what's wrong with a little destruction?
i had a long and involved entry written in my head consisting of stardust and black holes and white holes and odd things like dandelion leaves and windpuffs and the smell of mysterious perfume but it's all gone now, writtten in my head and chased off the comp by my sister so no one will ever read it except me
i don't really know what to say about EOY this year. ok. try. start with something simple
morning was disasterous and everything that came after was like a whirlwind of bad, good and i-dont-knows that somehow sucked everything up. audy brought her plushie which was kinda odd considering how many people were there and looking back - maybe asking her along was a bad idea after all. she would be happier off alone that day and i would be happier off with someone i could depend on. i can't go eoy on my own, because i freak out. and audy freaking out and hugging tsuyoshi and locking herself in means that i'm sucked inwards and outwards and slowly freaking out in a very invisible but very zomg way
anyway it was really bad when i got home, but that's later.
*rewind*
i remember one incident clearly, it was early into EOY and i was with crucifixiation, kagetsuki and then a photographer asked for pics of all of us and so i obliged. but then lots of people suddenly started crowding around and the guy couldn't get a good shot 'cause i kept blinking and freaking out and couldn't smile and it was just getting worse and worse and seriously, thank god when kagetsuki decided to bitchout plz and turn away because i was practically freaking out on the spot.
so the day got progressively more erratic with mood swinging from A to B to Z like a windmill and the crowd was getting worse and worse and the only the i was clinging to was just snapping away pictures (which is why i currently have zomg amounts of it)
i really don't want to continue now, sidequest please
imagine a hermit crab with a small body and a shell it makes out of trash with a thick layer of mud and two black eyes like peas, peeking out. imagine the hermit crab scuttling sideways on the seabed, picking up your shit and my shit and putting it upwards to it's shell. imagine the hermit crab calling all that shit home. then tell yourself that maybe that's what everything's really about.
um. so. back to EOY
the best part of the day was seeing Kyoru since the last time i saw her was when i was 14 and she was cosplaying mana and i was cosplaying chii from chobits. and we were so young and so stupid and it was awesome and cosplaying was awesome and it was like everything had so many possibilities
now it just seems like the sparkling is all aluminium, and everyone's gone, gone gone and names that i used to talk to everyday flitter into the wind and i don't even know where they are anymore. did they ever finish school? did they ever get what they wanted? did we even get close?
i don't know what to think anymore
then sunday came and mom rolled me out of bed for dimsum which was good and custard buns which was even better and then got pontos's christmas present and then dinner and chu-hi and katamari and now i'm really sleepy and quite sick with flu (argh argh clear up tomorrow pls) and the weather hates me. need sleep NAO.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:14 p.m.+
Today was a good day hmm??? Had fried rice, played dress-up-audy!, rolled some katamari (and broke vivien's record!) and ate bak kwa. deliciousss Tomorrow's EOY, so everyone's busy sleeping or sewing - good luck to all!
btw, I'm annoyed I can't find my red cardigan D: I liked it so much! I bought it in St Kilda's! WAH!
Anyway, pimped like mad lately and taught my sis how to wax her legs. Hilarious :D it's this kind of weird sisterly things that we do like me going "IT'S YOUR BOOOOYFRIEND" on the line while she cringes and I think OK, finally acclimitized somewhat and the rashes died down (thank god, they were itching like crazy but my nose itches every _single_time it rains. Urgh. It's annoying to be so weather-sensitive. I'm still debating whether to risk wearing makeup tomorrow or not.
pros:
-look more rori
-feel prettier
-take nicer photos
cons:
-tomorrow my skin will PAY
-rashes
-itchy
-ITCHY
My nails are shiny and ghei though! So happy!:D :D :D they're like red with gold glitter on top and it's totally OTT and getai-ish. Homz. I just realized tomorrow I might actually be an angbao-loli. Or getai-loli. Or disco-loli. Although honestly, I'm more snack-loli than anything. SORRY SIS I DON'T LIKE MILK PAN SO I ATE THE APPLE THING D: it was yummy! with almonds! and sugar bits! and no i ate it in the kitchen so don't give me that expresssion!!!
Ahhh anyway I'm going to sleep soon.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:58 a.m.+
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
ro o ooo ooollli iii ing
123456789
this is so fucked up
fucked up fucked up fucked up
what happened don't ask me but it's totally fucked up
sometimes i wonder like now, but it's just nuts
nuts like peanuts and pistachio nuts and cow nuts
and headharded nuts
i don't get it anymore
and tbh, i'm sick of asking first
i mean i did enough of that already so for heaven's sake
what the fuck i don't know it's just totally fucked up
just like some stupid song
or shojo manga 'cept without falling sakura
stupid useless pathetic stupid idiotic dumb stupid
messy and unkempt and not pretty and full of argh
argh argh argh argh
frustration balled up like a katamari
so we go play katamari to unroll the frustration
and then when we decide OK DO SOMETHING
and MSN doesn't work fucking hell
and photoshop too fucking double hell
argh argh argh argh
if we ROLL UP all the "arghs" it would be:
arghargharghargh
i am sick of this and i want my vacation happy mood back
D: D: D: before i start wondering WTF am i doing in SG
we rolllll up universesssssss
1 2 3 4 567910*roll*
sometimes i wish life was as simple as katamari darmacy: ROLL FIRST THINK LATER and we say "score!" and "fabulous!" and wiggling screaming humans and it just grows bigger and bigger in a Nice And Comforting Way
i'm just really annoyed over this - it's like wtf man, if you have a problem just say it! i already tried to talk to you yesterday but okaaaay whateverrrrrrrrr don't want to that's fine. anyway i'm sick of starting the conversation all the freakin' time because freakin' hell i am feeling deeply unappreciated ATM. there. i said it. I AM FEELING DEEPLY UNAPPRECIATED. because i'm sick of hearing we have nothing in common (like fuck, of course we do)
it's not that you don't care (i know you do, and i do too) but it's the littlest things that count. i mean going to aust is great and stuff, but really a simple conversation of like "hi how's your day" on MSN would make me happy already. i don't need grand gestures and all that because i have enough of empty promises to last the rest of my life without trying to believe new ones (which, tbh even if were true i won't believe it either)
i understand i'm a difficult person, but sometimes i just want to go ARGHHHHHHH and give up just because. you never seem to notice how hurtful you can be either and it really really doesn't help my already pathetic levels of pathetic self-esteem. seriously. i mean, we hurt each other all the time but sometimes you kinda cross the line into "unforgivable" which - if for anyone else, i would write them off completely.
i know this is a rant and partily fueled by various unrelated but equally shitty incidents that happened over the last few days but it doesn't change that this really does upset me, and quite often too.
maybe it's because you have no clue how difficult for me to come back to SG just to see you, but right now i'm just wondering why i did it.
peace out okay?
time to get some rolling
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:04 a.m.+
gentlemen we shall now have an accounting
still. be still like the quiet mirror of a lake, shores swathe in fog and edges blurred like wet paper with ink running in blotches. it's hard to say actually; the wind feels familar and smells the same and october is long over but remembered and somhow there's guilt and sorrow and everything mixed into each other again and why can't i ever seem to run away far enough?
i went to my grandmother's house today and it was delicious, and it feels like same same same and it was wonderful, really. Just reading and doing the same things I usually do and the simple taste of stir-fried broccoli with rice and lotus root soup. I did miss my grandparents, even if I didn't know it then.
I remember as walking across the overhead bridge in the hot afternoon with my grandfather and brother after school, and he would go and play on the card machines and me and my grandfather would sit in the hawker centre and drink sugarcane. I remember how he would sit outside the balcony on CNY and crack melon seeds and our house is full of people. I remember how - before I left, he gave me a red packet - not an ang bao but a heng lin and I kept it with me ever since, and never opened it.
And today when he gave me another, I held it with both my hands and tried to say what I didn't know how to.
See, grandparents are not like parents. Grandparents are like floating figures, not tied by the reality of nagging and scolding and washing diapers who just give give give and as kids, well, kids are cruel aren't they? they don't know anything And now I don't know what to say even though I have so much to say so much.
And then when I hugged my grandfather and then thought how sad, how sad it must be for them and maybe happy too and mostly sad - with all of us grown-up and unexplainable, less easily pleased with sparkles and candy and then how quiet CNY would be now with only one table and a handful of people and not like how I remembered: 2 seperate tables and hacked fried crabs with egg and minced meat, plates of white chicken and pillows of rice and the sound of chatter and bones hitting the table, smacking lips and chewing.
I always wish I knew what to say, but never more so when it comes to my family.
