I forgot to post about it, considering the recent state of events but Audrey and I are officially over. 6 years of being together gone in less than an hour. I want to say the parting was amiable on both sides - but hey, who the hell am I lying? It's just gotten to the point that there's too much things left unsaid, and too many things that cannot be unsaid and undone. I'm just going to be annoyingly tsu-like and say: it was her decision, and I should have known this would happen ever since 2004 because people cannot be trusted, as usual. For once, it's actually -her- not me.
I don't actually want to talk about it, so I'm just going to take this month off to get used to not having her around. Ironically we're living together next year, but we're civil people plus Hockingstuart will murder us if we damage anything. Mostly I'm just sad and tired, it's just gone for too long and too far. It's actually gotten to the extent that when I came back, my mother (who almost never interferes in my personal affairs) wants to talk to me about her. Like, for serious.......but I listened, and she's right. She's right because there are always topics I avoid, because I want to believe in the best of people but it doesn't change the fact that she's right, and I was basically in denial about Audrey for a long time :/ I can say this because I cannot forget, never hope to remember but mom is right........
and it scared me.
so i asked audy for her decision
and she chose
There is no more recourse. We're not going to make up and be happy flower-daisies-sunsets. Usually when we fight it's like it comes and goes, but this time is really final I think. We're too old for hysterics anymore and I'm honestly sick of trying so hard and getting so little back. Every single time, I just feel so unrequited in my effort to be a good friend and that makes me feel even more useless and disheartened about my relationships, my self and uncertain in this friendship. I can't let what sentimental and emotional tie to what I believe stop me from doing what is right. I have to let it go.
It is very hard for me to do this. I do not put my trust in people very lightly, after what has happened to me. I don't trust my very family - even my closest kin don't have it. As a child, I have memories of things that should never happen but did, of feelings that came out from the blackdark and having no one. It is a terrible way of growing up. Audrey is, and will always be, my first good friend. But that trust has been destroyed, and whatever's left has eroded so it's better to just leave it before it gets any worse. Is it repairable? Should I repair it? Why should I repair it? I asked myself this over and over again, first to find ways of mending then later to figure if anything is worth saving.
But that night - that night when we watched Lord of the Rings, she said something....something so tiny and inconsequential that I can't even remember what she said exactly, only that I felt my heart die a little again and then I knew that she really didn't care about me at all no matter what she said. She doesn't have the capacity to love anyone yet, because she's still so much like a child and so so so young. Children don't intend to hurt you, but they do because they don't understand the concept of morality yet - you have to explain it to them. At this point in time, there's no way in hell that she can reciprocate the level which I feel and you can't force someone to grow up and become more mature. It's impossible. It's a process that takes it's own time and place. Different people, different stages, different times. So I went up to my room and stared at the night, waiting. I dreamt.
I dreamt of a warm darkness, with millions of hands reaching out to me, shining and beautiful. I could recognise some of these hands, these names I knew. They called me. They opened their palms. I watched
and turned around to walk away.
You could say that applies to everyone (it does), but somehow....what struck me was how ridiculously apt Sakky's 'love-distance' meme was. It was the one that measured how great was the distance of your love, and ours stretched all the way to Hawaii. What I remember was the pie-chart things, I remember commenting how odd it was that so much of mine was unrequited despite the fact that audy had more love than I did. And now, so much of it is so......
I really don't think we can even be friends anymore. Friendship requires a level of trust, and even that is broken for me. I cannot trust her to not hurt me because she will cross the line, and say cruel things (then forget it, because she never remembers what she says - or does she?) On the issue of trust, I'm posting this on pitas because it's more private. No one on LJ knows this address, and is not tied to single community or information. Searching my username on google gives nothing, even if you search it with any of my interests. On the whole, this entire journal is safer than anything placed on Livejournal - on the sole fact that it isn't hosted by them.
On that note, if I were being extreme flippant I could say that LJ is probably the cause of it. But that would be oversimplifying matters far too much. TLDR version: If there was anything to begin with, It's over, the End.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:17 a.m.+
woohoo! busy today and yesterday~ I did ALLLLL my overseas gift shopping! Everyone is bought for, and all the card designs are mostly settled<3 I have beautiful letterwriting sets too, for the same purpose :D :D :D This christmas will be a beautiful one I hope~
Yesterday had Ajitei and met yi-lin and the Co. The Co. was annoying as usual, but mahmah gave me/aya a $600 cash cheque to go shopping in Japan xDDDD and I had my macha kachoujiki so was quite happy. Curry Katsu omu rice is delicious too~~~ Kino was too crowded, but that was a public holiday. Walked a lot with mom and dinner at home.
Then today I got my hair cut, and went to Kino Liang Court with Aya. I actually rather like my new hair cut (pics on LJ soon) and OMG KINO!!!!! I went craaaaaazy. I got the midori booksliders with matching pencils, shinzi katoh paper and lots more<333 omg I love shinzi katoh, it's so beautiful! For me, it's the epitome of cute yet stylish design *_*
ahhhh then tanpopo for dinner and met up with mom and went to mediya market and all in all, happyyyyyyyyyyy :DDDDDD
time to go and write letters and wrap and make cards<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+
I had a lot of cool things to say but now it's all gone, dissolving into misty sleepiness and general tired. Mostly about how I had an epiphany in the taxi today before boarding the plane, watching the tallermarine freeway zoom past like coloured chopsticks going ziiip!ziiip! across the window which the driver was going at. "You like it here?" Yes, I do like it here. Which one do you like better? And somewhere, my heart stops when out slips the answer.
I was thinking about yesterday during that taxi ride, and the fundemental difference of it. Sometimes I picture it like this: paper white and black ink, you stand in the middle of both and you can only pick one. That's how I see things. I might make the wrong decision, I might make the right one but the point is that I choose. I don't waffle with where people stand, and I guess - it frustrates me when others do that because it feels too much like how it was when I was a child. (at the same time, I can feel it when people pity me, which is annoying but depending on who the person is I will endure it)
The flight was dull and gave me a knee cramp. I managed to sleep, abeit fitfully. Anyway the inflight entertainment broke down, which was rather depressing coupled with a dead ipod. I just read a couple of short stories, watched Hellboy 2 again (with the fastforward on) and half an episode of House. Mostly I just wrote a mental guide to lolita travelling LOL entertaining, and kept me from being too bored/figety especially with half a plane full of old people, crying babies and my seat-neighbour's smelly feet. Also entertaining was watching the pair of bumbling bogan Australian backpackers in the seat infront of me, and how they hilariously harassed the staff by bringing their own teabags and food on board the plane.
