So the last few days is all about eating, eating, EATING and zi pais. Zi pais for d_l, and eatings for us. I made ricotta and spinach triangles, octopus stew, fish soup (christened by JW as Buddha Sleeps With The Fishes) and chive/cheese and ham rolls. Remarkably easy, and went down like hot cakes.
Really want to make a chocolate/pear tart though, it looks so delicious! Need to buy a pie tin soon...
Octopus stew was really easy and quick to make; it's in season now and I love seafood but I hate paying high prices for it. Plus that day, I remember waking up with a craving for squid......the problem being that all the squid in aust is expensive and not fresh - it comes in frozen tubes! (gross) So I bought octopus. To be absolutely honest, I don't really know how to cook it so I just tikam'ed and it turned out fine. Butter, garlic, soy and sugar - once it's gooey and thickened turn the heat down and add octopus. Let it simmer and add a bit of shaoxing. Once it's done add chilli, some veg and stew it lightly. It's done when everything is perfectly glazed.
Then went to watch AveQ yesterday and eat xiaolongbaos~ YAY for proper northern chinese food!! I also had the dong po pork which was delicious, and almond jelly which I missed and was also delicious<3 Anyway it was really great :D I liked AveQ as well, the songs were hilarious (and so relatable!) hahahah we made JW facepalm several times on the way home too
Then today made fish soup and chive/cheese/ham rolls. The rolls were kinda an accident because I had leftover puff pastry, and didn't want to waste. So I rolled it out, spread chive/cream cheese/garlic on it and added ham slices and made it into tiny rolls - like swiss rolls. Baked it for 20mins and they came out perfect! or at least, the first 2 batches did ^^;;;; I totally forgot about the 3rd one, so they came out a bit more burnt :/ tasted good anyway~ they're all gone now! In a day! D: all 24 rolls of them! (kitty ate'em)
Then since Natz was coming over for dinner, made fish soup. Fry trout head with oil, garlic, ginger then boiled with 2 spoons of red miso and tsuyu to make stock. Added octopus, scallops, fish slices, tomato and veg.....extremely delicious, it's almost all gone now! I poured the extra eggwash in too, it really makes it richer~ I'm a total miso convert for stock now, it's really perfect for making a winter warming soup<3333 so delicious! and rich!
I feel like making something sweeter now though, tomorrow I'm going to buy a pie tin and maybe make a gaunche/pear tart....or some kind of fruit/chocolate tart. I think a strawberry version would be seriously delicious as well! Mostly I'm looking at Jamie Oliver's version. I know I know, he's kinda annoying...but I like the inclusion of almond meal and it has real chocolate as opposed to cocoa powder. Also, green&black has an offer for chocolate now (2 huge bars for $5) and we've been eating EXCELLANT grade chocolate xDDD
OK things to get before I can go baking-crazy:
- pie tin
- weighing scale
- pastry brush
So far I've managed to bake just by guesswork and estimation, but I would really like these things. A pie tin or even muffin tins would be great because I can only bake in the BIG pan which is hueg liek xbox....tempted to get small ramikins to make fondant chocolate too. It's a horrifyingly girly hobby to bake, I think but I can't stop!
I think I'll divide my pastry. I'll make half/half. I'll fill one set with chocolate and raspberry, the other which chicken and avocado so EVERYONE will be happy :D yeah....go me!
I should really get more puff pastry though, shortcrust is harder to work with methinks D: I'm just too lazy to bake blind first before filling it up, although a chocolate gauche tart is sounding more and more tempting by day...
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:01 a.m.+
Urgh I feel sick. Sick in the way that should make me worried - daily nausea, stomach cramps, migraines, gas bloating and bad blood circulation. If I didn't know better I'd say I was preganant, except the only person I've recently slept with is bearbear *lol* but the daily nausea is really getting to me. I can't even brush my teeth without wanting to puke my guts out anymore - the taste of mint just makes me ill thinking about it.
Finally finished with the main deadlines, my last exam is on the 24th so I have a bit of a breather inbetween (Thank God). It's just been a blur - the web project; we ran in the rain and got totally soaked and I ended up sleeping outside the office because I was so tired. It was so cold. Rain, wind, hail, cloud repeat. It's been like that every day, deary and wet and godforsakenly desolate. Then the screening the next day, that was a rush too. Met up with everyone in the business and shook a lot of hands and got kissed on the cheek a lot and Sam looked as dapper as usual, Jian was as nervous as I was and natz/audy/jw was there as well to watch. Went for drinks at Misty's then moved on to 1806 where we got totally absolutely trashed. Then a lot of drunken tweeting happened x_x
wow fuck, it's 5 degrees now or so says BOM
hello we are not even in the deep of winter
IT'S STILL JUNE GODDAMNIT D:
Anyway half the reason why my mood is totally _down_ is because I think I might have overpromised someone I can't achieve. Today jiawei and i went to the melbourne printing press museum and it was really great - really amazing with lots of things like print presses from 1854 and typesets and IRL fonts and linotype machines. The thing is that all of it is going to be destroyed or closed down soon unless they find enough donors and sponsors and IDK WHYYYY but I said I would try to help.
SO NOW I HAVE TO HELP.
I've thought of several ways; mircodonations via paypal, updating their website, doing a facebook cause but I don't know if I have the capabilities of doing everything myself. I want to, but I *am* nervous as fuck as well. What they need is a full-time publicist, not a half-assed media student. I'm going to try anyway and do my best, but before I can do that I need - I need someone to believe in me first. I really want to talk it through with aya or mom and see what they think, maybe....
I don't want to make people disapppointed, at the same time it would be such a waste to see everything disappear because of disorganisation and too much pride. I'm going to sleep it through, talk to mom and aya tomorrow THEN write an email....oh man, first day of my holiday and I get myself into deep shit again. But hey, the last time I was in deep shit it turned out well, didn't it?
Lunch with elizabeth r. today, it was okay. Not too bad. Then dinner at the place in Footscary yadayada.....I'm just tired. I'm tired of working so hard, but I can't give up now and I keep feeling like I'm the only person who is optimistic here, and I can't be the *only* one who sees it that way. Maybe jiawei's attitude is getting to me IDK I just want less cynicism and maybe someone who is willing to cheer me up as well
should sleep soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:12 a.m.+
More Chet Baker, only coupled with Lily ChouChou OST and Johnette Napolitan. Problem? It's 6am and I'm still awake, reading on P2P and swarm intelligence. If I had any intelligence I would be sleeping, but I can't sleep - so I'm doing academic readings. My essay is due on Tuesday anyway, so it's not like I can do much else. Just reading after reading after reading....I feel like my eyes are going to swim at one point, and I'll be grateful if I can survive this weekend into some sembleance of shape. There's just 2 more assignments left and then an exam - so I just need to get it over and done with.
I'm learning a lot actually, but I've never been good at organizing, and this hasn't really changed. I did finish coding the website for it, so I'm quite glad in that sense but yeahhhhhhhhh....Life is full of balls man :/ Anyway my site is all pretty and green and not really the digital dystopia I imagined, but ah fuck - P2P is all about being rhizomic and nice and dandy and all that love right?
Been twittering a lot, but twitter is just what it is - twitter. It says what I'm doing but not what I'm thinking, or even if it is - doesn't really convey the subtlities which I feel. Like I feel tired and worried for the future, I worry about my grades and internships and even something as meaningless as what do I wear for work, since everything I own is mostly lolita? I also don't really want to grow up, I feel horrified at being 21 and the future looms like a gawping maw of WTF. At the same time, I don't really want a future as an academic, even if my tutors think so. Pretty funny but mike gave me this pdf. readings on latest research, and yeahhhhhhhhhhh @_@ holyshit am I supposed to read that? I did anyway, since it's like paid document and I didn't fork a cent for it - now I'm filesharing it to whoever wants though
Am struggling to read all the files on P2P, someone download it straight into my brain please D:
Spent international loli-day in.....flannel pajamas. YEAH. SO COOL RITE? lol~ I can't really be arsed when I have to read fordism and lean economy and shit and have stuff due - but I *did* prance around in my fairywish dress after I bathed though, just for a while :D I love that dress! It's so full of <33333333333 and so comfortable and soft and cute~ the lace is so beautiful as well, and now that I got it drycleaned I feel much happier about the condition (not to mention the seller gave me a 150 refund; so I technically got the dress for 50 xD) I also need to do a closet clearout soon, but yeahhhh after assignments please! Dx
Am thinking of getting that low-waist VM JSK comissioned...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I rarely wear classic but OMG I love that dress but hmmmmmmmmmm I'm liek totally brandwh0re usually lol xD but yeah, why not? Maybe I should get it in green or navy or something, it could be really fugly or absolutely gorgeous, if the comissioning is right. If I get it in black I could wear it to work and stuff too maybe? IDK. What do people usually wear to work? I usually wore skirts, but if I have to saikang then pants is better.
Need more shoes too urgh. I have such trouble buying shoes wtffffffffff the only stuff that fits me is fake AP replicas but damnit they're really worth the money since I've worn mine to death and they're still so freakin' comfortable. Need to get a size down though, I could probably get away with an S cos my M have insoles and socks
OK time to sleep. sun's up and it's 6.30! Dx
another round of reaings in 8hrs
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:00 a.m.+
I'm listening to Chet Baker: stay little valentine//stay It flows; silky soft and sweet and husky and dry like cups of tea and naked lightbulbs and cracked, peeling paint walls like faded photographs filled with ghostly nostalgia. Tea and porcelain cups, cups like the kind my grandmother has - white with brown and gold rims in geomatrics, small and cream as they sit on their little brown plates.
Thursday I was at Ceres. Walked up and down Murray Creek with the drizzle like a tiny pissing God, or perhaps fog. The mud and dirt and rocks and chickens and chasing roosters down the track, and grimly helpful workers in glowing orange work-vests sitting in circles; all like coloured shadows in the softly falling rain. Polaroids; lettuce and chickens and seedlings and blurred underexposed creeks and trees like postcards and mandarin ducks in formations. The air smells clean and sweet, sweet like pine and liqourice and freshness - so clean and pure you drink mouthfuls of clean, sweet air like a person who has never drunk water before. You can't believe it, this place like a fairytale secret garden just a few metres away from the main street.
Then went to uni and did work - well, at least we tried. Downloaded so many readings, and now I'm trying to read through them all x_X I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out of their sockets soon. Oh dear, why is everyone so cheong-hei? Succint, please. Then gave up and watched GIS-SAC under the guise of 'schoolwork'. I mean c'mon! It's network and cybernetics and identity and TEH RHIZOME all ain't it? Anyway, I would pay to see Major Kusanagi kick some mdieter ass. Liek, srsly *_* It would be both entertaining and strangely fufilling. Also watched a bit of Lain (TEH WIRED) and Evangelion (TEH ORIGINAL /B/) and made a lot of bad, otaku-worthy jokes about spamming Major's boobs all over hypertextual essays and then watched Kuroshitsuji
Kuroshitsuji is pretty boring. I'll rather watch Count Cain than that - if hakushaku Cain was ever made into an anime that is. The only thing it has going is the pretty artwork and nice jackets and tea/cakes that Sebastian provides. I'm pissed off they didn't even show the scene where Ciel accepts Sebastian's contract so it feels totally cheat your feelings :/ Ended up walking home at 3am in the morning, a cold and ugodly experience hopefully never to be repeated again.
Went for consultation today, ran into a bunch of m/ctards; some nice, some not, some totally annoying as fuck. Bitch took my reader and never returned, and the fucking thing is due on Tuesday with *NO* exemptions/extentions since it's treated like a fucking exam. Damnit yea I'm pissed :/ but I did meet some nice people; a Racheal and a Sophie - one from China, the other doing a double major in Commerce. Sophie was pretty nice actually, telling me about how to get internships and stuff. Finished consulting and paled when I realised that Mike was walking in the same direction as I was - to Animal Orchestra. Fuckit. So I did a takeaway chai+icecream instead of staying there to read The Beach and hid in the maclab for a bit.
Went home, stopped by the fishmongers and bought a bag of scallops, mussels and some fish. Then went home to cook. OMG SCALLOPS. I decided to be selfish and not share for a change, considering I didn't have any lunch and needed a break. Seafood is like a kind of high, so all of us were nice and full from dinner and buttered mussels. It tasted really good, although it was a bit of work to de-beard, de-grit and scrub the shit out of the mussels. I think I did a good job of it though, since they smelt clean and briny without the ammonia-like piss stink they have sometimes when not washed properly.
Off to sleep now, I think JW is going to drag me to ceres tomorrow at 10am too for interviewing. Wonder if I can beg it off and not go? I'm really tired #_#
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:22 a.m.+
Life is a strange, stranger dream. Sometimes I walk home; breathing in the mist and fog, the lamplights like gaslights and I half expect it - horse carriages clackityclack over cobblestone streets but then there's cars too, fumigating and thick. Half dream, half reality I keep wondering when will it be all gone, in waking up.
Watching GIS and kuroshitsuji under the guise of 'doing work'. I finished the feature yesterday thankfully, so now there's the report and webpage left to do only. I'm tired and sick of it though, thinking about it only makes my head hurt. I keep wandering into other things: wishing for this to be over for one thing......there's lights and crazyness and jukebox bokeh; like scattering wings of migrating butterflies. I also really want Ciel's top hat, jacket and coat in ep 10. OH GOD I LOVE THAT TEAL COAT. WHY DON'T THEY HAVE IT IN MY SIZE? anyway. um. yeah. studying and work.
Went to the farm today at Ceres and it was pretty an cute and lovely~ just so nice to breathe in fresh air after dying out here. The place is so scenic and beautiful it's unbelievable<3333 I want to have a picnic there! Maybe, one day in spring. Then now I'm in complab and dl'ed like all the documents needed for reading. To go for consultation or not tomorrow? We'll see.
Going home now, I'm tired beyond belief. Still have a 40min walk back :/
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:54 a.m.+
drained. I feel drained like a squeezed out sponge, laid panting and bare on a glistening beach - a dying husk mislaid.
Just tired. I spent a day around people with broken lives but big hearts and warm advice; but I can't seem to get over the alcoholism, abusiveness, joblessness and sheer irrelevance of life. There's a guy in the park who sleeps with squirrels and he's homeless - he used to be an accountant before his wife left him, broken. There's a patissier out there who makes choux pastries who became bankrupt during a 6 year divorce and sees his son only twice a year. There's a man who ran away from home aged 13; survived on the streets and was jobless for 6 years. There's a nurse, 24 - young and pretty and spirited and works in a volunteer because she belives in hands up and not hands out and tells me that they come in and go out and some of them never return.
I can't deal with this - I can't. How can I do justice to these stories, these interviews, these people? How can I put their lives between 1200 lines of pointless prose, and not feel anything for them? How can a journalist listen, and not take sides?
It's not just the fatigue of writing, it's the emotional toll it takes on you - when you interview them, it's not just about them talking....you have to give up a piece of yourself too. They need to feel safe and reassured, they need your empathy and yourself. 3 interviews and I'm dead. How can people do this every day? So bleak. I feel like my soul has gone through the confessional laundry thrice.
Bought another book - Alex Garland's the beach. Yes yes, I know I have it in SG as well, but it's just so comforting to read it. Jed and Sal and Daffy and Vietnam and the island of heaven and hell. Probably going to shower and sleep soon, there's no point agonising over the feature when I don't have the heart to write it. Not to mention I'm still waiting for the Big Issue editor to reply me....
*sighs*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:09 p.m.+
So ummm I probably shouldn't have read Procession of Dead at night - it wasn't scary per se (it's labelled science fiction) but just creepy as fuck. So after a tiring nap of tossing 1.5hrs I'm awake and still tired and also unable to sleep.
maybe I should've stuck to philip k. dick :/
Right now I'm just operating on 'get it off my mind' mode which means looking at pretty, cute things and thinking only of pretty, cute things and being as shallow as possible.
uhhhh talk more tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:24 a.m.+
Woah lost an entry there....argh I wish this computer had a resume/autosave function ;___; now all my entries is lost. Anyway, short recap:
Stumbled into uni after 4hrs of sleep on Thursday, drained as fuck. Thank God for lattes with 3 sugars and Leigh Tilson, finally handed up the zombie flick and it seems quite well recieved.....if scary as fuck. I find it scary too, so yeahhhh >_> honestly though, what kind of director gets scared of her own film? It's like a frankenmovie or something!
Walked a level up (5th floor) and dived straight into media/everyday asia and Jeremy basically told us what was going in the exam; he practically wrote down all the word definitions that would be asked during the 'unseen' section of the exam (d00de, seriously?) and told us the exam qns were on LMS (discussion ones). I'm not overly worried about that one since it's all the way on the 24th June, plus the grades I got for the essay was good enough to gaurentee a H3 even if I flunk it. Hot guy wasn't at tute though, but ah well - I can live with that LOL anyway knowing how incesteous the arts faculty is, I'll probably run into him again.
Walked straight to John Medley after that (do you get the feeling that my Thursdays are the busiest of the week?) for consultation with Mike. I came up with a kind-of theory which I wasn't really sure if it was good or not.....it's hard when you're talking only to yourself, and jiawei was incacipated in her ability cos she was racing to finish her overdue feature. I really need someone to bounce ideas off because I'm just that type.....if I don't I tend to confuse myself and turn into a cesspool of mess. Anyway it seems like I was on the right track :D I'm kinda happy because I really do like Lefebvre, it's something I can really understand because it's space - and art is always about spaces (thank you mr james) So I can really understand it that way as opposed to a more politically orientated approach.
Tute was boring as fuck though, not surprising. Mike is a pretty shit tutor, he's really better as a consulting tutor than a general one since he's kinda unfocused and really bad at explaining. Did more Amaya shit - I really don't understand these people, why can't they just steal some code, mod it or just read w3schools tutorials? Logic, me no get Dx Then afterwards we went for End-Of-Semester drinks which was kinda funny. I tried my first jagerbomb which is redbull, vodka + beer......at first it sounded really gross cos mike was going on this long irrelevant story about bull testicles and some random shit but after being reassured by fellow m/cers, it tasted ok. You basically drop the vodka/redbull shot into a pint of beer and skull the stuff down. Tastes like cough syrup, and didn't really have any effect on me. Supposed to give you a burst of energy. Weird.
I think mike was expecting some kind of cosmic explosion (or as he called it: 'throwing petrol into a bonfire') but I don't think he gets that not everyone is a repressed person, so alcohol really doesn't make me spew shit or say anything embarassing except make me feel sleepy. LOL, jiawei says I react like a 10 year old but mike isn't really that smart outside academic writing. Cakes are the trail to destruction, not alcohol! But yeah, no point glancing at me d00de I'll just feel like curling up and sleeping.
It was fun making him squirm infront of tom applerly and sean cubitt the pubic! xDDDDDD;;; I feel so slightly evil hehehehehhe~
Met up with Natz for cirque du soliel, the big top is yellow and blue this time! LOL, I thought it'll be green and orange since dralion seemed very green and orange to me~ but it was so cool anyway! I bought a huge bucket of cotton candy, and it was so delicious<3 I just really love the atmosphere of it. The thrilling excitement, the murmur of voices and the *sparklingness* of it. You want to be entertained. You expect to be entertained. Half the fun is really being there, under the big top :D As usual, Cirque du Soliel was brilliant. I love the contortionist, and my favourite was the flying duet by the couple in blue (representing element air). It's not my favourite (Quidam is) but it's just so fun and such beautiful, gloriously human art<333
On my tram home I ran into a lovely old lady as well, and she was really sweet and nice as we waited for the tram together. Then had scrambled eggs and furikake and koko crunch before sleeping
Friday - collected writing journalism assignments, really awful Dx I got a pass for the feature and a h3 for the soft news story.......the marking is really rigid for this subject, it's unbelievable. Scones at Animal Orchestra then controlled panic before the next deadline (tuesday next week) So scary Dx It seems like we're not the only ones having trouble though....yesterday while at the bar it seems like writing journo has been giving everyone Passes and H3s only. No one knows anyone who got H2A and above.
Now I'm at the comp lab accompanying jw as she races to finish the blog assignment, and I'm listening to Lady Gaga. So addictive! The mashups with britney are so much better than the original though, makes me wish they'll really collaborate together.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:24 p.m.+
Weird week continues; I'm hypertense and nervous now from a latte with 3 sugars. Like a shock, it makes me type messily - spelling mistakes and mistypes and all. It makes me feel disjointed; like a defragged computer trying to find old routes where there are none.
Got my phone via EMS speedpost; then Temporal talk at Town Hall, dinner at Sushi Masa and the JElookalike chef was so cute and nice, and he even called me an 'ojousan' LOL.....first time anyone's ever called me that. (usually it's okyasama right?) Yesterday rushed film editing, and now it's called After Dark. It's a really weird film though, I keep thinking of staccato beats and echoes...like the opening of Nature Boy. Like a swirl of green noise slurrying across like discs.....It's not like a bad thing, but I was really scared when I edited it because the staccato-ness of speeds + the weird mozart piano clusters was really grating and then a really sharp reverberated scream. Managed to get home before too late though, so was less scared.
Talking about scary things, there was a really strange incident last Sunday outside my place. Down at Brunswick junction (where the crossing is before Barkly Sq) there was a stabbing/murder outside the 7/11. The weird part is that the guy got stabbed when surrounded by a bunch of women and none of the women were hurt. Stab-and-run kinda thing? It's odd because no motives or what was listed, and the entire case screams of DODGY COVERUP???????! yeahhh....@____@ don't really know what to think. Parkville is generally a quiet neighbourhood, so it's very odd indeed.
Showed After Dark today at the preview screening, everyone liked it especially the ending. Considering I edited it overnight in a day, it's not too bad. I wish I could polish it more but ah well, done is done. Mostly I want to make the sound transitions less discordant and smooth out a bit in the beginning of the zombie shuffle bit but the moment it hits the mozart bit it's better. the ending is really the strongest part of the film though, which is great since i'm the last to show :DDDDD
Last tutes of the week, it's great. After media production went for Jeremy's tute which is basically 'HELLO WE R TELLING U WHAT THE EXAM QNS ARE! :D'.....how obvious can you get? I did get a lot of tie-ins from net comn and media asia, so I'm quite happy. Possibly I can use it as a case study and do a c/f. on new media theories...hmm?
So it's 1 sub down, and 2 assignments complete. I'm frankly relieved, I just want to get this semester over and done with. Watching Cirque du Soliel tonight, which is GREAT! because I so need a break before my brain breaks. I want a holiday ;___;
KK back to tute
Talk more tonight
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:45 p.m.+
post its hanging on my wall.....
...and I realise I cannot work without Post It notes. I have a stack of them next to my laptop where I write stuff to do, then stick it on my screen so it's the first thing I see when I glance at my desk. It's also strangely fufilling to strike stuff out when you're done, almost like a 'yosh! one down!' feeling.
Busy and tired; so I took a day off yesterday just slacking and sleeping. I slept a good 14 hours, not including naps. Then I did a lot of cleaning and wrote down lists for stuff to do - and the next day, I really did them :D also, my skin looks less stressed and cleared up (thank god) I really do look better though. Last week was just so stressful that I felt like a mess and looked like one...so one of the things on my list was to: 'dress pretty and feel better' and I really do feel better. Lolita helps, somehow
Did some preliminary editing, but I think it's still not good enough x____X much harder than I expected, but I got some really cool staccato effects by playing with the speeds. So anyway, zombie!attack is beginning to look more and more Lynch-like, which means I have to be subtle....since we're aiming for subtlty, best not to wear AP because that always makes me feel like adding another layer. and another. and another :x tomorrow is saikang day though, so must dress comfortably and be prepared for rain, cold weather and walking home at 2am :(
On to less pressing matters, I have found out the awesomeness known as shaping underwear~ I found it during the tights sale section and it basically 'holds' your fats in and then there are NO WAISTBAND OR WAIST CREASES ON THE DRESS! *_________________* you know how awesome that is? 'cause I really hate it when waistbands crease when you sit down or stand, it just looks really awful even though the skirt/dress isn't even tight D: anyway, highwaisted shapers= amazing. I'm even contemplating on getting a corset because I really like the look. I like that smooth fall of fabric uncreased. It looks very fitted and sleek<3
Folded half the clothes, will do the rest tomorrow and maybe ironing on the weekend.
should sleep soon, need to wake up at a godforsaken hour tmr to START WORK(!).
but OK, this week is turning out better than last~ I hope it stays that way!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:06 a.m.+
Lost my handphone, am now distressed. Other than that, it's been a pretty bad week and I absolutely cannot wait to get life over and done with. Bright spots are: chocolate + toast + thickened cream, persimmons, not-too-cold weather and clean laundry. Everything else sucks :/
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:02 a.m.+
FILM TURNED OUT TO BE ONLY 2 STOPS OVEREXPOSED SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM WOOHOO! AM I A GENIUS OR WHAT?
actually I was just super lucky, but I'm so relieved and thankful I don't even care. Had lunch at Animal Orchestra, then walked to the city to do a bit of shopping. Ended up with a purple crepe silk dress and 2 pairs of tights<3 the dress was on offer and omg SO PRETTY! It's so soft and beautiful and I can't stop touching it<3
Folding my 3 months' worth of laundry now. It's insane, but yeahhhhhh I also bought fabric for my hat, once I have time to sew. So, folding clothes now @_@ there's a lot of it, but I think I needed to do it anyway. It's a good oppotunity to rearrange my closet for winter wear, and I like seeing everything neatly hung and folded. Plus, I can now gauge what I need to sell/can sell.
My skin has also been like crap, but THANK YOU! for face shop masks (btw aya can get some more for me?) I really hate having awful skin because I don't wear makeup, so having good skin is really important. I love my new lip balm though, it tastes just like plum jam *_*
Dollar is down against the yen....WHY? D:! I need to pay off crescent so I can order Aya's stuff, but I won't do it when it's 88yen to a dollar. That's insane, especially since the markets have been flucuating so much that you never know when it may rise or fall again. OBAMA POWER!!! I wish they'll do something about the confidence though - they should just let him close gutanamo bay simply because it makes him look like a doer instead of a talker, and restore a bit more consumer/investor confidence that his massive deficit salvage plan would work.
OK back to folding clothes~ TPG please remain stable! Dx
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:52 p.m.+
Tired. I feel drained and strangely inhuman; awake enough to be on autopilot, but sleepy enough to not care. It's like being trapped in a state of wakefulness, a kind of complusion to not move from where I am - because upstairs is dark and cold even though I'm halfasleep already; typing.
Today was the meeting. Long and boring, boring and long. What do you expect? I feel like I wasted my time, and I suspect that Leigh doesn't like me. It makes me a even more reluctant, and I can feel it on my nerves when he picks on me. I feel awkward and unsure, I want to wrap myself with blankets and never crawl out of the warm cocoon and perhaps if I closed my eyes long enough everything will right itself again.
There's light and dark and when I blink - the laptop screen shifts slightly, a flicker of prism colours spanning across. Small spectrum, tired eyes.
The tireder I get, the more sensitive to noise I become it seems. I hate bright lights, I hate loud sounds, I can barely tolerate the TV on and it makes me testy and irritable like the edge of a migraine that is coming but not quite there yet. Watching Star Trek on IMAX today was great, but now I feel even more drained than ever. Something about being so immersed in a big screen, the drowning sensation of a wider perception - makes me feel a bit dizzy and sick, in a way rollacoasters don't. It's a kind of sick you get when you can't quite comprehend what is happening because images are moving too wide and too fast and Spock's nose is suddenly the span of human height.
Things to do: send the modem off, send aya's dress + letter, pay water bills, write up a list of reciepts, buy circuit breakers and sleep properly. It is terrible timing for the house to be out of electricity because I have a lot of unwashed laundry, and running out of clothes/is out of clothes. I've taken to rewearing, but it can't go on forever......distastefully. Anyway, I've handwashed some underwear to hold stead for a while, but hopefully the problem will be fixed as soon as possible.
I'm going off to sleep now, and bathe. Sitting next to jiawei is really noisy, don't know why some people like to talk to their computer screens :x
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:20 a.m.+
I dread seeing the 16mm film because I know it'll be overexposed by 4 stops. At the same time, I can't really afford to reshoot unless I drive myself into the mars bar + redbull + coke diet and spend another 24hrs in the lab editing. Horrors. I'm really scared. I know my video/animation is near perfect, it's so slick and polished and produced that it could've been straight out an ad. I'm kicking myself for not metering the light, and now *no one* has replied my emails yet and verging on a panic attack.
Oh Alexander Rybak, pls be giving me a fairytale ;____;
I know I should be focussing more on work instead, but I can't seem to. I just procastinate by putting a lot of effort into Arabesque, updating my twitter and playing bejeweled or just hanging out with people. Like I should be working, but instead I'm watching Billy Elliot, Star Trek (IMAX!) and Cirque du Soliel. I know I have to keep calm and steady to work properly, but this is making me verge on major panic mode
Actually I'm quite glad, I managed to finish the article in time. I was really worried because I only started on Thursday and handed it up on Tuesday. I did my interviews on Monday and Friday (all 4 of them) because most bearucrats don't work on weekends and wrote it *AND* handed it up on Tuesday. It is probably crappy and shitty as an article, and my lead is so inflammtory that I'm probably being overly offensive but fuck if I care. Also earned $5 for turning up for the EconExperi thing, which is cool and easy money.
To be honest, I rushed it so much because I knew if I didn't finish it by Tuesday afternoon I would be really nervous and not be able to watch Billy Elliot properly or enjoy Star Trek the next day. I hate leaving work undone, and even if half of it is BS I really *really* want to finish it on time. One of my work resolutions was to handup all my work on time, especially after last year's fiasco where I missed my H1s by handing up late.
