searchable
So I'm searchable online now *amused*
I suppose it's because of my tendency to *gasp* Use Real!names.
Today was long, and I'm somehow awake despite feeling alternatingly stoned, annoyed and bored. To some extent, I realize that nothing will stop me from staying awake just as nothing will stop me from sleeping. Started off with an art lecture at NYJC, which is so well-funded that I feel like a Starving Vietnamese Artist. Stratch that. Even artists in Hanoi have better enviroments than we do. So anyway, they have aircon, baking ovens, 2 labs, 3 sinks and multitudes and multitudes of space which is so unfair considering that the CJC roof is leaking with mildew, the pipes spew purple!arcylized water and the fan makes awful creaking noises as if it'll fall on our heads any moment.
However, I bumped into Yoona, whom I thought went back to Korea. She's actually in YJC doing art now, after retaining in IJ for a year. Quite good to know what happened to everyone, and oh, she says hi
Took a ride down to Orchard, was early and wandered around before meeting audy. I think the best thing about being with audy is not so much what we do, but the fact that it's safe and comforting and stable. In a world of liquid foundations and swinging pendulums, it's nice to have a routine to go to every week - meet at MRT, eat cheap student food, hide out at Kino and take 174 home. Feels safe y'know? And I need that. That kind of definitive-ness.
Con Fuco IV - slow starting that ended with a bang. I have to say, the best part was the percussion. Not only did it showcase their musical technique, but it was well-performed. It entertained (despite Xiao An's weirdly cold jokes, lol) Overall a good performance, in particular the saxaphone soloist was really good. The encore of Power Rangers was a nice touch too. And as much as Xiao An's jokes are an acquired taste, I can understand what it's like standing there with a wtf-am-I-going-to-say-now-during-time-fillers?
Hopped over to Eskibar, was bored shitless. I don't think clubbing/pubbing or whatever it's called, is quite my thing. If I want to get drunk, I'll do it at home, away from irritating crowds and loud techno-thumping music. Quote subaru: "God, at least I have the decency to self-pity in private." Not to mention fabulously overpriced drinks and food ($15! wtf). On the other hand, I realized that a)I have a peculiarly high tolerance to alcohol b)I like sugary sweet cocktails/shots.
I think it's God's idea of a joke
Me, intent on getting drunk and forgetting is unable to because I can't get drunk.
In fact, if it's possible, I actually become more clear-minded after a couple of glasses. Creepy eh?
It's not to say I won't drink, but it's unlikely that I'll ever do this sort of thing regularly. I was so bored I was counting my fingers and checking my handphone for time. When I looked into the faces of the ineribated and semi-drunk, it looked gotesque under the artifical blue ligh of the bar, almost awkwardly pronographic and nude in expression. Then as the night wore on, it just seemed as though their faces became looser and looser with a plasticine quality that made it even more surreal than before.
If I ever do it again, I'll bring a camera and a sketchbook.
It's too interesting to not try.
-------
Still feeling annoyed with myself.
Like woah there! stupid.
I'm not even going to wish I can escape anymore
I'm just going to not do anything.
Repeat after me:
Don't do anything
The first reason to that logic is simple: prevent reprecussions. The second reason is a little bit harder to swallow, but makes sense anyway. Why don't do anything? Because I'm the kind who will idealize away people's faults, and fall for the ideal instead of the person. Also, I want to please people and I can't stand criticism/open dislike. So it makes sense if I will end up trying my darnest to win the person over even if I don't nessescarily like them. At the same time, I can delude myself that I want them too.
Geddit?
Basically it sums up to tsu = idiocy
I think I'm running out of adjectives/synomyms for "stupid"
whatever.
shikata nai
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:29 a.m.+
I hate my layout
I hate my layout.
I hate me too.
God please stop me from thinking
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:20 a.m.+
falling into o.5 statsis
Sometimes I feel like hanging a signboard on my forehead:
Beware of Excessive Stupidity
I'm beginning to believe that what God giveth, He takenth away ASAP.
In which:
I get Jared pissed off at me (and vice versa)
And! Made a dumb mistake of catching Claire.
Let me explain:
I really hate taking pictures. I feel ugly, stupid, dumb and insecure all at once and it shows. I've never been comfortable with myself (self-hatred, low self-esteem yada yada), and I avoid everything with my reflection on it from mirrors to photographs to even looking at the window. Which is why you practically have to drag me into photographs - which I only tolerate within a couple of friends and family (and complusory pictures as well ie. passport) but other than that? No frikkin way.