Touched down and boy it was hot. Walked right into a wall of heat and humidity, and I could feel my hair automatically become frizzier and oilier. Welcome Home Singapore~?? I guess :x Saw Mom and sis and HAPPYYZZZ had dinner and played Katamari and now I just don't feel like talking or blogging - drained like sawdust.
off to sleep, nights all
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:44 a.m.+
it's hot in melbourne now! D: the rain falls like warm piss, and hits on the heated tar like a hissing weird metallic smell. urgh, it stinks. it's that peculiar smell that somehwat reminds me of singapore and not, but also how much i hate walking into a steamed blanket of air.
anyway, i'm checked in and ready to leave!!
well not really ready, since i haven't packed finished but it's the thought that counts isn't it? anyway i packed half so it's all good isn't it? only socks, underwear, house-tshirts and mom's/aya stuff left ^^ oh, i have to print the flight confirmation too :x waaiii~ so exciting
the worst part is that my ipod is dead! as in, the screen is black D: D: D: the harddisk drive is still working though. i'm guessing the display is dead, so shikata nai x 10000 i almost wish i had my discman instead (uber-realiable and never broke down on me) but ahhhh what to do now??? too late to change.
i don't look forward to sitting on the plane for the next 7.5 hours though. it's boring, tiring and watching inflight movies make me feel slightly sick :/ i managed to get a good seat though, near the front and next to an aisle<3 yatta! maybe i can nap the entire flight. or bring a book to read. or something. or maybe if i can stand it, watch a movie or two???
ahhhh I should be really going soon to pack and finish the last of things. It's so exciting isn't it???
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:30 p.m.+
8pm and i want to eat cake ;_;
too broke though
audy's 240 won't clear till friday
and jiawei owes me 232 + some :(
only have 100 left in my a/c
50 goes to taxi fare to airport (stupid toll!)
10 goes to e6 120 processing (holga photos which i think i wasted ;___; arghhhhhh)
15 goes to mom's laundry basket + macadamia nuts
so that leaves around 25 for the next few days :( hopefully paypal and nab fund transfer clears by friday because cherie is selling a tripod for 30 and i really want it (awesome!cheap!deal!) actually if it clears fast enough, i'll get aya's christmas present as well.
boo ;____; want cake.
it's going to be so boring tonight too
hope they're not showing CSI
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:59 p.m.+
Mostly I'm worried about how it'll be like when we live together next year :/ I think okay - Jiawei and I are okay as long as I don't clutter the living area and she doesn't walk into my room (we have personality differences but nothing major in other words). Mostly I'm worried about Audrey, because AFDKJASFJDHF D: D: D: D: D: was how I felt most of the time when dealing with her. First was the whole I-Don't-Want/Want to move thing which drove me crazy (as in, I nearly clawed the walls off in absolute frustration), then came the actual administrative work and logistics of moving in and by god, I almost wanted to strangle her. It's not that she doesn't do it, it's that she has NO INTIATIVE. It's almost like I got saddled with taking care of an extremely absentminded 10-year-old. You can't leave her alone because she won't do anything, you have to tell her exactly what to do because she doesn't have the independence to do it herself. For instance, if I saw a pile of books on the floor - I would automatically pick it up. But Audrey doesn't have that kind of automatic thinking and it drives me craaaaaaaazy. craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY.
I think Jiawei was pretty amused by it, and she was like OK we can sort it out. We can draw a duty roster so that the place will be cleaned. We can set aside special days for marketing and groceries. Etc. I mean, I don't mind having a schedule but it's just !!!!!! D:
I'm not used to it. I'm not used to people who need everything planned out and ready for them. I expect people of a certain age to act responsibily and independantly without the need of someone telling you what to do. Children need to be told what to do, but adults just do what they need to do. I'm used to taking care of myself and paying my own bills so I expect others to do the same. Actually, if not for Jiawei I would probably have murdered Audrey by now out of sheer exasperation. She's like, OK not everyone is like you and some people take time to learn. So OK, I keep my mouth shut.
The thing that bugs me most is the lack of....initiative? self-involvment? commonsense? Like on the first day of moving in, I asked everyone to turn up tomorrow to wash dishes, arrange furniture and stuff. Jiawei turned up at 2pm and she washed the dishes while I cleared the cupboards, put the bags away and unpacked the utensils. 3pm, no Audrey. So I called, and she was like "What? You didn't give me a time, how was I supposed to know?" and my only reponse was a D: She finally appeared at 4.30pm. Even Jiawei was fed up.
I feel ranty and bitchy because today was seriously the last straw. Asking me ARE YOU HAPPY? is like asking for trouble, especially since both Jiawei and I had to deal with many a sleepless nights for this (some of which, was caused by you). I'm not asking you to become magically responsible and know how to do stuff, but I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate if you had the personal intiative to stop living in your own world for a while and realise that things need to be done. Like call and ask if we need any help instead of waiting for us to call you. (I swear, I can count with one hand the number of times you called me as opposed to the number of times I've called you) Or offering to do a share of work when tasks need to be done. Not backing out would be appreciated too - you just get so bloody emotional over small things and think "Oh! the solution to this is for me to disappear!!" and then we're left with MORE work to do (who else to clean up your mess after you're gone?)
Look. I want to make this work, I want to keep our friendship so stop pushing me. You're 20, not 10. I understand if you don't want to deal with bills and payment plans because that requires a prior knowledge but things like calling, texting or just dropping by to help would be much appreciated. It's just like....sometimes I don't understand why the hell you want to be in Melbourne when all you do is stay all day inside your room. Aren't you interested in the world around you? Don't you want to explore the place? If all you want to do is hang out in your room and world, you might as well save your money and study in Singapore.
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:51 p.m.+
i'm constantly torn between feeling amused and irritated.
i can't wait to go home.
things to do
- settle TPG
- ask $$$ back from jw and audy
- go to bank
- pay rent
- pay crescent
- iron clothing
- pack to go SG
- call/email gu jie
tomorrow
- shopping with jw (promised)
- send her off to airport
- gas cans@coles
- vanbar's e6 process
- arrange room more
within this week
- paint table
- go beach
- scan film on fri
.........and try not to murder anyone while doing so. wow. i really do have a short temper (i just don't show it enough i guess....REPRESSSSSSION!!!). i wish i had more money to go japan too, moving house has made me so broke ;______; WHYYYYY
*sighs*
not to mention jw can only pay me back in jan :/ well, at least the house is very nicely set up. i think i'll go home and veg infront of the tv or something.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:03 a.m.+
OK! let's start backwards~ because backwards is easier than forwards, and everything is kinda jumbled up now so like it's easier for me to start from now and then move back. Yeah.