Now, I'm just SUPER SUPER SUPER worried about the film one. My worry is so great I can feel the tension across my shoulders, because I hate handing up shit. I really hate it. but ARGHHHHH TIME TIME TIME I NEED MORE TIME. I don't really care about handing it up late, but the thing is I really need it ON TIME because of the screening. If I don't get it in by then, I won't be screened. At the same time I don't want to screen shit, so maybe it's better to not screen at all.
Billy Elliot was great BTW. SO AMAZING. The dancing was beautiful, and the music was great. The political background was dramatic, and very funny yet sentimental at the same time. It's cute, basically. A bit pedo, but super cute. I would watch it again if someone bought me a ticket lol
OK have to wake up at 8am tmr
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:09 a.m.+
Tired, bored and in tute. This week has been horrifying busy, literally 'horrifying' and 'busy'. The horrifying part is that I have an 800 word feature due on next Tuesday, most of which I have not fone - I only found out about the assignment on Wednesay. WIN. I'm also regretting agreeing to help Jian in his work, must have offended him by blowing him off yesterday but fucking hell, I have work to do.
Besides that, watched Star Trek with Jiawei on Tuesday. Star Trek is GREAT(!) but drama in the house is not. ARGH. At least now, audy's willing to learn and accept help. Before, she was being so stubborn that it was taking more effort to deal with her mistakes (which she could've easily recified if she just accepted our help and stopped trying to do everything on her own) I'm so sleepy and tired though, no idea how I'm going to last through a 2hr tute without feeling like falling over.
Impluse-bought a fairywish dress, because impluse buying is actually a really good form of procastination (besides depleting my bank account) and preparing to sell off stuff. I sold off the ichigo millefueille already (just sent it off today) and now I'm just culling what I don't need since I can already sense that winter is going to be a bitch. Woe, melbourne, woe.
Nap wantedddddddddd D:
feel like calling home, just getting tired of deadlines. The rest of the subjects are actually okay, it's just writing journalism that is causing me pure, undiluted hell. HELL. It makes me just cringe at the idea of ever being a journalist, and never ever want to be one now. ever. I would rather be a burger flipper than ever be a journalist.
naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP
=__________________=
napnapnapnapnapnapnapnapnap
i has a one track mind
need nap nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
mike pls stop talking so i can nap
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:15 p.m.+
a little hush
a little silence
a mite of time
a step in place
shudders-
to an exhaling breath
I am reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally tired. And my shoulders hurt. A lot. They hurt a lot being I was carrying the Big Fucker(tm) and the tripod, which makes it the Big Moth'fucker in totality. The total weight of this extended phallus is something like 25kg - roughly the weight of half a small Japanese girl or a very heavy suitcase. Pretty much suitcase weight, anyway.
SO FUCKING HEAVY. repeat for the next 6hrs
Rushed down for the zombie shuffle, and cursing. Met up with sefie, ditched jiawei by accident then ran around filming and well, filming. Tomorrow I'm going down Barkly Sq and getting a neck/head/shoulder massage but OMG PAINNNN DDDDDx anyway, it was great meeting with Sefie and then treated her to waffles at degraves for helping me~ and I got to drink orangina, yay! such a deliciously bubbly happy taste :D
Then yesterday was full of OMG. As in, the main fuse of the house broke, and then we had to call an electrican (in the rain, 10 degrees, 11.30PM!) who called the city grid, who called a power technician...etc etc It was a big fucking huge mess that cost $260 DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDx anyway it was all odd and funny and nutty at the same time - especially that strange moment when we were having supper with all the JE penlights surrounding us, talking about the Perfect Penis documentary.
Had sushi masa for dinner today and omgggggg~ it was so delicious ;_______; aji sashimi and the pickled salmon skin<33333333 and the gyutanshioyaki<3333 and the tataki<3333 omg such piggyness~ then went to the bookshop and bought some books to read as well....kind of anyway. I bought children's books! I really like Shaun Tan, he really tells such amazing concepts in kids books. Also did a bit of shopping and got a cheap white skirt+red top.
really tired now @_@
tomorrow - do washing, do groceries, check up readings, get a massage, film moar etc etc call mom! and hmmm..
ok am sleepy
nights
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:55 p.m.+
OMG I WANT KAME'S ANKLE BOOTS FROM QUEEN OF PIRATES CONCERT! D:!
Other than that, everyone in the house is bejeweled blitz addicted. Yesterday we had a 5hr+++ bejeweled session with everyone in the living room, sitting infront of the heater huddled before our laptops going 'plink!plink!plink!' as cascades of jewels fell down with ONE MINUTE LEFT.
hungryyyyy
wonton mee for dinner??
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:07 p.m.+
D: bejeweled 2 addiction is evil D: jw has 950 words, i have 450 words and audrey has a pile of readings and we're *ALL* procastinating and playing facebook bejeweled tournaments......
.....and our assignments are due tomorrow! in like, 12 hours! D:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+tsu waited for you at 01:57 a.m.+
knife dance at the end of the railway
in flashes of sliver and bleeding light
incandescent glows like the beat of fireflies
so it sang
coldly; away
Feeling better now, I think sleep and a bit of perspective helps. Yesterday was really shit though, I was kinda verging-on-tears when mom called, 'cause I just felt so horrible and couldn't stop walking up and down the staircase since I was so nervous. The older I grow, the more nervous I become I think.....with great responsibility comes great anxiety, it seems.
Jazz festival today, was late-ish but caught The Vampires (from Sydney) and managed to get an interview yay! One more assignment on clearance. By the 5th I would be a free-er person thankfully<33333333333333 And then Leigh confirmed that we're really going to be in ACMI (Australian Centre for Moving Image) and omg so excitinggggggggg!!<3333 Besides that, I bought a couple more turtlenecks from Target for cheap, because it's so fucking cold DDDD: It's already snowing in Mt Buller (45cm) and it's still AUTUMN D:
Actually, I know it's really really colder (possibly even more than what the BOM is reporting) because a few nights ago when walking home the dew actually froze enough for me to go 'crunch crunch' when I walked on the grass. It's not snowing in the city, but definitely frost yea :/ We're stocking up on winter stuff like wool tights and flannel sweaters and turtlenecks like no tomorrow......it's really becoming impossibly cold here
Can't remember if I mentioned it, but I made Ratatouille a few nights ago - Australian style! I changed a bit of it though, added pumpkin and cheese topping as well as skipping out capscicum. I figured it's basically an autumn veg dish, and I'll just use whatever is Melbourne's produce as opposed to France Provencal. Anyway it was pretty awesome, and the thing is it actually tastes better after a few days than immediately *____* great winter warmer! Tomorrow I'll cook lamb shank or some kind of stewed meat again; that kind of thing is easy and goes down well with the house (as well as keeping excellantly and tasting good over time) Plus in winter you tend to crave stuff like this.
Going to the market tomorrow, sleeping now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:38 a.m.+
Hello there, I'm still in the computer lab. It's strange isn't it? I like being in here because it's an inbetween place. It's inbetween going home and staying out, comfortable yet cold - my fingers are slightly numb from tapping keys and though I'm inside, I can feel the wind cut through the glass like a chilly vibration.
I don't feel like going back or doing more work.....Getting a mere Pass for writing journalism really did upset me, and it didn't help that Jw was going on and on about how her H2B was too low and she could get a H1 if she just ------ I just didn't know what to say. I knew she didn't say it to hurt me, but at the same time I just really wanted to sit somewhere and cry because I put a lot of effort in all my subjects - even the ones I naturally dislike. It's even more worrying because there's a minimum of H2A for media subs to get into honours :/ At this rate, I might as well start flipping through classifieds for a burger job.
The truth is I'm really really really out-of-my-mind bonkers stressed. Stressed with a capital S. I haven't been sleeping properly because I keep worrying about my grades, I keep worrying if I'll ever get a job in this recession or if I have to go back home, or if I can even make it into postgrad honours. Work just seems to be piling up, and no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into it - I just can't seem to do well academically. Everyone is cheering me on, and I just feel like such a disappointment at times. Crumbling weight of expectations... yes?
It doesn't help that Audrey's been adding to it. She's being doing the same essay for the last THREE WEEKS and while it is her essay and her grades, living with a person constantly in essayhell is possibly the most uncomfortable the thing ever. And Jiawei can't stand it, so she bitches to me about how she just wants to tie audy to a chair and get her to focus and finish that fucking essay.....but since Jiawei never does anything, it's up to me to be the Bad Guy (tm) and so I'm stuck between a sullen audy and an equally disgruntled jiawei. Go me!
Besides that I worry about getting a job. I really need to get one this or next semester by hook or by crook because I have zero job experience in Australia. ZERO. No one's hiring when it's recession, at the same time I can't continue postgrad if my grades don't hit an average H2A. In all rights and purposes in a good economy I would be doing fine because I have more practical experience than anyone else in the course, but since life sucks and God is unfair - who's to say what's right in the world anymore?
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting so disheartened that at some point I'm just going to give up, and give in to the pressure.
The thing is that the only thing that sucks shit is Media/Comn. I got a really high grade for Japanese Pop. Culture, and equally high praise from Leigh regarding my video. It seems that I can do every single subject EXCEPT my major. I can't get the right polish, the right tone and sometimes I wonder what the fuck am I doing this? why am I doing this? WHAT IZ THIS SHIT?!
Reality hurts like a brain hemorrhage
I'm just not a good writer. I can't write news at all. I feel like I'm shoving myself into an unsuitable role, and trying to do something that I simply can't do - even if I wanted to. It's moments like this you realise how limited you are as a person; spirit is willing but flesh is weak - or perhaps that elusive talent just doesn't exist in you. It's a shit feeling alright, you just feel crummy and useless all over again - in the words of the father.....calling in your name
:( :( :( :(
The only bright spark in the entire semester is modes&codes production. I've really had fun learning how to use Final Cut; and showing in ACME is so exciting!!!!! *___________* Jian and I were talking about it today (he's in 3rd year doing Collab, and doing a film on Azn Invazn) and it's just really cool. We're having a private screening and inviting all the industry folks to view our work (there's sexy looking invites as well as a press kit for publicists) I'm excited and happy, but at the same time I'm really hoping that someone would pick my work up and hire me as well *dies* Like please please please please please pleaseee
My worst fear is that no matter how I try or how much effort I put into something, it will still fall short and disappoint people. When I do something, I want to be nothing but the best in it. Maybe not number 1# but at least it must be something I can do well.
.__________________.
right now though, it feels like everything is going to hell
I'm just really sick and tired right now. I'm tired of audrey's inability to focus on anything at all - sometimes I want to lash out: 'YES! I KNOW I TREAT YOU LIKE A 10 YEAR OLD BUT YOU DESERVE IT! because every time we give you even a single bit of responsibility you can't do it. You can't wake up when the door guy comes to repair the screen (and even forget about the appointment and say you didn't request for it). You can't finish your assignments. You don't even answer your handphone. You can't even buy the correct groceries for heaven's sake so why the hell should I trust you to do anything at all? On the same note, fucking try a little harder and stop being so lazy. If you need help, ask for it or look for university academic help center. It's just such a waste because if I had your talent and skill, I'll be picking up all those jobs requiring graphic design/website design and on my way to building a decent portfolio in australia.
In Jiawei's case, FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON WITH STRESS. Like, gee thanks for dragging me out at 4am in the fucking morning when I'm sick. Thanks for making me handle all the work when it comes to house administration - you bitch about Audrey not being able to do anything, but you're unwilling to answer the door and even BE THERE when TPG comes. In fact, could you please stop with the 'Can You Please Tell Audrey To....?' remarks? If you want to say anything, go tell her yourself because honestly I've washed my hands off her a long time ago. I'm not the one annoyed, *you* are. You tell me you have work due next week but I have to get this assignment done by TODAY, 4PM. And yet, I've been answering every single one of TPG's calls, organising all the bill payments and listening to you whine about how shitty your grades are. Yes yes, going for a birthday party and picking up film is so much work. Yes yes, getting a H2A really really sucks even though you got like - what? highest in class. I feel for you, I really do.
angerrrrrrrrrrrrrr
raaaaaageeeeeeee
Especially during lunch, I had to wrestle with the urge to just go FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST BE THERE FROM 2PM - 4PM! I can't be there, so BE THERE. It took me weeks to even get this appointment with TPG, so please appreciate the calls and all that ranting to the poor call centre girl.
....well, at least I got it off my chest. Relief?
I've just been so sick of it lately, especially with deadlines piling up like Jinga blocks
Being alone helps too, sometimes.
Just to be able to breathe is such a luxury
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:32 p.m.+
Slowly sinking down with a definite 'thud!' back on Earth :/ suddenly, I feel so miserable. I want a hug but jw is too stratchy and audy is unwashed :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:29 a.m.+
I'm happy suddenly - a spring of happiness like the sound of rain pattering on falling windowstills, and you're lying down with your face upturned to the sky and there's light falling through leaves so gently it sounds like the word: 'efferverscent' There's shadows dancing across bedsheets and snuggling down with the duvet tucked under the chin, and there it is - let's watch cloud migration
I love mornings, if only for the reason that I knew I could turn over and wake up in the afternoon.
Pleasures.....what could be better than that? Half caught in sleep and wakefulness, the body unfurls like a leaf into sunlight, the tender feet that presses lightly on the carpet as you take the first step into a brand new day. Breathe in, taste the sourness in the mouth and then you're so thankful, so very very thankful for being alive today.
To be honest, most of my days don't start like that. The last few weeks have been a mad-dash of work and more work piling like hay bales balancing on a camel's back and I've been running around frantic and still sick, doped up on pain and flu medication and working on automation. First on the list was ANZAC day, which meant waking up at 4am for dawn service at St Kilda Road......the ironic thing is that I'm not even involved in ANZAC day because it's not my subject (it's jiawei's) and the only reason why I went was because Jiawei kept bugging me to come since she worried it was only to be an All-White event (which it turned out to be). Anyway it was pretty interesting, if fucking cold. A very secular sort of mass, which thankfully came with a really cheap breakfast. It's also one of the few times I had baked beans on bread, eggs and sausages and when you're cold, hungry, thirsty nothing has ever tasted so delicious. I was really sick afterwards though..........it's not really smart to run around with a flu at 4am and expect your body to survive it.
Sunday was the jazz festival, which was so cold and deary and rainy that they moved the opening event to BMW edge instead of Fed Square open stage and it was pretty amazing anyway *_________* It helped that both Jw and I were dressed nicely for the occasion too. The best part was when we finally got in, and OMG the double bass soloist was so so so great *_________* it was so cold though, and then we had pasta for dinner then Jw suddenly had a craving for hot chocolate, but she didn't want Italian hot chocolate so we headed to Safeway to buy cocoa powder and cream to make French hot chocolate.....and ended up with 10 litres of milk because it was on offer D: can you imagine? 10 litres of milk carried by 2 people!
Then yesterday I loaded up on winter wear from Big W and went to Le Petit Gateau and Philip remembered me from the last time!<3 Anyway, ordered another lot of cakes (springtime and kyoto) and tried a hazulnut chocolate millefeuille which was very good. Then I asked Philip if they could make a strawberry fraiser for me, and he was like 'No sorry, we don't make made-to-order cakes unless it's for a function.' But he was like do you speak french? And I was like '....1 semester?' so he called one of the patissiers over and OMG HE AGREED TO MAKE STRAWBERRY FRAISER FOR ME (despite my lousy french lol...I just was like 'excuse sil'vous'plait can you please make me a strawberry fraiser?' *____* AND SO! tomorrow the head chef is going to give me a call!!!!!!!!!!!!
so excitinggggg<33333 omg I love cake so much<333333
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:23 p.m.+
Still sick, so exhausted. Today I had class from 10am - 4pm, and I could barely make it home. I was running a fever and god knows what else and finally crashed in a total shutdown. In the end, Jiawei had to go do the groceries *and* cook the porridge for me ;____; so nice, must thank her. But yeah, talk about feeling like shit....
It's like being in a fog, a haze floating with little mind-islands and a small wooden boat skimming over the grey water, like the surface of a softly illuminated mirror. Soundlessly, creeping forward. There's things underneath this glassy water - but who knows? only the slient skim of an oar as the boat travels throuh the void that is neither sky nor water
Deadlines sing like water over stones, have to finish them, have to complete them, have to be done by MONDAY everyone. MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY death knell, in desert who cares what stones you have to swallow? light falls, slow lights headlights and the car bursts through the bushes, wake up wide eyed deer as it leaps away into safety. there's deadlines and i feel like that looming closer and closer until the screech of tires hang close like a car crash waiting to happen
medicine is making me dopey. i have something like 7? types because i'm too busy to see a doctor, so i fight fever with ibroupfen, flu with sudafed, sore throat with difflam, diehorrea with immodium as well as lemsip, vicks and all these wonderful over the counter remedies for people too dumb and stubborn to see a fucking doctor
i'm just going to bathe and sleep....will make it up to jw another time for getting me home, feeding me and then washing dishes. god i hate being sick. there's a test tomorrow as well that i have no idea what to do for (ohgodohgodohgod) and other than that i'm addicted to kame's 1582 solo cocksucking sounds nonetheless. the violin + beat + synthesised voice = winnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
anyway really the most important is to get everything done! DEADLINE MONDAY!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:29 a.m.+
I'm so tired. Being sick is exhausting, my stomach hurts, my back aches, my knees are cramped in pain and the skin around my nose is so dry that I think it's going to peel off soon. My throat hurts from talking, and I sound stratchier than an aging gramaphone. I'm on painkillers and decongestants and all I want to do is curl up and sleep till I'm fine but I have work and animations to make and footage to edit.
The night before was so bad that I couldn't stop shaking and shivering, my teeth was chattering and it was like what? 4.30? I felt so cold. So frighteningly cold. I pulled on a sweater and extra pants and curled up under 3 layers of blankets but that still wasn't enough - all I remember was how cold it was, and how much it hurt and when would it ever end. I think the fever finally broke at around 6am, I could see the blue light stream through the sides of the curtains and I felt so hot and sweaty and disgusting. My heater was still running (I fell asleep with it on, because it was too cold) I kept waking up/sleeping/waking up so restlessly....and it probably caused my condition to detoriate too.
So for the past few days it's mostly been porridge for breakfast/lunch/dinner and not the tasty kind either :( It's the bland-as-fuck kind because in addition to flu, I have some kind of stomach virus as well which is causing me to puke my guts/shit my insides out. It doesn't help that I keep thinking longingly of Le Petit Gateau's springtime and yesterday I finally caved in to my inner desires and had Kenzan@GPO for a much-needed sashimi lunch. Surprise surprise, it didn't cause me any trouble! I think 'cause it's basically raw and so squeaky clean and fresh that I have no reason to reject it. It's such a relief y'know? So that night I made shaoxing chicken to go with the porridge, since it's steamed and all. FINALLY! TASTE!<3
Now I'm back to feeling terrible again. Today I finally caved in and went to the pharmacy (didn't see a doctor :x) and bought a bag of studafed, nerofen, lemsip, anti-gas and other stuff. God, I felt like a drug addict carrying my bag of crack whilst going home D: I was so tired during the tram ride, but I dropped off at 7/11 instead to pick up some pads because OMFG to add to my OMFG!sickness, I also have menses. Whoopiedoo x_X
Went to sleep, and woke up at 9pm. Now I'm awake (but still achy and tired) so I'm working on the animations. I'm really hoping that by tomorrow I'll feel 1000xxxx better so I can actually complete this by Monday. I hate asking for extensions and I hate feeling sick, plus I don't like handing up late work so it's really important that I get this done as fast as possible. urghhhhh WORK TSU WORK!
OK going for dinner
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:42 p.m.+
URGH. am sick but cannot afford to be sick. the sore throat turned out to be a full blown cough/cold; and now i'm between puking my guts out and shitting every 10mins *woe* to say I feel like crap would be an understatement
footage went well! i mean, i cut and added in transitions today, tomorrow i'll start making the PNGs needed for animation and hopefully Joe will have my soundtrack done soon so i can combine everything nicely. i just feel so horrible though >_> bad enough that i don't feel like having cake at all (although i have a mild craving for Springtime, 'cept that it'll probably come out)
it's only 8pm and i want to die D:
hopefully i'll feel better tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:41 p.m.+
AM FINALLY DONE FILMING AND OMG I JUST WANT TO SLEEP FOR A WEEK. (or wake up on monday, whichever is preferable)
filming went well; only probem was that the playback function doesn't work.....which makes me worry a bit that it wasn't recorded properly or what nots *crosses fingers* I don't really want to fiddle with it too much so I'll go on monday to see what's up with it.
did the first part of filming in the backyard, then snuck into safeway. sam and natz both looked really good though, i'm really happy with them and they were helpful in giving me ideas and such :D second day filming and i was late, sam was sick and natz was cold which didn't really bode well....but OMG filming in swanston was HILARIOUS. i wish i had a dollar for every fucker tourist that walked into my frame and every dollar for a jaw dropped. it must've been some Very Important Anime day as well, because i saw a female sasuke carrying a yaoi panel with ponytails. horrified facepalm doesn't quite cover it :x
went down to flinders, did the fight scene at hosier lane as planned and some fuckers wedding group was also there and the head fucker head photographer was such a dick :( I politely asked him: 'excuse me, but how long will you take in the laneway?' and he gave me this super patronising look and said: 'WEELLLL~ i'm doing my job.' and i was like: 'i'm doing MY job too'. like sheesh. besides, who the hell wants to take their wedding photos in a DUMPSTER anyway?
argh annoying. to be honest filming in public areas is really annoying. there's the tourist who stood RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME to take a photo while i was still RECORDING. so, i have a nice big closeup of that fucker's tourist's back. i want to make a racist comment about chinese tourist asstards as well, but it isn't apporiate.
finally went to st kilda and did a quick last shoot. since sam was sick i didn't let him wade into the water like i originally intended, so he only went ankle deep. then went home and watched iron chef after sending sam off, and made grilled chicken<3333 well recieved! will make it next time with pork maybe~
anyway i hope all goes well with editing and such on monday, there's the news story to attend to too.....maybe i get to interview cirque du soliel???
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:42 a.m.+
clean and refreshing as the breeze!
I keep forgetting to mention I found the most wonderful MINT! conditioner and bodywash. First I should explain - I really love mint based soap because it feels really clean, and I like the cool, tingling sensation plus mint really washes you clean so you don't smell like cooking later. I guess that's why I don't really like mint as a flavour very much, because it reminds me of soap
BUT! I found this new soap that smells like vicks' and WORKS! like vicks....as in it clears nose blockages! It reacts with hot water to form a vapour and contains active eucalyptus and methonal and even has the vicks' tingly sensation *_* then I found a mint conditioner as well, which smells like mint chocolate chip icecream *_______* <3!!!!!!!!! it's really nice and hydrating too, because my hair feels light and bouncy as well
oh yar, other news of the day: I found vanilla beans (real ones) for $2 at LA MANNA! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *buys up all the stock*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:15 a.m.+
Quick! It runs.
- this entire week has been a whirlwind tornadoing twirl of chrono cross and mom and aya and omg! I was happy to see them but so tired too. Finishing the japanese essay last minute on Thursday, then Mom and aya at my place trying to clean it up due to the Nuclear Fallout aka. Essay Week. Then we had Easter together with baked pork and company, and all in all - despite the panicked, first day - it was really great to see them again. And OMG! I nearly finished chrono cross! oh why oh why did it have to jam? T______________T I wanted to play so badly.
Then Thursday was full of crazy - Picked up kyotos from Le Petit Gateau at some ridiculously early hour (7.30am) and shook Perrierick's hand (OMG IT'S LIKE TALKING TO GOD!!) and it was so so so so so cold. Can you imagine? I was running with 10 cakes in one hand and an umbrella in the other. So traumatic >___>;;;! I missed Jian's shooting (fuck! I'm so sorry! T_____T have to make it up to him since he credited me as set/aesthetic designer) as well because I decided to nap inbetween and DID NOT MAKE AN ALARM CLOCK! DDDD: Collected the DV camera and dolly from Eileen, dropped the dolly off at Natz's place then went to Costume Factory at Lt. Bourke to pick up a pirate outfit for Sam. Surprisingly inexpensive (may consider for other future uses aka. OTT lolita/cosplay) then had dinner at Nam Loong after buying gas and stuff. It was really cold o.O;;; I was wearing my shiny new coat but it was still rather chilly.....and when I checked the weather forecast it was 8 degrees?! what the hell?!
Today did groceries with jiawei and cleaned the fridge/kitchen area. Made sambal veg and green chicken curry which was surprisingly good - bordering on awesome and therefore I will make it again :D Then I got a cheap haircut and trim, because my hair is too long and messy and I really can't stand it at the neither short/long length. Now it's just about brushing collarbone length, and no more annoying flyaways! yay!
Tomorrow I'm shooting - excited and worried. There's so much work to do and not enough time it feels, but at the same time I'm still glad to be doing something. I feel like I have so much to say, but it's all going around and around like swirling water and I just need time, time to think and condense it into something....settled. I guess right now it's just so overwhelming
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:02 a.m.+
ESSAY IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now to catch up on 3 days worth of sleep before I fall on my face; floor first.
+tsu waited for you at 10:56 p.m.+
I have so much to say that I don't really know how to start. I guess it's best to start from Saturday, because things just seem to add up - pile up like stacked baskets ready to topple. Come rain and flood, and then - bouyancy.
Saturday....we got really drunk. It all started from the leftover wine from making the beef bourguignon marinade and since we were so stressed we decided to drink. Jw is a funny happy drunk, audy is a sad violent drunk and I guess I'm the sane one - I think I didn't get so badly drunk because I ate less so I didn't feel overfull. It was pretty fun, but audrey should never be allowed to drink because she's violent as fuck (with serious issues wtf.) She kept whacking us with pillows and pushing glass bottles and stratching/pulling hair and then......jiawei puked all over the carpet D: (and we have house inspections on the 15th) the funny part is that the first thing she yelled was: 'AJAX!!!!!!!!!' and then we poured turpentine, vinegar, oxyclean, ajax and stuff and it actually got most of the shite out (wow.) I still called the carpet cleaners anyway. It's pretty much clean now thankfully, just the lingering smell of turpentine.
Next day was so deary and fucking cold. Met up with Sam and Natz for the meeting, then went home to find that jiawei was suffering from turpentine poisoning. You know what she did? Closed all the windows and slept in a room with no ventilation with the stink of turpentine soaked in the carpet.......usual symptons: cold, lethargy, 'cloudiness'. odd that she didn't get any headaches usually associated with it though but nonetheless once we figured it she felt much better after a detoxification.
I am really upset and insulted by audrey now. It's so offensive that I can't accept her (half-hearted?) apology. I'm angry and offended because not only did she attack my values, but called me a whore and said I was immoral more than once. The first she did when she was drunk (wherein which she called me a slut and a hole in the dark as well as a host of degatory terms) so I let it go but the second time she did that reveal her true colours as someone judgemental and insincere.
Not only that, I feel upset about the only person singled out for this. SO. According to audrey's logic, natz can have a boyfriend and remain 'moral' (even though she's boinking her boyfriend and goes to sex toy fairs) whereas I talked about dating some guy in sec 2 and wow, I'm immoral? Logic please? Even more telling, I find it ironic and even hypocritical that she dismisses everyone who has dated (we're not even at the sex part yet) as being a 'slut' and 'hole in the dark' considering the fact that she basically write gay fanfiction every single night about real people.
It's almost like she has a phobia with her own sexuality as a female and woman. Last time I said I had cramps and she was like; 'man, that's why I hate women because they always use such stupid excuses'. I remember feeling extremely shocked at her response because it is a natural biological and reasonable explaination but she made it sound like I was 'being female' to deliberately annoy her. Not to mention the times she 'wished she [I] was a boy' as well as the general body/self-loathing. I am annoyed because just because she is uncomfortable with her own sexuality and is squeamish about sex, doesn't mean that she has to lash out at the most avaliable person.
I'm really deeply insulted. I am not promiscious at all, nor do I treat relationships lightly. Even though we are no longer as close friends as before, I still consider her as one and it is absolutely vile that a friend of mine could have such distrubing and horribly distorted image of me. I'm almost sickened by the level of insult.
I am not a human punching bag. I'm tolerant, but this crosses the line to unforgivable because it was a personal attack about my values and morals which I hold dear.
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:57 p.m.+
OMG JIAWEI PUKED ON THE CARPET N MY HEAD HURTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS N AUDY IS A VIOLENT DRUNK LULZ
+tsu waited for you at 12:04 a.m.+
I am
too lazy to work today. I just watch the sun stream down like cold frosted glass through dirty windows, patches of it lit up like shining squares. Warmly, they skim over cold fingertips and shirtsleeves and it feels like winter, it feels like spring.
I don't feel like studying now. I should, with deadlines ahead. I should want to work, and finish up things that loom closer and closer like banks of grey clouds edging in the peerless horizon. Instead, all I dream of is pancake mornings, crepe afternoons and after-dinner mints. I want live in a marshmellow dream - warm and safe and gestating in a robin's egg blue. candy luminousity, y'know?
e.e
is my new emoji
ahhh
get some work done at least
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:48 p.m.+
like a
shady little hooker tasting
beef noodles at that nightstand
Tired, murr x_X Called Counciler Ong this morning then raced to class, then Jian called me halfway to talk about setting up his filiming shoot (that reminds me, must call Sam) and then went out with Jiawei to get interviews. In the end I *DID* manage to get the counciler, which was amazing as fuck *_*;;;;;; like wow!!! yeah, but he sounds like a good person so I was quite happy. I'm too tired to think now though, much less write it again
Feet hurt from walking. Had galettes down at the French crepe shop and they gave me an o.o expression when I asked for marron puree, nutella and sugar on the same crepe with a hot chocolate. Jiawei has a theory that I'm a supertaster because I'm picky, hate salty things, have a preference for sweet and hate half the things on the list. I don't particularly like cola, coffee, brussels, grapefruit and it took me FOREVER to adjust to the taste of green tea. In fact, I only began to like green tea after 18 or so :x Even for sweet things, there are some sweet things I really dislike (turkish delight would be one of them) and I don't like candy (as in sweets) at all.
