the other hand, their marking styles are very different, so it really depends. Anyway, she was nice enough to give me a list of poets to look into, in particular:
T.S Eliot
Charles Simic
Marianne Moore
Erza Pound (?)
Auden
etc
Yeah but we're doing Eliot nextnext week, isn't that great? She actually listened! to my request. And she was nice. Which was creepy, but somewhat comforting when she cackled her way to being nice. Kinda creepy. But okay. I dunno about Erza Pound though, always thought he sounded like a polytonic handphone ringtone.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:45 a.m.+
late, sick or dead?
Apparently, I'm sicker than I realized.
After one night of tossing/turning, cold sweat, nosebleed, stomach churning pain and....projectile vomiting (am not kidding) I'm officially diagnosed with gastritis, gastric flu and denodentis (wtv that is). At the same time, I'm banned from candy, chocolate, cake, icecream - ANYTHING WITH SUGAR IN IT. *dies* The horror!The horror!
It doesn't help that my brother is eating mudpie(!) and my sis is eating cake(!) in front of me.....T________T but I Shall Prevail!!!!!
Anyway I'm kinda sad I'm missing so much school. (at the same time, it's comforting to know people care about you). Not to mention tomorrow I'm missing Racial Harmony (people in cheongsams! I wanna see!) and that I'm getting bored not being able to do anything - too weak to write, too tired to do work, too woozy to read. At most I can watch TV and barf out my insides. Hee~
Some news: apparently Graham and his girlfriend broke up. I'm kinda like "....." I knew he really liked her, and I really do sympathise. It sucks to know that no matter how much you love a person - it's not enough for them and at the end of the day, they'll leave you. Always. And I kinda know how it feels - how unfair, how humilating, how demoralizing, how much you really hate yourself and wish it otherwise ...just that you can't really force a person to love you as much as you love them can you? It's those shikata nai situations where you're supposed to just give in. Except of course, Graham's WAY MORE forgiving than I am. *grumbles* He's just too nice damnit. Sometimes I want to shake him and go "hellooooooooooooooo! wakeup!wakeup!wakeup!"
But I resist.
So what have I been doing? Watching Ouran mainly. Then drooling over HoneyHani's cakes. Then making lame Tamaki-Temaki jokes with sushi-roll innueudoes. Bleh. I almost almost miss Mrs Sng. Almost
Going for tuition tomorrow before I become insane.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:21 p.m.+
In Good Company
Listening to: He's a Pirate
Last two days have been tremendously educating. My friend (the toilet bowl) and I have learnt more and more about each other, from the staring of the floor tiles to the exact pressure of a flush. In other words, I've been totally, absolutely sick these two days - to the point that having a sick leave isn't really fun anymore.
One plus point: I've lost close to 3kg in a day
Beat that dieting pills!
The worst was at night. You couldn't sleep on your side because it made you feel like shitting, and the smell of stomach oil made it even worse. Then when you finally had to - you dragged yourself up, feeling woozy and half-drugged as you bump into various tables,chairs, cupboards; blindly reaching for the switch before sitting on that throne wondering how long you'll take before you could crawl back into the blessed darkness of sleep.
Woke up feeling like crap and dehydrated to boot - walking around the house makes me feel tired too. Anyway I'm just trying to recover as fast as possible, so that I can start eating proper food. ZOMG LIFE WITHOUT MILK IS SAD! No chocolate, no cheese, no cake, no biscuits, no yohgurt, no icecream........NOTHING! Food is basically water+rice+minced beef. It's such a sad life deshou~~~~~~~
*hurry up to get well*
Can you imagine? I'm just tired out by typing
Eeekk!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:35 p.m.+
yakisoba bun
Today was unproductively spent shopping
RETAIL THERAPY FOREVER! *-*
Anyway my total damage was pretty minimal, because of all the discounts and lastday SALE! slogans. Plus I had shopping vouchers which I originally saved for pajamas, but since they sold out - I decided to buy something else.
Breakdown
blue sailor striped dress
It's really adorable, with a matching Union Jack badge. The skirt base is in pleated grey and the top is navyblue x white sailor stripes. Due to all the cost slashing, it was only $24. (original price, $60) Bought it from Cherrie, the amazingly decorated shop which sells weird stuff ie. KATAMARI DARMACY CHARM NECKLACE! (yep! it has Prince, Le Amour, Papa King etc......even your st00pid cousin Ichigo)
red striped sailor shirt
My first! skinny tee. As in the long tee-shirts favoured by audy. I don't really like them, never felt comfortable in them, shy to wear them...plus it's so S&K/teenybooperish. Not that I dislike S&K, but I don't like them for inventing this kind of shirt thereby destroying the joys of baggy cotton. But anyway I liked this print, plus the cutting was shorter (thus, more flattering on ppl like me with superzomg boobies.) Original price $24, bought for $16
socks socks SOCKS!
1 pair of black overknees, 1 pair of superduperRED (think btssb akazukin) overknee and the UnionJack ones in navy. Apparently, it's the last pair of UnionJack ones....though I contemplated on the skullcrossbones in mana!bluexblack. I like the unionjack ones though, they're not too gothic, more like loser-engrish. LOL. No discount, but I paid by voucher. $36.20
The most Awesome Red skirt
I love it. I really really do. It's not cotton for a change, it's wool. As in the thick, bright wool colour that looks warm and soft. Fully lined, with a row of buttons down the font and a perfectly cut circle skirt. Fully interfaced, double-hemmed and serged. Surprisingly, it's a Korean size S and I can wear it. (wow, looks like being stressed 24/7 has its benefits). The really gorgeous part is mainly the cut and colour. It's the perfect red. PERFECT. The whole Briget Bardot red. Valentino red. French red. No discount though, but $95 for a skirt that's BTSSB worthy and almost the same design as Meta? Worth it any day baby!:D
Of course along the way I tried on lots of stuff, and realized that what I'm after is really a red dress that can be worn for Christmas, Prom and lolita wear. Why red? Because I look really good in it. I don't know exactly why - problably skin tone - but I can wear 2 seperate types of red (I tried an orange red with a deep red) and still wear it without looking like a total disaster. I guess maybe cos I'm quite fair - I dislike the sun intensely. Anyway whatever it is, I look good in red (or any deep hue). Pastels make me washed out, black/dark blue makes me look too pale but burgendy, emerald and turqouise is really flattering. Problably some contrast thing.
So I've sort of narrowed it down to VM or MM
I need something fitted because empire cut makes my boobs big
And I offically hate babydoll dresses
ZOMG I tried one on and it made me look like an inverted triangle! My boobs were even larger than the flare of the waist! *dies a painful death* I not only looks disproportionate, I look pregnant, fat and fugly (ie. awful pajama dresses). Plus MM/VM's designs are classy and timeless (prom requirement check!), does not show any skin (church requirement check!) and is lolita enough~
Part of me really wonders if the site sizing is correct though. Like Moi Meme Moite...you flip through EGL mooks and wonder how those girls stuffed themsleves into it when they look practically your size. Unless of course, they're actually skinnier but look fat in it. Yea, that would make sense. LOL.
.........Though some part of me wishes to dress like a frilly cupcake. *sighs* tsu~tsu~tsu...*shakes* At this rate, no one will wonder why you're basically sex-less, boyfriend-less and suffering from PeterPan syndrome.
Anyway Friday was filled with horrible feelings, Saturday decided to hide from the Rest Of World then go to Provence - the best pastry shop around. It's a pastry shop; which means BREAD BREAD BREAD. The whole place sniffs of butter, flour and yeast. But the whole point of this place isn't the Free Smells (unlike a certain shop in Wisma), the point here is *bread*. Like the Creme di Fraciasse, or the Ogura Whip. Ogura Whip by the way, is problably invented by Gods who passed it down to mortals who are in need of a sugarfix or a pickmeup.
Imagine millefleurs pastry, flakey with butter and crispily puffed at the top with a soft yeasty texture that is both airy and chewy. Fill it with chantilly cream, so sweet and milky it practically floats into your mouth, poofing deliciously. Slather a thick layer of adzuki ogura (specialty redbean paste) so smooth it almost feels like the wagashi yokan. Dust it with icing sugar and voila! Ambroisa from Gods.
It has enough sugar in it to keep me eternally jacked up for a day though, so be warned. On the other hand, eating it _will_ definitely bring a smile to your face. Or any of it's siblings. The chocolat cornet comes pretty close - think chocolate gauche wrapped in a crispy waffly cornet with icing sugar. Or if you're feeling fruity, creme di Orange or a strawberry fraiser will problably do the trick. Almost everything there is bread - the only exception is the pound cake, the Real Thing. Pound cake by the way, isn't the soggy Sara Lee stuff (but that tastes good too) nor is it the uber syurpy glazed cake from Sun Moulin - Pound cake essentially isn't really a cake. It's meant to be toasted for one. Another is that it's supposed to be a crumbly, rich creamyellow - not white. And after toasting, it should have the texture of soft bread - crispily caramelly outside but soft and eggy inside.
Now where is this glorious bakery you ask?
It's in Holland Village, across Subway, next to Cafe Rosso, down from Crystal Jade and past the florist.
Or, once you reach the Windmill, turn to your left towards the Noodle shops, and walk down until you see Provence.
You see? Happiness can be very easily purchased.
Just $1.80! :D
------
Anyway even though it's so unproductive - I'm glad I had fun. In a way it's really productive, because I don't feel so bad or just awful. (although I am still seriously contemplating on skipping art - I don't want to see her). It's nice to go out once in a while yea? And not think about exams so much (eek! gives pimples!)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:24 p.m.+
throw it back somehow
Listening to: Oasis
O.o I think mom is really desperate for me to cut my hair
LOL! Just gave me a voucher <----unsubtle hint
there are many things I'll like to say to you
Woke up with the strangest dream. It's so strange that I woke up laughing. I just feel alone. Really really alone. Seperated. Like as though I'm looking up towards the sky which looks back unseeingly- only me and sky with faceless others walking by. That invisibleness.
grow up they say. Grow up Do I really want to? Do I have anything to look forward to?.......No, not really. Fashion is just something I drown and escape into, not something I live for. Isn't it so sad? Such non-existance? That I have nothing really to live for. I don't like the future - mindless paths filled with material goals; solitary and walked alone. I don't like the past. I don't like the present - a halftorn feeling of bitterness and hope; resentful and restless .......and that panic that I'll just disappear and no one would care.
I'm just not human anymore am I?
A task, a chore, a walking melodrama made for entertainment
Something to pat on the head
Someone to laugh at when the klutz falls over and forgets names
Just that thing lying in the corner.
Living in this madness - I think I'm going crazy.
How can I not?
If there was a way, I could just disappear
from everyone and memories
just flashed into oblivion with no joy and no pain
I would.
If there was a way, I could escape
without breaking nails or tearing skin
just frozen into nothingspace with no feature
I would
If there was a way, I could die
without remembering or guilttripping
just free and white with non-existance
I would.
But I think of the nicer things - the flowers on sunlight, a book, music played by radios....the comforts of materialism and I think, hey, maybe it's okay. Maybe it's okay. It's okay because there's something to touch, there's something to keep real. Keep it simple, keep it real. And the unwinding roads of relations and emotions can just disappear ....right?
But it doesn't really matter anyway does it?
Friends and family come and go
But aesthetics prevail
So I'm shallow.
So I'm superficial.
So I'm the MTV kid. the Vouge reader. the Dumb Masses.
But what's wrong with it?
What so wrong about it?
People leave
Always - even when they say they don't
shikata nai
whatever.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:58 p.m.+
daikirai
Torn between feeling vaguely suicidal and melanchonlic.
I really hate myself sometimes.
I hate feeling so useless
I hate feeling so inadequate
I hate feeling so......like a failure
That despairing feeling that you're not as good - and you know it even if people constantly harp on your supposed potential. Sometimes I want to yell back: "So what if I have potential but can't achieve it?!" Except...so. It just swallows you, that sinking sensation of "what if I'm really sucky?", "what if I'm really horrible?", "what if I'm a great pretender?" mixed with feelings of self-disgust.
*dies*
I feel so demoralized I don't want to go to school.
I just want to stare at the ceiling, sit around and rot
I just want to kill myself in disappointment
Or just hide somewhere and disappear
just disappear
why why why....
I think Art was really the last straw. I just couldn't take it anymore and just ran off (fuckyou) to find somewhere quiet and private so I could just cry. I really couldn't take it anymore - all I wanted to do was run. Away and forever and hide and disappear into the sky. It's almost painful; undescriable to say what's it like to feel like the lowest failure in the world, to sit in a school where no one cares about you, and wrap your arms around your knees and press your face against it and just pretend no one else is there.
I just .........*sighs*
Art was horrible - to the point I don't feel like going for Monday's class. Like goawayandletmebreathe. I wish I could say I cared for my teachers, I wish I could say that they made a deep impact on me which I'm grateful for - but I can't. At most I'm amused by them, at the very least I'm annoyed, irritated and wish to blast them to smithereens. You know what really disturbes me about the teachers of CJC? Their vindictiveness. Or in simpler terms, bitchyness. It bothers me. A lot.
*huggles self*
Am not going to bother audy anymore I guess
shikata nai
but....
ah well
She's busy and all
so....I guess it's those things
plus it's not like she calls me either
so I guess it's fair.
Not going to be on MSN for a while
I just don't feel like talking
or smiling
or even the stupid XD or LOL or :D
all I want to do is hide
under blankets
under skin
under and away
don't touch me
don't touch me
don't touch me at all.
do you really care?
do you show it?
i don't want pointless words
i know words - they're all lies lies lies
words are meant to be lied
if you don't want me
i don't want you either
i'll rather kill myself than to have you if you don't want me
daikirai
g'night
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:00 p.m.+
Surreality
Today was raining which was nice, the only un-nice part of the rain was that it happened at 6.45am in the morning and I had to get up even though I had absolutely no wish to. Anyway it was a fine, swooshy-sort of drizzle which made me think of 2046 and other melodramatic tragdienne'd love stories involving people running here, running there, running everything - all on public transport. And I have a bad feeling that my discman batteries are about to die out. *sighs*
Econs was sleepyish - my eyes felt so dry it almost hurt. It's kinda funny; my handwriting gets progressively worse the sleepier I become. LOL. Slept in class, was too broke to eat so I just stayed in class to read my Murakami and just talk. So funny right? I think rain makes me a little more antisocial than usual. Surprisingly, Mrs Sng was pretty good fun today, mainly because she was being -absolutely- irrelevant. ABSOLUTELY. Like the whole 1 + 1 question. Apparently, it takes an expert to tell you that any answer other than 2 is creative *duhs* then she went on to talk about insurance policies. Like wotthefork? LOL. The best was chasing her down to find out when her birthday was - ahahahahah~ after much persuasion, she said: "Don't bother! It's not during school term!" Which means it's either in June, November or December. It could be during term break though; which means midweek march (which would make her birthday near my brother's! o.O;) or midweek september (which would make her virgo - nah) Anyway I've roped in the help of Ms Ting, Mrs La'Brooy, Dennis (aka. her dah-ling lol) and erm....most people. I WILL find out. hee~ so fun. Must sneakily ask each month.