Today
- soulvaki at LAMBS!
- pork is nice
- custard thing is also very nice<3
- PAINTED TABLE!!!!!!
- it looks really good, and totally photogenic
- FINISHED SOFAA!!!!
- is so big.
- big like BFG size
- just big.
- BUT AWESOMEEEEEEE
- got wooden planks and paint
- vaccumed house
- photoshoot with audy in the morning
- I GOT A POLAROID CAMERAAAAAA! :D
- and like loads of processing/developing stuff
yesterday
- design festival
- OMG SO EXPENSIVE
- got a bunch of books
- lygon court
- went to annoy audy
- bad night
day before yesterday
- breakfast at green!!
- PANCAKES N VIETNAMESE ROLLS
- GOD IS MY PANCAKE AND I AM HIS SYRUP<33333
- da-bao'ed dondon for dinner
- LOCKSMITH!!! door got stuck grr
- omg 150 D:
- watched mythbusters, ironchef, x-men2 and team america
- OMG TEAM AMERICA!!
- hahaha dicks, pussies and assholes analogy
- the I Am Ronery Kim Jong-il song is hilarious too
Friday
- MOVING DAY!
- superbusy
- finished everything in an hour
- cleaned and fixed loads of things
- dishes! plates! furnishings! (tsu has lots)
- Alasya dinner
- iskender is nice
- audy stayover
- carpet man at 9am LOL
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:31 a.m.+
It's been a rough week. Rough like sandpaper and frozen snow, but yet I can't help but feel a deep sense of -something- washing over, like a jittery anticipation because I believe good things will come soon.
The house is looking better and better, and we cleared the yard! It was so disgusting, but it's very cleared now. I have a whole pile of mosquito bites though :((( they're really annoying and itchy. The stuff happened to nermal :(((( I just don't feel like talking about it I guess, it's just too depressing.....
swallowing glass just to stay pure
cleaned up the coburg house, jiawei called saying the locks in parkville was broken so much call HS tmr then packed last of my stuff for the move and watched Queer as Folk and Great Happiness Space. I've always wanted to watch that documentary, and I feel really justified because it was really really good because it showed you and let the people speak for themselves without an overbearing (re:micheal moore) narrator.
It's fascinating because you can draw parallels between the talent agency industry and host club industry. First is the caste system of course, and the resulting lack of social mobility (vicious cycle?). Being burakumin (entertainers and prosituites share the same social class) meant that they can't ever go back to 'normal' society......technically burakumin discrimination is illegal now but companies still hire P.Is to investigate potential employees. Besides being in the same social class, both JE and host club people work towards selling illusions - selling the idea of 'love' and are paid by how well they sell it. In host clubs it would be paid via customers who buy drinks, in JE it would be via concerts, merch. and of course - drama ratings.
the list goes on really; short career lifespan, lack of outlet/industry burnouts, constant performance.....hell, they even LOOK similar! the greatest difference is that JE is groomed from young wheras host clubbing is a 'subset' industry stemming from the emotional void in women sex workers thus most host men are usually conscious of their decision. Both industries are highly exploitative to workers AND customers though.
ah. anyway i should sleep soon. mover guy coming at 12.30! I think I'm so awake because i had a nap in the evening, ah well...
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:54 a.m.+
you liked to watch you laughing
take only what you need from it
moving gets easier everytime. it's my 3rd move of the year, how terrible is that? sometimes i feel a bit like a nomad with my life all scattered like paper planes and wind. i just can't tell anymore, a taste of the wind and in my mind, i summon the amateur metrologist: hmm, is a good day hunting? and inside there's a shift - a very basic, visercal shift because i know then it's time to go. move on.
lately i've been thinking of doing postgrad in law. the economy terrifies me, the uncertainty terrifies me. i crave stability and security, and defy anyone who challenges that. what's wrong with a 9-5 job and a picket fence if that is what you value, right? work is work, happiness and 'self' time is something else. i am very good at compartmentalising my life, and tbh - i don't need to do my hobby to become my job. in fact, i think it might detract from the pleasure. pleasure what i do to cool off, work is what gives me high-tension and a different kind of satisfaction. the satisfaction of being a professional, of completing things effectively.
but that's another 1.5 years till i decide, so i'm holding it off and enjoying undergrad life till then :D
anyway i can't wait to move into the house...quite sick of living in coburg and OMG!, my room is great. i really like the place, and i can't wait to move on friday<333 it's not just having a new place, but somewhere to just stop at. it's so important to me, because i just want a break and be a normal happy undergrad and carefree and not feel so worried and stressed all the time. back to happier matters, i've gotten a rough idea what to paint the dining table (mondrian in navy), my bookshelf (osakana), bedside table (puppet circus!) and study desk (chandelier??) - all in light clear blue and white. I really like a light blue x white x dramatic!colour type palette. it's kinda cool and refreshing and icy and soothing but contrasty at the same time.
on another note, i think i need a trim. my hair is really long now, at least down to my bra strap across the back. i'm going to keep it longer, but it desperately needs a trim (so does my fringe and sides LOL) and i've been looking like shit lately due to stress, post-schoolwork trauma and general bad behaviour LOL i should sleep earlier, drink more water and eat more vegatables! ok. i'll try aiming for 'drink water' and 'eat vegetables'......no more doner kebab takeout i guess D:
and i cleaned my ear today 'cause it was feeling itchy and omg! it was sooooo dirty D: even i was quite shocked because usually my ears are quite clean....i just realised this is such a random thing to say. anyway yea. did a lot of packing today too, which wasn't as hard as i expected it to be. jiawei's advice is really good! she was like; 'just throw everything and stop hoarding. throwing is easier than packing'. anyway i've thrown out 2 garbage bags full of shit and most of my stuff is packed except for kitchen stuff and a couple of small things i.e. alarm clock, heater. surprisingly selling clothes really helped because i really do have less now thank goodness
quite happy but guilty over the alice trump jsk~ on one hand i'm so happy to get it for such a good price, on the other i should be saving for japan and household expensies :x but! happy to get it in blue and alicey~~<3333 I really like light blue with black or red, it's my current favourite colourscheme for everything. it's a bit traditional yet unexpected, and there's so many ways to red and blue. you can go really french with navy and burgendy, or modern with ice blue and pure red or pop with alizarin and ultramarine (soooo warholesque lol) or even candyish with lego red and robin blue. i guess it really helps that i suit that colourscheme too, since it's very high contrast and goes well with my yellow-red skintone.
