data data data....
I think I solved how Jrock fashion came about.
Much like jrock, everyone rips off everyone.
It's something like....McLaren was the manager of Sex Pistols and married young schoolteacher Vivienne Westwood. Soon they bought a store called SEX and sold their clothes there. To get cheap advertisments, McLaren made The Sex Pistols wear their self-designed stuff as publicity.
Thus "punk fashion" was invented.
Why is Jrock wearing that?
This is when it gets complicated.
But involves much INorginality
The Sex Pistols, along with The Black Flag, The Ramones, Grateful Dead etc etc. Not only did they come up with a new kind of music (esp. The Black Flag) they invented a movement known as 80s'Glam/Anarchist rock which was wildly idolized. In Japan, Yoshiki started HIS imported version of this with the advent of X Japan. At the same time, Luna Sea, Penicillin attacked the airwaves with their big music and even bigger hair.
Note: Strangely enough, X Japan, Luna Sea, Penicillin all copied different aspects of the movement. X Japan focusing mostly on the New Wave-style, Luna Sea veering towards a more sexualized punk.
Almost makes you wonder if they organized it....
Simplified history
The Ramones/Grateful Dead/The Black Flag/Sex Pistols
80's Glam rock/Anarchist Punk movement
|
|
| (influencing)
|
X Japan, Luna Sea, Penicillin, Buck-Tick, Loudness
(old school j-rock)
|
|
| (influencing)
|
Dir en Grey, Pierrot, Malice Mizer, Glay...etc
|
|
| (influencing)
|
Merry, Kagerou, Gazette, Schulla, Rentrer en Soi
I wonder how the people at jrock forums will react when they find out that Visual Kei is nothing but repackaged?
*giggles*
You know what?
I don't think anyone bothers but I
Oh yeah, explaination on how glam rock influences Malice Mizer. At first this really puzzled me, because glam rock is basically the granfather of punk/death/new wave rock so how the hell does it tie with baroque stuff?
After much wiki-ing and researching...
1 word: revival
See...even though all the music was loosely categorized as rock, not all of them played the same rock or dressed the same way. Your typical Malice Mizer look is actually a derivative of the American New Wave movement, which is basically the same as the British Glam Rock, just that the Americans renamed it "New Wave."
If you want a big big umbrella for everything
All Jrock is Punk Rock.
*pauses*
I bet ya I'll get flamed by gazillions of people if I stuck this on ANY Jrock fandom. Any. Why? Because when people listen to jrock they want to think they're being special, an individual, part of a group and not just ripping off a trend that's as old as your grandmother.
^____________________________^
It's more amusing than anything else though.
PS. Audy, if you're doing research on graphic design try "Raymond Pettibon" :D Trust me. He rocks (though your teachers might disagree at his methods.)
love (data-happy)
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:22 a.m.+
Downloads and some stuff
Music downloads
Okay, some rules here. I'm not using YouSendIt, it's uploaded to Asterelle.net so please download one at a time. Next thing, it will only be up for about three days or so.
Anberlin - Symphony of Blase
Audy, you should recognize this song :P Kaoru played it before the "It Withers and Withers Tour" at the Tokyo Kokusei Forum concert and you can *balantly* tell that Kao is the biggest fanboy ever. It's like the way some people go to computer labs and dunk all their Dir en Grey songs into the iTunes folder in hopes that the next person will be converted to Dir en Grey
Except that this time it's Kao, and he's playing for a 3,000 person concert :P FANBOY!FANBOY! Anyway, it's one of their quieter songs. Lovely ballad, slightly cliched lyrics and guitars. Plus! Not-Whiny vocalist!
More info at Anberlin.com
--------------
Rentrer en Soi - Itsuwari no uzu
Indies rock that sound good. Very nice MaliceMizer-ish instrumentals, but less Gothic and more on the lines of baroque chamber music. Very precise sounding (as in melody), but the drumming sounds a little off. I dunno, sounds like military-band. Satsuki(vo) has an Isshi-esque voice. Not too bad, though the "teruuuuuuuuuuu" is irritating after continous playing.
I particulary like the lovely harp-chime sound.
Very pretty, very flowery, Alichino music
---------
Pierrot - Vanity Dance
Old old OLD Pierrot. How old is this? When Hideo was the vocalist and Dir en Grey haven't even formed yet. Back when Shinya was 16 and still playing in Siva. STILL no idea? Roughly....1994?
Anyway. It sounds better than Missa. MUCH better. Sounds a lot like Rasmus before they became big anyway. Ska-ish, Bollywood-ish and very very catchy. You might find yourself bopping your head in time with the beat. Strangely enough, it reminds me of Akazukin Cha Cha
Pierrot - God Bless XmeXXXX
No, Kirito wasn't trying to be pervy. "God Bless XmeXXXX" is actually "America" but apparently he recieved threats from various *coughGOVTcough* individuals telling him to shut up or die. (much better than Kyo right? :P) He's not stopping though, if you read through the lyrics of Smiley Skeleton, it's about devestation. However scary the lyrics are, you can't really tell from the amazingly catchy beat.
*biased*
I personally think when it comes to spreading the message, Kirito does a better job. They both have great lyrics, but Kirito has something that Kyo lacks: Accessibility. And he hasn't recieved any death threats yet. Which makes me wonder if Kyo is just doing it for play/dramatic reasons (all that "Prophet" rubbish) But when it comes down to it, Kirito's tunes are more radio-friendly, hell, they almost sound like pop.
But yet again....
The "beauty" of Dir en Grey just overshadows all
Sometimes I think Kyo is so frustrated because people keep on harping on their looks without concentrating on the music (which is why they've toned down a lot) I suppose that's when looks turn into a detriment rather than asset
Let me stress again: I am biased
It just irks me that Dir en Grey gets so much frontpage even though Kirito is just as talented or maybe even more than Kyo. Listen to Kyo's songwriting skills. It's not really great. It's repititive and has no structural body. Lyrics wise, Kyo just shoves his shit down your throat: "My Pain overreaches me, therefore I must die as slient scream, screams alone." Kirito: "The pain washes me as the setting sun dies, yet tell me the answer: must I live on? can I live on?"
Ambiguity is waaaaay more fun.
Though demons-wise, Kyo's are more terrifying
But Kirito's imagery is more beautiful
Okay. Shall stop comparing :D
love (enjoy!)
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:04 p.m.+
Naf naf. More music
Listening to my n00 dls
I think my sis will like the Maaya Sakamoto-Ongaku. It's Yoko Kanno anyway, but not my kind. Sort of like Ali Project-Waterdrop had a hit and miss affair with Rahxpheon and Noburo Umetsu. Rentrer en Soi isn't too bad actually.....What's the lead singer's name again? Satsuki I think. Kinda pretty in a Dir en Grey crossover Malice Mizer. The drumming reminds me of a military band though...It's not too bad. Like whiny!Isshi, a lot of "aaa" notes, esp. when he goes "kuuuuuuuuuuuuu" and he sounds like a dying cat.
The background/harp music is really pretty though
Sort of miniaturized chamber music
Like Alichino-style.
I actually like it O.O how cool is that? And I'm not fond of Indies junk either.
And they have a Kao-lookalike guitarist called Ryo!
How cool is that?!
And there's this distrubing pic of Satsuki in a suit with curls....like Kaoru with Mana curls. Don't believe me? See this:
HERE
--------------
I'm strangely addicted to Vanity Fair...which is old old Pierrot. No Kirito singing. It actually sounds good. *awed* The tune is catchy and makes you want to bop your head to the chorus. It has this strangely funky bollywood-ish. Like Beastie/Beach Boys gone Jrock. LOL. FUN!
...........Rentrer en Soi is addictive >___> Satsuki!!! Why are you so darn pretty!!!?? *gwaps*
It's makeup. I hope it is.
If not I'll drown myself for being an uglier looking female
Ahhhh.....it's so wrong! I feel like a lesbian..O.O
It's like the same effect when guys look like Mana I guess. Like "ewwww but omg he's so hot and has nice legs." Or Shinya. Who looks better with no makeup. O.O
Maybe I'll upload some mp3s when I have time. :P
Okay...enough random stuff :D
*randombouncingtsu*
^_____________________^
And I haven't even finished my homework ahahaha...
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:54 p.m.+
Scruples......what kind do you have?
Weird semi-snappy hide-induced Pyscene kind of mood combined with a little edgyness :D General all clear though~
Anyway a couple of days ago I watched Mr and Mrs Smith, which I obviously forgot to mention. Problably the Coldplay day ^^v Not a bad movie, great dialouge, enjoyed the carnage. Overall the acting was pretty slick, and the dialouge was witty. My only complaint is the directing and the camera. Like GET YOUR SHOTS RIGHT!!! If you're making a cool blockbuster style movie please at least edit your camera angles properly. No I can't really see what's going on when the screen in BLANK because of a gunshot...remember the 3 frames rule? Well. KEEP IT.
