I'm obsessing and this can't be good.
I need a new layout.
To think.
And clear my thoughts.
Before the sunny weather drives me insane.
+tsu waited for you at 04:40 p.m.+
I feel like absolute crap.
my hands hurt, my arms are sore
and I reek of paint and linseed oil.
And my favourite HK drama just ended. ;_; NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ZHUOMING!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYY?
*has a bad feeling*
i dunno what to say anymore
except that i'm in pain
and i missed school on friday
because everything hurt so much
i feel so broken
and i really should stop this
stop stop stop
stop everything
stop being angry or end up like sichen
stop seeing gabriel or screw myself crazy
stop thinking and worrying and always being one ahead
because i don't know anything
i'm so scared one day i'll lose everything
like she did
i'm scared because i'm too willing to scarifice without thinking of people's feelings
banannas.
i'm just really tired.
and tired makes me spew overfunny things.
i glazed my painting for the first time
and then i thought about how important those people were to me
how precious those people were to the point that i painted it.
and even though they might not understand the gift, i love them very much. muchly muchly much. muchness.
much.
many muches.
much muches.
bleh.
sometimes i wish i wish i wish so hard for that someone that i think i'll be alone forever because i wish i wish so hard. sometimes i think i wish for revenge so much that i twist myself silly and realize i regret playing people so much.
learn learn learning
those lessons.
don't be late and check directions or you'll miss your girlfriend's flight. never expect too much or your heart will break. running away doesn't solve anything unless you want people to bring up how immature you are. hating your family makes you bitter and cynical and unhappy. if you can't love them, tolerate your family. there are always people who love you. even if they don't love you, objects and nature does. always trust the sky. never trust words. words are the biggest liars in the world.
learn learn learning.
i'm so exhausted i'm sleepy from painting.
it's those fumes.
kinda solved the gabriel thing
a little bit - with alicia
i 'po tein wa zhouk' (boil telephone porridge)
because i get really confused easily
people are so difficult.
so difficult and weird.
when painting i thought today of whatever that was - how long it took and finally came up with a title in like dir en grey lyrics. "C minor in keloid sky" ha. like a song. cos everything is a song. an eternal melody thing. patterns. arcs. colours. you taste it? it tastes like green.
i'm really tired from a combined 20 hours of painting in a week. i smell like paint and oil and all those things that smell like they're alive because oil is alive. it's living emotion pulled from your heart, spread on to canvas like pate, then grinded until you get the very essence of that feeling. you get it?
zetsubou.
zetsubou. zetsubou.
and also that feeling of nothingness.
nothingness is important.
i like nothingness.
it means that everything and nothing is important.
i wish i could tell you
so many things
about distance and feeling and skies and rain and sea
and the taste of salt and tears and ocean
and the smell of citrus and youth and vibrancy
and the feeling of skin and keys and intimacy
i wish i could
i don't know how
words lie
lie lie lie
i type but i don't commuicate
every word is a lie
trust only in action, not in words
black and white is a false divide.
i don't like words.
not true enough.
i wish i could tell you without words.
how much everything was.
how much everything is.
how much everything can be.
how much everything is wished for.
then you can say i'm silly and i'll say okie dokie cos i'm like that anyway.
love me
please love me?
i love you
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:55 p.m.+
Clare isn't good for me.
Or rather, I'm not good for me.
Restraint - should be added in my vocabulary.
Why why why why why
do I can't seem to stop provoking Gabriel for fun?
It's beyond normal.
I don't usually like other people's attention
nor do I particularly like conflict
It's so........mysterious.
It's so frikkin weird.
Gah I need to talk to someone.
Someone logical and unbiased.
Before I seriously consider more...drastic actions.
ah screw.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:42 a.m.+
I'm kinda tired
Juts emotionally drained
Feeling slightly sick and disorientated
It's the chocolatechip cookie syndrome.
All that's left is crumbs.
Eaten. Drained.
The daily grind.
static snowflakes
crash and burn noisily
in black white dazzles
each grind and each follow
each drift and each dirge
builds up
into empty
void
whiteout.
A peculiar blankness - like gauze over eyes, a sense of emptiness and nothingness. An indifferent craving. Pinklike, swirling exposures. A paper-cutout, a mache'd doll standing hollowly.
blank'ed by correction tape
who knows of the words that lie beneath?
Shutdown.
I just feel like I'm giving too much away without recuperating. It's not underappreciation, it's just that it's taxing my own personal resources. I'm not that strong that I can take on the burden of the world. Sometimes I just long to be taken care of for a change; someone to coddle me a bit, and say that everything will be okay.
take a holiday
inside the confines of your mind
within sweetest daydreams and wishful thoughts
of things
that has been, could'be been and even a simple
"maybe?"
Today wasn't really too bad. Started off with 2 lit tutorials in a shot - ended up sleeping at the last of Pauline Chua's and the first part of Fahy's. Woke up too groggy (but amazing! Still clearheaded enough to pickup Fahy's insults and suan him back) Went down, but didn't feel too well. Too noisy. Too crowded. Too wanting. Even meeting Gabriel didn't really make me feel as amused as usual because I was too tired to actually play up and entertain. Just wanted to curl up with someone warm and feel safe.
Just went back up to sleep it off.
Oh! I'm pretty happy over my GPmock results though, 35.5/50! =D Surprisingly didn't do too badly, I think because I'm actually more careful now (although still not merticulous enough) I think part of the problem is that I lack rigour. If I hit 35 and above for Essay I'll be okay I think, considering this was last year's A level paper. And I really did try to be exacting. Even if I'm not used to it.
the bells are turning round and round
a clockwork of monotones
perpetually incessantly tirelessly
moving
round and round
wearying cycles
of cogs and wheels
up and down and up and down
whittle
to nothingness
the motor stops.
screeched! - to a [ ]
halt.
[grease it with illusions]
An intense longing to connect - with someone, anyone, something. To love something.
put your toothbrush, there and there
put your hands on the sink, right and left
stare against the mirror
with widened eyes and parted lips
to touch
the cold glass and feel it real
do you recognize?
It's just that there are days that I don't feel strong or anything. However naturally optimistic I am, there are days I just want to be told that everything will be okay. That it'll end well.
the dunes are lonely
'neath cold stars
torn by desertstorms
that scatter
warm sands
over bleached cold bones
[maybe tonight you'll be warm]
Sometimes, I think the best metaphor is a nightmare wonderland of gloriously garish sights and bright vulgar carnivals of painted facades and whitefaces with gloved hands to hide dirty fingernails and shabby coats vividly bright with coloured patches and scars. Then it sets in, the music that moves like the hearbeat dumdumdum//dumdumdum as you wander into this amazingly beautiful and decaying labyrinthine wonderland.
An image:
alice alice dripped in blood
keloid marks your lambwhite arms
and fear lurks inside babyblue eyes
teach your hands to hold
press hand
and strangle the hurt away.
I think sometimes Jared/boys takes his teasing too far.
It hurt a little
Does he know? Does he care?
I'm just going to avoid him from now on
Waste time on people like this drains my energy
or maybe I'm just being oversensitive cos of today
my head hurts
it hurtsssssssss
like hurt hurt
it hurts so much i almost can't concentrate
shikata nai
what's the point of saying so much if nothing changes?
maybe tomorrow, i'll find my way
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:09 p.m.+
Listening to: X Japan
The wind feels wonderfully safe tonight.
*I* feel safe tonight.
Not the shades of deathly pink, or pulsating wombred - bloody rich and gory; instead the beautiful shades of aubergine. Aubergine. French. Think of kissable skies and bruised hearts and rainfalls that fall softer than a sigh. Each sigh, it seems, is breathed on to glass lighter than smoke, so clear and transparent you could almost pass through it with a warm palm only to find yourself retreating back where you came from.
I love aubergine skies.
They're so quietly melancholic - almost like a whisper
The night feels still.
Not expectant, but just peaceful and content.
Finished the first layer of overpaint. After a rough start which included spilling linseed all over the floor, using the wrong brush and being a total and absolute ditz - finally settled the colours and movement. The trick of painting is to Not Think. It's so weird you know? The more you think about it, the more you worry over placing and gradient and colour - the brushstrokes come out too forced and flat, and the colours seem to stand stark and unblended. It's like.....a difference. Like flat pools standing blindly on the canvas unconnected to the drawing or any other compoment. As though you were creating aspects which couldn't form a composition.
Total ditzyness today......ahaha...atmospheric indeed.
I can't help but feel a skin-prickle of the wind. It tastes like yurameki. The gentle caress of my favourite lover, soft and sweet and hard and dark with eyes the subltest shades of smoke and violet and grey and rose, lips like heated breaths and frozen sighs with skin so silky it runs like breeze falling through fingertips. Zephyr. I wish I could hug the sky and fall into it as though I was drowning into this deep blue. Even though I'm frightened sometimes by how much it can (and will!) demand - I'll love it forever.
Plus! It's a sign! That means September is coming *cheers*
^_________________^
September my blue darling - the one with chilly winds and indifferent skies who secretly chases the glorious colours of redgold autumn with heartfelt sighs of falling rain. aisuru ga suki
---------------
I got chocolate today!<3<3<3 Clare bought me these really lovely chocolate (the Mozart ones with red glinty wrapper) in return for helping her in art~~~~~ ahhh....she's so nice. (which begs the question - then why does she attract these awful people? seriously.) And then ganged up with Alicia talk about....who else?
Gabriel Tan Hong Chun lor.
(I wonder if this will turn up on google. must try.)
*hysterical giggles*
Apparently like..."hate is one step away from love" and that he's apparently "devoted" to me - except of course, he's devoted to trying to murder me in new and (not very) inventive ways. LOL. Hilarious. And yet again, free entertainment provided. On a more serious note, I problably should stop picking on him. But I can't help it! Shikata nai! It's just too amusing/funny/curious to see what'll happen next.
^________________^
*Aura = Positively Evil-Delighted Glee*
It's the vibes I swear
Or maybe even what'cha call it.....?
chemistry
muwhahahahahahahhaha
Though, I feel like a BRILLIANT GENIUS! 'cos apparently I was right (hah!) I feel like saying "I Told You So." but it's not very nice (the intention is there though xD). See, I got Clare to help me ask why he didn't like me, mainly because the answer he gave to Graham in march reeked of bullshit. Look, as a lit student, I can smell farcity from a mile away.
And I was right~ :D he really doesn't like people to like him.
I feel like xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
so immature huh?
Geniusity aside, it really made me smile.
Like a real smile.
A smile that remembers promises
A smile that remembers the others
A smile that remembers that things like this cannot happen because life isn't wishful thinking.
--------------
Wishful thinking.