I'm betting June XD XD XD
CCA was okay, I felt really horrible for Emily though. Argh don't guilt-trip me please? The only comfort I can take is that I wasn't in charge of axing people from the CCA, which makes me a bit of a coward but...at least my hands are clean? Dunno. Talked to Andrew, Kit Qin and Low Yon - ZOMG THEY ALL PLAY RPGs. I don't understand why Kit Qin likes Squall - he's gay with a capital G. Like that earring. Or the black skintight leather pants. Or that absurdly dumb dead rabbit around his neck. Coolest FFguy? please. Sephiroth all the way man! :D
It's nice to have juniors who play RPGs though
And sis - Low Yon plays Xenosaga~
No suikoden-ers though, underrated as usual. *sighs*
Was hungry and sleepy and the bus came so late I felt bad for making Steffi wait with me but ah wells. Really worried over tomorrow's release of Lit results though - it's like panic!panic!panic!. Like those fathers pacing outside the maternity ward kindof feeling. Urgh. Anyway so far my results haven't been the greatest - but I can say at least I've passed most of it. Here's the breakdown:
GP compre: 22/50
GP essay: 38/50
Overall: 60/100 = B3
Econs MCQ: 14/20
Econs essay: 6/25 + 11/25
Econs DRQ: 15/25
Overall: 49/100 = E (1 more mark to a D! *irritated*)
Art: 59/100 (1 more mark to a B! *irritated*)
CL B: 68/100 (2 more marks to a Merit! *irritated*)
I'm not very happy over my results - I really think I could've done better. I really wish I wasn't so careless, I really wish I didn't misread the questions, I really wish I took my time to plan my essays before I started.....all except Art. Why? Because that bloody frikkin' teacher didn't even take into consideration that I did *exactly* what she wanted after common test, and yet she didn't even acknowledge it. That doesn't do more than make me feel like fuming.
On the other hand, I've improved I think. I've started passing all my subjects more or less consistently. My GP essays improved from a 33 to a 38 - and the compre was a fluke. Bad time management. For the summary question (9marks!!!) I only wrote 2 lines, which resulted in 2 marks (less than my usual 7). That kinda pisses me off. Urgh. But no point crying.
.......but I still feel disappointed. With myself mostly.
*slunks around* mou.....~
Anyway tomorrow there's Econs Prelimprep and I have stacks of MCQ to do; so after the Sephiroth scene ends (ZOMG SO COOL!) Gotta go do work!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:54 p.m.+
streptococci
Listening to: Tamashii no Rufuran
Got back Econs...I passed with an E/D. Why E/D? Because yet again, I have scored another 9-er. Yes folks, a bloody 49. I swear there's nothing more irritating than being just one grade below. If I get a 59 for Lit, I'll just jump off the nearest building because fuck, God hates me kthxbai.
It didn't help that Sng was giving me dirty looks the entire day (yes I know I'm the failure of the universe and cause of Mass Destruction, happy?) and Fahy very gently told me that my problem was partily because I overthink the question OR misreading. *sighs* His words are as familar as Mrs Alex's midyear review: You need to tone down - they're marking for relevence, not for insight - no matter how profound and accurate it is. So I guess the whole immoral/amoral/moral debate for HoD is mostly within the schizophrenic imagination of my personalities.
Anyway I'm glad school ended early today - went to the Art Room with Clare, but didn't really want company. (sulking is best done alone; so no one can stop you from self-recriminations) Went to topup my card, then went for a walk in the supermarket. Some people practice retail theraphy - walking around spending endless amounts of money buying and trying on clothes; some people seek comfort food of icecream, chocolate and soup; some people just go and sleep. Me? You know what I do when I'm depressed?
I go supermarkets.
I derive a satisfaction of beating all those aunties in getting the best punnet of cherries from the bottom of the freezer; so fresh, there's still condensation on it. I love sifting through boxes and boxes of fruits to find the brightest, heaviest and cleanest packet before anyone else does. Plus! It's fun to compete against those market-savvy aunties, dressed in slippers with those heavily protected shopping baskets. Bought 1kg of cherries, 1 litre of milk and Sara Lee pound cake.
Cherries are nice! I love cherries! I love almost any kind of berry except gooseberries cos it's sour. Anyway the kind I bought was really cheap (NTUC had an offer on them) and they were so dark and so red - it bordered on purple. It's so red that it looks like congealed blood, purplish and bruised and sweeter than anything. (somehow reminds me of Sympathy for Lady Vengeance) Anyway I love them. They stain your lips so red and sweet and juicy - it's so sexy to just look at them. They're like shiny and glowing and rubyred - utterly delicious and precious.
Unfortunately, most berries are seasonal (and imported) so it tends to be expensive, and not easily avaliable. It's strawberry season now I think, and since it's monsooning in most of SEA, you can expect stuff like jambu, rambutan et al.
Went home, watched Ouran (go Tamaki! go Kyouya!) and giggled like mad over Tamaki's silliness. Actually, Tamaki sometimes reminds me of Tsuzuki. Cute huh? (and Kyouya *definitely* reminds me of Tatsumi - now all we need is Watari) Then learnt my newest insult:
STREPTOCOCCI!
prounciation: strap'toe'ko'kai
full name: streptococci thermophilius
Basically its a kind of bacteria that ferments (in yohgurt et al). So like, in the case of Mrs Sng: "YOU FERMENTED HAG OF STREPTOCOCCI!" or if it's someone with B.O : "ZOMG, did the streptococci ferment him or something?" :D :D :D I though of others too ie. "EAT MY LACTOBACILLUS YOU DIPSHIT!". I wonder when people will start going, "he's as crooked as a spirilla!"
XD XD XD bio is now fun!
Yeah.
Anyway so I'm kinda freaked out about exams now (ZOMG ONLY SEVEN WEEKS LEFT TILL PRELIMS!) so I'm really sorry if I seem crankier, irritable and generally whiny to be around. It's like....nervous tension. Argh I really need good results to apply to Imperial college. Damned.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:39 p.m.+
Skewed
*sulks*
*sulks*
My results suck so bad I feel so demoralized and I really just want to kill something now. Preferably Mrs Sng or That Damned Art Teacher.
GP sucked.
My comprehension was a measly 22/50
If not for the fact my essay salvaged grades, I problably would've passed horribly. At the end, I scrapped through a B3 with a 60. *dies* HORRORS.
Mistakes made:
-bad time management
-did not do AQ
-did not meet question requirement
Essay was okay though...38/50. Though for the life of me I didn't know wotthefork I wrote. I have NOT A SINGLE CLUE how I got 38. If I were to mark myself, I'll problably give only a 33. I don't get it. How did I get those 5 marks? I didn't follow the ACAR format, I inserted bits of quotes, my handwriting was barely illegible and it was - in all honesty, somewhat disjointed. If I could figure out how I did it - I'll be much happier.
Then ART. I got a C again. Why? Because I was fucking short of ONE mark. ONE. Repeat: ONE mark. A 59/100 doesn't really motivate me, it just pisses me off. It just makes me want to sit down, stare at it and sulk sulk sulk before throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old. FUCKER. I don't feel motivated- I was so fucking pissed off because I did exactly what she wanted for common test, then during midyears she tells me something different and I end up getting the SAME FUCKING MARK BITCH.
*curses*
You know what? I have lowered expectations.
If I get through everything with a C I will give thanks and praise the Lord, Amen.
Repeat after me: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I did what she wanted, so why wotthefuck?
It doesn't help that Mrs Sng has been yelling at me nonstop for my poor GP comprehension, then threatening to kick me from S Lit, then shouting at my form teacher, then publicly jacking me again during Lit lect. Now you know why I dread school? It's demoralising. It's horrible. It feels like hell burned 20x times and fuck it - I'm still here.
I'm just really frustrated, annoyed, hurt etc
*sighs*
I feel like I'm going to fail
and end up committing harikiri
*drowns*
I don't think I'm meant to be competitive at all
I rarely succeed academically anyway
It doesn't suit me, and sometimes I wish badly I was more like Rachel Koh - the perfect expression of instructable emotion.
I just feel so betrayed I guess
By myself, by my friends-
I don't feel that they care
I don't feel it at all
I think about last Friday and how I turned invisible, and realize that my existence in this school is perfunctory at best. I don't really matter at all. Sometimes I feel that the only people who care are the people of my imagination. The lovely submersive dreams that I don't want to wake up from.
darkness of massacaring lights
so red, so bright - raspberry ooze delights
running that race, dripping down those walls
[paint it red]
their faces bent foward eagerly
bodies pressed against the fence
crowding pushing waiting to see
stuffed peanut crunching gallery
you watch me
you watch me take my chainsaw
the hum, the whirr, the manical motor
the beat of my very heartbeat
explodes into the shower of bloodsplattered gore
you think i love you?
you think i care?
[let me bring you]
no hell is just like mine.
God I'm pissed. I'm so irritated the only thing entertaining was gossip (provided by Clare. wah lau)
circus bedazzles, showbooth signs:
GREATEST FREAKS OF YOU
the doorman welcomes with cheshire smiles
[the greatest show on Earth]
walk in.
stand naked you freak
pleasant society is unpleasant of you
faces hard with judgement with hands
thrust into familysized popcorn
CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! is the sound of your sentance
jaw hinges and moves upward to a grind
LIGHTS
blinding, glaring, white-stripped
all world can see your damages
read her evil thoughts and soft dreams
peel that skin and bleed that body
everyone's watching hungrily.
the idiocy.
but wait! what's that sound?
the ticking sound of counting time
1 2 3 4 5
the bodies are blown in glorious explosions
dripping colour on whitewashed walls
in hues of crimson and scarlet
the eyeball that rolls at your feet-
smile!
you're finally dressed in red.
I am so freaking violent and vulgar today
do I feel bad?
Not really.
They deserved it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:04 p.m.+
You know you have ISSUES
You know you have ISSUES when you....
1. start wanting to look like a doll
2. start dressing like a doll
3. start getting turned on by yaoi dolls
4. think that Nazidoll smexing Priestdoll is HAWT despite bad English
Explaination?
here
and
Nazi Doll!
and
NaziDoll with Priestdoll having smex!
It's distrubing to realize how far the yellow brick road has gone when you start looking at gay nazi dolls having dirty!seme!sex with priests...
I am so going to hell for this kthxbai.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:39 a.m.+
Supernature
Friday Saturday Sunday
A trio that stands "weekend"
like nothing else; quite so
Friday was beautiful
painfully sweet like hard candy
cracked between teeth and toes
bright red and bleeding
pounding and sweet and dying all at once
like oblivion - but better
some call it transcendence - I call it pain
it's when your body knows and it's against what you're doing
so sleep
and forget
about those dreams (yes those)
that come upon unsuspecting wakefulness.
Saturday dawned late and noisy
of sunshine and shopping and humidity that clung to skin
the madness of crowds sunken
with opened mouths and ringtone voices
corridoors of crowded humanity
press; switch; turn; walk
and the white spaces that held
flavours of oil paints
perfume of fresh paper
viridan, sap, alizurin, cadmium
the music of colour
with brushstrokes in number: 12, 8, 6
over untouched canvases in potential plastic
all $133 dollars
spent
in a glorious artistic ejaculation.
Sunday woke too early with rain
cocooned in sheets softer than skin
-sleep for another hour- it said
but I rose, dressed and changed.
Groceries and megamarkets
Capsicums that smelt peppery sweet
and cloudy fish eyes - how reek
Cherries by handfuls, farflung from China and USofA
red and glowing, like unreal rubies or tiny apples
straight from Snow White's poisoned fate
Nothing tastes quite as sweet as danger.
Went home and laughed disgusted
those MTV Kids - Sweet Spoilt Sixteens
The downturn tantrums and loud whines
like a trainwreck you just HAVE TO watch
into a splendid disaster of pink sparkles and Louis Vuitton
you wonder who's worse?
The idiot of the parent of the brat of the child?
All pinkiness of trainwreck sparkles:
My SuperSweet Sixteen.
Now the night has come
I'm stuck doing Homework
Assignments straight from hell
The panicking fear of ZOMG hangs
like a doomed fate - 2am.
S Lit it says, more like Scary Lit
I tremble! I turn! I type!
to hand this up to The Sng.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:21 p.m.+
Caught you.
Random moment:
Today I thought of you and perhaps, all the possibilities that could've existed - then realized I don't give a fuck about the "what ifs" of us anymore.
Random moment 2:
OMG I LOVE THIS!!!
Ahhhh! ZOMG I love that OP set with red capelet and everything......And it's only $545 SGD. *deadpans* Yay?
---------------
Can you sense my crankiness? I'm not really cranky. Just hypersensitive from panadol and yurameki and sugar. It's a very yurameki day. How do I know? Because it moved slowly, because my head felt like killing me, because I nearly thought I went crazy in school and almost called audy - except that I can't cos she'll be angry that I called her in the middle of school. For a second, I thought I'll rather die than to have this pounding voice in my head that made my hands cold and shaky, that made me feel so sick I didn't eat anything today (except dinner, which I puked later), that made me so antisocial I didn't want to touch anyone, that I didn't want to say more than I needed to because I could feel tension like a scrabbing violent beast inside.
However painful the experience, it resulted in about 7 sketches and 2 fics - all of which are horribly feel-bad with demonic symbols which I think only I can read.
Sometimes I think I live in two worlds - the natural one and the one I actually see. The natural one is canteen lights and ceiling fans and people normally and natural. The palimpescent layer which I see is superimposed, like a reflection caught and pasted like a collage. Do you know how it feels like? You're walking in the canteen with a jacket and notebook and pencil and eraser and suddenly the chattering voices stop being voices and become something like a rhythemic music, the air saturates and desaturates and the floor below slips into sand - soft shifting sands that feel like sinking. The faces of people you know seem vulgar and fleshy - meat hanging off bone and too loud, to garish, too hot and heated and human. You feel mildly disgusted - human expressions and skin and hair and fluid and bone. The world receeds and flows like tides, and the place seems to be moving and static at once, as though the people stopped but noise continued.
I felt totally, absolutely sick today.
I couldn't touch anyone, I could barely speak
I felt cold - a chill that hollowed you inside and out.
But I couldn't stop writing and drawing. As though it was automatic and uselessly controlled....I mean I've had bouts of yurameki inspiration before, but never so strongly and so publicly that during break I was literally a mess of oversensitized, hypersensitized, sensoryoverload. I didn't eat, I could barely tolerate water (I puked milo) and ended up at the second floor toilet shivering and trying to get hold of myself before the next class started.
Strangely enough, it didn't affect my schoolwork at all. In fact, I'll say it made me even more productive than usual. My assignments were above my usual standards, the verbal test for econs was word-perfect and my notes had more self-inserts than usual. Seems like being hypersensitive makes me pay attention even more than usual. Besides that, my notebook is practically half-full with doodlings and musings.
-------------
dead animals lie between
me & you
the knives and forks and spoons clinking
unmeeting
eyes that look everywhere but
me & you
carcass of ribs, loins and bones
dissected; desecrated
in jus and demiglace
a scattering of casualties blocking
me&you
voiding the how was your day? it was fine
and all the spacing and empty spaces of
not touching
like we always do
me&you
the violence is our indifference.
[taste of blood]
I'll clean it up a bit, edit it then send it in under "violence" for the literary competition. What gives? Because I'm like that. Because I believe people are like that. Because too many people do the nothing, say the nothing, and just give that LOL and :D. Because we all do it - I know.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:34 p.m.+
Compliments
Listening to: Bloc Party.
I'm mildly annoyed, mainly because I've lost my new earphones again. You know how annoying that is? The first pair broke, the second pair got run over by a car, and now my third pair is missing (and problably being trampled on) in school. *kills* It's this very reason that prevents me from buying any earphones that cost over $10.
Repeat after me: ARGH.
Anyway, yesterday was quite okay in the sense that school ended at 2pm and there wasn't any CCA. Decided to go watch a movie, since I haven't watched one in ages - but Alicia had to cut her hair and Rachel Koh had training so in the end, only Clare and I went. Bought the tickets for Thank You for Smoking (5.45pm) and then wandered around Orchard.
Went to Spotlight, and ZOMG BEADING LACE! It was 20% off for everything and I managed to get a whopping 6! metres worth of it (and bankrupt myself in the process). I think it'll be gorgeous for a kuroxshirololi look, and I adore the fat, scalloped beading lace. It's so cute and pretty! Met up with Sak at Mos and started cooing over the absolute joyness of lace, lace and more lace. Talked about the latest in yaoi_daily (zomg, lingam!) before she left for Spotlight and Clare and I left for the movie.
The movie was GREAT. It was really funny - almost like teaching you how to fight against your parents and teachers. I particularly loved the part on how the dad taught his son; "Do you know what BS is?" "Yeah, bullshit." "Well, these questions your teacher set are just made for it." Ahahahahahahah~ Absolutely hilarious. The soundtrack is wonderfully apporiately, and the Warhol-esque opening sequence is one of the cleverest I've seen in a while.