*huffy*
I think I'm so judgemental over this is cos of AA.
And after they taught/trained us in cinematography, I can't watch a movie without going "That was a really lovely top-angle establishing shot, with nice reflective views."
-_______________-;;;;;;
I feel so terrible and mean for being so horrible sometimes
But I'm usually okay cos I pick nice movies to watch
The worst movie EVER has to be that digusting HK flim about gangs with Andy Lau in it
My dad's choice, not mine >_____>
Like IT WAS TRYING TO BE ARTY!
And it managed the amazing feat of making me dislike it even more than being forced to watch Fuushigi Yuugi reruns
Blergh.
Anyway I'm broke :P
Technically I'm not, but I'm not touching my other $account
I'm not really broke either, because I haven't claimed my 0 (and counting) from the family fund. I'm poor because I can't bear the thought of asking for cash (my bro has no qalms though) and even though pride fills no belly, I just like -argh-can't-do-it! Yes I'm stupid. Yes I'm an idiot for not taking free money......but I feel like I'm selling my soul.....or my freedom
Not that I had much to start with because of them anyway.
Don't really feel like listening to DirenGrey or Yoko Kanno tonight. My tracklist is Paul Oakenfold and SADS-Kiyoharu. Is it me or does Kisou sound a LOT like SADS? Not the melody itself, but the singing style. I could swear that certain bits are almost complementary alike. In a good way. But I think when the push comes to the shove, I like Kiyoharu better than Kyo :P sorry Kyo ^^
He's just more consistently angsty rather than angry
I'm not so much angry as emooooooo!ish
So.
Kiyoharu is <3
And to end off all the names starting with K, Kirito is true <3.
Listening to random junk....O.O I didn't know I had Rentrer en Soi, I thought I deleted it. Cos I don't really like VK stuff. Not polished enough >.< There's a thin line between dirty rock and just plain 'asty...and Indie bands commonly cross the line. Like Merry. Why couldn't they keep on the quality in the production of Kohakuiro no Ballad? Or Tasugare Restaurent? Or evn Japanese Mordenist? It's just really inconsistent nyaaa~
On the other hand, old *old* Pierrot (back when Hideo was the vocalist and Kirito was on guitar) was worse. But not as bad as La:Sadies. La:Sadies is like BANG SLAM SQUEAK! with very sorry-looking lyrics. Don't believe me? Go read the lyrics for "Erode" which is Gackt-Gone-Wrong. He improved amazingly in Gauze (which makes me think that Yoshiki/Kiyoharu had a hand in it) It's almost unbelievable the lyrics quality from before, then after. Like WHAM BAM! effect.
I'm kinda sad that SADS is on hiatus....Masquerade is bloody good. And so is anything and EVERYTHING on Babylon. Imagine the emo-potency of Kisou, with a spicyish jagged feel that is quite raw but very very polished.
I think Kao is a better composer though
:p biased
And truthfully....even though Pierrot is much much much better musically/lyrically than Dir en Grey, Dir en Grey wins out because they're hotter. Like....who would call Kirito cute as a kitten?
And that was what I did today
Hang around, dl music and listen :P
Oh yeah, went out with audy but no movie ticket >___>
Argh.
But then again, I'm rediscovering my addiction to Kiyoharu, lol. *shoves Kyo aside* Admit it, he's hotter than you!xD xD
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:01 a.m.+
Cold.
<---RANT-------->
I'm godforsakeningly tired
I spent the whole of yesterday night and morning
Till 6am this sunrise, doing Economics TYS'
And then I realized I have a BNW essay and a Blake essay
Both about 1500++++ long because the teachers expect a lot
And then I just started crying
Like "oh my god how can I finish it?!"
It's like I'm losing
In every sense
I'm not persuing what I truly love
I'm not doing well in school
I'm not even doing my best
And........
It's like I can't make mistakes anymore
I'm not -allowed- to make any wrong choices
Or the consequences would eat me alive
You understand?
..............
I suppose you can't
You have to experience it first.
*sighs*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:02 p.m.+
Blueberry yohgurt icecream
Tired.
Woke up into the afternoon, had lunch then after slacking around, went out with sis. Visited Aunty Iris at Chinatown, who was pretty happy to see me~ ^-^ I'm invited to this potluck thing this Saturday morning~ Should I go? I'll go if I can wake up in time I guess....After all, audy has her orientation to attend anyway.
Dropped by Utterly Art, uncle Kenneth wasn't in but his partner was. *coughsnicker* Anyway, new exihibit up, the stuff is by a Filopino artist who is Kyo2. Seriously. One of the titles of his paintings was called: "Showtime: Suicide Murder Knife Dance." And another called "Both Failure and Isolation." There's even a spazzy one with the head blown off done in pastels which looks like Kyo's Fridge Drawing. LOL.
Went back to Plaza Sing, raided the supermarket for ricotta, fruits and other junk eg. PISTACHIO! LOL. It just goes to show what my life would be like if I were to live alone/with my sis. Lots of fruits, sweet cheese, fruit juice and pistachios. ^-^
Raced for class, finished most of the fish. It'll be complete in 2 weeks' methinks. At most anyway. I need to put up something for the exihibit. Argh so short notice. What can I put up? My fish? The flower? The flower is in China, Zhuhai darnit. Argh.
>_____________>
And my still life won't be finished in time.
I'm regressing back to still life, even though it's the most boring thing ever, in my opinion. Picking a stupid fruit to draw and paint argh! why? The sexy aubergine has been painted already, so I need to paint something else. Hmn. If I were a fruit what would I be?
Mostly thinking of aubergine and dragonfruit.
The contrast is kinda interesting
Mom didn't pick me up.*pissed*
Nice guy at starbucks.
My shirt is grossed and stained.
Oh yeah, my fighting fish look cool. Need to use lemon yellow instead of cadmium yellow to mix. Buy more Titanium white too. At the same time, I need a red. Madder rose? Cadnium red? Hmmnnnnnn....
Bring pictures of Leighton's work next week.
Yay after still life I get to paint potraiture!
How r0xx0rs is that?!
PS. Blueberry yohgurt gelato r0xx0rs.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:24 p.m.+
Uhhhhh....sleepy
Tired. It's 3am!
Apparently my fic-writing skillz only start to pwnz j00 from 12am onwards. Anyway, Real Folk Blues' update! Link:
Jrockyaoi
Went for painting today. Linseed oil is a squishy sexy thing. My fish series looks kinda cool, although I wish my greens were cleaner and brighter. ARGH ARGH MUST BUY TITANIUM WHITE! *mkkdgweghfdjhjfhdh* I so totally forgot about it. *curses* Nevermind. Tomorrow I'm just darkening stuff so I don't really need white. Yet. Used a new brush technique which gave a sort of liquid-movement feel to it which is quite pretty. I <3 my new round 6 brush!
Daler-Rowney rocks!
They don't sell metallic gold for oil though
I sure hope gold leaf is lighter than oil
Though I doubt it.
Purple works surprisingly well with light blue (cobalt+T.white). Even though the paintings' generally done in cooler colours of blue, purple and green (analogous triangle) I'm using the warm shades of blue and green so it actually looks quite pretty and not at all receding. Tomorrow it'll be slightly drier so I can start adding my shading notes. Thinking of adding slight cadimium red/sienna to make a dark black blue with French Ultra.
Anyway I'm in love with my round 6 and square 6
<3<3<3
I missed painting ne~ especially during camp
And Mr. James is very good at persuading me to go pro.
After this painting, I'm going back to still life.
Urgh urgh urfgh >__________> I have so litte patience for it
On the other hand, he promised I could start potraiture after I'm done with stills! Yay! Then I can draw Kaokao!
Actually I already can (measured drawing has it's advantages) but nothing beats life drawing. Need to buy block paper and charcoal though. My supply is short. Again. Oh yeah, got myself another block of watercolour sheets. Aquarelle (the french brand) is pretty good yea. Better than the China one cos the paper wraps less easily.
..........Did you know linseed oil is also used to lacquer baseball bats?
Random info, lol.
Going to sleep
I have homework to finish too
Econs and a BNW essay which has to be handed by Thurs
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep .__________.
love<3<3<3
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:13 a.m.+
Yura-ness!
Listening to: fic-writing music
For audy ^^
A case of right song and right idea
---------RANDOM--------------
Only if you see it then you can understand.....
