I love T-Rex, it's such a cool song. Hand gestures and retro beats and smirky faces with hip thrusts and slicked hair singing "you're dirtysweet and you're my girl" and a banjo. It's just cool. Polkadot cool.
It feels like carpet dancing in the middle of the room and yesterday was all about waking up late to handphones ringing and free dessert from the Greek joint down Lygon when the guy loved my pop-polkadot inspired 60s coordinate of pink and red and swirling around. Then Burnetti's again for spiced chai lattes and reading Orwell's Down and Out in Paris, which is hilarious and cool and sad and funny at the same time - I keep reading large tracts of it aloud just for kicks. Aya would love it, I'm sure.
Went home then flew into Major Panic Mode when I realized I dropped my phone and made mom call to find it. Practically RAN back to Brunetti's; to the point I couldn't be bothered with underwear and stfu. Threw on the coat, grabbed my keys and ran out of the door. Thankfully I got it back with all my contacts intact :D:D:D LOUD OBNOXIOUS RINGTONES FTW!
I don't know what to say anymore - it all hurts in my brain like some special overload that stops me from thinking too much, too forever. I just want to spend my entire life as a teenager who hangs around on facebook and superpoke and makes silly careless mistakes like leaving your handphone in cafes. I don't want to grow up at all - just stay, floating and happy and carefree and kinda stupid. The more I think about my major, the more horrified I get because I know I'll hate it. I hate PR, I detest spindoctors and really really am totally uncool kthxbai
but I like being uncool, is that wrong?
So when I lie down in bed all day and read trashy books until the words fade and blur and sink into blissful napping with (cooler) people outside on sundays and I'm just sitting around, pottering happily and talking to my mint plant and notchanged even at 7pm in the evening wearing pajamas that smell like soap and everything. Happy, that's how it feels.
I want to listen to banjos forever
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:38 p.m.+
Oh god.
I just finished Harukana Yakusoku and there's so much angst angst ANGST! in it it's like dying in a sopping bucket full of tissue paper and tears. It's those kind of things where you cry when the guy doesn't get the girl, and then cry when the girl appears, then cry again when she tells him she's dying of terminal illness. Actually you cry so much that your nose is all red and blocked and your like puffy and panda-like.
It's one of those Akamepi fics where you just want to BRAWL your eyes out because it's soooooooo good even when it hurts so much. And then you think about the word "hurt" and start crying all over again with tears dripping off your face until you look all red and ugly from crying too much.
Oh god, I feel like I just killed an entire forest with all my tissue paper.
Anyway: Harukana Yakusoku
I still feel like my heart is in my mouth and my head hurts in a giddy girly way.
Actually the odd thing is, my head and heart DOES hurt, but mostly because of the travel article I wrote. It wasn't spin for the first time - no soundbites or comebacks or PRish with long sentances and ellispes and words that flowed in my head and spoke like a tender lover. I think I write like I'm in love all the time, and maybe that's true. I write because the feeling that moves is so deep and intense that nothing but dashes and half-suttered images can capture what feels like sunlight so well. Redolent. Rich. Helplessly madly deeply.
I don't know how my tutor will react to that - I honestly feel that I suck at PR. To sound like a "professional" would be like constipation, words like bricks instead of blossoms, dull and heartless and heavy. Gah. I was never made for PR. I detest it. ARGH. WHY WHY WHY.
I still feel lightheaded though. I feel like my brain is floating from my skin, and I'm trying so hard to contain how much I can feel just by sitting here. It feels like a million butterflies in my stomach.
OH YEAH. ANDREW SMILED AT ME YESTERDAY. KYAAAAAAA~~~<3<3<3 I'm sooooo fangirly it's unreal. Anyway it was during film theory, and he was standing behind me 'cause I was accidentally blocking the way and then I realize he's actually taller than me and zomgggg he's got such pretty eyes and cute smile.....*dreamily* SO CUTE.
btw, happy birthday akira!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:26 p.m.+
Argh my entire body hurts
I think I'm coming down with that bloody virus
GAH
It's been raining again, and I can almost gaurentee that tomorrow will be foggy and victorian and whateverish in which I will want to sleep through and wake up only next next day. The only good part of the day? ANDREW SMILED AT ME DURING FILM<3 okay he's got such a cute smile. and then he was standing behind me 'cause i was accidentally blocking the way and he was soooooooo cute and i nearly bumped into him. FOR REAL. and i wore my painting shirt 'cause i woke up late D: no one seemed to mind though - my tutor thought it was cute. Presented for the postmodernist shit, then got back my film essay which was a H3! I'M STILL GLAD I PASSED because I believe it was crap. I need to do better though, for the research essay zomg hooooowwwww?
Tomorrow I have a psych appointment after ProfWriting which is terrible. I still have no idea WTF to write for it - I feel drained, dry and practically wrinkled from the lack of juice. SOMEHOW. I must finish it. It's due on 5th Nov, which is the same day as Film Theory. ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH. Not cool. I think I'll have to do a couple of overnighters at this rate and just bloodyfucking finish it.
Yesterday was bad. David Lynch ARGH I HATE YOU. You give me nightmares. And make me feel unsafe. And all. *sighs* I should've never taken up film theory. On the other hand, I met another cool person yesterday during film - this guy called Lawerance and btw, Andrew was wearing this redxwhite striped shirt AND I AM SO SURE I HAVE THE EXACT SAME SHIRT. I still can't help but wonder if he's gay or not. Yeah. Plz matching messenger bags kthxbai (and! that blonde surfer dude he's always with)
I actually don't know why I feel so crappy lately, but I think it's basically stress + exhaustion. STRESS. I FEEL STRESSED. IN THAT SLOW AGONIZINGLY WAY OF STRESSFUL KENA DIE WAY. I NEED CAPS.
i haven't even filmed yet. fuck :/
didn't cook today, no mood. btw Intersection Cafe only has 1/2 price on Thursday for pickup, not takeaway. And it's only valid for pizza and pasta D: NO SOUVLAKI WHY? (the souvlaki at the 1 Lygon tastes better tho)
Oh yeah I ran into Emma today, who somehow manages to know everyone and yeah. i don't know. this isn't my kinda life. not really anyhow. i'm not a theatre person much. yeah. ARGH. I HAVE PRE-ADULT LIFE CRISIS HELP.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:32 p.m.+
I'm not really sure why my "i" key seems constantly stuck, but if there's any spelling mistakes involved, now you know why.
It's 5.30 now, and I'm sitting at home eating bulla frozen yohgurt and skipping psychology because my mind feels like little pieces - glass marbles scattering everywhere and rolling and rolling and all I can do is collect as many as I can, and hopefully all will make sense later. For a cheap dollar yohgurt, it's pretty good - the colour of my hairclips, all pink and pretty and halfeaten with bits of icecrystals slowly melting as the sun sets and my room blazes into light, glorious and brilliant. It's for these 10mins of incandescent beauty that makes the hideous rent and even more hideous decor seem totally worth it, all gilded and gorgeous in gold.
