*grouses*
Listening to: Kasumi- DEG and Space Lion - Yoko Kanno
I need a layout change. *pout*
Baked cookies from Mrs Alex's birthday, now offically known as "Umbrella" cookies. Why? Because it's CRUNCH! I mean, when you bite into it, it really goes CRUNCH! You can actually hear it, LOL. Got back my composition, which is finally back up to standard ^^ Yay~ from a terrible 18/30 to a respectable 23/30. I hope if I can work hard enough, I can get a 27/30.
I'm pretty happy to please my teachers ^^
Got thwacked on the head by Mrs Low, but due to well-developed instincts (read: Auddy) I ducked just in time. LOL. Apparently, I'll be the death of her and drive her up the wall. Despite me driving her up the wall, she gave me a 20/25!
*squeee in happiness*
She hardly gives anyone so much~ =) very pleased and happy.
Finished the RI prelims, topic "Manliness" then went home. Fell into a puddle, clumsy clumsy tsu~ >.< So irritating, my skirt was dirty. Auddy was in one of her moods, and sometimes......I don't know. I'm just tired I guess. Could't decipher what she was trying to say, or purposely trying -not- to. You decide. Anyhow, she's still my friend and I've got a wacko astrology chart. LOL.
Went home, slept on the bus and nearly missed my stop. I was so tired....I didn't even know how bad I was until I got home. My sister's friends were around, so I hid in the shower ^^ Blueberry is nice~
Slept till 8.30pm, skipped dinner.
Here's S-teki part 5:
[S-Teki]Kaori
Umm...I'll try to finish the rest tomorrow.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:05 a.m.+
Eek!
Listening to: Sweet Sweet Samba - Gravitation
So funny day....Auddy's been calling me "tsu-chan", pinching my cheeks and patting my head. You would've thought I'm used to it by now, but noooo....At least I can keep my temper ^^v LOL...Brings back alot of memories though, being called a "doll" and all. I don't think I really look like a doll though, *pokes self* not pretty enough~
Ahahaha....maybe I'll pass off as a basketball *bounces*
Evokes more than I could imagine. Strange how I try to forget but it doesn't seem to work. Most people want perfect recall, but honestly, it's as much as blessing as a curse. I can remember nearly -everything- and because of this, I suppose it makes me a less forgiving person. Cannot forget.
There's a very weird sense of deja vu sometimes, and I think maybe that's because people sometimes say the excat same thing about me and it pops up so unexpectedly.
Anyhow, had a Literature test today. Wasn't too bad, thankfully she didn't yell out the minutes and seconds (though I was expecting it). Managed a respectable 3 pages ^^ I wanted to do the poetry though, but one look at it told me it was a BAD idea. It wasn't easy and not very evocative (for me). I mean, I could try, but it's a bad idea when you're not really sure what you're talking about.
So I did the Secret Sharer.
Actually, I really love this story. It's about a nameless Captain who saves the life of a fugitive and in this, he gains self-knowledge. It's the whole theme of darkness and light, how they fuse together to form an imperfect person but morally right.
And I was planning to use it for Diffidere too.
The test sucked, the story rocked my universe. LOL. Who knows? I might write a fic on it.
Arraghh...Kao x Kyo...Weekend. I swear.
Had O level English oral and it was a TERRIFYING HORRIBLE HORRIFIC experience. I was so scared my hands turned cold and white, and I think I rambled so I'm not sure if I'll get my A1. T__________T Must get A1! Anyhow, I think I stammered for the first part, then finally got into the groove later. Thankfully the questions weren't too hard but I was so scared I could I gone off tangent without knowing.
It was an infinitely miserable time, in which I was densely distressed. The whole thing was nerve trying.
People are surprised that I'm a psychoanalyzer.
And then I double up as marriage consellers (ironic), consellers (ironic) and general psycharist (ironic). It's so...I don't know. It's like I can solve everyone's problems ranging from husbands who ignore their wives because of work to different levels of loneliness. See? Understanding doesn't mean solving.
Sometimes I don't even know why I care.
Sick weather.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:15 p.m.+
Ka-Zu-Ki
Listening to: Hotarubi
I'm very stone-ish these days....tired....Panadol taking I am. I'm sure I'm going to be an addict soon. LOL. Not yet thought. Dreamy-ish.
It's the season again right?
Yep. It's the time of the year again.
I honestly like autumn...season of dying. Sometimes the wind seems to whisper things..things that sound like ghostly conversations and mummurings that are nothing I've ever dreamed of. And it's this kind of moody and reflective season that brings out the worst of my personality.
It's this kind of dying weather that I fall in sync with and dream of deathly and morbid roulettes and tinkling laughter and the odd taste in the mouth. People get very annoyed with me during this kind of season. It's like my brain stops functioning and I go daydream overdrive. Really. Totally lose focus kinda thing.
It's the wind.........
Sitting on the chair next to the balcony, I can smell it you know. The scent. It smells of...no idea. Smoke things, half formed embryos of thoughts and strands of wailing violins and melachonlic flutes that sing and twine and fuse into....this kind of smell. For me, it's like a signal to end, to die, to reform and sink into a miserable despairing existance.
I'm glad it's still August, by October I become intolerable.
-------------
Overworking, I think. But school is fine just that I'm very tired and exhausted. Difficulty focusing. Maybe I should go talk with people.
What am I saying?
There's no point looking back. No point.
Video editing is nearly done. It looks really good ^^ However, have to finish the last 43 secs.
Can you see how stoned I am?
I dreamt.
In my dream, I flew.
Through the clouds, in the sky.
Then I fell.
Splattered red on the concrete sidewalk.
The end.
I think I should go, before I infect everyone with my morbidness.
love
tsu.
PS. don't call me tsu-chan!
+tsu waited for you at 10:57 p.m.+
Lalalala
Arrghhh...Had the most annoying headache yesterday. I popped some panadol, but personally, I don't think it'll help. It's been....what? A week? Since I ummm...cursed Praying Mantis. Sakanagi I guess, backlash.
Arrghhh....*pounds head on table* hurtsss.
Had a lazy-ish day yesterday. Ate lots of ice cream, dressed like a lolita on crack and was kind of crazy.
Finished more of S-teki...I think I should lighten the "mood" by writing interludes. What do you think? I'll call them "Kousen" ^^ Ray of light! Plus it keeps with the "K" theme.
Hmnn....Have to upload that other Kao x Kyo later.
K'so. So many things to do...so little time.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:24 p.m.+
s-teki
Um. Long day, will mention more tomorrow. Enjoy yourseleves and here's S-teki 4.