Conjure up the images
-Ferris wheel-
Gruff hands that take the poorly printed tickets, cold shivery faces queuing behind, eyes aglow with excitement, the cranking of an old motor; whirling noisily with jangly noise, the creak of wooden cradles swinging lazily in suspense, wheel spokes glittering like magical magical promises that kept turning round and round endlessly glowing with blue fire and red lights against the deep canvas of the night sky.....
all that noise and all that sound
Hand clasping, kisses whispered to the comforting darkness, the taste of popcorn and cotton candy lingering on your lips, a sideways look of longing, subtle and hopeful and the space between, the breathy I love yous that filled every void between us....between them....
Some get made, some never began
The world spreads at your fingertips, a thumbnail of a nation. Swirls of colours assaulting; ocean bright and flooding the senses with neon gimlets of blues, yellows, greens and pinks that seem to flower beneath your feet, the noise becoming music as the cradle rises higher and higher until the very sky swallows you up in velvety darkness, the stars shimmering under your grasp, myraid of fantastic colours blooming and blooming brighter and brighter till brightest and you shut your eyes at the incandescent mirage. Raising your arms to the night, the garden of light blooms at your feet and the essence fills you deep inside and you reach out to.....
Fly
Floating, freewheeling, the rush hits you like the speed of sound, time passing like a dream or is the dream, time? The rush The wind brushes past your face like laughter and bells, colours racing faster and faster and you widen your eyes with joy as the colours fade into pure brillance into an explosive eruptive ebullient -
Instant
Abstract,fiery and pointillist
-In an instant-
all that noise and all that sound
An entire life caught in a moment in a ferris wheel
Rewind. Press
The wheels start creaking again
The queues are never-ending one single chance
On this magical magical ferris wheel of light...
I fell in love with a ferris wheel
-------------
I'm writing RFB
And Blankets
Yura-ness is high tonight
I feel so poetic~
It's like drowning in my system, this music that feels like light and weighs down with electric fire that seem to glow brighter and brighter and I can't stop it as it fills my mind with white white noise that means so much in colours of spectrum.......
I feel like my arse is on fire
every fibre in me in glowing with it
this magic tingle....this yurameki
how this feeling just rippled through my entire being
-a waver- a shudder- a shiver-
And I'm flying
how can I ever resist this feeling?
love <3<3<3
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:10 p.m.+
Squishy tama!
Woke at 11, met audy at Orchard MRT and gave her the squishy turtle thing. LOL. I have one too~ Anyway, it looks like :D Superduperly cute and bouncy~!!! My sis claims I abuse it 'cos I like to bounce it against the ceiling and squish it XD XD XD
Went to cineleisure, intended to watch Madagascar, ended up watching Downfall which is basically the last moments of Hitler's Third Riech. All history students take note: Historically accurate and gory. Yep. It beats Casshern in terms of sheer bloodshed. You just feel so absolutely sick as these 14 year olds are all sent to their deaths by crazy crazy men (esp the kid Peter Kranz) And the amuptations EW EW EW. Pural, mind you. It's so detailed you could even see a bit of the bone sticking out and the bomb blasts and they show EVERYTHING.
Even in Hitler's bunker, you watch horrified as Frau Gobbael (Minister of Prop's wife) kills her 5 kids with cyanide, and her husband shoots himself and her. And during dinner Hitler discusses the best ways of suicide with his wife in a casual manner. Like "Pass the potatoes dear" becomes "Shooting through the mouth is best, dear."
*horrified*
I don't think I'll survive a war.
The ugliness of it scares me
It's just such a WASTE of life you know?
Just to fufil a dead man's wish.
Sneaked in subway sandwhiches ^-^ Yay! Boycott overpriced popcorn! After the movie, went to HMV. Picked up New Order and Radiohead, both highly stoner-depressive music, though New Order has a lassire faire to it.
Went to Kino, bought Cure to ogle at pretty boys...heheheheh ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;<----fangirly
Planning to scare classmates with the girly boys tho
was a pretty happy ordinary day~
<3<3<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:49 p.m.+
Shita to Yoru
Listening to: All of Kyo's Poem book songs
Am venting itsy bitsy things known as emotions but listening to DeG as loud as possible and singing at the top of my voice. There's no round it. It's barely 2 days since I'm back and I'm already feeling _it_. "It" being my usual self.
Of course, my family doesn't help at all
In fact, I could problably blame it on them.
Look. Decide okay?
You want me to be sucide-maniac depressive issit?
Can't you just let me be happy?
Or is being happy and saying it a problem in this house?
Fine, okay, I'll shut up
Then just leave me alone then
Sometimes I don't know why I even care
There's no point holding a conversation in this house, I just want to give up. Nothing to do with perserverance, it's just no one's listening and everyone just yaks and yaks without actually understanding each other at all. What's the point then? The whole -reason- for holding a conversation is to commuicate. This isn't commuicating, it's just cesspooling where everyone spits into the same pool.
And you spend the entire day being such a wet blanket
And right at the end you think it's alright to just smile smile and say everything is okay
Well everything is NOT okay.
*is highly irritated*
Fine, if you want me to shut up, I will
Like you said, you can't wait for me to leave anyway
Don't worry, neither can I.
-------------
Made a new sketchbook, watching Madagascar/whatever audy likes tomorrow. I think Madagascar, cos it has pretty animation as well. ^^ I need to go Art Friend on Sunday or something. Buy my oil paints and stuff <3<3<3 Need to see aunty Iris too. Not to rant, just to visit. *sighs*
Watching new anime: Trinity Blood and Wolf's Rain
Trinity Blood r0xx0rs!!! It's extremely cool! Why? Because it's like Hellsing crossovered with Cowboy Bebop, which makes it superduperly watch-able. I'm not overly keen on the fanciful names though. Like the Latin-gunkyness...ew ew ew. There's a limit to naming EVERY SINGLE THING in Latin. Like the whole "Operus Mundi" thing (humanity's enemy) and the supersuper-I-have-seen-in-1000001animes-already name: Rosenkruez
Weiss Kreuz had it, Gundam Wing had it, Hellsing had it....even CYBERTEAM IN AKIHABARA had it!!! loool
Anyway, shall keep quiet now after being told to shut up 10000001 times today. I'm beginning to wonder what's the point of being happy when everyone wants you to shut up about it. Is being "stoner" now the ideal state of mind or something?
Stupid dispassionate aimless human beings!
I can't help it
It's like no one wants to feel anything anymore
Everyone is like a rock, with no feelings or emotions
And expressing them is wrong or something
Is it blasphemy? Is it a sin? Am I a heretic?
What so great about having no feelings or passion?
It's inhuman
And yet people pursue it as the pinnacle of behaviour
*disgusted*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:33 p.m.+
Languidity
Listening to: Taiyou no Ao
I'm considering writing a sequel to A Place of Your Own called "Homecoming". How does that sound? I have Blankets 4 languishing in my computer, mainly because I can't think of anything but to kill Kyo off because writing smut will never be my forte. I just can't bring myself to imagine sex for sex (unless I'm particulary horny that day) And somehow, it always ends up in angst. Always. Even Blankets ended up in angst (which is why I killed the chapter btw)
I'm trying to convince myself that Kaoru and Shinya are meant to be in RFBs' which is getting more and more unlikely. On the other hand, lots of people are going to get pissed if they don't get together, but do I want them together? Truth: not really. I don't want Shinya and Toshiya together either. It doesn't help that now that I've given Kaoru a curveball, his thinking changes from a squiggle to a zigzag. I write Shinya better than I write Kao because I'm not very good at dechipering Kao yet. It took me 3 false starts to get the squiggle right, and now I have to find a way to understand the zigzag!!!! T-T
But I really do need to finish RFB. It's lagging.
So...okay...time to vote: a sequel to A Place of Your Own or a new Toshiya x Shinya long fic called "In Shades"?
The first will feature angst, the latter will feature angst too. The first will be a deeper look into Shinnypoo's poessiveness and Kyo's distancing to be "Ore wa Ore" the second will be a new kind of angst commonly known in fandom as the "Neglect Syndrome".
Pick.
*goes to write Blankets*
die die must also finish
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:46 p.m.+
BlueFishy! Go tamatama!
Listening to: Mr Newsman
YAY I'M BACK TO CIVILIZATION!!! *huggles it* oh how I've missed you!! The ting of a microwave, my squishy bedsheets and pillows and.....COMPUTER!<3<3<3
Day one
Woke with much trepidation to camp. After the usual briefing and dropping our junk into the classrooms, we were ushered into LT2 for our external training lectures.
7.30am - 1.30pm (lunchbreak) 2.00-7.30pm (dinner) 8pm-10pm
I think......All in all, 13 HRS OF LECTURES!!!
It's not as bad as it seems
In a way, it was extremely interesting (esp. one segment) For most part I could concentrate, except after lunch in which I actually dozed off -__________-;;;; It's just really mentally draining. You lose any sense of time and space, because it's just one lecture after another all squished together until you can't tell whether it's morning, noon or night.