And then today when I called mahmah....she just sounded so old and so...frail and it struck me in the way that thinking and reading doesn't that people die not prettily like in manga or heroically in movies but proper humaneness of dying - your body starts to fail you with your bowel movements painful and uncontrollable and fluids start backing up and breaking downg and bones start cracking and slipping and your voice starts to quaver and maybe, maybe for the first time i can understand why people fear death and old age so much.
but she could only bring him to his knees
when he made the first ebb-tide
.....................I really don't know what to say.
yesterday
Met audy for the first time after so many months and weird, but it feels like last week! o.o then ate a lot, watched Enchanted and Golden Compass. I liked Golden Compass more, and Nicole Kidman makes a convincing Mrs Coulter, even if the ending was kinda shoddy. Enchanted....I liked the irony and humour, but I'm not really the romantikuuuu-bf-love!type. The ending was hilarious though!
Feels like the kind of thing I'll rent to watch during christmas
Found stuff for EOY, went to Black Alice and 'twas cool, bought a parasol 'cause I gave mine to sak (and I needed something water/wind/sunproof for melb. anyway), didn't have time for dinner but that's okay, took purikura, dropped my wallet, but THANK GOD I FOUND IT AGAIN. ahem. thanks sis.
yeahhh
going back to tetris
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:06 a.m.+
in the sand
a soft brushstroke from the
back of the foot; tip of the toe
lazy circles
softening swirls
tiny dances
in en pointe
Ahhhh~today was such a primpin' day. A very JE-day. I got a new haircut (it doesn't really look any different imho) then I got my eyebrows plucked (a la KATTUN) and the strange thing is that I wouldn't have bothered with any of these things if not for the fact that I was a KATTUN fangirl and it's like.....I dunno, better to be a stylish and eyebrow-plucked fan? I guess if there's anything I learnt from JE, it's that hair and eyebrows are important.
Ate more food - yesterday was out with Sakky and went to Kino and wandered around and had a fun time mou-ing and then played Katamari and ate an awful lot. Hm. I eat a lot only when I'm at home I think. Yesterday I had popiah, 2 sotong sticks, 1 curry puff, 4 yakitori, 2 mont blancs, 1 japanese puff chestnut pie, 1 bottle of sugarcane and lots and lots of junk food. Hm. Then today had negitoro rice and lots of sushi~ yummmm~ life is perfect with food.
Anyway I want to talk more about cutting my hair and plucking my eyebrows. It's such a weird sensation! I don't think I can never be a popstar because I get bored when people fiddle with my hair (can't read) and I never know what to do with it. It's also kinda weird to have a stranger washing your hair? does anyone else feel that sensation? It just seems vaguely private and borderline sexual/trangressive in that invasion of personal space way, and it's a bit off.
It still looks more or less the same though, just that my fringe is thicker and the ends are choppier and less layered because I refuse to have a fussy haircut. She actually handed me an entire book of different hairstyles, and I was like "NO NEED!!" My criteria is something like: doesn't look too messy, and will look okay even after 6 months. Then I went to get my eyebrows plucked (and lectured) by this makeup artist guy and he kept talking about how people never bothered/noticed/cared and that Eyebrows are Important (I'm sure Kame agrees) and People Should take Good Care...etc etc It was really hard trying to nod and keep still and not wince at the same time, but anyway by the time it was finished I had to agree. I look hilariously young. I mean....hilariously. The straight cut + wide eye effect is kinda "wha-" inducing.
To be really really honest - I'm a bit of a slob (well, more like a super slob but ah well) so this is really really new to me. I might have super girly aura, but I'm not very girly. My hygiene is questionable, my housekeeping is more like..........volcanic explosion upon the floor and I'm too lazy to cook properly so I end up with fried rice a lot. plus I have the manly habit of running from commitments So this is all kinda new to me. Hell - even my sis uses sunscreen and audy plucks her eyebrows regularly! PLZ UNKEMPT RORI. Anyway it just feels really weird, and I totally had to say it.
yeahhhhhhh so I dunno....I just find it really strange?
It's kinda fun though, in a weird way.
but it's not something I'll like frequently
I found it kinda annoying after a while
OH YEAH MUST TELL EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEW TETRIS HIGH SCORE OF 31 820!
so happy~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ahhh tomorrow's schedule: go far east plaza and maybe chinatown, dinner with uncle marc, post lolita_indies. Then Monday pearl centre, print stuff out. Saturday with audy. Sunday go grandma's place. Call Natz. Call Mr James. Call Rachel Koh. Settle all the overseas cards/packages (that means I should hop over Kino again and pick up Hasumi book at the same time). Eat chicken rice. Eat laksa.
Oh yeah, make new layout too.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:28 a.m.+
i watched the sunset for over an hour, the back of my spine curved uncomfortably with my ass tired from sitting too long and it was like that - so pretty, the colours of grey falling down like wisps and silk and all pretty smokey unknowing things and the curiousity that science doesn't explain anything, because how can it explain such mysterious beauty?
a procession of clouds
steadily stamping tramping on
pheonix feathers gold silver and gauze
marching towards
the aching sunset
so pretty. then it was charcoal black and orange and chrome and pink at the bottom, and watching all this makes me happy and sad and heartpained
my head feels dizzy in the way people who lack souldistance would. my soul is trapped in melbourne; 4am and walking home from uni and the wind cool and bright and mellow with summer scents but my body in sg; warm and muggy and humid as hell, with the air dank and stale and familar and feels like home but not at the same time. oh fishing line, oh fishing line when does my soul get reeled in? i need back myself
euphoria that wears off into confused states of huh-ness, i don't know what to think. i don't want to lie but on the other hand, it seems to stark. no reductionism please. maybe going out tomorrow would make it better.
whatever.
c'est la vie and all right?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:28 a.m.+
PACKING COMPLETE! Oh god, you have no idea how happy that makes me feels~ Anyway I updated some photos, some of which are pretty WTFy and listening to KAT-TUN's You makes me slightly high~ oh yeah that reminds me must SMS jiawei in the morning to say: "no he owns more than one shirt but he likes that best" 'cause I'm shameless and asked him yo xD
It was raining, which was totally awesome because it's been so hot lately, and I really hate it. Got Jiawei (aka. MY SLAVE) to run and get doughnuts and that smart girl, she got 6 doughnuts instead of 4 because she said I would eat all of 'em anyway....hahaha I like eating with Jiawei! She does it with such enthusiasm and bulldozes everything and when we go for dinner it's like we order 1 sashimi plate, 1 sashimi ozen (rice, pickles, soup and chawanmushi), 1 endamame, 1 terayaki chicken, 2 CHU-HIs, extra plates of unagi sushi and maguro and salmon belly AND WE EAT ALL OF IT.
*insert Jin and Maru moments*
It's not like eating with audy or uncle marc who are too concerned with dieting or whatever to the TRUE ENJOYMENT. Like today 3 of us trooped down to Mekong Pho noodles and ate 1 bowl of beef special: tripe, marrow, brisket, sasuage and whatever; 1 plate of fried spring rolls, 3 grassjelly white tea, 1 chargrilled chicken and we finished it. EVERYTHING. Now me and sis are on the verge of finishing all 6 doughnuts too. Then later we staggered into Robo Bar for a last mojito (Pillow Book love!<3) and rounds of Pac-Man and Space Invaders~ I swear that's my favourite bar in melbourne, even if it's dim. The mojitos are AWESOME and arcade is best!:D
Then wandered around flinders and ended up sitting outside GPO just talking and stoning and freaking/bullying jiawei. then we promised to have dinner in sg before going back to melbourne and since we both didn't have contact numbers, just gonna get her on MSN. IF NOT I'LL EAT EVERYTHING MYSELF! *pigs* hahaha she calls me a pig too! so funny! but really it's amazing how much we eat together....we can eat like $50 bucks worth of food.
It's so funny but most of my memories related to jiawei are all about food. Cooking, complaining, shopping, going to eat out.....kyaaaaa~ we're really pigs! Then after we eat we'll go back to my place and sleep. SLEEP AFTER EATING D:
Anyway tomorrow I'll be home! I can't wait honestly~ LAKSA HERE I COME!<3<3<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:19 a.m.+
my mind feels so subsumed. that's the right word really, subsumed; a kind of cotton-candy coated feeling of sinking into a dazed state of blurred existence - where everything is there but not at the same time. sunstroked with holidays, the summer wind refreshes and lulls back into the soft feeling of being in a not-quite-world of shopping and chocolate churros and sandy beaches with seashell crumbs between your toes, washed and returned into the receding tide. land that everchanges and maybe maybe that's what living on a cloud feels like. nothing is real. everything is soft. everything feels like a dream.
croissants in the morning with skim milk. lamb pizza with rosie blue and souvlaki with garlic yohgurt dripping into paper bags and plastic cups filled with chai latte. sitting outside castro's in the evening light, twilight at the fingertips and trees glowing like seaweed floating in the sky. somewhere, faint music plays like a windpipe and piano and the keys that dance over feels like the waltz - twirl around, spinning and then you realize that's the music you can hear in your head.
there's something like that - something wonderful about being carried by the rhythm and rhyme and no reason at all; just merely following as the days pass like paper cranes fluttering from fingertips into godly birds and windancing and isn't it so easy? just walking like velvet. what day is it? does that matter? all we know is tomorrow will be the same.