enough of me talking. tomorrow telstra and goodguys, so i need to sleep early....urgh i haven't even taken a bath yet! D:
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:12 a.m.+
urgh so tired that I slept at 1am yesterday, which is really early in my book. Woke up at 10.30 and changed to meet jiawei at collins street so that we could tram up to box hill....I think she's really tired of moving too, because she called me at 2.55am (!) to give me a meeting time. apparently she fell asleep right after she got home, and woke up halfway just for googlemap. anyway i was early, so i bought myself some crepes from concorde@GPO and they were really awesome!<3333 i want to have more nutella crepes, it's so good ;_;
went up to box hill, which was the last stop for the bloody 109 line.....i don't like taking 109 because it's smelly and cramped, so i just sat at the corner and dozed off. managed to find cunningham street and god - box hill looks EXACTLY like a random street from china/hk SO RANDOM. like suddenly all the signboards was in chinese, then there was litter and those skinny lightposts and carparks and the entire feel/smell of the place was like a random asian city hahahaha sooooo weird
got the Man with A Van moving service which was really good - great service and quick too. Picked up audy's wradrobe on the way to jiawei's place, bloody Ikea took so bloody long so we wasted time looking at emos/strange ppl while waiting for our number to be called. Got jiawei's stuff then went over to the house. woohoo! it's beginning to look nicer and nicer now, especially since we cleared all the cardboard. i kept one sheet for my room though since i'm painting my table(s).
went to boost to sort out accounts, then went home. urgh i have a headache now x_X i think tired....had a quick dinner (curried sizzlesteak) and then packed my room a bit. tomorrow is more packing and cleaning - and maybe stealing a trolley??
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:13 p.m.+
SO COLD AND SLEEPY. WANT TO HIBERNATE NOW
build ikea furniture
swore at the furniture in english, japanese, hokkien...
mostly kan ni na your mother your father your yeye your sister etc etc etc
DAMNED NUT OPENER AND ALLEN KEY
holes weren't even drilled properly
rained the entire day
so cold so cold so cold turn on heater
*shiverssssss*
now must type up excel for payments
do by monday
SO COLD WANNA DIE LAH
dinner at shinjuku sushi
bad name but nice food
so cold ok im gonna take a HOT BATH NOW
go get washing machine tmr from box hill and pass mina her things
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:27 p.m.+
went ikea today! urgh, we got so many things it was crazy okay. total spent: 1952, which is more or less equal to a month's rent. but we got TONS of cool stuff for our house, and i'm really happy with the purchases even if they're a bit bulky
1 sofa frame, 1 bed frame, 3 matteresses, 3 bookcases, 1 dining table, 2 big desks + 1 small desk, 3 up-lights, 1 table lamp, 1 paper stand-lamp, 2 floor rugs, 1 toilet rug, 1 blanket-throw, 1 crocodile and 1 panda as well as various knicknacks that each of us wanted personally....it's kinda fun shopping with people to decorate houses, you can really see their taste in things!
like for me personally, i like muted colours with 1 saturated tone. most of my things are pale blonde beech wood, my sheets are pale dusty blue and light blue and the only splash of colour i have is hints of bright pure red. jiawei's one is allllllllll rich, jewel colours (wtf lime green with purple bedsheets! and redwood shelves) while audy's is the most minimalist/modernist with lots of black, white and quirky pattern...i think the way we decorate really shows our personalities???!?! lol
our living room is kinda cool though~ we have a RED sofa with a navy-retro pattern throw (and 3 big stuffed cushions in matchiny navy, red and black) and all our toilet rugs are matching warm-tones of cream, yellow and orange. overall i think we have a pretty nice colourscheme~ it's kinda cheerful and neutral, with bits of strong contrast here and there. maybe if we bug jiawei hard enough she'll let me put fairylights on the staircase so it looks *~seasonal~* year round LOL
then we had lunch there and ate enough for a family of 4. and i had cake so i was happy and jiawei/audy ate all my carrots and peas so yay and everything was really heavy and we had FOUR trolleys full and the guy was laughing at us when we went to pay and then the delivery guy was so funny and it was soooooooooo cold because it was raining outside so we hailed a cab to drop everything off at parkville. and when the cab came, some idiot-guy tried to get it from us wtf :/
went to parkville and checked out the place and assembled the lights and tmr we're gonna do the rest of the furniture...bleh i was so tired i just bought takeaway and now i just want to sleep. nights y'all
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:09 a.m.+
I have a retarded amount of work to do but my inclination = 0%. Sometimes I wish I had someone to rely on that I know won't fuck up halfway, not be there, not turn up....I really envy those people who have someone to count on (not in a romantic sense, just in a 'I know you're there and I can rely on you to complete the task') I just feel sometimes I have a huge pile of responsibility and none of it is shrinking.....I came to Melbourne to be a normal person; y'know - the whole carefree university attitude and instead I'm mostly @_@ + DDDD: I feel like I'm perpetually D: for the past few weeks anyhow, oh shit - do I have wrinkles or what?
Honestly it'll be great to delegate some work out. The thing is, there's no one else to count on because if they fuck up then *I'LL* have to clean it up and it would be a bigger mess. Take today. I was really really tired.....I thought I could count on UtiltyOne since it's such a recommended system but they fucked up our Telstra registration, which in turn fucks up my application for TPG ISP. So okay, I told Jiawei you go call Telstra and I will handle the house-thing. But Telstra gave her shit and then she freaked and started cussing and THEN(!) we realised the auctions we were bidding on (fridge, washing machine) didn't fit the house specifications and I tried calling Audrey but she didn't pick up (we REALLY REALLY needed someone to watch the auctions while Jiawei went to HockingStuart and I was all the way in Parkville) and I was just mostly DDDDD: Anyway it got sorted, which is good.
So now, OK. Now it's money problems, and I has shortage of funds. I just drafted an email to dad yesterday (it took me 3 hours..) and now mom wants me to send another one to Gu Jie for 1,800sgd and I'm like D: I only asked for 300! wah liaoz. I really hate drafting emails to my family ok? I would rather repeat today 100x than draft an email to my family. Yeah man, I totally dread it (like CNY). Urgh. I don't even know if it's even like this but mom said so, so what to do? shikata nai and suck it up lor
I just feel so frazzled. There are just so many things to do. So. Many. Things. To. Do. Tomorrow have to go Ikea, which means another round of payments and delivery confirmations to deal with. I really want a holiday. Actually, I totally deserve my holiday this year (one for the soma, two for a journey to the darkside of the moon) because like whatthefuckshit keeps happening. Although, I think this is still less stressful than eviction, not that anyone cares meh.