Was down at Lonsdale street today, and spent $150bucks on art materials. Yes you read it right, art materials (not lolita). And it wasn't like I was buying artist level/professional level items either. The brushes I bought werent't the cheapest, but cheap ones tend to break and bristle - so I bought some relatively decent ones wth of synthetic hog. And it was like FIVE BUCKS A BRUSH. For a starter painting kit - you need a size 10, a couple of size 8s and 6s and about 3 small ones; a nice size 2 and size 4. In my case, I added a fan brush (about size 8) into the mix, since I was blending colours. You also need a round tip platte knife and a flat mixing one too. In additon - paint. Arcylics tend to be cheaper than oils, but it's still expensive at $6 a tube of 75ml. A good beginning range would be cadmium red/yellow, sienna brown OR burnt sienna, mars black, titanium OR zinc white, prussian blue and maybe an ochre if you're planning to do a lot of warm mixing. The problem is that the pop colours I was going for you need a lot of extra colours to achieve that cyanized yellow effect - I added magenta, phalto blue, flesh pink and lemon yellow. I was really torn about the flesh pink though, since I know how to mix it. The problem is that to mix a pure flesh pink I would need to buy even MORE colours - particularly aspen's green (aka. sap green). All greens are mixable, but that particular shade is about 75%cadnium yellow, 5%chrome, 10%prussian blue and the rest zinc white. Then with that green you need to layer cadnium, magenta and ochre and another layer of white. You can use vermillion too, but vermillion from tube isn't the same as a mixed vermillion, which is slightly purer and redder in hue.
So I gave in and bought the flesh pink
D:! D:! D:!
Went home and dropped everything down - tonight I'm cooking sliced steak and noodles, hopefully it'll work out. (with choysum again). I'm so tired of drawing, my wrist hurts and I find it ironic that the 2 top students in my tute are both not from SCA (one girl is from law, the other is me). They REALLY like my drawing though, and almost got dragged into doing pen/ink which is more painstaking than I wish it to be (and expensive too! Pens are $7 each here!)
Yesterday went to watch HAIRSPRAY with jiawei at cinema Nova which is $7.50 on Mondays woohoo! I need to put HAIRSPRAY in caps, because it's such an amazingly funny movie. I love it! I love the CFC ozone-destroying show! The OST is really fantastic, and the colours are brilliantly neon and pop but my favourite thing has to be the costumes - ZOMG I WANT SOME OF THE DRESSES PLZKTHNXBAI :D I'm soooooo sure I saw a parfait print dress there gah...I think Shelley wore it? And zomg zomg ALL THE SEQUINNS AND SPARKLES AND MUSIC AND SPARKLES I CANNOT GET OVER THE SHINY!
funny incident of that day:
tsu: my icecream tastes like salmon sushi
jiawei: were you eating sushi just now?
tsu: no, but the cherry tastes like sushi
jiawei: mine doesn't taste like bailey's either
tsu: *THRUST* here TRY IT. TELL ME IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE SUSHI.
jiawei: *tries*
jiawei: ...............it tastes like salmon sushi.
tsu: see i told you!
jiawei: it smells like cherry and tastes like salmon sushi
tsu: hahaha~ ONLY IN AUSTRALIA!
Yeah anyway, the moral of the story is that Cinema Nova's choc-tops tastes odd. Like sushi. Or at least their cherry ripe icecream flavour does. ODD! D:
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:35 p.m.+
Friday was wonderfully Renoir-like - a lazy midday class that rolled into the grassy southlawn staring at the sky will immigrant clouds transpersed to the south as the far the eye could see into that infinite mass of solid horizon. We lain with our backs on the grass, hindquarts speared and relaxed like dozing lumps of fleshy rocks at the carpet green flattened against our weight, lips moving, meaningless words being said with the sun in our eyes and scent of spring - spicy, sweet, warm and welcoming; heady and seductive in the warmth of sunshine.
Dazed and languid with low focus like a soft impressionist painting where everything moved like a standstill - the air itself was a presence. even the sound, seemed so distant and far away and the voice sluggish and stilled with beauty. A trick of the light, a palimpest of old desire - the human that craved warmth after a mean winter that brushed and perfected into a frozen snapshot of lanes slowly walked and remembered.
Wandered down Elizabeth street with bare, coatless arms (first time!) and hair clinging against the neck. Window shopped and browsed the city - finding quirky vinyl shops, graffiti galleries and an odd quaint cafe. The funniest had to be this new age magic shop - questionable beyond belief with astrology!signs on the walls, dramatic dangly crystals and sparky decor. SPARKY. She was wearing a glittery top with glittering skirt and glittering (patchy) shawl. I had a sudden Trelawany image, which unfortunately lacked glasses. Less drape-y but more lyrca-disco meets new age yogaist in an unhappy fashion marriage of bad taste, tight spandex and too much glitter.
Loitered around then it started to rain - Melbourne is a bitchy woman constantly PMSing I swear. It's not "four seasons in a day", it's called "tempremental bitchyness year round". Cursing and swearing, we ran to QV, clinging to the umbrella since I was the only one who carried. Decided to splurge on Japanese food (again) at Lonsdale and as usual, we stuffed ourselves silly until we couldn't move. Talked about Johnny's and apartment hunting and gross roommates and shitty weather till it was time to go back.
Saturday was merely lazy. Finished the wonton mee and planned an early night but then Annette called and she came over because her roommate was driving her up the wall. That poor girl didn't even have any proper food (as much as I like cake, it is NOT food) so I fried some instant noodles with chilli, cheese and egg and made some decent grub out of it.
Talked, or rather she did. Then let her stay overnight. Lunch'ed at Threshermans on Sunday and tried this melon float thingthing which was quite nice actually. And I got my cherry ripe crossiant! YES! Now I'm in the computer lab printing art stuff, and deciding whether I should start sketching today or not, which I problably should *sighs*
There was quite some shitty stuff this week, as well as some interesting things I haven't mentioned. First off, I got a HI FOR SPACELAB! YAY! :D Then my apartment was inspected, which wasn't too bad. I had another conselling-group session thing, and I suppose talk theraphy is ruled out for me since it exacerbates the situation. Then told Gus about it, and got a deadline extension. Oh then the loli thing happened, which you can read at lj here (it's f-locked btw) I'm scheduled for an MRI scan, but I'm not sure when is that since they're trying to make it at Parkville instead of Footscray.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:38 p.m.+
surprisingly accurate for a self-report test
Oh yeah, here's the link to the full report:report
+tsu waited for you at 05:10 p.m.+
Katamari OST hmmm makes me wanna go roll some balls' yo. Film Theory today, watched Boys' Don't Cry. Am I allowed to say that I still like the song more than the movie and Hilary Swank looks like Matt Daemon?