Went home, watched TV and finished some Econs hw (I think we're one of the few classes with assignments due already) then zonking out into sleep-induced oblivion.
----------------
You know, I never really had any friends that were Aquarian and Clare is - well........dunno. We're similar but very different. *highlights very* It's as though we want to achieve similar goals but the goals itself have different meaning for each of us. Which leads to a strange sort of feeling of "wha-?". It's almost like my friendship with Gloria, we get along perfectly fine and I do like her - however, in times of death and need I'll problably not contact her.
In Clare's case, it's even weirder because we're more or less tied only through friends and similar people we've met. To be exact, she's Rachel Koh's friend and Alicia's friend - and she bonded with me over our general dislike over Gabriel. Does that make sense yet? Sometimes I don't know what to say or I don't feel like talking but I feel compelled to fill the silence anyway. I just don't feel very comfortable I guess......There's a connection okayish, but there isn't the natural affection that I have with other people. I don't have a complusion to hug her for one.
I guess part of the problem is because she's a bit of an intellectual snob. Artyfarty movies (check), fine arts (check), distaste for plup fiction (check), dislikes trashy magazines (check) and pop music (check). Add to that, the usual problems that come with these kinds of people; disconnection, obsession with how intelligent they are/people are and of course, angst. Like ZOMG LOTS OF IT!11oneone!!
I don't dislike her mind you, I actually like her as an aquaintance-friend. But I don't think anything more than that. *shrugs* I guess I'm just too pop-culture to be totally cool. Ahahaha~ It doesn't really bother me though. I'm pretty easygoing.
Oh yeah! Saw Mrs Sng in Orchard. So funny. :D
Showed off her LV to me and shopping and all
Ahahahah
-----------------
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:19 p.m.+
II'addition
Tired. Tired. Tired....and it's only the first day of school
Classes were okay, class got yelled at in the middle of LT cos apparently we screwed up royally for Heart of Darkness. *dies* I am so going to kill myself once, twice and three times if I fail Conrad. Only good bit for today was finding out my MCQ Econs results (the sucky one were I made careless mistakes) and I passed! 14/20! :D :D :D That's better than I expected (although now it means that I could've gotten at 17. Damn.)
Decided to skip Island Creamery cos I was poor and broke, so Alex and I (both equally poor and broke) went over to my place and talked about what else? Work. Just discussed Aristotle's concept of Happiness - too right. It's kinda interesting that we both agree on the 'completion' idea - but differ in terms of 'mistake.' Homo sapien superiority as downfall? or is 'mistake' actually allowing more freedom? Fun! At least we agreed on the 'pursuit of happiness leads to happiness' bit. Or maybe it's just 2 workaholics justifying their existence. hah!
Meiji icecream is nice and seasalt looking and blue. :D
Me love <3~
Fangirled with Alicia - ZOMG I NEVER TALKED SO MUCH JAP SHITE SINCE IJ! Yeah cos she takes takes classes from Bunka so when I make weird wordplay jokes she understands it ie. "Tamaki Souh!" as in the "handroll". LOL. Ouran jokes! Yeah and she thinks Yoshiki is hawt too. So we fangirled for like ONE HOUR just squeeing delightfully over the esoteric joys of slurpy soba, mont blanc, BOOK OFF, Rabuuu Hoteru (love hotels) and vending machines that dispense everything.
So it's like we can go Japan together!
Alicia, Sak and I! In June!
She's really an otaku in the biggest sense
Glasses, collects figurines and ultimate geekdom
respect!
LOL. I can just imagine: Sak decked out in AP, tsu in IW and Alicia in otaku gear as we browse through the hardcore yaoi section of Book Off looking for Okane ga Nai, Nekomimi, Gravitation Remix and other wonderful gheyness of the bois :D then afterwards we can go to d'Caramel and eat parafaits, mont blancs and strawberry shortcake! <3 <3 <3
I'm so ghey :x
My imagination is overtaking me
'A' levels hasn't even ended yet
But it -is- wonderful to dream isn't it?
By the time I went back to school I was dead tired and slumped over CL 'B'. Decided not to go for Art cos I forgot to buy canvas and dunno what to draw. (art results not out yet)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:32 a.m.+
still thinking.
Listening to: Duran Duran
Today was great in the sense that it was nothing except ordinary. Ordinary in that glorious boring way, the everyday-ness which makes my heart flutter the way Tamaki does over Commoner's Life XD It was wonderful because loafing around and staring blankly into ceilings require more work than it sounds, it was wonderful because everything felt slow and noiseless and syrupy. Then going swimming later with sis - real swimming, not just floating around with sak (sak can't swim) before hopping over to the vending machine and eating crispies by the pool and diving in AGAIN! into blissfulness.
I really love swimming~
And I think I'm gonna get a tan soon if I keep this up
Hah! A tanned tsu~ sounds like an oxymoron.
a
sinking
sensation of
saying goodbye
with as few
words
[sayonara]
the foreign words
fall smoothly from your
lips
Then decided to be a bit nice tomorrow and buy candy for everyone. I guess no one really wants to buckle down for Prelim prep (I don't.) and there's this sensation of the holidays ending and the midyear results coming back - so! I bought candy! And entire bucket of it (a cute red pail!:D) Why a bucket? Because I think it's cute and Red Riding Hood-ish. Besides, it's just candy. Nice to spread da sugary lurvveeeee~
Talked to my sis - but then again, I always talk to her. It's so weird when I hear of other people fighting with their younger sisters over stuff like clothes and boyfriends (wtf!?yeah.) I guess it helps that we're distinctive enough so we don't really touch each other's style, but share enough interests together not to fight. And I don't really have a problem with her borrowing my clothes - sis should be pretty!:D *dresses her cupcake* ahahaha...she'll kill me.
---------
Sometimes I think of what I'll do if you died.
Sometimes I think of what I'll do if you left.
Mostly - I think of what happens after all that.
Feeling so many desires at once
Is like being seperated - against and into self.
-----------
Preparing for school tomorrow....it's a half/half thing. On one hand, I really would like to see people again and get back into the full swing of things after such a beautful (yet brief) hiatus. On the other hand, I seriously dread the overload of homework, the expection/disappointments once I get back my results (esp. Econs/Lit) and dealing with unsavoury comments. Then there's also the foreseeable high stress, the long hours, the wondering Why The Hell Am I Here? feelings.
Anyway, I don't really know what to pack either so I just threw in my purple file, cheapgreen notebook (perfect for lecture sneaking!), foolscape paper, Heart Of Darkness, discman and pencil bag. Kreme is currently in the wash so...err....he's "out of duty" for the next week or so. Pillow on the other hand, is nice and safe under my sis's care. Cute huh?! We have matching umbrellas and matching bags! :D
<----- mostly tsu's fault.
dinner sits between us
an armement of forks, knives and spoons
sliently do battle next to dead animals
[ e m p t y s p a c e ]
we stare into.
I'm rather tired from 2 hrs of swimming actually....don't really know what else is there to say. That I really want to stay/leave at the same time? That I'm excited over Italy and (tentative) Japan? That I wish for everything and nothing at once?
So weird.
henda yo~.....
Anyway I really need to pack a jacket into my bag for tomorrow just in case I have an early morning lecture. Bleh. Then I'll be cold and frozen and unhappy cos being cold and frozen so early in the morning is really really horrible. You're hungry, you're cold and you still have to copy down notes. Argh.
Maybe I'll watch Superman on Wednesday.
We'll see.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:14 p.m.+
Sleepless Beauty
Listening to: Gravitation OST
I realize that when I'm in a trashy mood my tracklist automatically includes Gravitation, hide and Gorillaz's White Light. LOL. And my sis is scaring me -_-;;; She wants to gel my hair up cos she thinks it'll look like Hero in SuikoV. *shudders* Kowaii deshou~
Anyway I kept on forgetting but there's this pretty funny incident on the day of my lit8 exam. I was walking up the stairs and looking at the wall of the library (cos they covered it over with concrete and it looked cool and grungy)
tsu--->|||||(stairs)---->
When I saw alex at the corner of the foyer like this
____library wall___ ---foyer-- alex[canteensteps]
tsu on |||||(stairs)-------->CCA boards
Then when I was walking I suddenly noticed someone on the benches under the CCA boards who looked vaguely familar.
I thought he was Alvin (from Judo) cos he was wearing those superthick plastic glasses and I was going to say hi when I suddenly realized....
OMG! That's Gabriel Tan!
ahahahahahahahahaahahaha!
It's those really strange moments that you've realized you're ENTIRELY forgotten how the person looks like even though you've been talking (Clare and her Angst) about them. You know how weird it was? It was like "Ohmytian! I've been gossiping about you and I can't even remember how you look like!" And since I really thought he was Alvin and it took me a while to realize it was:
____library wall___ ---foyer-- alex[canteensteps]
||||||||(stairs)----tsu------>CCA board (gabriel tan)
I think it took me a good 30seconds to realize. In which, I had been walking straight towards the CCA boards. Ahahaha! And when I did finally see him - he was staring at me with this "Oh God Forbid!" look. So after a good bout of blank staring, I just walked diagonially across the foyer towards alex. Ahahahaha~ he had this WTF!expression - I wonder, did he know I couldn't recognize him? (I think he automatically assumed I was doing it on purpose). In any case, I hope it fucked him up real good for his Bio paper.
It was really funny though - it's like those "Are You Talking Behind my Back?" games. And you don't notice the person you're talking about is there when you turn around and go "oh. Hi." But the scary thing is that am I really that forgetful about people? It took me a good 6 months not to mix up my classmates' names, another 1.5 years to stop calling Jared, "Gerard" (though I still laspe into it sometimes). And also that I still can't remember all my art classmates names - horrible I know.
Ahahaha~ anyway it kept me utterly amused throughout my entire paper. Amused in a cold, frozen aircon sort of way.
And as I remember it - I can't help thinking of what Alex and I said to Gloria at the end of the exam:
"Newspapers? Never meed to read them. (laughter) We live in our own world!"
It's quite true. That we kind of live in our own universe - we're kinda socialized and not at the same time. I'm lucky in the sense that my class is considered the "cool" class, we have popular people like Jocelyn and dozen or so SC members. So by default I have enough socialization and I know enough people to have a pretty okay school life. But generally? We live in our own world. I rarely party, hate clubbing and really - after seeing your face to 6 or sometimes 10 hrs straight - the last thing I want to do is to see even more of you.
Anyway! Quiz! Tagged by audy:
my teacher once said
"wahhh....first time I see your homework."
never in my life have i regretted
not wearing underwear to sleep :D
the one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always make me smile
my sis! ahahahahaha
i like
skies, wind and ferris wheels! I also like anything sweet ^^
when i'm nervous
I bite my fingernails and become very restless.
the last time i laughed
Watching Ouran!XD XD XD
my hair
is long, floppy and very messy :(
my feet
have toes and very green veins (can see through!)
last christmas
rented movies, called up people and slacked
when i turn my head left, i see
treetops and sky
when i turn my head right, i see
TV, computer, phone.
when i turn my head down, i see
the floor.
the craziest recent event
EXAMS. LIEK WANNA DIE LOR.
by this time next year
I'll be preparing to go UK and study. Pack bags! :D
I have a hard time understanding
everything.
one time at a family gathering
I actually had fun.
you know i like you if
I'm willing to sacrifice sleep for you.
triangles are
pointy, and tasty too.
if you make me really happy
I'm problably lying to you.
anytime soon, somehwere i plan to visit
Italy, Japan and.........maybe maybe Phuket. IheartThailand.
boys are
XY chromosomes.
i'd stop my wedding if..
I thought it is the right thing to do.
the world could do without
cockroaches; instectile and homo sapien types.
i'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than
become blind or lose my hands.
most recent thing you've bought yourself
watercolour paper and mounting board for art exam.
my least favourite time of the day
6am to 10am.
and by the way, please hold on
i really need to kill a mosquito!!!!
the last time i was high
was swimming with sak and sis, and having french toast. Beached Whales! :D
the last person i talked to
Mom, she wanted some raspberry ripple icecream.
i shouldnt have
spent all my moolah so fast. Ah well :(
last night
I walked out of the house in pajamas XD
there's this girl i know who
likes kokepan and listens to music all the time~
her name is phiryn cos she is very touchy-phiiiel-ly~
^_____________________________^
there's this guy i know who
has fangirls and is "yummy". ROFTL.
i'll tell the next person who makes me really happy
*squee*glomp* who needs words anyway?
i'm listening to
Plan A by Duran Duran.
i last ate
raspberry ripple icecream.
my bedsheet is
fish-ish with grey and white and blue.
i smell
fish bones frying for stock in the kitchen :D
on my table i have
don't have a table lol. I have a shelf.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:28 p.m.+
It's offical
It's offical, EGL/EGA has taken over my life.
How do I know this?
It's when I start planning shopping trips with Sak to Japan JUST FOR SHOPPING.
Anyway, here are the details:
-Somewhere in June 2007 (summer clothing!)
-3 day trip
So if anyone's interested (or wants me to buy back something) do drop me a line.
---------
MID YEAR EXAMS ARE OVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slept for 14 hrs straight after the gruelling papers. I didn't know I was so tired. Saturday was slackdom day lol~ Watched TV, went swimming with Sak and Sis and came up with the Let's Go Japan! idea which consisted of Osaka, Fukuoka and Tokyo. Why these places? It's because BABY comes from Osaka, Angelic Pretty from Fukuoka and everyone else comes from Tokyo. LIEK IT PWNZ j000! feeling
Besides, I want my memory of Japan to be a good memory.
The last one I had was horrible
It'll be nice if I could change it to a good memory
And not feel so disappointed.
Anyway I really have to bathe
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:06 p.m.+
chupa-chupps rainbow
Listening to: The Hong Kong Knife - Love Me
-------theme: violence------
The strawberries I know aren't sweet but taste like metal with salt, pouring juicily from the sides of the head like jam over bread. It's strawberry season everyday in the everlasting summer of my life, the strawberry season that comes with knives and forks and spoons and hands and fists that come everywhere at once until it blossoms over peachy skin and liqourice hair like fields and fields of glistening rubyred strawberries glowing in the darkness.
A maskful perriot in a glass case with eyes to itself unreflected, is the you with pigskin with your red face of drooling raspberrybubbles and saliva syrup. Pinkycheeked, we twirl and waltz in the dance of bouncing chairs and flying forks - all dum-dee-dum-dum in a one-two-three. It's a special dance between us, a strawberry shortcake all squishy with flesh and jam inbetween, dripping with lusciousness until my lips and mouth and tongue are covered with the sticky juices of our dancing love.
Nights hold my strawberry dreams of pinkred love, I give you strawberry kisses at the side of your head with a bang-bang until it blossoms in your unreflected eyes the beautiful glowing red of sicksweet scrumptious strawberry love. I'll put my cold hands in you, the warm body filled with mouthwatering strawberry marmalade and bury my face into the oozing, slushy warmth that lies within. hugs. I'll hug you, and hold you forver in the cuddling embrace soaked with the flavoured happiness.
And in waking days, the candyholic laughter I give is the bright strawberry noise dedicated to the people around the world - bright and sparkling and red in strawberry words unsympathatic reality. Can you hear the melody that no one knows?
Bang bang.
It's over.
Love me
----------------------
Yay. One done, 2 to go! :D
Written as an entry for competition.
I doubt it'll win though, it's hard to read.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:00 p.m.+
haunting
Just felt like listening to Fly Me to The Moon.
The wind smells spiffy today.
I think it's asking me to go huddle under some sheets and sleep.
Did the dumb, silly, pointless NE quiz which was - as usual, filled with meaningless inane questions ie. "Which woman do American Men want to date most? a)Cordelezza Rice b)Angelina Jolie..." etc. See how stupid it is? 40 MINS of this. Urgh.