And then Jared had to take some when I wasn't looking :/
Of course I was pissed. I chased him down and made him delete the pictures on the spot with me hovering over his shoulder. And I pissed him off because of that - spoilsport and all. But it does make me feel really uncomfortable and insecure......It's not his fault that he doesn't know, but I would've appreciated if he asked first.
It just bothers me a lot.
I'm sure it seems very minor to some, but even though I project confidence, I'm not really. I can barely tolerate audy or mom snapping away on birthdays or christmas or what-nots with their handphones and digital cameras. For people like Jared, whom I'm not very close to and just converse briefly with once in a while - it's like an invasion of private space and a breach of trust.
I just really don't like it okay?
Part 2 happens when overly bored people have too much time in their hands. Instead of studying, revising or sleeping (as intelligent people should do) they waste their time trying to drop Gabriel-esuqe hints ie. *winkwink* He's over there y'know? *winkwink* Look, as much as I appreciate your concern/amusement over it, please stop it now. I really don't care. The reasoning is simple: Do I even have time to think about it? I have S paper classes, extra homework, NYAA, CL B undone homework, GP readings, tuition, CCA CIP arrangements, CCA articles, CCA delegation listings to do and .............I still can think about this??!?!?!? Please. While I may acknowledge his existence with a polite "hi", it's more due to sheer upbringing than any actual social connection.
And he really doesn't help matters by making people talk more.
Look, I'm perfectly aware you're avoiding me to the point that you even leave your crutches on the table just to HOBBLE to the next. But because of your sheer unsubtleness and open avoidance, it's been making people talk. I'm sure it sounds very strange to you that I should care how people think, but after 15 rounds of explaining that "No, I'm not doing anything." it becomes utterly annoying and extremely infantile. It's as though you want to give childish a new and glorious meaning. For heaven's sake we're 18! Old enough to know better and behave in a civil, socialized manner. We're not primary school kids going "I don't friend you anymore".
It's just so intolerably rude.
You know what? Next week Thursday if this happens again (as with every other Thursday for God's sake stop staying back in school so long if you really want to avoid me.) I'll just go up to him and yell. He can't run anyway cos he's on his crutches (which he leaves behind in his desperation to avoid)
----------
Someone please put a bullet through my head.
A million dollars and a thanks.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:47 p.m.+
Air
*blows fringe*
I really should cut it soon, it's falling over my eyes all time and I keep on having to shove it back, lol. Looks untidy as usual.
I feel so...romantically alive suddenly.
Like a langour, a sunlit stroll, an appreciation.
Like today, as I stepped out of the hospital I felt so happy to be alive. The air seemed clean and delicately wispy, as though hanging gently from floating leaves and swept pavements flooded with the milky light of a watercolour sky. It wasn't the hard brilliance or glare, nor the heavy rich gorgeousity of golden light, but a soft, very spring (and somehow Frenchly-chic) sunlight that was as graceful and as gentle as the elusive breeze that danced merrily on laced windows.
Anyway problem solved. I have low blood pressure apparently.
I was actually feeling much better after the checkup, problably because I slept in the clinic while waiting my turn and Mr Khoo, the cardiologist, seemed slightly alarmed at my lack of self-concern and work habits. He practically ordered me to go back home and sleep lol. Quote: "stop reading so much!"
A very katamari damacy day.
That felt like plastic balls and fat angels
That felt like pictures pasted flatly with PVU
That felt like innocence and spring
Oh yeah, school update: I'm coping. Honest. Please don't worry about me, I'll figure something out if I really can't take it. And today I should've bought 4D or Toto or something lol. Mrs Sng was actually NICE to me. *stupified shock* Excerpt:
[ranting about school culture]
Mrs Sng: (continues) Look at you all ah (exasperated eye-roll) Not a single one of you can answer the question. See what culture your class has?! Ahhhyaaahh (eye roll no.2) Like her you knoooow (looks at my direction) Only SHE dared to speak up during the dialouge, what about the rest of you?!?! Ahhhhhhiyahhhh (eyeroll+sigh) If you do it politely then of course no trouble. But look at all of you!...etc
tsu: (raise hand interrupts) But I was polite!
