mad world

it's been a crazy week, and will problably get crazier still. Madness! I don't even remember what it what anymore, only that the sky hasn't fallen yet and yet it still seems like a brilliant, gothic and unreal blue that looks like earthenware with no earth.

the first day was the worst - cold, frozen in a "furnished" apartment of the strictest sense of the word - basically furniture and nothing else. i felt so cold i couldn't feel my fingers or my toes. in that moment i suddenly felt like i truly understood what was it like to be in poverty in cold - think all those victorian novels of matchgirls and little princesses and tattercoats and rushes. we didn't sleep - just falling fitfully before the cold woke up again like an angry, leering comedian with ice as sharp as wit as sharp as knives.

then the next few days (even up till now) it's been a mass of shopping and renovating and rearranging and shopping again for all the bits and pieces that made a house and a home and maybe even a bit of tsu-like in it 'cause i picked all the designs and colours and somehow it doesn't look like what i imagined but better. i've done laundry and made soup and made my own clothesline in the toilet because i refuse to wash my pretty underwear in the cloth munching machines, i've vaccumed the floor twice in this week and sorted all my clothes and OMG what am i going to wear for orientation?!?!?

it's all dazed and rushed and windy and feels like a holiday with mom, not a parting of six months or a "settling down" or whatever it call it as of moment. it's cold outside and we've had coffee and hot chocolate and cakes and i've made friends with a bookshop and a cakeshop and kor laughs and laughs at this - keywords: book, cake. then those boring nights with NO INTERNET reading Graham Swift's Shuttlecock (courtesy of my newfound bookshop friend) and Far Side of Gallery interpersed with cold roast beef sandwhiches - argula, wholemeal, roastbeef slices and cheese. it's like a crazy mad rushing wonderland of unreality, pocketed by surrealistic silences - displaced serenity that is too perfect and slow and captured that you wonder if you imagined it.

sour cherry pie at rathdowne village with hot chocolate and polished wooden floors with maple trees sparkling in the blue blue sky (looks EXACTLY like japan), then sandwhiches and jam tarts for breakfast with hot chinese tea to delightfully begin a day, sunshine sparkling through gel-coloured patterns that dazzled and shimmered like a moving painting coloured by memories and love and friends that you hold in your heart, you hold with your hands.

and you think - i wish i could hold on like this

but tomorrow's orientation and it feels queasy and exciting and dangerously butterflies in the stomach with clean, fresh applescented laundry and duffy fabric softener. and really, i just cling tighter and tighter to bearbear and minty (my new potted plant!:D) and look at these beautiful things in my beautiful new apartment and somehow - it's not enough because because........the people i love aren't here to make it beautiful.

but you know, home is where the heart is
and with that, you'll always be warm
isn't that right?

hopefully tomorrow the internet will be up and dandy (i'm still pissed off about it), my phoneline will work, the orientation will go well (bearbear's decided that BTSSB alice skirt would be the morale booster i need) and and.......that everyone will be safe and happy.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:06 p.m.+

hello

hello i am cold but alive and suffering from internet withdrawl symptoms. how can you tell? when in THREE days you crash into the nearest internet cafe even though it charges ridiculously high prices at 2/hr surfing at the speed of 56kbps and all you can do is try not to scream in frustration when it slooooooooooowly loads while you sit in 10 degree weather trying to not freeze your fingers when you type.

anyway the past few days have been agonizing and well, agonizing - i feel so depleted it isn't even funny. the worst is that the internet is STILL NOT UP and i paid for it and everything already (IN CASH TOO WTF) and i'm still cold and yeah well, it sucks.

there's a lot of nice things, but a lot of complain about too (mainly, the cold, the prices, the shitty internet) and damnit AUDY U'RE NOT ONLINE. REMEMBER I LIVE IN +2HRS DIFFERENCE. this place closes at 11pm, which is roughly 9pm SG time.

<3<3<3! i'm still wearing the bracelet k!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:00 p.m.+

wakeupnotomorrow

i suddenly feel hungry for ribstickling soup
is that normal? :x

and today was strangely wonderful and strangely sad - because it was the feeling of being tearfully happy, or happily tearful. like yesterday i was reading astrology and one of the description was "tears when a mother gives birth" that kind of happy/sad/painful. does that make sense? and then at 11am celine called and i feel warm all over again, a just a bit sad.

like, *heartbreak* feeling.

it's like, y'know when i came back dad said lots of stuff and then i started to doubt my own judgement about people - that perhaps you know, they really were as corrupted and evil as dad made them out to be. so i didn't know what to feel, on one hand i was sad, on the other i felt suspicious and started to doubt my own judgement - whether i could tell what was "good" and what was "evil". and then today when celine called and then i heard the voices of the people i had missed/grieved/remembered/wondered - i realize that maybe i was right all along. that humanity was still full of humanityness and my faith in the universe in general has been restored. somewhat.

and the most heartbreaking thing was that i cared, and now i know they cared back - but i didn't trust my own self (and eyes) at that time.

then yesterday i went to kino on my own (one last pilgrimage!) and i had the BEST combini japanese food at the little shop at the side of taka escalator (they sell onigiri too btw). cheapest set ever: $6.60 for rice, soup, saba mackeral, pickles and green tea. it was so delicious! i must stress how absolutely delicious it was - squeakily yummy and flakey fish with lemon juice and cold gradted radish. OMG. delicious. and then when i was eating it i suddenly though audy would love it too, because she's a cat like that lol. FISH ARE FOR EATING! hahahaha and it was nice to be alone though, sometimes.

i like eating at counters, because then your feet is high and it's just you, the cook and your food. the comments can be ignored or passed, doesn't matter. it's like talking to someone without facing them, and sharing like it is. then i went to kino to read astrology books and fashion books and for once! i didn't bump into anyone strange/looking for something/knows me. and then later i had kurogoma + strawberry icecream and it is a strange but yummy combination. the guy who was scooping icecream had a very odd wtf expression though. kurogoma and strawberry taste like toasted seasame and jam. yummy.

the wagashi stop was the last stop, and when they heard i was leaving - they gave me a free amaiguri pie! (i always buy from the same shop) and one of those natsu matsuri wishing letters to hang on the tree. it was so thoughtful of them ^^ i thought they forgot about me (i used to go there everyweek) since i was in china all the time, but omg! they remembered

i feel so loved ^o^

then sak came, and then uncle marc, then my relatives and maybe just once, i don't feel any animosity at all. like, "hey! this is a last time i will see them as i am now" and then perhaps, that is better than usual? it's not forgiveness, but close? that makes everything better. having sak around helps too, cos we talked about (what else?) lolita, lolita clothes, making lolita clothes, drawing lolitas and buying loli-stuff. OMG. this christmas we shall be MATCHING! IW rose emboridery skirters. MATCHING!:D and she brought taiyaki, which i promptly ate and murdered (ahhh...cannibal!tsu)

honestly though, in all the excitement - sometimes i just don't know what to think. part of me is happy, like all my childhood dreams and adventures are finally finally taking place, the person that goes "omoishiroi!" and dances in the rain with broken umnbrellas. an imagination picture: the person that stands at the edge of a cliff, arms flung out to embrace this wide beautiful world in an all-encompassing delightfulness of childlike enthusiasm that is inside you and me and everyone else xD

and then there's the part that perhaps is like you and me and everyone else that doesn't really want to leave now that i've gotten a safe haven here, and that my home is really where the people i love should be, and to take the simple non-excitive joy of strolling down a familar street with a familar face and knowing your place that exists in that world is recognized and cared for.

but then, i like to think optimistically =D
that maybe, it's okay

like, you can never lose anyone unless you want to. you lose touch sometimes, but you never lose anyone. they're just there, ready and waiting and sometimes it's people you don't even know - so it's okay if you smile and maybe they'll smile back and then and then - it's alright isn't it? and then there's always the special people, who, within the same sky and same earth - is always with you in soul.

so audy, don't be scared k? i'll never leave you because you're part of my soul just like i'm part of yours and it's like knowing each other since forever. it doesn't matter how far or scary or whatever happens because i'll always be there no matter what. like, as long as the sky is blue and you remember the promise of this lifetime forever it'll be okay. i still remember xD and i'll never forget.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:44 a.m.+

oolongcha petbottle

i hold you in my heart (myheart)
for all the loving we wasted and lost (what you've done?)
a single sparkled photograph (kirakirapuri<3)
flashfoward-snap-
(aren't we wishing for slowtimeslowhands?)
i hold you close to my heart (yourheart)

/retire

(in my heart always in your heart)

-----------

dreamt that up in the shower lolz~

Kyaaa~ The past few days have been perfect. Perfect like the way perfect was meant to be - all dreamy and downysoft with dazzling sunshine and trees that shimmered and dipped and yes, those images that you hold close to your heart - who needs a camera when you have a memory?

I think, photographs never really manage to capture anything (which is why i'm not a photographer :x). It becomes just a scene - a frozen kind of mental icecube with no scent or sensation, what of the sand between your toes, all sparkling white with bits of shell mixed in, with the rubbish-salty smell of the sea? so indefinite. If an essence could be captured, then it would be in scent.

Yesterday was all kino and lolipops and OMG sushi! and went high eating sushi and sashimi and all that raw, yummy stuff until the wasabi made me cry and audy laughed and bumped into a guy who was looking for a film book for his sister and felt happy~~~~

then today was black horn(y) chocolate and dumplings with too much ginger and lunch and sleeping in and wonderful things. why do i bother? i will never forget. i just need to tell everyone that today and yesterday is beautiful - and tomorrow will be beautiful too :D

PS. i have a strawberry cake craving. make sense? o.o

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:09 a.m.+

smoke

My diet has gone down the drain!!! Horror! D:! But then I think about it that in Australia they don't have barbeque otah or laksa or popiah and then my brain just goes "fuckit!" and I go happily eating bandung icecream ^^

It's really funny how I dislike spicy food, but my favourite favourite Singapore street food is laksa and otah, both of which are spicy :D~ I don't know why, maybe I'm just being contradictory again.

Met up with Rachel Koh at Harbourfront and it's huge! o.O I never realized how big Vivocity is, and how much have changed *laughs* I sound like a true country bumpkin right? Had lunch at Superdog, tried the brackwurst and saukeraut (her recommendation) and it's really good~ The sausage is just nice, not too salty or meaty, with a nice spring to it and I like the pickles xD pickles for everyone! Strolled into Daiso to buy cheap and inherently useless things - I have a theory that shops like Daiso/Ikea exist to remind you of the nessescities you never knew you needed, in which, the shop itself becomes a nessescity.

Slacked off at PageOne; stoned, dwadled, contemplated on the cheapskate philosophy and the importance of trash, then whisked off to tea - the full works. Talked even more, and contemplated on the wonderful meanings of the the word indulgence as well as relationships and other sundry. LOL, I like Rachel. For the simple reason that she understands what I'm saying and not, and the sheer fact that sometimes silence is as comfortable as not. Anyway it was fun~ took a long, sunset-streaked busride home on the 855, skipped dinner (ZOMG ate so much! especially the chocolate mud cake dunked in tea!) and checked my email.

OMG I GOT AN APARTMENT AT LYGON! AND IT HAS AN ATTACHED BATHROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's really really wonderful (especially the bathroom part). I'm just too lazy to walk too much, and having an attached bathroom is a fantastic idea. I can't wait to move in and redecorate!!!!!!!!<3

Now, online slacking on memes, we love memes don't we? xD


Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:40 a.m.+

Point.

Writing Akame fanfiction makes me emo ;____;

+tsu waited for you at 03:35 a.m.+

soundtrack of my summer

It's odd to feel like now; now
being relative to only here and there and everywhere
and suddenly, I just feel like listening to Gackt

Sometimes I feel it's so pointless to explain, since explainations change over time from can't to cannot to wouldn't and sorry. Which do you start with? The before or after? To be honest - at least, as honest that I can be now, I'm happy to go Australia. Not just to study, but to get away. Because everything is related. In my heart, I wish I could untangle everything - the good and the bad and the ugly; the happy and sad and crazy but I can't. Memories don't work that way. They just lump and tangle themselves into a huge mess called PAST in capitals and you're just afraid to prod it more than you already are.

And then when you mix it together with insecurity and a almost almost driven urge to prove, you just kinda wanna get away. It's not anyone's fault, just merely a recognition that it's better - just go, and disappear and lose yourself in somewhere new and exciting and just plain strange so that you can't hurt yourself in the newness of it all.

I've never been a fighter - not now, not ever.

a distant voice
is shyly laughing at you - at me
crescent lashes brushing smudges hiding
delightful secretlaughter
or
tears?

The taste of chrysanthemum all over again.

It's odd that audy suddenly feels so sickened and horrifed by scary stuff/imagination. I suppose, I'm luckier in that sense. I grew up with it, I never knew what a day was like without feeling frightened - for instance, there was never a day I would voluntarily play McGee's Alice or watch horror films. Even the idea of it makes me shudder (thus, I have changed my soundtrack to Lonely 'n' Gorgeous) I mean, when you grow up with it - you become smarter about it. Like, surrounding yourself with material items. Particularly beautiful and cute items - not too beautiful, but a kind of zakka-esque cutesyness.

For me, it's a combination of lolita, wangsty fanfiction and anime music. Oh, throw in an occasional prettyboi too~

I really don't know how to help her :x on one hand I don't really understand since I never knew what's it like to be not scared - I just take measures against it. A kind of allergic reaction remedy. Like, don't watch scaryshows. Don't read scarystories. Wear more pink. Sleep as late as you can so you're too tired to think. Like that lor

Anyway, went winter shopping for items again. Finally got a nice, BLACK vest which makes me look totally schoolgirly - like WHOA!schoolgirl. I grabbed 2 cardigans too, since they were on sale and came in burgendy and teal~ I <3!:D

Okay Akame fic time.

brb

[edited]

----------BEAUTIFUL, Akame oneshot------------

Beautiful, that's what he thinks they look like now. Beautiful like polished gemstones - multifaceted lights that glimmered and sparkled to an audience of thousands; sparkling like the shimmery Johnny's outfits they wore - outrageously sequinned with colourfully exotic feather boas like some splendidly paradisical bird. Beautiful, dangerous, awesome, seductive. Each step with each gyration of hips - a pout, a kiss, the subtle lip of an eyebrow. He watches them, he watches him. Especially him. Beautiful. That's what we were - no, that's what they are.