My group...Group 9....was pretty okay. I got along with most of them, except for one prat from RGS. Nothing against RGS'ers, but she was a prat. Tyla. Urgh. I don't know why she's in CJC at all. She thinks she's better than the rest of us and I can -sense- (in waves mind you) that she thinks this is amusing like the way people go to the zoo and look at animals. Ew. Gross. And people LIKE her. I don't get it. Can't you sense that she thinks that you're of the same level as an orang utan?
Amazingly enough, there was this guy who really liked me. Actually two. One was from Atiquah's team, who brusquely informed me that he had a crush on me. Tsu's reaction: O.0;;; really? Gee...that's nice. Second one from my team, whom everyone tried to get him to ask me out. Like, duh. You think I'm that dense that I can't hear you asking him to do it? I dunno....I'm not really interested in relationships at the moment. Or at least, anything more than friendship. Btw, anyone with any funny ideas, Audy and I aren't a couple. We're just really good friends na~~~
In the end...I doubt I'll have anymore contact with any of them.
Attitude: painfully blase
They're great people (with the exception of Tyla) and I really liked Alicia (who reads slash too! hah!) but I'm not there with them...even at my most enthusiatic during the camp, it's nothing compared to when I'm -REALLY- happy as in bouncing-genkiness I display during CLB. I can't connect with them at all.
'Sides, my whole team was astrologically incompatible with me, lol.
Day Two
Woke up at 5am after 4 hours of disquieted sleep and took a bus to Changi Seasports. *looks sleepy and disgruntled* I don't know how people have the -energy- to cheer at 5.30am in the frikkin' morning. *mutters under breath* god sakes' let me sleep a little...
Anyway, sea-rafting was the first activity. Great fun! I love planning and designing all these kinds of things~ It's just so cool to see your design being created right infront of your very eyes ^-^ Tied a gazillion square-lashes which I never imagined I'll be doing after quitting Girl Guides. Ahh....seems pretty useful after all xD xD And the raft floated! We won the mini-race too! Tis' r0xx0rs! :D :D :D
Lunch was a rainy affair involving canned beans, canned sardines, canned tuna and sliced bread. Hell, almost anything would taste good at that time. Took a boat to Pulau Ubin and prepared for the worst: Trekking.
It's a mindless process involving 5 hours and 4 blisters. *dies* Even as I try to remember it, nothing really comes clearly. The main thing I remembered was just telling myself to complete it within the time limit just to shut the hell up of Mr Issac Lim who doesn't believe I can do it, and my teammates because 5 hours of "YOU CAN DO IT!" and encouraging pats and patronizing smiles just ANNOYS the hell out of me. Like, "SHUT UP and just let me complete it damnit!" Then to hear them yak about comfort zones really annoy me. Hello, I'm pretty sure I've reached out of my comfort zone more than a gazillion times more than you did (more on this rant later)
In the end we made it in 5 hours exactly! Yay!
I felt accomplished, mostly because I perservered but the truth is, I don't think I learnt anything. Which is kinda sucky honestly. I know I have determination, many people complained of my sheer stubborness before so it isn't anything new. A 15km trek just made me feel tired and well -flat-. I haven't exactly increased anything but my fitness level, which will go down the drain once I go home and slug around for a while.
Other than those few seconds of perseverance and accomplishment, I can't say I learnt much. This isn't really reaching beyond my comfort zone yea? This IS my zone. You haven't actually stretched my potential or whatever they keep yakking about.
Went back to CJ, showered intelligently and slept. Why intelligently? That's cos there's only 4 cubicles for showering and 77 girls and only 1.5 hours for all 77 girls. Now, I really want to be clean and treat my blisters, so I inspected all the toilets and found a tap, a pail and a bucket. For all my efforts, I managed to get a 15min++ bath complete with soapings and shampoo. After I was done, I offered this option to the 77 waiting people and none of them took it up. Idiots, I say, I-D-I-O-T-S.
Like, 5 mins is NOTHING compared to 15 mins, esp if you're using a lousy low pressure school shower-head.
Hell, I even got to use conditioner!
Day Three
Woke at 6am after 5 hours of sleep, lots of these reflection /debriefing activities, including a personality test on What Kind of Person Are You? (sounds like quizilla to me) Kinda fun, lots of games. Played in the rain, had a cheer-competition, did some real CCA-planning which felt really good because well, at least -that- had a purpose after the camp. Training is good and all, but it's worth nothing unless there's a practical and useful purpose to it. Planned a couple of things (which I have to bring up to the teachers) and a really cool ArtsFest idea with the other asthetic CCAs.
Anyway, my test results for personality:
Coordinater - 6pts coordinates team potential
Driver - 9pts controls team goals and operations
Finisher - 4pts Protects team from mistakes
Implementer - 17 pts Planner and organizer
Evaluater - 11pts evalutes ideas for balance
Originator - 18 pts advances ideas/problem solving
Resource - 8pts negotiates with team and beyond
Supporter - 0!pts gives people support
I'm an Originator/Implementer which is pretty contradictory, lol. Oh yeah, everything adds up to 70pts, I don't feel like percentaging it (my math sucks)
Why?
'cos there's a huge working-ethic clash between them
I'm SUPER amused at the Supporter part though. LOL, somehow I know that my individualism doesn't sit well in teams.
LOL. The teachers gave a personal evaluation too. Here's what I got (everything upon 5):
Analytical/Problem solving: 5
Self-reliance: 4
Flexibility: 3
Initiative: 3
Commuication with Team: 2
Interpersonal: 3
Teamwork: 2
Remarks:
Tsu is a very focused and resourceful young lady who makes it a point to take the lead. However, she will need to learn how to work more closely with her team and be more sensitive
*is endlessly amused*
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wonder what they'll say if I told them my secret desire is to be dominated and the only reason why I take lead is because there's no one else to do it? And the "sensitive" part just makes me giggle, already people complain I'm -over-sensitive.
The Interesting part: what I really think:
I actually learned something from this camp, though not what they intended to teach us. It was during Day one, the lecture on leadership and all that and then I realized that Kyo/Audy was right:
ore wa ore
I am; I am.
I think....I found my purpose. Not really as in found what I'm doing, but a -realization- of the importance of my purpose. I didn't believe in this kind of thing before, after all, how can you be who you are if you're not truly free? There's no such thing as freedom, because to be free means you infringe on another's freedom (thus a never-ending cycle). But now...I think I understand
No matter what happens, I am who I am. I can change, but it's still me you see? No matter what setbacks, no matter what happens, I can survive because I am me, and I have a reason to be me. Not anyone else. I can do it, and no one makes me do it but -me-. Nothing can change my purpose, or what I am because I am the embodiment of my lifework. To know I -DID- something and to achieve what I was always meant to do.
Nothing can change the fact that I will always be this
Because in being this, then I can achieve what I was set upon to do, my destiny
Like even in the scenerio when audy leaves me, I know deep down I'll survive now. Because audy isn't me, and I am not her. Her purpose in life is utterly different from mine and because of that, I can - will succeed. It's like I found my life-defining aspect, the person I am and will be and I will do what I have to do no matter what because I am who I am. And who I am is what I can do and will do.
You see?
I feel like I've found my place in the world and nothing can change that.
Things can come and go, friends can come and go, family can come and go but...I will always be me
And whatever the consequences
It will be -MY- consequences, not anyone else's.
-----------
Back to CJ-ness. As I've known all along, I don't really like working in teams. I like working with friends not teams and teams are not friends. Teams are people you have to work with whether you like it or not, and team spirit is just a useless excuse to try to make people feel more motivated so that the profit margin becomes higher.
Sometimes when I look at them
I wonder if they realize there's a big big world out there
It's like...
Rankings, teachers, classes and test results aren't really important because it's not real. The whole schooling system is an imitation of the real world. Even the teachers acknowlegde that. You think that being the prom queen of 2005 of so and so school will get you anywhere? Or being top in whatever?
Not really.
Does it really matter so much?
In the end, this is only a 3 day camp made up of a bunch of teenage strangers to build relations. How much can you build in 3 days? How much can you build in 2 years? And the whole point of LTC ....to be a leader and what a leader is....is it really true?
Take Hitler. He was a good leader, but does anyone use him as a model for leadership?
The truth is...leadership isn't everything.
You can be a lousy leader and lead people
Hell, you can even lead [people without teamwork
I'm a walking example of that
I never asked to be one, yet I held leadership positions in primary school, secondary school and even in JC. And I suck at teamwork. What you -really- need to lead is the guts to think differently and DO it. People say I'm wacked, they say I'm nuts and crazy and weird but they still follow me. And they do it -willingly- even though I don't give a shit about them.
Thus, you realize that teamwork is just BS for you.
LTC isn't really catered to teach you how to be a leader.
