Antipasti
I'm jetlagged as hell, and still spinning from vertigo.
ARGH ZOMG THE WEATHER IS SO HOT.
Please forgive me, I've been travelling for the last 25 hours.
7 hours on a train....
12 hours on a plane...
and godknowshow many wasted in transit
Anyway, here's a list of people whom I've bought for, if your name is on the list please contact me before christmas. (unless it's like err...your christmas present hahaha)
List
Mr James - Firenze chocolate migone
Kero - Capri chocolate limonelle
Kurokaze - Capri chocolate limonelle
Audy - SECRETZ!
Sak - SECRETZ!
Anyway, here's the combined shopping that sis and I bought. Don't look so stunned okay? I think we spent around 400 euros together hahaha (zomg! no more $$ for lolita!)
stuff we bought
1 truffle oil
1 balsamic vinegar (28 years)
1 extra virgin olive oil
2 olive oil
1 set of Firenze letter paper
2 rosaries
1 limeocello (lemon alcohol)
1 persecco (sparkling champange sweet)
1 vin santo (white sweet wine)
1 chianpagelle salami (wild boar salami)
1 poscruitto dolce (sweet smoked ham)
2 limencello Capri chocolates
1 Firenze migone chocolates
1 mixed assortment of chocolates Migone
1 Sak's present (SECRETZ!)
1 audy's present (NO I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING)
1 aya's present (DON'T LOOK AT ME LIDDAT)
1 Murano glass butterfly
1 Murano glass cross
2 Venetian letter paper set
7 Venetian handmade note+sketchbooks
2 packets of Mikado (high class Pocky)
2 packets of Instant Chocolate Mix
1 packet of Creme Patissier
1 packet Squid Ink Pasta
2 packets Assorted Pasta
5 art books - Degas, Van Gogh, Munch, Monet, Da Vinci (!!!!)
1/2 wheel of Percorino (sheep's cheese)
Okay now here's the kicker:
Most of the stuff couldn't be handcarried due to the EU regulations, so I had to keep it in my luggage. Some of the chocolate snapped and broke, but nothing tore. If you don't want it - please give it back so I can give it to someone else.
Oh yeah....Those people coming for Christmas dinner - ZOMG YOU GET TO TRY EVERYTHING! We're having almost *almost* everything for christmas! Please wait for your handwritten (Venetian paper) invites!
Okay back to reading 7 days' worth of mail.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:43 p.m.+
Bring me that horizon
I'll be leaving in....2! hours!
The escapist in me is shrieking with joy
Anyway everything is packed
And I'm slightly excited~~~:D
I keep telling myself I deserve a holiday anyway so I don't feel too guilty about not being in SG
Ahhh....sufferances....
It's amazing how great the timing is
Before I can even start angsting and deliberating over What Happened/What Didn't at Prom - I'm whisking myself off on a holiday and putting everything behind me.
I don't want to hope too much, because it's more fun to be surprised than disappointed, but if I ever do get a chance to catch that glorious Italian sunset......I'll problably die happy (after a last gelato though)
Promising to bring back chocolates for you guys!
Remember to catch up!
seeya all!
love (especially to audy <3<3<3 x 7)
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:56 p.m.+
End of the Long Summer
There was once an enchanted boy
A very strange enchanted boy
he travelled very far - over hills and mountains....
Today I hid my head inside my blanket, and tried not to wake up. Waking up is like saying that you're ready to face the world (and yesterday night) in this cold, cold light of the day. So hide yourself inside blankets, tuck your head under the pillow, wrench yourself from wakefulness and sink back into comforting darkness.
To begin, rewind us to the night, and night before.
Prom (and everything else expressed)
Met audy at 12.30 and I was really happy. Gloriously delighted to see her, then we went shopping. <3<3<3 It was fun in the most ordinary kind of way, and I realized how much I really really missed her. Sometimes it's like absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, but rather more forgetful. And I'm sorry sometimes, that I forget. Then we forget what made each other so special in the first place.
Audy came over and zomg! Sak, Kiwi and sis were already there and playing GGX and FFXII. Fun! I almost didn't want to go for prom because I was so happy there. I mean it was everyone I liked in one place - how couldn't I be happy? It was like that old quote: better a dinner of herbs with friends than stalled ox with strangers But then. The entire purpose they came was to watch me dress up and all.
When it was all completed (not that it took much, I just used lipstick and sunscreen and that was it) I felt I wasn't myself. That face in the mirror wasn't me. Like an uncomfortable skin, palimpest over my own - unfittingly so.
I missed wearing glasses.
They're so much more protective.
Anyway I was late, and the moment I walked in I heard people gasping/muttering. I'm not so sure about the gasps (problably of shock and horror) but the muttering I definitely heard. I just pretended not to. It was like being a butterfly - brightly coloured but flutteringly nervous. I was quaking in my heels. My intention was to dress as Red Riding Hood for fun - and I ended up feeling like one.
This dark dark ballroom
Of faces I couldn't recognize
That even familar faces seemed like masks
I was frightened. Really really frightened.
In the end I sat with Glen, Jiaxiang and Graham which wasn't too bad, except I didn't know who the girls were. Gave out my flowers then I remembered OMG I left Alicia's present at home, so I quickly sms-ed my mom. Then when dinner started I gave out most of my flowers and *finally* found the girls in my class. Then I saw Jin Da and asked him to help me find Gabriel Tan, and then Zhouyang came over and said he was feeling shy, so I shouldn't go and look for him. But by then I was pretty much determined to - I wanted all my nightmares to end.
*insert long explaination-story*
EVERY SINGLE TIME I see him I get nightmares. Not normal ones, but ones that run like a continous memory and I wake up feeling naseasous and wanting to cry. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It's like some pastlife curse or bad omen. And when I woke up that morning, I knew what I had to do. I just had to apologize and it would end. I wanted it to end. I wanted it to end completely. So. Tulips. I had to find blue tulips. And after searching for them the entire afternoon I wasn't going to let his "shyness" stop me.
So when Zhouyang went to be messenger boy I simply followed him - it wasn't really hard, he doesn't move very fast and well, he's large. So it was easy. And then I apologized. I don't know whether he took my apology or not, at this point I was just desperate that the nightmares would stop. I don't want to see organ replications, Micheal dying, or that sick sick sick sick sick pear thing-whatever or Number 8 or that bloody place EVER EVER EVER again.
It comes to the point that on 30th's morning, I was so frightened and sick that I woke up rushing to the bathroom to puke water.
the dreams of which I'm dying seems the best I ever had
The only thing I want to know is what happened. What happened next. But...........I don't know, does he or does he not remember? Is this real anyway? Are these dreams...or past memories? If so, whose memories are they? Who the hell am I? What the hell am I?
What soul did I take, being in this bodily vessel?
Anyway. Whatever. There's nothing to lose at this point. So I apologized and did it. Then I felt as though I did a difficult task, as though a weight was lifted and I was just so....so...tired. I stayed next to Jiaxiang and Glen after that and he was like "don't sleep during your prom!"
Oh yeah, I got nominated to be Prom Queen ahhahahahaha
I thought they got the name wrong
I mean, I'm not drop dead gorgeous or anything
(which makes me think that they sabo-ed me into it)
I'm glad I didn't win though
It would have been too strange, too awkward.
Then maybe I thought I'll take a picture of him
But anyway he said no, and I shrugged it off
It doesn't matter, I tried my best
And that's enough.
Then as early as I possibly could (after staying through the worst dinner ever - the dessert was so ew.) I just left. Said my goodbyes and left like that.
And for once, I didn't dream of anything
Not a single nightmare.
No pale yellow urine colour organs
No dark hallways and green mist
No luminous shadows
No one dying
No screaming
Just....nothing.
Does it mean it worked? Does it make it true?
I don't know.
I think maybe I don't want to know.
Some things are better left as meaningless dreams.
---------------------------
I just felt so...blase
End of the school year, end of some friendships
And all I felt was this yawning emptiness
Gulf - seperated, segregated
I feel like I'm a percipeice
wondering if I should jump off or walk off
went to school and I was very nervous
no one knew me
no one knew me
[look right through me]
But....rejoice! I'm at the end of my Singapore Education!
London here I come!
-----------------------
S Lit
S Lit was hilarious.
As in seriously nutjob hilarious.
I was terminally suffering from ExamStress
Then realized I really couldn't give a fuck about the exam.
Anyway instead of writing normal essays
For the practical criticism, I wrote a sonnet at the end
For the modernist question, I switched to 2nd person
For the "differences in understanding", I said I hated Shakespeare and V.S Naipaul
It was fun~ but I don't know...
