Listening: K's Choice - Virgin State of Mind
Where can I run to?
Where can I hide?
Who would I turn to?
Now I'm in a virgin state of mind
For some weird reason, this is my fave zonked out/stoned/ zombiefied song. It's strange cos it's not about love, it's just about someone going crazy. Etheral, beautiful, deadly song. Hmn. I'm just getting weirder and weirder as I grow older.
Is that what people call wisdom?
Dreamy dreamy day. Mostly because of lack of sleep, doesn't help that I feel like I'm nowhere and everywhere at once. I'm just -not- thinking or pondering anymore, it's just a step by step by step of -surviving- Survive what? I don't know.....Feels not there. And it's not only me, my brother is too I think.
Does zonking out run in the family?
Feel dull, lifeless and I need to -do- something to get out of this state. Just feeling "blah". I don't feel like drawing or writing, I'm just existing right now. *sighs*
I'm really bad company now.
G'dnite and love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:00 p.m.]
Found something interesting today. *giggles* It seems that I have a knack for love and matchmaking. XD XD Apparently, astrologically speaking, leXis and I are soulmates, even better, all my matchmaking worked out!~!~~~! *smiles*
That was pretty neat to know.
Anyways, went to school and was tired tired tired.....*yawns* I nearly fell asleep if not for drawing bishies.....XD XD Influence by Boku no Sukina Sensei resulted in long haired pretty boys. Anyways, after reading through it zillions of times, I finally figured out the plot!~!~
It's about this boy, called Ukyou and when he was 15 he ran away from home after killing his brother. A gang boss (mafia guy) called Tsukiya found him and took him in and loved him. They lived happily until one day there was a car accident and Tsukiya died. Heartbroken, Ukyou restarted his life and became a teacher, on the way he fell in love with a student. (I don't like the student btw) But!~! *gasps* Tsukiya was actually alive and kicking in HongKong and now he wants his lover back~!!~ Yay!~!! What a great story actually.........
Anyways, sleeepppyyyy......don't wanna blog anymore cos when Tsu is sleeeppy she becomes craaaaannnnkkkkkyyyy...Night'
love
sleepy sleepy tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:55 p.m.]
Feeling think-ish...Just finished an articale from TIME and it's rather interesting, dealing with the meaning of home. Is home your relatives and ties? Land of origin?
I was just thinking, where home is doesn't really matter. It's in your heart. All the memories that we have are our "home". Like once, I drank paint by accident and twas a very very precocious child. I flirted and flew paper planes in class, switched kindergardens and skipped a grade cos my sister kept on feeling sick. Blurred faces and fragments...Like there was a guy named Sean whose nose always bled and they usually served chicken rice in sky blue plates.
Then I shifted over to PAP cos my sis couldn't stand the aircon and kept on falling sick. Instead of green, I wore a blue uniform. On weekends we'll all go down to Mama's (grandma's) place and at that time, everything was perfect. We'll run around the mini playground, where Buena Vista once was, light lanterns and try to burn candles and gunpowder during Mooncake festivals. Then we'll all go back and run up and down the stairs and crash into the bunch of red cassis.
Remember Rina and Inka before they moved away? Bare feet running, climbing trees, rushing after school to dump your bag and quickly change into play clothes. Getting a tan and swimming everyday. We played and played till 8 pm and then mom would come down screaming at us. Bouncing on beds eating strawberry and jam sandwhiches yelling our lungs out. Flustered maids going "ma'am this ma'am that" and we ran into the backlanes and hid away from sight until she walked back in a huff. Then we went to the playground to dig clay up and cover it with "gold" sand to make mud balls XD XD We'll play on the swing and flew higher and higher and higher and leap down! And Rina nearly broke her arm.....
It's so strange, but despite the past that we shared, we don't greet each other anymore in the slient school corridors. I feel like I'm the only person who chants and remembers everything like a gift. It's not sad.....but...
Remember kor before he turned grumpy? Playing wrestling with us and games like Time Destroyer! Crawling under blankets and pillows, building mini houses, leaping from the double decker bed until Lun twisted his arm. Heck, life was fun. Remember how we dressed ourselves in pillows so that when Mom tried to cane us there won't be any pain? And in the end, she laughed too much to try. Oh yeah, throwing canes down the balcony :P Then I was in Pri 1 (7 years) and Kor would help me with my homework cos I never seem to be able to finish it, he'll write upside down to make it look like my loopy handwriting.
Then my first best friend was Clarissa and then she joined GEP and I was heartbrokened when she left for Rosyth. I haven't seen her for 8 years, I don't even know what happened to her. We would sit at the concourse, and eat and trade stickers (Tsu was a sticker collecter). Then there was Debbie, who left for university and came back when I was 10. But 3 years was a long time, and we have nothing to say to each other now....
This is the weird part, I don't remember ANYTHING that happened between the ages of 7 - 10. Nothing. Nada.