Of course, it could be that I'm just really picky
horrorssss D:
Next week (Easter) I'm planning to cook beef bourgingion though....I've altered the reciepe a bit because a few days ago I found an awesome deglazing technique that would be perfect for this dish (plus my two food gineaupigs agreed my sauce was perfect that way) Also because half the restaurents close during the Easter break. It's pretty much a dead city during Easter lol (a lot like Christmas and New Year actually) Not to mention it seems like a very Easter-ish dish<3 (unless we cook rabbit. rabbit baked in pesto is awesome) Also need to Mom/Aya to get chairs for themselves since we have a total of....THREE! dining chairs in the house lol. And possibly blankets. It's pretty cold and rainy now yea....
Went to Retroscope and found a red cardigan (YES!) and a black dress~ really cute and cheap<3 also got the interviews done on Jiawei's side, which is a relief. I just need one final interview before I'm done with mine....if possible I'll get some parent association, if not I'll just get a random parent off the street or something since I already have 2 'official' type spokespeople. Next is to start on the Japanese essay.
Walked home. Changed. Went to Night Market to support Natz, then because everything was so freakin' overpriced, went to Norisiah's Kitchen for Nasi Lemak dinner. Tomorrow I'll braise the pork and see how it turns out, and maybe next year we'll join the fair as a STORE(!) because it seems like a good way of making money.....They were selling ridiculously expensive stuff like samoas for $5 et al wtf. I figured I'll make the stewed pork belly in bun and orh nee because it's easy, can be made in advance and we'll be raking in cash like no one's business. hahahaha....first time putting my cooking skillz to good use. It's not particularly hard anyway - brown sugar, dark + light soy, hua tiao jiu, ginger/garlic, seasame oil and spring onions. Chuck in a pan and leave to braise itself
Still tired...this week is really hetic :/ I'm anxious about aya and mom coming (just did laundry last week) and the timing is actually really tight for me. Tuesday is deadline for the news article, then Japanese is due on Wednesday. Plus I need to call up Sam by TOMORROW(!) and get to VCA on Monday :/ Preferably finish the news article by tomorrow ASAP (quotes can be inserted last I guess) and start on the Japanese one. Thank god it's like 1,500 instead of some ridiculous number....but there's an exam for it too, so yea. URGH. Must think of a proposal for Thursday too wtffffff (film)
gonna sleep soon anyway
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+
i
hold myself
for/back/side.ward.ways
in a flit
flicker; fluttering
of distant
shadows
[at the corner of my eye]
I feel like the rumble of the sea, the fluting of a shakuhachi pipe - high and whistling like a distinct, yet trembling call. It feels nebulous somehow, ungraspable in all its aspects and then...
I just feel uncomfortable with it, how people are viewing me as this......not-really person. I don't feel it's like me at all, and they're just seeing aspects of it instead of a whole. Something's changing and I don't like it. No - it's not changing but something's trying to change me and I feel the pressure to conform to their expectations and I dislike it.
I'm not looking for sweet talk
just not trying to hurt sometimes
letting all this noise out
[wait a moment]
[let me put you on hold]
I really want to talk to Aya sometime....maybe tomorrow or something. I just feel so restless and confused and not-really happy with the situation as it is, now. On one hand it provides some kind of superficial relief, but on the other hand I feel like I'm being less like myself and more like what people want from me. I don't want to be merely a medium to other people's messages - I like being me, despite everything.
Maybe I just need a break or something, after these papers are done. I've been quite lucky so far is getting the interviews - tomorrow I have to try and get Chancillor Ong and then maybe a parent or two (from Docklands?). Then there's the Japanese paper in which I'm racking up h00ge fines for D: but at least I kinda know what I'm writing and I got approved for fan/shopping culture IN cyberculture as opposed to like 3 seperate cultures to examine. Besides, the readings on cyberculture (from Japanese) is so 90s.....like David Bell's theory of 'leaving the meat behind' lulzzzzzz
anyway tired
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:46 a.m.+
Busy day....tired too. My feet hurt from running around, and then went for Melbourne council meeting and library *sighs* just generally; feeling scattered and disorganised, as though energy is being used and wasted uneffectively like pings lost in packets
Watched TV, then all of us got to work on essays....it wasn't too bad really, except that we kept getting distracted. I actually managed to finish most of the relevent readings and have a relatively good idea of what to write - define cyberculture, cyberculture in asia intro then cyberculture and fandom pro/con and cyberculture and shopping pro/con approx 1500words. mmmmmm writing essay and eating mint icecream at 2am is just so studentish...living with jiawei will make me fat I swear D:
The internet is full of retardation BTW my connection is shit, and we all have to take turns using the internet because it's so terrible :( Need to call Telstra tomorrow to test our connection too and start on the advanced writing shit (urgh)
Somehow, the 'now' feels so unreal. Surreal maybe; sitting by the lowlight of a lighthouse lamp, with my feet snugly inside fluffy slippers and this talk: castells and global flows, conversations about work that seem so interesting and all the things to be said...even typing this, feels so unreal. It's kinda wonderful actually, like an incandescent painting - churacuriso painted with the wonderful shades of night and light
Evocative, quiet, subtle; like drifting through in layers, silk, besmilk and the sensation of floating in a swimming pool in the dark with the stars above, reflected below - who knows whether you're floating on water or sky? Everything blends seamlessly, like a body floating on eternity.
tired....
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:52 a.m.+
........what I really wanted to say was:
The first time I trusted you, you broke my heart. The second time I did, you forgot everything at the drop of a pin. Give me one good reason why I should ever trust you at all
:/ I had half a mind to say it, but then the second feeling that closely followed was 'meh, so useless to say anything' and also 'even if i said, nothing would change. like raking non-existence' so I just let it drop. I was also gonna say something like: 'I trust you as much as I trust my dad.' but that kind of comparison would only be understood by me and aya, so what for right?
Mostly I'll be willing to trust her if say......she actually did anything trustworthy. It's just that everytime I do, she just does something again and I'm just so sick of complaining about it that I just save myself the disappointment by not doing it at all. I actually have limits to how much I can give chances to someone and that's long and gone already kthxbai. I'm not masohistic enough to keep taking her back......and besides, she has so many replacements ready for that position on the intarwebz.
Yeah but hell - I'm sick of talking about it so there.
The internet is driving me up the wall with the connection going on and off inexplicably. Tonight I was really going to snap and she just kept patting me - usually I don't mind it, but if she did it for the third time I would literally bite her hand off. I was almost irritable enough to kick jw out of my room, and slam the door at both of them and say: 'go fuck yourselves because I don't fucking care and I don't really surf that much anyway and let me read my book in peace.' *woe* now my schedule is all fucked up and I swear I won't be able to wake for class tomorrow wtf. If this happens again tomorrow night I'll just sleep or pretend to - because every single time it happened I stayed till 3am solving it even though I had morning class the next day.
Other than that today was pretty good. I finally slept enough for a change, so I woke up feeling much better and less like falling over. Sorted out the data from all the news leads, then went to Green for lunch which was awesome. The pancakes was great, so was the breakfast stack and omg massive<3 to the butterscotch caramel~~~ walked off all that fat by trekking up to Anstley, then walking back. Apparently jw is worried about audy being so insular, but I told her not to worry and stuff. To some extent I really can't care less anymore, or at least I've managed to convince myself enough of that
Didn't cook dinner. Too lazy, and not hungry. Everyone else ate instant noodles, I just watched TV (Indus civilization!) and ate some sandwhiches. I think even if you offered me cake now, I would throw it at someone and go murrr =_=
It's a lot like pinging out to empty space.
OK. really tired. have lots of shit to do tomorrow too
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:52 a.m.+
Was superlate for Supernova today DDDx sorry Sefie! (I owe you cash too D:) Was really crowded, but better organised than Manifest I think. Felt a bit lost at first, but things started to look fun when I ran into Magadelen, Sefie and Siera as well as Annie, Natasha and everyone else~ It was pretty cool! Siera won best cosplayer (cash + 4 night hotel stay) and we all slacked off around ODiP stall, watched some otakus lulz it out, grab some merch, sing really baaaaaad AHA songs with mitchell (who has promised to make me cake in exchange for sewing LOL), flounced around in Sefie's capelet, pressured Magdalen to buy the snow white jsk and basically YEAH! just a lot of stuff, quite fun too.
Came home and crashed around 6pm, got a lift from Sefie and omg Siera has a dirrrrrrrrrrrty mind xD I got home, changed and just zonked out on the bed. Was so tired I even forgot to remove my glasses Dx woke up when a monster jw came into my room going: hungrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy Decided to Feed The Kids and chopped some root veg (potato, mushroom, cabbage) and do a quick marinade and bake the rabbit. So yes! RABBIT! mmmmm~~~ while it was cooking in the oven we ran down to Coles to pick up icecream, eggs and filo pastry and then weirdly enough - instinctively I knew the rabbit was cooked so we raced home LOL. I think cooking so much has honed my timing abilities, which is kinda cool. Next week maybe I'll make beef bourgingion or something if the weather turns out to be cold. I'll probably alter the reciepe a bit though, because if I did it exactly there would be a lot of washing/cleaning to do and too many ingrediants to get. I doubt french peasant food requires something very expensive....poverty should be the right yardstick LOL
So far we've been really good at the cooking-everyday thing. We rarely eat out...maybe only once or twice so far (compared to last year!) and now that I have a proper baking pan I can bake more, which is a relief from all the frying. Baking frees up a lot of time for me as well; chop, chuck and then I can do whatever I like while it bakes. Other wonderful delights have been the Mediterran foodstore I found that sells the most delightful things - pecurino, pesto and OMG 7.99 OLIVE OIL (!!!!!!!!!!!) I feel like introducing aya to that place, but I have a feeling she'll go bonkers and try to buy everything up. The pesto which I bought is going down well with the household too - I got the pesto w/ balsamic combo, and jw is an addict. What I like to do is just lightly spread it on top of chicken/pork/white meat before baking. It's pretty good with sandwhiches too
Tomorrow I'll probably cook something light though - I kinda crave cantonese food after a while ^^;;;; so weird. Maybe this weekend I'll try making filo pastries and get everyone to fill their favourite flavours in. We could do one nutella/peanut butter version and a ham/cheese version or I could make it with leftovers, except that we rarely have any leftovers hmmm -____-;;;;;;;; Like today, I cooked an entire rabbit and it's totally goooooooooone. Everything. Yesterday night's trevally is *also* gone LOL
Anyway my scalp was kinda itchy today, I think 'cause I used hairspray =_=;; I really should stay away from this kind of stuff, but you can't really do poufy lolita hair without hairspay. It's the backbone of backcombing! Yeah :/ so I got audy to buy me some of the minty antidandruff gunk-remover from head&shoulders and now it's quite nice with a tingly, refreshing feeling so hopefully it'll work out okay.
Oh yar, AYA! I GOT YOU *SOOOOOOOOOMETHING*! xD xD XD saw it at supanova and thought of you. you want me to send it or you wanna come here and just pick it up?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:23 a.m.+
Nervous, tired and stressed @_@ I can feel like neck tension and shoulder tension from all the worrying about completing deadlines. horrors. Yesterday I when I walked down the stairs I could feel a phantom ache in my back, and then my ankle creaked....wtf, am I growing old at 21?!
I feel tired. Not tired in a need-more-sleep way (although that played a part) but tired in a I-want-to-sink-against-someone way which makes me automatically think of mom and bearbear. Sinking against someone in a lazy, languid, thank-you-for-sharing-heat while watching tv over the tips of the cushion, or reading a book and the quiet breathing of someone beside you. I like that. It doesn't need to be romantic, but I just like curling up against something, someone - sometimes.
Lots of work to do tomorrow: grocery shopping, pick up film at Vanbar's, check out moreland council (again) to find something newsworthy, call TruEnergy and go for tute. Urgh. I shall scan through the newspaper before sleeping. Bloody newsquiz tmr
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:34 a.m.+
For some reason everytime I play MOLA in my head, I feel like playing M-flo too. Anyway this week has been tough, tiring and urgh I just want to drag my feet and curl up somewhere....something like; wake me up, when the schoolwork ends
Made lasange for dinner yesterday night....my baking pan is a hit! :D fully working and awesome<3 It was also really delicious, but so rich that I couldn't really eat a lot of it. Just think, 600g of beef, half a pack of mozzerella (approx 250g?), all my leftover cream cheese from River Stone (tastes like camembert), 2 carrots, 2 onions, 6 cloves of garlic, 2 tubs of tomato puree and...yeah :x Watched Lost Cities of Ancients: Pi-Rameses special yesterday as well, and it was so cool<33333 Tanis looks amazing, but OMG WHY DIDN'T THEY EXCAVATE CONTE? D: D: D: I guess it's because a living settlement is built right over the imperial city, so you can't actually just chase people off it.....plus it's supposed to be agricultural so I guess they can't excavate it. It looked really cool though, especially with the huge-ass map drawn open and the guy was actually tearing up on TV. Next week they're showing the INCAs, which is gonna be cool and awesome and bloody as well xD
Talked to jw about netcomn = headache = urghurghurgh. I honestly think it's a cool subject, but it's just so dense that I want to stab my eyes out. Still have to read it and blog it though, urgh urgh urgh....I'll write up something intelligent tonight, after I finish doing another round of readings.
the sky is super-pretty today though, and tomorrow have to go try to find something newsworthy :( schoolwork is such a bitch sometimes. OK! let's go~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:36 p.m.+
Went out by myself today, it was really nice~ Dropped film off at Vanbar's, then went to Lygon court Borders for gossip magazines and decided to watch Milk - Gus Van Sant docudrama about Harvey Milk, SanFran gay rights activist. It was really well directed, narrative was very creative with excellant use of original riot footage from the 70s/80s :D I really enjoyed it....HOWEVER. It doesn't seem like his signature style at all. I mean if you come in expecting filmmaking style similar to Elephant and Paranoid Park you're going to be sorely disappointed because it's pretty far from that. I'm quite glad it is that way though, it shows his versatility much better.
About the documentary itself, it was really fascinating....dunno...I kinda felt sorry for Harvey at so many points, at the same time he's so driven that he turns into someone less-than-likeable. I guess that's how politics always is, but it's rather depressing and omg the [SPOILER] scene with the mexican dude was so DDDDDD: and yet he still went one. The ending felt a bit abrupt too :x the casting was great and the guy who played Cleve was really cute xDDDD hahaha I'm so shallow *____*
Also bought myself a scarf because I idiotically forgot to bring one out, and besides it was TEAL(!) and cheap and rather cute. I got lots of people liking the ETC dress too<3 the cardsuit dress is turning into my standard-reach-in and wear item because it goes so well for so many occasions. Tomorrow there's a seminar with the defamer guest lecturer, and possibly I'll wear it too (if I can get up early enough to anyway)
kinda sleepyish...maybe I'll pop down for a snack, then go to sleep. Have to wake at 9am tomorrow after all. Oh yeah, call aya tomorrow!!<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:58 a.m.+
Photoshoot tonight! was fun, exciting and omg so cold. Not really that cold, but cold enough....it was drizzling and the sky was a very unhappy red. Sulking red. So exciting that I didn't really feel like eating and more like bouncing on walls~ Anyway it went really well, I was so surprised.....well, not really. I did a lot of trial runs before asking Steph to do it. The first trial I did was using sparklers, the second trial was syncing the flash head. It's pretty trippy looking, especially with all the weird light trails and effects but I totally adore it.
Although, right now if you asked me to look at it I would be sooooo sick of it. I have really short attention span for post-processing Dx and like, after the shoot is done and published I'm not interested in it anymore. It's not just limited to photography though, this applies to paintings I've done or films I've made or even stuff I've written.
The funniest part was that when we walked in, I accidentally set off the flash head and stunned this guy who was peeing on a tree....he looked so freaked out he was like: 'Good day!! er, sorry about that' *covers privates* and he quickly zhao'ed. Then we ran into a guy who was wanking off while we were doing a a photoshoot and we TOTALLY ignored him. So imagine...3 girls ignoring this guy behind us, wanking off. Maybe I should've yelled: 'you have a small dick!' before we left (he was still wanking lol)
Afternoon went to the Greek fair and ate soooooooooo much omg D: duce de leche creme caramel, souvalaki, cinnimon doughnuts and all sorts of fabulous junkfoodish things<3333 I also went to Cleg's to pick up some chiffon, elastic and gold beads to make a hairbow for supernova~~ so exciting! hahaha will be in lolita as usual. Walked home, then slacked around a bit before preparing for shoot
Tired now.....but not really sleepy after seeing that huge-ass-spider omg omg omg I was so freaked out I ran into audrey's room to hide and there was one in her room as well and i just freaked out and screamed a bit and omg thank goodness she caught it before i was so fucking scared T________________________T I hate them so much
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:09 a.m.+
Last week was bad. I don't know why but it's getting worse. Last week I could barely get to uni, threw up most of my food and slept as much as possible....the worst was Wednesday. I was going to send mail to everyone, but I couldn't leave the house that day at all and was just cringing in my room with all the windows closed and turning on the heater until it was like what? 33 degrees inside? It got to the point I could barely concentrate because my head was hurting and I had lights flashing in my eyes....not strobe lights, but more like curtain of light kinda effect and I accidentally stabbed myself with a pair of scissors (well the first was an accident, the other 3 weren't). Pain is weirdly grounding. Anyway it shocked me enough to drag myself over to bed, swallow neurofen and sleep it off x_X
the worst part about all this is that I haven't really told anyone how sick I am, and my housemates don't know at all. I don't know what will happen if one day I end up being really sick.........but so far, these bouts have only been at night and I've managed so far without anyone worrying. I know part of all this is my fault - whenever I'm angry or upset enough about something, my brain just switches off. Last week was because of the bloody Media/Comn thing, and arkashgerfjkgefej I don't really want to explain it because I hate repeating rumours about myself but let's just say that it's the same issue again just with different people. More backstabbers. More assholes. It didn't help that Jiawei just repeated everything back. fuck. I was really pissed off about that because it gave me a whole pile of unnessescary shit to deal with when the tutor didn't even care. I emailed Mike (tutor) about what really happened and he said it wasn't a big deal anyway and he wouldn't deduct any marks from me. In fact, he's giving me extra credit for participation. WTF.
Sometimes I want to put a notice like; I'm not your human punching bag so stop using me as a convienient fodder when you want to yell at someone.
I don't really know what else to say. I'm just so tired sometimes, I don't see any reason for living. I don't want to worry. I don't want to care. I don't want to involve myself in anything and just let it flow through; numbly. I haven't taken a photograph in ages, nor have I written anything worthwhile. If last winter I was racing through life like a flush of pink flowers, now it's more like closing backwards, open petals shutting itself back into a bud. I see my life like a infra-red photograph - black skies and white trees, and the silent silent brush of an unseeing wind.
I don't even know if I hate it or love it. I hate going through the motions, so I say. At the same time I'm not really trying am I? I just........I just don't want to be hurt anymore. That's all.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:49 a.m.+
I've been really busy lately. Schoolwork takes up a lot more time, and I've been trying to get my things in order. Right now, there's the kaizokuban and alice shoot tomorrow (20s f22) Then Monday I need to call Seamus and see if he's free in April (15th - 20th) as well as Natz then see if I can get them to meet within this week or next and take their measurements, show the script and explain the production outline. I need to talk to the music guy as well, and do a bit of test shooting. Pick up newspapers on Mon/Wed to scan and maybe check out the Moreland Council (glenlyon st). Besides that I should really catch up on readings and schoolwork.....I'm not the best student of the year @_@ and with enough luck I'll absorb enough of it to go on. It seems like the whole NetComn thing was a non-issue after all (curse jiawei for freaking me out for no reason)
That said, JW is acting kinda odd and irritable. I'm okay with irritable, but my take is if you're irritable just stay in your room and not let on everyone else.....it's just annoying to be blasted for no reason other than the fact that you're grounchy and what nots. I don't particularly appreciate her comments on my schoolwork either, since she managed to freak me out for no reason at all last Thursday (it turned out that Mike didn't care and thought it was funny)....and honestly, if the tutor is satisfied, what's she to pick on my work? I mean if the tutor was unhappy and if I was looking for help I wouldn't mind.....but now it's just kinda unnessescary.
urgh or maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Whatever. It's not important anyway
Mostly it's been a constant deluge of uni/normal life routine. Nothing crazy's happening (except for that random bout of omg!dieeeeeee triggered last week) and the fact that my room is getting steadily messier and messier. I have trash to throw that I haven't thrown in ages, like wastepaper basket and old packages and random pieces of paper and old newspapers and clothes on the floor. I should probably do a vaccum as well but fuck if I'm lazy D:
I am kinda enjoying uni. Advanced Writing is the hardest, but the tutor is lovely and extremely helpful while NetComn is surprisingly fun except that I tend to digress a lot and write tons of un-academic stuff *woe* I'm going to try to bring myself to write more about concise and less ramblingly though especially since I have a good 1,600 words to fufil. 8 entries, 1,600 words....I reckon that's around 200 w/e. I did one nice and academic sounding about nuclear bombs and rhizome framework so with luck I shall progress and become a less un-focused person. Media modes is the best one as usual, and I just need to get the schedule settled and location OK. Urgh, need to drop down VCA and get costumes as well xDDD;;; so exciting! Japanese PC is kinda fun too - last week we had a discussion about Jpop which was pretty cool.
Tonight I'm going to sms steph and try to finish darkwater as well as repair the hairband.
For some reason, I really miss my family sometimes....ahhhh distance really makes the heart go fonder yes?
PS. TO SELF: BUY PRINTER INK!!!!!!!!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:05 a.m.+
I get so tired of people sometimes. Sometimes all I want to do is to fall flat and never wake up, and just live in my head. It's too confusing and jumbled and I don't want to care but I always do and people are just a drain to energy and fuck - hello, spiralling down to the black black hellhole that is rather too familar
I just feel so mopey and disheartened - I don't know why I'm here, what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It seems pointless and stupid, working towards an unknown future with zero job prospects and even more dismal workplaces. I can't find the energy to try, much less to live and I know I'm slowly sinking backwards when I feel that itch underneath my skin again that is just waiting to be cut and crawled and stratched out of existence. restlessness. it makes me want to stab something that doesn't even exist.
being outside makes it even worse. it's like being able to go out but not really, because it's only going out within the confines of physical space and you still have to do what you have to do anyway. i want the pure, senseless, mindless freedom - don't need to think, don't need to take responsibility, don't need to live and hell, might as well be dead.
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
i really don't know what to do with my life anymore. i want to do so much, but at the same time everything i do seems to be wrong. it just reads like one fucking failure after another.
time to start applying to vocational school I guess
at least, everyone needs a plumber
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:26 a.m.+
.......I am overly obsessed with the blog assignment. NetComn aka. the most boring subject which I chose so that I didn't need to do an even worse subject, is actually turning out to be great fun. Mostly because I actually managed to customise it enough to have fun, and I made a new friend and it's just cool to spam each other with youtube videos :D :D :D
Besides that, yesterday Natz came over and we went to the Wicked Sunday event. It was rainy and cold but OMG CHOCOLATEEEEE!!<3333 Had a lot of lovely food, some fabulous chocolate and cheese. It was really fun, and I ran into Steph as well~ Then afterwards everyone came to our place and crashed and yeah, it was just fun. The selection was smaller than last year's though, which is a pity and I didn't get any of the cinnimon/chilli chocolate or kickass belgian strawberry ones.
Dinner was kinda quick and easy, and we're thinking of maybe making this a weekly thing? It'll be good for us to have people over, at the same time Natz would have some company and food (she can stay over if it's a weekend too) Pretty chilly lately, even I'm beginning to feel a bit cold :x
Oh yeah! I won the AP carnival dress *__________* ureshiiiii!!!!!!!<33333 cupcakeness +100!!! XDDDDD
Other than that, just doing spring sales posts (making oodles of cash) then mbok auctions (spending said oodles of cash) and writing mail to everyone. Expect letters soon *_* I have some awesome new paper from ACMI as well, horrendeously expensive but absolutely beautiful and a 3-D holographic postcard for kor lol Guess it's time to dig up everyone's addresses
Doing readings. Is boring. Urgh. Still...have to do. Need to buy groceries tmr. Need to buy readers tomorrow too. Hmmm...what to wear for class?? Must think a bit
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:14 a.m.+
So....where was I? Life seems so busy and full of things now - I can't seem to remember to blog, there's too much to do, too much excitement and things and just living instead of just writing about it, but at the same time I want to take a step back as well.
This week was the first round of tutorials; Pikachu!tute is actually as boring as fuck, which is a pity because the lecturer/subject is really good. The dodgy part is that there's a total Otaku-Sterotype on the Thurs tute which is why I'm swapping to the Tues one. He's fat, cauasian/american with sweaty red face, thinning blond hair and an anime fan t-shirt (I think, Ah! My Goddess) It is amusing because he recognised me as a lolita, but I escaped by saying I had another class to run off to.
Net Comn tute is waaaaaaaaaaay better than the lecture, and Mike is superdupergeeky and COLLECTS OLD GEOCITIES webpages. And Java scripts. LULZ to be had. I bet he's not-so-sekeretly a /b/tard as well. Well, the current assignment is to Make Your Own Blog(!!111oneone) which is freakin' hilarious because we're going to be marked on it. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha A lot of my tute people are the social networking types though, many twitters, many twits =_=;;;;;; Apparently I'm the geekiest of the lot because I actually know coding and CSS, and how to manuip paypal and shit. I feel like trolling people with cat macros now lol
Advanced Journalism was really hard, but the people seemed nice. Then there's media modes of course, and it's basically the same as last week. Thursday was really hard though, 5hours of tute one after another and then I ran into Jian so I didn't get any lunch either and with only 3hrs of sleep. By the time I came back I was so dead tired I just crashed Dx
So far everything's been great really. We get along quite well, and living is just so easy like this. This week was quite hot, then dropped to cold....tomorrow we're all going to the coffee/chocolate/cheese festival and today I was supposed to have a photoshoot but it's been too rainy and overcast :(
The main problem is mostly that the router has been really annoying lately, maybe I should reset it to factory defaults and make a new network.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:21 a.m.+
.......and so, I skipped all my lectures today x___X argdfsfdsdsak I really shouldn't have skipped Advanced Writing since it seems to be the bitchiest subject of the semester *woewoewoe* with the most ridiculously rigid guidelines and policies and declarations and shit ever. On the other hand, my head was killing me and I could barely crawl out of bed, much less do any studying. I'm pretty sure listening to music is the no.1 cause of migraines for me, so I've done the smart thing and switched it all off now.
Stayed in and finished the pikachu!readings as well as some sketches for storyboard presentation on thursday. Also learnt how to make POWS!!! on flash animation and went swimming @_@ the pool was surprisingly crowded.....most annoying were these men STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF the swimming lanes. WTF! if you don't want to swim, don't stand in the lane! walk or move or paddle or something but stop blocking me and stop waving to your friend in the next lane! >:(((((((((( so freakin' inconsiderate. The funniest was this superduper obese woman who was running/swimming up and down the lane and everytime she moved you would get little waves from her 'cos she was so big. Even better was that she was wearing a bright pink/black bikini @_@;;;;;;
Went home and cooked, everyone was really hungry today o.O must be because we didn't really bother about lunch and ended up being hungrier (I didn't anyway, just munched a sandwhich and some soup) Stir-fried kai lan with butterfish, then pork-dropped dumplings with rocket/tomato....fusion cooking! XD actually it's more like I was worried the tomato and rocket would spoil so I ended up cooking that as well.
ehhhh really tired. tomorrow will try out my new flash. finish storyboarding for thurs and put in notes. buy readers. recheck pikachu notes. send letter to shibahime. steam snapper tonight. pick up drycleaning. stop slacking so bloody much.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:04 a.m.+
y ello thar migraine from hell
i just had 2 neurofen tablets
my head is like throbbing and lights totally hurt
is dissolving into a magical pain that is in sync with
m-flo
must be masohism that makes me listen to music
shutitoffffff
my left side is in total pain ATM
hurry up worrrrrrrrrrk
oh yar must buy more neurofen tmr
and gas too
+tsu waited for you at 03:47 a.m.+
Urgh, have a bit of a headache x_X it's really strange since I don't remember doing anything particularly streneous today. Maybe it's the walking-in-full-sunlight thing, it makes me feel really sick sometimes because the heat just kills me and it's just too bright
Pikachu!lect was still interesting, and I'm glad to have a happy, fun subject considering my schedule is going to be pretty heavy once production starts (fuckkkk :/) Also walked around NGV today and gave JW a short ver. of art hist and she really really likes the Rodin statues. When aya and mom are here I'll bring them over as well, since the exhibition rotates frequently and they have some gorgeous pieces like the Rodin statues, some Rubens/Rembrandt/Manet/Cezanne/Pissaro and a very decent curatorship and other exhibitions. The best part is that I discovered this little cafe on the 2nd floor that serves the MOST AMAZING! macarons. I don't even like blackcurrant as a flavour, but it is seriously the BEST one I've ever tasted and converted me to their branch forever. They also use pastry sablee as a base instead of the usual shortcrust type, and serve things like pear/chocolate claufortis<3 The selection of teas is excellant as well. The problem is that the ambience is kinda dark since it's tucked away in a corner, but they have really cushy sofas and the service is great - so no complaints really.
By the time we got back it was around 6-7, and JW had missed her class =_____=;;;; on purpose......and I was testing my new sexy flash which I borrowed from Cherie, so yeah - no swimming .____. I feel so irritated/guilty now, I really should do it tomorrow by hook or by crook and I've even packed my swimming costume and stuff ON PURPOSE so I have no excuse to *NOT* do it. I really don't want to break my resolution to exercise more, exercising needs to be developed as a habit!