so i'm just letting this feeling last as long as i can.
don't think, just feel
my therapist made a really funny(?) remark this week, saying that i think too much, even about what i feel. constant state of self-awareness? something like that. i guess it's true, finding it hard to just let it be and just dancedancedance. trying, small steps, 1-2-3 and there, maybe i've found the rhythm after all.
it's not all perfect though, this summer dream. "perfect" doesn't exist but maybe it's as close as perfect that i can get - mistakes small and easily fixed, that you know that you can come home to a (abeit) messy apartment and it'll be safe and comfortable with books and tv and bearbear and the sun will rise the next day; comfortably falling like blocks of tetris : the L that goes with the T and joining together in a perfect rectangle that fades to new shapes.
talking about tetris, i'm offically an addict with my top score of 28,800. insane? perhaps. then again, my entire family is hooked on something or the other.....my sis loves hexic, my brother goes for bejeweled and now i'm totally addicted to tetris. i play it obsessively, even in my dreams. yesterday i dreamt of falling blocks into perfect places and stacks and stacks of 'em
leonard cohen is like bob dylan homeless on the street and walking up attics to remember what it was like, and the drizzling london rain falls unprotected on his head. isn't that nice? i like it. his voice is smooth and gravelly at once, like drinking too much honey beer.
daydreaming about the future....maybe i should design children's clothes....daydreaming about girl's dresses with baba yaga appliques and soft felt hairties and clothes for kids with sweet smiles and sad eyes and poetry in eyes that don't know the right words yet. clumsy expressions. hahaha...maybe i'm just projecting, since i feel i've never grown up or grown old - just that now i can find better words to explain what i always felt.
daydreeeeeammmmmmmmm
watching a lot of kattun lately, merely just for fun. i love mindless trashy pop - the all embracing sluttiness of kame and jin. so postmodernist. so fun. no i'm not a postmodernist. *denialdenial*
stars
the million line rhumba
i would go up tonight
except i haven't got a sitch
to wear
*whistles*
a golden melody
that no one else can hear
echoing from the sidewalks
where does it come from?
where does it go to?
following down
up and down
inside and around
[in brackets; we search there too]
roundroundaroundround
dizzyspinning - chasing your own tail
fall out laughing
just a lot of little lies
and the single truth
of a self-melody
i feel like swaying like a hippie with my eyes closed and falling asleep. is that what it feels like? like the sound of the word lu-au.....zzzzz.......
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:06 p.m.+
Hah! The Beatles must be on crack because they can sing beacause the world is round i get turned on. I always knew there was something strange about Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds but Because totally wins in the weird-ass department.
Have to: pick up my drycleaning items, pack my winterboxes, pick up my painting, let jiawei bathe 'cause she ran out of hot water and pick up my sister at the airport. GAH :/ the only good part about today is that I don't need to cook, since I have a pile of leftovers which I cooked yesterday. And to be EXTRA EXTRA sure they'll be enough leftovers, I cooked 2 cups of rice and a hilarious lot of veg and meat plus a whole pile of biscuits. Need to buy milk though. Dang it.
I think my new soap is reacting to my skin. ARGH. D< it's organic and everything! why is it still itchy??? I should really stick to baby soap but sometimes I really want to try other things damn.
Oh I stopped watching Yukan Club after episode 1. Sorry. BORING. I am dismally bad at watching Jdramas because plotlessness doesn't really do it for me (neither does bad overacting) I can see it being a hit with the Ouran/Hanadan crowd though......but in general I find watching dramas a pain.
Urgh the annoying part is that Jiawei can't access her laptop either - so now BOTH of us have no Fiest. DAMNED. Because Man on The Moon is seriously love. Talking about music, Marilyn Manson doing Eurythmics Sweet Dreams is scarily good. Scary and good. I never thought I'll like his voice, but it somehow works in a Kyo-On-Crack way. Very sexy, but you didn't hear me say that.
Kinda lazy to pick up stuff, but looks like I will.
Oh yeah! Yesterday's House ep was so cool!I'm sad I missed the Crashers, but I can catch the replay on Friday which is good.
Caught MAPC (mars) which is a russian arthouse flick from 2004. It's pretty awesome and I adore the colours. COLOURS! So lovely and desaturated and stark with a lovely cyanish undertone. Every frame looks like a photograph and I can talk forever about the surrealistic feel and the VERY AWESOME OST. Very awesome. I wish I could read russian. It is awesome enough that I was humming it this morning whilst getting dressed. My favourite character is Nadya although my favourite scene is the library one when Greta moves fluidly through the shelves of books.
There isn't really much of a plot (but then again, The Return didn't have much of one either). It's still evocatively sweet, with a slow mad desperation that tastes like death-cab-cotton-candy. I like it though.
........btw is it me, or does everyone look rather undernorished? Another thing that's been bugging me is how everyone in unimelb (the Taiwanese, Korean, Japanese, China-chinese, HK) all look like boybands now? It's really rather distrubing. Especially when they open their mouth and a STREAM of -whatever- comes out.
k, better run errands now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:55 p.m.+
dancedancedance in a blue raincoat
it's peltering rain again, and overnight it's dropped from 44 to 18. somehow, it feels nice. comfortable. comfortably cold with wet feet and wind and flecks of rain like spittle on my umbrella and maybe that's how i really like it. deep orangey violet clouds that glow luminously at night and the stark empty silhouette of trees like backing paper. tea lights. watching tv with drizzling rain, fried rice with brown mushrooms and veg and chicken and somehow it's terribly comfortable to live like that
i'm finding it very hard to leave melbourne now
it's not i like the place per se, but rather it's my place. it's like to have somewhere where the eye can rove in a comforting mess, an extension of yourself in a place that doesn't move in your head and becoming more and more. six months! to settle in and now i'm back to move again
a lot of things to think about.....a lot more than i really want to say. more like desperation and hiding and looking out of windows and it's both warm and chilly; like sitting in the living room with the windows open and the air that blows through is both cold and refreshing and wanted and not at once.
image: softly falling rain and the mist rises like a silken embrace that conceals and hugs; a wet second skin that smells like something familar but not - how can it be familar if you've never been here before? behind, the water swirls sliently into drains, deep underground catacombs and labrinyths with hidden places and footsteps like the sounds of shadows moving from behind. come forward the shadow-says, and held by the mist of the rain. walk into the fog. never come back.
waking up feels like a slender and odd thing to do, broken twigs and unfurling and the stratchy tracks of 90s hits with sythpop and sad lyrics and then maybe that's it. like that.
so take a bath with in the middle of an empty apartment, there's a white tub. in the tub you sit, with your shoulders up to the rim of the edge and hindquarters curled inwards and hair still damp and clinging to your face, tendrils still dripping wet. hold your palms outwards and underneath, you can see the reflection in the shifting water and the face that is reflected is pressed on the palms like a soft, sad sigh
hold that sigh, and the haunted memories come. live between things, and the things that make you smile are names that are forgotten, people that don't exist and the eyes that rimmed are like mascara'ed ink falling down into the bathwater.
i need to think.
but what's the point right?
stop living in your head
oh god.how do i stop?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:07 p.m.+
yesterday was like smoke and liqourice and secrets and when the dawn came up at 5.30 we were still talking and my throat was dry and raw from talking too much until words spilled over like sand and secrets as dry and cold and hard as dawnlight.
talking like that, with instant noodles and the distance of a few bowls and cultery but miles and miles away with our eyes never meeting except on the window or the tv and pretending the other didn't exist
i was so tired by then.
then i knew - i knew for sure that it hasn't ended and maybe he/you/they/i is right; living in my head. the pretense of the illness that never disappeared and lingered like a sad, heavy waft that rose insidiously like a poison and washed like waves and then i found i felt more than i thought i did
all i have is in my mind
i really never knew that i felt like that. not until i said it and the words came spilling out from somewhere i didn't even know existed - everything i thought about melbourne and running and escaping and maybe maybe.....maybe i hated for a second. that.
it felt so long, an entire night of it that started with computers and instant noodles and warmth. i don't even know what to think now. what do i want. what do i need. what can i do. future that exists or maybe does not. pent upness and repression and icebreakers. think of ice-ships, berths and shorelines. huge glaciers. bang'on! iceberg.
i'm going off to play some tetris for a while. no, i don't want to know how much you can score. no i don't want to talk to anyone now either. consider it door-slamming.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:48 a.m.+
Listening to: YOU - Kattun
It's so hot now! *fans self* hot like sun-baking in the sand with grains shifting underneath your toes and you suck on ice lollies and snow cones and your breath comes out like a cool blast on the slow, heated air. The sidewalks feel warm with captured heat and when you walk on it, it's like walking on toasters and it smells nice. Nice like warm baked shephard's pie, or toast bread with peanutbutter and nutella cut in the shape of BATS! and everything seems to slow down, move gently and slide through the heavy air.