Will problably fail and get an "U"
But then...I took S Lit not because of scholarships
but because I truly enjoyed Literature
So therefore, it doesn't matter what mark I get
because I achieved my goal; "enjoying literature"
After that went Orchard to buy Alicia's present and trashy magazines, then went to Cafe Russo and bought myself 4!cakes which I wolfed down in 10mins. I was a happy, cream-filled tsu <3
Anyway now I should be really packing for Italy
But I'll call Mr James first
cheers and love!
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:20 p.m.+
Game over
I feel like flying.
Like the sound of the word; flight.
Stand
watching bouquets of traffic lights
flowering, reflowering rhythms within
with rain-wet eyes; look up
the signs are moving
each meanings signifying
all greatest pleasure
all deepest sorrow
waiting-
[hold your hand my hand in your hold]
It's 12 hours to freedom. I can taste it in on my lips. Like capiscicum, like drugs. Constricting your throat in speechlessness, the inarticulation of sheer joy.
Like during my exam it was surreal. To think of irrelevant things: Veronica Mars episodes, and sing The Final quietly under my breath. I thought of everything and nothing at once - as though my life was enclipsed in a second of absolute randomness. A movement, a change, a verb.
blue A, red B, green C
strung score of colour - ah. Rainbow.
the -ah-, the -bh-, the -ch-
make music
make words
To feel alive, is such a great gift. How do people live their lives without feeling alive? It struck me - like that, that I never wanted to live like that.
I can't explain.
I'm trying too hard to tell you.
Call it a day.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:24 p.m.+
kena die
okay.
3 more days to go.
Someone kill me now pls pls pls
it'll be a mercy, not a crime.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:15 p.m.+
Climbing up to the moon
I'm climbing the moon.
It's in the last lap, and I'm stuck in a crater
But I'm climbing up to the moon.
It sucks you know, to be stuck in exams whilst everyone who has already finished.
Anyway...
I THINK I'M GOING TO FAIL ART
I'm doing 3 weeks worth of prep in 3 days
It's like a mental suicide
....damning myself to hell
.....ye Gods of earth, stompage on tsu
*sighs*
Bad luck is on me.
To add the cherry on the cake is that ZOMG FOR PROM MY TABLE IS NEXT TO T22. Which means, I'll be like.........less than 1 metre away from Mrs Sng and Gabriel Tan. *does a sportfle* I want to die okay? CAN YOU IMAGINE. I'M SO FREAKED I'M USING CAPS. The thing is I'll be in a frikkin dress and I can't run away in a frikkin dress. Especially in heels. It's not that I'm terrified of him (actually I am, but I'm not going to admit it *denial denial denial*) It's just that whenever he's around my danger!radar just goes haywire with signals and I get really, really paranoid.
And no one wants to leave with me, and my mom is DETERMINED for me to go. The determination Ceasar has over conquering Gaul (now France). So I'll have to .....soldier on *freaks out* I swear I'm not normally like that. It's just POWER HUNGRY SCIOPATHIC FREAKS OF NATURE people like that that freak me out.
PANIC!
okay I should get back to work.
ZOMG I WANT TO DIEEEEEEE
SUICIDE IS THE PROOF OD LIFE REMEMBER?!?!?!?
I'M SO PANICKY I'M USING A GAZILLION CAPS!!!
*panicpanicpanic*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:49 p.m.+
Train post
I love train rides.
I was listening, in that odd, unblinking way the feel of silky air and misty ground - the rain like circles, till it's hard to take. Then I was half-asleep, half-floating really - on air and sleepiness and lack of food.
and I watched the passing train
distrubed a curling hair
and shook the glass of my face
how such amber light
seasoned stations
just hold
And I remember how the rain seemed to sputter.
In plats and splats and drippy drops
from the farthest shore
all shadows were white
watch the sky closing in
[rushed]
Train music in rain I think, should be like the sound of echoes and pianos and drizzling rain in electronica. Like harsh and muffled, sickeningly melachonlic, subtly maudlin. A sigh of a sound.
my mini-venice floats in the sky
of train tracks and highways
sitting at the tail bone end of a snaking spine
When I looked down, everything was in white mist.
I could be flying.
I could be at sea.
I could be floating.
But really, it's just MRT.
xD
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:29 p.m.+
Mad World Powers
Listening to: Lisa Loeb and Donnie Darko OST
The Donnie Darko OST makes me want to go rent the movie. Anyway, I'll problably watch it during Christmas with Sak and Sis and everyone else until we get too tired and the screen flickers and Aya falls asleep from all the mou-ing. Movies! Christmas! I've already decided to get Swing Girls (same guy as Waterboys). It'll be cool. I think last year everyone K.O'ed when we hit on Iron Ladies part II though :D
Oh yeah, when I woke up today my hair was standing up 'cos I accidentally forgot to tie it before sleeping and it was just....floofy in the morning. Urgh. Electrocuted! My mom thought it was hilarious ahahaha
Lit paper 5 was a near-disaster. The HMT question was annoyingly hard. Annoyingly. The essay question was hard to score simply because of the sheer content, and the context question (which I did) was relatively easy in terms of skills, but TEDIOUS. It was almost a line-by-line anaylsis. Bleh. I should have never done this question first. It took up too much of my time, and I should have spent it on Blake instead. gwfekagweuhhjhjhARRRGHHHH.
LDJ was surprisingly normal. The essay question (which I did) was show how O'Neill's play is one of sorrow and his dramatic techniques something like that. I just picked two passages from The Last Tableau (aka. cheem way of saying final scene) I was all angsty and anguish and never transcending and inexorable journey into night. Sometimes I felt so pek chek (heart pain) about it I felt I was going off tangent. But yeah, I think I picked the right passages. I hope I didn't go too off the point anyway.
Blake was horrible.
Horror horrifying horrible. <---(random note: that's known as polypoton)
Anyway since I had art and S lit still, I didn't really feel cheery. Instead I grounched and sulked with Alex who grounched and sulked with me as we totally ignored poor Kunal who was following Alex like a kicked puppy. Grounching.
Perfect enough, it started to rain.
----------Long Train Ride---------
----------Posting Tomorrow---------
Met mahmah and gujie (trans: fraternal grandmother, fraternal aunt) at Jurong Point for lunch at Mos in which they enquired about my state of health and studies. They're surprisingly interested I want to do fashion. And after proving myself by guessing the correct sizing (my spatial sense is tingling! your waist is.....26!) Anyway mahmah's decided she wants to tailor my shirt design with my material choice (I said raw silk - she can afford it anyway) So I'm quite happy. Hopefully they'll pay for my summer school fees in CSM.
CSM CSM CSM....I need to get into their Fashion Folio summer course.
*sighs* Even for their summer courses, portfolio is required.
Went back home, watched people doll up for their prom/dinner and dance. Sak came over, prettified her, lent her BTSSB socks and molested her poufyness. *molests* ...and then it became....PANTYCOAT! Because like, it keeps your undies warm. I feel so random now lol~ Anyway I'm borrowing hers for my prom - because mine's too big for now *sighs* I need to take off at least 3 inches and have no time.
Anyway sent them off and felt deep parental feelings...
JUST KIDDING! :D :D :D
I was more: "Woah, fairy godmothers must have a hellva stressful life."
EGL meme
1. If I were a style I'd be...
classically sweet! although I'm becoming gothic-er due to Kuro :P
2. If I were a color I'd be...
peachypinkykiss! dark rose red
3. If I were a brand I'd be called...
Oeuvre, which is french-nese for "opus". Okay i'm just being pretentious lol
4. My logo would be...
camellia flower! aka tsubaki :D now you know where it comes from~
5. If I were an already existing brand I'd be...
Victorian Maiden (w/o tiny sizing)
6. If I were a fabric I'd be...
Chiffon!
7. If I were a accessory I'd be...
a tiny dog UV++ umbrella for those afraid of sun-ing ^^;
8. If I were a snack I'd be...
Chestnut cake AKA (cantonese:lut ji dan gou french:mont blanc)
9. If I were a drink I'd be...
English Breakfast with extra sugar + cream
10. If I were a shape I'd be...
a cherry print! :D
11. If I were a magazine/mook I'd be.....
W magazine or Vogue Italia(fashion photog=love!)
12. If I were an animal I'd be....
a really lazy cat
13. If I were a book I'd be...
Stephane Mallerme poems because I read waaay too much french poetry! but I really do like french poetry....
14. If I were a word I'd be.....
fluttery
15. If I were an attitude I'd be.....
tempremental
16. If I were a activity I'd be......
sleeping (loli-nap!)