I feel so fucking old at times and I'm only 20.
Sometimes I think I'll get tired of living. I'll just think one day, what's the point of struggling to go on and living? And just leave. Blank out. Die. Something. It's not like I consciously think 'OK. I wanna die.' but more like, I don't really care if I live or die sometimes.....I know Jiawei is scared of dying, Audy even moreso but I just can't care sometimes about living. There's stuff I want to do and see of course, but it's more of a 'would like to' than a burning, passionate desire.
I guess that's why I don't really care what I become when I grow up. I don't even think I will ever change much, unless something life-altering happens. If I continue on like this now, it will be full of 'same-ness'. Experieces and places are different, but the feeling is the same. I know I really couldn't give a fuck about photography or writing anymore, because I think....I am not very passionate about it. I am dedicated enough that I enjoy the technical mastery, but that's just it - technical mastery. There isn't really much passion in it. Maybe the closest thing I will feel to being passionate is painting and charcoal, but that's mostly because the measuredness requires some level of intensity and concentration anyway.
So. I don't know. I think I know what I should do now, and I care/don't care enough that I just want to achieve a level of competence. After reaching that level, I will just devote my time to other things.....what gives me pleasure doesn't need to be my work. I think, I would enjoy my hobbies less if I had to do it as a job. I don't really like to share either. No DA, stopped going to flickr meets, didn't go for theatre invitations.....hahahaha. I'm probably the most boring person on earth.
no, not really. I just really don't like to share i think. i don't like writing, i don't like typing. i only blog because i have questions - things that need to be answered, that is otherwise unanswerable unless given an outlet. i hate msn, i detest livejournal which is why i firmly remain in pitas (because i am here, it gives me a center, and i honestly don't give a fuck about comments) except in a reluctant for-show kinda way.
i've actually been thinking a lot about the future, especially since so many people are graduating soon (and such is the economy in recession). I've considered options; postgrad, JET, gap year etc etc and I have finally come to the conclusion that JET = Out. Certainly it is tempting, certainly I have considered it but I think it isn't right for me.
My greatest reservation about JET is that I don't think you learn anything different from it. Yes, there is a level of immersion, but it isn't in the Japanese culture because the immersion is only on an expat level. Also, it reminds me too much of a 'college-kid' job. Like baby adulthood. You trick yourself into thinking: 'ah! this is adulthood!' but it isn't. It's a self-contained microsystem of a universe that has NOTHING to do with your actual life. (which is why they don't even check your degree) It would be basically the same as an overseas university experience (which I am currently living now) and therefore, a waste of time.
Most likely, I will either remain in Australia to work or continue postgrad: law in USA. I'm relatively interested in IP law, and it's a good growth field I think.....otherwise I will try to get a job here to gain experience. These are only tentative plans though, there's still 1.5 years which I intend to take full advantage of anyhow......it's good to be flexible, isn't it?
Anyway, list to things to do next week:
Sat, Caitlin, box hill, washing machine
Sun, mpraf, melbourne central
Mon, pack stuff
Tues, telstra 1-5pm goodguys 1pm
email dad a/c no.
email gu jie
email shirley abt the clipping
redo enrolment
change payment plan
send all the new things to ppl
pack house
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:42 a.m.+
I am so freakin' tired it isn't even funny. I actually slept and missed my stop and ended up at the end of Coburg (again). The tram conductor was like 'hey where are you planning to go miss?' and I was like, oh shit :/
woke up traumatically this morning. why do people call me the moment they run into problems? I should be like audrey, and slient my bloody phone when I sleep but nooooooooooo SOMEONE has to do it, and usually that person is me. anyway, the panic being that we bidded on a fridge too big for our house and jiawei was like D: D: D: HOWWW!??? and i was like whut. i barely woke up. so blearly. in 15mins i was out of the house and on my way to parkville with a measuring tape and i totally left mina's stuff in my house (argh)
had to go back, but was too late to catch her so i'm meeting her on sunday. met up with jiawei at the library where she was cursing telstra and utilityone so i told her - OK. you watch the auction, let me sort out telstra and utilityone. ended up being that U1 gave us the wrong telephone number for telstra (therefore ended up with some dude called martin) and that all we needed to do was rearrange a connection time and like bam! 1-5pm tuesday 25th BESTTTTT i was practically holding the line for 30mins or something lol but omg weird azn call centre wtf
met up with audy, went to good guys in essendon which was so fucking far and all the way up the hill/dogshit pile/incline and got ourselves a dryer, fridge and mircowave. and oooo! massage chairs are nice. got ourselves a discount too, which was awesome and full of yay. it totalled up to being 1036 for everything, and i'm gonna have to do the pickup on tuesday *lesigh* ah well, shikata nai. at least it's the same day as telstra! saturday have to go boxhill and collect washing machine too....then after telstra gets installed can settle TPG internet line
pacific dinner, creme caramel and strawberry crepe dessert which was pretty good na~~~ tired.... gonna bathe and sleep soon after i finish reading kuroshitsuji and la corda d'oro. urghhh WHY DOES BORDERS ONLY HAVE UP TO 7??? SO ANNOYED :X actually i need to send my clothes for dryclean and like,do some drying too :/
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:49 p.m.+
all of us
just standing
all of us
just waiting
for that very special something
like UFOs
like stana claus
in dreamhunting; you take all of it
didn't think it'll hurt
did you?
FINALS ARE OVERRRRRRRRRRR!
handed up that final shit at 5pm. THANKS BE TO THE UNIVERSE. dinner at izakaya chuji and ate tons of stuff liek omg enough to feed a small family liek orly *-*~<3 chuu~! anyway dinner was really nice even though the pig of jiawei was sleeping and came so late LOL i think we overstayed our welcome a bit, but they didn't kick us out anyway. the anmitsu was really nice too, i like the jelly! and the redbean is very smooth<3333 i think the best new dish was the yukke (marinated raw beef with salad and egg yolk) it was like raw sukiyaki! so delicious~ *-*
things got a bit ugly halfway though - i really don't like it when people needle me too much. it's just annoying. i wasn't drunk, so stop imposing that i was......it's like when i'm happy you say i'm drunk, when i'm not you say i'm boring. OK. point taken. sometimes i don't want to talk to you because you make me feel bad about being myself and i just get tired of your needling :/ i know you mean it as a joke, but sometimes i get really fed up with it. not to mention listening to your own music on the table is really rude.....it's akin to talking to your handphone while having dinner
ANYWAY.