That scares me.
From what I've gathered by asking around (yes, I have to ask what happened) it seems like I was not only anti-social but quiet. I never spoke, cried incessantly, spoke in riddles and gave cryptic answers (geez....) And I'm not sure if it's true cos I can't remember. Just somkey details like tying my hair into plaits and one side the band would be white and the other, black.
I remember shopping with my mom, and that's why shopping has a special meaning for me. She would go out with me and buy dresses. There was once I scored well for English and my present was a lovely green dress that I could TWIRL IN!!~!~~ My hair was long at that time, and it had a big green ribbon behind. Come to think of it, half my clothes had ribbons and the other half had teddy bear prints. Everything else was flowery and had both.
My last dress was a blue one with pearls in it XD
I don't really know what caused me to change into me now. It's strange when you think of it, how could a slient, anti-social, delinquent wannabe who scored a C for social skills change into one of the most notorious students in school within 1 month? I know that cos my note book wasn;t touched for a month. And I keep notebooks, they're part of me because all my drawings from childhood to kidhood and finally teenage years are inside.
Dunno, just felt like writing it all down. Must to the weather.
In rememberance of days past-Keats(?)
love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 11:30 p.m.]
leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online!leXis is online! XD
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 09:41 p.m.]
Listening to: Someday We'll Know - New Radicals
Feeling gooooooddd......After school, Auddy and I walked to the interchange and she bought be Sourcer's Blue!!!~ It's a bright blue drink and it turns your lips and tongue and teeth blue!!~~! Waiiii~!! In the end both of us looked a)like Mana wannabes and b)dead people!~ Waiiii~!!!~ It's sweet and sour and superduper nice! Then we walked to Comics Connection which is every hard to find and highly confusing....
Anyways.
OMG! I FOUND KIZUNA AND OTHER YAOI MANGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL. S'pore's finally allowing yaoi!~!~! XD XD I'm so happy *clutches copy of Boku no Sukina Sensei* SHI-A-WASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so happy!!~! *bounce bounce* Anyways, now I owe Auddy cash and I'm going to get book 5 tomorrow. I DON'T CARE!
Had the usual dinner and everything and wrote a letter to Alex and all........Hmnnnm....Have to call Tessie too. Okay, called her. And Alex too!!~ Both of us have yaoi manga now!!~! Yay yay yay~!
Th only thing I kinda worried now is what happened to leXis.
Ahh......Tessie says she's just settling in so I suppose that's what's happening. Oh well. *sighs*
love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 08:31 p.m.]
Snerkyness.....what does it mean?
Listening to: Stone Roses - Weiss Gluhen
Just showered and it feels nice //soapsogood!soapsoGOOD!// clean and fresh and crispy XD and warm too. Ahhh....Love the blueberry shampoo //am I obessed?// and I smell yummy. XD I feel yummy too. Must go find some ice cream later.
Feeling better now, thank you minna for your concern.
Tuition wasn't too bad but I had a rather lousy night. Couldn't sleep and whenever I dreamt, twas mostly lucid. Which means no fun. All in all, I woke 3 times with 3 -very- different dreams.
Dream #1
I dreamt I was in China and twas looking for leXis. I went round and round and round but she was always one step ahead. I hope it isn't too bad. Was with my cousins and Tingting saw her at some crystal caves so I rant there but she already went in and my parents called me back. Then at 4.00 there was a parade and I could finally leave to look for her but she was already gone. I stood in an open field, looking around, //where could she be?// and I noticed a castle hotel. //maybe she's in there// and then I woke up.
Dream #2
It's not really a dream but it was hell weird. I was running circles in my head going why can't I wake up yet? Because your body needs rest. Oh. Then I just waited and waited to wake up, twas very bored and noticed how the light turned black to blue to green to yellow. Strange ne? I could see even though my eyes were closed.
Dream #3
I can't remember much, except that whoever or whatever it was told me not to worry and said it'll always love me. And then it hugged me. Felt nice. But soon I feel back dreamlessly and woke up tired and groggy, Feel like I've traveled so much.
Blah blah tuition again and learnt the Pressure formula as well as upthrust. Issit me or the amount of Physic(ial) puns on the word UPTHRUST is just weird? No wonder science is gay.
PS. Thanks neko for the screwfest Illuminati PV.
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 09:19 p.m.]
Tsu. Not. Happy. In fact, I'm Royally Pissed. It started out as a lovely day went some shopping, thought I was lucky to have a fantastic mom who went out with me, felt loved and cared for. F*ck.
I went out for dinner with my bloody fucking family.
My parents are divorced and my mom instilled from young that Dad's family was super sh*t. Anyways, she goes on and on and gripes about the money and how they disgust her. Generally I listen. Cos most of it is kinda true anyways. Like my "grandmother" who frikkin hates me and my guts, cos I'm loud and don't give a damn. And loves my brother cos he's MALE (yes, sexism still happens). If I was in China I'll be dead and aborted (highly likly). I don't care about the favouristism or the subtle threats they make if I plan to do something besides Law (they're hell bent on it) but I DO care when my Mom behaves like them too.