It isn't like that now.

It wasn't like this before - back before when everything was soft and dirty and blurry at the edges like unformed paper, raw edges breaking sullicently into fragile, twisty little threads like friendships and smiles and sunshine and messy hair that stuck up at the edges and thin hips that poked instead of thrust and all those bits and pieces that didn't make perfect - but was okay. And he was part of them and they were part of him and everyone seemed to bounce of each other - reflecting smiles and hopes and horrified grimaces at practice schedules and evil sempais that kicked their teenage butts. Like that. Okay. And then suddenly there radioshow and Seishun Amigo and rumours and all that stuff and rubbish but somehow glamourous too - 'cause who knew any other teenager who had paparazzi? Like paparazzi? It was cool. And no matter what they were still together, all soft and squishy and still blurry at the edges when each smile wrapped into anothers like who is me and we are we are and all those friendship things that boys do and geez, we didn't hold hands or cry okay? okay. I mean, we're manly, even when Kame cried when he missed his favourite baseball match because of practice and Koki always forgot to wash his underwear and then Ueda would scream like a girl and hit like a boy. And everything was wonderfully okay, okay?

Then, suddenly - it's gone.

He thinks about now, more than ever before. He doesn't know what to say now, to tell them all the things he did and the girls he met with cheesy American pickup lines and bad Japanese and the swagger and still he's Akanishi Jin, right? Right?! It's alright, he thinks, everything will be okay. But okay doesn't do it anymore, not with everyone so beautiful and gorgeously perfect and moving further and further away until he doesn't know where to start or what to do - does it start with the lyrics that he missed or the dance that he never knew? The soft edges are gone with hard light shining like neon candy bricks - all hard and spotlighted with cagey smiles and knowing winks (where does the knowing come from? he wonders) He doesn't know what to do with himself, so he goes up to hug Kame on the shoulder again and it hurts, it fucking hurts when all he feels is freezing and flinching and bones under his touch that isn't warm, that isn't soft and maybemaybemaybe (oh my god!maybe!) isn't Kame-chan anymore.

And he knows - he knows, it's gone.

So he watches silently, still swaggering and smirking and trying-to-touch-not-touching-Kame as the fangirls scream in wholehearted response. He wants to tell them, it's perfect now 'cause they're back together. It's perfect with KATTUN meotoric rise, electricifying sales and dramas and advertising begging for their lovely faces. It's perfect with each perfect poise and smile and god - Kame again, all lovely and grownup with perfect perfect everything down to the last toenail. And then maybe he could tell them too, in a way he never will - why he left, why he had to leave because they'll never understand but only remember that it was Jin that left them and the fans and Johnny and everything else. And maybe he'll tell Kame too, how much he wants - he wants all of them to be okay.

Not perfect, just okay.

He wants all of it back now - back before Kame had such glittery knowing eyes that made him feel small and frightened of what's behind them (don't look, you don't want to know) because then maybe it's not him that protects his cute kohai anymore - it's Kame again and again and somehow he's gotten stronger and perfect and hard with sharp edges and thin sides and he tells himself to just let it go now - because he'll never be able to catch up, he'll never be as perfect as they were because all he wants back is for all of them to be okay.

Okay?

-------------------------------

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:45 a.m.+

dive

and then you realize, oh shit you're just as fucked up as they come.

+tsu waited for you at 04:45 a.m.+

Thank you, for being delicious

I feel deliciously fangirly and happy.
Sometimes I seriously question the line I draw between randomness and insanity, but today I'm just happy to walk all over it.

define limits
in chalklines
feet stepping makes the powder glow
burrily
where to start?

I like to think of tennis courts and suddenly, for no particular reason, it's like the sunlight smells of cinnimon and hay and warm bread and the sky is limpid and pure and so blue and remarkably doused with yellow gold. It's not bright, but it's not dark either. Just illuminated. And even though it's a nothing and ordinary day - where nothing happens except sleeping in till the afternoon and waking up to green lighted curtains like a butterfly flapping in heavy downy sheets that feels like soft warm smiles wrapping you up as you pad to the toilet (feet silent on wood) and brush your teeth and you'll think: this is the happiest day of my life

knowing that - tomorrow would be another happiest days.

and later we're going swimming, all warm and slumpy and toe-ticklingly happy in a big bathwater of cholrine like goldfish swimming aimlessly with the short term memory of 3 secs as we flap and fizzle from one end of the pool to the other just slicing through the water thinking as though it's limitless; just like the eternity we all know and it's not the corners that we bump at each lap, but a 3 sec rememberance of the other end of paradiase.

I'm just really ranty and happy now~
It's a combination of Akame fics, lolita clothing and icecream ^^

ahhh.....how I love these kinds of days best :D

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:29 p.m.+

closing in

I feel like cotton candy - all soft and pink and insubstantially sweet, thick and light and contradictory on the lips and heavy, but oh so light and spun and quick as feathers or melting snow.

Slept in today and basically slept throughout the entire day - I woke at 2.45pm, then went to my grandparents' house (the nice ones) and fell asleep again after dinner and now I'm still feeling sleepy and warm. That's right, chickensoup summersky warm.

Today's the rise of GST, boo. It's annoying how much tax we pay (I think CPF should be considered a form of taxation too, since we don't see it until eer.....do we even see it at all?) and yet we get negigliable benefits. I wonder when "welfare" became a bad word - isn't the government supposed to maximize welfare and externalities?

Oh well, I'm not planning to stay here anyway.

Tomorrow....hmmm I'll go get some laksa, since I haven't had any. Then I'll go Orchard to look for my winter stuff - I need a scarf and vest. Maybe go Chinatown for sakema.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:24 p.m.+

ow.

My feet hurt. Ow.
It's like.......ahhh!crack!goodpainbadpain!
I can't decide :x

I really wanna be a total emoji-whore, but pitas doesn't have that kind of copy-past ability *sighs* if only my handphone could blog! Anyway I am distressingly in love with fairywish. distressingly. Because if anyone were to put ANY fairywish item on sale, I would problably snap it up. Except, the summer longskirtset :x I mean, I'll totally get everything else from the hat to the socks to the bloomers (because I think it'll look SO CUTE with Moon Afternoon) It's almost as bad as Kuro's moitie obsession - or maybe mine's worse!

Anyway, had tuition in the morning - tutored this nice kid called Valesha? Pretty unique name. Quite smart, a bit shy and suffers from nervousness. Honestly, it's not like I'll eat you alive or something. I like sugar! Not eating kids! :0 Went for the pre-departure talk, and er...............

I didn't like the Poly students AT ALL.
I'm actually grateful they'll be in 2nd year, not 1st.

They're boring! Like in a ridiculously boring way....and this is supposed to be the Arts Fac?!?! how uncool! I feel offended at their uncool-ness......is uncool catching? So gross. Anyway they're in Year 2, so I don't share classes with them. They're not from NYP though, they're all from Nee Ann Poly. Whatever. Is that Poly-is-better-than-JC belief a myth then? Problably. What really annoys me is that the student volunteer from Melbourne had such a sian expression I didn't feel like talking much at all. Plus, she spoke so softly I could barely hear her. The only good part? FREE FOOD! OMG the strawberry tarts were such love~

Dinner (Geylang prawn mee!) and an jiao with dad - omg my feet hurt. I'm a fragile loli girl, please be kind to my feet kthxbai. Talked to dad for once (I realize we only talk to him when it concerns things that has nothing to do the future) then went to Island Creamery for dessert. It's kinda nice when he's acting like a human being and not a ruthless businessman. But! *sighs* you know it never lasts.

Anyway, here are my flight details, finally confirmed:

10th July, 9.55am Terminal 2

Which means, I'll have to check in at 7am in the friggin' morning.......boo~~~~~~~~:c well! At least I got a ticket! And baggage allowance!<3 I am happy for my baggage allowance kz!:D 40KG = FTW!

-----------------------------

I'm just really tired lately, like....just from knowing when I'll leave. There seems to be so much to do, so much to pack, so many goodbyes to be said and then you realize you don't even want to leave because it just isn't enough time anymore and all you want to do is make it last forever and ever and ever and ever and you wonder why you wanted to leave in the first place but the plane's coming tomorrow and that's the last thing you want to think about when you're sitting on the floor and folding clothes and maybe folding your heart in as well cos you won't see each other for the next 6 months.

something like that.

i wish i could hold on now forever

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:24 p.m.+

*squee*

OMG YESTERDAY I GOT MY FAIRYWISH SKIRT AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH! *heartsxbillion* I feel so......happy! And and and! *squees* It makes me look skinny! Like, moitie-skinny! Amazing!<3 I already heart it~

The construction is really awesome though. It's thick wool weave, fully lined into one layer (they doubled it) with interfaced high waist band. The print is actually RAISED, it's some kind of embossing, and sewn with metallic silver thread so it shines in the sun. The lace is perfectly matched wool, around the waist and skirt. The best best part is the fit. It's the most perfectly flared skirt I've ever seen (and I didn't even wear a petticoat!) I'm serious. I don't know how they got the proportions so perfect but when I wear it I look taller and slimmer and borderline.....elegant. I am AMAZED.

Anyway it's definitely coming with me to aust ^^
I hope to do a fairywish photoshoot with it!

Went out with Alex for lunch today at Mos, and then talked about schooling and long distance relationship and banking.....we're thinking of investing with First Bridge Funds, with $5,000 capital. It's not bad, 10%-12% p.a. and can be reinvested. If we wait till about 5 years, it'll be quite a tidy sum (enough to do Bhutan!). So yay! Then went to audy's place to watch Shimotsuma, and for the first time I got LOST and went into this ulu ulu ulu place that looked like Malaysia called Hume St (in which I automatically thought of FFXII boo~~~)

Anyway she liked it yay~ then had dinner with the aunties and felt sorry for Clarice (omg my pity goes out to you kid) Tomorrow I'm teaching tuition, and then at 1pm I need to be in Orchard Hotel for the pre-departure brief. Hopefully I'll see dad for dinner and get those cheques renewed boo~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:19 a.m.+

semi colon

Somehow, it hasn't really sunk in yet that I'll be gone in 2 weeks' time.

3 years.

I can't imagine.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:48 a.m.+

Enheisier

Woke up to a phonecall - remember that woman I bumped into at Kino? Seems like really wants me as a tutor! Yay, so anyway I'm tutoring the girl this Saturday for Lit, and hopefully all goes well hmm? Anyway I went straight to sleep after the phonecall, and woke up around early afternoon.

Had lunch, then slacked 'round the house until late afternoon ('cause it was less hot) and roped sis into going out with me. Went to Kino to buy pretty letter-paper and look for purikura-sticker books then headed for Pepper Lunch for an early dinner since Aya wanted to eat cows. Moo~ cows were yummy and we fell upon the cows like carnivores. Aya was awesome! She finished everything from the cows to the taugay to the rice. Then went to Funan Centre and bought a......FUJITSU! hahahah, and I thought I would be getting a Toshiba. Guess there's always another way huh?

It's pretty gorgeous - all pearly white with a spill resistent keyboard and mini-tablet (I feel so shiok, it's a Wacom!). Best thing? Super fast 2Ghz processor from Intel Duo 2 Core, 2GB RAM and 120GB HDD space. And the graphics is bright and shiny too. The only problem is that it's quite heavy at 2.8kg but since I'm using it as a desktop replacement, I really can't ask for more. And and and! I got an external HDD from Maxtor (120GB) to go with my laptop too! For all my anime/drama needs!:D

I'm getting worried about accomadation and my airticket though :x ARGH AUSTRALIA YOU HAVE LOUSY LOUSY SERVICE. I mean, c'mon! How hard is it to answer an email? To someone who is interested in renting your apartment? JUST REPLY DAMNIT :/

Anyway after buying laptop, went with Aya to eat dessert tapas at Bakerzin and it was sooooooooooooooo good.....mmmm~ pistachio creme brulee~ she'll problably write a long lengthly food report, so I don't have to! xD xD xD It was sumptiously sweet and happy ~ I really love desserts, I wish more people loved desserts but not everyone likes sweet things only so it's hard to find a good dessert partner besides Aya

----------------

I'm really tired of househunting.

Just listening to the soft, sad blues of Summertime.....you know what it sounds like? Soft rich violets - like than song, pansies for rememberance, violets for thoughts. Think in rich, jeweled blue soaked in rum and smoke and deadened sadness as though the saxophone was drawing every single heavy eyed cynical note into a long, langerous purr of summertime......

wheatfields; broken romances like broken ears of corn, yellow and ripe and deliciously warm with sweatsoaked skin and sunlight. you'll think of that; in the coolness of a citylighted night with olden dreams of illdyic summertime: tell yourself it didn't happen, tell yourself it couldn't happen, smoke that thin minty fliter and exhale all nostalgic longings away as the voices seduce and recall; over and over again.

I wish I went on a holiday.
*sighs*
BUT! first piority is getting accomadation.

Good thing that happened today: MY FAIRYWISH SKIRT ARRIVED! Going to collect it from Kuro tmr.

things to do tmr
Call those Real Estate Agents
Call SIA cargo
Collect fairywish skirt
Confirm alex friday, 11am
Email mom Sat, 1pm -4pm Pre-dept seminar
Dad, Sat dinner
Tuition, Sat, 9.30am, my place (15/hr)

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:51 p.m.+

Yellow

Which member of the Ouran High-School Host Club are you?

You are Mitsukuni Haninozuka!
Take this quiz!

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+tsu waited for you at 10:39 p.m.+

homehunting

I have a vague vague idea of how it feels like to be newlywed now. The constant flurry of activity and packing (is it done? is it done? OMG IS IT DONE?!?!, then decided household appliances (should I get a pink ricecooker or a beige ricecooker? OMG IT HAS FLOWERS!, looking for an apartment (it isn't loli enough!!), opening bank accounts (WTF only National accepts overseas?! etc etc.

I wonder if this is what's like to be married LOL.
And I still haven't gotten my cultery yet!

