+tsu waited for you at 09:23 p.m.+

SORAAAAAAAAA

Listening to: Dir en Grey - Drain Away

I love this song. Damnit, it's so fun and anti-stress.

Missed class today and I was so depressed. I missed my fave classes, English and Literature. *pouts* And they were doing on phobias too! Damn I wanted ti go for class.

I nearly quit last minute.

Then I realized how unfair I was being and all the responsibility and duty thing.

So I didn't.

It wasn't so bad, the sec ones this year are pretty nice. Best thing is, they like me! *twirls* Played Freeze and Melt, Gordon's Knot and all the trust building, teamwork games to foster cohesion and friendilnes. Tomorrow will be a killer though, have to come and prepare early and PLAN.

I really like Peer Support, it's a small thing really, but helping people settle in is so nice. Besides, it's a duty ne?

Bought candy for Sec One orientation, 2 bags of sliver peppermints and 300g of the sparky sweets. It's so pretty! And Rosemary was complaining cos I only took the blue and sliver sweets to match the tablecloth. After I was done, thee was NOT A SINGLE blue sweet left. *looks at basket* XDDDD

Went home, showered and plonked onto bed after reading some fiction. Maybe I'll lend Auddy David Edding's Losers. She'll like it. Daemon and all. ^^ Bought some stuff for the peer support leaders too, cos I know it's really hard work. I hope everything runs smoothly.

Finished Ink Keeper's Apprentice. Lovely book. It reads like a painting/calligraphy, clear, clean-cut, sharp with directness. Yet it seems soft, out of focus. The writer plays the mood very gently, slowly which is a good contrast to the direct language. Everytime I read it again I think of a calligraphic scroll. Simple, clean with little relief, yet it conveys a certain dreaminess and gentleness.

I likeeeee

I remember Mrs Alex talking about a murder story, the one about the old lady. It's called the Hitchhiker. I don't know why, but I keep one seeing these -things-. I can see a slender young 20something lady, brown haired wearing a simple jersey dress and she looks flustered and late. I can see a train station, glowing an errie green at night, tiles on the floor, grime caked on walls, the stale air. The carpark is next to it, empty except fot a few cars. Near the junction there is a streetlamp, an old lady is there.

She has sliver hair, a tiny tiny woman. Piercing blue eyes hidden by tortise shell glasses, thin lips and gently lined skin. She's wearing a rose printed dress with a pink cardigan. Her handbag is old, but made of good leather and sable coloured. It's roomy and slightly worn at the edges and then she reaches in and pulls out a butcher's knife.

And -WINKS- at me.

I thought it was a one off thing y'know. Maybe the story was particulary good or something. Then I realized it wasn't. It's just that I tend to hallucinate. A LOT. I'm not really staring into space when I'm in class, I'm actually looking at a movie of sorts. I can see it, the lanes, the streets, the roads, the cities. Some I've never invented but they came to me like some dream.

I know they aren't real, but I can't help but feel frightened. That creepy old woman is just the latest additions to my crazy world. There's Crimson Mask, the owner of the theatre who tells of "truth and destruction" -quote. There's that dear dear girl from the mirror maze, who's looking for love but finds a "plasticque" of it. There's the puppet/girl with black sitches sewn in her neck who sells revolutionary soap made of student's blood. There's the ice cream man and the clown. HUNDREDS! THOUSANDS!

I couldn't have invented these horrifying creatures could I?

I'm just kinda scared of what I can do.

Put your mind to the music

And the scariest thing is sometimes when I'm tired, I start seeing them. Not in my stories anymore, but HERE. At home. They don't walk. They -glide-. And then they slowly turn to look at me and I just want to scream.........I can sometimes feel them y'know. Touching. Caressing. When I'm tired anything can happen. Then I actually talk to them. Sometimes. Usually I'm too scared and I just close my eyes and think MATH. It works. Usually. Then sometimes I can't wake up and I'm stuck in my head but I can't move my hand and I can see myself sleeping and it's just so scary and scary and then I see -them-.

These blind sightness blue shimmering babylooking things.

They look like holograms.

I want to scream but I can't.

Cos I'm sleeping.

I wonder sometimes is imagination a good thing or not. It's terrifying. It's beautiful. It's terrible yet so wonderful. Like a storm. You can't tell.

It's like a cursed gift.