F*cking hell, they might as just tell me I'm a bastard unwanted daughter of a man who doesn't understand the word Fidelity and the difference between 3 kids and 3 kids and 3 bastards.
My mother was simpering at them.
That HURT
After all she said about how it didn't matter whether we had a father or not. How she said she loved us and it didn't matter what they thought. How we should stand up for ourselves. F*ck. And there she was, giggling and simpering and acting like she was some rich taitai and how she AGREED that I should speak softer, sit more girly like. F*ck. I'm damnably pissed. I don't care if they think I'm a bastard loud ungirly and unseemly. But I DO CARE about what she thinks. And that hurt. It hurt like shit cos I knew that they never cared when my dad divorced her. I knew they insulted her behind her back. I knew that they thought she was a fool.
And she was bloody hell talking and admiring their money.
I hate wealth, I hate they way they think that money is the most important. How they flaunt it with their new Mercedes, Philp Patek watches. How they try to lure us with gifts of watches, Mont Blanc pens and Watermark glasses. F*CK THEM. I don't play with dirty money. Already I feel dirty when I have to accept the stinking rich stuff. How you pat my hair and hug me when people are watching, pretend to play nice, when EVERY damn TOUCH is like POSION! IT'S LIKE POISON YOU @SSHOLES!
I swore once when I was 10. When I first found this out through my brother. It explained everything of course. Why the teachers kept a close eye on we, why the students would gossip about me. I don't care. I swore never to hate you because you don't even deserve my hate. But I remember. And I'll remember it always.
F*ck you to the depths of hell. For everything.
Tsubaki
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:04 p.m.]
Listening to: Yuutsu Na Seven Days - Gravitation.
Went to school and totally regretted it. I should've stayed at home and just pretended to be ill or something.
History makes you a discontented citizen.
Anyways, twas the National Day celebrations which were frankly disgusting. We were made to sit down and behave really sweet while we sewed patches of cloth for the dumb Patchwork of the Nation project with nationalistic music like "We are One Singapore" playing behind. OMG!!!!!!!!! For a kafe sec, I felt like one of those girls who joined Hitler's Iron Youth programme, POLITICAL INDOCTRINATION AND BALANT PROPAGANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arraghhhhh...what a waste of my time. Could have spent it on something else.
Came home and called up mom to go shopping. WHEEE!!!~!~ *dances happily* Found a lovely A.V.V skirt that was swishy and had flowers all over it!~!~ Went to Mango and all, but nothing really suited me cos they changed all the colours to Fall already and it was black, brown and maroon. Colours that make me look really sucky........Except for a rather -lovely- white lace dress. Except that I remembered that Judith was wearing the -excat- same piece so I put it back on the shelf. No way do I want to wear matching clothes desu!
Currently slacking and thinking of layouts. Actually, I have a rather pretty one in storage still considering on using it.
Realization: I've been sitting for over 2 hours and my hair isn't dry yet....HURRY UP!!! *tugs hair* It's not very long, but it seems to take -ages- to dry!
Anyways, copied Watari-san's way of tying hair cos it's irritating when it's all over your face. 1# Bunch it in your hand 2#Loop it 3# Tuck it in the collar of your shirt. Works actually!!~ XD XD funnnn..Mnnnmmmnnn...Blueberru shampoo smells wonderful....Love it love it love it love it.
To sound like a sentimental fool, I use blueberry shampoo cos it reminds me of leXis and makes her seem closer somehow.
Munched lotsa rubbish, and I'm pretty sure that I taste like a chocolate chip cookie........But they're so GOOD!!! OoooooooOOOoooo...Marks and Spencer makes the best cookies on kafe!!` Alex gave me a very nice compliment today, she liked my drawings!~ So happy~~~~~~~except that she's now bugging me to do more. Alex as in Alexandra, not Alexiel cos I know too many "Alex"s in the world. But I call all of them Alex anyways. *shrugs*
It's one thing to be possesed by spirits but another if you're possesed by the past.
Read my stack of fanfics and now I'm bored and bored and bored....My mom says that the Queen of Darkness by Anne Bishop will only come in next week and I'm waiting and waiting...Lalallalala~~~
leXis if you're reading this I just want to let you know that I love you *glomp* cos I can't seem to get you online.
Feeling abit drained. I'm not angsty or anything, just tired. It seems like everything has to ahve my attention AT ONCE, and it's hard to sort them out neatly. On a better note, I think that I'm FINALLY over the self-pity, angst, teenage depression et al. Being in love is an added bonus too~ It's over *shrugs* So if anyone comes running telling me like "You're using me!" or "I've only tried to make you happy *insert large amounts of self pity*" I'll just politely tell you to *&% off. Really. I'm not jaded or anything, it's just that if you can put so much bloody effor into making others sympathize and pity you, I'm sure you could ALSO pick yourself and stop whinging about unfairness of humanity.