Went out with Steffi to buy watercolour paper and mounting board for tomorrow's art exam. 3 hrs. Urk. *doinks head on wall* Friday hurry come.....*doink!doink!doink!* It's just so draggy. I wish my exams were spread a bit more, instead of a huge rush then a long break than another huge rush. Tomorrow I have 6 hours of sitting to do - how sad is that?
Lit + Art = 6 hrs *sighs*
So when everyone's off partying, I'm stuck in the examination hall.
Was bloody early for tuition today because I mixed up the timings. I came at 2.30, cos I thought it was 2.30-5.30 but actually it was from 6.30! So what could I do? It's too late to go home and leave again (2 hrs back and forth) and I was really tired too. *sighs* So I just waited. And waited. And waited. Did my homework (new) and napped a bit. I'm pretty surprised I survived it. Seems like entertaining myself is easy even though I forgot to bring a book, earphones and drawing paper. You'll would've thought I died of boredom.
Went home and heaven! ate rice. Bah I'm so sick of snacking. (though I really liked those Ameiceilli sticks) Watched Project Runway then surfed a bit to take my mind of Pract Crit. I hate exams okay? I really do. And I can't really complain about Pract. Crit to anyone cos everyone will hate me. When people are busy trying to get a pass - I whine and worry about whether I'll get a 40/50 or not. >_> Therefore, to prevent being mob-lynched, I just keep quiet and shutup.
But I really want a 40 ;_;
I really really do
It's strange y'know.....it's a different set of rules altogether when you're trying to get really high marks. Like for Econs, those people who seem to score so easily seem like geniuses to me and I wonder how they do it - as well as getting occasionally frustrated at their speed. I guess it's the same for others when I do it. But it's funny in the sense that the desperation to pass is more or less the same as the desperation to score a distinction. In a way, it's even more. I can say that I'm way more nervous before Lit than any other paper because not only am I expected to do well, I expect myself to do well and it really hurts if I do. Wheras for a paper like Econs, my nervousness is not so much on expectations, but rather the chancy nature of passing or not. But since expectation doesn't exist, there's a lesser chance of disappointment.
Make sense?
Besides, there's something I notice about Spaper students: they're usually not passionate about the subject but simply do it because they're naturally brilliant at it. Like Kaiwen and Lit or Alex and Econs. It's especially clear with the science students. (I bet that Alphonsus, Gerard and this-who really couldn't give a fuck). The similarities are that 1. Good Foundation 2. Knowing Exactly What They Want 3.Natural Talent. By general consensus we always say we're mugging even when we're not, simply for the sake of looking studious. (the only exception may be Alex, she's not passionate about econs either - she's just good at it)
Funny isn't it?
And usually why other people don't make it is because they fall short of one of the factors. The real killer is the foundation skills - I bet if everyone brushed up their foundation skills (ie. JC1 stuff + sec school) most people would qualify for Spapers. The second factor belongs to those people who are nearly there (ie. scoring Cs,Bs) but not quite making it. In that sense, Fahy is right because examinations are basically a really huge chessgame - the problem lies when the players don't know what they're playing. The last group is people where science students and thought arts was easier so they jumped boat ie. glen and those who have problem even forming sentances ie. gaberiel tan hong chun who cannot write a full sentance because everything is in bloody fragments *edits zealously* good riddence.
I'm just really freaked out.
ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH AGRH AGRH
And yay! Monday is a holiday!<3~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:40 a.m.+
*sighs girlishly*
If there's a trait I have which is infinitely irritating (to myself) but at the same time rather predictable - is that I'm horrendously indecisive. As in horrendously indecisive. And what happens in the end is that I'll make a choice too quickly and end up regretting it moments later. Point being:
checktartan or polkadot?
Both of them are pink. The checktartan is bright pink (think nailpolish) and in small checks with yellow overlay while the polkadot is in bandung-pink and the size of minnie mouse's dots. I've been agonizing over it the past few nights and the only conclusion I can come up with is nothing. Urgh.
Today was fine. Nice break from the extremely annoying exams, and finally got a chance to wash my dirty cat which used to be cream and now is grey. Anyway I washed him once, twice but was still dirty so I left him to soak overnight in Dynamo. He should be spanking!clean once he cleans up though. He keeps on getting dirty 'cause I carry him everywhere and stuff everything into him ranging from fountain ink refills to pencil scrapings. I love using fountain ink though, it's wonderfully versatile and I've used it for both essays and drawing and even!watercolour washing. Plus the blueink version is a gorgeously ultramarine blue which is addictive to use.
I'm still debating with myself whether or not to go for prom. I have a feeling that it'll wind up being on 29th Nov and then I'll have no reason to not go right? I mean in any case, I need to say goodbye(forever) to some of these people whom I've made friends with. It's courtesy. While I'm quite sure I'll paths will never cross in the future (unless, it's fated and unintentional),you just need to allocate the respect that you've been with these people for the 1.5years.
Although, that makes me wonder what I can actually wear to it.
September rush-jobs anyone?
I really don't know what to think sometimes.
Well, tomorrow there's Econs PrelimPrep and NE Quiz. NE Quiz by the way, is the most nonsensical exam ever (NE = National Education). Basically the test is divided into 3 sections: Domestic, Regional, International where they ask inane and sometimes ridiculous questions ie. Who was the winner of the 2004 American Idol?. It's pretty stupid. It's so stupid that even though there are marks given for it, it's not even considered important in your final exam slip. To summarize: It's an exam for the sake of examination - no purpose whatsoever.
Going to drop by HMV after the paper to get Graham his birthday present, then head for tuition. Honestly I think I should just pack lunch instead of eating out because a)I can cook better than that b)I'm not paying $4 for a sandwhich I could easily make c)my sandwhich would problably be tastier than yours. Ahhhh~ The perils of getting spoilt on home-food. I think I'll cook pasta tonight and toss it with sauce and pack it for lunch tomorrow. Pasta = can be eaten anytime! :D
Mmmm...especially if it's those dry pasta lightly tossed in sauce with rocket (argrula), parsely (cilantro) and lettuce tossed in. Delicious. Oh! And add cracked black pepper too!
*sideways whine* Why are people -always- surprised that I'm pretty domesticated? Is it like.....sewing/cooking is inversely related to literary sophisication?
Ridiculous.
But then again, it's the mindset that people have.
I've never really seen myself as "radical" or "rebel" anyway. That's what people say about me, not what I actually think. It's these people ie. Felix+Others, who are constantly surprised because they come and talk to me with a predisposed idea of who I am already based on what other people say.
Anyway I'm going back to scanning for images.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:19 p.m.+
Meep.
Econs was........
Unspeakably evil.
It started quite alright at first
before spiraling into the Land of ZeroMarks.
Urgh.
After so much studying only to foolishly! throw marks away by stupid careless mistakes (what kind of idiot shades the wrong number for MCQ? what kind of *special* idiot changes the RIGHT answer because her double-check working was wrong? Me) I'll be perfectly satisfied with a D. E, if I really do worse than expected.
Can't really do much can I now?
Just live with it.
Dastardly evilness aside, my friendster account has a poem innit with my name stuck on it. For some reason, it's both amusing and touching - in a strange kind of "I know you" way. Oh and Secret Club Kushido FINALLY updated. It's the artwork that really makes me dig it - clean, bold lines with just enough smooth detail to make me like it. Kinda like Clamp actually, but less on the big-eye thing.
I kinda don't feel like going for art tomorrow.
:x decisions.
Well, see if I can wake up.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:14 a.m.+
Panic!attack
Candyholic sounds like Enirgys Cimredopyh to me.
It sounds like how I feel because I'm panicking like the sound of bass bouncing over senselessly violent lyrics with not so much of a chorus than loud, wailing sounds of soraaa that crack at the end like brokenness.Iie!Iie! Feels like how I'm feeling because ack - it's Econs tomorrow and I'm so freaked I can't believe it.
It's that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that rises to your throat into a chokingly painful bile that feels like a cross between aphixysation and suffocation. You don't know whether it's natural or not, because you've never really felt that way before (maybe once, a long time ago that feels too much like eons to be properly felt) The papliation of heart, the fluttering pits and the nervousness that drives my (already restless) self up the poverberial wall.
I guess I'm too pampered, too spoilt to remember such a feeling (which problably hit me only during my Add Math paper) I mean, for all the hell that is known as CJC - I sail by pretty well. I'm blessed that I don't need to cram to get decent marks and a little effort on my part usually results in a more than proportional return. It's not to say I don't study, but at most I just go for tuition and flip through notes when I'm bored. Which makes me uber-complacent. Which also makes me not used to PANICKING!
The weather is helping though, I can smell the hint of rain from a mile away. It's bound to rain tonight; the coolness that gildes like silkenswift, the familarity of friendly breezes and that clean, musky (cloudy maybe?) scent of rain-heavy air. Apporiately, the night is a lovely darkviolet - ultraviolet because it's so dark it's ultra-ed. Lame'd *waves joke-flag*
I don't even know if I can sleep tonight
To think in darkness is a solitary many-voiced act
Imagine that
tasing acidrtipped madness
of psychedlic colours
scream! shout! yell out!
the brillancy that overcomes all
consuming into the brink of -
monochromatic nothingness
I need to learn how to be less vague, less obscure and more concretized.
fear is of wateredsilk
too hard to capture, to definite to feel
the weight so light it seems indescriably
infinite, in its capacity to
weigh deeply
I wonder how stones taste like when they fall and go "thump"? Sometimes I wish equally that there was someone I could talk things like that to. The prettyness, the fragile, the tensiline, the sheer heavyness of having so much and not enough at the same time.
poetry is best expressed in skin
the tattooing of touch
the engraving of kisses
the imprinting of hugs
against the frail epidermis of thoughts
[skinflint]
I realize part of my problem is I'm a neither here nor there type. I'm not the literati because I spend too much time delving into science, and I'm not sciencific (or coldblooded enough) to be a science student. So what you get is a weird mix of neither/nor writing scientific poetry.
the curse of Empiricalism
flies banners of Physics, Chemistry and Biology
hark! the trumpeting marches sound:
To Objectivity and Beyond!
trampling over old gods and old dreams
the beggars of mythicus -
dying pheonixes that never rise
unicorns bleeding and broken to horses
that
crumble
before the awesome Technocracy
I really want to revise it *sighs* had this great line that went love dissected: dopamine, oxyactine and steronin if I can figure it - I'll add it later. Writing is more like jigsaw puzzles than actual inspiration. You take bits to everything and weld it into whole thus you get - wordsmith. The welder of words. LOL.
God I indulge in way too much wordplay.
Like chess, but more fun.
I really need to sleep but I'm kinda nervous still
Argh.
Today I drew a Mr Newsman with a fishhead wearing a leisuresuit carrying a humongous newspaper roll that looked more like a mallet than newspaper and was wearing a top hat.
I hate school :x
I am NOT looking forward to the start of school
I want to slack around my languidsummer more
I want to sew, and hear clickity-clack of sewing
(plus I want a big tartan hat)
However, since I have somehow signed myself over to it - I resign to do it as peacefully, as peaceably, as quickly and enjoyably as possible. (read: Expect something to happen on Monday)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:06 p.m.+
Confirmed!
Yay! It's confirmed! I'm going to Italy! :D :D :D
I'm leaving on the 3rd December midnight, Saturday.
I couldn't get it on the 29th, 'cos most flights to Europe are on weekends only.
Ahhhh~ *is excited*
I really can't wait!
Flipped through yaoi_daily recently, and realized that most of my fave series didn't update. I'm only keeping track of Secret Club Kushido (stopped at vol. 3), Sliver Diamond (stopped at vol.12) and MADNESS (stopped at vol.12) It's the artwork that really does it for me and if I were to pick the best yaoiplot ever written, it'll be Prince of Monster by Motoni Modoki
Lunched with Dad~ The curry chicken noodles PWNED. It was so spicy I could feel my stomach lining burn into the mass of broiling chilli oil. Spicy doesn't do it justice - more like EXTREME BURN. I could feel it sloshing around my insides (oooh! crumble thy stomach walls!) all the way past lunch. And yes, taxi-rides occasionally make me sick >_>
Watched some TV, hung around LJ to look at Meta's LuckyPacks ie. fukubukuro. I think it's a great idea really, and I think its possible to work in Singapore (just might) After all, my mom always complains that she can never coordinate her outfits, so why not lucky packs? It'll be a great thing to do on special occasions :D Listening Sak? If they can do it, we can do it too! Aahahahahaa...just thought of VS tagline: Be STRONG.....Be ELEGANT....Be SEXY....Be POWERFUL
I really should stop making 'cold' jokes
It doesn't help that most people don't get my jokes
*waves a white flag*
I'm -joking- sometimes kz? LOL. Or is my sense of humor really that bad?
:D
Anyway tomorrow is Chinese paper - I really couldn't give a damn (other than I MUST have an eraser because I always finish early and tend to doodle on the answer sheet)
Kinda happy right now~ Blueberry cheesecake does that to you I suppose ^^ Plus! It's nice to be junked out on crack!fics and sugar~
*cuddles*
I wish the holidays were longer~
But there's still December right? Then there's Christmas too! And Christmas is when people come over and camp out and watch movies and sew and go swimming and bake cakes and eat soumen in the middle of the night straight out of the pan. And then sis will be here and sak will be here and the weather will be cooler and dear goodness ~ I think I'm ranting lol
Thinking of getting tartan pajamas~
Decisions decisions decisions.....
Or would the polka dot one be better?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:20 p.m.+
It feels like cheesecake
My brain feels like cheesecake.
Hell, -I- feel like cheesecake.
*sighs*
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have deep and insightful posts - y'know the type that actually says something instead of talking the actions of the day. Merticulous as I am, I rarely talk about how I actually feel (which may or may not be normal) I guess I just don't like it. thinking can hurt your chances - survival y'know? Comes in small doses.
Don't really feel like sleeping
Maybe I'll go photoshop something
*sighs*
It's like using words to describe feelings
The inarticulate ones that you barely understand
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:27 a.m.+
Impersonation of cleric
I have way too much fun with fics. *side comment*
Anyway, let's get on with the entry.
Lit paper 3 and 5
Paper 3 (closed text) SUCKED. It sucked so badly I don't even wanna talk about it except that if I scrap by with a 28 I'll just die of happiness because I so do not deserve so. The Conrad (which I aimed to score) was so BS-y you could smell the stink of shit a mile away - like the scent of rotten eggs. I swear I was attracting flies. You know how bad that is? Bad bad bad. And then I couldn't spell half the things either ie. aposeiopasis (sp?) - that really killed me. I just touched lightly on skaz too. The only satisfying point I had was Derrida's deconstructive philosophy ie. play of undecidables. However, because I taught it to my "class", I had to beef it up with other contextual stuff which they didn't know. Sucks huh? The Glass Menagerie was thankfully easier, not because I studied harder - but the damned question was just easier (I thank every single merciful God who decided to take pity on this irreligious person today kthxbai). Easier only 'cause the question was something out of Pract Crit ie. "Comment on the effectiveness of ending." Easy kz. Just do the usual techniques, truss'em up the concerns and cross-refer to whatever I happened to remember.
Paper 5 (open text) was thankfully better. First off, I actually studied - thus I was more confident and less jittery. Next was that the notes I had were wonderfully summarized, and I knew exactly what I was writing for the first time ie. I actually did a mini-essay plan! *cheers* I suppose the fact that I'm the only person able to dechiper it makes me gleefully happy too.
Actually I'm pretty satisfied with paper 5. The LDJ question was straight out of lecture notes (aka. just press print) while the Handmaid's Tale one I did my best and covered as many bases as I could: Ecriture writing being my no. 1 plus point. I don't think anyone else (besides alex) wrote it - cause that was the last thing we discussed before the start of paper.
What did I realize during the exam? One is, I problably would stop tutoring people. It's not that I'm naturally selfish, it's just that people just use my points and copy them as though they were lecture notes. This is NOT open information. This is information I thought it up myself. I don't like it either that after a while, people seem to expect it as though I'm some kind of slot machine *snorts* No, flattery does NOT work on me. I do it simply on whim. But hearing Graham, Jared ..etc talk today makes me realize how much I actually dislike it.