I remember the first day I realize it was really UWAH~ HO!SUMMER! with capitals and how exciting it was to have seasons. I was carrying groceries home (essentials: milk, eggs, cereal) and my other hand was holding a box of ginger-choc cookies I *REFUSED* to feed Jiawei with (that pig, I was gonna cook dinner soon! no snacking! *twaps*) and then I heard them! The sound of summer.
Cicidas.
You know it's like those cheesy animes (re: AIR, Kanon) when you walk past a field with a sudden gust of wind in your hair, warm and dusty and slightly dry with wide open eyes and the entire field breaks out into the glorious chirping that heralds summer. The bicycle speeds past with bells clinking like sliver in a melody that can't help but thrill, and somehow you can't help but fall in love with the world again.
I love summer nights best - you can hear the crickets still, but less sharply. More like a mellow dream, with chiruuping chiruuping muted with the sighing of quiet wind, soft and sweet and jasmine-scented and the night is still warm but not hot. Let it be warm like a lover's embrace, sitting on the steps and watching the brilliant sunset spilling over in a violently beautiful profoundity that feel like a heartache and joy at the same time.
Favourite~ does everyone has a favourite day? My favourite days are Saturdays and Wednesdays. Saturday are like heady champange and giggles and sleeping in late and rolling over for anotehr half-hour and strolling around shopping arcades because it's the start of the weekend, joy! Wednesdays are nice too because I like to skip school on Wednesdays best :D
The best feelings in the world are so odd- best can be anything. Best is not wearing socks and shoes and dancing feeling like a butterfly, all light and quick and dazzling while singing to ghey songs and falling over in happiness. Best is also calling for take out with your feet cozily in slippers and the rain is outside and you sigh luxuriously at the thought of someone delivering FOOD! at the door. Best is also wearing lolita clothes, and prancing around doing nothing but looking pretty and superficial and all~
I'm in a really happy mood
*prances*
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
Happy but tired, 'cause yesterday Natz dragged me out to some Sexpo (sex exhibition) which was really funny. (go LJ for pics) and had really bad souvlaki and lots of fun conversation and ate fudge and now I have really cool soap which I'm dying to try.
I feel like a lazy cat sometimes. Sleeping, eating, slacking, reading, repeat. I'm supposed to pack stuff in boxes, but it's like urghhhh do I have that many things anyway? (yes) I still don't know what I'm cooking for dinner, but a trip down the supermarket would solve that. (omelette with rice?) I feel like having a cinnamon scroll.
uwahhh~ I feel so drunk - sunstroked and drunk on sunshine and warm wind. Happy things. Yes?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:27 p.m.+
I've just spend an (unproductive) afternoon amusing myself with watching KT and probably scaring the poor student guy who's studying surgery next to me. How appropriate isn't it?
Happy feelings are like spillovers of not wearing shoes with your feet tucked comfortably under you or sliding softly in circles on the floor all deliciously pressure and texture and touch. It feels like chocolate ginger cookies and milk and sunshine that leaks through half opened shades and sheets cooled with alcohol and everything that you can believe is beautiful.
I swear I have a point in all this, somewhere.
(ew next to me they're doing AMPUTATIONS. ew)
Anyway I've finally finished all my admin work.ALL. Everything from subject selection to PTW<3 I'm just so glad all the admin is done and I can't help but feel so...ENERGY! (my English is going down the drain like KATTUN lyrics) Yesterday I was listening to yume monogatari and I started dancing in the middle of the street - it was a very happy and stare-ful and slightly wacky experience like living in a walking musical. I just felt so happy! Like many *sparklessparklesparkles*
I just realized that the PV I watched in MTV a few months back wasn't boku no machi de but YOU. hahaha so funny. And since I have a bunch of hours to kill, ZOMG YUKAN CLUB. *falls over laughing* It's like an F4-Ouran Club crossover with WTF IS THAT TAGUCHI LOOKING LIKE A GACKT/TAMAKI CROSSOVER?!?! I spazz with dorky!laughter (they're going to ban me from the comp lab soon I swear. STOP SNIGGERING DAMNIT)
(the only prevention to this is to keep looking at the person-next-to-me screen, who is currently reading on dissection. BLUNT VS SHARP. I am soooooo amused)
um anyway I was going to say that I have an Akame fic idea ready (YES REALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING AGAIN) and a bunch of other original ideas. Watch Jin first (and giggle spastically) then write fic. Okay?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:11 p.m.+
I was going to write about something really awesome, but I need to go to the supermarket and am freezing in the complab.
The moon was like a cheshire cat smile yesterday, and then I remembered to bring water and had cramps and yeah. ARGH. My head feels too light and not myself and I have fics swimming in my blood but LAPTOP WANT.
Think I'll go rent a movie tonight, quite bored.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:33 p.m.+
I really dislike that, so stop pushing me. It's not the same as when we were teenagers now when you can always find me sitting in Kino.....I can actually disappear. Just get sucked up by gobalization and labour mobility (or whatever they'll calling it now) and you'll never find me. I won't forget you, but I won't let myself be hurt by you either.
15th November....time seems to fly so fast doesn't it? Adapting to a new country and life, reveling in the freedom of being me - everything that comes with it; the loneliness of long winter nights that stretched like breath on glass and the absolute joy of realizing that yes you can pick your own brand of cereal and hop down to buy ginger-chocolate cookies and eat icecream for breakfast. It isn't easy, you'll think that all childhood daydreams must culuminate in happy endings and less pricey phonebills (this month's one was $194! D:)
Some people begin in the beginning, but beginnings are tremulous and unformed, lacking in depth and perspective. Starting in the middle is more like it - all absurd and drop-eggish and postmodernist narrative with stumblings and pitfalls and cold anger and weather. I remember the 5th week when everything felt like ending - the rainy weather and the cold meatball pizza and the TV switched on to some lurid advertisement. 3am in the morning. And all of a sudden everything felt distant and hateful and lost and shattering and curled up and started to cry.
Crying is problably the oddest thing - I don't cry because I miss people (hardly actually. but people like to flatter themselves and think so) I cry because it feels helpless and swamping, like an all-consuming wave of restless destiny that crashes into everything you believe in until nothing is left and dry and empty and lifeless. That's when you realize : Game Over. Continue Now?
Put your heels down and sand on your feet and start picking up seashells on wrecked beaches. Rebuilding is harder than you think. First you need to convince yourself that surviving is still worth it - no matter how much you want to skip meals and sleep forever and let the housekeeping sink into dustyhell, you can't. Cooking is the hardest step I think, to cook for yourself requires a kind of resilence and belief that yes, life is pleasurable (not just for pure survival). It's not just cooking per se, but the whole gamut of emotions in them: pleasure in life and caring enough about yourself to cook. That loneliness merely becomes insignificant in the face of a greater existence.
Friends too, start all over. You can't rely on calls or internet or anything because what you need is different from long-distance. It's not to say that friendships disappear over distances, but rather it changes. You have to make new friends because it's not possible to share your life with people who are not there. I was lucky that I met Jiawei - and I'm grateful for her presence (just as she is in mine I bet). It started out casually, but I think now we're closer to being real friends - not just friends-via-proximity. Some things become more precious.....like my brother and sister. I hold them dearer to my heart than I ever have in my life and I know now that no matter how much I quarrel with both - it's irreplacable.
I called my brother y'know? When I found out that my laptop would never be returned. I felt like crying for everything, all my lost documents and work and the pressure of it all.....but then he said something so totally stupid and kor-like I couldn't help but laugh. Does distance matter like that? Or maybe I just needed 2 continents and 4 oceans to realize that.
The biggest change is probably in me. Like a lake with a melting glacier, the water that spills over is serene and quiet like a flat, limitless bowl of pure azure reflecting in equidistant the sky and water. Constantly changing with fresh water that moves imperceptibly; noiselessly refilling underneath the calm blue.
I worry a lot less now - the future seems less like a bleak doom and more like an exciting adventure to taste, hear and touch. It's easier to accept certain things: people lie, relationships change, friends disappear and interests move on. I accept that I don't really like JE anymore but I don't disregard my friends' interest in it. My hope is that they'll accept my interest in other things: DSL-R photography, english music, ironic humour and european poetry and not disregard either.