Anyway, I've decided to theme my would-be home to be neutrals with a hint of cool overtones. Lots of beige, cream, white and grey with mint, aqua blue, baby blue, navy blue and splashes of crimson red. The funny thing is that its exactly like the fics I write - all wooden floors, dove grey curtains, robin egg walls and the fluffy softness of cloudlike white. And so far, my criteria for househunting (besides the norm) is that it's a high apartment and has LOTS of windows. I love windows. I want to sleep next to one. And wake up to one. And watch the sky all day long~~~~~~~~

*sighs happily*

Anyway the negotiations went well - I got my cheque, my brother got his and everything's dandy, even though the Ghost of Uncle Sam tried to snipe me again lolz. I honestly don't get it - what do you gain by telling my dad I drink too much? Is it believable in the first place? Especially when I refuse to drink 3/4 of the time? I don't get it....I mean, we don't even drink when we're having dinner with you! o.O doesn't make sense at all. I mean, if you're going to make a story, at least make a believable one okay?

It's strange but I don't feel hurt anymore by dad beliving uncle sam more than me. just bitter. but i guess that's normal, if nothing else. *shrugs* sandpaper and roses anyone?

Anyway, tomorrow will have MORE errands to run, and hopefully this weekend I can meet up with Alex, and then I have dinner with dad on Sat (better warn sis...) and yeah. Buy laptop this Weds....any recommedations?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:49 a.m.+

steamed

it starts with the guitarist saying hello
hello?hello?
overthemusic comes his voice again
all i can hear are lips moving
soundlessly through the music of
now

Massive shopping! I feel like I got married on my own o_O is this how married couples feel? Except that instead of arguing with my husband, I'm arguing with myself eg. "does my ricecooker need to be pink?" "It's pointless to think about matching ricecookers." "But lolis need to coordinate!"".....whatever." "OMG how can you say that?!" etc etc etc. Anyway I got a PINK!ricecooker in the end, with cute flowery sides. And a WHITE!slow cooker to match....so I guess my house decor will be -nameless-carpeting, white walls and pastel crockery. I even got matching bathtowels and handtowels in baby blue and mint! And bedroom slippers in baby blue too~

Hopefully there's some fabric shops, so I can get some fabric to throw over the sofas, get a tablecloth, some fairylights, lamps, a fan, some lace for a lampshade etc etc. My apartment must be beautiful! I insist on beautiful things~~~~~ I'm really praying for an Ikea, because I need cushions too. The best would be if I could get a housedress made~ a housedress for baking in! Isn't that adorable???<3

I think I'm really meant to be a housewife lolz

Anyway I got most of my stuff for uni, it'll be fun I think! Tomorrow, or rather today I'm meeting dad to settle accomadations. It's busy, it's hetic, I still haven't gotten my laptop *sighs* I'll do that on Tuesday.

And I really want to change my layout.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:57 a.m.+

rufflebutt :D

I'm making a rufflebutt dress xD
It consists of 4.5m of fabric and 5m of lace
In other words, it's very very ruffly
Basically it's the Marie Antoniette JSK + bustle
So my arse will be large! and hugumously lacey!
OMG I HAVE A LACELY BUTT!

Anyway, I have a headache and I'm rather tired. Graham's party. Can I say I was bored? Can I say I was disinterested? I didn't even eat much (damned) - everything had curry! or chilli! and the weather is so heaty so I cannot eat!!! the worst is now I'm hungry :x

oh yeah...
I GOT MY VISA GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*cheers*

Okay, now to buy everything before the GST increases

Love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:37 a.m.+

Nebulous

retaking overtaken
a hiss of delightful sorrow
amberic gaze; a single press of
word
[macabre]

I'm wondering what to do about tomorrow.

I just want to run.

Closed curtains switch off the sky to me, but I know what's behind - it's indigo and dark and heavy with clouds with an eyelash of moonlight, peering obscurely with the cold, cold eye of night. I can feel it under my skin now, for days - a hinted cold, a brush of warning. No wind.

corpseful hands of skeletal
rain;
how cold
how delicate to
touch

I miss earphones. Speakers are fine and dandy for dorama and all, but you need earphones for the yurameki.

deep rolling rolling
waving mountains sinking valleys
cresting and rolling, rising and falling
inhale dirt, dust, earth

[God's in heaven and only earth is shit]

i can't be scared because audy is
one of us, has to be the sane one at all times
if both of us were to break at the same moment
then it really is utter destruction

it's so fragile, life.
so much more chancy that the flip of draginfly's wings
so much more mysterious than the darkest red moon
even now, i wonder in awe - at the sheerness of it
and yet
so fragile

like glass, only more broken

to some extent, i long for australia not because of australia itself, but rather because i am heartily sick and tired of the politics of singapore. i've had enough. if it disgusted me in china, it disgusts me even more in singapore.

but.
then there's audy.
and audy is here.
and she's more important to me than maybe even i, or she knows.
we don't really talk about it, much.

when people ask, it's more like a "how can i not love her?" rather than a why. it's so simple. so easy. so comfortable - so different from everything else. with audy, i have implicit trust that she will not abandon or betray me (difficult, but slowly growing trust) whereas for everyone else i will always be suspicious. yes, even my own family. yes, that includes everyone that is not audy. yes, it's unfair. no, you can't just claim it. yes, everyone has to earn it, and audy does too. no, never completely but i'm trying. yes, problably one day.

I can't seem to think clearly lately.
It's annoying.

------------------------

Went book shopping with uncle Marc, then to Chinatown/Outram Park. Is it odd that I feel as comfortable there as I do in Orchard Road? Or maybe, I feel more comfortable there nowadays because the chances of running into someone is lower.

Then again, eternal vigilance!

Anyway I finished the books on the train, which kinda made me feel cheated :x hahaha, or maybe I just read too fast sometimes~

List of Things to Do
- check visa
- buy gosgrain ribbon tomorrow
- check prices of laptops
- finish reading King's Bucaneer
- draw up a list of packing items
- check price for ricecooker
- start grinding the ikan bilis
- go out with mom on sunday to buy everything we need
- double check with natz what's expensive
- settle accomadations
- settle dad *le sigh*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:56 p.m.+

hahaha

Which literature classic are you?

Charles Baudelaire: The Flowers of Evil. You are one of the most loved and hated poetic works. Death and decadence are important themes for you, but none should overlook your impressive aesthetics, either. Deep down youre not evil at all, you just like to play the tough guy on the block.
Take this quiz!

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+tsu waited for you at 07:18 p.m.+

plop

i need a new layout :x

i feel like something angsty - subaru maybe? bad habits, but true habits. i feel rambly. i wonder why. (btw, that's a lot of "I"s in a paragraph. how quaint.)

to a suddenness, i feel a bit lost - but not in a purposeless way, but more lost in a frustrated way. a kind of resistence to what is already know, the actual sealing of knowledge in memory; something like that. i guess it could be inertia, or just denial of the inevitable.

at night when i'm sleepy, it seems like i walk on two realities; the one before and one i'm at now (although now is questionable as reality is merely a frabric?); old memories, fake memories, half-felt desires - all is known at night. so i thought of something i rarely think about now, some comparisions of loneliness and cities and skylights and living and the sheer cost of doing. then the things you think are solid are merely stuff for reference, guidlines really. it's like being 9 years old ago and sitting in the church library reading while uncle peter looked at me and told me about his special earlobes, the distant voices of teachers and their angry frustration at my reluctant attendence. they wondered about me. i never wondered. i read.

i wonder what will happen, if i were to lose my memory one day?

maybe with enough friends, you can build your old life back - but never your old self. like today with the smell of audy's hair and we sprawled lazily on floor readinf Fables and napping, smells clean and fresh and happy and warm just to be with another person. audy might remember it and tell it to my anemesiac-self : that is what happened today but she won't be able to tell that person what i felt.

so then what of the memories i have on my own?

it's strange, but very few people have memories of being alone. i mean, truly alone. i have some, not a lot, but some. one memory is when i was a child, after i came back from school i would put my clothes in the laundry and one day i noticed that my school badge caught the light from the window and reflected on the wall like a glimlet of light. and then i picked it up and decided that the glimlet of light was offically my gaurdian angel and named "tinkerbell". i just spent a whole afternoon like that, sitting there with dirty clothes and soapy water, playing with my metal schoolbadge. that is one memory no one has but me, isn't it strange?

i think maybe that's why it's good to keep blogging, so that even the memories of being aloneself, can be recorded.

but it's not the same is it?
i can still feel the kitchen, brown and beige and warm
colours i remember before the redecoration.
the red tub, the way the light spilled like halos
such a long time seems so near now

sometimes i feel terribly old

imagine if we were in a fantasy world
what would you be?
audy.....
audy would make a good artisan spy, perhaps an inventer.
brilliance tempered by an inability to play court intrigue
sis.
hmmm
somehow, i think a paladin?
or perhaps, a vice-chancellor of court.
a bit too kind, not ruthless enough; a gruff healer
sak
hahahha...
i can imagine her as old boy; absolutely illogical and silly, but unimaginably powerful in other ways.

hmmmm that leaves alicia, who would make a great academic and i can see kurokaze as a merchant prince while rachel koh would make a good mercenary.

so what would i be? i'll like to be a wandering magician, but i guess i'll be a loremaster - keeper of records and histories, reciting old epic battles and older poetry. remembering things.

the good about remembering things is you appreciate everything about you, the bad is you habour grudges like no tomorrow (which makes you appreciate life even more)

i feel sleepy. that's nice.
to hold awake when you're halfasleep is like
living inbetween reality
then
in that deceptive chance
you feel like you can do everything
live the impossible

isn't that right?
that's what we try, don't we?
the truth is yurameki drives me, and still does
nothing's changed.
only
a face

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:18 a.m.+

en pointe (this is a book rant)

OMG SQUIRE JAMES MARRIES GAMINA AND LOCKLEAR DIES?!?! WTF! LOCKLEAR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KNIGHT MARSHAL OF KRONDOR!

I'm really pissed off now. And what's up with Calis/Miranda/Pug???? I mean, Calis is suddenly a cold bastard and not the cute kid that we met in Silverthorn while Katala is dead and Pug hasn't aged? I thought only Marcos the Black was cursed with immortality. The Serpentwar Saga is also 10xxxxxxx times bloodier than the Korndor or Riftwar saga though......without Jimmy, it's not funny anymore. It's just piles and piles of dead characters. Especially when Biggo died and Calis's army began to fall apart I was totally WTFing at that point. The only salvation is Roo and Naktor, but there isn't enough of them.

I really like Naktor though hahaha, he's like a rambly version of that Keshian Ambassador Hazrad-Khan LOLZ.

And then today I found out why my Korndor series seems to have an indefinite ending - it's because book 5 and 6 are TBA!!!! ARGH!!! I hate unfinished novels more than I hate unfinished fanfics. Fanfics I get, 'cause well you're doing it for free and it's not like millions of people are reading anyway. Novels on the other hand, really piss me off when they're incomplete - especially when they leave such tantalizing clues.

That reminds me, I really need to pick up King's Buccaneer and Prince of Blood. I need to complete my Western Relm collection, and also that I want to know how they managed to cross the Endless Sea without Raugth the Dragon's help. I thought it was impossible? But the earlier books hinted it was possible, so I suppose we were prepared for it anyway.

I'm just annoyed that the villian turns out of be the same as the way Tomas was formed. Seemed very "cheater". lol

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:45 a.m.+

Please come back home

If you've been wondering where my blogging's gone, blame it all on Y!J. Loli-shopping is EATING MY SOULZ, EATING MY MINDZ, EATING MY LIFE. The worst part is, I'm turning gothic. I have gazillions of BLACK!clothes. My blacky-ness is scaring me. I need cupcakes. Fluffy, OverTheTop cupcakes filled with pinkysweetlove and strawberries and cream<3

Besides that, I played Wii today at uncle Marc's house and it was pretty fun killing bunnies. My coordination sucks, but I did okay - the tennis game was really fun! Also reading my Fiest books because I can't bring my library to Melbourne with me. *sighs* Damn. Oh, talking about Melbourne , I made friends with the lolis in Melbourne and they're really cool!<3 I can't wait to see them and have a winter meetup - it sounds really fun! Maybe we can go ice-skating??1?! :D

Anyway, lots of stuff to do: I need to checkup on my visa, buy a laptop + others before GST hike and fix my accomadation in Melbourne. And of course, grab lots of loli stuff while at it xD

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:16 a.m.+

Telekinetisis

telekinetisis
silde down the wild side
[lookatmelookatme]
of lips that burn in neon light
overbright - a poisioned sip
reverbrates in the oversaturated delight
[euphoric//paradiase]
believe, my intoxicator

[god's in heaven//all's right in worlds]

My brain is frying and i have a serious detestation of caps nowadays. I don't know why, but I'm seriously beginning to dislike caps. As in, CAPS. They seem so seriously proper - as though i can't make all my sentances equally flat and democratic. capital letters are UNdemocractic, because it makes the small letters feel smaller and they look bigger.

i'm still contemplating whether i should continue with no caps, or caps while blogging. maybe it'll only be for writing purposes because somehow i'm not comfortable with them anymore.

today's weather feels like thai silk and rainwashed skies - all grey and soft and dovelike with a hint of predatory amber eyes (does it exist? is it the firelight?). all opium dreams and half-thought fantasties lingering over the dusk and lust. you'll think of the greys that seem to shield with smoke yet briefly passing to see the form beneath. sugata. expression. form. words that linger hidden under layers of subucanteous thought.

voice
should you whisper?
if as another voice would call from the dark
in the dark
which of is yours?
such are the pleasures of company

the truth is, the grey is not so much smoke as mecury quicksilver - the profound illumination that comes not from the sun, but the luminous brilliance from the sheer transparency of a layered sky. the graduating shades of white and grey and silver and just light itself - all pure and glowing and softly silken. the cool light that seems in to form a sky cocoon.