17. If I were a detail I'd be.....
The Invisible Side Zip :D all-important yet cannot be seen!
okay enough rambling
my brain is woozy from listening to The Eels.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:47 p.m.+
Nacht
Listening to: Mozart - Allegro
It's schizophrenic weather we're having. Just sunny skies and puffy clouds, with warm liquid sunshine - passionately yellow midafternoon sunshine - and then it rains, like a sodden April shower caught in the arms of an unseeing November. It's somewhat pretty, too look at it. All sparkling drops and threadlike laces and soft pattering sound. Except of course, it's actually dirty rain. It's filthy - with an odd sun-dried metallic fragrance, almost like blood on a scab. Fruity, warm, overcooked scent. Cats lying in the sun, piss in the corner with the raw sweet-sour scent of garbage. And even as it falls even more heavily, with a light ping ping against the railings - the sun never stops shining. The beads of water shine like christmas decorations.
I thought of a wide and endless plain again. Sometimes it comes, like a suspended mirage of a place that might or might not exist. An pitiless red desert and an endless sky, perfectly even as though two halves meeting into the infinite horizon. The colours shine with the oversaturated glow of memory and summer - like a painting that never seems to stop shimmering, unable to stop moving, unable to grasp in perfect comprehension. The truck is beaten up and broken, with a spare tire lolling in the back. The turqoise paint peels like dry skin, crispy fried and hot in this merciless heat. From a distance, the old radio tune plays with a soft, static whine: climbing down Las Vegas, we get all boogie-woogie, let's hit the road my baby baby -- the dust kicks up and it disappears, the mirage into mist.
in the darkest country road
with the fleeing wind and blurred skies
defy gravity
suspended; racing stars and running moon
welcome the ink
close your eyes
breathe
the window's down
you're
driving blind
Today is Seishirou's birthday you know? Usually every year I have a Seishirou-layout to commenorate it. It feels rather saddening to think - that he will be eternally young and eternally ageless, wheras I will have to grow and outgrow. To feel less like a child is such a terrifying thing. Sometimes....I fear that I will outgrow those I love. Like a deep, unsettling fear that tastes like aluminium and zinc and woolen and thick and inarticulate.
not even the moon
can knows how the sun looked on
the first summer's day
-----------
thoughts move
in waltzes and spring dances
in circles and sprials
leaping, spinning, running running running
madly!
neverending
[take me on a plane out of this mad world]
It's 5pm now. It's fascinating to see within an hour the sky changes from the brightest robin's egg blue to this soggy, paper-mache white. The rain makes the roads wet - slickly is the sound of traffic rushing past. It doesn't have the same throttling sound, but a softer frooomsh like whipcream or pillows.Personal Reminder: HaruKan challenge is on, do the kite fic.
traffic lights
loosened wires
streetlamps arms twine
like scarecrow's faces
sorrowfully wait
for the night to rise
to shine, like mini-suns
-the light of the universe- so saith
all across the world
is this electric love?
I feel vaguely stoned.
Could be because looking at the sky so much has made me feel so heavy - rock-like.
I wish I could fly.
Okay I'm going back to patterning studying. Oh yeah, changed the design a bit for my OP, and I finished making pattern (out of scrap paper lol) for Kurokaze. It's easier than I thought o.O Now to just cut up the cloth and sew it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:40 p.m.+
Hello? Fire department? There's smoke in my eyes
Listening to: Tulips
I kind of regret spending so much money on fabric in Arab street now, considering I'm totally, absolutely broke. It's not that I'm really broke, more like I forgot to collect my cheque and it hasn't cleared so I'm broke kind of broke. What's this called again? Ah....liquidity problems. Transcationary of course.
Yesterday I was panicking like mad for Lit 3. I don't care if people call me a lit genius or whatever - but I panic. A lot. And then I misplaced my Heart of Darkness (I had a gut feeling episode 3 will feature heavily) and I nearly cracked . At that time, I just wanted to cry. Remember - I haven't read this text in a LONG TIME, and I couldn't remember anything and the exam was tomorrow. Understand my feelings yet?
It felt terrible.
I was tempted to call and ask for help
But I realized no one would listen or help me anyway
'cos they're too busy with their own work.
Anyway thankfully my sister found it for me. It was already 9pm though, so by the time I speed-read+highlight, it was already 1am. Plus also I had to finish Glass Menagerie first. By pure sheer luck, the last few scenes of GM didn't come out and those were the chapters I didn't study!!!. Just sheer, God-sent luck.
Was groggy when I woke up - weird dreams of people chasing in CJC canteen, then somehow Josephine was there, and everyone was streaking across. It was so strange. No tentacles though LOL.....Grabbed all relevant notes, even though I knew that I wasn't going to read them before the exam. It's a security-blanket thing. Saw Jared, Graham, Brendan and talked about how Bond is SuperFugly now. LOL. His car looks nicer than he does! (and that's saying alot)
Honestly though, I don't miss my schoolmates at all. During the entire break between Prelims and A levels I never met up with any of them. NEVER. Not for studying, not for exchanging information....nothing. I didn't even reply their smses or what nots. Like yesterday night when my (desperate, never study, sleep during lecture) classmates sms-ed me stuff like "Wat R e themes of HoD?" I just switched off my phone and never replied. Even for people whom I had a geunine liking for like Angie or Graham - nothing. Like a voided blankness of forgotton. Some people call it unfeeling, I call it "moving on".
I don't dislike them, they simply have no impact on me. It's as though I've never met them before - strangers, merely passing in a familiar street.
Exam wasn't as bad as expected. I did all the essay questions because the context looked hard (particularly for GM). Plus, I know examiners view essays with a slightly better standard, because it requires a lot of textual knowledge and thus, easier to score high marks. Question for HoD was: Discuss the ways of the effects of the European presence in Africa. The problem was that I couldn't remember much of what was in the Outer Station, but I think I scraped through because Alex had accidentally give me a quote before the exam in relation of this. The answer was pretty standard though. Started my essay with dual narration, then ironic parallels, interplay of light/dark, symbolism:setting, then symbolism: characters. Then I dived straight into differences like Natives Interior VS Natives Coast. Then different types of European presence eg. Russian VS Pligrims VS Kurtz. Quite a fun essay, I totalled around 10 sides, 5 pages.
Brave New World's essay question was surprisingly standard. Actually now that I think about it, it's almost the same as the JC1 question on BNW as a utopia. Question: Dicuss the ways in which Brave New World achieves "social stability" in the context of Huxley's satirical purposes. Did a basic background about H.G Wells, rise of America New World and Ford. Then moved to conditioning: biological through Brosknowsky, the twinning thing. Then social ie. hypnopaedia and peer pressure. Then I brought in that religion or rather - techno-quasi religion. My conclusion was kinda shitty. I was like because Huxely uses World State and Reservation as a comparison, each shows up the flaws of each other thus knowing that utopia is forever unattainable or something like that. URGH. 4pages, 8 sides.
Glass Menagerie was really a "gift" question. Except that GM happens to be my _worst_text_ever. I just can't stand the characters. But it was a decent question (thus am relieved *_*) Question: discuss the ways in which Willams' "unconventional techniques" help gain greater expression in GM. Which is ALMOST THE SAME as the Prelims question (which I did. yay!:D) But I was really running out of time because my HoD took so farkin' long to do. Since the requirement was "unconventional", I focussed on the strange stuff like magic lanterns, music, lighting and stage directions first. Because symbolism is actually a *typical* stage convention. So yeah...what to do? I couldn't put symbolism in, but at least I came up with a conclusion. If BNW's one was bad, this one's worse. I remember it being: "Thus despite the use of such unconventional techniques, Williams' achieves his purpose as he shows us with great tenderness, universal themes of love, hurt, fragility and family." Or something like that. ARGH I DON'T KNOW. I was writing so fast that I didn't even read it. 4pages, 8sides.
I really hope I did well :x
It's so difficult to know
Went to Provence with Alicia later, to eat bread. Why? Because bread is the staff of ze life. So we eat bread. Stuffed ourselves silly with bread, got high on bread, then walked aroun Holland Village and showed her around. ZOMG so fun~~~~~~~~ I felt drunk on sunshine. Walked home, which was nice, except the traffic was so noisy and smelly. Well, can't have everything.
It seems so unfinished, to stop it here.
Will talk another time.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:14 p.m.+
Save it for a rainy day
I'm suddenly really hungry o.O As in beef-bourgegion-lamb-stew hungry....maybe it's something in the weather, but I'm strangely hungry and dreaming of pot-au-feu and beef-bourgegion.