I guess to some extent it's resentment - I came up with the points, they employed it and THEN score higher than me. WTF. I don't begrudge people for scoring higher, but I get really pissed off when teachers compliment THEM for originality of thought when the original point was mine. (and fuck, that happened last year too.)
So the conclusion is that I won't be entertaining any midnight calls or last minute crash courses on the symbolism of flies or what-nots because hey! I have to think of my own grades as well. You can think of it as selfish but really - fair play. It just seems unfair that you use my points while you have no thoughts of your own to exchange with me.
Righty-ho.
That totally spoilt my mood.
Went out with Jared, Joceyln and Graham for lunch, then hopped over to Taka to browse Kino with Alicia and Clare. Quite fun, fairly simple kind of nonsense girl-talk I sometimes revel in for the sheer sake of it. As in those kind of meaningless, later-forgotten conversations where the words don't matter as much as the rememberance of the atmosphere. Plus~ I got icecream. How can I not like icecream? Icecream is like........ice-cream.
--------------
I feel vaguely restless again.
Ave! Mortiuri du salutant
It's a usual kind of restlessness thank goodness
the feeling of a belly-coil of snakes
and the flutterings of a pained beat
I don't know how else to describe it.
Sometimes I wish people learnt to talk in italics.
Anyway I feel like participating in the writing competition, but I'm not sure which theme to go for. I'll skim through what the concept of each story is, and you tell me which okay?
1. Library kinky!sex but sex with books. Like mindfuck. Metafiction, ecriture-style with lots of linguistic wordgames.
2. Inspired by sis cooking but instead description of how to cook a person (yay! wa-a-a crunch! *waves umbrella). Besides, I remember someone (I think Pauline Chua) telling me that pork skin is the exact same texture of humnan skin.
3. Summer-story about beautiful people and beautiful things and the violence of beauty - in indifference. I think it'll be hard to pull off if I don't get the feel right - needs to have that OC-meets-Hollywood jinks atmosphere.
kz. Take your pick~!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:41 p.m.+
Summer
Today was a beautiful day which problably marked the last days of summer freedom. You know what summer is? Summer is blue skies with fluffy float around clouds and toes wiggling in sunshine and drunken skin and dozing in front of MTV. Summer is the taste of french toast with powdered sugar (like snow - blizzard wonderland) and orange juice mixed with ramune. Summer is photoshoot and walks and itchy grass and lame funny jokes which only work just so. Summmer is the joy of waking up late and knowing that tomorrow would be just like that - beautiful, languid and warm like a cuddle from someone you love.
:( last days of summertime freedom~
Point being: Tomorrow is my Literature exam! *dies*
Ahhh~ To make everyday as lovely and wonderful as this....that would be as close to heaven I could get.
kz. wish me good luck~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:07 p.m.+
drabbles
For sis. Because you nagged.
:D
---------1#---------
When the days grow warm and humid, and his beautiful tresses hang limply and greasey on his shoulders, Kyle knows that there's only one place to go: The Bath.
There, he would always find Rahal - his willing partner-in-crime. In which they would proceed to moan, whine and grouse about split-ends, frizz and the pains of Keeping Your Hair Lusturous. Sometimes (when no one's listening), they bicker about Whose's Got The Bigger Fanclub?! The consenus being that Rahal's got the Bigger one, but Kyle has the Prettier one, before sinking into companionable silence.
But today Rahal asks if Kyle could untangle his hair - how could he say no? The water is warm and steamed like a drunken fog rolled around his senses, Rahal's hair floats like a dark halo around his pale, pale shoulders and neck. Too inviting - this pale white neck. He thinks of how soft the skin would feel, how much warmer it would be; on his mouth, on his hands, against his own skin.
what the hell
He bends over to kiss.
--------#2---------
Gizel rarely thinks of Stialeeds - if he does, he thinks of the girl-woman whom loved (or so he says) - not the woman before him. Stialeeds knows this of course, she can see it in his mocking, arrogant eyes as if she had fallen in estimation. But she doesn't run. It works to her favour (she knows), to be underestimated is always preferable to being overpowered.
But sometimes, she wonders if she's making the same mistake - loving the boy who held her with adoring eyes when he doesn't exist anymore. It flashes that maybe they're both playing a stupid game which makes too much sense for them to stop because they're both so fucking proud that they can never do anything normal like laugh, kiss and make-up.
But that's okay, she thinks (even though her heart does not), because when the roof comes crashing down - she'll be the person to kill him. Because that's the least she could do for the person she loved.
-----3#---------
When George looks at him - and he does often; he sees Ferid. It's Ferid's voice he hears, it's Ferid's hands that move like that - graceful in battle, gentle in touch. He knows of course, that Ferid is dead but looking at Ryen - he can see the ghost of his best friend smiling reassuringly at him.
So he protects him.
This last memory of his best friend.
His promise.
-------------4#-------
The first time he killed someone he didn't cry.
The thought of everything - his mother, his sister, his father - but he didn't cry. He was strong wasn't he? He had to be. Everyone was depending on him - the beavers, the drawves.
But the day before the last battle with blood still wet on his armour from war battles and silver hair caked with dirt and mud Kyle's warm open arms waiting to hold and comfort him - he finally did.
----------5#-----------
Riku thinks it's illegal for anyone to be as navie as Sora.
Illegal; he thinks, as he watched Sora lick his icecream. The way the pink tongue swirled against the salty-sweet surface, his eyes as blue as seasalt, his lips wet and slick and sticky from the melting sweet -
"Do you want some?" Sora's eyes are as wide and innocent as ever.
"Ice-cream? No thanks."
But when Sora pulls him down for a sticky sweet messy kiss with the bumbling of teenage hormones - he thinks, perhaps Sora wasn't so navie after all.
------------------6#-----
If there's anything Tatsumi hates - it's mess. He doesn't like how out of control it feels, how alien it is to his sterility and how it just looks so...so....messy
So when Watari comes bouncing into his office with manical glee and potions and spills and smiles that seem to shout: "LOOK! I INVENTED A SOMETHING!" He cringes.
That is, until he drags Tatsumi from under the table which he was hiding from to test out the new strawberry lubricent he was busy inventing.
------------------------
Kz, I'm being kicked out now.
Funnily enough, 3/4 of it was inspired by real things ahahaha
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:13 p.m.+
addicted
I'm addicted to Nancy Sinatra's Bang Bang (My baby shot me down) which apparently was in KillBill OST, but I first heard it on Victoria's Secret 2005.
And yes, Heidi Klum is hawt.
I can't believe she had two children!
She looks better than I do! lol
I like the remix more though. But whatever it is - VS really has great music. Their SugarPlum Fairy remix for Tchaikosky is equally great - the only song I didn't like was the Ricky Martin one.
The King and Clown is great - surprisingly touching in the end, and beautiful in the kind of Korean aesthetic ie. clear scenery, dramatic plot and lots of beautifully dying people. Like Slyvia Plath, dying is nearly an artform there. But however pretty Gong-gil is, the other guy is just funnier. He's just too much of a Damsel(or rather damale) In Distress to like.
Although, the puppet scene was cry-worthy.
Got all my count cain. YAY FINALLY! *kisses*
My craving for neo-gothicism and twisty plots is satisfied :D
Pretty good day
Did some studying for LDJ
Tomorrow there's Econs so....
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:15 a.m.+
Tagged by audy (and sick of studying)
*trawls through LDJ and Glass Menargerie* Am gonna kill something soon. Ugh. Why must the first exam be Lit?! I'm going to end up disappointing everyone again! *dies*
Forget it.
*sighs*
Shikata nai.
---------
Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 weird facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose 5 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.
1. I have a habit of picking up other people's habits. Like watching Oprah Winfrey (courtesy of sis), or dressing EGL (contributed by sak).
2. I need to sleep between things ie. 2 pillows or 2 blankets or 2 people if not I don't feel safe.
3. People organize their bookshelves by authors/genre, I organize mine by how frequently I read that book.
4. I need to twirl/pull/twist/tugg my hair. If I'm not figeting, it means I'm off daydreaming.
5. I don't like touching the floor. I usually sit with my legs on the table/chair/avalible surface.
6. I get into sudden "stones" - like infront of people. And my sis always tries to snap me out of it lol~
+tsu waited for you at 02:16 p.m.+
Exams?
seems like it's been forever...
I wish holidays never ended *sighs deeply*
It's scary to realize that my first exam (6 hrs long!) is on the 26th June which happens to be a Saturday. Urgh. Why do people put exams on Saturdays?! It's just wrong.
I'm getting kinda scared now. Revise, revise, revise! Just flipping through marcoeconomics seems so....terrible. I don't hate it - but I'm bored by it. After a while, it seems like something you already know even though you might not know. It's hard to test out what you know and what you don't.
My craving for Godchild hasn't stopped
Must. Get. Book. 10 + 12
I ransacked my entire library for it
And it really seems like I didn't buy it
damn.
I'm really panicky over it
It's worse than O levels, because at least, hey! It's not the end of your life if you do badly. You can always go poly or ITE or Shatec - or you can even repeat it. But A levels? You can't repeat it. There's no where to go (except maybe Aust or US - even then, it's a maybe). You're just in the middle of nowhere.
As in the "no" of where.
Anyway, going for art tomorrow then going to look for CountCain (must find j00!somewhere!) and MAYBE going to watch The King and the Clown because He Looks Like Rahal! *squee* (Suikoden V) So yeah. Rahal! lol. If he looked like Richard and did the whole Mueller-did-you-see-that?<3~ I would just die laughing. Or laugh till I die. Or possibly drool with joy~
ahahahahaha
Ummm...yeah. *sighs* Should go back to revision (yes! convince me that C+I+G+X-M is REALLY IMPORTANT to my future!:D) I don't even want to think about what I haven't started. Urgh.
At least CCA stuff is all nice and cleared up. Yay.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:29 a.m.+
PandanMilk
Listening to: My Sis's 9pm chinese soapopera
Pandan milk tastes really good (surprise surprise) It's green, and smells like fragrant kaya and tastes mildly sweet ^^ Me likes!
Posting photos in EGL_comm can be considered zomg!egoboost because that's what it is. Ahahaha~ if you're ever down, post pics! And then it's just feel good*giggles*
Went out with sis today after dropping to CJC. Mediya supermarket <3! Had curry udon, then redbean gelato (which tastes better than it sounds) and wandered around looking at Engrish and Very Expensive AirFlown Produce. Like $112.48 cherries :x honestly it sounds like they flown first-class, not baggage compartment.
Bought all sorts of nice stuff: Monokuruboo biscuits (cos my sis wanted the keychain), lemon cookies (cos i thought they were vanilla), pink!soba (because tthey're plum flavoured and pink) and pickles (because I want to make egg sandwhiches for audy :D)
And ramune tastes cool lol~
So....tactics-ish xD
feel like kantarou!:D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:11 p.m.+
Thank you for all Saturdays.
I couldn't sleep, thus back online to blog.
You ever get the feeling to before-getting-married?
The kind of jittery-excited-butterflies sensation?
Yep, that's how I felt on Friday.
Really didn't want to seem so n00b at phototaking (which I am actually) so I told myself to sleep early so that I'll be punctual and all. Was all jittery the next morning, couldn't decide to wear it with or without the shirt (which ended up making my sis exasperated to hell, "just wear the shirt!" *zips*) Then I couldn't tie my hair properly (first) and my ribbon was untidy (yet another first), and then I almost couldn't find my socks :x
Anyway made it on time, in one piece.
Went to Far East to buy Count Cain cos I was missing the Castrato Arc which happened to be my favourite. Unfortunately out-of-stock, so we walked around and started taking photos. Marvel at the EVIL BAK KUA! *dumdumdeedum* Audy looks like evil chao da bak kua :D and sak is a strawberry cupcake~ <3 Then suddenly my camera jammed, so I called up my unhelpful brother and in the end, I just walked into the first camera shop to see what was wrong with it. Finally the salesman just told us it was just short of power, so we bought batteries and no problem later.
Took lots and lots and lots of pictures.
To be exact, 219 in total ^^v
Had lunch at Mos Burger, milk tea is nice when you're frying in heat~ Was so hot that I changed out of the blouse and added the cross ties (which kept on falling off urk.) It also made the dress less lumpy (thank goodness). You see, because of the layers of blouse + petticoat, it made the dress "lump" over the middle, which didn't look very nice. Plus it was much much cooler and windy-er with short sleeves than long.
Took a bus down to Minden Road/Tomilison Road, and took -more- photos. If you don't know - grass is itchy. Confirmation again, grass is very itchy. I don't know how people roll around fields but - I'm not going to do it. It itches like no tomorrow >_< Thankfully I remembered to bring coolent spray, which took off the urge to stratch a bit.
---------
I had a really great day.
I'm so happy I can't sleep without writing it down.
It's like.....I'm usually so scared of photographs/being taken of because I never feel pretty or confident or secure that I look normal and not zomg!fat&fugly. And it's suddenly I feel as though y'know - it's not so hard to smile after all.
Growing up gawky and unphotogenic tends to do this to you methinks :x Doesn't help that you're basically uhh.. round shaped in Skinny Singapore.
And I'm really happy.
I had a great day with lovely company
Just laughing at stupid jokes and taking kooky pictures
Those kind of fashion photos I always wanted to take, but never got a chance to.
It's like that transforming moment where you feel that you've suddenly gained a face, not just an identity. A flesh that you might actually want.
So strange right?
I'll problably never be into the whole zi pai (self-taking) thing, but at least I'll stop running whenever people want to take classphotos, friendphotos, neoprints, family pictures, birthday pictures.....etc.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:02 a.m.+
Random Annoyed Insert
You know, by episode 9 I don't want to cry or anything (sorry audy, I think you owe me icecream) but DAMNED HIMEKO STOP FRICKKIN' CRYING AND DO SOMETHING! *slapped her straight into reality*
Like stop whining please
Before my ears cringe and I murder you myself.
Argh argh argh
If I can get over it (and people say -I'm- whiny and clingy)
So can you.
+tsu waited for you at 03:21 a.m.+
Kannazuki/Kannaduki break
Listening to: Kannazuki/duki ED
Whoever said that this show is a cliche
Well, TOO RIGHT
Yaoi and Yuri aside (zomg tsubasa x adopted bro is HAWT mansex!), after a while I feel alternately frustrated and annoyed. Why? The constant Damsel-ing of Himeko ie. all her seiyuu needs to say is "Chikane-chan!" or "Oogami-kun!" while getting punched, knocked etc. After a while, it stops being cute and dissolves into HURRY UP GROW A BACKBONE!
The next problem is the lack of names. For an anime with 13 episodes, by Episode 5 I still don't know the name of Adopted Bro and Adopted Bro's (hawt) manservant. You know how sad this is? And I've resorted to calling the villians by their nicknames ie. Popstar, MangaFreak, ColdBitch, NyuNyu. See how pathetic is sounds when I give them nicknames?!? For gods' sake just give them a name! I don't really care if it's something as generic as Ayumi or Kamui. NAME. Very Important Thing y'know?
Btw, the Himeko-hair thing just confuses me. It's like huh? She's scared of a hairdresser?! kind of reaction. While I wholeheartedly understand why you don't want to cut your hair (look at me!) - turning it into a fullblown neurotic-disorder that prevents you from having hawt yuri!sex with Chikane is just..... a bit much don't you think?
On the other hand, I really like the techno/retro OP/ED. The whistle-thing during the Op just makes me think of wiggling Chocobo whistles which just great! I mean, chocobo whistles! :D And the fact that I think Tsubasa x Souma is really hot. Ack. The guys are so underrated here. I really like Tsubasa a lot. First he's psychotic, next he has cool red eyes and finally he's got long hair! :D :D :D
Like the whole Epi5part1 when he's slicing off Souma's shirt (to see his sexy abs of course) There's a whole lot of potential here kz?