Kind happy-ish cos of the National Day holiday! Means that I can finally sleep and ZZZZzzzzzzZzzZzZ....*smiles dreamily* Feels like everything is floating and everyone is in a little bubble and the light is streaming down shining *pikepika*So nice glowy and warmmm..*sighs* I just feel so ....fragmented.
PS. After round of listening to Mizerable, found out that he can't speak French either. Les Miserable is pronounced as "Le Miserab" and it's not "Mai-zer-rable" either. Speak Good Language campaign! XD XD *have I been indoctrinated?*
love
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 11:41 p.m.]
Listening to: Mizerable - Gackt (prolly the only one worth listening) and Shine - Space Brothers (Oakenfold remix)
The view from the comp is amazingly good, as in picture perfect good, because it's situated near the balcony and I have a wonderful view of treetops, construction work (>.<) and sky. I'm very lucky ~
Had tuition and realized that the best laid plans always go wrong. It's always an unforeseen issue and happens all the time! Sheesh......
I don't know how to explain it....*bites lip* Sometimes I wonder whether I'm not really that special and the ability to "sense" is just another delusion and part of an overactive imagination. Problem is, most people are sorta stuck in between when it comes to deciding about me and my uhh...."sensing". People like Li Cheng et al think I'm psychic and others just don't believe in it *shrugs* I feel torn sometimes, the people who think I'm psychic expect super duper results like mind reading while the other side is usually either a)horrified or b)shocked when I "sense" accurately. Am I a freak?
No matter.....Alex is teaching me how to shield since I have trouble controlling resposes. Oh well, that's good for me, but I wonder if Alex is willing to teach someone who goes "berserk" very easily. (like the last time I accidently caught something and ended up crying for no damn reason except that the person whom I caught was crying too)
I wonder how leXis is...........haven't seen her online and ish kinda worried.
Hmnnnnn....I don't feel like blogging much since I feel fragmented. Like bits of pieces and people and I can't seem to collect all the bits together to form a proper Thought. Ah well....prolly need sleep.
love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 07:55 p.m.]
Suuuuuuuuukkkiiiiiiiiii........................................
Listening to: Mizerable and Sekiray- Gackt.
Kekekkeke....have Science Prat after this and it sounds like fun!~! Testing and qualitative anaylsis!~ w00t~! I likkkkeee.....And classes aren't getting worse, they're getting better! We're now on 3-D Trigo and it's waaayyy more fun than the 2-D counterpart!
I just understood the reason why I absolutely disliked religions. It's just plain indoctrination! Subimal messaging through music!!~!! Arrraghhh!!!
Anyways, after 1 month plus of slouching and proscastinating, I'm going to finish all that I've started. So I've cleaned up 2 of my most important drawings and added colour. I'll be painting soon too!~
I'm glad that leXis seems to be happy in Shanghai! I hope she doesn't feel lonely and all~ Take care.....
Hmnnnn.........Issit me or can you all sense that -something- is about to happen? I dunno, queer feeling lately and it's purpley cloudy and highly highly grounded. Happy still though~! Mmmmnnnn......I'm getting hungry, I wish for cup of coffee and cookies with chocolate chunks in it. *drools* Damn, when you're in morning school you don't get nice lazy mornings..*sighs regretfully*
Reminder: Buy some pretty letter writing paper. Preferberly pink.
I'm kinda happy and contented (except that I'm -hungry-) and life's a joy. I've decided it isn't worth my hate so I'll just pity the person and try to help that person out. Discreetly. That's the best I can do to salvage whatever's left of his/her soul. Right. Plus I don't like holding grudges, doesn't feel good anyways.
Love and a heartfelt glomp!
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 11:08 a.m.]
Damn you to the lowest levels of hell. But don't worry, I remember well and justice will be aptly given back to you Judas.
I hate you.
PS. Congrats for teaching me well, you have the dubious honour of being the first one I hate.
With much poision
Me
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 11:30 p.m.]
Listening to: Borderline - Gaberiela Robin (Macross)
Had a rather lovely day today. Sandy said I was pretty!!~~ XD XD I love compliments!~School was half day only and we had absolutely nothing in the morning. Judith had brought her portfolio and we had fun choosing titles for them. I think Mrs Dolloway's line had to be my favourite. And yes, she used my perfectly pretty line and credited it to some Prof Tze whatevers. Because she said that Mr Tan would be surprised. Huh. Anyways, it was quite well-taken and 3 of them have a layout quality. I might not be in photography but basic drawing skills is more or less the same. Proportion, colour, balance. Twas quite fun and I thoroughly enjoyed making titles!~
Blood and roses
Control and turmoil
Light and midnight
Obsidian bright
Smoke and mirrors
Flesh and ash
Heartbeat and death
Kiss and hatred
Snow bright red blood
Somehow, this just ran into my head when I met Zero-san. She has that feel about her. Like, she wasn't really there and her eyes where like obsidian from the Twisted Kingdom. Am I making sense? Well, just to note, she feels like smoke and ash, tastes like dying summer. I've never seen a grey like her before.