And for some reason the oatmeal/Milo drink lacks sugar so it's blah >_< It neeeeeeeds sugaaaaaaar
Anyway, woke up late (because I'm an idiot and I set the alarm clock after the time of meeting). Woke up mainly because Kuro sms-ed me, not because I naturally wake up in the morning. I hate mornings btw ;_; they make me sleepy and uncool. Rushed out of the house skipping breakfast and not combing hair. THEN 174 decided to be a pain and come late. ARGH.
Met up with Sakky, Kuro and Huiwei (Kuro's friend from LaSalle) then headed off to Arab street. Went to warehouse shop 1 and ZOMG EMIKYU PRINT IN CREAM, PINK AND YELLOW! So cute~ <3<3<3 I immediately lost my heart to it, and plonked down $10. They had several kinds of velveteen, but none of which was suitable. Got Kuro her black drill though, at $2.20/m it's a steal. It's very nice - thick, with a mild sheen and a ribbed finish. Needs to be pre-shrunk though. I couldn't find a suitable material either - the red for the drill they had was more CNY than classically aged wine candy canes.
Went to Aik Bee (2nd warehouse) - still not velveteen for Huiwei, but I found a really wonderful burgendy coudroy with a fine, delicate texture, smooth finish and soft. It's not very thick, but if I lined it - it would be perfect. Actually it doesn't need lining, but I think it will add to the dress. Finished, y'know? *plots* That means I need to go buy some besmilk lining too.
Trackedback later, and Huiwei got her velveteen. Parted ways cos she went to Scotts for lunch, while we went to HV to buy ribbon. ZOMG THE RIBBON SHOP WAS CLOSED WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! *cries* Spent all my money on Provence instead (which is a dumb thing to do, but ah well) then went home for lunch and it began raining. *sighs* Had spaghetti, watched Sis beat up bunnies, browsed to loli mooks, laughed at Sgcafe people (omg I'm so evil) then after they left, studied a little of GM then napped.
OMG I'm so lazy lorh....how to pass?!?!?!?!
Even my madz skillz will not save me ;_;
Had dinner, watched TV and realized my InTarNetz is failing me because it keeps d/c-ing. Urgh. Must be the weather. Honestly though, I really love this kind of weather. It's so nice and cold~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:56 a.m.+
Tired
I keep forgetting to add that I hope I don't sit next to that girl from T7 again for exams cos she keeps sniffling through the exam. Like just blow your damned nose damnit. *sighs* So noisy.
Went shopping with mom and sis today and it was the most tiring experience ever. Most. Tiring. Experience. (in which, I hope never to repeat again). First is my mom, who can't seem to keep her opinions/questions to herself and just adds pressure. Asking things like "let me see let me see" every 5 seconds in a crowded fitting room just makes me want to scream. Then also my sister is one of the PICKIEST shoppers in the world. She's so picky she makes shopping with audy seem like an angelic experience from heaven. Not only that, when she tries on clothes she doesn't come out to show you - so I had no idea most of the time whether the stuff I picked fit her or not. Of course, it didn't help that both of them didn't really get along with each other - I ended up having to talk to them seperately.
ARGH THANK GOD ITS OVER.
Anyway we got a green dress for my sister's jacket, and shoes and an evening bag for both of us to use. My dress doesn't really need anything except another 1.5m of velvet ribbon for the back, and a thicker 50cm velvet ribbon for the front.
Jewellry and accessories I'm just going to a)use mine b)borrow from my mom. Oh yeah, I need to get my hood too. Red Riding Hood with no hood is like...yo, where's my hoodie feeling.
Came home and sank into stuporific silence (puncuated by my mother's heckling) then changed to go out with dad. Since I've been craving sushi since last week, I said I wanted to eat Japanese food and we went to Kuriya Dining.
THE FOOD TOTALLY ROCKED.
Beef caparccio - imagine slices of raw marbled beef with a salty-sour sauce. Then a tomato, okra (ladyfinger) and lobster salad which was perfectly done - the okra was so crispy and crunchy while the lobster had a hint of wasabi in it. A platter of sashimi and the prawns were soooo good and soooooooo sweet <3~~~~ Rice with vegetable tempura, unagi omelette (a cross between chawanmushi and fried omelette - the top was fried by the bottom was custarrdy) with mushrooms and something I've never seen before - mushrooms with rock salt. You skewered the mushrooms before dipping it into the rock salt which was surprisingly sweet and not salty at all. It was crunchy, with a 'fresh' flavour. Like eating heen (no idea what it is in english). Then this amazingly cool soup that came in a teapot - it had a very clear, sweet-smokey flavour because of the prawns and I think, green tea. And then, this gorgeously flavored grilled amberjack (sp?) fish with just a little lemon.
I don't even want to know how much dinner cost
I'm pretty sure it's somewhere around $240+ though
But to him, he calls it "reasonable" LOL.
Pleasantly stuffed, we later had dessert at Ben and Jerry's which made us very very stuffed.
Then dad asked if we had enough clothes for Italy, and so we went shopping. Shopping with him is an odd experience. He just like...waits around, picks a couple of things, asks you to try and doesn't bother if it fits or not. Then YOU pick and he pays without even looking at the price tag. At first we went to Levi's but I hate jeans, so I got a pair of coudroy pants from Zara instead in black. I think I'll wear it once or twice to 'stretch' it out a bit though.
Went to the supermarket to help him with his grocery shopping, and it was kinda fun. It's really funny how the rise in GST doesn't affect him at all. The first thing he said after we told him about GST was "Oh so are they cutting income tax yet?" As I said, GST doesn't bother the wealthy. I remember my dad saying before that he paid 20% income tax, roughly 20,000 a year. For him, GST is peanuts. Anyway, he still thinks Singapore's income tax is too high, so he's moving his account to Macau anyway.
It's really strange to be in this perspective sometimes. Personally the rise in GST hits my family really hard, because my dad pays an un-indexed amount of money to my mom for maintainence (my parents are divorced). So it makes grocery shopping a big hassle. On the other side, I can totally see from my dad's perspective that GST doesn't really matter once you hit a certain income level. It's occasionally disconcerting how he doesn't check the price tag at all and dumps the (unlooked) receipt in the dustbin.
*does a mental cringe*
tsu<---- bona fide cheapskate
Oh yeah, he offered me a job in China during the holidays as a purveyor. I'm really interested, but I'm more interested in my paycheck - so it really depends on how much he offers me. You can talk about experience or expertise or developing yourself in new areas but honestly with my Japan trip coming up - I really, truly do NOT give a f*ck.
Plus I need to make sure I have a flight back to Singapore in March to collect my results. Which means I have to leave Zhuhai at least a day in advance to reach Macau/HK and take a flight back. Company leave is only once a month though. But! HK! I can go ogle at VM (and buy lut zi cake<3~). And I'm not willing to pay for my own flight, so I'll negoitiate or something. No one ever said I was easy *shrug*
The next time I'm seeing him is on Dec 1st (because we're leaving for Italy on Dec 3rd) so maybe I'll ask him. If not, I hope to ask for a job in either Spotlight or Provence, since it's relatively close to home and stuff I'm interested in.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:28 p.m.+
Spaced.
OMG LIT WAS HORRIBLE.
It wasn't horrible because it the poem was difficult to understand - but simply because the poem was so cliched and lacked content that I finished FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE THE PAPER ENDED. That, by the way, has never *ever* happened to me before. Usually at most, I finish 5mins before the end of the exam.
Question 3 was a poetry comparision - "Ozymandias". Basically about hubris of man and civilization; no matter how great you/society are - nothing is ever immortal and it is hubris to think so. Dragged in some mythological shit to 'thicken' the essay slightly and give weight. There wasn't really much to talk about, the basic coverage was: 1. rhyme scheme VS blank verse + treatment of iambic pentameter 2. Speaker's voices: future/present VS past 3. Use of imagery. After you hit all three of them, you more or less covered the main gist of the poem. Kaiwen was all "wah lau! same thing all over again lar!" LOL. It's true though - once I finish doing Lit I'm never EVER going to touch pathos, bathos and hubris again. EVER.
Interesting that they picked a classical theme as opposed to the more frequent modernist theme.
Actually I had fun doing that comparision. Personally though, I liked Smith's treatment more than Shelley's - simply because Smith had a wider engagement. His critique of society was more "universal" and repetitious than Shelley's "Man Not Immortal Kthnxbai" theme.
In context at least ^^;;
Skipped the prose even though it was interesting. Kaiwen made an amusing comment that it was gay with a capital G-A-Y because the author was Annie Proulx of Brokeback Mountain and the final lines was: "And then, he planted a seed in my garden." I couldn't stop laughing after that LOL.
QUESTION 4 WAS THE STUPIDEST POEM EVER.