When I think back of years' ago, my dream of Tokyo and everything that came shattering down - I don't regret it. In retrospect, there would be no way of fufillment in that direction anyway. What is Tokyo but a city? What is Japan but a country? Chasing hot-air balloons with teenage fantasties. I know now that hopes are best left unfinished and open-ended......and perhaps, it's best left that way.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:23 p.m.+
summer is like pudding, all jelly and sweet with a soundtrack that you can tapdance with flipflops and somewhere there's a musical going on that has blue sunny skies and wind and smiles warmer than pancakes in syrup and sunshine.
the best feeling is eating frozen mango yohgurt with the wind in your hair, strolling around the uni listening to BEAT CRUSADE! and feeling super-cool and summery because that's how it feels and should be isn't it? Spanking sunglasses and happiness that bubbles over like golden champange and the wind that smells like beach parties
I made jelly today! And it turned out okay (shall upload massive amounts of photos tomorrow) and very delicious~ also had fried rice and cooked dinner and watched TV and ZOMG I HAVE INTERPOL TICKETS!!!!!!!!<3<3<3 I'm going to watch it in Feb and maybe catch Sonic Youth too~~~~ isn't that awesome???
ahhhh my brain is all fuzzy. Lolita meetup on Sunday which was hilariously fun (surprise surprise) but I think mainly it was fun because the backstabbing bitches some people weren't there and then had krispy kreme and pizza and did all sorts of dorky things. Then Monday was the psychology exam, which was easier than I thought it would be (Fiona had scared me like shit) and today - today was pretty good. Good like gauze and chiffon and silk and wind that blows through curtains even though 3/4 of it was sheer admin hell.
art history VS french......I think I'll take french.
anyway I need to be back home soon to cook, I'll try to call people tonight.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:04 p.m.+
I'm alive!!! Just finished my last exam which wasn't as bad as expected, but not really good either. Whatever. It's OVER!!!!!
Went down to SCA next, and looked for Ms Winter and ZOMG SHE LIKES MY PHOTOS! I'm so happy! I've never really thought of myself as a photographer, but she really likes my plants and people photos. YAYNESS. I'm "above-average". HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY. I got the form signed and tomorrow I'll submit it to Dr. Mansfield to credit it to my course. Ahhhhh so wonderful~ sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have gotten so far in art, considering I didn't start studying art formally till I was 16.
Going to run more admin shit tomorrow: I need to get my work visa as well as apply for driving licence and call the bank! yep. That should be it.
I have lots of things to post actually: study-camp photos, botanical gardens, lolita meetup yesterday et al. will contact everyone soon.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:49 p.m.+
one large varicose vein
I don't know how to describe my days anymore.
Stop.Pause.Think.
The soundtrack to this dance is all wrong
hello stranger, I need a new OST
If lyrics could hover like the eyespan sweeping a city; it would see the gridlock interspersed with small, dainty fairylights that twinkled so enticingly from a distance on a darkened landmass that rolled and heaved like a frozen sea. It would look deceptively busy; crowded the way cities are with traffic and population - tentacles of civilization spreading outwards. Peering closer, all you see are pockets of nothingness. Lights are on, streets are lit but everywhere everywhere is silent. Only the wind talks.
Yesterday was soft and still and padding around the house to finish the last of chores, then going to the uni to return library books and just breathing it in. Sunlight. Try not to look upwards or get caught in the brilliancy of the glare. Cooking steak on an open stove with smoke filling the apartment up, then the final pat of butter - buerre mont. Creamy and silky like freshly washed sheets or churning butter.
Day before was a reckless journey with an incompetent navigator to Royal Botanic Gardens and the sun setting low over the hill with drunken mayflies (my theory is that australian ones are too stupid to know when to leave when you swipe them, because they're too boozed up) and gushing over light and skies and sleeping on the grass and ouch!getting a tram fine AGAIN. Problably the most disgruntled dinner I had for a while, which isn't really surprisingly since I hate having people around me when something bad happens. It makes me want to shove people and shout "go away!"
Then today was a combination of both. When does today start? I slept at 11pm because I was tired, then something (I think audy's sms) woke me up at 2am but I went back to sleep and finally woke around 8-9am. There's something wrong with my sleep, because I can't seem to sleep more than 5hrs now. Cooked dinner again and since Jiawei lost her wallet, I fried fish for her. Read trashy magazines, realized my thumbdrive was missing and was totally sad. SAD. 1000+ hard to find English songs (yes, I rarely listen to jpop/jrock) and all my loli pictures inc. my homework.
I think I'm outgrowing jpop/jrock. It doesn't hold my interest anymore. I like reading the fics more than information about them - I don't even know how they look like now or what music they're releasing. Hell, I don't even know if they're releasing anything and I can't tell the difference between the songs at all......I'm indifferent. The music I really love and like, most of the time I don't even know how they look like. For instance, I love T-REX and Bouncing Souls and "I see you, you see me" (don't even know who it is sung by) and Ben Lee's Begin but I have NO IDEA at all what else they produce.
To be absolutely honest - I don't care how they look like.
I don't even want to listen to their other songs.
does that make sense?
I'm mostly in it because everyone else around me listens to jpop and none of them share my taste in music.
don't know what to think anymore....*sighs*
it just feels too complicated to think
like scattering marbles, just storing away
reconsidering later
Oh yeah, I watched Was nützt die Liebe in Gedanken or 'Thoughts In Love' which is most aptly summed by this critic: Beautifully Made But Ultimately Pretentious. It's some German arthouse flick by the same guy who did Goodbye Lenin and the colours are AWESOME. They have this gorgeous destaturated muted blue overlays with soft focus and incandescent light which gives that painterly feel to the entire thing.
Basically the premise is based on the Steglitz Student Tragedy of 1927 which is a suicide pact between this gay guy, Gunthur and his not-gay best friend, Paul. Gunthur has a "free-spirited" (re: uberslutty) sister called Hilde who fucks with her younger brother's exboyfriend Hans and they proceed to have a kind of indirect incesteous saliva swapping threesome. Paul gets sad 'cause he's got this unrequited love-crush on Hilde. ISN'T IT SO COMPLICATED AND ARTHOUSE-ISH? anyway Gunthur gets a gun. Guess what happens next???
Funny thing is that they show these artsy films on TV but never anything funny and cool. SADNESS. I did get to watch Charlie's Angels 2 though but not enough trashy films.
And I keep thinking of getting this shortbread skirt. Should I get it?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:54 a.m.+
I just want to curl up and disappear.
Strange, a few hours ago I was so happy
Now I just want to shrink into myself and hide away forever.
it's so cold.
diving in
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:05 p.m.+
I hate Melbourne. I've finally realized that all the hmmms and haws isn't due to any initial shyness but my sheer dislike of this city. How is it possible that within the span of 5 months - my enrolment goes missing, my subjects are KIV'ed, my laptop is stolen, I get TWO tram fines and to top this magical list, I'm officially diagnosed as insane. It's the kind of statistical impossibility that makes you an athetist (or that God particularly hates you. yah rly.)
The worst part to all this is that there's nothing good here. NOTHING. For the life of me, I cannot find a reason to like Melbourne. Nuit. Nil. Nada. I hate the temperamental weather, I dislike the laid-back inefficiency coupled with lousy administration, they don't have MTV and too much sport and I haven't found anyone that I feel particularly connected to (HI THAR IMMA ALIEN I COME IN PEACE ._.V) So what you have is a continual list of resentment and complaints and nothing that really makes me happy here.
The irony is that of all the places I've been - racism in Italy, 'disappearing' in Tokyo, absolute evil in China (I met the devil and he called me fat), constraint in Singapore....I was unhappy, but I had something to live for. Here I'm not unhappy, but I have nothing to live for. Nothing.
I'll rather live in the heart of darkness in the middle of China than here.
That's saying something.......
People said that I'll love doing art here but all I get is red tape red tape RED TAPE. A certain puritanical rigidity when it comes to coursework, which unfortunately doesn't translate to better adminstration or organization. (let me ask again, how is it POSSIBLE that they lost my enrolment? then tell me I didn't pay my school fees? then when I showed them the reciept they backpedalled like mad?) I hate doing art here because it's so difficult and consists more of socializing than actual painting and drawing. While I'm sure the kaffekaltch played a major role in fin de scine, I'm equally sure they had better technical skills than whatever people are passing off as 'postmodernist' these days. YAH RLY PAYING $6 BUCKS FOR PRINTING IS ART.[ Plz. vemom.
Sometimes I'm so angry at the inefficiency. Really really angry. I might be lazy, but I'm almost never ineffecient. I hate handing up work late (therefore even though I had special consideration, I handed it up on time). I hate lousy badly done work and using 'hahaha at least i passed!' excuses. I might be relentlessly perfectionistic about certain things but at least - very least I take pride in my work. AND MELBOURNE IS SO INEFFICIENT I COULD CRY. SO. INEFFECIENT.
Argh I hate life. Someone get me outta here before I scream and start shooting pedestrians on the street (or getting lynched by Melbournites).
+tsu waited for you at 09:15 p.m.+
I hate Melbourne. I've finally realized that all the hmmms and haws isn't due to any initial shyness but my sheer dislike of this city. How is it possible that within the span of 5 months - my enrolment goes missing, my subjects are KIV'ed, my laptop is stolen, I get TWO tram fines and to top this magical list, I'm officially diagnosed as insane. It's the kind of statistical impossibility that makes you an athetist (or that God particularly hates you. yah rly.)