[S-teki]Kokoro
As usual, THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION.
PS. Don't kill me just yet.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:49 p.m.+
[S-teki]
Hello. Reminder: This is a work of fiction. This is a work of FICTION. Right. Now that we've settled it, on with the fic.
S-teki
[S-teki]Keigan
[S-teki]Karei
[S-teki]Koushin
I warned you.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:50 p.m.+
Dead or seriously zombified
Listening to: Dead people. Flutes.
I'm really tired.
I'm really really tired.
Long week.....Wednesday I made someone sad by accident, and yeah. Arraghhh damnit !!! I'm not a character and I will NEVER do such a thing. Hear me?!?! It's just a story!
On the other hand, I managed a kickass 37/50 for my E Math test. Yay~ *too tired to jump genkily* Hope for all of us xD
Sou na~ I'm really tired. I'm sorry if I make a terrible friend because I'm really too tired to be genki and everything. I'm trying okay? *pleads* Really...Please....Just...I don't know. If you're sad at the moment and you're my friend it's not that I don't care, I'm just dead tired and exhausted. Really. Talk to me and I'll fall asleep halfway through the conversation.
But if you really need help.....Okay then.
Phone is still open. MSN too.
Tuition wasn't too bad. Learned Coordinate Geometry and various ways to draw long stick lines. Made people laugh again~ Finished my work and went home.
Argh. *stones* Argh.
kokoro ga nokoshita shinjiru imi no tsuyosa wo watashi wo koroshita watashi kokoro.
You know what? I think...I think that this is all crap and what I'm feeling is just exhaustion and nothing else so I should stop whining and stop feeling like this becaise I have NO REASON to and I'm a sensible person that's why I should be happy with what I have and THAT'S NOT RIGHT! ARGHHHHh!! I can't help it...It won't go away.....
You know what? I wish that one day, I can get my heart removed.
I wish that I have absolutely no feelings.
Because damnit. It HURTS. And it HURTS like hurt only can and I don't even know why because well, the world is a free place.
Okay. You know what? I need to learn to stop thinking.
No. I seriously need to die and get reincarnated so I can restart everything and not end up being screwed seven times over by the same thing over and over again.
NICE. HAPPY. NICE. HAPPY.
And Kyo...stop fucking with my head.
Okay, world in general...stop fucking with my head.
*gets angry*
Because if all of you...yes, ALL OF YOU don't stop fucking with my heart and my head I will end up permanently evil.
I need to get a life.
Did editing today, came back at 8pm after eating the world's most disgusting chocolate. I have no life *chants* I have no life I have no life I have no life...
You wanna know why? *giggles*
Because I gave it away.
Okay. Whatever. I love you stop acting like that and good night.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:08 p.m.+
And then there were STUFF!
Listening to: Filth.
Sometimes I think I basically only have two emotions.
Guilt and Insecurity.
Honestly if I ever die, I'll wonder which was the cause.
*mumbles* I wanna kick something hopefully alive.
Let's see...Today I had nothing to be sad about, plenty to be happy about, especially since the whole affair was cleared up.
I just get this sick sick sick sick feeling though.
Sick.
I'm scared.
Really really scared. OK. Constant reassurance. I still feel...I don't know........How do I know if someone is telling the truth? OK. Don't think.
My thoughts are being skewered.
Anyhow, S-teki chapter 2. Oh yeah, it's now 21 chapters, significance is inside the notes at the bottom of page.
[S-teki]: Karei
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:45 p.m.+
S-teki
Listening to: Saku/ Filth
Yay~ S-Teki has been given a green light! Congrats to all and don't laugh or I will kill you! May all of us have bad endings!
S-teki: Keigan
Reminder: No story has a happy ending :p Enjoy it while it lasts.
PS. Keigan means "See" or "Eyes"
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:48 p.m.+
+tsu waited for you at +
+tsu waited for you at +
Passages of Serendipity
Listening to: Kyo speaking Engrish and Kao singing in the background *giggle*
Um. Strange morning. Woke up feeling dead tired, so bad I skipped antiboitics because I don't like it but I packed it into my bag anyway.
Morning sucked, I really didn't want to go to school and wanted to plead sick but my instinct told me to anyway. Besides, I had things to do and I promised to go out with Auddy (at least I asked her on MSN...hey! I honour my promises).
Ummmm...Truth or lie?
Anyhow, Auddy was still pissed at me *sighs* I couldn't tell whether she wanted to kill me or Praying Mantis. Felt kinda sad.......really: understatment. I felt terrible because I didn't what to do or what to say because everything seemed to piss her off and the more I seemed to try to care, the more she backed off. So okay, I gave her some peace.
Which resulted in ugly tension this morning.
At the end of mass or something she just dashed off and went somewhere. Then I got really really scared. I started counting time, and by 5 mins, I started panicking.
Um...you know I'm a born-panicker.
Anyhow, I dashed off to the toilets to look for her and call for her. I was really terrified that she did something dumb because she took that penknife with her. My imagination filled the rest of the blanks. Half the people I met along thought I was crazy because I kept on yelling for her.
By that time, instinct gave way to pure panic. PURE. I ran to Mrs Alex, told her that Auddy had disappeared and asked for permission to look for her. Mrs Alex problably caught some of it too and she was trying to stop me from hyperventaliting in fear and all. Anyhow, I dashed off.
The searched the whole school, every floor, every toilet, every level. TWICE.
When I reached the classroom I saw her bag and grabbed it.
Reasoning is simple. She doesn't change her bag. Even when she goes out, even when it's half-day, even when there's nothing much to bring, she carries that bag. Inference: She likes it alot therefore if I take it, she'll have to look for me to get it back.
Brilliant right?
Too bad it didn't make me feel any better.
Ran back, reported the news and the teachers asked me to sit down and enjoy the bloody concert. Honestly, I couldn't cared less if I missed the damn thing. They told me she -was- in the crowd, there's no way for me to find her cos blah blah too many people and blah blah they rearranged everyone and blah in a chaotic mess.
Anyway, there's no point for them to argue with a stubborn donkey like me. If I want something bad enough, I'll do my best or die trying. Besides, I couldn't concentrate on the concert long enough.
So I scanned the crowd...like umm...sixteen? seventeen? times.
Found her.
Relief.
Actually, I was so happy she was alive I couldn't cared less if she was pissed at me.
Um. Nice mood ended shortly in class. *sighs* I sort of expected/accepted it already. I wasn't expecting her to open her arms and say hi. *shrugs* With Auddy, everything is about waiting but don't wait too long cos she'll start having queer ideas that you hate her or something.