STUPIDEST.
Why? It was a horribly crafted poem. Aesthetically, it was a total wash-out. It didn't have a single metaphor. A poem without metaphors or imagery is like a soccer player without feet. No ball y'know? Not only that, the theme was on aging and how like people mistreated old people because they didn't allow old people to create art. This stinks of PAP. Practically reeking. Reading the poem made me wonder if I was reading a more poetically titled version of the PM Rally Speech coupled with the Parent Maintaince Act.
If I thought reading it was bad, doing it was even worse.
There's not much you can write about when a poem only has 3 images (scarecrow, saint and birds), no metaphors, 2 allusions (to the same thing some more) and not an ounce of style. I did my best really. I came up with all sorts of bullshit about enjambments and as many adjectives I could for the same thing (examples: "helpless fury", "frustration", "bitterness", "resigination"). Not only that, it was the first time I'd seen a question that asked for presentation of the idea of art. Read it again? Presentation of the idea of art - what kind of bullshit in this right? So. No choice. Do lor. So I said something like art as a form of salvation, art as a form of escape, art as a comfort to the aged and finally, art as a country - a place limited only by imagination.
Seriously, the exam sucks.
In all honesty, I wouldn't have minded a harder paper. I like a challenge. My favourite exam question will always be the E.E Cummings poem, [anyone lived in a pretty how town] simply because it was so -inspiring-. Doing the question not only made me think, but tested by abilities to the fullest. I liked it so much I went home to read up on Cummings other poems. I mean, that's what an ideal Practical Criticism paper is supposed to be.
Doing this however, just made me feel disgusted.
It had no substance - to the point that I invented substance for it. It reeks of hypocrisy and pretentiousness.
Anyway.
Hopefully the rest of the exams won't be like that.
It will really kill me if Heart of Darkness ends up being mistreated in this way.
*sighs*
I don't know.....
This is supposed to be my best paper
But looking at it now
I feel there's nothing but doubt anymore.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:02 p.m.+
when raising GST is illogical and why Welfare is NOT a bad word
make me forget
what happens
come
......tomorrow.
As you all may know, Singapore GST has risen from 5% to 7%.
And for some reason, I have absolutely no clue why they did it
It's not that they need the money. This year's profit from GST (they don't call it profit by the way, they call it "surplus" to make it sound nicer than "Making Money From Citizens".) was a frikkin 3.5 billion SGD. And with the recent cases of MRT suicides and the Wee Shu Min incident (you can read it here and here respectively.) You would think that the government would have more common sense than to further infuriate the public by raising GST.
Since Singapore talks Economics, let's talk Economics.
GST, also known as Government Service Tax is a form of indirect tax. It means basically, that the weight of the tax (producing the good etc etc) is passed to the consumer. It it based on the "benefit" approach - that is, you only pay the tax if you buy the item. It is also a form of regressive tax, which means that the tax hits the poor more than the rich. For example, a pack of cigarattes costing $10 is more expensive to a man earning $100 than a man earning $1000.
So I absolutely do NOT get it.
Why the hell did they increase GST?
If you want money to help the poor, the easiest way would be to raise Income tax or Coporate tax - taxing the rich that is. In fact, it's known as the best way to redistribute wealth back into the country. Direct taxation also reduces income disparity because of its progressive nature - you can set limits like 10% tax for those earning 65,000 a year. And it's not like Singapore can't afford raising income tax - we have one of the lowest income tax rates in the world
Critics might argue that this is exactly what they're afraid of: raising income tax will cause foreign firms and professionals to relocate. It's a valid arguement, but consider the consequences : You welcoming the foreigners with open arms and tax incentives will cause more and more of Your Own Country's Human Resources to leave. aka. quit.
And you still want us to make babies for you too. boo.
It's not just that they're pushing the locals against the wall (particularly the lower middle income who make just enough to survive) it's the illogical thing about it. Why invite foreigners when you can develop your own Singaporeans? Are we somehow "worse" than our caucasian counterparts? Not only that, if these foreigners are so willing to leave their home country to Singapore, what makes you think that they'll want to remain here forever? If say, another country has even lower taxes than Singapore, won't they just pack up and leave?
Of course, they claim that the funds will be directly channelled back into public and they will continue to revaluate the situation. I hate to say it, but as a Singaporean, I do not trust them at all.
First off, fund chanelling. The truth is that most of taxpayers' money goes to building facilities for the rich. Just take a stocklist of what has been recently upgraded: VIP Terminal at the Airport. IMF decorations. Shin Corp. fiasco. And currently, Scholarship woes. Does it look like any money is given back for public use?
And we haven't even touched on the charity transparency issue.
For instance, they could have simply increased the frequency of buses instead of installing that damned stupid TV Mobile (in which they earn revenue by selling advertising). Or they could have lowered/kept the existing fares, instead of causing a ruckus and building the Circle Line.
So why don't they just do this?
Simple, because our government thinks welfare is a bad word. (like saying "fuckfuckfuck").
Welfare by the way, is NOT a bad word. Welfare means to maximize the current exisiting resources so that no one can be better off without another being worse off. What our government seems to forget is that at the end of the day - the government's duty is not to maximize profit Surplus, but to maximize welfare.
Hear that? Governments are supposed to maximize welfare
Singapore government on the other hand - treats us like consumers. It eats up our consumer surplus with more and more tax, it fails on its duties: to provide public goods, subsidize merit goods and protect the rights of the citizens. We don't even have minimum wage laws - technically speaking, if someone employs you for a measly $1 a day you can't even complain to the government because you're considered "employed".
What saddens me is that when I hear this on the radio: No, we cannot have minimum wage laws because it will make foreign firms leave - I can't help but think that perhaps, our numbers are all wrong.
Yes, our unemployment rate has fallen. But has our standard of living risen? What about those families whose parents are employed at $5/hr? They are "employed" yes - in the strictest sense of the word, but aren't they being exploited too?
It saddens me to think that our government doesn't even protect us from being sweatshop workers. And yet! We call ourselves a 1st world country.
What we lack it seems - is compassion. A government that cares soley for effciency and productivity will never succeed because that's not what governments are supposed to do. You leave your private sectors for that. Your job is to provide us the safety net that no private organization would - basic nessescities like food, clothing, shelther, healthcare and education. Not to exploit us.
The definition of a society is a group of individuals coming together to achieve a common goal - it says nothing of the fittest surviving. Thus, only when Singapore realizes we can only achieve together - with helping hands and compassion - then can we truly be a society.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:50 p.m.+
Notice: Chuang Yi comic sale!
Found some interesting news
Anyone interested in going for THIS?
I really do want discounted manga, plus if I can - I'll buy up Suigara's entire series (and watch money outflow). Anyway it seems relatively obscure, so people may wish to go, but end up not going. We'll see. It'll be good to stock up some reading material before holidays anyway.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:52 a.m.+
The Horror
I think I shouldn't have slept so late last night (or this morning). Today when I woke up my hair was sideways and standing up as in lopsided :( that's when I know it's going to rain because wavy/curly hair just frizzes up due to humidity. Bah. I hate hate people with stinking natural straight hair. They don't know what's it like for your hair to puff up in ONE direction on ONE side in the morning.
Met up with Alex who was conscientiously mugging for MCQ so I opened mine and scanned though. I was so worried that MRP = MPP X MR questions would come out because I don't understand/hate the math/dislike equations. Keith was really really nervous though.....he was screaming like "OH MY GAWD" which kinda helped me remain collected. I don't know, but hysterical people actually make me panic less because it means that someone has to not panic. Ran through the formulas with him and Alex which was rather fun, if a little late.
MCQ = BAD though. The stuff we studied for didn't really come out. For record, 1 Externality question regarding Dd/Ss, 1 PV=MT question, NO wages, 1 comparative advtg. and 1 on Customs Union. The rest were all theoratical questions ie. "If the govt plans to reduce inflation, what policies would they adopt?" or "An independant bank wishes to increase interest rates due to....?" That kind of thing. It's good in a way, because math will fail me. It's bad because it makes you more prone to carelessness. Lots of Market Structure questions (particularly monopoly) and policy stuff. I think I was rather careless though and I didn't get to check through all my answers. Some of the answers were like "uncertain uncertain" which bothered me like hell because the margin for error is so bloody close
30mins break, met up with Alex while we stoned and guessed what was in store for the next paper. My bet: Externalities and Comparative Advtg. Surprisingly DRQ was NYA (National Income Accounting) and your usual policy stuff. It's surprising because most of the time, DRQ focusses mainly on micro stuff like wages and market structure. It's not bad though, do-able. The problem really hit during Case Study. It was Externalities yes - that's normal but what was unnatural was the questions asked. Usually when it comes to Externalities they asked stuff on two things : identify and correct. Question 1 already hinted at the wackiness of the paper - using Extract 1, find evidence that watershortage was due to demand pull factors.