Mrs Sng: (Exasperated eyeroll + shrug + stare at ceiling + sigh) Aiiiiiyah! I know! *glareglare*
Okay it doesn't seem very funny written
It has to be seen to be believed.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention:
Mr. Gabriel Tan has broken his leg *dumdumdum*
We shall feel sympathy towards him and his unfortunate circumstances - breaking your leg due to Tennis can be described to be the "1 in a million" thing to do, and because Mr. Gabriel Tan is such a unique creature (as said by supporters)Hobbling around school is surely a tiring and ardorous task, and going down lecture stairs could be considered a Mission Impossible. Yet, he perserveres and thus should be applauded for his hardworking attitude and dedication towards the enrichment of his education. However, we must understand that God is omipotent with his own Universal Plan. Because God is such a great and magnificently bountiful being, he has included in this universe a system of cosmic checks and balances and thus, because God is so Divine in all Aspects....
Repeat after me:
Divine Justice has been Meted out
*sniggers*
I do feel sorry for him, but there is a sense of personal satisfaction in that the Righteousness of God has been implemented. After all, we should not rejoice in another's sorrows.
*giggles*
God hears prayers after all, though he's problably hiding 3/4 of the time.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:40 p.m.+
Still living or - Not quite dead yet
Motto of the week:
I will NOT succumb
I refuse to.
I refuse with every fibre of logic, every cell of my wanting skin, with every inch of my unwilling self - that every movement of eye or broken foot - I will not crumble in resolution, will not resort of implusive (and often stupid) behaviour because it is just so
I refuse to believe in base instincts, that with every struggle, with every rationalized arguement it will slowly fade into itself because I have done it before thus, can (and WILL) do it again. If I have to shut myself within myself to do it, I will. If I have to bury my soul and bite my tongue till blood comes, I will. Because it is just so.
And we will leave it at that.
o
/[-]\
[] [break]
Motto:I will NOT succumb
--------
Work is offically killing me.
I'm not like Alex - fanaticism to education
That is, if you can consider education a religion unto itself.
To be so reduced to a shadow
Until even Mr James notices -
What the hell am I doing?
What the hell am I achieving?
Why the hell am I here?
How the hell did I get here anyway?
Sometimes I just have to ask.
The pressure is kicking in though. Like a slow cooker on burn - I can feel the itchystratchy on my skin like fingernails, the buzz of undiscernable voices hovering like mental pollution of mindless living, the mechanical gestures once passionate, now dying into the Land of Stoning. Walking-Dead Effect is the christianized name. Baptised. By evil Catholic schools bent on working us drones into educated robots.
I miss how the marshmellows raped donuts (all 42 of'em)
And most of all, I miss feeling warm.
maybe tonight. or tomorrow. Maybe.
I feel so meaningless.
Un-meaningfied.
Like my identity has been stolen
Replaced by a false presentation
And no one cares
About you. or me. or i.
It's like saying: I think I lost my mind
How do you think - and lose your mind?
contradictory states of equation.
just dying
I want everything to just -stop-.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:13 p.m.+
And after all
Listening to: Oasis
Oh yeah; Spotlight update:
- 3 new plaids, look behind for the cheaper "highland tartan" which is 1/2 the price of the usual plaid
- Rose prints + BTSSB rose lace lookalike.
- New range: Spots and stripes (retro, minny mouse dots)
- emboridered rose lace in COLOUR. *freaks at price*
- They have checks. As in the punk-kind
- I saw velveteen, pearl chiffon and SUEDE *gasp*
- More summer prints; and they still have the ichigo pattern
All in all the material is getting much better. There's a gorgeous rose print in brown/pink and cream/pink that looks EXACTLY like this. The roses in pink of course. I saw a couple of really lovely spring-type florals as well, and a dibetes-giving babybluexichigo print in DRILL. Yep, they have a range of prints in DRILL! Everyone~please start applauding~ (no more superthin poplin!)
------------
Easter is pretty funny this year
No chocolate eggs for one....
I remember as a kid I had this huge, gorgeous egg that was wrapped in sliver-blue foil with swans printed on it inside this white box with gold lettering written in swirls. It was so beautiful I didn't even eat it, just looked at it everyday, sitting on my shelf wrapped and shining like a pearl. And when then one day I took it down to nibble on it slowly, carefully tearing the slivery blue foil to see the solid darkness of chocolate. Even now, I think about how delicious it was - so big, so beautiful that it made every mouthful a happy pleasure.
I wonder about today
Does it mean "to day" or "to date"?
Maybe it's a signal
That it's not so much the dates that matter,
But the essence of the day
That within this sunrise and sunset
What have you done to the end of day
Not date
Dates are like culuminations, past histories and trappings
So the end of day renewal huh?
I think today should be the dark of the moon....3 days of full moon and the moon vanishes for the next few days. It's supposed to be a good time to reflect on your actions and contemplate on your next move. Reflect....