I just wish I saw more bright things than dark ones.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:39 p.m.+

Kiko

Listening to: Dir en Grey- Drain Away

I'm happy~!! Finished my homework (It's becoming a common occurance) and concluded that STRESS is CONTAGIOUS. I mean it. Peer pressure to do well. Even me, a bona fide slacker is actually DOING WORK.

Did my essay and handed it in, nearly didn't finish cos I had so many false starts. I couldn't get the introduction to work, cos I was trying out first/second person together. Halfway through I switched to first, and I -TRIED- to make the transition as smooth as possible. Dunno if it worked. I -hope- it did.....

I think I'm spending too much time in school ne.

Where's my life?

But I'm happy studying and being busy. Yea, I complain about the abnormal stress levels but I like it. I like being pushed to my limits. And I finally figured out how Yoshiki does it with 4 hours of sleep. You just don't. Don't go near a soft surface, a bed or anything comfy. Love your work. Live your work. I mean, sometimes even I can do it. If I like it enough I can go on for DAYS.

Thus is Yoshiki's sleeping secret.

Personally I think it's unhealthy.

Okay, haveta go.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:51 p.m.+

Audience Killer Loop

I feel so tired. Okay, timetable!

Arts Alive
Lots of stuff going on, and I'm getting Sec 1 Orientation jitters. After preparing like nuts too. *nervous* After all the work, my only hope is that everything runs smoothly.

We're planning and arts fest so I'm thinking of calling down writers and stuff. It'll be nice to have an indies band too. Yatta~! *calls all contacts* X Okhrana are pretty willing.

Class stuff
I'm joining the school play, and hopefully, I get to play as Marco and go a good job. *prepares* I like performing anyhow! Actually, any chara is good. Just that Eddie's and Alfeari's lines are just SO LONG. I'll be happy with anything~!

Wednesdays
I have a love/hate relationship with Wednesdays. On one hand, I have all my humanities on a day. YAY!! On the other, it's the longest day for me. I have school, then Science Praticals, then Arts Alive meetings, then Math tuition.

Then during pratical today, I accidentally spilled som dilute acid on my hands because I was in a hurry for AA meeting. I forgot to wash it. *dies* SO ITCHY.

By the time I got home, it was 5.30pm and then I had dinner and Math tuition. Finished all my assignments and now I'm thinking of trying to relax. *breathes in* How does Yoshiki manage to stay alive with 4 HOURS OF SLEEP????????

Timetable
This is for people who constantly look for me, so you know where I am at okay?

Monday - Science tuition, Chinese B Home at: 8pm
Tuesday - Chinese tuition Home at: 4pm
Wednesday- Science Pratical, Arts Alive, Math tuition Home at: 6pm
Thursday - Chinese B, Chinese tuition Home at: 6pm
Friday- Arts Alive Home at: 5pm
Saturday - Out with Dad and CCA Home at: 9.30pm
Sunday - Math tuition Home at: 3pm

*All times can be changed without notice.

Life In General
Had a brilliant idea for essay, "God's in Heaven. All rights with the world." I mean, religion. It's such a wonderful thing to write about. Mrs Alex is a GREAT teacher. Really great. Yay~ I'm looking forward to writing the descriptive essay~

Less time for everything, since my hands are so tied that I can't seem to think straight. On the other hand, I'm pretty happy to be busy except that I'm tired. Happy and tired. LOL.

Haven't drawn anything, I'm sooooooooo sorry. It's not that I don't want to. I have no time! Honest! *prays for deliverence* And I haven't even added peer support in as well.

okay, getting tired.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:31 p.m.+

Buzzzzzzzzzz

Listening to : Drain Away - Dir en Grey

I'm beginning to think there's a good reason why this world needs Jrock. It's anti-stress. It's soooo gimmicky. It's UTTERLY GAI. Yep, Jrock, how to make the world so trival.

Started Monday pretty good with cookies on my table. (Thanks Judith! Your cooking is FANTASTIC* Went through the timetable and amazingly, I -FINISHED- my A Math homework. *beams proudly* A day before too! Left for science tuition at 3.30pm and got horrendeously lost.

As in LOST

I had no idea where I went. And ended up being late! for tuition. Which means I spent an hour getting lost....I took 851 to Ang Mo Kio, took 166 to Thomson and finally, 167 to Sembawang Hills. *dies* No fun to get lost. Did Chemistry and I'm happy! *fills her itsy bitsy equations* Physics is boring. BLEH. It is! Whatever they learnt in class, I've learnt before. Okay, it gives me advantage but I'm borreeeeeeeeed!!!!!!!!!