On NORMAL circumstances, the question would be something like "Using Extract 1, what causes water shortage?" or something like that. But nooooooo. This time they tell you the theory (aka. demand factors) and YOU have to find evidence rather than the other way round.
Question 2 was more normal : Policy + Evaluation. Everyone - breathe a sigh of relief!
Question 3 is a real killer (and worth 12 marks to boot). It says : "Extract 3 claims that water shortage can be cured using Virtual Water Theory. Discuss the possibilities of this and wether it is worth to 'reallocate existing sources'."
Some background info: Virtual Water is basically the water consumption used to make an item. For instance, 1kg of grain requires 1000 L of water while 1 kg of beef requires 1300 L of water. Therefore, we shall grow grain instead and buy beef.
It's basically a comparative advantage question with externalities and Central Problem all rolled into a BIG SCARY QUESTION. I divided mine up into "possible" and "allocate" because the question was so darn long.
If you really want to know, all in all I used 8 sheets of paper - roughly 16 sides for 2hrs 15mins. Most of the questions required evaluations, discussions or had many parts (even the DRQ!). I barely made it in time, with about 1 minute to spare. I had another point to put down, but it won't be a good idea to leave it incomplete.
I hope they draw a BIG bell curve.
Like a big big one.
'Cause I think I'll need it.
Anyway tonight I'm watching Casino Royale with my mom who got preview tickets cause her company is a sponsor. Tomorrow I need to drop by Mr James, read through all my PractCrit essays (c'mon baby~ gimme a 40!) and prep up for Friday's morning paper. Ew morning paper *sighs*
May or may not be online tonight. My wrist hurts from writing.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:52 p.m.+
EEEEeee--cons. Say it with a disgusted look
EEEEEEEEEEEEE-cons was horrible. *makes face*
As in horrible ZOMG!APOCALYSPE horrible.
I felt like I died. It was so terrible. Question 4 was on Inflation and its effects in Singapore's economy (which is more adversely affected: external or internal?) while the part A was on how Monetary factors can cause inflation. I said it was due to a rise in MS, which lead to a fall in i/r and a rise in Investment which will lead to inflation if economy is at Qf. But since they said FACTORS, I had to bullshit another equation out and said something about Consumption and Hot Money (with no graph. Real Smart tsu, real smart. Gawd. *dies* SO STUPID!)
Question 5 was Supply-side and how it will cure unemployment. Drew my graphs (no ruler, use EZ-link card because I'm a forgetful idiot) and added an MP/FP discussion (aka if it was Cylical UnN+) then summed that yeah okay, SS-policy is da best cos it's like Da Best. I don't think it was my worst essay though, it's a reasonably decent one if a bit short.
Question 6 was a MESS. The first part is standard demand and supply of currency, the secon part was TOTAL MESS. The question was "consequences of appreciating SGD" so I put in Marshall Lerner, then talked about unemployment and like consumption THEN I went "ZOMG!" and realized I forgot the discussion for ML and added it THERE. Like my inverse j-curve is so totally NOWHERE. I feel sick and irritated now just thinking about it.
Funny thing is that the topics I bet would come out did. Externalities and Wage did come out (Q1 and Q3 respectively). But while I might be idiotic, I'm not so egoistic to think that I can do well for those questions. I knew they'll come out, and I only managed a quick scan of the topic so I don't want to test my (lack of) knowledge). No point doing what you're bad at y'know?
Stupid exam finished at 4.25pm and I had another paper at 4.30pm. I practically ran to the next venue, which was crazy - saw Rachel Koh who was strolling and she was like why are you running? The invilgators are going to be the same and late too, so just take your time. Ended up detouring to the canteen to get food, chat and stroll up. Seems like Rachel was right and not a single one of them was there. Some of the students didn't turn up for the paper too - maybe they forgot but this is the FIRST time I've seen anyone skip a national examination. Seriously, wtf?
Anyway tomorrow is Eeee-cons MCQ, DRQ and Case Study - I really need to do well for Case Study since it's my strongest paper. MCQ is with luck and carefulness - a 22/23 would be good. My DRQ is so-so. If it's a topic I know, I can get 18 easily, but if it's not.....then zomg! single digit. I just need to maintain calm.
Good luck to all tomorrow!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:12 a.m.+
What you do when your toes are cold?
I have a fic at my fingertips, a backburner story.
I think it in colour: slither, rainwashed, blue
The chill that seeps through wool, blankets, bones.
I'm not really panicking but mildly fatalistic. It's like if you know you're going to die, then everything just falls into walking distance. Fatalistic: it's not so bad - hell is on earth, so heaven must be a state of mind.
I feel cold.
tell me every single day
every hour
every minute
every second
for breakfast, lunch and dinner
will you say ....
that
[?]
Today when I woke up it was raining so I kicked open the curtains and laid down to watch it rain. When it rains the sky isn't grey, rather - it's pure white. White like voids, like emptiness, like swirling energies subsumed (wrong use of word I know, but it's the closest I can think of). It falls, not vertically, but hapharzardly when buffeted by winds that scatter; splashing on to ground, pounding on windows, pattering against the roof like a melodic fiat accompli to the rhythmic thunder.
It looks.......like a gap.
A yawning mouth with spittle
A crack in the sky
A blind eye
The largeness that frightens with its awesomeness
To shrink away from it
Huddle in blankets
And retreat like ground.
I want a hug ;_;
Anyway I should sleep, tomorrow's paper will be hell and I need to remember to pack a ruler. And some spare coloured pens for graphs. And maybe a calculator just in case.
I hope MRP doesn't come out *prays*
If MRP doesn't come out
I promise not to bother Aya to play FFXII
AND! I won't whine to others about how much I want lolita clothes for 2 weeks.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:56 p.m.+
I am Slowly Going Crazy 1 2 3 4 5 6 -switch-
I feel like a kamikaze pilot on a suicide mission.
Imagine. How it would sound like:
"Folks, we're all gathered today to die. Yep. That's right. Tomorrow you're all going to die. You're going to fly the plane up and up and then crash it into the nearest Americano tanker. Don't worry. It'll be gloriously compensated for. Everyone got their insurance policies yet? No? Well then what ya waiting for huh?!?!"
I think exams bring out the worst in us.
Going back to Econs now.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:34 p.m.+
hitsuzen
Listening to: Celiane
At 3am in the morning, I woke up with this odd, all-consuming sleepless hunger. Like that story from Murakami - Second Bakery Attack, except that I wasn't under any curse or attacking a bakery anytime soon. I just sat there, in the living room with all the lights on with this awful gnawing hollow emptiness. An image rose - a glass globe: wavy lines, goldfish eyes. Waved, you could say. Like a dreamworld. It felt like falling.
I sat there just staring into space till 3.10am
Then I gave up and went to get some food.
But even after eating grapes, I was still hungry. I couldn't understand it. I had dinner and I saw no reason to be hungry. And it wasn't just hungry I felt - this sensation of being insubstantial. Like fading. Dissapation. Disintegration.......inability to grasp. So I thought: maybe I should eat and read the story at the same time So I made 2 sandwhiches which I finished before finishing the story, then I went to get a handful of grapes. The moment I hit the last line of the story, I wasn't hungry anymore and I went straight back to sleep as though I had done something with tremendous difficulty.
It was so strange.
Like a wayward thing.
Things meant to happen. Inevitable. Hitsuzen.
The sky has cleared. Today was one of those luminous, Squaresoft-esque sunsets that just shone through the blue in this awesome light - as though transcendence could be a colour; looking at it too long hurt my eyes. It was like watercolours - the rise of white marbled blue, the cracks of luminious shimmering gold and blushes of plum and mauve at the horizon. Darkness rise; daylight pushed into the other end of the earth, shoved to make way for dark. Watercolour skies......they're so pretty sometimes. Melting ice.
a cloud
difts into sunset
melting
into light
Started drawing again, then nearly gave up because it felt so hopeless. Like a soft, broken tune: hopeless hopeless hopeless that erodes everything into dust. It's impossible to finish in three hours - so I'll have to come up with a new composition. Not only that, I need to talk to Mr James and ask him about famour urbanscape line artists.
It feels so alone now.
I feel so..........broken.
Fragmented.
I feel like giving up sometimes.
I try so hard, I try so hard to be a good friend
To listen, to care, to appreciate
And...
People can be so disappointing.
Relationships can be so lost.
I feel I don't know anyone anymore.
Not even....