I just like how it deepends
Well, not really, just how it gets slowly darker

anyway it's been a busy week. monday = collect money, was late because the australian embassy was being a pissass, finally paid, went to the tailor for fairywish shirt and floral jsk. tuesday was hmmm....what happened on tuesday? i can't remember. was it with rachel koh? argh. this happens when you forget to blog. then wednesday was PoTC, and I LOVE THE MUSIC kthnxbai. i love OSTs. i might dislike albums, but i generally like OSTs. (that reminds me, i need the PotC one) thursday had medical checkup and x-ray test for the visa, and ummm....something. ah yes, i went holland village to buy ribbon and ended up getting a whole pile of Raymond Fiest novels. then friday was the teddy bear tea, and then saturday was the lolita teaparty which ended with a lot of snarking and rude habits. *sighs*

next week: monday tea with alicia. tuesday uncle marc. wednesday audy. thurs and fri are still free (thank god). saturday is graham's birthday, so i have to think of a gift AND something to wear. *yikes*

hopefully, it won't be so packed for the last few weeks. i'll like some time to catch my breath, read a couple of novels and watch some tv while slacking in bed.

love
tsu
i'm getting pimples from

+tsu waited for you at 06:25 p.m.+

Littlest Things

wondering what kind of dreams
tiny catapillars have in chrysalis
of butterfly wings?
such are the littlest things
that dream too

It's been a strange week. All the plans that go awry, mixed up and late and confusing mess of caught-up emotions, half-remembered feelings and a deep still disquiet of dreamlike living. Insubstantial. Listening to breakup songs everyday with the taste of white bean paste on my lips as I chew, contemplatively over chesnut manjuu and a sky that isn't here and the sky that is now.

i'm grieving, i think. a little.
for the friends i lost in china.

It's a slow process - you don't wake up one day with "oh. i'm gone." It's a slow, burning aching feeling of loss - made of loopholes and swinging steps and you tell yourself remind me how this ends//how this ends. things don't make sense, comes creeping into your conversation and you turn around and ask for things that isn't there. It tires. double living.

there can only be one you

Watched PoTC with audy, sak, aya, cyn and kiwi yesterday and it was fun! I *finally* wore my alice chess skirt with my sailor top and sak came in loli too! yay~ and audy was really cool and JE with JE shoes and JE hair....I swear, her hair looks like yamapipi's which is cute, even if she hates it. It's okay~ I hate mine too >_> It's getting curlier and curlier, although not to the extent it once was.

Anyway, pic! (liek!whoa, one of the few times I have pics)



Was feeling kinda tired by the end of the day, and I really didn't want to see auntie bobby - who is actually my godmother but whatever =/ I dislike her, and her air of moral superiority and "yes!I totally understand kids!" air. She pissed me off early when she said anime was st00pid and I should stop watching "cartoons". Then she thought that loli was some kind of play. And urgh. Basically it just went downhill from there - but for whatever reason my sis likes her, so honestly I think we should do a swap, and stop dragging me into things like that.

it's like the way she feels no duty-bound to mahmah. there's no point. i'll rather talk to mahmah than auntie bobbie, simply because auntie bobby does nothing and pisses me off while mahmah buys me a laptop and pisses me off. fair's fair ne?

Anyway I have a medical checkup today, and tomorrow I'm meeting Sak and Kuro for a teddy bear lunch. Homg, so many days so little things to wear. Oh yeah! I bought the fairywish skirt here. Yes, I'm aware it's a ridiculously expensive skirt. Yes, I know it's insane. BUT! it is a fairy wish skirt. it is SHINY! and SLIVER! and SHINY! winz.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:52 p.m.+

yatta~

Today I.....

- finished my visa application!:D
- went to mahmah's place
- picked up a baby blue sweater, a dark red cashmere cardigan and a hoodie windbreaker
-and it was HER! clothes. liek. mahmah's clothes.
-went to kino to read
-ate fried noodles
-dropped off the cheque + celine's thing
-bought fabric and tailored again
-omg it was TEAL X RED ROSES
-omg it was kinda auntie and kinda pretty
-i hope i can pull it off :x
-but i generally look young anyway, so auntie materials give me that dolly-antique look

TOMORROW IS POTC!<3

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:22 a.m.+

denno coil

OMG I LOVE DENNO COIL!

I really hope someone continues subbing it, because it's really great. The artwork is somewhat like a cross between Miyazaki and Eva - not surprising since this guy animated Eva, GIS, Perfect Blue and RahXephon. Can you hear my gleeful sounds of joy? :D:D:D It's not just the smooth, fluid lines, or the watercolour palette or the AMAZING!use of cyberkinetic pixels - the storyline itself is cool. Starts off a bit like Animatrix's Beyond segment, but slowly develops into a more Eva-istic questionaire e.g. Who is Yasuko? What is she? Who's "Miss Misako"? What's up with the Encoders? Who is her granfather?

Did I mention the fighting BGM is great too? I'm not so keen on the OP/ED, but I love love the BGM. It's kind of cowboybebop-ish but techno too.....does that make sense? Saxaphones and electronica. The chase sequences and the fight sequences are a real joy to watch though - makes me totally want to join into the cyberwarfare~ like.....bug sprays! brickwalls! obslete space!<3<3<3

Anyway, the only problem is that it's difficult to get subs - to such an extent that I'm seriously considering watching raw and then buying it when it comes out. The plot seems interesting and the visuals are a pleasure to watch - what more can I ask for?

More info: Dennou Coil Information

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:42 a.m.+

en pointe

sometimes my family makes me want to kill myself.
most of the time, i just wish they didn't exist.

take, give, fast, slow
what's there left to offer?

i hate people sometimes.
not often, but sometimes.

don't touch me you bastard.

everyone tells me to forget
then somehow or other, you rake it back up
and THEN accuse me of digging history
honestly
i don't even want to remember
if you didn't dig it first, i won't bother.

do you need to remind me every time?

i feel like crying.
i feel crappy.
i hate people.
tomorrow is a long day

sometimes, i don't want to wake up

+tsu waited for you at 12:52 a.m.+

pause.

I don't really get it. I'm back, I should be happy but I don't feel like it. I have a pounding heading and I don't feel like smiling when I wake up in the morning. Actually, I never feel like smiling in the morning but that isn't the point. The point being, that I don't feel like smiling at all.

Somehow, I just feel like going to a corner to cry.

I think part of the reason why I've been cake-ing so much this past week is because I feel crappy :( as in, crappy-withdrawl-crappy. Maybe it's because I've just been going out so much, and honestly - I'm cringing at the idea of the next few weeks full of socializing. I like people, but I need time off too. (that said, Monday Tuesday Wednesday are booked. fuck.)

My head hurts. For some reason, I don't like typing with caps anymore. boo.

Anyway yesterday was Rachel Koh and somewhat Clare, then audy then home. Today was audy and mom. So noisy. But my head hurts if I read. Made a new friend Tracy, and maybe I'll play tuition teacher who knows? Loli-meetup to be verified. Got my skirt from Kuro, re-read Darkness in Sethanon. I feel like looking at pretty pictures and dumb magazines

Tomorrow I'm making iced coffee for breakfast and eating otah with bread. And then I'll read dumb women magazines and hug bearbear and read akame fics~ yeah, that sounds good. Oh yeah! Forgot to mention - had enough Japanese food for the month. And.....I ATE NATTO TEMPURA! cool, ain't it?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:01 p.m.+

waiting for the sky to fall

chicken little chicken little
your head is down and the world's gone round
hither quicker scatter flicker
call me when the world is gone
.........gone?

i'm still waiting
for the sky to fall.
it's coming and i know it and i can watch it out
like a storm that travels; ominious
the darkening cloud
the thundering sound
the dooming drizzle
pratice
trial
for a performance day
you wait like me for the pin to drop

it was a great day honestly - i caught up with audy; all dazzling sunshine and pocky and laughter and hugs and toes too cold and silence that felt more comfortable than a snuggly blanket. then i ran off to the tailor, got ALL my clothes and twirled like a happy princess. i had sushi! OMG ONE MONTH'S worth of it - happiness in each meltingly wonderful, stomach bursting deliciousness. and it was good.

but
the realization hasn't sunk in yet
not really, not yet
am i really home?

am i?

so maybe tomorrow when i wake up, i'll know. i'm home. no more hiding in the admin office and gossiping with celine, no more teasing the office girls, no more calling up sun quan and poking at him, no more zhang wei xiong/wang guo qiang storming in to beg for coffee, no more an jiao, no more suan nai, no more bai chao tang, no more weekend shopping in gongbei or jingan, no more speaking in chinese, no more chang ku people; wang jia le and wang xiu shue and chao shue wen and qian yong. i don't have to chu my bianjiaoliao or check on the kitchen or manage the su se anymore. there's nothing left of that.

when will i know, that i've woken up?
when will it start to hurt?

there's so much.
to sort out.
right now.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:39 a.m.+

In which amaloli should REALLY be brown

Your Score: CHOCOLATE THERAPY!

You scored 85% SWEET, 66% CHUNKY, and 81% UNIQUE!

chocolate ice cream with chocolate cookies & swirls of chocolate pudding ice cream

You, my friend, ooze sweetness, just like this ice cream flavor. But there's much more to you than that...you tend to view things differently than other people and you like to engage yourself in creative, challenging activities. You're spunky, but not too wild, which is nice. Those who understand you tend to get along with you very well, appreciating all that you have to offer...and you offer a lot :)

+tsu waited for you at 11:18 a.m.+

quick note

Normal people, I guess - eat food, have conversation or sleep during lunch. tsu, on the other hand, reads p0rny yaoi fics, surfs loli and lives on coconut coffee. that said....

12 more hours till I'm home!

god. packing is an insanely difficult task.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:45 p.m.+

proverbial

Quite tired, mostly running on coffee anyway.....

-learnt 2 new chinese proverbs today!
-so apparently, it comes from the 4 beauties of china
-chun qiu shi dai is before san guo yan yi, appparently
-was kinda fun!
-typed out my timesheet
-and calculated my approximate salary
-am not very rich, but oh well
-gave celine the bag, and she was happy
-zomg! she might be moving to melbourne to work!
-friends are always good ne???
-had shao kao for dinner
-ate soooooooooooo much
-zomg it was really good
-especially the eggplant with egg!!!!<33333
-am NEVER going to get used to the ma la chilli
-pained goodness~~~~~~~~!
-it was in Sibu though
-i went to Sibu hahahahahha
-and frankly, in a big group i don't really give a fuck
-jingan has more fights, sibu has more dead
-AM GOING SHOPPPPPPPPPING TMR!!!!!!!!!!!!
-cooked dinner yesterday with NO GAS.
- i am like, totally awesome
- did it by using the ricecooker to cook soup, and the oven to bake chicken
-talked to audy the entire night~
-GANBATTE!audy!<3

anyway i really need to sleep, tomorrow i need to wake at 7.30

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:13 p.m.+

Warning: Cargo Overload

I think I have too many clothes.
Wait.
I KNOW I have too many clothes.

dresses
beth dress *TO BE SOLD*
brown tartan OP
maneki neko OP
blue/black gorgette OP
sailor redxwhite hoodie OP
grey jersey OP
origami blue JSK
dark blue minidoll JSK

skirts
A lot.I think about 20 >_<
latest additions:
-alice chess<3333
-pink strawberry ruffle
-purple pleated
-wool brownxcream dots
-redxwhite polka dots

shirts cotton cutsew with drawstring tie
meta replica (shortsleeve)
black shirt (longsleeve, mom)
O/P short sleeve (inherited from kor)
checked blue/white ($8 from bugis)
Tshirts = TooMany!

pants
purple rainbow tie cropped
black prince cropped
black work pants
black coudroy pants
blue workman cargo
blue dark jeans (my only pair!)
grey coudroy pants

planning to get
navy cashmere coat
fairywish blouse replica (long sleeve)

I need to start selling off stuff. *sighs* I really have WAAAAY too many tartan skirts and tshirts. And i still have a whole PILE of material to tailor - espeically the aquablue beth parasol print and blue tartan. that said, i just realized i have a LOT of blue items. yay for blue! (and red!)

okay enough clothestalk
IM IN YOUR CLOSET CALLING YOUR INNER BIMBO.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:30 p.m.+

hoist the colours high

Someone please upload the PoTC: World's End albumn because i'm addicted to the opening song aka. hoist the colours. it has a strangely addictive melody.

anyway, celine was really sick today so we didn't go guangzhou BUT! i went shopping in jingan again. thus, everyone gets stuff again! so ended up watching my apporiatedly pirated version of PoTC. YES IT'S OUT IN DVD! lol! there's a really good reason for this though, because there's no cinema around here for the next 10km radius (i think the nearest one is in HK/guangzhou). without piracy, i would've never been able to watch it.

[SPOILERS AHEAD!]

omg i just wanna know! is that kid in the opening a pirate lord??? he was holding a piece of eight! and and and I REALLY WANT THE OST. i love the techno remix of davy jones' song and wtf is up with elizabeth?? she gets stranded on the island to wait for him??? i mean, he pops up every 10 years right so inbetween she could sail out and then like, come back the day before. and the cutscene with daddy-jackie was kinda cute. what really bothers me is that calypso is a sea-goddess -_-;;;;; i hate to say it, but mythologically speaking calypso (sometimes spelt as callipso) was NOT a sea-goddess, she was the muse of epic poets that was captured when her scroll was stolen. with it, came the creation of ulysses, illiad and golden fleece (Greek Epical Trilogy). i know it's really picky of me, but i'm a picky person when it comes to legends and since they put so much effort in researching about davy jones' and kraken and flying dutchman - i mean, they should've done something about it. i would've voted for aramodea (sp?） for sea goddess, after all she was the sacrifice.