Oh okay, Adopted Bro finally has a name!
Kazuki!
But I have to say, Episode 5 is a distinct improvement. Why? Because Tsubasa ROCKS. I swear. The only thing that could problably make me cry is if Tsubasa dies.
(which 9/10, would happen)
You know what I bet on? Here's what I think:
-Chikane will turn evil
-Tsubasa dies
-Souma angst
-Himeko does some supersacrifice thingy which results in EVERYONE trying to save her
-And of course, the usual whinage, angsty!pasts (cos all anime charas are orphans y'know) and massive mecha fights. w00t!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:06 a.m.+
Quiz-time
Listening to: Lunatic laughter of Channel8 villian
Y'know. I should really do the quiz.
Gacked from sis, sak...ummm whoever who's tagging "Everyone."
Three Names You Go By:
tsu, tsubaki and "oi!" ahahaha
Three Parts Of Your Heritage:
Chinese, Cantonese and a lil' Alien :D
Three Things That Scare You:
Badly-dressed fugly people
Horror movies + dark!creepydark
Being alone all the time
Three Of Your Everyday Essentials:
Entertainment, Amusement and Sleep.
Three Things You're Wearing Now:
Shirt, shorts....hmmnn...I'm not wearing 3 things. Oh! Hairtie! :D
Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists at the moment:
Placebo
Bloc Party
-insert random artists-
Three of Your Favorite Songs at the moment:
Placebo - English Summer Rain
Bloc Party - This Modern Love
xXxholic - Sanagi
Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than love):
Faithfulness, kinkiness and of course, lots and lots of amusement.
Two Truths and a Lie:
I think Batman is Hot.
I think Superman is Hot.
I think Spiderman is Hot.
Three Physical Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You:
Smile, eyes, voice. (and whether they look like Seishirou or not :x)
Three of Your Favourite Hobbies:
sleeping, reading trashy magazines and shopping.
Three Things You want really badly right now:
I really want to eat steak <--- 3 day craving :x Uh. EGLsites to update and someone to walk me out of Twilight Forest.
Three Places You Want to go on Vacation:
Bahamus (because, I can dream)
Japan E-G-L!$$$$
France (Pot? Abstinhe? Rimbaud? *jumps into bandwagon*)
Three things you want to do before you die:
Have sex. (liek duh)
Be a fashion designer (because I pwn j00 and j00 wear me clothz!)
Buy Armani Black Silk Pajamas :D (cause I think Seishirou -might!- wear'em)
-----------
PS. I went swimming today!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:44 p.m.+
Taste like
because it tastes like aluminium that's why
it's all in the mind and mouth I swear
I really want to participate in the editorial competition. All the words I come up with : technocracy, empiricalism, chimerically But I can't - argh the perils of being the organizer. *sighs*
Art today - I think my watercolour has improved a little. It took 3 agonizing hours to get all the details (and the lack of it) just right though. I admit it, I'm lousy at drawing. I don't have the patience/observationskill to sit down and do a detailed drawing like the way Gerard, Alvin and Alphonese do. The only good bit is that I can paint with a certain level of decency.
You know, today I was just thinking about what someone said to me:
"it's just like all my friends are good at what I want to be good at"
It's rather shocking that someone is jealous of me
Considering I envy other people for the same thing as well.
It took a while, but now I freely admit it: I'm envious of those better than me, and sometimes resentful. And maybe I don't know how to express this properly; but it's inadequacy that drives me more than anything else. The keeping with the Jonses y'know? I'm surrounded by such smart, brilliant and good looking people that sometimes I feel that if I don't work extra hard, I'll just fall behind. It's hard not to. My sis is brilliant in most of everything; studies or atheletics (wah! 2.4 run so damned fast), audy is pretty and she's really good at detailed drawing, graham is good at Lit and he's got a sucessful relationship and alex.....let's just say genius doesn't even come close. But they're all nice people - it does make it slightly harder.
And when someone else tells me they feel the same way about me, I guess I just can't help but sympathize.
Yes I know the feeling sucks. Guilt, resentment and bitterness and undeniable admiration. UGH.
I guess that's why she keeps talking about Gabriel around me. It's not unnatural to want to find weakness. (to some extent I find it rather amusing but oh well, shikata nai) It's understandable why she feels that way, but I don't know how to help her.
I -want- to.
Because I've been there, and it sucks.
On another level I find it incomprehensible, ie. People?! jealous of me?! liek WOAH!oneoneone111 It's difficult to acknowledge it because well - inadequacy persists. Sometimes I think I drive myself so hard is not so much to prove to myself, but to catch up with the others. That even if it kills me, I *have to* work so hard, I *have to* practice, I *have to* suceed. Like Spaper Lit - one level I truly enjoy it, another level is to keep with with my bloody RJC cousin.
To some extent it's a relief to be in JC sometimes - because if I ended up in poly, most likely it'll be in the same module as audy and I'll never stop comparing myself to her (bad) and I'll never be able to totally seperate myself either (ambigious).
At least now we're somewhat in the same area, but different ends. She does her design, and I stick to fine arts. And that's that. (thank god really)
I'm not saying that I hate her or resentful - but I hated myself for feeling like that (being nice does NOT help), I hated myself for constantly comparing, and at the same time, I hated myself for not being more noble about it.
And the thing is
it hurts a lot less now if she suddenly changes
There was a time where I really couldn't have lived without her, but now I'm pretty sure I can. One is that since the person I once met doesn't exist anymore, I've accepted it with a come-what-may attitude. The next is of course that since she's happy with her own clique and various relationships, I don't really want to interfere.
It's not that I like being alone
I still don't like going shopping alone or watching movies alone
But since she's changed, we've just settled more or less around "best friends" (which is okay, I don't mind the least)
Thing is, I can't really blame her for changing either.
I have too, in my own way.
(curse ye! reactionary)
I'm more my own person now, more comfortable in my skin. To a large extent I think I've mellowed down - I'm not so passionate, more analytical. There's less drama, less intensity and more status quo - which is a definite nice change from everything. I don't love so desperately anymore. Not that I don't love people, but there's no driving need to be with another so much. I think my tendency towards escapism is like woah!HIGH though, or at least it went up by a notch. And I've settled down.
Funny huh?
Sounds like I just jumped mid-life crisis
*giggles*
I guess the realbreaker for me came when [-]. I just thought - what is the most important to me in this life? That's just it. If I were to die the very next day, which I would be more regretful about.
So it hurt like hell.
But then, everyone learns to learn.
Pain is a very good teacher I think.
Anyway:
Happy Birthday blog!
It's been a great 4 years in pitas and knowing you~ And if some of the entries make me want to run in shame and hide under ruffled bedsheets -----well, shikata nai right? :D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:23 p.m.+
Gah gah gaaaaaaaaaahhh!
Listening to: mental rewinings of Childerich
Woke up in nice pajamas, hid while people cleaned the aircon then went off for tuition.
What so interesting about today?
I wore pants
You know, it's funny how often people associate me with skirts and dresses to the point that I can't even wear a pair of pants without people thinking there's something wrong with me. Gloria's statement really took the cake today, I think you're hiding something. *looks pointedly at tsu wearing pants* *giggles* I find it quite funny.
Irony being that most people unfamilar with me would find it more comfortable if I dressed normally (ie. Tshirt + coudrouy jeans) rather than seeing a frilly cupcake. BUT! If they're my friends/people I know, they feel distinctly uncomfortable if I'm not frilled/ruffled/beribboned in any way.
Wonder what'll happen if I suddenly decided not to wear tartan?
Possible mental illness perhaps?
*giggles*
Anyway Econs was really something. My brain hurts when I think back - ergh allocative/productive efficency. Productive isn't too bad (LRAC = toliet diagram) but allocative *dies* It's understandable, but it is rather dry. Dry as in after a while it just simply becomes repitition, not as in content. I don't really mind challenging content, it's the sitting through it that makes me twitchy.
Point being: why can't they just summarize it?
ie. Pareto efficency = allocative efficency = greatest benefit + lowest cost to everyone
ta da! :D
Or maybe I'm just being unfair :x Cannot assume that other people learn at the same speed I do. Like in some stuff I'm faster to catch, in other things I'm really horrible at (MATH! *horror*) Yeah well, it was taxing. But really fun~ Kept awake by doodling and KitKats. Go Kitkats! ahaha and played a kitkat trick on brendan XD
I swear we should never sit next to each other because we inspire new levels of lame-ness in each other.
Went home, had dinner and suiko-discussion. Suiko-discussion with sis is like learning history. Remembering the who's who of Toran, Tinto + GodKnowsWhere requires amazing retentive memory and ability (SS class) to remember politics.
For instance, if my sis was an SOD, she would:
Aya
ATK = B
Agility = B
Magic = A
ACC = B
MDF = S
PDF = A
Support ability: tatician
'Cause my sis favours a high defense game and she's not so into "blitzkrieg" tactics. Wheras my group is BAM!BAM!byebye!-kind. Ahahaha~ DAMAGE.
*huggles richard*
Okay so your mdf suxxors, but I still think you're adorable! :D
Anyway back to levelling up
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:53 p.m.+
don't wanna
Listening to: Enjeru Eggu + Sanagi
I'm not listening to reason
I'm not caring about pragmatism
just dance with your hands wide open
and drink the liquid sunshine
Feeling summery today~ The sunlight was so pretty - my favourite kind and I actually did some studying. Like woah. It's not that I really sit down and revise, my way of studying is to teach other people and to cut the long story short - even though I was supposed to tutor Jared only, I ended up tutoring Alex (not Alex Neo), Clare and Graham as well. Ahahaha~ they said that if they did well they'll contribute to my Pajamas Fund :D
Well, whatever it is at least I managed to cover Heart Of Darkness yay~
Went to Bras Basah with Clare to buy brushes and paints cos they have a 20% off for Daler-Rowney paints. (DR=LOVE!<3) Anyway it was quite okay. (oh my god I just remembered I left my pink teddybear cookies in my school bag and auntie is sleeping already hoooow???!) Ate pink teddybear cookies, I think the butter tastes better than chocolate but it's just my opinion~ They had no Meji Pandan Milk though~ horrors! Meji Pandan Milk is nice~ Meji Pandan Milk tastes like kaya-flavoured milk and it's slightly sweet, and not too sweet and it's the PERFECT! green colour.
Went home and crashed. I didn't realize how drained I was teaching 3 episodes of HOD in such a short time. Urgh. Watched only the first part of the dance-thing before napping. And I absolutely adore my pajamas~ It's so wonderful! It has sailor teddy! <3<3<3~ Almost feel like posting a pic of my pajamas just for fun lol
-------
I can't wait for Saturday~
:x
So strange right?
But I really do want to dress up, look pretty (for a change) and feel pretty. I rarely ever think about it, maybe that's why it's so important to me - this Saturday.
Funny how a photoshoot can just send me into quibbles~
lol, the "intellectuals" in school will problably disdain me for my friviolity ahahahah~ Imagine: how disgracefully pleblain tsu! To descend into the pitiful existance of unilluminated superficiality! Where is the enlightment of intellect and consciousness?
I was just thinking about self-esteem
I think I really have none.
But is it really so bad not to have self-esteem?
let's play a game of logic
self-esteem = self-respect right? To respect is to dignify, and to dignify means to have dignity. But by having dignity, the possibility of shame exists. Therefore, by default, to have self-esteem is to give yourself the possibility of shame/guilt.
Most argue that shame is needed to reinforce norms and societial consciousness, but think of other scenerios. If you had to beg or go down on your knees to save a child's life, you would feel shame afterwards even if you did the right thing. Therefore, there are times that shame/guilt doesn't serve any purpose except to make a person feel humilation.
If a wife was being abused by her husband and she refused to divorce because of shame (cannot endure slur on family name blah blah) then that's when we realize that self-esteem is a pretty stupid concept. Most of the time - people don't realize that the danger of having self-esteem is the creation and perpetuation of an image. And the scary part is that there are some people who will go all out to preserve that image even at the cost of themselves.
Honestly there's nothing wrong with not having self-esteem. Overrated. The inability to feel shame (look at me! I'm pretty shameless lol) not only gives you other avenues to achieve what you want, it also helps you accept what seems to be unconventional to others. (no dignity = no need to preserve decorum)
It's like this:
You can't break anything that bends over ass up.
:D
And who gave me this absolutely fabulous insight?
Suikoden
(countless yuberxalbert fics + Oboro's scene)
Ahahahaha....things you learn from PS2
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:51 p.m.+
Thought
it hurts a lot less now.
My toes are cold.
It's been so cold lately and while everyone is either in jackets or long sleeve shirts - I've so far resisted with my thin cotton shirt and shorts (no underwear!:D). I refuse to give in to the weather yet, it's supposed to be summer and if I have to freeze - so be it. *stubbornly refuses* I freeze, but for a Good Cause.
I'm just thinking about Singapore.
I've lived here for eighteen years...eighteen years! That's a long time you know? About a 1/3 a lifespan. And yet I know deep down that I'll leave this place. I have friends of course - people that I'll miss, places that I'll remember, food I'll have cravings for in the middle of the night and yet - I can't live here.
No one owes Singapore a living
Singapore owes no one either.
The problem I have here is not anything as noble as free speech, not anything as glorious as racial tolerance but something more simple. What do I need? (physical needs nonetheless) I have no clue. But I can tell you what I don't need. I don't need cynicism, I don't need apathy and I absolutely do NOT need perpetually bored people.
And unfortunately, Singapore (with its own unique cultural brainwashing) has managed to create all three.
Some people can live with it though, some people don't even realize it exists, some people don't care if it exists and some people use it as a form of existance. But what kind of existance is this? Utilitarian? Pragmatic? Errorenously mathematical? Man Does Not Live On Numbers Alone should this years' resolution. I swear - everywhere I go I see at least a sense of calculation or if not, sheer obtuseness.
It's as though being washed with "education" has left us unobservant to what is fatally wrong with society; we delude ourselves that since we're multicultural and not fighting it's harmony; we delude ourselves that since everyone votes, we're politically active (and the fact that voting is complusory has nothing to do with it! *snorts*), my favourite being that since we build so many tall buildings and have high GDP/capita - we're happy! And culturally rich! And *insert all spastically utopian ideals you can think of!*
If so, is it really so wrong to quit?
I don't exactly understand the arguement of "stayers" and "quitters". What so bad about being a quitter? To quote Lucretia Merces, it's merely "defense-in-depth." I don't want to be bankrupt, live in self-censorship, get fined/jailed/whatever for oral sex, be derided for pursuing humanities when there are places better to be. Some may argue that you'll reduce your life to a second class citizen - but think about it - isn't it better to be a secondclass citizen and EXPECT to be one rather than to be a secondclass citizen in your very "home"?
Becuase that's what being marginalized means
To be second class
It's natural for human beings to want the best - and if quitting is a way to achieve the best, so be it. It doesn't help that I more or less disagree with the reasons the government keeps giving anyway. Take the first one: It's ingratitude to your country. The funny thing is that this is only true if the country was valuable in the development of me when it was my mother who birthed me, my mother who decided that Singapore was The Right Place to birth me and who also decided to raise me. And since she paid her bills - it should be her that I'm grateful to and not the country right?
Not to mention with the influx of globalism and increasing acculturalization of everyone else - who's to say who are you? Identity is rather fluid in the end, it changes with culture, evolution and personality. The only thing that remains is character - but that is determined by individual choice and not by state.
So if I really wanted to be grateful to every single country who has contributed to my development I should be thanking Japan for anime and jrock, France for providing me with books and Ireland for Samuel Beckett.
And as usual, the rest of the reasonings involved guilt and other equally inane things.
But I guess I can't blame them for trying :x
The truth is the only thing that'll make me stay is change. Yes I realize that change must be done gradually, but there comes to a point that we're just dithering idiots stagnating in our our muck of complacency. I don't want empty, fluffy promises or woolly surveys or loudspeeches - I want actual change and I want it now. My policy of NOT reading newspapers have actually made me more politically aware because I'm so unused to the rubbish that I can recognize it for what it is. Like racism (yes! Singapore is racist!) or social disparities (yes! doublethinking is real!). It's frightening that most of my peers don't notice anything strange at all, since they're so used to it already.