It's catered to teach you what SOCIETY believes of a leader.
It's catered to the Sports CCAs in which teamwork matters.
Tell me
How would teamwork help out in Astronomy club?
Or Math scoiety? Or Art club? Or chess club?
Because there's no way you can have -all- the qualities desired. Something has to give. But you can BE a perfect leader if you're in the correct aspect of it. Like I'll never be a good leader for Canoeing because that requires teamwork. But I'm a good leader for Art club because ideas are held in piority there, and so is organizing abilities.
See what I mean?
It's kinda flawed, the teaching.
--------------
I'm pretty happy at the end result though. At least, pleasantly surprised. For one thing, I'm closer to Alicia and Rachel Koh, made a couple of aquaintances and generally the teachers think I'm a borderline genius (so do most students) and appreciate the effort of the teachers who created the camp.
But life-changing? Nah
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:10 p.m.+
Sayonara Solitare
I give up.
On everything:
Mom, Dad, Family, Audy, Tora....etc
Sure I'll be lonely
Sure it'll suck (at least for the first few months)
But I'm tired and disappointed
and disllusioned and bitter and jaded and cynical
Let's start with mom:
I love you, you know?
But I try so hard......and you just don't understand!
You don't even want to hear what I say
Simply because it doesn't suit your ideal of me
I tried running away to open your eyes and SEE
that I'm not just an extension of yourself
That you are not me, and I will never be you
In the end, because I feel guilty I ended up making all the wrong decisions for myself. Small things first: CCA, Subject combination, dropping art....small things. Then now I'm in JC I realise what an IDIOT I am
So I'm resentful
Can you really blame me?
You just want to see what you want to see
I'm not 6 anymore, nor will I ever be
What is real is not the same as ideal
You think of me as I was -before-
Not now.
And I'm angry.
And I have every right to be
I'm trapped because I want to fufill your expectations
Not mine
I'm trapped by the younger version of myself
Because you love her, not me
How can you love someone you don't know?
You think of me as an irresponsible 5 year old
That I can't live by myself (sure I can; just watch)
I'm no longer dependant on you
You're dependant on me now
Everytime you broke down, who picked up the pieces?
Everytime you lost your way, who pointed it out to you?
And you still think I don't know
I do, it's just you don't treat me like it
Since you have no idea, and you make decisions for me
They're totally unsuitable.
Can you blame me for being resentful?
I'm forced to do what you want me to do because you love the Other me so much
Think about it:
-CCAs
-School choices
-Career paths
-Behaviour
And everytime I try and make you see for what I really am, a person with my own individual thoughts and wants; you just shrink away and try to get out of it by buying me stuff.
In truth, I'll rather be my sis then. At least she doesn't get this. I'm not an extension of yourself, and I -can- take care of myself.
If you could just try and see
----------------
Dad: 2 words: Fuck Off
I give up on trying to be a "son". You're never going to be happy with my gender, and I'm not planning to be a transsexual so...I guess. Who cares?
--------------
Sis:
Hi sis, out of everyone I can honestly say I like you best
Please note however, that I'm just human
As much as I would like to be there 24/7
It's not possible
And you need to grow up a little
Fighting isn't the answer
Really.
Sometimes it's okay to ego-massage people
Things get done faster (esp. in case of mom)
In the case of your studies, here's some satistics
School is Not an Entire Universe
I know you're disappointed (you think I'm an idiot?)
I know you're disappointed at yourself
But think about it;
Do you really want to turn into your classmates just to get those marks?
Or would you rather just score average-ly and be yourself?
Sometimes cos you're in school so much
People tend to make you believe that school is the most important thing in the world
It isn't
People live for 84 years in general
You spent 16 years' studying only!!!!
It isn't a matter of life and death
It's just a PIECE OF PAPER (prolly not recycled)
Think about what you really want in life
Not just marks, not just people to admire you
When you die
Do you really want just a DUMB PIECE OF PAPER to sum up your life?
------------------
Audy:
hi~
I know you think you're trying
I really appreciate it
But it's kinda pointless if you're not honest right?
Sometimes I wonder why you bother giving me your bloglink when it's not where you really pen your thoughts.
Most of your entries just consist of things you did
And the truth is;
That's what our relationship is
Things we did
I can't love you because I don't know you
I try, but you're always hiding yourself
Perhaps that's why I'm insecure about you
Because you never told me honestly
And that was the same reason why my parents were divorced
I don't know how you feel
because you never say anything
And as they say: Knowledge is Power
You know everything about me (mostly that is)
But I don't know a dot about you
I try and try and try to get answers
In the end, I just get nothing; nothing at all
Is being honest with me so hard for you?
I honestly told you what was wrong
But honesty takes 2 people, not one
This isn't even about how close we are
It's about friendship
How can we even be friends; much less soulfriends, if we aren't even honest with each other?
As I see it, there's no point anymore
If we aren't even honest with ourselves/each other
On what's really wrong
Then aren't we just living on another lie?
Do you really want to live on another lie?
If you're really trying
Why can't you just tell me what you really feel
Instead of hiding it in another LJ account?
----------------------
I'll be away in camp from 6th-8th June. Breakup letters, hate mail etc please send to sumeragi_@hotmail.com I'm giving you time to think. As in truly think, not some
spur decision because you're lonely and in need of avaliable company. Thanks, but I'm not a pity-case
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:14 p.m.+
venguer
I think: elle le fait exprès pour me fâcher. Yeah, that's why I'm slightly venguer still. But it's okay na!~~~ Cos I'm renoncer et ne disant pas aussi. :D :D tres beaut! -le terrain épaissit-
Maybe I should take up french instead of bass...lol...Cookbooks + French CLAMP image galleries = tsu can read/write french. I can't speak a word of it though but la vie en vie avec la joie insouciante! Does it really matter? Nah. :P
I'm writing Blankets now...:x can't decide whether to kill off Kyo Ki Kinobe or not. Bah. *smacks the lil' green blonde midget* irritant! Anyway, I'm thinking of signing up for the electric bass classes on Monday/Thursday. ^^v Paying for the classes myself, though mom volunteered. I'm less likely to drop something I spent my precious cash on.
*twiddles thumbs* I'm sort of taking zutto's advice
Oh yeah, to be the late grape on the grapevine:
NEIL GAIMAN IS COMING TO SG!!!!!!!!
So.
Who's going and what time and when?
^_______________________________^
Alex is definetely coming (don't know when though), so is Gloria and perhaps more of the moltely crew which would mean that all the comicbook geeky people will be coming too! Yay! *waves banner* I'm planning to get The Wake and Seasons of Mist signed XD XD
*feels fangirly gushy*
WHEEEEEE~~~~~ he's never been to SG before
Gotten off from Alex's blog:
Arrive Singapore July 3.
Events July 4-6. (Mon-Wed)
Does anyone know which bookshop it'll be in?
I hope Kino, you get to sit on the floors.:D:D:D
I'll ask gloria when we get back to school..hmnn
ugrhh...gtg
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:42 p.m.+
short notice
Je pense que je renonce déjà. C'est si absurde maintenant. ...to dit une chose et un autre. L'internet vous l'un dites, mais l'éclat j'obtiens et la déception véritable quand je vois que vous êtes plus que je peux prendre. Il a l'air de juste du plastique.
*twiddles thumbs*
Went to the doctor, apparently I've got bronchitis + sinusitis, that's why I'm feverish I suppose. *shrugs* Advised to stay out of watersports too. As in doctor gives me *twitchy* look, LOL. She's so nice ^_______^ Went to Plaza Sing to check on the prices for electric bass as well as the class schedules
So......
Monday 6-6.30 or Thursday 5.30-6
for 9 months, individual classes
I'm paying it myself. *shrugs* Why? (mom offered) because it'll be kinda horrible if I gave up halfway, and then she'll have to suffer by paying for my classes. Better I pay for myself, and the consequences incurred would be mine. I think I'll wait for any timetable changes in July, get my exams over and done with first before I start. But it's only 30mins a week, and I can well afford the time.
I was thinking of guitar...but the truth is, bass is much easier. 4 strings and it's easy to pick up. Yay~ Then Rachel Koh and I can play together or something<3
Going to Art Friend tomorrow to buy oil/enamel paint. ^-^ Reading on the Spice Trade, interesting to note that over 16,0000 people were murdered/killed during colonialization just for the sake of Cinnimon, Clove, Pepper and Nutmeg. As in brutal, large-scale massacares. And then you look at the supermarket shelves filled with prepackaged spices.....and it's just pure disbelief.
Odd fact: cinnimon was imported in large quantities in Egypt, where they used it to mummify bodies. Flavoursome eh? :p
Going to write now, chiao~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:55 p.m.+
And dinner~
Listening to: Claudine
Dinner was great. Wait - understatement. Dinner was fantastic Even though I know full well that she bought dinner because she was guilty; it was pretty good bribe.