I feel slightly better than totally crappy - lolita makes the world better. Phone was off yesterday and then lost my housekeys and then my clothes looked crappy and my poupee girl had a shit coordinate AND IT WAS JUST A SHIT DAY. I felt like crap. I felt I looked like crap. I just wanted to hide and slam doors and stuff.
The worst feeling is to wake up
knowing that it will be the same
the climbing moon
and the earth as shit
Today was marginally better because I wore loli and did my hair and knew that even though I felt crappy at least I didn't look like it. Amazing how appearance matters doesn't it? BTW, Andrew's on facebook and he's a prep school boy. I LULZ. And Jiawei calls me a stalker! who's stalking now?! I'm not the one spilling expensive vodlka on the carpet and killing bacteria......it was kinda windy though, and tomorrow to make myself feel cooler I'm going to wear my putumayo pants and pin my hair again. It's surprisingly easy to pin it now, since it slides nicely to the clip. And it looks cool! Looking cool is awesome, I just wish I had a matching shirt with it. Would pink do?
Yesterday had TV DINNER with natz which was fun and trashy and full of Simpson's and lamb pizza and garlic bread. Insection cafe is lifesaving grace of takeaway greasy pizza and dousy garlic bread. That was before it downhill'ed into tsu being a miserable grape-munching wreck who had a craving for chai latte. Chai latte! It's an australian invention. Basically it's spiced black tea and tastes like very milky christmas. Nutmeg, cinnimon, a bit of sweet pepper taste and milkyish. Not too sweet. Kinda like non-alcoholic eggnog and it's nice~ I like it! Although it's soooooo sterotypically SCA to like chai lattes. Like middleclass hippieism. If you get my drift.
Even though it was my last class of the day and I was problably zomg!going to fall asleep, Psychology was problably my favourite lecture. They were talking about biological psychology and neurotransmitters and stuff. Apparently low dopamine sensitivity = prone to depression and since dopamine is related to steronin (which causes impluse-aggression) MOST! anti-depressants would make you more impluse-aggressive since it basically "ups" your dopamine levels artifically.
Then there's the 2D:4D measurement which basically measures the amount of tetestorene you had prenatal. 2D stands your index finger in the right hand (2nd Digit) whereas 4D stands for the ring finger on the right hand (4th Digit) and the RATIO of the 2D:4D determines the amount of tetestorene you recieved. A low 2D:4D means you had lots of it. In men, a low 2D:4D means more aggression, preference for "masculine" jobs and less prone to "feminine" feelings. In women, it makes them more passive aggressive and prone to taking more "masculine" roles eg. enterprising instead of socializing.
There's a lot of cool stuff, particularly regarding neurochemicals and I *kinda* wish I took Chem/Bio now since it's so interesting. It's fun!
Dragged my ass home (somehow) and craved for another chai latte (oh noes! I'm addicted! and I already had 2!) Ran into Paul at Thresherman's (pick up cheap sandwhiches) and he looked as neurotic/nervous as ever. That reminds me, I need to arrange another appointment. *sighs*
boo i need to bathe. somehow
*dreams of chai lattes*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:44 p.m.+
jessica wants to marry jackass
boo.
it's october now and i'm whiny as hell.
HOLIDAYS ARE OVER.
not that i had any anyway, suxxors.
i'm pretty much sick and tired of everything - yesterday i had cake for dinner, and today it's pizza and television (simpsons) and it was awesomely college and jiawei is stone-drunk and talking to me. hahaha. the OZ education. we talk about how much we hate men, easiest ways to get high and who is or is not a slut. i had intersection pizza and she had soysauce fried rice. how college. the only thing missing is the godawful sweatpants.
tomorrow is film theory, which is uber-crappage but even crappage has to be done thus i'm strolling into class stoned and jiawei drunk and we'll make a happy, if LOL-inducing sight. positively hilarious. best part being drunk jiawei is a dancing, happy, I LOVE U AND WORLD and when i'm drunk, i'm bitter, resentful, jealous and snide. ooo~ jerkyll and hyde personalities. WONDERFUL AIN'T IT?
have a brain scan soon 'cause they're worrid about me. i'm worried about me. PLEASE LET ME BE NORMAL. i hate seeing weird stuff. i hate weird stuff. i hate being scared.
still thinking about renting - i'm seriously considering getting a smaller place with 2 bedrooms. the problem with audrey leong is that she's coming in july/june (if she's coming -_-;;;) and i can't fucking pay for an empty bedroom plz. and THEN annette and natz haven't fully confirmed yet (although i think annette is pretty much gaurenteed i think. since i know her mom) i'm thinking of getting a 3 bedroom, then we won't overpay rent. if audy comes she can twinshare with me, if she doesn't we don't need to pay for the inital 6months cover either. if natz comes she can take the bedroom, i'll live in the living room/convert the dining room.
PLEASE I'M SUCH A SPACE GENIUS.
my worry is that 5 people + 1 bathroom = Not Cool.
my ideal is around 3~ people maximum. But audy comes only in july and i WILL NOT hold an unused space for 6 months. if i advertise i feel bad for kicking a person out after half a year (boofuckinghoohoo). i don't mind letting annette stay but then it will be FOUR people and FOUR is expensive since I'M PAYING THE FREAKIN' DOWNPAYMENT BY MYSELF HELLO.
HOWEVER!
jiawei really likes her place in royal parade so she MIGHT not move out in which i'll move with annette instead who is less picky about money and can cook and clean. i still don't know about natz though, she hasn't heard anything from her application yet :x
AH THIS SUCKS! I'M MISSING CHINESE NEW YEAR NEXT YEAR! NO PINEAPPLE TARTS! NO LOVE LETTERS! FUCK YOU WORLD!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:53 a.m.+
and you know it's cold when your breath turns into smoke in the air, evaporating in a warm puff of haze and you clap your hands together like a giddy kid - "samui desu!"! ^^
it's so cold i can't believe i ran out just for strawberry cheesecake D:
to run after the tram in shorts and shirt (no underwear; none) and a coat covering with your bare (freshlywaxed for summer) legs poking out; wind freezing around the calves and nipping sock-less ankles and hair clipped sideways and the breathlessness of running into FIFTEEN minutes before it closes to open frigid frigdaire doors for frozen cheesecake on a cold day
samui! you whisper happily to yourself; you don't like it but you remember......
remember when the moon was cold and dull and 16years old with a glare of teenage drama and the wind like a teasing lover with real folk blues' slipping off your fingers like old songs and jazz dust and the only only way out was inside not out.....remember watching an old old dir en grey blitz 5 days video when they run out into convience stores for cupnoodles in the middle of the night, rubbing their hands.....remember spring, in japan, with your brown skirt whipping around legs as your froze your way uphill?
something like that.