Think about it.
Wishes.
Happiness.
Today I was just thinking that I'm really uncomfortable if what I want was placed before me and all I had to do was reach out and grab it. I think in some strange way, I'm frightened of happiness. Some child-part of me instinctively knows that happiness is like a transient dream of slow moving colours - colours of rainbow delights only to open your eyes and realize it's nothing but confetti and cheap glitter.
It's the realization that I never want to make.
I prefer kalaidescopes
Patterns, colours, fragments
don't see everything
and maybe the happiness will last.
But what if you're me?
And the spyglass is in your hand?
Will you risk a look-see?
.______.
bleh. Night-thoughts are distrubingly accurate.
Stop being so paranoid, tsu
trust people
most of all, trust yourself.
------------
sliently walking this last path together
autumnal leaves in windblown hysteria
-pause-
this
snapshot -
falls
to the ground
drift.
[memories that never let you cry]
------
tell the white wind
a secret
of kites and fantasy
a secret
to pause and playback
a secret
place
like time.
------------
drifts of skin
like clouds over wasteland
of flesh
of sinew
of bleached white bones
and feathery feathered eyes
float
above
a gauze of milkwhite
over blood of milkred
a wasted landscape of body
trapped in
itself
pour soi en soi
caught
in too much to love.
[show me your bloodied fingernails.]
-------------
Sometimes I scare myself.
I think the sometimes is now.
oh why oh why did I write that last one?
don't answer.
only yurameki knows.
because it's my nightmares that give me voice
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:54 a.m.+
Listening to: mental retunes of X Japan
I didn't actually get much sleep yesterday night.
Too busy mulling over what's been said, unsaid and should be said.
Bad habits come, like thinking in the dark.
When I walked into school (unthinking as usual), I heard something familiar; like a burst, a strain of music, a forgotten tune so special I almost started to cry because it touched so deeply. Someone was playing Crucify my Love. At that very second, it seemed like everything was both then and now and future too - all the Leareth-mess in sec2, the Yoshiki, .......the promise that I made to the sky was brought so immediately, so concretely, so deeply moving.
It was a moment completely epoused.
It felt so short, but so infinite
Is that what they call transcendence?
I don't really know how to place it in words; the painful heartache, the overwhelming familiarity, the suddenness of joy - happiness so brightly bubbling like champange that spilled over like meaningless euphoric sounds unintelligable to anyone else but myself. Music. Like a gift stirring long forgotten impluses and happiness, lyrics that moved inside the soul without effort:crucify my love//if my love is blind//crucify my love//if it sets me free//never know//never trust// that love should be a colour//crucify my love//if it should be the way
I didn't even think
A flood literally consumed:
Memories of a 10 year old self practicing writing and afraid to post, then finally clicking on to FF.net; defiantly emo (hah!) prone to Evangelion fixiations, Gundam obsession and a definite inclination towards the seedier, less desirable traits of humanity? (gawd i was a horny 10 year old.)
then another, a snapshot of a 14 year old self fooling around on IRC till 2am in the morning, talking to #UWAnime - all the old people whom I have lost contact with (except for eat and GA), the mess, the drama, the anger......the vividness that stains like a violent flower. How this blog got started - a beginning? the terrible hurt, the betrayal, the humiliation. Drifts of another person with another name, the secret self - the quiet. the dark. the lonely. Then Sanzo-ikkou, the foolishness that goes: "do you remember the time I chased you all over the school determined to put peanut butter in your hair?" The twist and the bends, the rebound complete with terribly melodramatic tactics and finally-- finally.....
gone.
and i lived.
and i was determined to live.
So there came the promise of a new life; audy, sak, rose, neko who still remained - the Osaka lives, the Jrock songs in school (remember when we "baptised" the classroom by playing Illuminati?), the Yoshiki-Is-Impotent! jokes, the Leather pants, the hyperistic high-strung behaviour and the sheer trauma of it all.
It just struck me there and then;
that the most important feeling was the longing
The -ache- of being there
To promise to the sky: "One day I'll reach you"
And earn the freedom that I wanted - still want
that was what it meant.
That song. Those songs. Yoshiki
In a way, it seemed to be telling me.....how could I have forgotten? It was L.A! It was Yoshiki! It was the songs, the music, the promises, the hope, the Japan - our utopia. The dream. How could I have forgotten? Or perhaps - did we all forget when we all left one by one?
Perhaps you know, it's best that people change.
That dreams don't remain fixed in stone
That people leave you in search of other dreams
but for me
for myself
just me - not audy, not sak, not sis
i'll stay by it.
because at the very second that audy took that bus on that road on that day (which to my death, i will never forget) - nothing was there for me to live for. Nothing. And then through the tears the only thing that came was the beautiful, magical sky.
is that all?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:19 p.m.+
Listening to: Ali Project - Waterdrop
I am in a bloody bouncy mood for 11pm in the night lol.
Dragged my painting, toolbox, file etc to school only to realize that WE HAVE NO ART. *dies* You know how awful it is? I was carrying a hugeass painting and a box full of turpentine, liquid oil, brushes, palette knives, paint and all the stuff ONLY TO FIND OUT WE HAVE NO ART CLASS. Argh I hate that woman. HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEE??? T_T you know, I even woke up a little earlier to pack everything in.
I woke up earlier. Such a sacrifice!
*feels unappreciated*
Econs mock wasn't so bad. Mainly because for the first time I feel like I knew how to do the MCQ - I could sort-of reason the answer out. The only jinxer was the DRQ. Why why why do labour market and MRP theory? So crappy. I could only do why the MRP theory wasn't valid (the "however" bits) but not the why it was valid part. Crapstixxors. Only later then I realized that it was cos the MR of each industry is different and thus, that's why people get different wages! Crap crappy crapness.
Went for lunch with Angel, Angie, Graham, Alex P. and Jared. Jared was so mean T_T he said I looked like Ms Giam! I'm so insulted it's not even funny anymore (and I even gave him birthday present *pout*) I'm happy they helped me carry stuff though - I really can't carry a toolbox and a painting at the same time without feeling like a doofus. Shared a cab back with Graham cos we were both feeling lazy and tired and well........lazy. I believe we're the laziest people in class (next to Jiaxiang and Glen) cos we routinely never hand up work and ALWAYS take a cab back from tuition. Ahahahaha....Lazyness rules!
Watched Ouran 18 - I'm so sad they made Chika slightly more burnette than blond, and he didn't "cheep!cheep!" in the end either. Plus no Satoshi! Waiiii~ Ah well, at least I have Hani-sempai! =D
-----------
omoshiroi
*tries doing it with a Gackt accent*
*falls over laughing*
I'm still kinda amused over all this relationship stuff. Sometimes I have this mental picture that if anyone tried to say something ie. "boku no sukina tsu-chan deshou" or something like that I will just BURST INTO HYSTERICAL GIGGLES. Like *gasp*aahahha*gasp**fallover* laughter. I can't seem to take romance seriously. I like people, I even love some of them (audy!lovelove!sakky!love!ayalove!)and I routinely proclaim my adoration for all special people in my life but I can't seem to take the concept of romance seriously. It makes me want to just.....dissolve into giggles.
which makes me wonder, during sex - am I going to laugh at the guy's weenie? AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ahahaha.....Just need to grow up?
-----------------
I am addicted to Tactics.
Like addicted
I love the fandom (however non-existent it is)
Just cause it's just so darn PRETTY!
It just makes me want to sigh and give sparkles and write Tactics fics
I mean it's really sad when you realize that the only way to satisfy your OTP desires is to go write your own. It's not like Gundam Wing where any 10 year old with a FF.net account can write HeeroxDuo (or more conviently known, 1 x 2) fics.
Still alarmingly genki though, but getting sleepy
Sleepy + genki = ?
----------
Ahahahaha....just thought of it.
Why not tulips?
why not indeed?
Life is so gloriously funny that even at worst times, there's always something about meaning to it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:58 p.m.+
Listening to: Peony Pink
First off, some Econs formula:
k = 1/mps = 1/1-mpc = changeNY/changeAE
This also applies to anything that affects AE function
The problem with Econs is that it's actually one of the few *useful* subjects that we learn. Since it's so bloody useful, I feel like I have to do myself justice and learn it properly, so that y'know.....I can be efficent. Had tuition today, then read through my photocopied essays, DRQ answers and that CJC Prelim MCQ book. It's times like these I'm glad I amassed a rather large collection of notes, essays and answers - not to mention having done 9/16 Prelim MCQs from other schools.
Dinner at grandma's (maternal) had a pretty good dinner even though I had over 10 bars of minichocolate's at the tuition centre. Tuition is great for snacking. Between Joce and myself, we managed to demolish 1 jar of chocolates. Like whoa right? At the same time, 4 packets of Twisters, 3 cups of tea and 2 packets of biscuits. Amazing huh? 15mins later and I managed to finish 1 bowl of rice with veg+soup+fish AND eat dessert.
Apparently, studying is a lot like running a marathon
No wonder I'm losing weight without moving a muscle
It's the A-level effect I tell you.
-----------------
Talked to Rachel Koh about July/August.....Apparently, she agrees with me. It's the moon I swear. It's not just the moon, it's the sky and the wind and the taste of salt and laughter and dirty rain. But you know - at least she knows the moon. That enough, is for me.
It doesn't stop me from being frightened like crazy though.
I'm twitchier and crankier than a scrooge
I can't wait for August to end
red august moon croons
to a dying end
then comes soft rains
for a blue september
-------------------
Watched my chinese TV show (dunno what's it called). Anyway it airs on Saturday and Sunday at 7pm. The whole point of the show isn't very important (HK soap = OHHH! drama). The usual money, ambition, familystabbing, murdersome etc etc....the whole point is that Charles (Zhongming) is REALLY HOT. He looks like a blur!Kaoru. ZOMG SO CUTE. He's so cute even my sis and mom agree that he's cute. If he really migrates to Canada in the show, I'll just stop watching it cos he's like THE REASON why I watch it.
*sighs happily*
He's so cute!
Frameless glasses, cute hair, business suit and sweet smile~
^-^
I'm kinda hoping since the IMF (International Monetary Fund) is being hosted in SG there will be MANY MANY hot bankers. Tall, business-types with neatly trimmed hair, frameless glasses, snappy laptops and look like Tatsumi. I have half a mind to like wander in Orchard road hoping that some (hawt) banker will be asking for directions. Unfortunately, my tuition teacher has been dampening my spirits by saying that these guys are old fogies who are "fat, short and balding"
;_________;
n000000! don't destroy my illusions of cute seme bankers!
I shall be sad and cry~~~~~~~~~!