[/SPOILERS]

point being: I WANT TO WATCH IT AGAIN!
(if only just for the OST lolz)

i'm kinda-sad-not-really that i didn't get to go guangzhou, but it's okay lah. i'm quite happy slacking in my room. plus xiu shue has been teaching me chinese - he used to be a chinese teacher in his hometown (hubei) and i learn lots of stuff. 赤 (ci4) is scarlet but can also mean passion, while 朱 (zhu1) is vermillion. interesting to note that 黑 is NOT kuroi but 墨 is. the word for kisou, aka. zhang4 doesn't have the same meaning as the one in japanese. the japanese version is merely "violent burial" but the chinese version just means "burial (ritual)". the meaning is in the word, or so xiu shue explained. in the early days, when people died they were brought up the mountain to be as close as god as possible. if they were poor and had nothing (like many), then they were laid inbetween grass. so the form of the word is as thus: 草字头 with a 死 in the middle and a 井 in the bottom.

thus concludes our literary? lesson of the day.

technically speaking, it's not literary. chinese language is divided into 3 parts: 意象 (forming of shape)，会议 (meaning in shape) and of course, 成语 (proverb). the one xiu shue is teaching me is 意象, not 会议. the one that mom originally taught me is 会议. For example, 愁 is a combination of 秋 and 心 because during autumn (秋) when the leaves begin to fall, one's heart (心) becomes heavy at the thought of coming winter. therefore, the meaning of 愁 is to be "heavy-hearted". THAT is an example of 会议.

意象 on the other hand, concentrates on HOW the words came to being. for instance, 山 is written as it is because it resembles a large spike rising from the middle of ground. therefore, pictorially it resembles a mountain.

it's really interesting, but part of the problem is that my chinese isn't very good *sighs* i can only speak, somewhat read and barely write. wheras these people have been at it their entire lives.

the worst is, now that i'm somewhat educated (in the loosiest sense) they've started sms-ing me word riddles. everyday!!!! i solved one, but i'm currently stuck with this one which i CANNOT SOLVE for the life of me.

SIS! pls ask lao shi this one for me:

何水无鱼
何山无石
何树无技
何子无父
何女无夫
何城无市

btw sis, if you want the rest of the (solved) riddles, you can have them. see if your chinese is good enough lolz! hahaha if you can get it right, i'll buy you sushi dinner k!

guess this one!

艳日荷花取心红
双目连心友情浓
无奈你却心不在
清泉半勺意无穷
春宵苦短别二天
但愿人去定相逢
天鹅飞翔鸟无踪 each line has 1 word, all the words together form 1 line. btw, if i managed to solve it by myself - i think most people can solve it. after all, i'm a CL B student remember??????? the dumb non-chinese one! :D it's kinda easy once you solved the first line.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:45 a.m.+

cherries

Happy Children's Day people! :D:D:D This goes out to everyone who feels like a child at heart, even if they do not look like one! LOL anyway, here they celebrate it on June 1st, so it's Happy Children's Day!

Went to Gongbei and shopping with kor is boring (but that's not new is it?) Anyway brought back a truckload of dvds INCLUDING! PoTC World's End. YES IT'S OUT IN DVD (in china anyway lolz) Watching Marie Antoniette is fun! The colours are so pretty, not pastel but candylike - all pinks and dove blue and pistacho and cream. That's the beginning only though, before they storm the palace and things start getting messy. Sometimes I just want to freeze the frame, because it looks so gorgeously decadent and painterly.

so who cares about my day anyway? the point being that i'm happy now

the weather was so hot - an awesome high of 35!degrees and i was waiting for the car and suddenly i thought of the factory, and how hot it was: all the people running outside repairing and working and digging and driving under this blazing, mercilessly taunting sun with no refreshing breeze. so i bought one CARTON of bing hong cha and green tea (all cold）and gave it out to everyone i met when i walked one round around the factory. if i merely gave it to my own departments, they would not have appreciated it (sitting in aircon as it were) as much as those toiling outside. you only realize how terrible the weather is once you step outside.

and in return, i got a history lesson
apparently, xiu shue used to be a teacher
it started out with children's day. he's actually the oldest person in the chang ku - almost 35 and he's got an adorable 2.5 year old daughter. anyway, he didn't get her anything and i was properly horrified because the poor kid will grow up not having enough affection from her parents and so i scolded him that BOTH parents must show care, not just the mother and so he should do a better job. to make up for it, i gave away my hairclips (pink!with ribbons) and told him to give it to her. after all, i can empathize. *koff*dad*koff*

and somehow or other, as we were talking he told me he used to be a teacher, and then we started talking about history. stuff that we don't learn in school, like 1941 is the official date for the beginning of modern china (different from what we learn, the date beginning from the fall of manchu dyanasty) and like china civil wars etc. etc. the best part is that he's not stupid or over-simplistic, so when i try to explain (in bad chinese）that in SG, we're not rich and the differences in economy and SoL he understands. like, shue wen tends to be oversimplistic eg. be happy and happy! so i'm happy to have someone to talk to.

in exchange, i talk about cold war and tianamen incident (both unrecorded in china - the former is mentioned but unexplained, the latter is removed at all) it's fun because they bring a real chinese person's perspective to the issue; curiousity and a sense of.........shikata nai??？when i mentioned how the students rebelled against the govt., the attitude was "oh that's normal because in every change of power, there will be a civil war." apparently, harmonious succession is something unbelieved in china. it's interesting, to say the least.

oh yeah, and one of my customers (the guy i sell bian jiao liao to) was like "you're leaving??? so soon??? zomg i got you a gift!" and he really did！i'm really grateful but.....WTF do i do with a statue of a zhuhai sea goddes??? ZOMG SO TACKY (but somehow very endearingly china)

and then there's liu qing feng from CTS who is/was hitting on me and he's only a year older than me LOLZ! it's a pity because he's kinda cute, if he hit on me earlier i would've hit back i guess hahahahaha....i wouldn't know! but in general, i'm happy. it's easier to leave knowing that people DO care for you - care for you enough to buy you dinner, send you gifts and wish you well. i know perhaps, i didn't really improve the management system or increase the output - but knowing that i made someone happy for a while; be it with a smile or a gift or a thanks or a conversation on a boring day - is good enough for me.

isn't that what we should aim to do?
to feel happiness and share it with everyone?
in which, you can double the happiness?

so maybe it's not so bad that people say that i seem so much like a child. it's good sometimes, to be childlike - you bring wonder and joy and magic and you can't help but feel that yes, that's what life should be. full of curiousity and wonder. that said, happy children's day everyone!:D

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:52 p.m.+

gesalt

let's start the entry with an EGL update: ZOMG MANA'S GOT A NEW PRINT. the sad thing is, i really like it. the not-so-sad thing is that i liked their chandelier print for winter 2006 better. from a distance it looks like a pirate's ship!<3

anyway, back to normality. this weekend i'm going MAD SHOPPING. please people! if you want stuff, say so now because i problably won't get another chance again. i'll be going to BOTH gongbei and guangzhou-shi aka. Cheapest Places On Earth. gongbei is a bit less trendy than guangzhou-shit, but cheaper. guangzhou-shi has EVERYTHING includes fake prada, fake adidas, fake nike and of course, fake money. i'm basically going to shop till i drop - i took leave on friday AND saturday AND sunday, and i'm staying overnight at guangzhou too *is happy*

it's like woohoo! finally i get to see all the stuff in china i've been missing!!!

the best part is that the shopping district is mostly pedestrain only, and is open from 9am to 10pm, after that there are kickass night markets which open from 9pm ALL THE WAY TILL NEXT DAY 6am! how shiok is that????? zomg i'm so exicited! i'm planning to charge my phone to full and take pictures like mad!!!:D

i'm just really excited ^^;;; it's like, i've been working here for the past 3 months, mostly stuck in the factory grounds and never seeing much (except, stamping machines) and now i have the chance to go shopping (with a friend too!) i finally got a chance to see a bit more of china, not just the single perspective of zhuhai.

of course, not everything is happydandy. the store is generally okaying now - as in, they talk to me but there's no real closeness. at least, it isn't so awkward anymore. the real shitty thing of course is uncle sammy's corruption and total doublefacing/pervsion. OMG HIS MISTRESS IS LEIK SUPAAA!YOUNG! and that feng lian hits on him. and feng lian is my age. and mistah loh likes her verrrrrrry much. of course, hai shan acting totally jian (slutty, comes from the word jian nu/prostitute） is nothing unusual. like ZOMG EWWWWWWW *gags*

anyway i'll continue later. there's a lot of update, but maybe i should just list it. my thoughts are going haywire.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 07:08 p.m.+

changing lightbulb

lights out

and so, i cancelled it.

the voice leaves from the company of dark

maybe it was the cruelty of it
no one ever said
humour was ever very kind.

enough.

-----------------------------

i just want to be ghey, and talk about shopping for a while. if you haven't known - i've gone practically mad shopping in china. i have 3 pairs of shoes, 4 dresses, 1 cropped jacket, dozens of t-shirts, an overvest, 1 pair of jeans and a bubble blouse. and what's scary is that i'm planning to go shopping again! next week, because damnit - i'm totally in love with it.

currently, my favourite set is: white t-shirt with navy minidress (has cute buttons and white piping details!<3) thrown with turqoise sandal wedges (yes! i sometimes wear heels to work)

it's like cute without overkill. sometimes loli is a bit overkill for me. so layering dresses is really useful, especially since the weather is spring and changes cold to hot very quickly. like, with that same navy dress - sometimes i wear it sleeveless with jeans, or you could wear it with a white skirt peeking out underneath, or over a shirt. or if you're really bored, just throw a ribbon round it.

thus, my goal is to acquire more dresses :D i'm also planning to get a pair of boots for winter (or you could say, i'm bored) more pullovers, a woolen? dress (because i currently only have summer wear), more high heel sandals (because, they make your legs longer AND taller AND does wonders for your posture). i need hairclips and earrings too, and maybe while i'm at it - buy up more tshirts and pullovers since i really like it.

i'm thinking of getting one of those cute, puffed sleeved low-waist ones with bubble hem since i don't have one of those. i do have a bubble shirt/blouse though, it's ivoryish colour and surprisingly cute - if a bit fluffy looking.

ideal dress? i'll like something in an icy colour- aqua, cyan, lime, frostpink...etc and maybe polka dots or some cute print. flowers are okay. dots are fine too. do NOT want is babydoll dresses that cut under the boobs, bad itchy china-lace (usually too much and everywhere) and too long. the thing about layered dresses is that they have to be short. not very very short, but shorter than knee. usually i wear mine about.....3inches above max.

the thing about these kinds of dresses is that they really have to be shorter than knee or you look kinda like a shapeless dumpling. serious! or worse still, a very pregnant woman. cos the siluhoutte is like, exaggaratedly fluffy on the top with slender legs on heels. i admit, i cheat a little. i'm not really slender or long legged (blame genes), the trick is to a)shave your legs b)put a small amount of moisturiser everyday to give them that magazine shine c)ensure that your heels are at least 1 inch, so that your feet point down and look automatically longer.

i think, being bored in china makes you discover new stuff.

like, i found out that mixing sunscreen and moisturizer doesn't work because it makes your skin sticky. or that mixing a little bit of conditioner and moisturizer makes it easier to shave your legs (if you want to wear a skirt, you have to do it unless you're going to wear black overknees everyday). then also that moisturizer with water helps keep your hair shiny and non-messy for the entire day, as well as protecting it. and that tsubaki shampoo really lives up to it's reputation, because i rarely use conditioner. and that if you want to wear that kind of clothes, you must take good care of your ankles and you can actually abrase all the hardened skin away then plonk a whole lot of moisturizer so that the skin heals itself.

my most interesting discovery is that the solution used to clean your earrings/ears also dries up pimples. as in yes it totally cures reddening. interestingly enough, eye-mo has the same effect. if you put eye-mo on a pimple, the redness disappears after 5 mins.

oh and today, i cooked soup :D
and it tasted like home~
basically it was the cabbage/beef soup, except there was no beef so i used lamb instead.

forget.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:47 a.m.+

last terminal

hello sputnik
last call from the last terminal
earth station to houston
monkey, monkey
CaN YoU hEaR mE?

it's been a bad week.
just sayin' that's all.

it's like, the entire week i've been wanted to cry to someone but i can't - i can't because the tears just stop right under my eyelids, can't because everyone thinks i'm whiny anyway and i hate feeling self-pitiful and i don't want to add to that impression since well, i don't really whine. not much anymore anyway.

i don't even know how to string it together anymore.
coherence, where are you?
what are words?
what cam they do?

it hurts to see them like that
it fucking hurts
and it doesn't go away

all i wanted was, as a friend to another - to have one last dinner together and maybe wish each other well for the future. truly, i'm happy that you're getting married. truly, i really think of you as a friend. now that we've kinda settled it, isn't it alright to just let it go?

i regret liking him.
i wonder, if i can ever not regret liking anyone.

i preferred it when we were friends and we just had fun and talked nonsense and took stupid photos while shue wen would sigh like an old man and xiu shue would smile and go "eh" and then pan li and tian tian would come over and we'll not do anything until it was time to go

and that was perfect enough already.

and now i really regret liking you.
more than anything else, i really regret it.

and now i'm going away forever - is this going to be my last memory of this place? the bitterness. the regret. the aching sadness of things unsaid, leftovers undone.

i had no one, then.
that week was not shuuji to akira, or even tsu
just me
and the universe

the stars are god's blessings
frozen
when the maker found out what made
came of

i tried to call, but then after a while, i just hated calling because the anticipation, the faithful rings just seemed to go on endlessly never to be picked up and then i just hated calling then. calling seemed so pointless somehow because you could never be sure someone would answer.

hello god, can you hear me?
this is the prayer from my heart

i just don't know anymore.

on one hand, i would really like to have dinner with them at least once - so that when i leave, there's some closure to it. on the other hand, i hate forcing people to go with me because i'll feel uncomfortable as hell and they'll feel uncomfortable as hell and dinner will feel like a crushing straitjacket and.....why would i want to remember that?

i feel so empty.
someone please save me
anyone.
or maybe
don't bother anymore.
i don't want to be saved
just
sleep.

isn't that the right?

to add to this, the entire week dad was back. i think of dad like a seagull, flying in and out with pieces of shit and decaying fish everywhere. anyway. dad. my hobby now is to sit in the car and take movies of streetlights passing because whenever i watch them over, they always seem like i'm flying. i'm flying. it's strange but maybe flying is really inside my handphone......i wouldn't know.

the only brightside of all this so far, is that someone gave me a precious gift - a handmade, hand knitted scarf to keep me warm when i go australia to study. it's soft and white and sparkly, and just looking at it, thinking of all the handwork that went into it makes me warm inside. that okay, 3/4 of the people here don't really give a fuck and more than happy to see me go - that at least, one person genuninely cares.