So okay, I gave her some space.
And resigned myself to killing 8 hours wandering about aimlessly.
Met Vanessa and chatted awhile. She was going Kinokuniya, and I was going to Redhill MRT station to repair my Nikon camera.
Then my gut feeling kicked in.
I didn't know how I did it, but for a split second I knew, I -KNEW- as much as I knew myself that Auddy was sitting in the bustop. Waiting.
It's like looking into a foggy picture with only a single, blinding focus.
I knew also if I were to go Redhill, all this tension and ugliness would never resolve itself but there was a risk that Auddy just wanted to be alone and all and she'll hate me for uhhh...unintentionally following her.
Met her at the bustop, got really really really sick. I wasn't really angry, I was just hurt. Plain and simple. How would you like if every single offer was met by rejection? That stung, and didn't help my self-esteem either.
Decided NOT to go Orchard *too painful*
So I took 132.
Halfway through the journey I must have started dreaming or something because when it came to my stop, I missed it. And ended up ...
Standing infront of Far East Plaza in Orchard Rd.
I don't remember how I ended up there except that instinct told me it was for good reason and I should question it.
Righto.
So I went to the bookshop at the 5th floor in hopes of buying another cheap book. Hopes dashed. It wasn't open and the lady recommended another bookshop downstairs. I bought a book, The Beach by Alex Garland.
Then suddenly, that strange lady at the counter grabbed my wrist, pressed the change into my hands and said: "Don't give up."
Gape. Shock. Jaw-drop.
I thanked her and left.
Now, here's when it gets a bit messy. I left earlier than they did, and they only had 2 buses to take cos well, none of them have an exception sense of direction. Also, I knew more or less where they were going. More or less that is.
I started running.
It takes approximately 15 mins to reach Orchard by 167 or 162 and both buses come quite late. Mine took about...9 mins but I had dallied at the bookshops so I had to run if I were to catch them.
Then when I was running, I had another of those "flashes". This time, I knew exacatly where they were. EXCATLY. Which shelf, which part...etc.
I just managed it I think.
And when I saw her all I could manage was a lame "You're here."
*gapes at her own stupidity* It wasn't really my fault you see, I didn't well....imagine that premonitions were real. I mean, how can they? I wasn't doing much more than following what sounded like an anime style foolishness.
I didn't know how to react, it didn't help that she was being all icy and death-glaring me. Umm...note: Don't chanllenge her to death-glaring, she has it to a highly evalated art form.
So I ran and hid. Hid in the design and photography section because well, it was a pretty safe place and looking at beautiful meaningless things is comforting.
By that time, I was ready - willing, to give up.
Tsu's thinking: "fuck prophecy and destiny and karma."
Went to check some stationary, looked at some pencil leads, doodled some drawing with copics, browsed through the English section and finished a children's book. Freewill, I think. The title.
Inconsequential.
I was really, really thinking it was hopeless already.
Sure great, gimme premonitions like I'm some stalker. Fantastical, make me worry like shit. It's the Fuck ya Destiny! feeling.
So I went to order some Issa Kobayashi books, bleah. All out of print. Arragghhh...that means I'll have to deal with the rude, incompetent, annoying staff of Borders.
Just for kicks, I headed to the Astrology section.
After all, destiny and karma seems to be following me everywhere.
WHAM! BAM! ALAKAZAM! Guess who I saw there?
Auddy.
*doesn't know whether to thank Destiny or kick*
So I sat down tentatively, and picked out the first book that had a decent cover. Strange, it felt normal - it felt like something we always did. Soon there were giggles, then finally we were back to talking terms.
You know what? I can almost hear Karma laughing.
Bought food, went to the roof and took pictures....I love that place. I really do~ It's the most beautiful and wonderful place in the city to be. It's windy and airy, like the heavens and clouds have opened up just for you~
Took lots of pics.
Went to Auddy's grandma's house which was kinda neat, and nice to take pictures of too. It's a nice place and it has a comfortable aura about it, as if people inside weren't afraid of who they were or anything. Like being in a different place.
Her grandma wasn't in, so I entertained myself by taking pics of Auddy, testing the exposure functions ^^v I have some really neat pics but since I promised not to upload them I won't.
They're amazingly cute though xD ahahaha b.w shots!
Her family is nice. It's not very descriptive, but that's the best I can think of. Like umm...happy-ish in a normal, slighty wacky, family-comfortable-with-one-another way. If my cousins ever had the guts to act like that, I'll prolly die laughing.
Tsu's imagination:
Ting:...........Hello *soft dainty voice*
Yin: *make grunting noises* Uh. I want to plug my new toy. *pulls out gaming stuff*
Yuck.
Some people have no breeding, some people are well-bred but only in my family, people are over-bred.
*snorts in disgust* I'm not surprised if every single one of my relations (senior and otherwise) think I'm nothing better than a mongrel. Well, no matter, I don't fancy being a Pekinese anyway.
Ahhh...Strange, happily-ever-after day~
Love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:26 p.m.+
Kakusei
Kinda tired... Should have skipped school today, wasn't well anyhow. School passed like a dream, a hot summer heat induced dream of Math questions and mole equations. Slept through about 2/5 of the lessons (I kid you not) and dreamed and dreamed the other 3/5.
Kathleen was extremely freaked out though, apparently, my life expectancy rate is dropping like flies.
Skipped CLB, I had the worst headache ever. It was bright lights and glowing walls and ughhhhhhhh....It was like a sledgehammer, only worse because I couldn't find any medication to stop it. Went to the doctor and her diagnosis is that I'm suffered from bronchitis (yay?) and exam-induced stress/sickness.
*mumbles* Personally I think the whole reason is something else.
Anyhow, Auddy is pissed with me and I don't know why. Actually, I have a slight inkling on the -WHY- part but not so much on the how to solve it. *sighs* I'm beginning to wish that my life was much simpler and less complicated. Point being: Tsu = highly confused and annoyed.
Doesn't help that the people I think could help won't help/can't. Alex would understand and in fact, she's problably does it too. Ahh...people of the same kind. Bunny (hmph) problably knows or suspects, but I will NEVER EVER allow her to do anything. EVER. Last resort would be uhh.. Kyou or Kakyounin. Both would be equally useless in terms of giving advice.
Can you imagine? I can.-_____-
*battles evil self*
My mom is overseas in Laos during volunteer work, so it's quiet round here. Strange to be alone. Usually I'm always with someone, and now the bed it too large, the blanket is too hot and well, life sucks.