Antipasti of cold crayfish with lemon jus and iced prawns. Then wild mushrooms with feta cheese and argula salad. Cherrystone clams and mussels with wine sauce. Then pasta; penne with seafood tossed lightly with tomato oil and chopped tomatoes. Dessert of baked cheesecake, panna cotta and lemon gelato with strawberry coulis
And wine! *dreams* It just went -magical- with the seafood and cheesecake. Chardonnay, I think. Lovely fruity bouquet, very light and quite sweet. Beautiful honeyamber colour <3
*sighs happily*
I'm so easily seduced~lol
But I really *do* like white wine. Riesling, Chardonnay, Sauternes, Champange etc etc....I prefer it to the distinctly acid taste of red (Merlot, Pinot Noir etc) or even Inniskillin (dessert wine). It's a pity my dad drinks mostly red, or I would enjoy his dinners more. *shrugs* Anyway, mom has a bottle of Riesling still uncorked <3 LOL...zutto, if you're reading this, you might be interested to know that Riesling is of German origin. Hangover anyone? :P
Technically, there's no way you can get drunk on wine
The alcohol content isn't that high, unless you're drinking Inniskillin. But then again, I usually start feeling tipsy at glass 6th
There was a Jazz band too~ <3<3<3 It's just fun to dress up and be entertained ^-^ I like it~ Plus it allows me to practice proper equitte. Like how to peel a prawn with a fork and knife lol.
I know I promised Blankets, but I'm really too tired to write (plus I just had Clariynase). Plus I need to see the doc tomorrow...urgh urgh urgh
love and nights~
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:24 p.m.+
Rubix
Listening to: Anatomy of a Snakebit -TV
*idly twists* I'm playing with my sister's rubix cube. It's kinda interestiing to note that there's no possible way to have an entire cube without at least 2 cubes of the same colour next to each other. *twists a little* Yay~ I managed to get an entire face white~! >.< I can't remember how I did it though...*twists more aimlessly* I just like the colours lol.
Typing out my Lit notes, lol. Maybe I should sell them. Ah well.
Going out with mom tonight. guilty does as guilt is
Blankets out at 12midnight.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:01 p.m.+
fic-update + entry
Listening: 24ko Cylinder
addicted to bassline
Thinking of learning bass after A levels, cos I have a 7 month break after that. Why not guitar? 'cos bass is easier, 4 strings only. Plus then I can play with Rachel Koh who jams for fun yay~
Lit lecture, bored. Did Blake. Yay! He finally does satire~
Watched Episode III, yes Blankets Ch 4 will be out tomorrow titled: "Of lightsabers and Prefects' Bathroom". Yoda is inspiring. Anakin reminds me of me, complete with cheesy lines. The dialouge sucks, he seems to spend 3/4 of the time staring moodily at the camera, face half-hidden in shadow. Not so bad though. What -really- annoyed me was the horrible transitions. If you're spending a million on animation and SFX at least have the courtesy to NOT USE Macintosh-style free transitions. Urgh.
Am offically sick. Came home with a 38.5 deg fever and sneezing like mad. Skipped dinner, took clariynase and panadol. Did some things, anyway. Having dinner with mom tomorrow. *sighs* .............guilty as guilty pleased.
Found a word I like: "orenji" xD xD
Anyway. Fic-update.
S-teki: Kotou
HERE
Who knows?
Maybe one day i'll finish it.
*shurgs*
It's a year since I started...well, almost
S-teki has the privilege of being the longest fic I've ever written
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:50 p.m.+
zetsubouuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Listening to: Withering to Death/Zetsubou-esque stuff
Zetsubouness....the hanging rope of black despair and all that emo-ish angst. Except that I'm not really emo. Except that I don't feel anything else besides heartsick.
-----------------
Scarlet banners are waving; a call for all of us
The march goes on -left right left right-
Relentless. Unforgiving. Unflinching
Children at play practicing for future
Which grand finale do you choose for destruction?
Unknowning puppets who can blame them?
Their innocently cruel hands
Their wide-eyed viciousness
Their implacable grins
Pitiless Mr Children; holding guns in their hands
Merciless Mr Children; the sky drowns in red blood
Pitiless Mr Children; innocent eyes that hold no guilt
Merciless Mr Children; the bloodthirsty future beckons
Innocence that protects you from Guilt
-----------------
"hello familar friend
do you remember me?"
this rotten feeling
this rotten sea
this rotten heartsickness
that eats me alive
inside, outside, unquenching animal with growling thirst
the green sublimity of vomit
the violet beauty of bruises
the jaundiced yellow of filthied skin
in this hanging rope of black despair
i can't see anything but the bleak [ ]
the black boxes that suffocates
thrashing and screaming life
to retch out this slient killer is to admit it
to dig under the skin and bones; this demon inside me
-want to eat you- want to eat me- destroy-
the drowning person grasps
clawing hands waving desperately
bubbling waves are pulling
drowning drowning drowning
this rotten sea
dying dying dying
this rotten sea
crying crying crying
this rotten sea
-last gasp-
-----------------
Stoning is the most reassuring state of mind.
Give me love
Do you ever feel that you're trapped in a glass cage?
Like a science experiment?
Sometimes I think that God is nothing but whimsy
Looking at his experiement with the cluelessness of a child
Ageless.
If you don't age, then God never grows old
And if he doesn't grow old, isn't God innocent?
He has no guilt for his death of his creations
Of whose Maker's hand is this?
We're trapped.....perhaps because God is so perfect
That he cannot grow. Perfection stops growth
Maybe we aren't just a spark of divinity
Maybe we ARE divine, or at least have the potential
Men who walked on Earth like Gods
We know everything. The truth, the universe and entireity
It's just that we're in denial/delusion
We -don't- want to know cos it's simpler to not know
Would you really want to know how horrible you are?
Or all the knowledege of evil and burden of your actions?
Not really right?
Too fragile?
Maybe we're just plain lazy
Easy way out
Yet ----
I don't know.
--------------
I'm frikkin lazy lately
My Blake essay had a 28/50.
True I topped the class (thus is whingeing) but That's Not The Point. The point being that it sucked. I knew it sucked. The teacher knew it sucked. She gave me the mark because it was the best of the worst. Which is not good. It's not very detailed, I picked wrongly and the only thing that salvaged me is pure bullshit. Like this line: "By freely expressing emotion, he can also freely express his imagination because the freedom of expression is the freedom of imagination."
Well. I DID need to hit 1200 words.
Painstakingly reached at exactly 1-2-0-0
Irritated at meself.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:56 p.m.+
T_T
Feeling a bit down lately....
And slightly borderline depressed.
Might not be online for a while
I wonder if anyone would really miss me
I feel so....neglected? Useless? Taken for granted?
Bought Withering To Death album
I figured I need severance pay
And something to sit around to cry with
The only vaguely funny thing that's happening
Is that the people in my class think I'm emotionless
^-^;;;;;;; agree? disagree?
I'm kinda amused at their perception
Okay. I need to wither a while
And sleep the reality away
Pathetic right?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:33 p.m.+
No play leapfrog over unicorn's head
*sinks down onto a sofa* Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.....*dies* Really tired. This is going to -quite- long and ranty.
P5 Campland: Evergreen Primary Sch
Woke up at 5.30am. Cold. Crawled out of bed. Went to the train station to meet the rest of'em at Mac's and then headed to Evergreen Primary School. Briefed on our duties then got the class. Basically, we're drugdes/manpower to chase after these Evil Hellspawn 10 year old kids. Lucky me, I had one of the more difficult (re: rebellious, filthy, stupid) classes.
I'm not exaggarating.
These kids are FROM HELL.
Ironically, the classes are named after virtues. Hope, Love, Care, Wisedom...etc. My class was 5Peace, but unfortunately, had no peace.
First, the games. The boys are sexist, racist and bullies. They don't want to partner with girls, they don't want to communicate with each other and I had to stop 3 ongoing fights before they killed each other. Simple EASY games like Icebreakers can't be played because competition takes on a new level. Basic conversation:
boy1:"Oi! Why you do that?!'
boy2: *ignores and talks to friend*
boy1:"You think you so great ah?! Huh? *pushes
boy2: "What's your problem?! Wanto fight issit?!
And note, this happened within the 1st hour of introductions. The girls are more well-behaved really (a fact that continues to prove that men are animals). I'm not making this up or anything.....It's just proven over and over again no matter where you go.
Then we have our troublemakers. The biggest one was Alvin, who was constantly disappearing and not joining in the games. Not only that, he's a fist-talker. He's that kind of sulky grumpy wanna be gangster pai kiah complete with a broken wrist due to fighting on monkey bars.