*shrugs* Ah well, wonders of meeting people. For one thing, I've never met anyone who was teal and tasted like rain. If you know anyone call me okay?
Back to my (dull) life, finished school and decided not to go with Mari, Audy and Natz and Co.. Mainly cos I don't really know them that well and it's well....I'm kinda shy of strangers plus sometimes when my intuition goes overdrive I become kinda crazy. Better not risk it. So I went book hunting. Decided to go to Kino first since I know'em well.
Took 162 to Orchard
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B
U
S
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T
R
I
P
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Kinokuniya didn't have any! Nevermind, told meself and went to Borders
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W
A
L
K
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Borders didn't have! Oh the horror! Last choice, went to Holland Village
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B
U
S
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T
R
I
P
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Finally at a second hand bookstore I found it. Spent close to 1.80 on bus trips and fares.....Ughuuuuu. Quite digusting really. 2 MAJOR BOOKSTORES! 1 PUBLIC LIBARAY! AND NO BOOK! Says a lot about the literati in S'pore. Anyways, settled down at Delifrance, ordered a set and coffee and sat there for close to 2 hours. The staff had changed (thankfully) and was amazing polite. Thank goodness.
The food is much better and fairly reasonable too. Hmnnn...*settles into large red sofa* I might actually enjoy it here.
Finished the book, went for tuition and had a rather wonderful day just FOR myself. It's just nice to be alone once in a while. I like people, but being alone is equally fantastic. I just sit back, relax and drink my sweet coffee (no milk please). Dark and sweet. Love it.
Enjoy it darling, it's just the beginning or life and afterlife
My hair smells like blueberry and honey again. Like it like it like it XD XD. It just feels like I dunked myself in blueberry pancake syrup. XD XD I like nothing more than sugar desu.....^___________^ Talked to Erieko-chan and some more, didn't get my Illuminati but found something to do.
Oh yeah, Auddy, you can borrow the next book from me, just give me back in pretty condition.
love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 09:50 p.m.]
Listening to: Black Eyed Peats with Justin Timberlake - Where is the Love? *note: this is a GREAT song, despite it's pop-ness*
Just a personal note, I don't believe that Gackt's bday is July and that he's a Cancerian. It doesn't make sense. He's too competitive and has a mutable quality. I'll bet he's Gemini or Scorpio. Certainly fits him more than Cancer would. *shrugs*
Sleeepy desu, woke up to the BANG BANG sound of construction woke, got fed up, took a pillow and threw it at the door yelling "shaddup!" Now, Tsu might be nice and all, but Tsu in the morning is ANYTHING but nice. She's sort grumpy and cranky until she's eaten something. Usually sweet (How can Gackt live on kimchi???????!!!! EWWWWWWWW!!!) Anyways, had no tuition cos I had it yesterday and man, tuition sucks.
I just feel really awful and Yu~ki today. I feel absolutely childish so here goes: It's like I had Science tuition and it sucked absolutely. I just felt terrible. *sighs* Complained I asked too many questions, that I didn't revise, has an "idle" attitude. Yet, when I asked them if they would teach me, it's always "later later" but they expected me to know!!~ How would I know that there was such things as thermal stability when you don't bother teaching me? It's just not right. You can't expect someone to know if you don't teach ne? I can't fly if you don't even teach me how to walk.......
Right. Maybe I'm just pissed.
Sometimes, y'know, when I actually feel like waking up in the morning, I think I can see another world. It's pale gold, yellow bright, pink rose. Lakes of sky blue, land of teal green. And it's sparkling. What do the French call this again? Le Ciel, I think. The Sky.
Here it goes I think:
Slivery briller
Brillant la lumière dorée Sur la façon laiteuse
Flottant dans une danse interminable
Tout dans la cosmologie
Le ciel
I'm sorry if I got it wrong, my French is terrible at best and I've never written poetry in French before, I do apologize.
Lalalala.....I'm in a strange mood today, I don't feel like anything. I feel like I'm not there, just a shadow of myself. It's like drowning or flying. Strange that they're so much alike.