*rubs hands together*
it's cold!
it rained today!
i had frozen-ice-melt-sara-lee-cheesecake!
samui desuuuuuu~~~~~~~<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:59 a.m.+
and everything seems to be skyblue.
maybe azure, all in strange shades
disfocussed, it blurs into mysterious
shapes
threatening; familar
slow
sunday was like that - all lovely and carefree and wonderful with shopping and spring weather and stupid tourist photos when I fluttered my lashes and stared longingly at the State Library's imperial facade with exaggarated longing and maudlin emotion. click!snap! stupidity abounds - jaiwei fake kissyfacing pigeons, retarded peacesigns, mountains of tried on clothing and a funny incident: i couldn't be bothered to do downstairs to the changing room and then the (male, teenage) shopkeeper walked in on us and jiawei was like HIDE BEHIND ME HURRY and I was OMG I'M BUTTONING UP DUCKDUCK! and it was soooooo embarassingly funny. EMBARASSING! but funny! stumbling out into daylight laughing as we dragged ourselves for dinner.
Went to Meishukyu down at Lonsdale and I remember the place as a happy accident: one night we were looking for somewhere to drink and then ran out of Section 8 (and away from the dodgy chinese-speaking aussiefella) and found it. The food is good! OMG SASHIMI HOW I MISS THEE D: my unbearable love of Japanese food - we ordered nabeyaki udon, sashimi platter, endamame, unagi temaki, zaru soba and ate it ALL up. ALL. every single mouthful. ALL. not even wasting a single pea or soup. It was insaneeeeeeee but when we lurched out, blissed out on food and absolutely stuffed into a pleasant state of "I LOVE YOU WORLD"
It was good yea? even when the night came and I was finally left with my thoughts and the realization sunk it - it was okay. It's small stuff that makes things alright, the ripples that flutter through in deep, concentrated circles rather than the endless whirlpool sucking and changing the lake. understand? impercipitabilty. that way, we can live forever~
does that make sense?
you float; above like a dream
an illusion of non-change
when in constant renewal
then come wednesday, and Max asked me out and I don't know why but I said yes - I guess I must be a really conflicting and contradictory person, because I'm not interested in him at all (except as a friend). The play was good though, very Tenesse Williams and bumped into Emma which is awesome since I want my mook back. Then saw Morgan and Anunth and met this new guy, called Nick who was kinda cool with really pretty eyes. hahaha~ am I strange? I guess so! but plz no more vegetarian dinners. (I ended up going home to make beef intsant noodles, talk about CAVEMAN TACTICS PLZ dead cow = good man!)
then Dr. Aidan came over and refilled my meds and organized a CAT scan.......urgh I hope it's not in Footscray. I'm lazy as hell >_> anyway it was okay and not so bad - cleaned the house up, made dinner and spent wayyyyy too much time on Poupee (a href="http://pupe.co.jp">here) OHHH YEAH! I'M ON IT TOO! ADD ME PLZ!! If you email me/tag your email address, I can send you an invite and we can have 30free ribbons each!<3
Then halfway through i got hungry and ran down to the supermarket to buy junkfood. To be exact - frozen strawberry cheesecake because I hate real cheesecakes, I rather like the taste of icecrystals with melting cream cheese....weird I know D:
anyway I need some sleep
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:03 a.m.+
it's only 2.41pm and I'm nervous as hell with going out with Max tonight. my worry isn't about whether he'll like me or not (look - how many people would vote me as an angel on facebook?!) but that I don't want him to think I'm dating him/interested. I've already mentioned the word "good friend" a couple of times as a hint, but some guys are really......dense. Or I'm just not assertive enough. I've already considered calling off the whole thing but since I agreed yesterday it'll be really rude to do such a thing and also I have no real evidence he likes me anyway...just a gut feeling
i just feel our lives are too different and we have nothing in common. the only thing we've actually done is King Turd; but while he thinks it's a great fantastic play I honestly think it was a bullshitty script with horrendeously slapstick jokes and bad puns. I don't care if it's toilet humour at it's finest - the reviewers are overreading what is basically a shit play about shit.
I mean....I'm grateful about the success and all, but stuff it. y'know?
we don't have any friends in common, or any common interest.....and the truth is, i don't really want to go into the SCA group with their smoking, drinking and other habits. I have enough adddictions as it is, and with my mental/emotional health at stake - I can't afford it. I like having good grades and a clear conscience. I'm waiting for audy to come over because she won't give in to peer pressure, and neither would i and we can find our own success that way. i don't want to sleep around to the top or party my way there. it's destructive. and it makes mom cry D:
but you know, i give myself a chance
i may be overreacting what is merely friendship
and i have nothing against being friends with him, so it'll be okay
in truth, i don't think i'm ready for a relationship. i still have my own personal demons to deal with, and until i get over them/get rid of them it's an impossible thing. i know people will go "let's do it together!" but life isn't like akame fanfiction where i cry into your arms after waking up from a nightmare - life is more like me sitting at a corner withdrawing from everyone else and retreating to my own world whenever i feel threatened; life if more like you standing outside looking in and no matter how much you call me i'll never hear you because you're only a thing and voice inside my head
arghhh i'm going to nap for a bit
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:40 p.m.+
The weather is getting better~ really wonderful now and it's almost hot during midday. Almost. It's delightful to see the sun shining after so many weeks of wintry gloom, and most importantly - I can break out my summer clothes! I think early summer or late summer is my favourite time of the year - it's still fairly cool especially during the evenings. Sunset is longer - not so much a suddenly plunge into darkness, but a mellow slow descent with fadeouts and colour gradients - the silky fineness of colour graduating into shadows
I'm really getting better, promise
Mostly been studying and shopping online - Emikyu is such an addiction!<3<3<3 A lovely, freefalling addiction of wonderfully cute items and skirts! I love skirts! I need my teal shoes which are in sg, but if I ship them here what am I going to wear back home??? ahhhh how difficult. Anyway I think I'll just leave them there
Tomorrow I'm going to cook soup, because I'm quite sick of cold sushi, cold takeaway pizza and soggy sandwhiches. I don't particularly like the taste of cup noodles either and it makes me feel sick - choysum, egg and beef balls, healthy right? I'm cooking it on the ricecooker because I'm lazy like that xDDD the only problem is that I have to do the dishes first (which are moldering in the sink) and I hate doing dishes.......I need a dishwasher! Machine or human slave! D<
Haven't started on Prof. Writing and I should stop procastinating on facebook and livejournal but urgggggghhh I feel so demotivated.
[random]
OMG! THIS GUY ALSO LIKES KAT-TUN AND HE'S SO HOT ON FACEBOOK!
LOOOOOK
the scary thing is his name really IS Jin..
talk about creepy
(I'm pretty sure I bumped into him breakdancing outside Myers this Sunday but I can't be sure o.o)
[/end random]
Ooookkayy, going out with Max tomorrow. No, I don't think we're dating 'cause yeah - he doesn't really know anything about me does he? Neither do I know anything about him. He's a friend that's all *shrugs* I don't know....I have an entire life outside of SCA, and I don't even have many friends there. My priority is to finish work, stay healthy and keep cool....besides buying emikyu every months. LOLz.