The truth is I don't think I'm doing my best. I honestly feel I'm holding back - it's just not the right time - something tells me that. It's the same feeling that I realize that I have a feeling that will turn up again in the future, and we will meet again but not now. I don't even know if we'll be on the same sides, or what it is - but I know we will meet again.
It's so strange isn't it?
But I can feel it.
I know it is. But now, I won't say/do anything.
It is not my place.
*huggles ninjacat*
sucker's up time to lose
cos there's nothing else to do
I guess I'm just worrying for nothing
Maybe I really do get twitchy because of weather
All the rain.......
As much as I love it, it's slightly unnatural
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:22 a.m.+
Circus clouds
It's been a strange week.
It's not as draining as the last, but still odd
Not odd-normal, but odd
I went back to Thomson on Wednesday..
Even now when I think about it
A strange sense of mixed feelings
Empty unswept staircases with overgrown plants winding around broken fences and squirrels nesting on classroom floors with opened windows and corridors echoing with late afternoon sunlight and laughter. Like walking through an unseen crowd - I saw a younger self with a dirty pinafore, pouting outside the computer room door impatiently while watching people stroll across the St. Gabriel's block in 9am sunlight. Then for a brief second, I thought I saw her wave to me, smiling from a distant sense of past. Like a secret garden I accidentally fell into - an alice in wonderland, but the wonderland that held so many happy memories of wind that smelt like grass and mysterious futures and secrets that one day would be told to me. The sounds of dancing feet and squeals and fangirling as we raced down the corridors.
It was so happy
A pain in the heart - because it was so happy
It was
Despite everything, it was
An idealization maybe, but I knew I was happy then
Like looking at glass plates with the reflective skin of photographs printed on them, washed by the grey light of a darkroom and you can still see the faintest traces of glowing sliver - a face, an arm, a movement captured forever
But as I walked out, I was happy
Like a sense of saying goodbye
And walking into the future
Perhaps not so much regret as closure
Not so much sadness as forgiveness
Forgiving peace.
alice, alice where have you fallen?
did you wander too deep into the woods at night?
did you step too soon into a wrong rabbit hole?
did you kiss the wrong frog prince?
And perhaps, perhaps
You sleep in a secret garden
With a gaurdian wolf awatching dressed as sheep
And Card Men painting White rabbits with golden pocketwatches
Sleep, sleep little alice
and may your dreams be treaded softly and sweet
--------
Friday was pretty good. Slacked tremendously by watching TV with sis (Jewel in the Palace!) Korean soaps are extremely addictive xD Went out to watch The Inside Man with Pinkie, Marie, Brendan, Jared, Graham, Keisha and Joceyln. The only problem was I more or less figured their escape by the time they reached the "change clothes part" :( On the other hand, the final escape ROCKED. That was pure genius darnit. And it was cool. Cinematography is a pass, though the continous crowd panning made me feel claustrophobic and nauseaous.
Went out for supper at Food Republic. Not bad but overpriced, lol. Graham and Keisha are so cute together, and scaring Jared is fun xD Got really bored once they started gossiping though *shurgs* I don't really pay enough attention to the Who's Who of school, mainly because I don't really give a shit. Yeah okay, I'm becoming fablously self-centred because I don't really want to care about anyone, nor do I want anyone to care for me, nor am I particularly in the need of it anyway. *thinks* I suppose I could even put the blame on myself on why Gabriel doesn't like me, because I practically shot myself in the toe lol. Self-preservation perhaps? I honestly think it's good he doesn't like me (stupid reason nonetheless)
It just sounds so..................*insert expletive*
I asked Graham you see
Why he didn't like me
I guessed 3 reasons:
1. too loud, obnoxious, noisy
2. does not want/like to be understood (thus, he assumed I assumed)
3. sees too much of himself in me; vice versa
But when you boil everything down, it comes down to something pretty simple :fear. What else is scarier than someone who claims to know you and! starts guessing right? It's basically a threat to the ID/ego. In the land of teenagers and Individualistic-promotion, nothing is more threatening than to be understood because that's basically allowing someone else to control.
Graham said it was no. 2 and 3
:x
I guess if I wanted.....I could try
But I don't you see? I don't.
It's not a matter of convincing anymore
It's simply a matter of common sense
My future (and other's expectations of me) is my highest piority
Not trying to save someone who doesn't wish to be saved anyway
-----------
Ran errands, am now tailoring my doublesupercool tartan clothes - hee! :D Watched West Side Story halfway, but it was so terrible that mom and I walked out and had dinner at Thai Express which has the most fablous chilli sauce EVER.