The worst part to all this is that there's nothing good here. NOTHING. For the life of me, I cannot find a reason to like Melbourne. Nuit. Nil. Nada. I hate the temperamental weather, I dislike the laid-back inefficiency coupled with lousy administration, they don't have MTV and too much sport and I haven't found anyone that I feel particularly connected to (HI THAR IMMA ALIEN I COME IN PEACE ._.V) So what you have is a continual list of resentment and complaints and nothing that really makes me happy here.
The irony is that of all the places I've been - racism in Italy, 'disappearing' in Tokyo, absolute evil in China (I met the devil and he called me fat), constraint in Singapore....I was unhappy, but I had something to live for. Here I'm not unhappy, but I have nothing to live for. Nothing.
I'll rather live in the heart of darkness in the middle of China than here.
That's saying something.......
People said that I'll love doing art here but all I get is red tape red tape RED TAPE. A certain puritanical rigidity when it comes to coursework, which unfortunately doesn't translate to better adminstration or organization. (let me ask again, how is it POSSIBLE that they lost my enrolment? then tell me I didn't pay my school fees? then when I showed them the reciept they backpedalled like mad?) I hate doing art here because it's so difficult and consists more of socializing than actual painting and drawing. While I'm sure the kaffekaltch played a major role in fin de scine, I'm equally sure they had better technical skills than whatever people are passing off as 'postmodernist' these days. YAH RLY PAYING $6 BUCKS FOR PRINTING IS ART.[ Plz. vemom.
Sometimes I'm so angry at the inefficiency. Really really angry. I might be lazy, but I'm almost never ineffecient. I hate handing up work late (therefore even though I had special consideration, I handed it up on time). I hate lousy badly done work and using 'hahaha at least i passed!' excuses. I might be relentlessly perfectionistic about certain things but at least - very least I take pride in my work. AND MELBOURNE IS SO INEFFICIENT I COULD CRY. SO. INEFFECIENT.
Argh I hate life. Someone get me outta here before I scream and start shooting pedestrians on the street (or getting lynched by Melbournites).
+tsu waited for you at 09:15 p.m.+
I just want to say I love you~
FREEDOM
FREEDOM
FREEDOM
After 5 weeks' of hell, 10+kg of laundry, endless takeaway, computer breakdowns, laptop theft, missed deadline, paint fumes........ALL MY ESSAYS ARE OVER.
God I was at jiawei's place for over 12hrs to finish my essay BECAUSE THE LAB HAD NO FREE COMPS. SO UN-FUNNY. I wanted to breakdown and die. I practically RAN from building to building - mad 100m dash and nearly getting knockeddown twice. I saw andrew but I was really too busy running (i guess it means NOT)
Anyway it's OVER OVER OVER and I really want to watch my TV programme.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:23 p.m.+
don't you ever wish you were a cloud?
but you -are- one.
eating triple chocolate twix in a loose sweater with grey coudroys, my fingers are killing me from the cold. i feel so drained. empty. i talked to mr james (i can just imagine my phone bill exploding this month) and.....i guess everything is better? everything will get better. it's so odd how alike we are sometimes though, sometimes i feel like he's the parent i never had.
told him everything - if everything can be squashed into a bunch of words and sentances but it's okay, i think he understood anyway. it's nice when someone understands you without explainations and explainations and explainations that just keep going and going like jogging that uses up too much energy ....he told me not to be too hard on myself, am i? i felt better in the end anyway, more in direction.
i kinda know what to do now
Reading the script for The Crying Game by Neil Jordan (1992) and kinda doing the essay. I just need to get my hands on the Boys' Don't Cry script and I'm all set. I read faster than I watch anyway.
just lots of things to think on
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:42 a.m.+
MUST. SPREAD. EXCITEMENT.
Audy and I are an item! hahaha not that way you perverts....we're going to collaborate and churn out designs and artwork and coolmagichippy stuff with bad puns and lame jokes the way people make pastry. And we've even got a NAME! Plz be proudly presenting: COOKIEFISH ; a combination of audy (bluexfish) and tsu (pinkcookies)
God this is going to be so awesome
I just can't help being excited because I -know- we're good as a team. It's like a kind of mental catalyst that somehow being together makes us crazier and think better and bounce ideas like playing tennis. It's like dreaming and dreaming when we're kids and now we're finally *somewhere*. Not there yet, but *somewhere*. It's a big and scary world out there but it's maybe - maybe together we'll make it! right?! ganbatte us!:D
Maybe I'm setting my hopes too high, but I need to. I need something to live *for* that doesn't involve coffee or drinking or sleeping pills or computer p0rn because living is more than that isn't it? simulucra and all. I don't want to live in a postmodernist narrative like a void with no lines and just fragments. Prisms and colours and sunshiney days~~
okay back to essaying. Will resurface again soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:51 a.m.+
I AM PROJECTING ALL MY MENTAL AND ESSAY MISERY INTO AKAME BY MAKING MYSELF AS MIZERABLE AS POSSIBLE READING ANGST. BECAUSE ANGST IS SO STRONG I SHALL USE CAPS. CAPS. WE LOVE CAPS.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
argfhjhhdfhsashjdjdskh
jdvfajwhguohrwjvghsdaj
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
my brain is so gonna fry now kthxbai
+tsu waited for you at 04:36 p.m.+
AHHH I HATE QUEER THEORY AHHHH
never never never in my life do I ever want to do it again
It's so painful! I just want to read akame and never do it
Woke up heiniously late (4pm) today and didn't do much work besides read more Gender/French Cinema/Queer Studies and despoiling library books with my yellow highlighter. I really hate it >_> I was sitting with bearbear on the bed and making smartass comments about Dr. House and Wilson and had cereal with milk for dinner. Then I walked to uni and got hungry (and whiny) around 1am and ran down to intersection cafe for souvlaki. Ahhhhh! Their souvlaki tastes bad - I asked for extra veg but they gave me more onions and the taste burned straight into my nose like bad wasabi. Then accidentally took a huge mouthful and I choked! So embarassing >_> thankfully the Jin-lookalike was nowhere near.
Talked to audy and urgh I just realized I need to pay rent today and am so going to be godawfully broke this month. I've sold most of the items I don't wear though, so it should balance out nicely. 'sides, I'm not eating enough! Dinner is all about takeaway and convience and I feel kinda depressed about it - but not depressed enough to start cooking when it's essay period. Question:Explain the main aspects of queer theory. Present a queer analysis of one or two films screened in the course. Discuss the advantages and possible limitations of this approach. It's a pretty simple 2-part question, but I feel like dying. All I want to do is procastinate and procastinate and sit in the corner and stare blankly in sheer retardation.
Um, yeah. Uni has made me stupid.
I'll problably try to finish my portfolio first because that's just editing compared to queer theory in which I have to write an entire essay from stratch. I've got a fair idea of what to write, but I need more research. TOMORROW! finish sprucing portfolio and read more queer theory. Then I should really start writing on Saturday, considering it takes me about 2-3 days to finish completing a research essay.
GAH. I suck at this.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:20 a.m.+
nothing breaks angst like KATTUN!
warning: RETARDATION AND SEX AHEAD!
DANCE VIDEO
there's nothing slutty about this (unfortunately) but so much RETARDATION! Ueda dancing like a modernist expressionist, Junno being dorky, NAKAMARU!ROBO-dancing, kame looking like a whore and ZOMG JIN IS BORROWING YAMAPI'S CLOTHES!
SEX AND RETARDATION! 101
Jin forgets his lyrics, MAJOR HIP-ROLLING and and and! TAP DANCING TWINS! plus the song makes them all sound like dirty old men. LOLZ.
AKAMEPI
yeahhh k Yamapi, your answer is SO STRAIGHT. can you sense how retardness has transmitted to news and rest of je as well?
retarded!Jin
Koki blows Jin onstage! YES THAT ONE
I'm pretty sure this is the most famous JinKi vid ever. EVER. Pinky Live
HA-HA! moar sex and retardation (dreamboy ver.)
I still CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. The lyrics are so dumb, the dance is so hot AND dumb (oh god, the part where he sticks out his hand and does a hiphipthing is AWESOME) and Kame's wave at utawara looks like a come on. SRSLY.
GOLD! cheongsams.
Akame. It helps that the song is pretty good too imho
RETARDATION!
for some reason, I can totally picture them doing this IRL. 'cause like, boys are scared of girl cooties y'know LOL
JUNNO LOOKS LIKE SUPERMARIO!
Some weird musical dance thing, Akame in tailcoats(!), lots of BAD!fake mustaches and the fat guy in white being a cliched piss-ass.
Kanjani8 and Kattun MR ROMANTIC contest
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:34 a.m.+
KAT-TUN is what keeps me going
in passing over
the cloud cuts light fragments
into momentary pieces
of prism
technicolour
today was the worst day in my life.
i just couldn't help but cry.