Tomorrow is a half day and I'm pretty glad for a break. Glad = mild, estatic is more like it. Wearing red~ I'll go repair my camera, go out and take some pictures to feel better I guess. Have to sign up Kinokuniya's club and order Issa Kobayashi's haikus. ^^ I like poetry ne~ It's soothing and it helps make a little sense out of this senselessness.
Okay so now I need to find a repair shop.
So I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, if anything, I should learn to ummm....be less dependant on others.
Love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:46 p.m.+
Risukutto
Listening to: Keane.
Long day. Really long.
Class sucked. Felt really bad for Kathleen, but I couldn't do anything. Too much energy I think, or just plain restlessness because now I have no where to kill energy to. Sang Filth to myself, freaked Kathleen out with my morbidity but that's it.
Literature was scary, it feels like a Soviet style firing squad sometimes. Like, now. She just walked into class and started "shooting" people for underperforming. I don't know...it just sucked. It didn't help that she was yelling at us and it was the fifth time in this week that a teacher yelled at us. Yes, I know we have O levels and you're worried that we won't do well and don't worry cos I'm shaking in my pants too.
Science Pratical was okay, Mr Chan was being an ass and he said that my graph wasn't -pretty- enough. WTF? How can a graph be pretty??? Yesh, it's curvy but you're not supposed to be a perv to -my- graph and say it's not pretty. Tactless, you know.
Then I ranted a bit about Auddy.
Bingo. *kills other self*
DIE!
I'm really tired I guess, and I'm not fantastically happy with myself. It's like being two people at once, on one hand I need to please the people I know, and the preconceptions that they have, on the other I really do hate certain parts of myself, all of which are utterly embarrassing and as far as I know, no one knows of its ugly existance.
Right, enough confessing because I don't want to anyway.
Went for Arts Alive after feeling pissed for no reason. Yare yare, I'm human okay? Yare yare..what's wrong with me? It makes a little sense I suppose, because the more you like the more you take back right? Anyhow, no point justifying it because in the first place IT SHOULDN'T BE HERE! *kill*
*mumbles* And I thought I got over it year ago.
Not supposed to care for people who don't care anyhow. Self-survival skill. REMEMBER!!!
Stupid me...
Held elections and I'm finally no longer Vice President of Arts Alive. It was kinda saddening.....Actually, I was going to cry infront of everyone but managed to stop myself. You know.....It's so strange. I never expected to be like this. I thought it would be a be there and get over it thing but it wasn't - isn't. After all the earlier troubles, then the 3 different commitees, then all those days staying back to plan and work and plan and plan and plan...
It just felt like a -loss-
A part of my life over.
I learnt so much, how far I could push myself to be more self-disciplined, how to work together with a team instead of being individualistic and maybe...I learnt that I could contribute to society instead of being so self-destructive all the time.
It's so weird to leave....
I'm happy with the new commitee though ^^ Ganbatte!
Walked to the bustop, met Auddy. Mixed feelings-ish. Nice to know that she umm...cares? Actually I have no idea. Nice to know that she isn't mad at me or anything. Not nice is that she's now dangerous. Knows too much. Ummm....Yea. And you know what happens to people whom I think knows too much.
I'm paranoid.....
I guess.
It's hard for me to balance being able to trust someone and trying to fight the basic instinct that "everyone hates me" mentality and therefore the need to pretend, pretend, pretend. Even though I really like Auddy, umm.......part of me is ummmmm...insecure/worrying/paranoid/suspicious you get the drift. It doesn't help that I have this weird inferiority complex that I've been fighting since sec 2.
Not good to know me huh?
Anyhow, I'm really tired now~ I just wish that I could run away sometimes. Not physically, but just away from everyone I know.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:18 p.m.+
S teki
Listening to: Morning Musume
If you really want to know what I have been up to...
----Excrept from essay Filth:
In the use of "S-teki", the diction in "teki" conveys the themes of the song. "Teki" is usually referred to as an enemy, or as a rival. "S", is clear in stating the use of Sadism and Masohism in the song. However, "teki" is also used as a colloquial slang for "beefsteak" or "meat". Therefore, "S-teki" would be "Sadistic enemy who treats people like meat."
Thus, it emphasises on the decay of society.
--------------------------
I think I'm either really bored or just plain crazy or all three.
School sucked, came up with a new and elegantly insulting name for Praying Mantis which will now known as Tonrou. Got a little crazy halfway and started twisting my hands and everything, -ishy-. Got songs stuck in my head, and yurameki hit harder than a block today.
AHAHAHA I CAME UP WITH A CRAZY PLOT!
Dunno....-saku- blended with Filth and then somehow the drums and guitar and vocals merged and pics started coming out...then I woke up. It's a pretty cool plot, by my standards at least, and it's about identity theft. Funky eh? I'm sick of writing about necrophilia anyway.
So anyhow. Don't expect anything, lol. Sometimes I just don't feel like writing it, and I'll end up telling the story by speaking it instead or I'll lose interest. Title tentatively called: S-TEKI!
SILENCE. *looks around*...hai?...*slunks off*
Bought Blue Jeans today, and I'm offically addicted. ^___________^ It smells great!!!!! Must indoctrinate my favorite Nekoichi tomorrow. Did rubbishy stuff, had Chinese tuition and all.
It's strange but I really want to write S-teki.
Umm...it's 2 girls though. *sighs* Yare yare, I know I need a boy/girl pairing but it doesn't suit the story. It's "platonic wo haijimemashou". Not close enough. Besides, it's my sincere belief that girls are scarier than guys with the exception of Kyo.
Anyhoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Stuff I need to write:
Diffidere #2 - really sorry about that.
S-teki: Kaigen - must write...*mumbles* btw. Kaigen= eyes not Kigan you twits.
Kaoru x Kyo I owe Audy [what reason again?]
Okay. Umnnn...when am I free?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:26 p.m.+
[Mushi]: Saliva of the pray mantis and death of ants
Listening to: *rolls eyes in digust* Saku.
Ugh. Pshaw. *mumbles* The day started pretty well, I liked most of the classes managed to skip part of Chemistrty ^^ Yay~ English was okay, but I have a bone to pick with Mrs Alex. A very BIG bone. *frowns in irritation*
Everything was pretty fine ^^
Until the praying mantis [tonrou,not kamakiri] came.
Praying mantis hands folded across the dulled chest.
Awaiting, hunting, a quiet in slience.
A hunter spring coiled.
Death.
Squashed the ants, a lesson for all.
She couldn't find anyone else to blame so she blamed us and split us up.
I swore I wouldn't cause trouble like the last time.
Guess what?