Came home at 8pm and picked some stuff up. I'm pretty tired actually, I just want to read and have peace and quiet and draw in peace. I want to read my storybooks and curl up against a soft armchair. I want to channel surf and watch aimless soap opreas.

Or maybe I just need to douse myself with good ol' enthusiaum.

Right, ATASHI WA AKIRAMENAI!!! *salutes Yoshiki poster* I will never give up~

*twirls*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:29 p.m.+

Weary

Tired.....Just came home from a Thai dinner at Pattaya with my uncle, complete with a sore throat >.< I don't like spice.

Was quite pissed but didn't show much of it. I don't understand! Why don't they trust me? Why do they think that the first thing I'll do overseas is have sex and party and not study?

Do they think I'm so STUPID????!?!

*sighs in frustration* It doesn't matter how well I do in school, whether I'm Peer Support Leader, Class Comn or CCA Leader because they'll NEVER trust me!!! I do my work, I study, I carry out my responsibilities whether I like it or not and my OWN FAMILY can't even trust me to WALK HOME on MY OWN. Much less take care of myself overseas.

What do they tell me? "Don't drink and drive." "Don't fool about." "Don't this" "Don't that". I'M NOT NAVIE OR STUPID! *gets irritated* They repeat themselves OVER and OVER again like a broken record. And then they say they CARE. If you love me, you should know better than to keep me in Singapore.

I HATE Singapore. Comprendo?

No one trusts I can do it. No one believes.

And it hurts because they're supposed to be supporting me.

Then they wonder why I hate staying at home and I come back from school at 6pm. OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO BE AT HOME. You nag at me, repack and rearrrange my personal things, read my mail, listen to my conversations and generally make my life chaos.

BOUNDERIES. Comprehendo?

I mean, I care about you. It's just that I don't like the way you're smothering/mothering/stifling/oppressing me. I like -my- space. Freedom. Trust. SO STOP TREATING ME LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD.

Just because -YOU- think -YOU- know best, doesn't nescessarily mean that it is best for -ME-.

Now can you understand why I like school? Because at least in school, people LISTEN to what I say. Whereas you are too busy hearing the sound of your own voice.

I'm tired. And sick from hay fever. SO STOP.

Good.

Do we have an understanding?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:45 p.m.+

First days

Listening to: X Japan - Love Replica

First day was really fun~ Met up with Audy, Sharony and Meliessa and it was fantastic cos I haven't seen them for so long~~~ Form teacher was Ms Chow, it ain't really bad but I was praying like crazy for Mrs Alex (yay! you rock!. My Lit teacher is Mrs Magdalene Low. She's those wacky teachers that gives the students much to talk about.

She shouts. Emphasises the wrong words. Gave us the most DIScouraging talk I've ever had in my life. Talks faster than a Shinshuken. And made *me* so scared I wanted to drop Literature.

I was so bloody freaked out!

On the other hand, Mrs Alex is my English teacher and the lesson (if it could be called one) was so fun! Was about the root words. Example: Biblo-phile."Phile" stands for "Lover of". "Biblo" means books, so a biblophile is a lover of books! Interesting desu ne, esp nercophile and pedophile XD XD XD

Talked to her during recess, and she agreed to help me with my English (B3 to A1). She also wants me to try for UWC scholarship in August....I mean, it'll be great if I can make it, but the requirements are HIGH. Make that extremely extremely high. And....despite everything, I'll miss everyone. Auddy, Sharon, Rose, Sak and my sis.....If I do get in, O levels isn't important anymore. I don't need it. *shrugs* The selection is during August/October, and I don't know.

I'll prolly not make it anyhow.

Went to hang up banners and was fairly amusing. Wait- Really amusing. We hung our pretty banner with Ms Teo's blessings and it looked great. Since we students weren't allowed to do anything dangerous, quote Rose: Better Mr Tan fall and die then you fall and die, Mr Tan hung it up.

He has a very hairy belly.

I am scarred forever by the sight.

Then we went to ask Ms Teo for permission to hang our purple banner on the white wall. Now, the white wall only had a nail so Mr Chan, my Phsyics teacher, suggested that we hammered another *small* nail. Conversation is as follows.