All choked up everything caught in the throat with catches of breath and god I knew I looked silly and dumb and my eyes were red and snot dribbling down and I was being childish and un-grownup because damnit - who else would cry over some silly oils and colour?
*angstangstangst*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:48 p.m.+
urgh I had about 4hrs of sleep for the past 2 days. How awesome is that? I couldn't sleep because my house smelt like turps and it stank so much that my head hurt so I escaped to the uni half-stoned with my windows all open but IT DIDN'T DRY! even at 9am the next day when I stumbled back to sleep. IT STANK. the horrorrrr....I was so tired I just crawled/crashed to sleep, which problably isn't very hygenic but who the fuck cares when you feel like dying kthxbai?
Woke up at 2.30 and went oh-shit because the freakin' glaze had freaking dripped and it was really too late to do anything but say: oh shit. Brought it to school so that maybe steve could lend me some turps so I could do some last-min wiping but he said it was okay but I dunno...I felt like crap, the world was ending, I havent't photocopied my police report, Gabrielle Barker was being a bitch, tomorrow I had an interview with Arts student advisor and yeah, life sucked. The worst part was not having anything to eat (again!) for the entire day and with the lack of sleep, I was ready to drop dead on the spot and die.
Argh I really want to watch Denno Coil, why must my laptop be stolen at this time?!?!!? SO ANNOYING. Anyway both star-crossed and animesuki forums have updated with spoilers already, so you can go check'em out. ZOMG EP 23 IS SET TO BE AWESOME I KNOW D:
I really need food and sleep.....and ohyeah dad called. HAHAHAHAHAHAH SO AMUSING AS USUAL.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:29 p.m.+
pippi langstrump saves the day
Woke up at 4pm and started painting. My day/night system is totally screwed up and I'm turning malnorished because I can't be bothered to do more than paint and eat burnetti's. Finished the detail for the pink death, which is basically covered with Baudelaire's Fleurs du Mal poems (Danse Macabre was my choice) and tomorrow I'll try to finish the serpent-thing. I need to complete my visual diary too, but now it's mostly cutting and pasting references, hopefully they won't be too offended by the amount of p0rn.
Skipped dinner (zomg.....undernorished!) and decided to wear a dress since the weather was so nice. Pippi! I love that dress, it's so easy to wear. Went to Burnetti's, had almond crossiant and iced mocha which was my breakfast/lunch/dinner. Isn't it sad that I eat my sleeping pills more regularly than I eat food? No wonder my system is so screwed up. Then again sleeping > food, so I suppose it's a very tsu-thing to do. I don't get hungry once I wake up, it takes around 2~hours before I start feeling hungry even though I haven't eaten properly the day before.
Finished more of my visual diary, I'm running out of ideas how to fill the book. MUST. CONTINUE. On another note, I managed to retrive some of my photos via facebook/photobucket and my sister. YAY THANK GOD I'M A PHOTO-WHORE. Of course, it doesn't hurt to take even more photos. Hopefully I'll do well for the interview, since it's uncommon for unimelb to allow 1styears to take 2nd year subjects. I'm reeeeeeally hoping to get in though, but the quota is only 50 people. Must work hard!
Film Theory is going to hell. I'll problably scrummy up an essay like, 3 days before the deadline. Argh. The worst part is, I don't even want to watch those movies since I find it tedious and boring.....but when is art ever NOT tedious?
Going home now, I need to wake earlier to make it to the museuem to write the exhibition report. Hopefully everything will go well.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:30 a.m.+
all your dreams are waking up
in gaslight and moonlight
silent shadows that glide
with footsteps like raindrops
and windswept whispers for voice
arms uplifted
a parted secret
only to die in the dawn of day
It's been a long day - class in the morning with my breath like a fog and half-dazed air. Talked to Gus, my tutor and surprisingly we have similar interests in poetry and stuff. Hahahaha apparently, he's an improvished writer who tutors on the side (not a PhDer like everyone else). I guess it's a nice way to finish the last of semesteral classes. I wore my puppet circus skirt and was red + pastel blue the entire day~
Went to Victoria Market with Jiawei and Mariam since I promised to cook dinner tonight for them and needed to pick up some seafood (was going to cook paella). Had breakfast/lunch of crepes and they were delicious! Potato and bacon crepes~<3 bought seafood then walked around to look for Mariam's juggling shop but couldn't find it. We found a hat shop though, and I managed to get a straw boater! Yay! It's so summery and pretty....but the hat is brimmed with black ribbon, which is rather unfortunate but oh well~
Went back, cleaned the house a bit then napped. Jiawei called, she got locked out of her house and then started cooking and ZOMG so funny~~~ I did it the proper way, but my pan was too deep and I ended up with a risotto/paella crossover instead. It tasted absolutely fine though, and the prawns were super fresh and amazing! :D:D:D Geeked out during dinner listening to linguistics! and Hitler! then watched/napped Duke of Hazzards which is a boring film with good OST then Chaser's War On Everything which was HILARIOUS and so mean hahaha at one point, I felt really sorry for poor Johnnie Howard.
It was pretty fun though, I like staying in sometimes especially when it's fucking cold lately. I HATE COLD.
It's really sad, but I miss Jennifer. WHY JENNIFER?!?! why did you have to leave me?! T_______________T it's like part of my identity has been swallowed by my lack of jennifer-ness.
*grieving*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:50 a.m.+
5.30am + zomg!hours in complab = want to die tsu
i'm so cranky i'm quoting andy lau from para para sakura:
"ni tiao, wo ye tiao!" *insert crappy pose*
god it's daylight and i want a bath, some sleep and change into my puppet circus skirt. just to feel better.
this sucks, someone kill me plzthnxbai
+tsu waited for you at 05:32 a.m.+
I'm upset, but oddly enough I'm still cheering people up. WHY. I'm beginning to feel like those painfully unrequited love anime characters who are constantly cheering everyone on, but secretly wangsty. Although, there's nothing really secret about how wangsty I am. ANYWAY. I had a blue snow cone, a blue cupcake and wearing my blue sweater to make myself feel better. Even when I'm saying "blue" - you all know I mean teal right?
Shopping makes everything better, but instead of shopping for myself - I'm shopping for everyone's christmas present. So far I have found gifts for:
audy - COMPLETE!
aya - COMPLETE!
sak - COMPLETE!
kor - undecided
Natz - D: not yet
Neko - COMPLETE!
kurokaze - COMPLETE!
bwhahaha - D: not yet
Shibahime - COMPLETE!
Gurololi - COMPLETE!
Emmie - COMPLETE! (need to collect in sg)
Veilchenbau - COMPLETE! (need to collect in sg)
Kvlt kitty - undecided
I just don't know what to get for mom.... D:
Gahhh it seems like the older we get, the harder is it to buy gifts.
I'm pretty easy though - lolita, books and sleeping things. Sleeping is awesome! I never turn down bedsheets or pajamas hahaha~ I'll love more hats too, and a keyboard scarf like the one kame has.
Anyway my reason for shopping so early for christmas is because 1. all my $$$ is tied to my australian account 2. my paypal and crescent address are all australian too 3. it's easier to ship everything at once 4. when i reach home on dec4th, the LAST LAST thing i want to be stuck with is christmas shopping. 5. for all the overseas gifts, i need to give at least 2 weeks advance 'cause the bloody post will be bloody annoying I know.
anyway shopping is theraputic, yes?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:42 p.m.+
This was yesterday's entry. To add to the trouble, the university internet was down during 11pm yesterday night at the complab. GOD HATES ME. I KNOW.
---------------------------
You know you're really pissed off when you start quoting lines from movies
like Dirty Harry. Fuck, I haven't been so annoyed in such a long time.
MY LAPTOP WAS STOLEN
And irony of ironies, I fucking paid $150 for my laptop to be stolen.
I lost my keys a month before to a drain, so CS insisted I pay $150 to
change my locks. TODAY, the locks were changed AND my laptop was stolen.
Stolen. All my mp3s, drama, PHOTOSHOP, ESSAYS, HOMEWORK HOMEWORK HOMEWORK
(my deadline remember? 5th november?!) and everything else.
EVERYTHING.
and I fucking opened the door, paid for them to get in.
I swear I'm going to sue CS for unauthorized entry if they don't give me a
fucking refund.
So today I realized the multi-usages of the word "fuck" - an adjective, a
verb, a noun and puncuation all at the same time. Then I also learnt that
nothing beats chai lattes on cold days in a subterraran studio at the
basement of a dodgy old buildiing and that yea - guys will really pick up
you up anywhere. Oh. Apparently when I'm annoyed I sound happy and
excited (so using fuck as a puncuation apparently doesn't make people
realized I'm pissed. WTF)
And then I had the weirdest encounter on the tram with this guy, and
ending up debating the positives of freedom, society and public space;
along with 1960 british sitcoms
Yesterday was fucking cold and shitty, today is just as cold and even more
shitty and I hate the world right now kthxbai. I finished filming.