You know...even though I don't put all my posts here anymore due to security reasons, I still like pitas best *hugs*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:55 p.m.+
and i finally told someone (an adult) about it
all the nightmares and sleep-problems
i think i freaked him (uncle marc) too
tomorrow i'm going to:
1. handup my essay
2. collect OSHC card
3. see a doctor
4. take a shower
i just had a funny/not-really-funny mental image of the 304 hakushi no sakura bit where all the feathers are flying around shinya and suddenly it's so LOL because somehow or other my brain is so fucked up that i'm like that too. funny huh?
okay it isn't unless you're me but oh well
1 more hour till daylight
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:40 a.m.+
still river dip your toe in cold water
Listening to: Fiest -1234
Apparently she's the new singer for the ipod nano advertising. It's really good though, like a cross between FrouFrou and Dido but cuter? Not like supercutecute, but cuter than Lily Allen anyway. I like how she mixes folksy tunes with trumpets and stuff - that's cool yeah?
I'm back here again, the computer lab. It's strangely comforting to be here, like the way I view it as my second home in that safe shelterish way - okay i'm getting lost in my own head again
the nights have gotten bad again
i just get stuff randomly jumbled in my head - scenes that conflict and don't really make sense, not even to me all potentially horrifying. like a house i once knew, with memory like tiny landmines, don't touch, don't look, too close - move your hand away oh BAM that's it. you're done for.
to tread softly around like glass
to each breath that exhales to steam
and wipe it away
and wonder at the image beneath
sometimes i wake up i can feel the eyes around me - eyes brilliant and widely insane, a crowd of them and it scares me because i see the whites of the eyes; insane i think as i brush my teeth, this is insane and i look up to see the blurred reflection of myself in the mirror and i see it again the whites of my eyes. hurriedly, i spit into the sink - don't look up. wear your glasses. you're safe here.
imagine the scene that replays in my head - a bad version of sympathy of lady vengeance where the parents crowd around the cake with their eyes lit up with candles and it's frightening; it's frightening as the image looms closer and closer and suddenly i don't want to sleep anymore.
then there's the window where a hand could be pressed against with a face that melts into the darkness of the night, and only god knows what it is. there's showering too - a difficult process because i have to close my eyes and let the soap wash over and i can't help but feel paranoid beyond belief and it's tiring, it really is.
i'm coping somehow, but i can't help feeling that there must be a breaking point soon, somewhere
hallelujah for sleeping pills
amen for a good stiff drink
there's no way i'll sleep tonight
but no one can say i didn't try
i wish i knew why.
it's like some kind of haunting - conjured ghosts from plain text, read aloud like an unspeakable spell that ensnares the imagination - terrifying, fascinating, unbreakable into restless nights of wakefulness and frightening atherealities that i don't know whether it makes - hell, i don't WANT it to make sense and the only weapon i have against them is the blessed shield of bland unthreatening pop.
soft white noise
the blessed fog
clouding the seen from unseen
and lets me
close my eyes
oh god.
what to do?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:14 p.m.+
remember Lily Chou Chou?
i just finished watching it and
OH MY GOD
if you think Ningen Shikaku is bad, this is far far worse.
Like, 10000000x times worse.
[SPOILERS]
-shit hoshino is nuts
-i really like shiori
-OMG KITE SCENE
-chatscreen takes a while to get used to
-OMG FIELD SCENE
-i really liked shiori D: is it weird if i related to her?
-KUNO TEH PWNAGE
-the apple thing reminds me of deathnote
-HOLY SHIT BLUECAT=?!?!?!
-the double narrative/flashback is really confusing
-the OST rocks
-i admit, i was wussy and cried
-especially the kite scenes and the later
my absolute favourite scenes were the field and kite-flying scenes. i recommend it, although the starting is fairly slow (I skipped some middle bits) the pace picks up after Kuno gets UMM-ed, then once Shiroi UMMs, eveeeeerything just goes downhill. It's really depressing, but like I don't know. I understand it I guess? I like it alot anyhow (does it say a lot about me hmmm?)
love
+tsu waited for you at 07:23 a.m.+
does anyone else realize how awesome denno coil truly is? i've finally finished all the episodes i missed via crunchyroll, but i'm dying for episodes 14 onwards because it gets all dark and awesome and everyone knows i have a major crush on haruken x yasako
anyway, if you didn't cry (or at least tear up) during episode 13 i'm going to call you inhuman D:
it's odd, like the reasoning and blinkering and everything that doesn't quite fit and sitting in the lab alone is a comfortable if disconnected thing, and i realize "hay! i'm just like that too". maybe more, maybe less, that kindof way that no one really understand because the only company that you have is in your mind, that the voice is mute and there's special and special and that untouchable place that exists beyond emotions and reality where all tangents lead to.
to wake up to a day with sunlight like gossamer and coloured tattoos on blue bedsheets as shadows pass through each hue and shade, the cloud patterned gifts from the sky. songs like sound like mourning rivers and swelling seas, with cascades of violins and the sound of the word dirge
oh god i feel like ficcing just when my brain wants to implode with autuer theory and french feminist pyschoanalysis bullshit.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:32 a.m.+
I lost my entry again!
THRICE!
To summarize what was a long, beautifully written entry:
-today sucked balls
-my internet connection is down
-CS is shit
-i'm angsty
-and workaholic
-and in seriously need of LURVE
-misplaced/left my unicard at home
-no comp lab
-am in baileau library
-really fucking annoyed
-forgot to bring earphones
-panicking like a haplesschicken
-dreams again
-apparently seperate people
-why am i always out of it?
-medication makes the dreams stop
-well, not really
-i haven't gotten over the incest-fire one yet
-god my dreams are weird
-Austpost sucks
-i'm coping kind of
-by basically being extremely avoidant and antisocial
-emotional distancing is harder than it seems
-can't afford mental breakdown
-panicking over deadlines
-deadlines this friday
-fuckfuckfuckityfuck
-i'm swearing a lot more now
-akame, loli and sleeping are my favourite escapes
-NEED MOAR LIFE
-i hate people
-yeah well, life sucks
-i'm still sad my entry was eaten
-baileau hates me, i know
-can you sense my wangst?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:54 p.m.+
hello darkness my old friend
I've come to visit once again
It's times like this I seriously question why I decided to do a Media and Commuications course - I hate politics, never read the newspaper and have a tendency to disregard journalists because they annoy the crapsticks out of me. And now once again, I keep on getting people to tell me write "snappy soundbites" (ugh) and "shorten sentances" (ugh) and use "simple English" (ugh). The thing I hate most about news is the lack of context and the sheer dumbing down into ironic comedy and I KNOW that the people are biased towards a certain snappy, urban-modern tone of sophomore cynicism that annoys me to no end because I'm not like that.