Showed her to all the places I liked: lol, it was almost like a date. Brought her to the rooftop to see the skyline at night and enjoy the night breeze, then walked round the harbour and watched the free concerts by the bay. I think it makes up for it na~ it feels nice that we're talking again.
the moon is bright and beautiful
she looks to you with a friendly face
with silken clouds amongst her bosom
as she looks mysteriously with an unknownable smile
it sounds way better in chinese
but I haven't written weird chinese poems for long ._.
LOL~
A CL B-er who writes chinese poetry.......ah! irony!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:19 a.m.+
Yonkers.
I have trouble blogging now.
Don't know why. Maybe lack of time.
Anyway, recap (straight from letter to blog):
10th April 2006
hello,
It's morning now, isn't it? Bright, overly happy mornings with a false sense of wellbeing and gorgeous sunrises which like and whisper nonsensical hopes into your ears. I don't want to hear it though. I walk across the overhead bridge like a grumpy cranky scrooge...I hate mornings. My head hurts and my mind wanders and I feel empty and hollowed like a gourd emptied of seed and rosy flesh with only a drying husk left behind. Sitting in Math class in always pretty funny - I don't understand a word of it : binomial derviatives and trigomentrical diagrams that fly by me so pleasingly unknown. It feels nice not to know. The sunlight seems so bright and -noisy- now. I wish I was sick so I won't need to go to school and at the tip of my tongue (but the back of my throat) - I almost wished I died so I won't need to come here anymore.
Quite sad isn't it?
To desperately want to leave this place so much.
But to placate others, I do. I'm counting down the days to the end: myself yearns for other skies in other cities and new faces with no past. A kind of running away. Sometimes I'm scared to grow up, a Peter Pan syndrome because I'm not even sure now whether I want the future I dreamed , fashion empire or not. They call it wasting your potential or even better: "underperforming" but I don't particularly care. Maybe I'm really sick; not pretend-sick. Sick of school, sick of people, sick of feeling and sick of myself. Sounds so Kiekegaard yes, but I think he's actually right. I'm so desperate to get out that I count the days to the weekend and when it comes I can't decide whether to wander in Orchard or just hide away in blankets and then the weekend just flutters away. Like paper.
If anything, at least I'm pretty sure that CJC will leave a legacy
A legacy of MassPEphobia.
Sometimes I remember.
A fire.
A fire escape.
Is it real?
No one remembers but I
I think it is. Problably 1995.
Except the fire was a hoax
And we moved out the next day
11th April, Afternoon
Rainy, skyless day. Papercut sky. Paperthin - almost flimsy looking, like a upside-down bowl of porcelein and now, you're looking up into it. Pretty, cold and distant - as though just by knocking it over and reality will just crack and splinter into a dozen shattered pieces.
12th April, Afternoon
This is the first time I've ever felt such a conflict of nature. On one hand, I dearly would love to belong and feel warmth of acceptance. On the other hand, I can't forgive myself if I were to betray my esssential soul of being. Is it only in CJC do I ever feel so torn away from myself? I was actually -worried- about what others thought. How can I be so defenseless against myself? The mechanics of coping, a scurrying hidden face away from public can't protect from this frenzy. I hate it. I hate it so much that if I could, I would be a whispering invisible voice in darkness. Then maybe these people will finally leave me alone. Idiots. Even so, I wonder if they realize that my intention was never to fight, but simply question the basis. I'm not a fighter, I hate being provoked. I'm just doing this to satisfy my own personal curiousity. The voice of the school I shall -NEVER- EVER- be.
Must all questioners be courageous? I think they picked the wrong person. Someone once told me that courage was just the stupidity when people failed to run in face of danger. I guess in my case it is simply an inability to let go of curiousity and belief - simple questioning is suddenly accursed of attentionseeking and arguementative calls. If I don't question, then how will I ever find the truth? It's not for the sake of arguing, if it were, then its just silly, childish and obnoxious.
[/RECAP]
Tomorrow is a holiday! Will be sleeping in, then going out in the evening with Brendan, Jared, Graham, Joce, Pinkie etc. Maybe it's good to take my mind off this and just fall back into the bufferzone-ness of small talk and gossip. It's really creepy how Brendan's mom sounds like mine though (I swear she's a capricorn)
Funny comment of the day:
Pinkie says that I'm not a typical piscean!
hah~ no more sponge jokes lool
*bloopbloop*
Fought with my brother but cooled off during tuition. I swear, there's something addictive about balancing budgets and accounts. I lurve International Trade. There's a kick to drawing those little tables and tabulating them complusively. Or maybe it just feels good to count millions and millions (I'm offically immune to zeros).