Other than that, on Sunday I went to vicmarket because the other two slept late so I went on my own. I got things done quicker by myself I think. Armed with $30, I bought - 3 pcs of butterfish steak, 1 whole snapper, 1 whole snapper bones+head, 300g of mortdella ham, 200g of salami mild, 250g of gouda cheese, 300g of pork mince, 2 brocolli and 300g of spinach leaves. The shopkeeper was so amazed I bought so much he gave me a free!bratwurst sasauge *_____* it was really delicious<33333 I think it must've been pretty funny. If you can picture a relatively short lolita in pink and black, carrying 2 HUGE-AS-BANNANAS green safeway bags then you have a general idea of how I looked like....half of them were like, 'what can I do for you little girl?' -___-;;;;; BUT! FREE FOOD! cannot say no xD
Anyway the snapper deal was the best thing ever. For $2 I got a whole red snapper head + tail + bones that was so big that it needed it's own plastic bag. TBH it was even bigger than the whole fish that I bought ^^;;;;;; and I think the fishmonger was pretty sloppy or something because there was actually quite a lot of meat left on the bone.....enough to cover the bone completely. In SG that kind of thing would never happen since it's considered 'wasteful' hahahaha but I actually made fish soup that night like the way we do back home<3 tasting it really made me feel slightly homesick. It's like wow! the taste is the same! T________T<333333
Yeah, it was pretty high up the zomg!delicious scale. I'm just mildly annoyed I didn't get the milky white colour, but that's because I overcooked the fish a bit I think =_=;;;; I was waiting for the water to boil but by that time my fish was slightly too brown :( so I guess it transferred to the stock, but nonetheless it was really delicious. I changed the soup taste a bit for us though, because JW likes a richer taste and I like eating fish head. I actually took out the fish head after it boiled for a bit so that it won't over-disintergrate, then put it back after cleaning the stock and putting tofu in. I also added vinegar, deseeded chilli, smashed garlic, a hint of wasabi and an egg whisked in.
JW has also been all grumpy!cat the whole week =___=;;;; like fjdakegrfkjdsfhj stop snapping at me pointlessly! It's not like I want to mother you anyway (I'll rather kill myself than have a child like you) it's just that you're behaving stupidly by walking around with a bad, unhealed ankle and in pain so that's why I'm telling you to shut up and sit down -___-;;;; yes I know you can cook and everything but if you don't enjoy it, then why not shut up and eat my cooking? It's not bad and I enjoy cooking it so you don't need to be grumpy about cooking.
Other than that, everything has been going pretty well surprisingly. I'm constantly surprised when stuff is going well, but unsurprised when it goes badly hmmmmmm I suppose that says a lot about my (lack of) trust in people/ personality. Just sometimes a bit....dunno *shrugs* feels too unreal somehow. I keep wondering when something bad will happen .___.;;;;; it's like now it's too perfect, and I guess I'm just being paranoid and such but it's like wah too perfect where's the fucking axe going to fall?
Maybe I'm just tired....it's 3.30am after all, and I woke up at 10am today (wow, 6hrs of sleep) Listening to all that music today also made me feel slightly ill (bearbear's giving me that expression that I should go to bed and stop being on the computer and 'Are You Dumb?' face) Tomorrow is kor's birthday too, must send SMS. Ahhhh it's weird but sometimes I just really miss my siblings hurhur....actually I think I'm just kinda tired @_@ possibly need more sleep
okay, off now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:42 a.m.+
So I decided to skip out of ficwriting in favour of blogging because I haven't done it in a while, and I think I should before I forget everything. Mostly it's been hetic, it's that dizzying yet exhalirating feeling of being back to school again with lectures and tutes and new people to sort out - and I had this really 'cool' feeling when people recognised me and greeted me back. Even something as simple as 'hey, how have you been?' seems so uplifting.
Anyway I've sorted myself into Media and Everyday Life in Asia aka. PIKACHU!subject. Why is it dubbed pikachu!subject? Because on the FIRST DAY of lecture she did a pikachu!impression o.O;;;;; and it was a scarily accurate one. She is also a total Japanophile, and told us that it was basically Japanese Popular Culture (killed subject) REMIX v.2, which probably means I can write a paper on taisho roman and lolita culture and get away with it. She also asked me to send her a poupeegirl invite, which I'm really happy to give (lol, +30ribbons!) Funny part was that she thought I was a Japanese major, which I am absolutely not.
Net Comns is basically a totally geeky course run by total geeks wearing a Jesus tie-dye shirt which made everyone in the LT laugh politely. He was all about the topographical geography of the INTARWEBZ and history of the INTARWEBZ and stuff like TCP/IP and how the internet was formed blah blah blah.......... in other words, total geekdom. The final assignment involves uploading your final essay (oh hay, 4,500 words!) on to your handmade website which (quote)"Must Reflect the Content of the Essay"(unqouth)....does that mean that I can put Java applets of fiery hell burning though???? It certainly reflects my feelings about essay writing and the subject.
I feel like adding one of those cursor-trail script and polytonal midi soundtrack just to piss the shit out of them too :x
I didn't bother attending Writing Journalism. It's probably going to be like Professional Writing redux, which means every fucking week I have to submit a fucking piece of writing based on my (lack of) opinion. I hope they allow pairwork because if it does, I can do the interviewing and someone else can do the editing. I'm just not a good editor :/
On the other hand, Media Modes is actually pretty funny. I walked into the first tute today and there was only 5 people. It was raining, so I thought maybe people were late when Mr Tilsdale walked in and said: 'well, it's great everyone is here!' and I was like WTF THE TOTAL ENROLMENT OF THE COURSE IS 5 PEOPLE?!?! seems like that's the minimum requirement for the course to run lol. Anyway it's pretty cool, we get to shoot and edit our own films on both digital video and 16mm film reels. I've got a couple of ideas already, and I'll probably sketch them out once I get the chance to. There's the pirates vs ninjas one, then living together one and the wonderful scream one. I think I work better faster though, so I really want to shoot'em quick before I lose my interest (y hallo short attention span!)
Tomorrow I'm going to catch a free screening: dark days (2000) which is actually the topic for next week's lecture. I'm also downloading HD version of Antique Bakery, just because I can and I will and I totally want to see Ohno in the club scene *_____* lol, fangirl fangirl~
The weather has been chilly though, which is good/bad. It's good because I prefer cold to hot, it's bad because my socks get soaked all the time. We're still eating oden, and Saturday is marketing day so hopefully we'll have enough food to last us through then (should have, since I just added new stuff in) I also sent all my coats/jackets for dry cleaning which is great because it seems like the worst of summer is over, so we can expect more cold fronts as we progress into autumn/winter. I've also gotten into the retarded habit of stealing newspapers from the union house everyday too ^^;;;; but hey, it's good for media-kiddies and I need something to whack bugs too!
Monday I'm going down to VCA to pickup a tripod and a flash, aklsfdahjdfkjl I missed the appointment on Wednesday because I miswrote 11am as 1pm >_________> I'm so sorry cherie! *guilts* so I'll go on Monday then. Hopefully the weather will be a tad less windy too. I'm not too bad about the rain, but the wind makes me totally messy and shit and random note: I can't seem to find the waist ties for the alice chess skirt too urghhhhhhhhhh :( I hope I didn't lose them or sth, they could be in my underwear drawer since I keep bloomers/detachable sleeves inside too.
going off now, my toes are frozen!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:15 a.m.+
First off, thanks for all the well-wishers on my birthday! I was really grateful and everything despite that it started shittily (well, first day of uni and all). In fact, I was planning to be all disgusting and morose by buying myself cake and a single movie ticket because I reckon'ed no one would care anyway. Met Cherie at VCA, then went to Armadale and then Flinders, where I got a box of cupcakes and a baugette (with a free waffle from the french shop!<3) went home and was so tired that I just napped. In the end, I got a really great surprise...omg wine and chocolate cake and sparklers and all *_____* thanks very much<3
Other than that, the weather has been quite shitty. Yesterday was hot/cool/hot/cool and today was a veritable dust-storm. Seriously, it was so dusty there was a haze bank rising from inside the city and I swear I could taste grit in my mouth when I spoke. It didn't help that jiawei was sick - she couldn't walk properly, only hobble and she was really in pain >__< bought some jamon ham to cheer her up (which is delicious with shaved guyere, just sayin'). And then around 8-9, it started to RAIN and the tempreture dropped by 10++ degrees in 15mins. We're talking about from 28 to 15 or thereabouts. Made (fusion) oden for dinner, which was well recieved since it's pretty filling and wintery and tomorrow I'll make hamburgers or sth.
Still trying to complete the akame fic.....I guess the problem is that I think the middle has changed, or I have changed. Murkier, less.......dunno, forced? I prefer more ambiguity, and I keep seeing this image in my head to write and write but the internet has been terrible lately, and I just don't know anymore. Back to the internet, I've been online/offline/online/offline so much because the connection has been so wonky :x I guess the weather is to blame, since it's usually quite stable. I think some of the powerlines and stuff have been affected by the gale wind and bushfires....it's very likely anyway.
btw poupeegirl is NUTSSSSSS now DDDD: it's really turning into a desperate event after event thing wtf wtf wtf. I really want the mint hairbow though ;____; AHHH BUT IT'S 120 RIBBONS WTF WTF WTF better start posting items soon I guess, but I feel so lazy about doing it =_=;;;;
anyway I have class tomorrow quite early, so nights all!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:23 a.m.+
Woke up to go to the market; which was really funny because I thought I woke up late when actually I woke up early. Rolled those two out of bed, then set off. The day was actually really good today; cool and windy and sunny and perfect like how Saturdays were made to be. Bought a whole week's worth of groceries - the best deal being a HUGE rainbow trout for 11.50 and 7 mackerals. The problem was they were all fresh-as-daises and TOTALLY uncleaned so we hauled all our groceries (+500g of mince, another bunch of fish for tsu's birthday, 300g salami and some cheap carrots and garlic)
Lunch was really REALLY awesome, I'm so glad I sharpened my knives the night before because cutting it thin enough for sashimi requires a really sharp knife. The butterfish (hiromi? shirome? ibodai?) was really good, the maguro was so-so, I did a quick pan-sear for the salmon which was also very good. Tossed lightly with rocket + vingeriette = HEAVEN. Next time, I'm buying more butterfish. It tastes great panfried, and has a good texture/sweetness that makes it suitable for both sashimi, frying and steaming (how rare is that?!) It's pretty reasonable in terms of price....I think maybe it's in season now??? I saw quite a lot of stores selling it.
Afterwards we turned into a fish factory with audrey cleaning my oven. So while she was cleaning the oven, I put jiawei into work with me to de-gut, de-scale and package the mackerel before all of them go spoilt....which is really common since the fish quality degenerates very fast for pike mackerel. I've never actually de-gutted a fish more than once, and OMG THANK GOD FOR SHARP KNIVES.
It's actually really easy once you get the hang of it. Pierce the belly, move knife up and down until the dorsal fin (bottom fin) is loose enough to be pulled. Pull dorsal fin upwards towards the head and yank very hard. After that, use a smaller paring knife to pull all the guts/black blood out on to a plastic bag. Rinse with cold water. Pass to Jiawei for de-scaling. Repeat.
The only thing I didn't account for was that pike mackeral has spines at both the sides and top and they are fucking sharp. I didn't cut myself with a knife, but those freakin' spines punctured my fingers quite a bit. It was a very 'OW' moment :/ Jiawei couldn't get them off by scraping, so I butterfly'ed them off. Afterwards I prepared a quick mix of vinegar (2 parts), oil (1 part) and lemon juice to rub into the belly and around the fish to preserve freshness/colour and to prevent my freezer from stinking. Mackerel is REALLY smelly like whoa.....When I first opened the (uncleaned) bag, I had to take a moment to calm down and actually breathe because it smelt so noxious (no wonder people say it's a cheap fish LOL)
Anyway after cleaning and prep, I wrapped them up in clingfold and placed them all in a blue plastic bag and chucked them into the freezer. They'll probably keep for a week and considering the amount of fish we eat it's about 2 pcs of fish/meal......or so I've worked out. I'll probably just broil it or fry it, since it seems to be a pretty easy going type of fish. Need a pair of oven tongs though hmm...
That said, I went swimming today as well! I did 20 laps, and the weather was lovely although a bit chilly as the evening wore on. Detoured around Princes Park on the way home because the sunset was so brilliant. I really think it's going to rain soon, because the stormcloud was so huge and ominious......and that's GREAT because bushfires are still going on, and we could use some rain down here in Melbourne.
Went home around 7ish and prepared the rainbow trout. I'm actually quite n00b about all this stuff; I've never cooked at home since Aya does most of it, what I know is mostly from magazines/cookbooks which I 'borrow' for my lunch reads and well - I guess I just relied on the freshness of the fish for the taste since we bought it today. So I lined the base with aluminium, tossed a bit of oil at the base and chopped up some root veg (potato, carrot) with garlic + black pepper. Marinated the fish with vingar, olive oil, garlic, wasabi and soy sauce + black pepper and stuffed the belly with leftover rocket and left it to bake for around 20mins on 200deg. It was really a huge-ass fish (about 800g) so it took stupidly long to cook and we were SO BLOODY HUNGRY since we were watching iron chef at the same time.
It turned out really well! OMG, so amazed. Next time I'll add 4 cloves of garlic instead of 3, and maybe some mushrooms to soak up the sauce. Appallingly, we managed to finish the ENTIRE fish as well as 2.5cups of rice (we usually cook 3 cups though :x). There wasn't a single thing left. The head was decimated. The tail was cleaned off by tsu and OMG I NEVER KNEW BUT CARROTS TASTE REALLY GOOD LIKE THAT. I actually ate them because they tasted so good. In fact, we were pretty much prodding about for the vegetables LOL next time, I'll probably add more.
Anyway, now I'm seriously stuffed. Possibly with higher than usual levels of mecury, but what the heck. I love fish. MMMM THEY ARE SO DELICIOUS Y/Y?????? Then watched this really cheena Jet Li movie called 'Fearless' which had a lot of awesome kungfu cinematography and slow-mo movement scenes and a lot of fighting (duh). After that was film shorts; the weirdest one was the Korean "Sweat" and Singapore "Haze". The Singapore short had the BEST (or worst, depending on your sensibilities) dialouge ever. These teenagers were having sex and it went something like this:
guy: 'did i put it in?'
girl: 'no, i think it's a bit lower.'
guy: 'ok. does it hurt?'
girl: 'ok lah.'
and other LULZ worthy lines. I can't decide if I like it or not, but it was pretty fun to watch. The Japanese one called 'POOF!' was really cute too and the PikaPika Light Project just seemed quite fun....didn't catch the rest though, 'cause I went upstairs to bathe and talk to Aya
OK now I'm going off to sleep
nights' all
tomorrow gonna run some errands
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:36 a.m.+
I have a headache that feels like a million jackhammers pounding against my skull from the left side. It is so spazzingly painful that I feel like cringing, to the point that anything bright is stabbing through my eyeballs. If I unclench my teeth I can feel it throbbing through my teeth down the left of my cheek and into my jaw and top molar and god, it fucking hurts and hurts and hurts but I'm still here; typing away
There's a lot of things I want to talk about, but none of them are writing inside out. Most of all I just want to write [] [] [] [] type of blank spaces and close my eyes to it and live in some kind of Nothing. Sometimes I wonder what's it like to die, would anyone come for my funeral? Would any of my friends cry? Would I have any friends in the first place? Maybe everyone I know will come, and they'll chat over drinks and go 'she had so much potential' and sigh and shake their head and think about what a loony I've been to waste away like that. Maybe no one will come, and only Aya Kor and Mom will be there to light candles for me. Maybe someone would finally say; 'I love you.'
Maybe.
I hate heat. I hate the denseness, I hate the humidity and the feel of being a dried out corpse with flies buzzing over and mosquitoes trying to worm their way through windows and gaps and suck your blood. I read a book today, like I said I would. I did laundry too, and handwashed my dress instead of tossing it into the laundry like I usually did. Maybe I should invest in a garment bag, or bucket. Maybe if I get a big enough bucket I could pour everythig I ever wanted to say in, and wash away all the words and text with clean water until I felt clean and new again. Maybe if I learned how to wash away words, I could wash away the past as well like rivers of ink running into black water
I think like, exorciate must be right y'know. It must be right because we all do it, we hurt ourselves to live and live to hurt and dwell in it as though it's the only thing that can make happiness more real and fragile at the same time. Maybe it's really what I'm doing; she's buying bandages and craft knives and I'm sitting here doing it with words. I play them like scrabble, mix them like mahjong and each word is like a taste and each taste is like a poison and each poison is like a thought like an acid like like like....
I am so scared, can you blame me?
I am so scared, and there is no one
I can talk about it, and look at it from every angle and perspectives and the words come freeing up like a dirge I kept underground but nothing will make the fear go away. I don't want it anymore. I want you. I don't like pain. I care. I want life in past tenses, I want things set in futures and clear dividing lines like race starts with 'Go, Get Set - START!' so I'll know when to start and when to finish and each chapter closes like a turn of a page and so I'll know - I'll know y'see and then I won't have to wonder again
I want to breathe, I want to be human, I want to live and learn and laugh. I want to pick the cheapest ham in supermarkets and cook for people, I want to love, I want to eat icecream in summers and go swimming and eat strawberry cake. I want to run through winter and jump in spring, I want to make snow angels and snow lights and try out Sweden and I want I want I want
I want life
Like now, living in a shell is both safe and painful like a headache that never goes away. I feel like a ghost of myself, I say: 'well, I need time to recover' but it's been months and months and I have created nothing and lived nothing. I give up halfway, pat myself and go 'it's OK' but it's not because I don't want to be like this. I want to make things all over but it seems to hard, to start again. Something needs to give, soon. now.
I dreamt of tengteng today; so odd, but I dreamt about my cousin and tomatoes, and supermarkets and I woke up confused and out of it, as though someone was saying something but I couldn't quite hear properly. I went back to sleep again, trying to grasp the remains of it but all I felt was just.......I dunno, it was just weird. Maybe I should I understood more. Or not.
I really want uni to start. Start, and let things begin again
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:55 a.m.+
there is this and there is that;
there are ways apparently
to draw out posion
from wounds&cuts&tiny hurts
like magpies drinking turtle-
tears; but no one's ever thought of ways
to draw out those poison thoughts
like mine
i am in a cross between a bitchy, sobering mood full of vicious cruelty that i never knew i had until now, but it's kept safely bottled by living domesticatedly. i rant and rave to lemon, olive oil and white wine vingar as i toss my salads with raging vingerette. the sourness is piquant and delicious, but so are the tasty thoughts of revenge. i feel like a peculiarly domesticated explosion, just waiting for the right spark to appear
there's rage and pain and somewhat controlled destruction because i know myself well, and emotional self-control has always been something i'm good at. i repress things like the way normal people tidy cupboards and sweep floors and file papers because i like my life compartmentalised and in stacks; and because it never meant to happen that way. i feel dumb, and in that feeling of shameful stupidity i can tell myself that it's Really Stupid in caps, so i let it down and go.
there are movies i watched; babylon disease which has the best lines ever like the arse needs the sun, or not paying bills to companies that don't care about me. or mothers that would say anything. line after line of truth and mockery in equal force, and you laugh laugh laugh so hard about it until your stomach aches and you don't know if you're laughing at yourself or them anymore.
it's also blindingly terrifyingly annoyingly hot and hot weather grates on my nerves like houseflies around lamps. it makes me irritable and headachey, and i sit in a room that has the windows/blinds totally drawn at all times with the fan blasting at full force. heat + tsu = not a good combination. to add to my list of 'fucking irritable' is that my timetable is progressively Not Good. why? because apparently i'm not allowed to take my complusory subject for major WTF. for some inexplicable reason, it has yet again been Fucked Up By University Admin....if it doesn't get sorted by monday, i'm going to do the singaporean thing and complain
tomorrow i'm going to just take it easy and make myself a ham sandwhich. i'm going to roll downstairs and finish my book, buy myself some cake and hopefully finish writing the fic before my birthday. actually i should be heading down to sweet source to ask them to bake me a cake, but man i'm so freakin' lazy nowadays i can't even be bothered to get someone make my birthday cake. maybe i'll do it on saturday, when the weather is less hot.
other than that i signed up for dance and film society, just because that's the two that actually interests me. i really want to pick up latin street dance, because it will hopefully 1.)make me wear heels better 2)more graceful 3)go clubbing more stylishly. the second one is because i join film society every year, just because i like pizza and p0rno european flicks arthouse movies with p0rny deep and meaningful plots about the p0rn existence of life, the universe and everything. it's like when they show things like rules of attraction, bus stop Maria, Full of Grace that makes me think of sweaty, naked orgies important life changing issues.
........yeah man, i'm so intellectual
lol
anyway i'm off to sleep. tired.
i also really need to skype home...
haven't seen anyone online lately though, wassup with everyone?!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:32 a.m.+
Chatereuse, seagreen, limewater, cerulean, aliceblue, ultramarine, prussian, cobalt........and pink.
Went to St Kilda today, it was fun! Actually I would've gone anyway, I just needed to get away. Sometimes I just do - the past few nights have evoked a kind of restlessness that makes me want to come closer and pull away at the same time. I take walks at 2am - like what? but it was good. it felt right. The clean, sharp wind that cleanses the mind to the pulsating sodium light of flickering street lamps and the shadow that plays at your feet
Yesterday I saw the Milky Way, and played hopscotch with my shadow and it was cold and windy and probably wasn't the smartest to wear shorts in 15 degrees but who cares right? The sky was huge and beautiful, and it looked as though you could reach out and grasp infinity and it was just like that - reassuringly large and unknown and so awesome that you felt small and insignificant at such daily wonder. That's right, the breath of coldwater that you have to dive into, the wakeup call that cleanses your soul and tells you: 'your worries are nothing. nothing, as infinite as the stars'
I wish; I could capture just a fragment of such daunting beauty. Capture it, bottle it and hold it close like a quiet prayer
I thought of; rockling, driftwood, pinkwater and chatereuse today. Watching honeyed sunshine, crisp sour-salty scent of the rolling sea, the black arc of seagulls and dive of parachutes with soft foamy lace of wave peaks. I took enough photos, and lost a few but the best thing of today was just running at the edge as fast as I could and maybe if I ran fast enough I could run straight into the sunset like a magical beam that seared the horizon like some kind of sci-fi laser bomb. I could watch from the breakwater the last of the dipping sun, merely a drop against the peering edge and the sherbet coloured clouds on illuminated dusk. catch me if you can Darkness chasing forward from shore, grey and lilac-hued; falling darkness, chasing darkness, rushing darkness against the light of day. The water changes from green to silver to gold to black, and the tide ebbs revealing seaweed layered shores.
I watched a black swan today, standing on seaweed and marsh. I watched it as it sank its beak downwards like a mini-Loch Ness, a black silohuette on marsh. I watched the play of citylights light up; pallid greens and burnt oranges and brilliant reds, passing through the faces inbetween us. The colours flow like water, water currents changing from flourescence to incandescence to rim light and the glimmmer of your eyes; wakeful. Sometimes there's so much to see, you just have to soak it all in and close your eyes....or does that sound too contradictory? The rush, the sweetness, the dense feeling as though life is perfect and life is hurtful and life is joyous and life is pain.....it's just like that, life - is everything. Everything.
I think part of what I'm feeling, is fear.
I am so scared, I want to run
I have to control it, this fear
Just think -
how frightening can this single fear be
against the daunting enomority of the sea and sky?
maybe then, life will be
in proportion
in perspective
in place
positioned; for
the new.
So, in playing I thought maybe Black Milk for some reason that has stayed with me. An image: inky dark and quiet like a dense moonlit wonderland and flitting trees like swaying shadows, the sound of the word: "shutterfly" and kusabi. Phospherence and cadaverous green, pallid and sparkling and spectural white and the hand that reaches out the tongue that licks the painfully red mouth in a kiss or hiss - who can tell? all around, in black milk is the hidden remains of pink water.
On a totally random note, kazuo umezu tshirts! That's so geeky it's like my NERV jacket (which I have already worn, thank you illogical melbournian weather) I like the green one though, hmmm.... but nah, it probably doesn't suit anything and I have enough clothes as it is
but yea, going to St Kilda really helped. At least now I have a lot more photographs to fiddle with.....picking 12 would be really hard, but it's worth it isn't it? I just want to do it because because.....because it's something to me. because it's like that, so senseless and headless. because i need closure. because of the million and zillion reasons for the because and not a single one of them is worth more than the other, but even amongst such reasons the most equal of them all stands is because i want to.
...is like the sound of saxephones
that reminds me, maybe tomorrow I will go to Benett's Lane. They have a trumpeter playing, and I like trumpets. Trumpets are like stark gold stabbings, so it all works out in my borderline morose attitude :( I just feel like writing :( :( :( emojis the whole day.....hello there, wouldn't you spare me any change please? change, I need change. change like the wind, change like a changeling cat's stolen cradle monkey punched head on a judy show rolling carts and kissing trees and why wouldn't you love me anymore?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:27 a.m.+
<3!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AYA!!!!!<3
+tsu waited for you at 12:54 a.m.+
Tired....Went swimming today, I did 8 laps!<3 The first 3 laps was really hard and the water was salty/cold, but after I got into the rhythm of it (and overcame my nervousness of swimming in a public pool) it was much easier. I realise I can swim robotically if I don't think about people or things and just concentrate on breathing and moving forward. Every time I worry, I just seize up and struggle in water. It's a good way of cleaning the mind I guess
I feel like watching a movie tomorrow, something flickering on the screen - illusively, searching meaning in a koi pond and there's it; a flash of red and gold admist the leafy, floating green. I think of a universe sunken, cool and green and watery and how it's like to peer through a goldfish eyes
Stoning a bit....well, quite a lot. Tomorrow I need to go uni and print out the stuff for the arts/music dept, then watch a movie (maybe) and send out the btssb parcel. I think one of the biggest things I miss about SG is the sound of a thunderstorm. The smell of it, the sound of it - I really miss it now :/ I miss the reddish skies like poppy fields and luminous grey banks with orange rimmed light and that heady, clean scent of oncoming rain.
quite tired, I think I'll just shutup now. Will call home tomorrow anyway, hopefully I'll get over this brainfunk soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:22 p.m.+
Whirlwind normalcy. It's too much time and too little, days passing like leaves blown in the wind. You'll think it didn't matter, one day after another fluttering away from your fingertips with closed eyes and parted smile; but that's like it isn't it? Ordinary life.
don't think, just feel
In a way it feels like balance, in another I keep worrying that one day I'll just end up tilting and the world spins again and I'll end up falling over the edge - always, again. But no one knows what's gonna happen tomorrow, right? I wish, there was a promise of security. I wish, but it'll probably never happen. I just believe it'll be alright in the end.
I think, I crave a -something-. A frisson of passion, excitement that transcends this cocooning softness that I build myself in. It's untouchably warm and fake in here, but y'know, it's a lot like what I said to Ariel - just live but then I've never been very good at taking my own (good) advice. Spirit is even more unwilling than the flesh, apparently. It's like a heedless drug addict; I know it's bad for me but I do it again and again like looping Johnny Cash songs and watching David Bowie mournful in drizzling rain. It's like thinking about thoughts that should have no words, and longing for things that would never exist and caring for people who are better left alone.
silly, silly tsu
*sighs*
Actually today and so far it's been pretty good. Lolita meet in the city (Nikki's birthday) and it was all pretty fun even though getting sloshed with alcoholic punch in the afternoon (on an empty stomach) was probably one of the stupider things I've done. It was great to catch up with everyone else though, and the fish bowl punch was AWESOME<3 as well as the chocolate fondue and chicken sandwhiches. I'm totally going there next time or something because $50 for two jugs of punch is an excellant deal. Now, if I could just find someone to cart me home after I get tipsy......
Left the party around 3.30 'cause I was planning to catch MSO with audy and jiawei but by that time I had consumed around 4 mugs of punch (40-45% alcohol) and was totally red and borderline drunk. Yes, in the mid-afternoon. On a Saturday. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL~ then bought macarons and went home to crash. CRASSSSSSSSH. woke up around 5pm and was horrified at the state of my pasta but nonetheless it tasted OK! so I wasn't too worried. It smelt alright anyway. MSO was really good but windy and cold. My ass froze and I was busy hugging people cos I was cold. I think wearing a thin dress and NERV technician jacket only with no undershirt was a stupid idea for 17 degree weather and lots of wind. Anyway it was really good and now I'm really sleepy and want to roll. I'm probably still partily drunk too woohoo
OMG JUST CHECKED EMAIL. GOT ACCEPTED TO MEDIA MODES :DDDDDDDD NO MORE POSTMODERNISM YAY YAY YAY THANK YOU MR. SEAN CUBITT!!ONEONEONE U R SO HAWT U KNOE COS UR SO COOLZ AND SAID YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ok nightssssssss will talk more tmr
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:38 p.m.+
It's weird, and possibly this won't keep up but I love mornings. I love waking up alone, when the light is still soft and tender and everything is quiet except for the rush of trams in the distance, bells jingling and I can just roll to the other side and hug bearbear and watch the light grow deeper, warmer. I love waking up at 6am best, the dark grey softening to shafts of yellow; then I'll wake up around 9am - really wake up, not the half-drowsy sleepiness that involves more pillows and squishing bearbear. Slip my feet into domo-kun slippers and stumble out to brush my teeth and wash face. I rarely breakfast, instead I grab my keys and change out for grocery shopping, the air is still light and not hazy and it's cool enough that I can wear a longsleeve cardigan out. The sunlight doesn't burn at all, but caresses like a comforting parent. It's a nice feeling, to wake up like this. It's just so easy, so simple - to live.