-----Conversation---

Tsu: Ms Teo, can we hammer a nail in the wall?
Ms Teo: WHAT?
Tsu: Mr Chan suggested it and it's only a very *small* nail.
(Just in time, Mr Chan walks in)
Ms Teo: Chan! Mr Chan!! How could you suggest it to the students??
Mr Chan: Aiyah~ (does the hand move thing) it's only a *small* nail.
(All three of us, puppy eyes)
Tsu: Plea~se?
Ms Teo: No.
Tsu: It's a very *small* nail
Ms Teo: No.
Tsu: We could take it later and paint the wall back.
Ms Teo: No.
Tsu: Then can we hang it from the Tree to the PA system?
Ms Teo: WHAT????
Tsu: I mean, we the sterch the banner across.....
Ms Teo: No. And no one gets the white wall.
(tsu looks sad)
Ms Teo: Alright, you can take the green house banners off and use their space.
Tsu: The wall?
Ms Teo: You're like my grandmother! And she's so old she's six feet under!
Tsu: Plea~se?
Rose: No.
(stares in shock at the betrayal)
Ms Teo: Good! At least your President understands!

-----------End----------

So we took down all the banners and we're putting up our pretty purple one on Monday. Yatta! :)

Am I really that persistent?

Did Arts Alive stuff till 12am and then I hopped off for food and finally slept at 4am.

BAD IDEA.

I woke up with vertigo and banged into God Knows How Many Things, during History lesson, I was so flaky and I couldn't string a proper logical though. I mean, I had the idea, but I couldn't string it coherently. >.< Need sleep.

Slept the afternoon away, I think I was sick come to think of it. Woke up in time for -dinner-....LOL.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:15 p.m.+

Meow *wave*

Listening to: Dir en Grey, lots of it. Oh, X Japan too~!

I'm still trying to figure how to make a yaoi threesome work. >.< Warning: Do Not Talk to Audy At Night. She gives you funny ideas like PWPs with Kaoru/Kyo/Toshiya. I was just planning on a Kaoru/Toshiya but not a threesome! *wails* You know how -hard- is it to write one?

Met Protox, AK and Eiri~. Eiri was really really nice and she gave me her Yoshiki magazines!!!!!!!!!! *bounces around happily* YOSHIKI~~~ And she was willing to give me contacts and stuff cos I want to watch concerts next year ^-^ I love you eiri~ *glompuuuu*

Ak looked fine, except she looked kinda stressed and busy. I think she's overworked or at least, feels overworked. Just by looking at her, you can tell she's a highly organized and motivated person who's willing to do anything for her goals. *can feel it radiating in waves* Met Protox for the first time and he's really tall. LOL. I mistook him as Engush. Purely accidental! He seemed like a nice person (wait, they're ALL nice) and quite friendly.

Okay, I like them ^^

After that, I walked round Kinokuniya and headed to the Science Fiction section (A1-13#). I was actually looking for something for Auddy but it hasn't arrived yet so she'll have to wait a bit for it. ^^;; I was debating to buy Farenheit 451, Flowers for Algernon, Blood Maze, Babel-17 or Copics.

In the end I picked Farenheit 451 and Flowers for Algernon and I read Blood Maze right there cos it's a pretty short book about lymph nodes. Or intelligent thinking plagues.

Farenheit 451 is good. Finished it first. It's about a world without books, an empty world with souless people who have no time to think, no time to digest anything because they're constantly smothered with stimulas. Anyways, they have anti-Book groups called Firemen who burn books because they are considered illegal. I liked it. Books about books about dystopian futures with a hint of 1984 and Brave New World with as many quotes as Sandman. Pretty original idea too.

I'm watching sunset right now. It's so pretty y'know? Turns the sky a shimmery gold colour with mauves and violets and blushing pinks and sparkling windows like golden champange and clear cool azure with a green breeze.

It's so pretty.

The sky looks like a multi facaeted marble with swirls of colour.

I like sunsets. And In-Betweens.

Noticed that most people have this comment on friends and stuff. Okay, I'll try it too. (UWA People have their own section)

Alex
Sweetheart, you're too passive at times and you dig your emotions deep. If you're mad, say it and stuff will blow over. If not you'll be holding the grudge too long ^^ You're wonderfully understanding though, and you -can- make it. I know it.

Audy
AUDY!!!!!!!!! *squeals* I love ya lots cos you understand when the quiet and you understand the noise and you know what I'm talking about cos you KNOW. XD You're my soulmate and weird ass pal ^________^ I think you need to work on your self-esteem though, cos you're really great and you DESERVE the greatness.