Unbidden shadows of yesterday
I'm running away
Interrupting life again
A new beginning
Here and there now, I feel I've been wasting freedom
Even though I may be alone but that's okay
Held me down, tried to kill me tried to kill me, kill me with the pleasure
I don't make much sense. I'm not writing about leXis (which is strange) I'm just writing about music. One day those voices will kill me kill me hard and kiss me with my blood. I don't care anymore I'm drowning and flying so high and the sky, le ciel, is so bright that it seems like I've just found the shining light Confusion and half done It's just the music now and that's all I can see and think Did you know that everything isn't real and it doesn't matter cos there's no inside and there's nothing just nothing and nothing scares me so I want to run and hide I don't make sense but oh well cos I just want to rant and taste it and the shadows never let go but it doesn't matter cos white is scarier than shadows and I'm scared of white blank white cos white is nothing and even voices are better than white nothing I don't like white nothing cos white is scary and cold and distant and not human it scares me like a porclein doll scares me with empty eyes bright smile and no soul black has soul black in the shade of comfort and womb and rebirth I am safe in there cos shadows will cover and save me I'm scared but's okay cos there's people who help me with their shadows
I don't know anymore
love
very disorientated tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:21 p.m.]
Which Gackt are you most like?
quiz by
mcvarmazi
I am an old school Gackt fan!
What kind of Gackt fan are you?
quiz by
mcvarmazi
I am Gackt's exotic look!
Which Gackt hairstyle are you most like?
yet another crazy Gackt quiz
by
mcvarmazi
I am the Christmas special with Ayumi Hamasaki!
Which Gackt TV appearance are you?
quiz by acesquad.com
Which Gackt are you most like?
quiz by
mcvarmazi[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 07:57 p.m.]
Listening to: Malice Mizer- Beast of Blood. Just to note, why do people listen to such -horrifyingly- violent music? It's savagely beautiful. Ughuuuuuuuuu >.<
I woke up this morning
In an ordinary world
What has happened to me now?
Where is the life I recognize?
Should I cry for yesterday?
Or wait for tomorrow?
Woke up and did everything I had to. Rushed to Changi, ended up in SEMBAWANG. *groans* I have a lousy sense of direction it seems. RAN LIKE HELL through the airport. I can tell you that I lost a decade in my life waiting on the train, counting every minute, every second. *dies* I was so scared. //pleasejustletmesaygoodbyepleasejustletmesaygoodbye// that she'll walk through the door without a glomp. *weird morbid Sept 11 stuff floats* Okay, I was just -a bit- paranoid........
Cos you left for the Milky Way on your jet plane
Catching the stars that fell your way
I'm stranded back on Earth
Looking up to the above
It seems so close
Yet so far and so cold
I could just reach out and touch you
Grasping on to empty air
But that's just it isn't it?
Delusional reality, that's what we live in
Delusional reality, we actually believe in
Delusional reality, is anything true anymore?
Maybe we're just playing a game of endless make-believe
But yet the taste of fantasy never left us
Of what It Could Have Been
Can you feel it too?
It smothers like honey
The how's why's and maybe's
T'was serendipity
Or was it chance?
"click" and chemistry?
One whirlwind romance
One declaration of love
Warm hands
and first kisses
I don't know what you believe in
Delusional reality, maybe we've just hit the truth
Delusional reality, is what I believe in
Delusional reality, I live in it,
do you?
Went for school project aka history. No one came. Damn....*mutters*
Went for tuition and mass (complusory) plus I felt better after praying for leXis's safety. (yah, so what?) I think I might have scared the prefect though *giggle* muwhahaha.... Came home at 7pm and zonked out.
leXis gave me the blueberry shampoo.
May I comment that I love her for that and that it smells absolutely wonderful?
Maybe I am a retarded lovesick fool.
goodnight over at the Middle Kingdom
love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 12:13 a.m.]
DAEMON X LUCIVAR~!!!~~!~! *bounces perkily*
WAIIII~~~~!! Read the Black Jewels Trilogy ^_________________^ DAEMON X LUCIVAR Oh kafe, they make such a WONDERFUL yaoi pair it ain't funny anymore *big shiny eyes* FIC!!!~~!
*Side thought*
D'you that when after you wash your hair and dry it, after a while it'll have this wonderfully cool texture like slik? It's not wet but slightly damp and feels cool and dry? So nice to touch *sighs*
Talked to many and talked to some and had some fun. Class was weird. I did it again. I want to scrub myself. *scrubs* Always makes me feel so dirty and unclean. I lost myself again. Oh God, I'm so disappointed with myself-disappointed doesn't do it. I'm digusted!.
I hate me
I'm just a whore to every desire
I lust for fame and power
I broke my promise to myself that I would NEVER do it again.
I don't deserve anyone. I'm not a Tenshi anymore.
I swore never to do this kind of thing again after what happened when I was 12. I made a promise never to desire it again. I admit it, I love attention, power in all it's glory. Teasing, tantalizing, just beyond my reach....I could just open my palm and HOLD it *shudders* I'm scared. I won't be me anymore. I won't be there anymore. Tsu won't be there. Raylia won't be there. And they'll all leave me! I'll just turn into a husk longing for power and fame.....
I don't want to be like that.