That reminds me I need to send out Aya's letter. It's not that I'm not free, it's more like I'm procastinating and lazy :x Ah well, I cleared one suitcase and did laundry and shit, but it's really bad to keep procastinating.......I need to draft a letter to Sean Cubitt too, and email Cherie. And then I really need to finish the mermaid fic and not-start-another-omg! fic. At least, that one has a working title black milk. What I need is a title for the mermaid story then I would be able to finish it I think. Lack of title = does not work....it's a pity because I have the ending written already, it's just the middle bit. Urgh.
On a totally different note, living so far has been great. It's strangely easy how domesticated we all are LOL I really enjoy cooking, even in such quantities. Mostly I cook what I eat in sg though....yesterday I made steamed fish with ginger, tomatoes and dried mushrooms and it pretty good, although next time I should soak the mushrooms earlier. Today I'll make the stewed cabbage with dried shrimp and chicken since it's pretty easy and I have cabbage to finish and goes well with porridge. My rice must be amazing now, since I left it to soak for like....2 days?! LOL
So the rest of the week schedule: Saturday 21st Nikkei's birthday lolita meetup, MSO concert. Sunday go swimming, must start exercise chart!! (I bought the weights and started doing them on alternate days already) Aya's birthday on the 23rd (and kame's too lol) I really hope I can keep it up~
Anyway going off to do some stuff now ie. ironing
seeya all later~<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:10 a.m.+
am sick
feel sick
urgh
urgh
urgh
godmyhead/nose/brain/throat hurts like shit
sick
sick
sick
is like a bad freeform poetry
bacteria, virus and allergic reaction
feels like shit
i wish someone can wake me up and i will be OK all over
again
love
tsu
&
her leaky nose
+tsu waited for you at 10:31 p.m.+
Waii~~~ Happy Valentines Day everyone!!
Shocking thing today, I went downstairs and saw a lump of blankets on my sofa and it was Jiawei! o.O;;;; I got the date of her arrival wrong, but thankfully I still had the ingrediants at hand for making savoury pancakes, so we ended up having ham+smokedcheese pancakes for breakfast anyway~~ they're the heavy kind though, not the fluffy ones because I didn't have any baking soda ;____; nonetheless! very delicious~~
Cooked fettuceini with pomdoro~ a very light, summery taste and the fresh basil really gives a delicious scent. I just chopped 3 tomatoes, 1 onion, 1 clove of garlic and marcerated it in olive oil, black pepper, basil and a pinch of sugar. Fry chicken in butter, then toss the veg in~ since they've been marinating for an hour or so, it was really delicious and light! I think Jiawei was kinda amused to find that I don't like tomatoes even though I can cook Italian....is that very strange??? I guess so right? LOL The chocolate mousse also turned out very beautiful - next time I'm adding less chocolate and more cream though, it's super super rich! I also added blueberries and a cookie base to the mousse, which was a good choice because you need a bit of texture to cut into the richness. All in all, I'm quite happy for valentines' day cooking - you must eat chocolate for love! ^^v!!!!!!
Although half the reason I decided to make pasta was because of this fic.....is that terrible? In the end I was thinking more of the food than the actual writing ^^;;;; I'm not so sure about garlic cream, ginger and scallops so I decided to make a lighter summery kind of no-cream/no-tomatopaste kind of sauce. If I had any white wine, I would've added some too :x sometimes I wish they sold white wine in cooking sized bottles (like 50ml) because I don't really drink that much
Oh yeah, we had midori as well!! midori + sprite then afterwards I K.O'ed over the sofa because I was so stuffed. Can you imagine??? Pancakes for brunch, pasta for dinner and chocolate mousse for dessert. Creaming the eggs was a bitch though, I want an electric beater next time! D: D: D: I'm also quite sure that we weren't supposed to add so much kirsch in, because the chocolate seized a bit but adding butter helped. It wasn't grainy in the end anyway, so I'm quite happy. Good, cheap and easy dessert. Next time I'm going to add gelatin leaf, cut down on the chocolate, add more cream and pour into a pastry case to make chocolate tart. Mousse alone is a bit rich
Anyway enough about cooking, today I did a lot of work too! My room is mostly clean, and all the sheets/linen have been ironed and arranged. It's weird but nowadays I iron my bedsheets.......omg, am I turning into mom?!? DDDDx I think ironing the sheets help though, it's really much smoother and softer because the fibres have been pressed flat. Also, all the decals and wall hangings have been put up, which makes me feel more at home now :D Audy and Jiawei thinks it looks like a 5-year old's room because it's all light blue and white and orange, plus I have cute stuff all over so it's a bit childlike I guess....BUT! not giving up cuteness lol
Tomorrow I'll start sorting out clothes and hanging them up. Winter clothes need to be sent for drycleaning in cobury because the one in Barkly Square is too expensive (plus I don't like the guy. he feels slimely :/) Then I'll chuck all the photoshoot things into the black rebook bag for convienience and access and put the suitcases up on the top. I think I'm actually quite tidy if left alone, or maybe it's because semester hasn't started yet LOL
I'm really going to catch the last MSO concert though, these past few days have just really been too busy. Cleaning, unpacking, cleaning again. If possible I would really like the yard to be cleaned, but suitcases come first. I'm worried about the yard because it invites bugs and is also a fire hazard so yeah.......hasdkfsfghfdjd!!!
So far everything has been quite pleasant, so I'm quite optimistic for the year ATM. There hasn't been any potential conflicts yet and yeahhh...I'm happy~(?) Once I get settled I'll go check out the swimming pool and shit, because I can't think of that and do this at the same time. Anyway I'm not really in a hurry. Do things properly at the right pace right??
Anyway I'll probably sleep soon. I'm actually pretty tired despite the after-dinner nap....I should really try sleeping straight for 8hrs instead of 3 hrs and another 3 in the afternoon. I guess I wake up really easily, being in new places (even if I'm there before) makes me really jumpy. That said, something really funny happened today when I accidentally set off the fire alarm LOL I forgot to turn on the vents when making pancakes and it started sounding, but O.O audrey didn't come down and we were like.......wow, she can sleep through THAT?!
going off now, my arm hurts from all that whisking and chopping today!>D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:15 a.m.+
polkadots (all about food LOL)
I love fanfics with cooking recipes involved. Anyway there's a fairly good akame fic that was describing pasta, and I was thinking maybe I could actually recreate some of the flavours listed....although I'm not too sure about adding pear into garlic/ginger cream. Usually if I'm cooking garlic cream, I prefer something sharper like chilli to cut the flavour. Pears might actually work, since ginger + pear is quite a common dessert but garlic?! It'll be a really interesting taste
On the same note, tomorrow I'm making chocolate mousse for valentine's day! I think I should do something for valentines' day even if I have no one to celebrate it with. After all, valentines' is about love isn't it? So maybe I'll call Aya/Mom afterwards on skype~<3333 I love festivals! I know MSO is playing at sidney myer but I should really stay home and clean since Jiawei is coming back on Sunday..... Also, chocolate is the flavour of valentines' isn't it? So even though I'm quite tempted to make something else, I think chocolate mousse is more apporiate<3 I guess if I ever got someone to like, I would be the type of person to make handmade chocolates??? hahaha that reminds me, Aya!! You should make ganauche chocolate fondant for pan-san for valentines! It would be so cute~~~~~~ XD
Probably going to use this recipe with a couple of alterations. First I don't like plain chocolate base, so I'll probably have a cookie crumble base/topping instead of cream (like gingersnaps? digestives?) Next is I'm probably going to halve the quantity because 6 servings of mousse is too much, even for a chocolate-addict like me....On the other hand, the extra can go to pancake-topping, which I adore~~<3<3<3 Finally, I'll add some cherry brandy and vanilla paste to the chocolate, to make it richer and more fragrant. I really like cooking! well, not always, but for the time being there's no uni so I can enjoy cooking :D not to mention now I have housemates so I don't need to try and finish everything by myself
I finished cleaning my room today, no more sitting in the living room! :D so now I have unpacking left only~ I even managed to do some laundry, isn't that great? It really makes a difference to have clean and pretty surroundings, it makes me less irritable at least. Mess is OK, but I don't really like the feel of dustyness and it sets off my allergies so now I'm feeling much better.....plus dust = bugs so less dust = less bugs
....I keep thinking about heart shaped pancakes :x
I wonder if maybe I can make a heartshape by dropping the batter to form a 'tail' (like a teardrop shape) on both sides so it forms a heart
that would be really cute, wouldn't it???
I should go and test the oven too....if it works, maybe I can make my own cake for my birthday instead :D I miss almond cakes, and melbourne ones really suck shit. The only decent one is Trevi's, but they make the Italian version with orange syrup and I don't quite like citrus with almond. I like the french version more, with pear/fig and a rich vanilla flavoured almond paste inside. That said, Aya owes me an Esterhazy torte!!! Since like, 3 years ago LOL Anyway that depends on my oven working, if it doesn't I'll just go to Sweet Source and ask them to bake a cake according to my specifications (that might be easier actually) I like the Japanese/French style strawberry shortcake aka. strawberry fraiser......unfortunately google-fu has failed me on this one, so I might end up bugging Aya to just send the reciepe over.
damnit I need my notepad to write all the things I need down for tomorrow
gonna sleep soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:09 a.m.+
I'm back in Melbourne! Actually, it's not that exciting so don't be fooled by the high~tension~!ness of this post. The house was REALLY REALLY filthy when we came back so the past few days have been cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and a bit of unpacking. There was so many spiders on the first day that we freaked out, and we haven't even started on the yard yet D: but it's okay! Slowly, but surely the place is getting cleaned up. The best part is that the wireless was fixed today, so now I have internet! kanpai! :DDDDD I'm so happy that it worked, although I keep worrying it'll conk out on me sometime or other *touchwood* setting it up was really difficult....not because I did anything wrong, but the installation verification kept failing on me and I kept getting the STUPIDEST error message: Indicator has thrown a tangent, operation failed Whatever the fuck that means :(
So I finally got it fixed this morning at like...9am. Which means I only had 3hrs of sleep ^^;;;; Went to run errands, but I was so silly! Left my passport at home by accident so I had to run back to get it before going to the bank :/ Anyway I got my NAB card back, which is really important....tomorrow is more cleaning and unpacking, I really want to do laundry! Dx
Going to sleep now~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:53 p.m.+
byebye with a lonely-wonely tear drop
BOAAAAARDING and I'm still doodling on the computer. LAST DAY IN SG whoa~~~ guess what I did?? Eat as much sashimi as I could at Sakae Sushi/T2. How cool is that??? Now they're all 'thank you for waiting now we're inviting seat numbers blah blah' and I'm vaguely worried that Audrey and I are on different flights becuase there are 3 flights going to Melbourne apparently.....all at the same time whoa! The queue is so long and pointless and so I'm gonna follow celine's method of walking in after everyone else has boarded because it's so boring if not. It's not like the inflight entertainment (omg pls don't break down) is going to start anyway
Slightly anxious but butterflies excited~~~ it looks like a full flight! also, mom kicked me off too early because I ended up getting in around 7.50, leaving me close to 30mins of do nothingness except surf. Don't even know if my sms got through to aya/gloria~~ in any case, happy early birthday gloria!! am boarding now will call once get back to aust hurhur
On another note my HP is now full of zipais because my mom is a zipai-er and aya and i have very :D!smiles woohoo it's like :Dv! and i dunno if she saw my ONE DROP! move after i passed immigration. it was a little way off and i got slightly stuck because I put my book in the wrong direction LOL~~~~
man the queue is long D: I'm not gonna join it until I can actually see the end of it
byebye!!!!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:22 p.m.+
One Drop is strangely addictive; as in, initially it didn't strike me as anything but now I have the irritating tune stuck in my head so I'm looping it (horrors) They really look like cheap Las Vegas pimps on the PV though LOL~ and Kame's hair! It looks like MatsuJun's! O:!!! or maybe it should be a D: face instead because MatsuJun = slappable face
Yesterday we went to Shimbashi Soba (again!!!) it's like the 3rd time o.O;;;; but I really love that place anyway, so I'm not bothered by it. The ten-seiro is my favourite, and I always order the aoma goma cream kake as well because it just goes so well together<3333 Then today! Is my chinese birthday! :DDDDDD So mom brought us out for dinner again~ (since we can't celebrate the original day, so we celebrate this one) But even though it started off rocky, it was really great in the end. The problem was that mah-mah was being a bitch again what's new? which made mom really annoyed, not to mention the fantastic traffic jam outside the house....
Anyway we had dinner at Au Petit Salut bistro!<3 eehhh~~ it was really nice, I haven't had decent french food for a while. I actually really like nicely done (unpretentious) french food - not everyday, but as a special event?? The lamb shank was really good and so was the escargots....totally oishiii!!!!!!<333333 I just wish they had the chocolate cake dessert though, but the financier dessert with fruit compote was equally nice. I really like the crunchy honey pieces on it :D
I *STILL* have a mekajiki craving though how how how???? D: Sakae sushi is in T2 not T3!!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:16 a.m.+
johnnycash bangin' my register
I actually really like Johnny Cash. He's got a lovely, gravelly voice that sounds perfect for sandstones and erosion, especially when he rolls the sound of empire of dirt with the soft 'e' and hard 't' and it just sounds so beautiful as though he spoke with earth
but OK, I'm avoiding the actual topic
It took me something like 30mins today to type a 'hey' on MSN. 30mins if you just count the time it took me to type it and leave the window open without hitting the enter key. If you count the shower, general sit-in-water and go-kitchen-to-rummage then you have something like a 1hr 45mins of 'hey'.
that by the way, is the longest 'hey' I've ever written
unless you count the 3hr 'hi' I wrote to dad
I just don't want it to be so uncomfortable. Right now it's stalemate, detente or whatever you want to call it and it's so awkward I just never ever want to be a person again. It's the 'oh god i could just die' valleygirl speak. And I reeeeeeeeeeeeally hate it. I'm an avoident person by nature, ultimate anti-conflicter so not being comfortable in my own home will probably drive me crazy....
.....not to mention there's a niggling sense of guilt for making Jiawei live with this. It's not really fair to her, this awkward ten~sion :/ urgh.
So even though common consensus has said: "It's not a problem if you don't think of it as one" - in truth, I do think it's a problem. I guess that's the only reason why I would have a 'hey' typed in an MSN box even though I really really would rather not....but someone's gotta do this, someone's gotta give in and stick out the (possibly sparse) olive branch and since audy will never do it, it'll have to be me. again
SO. OK. well. in all counts, it was awkward but at least civil and since i picked a topic that was familar to both of us it wasn't too bad. world war III isn't going to happen soon i hope
----------------------
Went out with Aya to the ossan-place! LOL~ seriously that place is total old people place. There's even a nursing home nearby xDDD anyway I went to collect my dress(es) and a shirt, while Aya got her jacket and dress cut. Ate bao and soya milk and char siew and took the horribly long 174 route all the way from interchange to home. so tiring
Dad came at 5.30, dinner at Hong Leong Gardens and omg chirashiiiii *______________* and then drove all the way to king albert park macdonald's for icecream~ not bad. Actually dad was in a frighteningly good mood, which kinda scares the &^%$! out of me on some level. Something dodgy's in the air~ if he's do happy~ or maybe I'm just being paranoid. Just because....
Going out dinner with mom and aya tomorrow and we're going to take purikura! :D! kyaaaa~~~ soba makes me really happy, but I want to eat mekajiki too ;_; please please? I also want to load up on as much of the puchipuchi prawns and umaaaiiii!soba
would I even have room for dessert? i wanna know!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:48 a.m.+
........I am seriously grounchy over the fic. It's 3,145 words and still not done. WHAT. It's even longer than my essays for uni. WAT D: Not to mention that I'm usually the no.1 person for writing super short one-shots. I do NOT like extended endings plzkthxbai.
Ugh, I just want to finish it. It's been sitting in the backburner since Janurary because after that entire mess (tm) I just didn't want to write or read any fics for the month or so until aya and I started watching QOP and CTKT together. Now I not only have to finish it on my own, but I have no one to bounce ideas on or a beta to check my spelling :/ I'll probably send a notice after I finish this; something like: heya i need a beta, please? and see how many people are interested. It's even worse than dating I swear, because when it comes to writing I'm picky and ansty and shy, and it takes forever for me to post that's why.
So even though it started out as yukinohime (yea man, I name my fics after BTSSB print lines lol) it's now tentatively placed as 'dark water'. Actually if I wanted to be really pissy about it I could name it 'Stella Was A Diver And She Was Always Down' but it would only make sense to me, and I would be the only person laughing .____.;;;;;;;;; my jokes are probably beyond most of the normal akame fandom, since my JE-exp is kinda low.
There's Tranquilise to edit/post to, and I'm so fucking lazy. I don't like the ending now, and after editing it all over I'm left with 500 words out of the original 2,840. I kinda wanna post it like that, but I hate the unfinishedness of drabbles - I rarely do them, because they're like tapas to me and I'm a french sorta girl. I like meals, not snacks. I just keep thinking of that Johnny Cash song instead, and I know I know I know what you're thinking but
but it's okay right? if it keeps the demons gone
So now I'm basically quite fucked. I'm bored and I want to finish this fic, I can't decide on the ending on whether I should kill off Pi or not (Kame and Jin are already goners, fyi) I can't decide what's the best way of Kame!abuse either, I mean - I got the how to: torture part done, but not the 'why he's being tortured' part cleared. I figured a domestic arguement would be pretty good, but that's more like me than like the fic so that's kinda out. Maybe Kame running Pi with a knife? Kame talking to the lake? Yeah man, life's a bitch when I'm writing your characters.
On the other hand I cleaned my community up a bit. Nicer layout, cleaner font and finally some tags. Not all working but what the hell, at least I tried. I just really want a beta to talk to, but without AIM. MSN only plz. Maybe email, but I hate emails - y'know? It takes me forever to draft one. It took me 3hrs to draft one to my dad, another 2hrs to write a 2 liner to my aunt and yeah. AWKWARD. I rarely write long emails for that reason. Most of the time, if I can get away with it I'll just throw in a bunch of emojis and hope for the best
Today I just slept a lot. So tired. Yesterday was really draining and I've been out for too long. I just want to hug and roll someone before I go back to Aust and have no one to hug :( Audrey came to pick up some stuff and it was so awwwwwwwwkward that even Aya commented on it. LOL, she said I made the same face and spoke the same way that I would to mah mah~ hahaha....it's really funny, because I wasn't really thinking when I was doing it. I just wanted to get it over and done with, and be as polite as possible and say all the things I had to say ie. 'thanks for coming.' 'i'll see you in melbourne' 'would you like to come in?' because that's what being civil is about and I've been brought up to know better. urgh. It doesn't stop the extreme awkwaaaaaaaaaaaaaard though. Horrors. I can't imagine going through dinner like this everyday Dx ah well, like JW said I brought this on myself when I asked her to live with me .____. aw fuck it, it's a year, I can live with that.
So yeah, it just feels like an ongoing detente :/
I just don't like it
It's not that I want to be friends....
but this is my home too
and I really don't want to be so uncomfortable in my own house
Leaving on Tuesday is both sad and exciting.
Urgh, better sleep now. It's 7am! *dies*
I'll just continue writing it another day
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:45 a.m.+
Ah, I am TOTALLY *TOTALLY* addicted to the TABOO instrumental version. It sounds like something straight out of a gothier Pirates of Carribean and god I don't care if they don't sing because the opening is hauntingly effective. In my minds' eye I can almost see it - dark murky water with luminous algae and the sounds of water; a flick of a fishtail, a glimpse of eyes and the haunting beat of tribal drums. Overhanging creepers and a tiny canoe with a lone lantern, trapped in this massive forest. You'll think of monsters: wil'o'wisps and gilflappers and kappas and banshees and those lovely lovely mermaids with pale blue skin and green hair as they lure men into those dark, deadly waters....
ANYWAY. that song wins
arrangement-wise, it is frighteningly addictive
especially the instrumental version
Today was really good. Went out lunch with Aya because yesterday she cooked me soba and also that CTKT featured an episode on ten-zaru soba and Aya was like OMG I WANT!!111oneone lol~ so I brought her to Shimbashi Soba which is one of the best soba joints in Singapore. They make handmade soba, which is delightfully springy and the ebi was total UMAIIIII!!!!!!<33333 lol~ I wish I had a camera that recorded Aya miming eating an ebi though~ it really feels like it's exploding in your mouth with crunchiness!<3
Afterwards went to buy film and OMG Ruby as well as all the film shops in SG were all sold out! Apparently all the Lomo-people have been buying up all the E6 and HP4....for crossprocessing for all fucking things :( OK. I never understand why people use Fujifilm to crossprocess when the effects tend to look like shit. PLUS. LOMO IS OVERRATED! grrr, I desperately want to murder them and their bloody toy cams although I can't really say much because I own a holga and Jiawei owns an LCA. We're not pretenious about it though, it's a plastic camera and that's it - not some multi-million dollar amazing-beyond-belief omg!enlightment! camera. Also, *SOMEONE* bought up all the polaroid film stock wtf....thankfully the shopkeeper of Ruby gave me an AMK tipoff so what else? I went there
Travelled from City Hall to AMK, and OMG YES. THE CAKE WAS NOT A LIE. THEY REALLY *DO* SELL POLAROIDS FOR $25/PACK. WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN. PROCEED TO TEXT EVERYONE WITH MASSIVE :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D EMOJIS. SO HAPPY. SKIPPED OUT OF THE SHOP. :D :D :D :D :D :D
Aya went to TP for her bubble tea, and I continued on to Bugis to meetup with Jiawei and bitch about those LOMO-assholes who bought up allllll our film. Checked out the last of Topshop/Muji sales and I got a nice, lime green cardigan which makes me look approximately.....10. LOL It's really cute though! It's so light and soft, and it feels so springlike~ I think it's one of those colours that wearing would make you feel all cheerful and happy. Met up with Gloria and Steffi after that at Chinatown for this AWESOMEEEEE south Indian food. It was really really good, especially the RICE. OMG. The rice with yohgurt was the BEST THING EVER. Tried to find a dessert place, but all shops were closed so we settled for Mac's which - I can't believe our bad luck but, the icecream machine broke down! D: D: D: On the way picked up yet another 3 packets of polaroid film from this shop in Chinatown for $29.50.....a really good deal considering Cathay Photo is selling for $42/pack. WTF. Daylight robbery damn them.
Sleepy....I'm not gonna bother going out tomorrow since I've been going out too much plus I'm totally broke after buying tripod + all that film + lightmeter + everything else. I also should start on a bit of packing and sorting since I'm leaving on Tuesday :/ Once I get to Melbourne I have 2 items to ship out (Cardsuit baniran JSK + Moitie Cathedral OP) as well as a sales post to make. Anything else I've forgotten? hmmmm...I wish the downloads would move faster?? LOL, hurry up 87%!! multi-angle six senses? yes yes yes~~
ahhh I'm really going to miss being here. I'm comfortable here and I don't really want to face anything. Does that make me very escapist? I just hate conflict. But OK....I believe everything will work itself out in the end, even if no one will be satisfied with it there will always be an ending worked out.
On a purely gossipy note: Kami no Shizuku getting cut short?!?!?!?
I feel kinda sorry for him. It's not his fault that he has to accept whatever job that Johnny makes him do and that these scripts really really suck. Look, I could write a drama waaaaay better than the producers of whatever shit (for srz). What kind of dramas tend to win supersnazzy ratings? Think. Nobuta. Gokusen. Yukan Club. HanaKimi. HanaYoriDango. Nodame. Mei-chan no Shitsuji. For fuck's sake just give him a fucking highschool drama!
If not, there's always period dramas XD
I do feel it's unfair though. I don't understand why he has to work with shitty timeslots, possibly the worst plots I've ever seen and unsuitable roles. Yes, unsuitable. There's no one person in the world who can act everything - some people do better in comedy, some people do better in serious dramas and there's even some who specialise in horror/villiany. That's not a bad thing, because it develops a reputation and experience but on the other hand this really really sucks because it makes Kame look like a shit actor (when he's not) because these roles are totally unfit for him.
anyway my file is almost done
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:07 a.m.+
ahhh when I make a new layout (which should be soon, since I want a new one for my birthday), i think i'll call it peacefuldays because somehow it's addictive?? it's the kind of thing to listen and feel cheerful about - as though you could fly kites and run up hills as though you owned the entire world and the entire world owned you.
actually, I didn't do anything today. I had a huge and awesome plan to do A Lot Of Things, all of which fell flat because I was busying downloading ctkt and thus slept at some ungodly hour (aka. 8am) Actually the only thing I did today that I said I would do is finish an LJ layout. It's not perfect and certainly not as nice as my pitas one but it's a definite improvement from the previous one. At least, it has a goldfish! :D At any rate it looks cleaner, so I'm quite happy. Not seeking high-octane graphics here, just something so I don't have to cringe when I look at it. Also updated the profile layout a bit - might as well. It's not good to update half-heartedly!
Vaguely restless but not. Restless in the sense that I feel too wakeful, but I'm tired as well. I don't actually want to go out anymore but I will because it's more polite and also I don't know when I will see them next. So I'll probably go. Besides, I should feel happy that people care enough about me to seek me out - I'm not the most sociable person of the lot, and it's really nice that people remember. I really should be a more considerate person I think :/ next time, I'll make it a point to send catch up messages via email so it doesn't feel so distant
oh yeah! I really like Six Senses the one time... is really addictive. The beat is nice for walking too :D it's the kind of song I'll play when walking home from uni to feel more energetic after work, if not I'll probably just give in and tram home to save my feet XD not to mention listening to Jin's American accent amuses me beyond belief. Sorry, but when he goes: 'Put your fucking hands up!' I just start giggling xDDDDD now guys~~ let's dyyaaan~ceee omg kame your engrish is so cute
That reminds me, I need to rip my own CD because I don't actually have the mp3s LOL I just have it on the QOP tour. Is it weird or what?
On less stupid news, I really should start packing to go back Aust soon. I'll miss home though ;___________; especially mom and aya. There is really nothing more wonderful than being with your real family. Urgh. I think maybe I'm growing old because I don't feel like being moved around anymore - not that I don't like travelling, but sometimes I just want to dig my feet somewhere and plant in land. Land! y'know something funny, I thought when I ever became rich&famous (like in the daydreaming way) I'll go buy some land infront of a beach and in the mornings there would be a sea fog rolling in so it looks like there is no sky or water - only a large rolling expanse of emptiness. Within it, the sound of the sea. the rrr-sswashhhh when it goes ebbs and flows against the cold, compact sand. quiet and still and lovely. lovely like november winter mornings.
anyway I'm off to try and sleep earlier
I still have to do those things, even if I didn't finish anything today
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:36 a.m.+
......err yeah D: seems like I can't consolidate my thoughts today LOL must be all the Ueda-fangirling and OMG KAMEFLIRT! while watching Queen of Pirates with aya today~ it's so fun to watch with someone though! I can't help but think about that Italian dude on CTKT - "love makes everything for interesting because there is two". It's really true, it wouldn't be so fun if I didn't have someone to squee about to :D :D :D
ANYWAY! 24! I really think I want to change the name of it to excrepts...naming after timing seems so common, plus i'm developing a pattern for numbers. must change! so excerpts...do you think it's a nice name? I think about it in the way like bits and pieces of conversations, because it's going to be like a square jigsaw puzzle y'see? like a story with 2 sentances. a conversation in jumps. the feeling is very much samichii wo chojaru yo~~ *cutesyspeak* LOL maybe not so cute...but more neo-romance??? the last few projects i did was all very violent and not really modern (unless you count technique..) orpheus is very oldskool, so was bodies in water...then even the lolita photoshoots i did all dealt with 'old' vices of envy and wrath and death....i really think i like violence! most of the things i make have a violent edge...although bodies in water is very soft and tender feeling. i think the reason why that was so tender was because at that point in time, i was reflecting on my own self and the feeling of 'new skin' and being reborn echoed...so the overall mood was quieter
but excrepts!! is the first project i did without thinking. as in, i took the photos first before creating the project. usually i'm very precise - to the point that cherie calls me a technique-perfect obessesion. a lot of it is just flattery, but a bit of it is true. i get very annoyed at bad technique :x i think polaroid is the best medium for this, to capture the feeling of 'instantness' and 'without thinking'. this kind of medium stops me from overthinking a project...
i have 2 or 3 settled images, but i'm still looking for more. i'm trying very very hard to just 'find' them and not set up any scenerios (although i'm really tempted :/) yesterday i really had to stop myself from setting up a background and putting mom's vodka bottles to good (photographic) use LOL the temptation is there though! but yes, it is a challenge. i like challenges though! real ones that is. there's no point challenging something that is not really one aka. Will Do But Is Too Lazy..that's not a true challenge is it? no feeling of being tested.
is like talking to yourself i guess. the feeling. //penguins swim, lions roar, people dance...what are you going to do now?//i'm going to fly.//it sounded cooler when you said you're running away from the world, but all you're doing is shopping//that's because you're only looking at the pricetag//now, it just feels like god is dead to me//ah, but even then - doesn't he make the best sunsets?//it's always like this; on the head and on the knee and even up the back too//if i started a letter with a 'dear...' would you write back?//no, because those kind of things only work on paper; dear.//it's so strange sometimes, to stand in a crowd//there is everyone and everyone is also you//will it keep the bad things away//only if you believe//not all come from dark//then what does//loneliness//i wish demons were real then?//but isn't that a demon too//that's the joke of the day//a psycho, a schizo and peter pan walk into a ramen bar..//disneyrific?//this won't last y'know//does it matter//it lasts long enough to feel like a lifetime//what's your favourite colour//ah, that's a too normal question!//but you know, it's just sunlight - all 7 glowing into one//is it too romantic to think like this?//it's more courageous, because everyday is a disappointment//i suppose, being disappointed is romantic too//i love mornings//sleeping through them i mean//saturdays//smell like lemon pancakes in sugar, white bedsheets and sunlight shot with lace curtains//saturdays are like love//wait//for what//for you to reconsider//when will it end//when you want it too//lets go home//ok
out of everything, maybe only 2 lines will be kept...the rest edited and spaced and changed until we only have 16 lines left. magic q&a! ah, so today was a sneak peek in tsu's thinking.....umai!!
love,tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:59 a.m.+
I think I finally figured how to make an LJ layout...that's great, because I'm want something prettier and what I have isn't cutting it :/ ZEN tsu, ZENNNNNN.