On a side note, Japanese bankers near Shinjuku-koen are REALLY REALLY hot. I would so totally go for them if not for the fact that they're 1. chauvinistic 2. egocentric 3. ethnocentric 4.fetishitic 5.repressed PIGS. I mean seriously, go Japan and take a good look at Shinjuku. The guys are so hot they make Singaporean men look like leftovers. Actually, Singaporean men are a special breed. They're so hot that they make me wish I was lesbian *sarcasm*
Some updates on yaoi_daily. I'm okay with the new stuff - but I really really miss my Junjyou Romantica. Whenever I read it, I feel like Hiro-san. Literature-retentive, clingy obsessed, usually on denial, love-hate avoidant personality on a constant moodswing? ZOMG I COULD BE HIM. (except: no smex, and not as cute =P) I can totally understand what you're going through. In fact, I've problably done that myself
It's the You-Don't-Love-Me-I-Think-But-I-Do-But-I'm-Not-Going-To-Admit-It-Till-You-Say-It-First
Which I tend to drive myself (and my friends, family and whatnots) crazy.
Some quizzes for fun:
You scored as XIII: Death. Death is probably the most well known Tarot card - and also the most misunderstood. Most Tarot novices would consider Death to be a bad card, especially given its connection with the number thirteen. In fact this card rarely indicates literal death.Without "death" there can be no change, only eventual stagnation. The "death" of the child allows for the "birth" of the adult. This change is not always easy. The appearance of Death in a Tarot reading can indicate pain and short term loss, however it also represents hope for a new future.
II - The High Priestess | 94% | ||
XIII: Death | 94% | ||
IV - The Emperor | 81% | ||
III - The Empress | 81% | ||
VIII - Strength | 75% | ||
XVI: The Tower | 69% | ||
XI: Justice | 63% | ||
XIX: The Sun | 63% | ||
0 - The Fool | 56% | ||
XV: The Devil | 50% | ||
X - Wheel of Fortune | 50% | ||
I - Magician | 44% | ||
VI: The Lovers | 25% |
Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com
If you notice, I got High Priestress and Death as a tie
Ahahahhahahahahaha....
Piscean traits showing maybe?
who knows?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:47 p.m.+
Listening to: Special K - Placebo
Mom's been really grounchy lately. Hot days = hot tempers. In fact, it's been said that 98 farenheit is the prime time for killing people. Too hot and the heat just makes people tired, too cold and they usually rationalize the anger away.
Went to Holland Village to buy measuring tape and cafe de chocolat for Kero. Then stopped by the market to check out the shoes. ZOMG SAKKY THEY'RE REALLY 4 INCHES HIGH! WE WILL TOWER OVER EVERYONE!!! WE PWNNAGE j00 ALL!!!!!!!! *dances* I mean it's not the greatest in the world, but it's $20 for a pair of shoes which look kinda punkish (but we can fix it! spray paint! applique! lace! ribbon!) Plus it's matte black, which is nicer than that shiny enamel stuff (imho.)
Watched some TV, then ate dead cows (yay! my cow craving is over!) and baked a cake. I love almond cakes. I mean not cakes with real nuts in them, but almond cakes as those made with almond meal. They have a nice rich flavour, naturally moist and need very little butter (75g only! woah!) and the entire kitchen just smells so lovely.
Oh! and we made blue almond jelly today.
Ahahahaha....finding Nemo logan almond jelly!
So whacked.
The food colouring ended up inside the syrup too, so now everything except the logans are blue.
So cool =D
Blue blue blueeeeeeeeee
Anyway need to finish some Econs homework
Tomorrow have tuition, come Monday it's mockEcons
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:20 a.m.+
I'm vaguely annoyed at the lack of HaruKan fics. Vaguely. Almost enough to indulge in writing some of my own.
Drew for the school publication today, renamed all my files, burned most of my movies (except for Grave of Fireflies, cos I want to watch it again). Very productive. My knees are sore again, and hate being a girl sometimes :x No use complaining. Anyway, it was a pretty good day.
Read more Levitt, decided to maintain commonsense by ignoring insistent calls to go outside and generally pretending that "yeah, the sky doesn't exist".
I really want to paint though
patience
Come Monday, I will
yeah okay I'm just lazy :P
Tomorrow I go buy cows
dead cows
yum yum yum cows
moo moo moooooooooooo
love
cow-lurving tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:57 a.m.+
staring at the goldfish bowl
unblinking shades of shimmering yellow
into castles of neonplastic and air bubbles
carrying the ships of dreamed delights
crowded with seaweed lovers and kisses tonight
the circles swim inside, the glass that blurs
from water-refracted light
you said to me, as I -
bloop bloop
and you swam away
tell me if it's for sure
tell me there's no need to fight
[won't you try to find me?]
[all my life asailing]
white colours, red colours, black colours of the sea
----------------
from farthest shores
and barren lakes
of withered wheat and broken hands
bent formed bones;
sandstorms, nightmares, ghostwinds and hate
that tore bodies asunder, feet in distance to steps
step-by-step
get on
[rip]
walking for the percipeice
the edge where the sky melted to earth
to raise your arms
at World's End.
[ripped]
----------------
uninvited
was you
the denial that came after
and regrets
whatever it was - tulips
were meant for you.
----------------
the unwelcoming sky
holds me in judgement
in the pale merciless moon
of bare grey and deadly white
a mouth gasped in screams
frozen shipwrecks of deaden seas
admist clouds of fatal grey
oh moon!
I hold my hand infront of your jaded eyes
and the knife that stabs through
with blood dripping on your cold throne
a sacrifice
let me forget once again
and slip into the nothingness that lies in your sweet nights
of
dream
-----------
cold
I lay naked and curled
a sepulchure of skin and bone
of soul dying inside
a fetus of hollowness
with scum sewn lips
to hold it slient
and the dark madonna
that rocks it to sleep with blood dipped lips
-----------
help audy i'm scared again.
please come online please please
------------
the rain comes
quick, dirty and dry
alley-sex in the sky
of scarlet flowers and sickly pollen
too sweet, too metallic - fatalistic perfume
of red sin
reflowering rain
-------------------
i am sick. but apparently, the sicker i am, the more people like me. ahahahha. what did kiekegaard say? a poet is one whose tortured screams are music. i'm no poet, so all i can do is make nice sounding S/M whimpers. mweep.
remember the advice last year?
don't look at windows.
i miss my sky.
please end soon august.
give me my september.
ice blue is preferable to this.
-----------
yellow jukeboxes swim
in stickers of pinkneon hearts
"I love City." so cruel
the plastic style that changes like
traffic lights and carbon monoxide
the salt in the air, the polluted clouds
skyscrapers pierce dreams into bubblebust
drifting scraps floating
in lonely blues
to every man below
[newspaper love ad]
[tell me it's not heartbreak tonight]
on my knees, I tell you
love me too?
---------
I sit here, plugged into Morning Musume in hopes of regaining sanity with MTV playing on - some namelessly happy DJ with his arms akimbo as he tries so hard to connect from the fuzz of static and the swirl of pixelated plasticity. Christina Aguilera's mouth is a bright saturated gloss of mute noiselessness by the mute control.
I sit. I stare. I do not move.
The faces pressed on glass do not exist.
My feet curl up on the chair, soles pressed against the twill of cushioned seat - far far away from the cold, dangerous floor. If I touch it I might die. Nameless horror, fear.....an unknowning quality. The doors are closed. The windows are drawn shut - the only air comes from the fan that blows behind. I fear the wind.
Ghostwind is dangerous.
Nightmares that stem from guilt and regrets - I'll rather stay frying in my t-shirt and shorts than open the window. It's not safe, although I can't explain why. Sometimes I think they come to me because they can sense the fear that reeking from my prespiration, the horror that I feel - recoil recoil recoil
replusion.
Nightmares live on the darkside of the moon.
Like umbra, the word mare refers to the dark craters of the moon.
All nightmares come from the moon
Not the mother, the judge
The one who looks emotionless
be it death, life or destruction.
I'm scared.
Of dying.
Of her cold, white hands around my neck.
The moon tonight is not my mother.
----------
To feel like you shouldn't exist
is a very fragile and hollow feeling
I wish rachel koh was here
or maybe not
we might scare each other shitless
:x
I hate August/July
Nothing against people born then
It just drives me up the wrong way
pleasesavemetonight
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:29 p.m.+
Listening to: Mr James' stupid Bali CD looping through my brain
The problem with going to the studio all the time is that Mr James has the habit of sticking in a CD and looping it for the entire week. And it sticks. It's addictive enough that it lulls you into humming it as well, and singing the nonsense lyrics. Like the whole dudu-dut-dududax2 According to the CD it claims to be "balinese" but honest to God, no Indonesia speaks like that - the national language is Bhasa Malaya, not french-sounding nonsense.
Anyway, here's a pic of the WIP
PIC
Yes I know it's green and too dark
Sorry 'bout that, my camera doesn't capture it very well
I'm just glad the underpainting is now done. Technically, it means I'm 1/3 through. It's not underpainting that worries me though, it's the oils and imprimatua (glazing) that does. Oils by itself takes 3 days minium to dry, and glazing is 5 days. Which means however much I would like to paint wet-on-dry I can't due to time contraints. The problem with NOT being able to wet-on-dry is that sometimes the colour tends to mud - and I'm using highly contrasting colours too.
Imagine if you can:
Black/dark geen parts in cerulean/prussian blue
White parts in Chrome yellow/cadmium yellow
Ground in greyblue/prussian blue
Umbrella in scarlet alizarin/geranium
The biggest problem is the blues and yellows. If I don't wait for it to dry completely, I'll get a horrible green which would be very hard to get rid of. Scraping, while wonderful, will never totally get the shit off if I did it when it wasn't dry.
What I can do however, is paint the prussian and cerulean in, then paint in the ground instead of painting the rest of the sky. It'll save enough time, and I'm pretty fast worker when it comes to painting solids. The feathering can be done with a nice big fan brush and with very dry paint. Then I'll glaze it with stand oil mixed with very little paint.
If I gauge it correctly, I'll *just* make it on time.
Consider the drying and all.
If I don't have enough time to glaze everything, I'll glaze the sky, and varnish the bustop and umbrella
----------
Borrowed Mr Jame's Kiekegaard and Art Spirit again, I have half a mind to try abstraction next year. After I'm done with A levels, I'm gonna paint my tulips. Why tulips? Because I really love them~ they're the kind of flowers I'll give to someone I don't know but love.
The echoey, distant kind.