and that makes it all better right?

so i was desperate. so i called everyone i knew. audy, alicia, beatrice, clare, graham, josephine, sis, sak....whatever. i just called. just to remind myself that i was still alive

read me, read me

i think i'll go to a corner to hide for a while.
bye.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:10 p.m.+

last terminal

hello sputnik
last call from the last terminal
earth station to houston
monkey, monkey
CaN YoU hEaR mE?

it's been a bad week.
just sayin' that's all.

it's like, the entire week i've been wanted to cry to someone but i can't - i can't because the tears just stop right under my eyelids, can't because everyone thinks i'm whiny anyway and i hate feeling self-pitiful and i don't want to add to that impression since well, i don't really whine. not much anymore anyway.

i don't even know how to string it together anymore.
coherence, where are you?
what are words?
what cam they do?

it hurts to see them like that
it fucking hurts
and it doesn't go away

all i wanted was, as a friend to another - to have one last dinner together and maybe wish each other well for the future. truly, i'm happy that you're getting married. truly, i really think of you as a friend. now that we've kinda settled it, isn't it alright to just let it go?

i regret liking him.
i wonder, if i can ever not regret liking anyone.

i preferred it when we were friends and we just had fun and talked nonsense and took stupid photos while shue wen would sigh like an old man and xiu shue would smile and go "eh" and then pan li and tian tian would come over and we'll not do anything until it was time to go

and that was perfect enough already.

and now i really regret liking you.
more than anything else, i really regret it.

and now i'm going away forever - is this going to be my last memory of this place? the bitterness. the regret. the aching sadness of things unsaid, leftovers undone.

i had no one, then.
that week was not shuuji to akira, or even tsu
just me
and the universe

the stars are god's blessings
frozen
when the maker found out what made
came of

i tried to call, but then after a while, i just hated calling because the anticipation, the faithful rings just seemed to go on endlessly never to be picked up and then i just hated calling then. calling seemed so pointless somehow because you could never be sure someone would answer.

hello god, can you hear me?
this is the prayer from my heart

i just don't know anymore.

on one hand, i would really like to have dinner with them at least once - so that when i leave, there's some closure to it. on the other hand, i hate forcing people to go with me because i'll feel uncomfortable as hell and they'll feel uncomfortable as hell and dinner will feel like a crushing straitjacket and.....why would i want to remember that?

i feel so empty.
someone please save me
anyone.
or maybe
don't bother anymore.
i don't want to be saved
just
sleep.

isn't that the right?

to add to this, the entire week dad was back. i think of dad like a seagull, flying in and out with pieces of shit and decaying fish everywhere. anyway. dad. my hobby now is to sit in the car and take movies of streetlights passing because whenever i watch them over, they always seem like i'm flying. i'm flying. it's strange but maybe flying is really inside my handphone......i wouldn't know.

the only brightside of all this so far, is that someone gave me a precious gift - a handmade, hand knitted scarf to keep me warm when i go australia to study. it's soft and white and sparkly, and just looking at it, thinking of all the handwork that went into it makes me warm inside. that okay, 3/4 of the people here don't really give a fuck and more than happy to see me go - that at least, one person genuninely cares.

and that makes it all better right?

so i was desperate. so i called everyone i knew. audy, alicia, beatrice, clare, graham, josephine, sis, sak....whatever. i just called. just to remind myself that i was still alive

read me, read me

i think i'll go to a corner to hide for a while.
bye.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:10 p.m.+

vertical plateau

and all the right things
and all the sweetest smiles
couldn't make me
love you

and then, you know that's he's the perfect one
but you don't love him at all.

i've been wondering a bit - why i don't feel bad about qian yong at all. maybe it's because i kinda expected it, maybe it's because i knew it was impossible, maybe it's a million different factors and all the alternates that made it so...so...implausible that it becomes so insignificant that it stops hurting at all.

or maybe, it's just the way he did it
i have to say, that was the most.....
ridiculous admission ever.

but.
something good came out of this

I am not afraid.
I face it - boldly
my feelings, my expressions - every single fraction of self
I am myself.

face it forward, look it in the eye and call my name

---------------

sometimes i really wonder if i was actually a guy born into a girl's body. i think like a guy, i behave like a guy and i have zomg!zillions of female admirers (and stalkers. and godknowswhats). girls adore me generally, especially in china. i call all of them "qing ai de" and flirt and tease them as though i was a guy. seriously, i think i would make a good boyfriend (and in respect, a terrible girlfriend) like, i was never short of candy on valentines' day and i was in an all girls' school!

if i'm not mistaken, some years i had so much i brought back to give to my sis.

so it's just really weird.
even in china, the girls here really like me

but audy is my one and only :D
btw, audy! someone's jealous of you!

'cos like pan li and i were talking about favourite people then i mentioned that audy is my most favourite person and she was like "waaaahhh to be loved by you the person must be very xing fu *insert jealous expression*". just to note, pan li is a girl. a very cute girl, but a girl nonetheless and definitely of the wrong gender.

anyway tomorrow will be the KTV/drinking session.....i expect it to be extremely entertaining and i hope that everyone gets drunk so all the dirty secrets will come spilling out and hai san will start flirting with all the guys and sun quan, wang guo qiang and zhang wei xiong will start gambling and then all hell will break loose especially if we add an unpredictable celine and the office girls (most drinkers) to the mix........oh man....how i wish for a video cam.

plus! i get to wear my first pair of high heel shoes!<3
summer-style, teal blue with ribbons
they're adorable!!!!

btw, tomorrow marks the ONE MORE WEEK TILL HOME!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:07 p.m.+

dragonfly alms

May 23rd
I gave the letter.

May 24th
And then it was.

It's been a really rollercoaster week.
Evident, I guess, by the pimples (zomg no!)

So it was like this - the past few days Qian Yong has been an absolute gutless ass (chinese phrase: 马马虎虎） which makes me wonder where the 勇 in his name came from. Then yesterday - yesterday the weather was sunny and rainy and air floating with brown dragonflies and there I was counting them in names that I knew: kagerou, dragonfly, 蜻蜓 and then shue wen was there and he was like: "just do it, just do it and I felt my resolve for this crumble and maybe that it's okay to give earlier, it's okay because then you don't have to think anymore and there's no awkwardness because you don't know where the line is or where your heart is at and everything seems so breakable and fragile like those ugly brown dragonflies which live only for a day. birth, sex, death. such is the life of a dragonfly.

So I did - not bravely as I wanted, but in that ohmygod! manner full of awkward posings and stutterings and fear and all i wanted to was run away and run as far as possible and dig a hole in the ground to hide myself in and never see him ever again. and maybe it's a good thing that i found a game to hide myself in - so that he'll never have to know how close it was.

and then i sat there with pan li and talked and talked with all the words spilling over lips; the anger and the pentup frustration and the disgust and ugliness and the small, shining promise of freedom and the meanings and variations of the word: "sacrifice". and after that it was alright again, because the cold dawning wish of freedom is more important than any person and i knew then - it was better if nothing came out of this because then i would have to choose between freedom and romance - and then you'll already know the answer by now.

so it was like that.

then the next day was horribly embarassing and i was mentally whacking shue wen and when it came to selling the bian jiao liao he was all fa-daing and i was like wtf man just pretend nothing ever happened! and then after a series of wtf-situations (i hearby call that period "when shue wen was playing matchmaker") and got shue wen to explain to me how he (re: qian yong<) felt.

then.
i did my biggest WTF.
I mean, what kind of guy has so little guts!?!?!?

Anyway he said that he liked me (as a friend), but liked his girlfriend more and he was like, "please don't get hurt". and i was like, okay....... i don't know. i don't know what to think, except that i wish him and his girlfriend happiness since they're getting married soon anyway. I mean the moment he used shue wen to tell me I totally went into WTF-mode. It just seemed to drag too long and too much, and honestly once you drag it too long it's just boring.

like, honestly!

but at least now he knows, so it's okay and i don't need to think about it anymore. it's funny....but i really am not hurt by it. maybe it's 'cause i know i'm going to leave anyway, or maybe because i know he already has a girlfriend - but i think it's still for the best.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:30 p.m.+

parchelbel

God's in heaven and Pocky is my earth

I have 7 boxes of Pocky and counting lol.

It's just stopped raining - the sky is silver and thick again - a bubble bath of blue and lavenders, of singing wind and colourless void and the melancholic feeling; rainwatching and whispery singing and the moon that looms closer than usual - the summer moon.

darling kiss me

Yesterday was like.........I don't know. I went HK again to do special delivery service and spent time with kor and Mr Lim and today I was supposed to go GuangZhou with Celine but didn't go - why didn't I go? maybe it's like............what are you to feel if you voluntarily let yourself be used because it fits your purposes as well? then would that be still considered as taking advantage? i didn't know what to think. i like celine still. but yet. i hope she isn't angry with me though, for backing out on such late notice but yet. i knew she was using me. and yet. i did want to go guangzhou. and yet.

such a confusing thing.

in truth, i hate pretentions. i just wish for truth and simplicity - don't lie; if you don't like me, just say so. maybe it'll hurt but i'll rather you give me the truth than lie. so now i'm wondering.........though they say they will remember me forever, i can't help but think that it is such a lie.

i miss audy
i miss perspective
let it go

so i didn't go guangzhou - sorry sis, no monokuroboo converse shoes. sorry audy, no strange clothes. next week i'll go gongbei, and maybe then.....

i just feel too muddled now, to do anything

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:53 p.m.+

cute

cute.
how i hate that word.

cute is the word that people use to describe small animals and smaller (usually crying) children - annoyingly happy and bouncy items that cannot sit still and come in spastastically awful neon colours of bright pink and violent yellow. cute also happens to be stupid - wide, limpid eyes looking pleadingly pathetic and adorable, helplessly useless and small enough to pet. (insert bad kimi wo petto jokes)

it sucks, i swear - when people think you're cute

therefore, i honestly don't understand why people think i'm cute. i do NOT have a cute personality - my sister, audy, sak....heck anyone can testify to that. i have a prickly temper, picky and fussy as hell and more moodswingy and tempremental than the SG weather. i don't even LOOK cute. i dress like a slob with a capital SLOB mainly because i ditch underwear for a (with holes) shirt and (with holes) shorts so that me and my bedsheets can have the most contact ever.

so today when qian yong nodded in agreement when asked whether i was cute - i was torn between WTFing and feeling happy. the WTF feeling won, because i really don't like to be called cute.

so the point of this post?
even if i like you - if you call me cute, i'll hit you hard.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:57 p.m.+

redited

this is a copy of the letter i'm writing to qian yong, suggestions are welcome! it's written in chinese though~

-----------

情爱的乾勇：
很快我将远离这个国家，远离你。心酸的感觉越来越强。。。有些话不对你说，我会遗憾终生。在我们相处的这段日子里，虽然短斩，但使我一生难忘，一切得开心和快乐只有你相伴。

虽然我在中国里交了很多朋友，但能使我最观念的人只有是你一个．每当我看到你是，一切的烦恼和不愉快都会远离我而去．当看到你沉闷的时候，我会第一个想知道为ｓｅｍｏ？我也很想知道你对我的印象如何？希望没令你失望，能留下深刻的印象。虽然我心里很喜欢你，但我知道我们之间有太多的距离和障碍。所以不管我多想，我不得不放弃对你的追求和隐藏我内心的那份情感，希望我的存在没打乱你的平静生活。忠心希望你幸福快乐，让我们把这段美丽的日子留做美好的回忆。我会把这份感情深深埋藏在心里，会永远记住在遥远的中国有一段最美好的时光和一位最好的朋友。。。那就是你。

永远祝福你
卓姿

+tsu waited for you at 10:59 p.m.+

hey now

...............i'm just really tired.

is this how it's supposed to be?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:30 p.m.+

and thank you means merci

I have a chocolate advertisement in my head
except the song is a sad one, and it starts with a
I'm so glad to have met you, and to thank you
and it just stops there.
No chocolates. No merci.
Where is it for you and me?

So it starts like this: guy meets girl and girl likes guy and then one day - he just knows and he sings old love songs in foreign tongues under the moonlight - no, lamplight that makes him glow like an angel and you can't help but think: this is the first time someone has sang a love song for me. Happy and sad. You think how happy you are, because your feelings are returned. He cares, you know that. Only you can make him laugh and smile and chase the autumn frowns away. And then you think: why do I have to leave?

and then the heartbreak begins.

I think of solo saxophones now - sad, melancholic blues that burrow down into bones and sound like someone staring out the window, whispering to the rain. Face pressed against glass, lips moving in warm puffs as the slow, sad adieu disappears down the rain, down the drops, down the gutter and into the labyrinth of sewers. He knows you like him now, he knows and then he starts singing for you and smiling for you and it's for you and you can't help but feel your resolve crumble bit by bit and you think:how can i have ever thought this was easy?

cringingly, you're falling
falling in love

the what ifs seem less like a daydream and more like bitterness because you know that it is more possible than before. the tangibility knifes the heart, the logic - all reality. What If. If Only. The ifs

a torrent
of alternative Ifs
eroding eroded erosion
walls of logic

And it's not just him anymore - today when I told someone I was going to leave the girl actually cried. I was aghast. She knew me - maybe a bit, just conversation and teasing and yet she said something that hit me so hard; you're the first real friend I've ever made and then i can't help but think that i might have seriously underestimated the people here. i mean i know they care, but zomg! she was crying! and the thing is - they are utterly and totally sincere.

and people in SG don't even like me.

can you understand why i feel like i can't bear to leave them yet i cannot stay any longer?

maybe tomorrow we'll find a way......
home

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:52 p.m.+

names

tree trunk to branch
inevitability
the train rolls on
endlessly
streaming smoke - percussion
drums of a funeral march
call on dark horses
they wait

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. To try and see good in everyone is basically a way of setting yourself up for disappointment but yet - I feel that if I were to give that up, I'll just end up losing another part of myself. Like music that ends.

It was sickening. disgusting. I felt dirty y'know? The sanctum of my thoughts invaded and violated, principles shattering into fragments and blood oozing on the floor like a crazy passion murder scene. It Wasn't Me! the voice in the dark echoes endlessly down long corridoors - a whirl of hair, a flash of skin and shrieking laughter. Macbeth all over again.