OK. now to decide some colours and other cool shit :D I wanna fly!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:32 a.m.+
I'm in an oldschool music mood - not direngrey, but stuff like 1/3 Junjou no Kanjo and Luna Sea and X-JAPAN hahaha~~ I guess nowadays Ruruoni Kenshin seems very old and uninspiring next to newer and flashier stuff like Code Geass.
Other than that I have the newest copy of TACTICS, which is awesome and totally cool. If I have some time, I'll go translate it for the love_tactics community. Haruka gets back all his powers! Kantarou and Fuji has a duel! Rosalie melts! and lots of other DDDD:! things happen~ how cool is that?? I'll probably just translate the ending parts, since that's the most interesting of the lot. But ahhhhhhhhhh~~~ cliffhanger ending again?! I'm really getting annoyed at Sakura Kinoshita :/ on the other hand, TRUE!form Haruka is super super super kakkoii~~~<33333 Like really awesome! *___* I think I actually squealed on the bus when I saw it lol
You know I think I'll let Aya do tomorrow's poupeegirl because I feel really exposed not doing todays :o I usually do it around 11.15pm but I didn't do it today so now I feel nervous! Is it normal? hahaha I guess I really like routines....I really hate it when someone tries to mess stuff up.
This week's schedule: wednesday - DBS bank, CHIJ(TP), lunch with Aya, Carrefour with Jiawei, dinner with Jiawei/Aya at Mediya. Thursday - dinner with Steffi and Gloria @ C's place. (it sounds to mysterious to say C's place right? hahaha as though I'm hiding someone from tabloids! but actually the name is really C. lol) Then Sunday it's my birthday dinner with aya and mom and somehow inbetween I'm going to try to stuff meetings with others as well
That said, today was quite fun! I went to bugis to meet kuro for a polaroid photoshoot and taping the flash really helps. The colours come out much richer, and I like the moodiness of it......that reminds me, I need to get more polaroid film from Ruby!!!! Maybe another day though, because tomorrow would be too busy :x I don't even know where I can make a new ez-link card. It's adult fare so I suppose anywhere would be OK? lol~
I really need to buy more film though....and I'm kinda annoyed 'cos my lens cap fro johnboy keeps dropping :x I complained to nikon and even went for a yearly maintainence but they said it was OK and they'll fix it. fix what?! grrr...even if my lens is clean it won't remain so much longer if there's no covering >:(
Also considering getting a simple LJ layout~ what d'you think? I really want to prettify it a bit more because I actually use it now (sometimes). ahhhhh~~~ so many things to do
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:15 a.m.+
I feel sticky and sleepy. Little kid sleepiness - like a lazy kind of languid sleepiness that you get from feeling fat and cuddled, slightly cold in the toes but strangely warm inside. It makes me want to curl up against something, someone or huddle under blankets and molest bearbear lol~ that reminds me, bearbear went for surgery (again) with mom on Saturday. So now his back is all nicely sewn up :D
Rolled out of bed late, then the contractor decided not to come so Aya tagged along when I went Nikon/Peninsula Centre. Met Jiawei at Tanjong Pajar cos she wanted to check on Profit(!!!) since Nikon hasn't replied her even after 10days. Went to Peninsula Plaza and OMG WE BOUGHT A LIGHT METER!! AND A TRIPOD!!!!!!!!!! goooodbyeeee monies~ ;_;
Time to sell off even more lolita I guess??
Went to ochacha to nua a bit, then home for dinner. Folded clothes etc etc~~~ now I want to bathe but I'm too lazy to, I just want to curl up and sleep >_> maybe I can get away with a quick shower and tomorrow I'll bathe before going out. Need to call SBS too cos I dropped my wallet in the bus(!!!!!!!!!) MY TOTORO WALLET ;____; COME BAAAAAAACK~
ahhhhh it's already 5.30am deshou~~ time to sleep!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:13 a.m.+
I am craving sugar the way I'm craving my DL to go faster. It's kinda weird about it - I want to mircowave brownies until they're warm and kinda melted; soft and sweet and cushy-like, as though if you nibbled them long enough you'll feel as soft and fluffy and rich too. I want to nibble brownies and read Rising Stars especially the last part, when he puts his hand on her and tells her: 'Just enough. We'll lend you just enough" and she touches the ground in a burst of green and crying bloody tears. It's really cool, and you think: wow that kind of chilly-in-your-bones shiver of absolute awesomess that only marvel superheroes can pull out
I think I'll leave my dls for a while, and go get some sugar. It's almost 3am and I need my kick if I'm gonna be dl-ing Cartoon KAT-TUN all night. 8ams aren't really for me, I've always been a late-night pizza-sliced-to-light kinda girl, like looking down my balcony and seeing them all sliced like cake, pieces of light in fives.
What's really cool right now is books. I've been reading a lot lately - not full novels or fiction, but docu-magazines. Particularly economics and science, because nothing's stopping me from being an informed armchair economist when the economy is crashing like buckets. I dunno. Sometimes I just never want to read fiction because I find it too much of a sop - the closest I've gone so far is science fiction (yay for dystopias?!) and children's books. I'm kinda miffed that I can't find my copy of St. Clares' book2, I hate seeing incomplete collections (maybe should drop by Popular, reckon need to stock up on some stationary as well)
hmmm Popular VS Nikon tomorrow....I really think I should get Nikon done first since they already called (before CNY) and I want to collect johnboy as well. Have to see. If Jiawei ends up calling me then I'll meet her at Nikon instead. If not I'll drop by IJ first and maybe take MRT to Nikon.....it's really out of way though. It makes more sense for me to go Nikon first since that's at Tanjong Pajar, then I can take a direct transfer to City Hall for Peninsula Plaza. So maybe I'll go TP another day, since it's not exactly en route.
Didn't really do much today, just talked to aya and repaired her blanket. I'll really miss my sis when she/I leave :/ of everyone, I feel closest to her. Also birthday coming up~~~~~~woah, we're all getting old!! And then mom brought up mah-mah today which really pissed me off. HAET!>:(! urgh, like we have totally seen enough of her lately. I don't want to spoil the rest of my holiday, and mom's thinking is absolutely illogical. d00de, I'm human not a bloody dog. I don't run back after being kicked kthxbai
going off for caaaaaaekkkk~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:46 a.m.+
Bored, feel like doing memes. I'm just waiting for my movie to DL finish first before I log off and go back to sleep (again). Apparently if I sleep too early I end up waking up around 4.30-5am, can't seem to sleep through the night I suppose. Will probably be fixed once I get back to Melbourne and have loads of shit to do
Paid rent (good) and took Yilin out today......who is amazingly spoilt. Not in a bad way, but yeah - kids need discipline ok? I don't blame her though, I blame her mother for bad parenting (leaving your 8/9 year old daughter to go dancing?! wtf?!) Overall it was pretty great, and had pizza for dinner too. PIZZA! I likes~ I miss my chicken rice though ;____; whyyyyyy~ rice is AMAZING AND AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF.
Oh! Sold a dress+katsucha, quite happy. Don't really mind selling it since I don't really like hime-lolita style anyway~ I prefer tacky AP! or casual-like, most of the $$ will be used to pay off all the KT/JM stuff I got last year for kaizokuban photoshoot and whatever extra will be saved. Will probably do another wradrobe clearout once I go Melbourne (alice blouse, VM skirt, BPN shirt, Meta skirt....maybe some accessories too) The only things I'm really interested to get is a chiffon JSK - either the AP one or the ETC carnival OP in blue, which I stupidly neglected to watch last year. STUPID. ENDED AT 9,500. Total suckage man~~ nonetheless I don't expect the price to increase a lot if it appears this year and I'm not planning to exceed 15,000yen for any purchase.
Even so, must cut back. Economy in recession!
Also thinking of doing a polaroid shoot, 24. Basically it's a shot for every hour, like a city story. I'm quite used to the focussing already, it's just a matter of getting the right everything....which should be easier since it doesn't require h00man beings. I like people, but working with models is a chore LOL unless I happen to like/know them personally. Even so, they can be pretty stiff and unnatural, which is a bloody waste of film for me.....I will never forget that holga ektrachrome roll that NONE came out, WTF it was like $20 bucks in total just for processing/develop! Ergh :/ it's times like this I'm really keen on switching to digital. It's just cheaper
But the next thing I'm getting is a nice tripod. Cherie's giving me her travelling one, but I'll like a nice steady one for photoshoots....a bit more weight to them. Nothing too expensive - I don't really need a rotational head or a studio one, but something within $80-100 would be great. If I could load up on more film as well, that would be amazing too. Let's see....in an ideal universe I would only shoot ektrachrome for colour, but since I'm not made of money I'll be happy to settle for a fuji portra neutral, fuji velvia, a bunch of illfords (delta/hp4) and one or two superias for the oldskool look. I should load up on polaroids too, but man those are freakin' expensive :(((( it's like $30-$35 bucks a pack, and each pack only contains TEN images. ooooohhh poverty~~~ ;______;
Plus I should pick up johnboy ASAP from Nikon, they gave me a call right before CNY but I was too busy to pick up. He's in good condition, but needs a yearly checkup to ensure the shutters are clean, the mirrors are clean, all the screws are tight and the winder is working. It's much cheaper than cleaning in Aust anyway, it's only $74 here compared to $120 so that's why I'll rather have it done here. I guess it seems like I'm spending a lot of money now, but Melbourne is really expensive :x
Should probably do a meetup with Jiawei/Audy before we leave, just to have a last dinner and sort out who's carrying what. Preferably on Wednesday, since mediya has a sale during that time...hmmmm....possibly go check if Tactics 10 is released yet too. I know the Japanese one is, not so sure about the chinese one. Hopefully so, 'cause this is the bad touch!Raikou bit where he stands in his entire gallery and Kantarou hides an ofuda under his tongue (...like d00de, that's serious weird)
ahhhhhhhhhh download moveeeeee fasterrrrrrrr Dx I wanna sleep already!! It's like 8 AM wtfff it should be FASSST!
urghhh
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:10 a.m.+
wooo~ I'm tired today. After this I'll go take a bath and read a book, and that's probably end of day for me. I can't sleep too early because I tend to wake up, so around 2-3 is the best I guess. It's not 'I watch sunrise' early, so it's not too bad. At the same time I feel really much better cleaning all the stuff up. Once I go back to Melbourne, it'll be another round of spring cleaning too and the strangest part is, I'm looking forward to it! Now I just want to get a purikura book so I can leave all the purikura behind and replace it with new ones :D (which! I'm going to take! Tomorrow! Monday!)
Also finished my long-delayed new year's resolutions, which honestly feels more like a lunar new year resolution. I'm glad to have it written out - it helps keep a clear focus, and is only 3 so it's quite manageable to fulfill. Also, RESCUEEEEEE full version is so addictive. Then Aya made me watch Kami no Shizuku, which was kinda hilariou and annoying because tsu has magical drama-logic abilities so when Mei-chan's father appeared (in Mei-chan no Shitsuji) I was like: 'd00de! the schoolteacher had a crush on her dad!!!' *insert aya eyeroll*
Kami no Shizuku is actually quite a cute drama, it's a pity about the poor ratings because it's quite good. It's not brilliant, but it's interesting.....the problem is that the Japanese public like their dramas either highschool or wangsty i.e. koizora, last friends so this one doesn't really fall anywhere within the categories. Mei-chan no Shitsuji on the other hand, it TOTALLY appealing to the Japanese market. It's total fujoushi material (for srs) and looks like a cross between Maria-sama no Miteru, Ouran High, HanaYori and Kuroshitsuji. In other words, it's a brilliant poly written by a bunch of people who are very good at reaidng market trends..........I mean, what kind of girl doesn't dream of her own Sebastian? Also, an underdog heroine like Mei is perfectly suitable for cheering on and gabatte(!) actions. In my mind, I'm sure we're gonna have a YOSH~!!11 moment at one point In any case both are good, but the production values is much better in Mei-chan no Shitsuji I think - the replay/fastforward idea is super cute!<3
Tried to learn how to cycle and we were doing it wrong!!! DDDD: so now we know~ I feel so irritated for trying it wrongly all afternoon though - I really should've checked a tutorial first rather than waste time. It would've been more productive otherwise but ah well, at least we didn't waste too much time. Halfway through I could already tell it wasn't working anyway.....sometimes you just need to step back and admit defeat for the day so that you can solve what is wrong and do better I think. No point running around like headless chicken and getting unnessescary bruises.
Easy dinner~ I'm really beginning to like pickled cucumber a lot. Just a little black vinegar, black pepper, seasame oil and sliced cucumber<3 delicious! Watched Merengue Kamenashi interview which was kinda cute and funny....and Aya has been updating my poupeegirl for the last few days LOL so cute! Today's theme is 'butler', probably because of all the drama watching.
OK, tomorrow out with yilin~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:05 a.m.+
....do I have an alliteration kick or what? It's 6am in the morning and I'm awake - I can't sleep more than several hours straight (apparently) and reading National Geographic. The rest of the week has been a slow, slow burn of letting go and fumbling my way round around. It's not easy, but much easier when you have magazines to read (terra petra!), books to keep and things to do. Staying away from akame fics help too, the only thing remotely JE related I'm doing is downloading RESCUE (which is pretty good). Other than that, I've put all my fics on hold with the exception of reading a kokame now and then. It's cute!
Today went out with mom for dinner, since ice-skating turned out to be so expensive. Really fun! wandered around suntec/esplanade area and had the most delicious (ateryclogging) ou luak, hokkien mee and satay<3 Bought aya a bike - we're going to the field tomorrow and learn how to cycle!:D I also got myself a skipping rope and a pair of goggles to bring back to Melbourne. At this rate, I'm really worried I'll exceed the weight limits O.O;;;; it just seems like a lot
Should really give a call tomorrow, and we're going out to take purikura!!! :DDD I really want to take purikura with my family~ it's really time for some change. Things have to change. You can't ask why or how to keep wondering how to fix it because there are things that can never be fixed. You have to let it die it's natural death, and from its death only then it can be improved upon.
I'm not going to lie and say OMG I LUV IT, but at the same time, I'm not grieving for what has ended. Yes, grief. Too much, too little. Heartbreakingly sad, but all things have to pass and I firmly believe that it will. No more recriminations and regrets, only a strange soft ache of wistful sadness. At the same time, letting go has found a measure of peace - I only realised that when I talked to Aya. That it was never my fault. It's not me, it's you and from that moment, I felt absolved. I am not a 'broken relationship' as she said, and what I have done and felt is completely normal.
It's not OK or perfect
but at least I'm not going to explode in rage
Mostly, right now I just feel relief. Tentative efforts in trying other things have helped......it's not so much trying to get away (either running emotionally or physically) but rather, reinforcing relationships with my close family and making new friends/interests. My goals this year is simple: do well in studies, start an exercise programme and make new friends either through voluntary work or interest.
3 simple items
keep it easy, keep it straightforward
with determination, it'll work out!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:09 a.m.+
OK I have the full mp3 now! :DDDD hahaha it sounds like an anime opening lol~ it's pretty good anyway. I really like the random English chorus and the 'I'm ladida- runnning running' (no clue wtf they're talking about. it could be BAK KWA! for all I know D:)
And CNY IS FINALLY OVER! Well, the visiting and stuff anyway. I'm so glad I skipped uncle marc's place and went home to sleep instead - so much more comfortable. Tuesday was OK although mahmah's place is (as usual) full of rubbish and started late so we ended up being late the entire day. Yinyin brought his girlfriend along as well~ LOL LOL LOL and yeah man she was in lexis's class hahahahaha. Then today was with dad and OMG GODAWFUL CONVOs DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDx d00de I can actually hear and I don't wanna know ok ok and plus they took so fucking long to talk dodgy shit. Do I want to know? Do I need to know? Do I even care? Is it even interesting gossip? NO. NO. NO. D:
god, I don't even care
Dinner at Kuriya, which was pretty awesome and OMG the uni+scallop thing, and the toro sashimi<333333! I took tons of pics in memory~ Tomorrow we're going ICE-SKATING! and Friday, purikura@bugis with mom+aya. That reminds me I need to get a purikura book so that I don't need to carry so much around me all the time (my wallet is so much smaller now ;_;) I really want a san-x one, it'll be so cute<3
Then Saturday = shopping with yi lin, and Sunday@ECP. Need to call Mr. James and go IJ as well, and send kor's kueh pangket~ hahahah so damned funny....also paid mai today *__*;;;;; russian rose OP! woohoo~ probably need to do a wradrobe clearance once I go Melbourne.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:55 a.m.+
Yesterday was really sleepless wasn't it? It was so bloody hot! D: woke up feeling sick because of the heat, then went to popo's house. Everyone was already there and as usual, piles of food. The siumai was bloody amazing (even better than tiong bahru's) and there was my favourite fu zhouk soup and mo gu fatt choy as well. Tomorrow is hoi wok, so it'll be even more food
I feel totally sick after eating so much though D:
Played cards with sharlene/charmaine/gerald. I won the 1st 2 rounds, then gave my spot to gerald, and aya won the next 2 rounds. Family represent! :D It's really funny since mom doesn't know how to play cards at all.....but yet we won against our cousins lol
Dropped aya off, then went home to nap. Ended up waking at 8pm LOL~ I think it was more tiring than it seems and tomorrow there's The Lunch *insert doomful music* as well. It's OK though, at least it's not dinner!
Can't wait to go back Melbourne actually, I'm feeling really bored now :/ There's stuff I want to do there, and I'm just waiting hahaha I never thought I'll say this, but I'm sick of eating and sleeping all day D: but yeah, Melbourne! Need to clean my room up, set up the kaizokuban photoshoot and start training. Also, I want to go sydney myer bowl~<3 there's programmes to volunteer and subjects to change too. I really need to get them to approve my Media Modes subject so that I don't need to do postmodernism D: that kind of subject will drive me to drink
Ahhh then very much pointless things happened, but mostly I think OK it's a good cause that earlier happened because if not I would probably feel more annoyed. I don't actually feel anything now, other than: I can take a bath now//did I change my poupeegirl//omg!LEAH DIZON! yeah. It's really much better than the past few days. Caught up with eat, and we started talking about ayers rock and moon landings which was kinda awesome~~ I really think I want to go Alice Springs now instead of Cairns.
Tomorrow: mah-mah, auntie mabel, auntie bobby, poke sak. End of week: call mr james, prepare stuff for monday IJ, buy googles/skipping rope from carrefour (maybe ask jiawei?) also need to get purikura done. Ahhhh x_x I shouldn't be saying I'm bored with nothing to do because apparently I have tons of stuff to do
ok, time to sleep
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:06 a.m.+
Is to:
- volunteer in a children's programme
- exercise
- make new friends
- go out more
- apply for media modes subs
Hmmmm seriously considering the desert thing still. I really do want to go to the desert. I've already been to Cairns, so it doesn't bother me at all to miss Great Barrier Reef. Sand dunes!! I keep thinking they'll look like the frozen sea place in Chrono Cross<3
also, today is the first day of CNY so
HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!!
Eat until get heartburn LOL~ actually today's one wasn't too bad, probably cos it was my mom's side. Not looking forward to Tuesday lunch :/ Also I want to take purikura, and I have a whole ton of images to resize
Spending less time on JE = good. although, I know in the end akame = fail There's seriously something ironic about the whole situation lol, but I think OK. I can always work harder on other things...people like that don't deserve it right? So don't waste time on unappreciative people. Anyway I think I want a bit of a new start. I didn't really manage to do as well last year, but this year will be better I hope. Also I wish for my grades to go up - straight H1s please!!
Probably I should go find a boyfriend and make mom happy too.....but it sounds really annoying to do so :/ I don't really want to. I'm just happy to be single now, freedom is nice.
hmmm gotta go collect Johnboy ASAP, send film for processing and go to last kampong area...what d'you mean it's at YCK D:? ah well, will find a way. New year must bring new things!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:44 a.m.+
OK
gone swmming
i'm just glad it's over now. like really.
i don't need to think about it anymore
dinner tonight steamboat = good
sake with orange juice is nice
overslept; bad dreams
probably need to give a JE break
it's a bit too much of it now
not-thinking-clearly anymore
go read a book instead
or take some photos
need to collect johnboy as well
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:39 a.m.+
it is just like that, dark out. dark out and painfully, the lights are nothing but knives stabbing in the dark - dark, quiet dark. safely let it hold. wipe it out, bring it down, shutterfly shoo-fly catch each wil'o'wisp and maybe if you crumble enough of it in your hand then everything will make sense - who says eating beetles don't led into reincarnation?
i can't do it anymore. i can't pretend. i've never been very good at it, and now it feels like it's eating me up alive like buckets and sop but i still say It's OK, there's Nothing Wrong because how can there be anything but that?
i feel the keys cut against my palm, and it's such a relief in a way. pain is such a relief. don't stop; dragging me down sometimes i think there's nothing else to stop the spinning, and it just keeps going on like blood vessels and pumps and all i want is just....
i don't even know what i want anymore.
i feel like i'm going crazy
going crazy inside myself
retelling my days, they add up - but to what meaning? memory provides identity, identity is a continuation. i feel here but not here; some kind of escape. i want to scream until i become empty and drained, and let everything go. didn't i do enough to let things go? didn't i try? so why is it still happening!!!!!!!!????
i want it to end, please. someone, anyone - please take it away. sleep isn't a cure anymore, there's too many dreams and they're all pushing to get out because i've been keeping them out too much. my skin feels so tight it feels like it's going to burst any second, explode with just a prick of a finger. please. take it away. take everything away.
i don't want to care.
i don't want to care about you, what you think, who you are. i don't want to feel anything - no more guilt or pain or sadness. if i have to give up ever feeling happy again, i don't really care anymore. just please, stop. stop. stop. stopstopstopstopstop
let it be dark again
please
+tsu waited for you at 11:04 p.m.+
.......and I end up not finishing anything. AGAIN. It's almost like I've finally hit hibernation mode and I don't really want to talk to anyone or be with anyone or try at anything beyond my natural comfort zone. I just want to sit in there and not push any new bounderies. Which makes me highly unsociable to the point of being rude
I just feel like hiding now....snail shell, tortoise home. I finished up a bit more of yukinohime but I hate the ending. Not like how it goes, but more like the writing. I need new words for images :/ it's like I can see it in my head: a red tshirt and jeans floating on the water, jin standing at the edge and he wades deeper and deeper into it. it's like a kind of dreamy summer feel - the sun is high and hot at noon, distantly there's the sound of kids' splashing and having fun and there's that hazy feeling when you look too hard into the glittering, shifting water. It's just that the mood isn't matching up with the words, which means it doesn't convey the right kind of emotion
Helped aya cook dinner today, she looked really sick. I think it was mom's weird soup, because I felt slightly out of it the entire of today as well.....as though I was a bit more drained and tired than usual (plus I felt/looked like crap). Also, hate this sluggish feeling of disuse in my body. OK, not really hate but it makes me feel like someone's spiking my water, so that I can't think past that soft, foggy feeling. It's like being awake when on sleeping pills, all zombie-like
Watched Body In Numbers today, and read a couple of really interesting magazines....the critique of capitalist market using Marx isn't a new idea, but the way it was written was quite good. And then Aya and I watched CTKT sendai special as well, and yeah....my entire viewership life has turned into CTKT since they make me laugh and don't really need to think too hard. Although, my English degenerates afterwards so I end up writing crappy fic instead of good ones, the words don't really flow as smoothly as they should
Anyway I'm going to sleep soon, I really think I need it. I also really miss Melbourne. I miss my gyu-tan shioyaki and doing things and travelling to places and being not-home. It is being not-home that makes me a stronger and better person I think, because here I just become a lout and slob. LOL, if I could wear the same thing every single day without a bath or change I would........
also then, then we managed to wiggle our way out of tomorrow's dinner. more like tsu+aya's work, but mom is TOTALLY KY. extremely. she is so much so that she cannot even make up an excuse, and doesn't even know when to push, when to tell, when to just shut up and not volunteer information. AHHH BUT AT LEAST THE SCARY DINNER IS OVER! :D (and I didn't even need to give up anything for it)
ok. gonna sleep now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:40 a.m.+
SO. Mom's early morning convo regarding tsu's balant.....non-sexuality?!?! god. That was awkward. Felt sick the entire of today though, probably shouldn't have drunk that 1.33 glasses of vietnamese coffee. Pleasure before pain?? That's so typical lol *insert lame KT joke here*
Today was really hot, but ahhhh I already skipped meeting with Audy on Monday so I felt quite bad if I were to do it again :/ I don't usually do things like that anyway....it's just really inconsiderate to stand someone up I think. Also, yesterday's [CENSORED] post, in the light of today, is quite laughable. Must be all the coffee I drank D: I don't want to drink coffee again, it makes you think strangely! (and have lousy sleep)
Went to the Pernakan museum and saw the really old furniture/pottery as well as the Buddha/Bodisattiva statues of serenity. I really like the India influenced sculptures best, it's almost like the stone has a kind of "weighted" feel which really gives the sensation of calmness and strength. Walked over to Marina Square for food, then waited for the 174 D: my fault again, because I wanted a big one!! Ended up both being late
Then mom was all spitfire and iffy the entire evening :/ *sighs* NORMAL PEOPLE = READ PAPERS. Not clean kitchens. god. logic. the world would be so much a better place with it
Tired lately, and I look really pale too. I'm turning into those Seriously Unhealthy lifestyle people...let's see: I wake up at 4pm, go for a swim, have dinner at 7pm and then sleep at 6am. It's the whole 1-meal-a-day-sleep-like-owl lifestyle which is terribly unhealthy but you kinda get used to it after a while. Happens to be also exactly like what leXis used to say: "after a while, you just don't feel it anymore." Nowadays I just drink water and keep awake by staying awake, I don't really feel hungry (although I should, since I only eat once a day). I'll probably settle soon enough, but for now........
I don't know why but sometimes I just wonder how far I can push myself like this. I actually want to know. I'm also quite determined enough to see it through, just out of curiousity. Also, being like this gives me some time off from thinking, which is excellent because the less I think = happier person I am. or so i tell myself
anyway i'm tired of talking. tomorrow i'll finish up tranquilise, think of a new title for the yukinohime fic (which is currently named after a BTSSB print...WINNAR!) and try to finish some tactics fics. urgh. i'm turning prolific at the worst moments of the year
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:15 a.m.+
Today was nice and woke up late and spent time with Aya. Watched CTKT with her, and had dinner at Holland Village and it was just really fun~ Also walked home, called Mr James and then bought pineapple tarts from Buanlun. It's not in that order but who cares right? Those pineapple tarts were good! (and they should be, considering it was 38 a tin @_@)
and er.
ER.
I don't even know how to touch on this topic but it's almost like audy and i are back to being (cautiously) friends again. Tentative??type. Sometimes I think my entire life reads like a fanfic, and this is when a new chapter starts and then it gets more and more OMGWTF-ish
the scariest part is the [CENSORED CENSORED]
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if both of us were [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] so that at least every time we fight then there's [CENSORED CENSORED]. Mostly it's just that it's just really confusing now, it's like having an identity crists aged 21....what kind of retarded development is that?!?! It's not that we didn't ever think of it either. BUT! it was always kinda like a joke, because there was too much pressure and she's kinda dunno.......I would never know if she was teasing me or not. Being so KY means I would never know how to react or say this properly.
BUT SERIOUSLY [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED]. IT'S JUST KINDA LATE DON'T YOU THINK? I'm just so....dunno. mostly annoyed at myself. I really think that if there ever was a chance we never took it because we were both too scared or too young. I just hate the idea that maybe in 10 years' time we'll wake up going: "I really regret not trying harder."
I don't even know if it's just audy-specific or general-specific but ahhhhhh it's just really confusing that I just want to KEYBOARD SMASH AND DDDDDDDDDDDDD: adsewgadhadfjfdgfergwygy!!!!
But I think even if I told her she'll just laugh at me or something really awful and say like [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] and then I'll just feel really upset and do something terrible. I wouldn't ever be able to talk to her again - not even as friends so I just won't do it. I guess I'm just really cowardly when it comes to things like this because [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] and [CENSORED]. It's just that I need to say it somewhere so I'm saying it here, even if I censored most of it I still know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'll look back at this 10 years' later and laugh about it. Maybe.
Anyway tomorrow I'm meeting audy so it'll be pretty fun :D I felt really bad for ditching her on Monday but I really couldn't go out especially after the whole facebook incident thing. I just wanted to hide from the world :x It's like the way Jacquelyn was like: "we should just create an entire system inside a skyscraper and live inside." Saying that is like YES! in me because I don't really know what to do with people sometimes....I need people but at the same time I feel so lonely around them :/ Then the harder I try, the more alone it feels but yet everyone seems to have an enjoyable time so I try to be more enjoyable for them. It's not really sad but more of a kind of reflection.
Even when I talked about the whole [CENSORED], I still have reservations about thinking like that. I don't really connect with people very much........no matter how friendly I am with others. For me, being friendly and considerate is a kind of duty; so even if I don't particularly like/want to be with you I'll just do it because I feel it is manners to do so. I could be easily idealising about the whole [CENSORED] thing, because I tend to do that a lot.