Anyway finding a colour scheme was such a pain. The only way round it is really reading books. I thought of a blue/grey/green or a cyan/lime/red - even a lime/red/viridan. In the end, it was cyan/teal/red or cyan/chrome/red. I picked the latter - mostly cos of Kiekegaard. Originally I was painting because of him anyway.
despair is the universal sickness of man
I remember thinking that how close his philosophy was to mine, that laughter was indeed the thing to be pursued, that "interesting" or rather, eternal amusement was comfortingly distant and safe at the same time. On the other hand, I don't accept it in all totality simply because to do so is to alienate yourself FROM the very pleasures of liviing. Like the art of forgetting, recollection is one way to make it more pleasurable. In the same way, the art of amusement while pleasurable as well, needs to be tempered by friendships and other alarming things so that you can bore yourself and interest others.
Ahahahaha....that was such a convuluted sentance.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:19 p.m.+
If you've ever felt disheartened studying JC in Singapore, consider this:
Scores for the 3rd Science and Math International Study
At age 16, MATH
Singapore (1st) scores at 605
Japan (5th) scores at 570
US (15th) scores at 504
Worldwide average score: 466
At age 16, SCIENCE
Singapore (1st) scores at 578
Japan (6th) scores at 552
US (8th) scores at 527
Worldwide average score: ---
Conclusion: Those people who said we can't make it to US/Japanese Universities should die a horrible, painful death for overworking us to death.
Seriously.
Mind you, these statistics aren't taken from like....the top schools or something. It's measured by the difficulty of syllabus against the percentage of passes. Technically, all of us should move to US and become geniuses.
------------------
Much slackering today.
Woke up with sis asking for instructions on how to buy Gouk from closet child o.O
Kinda amazing huh?
Lunch'ed, met up with Sak in Kino at 3.30/4pm realized it was too crowded then went to Liang Court Kino instead. Yay! No queue! Plus I got a new notebook too cos my old one is absolutely filled.
Had adzuki icecream, bought mushrooms for sis and walked around until Sak's okaa came.ZOMG the candy section is muchly loved~<3
am sleepy and tired now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:54 a.m.+
Listening to: Treno
Yesterday it rained.
So terrifying.
Red sky rolling and temptesteous, angry clouds clustered like hands wrenched in agonized motions and this.....wind. Wind that smelt like death and smoke and ashes that conjured up this nameless consuming fear. I wasn't scared - I literally felt like I was going to die. That was how frightened I was. It wasn't normal. It wasn't natural - this rain. It smelt like burnt flowers and metallic blood, of all alien and awful things which didn't have a name or sound or description....just a deep, consuming fear.
I really really freaked.
The moment audy stopped replying I switched off the comp and ran
Then when the door started to open by itself and the wind blew all the laundry and photographs down and I heard crashes - I screamed and jumped on to bed (and on to my mom)
Needless to say, my mom (wonderfully practical woman she is) told me I was an absolute idiot.
I know you'll laugh at me
Most do......
But you're not me
The scariest thing about that night was someone singing.
Someone was singing this song - a little girl's voice
With lyrics that I could actually hear
(although I tried very hard not to and pinched myself at least 3 times)
And she won't stop singing.
Somehow, even with the thunder and rain I could hear it
A bell-like melody that sounded like a whispered lullaby
Her voice was beautiful, but it was horrible
I'm not going to talk about it okay?
I just don't want to think of it anymore.
---------------------
Watching the Keane video gives me motion sickness :x
Anyway~ Skipped school today for art. 6 hours. 1 session from 10am to 1pm, then another from 7pm to 10pm. Started with perspectives (which took about 1.5 hours) then washed the sky with Hooker's Green (natural dark green, about 2 shades darker than Sap Green). Ground was washed with a mixture of brown, yellow and crimson to give a nice, ochre-tone.
Got home, talked to sis, K.O'ed then woke up with a realization: Holy CowsBazooba! My colour scheme is eff'ed!
Think about it:
Green + Light brown + Red
What kind of *AWFUL* colour scheme is that?
Thankfully since it's opaque paint, it wasn't hard to cover over the mistakes. I realize though, that mixing tempra with arcylic slows the drying speed of arcylic and makes it smoother and flowier than usual sticky mix. Plus it makes it a little more transparent, which works wonderfully for gradiating paint.
1.54 am shoutout to sis: OI! SIS! I SAW GOUK JACKETS GOING AT $54 ! PLS GO CHECK CLOSET CHILD.
Went over the ochre with green, then mixed white for the sky. ZOMG IT LOOKS LIKE SKY NOW. I'm very happy cos apparently Mr James said my skies really look like skies, even though I did it without a photo reference. Apparently, looking at the sky every day does that to you.
I'm just tired I guess
Not particularly keen on doing anything
My knees are sore from standing 6 hrs
*sighs*
--------------
after the dark
said you to me
close your eyes
and awaken
to the death in paradise
Sometimes, I think the truest lover is none but death :x Lik e the form and shape and darkness that sculpts from life, like the immortal eyes and infinite blue coldness, like the void that ends rising into darknes......
It's not just being tired physically anymore, I think I'm emotionally drained from trying to be someone else. That's why I don't believe when people tell me it's a facade - facades can't keep up. It requires self-discipline, skill and most of all - energy. It takes a lot of energy to pretend to be someone else. The trick is, to keep something real in it - so that it melds in and doesn't require so much effort. Danger being that you'll eventually lose yourself and be absorbed by falsities. But nothing is perfect anyway.
tip toe moon
step softly on clouds
a twirl, a spin - one luminious glow
each footstep that brings
soft sweet slivery dreams
I kinda want to talk and not at the same time; talk about Alice and Queens; Cabbages and Spinach and Kings. I think how terrible awful it must be to be unable to speak - sometimes I feel like that too. Inarticulate. Slient. Wordless. As though I'm grasping on shifting sands and windstorms to capture the fleeting thoughts, only to find the barest shadow of a wordprint. So lost.
words hang stagnant
rocks upon wrists
weight upon tongue
drowning into
a river of dumbed responses
Whatever.
kouto ni kushou yueni kodoku koudou
WordplayLOL.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:10 a.m.+
Listening to: shizukana hibi kana wo
GP was a screw-up in the funniest sense. Perhaps, the weather may be blamed for our atrociously OOB behaviour. Some excerpts? "the Singapore media appreciates the art of losing gracefully" (Angie's essay) "Medical science has long be touted as the mircale worker akin to Christ which can not only cure your physical aliments with plastic surgery, but also your mental ones with Prozac".
Message: We are So Screwed
It's either Fahy's satire, or our crankyness - but whatever it is; the essays today were caustic, sarcastic and acidic. I don't know why it happened either. I planned my essay for a change, did a nice Science-y question ("As medical science is so sucessful, people expect too much from it." Discuss) and wrote out points in a systematic manner. What happened? What went wrong? Where did my essay planning go?
washing down down down the drain
sploosh.
The comprehension was a different sort of evil, it wasn't the problem of restraint - but rather, it was a problem of uncomprehension. The passage was understandable, but the questions were insane! "What contriversal claims does the author make and what words does he use to suggest open mindedness?" W.T.F. Insanity! On the same note, I really hope that all science students get fucked up on it too because I'm sure *my* ass will get reamed.
Everything in moderation, as they always say.
Good, cos I think I'll really need it.
Anyway, went home and slacked with sis. Maggi mee is so delightful after weeks and weeks of school food. Really. Those people who finish school early can never appreciate what we go through. And I'm never eating crispy noodles ever again..........I spilled the sauce on my skirt! :x so irritating. YTF all the way. Planned for tomorrow (bring canvas, pack brushes etc etc) then called up Mr James to see if there's any space for me.
---------
I hate to whine, but looking at those HK girls who can affort Moite sleepingwear(!!!!!!!!!!) really really really........makes me wish my dad was more of the Paris Hilton kind. As in splurge. It's not like he isn't generous when it wants to be (note: wants to be), it's just that I've been working in his company for the last 8 years and all I've had was $5 pay increments. So much so that I can't even buy a pair of socks from BTSSB.
And here these HK girls are, buying $700 moite sleepingwear
*grumblescrankywhine*
Bleh.
Then again, even if he bought it I can't wear it anyway. Don't have a 23" waist, LOL.
On the same note, I find it kinda amazing that she is a Real Life Lolita. As in totally Momoko. Check out her Moite/VM/MM collection - it's amazing. It's mind-boggling how someone can spend so much just by her *allowance* though.
I mean, as much as I love dressing like a lolita
Even if I had that kind of money, I'm too much of a tightfist
The idea of dropping $700 on a dress is frankly scary
However, I can't really say I envy her. She has the dresses, the connections (dining with the heads of China on your bf's arm? too cool), the money and the looks (typical socialite heh.) - but I like my life.
I mean I whine about it (hell yeah) but it's natural to be discontented - after all, if we're ever fully contented there's no challenge in that. I love my family and friends - I even love the fact that sometimes I find them annoying, cause it shows that hey! we're not clones. At the end of the day, that's what really matters. It's not wanting things you can't have, but appreciating blessings already there.
Like the sky.
What a glorious gift that the sun shines a different shade every morning.
Anyway I'm sappy and incoherent~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:52 p.m.+
Moschino n'est pas un style, c'est un pastiche! - Karl Largerfield
The night before GPmock and I give up, watch MTV and my HK soapopera and skim through Moschino's RTW lines from 2000. I feel sorry for the guy. You - enfant terrible of the Italian bridage would feel horrified at the sheer - boringness and un-chic of your RTW line helmed by your pal. No funky "I am a Fashion Victim" wheelchair and vampires. No more minnie mouse dresses or fake chanel suits (tribute to Thais/Chinese perhaps?). No more ironic Maguritte inspired twists (like your fried egg demin skirt. Way cool.)
I'm almost heartbroken...
No more I love love?
In any case, I really hope tomorrow's questions I can write about fashion or SuperRich Celeb dogs ala MTV VH1.
----------
I know it sounds really strange to others when they realize I want to be a fashion designer. Most people automatically assume that you love doing what you're best at or you emphasize the talents God gives you. Like the way Mrs Sng is eternally frustrated at me simply because she doesn't understand why I have no ambitions to be a writer or politican or lawyer. She's frustrated, and that's why she yells so much. But when I look at her - I don't see her, I see her LV bag.
It's not just rich taitais I want to dress, I want to dress normal people too. People with big arms and small boobs. People with chunky thighs and bad skin. People with celluite and too short to wear evening gowns. Why should only models in size2 feel beautiful? Why shouldn't everyone feel beautiful? Why not?
If I can - I would love to help people express themselves. Maybe they're feeling sad today, and wearing black just doesn't do it. Maybe they want a warm snuggly black jacket with cream piping and buttons that look like soupbowls. I'll be there. To make that jacket. To help them show that they are sad to the rest of the people. And that even if they're sad, they can be beautiful too.