Even I would rather die
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 08:48 p.m.]
I just realized I didn't post the HORROR of saturday....Recap recap recap...
Saturday
Had to run the stupid 2.4 km run. Now, I'm the kind who simply HATE running and every step is a toture. We came early but due to the other classes, we were the last to run and therefore had to run when the stupid sun was sorching hot at 11pm. Arrragghhhh...Ran and cam up with a lousy timing of 21 mins. Somehow, I'm not surprised due to the fact that a)I like to swim more b)I HATE it c)Life sucked.
After that, all of us (Melo, Auddy et al) hopped over to 7-11 to buy slushies SLUSHIESSSSSSSSSSSSS!~!!. They had an amazingly wonderful sweet sour flavour called Soucerer's Blue and it's wonderful and fantastic. XD XD XD Only good thing in this day.
Today
I FEEL AWFUL. I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE SOON. *dies* Arraghhh...I've been sneezing and sneezing the whole day I look like Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer and I FEEL AWFUL. I'm on antiboitics again and it makes me feel bad cos I DON'T LIKE THEM. I feel crappy and tempremental and like my brain fluid is leaking out of my ears .AAAAHHHHHHHHGHJHG~!
*sniffs*lo-*sneeze*-ve
very pissy tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 03:24 p.m.]
Achooo achoo achoo...melody of sneeze
Listening to: Gundam Seed - Atasuki no Kurama
Wahhh...this song is so pretty... Want to sing it for MAC :D Gomenasai for not coming to school, felt sick and weak this morning. //Baka TSU!// Have a stupid cold and flu *sneezes* can't seem to stop sneezing...and it seems like Mizu-chan is sick also...*achoo!* The green pills are icky *ewwwwwwww* but the rest are okay. Tastes like plastic but they supposedly make you feel better. *grossed out* EWWWWW!!!
Waiiiiii....leXis doesn't have a comp so she's not online T________________T but it's okay!! *raises hand* I have her hotel phone number!!!~ XD XD XD ahhhh...the joys of being persistent....My mom says taht if I work in Zhuhai I can take a detour to Shanghai when I'm done and see leXis~!!~! wheeeeeeeeeeeee~!!! *bounces* Got her a lovely present too! But secret desu~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *big smiley XD*
erieko, Tokyo Babylon is the predessor of X, featuring Seishirou Sakurazuka and Subaru Sumergai ^^ It's MUCH better than X though and the storyline is better with a evil twist in the end. It's in 7 volumes and it's really fantastic!
Waiii..have tuition at 4.30 and gonna buy the kamakumi card paper for sis and maybe some orgiami ones as well.
I'm still thinking of you
But it doesn't hurt so much now
Because I don't see you
Everything is fragile
Undercurrents
But it is still hidden there
I think that angst mood is coming soon. Should get offline before I feel even worse...
Love especially to you
WACKO tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 02:21 p.m.]
Ara...*sweatdrops* Turn it down *please?*
Listening to : various Jrockers making out Gundam Seed something...^^;; VERY NICE though
Called leXis yesterday but the phone just rang and rang and rang. She wasn't in. DAMN. *mutters curses* Oh well, her mom just came home and I suppose she's busy packing...
If I make another sappy retarded love poetry I'm going to kill myself.
Well, to answer most questions. I'm not really sure whether I'm bi or what. Currently I'm just confused. *hangs signboard: Sexually Confused Tsu* So yeah, I dunno.
School was okay but extremely dull. I feel bored. And, is it me or does IJ really hate RGS? *wonders* It's blind haterd based on zero evidence and cultivated by the seniors to indoctrinate the young. Stupidity never fails to amaze me.
I'm kinda sleepy, so I think I'll go home and nap. Or call leXis.
PS. Remind me to buy blueberry shampoo XD
love
ts>
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 03:14 p.m.]
Of electric violins and violets
Listening to: Malice Mizer-Le Ciel, Gackt-Mizerable but mostly X Japan- Longing~
Yoshiki is just too damn good looking for his own kafe good. *dies* OMG, now that I'm listening to J-rock on daily basis, I have zillions of fanfic ideas waiting to be //Will you two PLEASE stop folicking at that CORNER????// *points to Yoshiki and Toshi* I'm dying here.....And in the next room, Gackt and Mana are arguing AGAIN! *kicks all jrockers out of her head* ARGH.