Yesterday was a sorry mess of existential angstfest and isolationist
policy and GOD life sucks now
You know what? Let's get drunk and fly to Argentina and dance with the
girls. Let's go on a roadtrip that lasts till the end of infinity until
the sky like heaven and earth like shit look like a plate subdivided.
Let's drive to the middle of America in a blue mustang and bad music and
wear discogear with furry diceballs.
dem bastards never die
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:37 p.m.+
for some reason, my spacebar seems constantly stuck as with other letters. I really don't get it hmmmm~
went filming today and lagged all the tripod and dv kit and bag up brunswick hill and down brunswick hill. ARGH. so many hills. waited for the shots, got annoyed when people walked into my frames and have a mountain of editing to do next week. next week is spacelab week, which is spacelabbing until i finish everything by 29th october. after which i will be film theorying and portfolioing. ARGH. I need many mini-mes, or extra hands to finish so much.
went out with jiawei for burnetti's, moaned about ZOMG!ANDREW then went to borders for magazines and was giddy/dizzy/twitchy but it seemed to have died down after drinking lots of water. interesting to note my hands don't shake at all even though i was shivering and totally out-of-it. dear god! i'm turning into an SCA sterotype. anyway, yeah. that reminds me, i need to send mr james a "hi!" email. and celine too.
monday....need to pick up my prescription, pick up parcels, return SCA equipment, go for psych tute, complete a bit more painting and do some grocery shopping. i -did- stop by safeway for some grapes, yohgurt, timtams and cake though which should tide me over saturday and sunday. yeah yeah yeah...lousy eating habits. i have spinach and feta bread with soup today and 2 cups of frozen yohgurt. Mmmm~ bulla mango is the best!:D :D :D i'm so addicted i can eat 5 a day<3 pity they don't have a large tub version
hmmmm will talk more tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:08 a.m.+
urgh my head totally hurts now
went barhopping with jiawei from flinder's all the way to lonsdale
in totally, i had about 8 drinks - all cocktails. had dinner at degreaves alleyway, then raspberry martini at lush centrale walked further up to robot bar and had this awesome pillow book which was a lovely vanilla/greenapple/lime mix then stumbled out and skipped club ret (i hate hiphop) and headed to st. jerome and baroqbar for more drinks....i can't remember what i had ummm i'm pretty sure it was a beer and maybe cherry brandy. anyway i only like sweet stuff. down section 8 at tattersall's for some ol' memories, then horse bazaar for terra firma (vanilla/lemon/apple/sugar). horse bazaar is totally where the arts house types hang out man....i've NEVER seen so many arthouse-unwashed types in one place. urgh. when they get drunk it's all baudelaire and queer theory and psychobabble BS. st jermone is crackpot/crotchrub heaven though lolz lolz lolz
oh yeah we found a sex toys shop along flinders/elizabeth - PORN IS FUNNY LOL LOL LOL and they like have a buy/sell thing going on seriously who wants to buy second hand porn? hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha so gross and unhygenic man
ummm what else....stupid signboards, designer t-shirts, italian food, drinks, hit on by random people, more drinks, crazy people, smoking weed people, guy who played recorder around brouke st. who was really good, walked through hardware lane as well and stuffy space-age bar called galaxy something.
i'm still amused i went drinking in loli
irony plzplzplzplzplzplz
this morning late for prof. writing and like kurtz was so sad that jiawei ditched him and he was sad and emoy and jiawei was like ZOMG DO I OWE HIM AN EXPLAINATION? hahahaha lolz. lunch at castro's, they make really good chai lattes and then crashed at my place where she napped and i stoned and yeah weird day. OH YEAH WE RAN INTO PAUL AGAIN? IS IT FATE OR WHAT? WHY THE HELL DO I/WE KEEP RUNNING INTO HIM?
and then we kept making st00pid jokes about that 'cause paul is like typically SCA-ian and she was like "maybe you're destined to date a hobo" and i was like wtf i would have to sell him to fund my loli habit and plz, i like andrew anyway. long discussion on andrew as a fake hobo and paul as a real hobo and maybe hmmm he cleans up well and jiawei offered to give him a good scrubbing and hosing down and i was like WTFWTFWTF
i'm pretty sure i just keep running into him 'cause he lives near lygon yeahhhh
plz im really not interested in an unwashed arty director who doesn't remember where he is. worse than audy and jiawei combined together and jiawei has the WORST SENSE OF DIRECTION EVER. worse than mom's. and audy is so airy sometimes. paul is like BLUR and AIRY and LOST. ew k. plus i have a feeling if you poke him at the right spot, he will emo-cry in a single tear.
---------------------
HOLY COWS ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!!! HE'S LIKE SUPERSMART OR SOMETHING AND NEXT WEEK IS OUR FINAL TUTORIAL AND I HAVE NO GUTS AND OMG I REALLY WANT TO TELL HIM I THINK HE'S CUTE (for like the last 4 months) AND OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG HOOOOOW? THIS IS SO WEIRD I AM ON CAPSLOCK!
ARGHHHHHH HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHWOWHOW?
Anyway I found out that he's a)from Melbourne High, which is like RI b)he's from an ALL-BOYS' SCHOOL which would explain his kindofnotreally gayness c)I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO(!)
like this is the last chance i would ever get but i always, ALWAYS fuck up when it comes to things like this. like, always. total fuckery okay. my relationships have never worked well at any rate ARGHARGHARGHARGH
god this is SO BAD OR MAYBE IT'S JUST THE ALCOHOL
ARGH.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:23 a.m.+
Fact: Coffee makes me an extremely good writer. On the other hand, it also makes me relentless edgy and jittery the entire day as though my entire nervous system is hypersensitized. It doesn't help my hallucinations or anxiety level at all - not to mention the lack of sleep I've been getting but apparently it makes me a more efficient. Kind of. Efficient. Stupidest thing in the world.
The doctors still don't know what's wrong with me. Schizotypal? Generalized Anxiety Disorder? Depressive? They still can't decide. They want me to try exposure theraphy (aka. see scary images and build increasing tolerance) to "de-sensitize" me but I just feel it's a bit pointless. I don't need to see scary images, the images I create are far far scarier than any horror film. Scary images are merely a trigger, not an effect. It's not like a phobia where you can just "expose" me to increasing elements. Stupid. Worse still, they don't seem to get the idea of distance---image. Anime is fine, real life is not. What so difficult to understand about that? Stylization is a form of distance. I can watch horror movies as long as it's in a distance.
It's the explicity that bothers me I think.
So right now is talk theraphy. Letting me talk for one hour is basically a bit random and pointless since I rarely talk about what I think and rarely do what I feel. Talking is perfunctory. Silence, gesture and meaning however, is eloquence.
That aside, I'm practically running on caffeine. I haven't actually slept for the entire day - a mere hour nap between finishing my travel article and film theory. I've kinda shoved all the psychological problems aside now and concentrated on getting work done, which is my first piority. I've actually had nothing but coffee the entire day/night - 6 cups in fact. After the 6th, I just lost count. Your body pays though, I've been getting nosebleeds and shakey hands. No painting this week then.
The weather's been getting better though - it's hard to concentrate when the sky seems so wide open and the grass soft and welcoming. Today, sprawling across South Lawn I thought up this:
On the lawn we lain
with coffee in our belly
and grass in our brain
watching nubile young bodies-
- sleeping spread sunburnt
rudely awakened by afternoon rain
And so on. I wish some people would get a fucking room though. Seriously. Sex in the park? With ants, bees and other questionable denziens? No thanks. Lazed there till 2pm when Jiawei had to go for philo lect and I needed to Get Some Work Done. Pointless. Anyway. Then went to Parkville for a checkup and got my sleeping pill prescription. Need to do something about the psychologist meet though, it's taking too much precious painting time.
Went back to uni to finish more work, and cleared up the Op-Ed and book review. Now all I need to get done is the PR writing and hopefully a re-draft of my PNA and Prof. Writing would be clear. I MUST! finish it by this week because the next week would be entirely devoted to painting painting and more painting. I'll finish the damned thing, even if I have to be in the studio everyday. I've already booked equipment for the filming, which I'll do this Sunday.
God. Real life is such a pain.
It's not so-so-so bad though. Nice things like Burnetti's frangipani tarts and mocha or nabeyaki in a restaurent along Grattan. Even a bath seems to be a gift from heaven, especially after a long, tiring day of too much running after trams and chasing deadlines.
I'm just really tired BUT hyper after being jacked with so much coffee. I'm running on coffee - liquid caffeine in my veins instead of blood.
Honestly though I just want to sit on my bed, wear pajamas and read trashy magazines. Maybe Anthony Bourdain or George Orwell. Oh yeah, next week is my last film tutorial. Should I tell Andrew I think he's cute? Y/Y? No? Suggestions?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:14 p.m.+
accidentally closed my entry. Will update tmr. Enjoy the colours please!<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:06 a.m.+