It started raining ........I couldn't cared less. I was so stricken and ran away hiding. It was heart breaking and I didn't even know why I was so sad, it was tearing and I started to cry. Crying for what you ask? I don't know. All I know is that I love Auddy, (geez I'm an idiot) but not in any romantic sense. I mean I love her in a simple sort of way, affection or what nots. I didn't know it was that strong that's all. I started crying and crying and I couldn't stop it was heart tearing and so painful...being stabbed a dozen times.
And then I started singing to myself but I barely got past 2 words when I started crying again. I only left when I could sing the full line.
No point blogging something that people cannot feel when I write it down.
Went to the IJ Home and met Aunty Grace. Relief! I like her certainly, and she's a lovely person. Anyhow...walked back to the bustop and took 855 home.
I'll tell you something interesting tomorrow but not now.
love,
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:53 p.m.+
Tsuki no Uta/ Tsuki no Yoru
Listening to: Hotarubi
Great day~ I found the most beautiful secret place with skylights and air and sky dreams all floating ^^ So beautiful, for a second I thought I was dreaming~ Concrete dreams in the grey sky~ So happy to find it.
Watched The Return, Natz and Auddy was a bit creeped, but I liked it alot. I don't know...but I do feel like I can identify with the situation. Especially Vanya's/Ivan's. There was a time I wanted to yell and say that too. "I could have loved you like a father if only you weren't so evil!"
That struck me.
I still feel that way too. Inside my mind maybe, I've erased every single memorary of him or whatever he is or did. If he has a slightest redeeming factor I don't know because I don't want to see it, I don't need to know. All I can do is hate you until you die.
The end.
Then Natz had to leave for tuition so Audy and I went to HMV to look at stuff. Nothing much, just wandered about. We wandered up to Taka too, and ate mochi ^^v AZUKI! God, I'm never going to understand why people eat it with soy sauce. It's just weird to. Anyhow, it tasted great~
Walked to Tangs', Audy bought some sugar wagashi, the type Very Expensive Japanese Stores carry. Ate some Rum and Rasin ice cream, but not enough rum -_____- Walked around a bit and then somehow or other ended at Paragon looking at art galleries.
Then we found this beautiful place~ (and I'm not going to reveal anymore)
Like a secret garden~ only made of stone and sky.
Went home with lots of yurameki (and a need for a camera) Pretty happy and started writing a fic~
I was really happy with it, and I got really pissed with some people and their rude comments. warning: read this only if you want to understand the -point- of it and not for sex. If you want a PWP, go look for porn and not me.
Pity being that I actually liked this story more than any other.
Fic link: Blue Jeans/[Sugata]
Oh, it has two names by the way. The pairing is pretty obvious for me, but if you're unsure it's Shinya x Kyo. Don't let that deter you, it's a good fic. I swear.
So now my perfect mood is broken, made even worse by the fact that I'm totally disillusioned with DeG's new Saku PV. It's not good anymore, Kyo is just being rubbishy. I think I'll only listen to stuff from Kisou albumn and below. I don't like them anymore because now instead of helping people they're using people for money.
That's not right. They have no right to speak lightly of suffering.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:58 p.m.+
Blue Jeans Quest
Listening to: Umbrella and Hotarubi
I'm getting obessesive.
*sniffs* Waaaa~ *sniffs again* Waaaaahhh!
After I found out Kyo uses Versace's Blue Jeans colonge, I just HAD to find it. No I'm not a Kyo fangirl. I'm just really really curious (and stubborn too). So anyhow, went to Taka basement 1 to look for it, but they didn't carry any~ The lady said I should try Wisma Atria's lobby.
Taka-----tsu+audy---> Wisma
The lobby didn't have, but I remembered that Wisma's first floor carried SaSa which is those miniuture perfume stock-shops. They had it, but there wasn't a tester so I couldn't smell it! Arraghhh! It was in plastic! I was almost going to spend $10.50 on buying it....-____-;;;
Just to satisfy my insane curiousity.
Anyhow the lady recommended trying Tang's Metro. By that time it was kinda late so we walked to the MRT station.
Wisma---tsu+audy--> MRT ------->Tangs
We stopped at the MRT, cos we didn't know whether or not to continue. We did in the end! ^^v Pretty long walk, and Audy couldn't remember where she was for a while.
Then Tangs said they didn't have it either.
-_______________________-''''''''''''''''''
Until she recommended us to go Lucky Plaza~
Unfortunately, Audy was getting tired (and prolly bored) with all my useless/futile searching. So I promised her to write a Shinya x Kyo in return for going with me to Lucky Plaza ^^v Fair deal, I think~
AND SO WE FINALLY FOUND IT~
And it smells so fantastical and so nice~ like washed demein and clean colonge and sort fo simple and very nice. Citrusy, clean and woody with a light hint of musk. Smells like how a guy (clean, showered and neat) would smell.
Arraghh, so now I'm obessesed with it!
--------------
Had Math/Physics test and the day didn't really start well despite it ending well (read above). Ughhhhh....Too much Math...*falls over and dies*
Got quite pissed in class..*mumble* I think they went a little too far ne~
Anyhow, the test was okay. The last question was a killer though, ARRGHHH I HATE THE SNAKES AND LADDERS QUESTION! Okay, my problability was screwed...T_T And I was hoping to do well in this test too!
Taka was okay. Dunno what's with me lately, but I have this huge craving for milk so I bought myself 1 litre of it. One HUMONGOUS litre of it and drank it all up. I think I'm turning neko or something. It tastes so good! Bought some mochi and introduced Audy to the heady addiction of eating Very Expensive Japanese Desserts eg. wagashi. It's just good damnit~ But I like the weekend mochi best~ Must buy tomorro ^^v
Adzuki dango here I come! *prepares cash*
After that, we hopped to HMV, saw -saku- single and nearly puked. IT LOOKS BAD!!! VERY VERY BAD! I was going to buy it but now I'm not because it'll look ugly against my CD shelf... Yeah, sue me for being superfical. Went to Mise Xclusive and Audy got me a Kaoru~ <3 <3 <3 SANKYUUU~
Tomorrow I'm watching The Return with Natz and Audy so it'll be nice ^^ Hope she doesn't get lost though~ Mostly I just want to buy Adzuki dango without my mom saying I'm wasting cash again...
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:08 p.m.+
1-2-3 Tango
Listening to: Brise and Merry~!
I love Brise, problably the ONLY Malice Mizer song I can appreciate~ Damn I love Merry~ Makes me want to jump up and sing and dance and prance around half naked with a fake mircophone in my hand.
I've having fun amusing myself on MSN with Kyoru.