And how d'you tell if there's actual change?
Very simple. If they ditch the law, it means change
If they didn't - well, it's just literary BS.
See? Politics in Singapore isn't so hard.
Just don't believe in anything.
And unfortunately, this culture of not-believing leads to outstanding cynicism. Now if there's anything I value highly; I value curiousity. Cynicism, however "cool" or "emo" it is, is not something I want to acquire. I've already gotten my fair share of being bitter and hardened - cynicism and jadedness is NOT anything I want. So! To save whatever fascination I have in the world, I'll leave.
After all, it's easier to be preserve whatever optimism I have rather than to be a cynic and realize that the sun does shine at the same time.
It's like when I was younger I swore never to touch politics even with a two-foot rod. For the reason why I never want politics is the exact reason why I'm going to leave this godforsaken country.
And in their deritus - don't blame me
After all, PAP pride is their hubris
life is easy -- with directions
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:16 a.m.+
swappy happy pajamas
Listening to: Flipper's Guitar
Yesterday
Didn't go for the education seminar (what for?) because it was raining and I like to sleep; and it was just too bloody early for me. (8.45am is pure torture). However! Went out shopping with mom for the Great SG Sale~ (zomg spendspendspend!!!oneoneone)
Started at Isetan, mom bought 2 blouses from Lisvie, then walked to Taka to get The Gucci Bag. I'm kinda happy shopping for her, because she always takes my suggestions seriously, and also 'cause it's really fun. Anyway it's the pink x offwhite shoulder bag - very spring/summer look but looks great against autumn colours too because it's more of a warm pink than an ice one. It was fun though! Because it was the last bag, so mom called up Paragon to check if they had stock - and they had and when we went over there was this hugumous queue to get in. But since we already reserved from Taka-store, we could cut. woot~
I think shopping is sometimes like an adventure; where agility, observational skills and quick mental calculation is needed.
LOL
After buying all of mom's stuff - we went to look for mine. I bought 2 pairs of high socks (cream and burgendy) - and mom was like : "Do you have black yet? Black is very classy." Ahahahaha~ I think my mother has gotten used to my Love for High Socks lol. And because she had 100+ worth of Taka vouchers, she let me buy pajamas!<3<3<3
It's this blue-check sailor teddybear pajamas with flat pearl sheen buttons and a scalloped collar and blue ribboning around it. LOVE! I wanted the sailor stripes one, but they were sold out. They had this pink tartan one with an angel emboridered on it, but I like sailors more than angels (plus it's blue!) so I got the pajamas instead. And it's really comfortable too - I don't know what kind of cotton they used, but it feels soft and almost silky.
*love!*
By 8pm I was already in my new pajamas and slacking with pistachio, my teddybear and my blanket on the sofa playing Suikoden V
*blissed out*
If there was a second of illuminating paradiase - this is it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:49 p.m.+
Vincent Price
Notice to all:
I have this AWESOME short film by Tim Burton called "Vincent" and would like to share, if you want it please email me okay?
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:36 a.m.+
wandering through labyrinth
Listening to: SuikoV OST
These past few nights are problably one of the rockiest I've had. Oboe is the sound of a hollow flute - the emptiness of echoes - echoes without beginnings. I think it's rather pretty, the sound of the oboe. Low, whispering and hollow - it sounds like how a void should sound like.
Anyway I finally slept by 6am.
Yay to me then?
It's one of those days you realize that a simple thoughtless thing that you did - so inconsequential to you, can mean so much to another person. *amazed* I've never really had anyone actually be grateful to me before - so unexpected. I do things without thinking most of the time, and such....such praise feels so undeserving I guess. I don't think I'm as nice as they say, but I do appreciate it. Thank you for the kind words.....I feel so - I don't know - thankful? that you liked it so much.
do I know what I'm doing?
Nope. No fucking clue.
Talking to Vanessa is funny. In a way it's like the old times, but at the same time it's a stranger sitting opposite me. Sometimes I see flashes of the best friend I once had before she left for US (6 years' woah!) and then I see the accent, the dyed hair and the boredom (that seems to plague every USAian) and it's someone else. It's as though I'm as much a person I don't know as she is a person that I don't know yet we know. Split time differences? LOL.
Still wondering if I should go for tomorrow's talk. I didn't get a reply, which makes me wonder if I should attend. It seems so pointless - to talk about things that will never change. Not to mention I'm totally unprepared - and not very stable at the moment.
-----------------------
I miss you.
I miss you terribly.
It's so painful not to have you around anymore
each night seems more lonely than the last
your icy comfort
and cold hands
and terrible bloodied self
but how can I miss someone that doesn't even exist?
because you can. you can.
*sighs*
yurameki deshou na~
give me someone else if you took her away from me
give me that person in green
or you could always send me to windy hills
I'll be happy and contented
sylvia will be there - I like her
or you could send me to the blue tiled island
or let me into the rubber ship again
Rakan, Loorak.....kin'obeath
sei'ver'yursloor
watch the moon.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:29 a.m.+
powdersoap shampoo
Listening to: Special K + Tokyo Babylon OST
the violence is in our indifference
I'll write it one day, I swear (once I get down, find the right track and feel dreamy - whoo~) Feeling twitchy - not restless, twitchy. As though my skin was on fire, and waiting for something to happen. That choked sensation that's almost painful, like a combination of intense curiousity and anticipation.
It's funny, but apparently the CJC-stalker just wants a friend. I don't know why though. I have no idea who he is (or so I say). He's okay - but has this skewed perception of me as an intellectual. *gag* Please. Me? Intellectual? You have to be kidding. LOL. But it's entertaining, so I won't block him. (yet)
Dinner today was one level distrubing, another level comforting. Met Vanessa....it's so strange to think that the last time I saw her I was 10 and she was leaving. Seeing her now, we're like strangers. How could we have been best friends? Then as we eased through the discomforting slience , we started talking about philosophy and schoolwork and BAM! It was as though we were back in P5.
Makes me wish that she stayed.
But of course, you can't have everything right?
Anyway it was nice - in a weird twisty feeling way.
-----------------
for all the seasons that passed your eyes
amber to hazel to midnight gold
did you love me? i ask, hand on the table
and that terrible mysterious smile.
-why?-
I don't know how to explain it sometimes - that feeling. This inexplicable feeling of desire - of...want, for something that I can't even name, let alone understand. As though I'm searching so desperately for it, this something.
want//desire//yearning that feeds on dirge//fevered dreamskin//gravity that drowns//velvetsteelove//bells//smoothacidvoice//calling
Every sensation is hyperamplified
That's how it feels.
Argh.
I problably just need sleep.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:43 a.m.+
oldskool (cracktastic!) pleasures
For all your oldskool, guilty pleasure needs.:D
Akazukin ED 2: akazukin no omakase!
akazukin chacha ED 3: MAGIC! MAGICAL BABY!
Wish OP/ED: Wish + Enjeru no Eggu (Angel's Egg)
I swear this is a MUST WATCH. Just for the ending. Watch the cats get swamped by FAT CHICKEE BIRDS. I swear. ahahaha
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:38 a.m.+
Insert
I know it sounds really pathetic but....
...I really want a my school to have a fishball with wings as a mascot (ZOMG! CLAMP Campus! :D)
+tsu waited for you at 12:50 a.m.+
die happy and mean it [ze fangirl entry]
Listening to: Now and Then by Blackmores Night
ROLL CALL: Anyone who has a copy of Now and Then and is willing to send me shall earn my eternal gradtitude kthnxbai!:D
I'm addicted to YouTube for all the wrong reasons. Basically it goes: ZOMG ZOMG THEY HAVE TOKYO BABYLON EPISODES THERE! SEISHIROU-SAAAAAAAN!<3<3<3! and ZOMGAHHHH!SO SEXY AHHHH! SUBARU ANGST! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I feel so emo now ;_; You know how much I adore Tokyo Babylon? I love it like a second skin, that choking, heartbursting sensation of an overfull heart. I love it enough to wander through Ueno Park the entire day, eating sakura flavoured icecream trying to recreate what never existed, I love it enough to play "Spot-Seishirou-Lookalikes!"
It was there for me when I had no friends and no family, it helped me become a good writer and meet other ficwriters. It was perfect on those days where things seem so bleak, so broken and sitting in the sofa in the middle of the night with MTV turned low and milktea- reading it was as comforting as the chicken soup for any soul. It was there before anyone - kakyounin, audy or whoever.It's like love love.
Okay I'm just a really obsessed fangirl lol
You know, it's really hard to explain to someone why you like Seishirou so much. Extract from MSN convo (trying to convert Graham into a Seishirou-fanboy)
difficulty in Explaining Seishirou's Job
-crazy japs. says:
i'm sorry what does he do with this tree?
-crazy japs. says:
dispose of corpses that way?
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
nah he can use the spirit energy from the person
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
the tree is like a storage house
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
that's why he's called the sakurazukamori
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
"cherry blossom grave guardian"
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
closest i can think of
graham james christian lim xiang loong -crazy japs. says:
storage house for waht?
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
the dead people's spirit power
-crazy japs. says:
what does he do with that spirit power
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
kills other people with it
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
he's an assassin lol
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
<3~ don't you think he looks cool???/
-crazy japs. says:
hahahaha
-crazy japs. says:
yeah he's pretty cool
-crazy japs. says:
so no guns?
-crazy japs. says:
just this spirit power thing?
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
nah
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
so uncool
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
trenchcoat + shikigami is cooler
-crazy japs. says:
what's a shikigami??
-crazy japs. says:
a sword?
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
it's like a manefestation of your spirit
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
his is an eagle
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
like a supercool killer eagle
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
which looks really cool
-crazy japs. says:
right so he kills his targets with eagles
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
and sakura
-crazy japs. says:
what's sakura/
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
cherry blossoms
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
they're like umm
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
zillions of mini-knives
tsu~____[die happy and mean it] says:
so they shred you and suffocate you and drink up your blood yay
-crazy japs. says:
hahahahhaa
-crazy japs. says:
awesome
------------
*cheers* And soon Graham will turn into a Seishirou-fanboy and we can fan over Seishirou all day! *worships* God I'm so terrible aren't I? Inflicting such torment on to other people.
love
tsu-fangirl~<3!
+tsu waited for you at 11:41 p.m.+
Invisible converstion with my sis
What what what?!?!?
I talk in my sleep?
Really loudly?
ZOMG.
Like funny weird words that don't make any sense
Pronounce words I never knew existed
What what what maybe it's just another language.
Sleep TALK LANGUAGE!
yeah right.
But like how can?
Yuber x Albert Love
Can you tape record it?
why?
I want to hear.
I want to know what I say.
I'm not going my tape recorder next to you when I sleep
and I don't think I have the energy to press record
nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~~~
nuuuuu~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
jie!~
kz. will stop now.
why are you writing out our conversation put that put that
you're being lame.
soooooooo?
I wanna know what I say when I sleep~
Maybe I really come from another dimension
highly unlikely dear. highly unlikely.
Oh I want to change my icon
Oy!
You idiot!
Stop!
Lemme just tell you right I want change my icon to the rubberducky one
But I like the Kyle x Chiobu!
Yeah me too
Of course since I made it.
You know how schizophrenic this is?
Yes jie you're very OCB.
*whine* Yien........
My problem ah?
Oh fine.
Uhhhhhhh *whine*
Are you talking to me?
You know jie this is seriously going no where.
You know there's a shop in Douby Ghaut Xchange that's called Nowhere Pte Ltd?
I've never been in there, but walked past there before.
Who said my handeye coordination is bad?
I didn't say anything
I can type without seeing!
And right, Kor's comming home for dinner
Oh. D'you mom is going out with Bak Mou and they're ditching YiLin with us
Uhhhhhh *whine* KIDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I wanna Suikoooooo *sadness*
Suiko lar
No one's stopping you.
I hate kids these days.
Do I really talk in my sleep?
Yes dear you do.
And that's the fifth time you asked me in 5mins.
Why did you type out our conversation?
Dunno.
Like fun lor
Sian ji pua
Plus quite cool also.
I bet reading it will be damn funny later
This is going to be recorded in your achives
Duh.
You're never going to let me forget it
DUHHHHHHH.
EVIL.
That's archives are for what
I need to make a new layout
yah lor
I haven't blogged at all since may
Honestly though I think that Riku is quite cute
Of course he's cute! He's not cute he's hot.
Um.
Er dear?
Put the hot in caps.
Okay.
H-O-T.
You didn't need to make the spacing
But it's okay.
This is so funny
Most people know I'm a Riku fangirl. Most people know I'm a Jin fangirl too. Ah well who cares?
GAYNESS
You know sis
What?
This is very tiring.
My fingers pain already!
wanna switch over?
NOOOOO
cos this is MY blog entry.
okay lor.
We can end the conversation and watch TV
I think it's Opera now. On channel 5
Really?
yeah.
See?
Okay I want to go back to Yuber x Albert smut.
--------
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:15 p.m.+
Insomellence
I can't sleep.
I don't know why (actually I do - but why should I tell you?)
Red flowers the size of your palm in darkness with silver.
camellias
The scent is stifling for some reason
*shifts restlessly*
Okay so let's talk about Suikoden V then
How to level up 5 levels in 1 hour
True Men Tactic
EVA = 0 ATK=+20
You know, despite the EVA=0, I like using it. First is that it really works - the blanket attack can easily take down an area boss. Next is that it looks really cool and mafia-ish - and I like mafia. Plus seeing Richard as Mafia is so incongruous it's funny. The problem with this is that you literally kill before being killed. To make this tactic really work, you need a group of high agility, high attack with reasonable stamina. The best of course is that you get high attack + consec. attack in which you can take down 6 or so enemies easily. Usually works for training because the battles are usually short. Great for tanks too, cos they hit high but near-zero EVA so it doesn't really make a difference.
Tiger Tactic
Good for killing of area bosses and happen to have lowlife party members who can't live without EVA. I used it a lot at Sindar Ruins on those Embryo shit, because they tended to Retreat just when I was about to kill them off (and get the potch + SP). It's a great one-shot attack, good for short lifers and attackers because the front +10ATK and rear+10PDF.
Sourcery Tactic
My sister's fave. I'm not overly fond of it - I'm more of a slash!die person. But with Zerase, Jeane, Bernadette....whoa! *edges away slooowly* You do NOT want to mess with them. The +20 MAG is just craaaaazy~
Cross Tactic
It's an old one, but really useful because it has absolutely near zero shortcomings. It's a +5 ATK. First off, it puts chiobu infront, so his ACC is okay. Next is because of the poliferation of S/Mrange people, using the Tiger tactic decreases their Tech./Acc. which is bad. Cross on the other hand, has 3! empty slots for Srange people. And a nice empty blank space behind for L-range mage (like Zerase. whoohoo!)
NetherGate (why you should love them as much as I do)
Because they ROCK. Adequate magic (Shigure's about 170, Saigiri's higher), HIGH HIGH HIGH attacks/consec. attacks. Hell - just look at Richard! I don't care if Cathari is supposedly faster or higher ATK, his consec. ATK means that he deals about 600+ averagely and his 300+ tech/acc means that he never ever misses. (I've only seen it once, and that's cos I dumbly stuck him behind). Plus they come in a range of sizes - Lyon is Mrange, Richard and Shigure are Srange while Saigiri is Lrange. And then there's Oboro~ (with his uberuseful TreasureHunt). Want an entire NetherGate party cos you love them as much as I do? Here's a guide (using tiger tactic):
ChioBu
Shigure + Richard
Lyon
Saigiri + Zerase
Yes I realize that Zerase is Not of NetherGate. But hey! She deserves to be in it....she's got the attitude~ *giggles* Plus! How can anyone resist Richard?! He's just so cute!<3<3<3 Mueller!~Did you see that? :D
I swear he's gay. Yay.