I like my sentances long, my paragraphs even longer - I like dashes and ellipses and semicolons and other forgotton forms of puncuation; all sadly disused or abused. I like complex grammatical structures, metrics and tempo-ed English with odd Greek/Latinate words like ephebe or pleathora or spelunking - does everything need to be about soundbites? what about the sheer lovely awkwardness of English as it clumbers with weird unwieldly terms like euphoneous and philistine?
I don't know what to do.
I need some kind of advice, but I don't know where to find it.
Part of the problem is that I'm naturally "poetic" (I didn't say it, someone else did) which means I have a torrid love affair with all things metaphorical and adjectival but journalism is about being snappy and sensationalistic with jingles and gladrag English that sounds more like spin than truth. I prefer my words to sound like scenery and slide into your mind like raindrops clinging to hair until it wiggles insidiously into your thoughts the entire day. Earworms, y'know?
It just bugs me.
:/
I find the homework a pain as well now - it's draining and painful to write, each word unmericfully pushed and birthed like some sore uke on consitpation pills reading the toilet tiles (bad analogy I know) I might have opinions, but my opinions are never so violently or forcibly put across - not in the way they want me to anyway. Does it make sense? I'm too fixed in my own thinking to change much, and even so, I don't think I can change much at all. It lives in me and all I can do is to hope I do the best for it.
wind, song, water, wave
the music of my soul
the text of my skin
words
in burning poetry
never prose
*sighs*
what to do what to do what to do
tsu0 homework1
it's not even sunrise, but I feel like the battle's been already lost a long long time ago.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:53 a.m.+
Listening to: Simon&Garfunkel + Fiest
I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few people who camp in uni overnight everytime I have an assignment. There's a few of us like that - packing for a one-night stand at the uni complabs with our dodgy oversized overnight bags filled with everything from a toothbrush to extra clothing. For me, I pack extra jackets, 2 bottles of water, breakfast and study material along with earphones, DESU usb and rubberband because damnit, it's easier to work when my hair is tied. I just wish there's a way to shower here, but ah well.
Manifest sucked. Most of you already know what happened, but if not, let's rehash a bit here: I participated in the jfashion competition, one of the judges whom I thought was a friend wanted to borrow a shirt from me for Saturday. Or so she said. Actually what she did was borrow one of my shirts and LEND IT TO ANOTHER COMPETITIOR. *insert WTF here* Then she had the audicity to snark about "poor quality and workmanship" when she was wearing MY clothes. hellooooooooo? hypocrite desu?
it's just such bitchfucktardity that I can't stand.
Anyway I won't be online tonight due to essay chiong-ing. (that is, if I actually stop surfing aimlessly around the egl comns. STOP AIMLESS SURFTING PLZ.) Stuck doing a bloody take home tesr (3qns) and I have PNA + OP-ed for Prof. Writing too. What kind of crappy holiday is this?!?! I want an Australian beach vacation okay! BEACH VACATION! Gahhhh I really want to go St. Kilda's and take lots of photos or maybe I should wait till the weather is warmer.
That said, the weather's been really crappy lately with rain and wind and lousy grey skies that bring a new level to the term "melancholy". It's cold and deary intermingled with sad, pitiful drops of drizzling rain that cling to the wool of sweaters and trickle aimlessly down umbrellas in a long, boring fall into wet roads and metal drains. My plants feel unhappy. I feel unhappy. I like seeing sunshine, even though I don't particularly like being sunburnt (sunblock PLZKTHXBAI)
Oh I've gone shopping again. ETC eatz mah soulz plz.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:25 p.m.+
+tsu waited for you at 07:10 p.m.+
Yesterday worked on the bloody essay from 10pm to 11am next morning. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Seriously, sleep deprivation combined with being confined too long and lack of food made me absolutely sick by midday. Sick to bordering-on-collaspe sick. I had difficulty moving, experienced bouts of dizzyness and nauesea combined with mental fatigue as well as the usual problems of bright lights because daylight actually hurt my eyes. The relief of reaching my apartment, stumbling for a bath totally clensed my soul and K.O'ed till 4pm
I'm still sleepy btw
had fried rice for dinner, looking at the dishes in the sink makes me unhappy D: I just don't feel like washing, particularly since I just painted my nails. Sparkleberry pink! *flashes* isn't it so cute? isn't it so kirakira~~<3?
Tomorrow's the jfashion competition, wish me luck mm'kay?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:11 a.m.+
Listening to: Fiest - My Man on The Moon/Mushaboom
dirty jazz. grainy voices that sink like grainy whisky all hot and sweet and burning on lips - your lips and mine like a moist kill of shared melancholy. To the left is the voices of the howling wind muted by the deafening fog of victorian winters and the cold, drizzling rain that pelt like deary tired workers as the pebble and pelter slowly home, - down drainpipes and swirling potholes and damp puddles and splashing wellingtons with muck and rain pressing faces against cold windows - yours looking in, mine looking out as the glass stops the cold hands from reach you
i am SO TOTALLY forcing myself to write my pysch essay
It's 7pm now and i will NOT get out of the comp lab until I finish it. (even if it means i have to go home tomorrow)
my music playlist is (un)surprisingly devoid of any main albums or genre and surprise surprise, more than 3/4 is in english! Nowadays it's Hugh Grant, Fiest, Goldfrapp, New Order, Guns'n'Roses, Nelly Furtadp mixed with R.E.M and Kylie Mingoue/Justin Timberlake and bits of KAT-TUN thrown in. In general, if I'm listening to KT the songs I go for is Special Happiness and I Like It (mainly because the chorus is something I can sing even on loop/not thinking) although I like Akanishi Jin's Ha-ha as well.
Although yesterday I gave in to my inner Jrock fangirl did the whole DeG-Pierrot crash thing.
I don't think I particularly like any type of band or music (except for Metallica which sucks. discounting Enter Sandman) I'll never really be a big fan of any particular type because i really listen to too much music. DABBLER! hahaha. I realized iTunes is useless for me because I have only one song from each band (or two, if they're lucky)....it's such a pain to make new playlists all the time because my mood swings faster than clockwork hands
even within this entry, I've changed my playlist at least twice - ditching Guns'n'Roses and Kylie Mingoue for Lily Allen and Arcade Fire.
the weather is dull and deary, to the point that I'm layering jackets in the lab because it gets chilly even in this subterranian underworld of florescent lighting, typing keys, hospitalized green walls and the soft whirr of computer mechanics. Nothing interferes with such a delightful scene except for the occasional chug of the printers, the quiet clicking of mouse and the endless typing sounds of clack-clack-clack like mice dancing over piano keys
i feel like i'm in london fog
take it slow
take it easy on me
shed some light
over the cold please
could you
just walk to the moon
would you
hold on his hand; handshaking on
moonlight's kiss
i keep forgetting to mention i saw this really good gyspy eastern music band last thursday and they had....ELETRIC CELLOS! ELETRIC VIOLINS! and the most awesome shimmy music ever. shimmy music? wozzat? you ask, it's like music that you dance to with fingers and hands swirling with burnt orange and vermillion scarfs and harem wives seducing spineless husbands and something akanishi jin's hips would die for.