Next is Rashid and Co. who, unlike Alvin who was utterly alone and wander-ly off, always came in threes. They're stay in the class, then after finish playing their turn, would wander off to kick balls and not support their friends (esp those trust games) And he's usually rebellious too. But if he's in a leadership position then he's quite manageable.
Then there's Hizuah who thankfully, is Graham's responsibility. He's an utter TWIT. He instigates fights with Alvin, who is a berserker (2 adults had to restrain a KID!), calls everyone names, runs off, doesn't play the games unless he's the leader and is generally an ass.
Finally, we have a girl! Amanda who is the epitome of passive-aggressive. Don't want this, don't want that, will not sleep together with class, will not eat with class, will not be on the same frikkin FIELD! as the class. She just stands there, stares at you and sulks.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAACGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
*slams self on wall*
And worse is that these kids are like Energizer Bunnies. Think Shinya has stamina? Wait till you see them. They run around, bounce off walls, scream in raising decibels and fight every few seconds/when you turn around from 7am to 2.30am the NEXT DAY, wake at 6am and start it again. *dies* It's worse than crack. It's pepetual prozac.
*chases chases chases*
And the noise
You just want to -murder- them all
The girls AND boys have this screech that goes:
AAAAAAEEEEEIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!*shriek*
Yep, the guys that reach that glass-shattering note too.
And then imagine a whole CANTEEN of kids like that.
You get the picture, right?
The night wasn't so bad though. The campfire was pretty fun (though overdramatic and anticlimatic). Got to know my classmates better, especially Graham (he's my partner). It's okay I guess.....I still don't think I'll mesh perfectly and there *are* personality clashes *coughAngelcough* and I -still- don't like their happy-pretends but okay...*shrugs* I can live with them. Sort of.
Sneaked around the school giggling and squealing, bought outside food (Linkan and Co.), looked at the stars, got reminded by the organizers not to have sex (-____-;;;) and talked till...2am? Dunno. Somewhere there.
Countdown-ed till 7pm today where everyone was let off. YAY! *longs for a bath* Okay. Rant time.
---------
I'm not lying when I say these kids are hellions. I bought them candy, and tried to distribute it evenly but some took more and some took less and some didn't take at all because those FRIKKIN KIDS ARE SELFISH RUDE OBNOXIOUS PRIGS! They knew full well that they were being greedy and depriving their classmates but they did it anyway and SHOWED IT OFF as if they did something great. What so frikkin great about depriving others and being selfish?
And they're disgusting too. I nearly didn't want to bathe when I looked at the state of the toilets. 3 stalls were flooded because someone had stuffed a used pad up the drain. There was dirt and rubbish on the floor, it stank and it was just utter EEEEEEWWWW-ness. They had no modesty either, and would just walk around naked and pointing fingers and giggling. *rolls eyes in disgust* Most of them left their panties everywhere, dirty or clean. Others just threw it on the floor or at their friends to "sniff sweat"
Filthy filthy filthy
And the kids swear. I mean, not the way we swear but they just do it for fun. As faciliators, we aren't allowed to swear but sometimes...I wonder. A sentance can go as such: "Bloody fucker, you think you so great ah? I call my brother and kill you then you know" (say with a strong singlish accent) They swear in Hokkien, they swear in Malay, they swear in English and they "f" each other on corridoors. Irritating. Especially since I end up having to break the fights.
AND THESE ARE ELEVEN YEAR OLDS
It's just horrible. Just horrible.
>___________<
I'm never going to have kids.
EVER. It's such a turn off to see such behaviour
I was never like this, and I've never realized how....
Cruel children can be to each other
They're evil and they're proud of it
It's so frightening
Like killing machines that exist without reason
And they do it for sheer whimsy "because I can so I do"
Arrghhh!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:34 p.m.+
Fukai2- the vomit in the rotten sea of words
darn I lost my entry. AGAIN. *curses*
So we skip the crap and go straight to...
RANDOMS!
Like...how long has it been since I let loose a long, meaningless diaherra of words?
FUCK YOU!
PS. If my classmates come here, I hope they know I hate them with a desperate dispassion and hopefully, they hate me back and ignore me for the year. YAY!
If you're new to the RANDOM system, it's pretty easy. I vomit/bastardize/interpret anything that strikes my fancy. And usually they become proper writing ideas much much much much much later.
Very much much.
----------
A whisper of an eerie melody
I stand; frozen; seductive and replusive
Horizon that stretches before me
Vertigo
Am I falling?
Vertigo
The walls sink too smoothly
Vertigo
-Close your eyes in order to see-
Calling over and over; you on the other side
Hands outstreched and reaching from the chasm
I want you too, I need you too, always. Forever
And a tear slides down my cheek
Vertigo
The beautiful womb
Vertigo
The eternal darkness
Vertigo
The sweetest embrace
-Why leave this world for the madness of outside-
The gravel crunches at my feet as I turn away from you
You and your beautifully illusion world
My fist clenches; unclenches
Tears blinding my eyes, I leave you
-a scream
-a howling wind
-a shattering
Bowing my head low as I step to the hard reality before me
----------
In a tropicana beach resort
I sat with my pina colada
Sipping and drinking in beautiful shaved girls
Hey God if you're listening did you know?
Hey God if you're listening do you hate me?
Hey God if you're listening what ya doin' now?
-Jesus ain't here-
-Jesus Christ on Rock'n'Roll-
He's got flowers in his hair
He's got hippies in following
He's got weed in his pocket; an angelic smile on face
He's got his ukele and singin' and singin'
-Jesus is here~-
-Jesus Christ on Rockin' Roll-
So no one's listening
So no one's hearing
So no one's picking up this phone call
'cos Jesus ain't here
He's got some R'n'R for Creation
Rockin' Roll.
If you're not familar. Randoms are randoms. Which means I can bastardize anything I like. AND interpret anything I like.
K, you don't believe me? Check p'dreams.
---dedicated to *certain* people----
Ablaze! Curtains! Marrionattes to play
The stage is set; and all's world a stage
Left wing, right wing all the same set
1 2 3 4 5
And let the curtain raise for all!
Come you all pretty faces
See the freakshow of this showbooth
See what you've done, all you fakers
Laughing merrily with a bomb ticking in your ass
Smiling as Jack rips open a bloody chest
You who created it, smiles
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
-Nobody's hell but mine-
Cry inside; all you magpie cryers.
Nay! Say! Why does doeth protest so much?
You who point fingers at me
-selfish-tactless-cretin-
Even though all you inside are dying
Even though all you inside are crying
You still smile every morning
You still go "GOOD MORNING"
Straight from the neighbourhood's Angel
What use is a smile when you're crying?
What use is a laugh when you're dying?
Pretensions. Fakes. Masks. Lies
Friendships born of Society
"I love You." "You Love Me!" "We love Everyone!"
-Nobody's hell but mine-
The bomb ticks on:
1 2 3 4 5
Inside, all inside
Cry when you feel like smiling
Die when you feel like laughing
Sucide when you feel like living
All your smiles have lost it's meaning
All your laughs have lost it's use
All living has no life for you
Don't love; because all you can do is fake it
Don't live; because all you can do is mask it
Don't smile; because all you can do is parody it
-Your hell is all your own-
KAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!
The grand finale exploding; all bloody mess and gore
Highschool shooters in making
Shoot it. Kill it. Explode it.
-blow it's head off like RASPBERRY JAM-
The audience wonders at the laughing mad you
Too late Too late and the gun points to your useless heart
BOOOM!
The audience claps, your heads rolls on the floor.
The curtain closes, ready for the next act to begin
-FuckYou-
Dedicated to my class of 1T08. The biggest bunch of fakers, class-spiriters, aimless relationmakers and SMILES! ^^v Who don't seem to see the importance of being true to yourself and your emotions. I choose to be mean, sulky and cranky in the morning. I choose to be human
PS. It's not I don't like you, it's just that well, I can't tolerate that. *shrugs* And people seem to think I'm being unintentionally rude/tactless. Never realized it might be -intentional- eh?
----------
The light of infinity stretches before me
A highway; a highroad, me in my backpack
Merciless sky, archingly impossible to behold
The light that shines from eternity
Each step to a new beginning
Each step to a new forgiving
Each step a painful healing
Each step a step to Mr. Brightside
Open arms; a voice I hear, words in my mind
A hope; just across the highway; the streetway
People calling your sick mind;
Jeers and taunts the price I pay
Destiny calls sweetly singing
Mr Brightside, where are you?
Look Up Look Around Look Behind Look Beside-
The backpack weighs light on my shoulders
A smile - true smile
A dash across the highway into open open arms
Mr Brightside~
open up my eager eyes
and let me see the heavens around me
Okay that was much nicer/goodfeeler than the one before.