Christine
You shouldn't let others get to you, you're nice, sweet and really kind underneath all the messiness. I hope you have a happy year cos everyone deserves it. Don't over-react too much and count to ten before doing anything~!

Cosplayers
Two small simple words: GROW UP.

Erieko
You're wonderfully genki and special because you're unique so stop worrying what others think and do what YOU think. Heyo, you live life for yourself not for the gratification of others. Make yourself happy first before making everyone else. I love the way you can keep on being cheerful despite everything. Ray of sunshine! Good luck to the year~

Gaurdian Angel - niichan
I haven't met you before (physically) but I thank you for your guidiance through the hard times, all the comfort taht you've given me. You taught me to make decisions by myself by listening inside and never forced me to do anything. You're truly my guardian angel~

leXis
You problably won't read this. Oh, heck. Thanks for being a friend, but I think.......Sometimes, you just have to make sure your actions and your words say the same thing. Open up a bit more, stop being an Intelluctual Snob (tm) and you'll learn that humanity isn't so bad after all ^^

Mizumi
You're kind, sweet. A wonderful girl. Don't let people get you down, cos you're really really nice. I've never met a nicer person in my life ^^ I wish I could help you and I still do. If you want anything, just ask okay? I love you lots *huggles* Thanks for hosting me too~

Natz
I hope that you'll be more open and you don't have to be ashamed to say you're unhappy. We're FRIENDS. I wanna help ya, sometimes I can't I know. But maybe ne? I love your blunt speech, your simplicity and charm. You're cool and you can mentor juniors into looking up to you. You're a role model even if you think you aren't. See Natz? We all love ya. *huggle*

Natsuki
NIICHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for understanding my obession with Yoshiki and not saying much ^^ I am eternally grateful for helping me solve my problems without judging me despite the fact that I'm pretty nasty inside. You didn't judge me at all, instead, you held my hand and said that I still have a chance. You stopped me from stupid stuff (suicide..etc) and you still do. Thank you for your support. Hope to seeya next year!

Rosemary
PREZ!!!!! You're mature and you don't really need this. LOL. I think you'll be great as a leader (though I suffer) and I appreciate your dry humour and streetsmart. You shouldn't let your old failures haunt you cos you will be great, but only if you let go. Take the risk and gambatte!

Sis
You know what I know and I know you know. *grins* You know I'm gonna say I back you in everything as long as it ain't stupid and that I love you. So don't worry okay? You're -my- hope and I'm gonna make sure Dad never lays a hand on you. *huggle but no kiss*

Sak
You remind me of me. Just don't be as stupid as me okay? You're bright, wonderful and special. Don't let your family run you down. If you break down, they win and if they win, it ain't fun ne? Just grin and bear it, and kick'em later. I know that appearances are hard, so try to let the real you (which is somewhere I know) out sometimes before you do a mental breakdance. I love ya, I wish I could adopt you as a sis (my sis would die with 2 pervs in a house though) and I hope one day you'll trust me too.

Tora
I hope that people don't use you, because you're the type of person that can be used. *grins* You've grown a bit smarter this year (I hope) and please continue to do so. Don't let distractions like Cosplay take over your life because you deserve better, and besides, you might regret it. Learn from Rose okay? She has sense. Good sense.

Tessie
You don't need help, LOL. Might wanna tone the ego abit though ^-^ Happy New Year~! Best of luck~

UWA

Anarch_Kitty:
You're a wonderful voice of reason and sensibilty, I'm just one of the few lives you've touched. Thank you.

Eat:
Study damnit, you can do it. I can't bug ya right there but YOU CAN. You aren't as silly as you say you are, and despite everything, I still have faith in you.

Eirivan~:
I like you! You look kinda scary outside but you're warm and really friendly. Even though you hardly knew me, you were kind enough to bring the Yoshiki magazines. That says alot ne? Gambatte for the New Year! All the best for you~

Ikuko
I haven't met you yet, but you sound nice. I admire your determination to stand up against all odds to get to UWA. At times, you remind me of AK *grins* Thanks for being a friend.

Leareth
Thank you for being there when I needed hope. You might not have known it, but you taught me that I just needed confidence to move on.