Haiz KYORU-SAMA! *blows kiss*
Anyhow, school was weird. The weather seemed to be cold, and the sunlight chilly despite the bright yellow. It's the kind of weird. Got called guillble by Auddy, and violent and absuive~ I'M NOT THAT OKAY? *pouts*
Feel like dancing~
Class was okay, went through it. Was really sick in the morning though, but don't tell anyone. Can't afford to skip school...Even Mrs Tan, the Annoying Bug of the Century said I looked pale and sick. Sheesh. Anyhow, managed to catch a few seconds of sleep, then agrued my arse off during the class. I just realized making me sick doesn't make me any less stubborn or any less stupid. So I was coughing and coughing while agruing my point. LOL. Fight to the death!
It worked so well I managed to corner her. Ahaha.
And Li Cheng wants to learn onmyoujitsu from me. Kinda late don't you think? Too learn I mean.
Strange day. LOL.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:40 p.m.+
Crankerterous
Listening to: Brise.
I'm crankily happy. It's an oxymoron because I have all right to be cranky but I'm happy instead cos I'm listening to motorcyles driving to 7/11 at night in the rain.
Just kidding.
Well, actually that's how Tasogare Restaurent sounds like to me.
Yeah, I know I'm Pathetic.
School was okay, cranky and still dazed in the morning. Doped myself crazy with music yesterday you see, better to get rid of it before leaving it to fester with Bad Consequences (read: nightmares and stuff). Didn't sleep much either cos stoning/driving yourself hallucinarically with music makes you too zonked to sleep.
Ceilings are nice. And so are light rays from HDB flats.
Went to school as conciously as possible while trying to well, stay on earth. Was really bad during the first few lessons cos I was still stuck in After Effects and didn't pay attention to anything except the stuff in my head. Stuff like blue feathers and black velvet on night sky. The workd.
My Literature test was HORRIBLE. Terrifying. Insanely terrifying. I ran out of time (again) and I really have to pray hard. Yessshhhh...I do hope I pass, I like Secret Sharer quite alot.
The whole dual personality thing......
I wonder what will happen when one persona is jealous of the other?
What will happen?
It's like pitting tsu-person against tsubaki-person.
Woke up a little, with more energy than before. I always feel like that after a stoning session ^^ It's relief~ Like a load lifting off your back cos you know for the next few precious hours you'll be perfectly -blank- no dreaming, no music, no rubbish stuck in your head like pesky metaphors.
Science Pratical test was thankfully quite easy. Substances were copper carbonate and sodium chloride, methinks. Titration was pretty okay too ^^ Lovely orange-y colours. I knew I did right cos I double-tested the substances using litmus paper. Yay~ Hopefully she won't deduct marks for improper spelling.
Settled the last details for Arts Alive. I'm sort of relieved that I'm stepping down...It's alot of work, a lot of pain and almost -too- much responsibility for me. I'm little sad too, I'll miss everyone~ So it wasn't perfect, but I think.....It was as perfect as it could have been. As perfect as imperfect life can be.
And I'll never forget water.
Remember? We had this weird association with water. Raining during banner painting, the smell of grass and wind and salty scents. Then we pulled it in and watched the yellow-grey sky pour down in a thump thump thump of raindrops. Then we walked down from the slope and started a puddle fight halfway and ended up so soaked cos Rose forgot her umbrella. Then going to Sak's house and the night lying down listening to Jewel and just talking.
I'll never forget that.
Kinda weird day though~
Okay so went home at 7-ish cos the meeting was so darn long but at least we FINALLY! came upon a committee for next year. Ugh. Work. *rolls eyes in disgust* Watched some movie called Mean Girls. It was funny at first, but after a while, it was just -bad-. They were so nasty to one another it wasn't even WORTH watching. Listening to them talk made my head hurt, no worse, it made me want to take a knife and stab them.
Funny fact: Auddy doesn't like Hotarubi (song).
I also know that Nekoichi doesn't like Hotarubi, neither does my sister. Am I the only one who doesn't get creeped out by it? I mean, they know it's musically a nice song but they say it's scary. Well, it's a leetle scary at first, then after hitting repeat one more time, I found the tune stuck.
It's a very un-Dir en Grey song.
It's also one of my favourites.
It's like a song which I can actually hear myself sing, not like a song that I would like to sing but a song I could problably understand as much as personality. Like, uhh..depth Yeah. All this doesn't really make sense but I just wanted to try and explain to myself.
It's more than just melancholic, it's a type of -sadness-, the quiet hurt of a lost dream that presses you down so sliently you can't even scream.
Which is why I like Shinya a lot.
I dunno, it's not physical attraction or even attraction at all but more like a recognition from one person to another that he/she might actually be like me. Kindred souls, if you get my drift. Like the way Auddy or my sis understands what I say without too much explainations.
Basically, that's all I feel. Like someone I could really be friends with.
Strange wind........
Feeling quite contented now, until the next cycle comes again~ It's a nice feeling to feel happily insane and contented. Almost like getting drunk on the colour white.
Love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:45 p.m.+
Queer as Feelings in Folk
Listening to: Melon Kinebi-Namida no Taiyou and Hotaru-Kaijin ni-suu mensou
Nam myoho renge kyo
Hello. I'm completely lost.
I can't seem to find myself.
When I contemplate upon the lotus, I can't see anything because I walked past it.
And I'm really quite lost without the lotus as a guide.
--------------
Something bad is going to happen. It's itching my skin like a mosquito, and well, it's happened before. It's like scarlet butterflies fluttering in your stomach and the scent of rain before the onset of storm. And it's times like this, I wish that I had something to hold on to.
Inner peace, or whatever you want to call it. Stability.
I swear some people have no idea how important it is to know yourself, instead of following the tune all the time.
I mean, I know I'm not crazy. I just can't help but see things and I don't even need to close my eyes to do it because it's already there and all I need is to just brush away the cobwebs covering the mirror and see....
-don't open the window by the candlelight
-don't look behind you
-don't look at all
Creepy feeling whenever I do this. I know it's good for me because it's an oulet for all The Leftover Yurameki thus the Only Way to Stay Sane. I don't like the process anyhow. It scares me, even after so long of doing it it scares me cos I'm actually really chicken and I'm frightened of everything because I really have to guts.
It's hard not to hear -them- when I do it. Whatever you want to call them, oh my god I hate them so much. Hate = mild. Loathe, digust, fear...everything at once. You can almost hear them in your ear like scrawly things and stracthing sounds or what nots and I really don't like it why in the world am I doing this anyway? I never asked for this I don't really care just please stop.