okay, enough. i'm just delaying the fact i need to complete essay NOW. *delays delays*
i suck, i know.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:08 p.m.+
there's a lot to be said about socks and spit, and the needlessness of words that go nowhere and language that does more to conceal. that's the idea, that caregivers want: "i wish i taught kids how to mask." and when i look at my floor with clothes - loli, brand, dirty, clean, oldskool and grubby in a mass of equality mingling cheerfully with thrown bags, books, disused pens; there's something there. not for the life of me i can explain it, especially not with a mouthful of old pizza in my mouth and a timtam in the other hand.
i got a comment yesterday that i was too astute, too observant, my humour too dry and sardonic - although i prefer to think of it as being "quirky". so i'm listening to T Rex's Bang A Gong and the beat that drums my head: you're dirty sweet and you're my girl and it's totally my kind of song because i can shake my ass and laugh with ironic distance and still totally do the kitsch thing.
seems like the older i grow
the more difficult i become.
so whilst i'm poking/peeling at a scab, the flesh soft and pink under the hardness of the dead skin and iodine - last vestiages of paperthin skin clinging on to the scab as it hardens and beneath it heals and heals until it gets itchy and when you stratch it on the top - all you can hear is the sound of stratching but the flesh untouched (and itchy) underneath. empty noise. i peel it inch by inch, lifting gently to peek at the new-born skin. it's still pinky red and fresh from healing. untouched. thin. fragile. how cool is that?
the funny thing today was that dad called and my other family didn't, and it was funny because i was feeling pretty down about yesterday and that annoying feeling that no one understood : jiawei was too busy WoWing, audy was wouldn't understand (thus, the difficulty of having more experience), my sis was up to shit with assignments and mom....hmmm where is she now? so when he asked whether i was lonely i wanted to laugh with the coolest ironic mockery since fergie peed in her pants. not possible. the funniest thing was that i didn't particularly lack company - i was invited out for a party tonight at horse bazaar but decided to stay in instead.
ahhhh problems of living alone
no one congradulates you for your self-restraint
so. i did weed yesterday. so. i drank yesterday. so. i stayed in today. so. i ate fruit. so. no one gave a fuck. then i realized that if no one gives a fuck, why should i give one either? my life can go to hell, i can go to hell - maybe i should just start passing my number around and start sleeping with some hot arts student - politics in melbourne uni is surprisingly easy if you look stupid/shy enough. i'll get my h1s, audy may or may not come, jiawei may or may not be using me (like. who isn't?), i may or may not be going on student exchange next year......et cetra. you get the picture.
and damned! i was going to write a good post here.
:0
see, after this the concern will start pouring in - but it doesn't really matter. to feel like existence is not worth anything is totally the most liberating feeling ever because it means you can die or rot on the streets or get totally drunk/stoned. to live in a cubicle in a flat filled with other cubicles, your entire existence centring around clothes and bearbear and hmmm what takeaway to have for dinner?
i feel like i'm trying hard for no reason.
do you understand? walk into a flat of soundlessness, the sky a muted blanket and sleep is the only oblivion for daily living - wake up at 4pm because quick! i want the day to end so that i can go back home again. even then, home won't be the same anymore because they don't know what's it like to walk into a blank space and build your life again. you talk of things that make it seem like a game, filled with good and bad and second chances where reality has no grasp of - whereof and where art thou and tis true tis true; shake your head and nod and sigh but you don't understand anyway
---------
interesting fact of the day:
my mom dislikes audy quite a lot
and i know why now :x
i can understand her reasoning
i suppose audy's mother feels the exact same way about me.
who knows?
it's so strange. does it look an armchair? does it sit there? a fortress of chitchat? ahhhhhh so many things. (i need to stop reading william stucliffe) maybe she's right. maybe she's right too. whatever it is, i still have bearbear *clings* reminder to self: do not call at 3am SG time. mom tends to be grumpy. i feel better after i crying though, i think it's like emotional release 101.
gahhhh i just remembered i have taxi 1 (the french version) in my bag and i totally have not watched it yet. gdgwuyfuedjso0sj!!!! i'm such an idiot. and i have to return it tomorrow too.
i just realized i haven't bathed at all today. boo.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:23 a.m.+
well, what can i say? the sky was dark and the skyline full of flats and dimly lit stars, and the yard outside redolent with the scents of a nigt garden - wet damp smell of sheared grass, the roaring of a gas heater, the fairy lights and the wooden tables and the groups of people clustered in a dizzy, mingling flight of colours and names and fuck - do i really care?
i feel like a nestling bird
like that, i'm gathered in your arms; with a drink pressed in my hand and weed pressed on my lips - a mouthful of choking smoke that felt like danger and bliss and curiousity and eyes widen - always, at the sex and the laughter and the tawdry and normal until it blends into an intoxicating orgy of art and words and lies that sound like truth like a surrealistic dali painting where the sky floats upside down and no one really knows
to be truthful, i left soon after that and escaped to the blessed confines of cafe trevi for a restorative cake and hot chocolate. i like the old man who works there (and he knows what i like anyway, i always order the same thing) until it passed like a dream that never happened if not for the fact that my clothes smell like smoke and my spit tastes like wine
i feel better now, after 1 million cups of water and lolisurfing and akame p0rn
*sighs*
why is it that to reach the moon, you have to jump into the lake first?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:23 a.m.+
so that earthly sound
was of the strange call
of fallowing eaves
and quiet sighs
that rolls; and rolled
to silvered
dust
yesterday night i gave myself a hangover finishing chocolate milk, because it expires on the 7th and i HATE wasting chocolate milk. it is like, chocolate milk. thankfully it wasn't so bad that i couldn't go to school - popped a panadol and ta-da! painfree!:D it was kinda useless though, since alison was drunk and stoned and i was hungover and 3/4 of the class was like that and it was hilarious seeing our tutor try (vainly) to stir up some enthusiasm when all we wanted to do was "fuck yea!let's go back to sleep!". you know you've totally degenerated when you start wearing your pajamas top as school clothes hahaha
met holly (jiawei's current piggy roomate) then went for lunch and safeway and bought up 3 packets of blueberries, 200g of grapes, toothpaste and sunblock. i can sense spring's coming because i wore a single shirt and felt warm today and that's BAD (and good. because i like warm yay) because aust has a hole in the ozone and i hate getting sunburnt. i don't tan either, so burning is NOT an option.
went home, fooled around then since no one was free i thought hey, i'll just go for the muddy duck bar myself and thankfully the music was great and there was dancing and i ran into emma, laura and ian as well as nyunkia. seems like no one's really going for tomorrow's closing party but everyone's going for the UNOFFICIAL party on sunday at horse bazaar. yay! i'm invited. i have a feeling panadol is going to be my best friend soon, and while i'm still sober i should do more supermarketing for fruits because DETOX will be my middle name soon enough
i'm kinda glad i didn't drink at all today though
restraint! 'sides tomorrow is king turd's closing night
so i'll problably go for that
AH BUT I ALSO HAVE PSYCH ESSAY.
most likely i'll skip film and do the damned essay instead.