It's like.........If Alexander McQueen can use old women as his models on runway, I can also do that. Even better - I can make them smile and look beautiful.
Why so important though?
Why all this emphasis on superficality?
Doesn't it make you sick?
Is it really though? So superfical. But if image is now everything in the modern world - then doesn't it become real? The soul, the essence that manifests through different layers of sheer facades, the closest commuication that we can have with another...........they're not written. They're visual. And it's so powerful.
Imagine.
If I can send out 100 shirts to every taitai to buy
with a message: "étant chic - pastiche riche"
Or something along those lines
maybe it'll make a difference
another dollar to charity
another interest in a new cause
another person concerned
who knows?
being chic - pastiche rich
[pastiche] here being defined as "hodgepodge of imitations" although the "satirize" meaning works as well.
So why do people look down on me when I say I want to be a fashion designer? Do they think I need to be French, Italian or Japanese to do so? Or maybe my surname doesn't sound cool on an overexpensive handbag? Y'know...the ring of Louis Vuitton or Hermes. Or maybe cos they think all JC people should be doctors, lawyers or engineers so that We Can Build A Better Future for Singapore and Make Govt.Bots Happy.
Remember: pastiche
It applies to everything - everyone - else.
Even for some, they're own souls.
So funny right?
I always thought that those who said Singapore lacks inspiration should go shoot themselves.
I mean - look at the people here! Aren't they funny? Aren't they hilarious? Aren't they all imitations of someone they dearly want to be? Aren't we all? Look at the sweet girls in their sphagetti-tops and dyed brown hair rebond. Look at the wannabepunks with their emblazoned jackets, ripped jeans and short cropped hair with streakypink all mostly from LaSalle. Look! Look! Look!
You know, when audy said "merciless sky" to me
I thought of this
And I thought:
I will dedicate it to you and all of us.
See? That is fashion.
And exactly where I want to be.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:32 a.m.+
| You Are An INFP |
|
The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. |
+tsu waited for you at 01:15 p.m.+
*This was to be posted yesterday, but got D/Ced.
Listening to: Apres le Noir
for sak~ because i wanted to be with you instead:
ma cherie
in starry dingle we lie
with clasped hands and washed moon skin
watching as the sky goes by
ma cherie
the light - this luminerie
dreams of lullaby whispered
so softly that word.....
[je'tamie]
and so you said so
Today was rather regretful. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I kinda wished I was with sak. I just feel weirdly uncomfortable. Not enough to show, but enough to make me rattled and overly talkative.
again, again
the waltz swings this way
and that-
1-2-3 says heart
the beat that skips
the songs that move
of skirts flying and flowers cascading
but even if this night ends
again, again
the waltz will begin
and fall in love all over
again
for audy~ cos she's always special~
It's a strange sensation for me to be around some people when they have no landscapes. It's even stranger when it's someone I promised to be with. The strangest part of it being that it's not inherent evilness (which is why I feel so bad for saying) - but rather the soulessness that distrubs me. Yes my former half, I share your sentiments (and you know mine too)
I loved the movie though. Hard Candy is more of an intellectual engagement than an actual emotional valve. It's the kind of movie that reminds me of mental sums - something that doesn't move me emotionally, but intellectually satisfying. I can appreciate how the camera shifts from clear to blur, how the frame of shot captures the 'victim' face and a hand, leg or arm of the 'captor' (I use the terms very loosely). I love the lighting, the yellow tinted opening to the smooth wolfish blues and the red tints. The motions of the camera that kept suspense, the catasrosphobic filimg (I was almost motionsick) and the gorgeouse red riding imagery. All this I appreciate, but not nessescarily connect.
Very well executed. Personal ranking: 4/5 stars
I negate one for not letting the audience connect with Jeff enough. Plus the ending was a bit anticlimatic. It wasn't as graceful as Elephant's ending.
-----------
She distrubes me. She really really does. It's a sidematter really, considering how she's a sweet person and genuninely interested in yada yada. But I can't take her seriously nor can I trust her because she's so empty. And NOT in a good way. leXis was empty, but she had will. She doesn't. And it scares me.
-------------
I think about dad...I mean today's dinner. It's weird how Vivian was more carefree. If I were her I'll watch out for dad and let loose around mom simply because the former is too scheming to let your eye go and the latter is too dense to come up with subtle plans. Great Japanese food again, the uni(sea urchin) was kinda plastiky though. But the beef was great. I LOVE COWS! Talked about fashion to dad. Not really. But at least I made it known that I'm in love with fashion (even if he doesn't approve). I don't care. Want to live life to the fullest? You need to be selfish. Anyway the final cap is $50k. Not bad. But it means work hard.
On another cryptic note: I wish you'll forgive yourself because everyone else will. Even if everyone else doesn't, time will. It heals y'know? And you need to learn to trust yourself again.
My internet is totally D/Ced
TOTALLY D/Ced
on a SATURDAY!!!!!
how irksome.
*saves entry on notepad*
I'll just upload it tomorrow.
To sak: :D
To audy: <3<3<3
To d[-_-]b:seeya
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:13 p.m.+
I wonder if people realize sometimes how difficult the choice is to decide whether you want to do it or not. It's like now - you're faced with a decision: do you want to get a nice, high paying job working for someone else in something that you generally like or scrimp and mayube even fail in something that you love?
Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm deluding myself that I can be a fashion designer.
Anyway back to Career's day - the second day was more boring. NTU's lecturer was this Prof. Trellawany lookalike who spoke with the craziest accent in the world. She sounded as though someone had stuffed a pig-ball in her mouth as she spoke. Hilarious~! But mostly style, not much substance. FASS wasn't too bad. The first speaker was the dean of Gender Relations or something like that and she was good. Reminds me of Mrs Jasmine Tan actually. Not much style, but more convincing because of the substance of the talk (not to mention the exchange program with Todai. TODAI!! as in the ultimate in Japanophile geekhood) The geography lecturer was the funniest. He was so gay okay? The "magic eyes" thing and the line: "If Prince William was in NUS I'll just die!!" - you could almost hear the fangirl squeals echoing behind his sentances (in this case, fanboy) Suprisingly, or rather - ironically, the Commuications lecturers couldn't commuicate shit. They were mumbling and speaking so fast that I just zoned out. You know, maybe that's why they're lecturers earning shitpay and not in PR.
Art was okay because she basically ignored me and I, her. Finished the sketches and finally starting on final painting. I'm considering skipping school on Monday to start it - because I really need to and am running out of time. Bad bad bad....*shakes head* I guess I'll resort to arcylic then.
Somewhat stoning and mostly tired - I can't wait for the week to end. Thank God Mdm Damo cancelled the HMT test because most likley I'll just flunk it due to lack of sleep. I realize if you're tired enough you don't really care how hard or uncomfortable it is as long as you can K.O. In fact, I was K.Oing most of Tuesday and T.K.O (Totally K.O.) by Thursday.
Anyway at least half of friday is mostly over, and I'll just have to endure about.....4 hrs more of classes.
------------
I guess it feels really strange sometimes. Is this what they call pressure? Or over-expectations? Ms Chua really wants to get the Agnus Ross prize (highest for Lit in all A level countries) and I just feel so...indisposed to get it. The first thing I thought of was: "why not alex?" I mean Alex is more hardworking and brilliant too. Then there's Kaiwen who reads like philosophical godknowswhat. Even Alicia is more passionate about writing than I am. Why ask me? I flaunt my love for trashy magazines openly, nor am I the most realiable of students. (case to point: 10/50 and 40/50) Unless of course, she asked them all personally as well.
Although I think she's a really good person to consult. Seriously, I don't realize how many marks I'm losing just because of carelessness and incoherence. Not to mention clarity. argh More homework for me anyhow. But she's a really good person to concult though. She dissected my essay bit by bit to tell me exactly what went wrong line by line. How cool is that huh???
Okay I'm ghey from the lack of sleep.
Anyway - Everyone please don't give up! Ganbatte for A/O levels and Studio Projects and all the shit that's thrown at us. It's really easy to give into the feeling of hopelessness but it's nearly over kz? :D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:18 a.m.+
Careers day for today and tomorrow.
I really had great fun - and guess what? Job offers!
The pub-lady and the retail owner both asked if I wanted to work part-time with them after As and they gave me their namecard. I'm kinda surprised though, o.O Never expected to be in demand. Then again, it's somewhat frightening that even strangers' start getting expectations for you. Isn't it scary? It's so scary sometimes how easily people believe in me that I can do it that I almost not-want to do it because of the expectations. I guess since so many people trust in me, I feel like I can't afford to fail.
The Banking & Finance talk was really cool though. To sak: YOU DON'T NEED MATH TO DO FINANCE!! :D As long as you can add, subtract, divide and multiply - you can more or less succeed in the field. You could almost hear the sigh of relief from the audience (esp. my class) cos like...70% of the level failed math. Woohoo!:D Let's all drop math!
Yeah but I really liked all of them (esp. Victor Lye). He was so passionate about people and the importance of life living to full. Comparatively, they all spoke really well (though I thought the citibank guy was too much hardsell though). The one that did credit analysis (You Waste $20,000 A Day Not Studying) was hilarious too. Ahahaha~ He broke down exactly how qualifications helped you earn, projected a reasonable income for future as well as starting pay etc etc and the lifestyle you could lead. It was really fun, and I *do* feel I learnt something.
Tomorrow's going to be long. *sighs* Almost don't feel like going for tuition. Almost I'm pretty sure I'll end up sleeping again - an utter waste of time and money. After art I'm usually too tired to do anything but go home and sleep.
Talking about art - I'm planning to clear everything up tomorrow. It's ridiculous how this is going. RI-DI-CULOUS. I need those bloody prelim results for my uni entrance damnit and I'm not going to let some stupid woman stop me.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:56 p.m.+
Tired and cranky.
In addition, extremely annoyed and frustrated.
Sometimes I wish I could kill something just to have something to vent my anger on.
1. Mom
Because she was being a whiny PMSing cow, refused to pick me up from Orchard at 5pm because she said that she had yoga THEN told me when she got back at 7pm that there wasn't any because SHE DIDN'T CALL TO CHECK. (!!!) fuck You know how bloody heavy the stuff was? I had to carry 2 frozen pizzas, 500g of grapes, 1 kg of cake, 6 lit texts and my school bag + file. I was carrying so much that I didn't even have a hand to tap my ezlink card. Due to the fact that it was the 174 (aka. Aircon India) Everyone simply ignored that fact that fuck I needed a seat more than them. You know what's it like balancing your bag and a potentially dangerous chocolate cake in one hand? IT'S CRAZY.