Saelle
I think you've changed quite a bit, but in a good way. You've retain your genkiness which I'm glad since the best things about you is the cheerfulness and youthfulness you carry, not cynicism. Ganbatte!!~ And Happy New Year!

Starfox:
You remind me of those gentlemen in those olden days. Polite, well-brought up and sincere. I think you're rather inexpressive so maybe you want to show your emotions more? It doesn't make you any less a man if you watch Pitaten (which, by the way, is TOTALLY COOL) I think you feel uncomfortable around others sometimes but it's okay cos you're great (but you know that) Sometimes I wish that there were more people like you around! So, happy new year~

Seele
TAAAAAAAA-KUUUUUUUUN. XD XD Wai!~ I know you're going to be great in whatever you do. So don't have any self-doubts okay? You have lots of talents and you should be happy. Thanks for caring and being a friend *glompuuu* Because you make a GREAT friend to have. ^-^ Yay! Happy new year~

Protox:
Happy New Year~ Glad to have met you in Singapore. Oh, nice hair! *LOL*

love,
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:51 p.m.+

Thought

Listening to: Jewel-Stand, Third Eye - Semi-Charmed Life

Isn't it amazing how impressions and truth are so different from each other?

It's like what they call us. Teenagers. Teenagers, it's supposed to be a symbol of youth, wrecking havoc, parties, high life and the Greatest Time of Your Life.

Some f*cked up life it is.

Everyone acts this way of course, it's an expectation that girls start flirting, guys wanna get into your pants, your parents become a nuisance...etc. It's supposed to be FUN

Then I learn a bit more.

And then the world starts spinning at me.

It's not fun, it's saddening.

And I'm a walking TESTIMONY of it.

keep your secrets behind a smile

What are we turning to???????????????

It's not right for a 13 year old to think of her mother as a golddigger. It's not right for anyone, much less a child to know her father is violent. It's not right that anyone, much less a teenager suffer from an inferiorty complex due to the expectations of her father. It's not right that we have mothers who don't love, fathers that don't care, brothers who backstab and sisters who are out for kill.

And we're -young-.

We're on the brink of adulthood, yet I feel like dying most of the time because I feel too old already. And I'm 15. I barely survive, scraping on the last dregs of hope. If my life is bad, it's equally terrible for everyone else.

Say this world is not so shallow
When you can't beg steal or borrow
Save your breath your soul is hollow
And it's all too much to swallow

My life -seems- to suck. But, look around you.....Aren't we all the same? dark honeycomb world I don't want to name names, but you know. Yourself.

I've met people who have no soul, (auddy you don't count) and they really don't. They're blanker than manniquiens and when you look at them, you wonder what happened. Then you know, it's because they went through the same thing that you did.

Except they never survived the cruel test.

O! Brave New World!

Then you look at those who have their souls with them, shredded, not much left. Clinging. It isn't obvious, they smile with you, they laugh with you but.....it's never really right. See the scars I carry on my wrist? I slit myself years ago. See my medicine cabinet? I have cyanide.

Do you know why I always say I love you?

Live like there's no tomorrow

Because if I ever do it, at least I told you how much I loved you.

These dark dark thoughts
Where did they come from?

Even those, who have no problems. WANT problems. It's really really ironic when you think about it. Those who have none, want them, because it's apparently "cool" to angst. Yep, to be interesting nowadays, you have to have a sordid PAST.

And thus we have two sides of the coin.

Who sees with an equal eye, as God of all,
A hero perish, or a sparrow fall

But you know something funny?

Watashi wa akiramenai- Yoshiki

I don't either. I will never ever ever give up.

zutto

So I'll keep on thinking that the world is perfect and people are nice and that people love each other.

One day, I bet it'll come true.

love,
tsu

I want something else to get me through this,
Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby
I want something else,
I'm not listening when you say,
Good-bye,
I believe in the sand beneath my toes,
The beach gives a feeling,
An earthy feeling,
I believe in the faith that grows,
And the four right chords can make me cry,
When I'm with you I feel like I could die.
And that would be all right, All right.


-SemiCharmed Life, Third Eye Blind

+tsu waited for you at 05:36 p.m.+

Remedy

Don't know what to say really, just really rambly cos I haven't been very calm. Disquieted still.

I feel like running. Running as far away as possible. It's kinda strange really, I'm usually not scared of anything but yeah...........disquieted.