Count to 10.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
Unfortunately I have no idea how other people cope with it. The only other person I know has dropped and said I quit so I don't have much to work on besides myself.
//skin crawling stratch out the surface of the epidmeris// The soar of the strings that breaks the tendons of the heart// bursting the valves in blood and spurt blood// silk wet silk on wet skin of wet blood// tear out rip out just pull out throbbing muscle in cold white hands// stare in shock// white faces and opened eyes//
Sometimes I wish I was typical.
But I'm not.
There's no way round it.
It's an either or.
Ripen fruit glowing red crystals in deaden acacia.
Okay. Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.Stop. Stop.
I SAID ENOUGH ALREADY!
One day........one day I'll find the lotus! I swear!
But for now...
Gomenasai
highly distrubed tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:44 p.m.+
Phweet~ and Sufi rant
Listening to: some weird English song with Filth playing in my head.
Skipped tuition, I have a feeling the fudge and chendol mixture isn't the healthiest thing on the planet. Or the safest.
Watched Iron Chef, which is turning out to be one of my *favourite* TV programmes. ^________^ I like cooking! Especially for a good cause~ and what better cause than to improve the civilized nature of such unrefined humans and evalating the primal nature of eating into a grastronomical art? *giggles* That sounds amazingly pompous. Anyhow, learnt some more cooking skills and different ways of using pigs' bladder. I like Christmas food anyhow and Morimoto is *quite* fun to watch.
Skipped early dinner and went to sleep instead. Today's A Math test was HORRIFYING. I thought I was going to die because out of 10! measly questions I did only 3. The first 4 were matrixes and I simply cannot, cannot remember how to inverse a bloody matrix. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why bother to do so much multiplying when there's an easier way?
Utterly inane.
Woke up about 8.30pm and had a sort-of dinner and tea. That stuff I ate was problably poisonous. Mmmnn...Peppermint tea is good for you~ Finished a two-page essay on How Useless Nicholas II, Tsar of Russia was and Debated/Weighed on Which Points Made Him Stupidest. So bad! I know I'm being mean but when I start looking through a theasarus for different words on "incompetence" you know he's a loser.
Helped my sister with her assignment on products. It's her English project to come up with an advertisment to sell a product. She made it harder for herself by choosing perfume as a product though, not that I'll tell her. It's always easier to sell a nesscity or a luxury item than a mid-range one.
Anyhow, for you marketing aficiondos, it's basically the same concept marketing for BodyShop. Coperate Identity that focusses on enviromental benefits and nature + surroundings combined with organic and chemical free compounds. Easy sell actually, but then we hit another glitch cos the theme was -butterflies-. It's kinda hard because I know some people who are scared of butterflies, and it appeals to a smaller audience rather than say, dolphins.
School was okay. Watched a dumb film, fell asleep and nibbled on Auddy's ear. Her ear tastes different from her knuckle which tastes different from her neck. *shrugs* Do I sound like a pervert? I'm just curious that's all. Inborn, I suppose. Did a little E Math, which was quite fun since it's all my favourite topics. Statistics! Culuminative Frequency! YESSSSSSS!!!!!! xD xD Fantastical. I can pass~
Reading a little of Sufism, and I like it. It's unusual that I actually -like- religions but this one is special. Firstly, it's heteradox, the opposite of orthadox and it's a mystical branch of Islamism. Secondly, the rituals are based on music, dancing and flowers. These dervishes, as they are called, get into holy trances with drums! music! flutes! and dancing! They don't pray to God directly either, they pray through the saints or something, as an intermission.
What I like best of all is the concept. The cornerstone of Sufi ideology is Love. That means they have an amazingly high tolerance to other religions because well, everyone has the capacity to love and therefore, since Sufism IS love, that means that you literally love everyone no matter whether they are homosexuals, women, different religions or races. It's a very kind religion I think.
It's also quite cool that they believe in paradiase. Not your usual paradiase with fat cherubs and miniscule wings. According to their beliefs, paradiase is found WITHIN you. It's kinda true, since your life is what you make of it.
It's quite interesting and it's nice too.
I know I sound horribly romantic and a fool, but I like it. Even if world is ever like that.
Okay, have to go~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:46 p.m.+
AHHHH!
OMG WHAT AM I DOING AT 2 AM IN THE MORNING!?!?! *gets hit* I woke up suddenly after dreaming this. So freaky...While I was typing it was almost like someone was watching...AHHH! 2 AM FICS! *kills*
Have fun.
------------------------
Dream of White Nothing
-------------------------
Staring out of the window, frost covered and cold. Flakes of snow falling, tiny icicles of flowers and tears, collasping to their death on the streets, melted. My breath forms a warm ghost on the clod glass, hands tingling as I press my cheeks and hands against it. Cold.
A deep drawn breath. ahh....... The sound of the living.
Velvet rubs against the naked skin of my leg,as I kneel before the window and watch the world pass by. My whole life, the breath of it, all lost in this dream of white nothingness where everything is where it should be, cocooned in the sanity of my own home, this home of delusional thought as a protection against the madness of the outside. Nothing moving, nothing changing, the beauty of being unborned.
Yes. That is what I was.
I was unfettered, untouched, totally free. Safe from reality in this dreamworld of mine, how do I wake from my embryo of silken softeness, filled with beautiful snow? The frost changes now, cyan ice stars falling down, never melting, hovering just above the concrete in suspended animation. Frozen water on frozen air in a frozen world.
Ahhh A deep breath, intake of sharpness. The flakes crash and melt. Moved.
My fingers stretch through the glass, into the white soft world, and pick up the water. Swirling colours of green and rainbow and blue, melting and reforming, plusing with new life as the water turns to the frozen flowers it was once.
Ahhh A breath of life for them, I smile as they fly back into the sky.
The scene shifts, snowy people dressed immaculately in white, smiles lighted up on their ice cold faces and blue skin, blue fire in the heart as they reach out for me, grasping and pulling me into their world of greys and whites. Beauty of nothingness. Trees, stark white against the colourless sky, white flowers swaying mellow in open fields of white. Like a pencil drawing on paper, the different shades of white, outlined with the merest of black.
Ahhh An intake of fresh cold air, my world.
I hear them calling behind me..
Calling me from this world of eternal whiteness and eternal snow.
This frozen world of mine that will never be tainted by the heat of reality.
The heat of humanity.
Miss! Miss! It's dinner now, have some dinner!
A voice dimly calls me, but I ignore it. A breeze catches my hair as I sit in the white fields, enjoying the beauty. The scent of emptiness and purity, a medow filled with white flowers.
Has she gone into those spells again?
How would I know? I hate this!
You wanted to be a nurse, remember?