Then when she got home she pretended it was like no big deal and it was all my fault and that I wasn't being y'know...independant because I needed a car ride badly. FUCK. This is from a person who never takes a bus, doesn't know the MRT lines and believes that oooh! Bishan is like so near.
So since I was so tired I didn't want to go for art, then my mom was like NO ON THURS YOU HAVE ECONS SO GO and she made it sound like she was sacrificing such a big thing (ooooh as if she's the only one tired) All matyr-ish and all. *rolls eyes in disgust* Mind you, I said I'll go on Thursday on my mom but did she listen? Noooooo. Insisted. Then inisisted I change my paint-splattered shirt cos I was going to public. (as if Mr James counts as public. I'll feel comfortable in my jimmies around him. Screw! he only wears singlets with paint and shorts anyway.)
Then she had the audacity to ask me to do it quickly. WTF? This is my coursework y'know?! Like COURSEWORK. The entire existence of my A level art paper. If you don't want to send me - THEN DON'T VOLUNTEER. I don't need to listen to you having an extra excuse to whine like a angsty my life sucks so bad teenager. GROW UP.
I was beginning to be really, really pissed off.
As in really pissed off.
Then I tried to remind myself that she's my mother and she works very hard for that paycheck and she's problably stressed too.......and I realize; so what? I didn't insist that she sent me for class, nor did I insist that she pick me up - hell! I didn't even say anything when she blamed me for her yoga (WTF.) Not to mention the fact that the membership card is actually ours because dad gave it to us and NOT her.
She's not the only one with a hard day.
She's can't seem to realize that yes, Other People have Hell days as well.
2.Mrs Bridget Haworth
That by the way, is the name of my art teacher from CJC. As far as she's concerned, she can go fuck off and die. I've said time and time again that my theme is about insignificance/lost and YET! she can misinterpret it.
So when I tried to explain it as simply as possible to Mr James about my situation he looked almost as pissed off as I was. LOOK. Art is - by and large, metaphorical. Voids don't need to be empty, just as grass doesn't need to be green. So when I use the word void please listen carefully. V-O-I-D I know the fuckin' dictionary (which you keep waving to me as though it was some linguistics test) means Containing no matter; empty but what really is a void? Why the hell are we using a dictionary? Why the hell do I have to do exactly what you say WITHOUT REASON?
Because (as I say time and again), MY definition of void is the ephermenal transcendence; a state of lost and insignificance in view of infinity. GET IT YOU STUPID BITCH? Or do I have to write it down like some primary schooler?
It's pissing me off because almost everyone can see it except you. They can sense it's sorrow, the misery, the lost, the transient....so why the fuck can't you?
You want to know why?
Because you hate me.
You hate me because you don't fucking understand a single thing I say.
Even my MOM can understand that (and she's denser than a capriconic rock.)
You like Clare's, Josephine's, Kenneth's...because it's something that you know. It's something safe, standard that can be looked up in a bloody art text (hell, even I know how to do that) and easy to critique. That's why you almost never talk to me about anything. When you critique my work you almost NEVER say anything constructive. You never mention my perception drawing or that near-analogous palette that I like. You never talk about the balance or structure or even how it conveys the theme. HELL! YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT MY THEME AT ALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T FRIKKIN UNDERSTAND IT. Which is why you can never offer me any artists to research to, or any methods which I'm fond of. ARGHH YOU DON'T EVEN THINK I CAN PAINT. Because my painting style is different from the pretty, careful, detailed shit those AEPers produce. I don't have sketchy lines or what nots. I draw in single lines - so clean it looks 2-D. And you don't like it, so you offer ridiculous comments like "try more pointillism. use chalk. nice colour scheme." hur Even my sis could've said that.
I've been really nice to you. I haven't argued with you point blank (like the way I do with mrs sng) nor have I derided you yet. But don't push it. Really. Because if you piss me off, I'll just refuse to acknowledge your existence you half-assed teacher.
TEACH goddamnit. Teaching is evolving. But after a year with you, all I feel is that I'm becoming stupider. Devolving. Regressing
Arghhhhhhh
*sighs*
back to homework. 30 essay outlines to do!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:17 p.m.+
kinda makes you wanna dance dance dance
Listening to: Planetarium
._______. Sometimes reading other people's blogs make me realize how stupid and aimless I am. Unlike various brilliant people, I can't quote Kiekegaard or Milton or even Murakami right off my head, nor do I ever quote anyone on this blog. At most, I quote how Jared was being a chauvinistic pig today by calling all the girls' "panties in a bunch." See? Aimless, drifting existence. But really, but my stupidity isn't so much appalling that diffident - If I'm stupid, it's okay cause liek I still PWNZ j00 hurrrrr *waves Seventeen* Seeee??
But seriously, sometimes I wish I was more mature and could talk politics or philosophy and not feel like laughing at myself when I do. :/ It just feels so detached sometimes y'know?
Anyway I'm feeling slightly frustrated at certain individuals. On one level, I feel guilty cause it's the proper thing to do, on the other hand, I'll really appreciate if you stop asking so many questions. I can only take 5 "Are you okay?"s in a day. Yes, I'm glad you're concerned over my emotional state, but seriously [quoth Sparrington] I'm no fragile English rose. (or even a rose at all) Nor do I particularly like it when you proclaim things about me which you assume. Look - I'm a naturally sulky, moody, pettish and difficult person. Nothing to do with schoool or whatever, there are times I just want to sulk. You just let me be, stop asking questions and stew. So don't go thinking that I'm all like happy and chirpy and chippy 24/7 with the Happy Shiny People-ness. If you honestly think of me that way, then wow - I've just overestimated your perceptiveness.
I almost wanted to be bitchy but held my tongue
Know why? Because then she'll go "Ohhhhh...are you okay?"
And that would've been the 7th time today.
Woke up with a really bad migraine this morning - it was so bad I nearly decided not to go to school (plus the weather was being dandy and huggably lazy) However! Being a good student I am, packed my bag and Ponstant, and headed off to the centre of learning aka. school. The problem with Ponstan is that it requires food. If you eat it without food you'll end up with gastritis - very very *painful* gastritis. (which makes me wish I brought panadol instead, but ponstant is more effective) Thankfully I didn't have any class in the morning and had enough time to eat then K.O with sleep in class. Finally woke up at 10.26am which was just in time for a game of dai dee with t4.
GP was okay - Mrs Sng was deliberately pissing on us ahahahaha. I dunno why, but she never fails to amuse me. She's so reactive and so provocative that it's entertaining. (though I don't believe that this is a true nature) Unfortunately, no white LV bag today. Damned. Maybe tomorrow then.
Art sucked. I want to give up. It's like a mixed commuciations signal. Talking to my art teacher is frustrating because she can't see beyond the literal meaning of words to feel what it is behind them. Very gek sim. Like the word void. For her, it is nothingness and emptiness and space. I mean okay, that's what the dictionary says but dictionaries aren't definite. Why can't voids be turbulent and oblivating? A void that seeks to consume.
She doesn't think the same way.
It's very difficult for me to hold a conversation and not get angry with her.
Stayed back to play dai dee with Clare's friend, Clare and Jared. Jared is a COW. He is a moo-moo COW of male chauvisintic pig-ness which makes him both a COW and a PIG. A COWIG. *glares* And he calls me a demented spastic child somemore! So he thinks he's damned great! *glares* You know what he needs? One session with Mrs Sng where he'll be crying so hard he'll be walking - no, - crawling out of the room away from her begging for mercy. *glares* I hope he bangs his head against the wall when he walks home. HAH!
Oh yeah, I'll be home before 7pm this season.
As I've said, I hate July/August. *shudders*
Don't look out the windows.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:13 p.m.+
Sometimes I think of green
Sometimes (actually most) I know I'm in denial
but that's okay right?
Because nothing changes the past; and thus - the future too
I hate green.
Anyway woke up to watch Hana&Alice which is those kind of plotlessly beautiful movies which is special in a way that you can't really tell why. Maybe it's the way the sea dazzles and sparkles, maybe it's the flutter of cards drifting to packed sand, maybe it's the holographic shimmer of Alice touching White Rabbit......whatever it is, it's special. It's special in the way that it makes me want to go hug all my friends and tell them how much I love them and I'm so sorry for all the drama, the nonsense, the anger that they have to put up with.
Anyway my internet is more or less finally repaired with a new modem in tow. Unfortunately, it's not encrypted which means anyone can just jack off it. (jack- geddit? pirate! :D) I'm really corny na~ Just corny.
It's those kind of languid afternoons which is not sultry but cool in a refreshing way that echoes white walls and linen sofas and windows with eyelet curtains that float aimlessly to the teasing wind. Like the way they float - weightless and gauzy and seem to stay up for infinity....I would like that too. That feeling. That peace. I always wondered if one day I could have it - that elusive sense of belonging, the white light, the soft enfolding.
I guess part of the problem is that I never feel I deserve it.
the neon lights drift by
a blur; through darkened taxi windows
reds, greens, blues, yellows
a flash of white from a passing car
and a brilliant show up:
your skin, your face - alit
take me somewhere we can be alone
[lean on the shoulder and press]
take me home....won't you?
I guess you can never really get rid of insecurity. Up to now I can never really look into the mirror and say honestly that I like myself, that I like what I see. because what I see is his face on mine It's hard to forgive, but the hardest is to forgive yourself. I mean it's practically impossible unless the other person forgives you first. But even if the other does, can you?
I'm not very forgiving
Not at all.
It's like sometimes in school - I feel so terribly undeserving because I haven't done anything. People say I'm nice - but what really is nice? For me it doesn't mean anything, but to them it does. So in truth, I haven't sacrificed anything for them - so can that be considered nice? It's not even an effort. It's more like I do it so that you can just shut up and go away. But in today's world - that's considered being nice.
Funny how it goes huh?
ash and kisses
the breath of midnight smoke
[ahhhhhhh...........]
is the sound of opium flavours
maybe if you hold me long enough
i'll become real
the flowers and poison are all
dreams
with liqourice kisses that
drown; in drink
the borderline
Driving myself crazy with unrealities is becoming less of an escape and becoming more and more real. What do you call a dreamer who tries to make dreams real? A realist? For some, the poison of choice at midnight is alcohol, some prefer the carnal pleasures of sex or the mindlessness of TV....you know what mine is? The oblivion of dreams. Fahy says it's an abyss - but Fahy is wrong. It's not an abyss. You fall into an abyss; and in dreams..........you always fly.