*sighs*
Next year I'll be gone.
So maybe it's a good thing
If no one misses me.....
I wonder if sometimes, the sacrifice can be too great. Some of the people I love will be determined to remain on this bloody island. They don't want to see the world, they want to keep their friends and loved ones close, they like it here - it's comfortable, filled with people they know. I respect that........even though I wish.....It just hurts to leave people behind. So it's a sacrifice. You get orphaned, forgotten. You start running out of things to say to each other. You play a small role - the friend that you see once a year and each decade passes, you're not there. The disappeared one.
daffodils
sway like summer's arms
one puff-
and it scatters into wind
It's normal I know - these feelings. I'm rationalizing.
Rationalizing is useful when you have to do something nessescary but distasteful.
In the end, what I want may or may not be what everyone else wants.
I want a home.
A place I feel safe in.
I don't feel safe with anyone or anywhere now.
Not even here. home as they say:
is a state, a peace of mind
a combination of friends, family and lovers
a place that when behaving as yourself is the safest
where you fear no harm
And you know what's really sad?
I don't believe I'll ever find it.
But - even if I can't find it myself
maybe....
just maybe.
I can help others find theirs.
I can cling to that dream.
When all fails, I'll cling to it.
Even if I'm the only person doing it now.
It's not an accusation; it's a statement of fact. Originally it was Neko, Natz, Audy, Zar and I who wanted to start a business - each one left one by one till it's now only myself and Sak. If Sak decides to leave, it'll only be me. I can accept that. There's no point crying over it. Not anymore *shrugs* Crying can't bring back the dead. It also can't bring back the past. No matter whether they promised or not.
So okay, I'll do it.
That's why I'm not applying to Central St Martins. I have decided not to.
Remember I said carrots? My dad has one. If I drop St Martins, do Finance at Queen Mary he'll give me $100,000 seed money to start my own business. If I had other partners, I might/might not have taken it. But it's me now. I have to survive. I will survive. Even if I hate it, I will do it. Rationalizing, remember?
I have to. I have to.
3 more years' in UK - and I'll be free.
*waits patiently*
So what's the moral of the story? Don't give up on dreams? *snorts* Or better yet, *drones* to succeed one must be determined.
Unrealistic, not to mention totally cliche.
Nah. The moral is that no matter what is it - there's always a sacrifice involved. Sometimes heads must roll before God descends. Sometimes it's a small price - studying to ace a test. Sometimes it's a big price - giving up the people you love, a marriage, children you will never have, a home - all for the sake of a dream.
I wish....I wish..
I can't tell you.
I wish for a good night's sleep.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:20 p.m.+
gothic duckies
Got d/c-ed yesterday, but I saved the entry.
----------------
Talking to Kuro is fun~ especially if it involves fangirling over Moitie, or doing funky brand-crossovers (reminds me of the line:DA-Bule BRAND! say with kitschy Japanese accent kthnxbai). Anyway. Moitie duckies. One day I shall draw them and giggle over it while doing my Lit paper.
Talking of exams, I'm thinking of bringing my capelet to school during the exam because the aircon is so cold. Do you think it's allowed? I have a decent cape I made last year....It's just easier to write without sleeves.
Met with sak at Orchard again, then went to Commode and the christmas fair. Sak bought this pair of lovely dusty!pink x antique white one and I was really tempted to get a pair of arygle ones with spades and hearts design (comes in pink, red and grey; all with black). The christmas lights (fairy lights) were really pretty....ZOMG THEY HAD IT IN MOITIE-BLUE! I kept thinking of Kuro when I saw that lol~ It'll be so cool to have moitie lights in your room. They even have a glowing teddy bear that changed colour when you pressed it and all sorts of wacky (occasionally WTF ones like the stuffing filling one) toys.
Then headed to the cloth shop, and showed sak the prettyful material which looked like aged candycanes. It's antique white x wine red, with a line of gold dots (like ticking tape). <3<3<3! It's so wonderfully pretty~~ decided on the designs and got our material. I can't wait for A levels to end so that I can start on it.
Dinner with dad - Japanese food again. Talked about his new project which he's really excited about. It's secret though, so I'm not supposed to say anything about it (not that anyone here cares anyway) But while I'm interested, it seems rather unbelieveable. I have trouble actually accepting it as reality. Strange huh? For everything.
I'm just tired of all this and in truth, I just wish my exams would hurry up end. For some, it's already over but mine haven't even started yet. It's like this parasitical disease, or some chronically itchy mosquito bite that you just want to stratch your skin off for. skin-flint huh? I don't want to draw anymore because of the sickening art exam paper, I don't want to read anymore because it reminds me of my horrible Lit S and Lit papers.......I don't even enjoy candy as much because I know my mom buys so much so that I'll be ready and set for those damned exams.
Can you understand that?
Maybe you can, maybe you can't.
It's not the same as coursework or modules
And it's Not Fun at All
It's like....I like lit, but I hate studying it.
Whatever enjoyment level that existed before is totally gone.
ARGH.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:44 p.m.+
wouldn't you like to know
Actually I just lost my entry so I don't feel like retyping too much. *smacks self* Accidentally closed the window instead of minimizing it.
Anyway I recieved an invitation from NUS to join USP. USP = University Scholar Programme. It's very tempting - all the works: internship, honours, double major, overseas college all rolled into one. And I'm seriously reconsidering going to London (and a second-rate university at that). It's difficult, particularly since I'm not used to this kind of thing.
It was so much easier in the past. When you have poor grades, ill-fitted to the system - you tend to create your own paths, instead of following the usual one because you just can't make it. But the moment you can, then sacrifice is involved. To just drift along, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you fail, it doesn't hurt if they leave and ostracise you, it comes to the point that you're undefeatable - because you were never part of the game - just is.
So it's much easier, when you have nothing to give up.
I'm just not used to it.
Never had to before, you see. When everyone was studying, I was either busy fighting/watching anime/gaming/skipping school/slacking depending on age. Aged 10 whilst everyone had their first taste of mugging via streaming, I was busy watching Gundam re-runs on ch8 and digging through Evangelion symbology. Aged 12, I realized the joy of staying out late when Kino first opened. Aged 14, I decided that cosplay was going to be my life and to hell with examinations. And finally during O levels, I really didn't give a shit how much I got since I didn't want to go JC anyway.
And unfortunately I'm not Raito-genius
I never got very high in terms of marks either.
So it's all new to me - these wonderful promises by agencies I don't know. It makes me want to reconsider.
Almost good enough to give up dreaming.
--------------------
The weather's been cute lately - midafternoon pours then the sun comes out just when the laundry is tucked away. It's kinda annoying, but fun too. At least the haze is gone.
Looking at Moitie gives me the same sensation of looking at books, chocolates and other iWants (sounds cool right? iWant!) Like that shivery-quivery-wibbly feeling of inexplicable longing.
okay crap
my brother's chasing me out.
nights' all.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:35 p.m.+
wait - don't stop dreaming
I just realized if I don't spend a single cent on christmas presents this year, I could problably get my dream dress. As in THIS ONE. It makes me feel very greedy though *drools* the kind of self-righteous thinking that goes: I deserve this for being a good kid and saving money and doing A levels...on the other hand, I really like to give Christmas presents ^^ Anyway, I think in the end - I'll just wait for my birthday and see what I can get <3
'Sides, I'm lucky enough that my birthday falls on the first few days of fukuburo (lucky bag) season. It's easy to remember because it's a)around New Year b)the start of hanami c)end of tsubaki. So it's not very late in the year, so I can afford to be patient. Patient! Patient is good~ Plus by that time (hopefully) they would have released a new print and (hopefully) the price would've fallen.
That's a lot of hopefully's I know.
I really adore that dress though - but I have the feeling I'll wear it to bits until I'm sick of it (that's my way of justifying buying a $480 dress). It's the same situation with the maneki neko dress - because I spent so much on it, I must wear it at least once a month (or until everyone is sick of seeing it). So I guess if I do get it, I'll wear it every day to university, out shopping or whatever.
Anoxeric people piss me off -_- In truth, I think they're ugly. They're like no longer human anymore.....just stylized drawings of anime or stickuman (that's why audy likes them?) and they look AWFUL nude. It's like......urgh. Blackpeace particularly. I just want to shove a porkchop down her stick-thin throat. Gawd. You look 10 years older than me y'know?
Must find a way to thank Kuro for helping me find/dig through all those moitie pics though~ *thinks* thinkthinkthink! LOL. I'll figure something.