Someone told me, just very recently - that I should forgive and forget. The assumption is that forgiveness leads to happiness - for both parties anyway. And right now, I'm questioning it. Do I really have to forgive him? Can I forgive him? I try - I've been trying for the last 19 years to forgive him , to try to see him as a human being, to discover at least a semblenance of conscience. Show me you're human That's all I ask. And every single time, I just get more and more disgusted. Today was one of them. Everytime I feel that I can forgive him, he just does something all over again and it's back to the anger and bitterness and salty taste of blood when you bite your tongue too hard from keeping quiet.

How do you forgive?
Is it even possible?
How great - how do you forgive?

Maybe they're right - forgiveness is the highest gift a human can bestow. To say those words: "I forgive you." with sincerity is so hard. To look at him in the eye and tell yourself to let it go........can we really accept the past? Perhaps not erase it, but forgive it - to minimize the hurt, to let it go...that it's all right, because I forgive you? How does it work? How do you forgive and forget?

I can't seem to.
I just can't.

When I think of it, every cell and fibre of my being remembers it - each verbal and physical blow. the years of rejection and hurt and resentment building over the open wound like a thick, calloused scar. Keloid. stratching and peeling it over and over again - picking a scab, a broken vessel and dark bruise. over and over and over again. touch it feel it hurt it and it starts over again. I try so hard to forgive - but I can't. Maybe not now, perhaps.......never.

You don't understand....forgiveness works if you can forget it. Once it stops hurting. Once the betrayal is healed. But betrayal is something that happens only to the closest of people - best friends, family - in other words, only with blood. It tears apart.

and then.
would forgiving him really make me happy?
do i really need to?

In all honesty, I don't think I need to. I have never ever forgiven him - the closest is perhaps pity, but that's it. I am contented with my life though - I love my family and friends deeply, I look forward to my possible future. So. Where does the forgiveness come in? What if - what if I'm merely indifferent? Does that count as forgiveness?

Maybe I'm not a good enough person to forgive.
I just can't. Not yet anyhow.

So I just sat in the car - the passing twilight like a moving postcard; snapshots of mountains and motortaxis and the soundless touchless feeling of wind that must be blowing outside, even if I can't feel it in me. Let it wash over you - the salt and the words and the reopening. Think of it as antiseptic. The more you hear, the less it will hurt later. Besides, you have to accept the unchangeable - there is no love, no hate, no nothing - just..........void.

Void and hurt.
accept it.

you are nothing to him

and then let it go.

Maybe even if it is unchangeable
Maybe even if it is inevitable
Maybe even if it is doomed
you can change yourself
the first step to forgiveness?
or
just merely indifference?

I'm so tired of fighting.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:13 p.m.+

And it was wide wide open

sing a sad song
or an olden lullaby
full of ancient words
and hidden feelings
meanings held
tonight

Saturday was a nothing day that should not have happened, but in any case - I won't think about it anymore because I'm going home soon. It doesn't matter if he knows what I feel, or if other people can guess because - at the end of day, I'm preparing myself to leave. That's right. Reality has to move forward on and evermore. It was fun though, playing with fire extinguishers and talking rubbish and looking at the sky. You know, if audy was here I'm sure she'll love the chang ku as much as I do - the wide, open sky under the thin zinc sheet roof, the high ramp where you can sit and daydream and listen to music and the wind gully that never stops blowing (natural aircon!). Just perfect. Silence. Like that.

Sunday went to HK, and ZOMG PIRATES IS OPENING THERE ON THE 24TH MAY AND I AM GOING TO WATCH IT THERE HAH! Had weird fusion dimsum and went shopping in MongKok. I found some loli-stores, but seriously......except for Anna House in Guan Tong - most of the stuff was badly made crap. On the other hand, I had great fun going through Wing Lok Centre which sold all sorts of trendy layer clothing. Bought a dress and a vest?dress?layer? thing which I thought was quite cool and came with a skirt. Then went to Guan Tong with Kor because he wanted to go to the Factory Outlet store and ZOMG VIVIENNE WESTWOOD/ADIDAS/EVERYTHING for $30! I got Aya a Comme de Garcons shirt just for kicks, because it's like hey!brand! why not right?

And my biggest splurge of the day: Cashmere. I went to Western Market - basically Arab Street-meets-Chinatown (with aircon) and I swear to Johnny it's like FABRIC PARADIASE. They have everything from wool to cashmere to cotton to knit to gazillions of prints and tartan (and even cotton velveteen!). And they're all next to each other. Brilliant. Anyhow, I bought 3m of pure cashmere for $70/m. It's a really good deal, since it has no added nylon or cotton. (even moitie doesn't use pure cashmere, they use a wool mix). I'm planning to tailor a winter coat, since I'll be going to school in July - winter season in Australia.

Talking about Aust, I've decided to stay at Swanton's, which is where Natz is staying. Also, I need a laptop for school and I'm thinking of getting a MacBook （and maybe an ipod to go with it!) So my top 3 things to get is: a winter coat, a laoptop and maybe an ipod. Yesterday at MongKok computer centre the MacBook was around 1,700sgd while an iPod was 200+sgd. All parallel imports<3. (I bought a 2GB thumbdrive for $30!sgd) Tailoring a coat would be about $400, including material cost. Therefore, I should get Kuro to send me back the leftover from buying the skirt. I don't want to overspend.

Oh yeah audy! I got you coconut and taihiti vanilla pocky from HK! I've never seen the flavours here, but they're really good. Btw, I saw GIANT PACK of strawberry crunch pocky here......with pictures! Show you when I get back

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:17 p.m.+

Make me happy

Yesterday was such a pain that I went shopping afterwards with Celine. Shopping, as you know, is the cure for all mundane - paperwacking, spinepushing, spittlesplotching buttock powergames - evil. To quote Conrad, the papermache devils (in the face of a capitalist businessman aka Uncle Sam). Bought a flaming red polkadot skirt and one of those trendy (re:WTF) bubble-top-clothes. It's kinda cute, even though I don't nessescarily agree with the style. In any case, I prefer to shop in GongBei because the bargaining is better, and so is the shopping. Plus! I get to buy crepes~ beat that JingAn!

After shopping went to wash hair aka. shi tou fa which is basically other people washing/massaging scalp for you. The whole point of working in China is to pamper yourself like mad and spend as much money as possible because no where else in the world (except maybe India) will you get such a good deal for everything. Seriously. $8 for foot massage. $4 for wash hair + cut. It's definitely worth just coming here for shopping and slacking and yesterday..........yesterday was just bad.

Truth to tell, it's still bothering me. But then again, I'm almost at the end of my working term already - I'm leaving on June 6th (or anytime after). I only have a couple more weeks to work, then afterwards I'm never ever going to come back. Never. I know it's a bit too early to say, but I really don't want to. I never belonged here - even though I'm of the family. I've more or less decided on Australia already, and I know that the course I'll pick is not something that I can ever use in the family business. In a way, I forgo that saftey net for my own freedom.

It's worth it, I think.
To be given the chance to decide your own future
Better to take the risk than be stagnant and secure

So it's worth it, isn't it?
Because now that I don't have anything
I have the chance to do everything I ever wanted.

So it's just like that.

------------------

I've been thinking lately too, of what I should do after I complete uni. In terms of working experience, I problably have more than anyone else my age (at least in SG). In terms of actual job hunting......I can't decide whether to go into advertising or journalism.

It's just now, waiting
to come home

can I just say I'll miss qian yong?
or maybe, I will miss the what ifs that could have been?
then again, regret - like tears, fills nothing.
does nothing.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:43 p.m.+

spook

Pissed off and plotting.
'K. dinner.
how do i botch the subject?
start innocent?

"hey dad do you know that sometimes when the goods come in the people throw it over the fence and make us sign for it?"

"yeah, and then i stopped them and told celine about it who opened 2 da guos - one to the purchaser who didn't inform others on it and another to the supervisor who didn't plan it properly so ended up at 8pm we had to recieve."

"then when we kai dan for it, uncle sam rejected it and said it was our changku's fault for accepting. but the purchaser and the person who qing got away with it - why?"

hmmm does it sound good enough?
wait. think on it somemore.
he'll be back next week. enough time to think right?
right. i just need to get across the idea that
1. it wasn't managed properly
2. the people got away scotfree
3. this is the kind of culture we are perpetuating

think.
rework it, then re-sort it again so that dad will get it.

this kind of thing cannot go on.

+tsu waited for you at 12:59 p.m.+

at the other end

hello there, it's me again *waves*
i feel half-drunk, as though the rain has denuded my mind
puddles of thoughts
silence
scattering feet, shaking drops
wetpaper skies - soft, unmolded, swollen

the weather is dreamy again. All wet and sunshine and crispy grass and pale drifty blue skies that don't quite seem blue, but not quite grey either. You think of spring to summer, the swollen rain bursting on heated, crisp grass and the sun still shining, humid and sticky and sweaty with the smell of water sizzling on hot concrete. daydreams rise like steam, or perhaps the yeast that overflows on bread - developing and moldy and warm.

i'm so stoned.

Saturday I wanted to call, but got dragged out drinking and ate too much, so I puked it out (which was problably a good thing, since it was of questionable questionable hygiene). Even now, I'm not sure if it was indigestion or overeating that made me puke. Anyhow, no side effects. Plus, the added advantage of getting rid of all the alcohol in my system. Anyway I got home in one piece, I don't think anyone believed I wasn't drunk - but I knew I wasn't (my test for drunkeness is to be able to count multiplication tables and think lucidly). Most likely I won't want to do this again.

It's not like I don't like the people or anything, but sometimes there's just too much socializing y'know? All the half-teasing, the fake-protests, the sly hinting....usually I take fun in it, but sometimes it's just boring when it gets too much. I mean, how many times can you consider the same thing fascinating if you see it everyday? It's like a joke that's been told too many times, and gone stale and flat like cola left out open in the sun. Or maybe it's just my inner personality shining through LOL......it's really strange how people see me as "kai lang"(carefree), "ke ai"(cute) and "kai xin" (happy) here. I bet you that no one in SG would believe it. I guess part of the reason is that I know I'm not planning to stay for long so I want to learn as much as possible and live it to the fullest. Thus, lack of angst and a more extroverted thinking compared to my normal self which is slacker, wangsty, introverted and sarcastic. The largest difference here is that I am rarely, if ever - sarcastic. Mainly because they don't understand sarcasm. It just goes over their head LOL and they actually believe it o.O

Sunday woke up with bad dreams, then padded to the office in slippers and shorts and my old, 4/7 tshirt to find that the entire server network is down. That's right. The SERVER BROKE DOWN. *dies* Then went for lunch and Mr Lim was: "you went to the office wearing THAT?!?!?! *pause* hmmm....maybe I should've worn underwear XD (no one could tell lar, I threw on my working jacket over my tshirt) Then started watching Full House with Kor. That's right - Kor was watching Full House with me xD. The strange thing is that Rain looks a lot like Ichimaru Gin when he smiles because his eyes disappear LOL. He's got a really "mou" and slappable face like...."a mosquitoe bite meeeeeeeeee!*whinepuppyeyesulk*" Surprisingly fun to watch, although the ending was a bit anticlimatic. Anyway, I think the biggest difference between korean and japanese drama is that korean dramas are generally funnier compared to japanese ones. funny as in situationally funny, not catchphrase or gesture funny. I mean, Akira's "kon!" is funny, but watching Rain stuff sushi in his mouth with the prawn tail sticking out is funnier.

The sun is superhot again, so I'm slapping on sunblock just in case. It's SPF38, but I can still feel the heat on my skin and I do not want to be caught in the midday sun. So. Sunblock it is! It smells nice too - like one of those canned sugared Polka greentea. Combined with tsubaki shampoo, sometimes I feel a bit like a japanese tea ceremony - tsubaki scent with sugary sweet azuki and greentea and talc powder. but now that i've converted to tsubaki shampoo, I problably won't use another brand ever again (unless nessescary). It works. It really really really works. I don't need to comb it or use conditioner or fiddle with it at all and it's still soft and shiny and tangle-free. The best part is that it controls the frizz, so it falls nicely without combing. So even when the wind messes it up or like I can't be bothered to comb - it still looks neat and shiny. Like ZOMG my hair reflects light like an advertisement!!!! I feel like a true hairflippin' JE boy now!!!
--------------------

The truth is that I've been feeling a bit down these past few days.....partily because of qian yong, partily because of well, the fact that i'll have to leave in June. i don't want to leave, at the same time - i want to leave. can you feel the dilemma inside? i mean, i almost love it here. almost. it's not just surviving anymore, i really do enjoy myself here - i like eating gui lin gou and jiang zhong nai and all the fabluous desserts which are (supposedly) good for your health. i like bargaining while shopping, the casual way of dining (and throwing your bones on the floor!).....and most of all, i like the people here. i do. they don't find me weird or strange or whatever (that i usually get in SG), in general they're a quite a playful bunch and we can spend hours just chatting and teasing each other.

yesterday was the worst - first i had my period, then i saw DriverAss (aka. the One who Carries Balls) loitering around the chang ku so i told him off. unfortunately he was chatting with qian yong and a supplier, so it was kinda like.......aw fuck! kind of feeling cos qian yong has never seen me pick on anyone before (now he has). then i wasn't feeling well either, and the restaurent sent us the wrong gui lin gou - i wanted the honey version, but they sent us coconut milk (which gave me an indigestion the next day).

i just don't know anymore.
or rather, i do but i still feel terrible.
i know i have to leave, but i don't want to think about it.

don't think of tomorrow
how strange, the same line i used when i left sg.

i have friends here now. some closer than others, some dearer than some more, some that could be special - if only.............and maybe then you think - you think of all the how it could've beens, and all the wishes and maybe tomorrows and the next days that add up over and over again until it becomes today and you think - maybe you don't want to leave anymore and you can't help but wish you could start all over again - clean and empty and new, unmarked like the days of a calender. 2007. you think. start over. but it's not a game, there's no pause or restart or action replay where you can earn 999 exp points per round and magically restart again. all you can taste now (back of your mouth, back of throat and the dark back of your mind) is bittersweet.

home.
such a word that holds so many meanings.
home is here, but also there but also inside
the place where leaving from hurts most

yesterday it was just like that - painful and sweet and warm like melted toffee stuck to your teeth. i was so upset with everything i plugged my discman and just walked around aimlessly until i saw the light of the chang ku. how can i explain it? seeing the light is like a reminder of warmth and oranges and glowy things and places where you sit round the table and slack and chit chat while the sky and wind is a fingerbreath away and you sit on the top of the ramp (so high, your feet off the ground - hovering and maybe you're flying so what?) and you sing at the top of your voice - english words no one understands but who cares? they know you and you know them and you're watching the traffic melt into stars that melt into the distant glow of other factory lights - chugging away in the world of productivity laughingly distant from your own special universe. you're watching the stars with them - isn't that what counts? so the alarm rings and it's off work and they leave and you leave and somehow at the gate they split up and then all you can do is watch as the motorbike speeds off in the distance - all smoke and exhaust and love? and all you can do is watch, turn back and go back into where you belong. always.