My uncle thinks I shouldn't go to UCLA too because I'm "wild" and "havoc". Am I really? No, I don't think so. No one seems to understand that I seem "wild" because of all the stuff I want to do, I want to dream. There's so little I own that dreams to me are the most important. Yoshiki, Yoshiki, Yoshiki.......*sighs* Isn't it amazing? It's the only reason why I think and live and everything. I still find it highly amusing that a wary person like me can entrust my life into the hands of someone else who doesn't know I exist.

Teen melodrama irritates me, especially the ones on TV. For one thing, it's played by 30somethings and 20somethings, hellooooooooooooo....Isn't this a TEEN drama? Next are the bloody themes that annoy me till the end of time. If life was actually like this, I would laugh my pretty @ss off.

Enough of cynical comments from me. Let's get on with the story!

----------Random A CHRISTMAS STORY----------

I am a woman, choosen apparently by the highest. The shining one - no, angel said it was a blessing for all on Earth. To an unmarried Jewish woman, this feels more like a curse.

I cannot help but feel anger towards the child I carry in my womb, whose seed I have never seen, except for an agonizingly brief moment when the spirit entered my soul and tore my body. Not a choice I had, in this. What I have done to deserve this? I, a lowly simple woman born of a simple Jewish race, to carry the babe. I have never done anything to deserve such honour. I carried my water from the well, I ate the baked bread on my table, I prayed when I was to pray, and listened when I was to listen.

Joseph. Oh Joseph! He has been kind to me, and has not sent me to the death of stones. I wonder sometimes, if he would look at me the same way again. He glances at my swelling belly, and refuses to touch me unnessescarily. He took me as a wife, like a maytr would have taken his cross. I pity him, and yet, I am thankful for his presence.

The villagers have talked of course. Gossip by the well, is no longer for my ears. Silence greets me when I step in. A hush falls over and the women leave, the swishing of their skirts leaving dusty trails on sand. Isolation. Loneliness. Honour gives little comfort.

Does no one understand my pain?

What have I done to deserve such cruelty?

Ceasar has decreed that a census. Joseph from Jerusalam and I am weak with labour. My round belly, ripe, almost ready for birth. I pray we reach there before the babe's birth, but it is a long journey. The days are hot as we cross for Jeruselam, Joseph is uncomplaining, guiding the donkey which I am riding on. His lack of temper annoys me, I feel irritable and uncomfortable on the back of the beast, like a basket of apples ungracefully perched atop.

The contractions have started. We are within sight of the city now.

I pray I last.

The city is packed. We wander, street to streey, lane to lane, road to road for lodgings. Every inn is full, every door is closed, or slammed at the face. We walk wearily now, our feet dragging on the ground.

I am bitter.

If this is the child of the Almighty, why doesn't He provide a bed for me to birth him?

At last a scowling innkeeper gives us room at the stables, overchanging us by two dinarii. This irks me, but a musty dusty stable is preferrable to the dingy streets any day.

Joseph is still there, sitting between my spread legs as the birth begins. He is unflinching, while I scream in pain and pushing and pushing until my breath is gone my all I can feel is the pain and the blood and the fluids gushing between my legs into the musty hay. I cannot think, I cannot breathe, eyes hazing over with pain as Joseph calls me to push and push and push..........

Until I am finally done.

A smile lights on my face, as he hands me the babe. The muck and the dirt and the metallic tang of the air, it does not bother me. I can see his face, his hands, and his eyes! All anger is forgotten, can you hold an innocent to blame? He eyes! His sweet sweet baby smile! His body, covered with birthing fluids and blood, my blood, is perfect. Just perfect.

We lay him, sweet and sleeping, in a deary manger. But it does not matter. Not anymore.

Days passed, Joseph has a dream. We are to head for Eygpt, for King Harrod has evil designs. We pack quickly, for Joseph is anxious for a quick departure. Already rumours about the children killings have reached my ears, and we are to hurry.

I wonder, what would Eygpt hold for us. Hot dusty deserts and dunes. Cool, bitter nights. A land of strange Gods and strange people. Tales I have heard, date fruit trees, catlike gods and beautiful mysterious exotic princesses.

But no matter.

I have a babe in my arms, he is of my pain and blood and suffering. I will stand by him, not because he is Almighty's son, but because he is my son. When he weeps blood for bloodier prophecies, the blood of my heart will weep with him.

So I hold him close, as he sleeps at my breast.

My son.

Jesus.

------------------END CHRISTMAS STORY-------------

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tsu

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