Plus I really like the J-curve thing.
I wonder if it's possible to predict and recify it faster.
I'm quite glad to be in this econs group. The people are generally friendly (everyone knows everyone), the guy is a decent teacher and shoves me when I need it (which is most of the time) And when I finish class, I come out feeling smarter, like ZOMG I LEARNT SOMETHING!!!!1111oneoneone
Strangely enough as much as I dislike Mrs Sng, she occasionally does that feeling too. My marks are actually improving now that I'm doing what she wants. Of course, that doesn't stop me from occasionally jacking her. I think she secretly enjoys it as much as I do.
Anyway, have to go.
Bathe, watch Jewel In the Palace and sleep.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:47 a.m.+
bangbang
*takes out checklist*
Done, doneth and doing.
Case study test tomorrow *sighs*
I'm getting into the habit of writing letters to myself, mainly because it's so convient. Faster than a diary, more realiable than a journal plus my favourite second-person narratives included. I suppose I'll just type what I wrote there here.
Tuition was okay. The best thing about tomorrow is that class ends at 3pm (yay!) which is wonderful~ absolutely fantastic! :D :D :D Go home, sleep and start on my Korean soap marathon (I'm at episode 30!)
Just have to hang in there
Don't care what the say
Don't listen and don't hear
because you want to keep till the end, right?
shikata nai
*shrugs*
What else can I do?
At least I'll have a well-developed sense of patience.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:13 a.m.+
Weatherman
Listening to: Goldfrapp
Quick log
Lots of stuff happening suddenly
So I might not be around for a while
If anyone needs anything, it's really much easier to call
I'm kinda sad I couldn't send Sharon off at the airport
But with classes piling like pickupstix
what am I supposed to do?
shikata nai
*sighs*
Just feeling a little uneasy over certain things
But what to do? Everything needs to be done
And someone has to do it.
Feeling a little awkward today
A little torn between hiding and wanting to ask questions
I actually turned to Graham to ask if I should do it
I just don't like the side-effects
Like minimal effort hugging LOL
The weather sucks
I hope the sky turns blue soon
Weather conditions prevailing......
If not I won't get my pictures
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:37 a.m.+
Clubbing with a cello [or not]
Listening to: Tartini - Diablo trivolo + Issac Stern - Hungarian Dance no. 5
I wish I knew how to play the violin *sighs happily*
This is problably one of my favourite violin pieces
Although it's a tough call to decide if I like Stern or Tartini better. But then again, Tartini!<3<3<3
The morning sucked - but then again, I'm not a morning person. And I tried to write a letter half-asleep, only to realize that when I'm cranky my letters (and handwriting!) become redolent in angst and teenage cynicism. Except that in my case, it's more like Monday morning blues. Cut myself during art while doing lino (linography) which is quite fun and mindless although on Thursday I'll problably go back downstairs with Kenneth, Mindy and Claire. It's just stuffy to think in a box.
I'm beginning to think that the more God hates me.
Honest.
Why else would it be that every time I try to distance myself from Gabriel-related info it just comes spilling out? As if everyone has a burning desire to tell me everything they know about him? And I masohistically -have- to sit down and hear?
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know he clubs with his cello
[although I personally think it's wrong, woodwind instruments are frikkin fragile]
Or that he's interested in another girl.
Good riddence!
What am I?
Why are you telling me?
He's not phiryn. Or k'yunin. Or lexis. Or anyone.
He's not even human.
[unthinking matter of flesh and organ]
--------
Anyway, today was an embryo-sky day which was extremely troublesome and unpredicted. *sighs* I intentionally brought my camera down to take photographs of various bus stops but weather conditions prevailing.........urgh. The only one I managed to get clearly was the bus stop at night. The problem is the sky.
Taken:
1. CJC bustop
- Ain't Afraid to Die sky (white)
- Grey light, motion blur
- 6pm evening (border on dusk)
2. Outside stop
- Jazz + REM sky (dark)
- streetlamp + cars light
- mild motion blur
- 7pm night.
Not yet done:
3. Orchard bustop
- Jessica sky (wind, robinegg blue, crystalline)
- Sparkling light, champange on leaves
- 4pm ish? late afternoon
4. Thomson bustop
- S-teki sky (orange, white, yellow)
- Swollen, sultry hard light. Sickish glare reflect.