Like a city made of grey and smoke with rivers and boats inlaid, people with footsteps softer than raindrops and shadows more fluid than mist. Their eyes look away distantly into the sky and only as they move to the rhythm of static and drumbeats that remind you of priestly chants. And as the boatman rows down in a rhythmic dum. dum. dum. the sky looms with clanging bells and the vision that rises before like a great tidal wave that washes into you and you into it. babble of voices. It consumes.
It's scary but wonderful too.
It's the best place because you can never be unhappy
No one can touch you, but you can't touch anyone either
The only thing you watch is the sky.
Anyway I forgot to mention; Friday for S Lit I realized that however unfortunate it is, Mr Fahy is NOT a skyperson.(neither is Alex or Rachel Koh) I like him, but he is NOT a sky person. He is of earth. Like razorsharp acid and mythological dust. Anyway he is a yellow person - he thinks in satire, and doesn't understand the subtlties of smokescreens. Nor does he listen to music. It is very saddening for me to realize that he doesn't have it, but what to do? shikata nai. Someone else then.
So far I haven't found anyone who is a skyperson too. Rachel Koh is a seaperson - she reeks of it. The brine, the gravel, the steel gray waves. When I stand next to her and watch her I can almost feel the seascape inside, dark and stormy with hard gravel beaches and water the colour of soft bluegrey that melts into the foggy horizon. I can hear the rhythmic splishsplash of water and the long mournful echoing sound of bouyants and scout boats as the lighthouse revolves round with beams of light trying to pierce into the twilght violet.
But I like the sea, and I appreciate her for it.
It's better than no one.
A large majority of people aren't anything at all of course. They don't evoke any places, they have no landscapes in their soul except well....void. They don't understand poetry at the most fundemental level. I don't really care if they're geniuses or what - if they don't, then it's over. (the only exception is Alex, because for her, it's a narrative not poetry. however, she is strongly a garden-mountain person. very lush)
It's like the way Alexial said before: I don't want a boyfriend, I want a muse. It's the same for me. I don't want scruffy knees and dirty socks and unhygenic bodies that stink of sweat and robusticity - I want dark angels with razorthin smiles and mysterious hearts and eyes of obsidian glass with hands gracefully pale and crossed. Brittle and hard - carbon steel souls. Now you get it?
I'm in denial.
I'm not in love with green
I just wish that the green was obsidian muse
but green will never be black
no matter how my fantasties try
see?
shikata nai
who cares about past or present when it never was in the first place?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:46 p.m.+
Listening to: New Order
stand -
traffic lights
of flickering colours of
Go, Stop, Wait
busy junctions
turn turned turning
here, there, everywhere
watch you walk away
into grey
walls tumbling down
coming home the hard way
when will you turn your eyes to me?
come home
let's go
I'm in really stupendeously happy and in love with everything right now mood :D If you'll talk to me, I'll just dissolve into mindless giggles and drunken rhymes of pink hearts, dazzling sparkles and pointlessly poofy flowers. Like the word; stupendeous - a silly, perfectly induglent word that sounds overblown and grandiose and excited and practically -spilling- with enthusiasm.
It all starts with dreams.
Woke up before the alarm rang - rare. A fleeting rememberance of hands and scarlets and short hair, something like me but not. Anyway it was not so disquieting, more like curiousity-mixed-peacefulness.....something like a brink of discovery feeling with a touch of longing. It's times like this I wish dream logic could be recorded like a coma - teh suspension, the drifting, the sensation of walls tumbling down like leaves in a flutter of red, orange and autumn brown. The dusty tracks sweep by wind and desert sand, wandering footsteps passing through soft lands - you dream, you wake, you die - and it starts all over again. But you don't really forget do you?
The tracks windswept away
covered dust - sand, stone and ground
somewhere, remember
somehow, to dream
Changed for school and finished the Econs 2b) question cos only my teacher is crazy enough to do a retest on Parent-Teacher Meeting day (PTM). She didn't say anything too bad about me (thank goodness), I think mainly cos I passed all my subjects considering close to 30%++ of the level failed with no full cert. At the end of it, I'm just glad I passed most stuff. The only sad part was that Mrs Sng didn't have her white LV Murakami bag that day so I couldn't show it to my mom (She used the black Prada instead)
Met up with Kero, changed and waii~ she looks so cool too! We were like "ZOMG you look so cool!" then "ZOMG we look so cool!" feeling. She dropped us off, then we started eating.
Provence is like heaven on earth. It's glorious food on one level, on another level it's the psychological comfort of yeast and bread and warmth and hearth goodness that washes over you like the wooden tables and delicious scents wafting from inviting loaves of fresh pastry. For me it's like an idealized home, a utopian concept of pastrol love, a craving for affection that perhaps - we never get enough of that's why bakeries like this exist, that's why we need it too. It's not just to eat but kind of fufillment.
*thoughtfully*
In a way you could say that it says as much about me as it says about her - it's not just pastry we're after isn't it?
What we want is a home
But whatever the reason is (and I don't pry either)
We can't get it, so we take the next best thing
The bread, the soul
The wholesome love of a rememberance built in DNA
of comfort
Anyway I digress.
I knew what to expect from the food (the perks of living), so let's concentrate on other things. Like Kero-chan.
When I started JC, I did so with the mentality that no one in this bloody godforsaken school would understand anything anyway which was why it was pointless to show more than the playfool and facades. Technically, I was 99.9% right which means I felt basically guiltless about manupialating, cheating and lying to get what I want and to entertain myself by causing mayhem. I didn't even feel guilty about making someone else cry, or intentionally destroying the reputation of someone else. At most, I felt a twinge of remorse for feeling not guilty enough, but I reckoned that they derserved it anyway - because they're stupid and annoying and I loathed them (so sue me for being occasionally elitist)
But now y'know.......because of her, I'm both happy/sad. I'm happy because there's finally someone in the school whom I might actually genuninely -like- as a person and whom I can treat as a human being instead of entertainment. Because I think she sees me as a person. As a normal human being. Not a lit genius or a psychotic wacko or a crazy overgrown kid on a persistent sugarhigh. She's clear enough to see past the facades I play, and that makes me happy. Of course, I could be wrong (I have been before as duly noted), so I guess it's subject for consideration. But generally speaking, I think maybe there's someone I can like in school now.
I guess in a way it's a kind of redemption for what I did before
It's funny how I can do it when I'm not trying
But never make it when I do
oh irony
After major belly-distention and giggling hysterically over cakes then into the out of mind "I love you"s and gooey sweetness with Kero, met up with audy and watched Pirates2. I LOVE DAVY JONES. In particular, the locket-song. I think it's beautiful. The only thing that bothers me is the lack of character development and the overuse fighting scenes. It's just too much okay? TOO MUCH. But I liked the ending. Seeing Babrossa made me want to see more and Norrington is turning into a hellva good character. It's the Rum-Effect I swear. Being dirty, unhygenic and drunken somehow makes you more attractive (does that say something about my bad taste? lol)
I think my favourite scene was when Davy Jones looked over the basterade of Flying Dutchman and saw Elizabeth's dress floating on the water. He just looked so....so forsakened. As though he regretted but denied it, and in denial hated himself for it. I just wanted to go over and give him a hug y'know? A nice warm squishy hug (tentacles and gooey stuff and all). I don't know....I just felt sorry for him.
PLUS! There's this scene where he pouts cutely.
Ahahahahaha :D
--------------------------
the midsummer wind brings
colours the sky of bruised pristine
stretching into infinite vastless
of turning sky
ah - don't you know now?
feel the taste of futures that belong to us; us only
underneath this we can promise
that yesterday is finally over
welcome to tomorrow
[bring me that horizon]
I think how lovely it is. Today. The beauty is so much more so when it sings to you.
the hand that holds mine is cold
with a smiling face that sharpens to ice
frozen eyes, frozen hands
can I kiss you to make it better?
deep inside your frozen smile
is frail and brittle
the icy shards I pick with warm hands
place them like a kiss to your lips
let me
share the taste of cold with you
[I'll be warm for both of us...this wintry love.]
What's the verb of irony? Ironing xD! Isn't it funny how the most unsentimental person of I, can be so romantically hopeless to write aimless love poems to no one?
I thought sometimes....that maybe I'm not lying to others, I'm just lying to myself - for what? pride.
I think of what Verlaine did - and I guess to some extent I regret using him as entertainment, I regret pissing him off for kicks. Maybe my only defence is that I was scared - I'm cowardly like that.
one day i'll run to eternity
like the white tattered flag on breeze
the sun will set
the sea will rise
and i'll reach up...
and finally touch the sun
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:45 p.m.+
Listening to: Placebo
Fridays are one of my worst days
It's the only day where I have only one break
and about.....8 hours of classes one after another
It's the drain, the exhaustion, the counting
of clocks and time and minutes and seconds
till it's over.
You wait restlessly - even for your favourite classes and by 3pm, I'm usually into the DMZ - Dead Man Zone filled with gaslight daydreams and getting stoned on music gives you empty feelings and empty minds. The teachers simply fade into a gaussian blur of faces and voices - indistinct but calling you out of splendid fairytales; fairytales of skies and lights and wind and places that you feel but not know where.
And it was even worse today, cos Alex and Kaiwen skipped out on Slit and I ended up with a tete-a-tete with Fahy. By 3pm, after 2 hours of Pract.Crit, 1 hour of Econs, 1 hour of Chinese I really don't want to think in deep intellectual complexities. I don't want to think of devices, I don't want to think of techniques, I don't want to think of form in relation to content - I'm not happy. I'll sulk, I'll digress, I'll be particularly snide because I'm tired and all I want is a good bath and to feel huggily again.
Besides, at 7pm I had a concert at Esplanade.
Watched Caberet, Fei Xiang has the sexiest, smokiest voice I've ever heard. It's just so.....smokey. Like liqourice and ashy kisses and the whispery borderline of illicit affairs - it sounds like bourbon mixed with steeled silk, in a powerfully senseous way. Plus! He looks really good and I love his pajamas. The costumes were great, the music was fantastic (live band!) but the plot was...so-so. Some really good highlights though - the opening was beautifully done.
All in all, I'm pretty happy and satisfied.
Btw, chocolate at Max Brennan = Ultimate High.
blog more tmr
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:09 a.m.+
Disquieting is less of an adjective than a noun to me.
And it just so happens to describe today Perfectly.
Started morning off with a blistering talk by Brother Paul that we were all basically shitspewing seniors who farted their gross, disgusting natures all over his nice *purty* school and we better clean up our act before we start applying for Hamburger Scholarships aka. Mac's. I know, I know that I didn't really do badly considering 70% of the level failed at least one subject, but I -STILL- feel bad. I feel terrible because I feel like I've just let down lots of people and it's guilt-tripping me till no end.