I think maybe at the end of day - I'll be happy with just ONE really expensive moitie dress, then just lots of sensible skirts and cutsews. Oh yeah, does anyone have the same problem as I do? I measure the waist band of my skirts and I could wear 25" - 27" quite easily, but when I measure using tape, I get 28". It's rather strange o.O
Anyway back to studying.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:50 p.m.+
Reconstructed
It's raining again.
Cats and dogs and thunder and lighting.
It's funny how unsafe you can feel
Hearing the thunder that makes you jump.
Behind, I can hear the tinny sound of the radio. That's how radios sound like in a distance - tinny. Like a small whine that hovers over the heavy footfalls of rain, the squeaky high. Rain is like a haze sometimes - sleets and in sheets, deluging with pinstripes that barge against glass windows and traffic. Nature's announcement I think. Or call. The buildings look like those in my dreams - all wet and dripping and cackling paint. I think of the grey city with canals - my own Venice (of sorts) with my slient boatman and drumbeats. Do they sound like rain? Or heartbeats? Or maybe even possibly both.
The rain smells.
It smells like detergent and mornings and fresh wind
That damp, wet, soggy smell of retreating earth.
As though earth was a creature that could curl up and withdraw - bury deeper, hide darker, retreat into itself.
Rain is like that, soggy earth.
The lack of blogging distrubs me. You need this - blogging, writing, journal-ing.....whatever you call it nowadays. To take snapshots and put them in the drawer like hoarding thoughts. Then one day you realize you've fallen at the wayside, a little lost, a little confused - wandering insane. Then you take out all those past snapshots of presents, piece them back together and create a new self. Idemity. Insurance. Precaution. After all, you can't be expected to keep. Everyday we lose things - safety pins, cookie crumbs, fallen hair, coins - a bit of soul. So you take these pictures, tuck them in a drawer and remember the best.
I woke up today with a nightmare. Long corridoors of white and double ended mirrors, a grey dress and blue cloak, people I recognize (why now? why her?) - Robert's wife for one. Shops full of strange devices, changing rooms and a disapperance. To realize you can't be seen. To duck inside a runaway bus, and scatter CDs on the floor. To want to touch someone so badly you almost almost think it must be real.
It's like.....grasping warmth
To desire to touch another person so badly.
But then, dreams are like that
You wake up only with blankets.
I'm not complaining though.
Talked to Alicia yesterday who was sick, and tried to cheer her up by talking about all the cheer-uppy things to make people feel less sick. Things like icecream and sundaes, like cute boys and comic books, like Japan. It's strange how some things never change.....like Japan, in a way, is still a symbol of all that hope. That kind of I want and I wish and I will. Like a glorified mecca. You hold it close to your heart - it's not real of course, this Japan of your dream. But it's something to be held, something to be protected, something to long for - to dream. A special kind of protective innocence. A magic charm. An amulet.
When I waked, I just brush my teeth and went back to bed with my books and highlighter. It's funny, but the only way I can really concentrate is when I'm asleep. In that state of suspended animation, I don't only remember - but I analyze it as well so by the time I actually wake up, I've finished studying already. It's got its good and bad points. Good part is, I never really have to study too hard or uncomfortably. Bad part is, once I wake up - I can't concentrate any longer. Anyway I finished both Handmaid's Tale and episode 3 of HoD which I'm rather happy - if a little stoned.
Looking at the sky now makes me think of blanko.
white out you'll say. Or maybed whited.
Like a clean piece of canvas.
Or bleach.
Bleach with black birds drifting at the edges and sinking into nothing.
Black birds are like polka dots.
They sink, they subsume.
White out.
I've kinda figured out what to do for art - sleeping in is like that. I work best when unconscious. The themes given: Fragments. Effloresence (just means blooming/growth). Coiled. Intrusion. Network. Rather boring - especially the pretentiously worded "effloresence". Anyway I thought of Intrusion of....time. As in schedules and timtables and watches that control our time. A kind of barging in and taking up time. That our time is taken away from us, and no longer owned by us. It'll be interesting to do. A little abstract, but easily imagined. (lots of symbols to work with)
------Meme from Kuro-------
1. You tag and I give you a letter to list 10 things you like.
Letter P
1. Pistachio icecream :D
2. Pancakes
3. Petticoats
4. Princess cut
5. Panadol
6. Poetry
7. Psychology
8. Painting
9. Pop music
10. Pillows~<3
And because yesterday I got d-ced by the InterWebz, I uploaded some pictures of Subaru and Seishirou~ spread the fangirl!love~
Chibi Subaru. Ahhh~ so young and innocent, aged 9 as he meets 15 year old Seishirou killing a girl.
chibi!subaru with Seishirou Doesn't he look adorable? Don't they look adorable? Who cares if he's 6 years older than you and a cradle snatcher?
So of course, Seishirou waits till Subaru is legal and of course, proceeds to win his heart by becoming the nicest guy ever and holding a stuffed pig. It's the pig that OWNZ I swear.
But of course Clamp is wangsty, so he killing his sis in the most Ouch-fashion possible then proceed to make hawt guilty!smut I mean err...take pics with his rival/boyfriend/toy/prey/victim/twin star/whatever. Seriously, CLAMP makes it canon!
So Subaru grows up and goes into X-universe, which we all know is BAD with capital B-A-D. However,
they still look pretty darn good together in wedding-fukus and proceed to outpreen, outpretty, outangst EVERY OTHER COUPLE in the fandom inc. our very own KammyFummy with this pic
So anyway, if anyone's interested in Tokyo Babylon or X - I have both the manga and OVAs for TB and X. Yep. All of it. Including artbooks. Because I'm a really big SeishirouxSubaru fangirl. xD
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:28 p.m.+
Am sick
Am sickkkk.
Not really like very sick, but sick enough to feel nauseaous and tired.
I think it's a combination of not eating properly + not enough sleep + A levels. Was so tired I gave up at 4pm to go home and sleep instead of staying and studying. I really couldn't take it anymore - my head hurt, I couldn't concentrate, and by the time I walked down to the train station I was shaking and almost tearing. Fell asleep on the train, magically woke up in time at City Hall to change to North-East line. Actually I really intended to go home, but at the last moment when the door alarms were sounding - I dashed out. I had this insane urge to visit the tanglin fabric shop.
Okay my instincts are crazy but right.
The moment I walked in, I felt like 100x better.
And saw some really gorgeous candy-stripe (wine x antique white) fabric with gold dots on the stripes. Very cute~ I feel like making an empire dress (like the Moitie one I adore!) with a circle base. It'll be absolutely adorable I think (now to get sak to match hmmm) Spotted some lovely wines, plums and reds but the best find really as to be the VM-teal roses. I swear, it's the exact!same!cloth! at $20/m. It's got big poufy roses (check), swirly garland net stuff (check) and very very pretty.
Went home soon after, had dinner and watched TV.
I'm going to bathe, then just K.O insensibly.
I can't even think straight.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:59 p.m.+
Summerhunting
I just realized no one can see my pagename anymore, cos it's the same colour as the links. I rather like my link colour though, so I'm reluctant to change it. I guess my entries will look title-less from now on then.
I keep dreaming of false summers - the kind of perfect idyll you long for unconciously, filled with decadent sunshine and syrupy afternoons and girls with white dresses laughing over windspent dry grass and sparkling yellow daffodillys. It's unreal I know - unreal to the point of surreal saturation. A dream of primary colour, filled with longings for a childhood that no one ever had - the kind that can only be gazed at, looked into - a beautiful globe of summertime amber.
I think like sublimial!projection :D
Bored of sleetgrey skies and humidity
Trapped admist exams - you can only dream of summertime.
Finished Chinese paper today, bored to the point that I started drawing Sak and kuro and imagining how they'll look like in their respective clothes. Was going to bring it home and scan it but! they took my question paper away :( Ah well~ at least whoever's marking will get lolita drawings in it lol.
Went for icecream initially, but decided to go Oishi!pizza instead and it's really good! Tried the Teriyaki beef and the cheese is all melty and gooey and the base is crispy~ I like! It's only $5.50 for a 7" pizza and a can of green tea which is a very very good deal. I think I'll study there next time~ It's got aircon, chairs and tables, good lighting and a view~<3 The most important is aircon and a view really.....I need to see sky if not I'll feel unhappy and pissed off to study.
Princess Hours aka. Goong is amazingly addictive. Half my class are fans now~ and I really want to watch my Shounen Onmyouji and this week's episode of CODE GEASS is cool and Chapter 133 of Tsubasa Chronicle shows Fai as a kid with fairy princess hair! <3~ he's so cute and angsty darnit~
Okay going to plan for tomorrow's studying and will be getting the theme for Art will be released tomorrow at 11am. Mad rush will ensue!LOL
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:56 p.m.+