went to korean grocery later, dumped audrey home and went to the library to drink. OMG SO FUNNY. the security guard came to inspect, but apparently jiawei and i are very intelligent drunks (we were talking about history and postmodernism and the subject cuts) so he just sighed, WALKED AROUND US and left us alone! hahahahahahaha it was damned funny. i remember at one point (around the 2nd bottle of midori) we were ranting about saatchi & saatchi and how they were onset to world domination and how we're all gonna end up in hell because it's all LIES!LIES!LIES! and like next year, we had to do postmodernism subjects so better go buy a liqour cabinet make the paaaaaaain go away
although, i disagree a bit on marketing research. i personally think psychographics isn't as useful as it is (overhyped?) because it breaks the first rule of psychology: that correlation and causation are two seperate things. people having tendencies doesn't always translate to a cause for something (which is what marketers assume).....i have a lousy rephrasing, but i'm thinking more like generational attitudes towards consumerism in general is better gauge on the product. for instance the current neo-liberal economic policies reflect greater credit spending, which therefore leads to more consumerism....therefore politics itself is a kind of media to consumerism....not to mention instant gratification being the common attitude.
we were comparing lipton and golden gaytime as well as nutella (and health products like glaxo-something-something) and cologomerates....the tedency *IS* towards greater homogeniatey, whether people like it or not...i personally think it's not a bad thing because the more 'same' people become, the less conflict arises. it's like the question on RESPECTING CULTURAL DIFFERENCES(!)...honestly i think cultural differences is a whole load of bullshit and then some. the analogy i used was m&m's - you can be a red one, blue one, green one or whatever but IN ESSENCE EVERYONE IS A CHOCOLATELY BROWN (even if you have peanuts or crisps inside lol)
totally shikata nai lah, man's inhumanity to man
respecting cultural diff. is one thing
but silence is like consensual cruelty????
jiawei says that you can only accept cultural differences if they aren't cruel....but i think, a bit too broad. defining cruelty means you have to define a moral ground (which everyone with a mouth would disagree on) so i think, you can accept cultural differences IF they do not lead to regression. it's more 'passive' in that sense, because some people think america's obesity is cruel at the same time honor killings are cruel too. regression is a better yardstick because it ensures that humanity never laspes to a stagnant cycle but continues in a spiral......
......assuming it goes upwards of course D:
but that's the whole point of preventing regression isn't it?
yeah so we talked and drank midori and LOL techno-trance at melbourne bar! god so noisy and it's only tuesday. hilarious to watch teenagers throwing themselves on the balcony though (they were across the street from us) and ate like popcorn chocolate biscuits - for some reason they taste good with drinks, probably because the crust is slightly salty. midori is really easy to drink though, i'm so surprised. it really tastes like a softdrink. very mild, melon flavour that is the most inoffensive tasting stuff ever and no wonder kids like it so much. it tastes EXACTLY like a chupa chupps flavour. cream melon or whatever. i reckon i should get a bottle of that and chuck it in my new place before i begin postmodernism :/ i hate the subject cuts so much.... most likely needing to do consumer lifestyles instead (as though i haven't done enough psychographics in a lifetime whut)
kinda tired, busy day tmr!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:40 a.m.+
It's been a long time since I blogged hasn't it? Somehow, everything unwritten seems to float backwards like polytonal sundays. I think of ballooons, and each one a different child holding a seperate colour
essay week was a draining nightmare that is still too near to be unreal, yet when you think back you're like: ah, how could it have happened? it's too surreal. you think back until things are like fogged mirrors, still close enough to be true but too hard to actually realise anything - if you even could; anymore.
i mostly remember typing at night with not sound or song, the tapping keys are my only friend and how my wrist hurt so much afterwards. i remember being hungry, but i remember eating soba and doner kebabs and mostly - sunsets. that's right isn't it? what i remembered most was the sun. the sunrise that told me it was time to sleep, the honking noise of birds and the cold, greylight that cast like a pale glowing blue flame: wolflight; that's what they used to call it in the olden days. then wake up at 12, and back to work. you only left for a walk during sunset for food and nothing else.
- walking out in:
warm afternoon sunshine, syrupy sweet and golden like saturday memories and lemony cakes, the first time you've had a break today. walk slower and slower as you breathe it in, all the clean air and freedom and next to you is cars and people going home, going back, going somewhere and it's like that...all evenings. garlic sauce in a bag, and each walk home is the same and different. it takes 10mins on a run, but here you want to make it as long as possible as though you're trying to say: let this moment last forever. such is it to live in between days.
Tired....I really didn't like today. Had to go for the exhibition, was late because of jiawei :/ I'm now worried our essays are too similar......actually I'm wondering if I should've helped her at all. It's like today at the exhibition and I realised all these people I helped yet I was doing an injustice to myself....why did I help people get more marks than me?!?! we're all marked on a bell curve. I feel like I should be more reserved about things like that , because I get annoyed and frustrated otherwise. It's like I don't ever get credit for what I do .___.
in truth i feel really frustrated with everyone. it's like people now expect me to do everything for them. organising the house hunting was me, then connecting the water/electricity is me again. in schoolwork if people want someone with a quick answer for a clone stamp or whatever, the first person they ask is me and i just feel really really taken advantage of. it's not like they're even paying me to do it for them either .______. like all the promises people made, they just break them all the time. i never got paid (when i should've) and now i'm totally at a loss for how to get my money for all the work i did.
in truth, i don't even know if i want to stay in photography any longer. i like it, but i don't think it's the medium for me. at the same time, doing creative writing has killed whatever interest i had in becoming a writer......a small part of myself wishes that i did something more 9-5 instead. mostly because i don't want to be around people now, i'm just so fed up with them i can't think of anything interesting besides GO AWAY.
i don't know. i don't even know why i'm in a media degree. i feel socially awkward most of the time.....or actually, maybe it's just today. i just felt really awful for some reason. i didn't want to come for the exhibition at all, i don't care if it was my own. it's not like when i exhibited with mr james or PKW. this was just weird and uncomfortable-ish. it's like: i appreciated everyone coming, but i didn't want to be there myself..... i think part of my discomfort is that i don't feel close to any of the students and that it seemed so scattered with everyone's images everywhere. incoherent.
god i feel so fucking cranky i don't even want to start on my other essay.