*sighs*

but it's impossible isn't it?
shikata nai

the entire week....i've been toying with whether or not to give the letter. it's true i do like him, but is it alright to tell? on one hand, i don't want to live with regrets. i want know if there was - if ever - a chance. if there was, if it could have been. i want to know what he says. on the other hand, what are the consequences? this is a man who is about to get happily married. who, at the end of day - is a forklift driver and lives in a world different from my own. he can never live there happily, nor can i - in his. i don't wish to create false hopes in something that can never happen. the second part is that the news might spread and his ego would inflate (after all, the boss's daughter wrote him a declaration), OR he might get fired. so. to give or not to give?

i sit there, thinking
the letter and i
battling.

i need time to think.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:46 p.m.+

daemon?

I don't know if it loads, but I hate the name LOL. Peveus?! But I like Ocelots, and it's pretty (despite the fugly name - heck it matches with my own fugly name boo >_>)

Anyway need to call, will talk later.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 07:39 p.m.+

a little song

I keep forgetting to say that my *new* Tsubaki shampoo smells deliciously like jellybeans and clean soap smell. Sometimes I have to forcibly resist washing my hair or sniffing it because it smells soooooooooooo good. And YES JOHNNY IT'S TRUE! It really does keep your hair soft and shiny. I stopped using conditioner because I don't need it anymore, it's practically tangle-free without a comb. Amazing right？ No wonder the JE boys keep using it. It really does wonders for your hair!

*pimps*
You can buy it at Isetan supermarket pharmacy
and smell like Yamapi, Jin, Koyama and Kame!!!! Talking about JE, I saw the alcappella performance of Hoshi no Mezashite yesterday and TEGO YOU SLUT I SAW YOU WANTED TO BODYROLL. And I hate to say it, but they're lousy capellas. Really. They should stick to pop. As in of the chewiest, lipsmackingly bubblygummy pop. Because, they so can't sing.

I'm going to say something weird and atrangely heartless but I don't feel anything towards Qian Yong anymore.

I mean I still like him, but I guess going back to Singapore made me aware of how much difference there is, and how unsurmountable it will be. Part of it is also that he's getting married. so I don't really want to put a damper on someone else's wedding plans. It's not really my cup of tea, to do things like this.

a little song of chasing stars
a distant song of unfufilled wishes
that everyone hopes - with togetherness
one dream

For some reason, everytime I listen to hoshi no mezashite it sounds like that to me. *laughs* I wonder if it's possible to translate without knowing what the words mean at all???? Can someone verify if I'm totally off the mark or not??? But that's how it sounds like to me. Like a bunch of images that needs readjustment to make sense, translatable in any language due to the simplicity.

I feel like calling audy　＜ｂｒ＞ ＜ｂｒ＞ ｌｏｖｅ＜ｂｒ＞ ｔｓｕ

+tsu waited for you at 01:51 p.m.+

crossing wires

Observe: why is it that the China landscape is clearer through tinted glasses than through clear ones?

Sometimes, I think that's how you live properly in China. Tinted glasses. Unreality. Illegal cloud gatherings. I thought about Waterland - all the mud and the silt and the plehgm and maybe a delta is just like that too; but growing less like a salted marsh than a sanded fan. Land octopi and growing tentacles of mud. Somehow, it makes sense on a plane to think like this, to smell the briny scent of dirty seawater and drink in the landscape of an overexposing sky.

It's strange still - why does it look clearer through tinted glass?

All the cars, taxis and vans have tinted passengerseats. It makes sense, considering the number of shootings and kidnappings they have here. Despite making sense, I still think it's odd. Is it because the softness of dreamlike edges need illusions to be understood? Or maybe the tinted windows lend the flat nothingness colour? I don't get it. Somehow.

It seems rather sad though.

I was sitting on the plane and reading Graham Swift and listening to Higeki. Now it seems that higeki and swift had something in common and its totally insperable in my mind now. Higeki. Swift. I think of lock-keepers and signal-keepers and lighthouse-keepers and all the keepers of the world and under and the sluice and slit and mud and dregding. Just the sound of the word: Sluice and you can feel the thready seaweed strands wind round your neck like a deathly caress with grasping fingers of kappas and their eyes glowing eerily clear in the dark, sucking water. The lanterns of will'o'wisps and the murky marshlands and the smell of salt and shit and trash and decaying ground. There's a story in this, I know - but I don't know if I can write it, or if I should be the one to. Wait and see, isn't it? Wait for the water to ebb. Floodgates. Sluice. Traps.

Anyway I really like Graham Swift. It's really strange, since he is basically a Victorian writer telling modern stories. If you were to replace everyone in his novels with languid ladies and decaying morals and dark houses - it wouldn't look out of place. So far, the only other person who appreciates my taste for Swift is Alex Neo, because she likes Victorian writers. So it's quite strange, since I am in favour of minimalism usually. Murakami for instance, is a pop minimalist with a surreal perspective. Beckett is a fatal minimalist. Most of the things I read are usually modern, so I don't quite understand my love for Swift.

But I like him.

I remember picking up his book: Light of Day because the cover had knees on it. And there was something in the way the picture made the knees look innocently sensual and strangely......truthful????. And it did meander, but with roses as dark as passion and logic as cold as November frost. I liked it so much I was tempted to use it for S Lit, but then studying and loving are two seperate things and when mixed, have disasterous results.

Anyway. Back to my story.

I fell asleep on the plane again; blue skies, peppering clouds that huddled and crossed borders like wires meshing across transalantic skylines. I thought about airstewardesses and the clouds, and maybe the skies would have one too with navigational stars and sheep. Yes, clouds are sheep. Then the cloud-sheep would cross from skypasture to skypasture with airstewardesses telling them where to mehhh and muuuu and which plane is likely to run through them.

So I woke and slept and woke and slept and it was altogether a disjointed memory of wakeful dreaming ie. did I drink water? Or did I dream I drank water? The only thing I didn't dream was the pins and needles because my legs got cramped from budget airlines and unfortunately, you can never wish away that.

So we crossed the harbour to WanZhai because queueing is for stupid people and it takes hours and we get back in one piece and suddenly I think with longing for chicken rice, which I forgot to eat and I want shredded ginger with mine. Shredded ginger = tsu's chilli. I don't particularly like chilli, but I like ginger. I can eat platefuls of sliced ginger with dumplings. In fact, the dumpling must be absolutely obscured by ginger before I will eat it. No vinegar. Just ginger.

The strange part is that I hate ginger jelly, ginger chocolate and preserved ginger. It is gross.

Anyway I'm going off soon, have to unpack and watch TV and maybe go check out the girls' dorm and be lazy and slack and eat cookies for dinner.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:57 p.m.+

And then the army

Monday
Went shopping with mom. Shopping and mom seem to be tied inexorably together because I grew up shopping with mom. Therefore doing anything else besides shopping eg. fussing, worrying etc annoys me a lot. Honestly, just go shopping with me. Window shopping is okay~ part of the joy of shopping is just going in and out of shops anyway. I just like looking and touching prettyful things.

Oh! I bought a summer dress from Individual Expression at Taka. The designs remind me of a cross between Garland and Jane Marple, and I got a lovely origami-print dress with bright flowers at the border. It's weird how when Aya wears it, she looks old but when I wear it, I look loli. I think it's the person wearing it, the style. Suits some, but not all.

And.......
I GOT THIS SKIRT!!!!!!!!!

That's right~ it's the dream of my dreams Alice Chess skirt in black. I love it because the print is awesome cool, and it's not too flashy that it requires a petticoat day-in-day-out. Honestly I'm a rather lazy loli.....If I could, I'll skip the petti and the nittygritty (blergh headdress and hairdos, just gimme a hat for heaven's sake!!) I think next I'll try and get hold of a hat - a simple boater hat because I am lazy to match and boater hats match everything from sweet to classic to gothic.

You know, I love that skirt not only because it's beautiful and that it's the first skirt I ever fell in love with, but also because it's an intelligent print. Not weird or ridiculously cheesy *koff*MetaCameo*koff*, but intelligent. As in "oooo! there's a literary reference here!". Appeals to my inner-nerdy-lit student. Like. "Comment on the significance of Alice as chess pieces, in reference to Through the Looking Glass." So, aesthetically I like it. Intellectually I like it too.

Anyway, I'M JUST HAPPY I GOT IT!:D :D :D :D
ridiculous price nonetheless xD

Tuesday
Watched Spiderman 3 and cried. I insist on crying on the sad parts, because if I don't cry then it's like not worth my money. The whole point of watching a film is to either laugh or cry, so I must laugh or cry if not I feel very cheated off my %9.50 :P weird right?

Met up with Sakky, then went to Bugis where we lingered so long that Aik Bee at Arab was closed! Had Murtabak to lift our spirits, then went to Chinatown but most of them were closed because of Labour Day. But it's okay! We took purikura at this SUPERCOOL purikura machine and then we wandered around looking at monoboo army stationary and open magazines at Kino~~~ wahhhh lots of things and ate kame-cake (guai lin gou) and then so horrifying cos Sak never ate seasame paste before!!!!!!!!11111 what kind of deprived child???

But it was fun! And super-tiring~ tomorrow is last shopping day!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:17 a.m.+

when we were young

After a few messed up days, I finally got a new layout. Okay, recap time!

Friday
.....belonged to audy. Like going home. The feeling of a familar person - the house that seems so familar (that I almost walked into the wrong room!), the posters on the wall, the CDs and the happy taste of eating instant soba together then sitting on the long, twisty busrides. I like taking a bus. I like taking a bus with you especially because time seems to stop and we're travelling but not and it doesn't matter where we end up because I know you'll be there, telling everyone I forgot my handphone and poking me and we'll be silly and happy and I think that's what they call love

That's right, it was like falling in love again and again but it never feels old. Like the feeling of a warm blanket and stoner music and faces pressed against the window when it rains, pours, thunderstorms and you know next to you is someone warm to hug.

So we took purikura and we pranced around kino and when she said that goodbye and we didn't hug at all because then it would seem too real and I know I won't see her till June but I miss her already, because then there's no one there. It doesn't matter what we did or what happened or where we went - how Orchard Road lights up like a everlasting christmas tree, balantly ignoring seasons and trends, how we ate so much junk food, how everything seemed to sparkle and we did all the stupid things and hey, that was okay wasn't it? because right now, all I have are pictures and I miss her already.

That was Friday.
And I already wish it was June.

Saturday
Saturday belonged to Sak, but it never really materialized because Aya was there and we were pissed off because I was hungry and we never got to take purikura and ended up in Liang Court so it turned out more to be Aya's day than Sak's so I told Sak nevermind, you can have me on Tuesday I promise with all the little hearts and flowers I scribbled on your diary.

The point of which that happened was the Great CreamPuff Hunt. To be struck by a craving for creampuff so vast and profound that it seemed at all the life's philosophies could be encased in vanilla custard and puff. To know the true essence of the puff - all it's secrets and glories, then relish the delightful knowledge that the world was right and I was with You. So. We went on a creampuff hunt in which Aya done things that you are not supposed to do on a hunt. I think if Aya was a Murakami character, she would be a very sad one because she did not go about the hunt the proper way. The proper way is to not meet anyone but those in the hunt. Therefore, even though I wanted to meet Jia Jun it was not possible because the hunt did not permit it. The second thing was that Aya did not eat the puff, thus, she must now have to find her own puff and fufil it's custardy destiny.

The point being, a puff is a tremendeous experience.

How to explain it? The craving. The soul craving for a creampuff is the one that causes you to ache helplessly with swoonsome desire, that your mind goes blank with the need for a puff. You think of a creampuff like air - to breathe in the icing sugar, to crunch the sweet pastry, to inhale the cream. And then the void inside you would be relinquished and you would be satisfied. satisfied.

So we went to Harbourfront, then we seeked out the puff and I ate 2. The second puff always tastes the best, because the first is too desperate. So like that, you know for sure that life always starts on the second page - after all the correction fluid and eraser markings and ink scribbings. The art of doodling and lines become more instinctive and balanced. Second page. Philosophy. Cream Puffs.

Sunday
Was Aya's day, and we went to get our ears pierced. For the 100th time this week we had sushi. Sushi depravation is a very hard thing for me in China because you cannot eat raw food or risk parasites. So, I eat a month's worth of sushi in Singapore first.

Piercing ears isn't too bad. It feels like a staple bullet. I don't exactly like it because I find it annoying when I bathe or wash my face, but still. Aya needed company, so I provided. We took neoprints and I realize Mom has no talent for it at all, and Aya doesn't know the art of clutter. So far, only Audy knows how to layer clutter so it actually looks good. But still. Photos. The kind of clutter shows what kind of person they are. Aya's clutter is so tidy it doesn't look like clutter, thus not aesthetic (but tidy)

I know how mine look like. Clutterful :D

Then we walked around and I saw laksa and my heart skipped a beat and I knew tomorrow I had to eat it. And we got more cream puffs, and Aya now likes them because she did not eat them when she was supposed to.

It's not my fault I swear.
The creampuff. It was the creampuff.
The best creampuff in the world.

To be continued tomorrow.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:05 a.m.+