But not in a mental hospital! Especially for schizophrenics like her!
Calm down...Just leave her, she would know...
And the voices recede in the distance.
The whiteness of my world, a cocoon spun so deeply in the mind that no one can break me free from it, it is my paradiase, an embryo uncoloured by humanity, an embryo filled with the potential to be alive, so softly it lays, still in my head. It forms and throbs, pulsating with life, filled with white people and white flowers. A frozen world. A void. The very emptiness that fills slowly but surely, until the seed of the embryo, a white seed, throbs with energy until it is.....
birthed?
I pluck a leaf of grass, watching it fly into the colourless sky. Ahhh A breath for fresh air.
I will wait.
Until then, I hold the embryo in my hands.
"Miss?" The nurse asks pleadingly. "Would you like a walk outside? It's a fine summer morning today!" She smiles brightly. No response. The patient never does. "Miss?" She looks hopefully again. Sometimes, you should ask twice, you never know what -they- want. No response. Then suddenly, a smile lights on the patient's face. The first time in weeks. "Let's go for walkies huh?" And the nurse wheels her outside.
---------------END---
+tsu waited for you at 2:28 a.m.+
Sugata
Listening to: 24ko Cylinder.
Writer's block. Writer's block. WHY WHY WHY!? *kicks up a fuss* C'MON AND HURRY UP SCREW!
*grumbles*
Went shopping today, skipped A Math cos well, it was raining and I was sleepy and I wanted to be slacker just today. Sent sis to the haircutting store and then went shopping with mom.
UGH THE CLOTHES WERE SO BAD.
I couldn't find anything interesting, so that firmed my resolve to go Tailor Fuu's Skirt. It's actually a chara drawn by Auddy but I liked his skirt. So I modified a little of it, and I'm buying the cloth on Tuesday. No I'm not crazy. Yet. xD xD
Bought another skirt anyhow, it's quite short and cute looking, lol. Had lunch, bought another storybook and went home to read it. It's called Veronika Decides to Die. Great book ^_______________^ Auddy will like it methinks.
Now I smell like blueberry again~~
Bought some more soap, I was going to buy Shinya's stuff but my fingers automatically headed for blueberry shampoo. Habit? I guess so. It seems that everytime I find someone I like or do something, I become permanently fascinated.
Instance:
leXis - blueberry shampoo- forever associated with wet rain, clammy hands and a kiss on the cheek in the MRT station
Running away - Lux soap - smell of aloneness, freedom and a tiny bit of sadness, yellow bathroom, dirt on the floor and wind.
Happiness - skirts - swirling around in a dress and staring at the mirror, then they said how pretty I was. White changing rooms, chatter, funny floaty feelings and flowers.
So many things I learned..............
Funny right? How you acquire new habits.
Like preferring Ice Lemon Tea to coke.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:45 p.m.+
Mien Kamupf
Listening to: Hellsing and Kisou albumn
Do you like the layout? Hotarubi is one of my fave songs ^^ It has my name (in chinese) in it!~ The word "sugata" (kranji) is the same as "tsu" in chinese and it means "blooming" or "most beautiful state/ at it's peak". LOL, the chinese meaning is the same. It means "beauty in every form. Cool na? Plus it's my first decent Kyo layout aka Not Making Fun of Him.
Lots of things happening, anyhow, I'll try my best to arrange it. Patience okay?
Let's see...
Wednesday
Wednesday was okay, we had a lousy Physics pratical though -__________- Mr Chan was being EVIL. Went to Orchard after that to look for Saku and post the letter to Lavender no Heya ^^ Buy Dir en Grey CDs! Anyhow, I should be getting it in 4 weeks time. She lives all the way in Kedah~ -_____- So long.
Went home, watched Iron Chef and then...big thing.
During dinner, my brother blew up, mom got pissed and then I got pissed so I sulked and thought and sulked and thought and then I decoded that this has really got to stop.
Come on, resolve this once and for all.
So then, I decided I wanted to run away. But legitimate running away.
My aim:
Provide space for them to think objectively, because they tend to be overly emotional, reacting to the situation instead of thinking rationally.
So I decided to get away and let them think.
Friday
Gave my letter to my sis, and I kept a spare just in case. Planned planned planned. Oh my god, there were times I really wanted to give up, I just wanted to just go home and take a shower and all. But I had to do this, even if not for myself, then at least for the sake of them. It's like healing a wound you see, it hurts intially to lance the wound, but afterwards it heals all the better.
So I finished school, went for tuition and headed to place I was staying. I wasn't too worried, cos I've already informed the school where I was and in fact, they were the ones who recommended this place to me.
Even better, it was within walking distance to my tuition teacher's house.
The place was quiet, and I was the first person for their new programme so everything was really nice. Bed, table and attached toilet. Simple stuff. I was kinda happy with whatever I had anyway.
When they realized I left, all hell raised loose.
I expected this, and prepared myself for it. But nothing really says the experience. I almost- almost, gave in.
But I had a secret sharer who supported me, a secret sharer who said that what I was doing was right.
It's strange you know, we took a liking on to each other immediately. She liked to cook, I liked to cook, we both adored Chemistry and Literature (unusual combination) and yeah.......she did help me~ If only for a night.
A secret sharer for just a night.
So I firmed my resolve, because really, without suffering we will never learn. And this I hope, will finally do something to improve our relations with one another.
Woke up next day at 5.30am (god! so early!) and walked down with her down to the bustop and waved goodbye as I ran for the 166.
What can I say? I think it did good. I'll never be truly able to tell you how much courage I needed to do this, how apprehensive I was, the times I wanted to stop this. How I felt empty inside, the patterns on the walls. I can only tell you briefly maybe, but I don't know the words for it.
I think I learned something too.
I think everyone did. And I hope they will remember.
Friday
First, I want to Thank All my friends for their support. Thanks to Auddy, the only person who understands my soul~ Thanks to Sharon (even if you can't read this) because you made me see sense and stop being implusive. Thanks to Nekoichi, you offered to let me stay and cared. Thanks to Alex, sorry my handphone ran out of cash halfway!
School was okay, everything was the same. It's amusing to think that running away doesn't mean skipping school and delinquency. I'm not juvenile. Strange isn't it?
I still haven't sorted out it yet. Mixed feelings.
My greatest wish is for peace and quiet, inner harmony. I know there's no such thing as perfect, and I will never know whether what I did was right or wrong, because there isn't a right or a wrong, I just did what I thought was best and maybe.......even if I did wrong, I was true to myself.
Strange feelings.....Have I accidentally grown up?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:05 p.m.+