- 2pm + exhaust smoke.
5. Outside stop
- Wind + Yuuyami Suicide sky (brilliant infinite blue)
- Amber, golden dusty, sepia honey light that soaks and embraces.
- late afternoon, 5pm
6. SMU156 stop
- Taiyou no Ao + Yokan sky (midsparkle, enanmel sky)
- dusty, pale, almost sunless light
- *must* flowers on concrete
- mid afternoon, 4pm
Am I picky or what? *wonders*
I think if I put as much effort to my homework I'll be a scholar or something lol.
I have some bus stops which are under consideration as well:
1. audy's bus stop
- [KR]cube sky
- 11am in the morning (bordering on noon)
- vivid sunlight, hard focus
2. Lorong 8 bus stop at TP
- drizzling
- Undecided sky
- 6.30pm evening
- cadmium light, bordering on yellow
- gaussian blur.
3. Opposite bustop
- no music. Empty sky
- wolflight
- afternoon. hard sunshine.
--------
It's not that I'm obsessed with bustops. It's just that they are, they were; important. Some of them are perfectly knowable, some unfinished, some fragmented. I think them special, secret almost. Sometimes even secret to me. Like the pending ones - should? should not? hm.
I would like things to start and end properly.
Even if I hate doing it, if need to be done
I'll do it.
So that's how it is.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:01 a.m.+
Carafe
carafe
coffee on hold
teapot flowers, steaming roses
cracked glasses, old-fashioned kisses
everybody here?
-take a sip of stale tea-
Feeling doozy. Not doxie-doozy, just the feel of the word. Isn't it interesting how a single word can hold so many meanings? Doozy: lethargic and dreamy or salaciously whore-ish. *cuddles cat* Right now it's the former though. Just worrying about tomorrow's things and tomorrow's bringings - gotta get through this- and less important but more worrying things that seem to lurk subconciously in my dreams until I wake up to darkened bedrooms and a voice that calls my name in that only way.
I think I'm going crazy.
I'm not really crazy - not even before. A certain calculated deliberation that people miss. I might be tempremental, moody and emotionally rollacoaster-ish but y'know what they say.....Intellect wins over emotion every time. I can love you and hurt you at the same time, distance from you forever AND! justify it's the right thing to do. No. Not now.
the song you sang
was dying in the sand
buried in the mind
a landscape of arid drying
laundry nights and cold tiles
broken mirrors of faces that could've been
a fly hovers impercipitably trapped
in stasis
all about that day
you lost me
did I lose you too?
My feet are cold.
I remember as a kid, I used to build sofa-houses and piano-houses with my sister - brilliant games of cushions and blankets and castles built of matresses and draperies as we got drunk on red blood ribena and goreish tales where we saved the world, the universe, and all our stuffed toys all in the same day. And then there was this day where I was writing fiction on to my journal (liar's poker practice) and somehow, I fell asleep and woke up with a fever not knowing where I was.
Even now when I remember it
It says my bedroom was pink with a vine design
and it was cold
but that can't be true - because the I was sleeping on the bottom floor of the double decker and the sheets were cream.
Still.....
I remember it as pink.
Pink: salmon pink with a touch of milk. Chinese peony pink.
Strange how my memories seem to work
They seem to overlap, overlay
even though I know which one is true
I somehow conjure another universe.
Like memories I shouldn't have. Is it normal to remember the room of your sister's ultrasound scan? And that you were only 2? And the room was green with a white border of animals, and there was jelly (minty, antiseptic-smelling and cold) on your mother's skin as a white tubed ball ran over her bulging abdomen? Is it right to remember things that people mostly forgotten?
summer don't know me
your cricket sings from
that dying wheat
don't stop your feet
from running afar
if you do that
no one can find you
saw that day
where you lost your mind
tell me you're fine
and i'll hold you warm tonight
I believe that I'm suffering from Koreandrama withdrawl symptoms. Doctor, I think I need a daily dose of nonsense that doesn't require thinking or *gag* metacognition because I suffer from Cognitocitis - and it prevents me from doing smart things and resorting to impluses because after a while, the agony of thinking is just too frikkin much.
hello doctor?
you there?
3825-968
is the number delivered
to you; for you to call
hello to the hell
I should spend less time around people who play mindgames (except that I just learnt a new one. great tsu! *ironic applause*) But I am sick of thinking and figuring. I wish sometimes that when I was born, someone gave me a rulebook called How To Live: Essentials 101#. So I won't do anything too stupid or make so many repeated mistakes.