*sighs*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:33 a.m.+
Slept for 2 hours and woke up at some ungodly hour AGAIN. god. i hate deadlines. anyway went to uni to print the last of orpheus project which was totally, absolutely AWESOME. omg. my tutor liked it so much she wants to BUY my photos. as in. OMG SOMEONE WANTS TO BUY MY PHOTOS(!!!!111oneone) unbelievable. are they really that good? hahaha she wants me to send them to avon (postcard makers) too since they market young people's artwork.
went to dean's art who said they couldn't frame for me, so they redirected me to hardware lane who said the EXACT same thing (too many orders, earliest next week.) it makes me wonder if every single art student from monash/unimelb/rmit is doing the exact same thing and paying for framing lol....looks like everyone sucks at mounting photos! hardware lane redirected me to cae (in flinders) who redirected me to manchester lane gallery and FINALLY, the gallery owner took pity on me and did a google search to find this dude called Paul in west st. kilda. YEAH. St Klida. what to do? i didn't have a choice so i just went there.
and it was RAINING. like bloody hell, yesterday it was sweltering at 28 and then suddenly it drops back to what - 13? complete with RAIN (as in downpour, not drizzle) and wind. I had the sense to wear my super-big black jacket today which kept me fairly warm and dry (if the hood kept slipping over my face :/) This guy, Paul, was really a pro though at framing. I've never seen my prints mounted so beautifully before, even Dean's Art doesn't get it carefully mounted. Apparently he does a lot of professional work for museums and stuff, which would explain the level of care in his work. His office is actually his house(?) LOL, so dodgy. He has a duckie shower curtain seperating the reception from his home! hahahaha
raced back to SCA to submit and did a quick job writing the 200 word mini-essay thing to explain your concept blah blah....
anyway, the point being:
PHOTOGRAPHY IS OFFICIALLY OVERRRRRR!
was walking home when suddenly I felt like calling audy to collect my KAT-TUN QUEEN OF PIRATES SHIRT. yes, it's so awesome that it must be mentioned in caps. it says QUEEN OF PIRATES in gold with a huge silver skull. which is strangely cute yet sexy yet scary (does that explain my feelings towards KT? lol) it's surprisingly made of a very nice knit, very fine and stretchy and VERY VERY SPARKLY. QUEEN OF PIRATES IS LOVE!<333333333333333333 hahaha even audy wants one!
dinner at sushi masa and accidentally overwalked (wat?) because i was so tired and hungry and took the tram home and nearly overslept BUT I SET MY PHONE ON ALARM! HAH! it's approx 30mins from unimelb to north coburg, so I just set my handphone to ring hahahahhaa....it works though, really well.
ok. off to sleep and tmr it's essay again. heaven or hell let's fight!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:49 p.m.+
woah I'm so tired today I fell asleep on the tram and missed my stop and ended up in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE in coburg. i was really really tired and now i have an awful neck crick from sleeping sideways on the tram :/ it feels terrible.
woke up at the godforsakened hour of 8am (although to be honest i set my alarm at 7.30, i just snoozed till 8) and crawled my way to vanbar's and uni. did a test print. resized images. then the halloween monster aka. PAPER JAM ated my paper and i was really pissed off because it kept fucking up all the landscape shots so i turned ALL of them to potrait shots. the best part? ALL THE EPSON PROFILES WORKED! rejoice! although i admit to being super kiasu and putting the profile in all the folders in library/coloursync. nonetheless, it printed beautifully, and thank you Les Walking for teaching me how to do softproofing and gamut warning and loading profiles and awesome shizzles like that. soft proofing is probably the greatest asset known to mankind, simply because it ensures you can tweak the balance to compensate for paper colour et al. WINNAR!!!
still, it took me a good 2 hours to print 4 A3 photos. the problem wasn't with the images, but with the pigment spooler network which was taking FOREVER to send an image to the printer driver. ARGH. not to mention everyone else was equally caught up with work and some were test printing and others were printing even larger and shit. god. and i still have to be back on friday because i'm still short of 2 images :x
finished printing the first 4, then took a train to bond imaging in richmond to pickup my b/ws. argh. i swear once i've moved and settled down i'm going to bloody do my own B/W processing because it's such a NIGHTMARE. it's expensive, difficult to travel to and you practically pay them to stratch your freakin' negatives. i swear the way film people discuss neg treatment is almost religious (or at least, i am. i'm religious about colour and quality and won't hesitate to pay monies for good quality paper/film)
then i realized halfway in the day (when i was going to call jiawei) that OMG I LEFT MY HANDPHONE AT HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah man, talk about annoying. so i dropped by coles and bought weisz mango icecream bars to bribe jiawei into scanning my film while dropping in unannounced. it's not good to drop in uninvited without food especially if you're dealing with a stressed out, irritable, cranky jiawei (whom you must convince that YES! SCANNING YOUR FILM IS A LIFE/DEATH SITUATION more important than reading 3rd world poverty) anyway got my film scanned, and looks like tomorrow will be a busy day of photoshopping, photochopping and massive layerz
walked to melbourne central, i was so bloody hungry. note: i hadn't eaten the entire day, or the day before (remember? didn't cook?) and i was pratically STRAVING D: D: D: I finished: 1 box of sashi don, 1 yam icecream puff, 2 sausage rolls, 1 green tea crepe and a doner kebab. amazing right? o.o i was just really hungry.... exam periods are the worst for me, because i forget about everything else except what i have to do immediately. i just end up absolutely zombie-like, and it's horrible
listening to AIR. for some reason, this track always reminds me of a huge desert, in the middle of the moon with astronaunts airwalking over the surface in soft, hoppy, bops. and the horizon is purple with a rising, coppery tint at the base and then you can hear the choppy static as he goes 'we have reach base sir.' 'okay houston.' 'out.'
12 already. i think i'm off to sleep. i can barely stay awake with my attention wandering like such. so sleepy. urgh. my feet stink. tomorrow finish the last 2 photos, then cook dinner/porridge. need to cleanse system. sleep earlier and wake up for friday. urgh. must mount also. urgh.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:23 p.m.+
i almost eternally hate waking up, and today was no expection. the only time i ever feel like waking up is when i'm waking up on my own, and not with an alarm clock. anyway today i did the old '5-more-minutes' which ended up being more like 30mins, not that it actually mattered since it was a public holiday. ARGH. public holiday = nothing open = cannot buy epson paper = cannot print. i did go to uni though, and at least - at least i know what works and what doesn't since i did a contact sheet and can print tomorrow. cherie agreed that the dark red border actually worked too, which makes me immensely relieved.
nasi lemak at nosiah's kitchen for dinuch aka. dinner-lunch. met up with jiawei shortly to discuss what to do if audy broke the lease, and came up with a (rough) contingency plan that is sort-of legal, without actually forfeiting the lease name or doing a sublet. mostly i'm just tired. i've reached a stage when all i can say is 'OK.' and that's it. simply said, i'm just wiping my hands off this business; she wants to stay that's great she wants to move back to unilodge that's fine too. no pressure.