Keep on thinking of you all day and night
Yesterday was Poetry Night and it was okay, execept that I wished leXis was here cos she would have liked it and would have been amused at some of the more -idiotic- poetry. Plus it was a beautiful night and there were stars sparkling so pretty....*sighs* Went filming with Chere at least she's much better than our mentally inept president. Saw many people, mostly dull with a couple of exceptions. //hi Natz~~!! Mari~!!! and Lorena!!//
I wish I shared the endless night with you
Poetry Night was strange, it felt like it was only meant for people in ELDDS and we were just watching the surface of everything. I felt so alone. It's times like this I jsut wish I was back at home where I could rely on comfort. Saw many people I liked and not really liked. Met Claudia aka Judith's very good friend. Hmnnnmmn...*ponders*
In my monochromic world
Life went by with greys and blacks
but you came along
bringing the colour of red love with you
I don't really write songs, but I'm -trying-. After only much pushing have I gotten back to writing. Truth is, I don't really like it. Oh yeah, found the PERFECT present for leXis when she leaves XD
I'm trying to be happy just for you
Do I really sound lovesick?
Breathe into love
Breathe into life
Oxygen in the heart
I'm just randomly speaking. I'm confused. I can't concentrate
I'm so high when I'm with you
I can scrape the sky
Just remember to breathe
I'm not thinking anymore
Just before you leave. Sayonara
love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 02:35 p.m.]
Lalalalalala~ Blueberry Shampoo *goes off to buy*
Hmnnn...since it seems like the whole *world* knows I went out with leXis I might as well say everything. *looks at toraneko and various people* So, how many did ya tell?
Rushed from IPW lab and sprinted down various corridors cause I thought I was late. Now, if you don't know, 162 is one of those buses that simply don't understand time. It comes every 13 mins! Anyways, lucky me, I escaped from the clutches of various people and ran for safety at the bustop.
For those who didn't know I had butterflies in my stomach the whole day
Anyways, she was there, doing her homework I think and said hi!!!!~ OMG. waiiiiiiiiiiii~!!!!!!!!~~! *sparkles* Know that absoluetly wonderful feeling that YES! you have met someone that you could really really like? YEPPY! I had that undescriable feeling...yessshheeeee...*me knows it* She was so nice and offered to buy me lunch~!!!~! Whheee!~!! But I was so happy I wasn't really hungry, I was just happy floating perfect happy bouncy happy just happy happy elated happy exultant happy extremely happy superfidious happy.....XD XD XD XD
We talked about nothing. We talked about everything. I don't know what we talked about but it was fun~~! Talked and talked and talked and talked...you get the idea. She's funny, she's guai, she's smart and intelligent *rants on about the virtues of leXis* and she's really nice and sweet too. *smiles dreamily* waaiiiiiiiiiiii~!!!!~
Mkes me wonder sometimes why she'd ever go out with me when she's so perfect.
Saw a couple of small kids, 3 girls and twas very cute. Except that leXis liked young boys/girls (OMG!!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S BELOW 5 FOR KAFE'S SAKE) Anyways they were quarrelling and crying so I did my best to cheer them up. Sort of. Dunno......but she stopped crying so I suppose it's okay. Despite the fact that my ice lemon tea got slobbered on. LOL I don't really mind, after all I have so many cousins and all. Then it was late and she had to go home.
She smells of blueberry shampoo. *sparkles*
It was raining and she was limping slightly *gomen ne!!!* so I held her hand *am I justifying the purpose of holding her hand cos I actually wanted to? answer: YES* And we walked to the MRT station. Hand in hand *roses sparkles everything violin muisic from heaven* SHE LET ME HOLD HER HAND. *dies happily* Oh kafeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....*BIG SIMLE :)* Too bad it was a short walk or at least, felt like a short walk. We didn't talk much, but why need words when there's compaionable silence?
I'm so happy I could die right now.
Reached the MRT station, she was just standing there and I glomped her. She smelt like blueberry shampoo and summer fruits. Warm sunshiney, like winter's light which is soft and comforting and warm and all, her fingers were so cold *I was kinda worried for a while* but inside she's like winter's light. The glomp gave me courage
I must be dreaming all, we're on to something
I must be dreaming for, don't fall in love obviously,
I must be dreaming love, pinch me to waking,
Someone cannot be yours, as long as you're losing
so completely
I kissed her on the cheek.
I can't remember except that it felt nice to do it and I really didn't want to know how she felt. So I turned really quickly and wished her luck and left. DAMN ME. I'm a frikkin coward I'm sorry. I was so scared that she'll reject me or something or dunno. It's just strange that someone so wonderful is actually going out with me. Me as in normal messed rant-ish overtly sensitive noisy troublesome me. And she's like wow! *dazed* perfect.
I really couldn't care less what other people think. But I *do* care what she thinks. Big difference.
For now, I'll just be :)
lovey dovey happy tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:41 p.m.]
rant alert aka tsu is being whiny
Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair Life is Unfair
love
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:35 p.m.]
I'm happy/sad.
Happy because I met a wonderful person whom I can actually talk to that is funny, brillant and amazingly fantastically splendiflously perfect. I don't know if you knows she's that wonderful, but she is to me!~ It could be a start of a beautiful friendship!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we like the same things too~!
Bad
She's leaving for China next week
Life is just goddamn unfair sometimes.
tsu
[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 08:07 p.m.]