There are devils lurking in my dreams now
devils.........*snort*
well at the same time I dreamt of tartan and btssb
I suppose that makes up for it.
Although I still want to dial 3825-968
Like some jigoku shojo syndrome
Anyway it's 12am, and I have school tomorrow
love 3825-968
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:19 a.m.+
itoshiroishiroi
Listening to: aircon
I'm tired and my head hurts so I'm going to keep it short, and try to prevent as many grammatical errors as possible.
Went out with audy today which was wonderfully nice. The weather was apporiately cold-ish, which suited me fine although it problably made me even sicker than yesterday. On the bright note, The Hat is totally sewn and made and I'll post pictures after sakky's birthday cos it's no fun if she sees it already here.
Dinner with dad, which was rather amusing. He promised me that he'll buy whatever I wanted if I could get into Imperial College (which is a rather realistic goal if I work hard, keep up with the resume-increment and get my NYAA) Unfortunately it's also rather pointless for me, because while I want a lot of things - there isn't much that I *really* want that can be bought. I want intangible things - love, companions, friends, stability and affection. Not nessescarily buy-able things. I thought of asking for a Porsche or an apartment or the entire sailor collection of Meta or gold bars or even cold hard cash and........I figured I didn't really want them.
Sad huh?
To not to be able to escape into retail realities.
Can't even swim in money.
In the end I'll problably ask for a sewing machine, a serger and yards and yards of tartan material + trimming. Or a promise of investment.
My head hurts.
I quite like this layout - never used though I made it last year because of too many to use. I think of nightmares that go crunch instead of boo and how the pyschedelico blends in with hallucinary hatred and ficticious laughter and limp manniquin eyes. I think of chaotic voids and blank fury and swirling mindlessness....a paradoxical complex of layered emotions that are detached and intense; an intense detachment like the layers of toilet paper that wipe the scum of the arse. Ah...anal retentive.
Of all the things I remember off Joseph Conrad was his love of the word: Erebus which is the greek gates of hell. A type of doom, like a type of dog with mawling teeth and gashing saliva. And somehow I feel like I'm somewhere hovering inbetween - a mosquito, a tastelessly small victim, a gnat. Clinging on to wet fur with stinking fear and watching all the smart ones get eaten up with both a curious sense of dread and wonderment that I'm alive.
Liqourice that smells like smoke or smoke that smells of liqourice just makes me want to fall into someone else's jacket and bury my head and cry. So smallkid-like. Like is like a laconic use of like which you like, problably not get but like, I don't care cos like, I like using like. In like, a sardonic way. And that was about 20 likes in a paragraph without actually like, liking anything.
I think my attitude of amusement is all wrong.
As sak says, we need to be more feeling.
But feeling is disgusting when applied to the wrong people.
shikata nai[noun][shi'ka'ta naei]
which means:
1. no choice
2. just endure it
3. what else can you do?
Am I overly detached to the point of irony?
Problably.
Do I feel guilty?
Little.
Do I care?
Not really.
Amusement after all, is a highly useful distancing tool. You angry at me? Well, I laugh at you cos you look really silly screaming like that. You don't like me? I laugh at you too, because it shows that you mean nothing to me. You think I'm crazy? Well, I'm laughing too.
Provoke all you like, because all you get is laughter.
LOL <----most useful abbreviation ever invented.
xD <-----most undescriptive yet emotional smiley.
MSN <----most useful lying-kit forefather.
I need panadol, sleep and something else to do before I drive myself crazy up the proverbial wall. If it reassures anyone of anything, I can't stand too much of myself either. After a while, I just become sick of being me. Which is why I take so long to understand the whole I am I thing because I'm never very happy with the whole idea anyway. Sorry Kyo, you just don't appeal to the escapist in me. (which is always lurking over there in the corner.)
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
*sighs*
I hate school.
I hate school.
Sorry for sounding unpatriotic, I hate school.
With a loathing, disgust and horror that I never let any of the Student Councilers (many which I know, some which are in my class). I try not to let them know (do I really want Xiao An, Graham, Jared, Vanessa Ann, Pinkie, Christine etc to feel hurt and run after my blood?) I'm ingrateful to the councilors, hypocritical (and therefore snidely mocking) towards most of my teachers, detached from most students, somewhat rude bordering on defiant and wonderfully tactless and analytical when it comes to critique. Why?
Because I can.
childish I know, but do I particularly care?
Self-awareness I realize, does not make you exceptionally intelligent. It just makes you more guilty after doing it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:59 a.m.+