The Hot!Sexy!Cute! Group
Done simply for the sake of aesthetics.(but also kick tremendeous ass) You got problem with pretty boys issit?
ChioBu(duh.ghey hankie leader)
Richard + Belcoot + Rahal + Kyle + Zwieg
Jeane <--- honorary nudie
Other suggestions:
Zerase (cos she's a domatrix), Shoon (cos he looks like shota), Shigure (cos messy = new sexy), Dinn (cos he has pretty hair)
Btw, Zweig goes in because he looks like a blonde!Tatsumi. It's the glasses I swear.
Great Firefly Rune
Equip it, change your options to "high HP" and watch the area bosses rooooooooll. Really, it's useful. You only need one though (I equipped mine on Shigure). Your enemies frequency increases to like...every 10 steps = 1 enemy. If you were to walk from Lordlake to Sable and back again, you could problably level up by 3 levels if you fight every single encounter.
Sable Western Checkpoint
is the BEST place for levelling up. Don't go too near the city, you end up fighting the Killer Birds (lower level). The best is to get the area boss which gives you an earth ring, a ? statue (angel statue worth 150000) and some other good shit. I find that Salamanders hang around here a lot too. For the Earth Dude (Golem something wtv), he usually hangs around the side of the gate CLOSER to Lordlake, while the Salamanders hang around the Sable side. Killing him gives you lots of potch and 90 SP points yay!
I haven't really done much but hang around the base of Renro Mountain - but I would give it a shot. The enemies there look pretty tough too.
Raftfleet area
Nice for levelling lower-end characters. Vyses, Salamanders. Equip a Firefly Rune, put Babbage (Treasure Hunt) in your party and sell those Violence Orbs. 'Tis worth it.
Routes
Walking = Money. Viki = No Money. Good logic eh?
Haud Village -->Lunas---->Rainwall--->Estrise.
Use True Men Tactic, for levelling up characters below 40
Southern Wharf--->Beaver Dam--->Lordlake--->Sable
Alternate TrueMen and Tiger, I really like this route too. Even if you only do part of it ie. Lordlake to Sable, it goes up by 2 levels (as seen in Zwieg).
okay
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:06 a.m.+
Flowers before spring
flowers before spring
sound like windsong and grieving
winter's bitterness brings-
flowers before spring
That by the way, is a riddle.
I think I love riddles too much. Riddles to me are like candy - hard candy that glimmer like colourful jewels so fascinating and suckable. LOL. Like you suck on them a
long time and let the flavour wash over your sticky lips in sweet sugary goodness.
Funny dreaming again - yesterday's/today's one was really strange. Sometimes I think I don't really want it to stop - I don't want it to stop. I want to know what happens in the end. What does it have to do with me, how real is it and most of all - who is that person in green? Actually I have the queerest feeling that it's someone I already know, I just refuse to acknowledge it. (hah! self-denial) It's so strange though.....slivery eyes and a name.
*shakes it off*
I'm being creepy again huh?
saaa~
I won't talk about it then :D
smile!:D life's too short to always live in dreaming
------
Windy, rainy day. I like it. It's my type of day. Days with white skies all rainwashed like clear watercolourpaper - heavy and textured with shadowed colourless clouds. It seems to remember slate blue sidewalks and transparent umbrellas and people whose footsteps falter like the sound of drizzling rain. You know that? The city? The city that has old worn acid-eaten buildings of sepia-ed stone on slate blue sidewalks laid in grids, people who walk with transparent umbrellas with their heads lowered, wrapped tightly in tan-coloured trenchcoats and women who tie red kerchiefs on their hair.
It's Metropolis
(and no, there are many metropolises, this is only one)
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in two places at once. To feel as though you're watching yourself through a pinhole camera and the music comes when you can hear it but can't - cos you're both directing and acting in this film that goes on everyday with saturated colours and stark monochrome. Where does it stop? You ask. I say - You don't know.
The air is lovely and cold tonight. Isn't it wonderful? A break from humidity. I like cold nights - the sky takes on this unearthly black which makes it look more sky-like than ever. Actually it's not really black - more like bruise-purple. bruise pristine It's a beautiful shade of purple - half-sad, half-violent, somewhat indifferent and yet....so romantically tragic. Like French. (but that's sterotyping ahhh...)
Random observation: A trait is basically a good sterotype. Wheras a "sterotype" is considered discriminatory, a trait/characteristic is not - even though both are basically generalizations.
Anyway Suikoden V is problably one of the best RPGs ever. The whole Arshtat and Ferid part just made me cry...even though I watched it again during my game I couldn't stop crying. Like an understanding that even though you try so hard to protect the people you love, you kill them because you were trying to protect them and once it sets in motion - you're helpless to do anything but watch.
Sometimes I feel a lot like that
helplessly watching
shikata nai is what I comfort myself with
If not I'll just kill myself with what ifs
Anyway, gtg
Sis is yelling
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:26 a.m.+
Strange Fruits
Listening to: Zone
.....malfunctioning.....
Saturday
Was Arab street day. Okay I now own enough tartan to upholster my entire house, wrabrode and floor with it. Mmmm~ had $3 murtabak too which was very yummylicious and I want bandung in icecream glasses too. *pouts* Anyway. I am now the proud owner of A Lot of Tartan. I'm not sure how much, but I know it's A Lot. I guess it's around 30m worth or 10 JSKs.
sunday
underwear shopping. lunch at chikyoutose (taka) + sake. my head hurts.
------------
I attract strange people but ah well. It's okay right?
I'm tired and feeling whiny because I know that no matter how much I study now, I'm not using it later. Who cares if I know Kiekegaard or read Samuel Beckett and enjoy the finer points of De Quincy's Murder is a Fine Art? I want to be a fashion designer - not a philosopher, politican or writer.
It just feels so direction-less and directional at once. Direction-less because I honestly see no point or use in studying this, directional because I already know what I want (hah!)
As audy commented: I'm the perfect material for the school dropout
Is it so wrong to want to be with popculture? Enjoy dalliancing with the masses? I have no problem with it, but some people do. They can tell me I'm wasting my talents on airkissing, wrist-flopping and fake French accents when I could be a politican, lawyer or writer. Why? Why can't I just be a fashion designer who loves tartan and wants to dress everyone up in beautiful clothes for every expression?
And when the push comes to the shove
It all boils down to intellectual snobbery.
For instance - sterotype suggests that anyone in the entertainment industry is gay, stupid or vain - or sometimes even all 3. That's not always true. Sure, wristflopping and airkissing and all round pretentiousness prevails....but can't you see? It's an act. Like the way EGL survives, nothing is real and everything is satirized.
I defy anyone who tells me that Karl Lagerfield is stupid.
Talk of nicer things, like liqourice smoke. Smoke that smells of liqorice is nice - or maybe like cloves. I can rarely tell the difference because they both smell like how I think he would smell like, except of course I wouldn't have a clue who he is. Isn't that funny? Anyway I changed the scent of my soap/shampoo again - guess right and you win! Win what? Why, nothing of course. LOL.
I like my soap.
It smells like powderblue cocoon houses
the place I always knew to be
Sometimes I feel like crickets don't sing as much as they warn - summer summer always summer. You don't really listen do you? The song is like a warning of withering fields and sorching heat and people having sex all spent and sweaty on hay and everything dying at once. Like reflecting skin. Metallic sunshine bouncing.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:22 a.m.+
Headbanging?
Listening to: Brahms
DUMDUMDUMDEEEDUMMMMMMMMMMM!
*headbangs*
LOL~ You know, everytime I headbang to classical music
I always feel like Alex, from Clockwork Orange
Oh gorgeousity! Oh grandeousity! The kazoombos and explusions of violins and cellos and doublebass! Oh my brothers - the beautifulest of horrorshows!
It just feels so plot-ful
Perfect music for taking over the world, hatching diabolical plans or plotting the downfall of enemies
The "hee hee hee" music lol
I remember Hungarian no.5 as a transformative piece. After hearing it, I wanted to learn the violin so badly that I cried. (but duh, my mom will never let me. nooooo it's piano for girls darlin') Anyway Brahms r0xx0rs :P Screw you Tchaikosky. And why does Brahms r0xx0rs? Because he's cool, sounds big (so kitsch. so melodramatic. so utterly uncool!) and uses lots and lots of violins. Yayness :D
---------
Woke - or rather, rolled out of bed today late because I was Suikodening the night before and slept at 4.15am. Late for lecture but ah well.
Joined Brendan, Charles, Jared and Vanessa for lunch at BK. 'Twas okay~ I think first I was happyish (afterNYAA high) and also cos I didn't feel particularly antisocial. I think they really do find me weird though - how sad ne? Sometimes Jared just looks at me with this sighing-amused look that reminds me of a nanny watching an errant child go wild. Ahahaaha.....Well. Laugh all you like :D cos I'm laughing too.
I think I get way too much of a kick playing
Like some part of me refuses to grow up
And start y'know.....-caring-
So unsuitable huh? *grins* I like it that way. I value my freedom very highly, I like peace and stability of current relationships - and okay, after confessing to Graham about what really happened about Gabriel (sorry Gabriel, you're an amatuer compared to my family. Silly silly boy, how could I ever fall for a person like you? If you're so easily duped, no wonder you have an inferiority complex.) I don't feel bad at all. People pointed out that in this case, I should feel guilty for manupialting Gabriel and lying to the entire school.
tsu's response: So?
They got what they deserved.
The only 'innocents' are the people who were friends whom I had to dupe/lie/abuse sympathy of.
Anyway, bus ride and there and back again. Next time I do it, I better remember to top up my card first. Econs was fine, though I missed th the first bit 'cos I was sleeping. 4am + Suikoden = No Energy the next day.
--------
The evening was pretty today. Cool, slightly windy, trippish weather with diluted, hydromel-ish sunlight. Not so much light as splotchy lumiscence; a kind of glow.
Sometimes I feel so distended
As though flesh was like a weight stopping me from flying
The heaviness of being y'know?
As though I was apart from this
Yet inside it as well
The feeling of wind on skin
Yet unable to totally be with the wind
As though flesh was a prison
But a longed prison
But I don't mind it (sometimes)
I like the feel of supersoft Italian bedsheets
the taste of sugar melted on tongue
the freeze of drinking icy cold water too quickly
flashing it out - splintering
the scent of warm skin and clean shampoo
Like Kaworu - I never saw the point in being spartan
So what if you could do without?
It's these tiny indulgences that make life so much more pleasant and tasteful.
But sometimes
Those times
When the sky shimmers in that yearning blue
the kind that it's both close and far away
the arcing crystalline colour that sings freedom
and light dips less like syrup and more like water
as though it glowed in a transparent pool that illuminates
and the wind laughs and spills secrets and leaves over sidewalks
i get this flutter
this intense yearning - inexpliciably painful longing
a kind of instanteous recognizing desire
to just leave with it
to get rid of this heavy body
to get rid of delicious sensualities
and just-
fly?
I don't know
like an escape I guess
To go with it - submersion.
wouldn't that be wonderful?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:59 p.m.+
rocket launchers & space crusaders
Listening to: Danicalifornia
Okay, to begin at the beginning~
Arab Street + Bugis + Orchard
Went out with Sak after tutoring Graham on Monday. Started with Taka for lunch, then had this GREAT and BRILLIANT eureka!moment (whist slashing Colonel Flaunders x Ronald McDonald). Headed up to the kids' section, and realized that we could wear children's clothes! o.O amazing huh? The best part is that the clothes are more well-made but cheaper. Like the Bubblegummer's wedge summer heels are $18.80 compared to a pair from Hue which would be about $30.
Bought a pleather x tartan skirt and tempted to get the moshimaro belt but decided to save cash for place2.
Headed down to John Little where we bought some amaloli cardigans from Disney. Yes, I wear Disney size 14~ w00t. It's really good quality knitwear though, with flower emboridery and threaded ribboning. Plus~ cute round pearl buttons. Went to Robinsons' but gah - they utterly destroyed the kids' section there. Damn. Ah well.
Took a bus to Bugis and found this place called ICON which reminds me very much of Takashidori. Why? Concrete stairs, tiny stalls squished together, swanky dressed shopkeepers and no lifts. It's pretty cool though~ I remember on lvl 6 or 7 there was a lovely dress shop which unfortunately wasn't open.
Walked to Haji Lane and found House of Japan. No EGL but cool overalls! Zomg. So cool that I actually bought one for $5. *glazes longingly* I am so going to deconstruct it. Yep. Slashes. Flayed thread. Sandpaper. LOVE. *_* Browsed around, found some really cool shops that sold minimalistic swanky and threadless shirts. The nicest was this record shop that sold one of a kind printed shirts and I bought the one that said: "Cats Not Bombs" with a cat grinning making a peace sign. So cute~ and in pink too. Very tempted to get the Capitalist shirt (shooting toilet men!) but it was yellow and I don't like yellow.
Walked across to Arab street proper (I think the place is laid in an interlocking cross) and ZOMG! TARTAN LOVE! I think I died and went to tartan heaven. Red, blue, green, yellow, beige............*dies in joy* And cheap too! I bought 3m of redxblack (for pirateloli!) and 3m of beige burberry (for classic or scalloping). And I want moreeeeeeee *wibbles* Even now I can't stop thinking of the bluexwhitexred I missed or the gorgeous electric blue one. I don't care if it's so much material. It's cheap, it's plentiful and I LOVE TARTAN!<3<3<3 *swoons*
I can't stop molesting it....
Wunnerfulnesss~~~~~~~~~~
*eyeglitter*
I mean seriously - at $2/m it's almost 7x cheaper than spotlight. Not to mention since it's bollywood haven, lace is EVERYWHERE. The shops themselves are worth looking at too. From super blingbling!marbleflooring + chandeliers and aircon (I feel like an oil sheik lol) to these dingy, stalls with stacks upon stacks of material sometimes piled so high that it touches the ceiling. You know how cool it is? It's SUPER COOL.
Lagged everything to Novena where I proceeded to take the NYAA passport pictures. *sighs* Such a hassle really. Went home, zonked a little and shared my finds.
Once more: ARAB STREET IS LOVE!
:P just in case you didn't know.
Tuesday + Today
Went for tuition, then hopped to Borders to pick up Readers' Digest Guide to Sewing. I need it. I can't for the life of me figure how to make a nice looking bust dart. Anyway, it's worth every cent. They have everything from corset making(!!!) to dress pants to pattern shortening to trapizoid skirt patterns (woah o.O) And since it comes with patterns/basic drafting, I don't really need more than buy cardboard and start cutting.
God I can't wait for A levels to end so that my sewing machine will be whirring and purring~
clacky-clack~ is the sound of love xD
Went home, slacked a while before starting NYAA Report of Doom. It's a 30page word document which can be summed in a sentance: I love Singapore already, so give me the fucking award!.
After much cranky bullshitting (joining NDP has made me realize how it felt to truly belong to this place I call home) and more cranky bullshitting (by going through the NYAA program, it has taught me many things). Finally at 5.30am, I finished typing. But I still had to print, file, and burn a copy into CD. crapstixxors.
Well. IT'S OVER! *cheers*
By the time I finished cleaning up, it was 6.30am and the frikkin' birds began to chirp. *rocket launcher* God. I hate mornings. *goes to sleep* Ended up being woken at 11am to get to school to submit, but zonked out while waking so I left at 1pm instead. Not bad. Everything done.
Random thought:
Mr Tan Hoe Teck talks like my dad
Just creepy. Ah well.
Came home, crashed after lunch then woke up to play Suikoden. Richard is adorable!!!!!! *squee and pinchcheeks* Yay I love Richard. God he's so cute it's wrong. And I can't stop staring at Stialeed's boobs. Like it's right infront of my face. o.O and she's my aunt too.
*stares at Stialeed's boobs*
I think I hang around Kyle too much lol
------
I keep thinking of other things besides A levels now
Yeah okay I'm sort of "working towards it"
I just can't seem to muster the interest to pursue it
bleh.
Don't have much of an attention span na~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:50 a.m.+