-------------
That's it for tonight. I have to wake up at 5.30am tomorrow after all. And I really want an Edwards guitar T_____________T Gawd DeG don't break the guitars during concerts, if you don't want them you can just give them to *me* I'll take good care of them and not strum the bass to the point that the strap broke. Right. Lack of sleep makes me antsy
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:56 p.m.+
Aliens! Eee!
Listening to: Killers- Mr Brightside
Okay...where was I?
-----Friday (con'td)-------
Bought a big fat yellow pickle the size of a baseball bat in the supermarket. Pickles taste good *_____* And no, it's not a Fruedian slip. It's those superyummy crunchy yellow pickles they serve with soba or sushi.
Went online, talked to audy and zutto, planned to meet and slep.
-------Saturday-------
LTC-precamp training. *groans* My knees are aching, my feet is aching, my shoulders hurt, my head hurts and I can't sit down properly!!! *moves gingerly* Now I know what they mean by anal sex ow. >.<
Stupid bollocking exercise crazy humans.
My teammates aren't too bad really. 2 from astromony club, 1 canoeist, 1 drama and some other cca people. Kinda whacked if you ask me. Not bad.....as usual, I faked a birthday and lied that I didn't own an email account. Go me! :D Got really digustingly dirty and sweaty so I showered in school before meeting audy.
dead tired.
slept on the bus.
woke up thankfully 1 stop away.
All the cinemas were full!!!! Arrrghhh! Didn't bother checking Lido (looked crowded anyway), Cineleisure was sold out too, then at Plaza Singapore the queue was so long it snaked all the way to the arcade! Arrrghh! *sniffles* And I really really wanted to watch a movie too. Anything would do.
Nevermind. I'll watch it next week then.
Heyo, anyone up for a movie from 1st to 5th June?
I have free tix to Revenge of Sith too.
Went home, slept. Sorry I was so stoned on saturday, I was just too stoned. *sighs* Urgrghhh...must get out of this temprement. I'm just too tired.
-----Today----
No tuition. Went for shopping at the Big Sales. Bought a pair of shoes because mine are so old the sole is coming off and I haven't changed shoes for 3 years anyway. LOL. Bought'em cheap too, cos they were only -ish. Yay. Good. Cos I think after LTC my shoes will be too nasty to wear.
Bought Gundam for kor, doughnuts for sis and mom got herself a Tom Ford Austin handbag from Gucci. ^______________^ Issa pretty desu ne~ and the sales lady was so nice (or maybe cos we were spending so much money) but hell. I like Tom Ford's designs and he's leaving Gucci for YSL anyway so it can be considered an investment because it's from one of his last (and best methinks) collections.
Told my mom I wanted to have a gay son if I had kids. LOL. Would be cool ain't it?
:D :D :D
Okay I'm weird.
I'm having a hellva time laughing at bad_sex community on LJ. It's all Zutto's fault I swear! xD xD
Will be leaving for camp tomorrow.
Okay. Let's talk about something else.
------------------------------------
*dances*
*twirls*
*giggles*
*makes squeege noises*
feeling insane today, like seasides and cotton candy~ I'm happy I think~ cheese cream doughnuts rock. *ponders* An entire universe can be described by a doughnut. The oozy cream, the supersweet icing, the chewy sugar dough <3 And I'm addicted to pistachio icecream. My kind of heaven would be one with pistachio icecream and chocolate sauce with lots of pillows and bedsheets and awesome_sex and lots of books and people who talk books too!
Okay I'm weirdly moodswingly
Have to wake at 5.30am tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:27 p.m.+
discrate
Listening to: marmalade chainsaw.
Anyone else know the french story of Discrate? The 3 kids one? *nibbles lip thoughtfully* The problem with search engines is that they come up with all sorts of other things besides this. It's pretty sad, because I loved that story to death *___* almost as much as I fantasized about the Jade Chrysnethmum.
Anyway....
Event rundown
Friday
General Paper exam. General consenus is that everyone did badly, thus everyone did well. Why? Because exams are not to flunk you (so few people realize that) If everyone does badly, they'll automatically lower the average when drawing the bell curve. So as long as no smartass did *particularly* well, we'll all be okay ^__________^
I did crap for mine too *sighs*
I think....tired after a while.
Paper was 3hrs15mins long, after which we all headed down to Tiong Bahru for P5Camp training. 'Tis tiring and by the time it finished, my head was spinning. Walking unsteadily back, I decided to go buy some yellow pickles cos well, we had already finished the ones from the back. Bad move. Lights, people, noise =>super dizzy attack. If just now was spinning, now was a rollacoaster.
ehhhhh...gtg brother's home.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:43 p.m.+
Follow me~don't follow me~
Listening to: R.E.M - Orange Crush
How d'you like my neeeeeeeew layout?! <3<3<3 Lyrics by REM, Orange Crush. Why isn't it Electric Cucumber you ask? Because I say so. And because I've been humming this tune the whole day, lol.
The best part is that it doesn't really make sense, hah!
Tomorrow is the start of exams, and here's my timetable:
Fri,27thMay
-CLB 1200-1245
-GP 1315-1630
Fri,24thJun
-Lit 800-1000
Mon,27thJun
-CLBp2 800-1000
Tues,28thJun
-Econs 1300-1545
Thurs,30thJun
-Lit 800-930
Tues,5thJul
-CMath 800-1100
Oh yeah I need to print the PW stuff too. *sighs* My printer won't have any ink soon. Still vaguely annoyed at my classmates, and if they find my blog I'll just block their IP or something. Unlike some people, I'm not keen on having a high turnover rate, nor am I interested in having as much traffic as possible. I'm not advertising anything anyway. *points to previous post* I enjoy being intentionally rude, evil, misogynistic, paranoid at my classmates. Why? Because I have the right to. What right? 'Cos they aren't me.
But do my classmates have any logic?
Schemata *sighs* that's all they can percieve
Anyway, went Kino today, bought more books. Moonshadow which is a beautifully-made book that is almost better than Sandman, Mystery Play by Grant Morrison which touched lightly on philosophy and existance of God and Sonnets to Orpheus by Rilke ^^ Not bad buys, in particular, I adore Moonshadow. It's a very human book.....like alive and glowing and etheral at once. You almost can understand it, but you can't put words in it, like a soul understanding of text which can only capture the shadow of thought.
*heartfelt* so pretty.......
Like This Side of Paradise (Fritzgerald)....you think of laughing moonlight, cold whispery secretive wind and warm darkness and echoings of light. Silver light. And then a cascade of shining illumination that dances like the ringing of bells, so faintly familar yet strange at the same time. Elusive, delicate memories stirred inside the soul, not heart, not mind but almost as if you always knew but never could find a way to say it. Do you understand? The essence. If Fritzgerald taught me the dispersonalization of human isolation, Moonshadow teaches the essence of..of...fate? Of accpetance? I don't have the word for it.......but I -do- know.
Sometimes I wish that I could get over it...the overbearing heat of human vice and rise above in that kind of Blakean innocence. The kind of new innocence. Then the wind calls, sings and seranades but I can't join it because I'm still human. Always. Not just any wind, but the one that calls out and ripples through the mind like a waver....yurameki....tap-dancing on the window or teasing my hair and I always sink back to the mass of humanity. O Icarus! O dreamer! The delusional language of heaven that can't be spoken.
And you think of W.B.Yeats...
Who problably knew what it was:
The monstrous crying of wind!
Monstrous? Maybe. After all....is not every angel terrifying? [Jeder engel ist schrecklich]
And then I think about my wind the one of blue smoke and hard steel, the one of black velvet and torn silk, the one with secretive eyes and many faces, the one of cold kisses and warm embraces, the one whose voice rings with thunder and silver bells, the one with a touch softer than a cat's whisker and thoughts as mysteriously complex as the human heart.
how can't I not love it?
And every night and every day, I wait for it. My fickle lover of daydreams and nightmares......no matter when, no matter how much I destroy it, suppress it, only to destroy myself. I wonder at my addiction sometimes, to see things that are intangible and unreal. Maybe that's why I never get cured. Maybe I never want to stop being mad. Maybe that's why no matter how much psycharitic help I get they'll never disappear.
Because....I don't want them to.
If you were me, would you give them up?
The colours of octrine? The glimspes of heaven? The descents to hell?
It doesn't make me any better than another person
It doesn't make me rich, intelligent or brilliant
It gives me pain, heartache and things
And most of all.....it gives me -home-
cold cold slient night
cold cold windy night
the pool of water never wavers
reflecting the cold cold beauty of the moon
the wind whispers
divine wind; spiraling
-a flicker -a waver -a ripple
leaving behind moonshadow
It doesn't seem right...*points above* But I suppose it'll do. Almost like Silken Swift.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:46 p.m.+