OR JUST DO IT. ARGH. GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH.
oh i ate cup noodles today.
sick ain't it? D:
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:36 a.m.+
My brain is actually so not working right now.
Plz non-compute!
Dragged my ass up in the morning for Film Tute (how the hell did I make it for class?) and OMG CUTE GUY CUT HIS HAIR! thus, no longer cute :0 I'm so disappointed (but it's funny too!) Walked down to Carlton post office to pay electricity and grabbed some cinnimon scrolls for lunch before totally K.O'ing due to the lack of sleep the night before. Woke up just in time for the play, grabbed some dodgy sushi takeaway and got myself down to collingwood for King Turd.
OMG THE COSTUMES WERE A MESS :0
Like all the makeup all over the place, the costumes draped everywhere, the brushes unwashed....OMG LAURA WTF (she's supposed to take over the days I'm not free) Anyway today's show was pretty good....the music helped! They were playing cheesy 80s hits and I looooove it *shakes butt* so fun!
Left with Max, Ryan and Paul and then Paul took the toilet keys with him and then we had to drive him back to collingwood AND then back againg to Ill Duce (aka. le duckie) Then dropped Ryan off and went one biiiig circle and ended up in St Kilda! hahaha omg! So we thought hey why not? and had this cool midnight stroll along the sea and the sky looks so huge and infinite that it seems to stretch limitlessly as you float mysteriously in the rolling night fog; blinking sea signals in the distance, the soft lull of waves and how wonderful it is - to see in the soft blurring darkness, the sand in your shoes and laughter and the glowing figures and lamplights and stumbling sand and sea
it was TOTALLY AWESOME
*insert valleygirl joke here*
then he sent me back home and gave me a goodnight kiss (on the cheek! you dimwits!) but yeahh.....ahhhh i don't know! i really don't want to read too much into anything, so i'm just going to take it easy for now.
ahhhh class at 11am tomorrow!
need to go and bathe and stuff
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:47 a.m.+
daisy on the lawn
i had something. really. i just forgot.
i'm so tired.....yesterday i slept at 6.30am (or rather, today) and i'm still kinda stoned out of my mind. i feel slightly sick - i ate only a sandwhich for dinner, and during the last bites of chewing bread i suddenly feel violently nauseaous and almost puked everything out.
finally cleared my fridge, and added a whole pile of mint sprigs to clear up the revolting smell of mold. i'm kinda surprised that my mint plant is growing so well, considering i'm not much of a gardener. i actually had to prune it, because it's too big on my windowstill already. sometimes i forget to water, then i'll feel reeeeeeally bad about it and then promise for the next few days. oh dear, am i accidentally plant-cruel?
i'm so tired i don't feel like dancing D: usually i feel like dancing when the music is on, but i'm really too tired to do more than shuffle. question calls though: should i take sleeping pills or just make an ameretto milkshake? ahhhhh....if i take sleeping pills, i'm gaurenteed a dreamless sleep HOWEVER i might not be able to wake up in time for class. if i take a drink, there's a chance of nightmares HOWEVER i would be able to wake up for class. i'm the lucky kind that processes alcohol well enough that i don't get hangovers, so that's not too bad in that aspect.
decisions decisions decisions......
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:40 p.m.+
the truth is i'm not cured. the truth is i sleep with the lights on. the truth is that i get nightmares every night until i'm terrified of sleeping even though my body craves it. the truth is i'm frightened of myself and my dreams and i wish it'll stop. the truth is i've been awake to watch the sunrise long enough to know what time it rises every day. and that's the truth of it.
it started all over again.
the nightmares.
the word frightened doesn't cover it.
i didn't do anything to trigger it. i'm kinda annoyed because i've generally been good - reading fics, looking at lolita, having good vibes and basically not stressing out. then it comes. ARGH.
everywhere i look and something else looks out.
anyway, it's an hour more till sunrise, and can you sense my utter enthusiasm? it means i can sleep! *relief* and this sucks. seriously. i can only do this on days i have late late classes which means..........sleeping pills.
forgive my crankyness, i just really hate to be reliant on that.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:23 a.m.+
and there it was
over here and neither there
standing in the middle of nowhere
sometimes i wonder if i'm psychotic. yearning. loving. longing. regret. there's so much to say. there's light behind thin eyelids. there's something. something.
all i can do is wish.
+tsu waited for you at 03:49 a.m.+
you'll think to yourself - close your eyes and think of the places you could be and then it all fades into black; all warm and hugs and soft places that fall inbetween then - wake up, it's all gone.
but you can't stop dancing, not like that. just keep tapping that in/out/skip rhythem down the hallways in your head in your life and mine and then hold hands and doing that jiggle and wiggle and shizzles then it's a smile and all's laughing all over again. like that. special happiness.
Or maybe, it's just that i have proper food to eat for once.
FOOD! like really.
terrible bout of homesickness/existentialism/crapshitness yesterday night - i think alcohol + medication = depression. or maybe it just had it coming. i just started sniffling on to my pillow and then called audy to cry and whine and totally phail around like a waving-arm wibble. WAVINGARMWIBBLE! then it wasn't so bad until i was laughing and crying and heartpain and then omg, maybe timtams and proper food is like living instead of spacing out in nothingness because it's spacing out and coming back that hurt so so so much.
anyway, splurged on a HUGE kickass vietamese dinner today with jiawei then walked back to my place 'cause she has a sinusitis and like, i have clarinase then watched drop dead gorgeous (crappy and funny as hell) and made her buy me men's pocky and ladyfingers (because liek, PIPPI SEZ FREEFOOD) and then listened to hyper music and starting dancing in my apartment like moonlight and lamplight and carpeted feet and laughter that sounds as unreal as the word happiness and you know it's flying higher and higher - soaring on headbanging and memories and umbrella and bluefish and things that make you smile like flat sachertorte your sis baked you and eating 1.5kg of strawberry shortcake and swimming pools
and damned but i wasn't going to get homesick again.
called my sis up which was funny and snarky and that's the best thing ever, because it feels normal and right-next-to-you even with static and background noise and typing and toilet. who cares right? that's how it is. everything that counts more than words. like some merci advertisement with gloopy smiles and that silly song "merciiiii for you and meeeeeeeee and then the train part - the connecting chocolate and somehow it looks cheesy but who cares right? it's there. like tatare sauce on fish and chips and yea yea yea, who cares for malt vinegar when you have america?????
then you open a bag of ladyfingers and much them yourself. lagunes de chat. LOL. cat's tongues on ladyfingers.
PS. NEW LAYOUT! if you have eyes xD
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:07 a.m.+