It didn't help that I was really frightened and unsettled - I couldn't really concentrate much after that. Sometimes I feel that I'm scared to do well as well - like a fear of being happy (?) ........in some ways, I'm still very distrustful of people (despite improvement). *feels twitchy* I guess, it's the same feeling that drives me to be distrustful of happiness - for me, even if it was real, it feels too much like an illusion to be real because how can I ever deserve to be like that?
*twiddles thumbs*
---------------
the song that came
lost my way
thought I've found
the warm in you
tonight
----------
frosted sunlight
darts
past clouded windows
into cut flowers
pink, broken and waiting
----------
I thought today of you and you
and how the sounds of colours I could find with you
that every piece of glass was never clear but reflected
in shadows - to get that beautifully sparkling light
with the rainfall softer than sighs
swirling into the drains - deep cavern drains
floating peacefully touching and not touching
like a miraculous dance of chance and rain
so pure
and I wondered if you knew
how much I was thinking of you
and you
and us
And how watching the rainfall swirl into gorging drains
gurgling and bubbling and slick with dirt and oil
so pure
to think of us like that.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:11 p.m.+
Today was very much a mixed feeling day.
On one level, I'm relieved that soon I'll be able to step down
On another level, I'll really miss my J1s.
Editorial - I know I rarely talk about it; is problably one of the stronger *stay* factors for me in CJC. I love the small-ness, the personalized interaction that you don't get in huge ccas where you can never remember everyone's name and you're just a faceless person in a horde of people. I love the relaxed, almost too relaxed atmosphere of slacking + seriousness; after we get the agenda over with we talk with our juniors over everything from p0rn to PS2 to homework. It's nice, it's very comfortable - you walk in, you grab a chair and throw your bag to the nearest table while catching up with the latest in gossip before the agenda starts. Then it ends, and everyone just settles into groups to just talk about their day, and normal stuff.
It's fun, it's nice and most of all - there's no hierachy.
Maybe because we're so laidback, or because we don't feel the need to be authorative - but we rarely tell them off (unless it's deadlines). They tease us back too y'know? They have nicknames for us like "grasscutter" (Steffi lol) and then they tease us girls about being "fat" and stuff. It's not hurtful, it's that kind of sibling teasing.
I'll miss them.
I really will.
They're a great bunch of people - sometimes! lol
On the other hand, being Student Editor is a bit of a pain in the ass. Running deadlines, chasing people, organizing stuff with limited funds..........ERRK. I don't exactly want more sleepless nights or last minute typeups or getting quotes from reluctant interviewees. While I did like creating the competition, the workload was pretty hefty - publicity, awareness, getting entries, sorting entries etc.
Yeah.....so it's a strange feeling
Relief and sadness
Like growing up.
Sadly.
---------------
Not really looking forward to class anymore. *sighs* It's terrible that I'm losing interest in academia. I'm not really that fond of Lit anymore - writing essays every week has effectively destroyed whatever passion I once had for it and doing analysis on my fave texts tend to have the same effect as well. It's not that I *dislike* it, it's more of an apathetic reaction after oversimuli.
Because the truth is - I don't really like Lit. I'm okay with the dissection, but what I'm really interested in is the relevance to reality. Like Kurtz - who is he really? Or the moral issues of HoD? That to me is far more interesting that yakking about narrative techniques and structural echoes and aposieopasis and form in relation to content (I hate that phrase.) I do it because I'm curious. That's my driving force in life. To satisfy my curiousity. It's nothing deep or driven or even humanitarianistic - I'm just a big kaypoh who wants to understand everything
So stop making me sound like I have lofty ideas of education or even remotely interested in politics - I'm not. If I'm interested in those is simply because it's fascinating in a detached "what happens if I...." way. Like the whole thing with Ashley wtv. - it's fascinating if there's truth is what rumours say, it's interesting to realize that even in a place like CJC; there exists a social game of sorts created by people who seem to both horrify and excite the student population with their noriety. Amazing right?
Although, I have to say
I'm almost disappointed that Ashley looks so...normal
then they reassured me that the "horror lies within" anyway.
:D
It's a strange strange thing
Social hierachies and stuff
I'm apparently neither cool or uncool, nor am I loner or social butterfly. Accordingly, I'm an "unclassified". Ahahahaha - that's a really nice way of saying I practically live in my own universe and talk to them in alien heiroglyphs. It's nice though, to be "unclassified". Undecidables are powerful in their way. It's not so much whether they have the power or not, but the potential scares people.
I rather like it, plus I don't want to participate anyway
No appeal for me.
My class though, has been playing a really funky game called Deadliest Sin. From the usual seven, you pick the one that you think is your greatest weakness. Most people have pride/envy.......interestingly enough, Angie, Graham, Van Ann and I said Anger. Funny eh? Seems like anger isn't so deadly when it drives you past your limits.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:50 p.m.+
Listening to: Tokyo Babylon, Gorillaz + weird stuff
I feel really happy and lucky today.
The week didn't really start off the greatest. First was my crappy essay which took me a record of 3 days to complete, and then the fact that I didn't do much MCQ which kinda screwed me for Econs. Urk. But then come Monday - the actuality of goading Mrs Sng during GP (how fun!:D), playing Dai Di at t04 and then Van's birthday surprise. At first I was pretty hesitant - considering I didn't know her very well, but I'm glad I went, if only just to see her happy. I guess sometimes I just want to say things but I don't know how to - and in the end, it's the actions that count right?
So maybe it was the right thing to do.
Was so drained after 13+ hours of being outside (I only got home around 9pm) then I just called audy then K.O'ed. I need sleep.
Then when I woke up this morning I totally FREAKED. I was like "EW THE SUNLIGHT IS SO WRONG!" It was weird and patchy and orangey and sickish looking - like the kind that's slightly diseased and pale. It reminded me of prisons - grey walls and orange sunlight streaming in from dirt, dust and smoke. It didn't help that the sky rolled along in this angry mix of luminous orange-yellow and grey clouds. As though the morning was puking out of the sickening sun instead of just letting it rise naturally.
Thankfully by the time I reached CJ, it was more or less settled to a usual dull yellow. Anyway if you really want, I took a picture of the sun. It was really strange, but ah well. The weather didn't settle either - it was drizzling and sunning at the same time - as though the sky was as confused as we were.
Anyway class was pretty okay. Graham was sick though, so I just shifted over to sit next to Jo. Lit was pretty fun, just for curiousity's sake-type questions make me happy. Like the whole 'horror' thing. It's really fun to discuss with Mr Fahy when he isn't being provocative or cranky. Late for lecture, but I hate politics anyway so it's really no big deal.
I'm utterly in love with THIS dress. It's not velvet though, it's coudroy. Anyway I don't mind it thicker, cos then I can pack it with me when I go Uni. Actually I wouldn't mind making it in velvet, except that I dunno if velvet is actually comfortable or not. Nor do I know where I can buy like....4m worth of velvet. It's really beautiful, and I know where to get lace for it (yay!). It'll look absolutely PERFECT with the drippy venetian stuff from Spotlight. (hurry up get another 20%off!sale)
Went out with Clare after school to buy TS Eliot, then realized that the bookshop was closed (crapstixxors). Tried Omu rice (which was really nice!) and ate mochi icecream. *sighs happily* Ahhhh....I miss eating mochi icecream. I remember going with audy to coranation to buy it everytime we went there and we would sit outside the steps and eat with with blueberries. I think we tried every single flavour already~ lol. But yeah, 'twas nice. And she's toned down a little around me so I don't feel so uncomfortable.
But it's a really lovely ending today
The syrupy light at 4pm is so shiny and sparkling
Like an amberblown glass bubble with honey and gold
Solidified sunlighted syrup doubleboiled.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:49 p.m.+
I have a dire longing for cake.
Cake cake cake.
As in creamy, sugary, chocolatey cake.
;_; I think it's the side effect of not having any for a week.
Anyway, going for steamboat tomorrow (cause it's my classmate's birthday) then on Friday, I'll be watching PoTC2 with audy.
Dinner at grandma's (mom's side) was okay - very routine. We go there, my brother sleeps, my sis does homework and I read. Reading mostly Alex Garland now, 'cause he's my kind of writer. Not here, not there and somehow nerdy and cool. All the pop culture references are cool. Plus the Vietwar slangs make me happy. DMZ, KIA, MIA, FNG, fhugging...etc. 'effin fun
Dropped bro at AirDenfense HQ, then went to Sembawang market for some desserts. Unfortunately, cheng teng was closed, so we settled for grass jelly. I spied mutton soup too....yumm...next time must eat there.
Anyway, fashion is taking over my mind and I've introduced my sis to Manolo Bahlniks, Lanvin, Rochas, Chanel and many many more. If you're bored, browse through collections (both courture and RTW) at style.com which is the bestes place to get free pics and eyecandy. Yay!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:19 a.m.+
Listening to: New Order
I don't really like July or August (sorry to people born then). It's partily psychological - a sense of disquiet that prevades like an unnessescary gust of hot, humid air that stinks of avarice and deathliness. Like the dying pants of summer, each hot gasping breath so diseased, so ill...you just want to kill to free it of it's pitiful misery. Summer y'know? Like the dying songs of cicadas, the withering gold of wheat, the dryness of hay, the dizzy, hazy quality that hides secrets that people don't want to know.
If you haven't realized by now, I'm not much of a late summer person. I don't really enjoy the hot/cold weather, neither do I like the blanket of humidity that seems to suffocate.
Anyway, it's a new layout! I tried - I really did. I know it's not up to the usual standards, but I can't exactly paste the dead praying mantises that haunt my dreams of summertime can I?
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I guess you know, sometimes you need to learn how to say goodbye. Maybe the problem is that when I say it I don't mean it, when I say it - it doesn't seem to sink into significance enough - as though by not acknowledging it I can tell myself it's only words. Pointless, painless words that rhyme with independance and loneliness.
[deleted for censor]
Sometimes I wonder if there was a time I never felt lonely. Even with audy, it sometimes makes the loneliness even worse, beause it just seems to right and perfect and comfortable before the illusion is ripped away from you and you realize that you were just deluding yourself after all.
So what's the point of this post you say? It just seems like you're mucking up the stability you wanted and making trouble. What's the point? ......what I wanted was to believe. I wanted to believe in something. Someone. That people would really live up their promises. If there was stability, I didn't want it because of indifference. I wanted it to be real - that we knew where we were. Just because it's quiet doesn't mean it's stable.
And I guess in a way, it's truth I want. However hard and painful it is.
I just feel so.........betrayed?
again?
shikata nai
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Anyway, I guess I should do some schoolwork. Yeah. That's the only thing that wants me at least. *sighs*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:55 p.m.+