.__________________.
i think....for the best
i will say nothing
It's like the whole shakespeare thing:
even if the furnance dies
there are still smaller fires
ah well~~~ whatever it is, it's still good :D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:31 a.m.+
Went out today with Jiawei and Aya - actually was supposed to go out at 1pm but ended up going out at 3pm instead because tsu was sleepy and curled up in bed and didn't really want to go out and face the universe as such :/ ah well, you can read all about it on LJ since I hate doubleposting. ANYWAY.I got my ass out of the house only to rush back because I forgot to put bring film ONLY TO REALISE THAT THE FILM WAS FINISHED D: in other words, tsu = FAAAAAAAAAIL
but it was just really fun anyway! Went to Little India first to get all the gyspy-princess-ethic stuff and it was just so awesomely gaudy and now I have a scarf with gold elephants and tassels and this gold belt thingy and anklets with bells and a head thingy you hang on your forehead when you pretend to be god. Then Aya wanted to eat burfi for old times' sake and it was pretty awesome and nice too and then we walked into Theives Market and had icecream and it was really drippy and Jiawei had hers all over her toes LOL LOL LOL because she doesn't know how to eat icecream properly and there was tons of junk on sale including nekkid male dolls
Then wandered into Arab street and bought a whole tonne of film because I was really upset I didn't get any photos today :(((( I really wanted the old man on the bicycle and that tree at cyril street, but who ask me never check properly??? the film was really costly though ;___; goodbye 200dollars~~~ I wish I had murtabak too :/ walked over to Bugis then, and went to look for the pirate stuff (Aya went home for dinner to cook, I was supposed to meet Sharon) and we got everything! Including this really awful vest in brown and sheep bits and pompoms. It looks totally AWFUL and exactly the kind of thing a JE boy would wear. Rushed to meet Sharon back at PS, but she left already >___>
Ended up having dinner with Jiawei instead (next time ask audy along!!! last meal before leaving?) and went to Spotlight to look for a leopard print hiphip thing. I'm not really sure what else to describe it as but basically a hip hip thing is this really ghey-ass thing you tie around your hips with a tail dangling off the side and is pretty much a JE trademark. It's kinda like Johnny's leash or sth LOL~ the faux fur ones were too chao da (burnt) leopards and we found pink leopard and green leopards and this really horrible transparent tulle on that was on the (bad) side of ugly. It wasn't even postmodernistically ironically fugly, just downright ugly. ON THE OTHER HAND! I found this equally awful shiny satin leopard print one in brown with a camouflauged flower pattern in gradating shades of brown which was PERFECT!
I officially think I should join Jyannis as a costume designer. It looks totally awful!!! :DDDDDD
The awfulness is the best part, and now it really looks like I have an entire Queen of Pirates set-up. I kinda wish I got more fuzzy and furry stuff (dead pets on shoulders y/y?) and I need some pirate headwear as well hmmm....I was thinking of going the cheapskate route and doing a bandanna tied with a bunch of beads and feather a la PoTC~ don't really wanna make a tricon hat. Anyway real pirates are kinda scruffy and cruddy looking and don't exactly go around looking dapper. Final thing to get is a sexy chess set...I wonder where I can get a good (BUT CHEAP!) one. The nicest ones I know are from the boardgames place at Swanston, but it was like $300+++ for a set D: Maybe I need to pay a visit to Toys R Us or some kind of game store. Even second hand sets would be fine
Oh and I got a jacket from Electric Attic lol more it's-so-awful-it's-amazingness! Actually it doesn't look so bad now that I cut it up and shortened it. It looks rather cool and trendy in a totally ironic hipster way...I feel like making the collar bigger into the heart-shaped pattern like Vivienne Westwood though, and maybe changing the buttons as well. But first thing to do is to sew the hiphip thing tomorrow and buy Aya pandan-kaya cake!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:56 a.m.+
ahhh I've been really busy lately....worked on the weekend, and now I have two job offers! problem is I can't accept it, because I'm going back to melbourne soon but it's good to know I haven't lost my touch yet ~^^~ it sounds really obnoxious if i say it like this but i haven't found anyone (with the exception of Elsa) whom I can't make them like me yet....it's like even in primary school when I had people give me money just to be with me...isn't that funny??? I guess the problem is that it makes you grow up with weird tendencies lol
been altering my dress....it's not a lot of work thankfully, all i need is to make the straps longer because it's a bit too short for me ^^;;; I think I really have a long torso because the waist is more like underbust for me. also, kaizokuban/gyspy photoshoot planned out!~<3 i couldn't sleep after that since i was so hyper ^^;;;;;; aya says it's really cheesy but i think it would be good....need to get hold of steph though, and i got her a high collar black blouse too! (from closet child) as well as her fake eyelashes. but i'm really excited about the kaizokuban one because i put a lot of effort and time into it...getting everything was so hard (and expensive! D: D: D:) the only thing left is the pirate vest/jacket which i think i'll get from VCA. please please please let me rent your jackets...it would be terrible if i couldn't na~~~ so expensive to buy somemore ;;;
yesterday was bad...i think crashing is really hard sometimes and it's like suddenly free-fall. i slept a lot today though...almost 14 hours! x_X but afterwards i really felt much better. even though it was really funny that i was dreaming about the things i had to do the next day: i remember licking an envelope and going: "ah! i'm finally sending the document!!" in the dream but in reality i just stayed at home all day -_-;;;;;; terribly lazy i am, isn't it?
but yesterday i finally had the guts to post a fic; which is always a scary experience. JE isn't a very kind fandom deshouuuuuuuuu and i was really hesitant about it. but OK, quite well-recieved...i think it's because my personality isn't the popular-type to be in this kind of fandom hahaha ^^;;;; maybe i'm too otome for it! wouldn't it be funny?
dinner was really nice and we strolled around the riverside and mom got me pineapple tarts and a HUGE squashy black-thing which is now named as puccho! somehow it's very round, very fluffy and looks chewy so that's why it's called puccho...is that funny?? aya and mom got shoes from Mityu, which is where I got my wedge heels too. the shoes there are really cheap and comfortable i think, very nice cutting. ah~ it ended very nicely and it was really fun! it was a very peaceful feeling i think...
listening to movin' on is really pretty. somehow the image it conjures is like that of a softly deserted town at midnight and a shadow-boy looking longingly at the real girl he loves, but he's only a shadow - a peter-pan fairytale that disappears at dawn. it's surprisingly sweet and nice, with a 'let's steal away at midnight' feeling.
i think i rambled enough already~ tomorrow Little India with Jiawei (and cameras!), sending the letter to An (VERY IMPORTANT DON'T FORGET) and maybe dinner with Sharon if she hasn't forgotten ^^;;;;
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:57 a.m.+
synthesize
the
words & decimals & martrixes into
one empire
[make me]
think in monotype; linotype
for the sake of
one empirical
madness [@1%^&!]
delving downdowndowndowndowndowndown--
downdowndown
synthesize this
make this
illumination+!pure+!=
Laminar: a space that exists together and inbetween at the same time. Actually I've been in a steady kind of pace lately, pacing like jogging in the sand - steady steady ready go! Now I'm finally feeling that high~tension~ feeling wearing off and it's sinking faster than Titanic on an iceberg
expression: .____________________.
all it is all that certainty
I feel like butter and goo all apart and messed and splattered on some sidewalk like a blubbering mess of purple jam. It's like a pit-falling stomach eating up inside and downwards and it's just so full of ................... that I don't even know what to say, what to do and even to finish typing this entry or not. I don't even know why I'm feeling so horribly (although tbh i have a reasonably good guess)
So now I'm mindlessly surfing poupeegirl wrting comments like: adorable!~ and super-cute!:D even though deep down it's just a blank sheet. Blaaaaaaaaank. I kinda want to curl up and curl in and wrap myself in blankets and sit in airconditioned rooms.
Finished two days of work. Actually not too bad. I did 500 leaflets in 10 hours of work and had TWO job offers. One was from one of the people I gave to, the other was the boss who wanted me on board part-time. Of course I refused both, since I had uni and all~ I guess the good part is I haven't really lost my touch at all. I keep worrying if I stop working I'll just forget how to use it and be too scared to try again....the first 30mins is always the hardest I think, especially if you're doing it on your own. Plus these two days I had a chance to hang out at HV (haven't gone since I was back) and so much has changed....
I have a weird craving for an egg sandwhich suddenly
._______________.
OK pikame bitchfest is suprisingly cheerful. I dunno, I just think it'll be absolutely hilarious, especially if it's like a deathfic and they're all snarky and =____= at each other.
sleepy now~ it's 4am...
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:36 a.m.+
happiness is like a boat in the sea, flying :D
I feel so energised!
So much so that I feel like adding emojis to this post~ it's almost like words can't express all my feeling 
FIRST! I watched Queen of Pirates which made a light!shine 
Now I have many ideas for photoshoots, plus I finished a HarryPotter Luna/Hermione fic :D I think it'll be cheesy but incredibly funny as well, and I haven't done a for-fun! photoshoot for a long time. NEXT! arabseque is finally in the works~ it's so exciting reading everyone's articles and proofreading them. I'm super-happy because I GET MY OWN COLUMN! and and and!!! photos!!! kyaaaa~~~ *________* FINALLY! I has a job :D it's only for 2 days, but at least I'm doing something!
Yesterday watched Le Grand Chef with aya, it was very Koreany and cry-y because both of us ended up crying THRICE. Then today we watch CTKT and there was much lolz to be had. Work was okay~ the d00de was totally n00b at all this (he paid me BEFORE i started work. wat? o.O;;;) Shouldn't have eaten laksa for lunch either
going off to sleep now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:26 a.m.+
OMG I JUST WATCHED QUEEN OF PIRATES AND IT WAS AWESOME
Even better, now I have an *AMAZING* lolita coordintae in my head where I combine lolita, KAT-TUN and PIRATES! :DDDDDD <3333333333333333333333333
I can't decide which parts I like best
*___________________________________*
so happy~
today was a really wonderful day too. went swimming with aya, watched TV, watch KATTUN, went for icecream and got a marriage proposal *lol* plus I solved what was the matter with my alice cardsuit dress, it's not that I'm too fat - the straps are too short! So all I need is to buy some velveteen and replace the strap length ^^
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:24 a.m.+
Yesterday was OK. Weird, I was so nervous about it that I had half a mind to just cancel meeting Audy and just zone around the house and go swimming later. It's that same pit-of-stomach discomfort that I occasionally experience when going for: reunion dinners, meeting mah-mah, being asked to work for the company, sitting with uncle marc (with no one else) and getting examination results. Basically it just feels like something is crawling inside your stomach and suddenly you have a great urge to run to the nearest toilet and give a (good) shit.
Small talk is small. My degree of being relieved overcomes any potential doubts about omg!she gave me a calender for christmas! I kinda wonder if it's a subtle hint that she wants me to go jump off a cliff and slash my wrists or something.........whatever. I'm just going to take it at face value that: OK she may or may not like me any longer and therefore wishes for me to die; it's just a calender. Talk about 数命. It's a good thing I didn't tell mom what she gave me, or she'll just throw a fit or something. There's just some things you shouldn't tell your parents ever. This is one of them.
Lunch at Mr. Sushi grill, then she tagged along as I went about my errands (going to visit Black Alice, then Camera Hospital) I hope it wasn't too boring for her. Bought the lens for Cherie, then went to Far East Plaza and omg shoppingzzzzzz *_______________* I bought a new bag, necklace and belt. OMG SO CUTE<3 It's all just really funky and cool, and I adore everything. If I could, I would buy up most of the shop<3 wandered around a bit, ate lots of junk then went home.
Watched DUES extended version with Aya and laughed ourselves shitless at the making of bits. Kame isn't a very morning person, Koki/Maru are frighteningly chirpy, Jin is very good at cards and it's all very nice-feeling-ish. Also at Aya's pandan kaya cake, which made her very D:<<<
Slacked a lot today, and watched tons of TV and mom bought a steamboat<333 yatta! Yesterdays JK hits was better than today's though - does anyone else find Gackt absolutely hilarious? The Jesus PV looks like the garage that Direngrey, Pierrot, Alicenine and every other VK band ever used. Yep, it's that garage. The green, soaky one with leaky pipes lol~ I liked him better when he was all poppy and tuneful in Another World or 12 gatsu no love song.
I really hate people suddenly dumping things on my lap :/ sometimes I seriously regret asking audy along to join us in the house. She just seems so....unappreciative. It's almost like she doesn't know how to live with other people. I should be the last person to talk about normalcy, but damnit I just wanted a normal life. I mean she talks about how she'll just be quiet and stay in her room and then I just want to *roooooll* my eyes to the ceiling. Housemate-ing isn't about avoidance, it's about being domesticated socialising. You CAN'T live in your room because you're sharing the kitchen, toilet, living room and basically every other utilities with everyone else :( god, this is going to give me a heart attack one day (and made me miss my Anthony Bourdain No Reservations episode too!)
Anyway it's settled so all's good. She sounded so grudging though, as though Jiawei and I was trying to cheat her money. $50 off doesn't sound like a big thing, but it adds up to $600/year of savings. It's not like the difference is size is like freakin' huge either
Argh whatever - hate me, want me to die but I did my best and everything to order. I've done my complusory pay-audy-before-CNY shizzle, I gave her a thoughtful christmas present and didn't bother her online at all unless nessescary. I didn't ask anything besides the most polite of small talk and I did my share of work for the house. I kept my distance and respected her own personal space.
Now I'm just going to plan my trip to Cairns/Alice Springs and fuck whether she wants to go or not. I can't deal with her changing her mind on 'omg I want to go!' to 'omg! I don't want it to be awkward for you so I don wanna go!' to 'omg!if i just tag along it's ok right?' to 'omg! its so expensive and i wish i went to meet other ppl instead.' Yeah man, that would rank on my list as a positively traumatic holiday Dx Can you imagine??? All the travel agencies would hate me for changing the tickets/bookings all the time and if there's a cancellation fee then how??? and then I'll feel guilty for 'forcing' her to come along and then she'll sulk and sulk and 'I wish I stayed back' and then my entire holiday/adventure would be spoilt.
holiday in tsu's mind: d00de that's some cool shit let's go.
OK. time to iron some pillowcases.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:33 p.m.+
DON'T U EVER STOP (yeah right)
Finally took advantage of my BRAND NEW SPARKLING STRAIGHT FROM JAPAN LIMITED EDITION CD. Yes, it is so glorious it must be in caps. Some highlights
- Kame's hat falling off
- OMG CHIBI DANCE. GROUP CHIBI DANCE. OMG! SO CUTE!
- kameeee-chan! by Jin
- Jin's impersonation of Junno
- Koki's impersonation of Junno
- Junno's impersonation of Jin
- Koki calling Ueda ka-wa-ii!
- Kame impersonating an ojisan
- GAMBLING TABLES!
- Ueda pulling Jin's ponytail
- gyu-nyu jokes
- KAME UR VAIN.
- TRUFAX: earliest to arrive is maru, latest is kame.
- Ueda stumbling
- KOKI'S WORDPUNS.
- GHEY-AS-BANANNAS COSTUMES
- fake!crystals
- Junno pretending to be drunk
- UEDA READING SHOXX (or some jrock mag)
- Maru beatboxing extra (during PV)
- OMG KAME IS SO SHORT. LIEK RLY :O
all's well ends well. damned funny shit anyway
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:16 a.m.+
Busy weekend! Not really but who cares right? Yesterday made sweets macaron-accessories with sak and loads of pizza with mon + kiwi + aya. Today went out with mom for some shopping~ went to Isetan and then Robinsons and got tons of stuff
I'm also working on the 17th/18th (yesss!! *_* monies!) I'll probably try as a supermarket promoter after that, but mom doesn't want me to work too much I think 'cause I'll be leaving after CNY....I don't really need to work, but I think it's good to if it makes any sense. Not working for long stretches makes me feel lazy/restless. Meeting Sharon on the 20th for dinner, then tomorrow I have a huge load of errands to run, namely:
1. camera hospital
2. pearl centre
3. mom's pussy willow
4. mom's narcissis (yellow)
5. pineapple tarts
6. post the letters for shibahime/saitou_null
I'm planning to go swimming this week too. I think I should start some kind of activity, I get quite bored doing nothing. It's like a perpetual =__________= face when I have nothing to do. Plus I really want to do some swimming, haven't done any in Melbourne (no swimsuit, no pool) and I kinda miss it.
OK time to bathe! I need to sleep early too, my system is going bonkers
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:36 a.m.+
If you ever wanted to know what Channel U plays at 5am
It's CHINESE VISUAL KEI
hahahahahaha
no shit, the d00de even have PVC jackets and halfdyed hair
lulz
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:04 a.m.+
It's been a long year hasn't it? Long enough that it's almost lunar new year, and yet it feels like there hasn't been any clean and concise break from this year and the last. Looking back, perhaps it's because there hasn't been any break between that causes this sense of being trapped in an endless dirge.
I did a lot of thinking over the past few days. After the initial sadness washes away comes anger, then after anger........just nothingness. I'm glad to some extent, that my old resolutions have been somewhat kept - I feel closer to my family than ever before and while we're still a long way from pastoral scenes of gamboling in the forest, we're on the right track at least. No intentions, just letting things slowly be. I mean hey, we fight but not in a way meant to wound. We know the lines not to cross now, and nowadays we can tease and joke without worrying whether it's sincere or not.
Mostly I want to focus on new resolutions. I have two. Just two. My first resolution deals with myself - at one point or another, I just have to accept I cannot deal with this on my own and consider the possibly that I have a borderline personality disorder. I don't want to accept that diagnosis, I never wanted to. I have never ever talked to anyone about it because talking about it makes it seem more....real? The last psycharist that diagnoised me said something really interesting - that my hallucinations are not caused by anxiety, but the intensity of what I was feeling being projected into reality.
And now, reflecting on the mess that was the last few weeks; I think she might be right. I'm not usually that implusive but the depth of anguish really scared the fuck out of me. It's like instead of having blood in your veins, you have custard - that custardlike feeling of sluggishness coupled with emotional despair is enough to drive anyone to suicide..........where suicide isn't just dying anymore, it's just to stop feeling like this. You just want something feel something else - pain, pleasure, humanity - anything for this feeling of despair to just go away.
I did a lot of stupid things that week - I said things I never meant to say, did things without thinking and lived in such a state of volatility that one moment I could be really high and the next I'll be back; snapping away at people and pained. I couldn't sleep, so I slept at 4,5,6am and I tried to eat so much so that the hollowness would stop. Constantly snacking during those nights. It didn't help that Audy and I just broke off our friendship, she was convieniently there as a focus of whatever I was feeling that day........although, to some extent she triggered it. It's hard not to since we were close, and I deal with being left/abandoned really badly. Sometimes I think I can endure anything not in the name of love, but just so that I don't experience that feeling again. It's like feeling as though someone ripped you apart from the inside, to the point that it manifests to a kind of physical pain. It's so painful that I actually have to sit down and tell myself to breathe because it just -clutches- my heart.
I really can't and shouldn't continue like this. It'll be hypocritical of me to encourage people to go into therapy without facing my own. I hate therapy, I hate asking for that kind of help and I hate the feeling of being medicated. But on the other hand, I've never had any long-term relationships because of it - how can I when I can't seem to control my emotional response? The longest and closest one to a proper friendship was with audy, and even now that's over (well, goes to show what a shitty person I am to be with) and I would like to have friends. Normal friends. On some primal level I'll always be volatile, but perhaps therapy can help moderate my responses enough so that I can form stable relationships. I want to get better, I know I can't do it on my own.....or rather, I won't get better until I get help for it. I guess right now it's just overcoming my personal pride of I can always do it to ask for help.
The second part of it is that I'm planning to take up social work next year, be it in Melbourne or Singapore. It's not a new thing, but I want do to more than just volunteer now. I think I'm a very lucky person actually - I have a good family background, enough money and an education and really, why not? Why not share what I have? There's always the phrase: someone has to do it but no one ever says: that someone is me. So why not me?
I've been seriously thinking about it because I'm in a media degree. I don't want to become a spindoctor, or help corporations become richer than they already are. I know what kind of morality is practiced in large coporations for the sake of corruptive effeciency and I'm strongly against it. Yes, there is always a grey area but there ARE lines that cannot be crossed and these are the lines of objective morality. I cannot justify a man stealing from his worker's medical care every year, depriving them of help and occasionally - a job. I also cannot justify why this same man would actually offer money to 14 year olds to become his mistresses. It's sickening and disgusting and is wrong no matter how much you look at it.
If it is intelligence that seperates us from animals
then it is compassion that seperates us from machines
I believe in that.
Justice, compassion, mercy.....these are at the highest of humanity's ideals isn't it? Highest, but also easiest to do. Compassion can be something as simple as an arm around the shoulder, a 'I am here for you'. Justice isn't so much about punishment or reward, but the concept of equality; treating each child and not practicing favouristism can also be considered justice. And mercy.....well, everyone prays for mercy don't they? That we can be merciful and tolerant towards each other's small and human faults, that we seek understanding even when justice is handed out.
I'm not planning to be a saint or marytr, I simply believe that there is good to be done. That in my own way, I want to contribute towards the good of society. Maybe I can't rid the world of poverty or disease, but I'm a media major - maybe I can write articles for NGOs and help raise awareness.....is not running an awareness programme simply another form of advertising? Can't I put my skills (which are meant to swindle), to a better use? Or on a basic level, can't I offer my time and money for a better cause?
I've been considering it for a while because I'm very disillusioned and disheartened with my degree. I enjoy advertising and marketing, but I don't like the feeling of manupialating people for profit - it goes against my personal ethics plus there is a stink about it that reminds me too much of my father. It's like the conversation we had back in Zhuhai: Sometimes, you need to have corrupt before you can be efficient. You can't run a business without being totally corruption-free It's that kind of double-think I never want to get into, or ever practice myself.
And here I am, doing it in my degree :/
What really set me off was that he wanted me to continue from media to tenancy law (postgrad). True, it's economically viable and offers steady employment....but what kind of soulessness is that? To help remove people from their homes and cinch luxury business deals? Money is important, but not everything. You cannot cross that line from when you change from human to a money-machine. That's what ATMs are for
I want.....I want to do something for others. Not just the people around me who are already well-taken care of, but the people who don't have that kind of security network of money, education and employment. Despite everything, I truly believe I am an unbelievably lucky person and I want to make use of what I have - however small, to help someone. Maybe I can't change the world right now, but who says I can't try?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:16 p.m.+
Kor left today, which is kinda sad but I'm in a weirdly bouyant mood. I don't know; parting is sad but not at the same time and maybe we'll meet up for Christmas in London who knows? :D Wouldn't that be really fun?
Went to Chinatown to meetup with Sak, and got some fabrics/lace as well as stuff for the sweet accessory making. We bought everything EXCEPT the silicate. So smart right? x_X On the other hand, I found some really pretty moss green rickrack which matches quite well with the ST fabric as well as some blue coudroy as well. Had tons of food (ba zhang, tutu kueh, taiwanese sausage and birds nest drink) and even got aweeeeeeeeeeesome molds :D and OMG sak now owes me $50bucks mmkay?
The funniest was this superhilarious cab ride back. We cabbed 'cause we were late and mom was going to have a heart auerysm if kor missed his flight and this guy...HAHAHA damned funny. It doesn't sound as funny in English though. Apparently we broke his 'po lei xin' (glass heart) 'cause I said his music was my father's type ('nian ling') and that Sak is more 'chen sou' (mature) than I am and that we're too serious and never enjoy life even. Like, go PAK. What's PAK? PAK IS DISCO LAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111onoeneone and then he thought Aya was the maid. HAHAHAHA. AYA'S FACE--> =_______=;;; (fist)
lulz
OK need to clean some stuff up, talk to mariko_senpai and sort out tomorrow's things. Outram park, dinner with Aya + co. Sunday = sweets making, buy silicate!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:45 a.m.+
I feel like an idiot. OK. I mean like, since I already bought it might as well right? yeah man, the difficulty is mustering the courage to do it Anyway more important matters I really need to contact Audrey. I'm guessing she's blocked me on MSN (typical?) or appearing offline or both but damnit we're still housemates and things have to be done. It just strikes me as unbelievably petty and childish (if she really did that) Of course, she could still be in Tasmania but she's supposed to be back by the 10th and if she has enough time to buy a rename token and stuff I'm fairly sure she's been around online >:/
things to do:
1. contact audrey
2. job interview on Mon.
3. buy lens from C.H.
4. Jiawei = $419 AUD
5. chinatown
6. accessories make
7. contact mariko
8. mai
9. dinner w/ sharon 18th
10. set up paypal for SG a/c
Maybe I should try emailing her instead, but it might just go into junk mail. OK. I'll give her another few days or so since she's supposed to be back only on the 10th anyway. Besides that, I already go the DBS token and stuff so I should set up the premier paypal a/c ASAP......then go bug jiawei for my monies. Need to go and collect lens for cherie too at Sunshine Plaza (maybe should go and pick up some polaroid on the way) Nikon maintainence check $74. Then Monday must chiong interview.
I really need to get my shit together. I've been wallowing in my own misery for too long, and I hate it. I don't like feeling stressed/depressed/weepy/angsty and god - I just have to suck it up and get my shit together. It's not like the end of the world. I can get over this. I have to get over this. We're living in the same fucking house for god's sake and I want to make it work. I don't want to deal with tenancy disputes or flatmate problems or property issues or whateverthefuckitis because it's my second/third year and goddamnit I'm 21. This has got to stop.
So. Cooooooool. Think Zen. Easy-breezy yea? Can do it. Can make it. Even if I have to force myself to do it I will. I mean, it can't be as bad as my relatives yea? Sure, it's painful and dontsayanything but OK. I guess that's what being an adult is, shutting up and taking it in the ass. It's like that bad playground joke: bend over and no one will get hurt
but OK....it's a couple more years and then i can disappear. i have patience. i can wait. even if there is no one at the end of the dream, even if what was has disappeared.........I want to make it.
right. no more.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:36 a.m.+
Listening to m-flo and stoning...well, kinda. Woke up at an ungodly hour today (10am!) to go popo's house then mahmah's house. Popo was really happy to see us, OMG THE FOOD! pei dan porridge, baos, vegetarian noodles, bread and platters and platters of E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G *____* plus, the expression on my brother's face when he opened his big big mouth to eat the dai bao is absolutely hilarious (where's my camera when I need it?!)
Went to Taka, passed the shortbread skirt to Carmen and posted the okashi no kuni JSK ;____; damnit, I love that print so much ;_____; but ahhhh shikata nai, I'll just try for the skirt! Or something else maybe....I really want to work too. I want to work and work and work and not-think and I have all the arguements listed on my head: 1. earn money . be useful 3. meet more people 4. get my mind off thinking 5.feel less useless 6. have to go back to normal sleeping cycle 7. can buy more lolita 8.errr hmmm isn't 7 reasons enough???
My mood swinging is lifting somewhat. As in, I don't feel so tense and snappish anymore or so volatile. OK. Stabilising input. I think having 12 hours of sleep yesterday really helped, and also concentrating on things that need to be done instead of what could have happened. It's like building sandcastles I guess, packing it up for the waves to eat it all over again.
On another note I finished an akame fic called 'Kids' featuring Jin/Pi/Ryo + kame. Haven't decided if I want to publish it yet but hey! I feel so proud for actually finishing something...but you know, sometimes I just write it just for me. It's just really entertaining to write fics on the bus, 174 today was surprisingly cool
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:33 p.m.+
OK I feel like 1000xxx better today after sleeping for 12 hrs. I also feel 1000xxx better after eating matcha chiffon cake, custard pudding and $51 bucks worth of sashimi/sushi from Medi-ya supermarket. Cheapskates FTW! Even better since I shared half the cost with Jiawei 'cause we were both in town to repair our respective Nikons (her scanner, my johnboy)
Tomorrow: Both grandparents in morning/afternoon. Mail out okashi no kuni, mail out An's letter, mail out Shibahime's letter, meetup the other lolita.
Mom's getting her other leg injection too :x hopefully she'll feel better
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:36 a.m.+
Sorting my ipod shuffle, isn't it funny? I like it better that it can hold only 93 songs....It's almost liberating to have a smaller choice, not to mention I use so little of it anyway. Plus I like having a smaller playlist, it's so much more comforting...
Went to the doctor today, apparently it's just an inflammation+allergy so yay! no worries :D I admit to being freaked out yesterday after all that blood....it's one thing to be not scared of blood, it's another to realise that hey all that blood is YOURS and mind you, people can't live without at least 8 litres of it.
I must be a serious electronica addict man....just never noticed it. Half my playlist is filled with remixes, synthpop and stuff like Pizzicato5, Air, Telepopmusik and Cornelius. That reminds me, I should meet up with Rachel Koh.
Quite tired today....It's mom's birthday (happy birthday dear!!!<333) and it was pretty fun. We had dinner at Jin Hu and it was delicious~<3 the thing that bothered me was uncle marc :x It's not that I dislike him or anything, but sometimes he really goes too far. He's a family friend, he's my brother's godfather but he isn't my friend. He has no right to ask personal questions or tease me about my weight. My siblings and close friends can do that - but he has no right. I just really hate that. I hate it when people take liberties with personal space; be it metaphorical or physical.
I really should do a year review. Maybe bullet points will help.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+
Seems like the difficulties isn't over. I'm sick now. Really really sick. I've been nosebleeding everyday, and today during lunch - I vomited a whole puddle of blood. Not a fun experience.......and I couldn't even finish my scone properly ;_;
I'm kinda scared but not at the same time. Just....there
It was just a lot of blood.
A lot
I hacked up enough to splatter the sides of the toilet bowl and dye it pink. Even my spit was pinky-red.....and walking through the underpass I felt almost faint from all that heat....god, what is wrong with me?
other than that I got a haircut! I really like it now. It's about collarbone length and much easier to manage and feels lighter. I don't feel it being so heavy all the time anymore, and I think it really suits the otome look more.....plus I'm seriously considering dropping lolita for otome. It's been lurking in my mind for a while now anyway.....so why not right? Still cute!:D
Afternoon tea with siblings was really good<333 I think goodwood park is really the best choice, and my brother is really turning into a yuppie LOL it was great anyway. It's just nice for 3 of us to hangout once in a while and just eat foodz and talk (even if they were MEAN and EVIL and took pics of me and my scone. leave us romantically together!!!!!1111) hahaha so funny. maybe it's turning into a sibling event?
anyway off to sleep now
gotta see doctor tmr
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:27 a.m.+
Thoughts gathered, then scattered again. Someone's playing playground marbles in my head, losing'em marbles everywhere - what's everything coming to?
It's like right now, everything's a mess. I want to run away from it all; go back to Melbourne and retreat into soft lands and softer dreams conjured in darkrooms and smells. I love the smell of ethonic acid and the drip of running water and the soft click of plates and it's so easy, it's so easy to just tell yourself that order is easy. You'll find it in every page of this monochromatic light
but it's not like that.
no, it has never been like that.
So. Today. Yesterday. There's enough tears to fill a well, and not enough magpies to swallow them all. I'm just kinda meh now......mostly, thank god this is over. It's just so sudden. Mostly when I expect things to fuck up, it's on my dad's side. I mean, I even laugh at how dysfunctional they are. But every family is dysfunctional isn't it? Somehow, I clung to the hope that my mom's family was sane but it seems like every family has it's own problems :(
It starts with my uncle's ineptitude and callousness, then my grandfather's pain. Bouncing like tennis balls, everyone. Bouncing grief and anger and shock like rackets and nets. What really happened right? Just a lot.
I feel less and less like talking nowadays
It's almost like the more I talk about it, the more despondent I feel
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:03 a.m.+
I want to do one of those end of year review things, but I'm afraid that I'll have to be drunk out of wits before I can do one properly - too many things to be said and then should have been left unsaid and honestly I'll need 10 cans of chu-hai in green apple before loose lips sink more relation ships and god, is that a bad pun or what?
There's a lot of be said for this year.
I'll be trying to collect my thoughts, settle them before drawing into a logical careful conclusion until I realised - there's no conclusion. None at all. Life goes on. In touch, a reflection doesn't stop the now from happening so perhaps it's a futile exercise but I need it; I need some kind of exorcism from my thoughts before they eat me up alive
Last year I resolved to be kinder towards my mother, to be more understanding towards my family. In a way it worked - we fought less as a family, and sometimes I even treasure the little arguements I have with my brother because who knows when we'll see each other again? Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and time mellows old scars. It hasn't been easy I think, to reach this state of peace with my immediate family. I mean we still fight, but more in a normal way. Normal is good, normal is great. I had to work around a lot of anger to achieve this, and perhaps...... by accepting I was angry and resentful, it was the first step towards peace. In that way, I think my resolution was achieved.
But. Like every story, there's a 'BUT.' hovering somewhere. BUT. Understanding doesn't mean forgiveness or compassion, and I have to try very very hard to do it. I just can't. When I say it's OK, it doesn't mean I forgive you. It means I've accepted and understood your justification, worked it out inside my head and deliberated that lashing out would be less useful than letting it pass. It could be small things, like when I came back and my sister kept taunting me with her scarcasm (which, in retrospect, she probably didn't realise how much damage she was doing) and I lashed out on my mother of all people. It could be big things, like that slow agonizing build up of resentments and hurts that finally caused my friendship with Audrey to be destroyed. I regret that. I regret that deeply. Perhaps, it would have been better if we actually talked to one another instead of talking on each other. So many things.....
Audrey. I think that is the single most painful regret I had this year - you know how terrible it feels to have your soul ripped apart? The sudden knowledge that you spent 8 years of your life loving and caring for someone who would easily kill you just because. So I walked out. I had to walk out. For once, I want to justify what I did because no matter how much she cared for me, she could not - could not; not hurt me.
Because, she was abusing me.
That's it. There, I've finally said it. It is abuse, and was abuse. Maybe it was different later when we had the sembleance of a more normal friendship....but before, it was abuse. My mom knew it. My mom wanted to kill Audrey because of it. I thought it was normal - but what kind of reference did I have? Most people treated me worse, so if Audrey was using me - then it was OK right? because everyone was doing it. All those games she played. Maybe she was in pain too, maybe I was too easy, maybe it was something else.......but it doesn't change what happened. It doesn't change what happened. words that echo in my fucking brain. it echoed so much when my mom gripped my hand and told me she knew about it. knew about the nights and penknives and hard music and itching skin. yeah fucking right she knew.
and the thing that hits hardest is that she never apologised
not once
did she ever say i'm sorry
just......nothing
it fucking hurt damnit. when realisation slammed like a poverbial brick, i couldn't do it anymore. so what if we were normal now? SHE was normal now, but I was stuck somewhere between the fucking past and present, I couldn't move on because there was no apologies, no explainations and what - I was supposed to accept everything again? she didn't even care enough. she didn't even remember what she did.
i guess this is when i gave her a choice, and then she walked out.
i just feel so drained now. for weeks i just said OK, i could move on because after all, wasn't our friendship already degenerating? but it's not like that. today i actually grieved over it, shockingly i cried. i'm just so tired of this. am i a bad person? particularly unlovable or something? really unlucky? most people just think oh, it's just another one of their fights but it's not. it's not. it's over.
now i just need to get stupidly drunk and convince myself that was the right thing to do. or maybe follow jiawei's advice and get a divorce lawyer
i am so tired of caring.
i don't want to review the year anymore. everytime i think of this, my brain just slams shut and breaks down and i start ranting and it's just not good. maybe i'll do a proper one next week once i've gotten my thoughts in order. somehow, i must. it started out so well too, and just degenerated into ranting.
+tsu waited for you at 03:21 a.m.+
urgh I'm so lazy to do a Japan recap for pitas as well. just nothing but thoughts lately; thoughts about happenings and such and the sad sad story of my okashi no kuni jsk and social welfare and midnight revolutions and omg! tsu is so poor and needz a job really D:
ok so gonna call them up tomorrow and yeah~
leseee....had lunch with jiawei who was ONE HOUR AND 30 MINS LATE. LIEK WHOA. she actually beat me on the lateness scale O.O then horrifying dinner with The Relatives from Hell and i'm totally not looking forward to 24th Jan aka. Dinner from Lowest Hell and argh, wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf WTF D: mom WTF D: yea man, apparently you shitholes know more about photography than me and inexplicably, i solved the mystery on how to make Ochacha lattes
japan was cool and all that but damned i did a review on livejournal already so i'm just gonna do a copypasta. photos will be on flickr soon enough and most of the shopping will be posted on poupeegirl. the rest is just For House things like mandolin, potato masher, whisk and oven muffs and mushroom! shaped clothes pegs which are soooooooo cute<33333 and fucking cheap too, since daiso = 100yen shop
reading a lot of comics. scared myself shitless yesterday with kor's rec, now i'm reading rising stars and contemplating on getting cairo.
ok really sleepy. talk tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:32 a.m.+
back and in need of sleep D:
I need a bath too
in any case, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
I'll do the recap and unpacking and everything later. god. there's so many things to do. but first i want a bath, a panadol and some sleep '#_# the coolest part of the trip wasn't really the shopping (surprise) but mainly having fun with family and meeting Sonoe-san again. Kawakita-san was really funny too, he has a really dry sense of humour LOL also, I think I really like colder weather - I barely feel cold at all! Maybe I should have brought a thinner jacket, ah well
seeya all later~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:15 a.m.+
not really blogging much, busy? Just did my internet check in for Japan. *crosses fingers* I hope everything goes OK....kinda worried, but not too much. I should pack my stuff tomorrow in any case
The house is finally packed (at least, to mom's satisfaction). Tomorrow having lunch with The Family (in caps) and then I'll probably be mashing potatoes under Aya's command lol....this christmas seems vaguely sad and lackluster somehow, I think because everyone is growing old :x
It's not just the growing old bit, it's more like everyone's growing old and leaving. It's much quieter now, and somehow....it's less exciting? I still very much enjoy it though. The food is going to be great in any case~ :D I'm also ridiculously cheerful for someone who's gonna be stuck on the plane for 8hrs without music lol
Met up with Steph today, was really good. Walked around a bit, had icecream, talked a bit etc etc anyway she's going to be back in Melbourne for NYE (staying at Sefie's party methinks) while I'll be back in SG.
Drabbling akame fics lately, didn't post any. I have a relative cool Sandman crossover series, first one with desire/jin and kame getting lost in the dreaming. the second one is a kuroshitsuji one that deals with sebastian making deal with dream to hire a baku for ciel. plus i have a principal!jin meets longsuffering superintendent! kame. i have a brilliant idea! let's have a balloon day for the school festival! don't you think it's brilliant kamenashi? yea yea...practically jinius; he rolled his eyes heavenward, wondering how on earth did he end up with this job. or something. actually i have too many ideas, but i just can't be bothered to write all of them down. i even have a drunk!kame with an overlyintelligent!jin convo lol. actually i just really really want a schwepps cream soda too ;_;
Going take a bath, then read some comics.
just to be annoying, how cool d'you think it'll be to have kame meet shinya during music station and have a weird conversation about bums, doughnuts and the sekeret meaning of sudoku books?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:53 a.m.+
Haven't really had time to think lately. Depending on how you look at it, you could say it's a good/bad thing. It's just really busy in the house, almost frantically busy. Craaaaazy. OK. I just don't understand this perpetual need for busy-ness. It's kinda like they're working towards a non-existant deadline. Anyway. Yeah. At least it's quiet now.
At least, they're doing the bookcases my way
God, these people don't have a clue how books are actually ordered. It's not just saying it'll happen will make it happen y'know? crazy
Kinda thinking that Kuroshitsuji would do well with a Sandman crossover....hell, most things could do well in it. I bet if I wanted to, I could do a KAT-TUN crossover and no one would be wiser (actually, I would do it just for the lulz. I even have the perfect plot for it, go me!)
kk, need some sleep
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:32 a.m.+
i feel like i walked two moons with a pair of flipflops as shoes
bloody tired. actually, it's not so much tired as it feels like someone's put a drill on the side of my head and cramping it slowly in a grip. ouch, my head. drained, tired, weary...take your pick in adjectives
sometimes i don't even know why i come back to singapore anymore.
the weather sucks. i feel sick from the haze and dust. i avoid orchard mrt like a plague just in case i run into someone i don't care for. dealing with my sister is nasty on return, because she's just so bloody rude - at least, the first week. makes me wonder if she actually misses me or is just pretending. then kor's acting all goodygoody now; which is refreshing considering he's rarely conrite, but it's annoying because d00de; you've only been nice for the last 1 year and yet he's being all morally-high-ground on me
i reckon the only reason i come back for is to check up on mom, eat food and pick up some new books when i get back melbourne. melbourne. is more like home now.
really nasty fight today. naaaasty. honestly by the time i was done it was like: shut up and go away type of feeling. i don't care for excuses or sorries or sudden niceties. that's it really. sudden niceties. when kor was being all 'think about mom!!111oneone' one me i was thinking this: he has no right to say it to me, since he was the first person to cause break mom's heart when he was 13. it's not like anyone's forgotten, gong gong certainly never forgave him for that incident. he was never there when mom started yelling and screaming and crying about jumping off roofs, nor did he even give a fuck during those years spent half-awake/asleep listening to her cry and talk to auntie susan. so next time someone complains why mom is so pian xin/favouritism i suggest they ask themselves if they ever cared during those years, and whether they did anything about it.
they don't remember, but i do. i don't even begrudge them for disliking me based on the whole pian xing thing. the only thing i do is keep track of everyone's actions, and you can hold yourself accountable for what you did and did not do. i've done my share of 'taking care' of people, and honestly i just want a break. spend some time slacking around. go shopping with mom or what. get over the broken friendship with audrey. read a couple of comics. blah blah.
i bet they don't even know half the things i've done for them. and now that i think about it, i don't really care whether they know or not anymore.
i just want to get away. i hate this. i hate this whiny pointlessness. i'm sick of people trying to take away every single thing that belongs to me. okay, cleared my plants and threw them away. okay, threw my clothes away, my table away. and now they want to mess with my books. i'm already nice enough that i let them borrow shelving space, but they want to throw my books(!) and fuck up my life again. already i spent this entire year moving in and out of houses (3 fucking times) and getting evicted in a fucking court case and such. i come back to singapore for some nice non-change and when i wake up, i don't recognise a single thing anymore.
here goes:
then is this really my home?
i don't even know this place.
non-change is nice. can people please stop being so fucking flakey and change-y? change is only good gradually, not overnight. in a deng xiaoping universe, this is when we stomp the students in tiananmen square. you need stability for growth, i come to singapore for that very reason and now i wish i was back in melbourne. at least then i'll have the peace and quiet to contemplate on this year.
i really don't these people anymore. they're so hurry hurry hurry and for what? hurrying to die? to finish? so stupid. things that are actually important have no sense of time. why hurry?
i think...... my family = everyone + me. i don't feel part of them. any sembleance of loyalty is mostly because i feel it's my duty to feel affectionate and sisterly. i mean it's not like i don't have any fun, but it isn't anything deep or meaningful or moving. even aya, i don't really know. i can see in her eyes, the way she talks to me - she doesn't care for me as an older sister anymore. she thinks she knows better, and that's i'm a half-whacked idiot who doesn't know anything about 'reality'. reality! what rubbish is that paperthin routine? *snorts* so. in a way. i know we're all pulling away.
i'm just tired. i want to go home.
just yea, don't ask me where home fucking is anymore.
nights' y'all. time to check my poupeegirl cc.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:38 a.m.+
Like really, I should be sleeping.
Well, I should be doing a lot of things
Today was good. Went out with Alicia and had negitoro and walked around Clarke Quay and most clearly - a simcity moment with the lilypads and brand logo and clear clear sky and for a second I could twirl lightly, and turn it into a HDR zone. Simcity animotions. It was like a giggling, fresh as cream and lemon kind of day. Like hearing exclaimation marks behind your name, (tsu!!!) that rhymed with the sound of cicidas a kind of summery, breezy cool song
Also kor came home
dunno. i'm a mixed feelings person. Everything seems to come in bunches, bunches come in bundles like a huge rolling katamari star. You are my rolling star~ and like that, it's just like picking up moomoos and vehicles and giant squids comes happiness and sadness and all those nameless others going ping!ping!ping as you pick each ruthlessly up until well - what's there left to feel but a clutterful ball?
Mostly I'm just listening to music. Not really music music, but in my head. I've been dreaming a lot more now, dreams that taste like bluesy golden basslines and spechural choral voices and things - I try not to remember them, but the feeling stays. It's like being in a floating paradiase, trapped with the sky in your head and the land on your feet, lying weightlessly on a cloud. I wake up with stories, I go out and forget them and sleep even more stories.
hmmmmmmmmm still thinking a bit
hopefully the TV gets repaired tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:35 a.m.+
OMG OMG OMG OMG
OMG OMG OMG
ANTIQUE BAKERY!
Aya's words: My sister is a loser, she's been missing out on antique bakery. Squall! Sorry eh random. watching dissidia open. i think frioniel is very hot. oh and got another thing to say, lunars is damned cute as onion knight. - CUT- kor: oy what time are you going out tmr? IDK
LINK LINK LINK CLICK HERE
+tsu waited for you at 02:08 a.m.+
http://users.livejournal.com/tsu_/152086.html
I made the post public so it can be read by everyone~ I think it's quite a good reciepe anyway and I do enjoy cooking. When I get back to Melbourne I have several things to try making too :D mostly I keep thinking of making a dessert: matcha soft pudding with black seasame and wolfberries? It would be very interesting and delicious I think, especially if I can get my hands on Ochacha's matcha powder.
Slight flu, I think all the dust is making me sick. Lunch with Alicia tomorrow at Waraku, I can't wait! I really want to eat negitoro-don ;____; and parfait! Maybe if I have space, I'll eat kakigori too (from Azu Sabo) Kor's touching down at 6.45pm tomorrow night, so it'll be quite a busy day
Stayed in today, and had a mont blanc for lunch and another for tea. Rive Gauche's one is really not bad, considering how cheap it is ($4.50) It's very creamy and light, and the chestnut is very good quality. My fault with it is that it's almost too light and the sponge is not soft enough. All in all, it's still better than caneles or even worse - crystal jade's *shudder*
Anyway I'm off to sleep soon, typing/resizing so many photos is tiring...
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:50 a.m.+
sometimes, i think: there's no such thing as kindness in the world, only small mercies.
and then, i also think: if only small mercies exists, why hasn't it allowed me to forget? or is it too much of a kindness?
mostly, i think
i wish i didn't think
the night is warm and smells like memories, sitting here is too familar and all at once, unforgettable. i can't regret anything now, can i? over and done with. move on. stop thinking. driving it further: up centrestage, you must never show weakness. i remember what it's like, custard in the veins.
sometimes, remembering is cruelty - and the small mercy it leaves, is nothing but a steely, grim merciless resolve. regret might make you stop, but pride stops you from turning around and running back.
it is so many things.
such a small small mercy
+tsu waited for you at 04:14 a.m.+
Truth.
Thinking lately, thinking about truth. Possibly, it's the most important thing in the universe now - not love, not knowledge, not money or power but truth. Everywhere, everyone is trying to find truth. You have people confessing on LJ, on mail, to strangers on bustops and random conversations: I lied. it seems that everyone does, but like Newton's law - for every action, there must be a reaction so everywhere people are trying to tell the truth. Fascinating business. You have the really expose-type people, with tell-all autobiographies and tabloid talk shows plumbing to the depths of who/what/where, as though by endlessly analysing a situation we can find out the truth.
I don't claim to know the truth
but a true thing: that there are many truths.
there is no one truth
not much truth, but enough
enough to be many truths
I think about it so much now, truth and true things (very different things, a difference like wishing and wanting) I wonder if its possible to learn truths not just of my own, but others too. Is it possible? How can I do it? I want to know. So many liars out there after all. Not that lying is evil, but rather......I would like to know. Or is it enough to know about true things? Thinking about things like this, ponder. I believe in true things though. Not truths, but true. Truths taste like sawdust to be, dusty and secretive and illuminating as sunshine down the asscrack of the galaxy, which is somewhat important and unimportant at the same time but true things on the other hand....they're like aboslutes. Like all or nothing. I need that. I need them (we all do), because only true things can you build universes
can you understand? maybe? a tiny bit?
I know why people do it though, that's a kind of truth. The truth is people strip themselves and post secrets because it's like a kind of confession, a kind of release and absolvation - I shot her in the head. I hated him. I lied. those kind of things. Human things. You strip it bare and make it empty so that you can be yourself again without secrets, even if it's to an unknown audience. As long as it is read, then you exist. The truthful one. The truth is also that people like to tell confessions, because it's like stories. People crave that attention, that audicity of opinions - much like pronography, telling truths are explicit, hidden and taboo. You get a carnivale effect, a kind of psychic release. The truth is too that people want to be saved. It is also truth that some people don't want to, and they confess to remain in hell longer. The truth hurts. The truth is that truth is supposed to hurt, because only wounds that has been lanced can heal. The truth is also some things can never be healed. See? So many truths, but only one true thing.
thinking.....
sometimes when I say 'thinking'
I imagine my head bouncing around like the Katamari king during the loading scene lol
On to other matters, it's been really busy. Actually not really, mostly at home being quiet. When I mean busy, it's more like busy-avoiding-people than busy-having-lunch LOL My days are spent at home, lounging around in shorts/tshirt, rolling katamaris, reading English comics and watching channel8 dramas. Yeah. LOL It's Aya's fault (or rather Mon's fault) that we're all addicted to this Little Nyonya series. No, it's not that good. No, the acting is terrible and the plot is cliched. HOWEVER! It's strangely addictive, horrors D: ah well, at least I'm not into Twilight. I flipped it today at Kino and it was... *yawn* God, the writing is even more awful than Rowling's if that's even humanely possible :x
At the same time, finished reading Dark Victory and now I really want to finish up the trilogy with Haunted Knight (then I'll finally *FINALLY* finish the Batman trilogy). I read the entire Sandman, Batman Year One and House of M too. Tonight I *might* start on the Eternals.....and oh, bought the Brian Adelezzo JOKER which is very very good. I'm waiting till kor gets back to wrap up with Hush, which is one of my absolute favourites. EVER. Jim Sale? Jeph Loeb? *_________*
Listening to Under Pressure and Come Undone (Live) really frequently, I need to get my ipod fixed and updated gahhh :/ I should really go out more. Oh well. I did go out today though, to the post office and Taka food court to eat junk food ^^;;;;;; Tomorrow I'll stay in, but Thursday I'm meeting Char Siew Bao for lunch ~ negitoro awaits!!!!!!<3<3<3 Plus I really want to talk/ask her how's she's been.....good, considering I haven't really kept in touch with anyone else.
Partially I wish I could post a notice that Audy and I aren't really 'friends' anymore, just to stop all the o.O when I say I don't know her address. adshjadskjlda :/ do I look like her secatary, waiting to take all her notes????? :x It's not like she wants to speak to me anyway, most likely she's blocked me on MSN since I never see her online anymore. Looks like she really WAS lying about the whole 'I want to be friends' again stuff, since totally wu-ying-wu-ren already. Good thing I didn't put too much faith in her promise to become a better friend, if not it'll be another painful disappointment.
Enough of that talk. It's too bitter for a good day.
Time to update poupee!! (and resize the gazillion sg pics :D)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:22 a.m.+
I feel cheated since that test is basically a rehash of the Myer-Briggs personality test. It's still fairly accurate though (possibly because I fall very strongly in the median average for the sterotype) Just learned how to cook bak zheng tong from my mom, kinda awesome~~~ maybe will try when I get back to Aust.
Now waiting for sak to call....
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:03 p.m.+
It is like 3am and I'm still awake o.O;; behold the magical powers of Puccho candy! I hope melon is going to be a permanent flavour and not just a limited hokkaido special though, because how can I live without it now?!?!?! On the same note, I just tried the Brazilian Pudding Pocky which was kinda weird. It's good, but it tastes a bit like soggy french toast or very crunchy pudding.
Anyway today went to grandma's place and had lots of food<333 Earlier this morning mom dragged me out for her 'improve-tsu!' experiment. Honestly I think I look the same, you can't really do anything about my uhhh 'unchangeable-ness' :x no one has ever complimented me on my magical ability to transform, since it DOES NOT EXIST lol although, I think I would like to look a bit differently sometimes......
Finished writing most of my holiday mail (thank god) I'm not even going to bother wrapping, just chucking them all into the mail. This is problem you get when you have too much stuff to be sent overseas :x Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT MY DREAM DRESS TOO! *_* at a very good price too, may I add. 15,000yen for a Jane Marple dress? (original price: 35,000yen) Anyway I really lucked out on this one. It's the right colour and design for a change! I'm so happy about it<3333333333 now to get Jiawei to pay me back, so I can pay off Crescent~~~~<3333 maybe a christmas present to myself for photography H1???????? xD
I also cleaned my ENTIRE closet, and threw out tons of stuff. If I see any photos of myself under 18 I'm just going to BURN THEM. because. I dressed like a JE-meet-Hot-Topic reject. SPANGLES. TARTAN. DIAMANTE. PLEATHER. (all on the same skirt, mind you). I am torn between being vaguely horrified and crawling into the nearest hole to bury myself deeply and thoroughly underground.
okay I need a bath and sleep @_@ I just ironed all my laundry!!!!!!!! (as in, everything in my suitcase as well as the stuff that just dried) I managed to spot remove the colour transfer stains from my snow white OP too, so happy~:D Bleach really works wonders! Now I'm so tempted to try it on my other white clothes~ will it make it just as white and sparkling???? who knows?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:48 a.m.+
........I can hear Katamari on the swing in my dreams D: which probably means I'm playing too much of it. BUT! seriously, the new levels have been pretty amazing *_* Especially the CLOUD!universe (roll up as many stormclouds!!) and the 500m one where you can roll up the Taj Mahal, Giant Octopus, UFOs and Great Wall of China *__________* I rolled until my thumbs ached~~ ahhhhh K.A.T.A.M.A.R.I<3!
Um, anyway, layout change!
be happy, because it's been almost 3 months since the last
I figured it'll do me good to have a layout change anyway, it's in the general theme of adapting to new times, adjusting back and forth etc etc etc. plus I really like this image from Shinzi Katoh, it's possibly my favourite one ever<3 (although, the cat one runs a close second) Re-read most of my comics as well as buying the latest Joker release from the 100 bullets dude, Brian Azzarello. I like his writing, and the artwork was FANTASTIC so I had to get it *_* it looks so painterly! Anyway, very good. Dent VS Joker this time, with a cameo-ending by Batman. Planning to start on Dark Victory soon and then finish up House of M.
Tomorrow going to clean up my closet (which stinks, after being enclosed for the last 6 months *woe*) and had stingray for dinner. Stingray = AMAZING<3 and glorious XD XD XD unfortnately had an allergy attack, possibly due to heat and lack of air. Actually I really enjoy being at home, I don't really have any desire to go out much (could also be because I'm feeling sick ATM, which makes me irritable and less sociable) It's almost like reverse culture-shock, except it isn't a culture shock, it's a physical shock: the weather is basically killing me. Runny, itchy nose? Tearing, red eyes? Itchy scalp and oily hair? Mosquitos? Raspy throat? Mild diehorrea? Check, check check :/
On a random note, I just realised this year will be my second year I have double winters. Last year I was in Zhuhai (winter), Australia (winter) and Italy (winter). This year I'll have Australia and Tokyo winters. hurhur. hopefully my skin is thick enough to withstand it.
Scanned MILKFED and a whole pile of other stuff. Kinda lazy to do it today, so I'll resize it tomorrow. Will add pictures of my new haircut to LJ too. Urghhh more on it tomorrow. Enjoy the layout at any rate! :D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:03 a.m.+
I feel like I can live for this, this feeling. A deep dark blackness consumes me, like sleeping within sleeping. It's almost like it's telling me to keep quiet, keep it safe and close my eyes to just be. There is nothing in it, not even darkness. Inside I can lie quiet, floating in its softness and sleep. A sleep full of windsmoke and poppies, full of cats and midnight eyes and bibleblack lipgloss and slim spires and all kinds of weathery, feathery queer little things bubbling up and spilling through an open balcony door.
If I closed my eyes, I could taste it. A special kind of taste like that its like just, that taste of...of cityness. velveteen and slicked streets and long exposure nighttimes and ribbonfirebelts of light all glossamar and silky and taffeta sadness as the city sleeps, and I sleep within it. Living inside a song.
If the last few weeks have been turmoil, then this is ripples. Turmoil and ripples. You'll think an earthquake is more shattering than silence, but no - ripples are like violin strings, pulled screams from horse tails', an unearthy wail of melachonic sound. Sometimes I think that violins are the closest thing to the sound of wind tearing, of silence being ripped apart, so closely you can almost see the seams tearing, the particles splitting into minute explosions equal to a hydrogen bomb on loop collusion.
So now, ripples.
Been making Christmas cards and such, my attention has been wandering lately. Half of it is due to the heat, it stinks and clings like an unwanted second skin - as if I were a snake, ready to shed it. Mostly I just want to spend the entire day reading comics and trying to download Night on Galatic Railroad which keeps eating my mind. I swear I've seen it before - or maybe I dreamed it. I swear I've dreamed and seen it before, inside it is the field-place, that field of masks and starry skies and skierries and balloons and the crab shop at the bottom of the hill. I don't know why, only that I really want to watch it....maybe I'll buy it from Amazon, since there's other stuff I want as well.
Besides that, I'm addicted to this awesome hokkaido melon candy thing called Puccho which is not only adorable, but delicious. OMG I can finish an entire pack in an hour. It's basically hi-chew yohgurt candy wrapped with smaller melon gummy balls inside and it's just so bloody addictive. When I go back to Melbourne I'm going to secrete a billion packs of Puccho, and never let it go *_* along with Ochacha green tea powder, and other delicious snacks<3 Talking about snacks, I managed to open new rounds of Katamari including this AWESOME stage where you can roll up entire cities (and ended up getting lost in Tokyo LOL) It's really quite fun, although after hitting 10m you start to feel a bit unwieldy from the size *____* now all I need to do is the campfire one, and we're all set!
Also cleaning up room. Or should I say, procastinating cleaning :/ I really hate cleaning. It's just dusty, makes my skin itch and annoys the banannas outta me :( Got back my grades as well, which are still decent thank god(!) although I think the reason why I didn't get 3 H1s is because my media papers were handed in late :X
Thinking about going to China for a holiday or sth maybe next year......I know Jiawei is interested too, and I really want to see the Yarkhoto ruins and Taklamakan desert :x there's supposed to be mummies there too!!<3333 ahhh I'll just think about it, but I do want to see it. It's one of those things that you must do when you're young because it's impossible to trek otherwise.
Yesterday went to see Kurokaze at Black Alice and omg<3 I love this AATP blouse<33333 it fits perfectly and is quite reasonably priced? (well, considering the exchange rate *cough*) Anyway I think I'm going to get it once I get the money or something lol~ it was really great to meet her too. Funny thing happened, first time someone recognised me from the internet hahahahaha like omg! am I that well-known as a lolita?! o.o;;;;;; but she seemed okay and was really nice and not weird so it's fine I guess. Then we had taiwanese snack food which I really missed<333 yay for deepfried chicken!!!!
ok. tired. still thinking about my desert.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:52 a.m.+