anyway for those who don't know, today is melbourne cup day when hordes of well-dressed (some say foolishly dressed) people descend upon flemington racecourse to drink oodles of alcohol, have turf-sex and bet on horses. this is also why the entire city was pretty much deserted (and closed) which makes it a nice, if slightly chilly, day to stroll and people watch. there was this bunch of women down at flinders dressed in matching prison stripes complete with hanging iron manacles LOL
ran into someone interesting at the tramstop, this old lady who was coming from royal hospital. she was pretty nice, and gave me a flower (she was holding a large bouquet and this particular one was falling off). apparently it's native to perth/western australia, and the species is known as Geraldton Wax (sp?). it looks a bit like a thistle, and i've seen it around melbourne uni too. it smells quite nice as well. anyway we had quite a lot of fun talking, even if we didn't exchange names.
went home, and now i'm researching on UNAIDS. it's so boring i could cry Dx i'm not really reading it though, just bookmarking the relevant pages on whatever turns up on google. my concentration isn't there, and i keep sufing egl/y!j/d_l/youtube instead. goal tonight: bookmark ALL the UNAIDS pages, and read that bloody creative writing reader and pick 2 stories. most likely i'll pick the first story about the accountant and the persimmon tree one, just because it's easy to rant on and it's 2 different styles so i won't feel like i'm shitting too much/repeating myself.
for those who are shopping-inclined, rejoice! for the US dollar and Japanese yen is *FINALLY* 1:1 (well, more like 1 is to 1.01, but we're getting there). i guess despite the slowdown and deleveraging, the economy is getting more stabilised.........or at least, more used to the idea of being in an economic slump LOL it's not economic depression that is worrying, it's people!panic that is because panicking makes everything worse. 1 : 1 isn't too bad a ratio, considering it was so inflated just a week or so back. the only problem being that AUD is basically worthless now, and hasn't really picked up at all. i'm not surprised since Aust is mostly an agri-commodity country, and with manufacturing slowing to standstill due to the lack of consumer demand as well as the lower value of agri products in general..........well, i don't suppose it will pick up anytime soon.
hmm wonder if i should do india or thailand :/ both have pretty large campaigns. better go check the marking criteria to determine which is more suitable......tomorrow: WAKE UP AT 8AM!!!!!!! go vanbar's IMMEDIATELY and buy epson archival matte paper (A3), go lab, load profile and PRINT. print orpheus 3 first because the difference/inversion makes it harder as the day goes on (dithering, offscale). afterwards go bond imaging, collect B/W illford 100 and go jiawei's house to scan (BRING MAC CABLE!).
god i'm so hungry now DDDDDDDDDD: and i have no fooooooood Dx *is unhappy and sadface* and my housemate's spaghetti smells so good ashqefgrqjhdj okay that's it. instant noodles time!!!! i swear tomorrow i will be a good girl and buy groceries and stop living off raspberry chocolate 70%. i love that stuff, but after 3 days of eating it nonstop for breakfast lunch and dinner i crave something salty. argh.
*no energy*
*should cook*
*no energy*
*should cook*
:/ :/ :/ :/ :/
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:21 p.m.+
raining all bloody day. signed lease (more on that later) and then went to richmond. got lost in ceremone street, apparently you have to go to stephenson then gwynth street so i ended up walking back and forth ceremone street in the rain :/ the worst news was that i could only get my film back on wednesday (BAD) because tuesday was cup day and a public holiday. FUCKFUCKFUCK. it's like the worst news ever because i'm due for printing on tuesday and fuck, if it ain't open how the hell am i going to print?! the university might be open, but the maclab relies on the staff/technicians to run it and OMG. SO DED.
the second part being that orpheus project is turning bigger and more annoying than expected. it is hard. getting the image, tone and aesthetic coherent is more difficult than i thought - even on photoshop it doesn't really help :x also i think vanbar damaged the film slightly, because i end up editing out all the white splotches, watermarks(!) and stratches(!!) all by hand with a clone tool. particularly for cloud set 3, there's a huge huge watermark that is a bitch to erase. it doesn't help that i'm scanning at 4000dpi, so every flaw is magnified.
haven't really been sleeping properly either :/ i'm so stressed my jaw aches from pressing my teeth together too hard...my back molars ache when i eat, and it's really annoying but i seem to do it unconsciously. i feel like i need a chew toy or something, so that i can get rid of some stress. there's photography but there's asian PR and other stuff too. i've manged to finish 2 readings for PR, but i haven't started on a campaign yet and don't even think of creative writing. i feel so fucking dead, and at the same time there's the entire issue of leasing/housing/moving out.
to cut the long story short, audrey doesn't want to live with us anymore but we've already signed the lease. it's illegal to sublet a room (ie. get someone to stay in her place) so we're left with an empty room. it's not a matter of payment, it's also that a 3 bedroom house feels really strange when only 2 people are living in it. if she had told us earlier, jiawei and i would simply find a 2-person apartment (not to mention al was moving out at the same time , so we could've taken over his lease at bouverie rise which is nearer the city/uni). i'm too tired to go through the entire thing again, but that pretty much sums it up. it just adds another layer of unneeded stress right now, since everyone is already so jumpy from the deadlines.
i'm just tired of talking about it.
watched Louis Theroux today, he's a fascinating documenter. I like the fact that he doesn't lead or force his views on the subjects, so the judgement is ultimately based on the audience perspectives. Nonetheless, he does make his points quite clear.
didn't really manage to get a chance to talk about how the colour workshop went through, but it was really good. I felt kinda awkward at first being the only participant still studying but it was still ok. there's a lot of technical details, but it makes a lot of sense. basically, the whole point of colour management is to run a set of known numbered-colours to an unknown device to check how much it fucks up the known set. from there, you take the data to make a profile for the device. the profile works by compensating how much the device fucks up colour. ta da! end of story. the rest of it is nitty gritty ie. how to use this software, what calibrators are the best, jargon etc etc. the best thing i got off the course is the free profiles that come with the cd. now i have kodak srgb profile (for web design), ektra space J Holmes (for film scanning) as well as a bunch of epson ones that i can use for my assignment printing.
anyway killer migraine! or at least, the weather is fucking up to such an extent that i'm getting a migraine almost every night, despite the truckload of nurofen tablets i have at my bedside. i've restricted myself to 2 tablets every 6-8 hours, but it seems like stress = major killer in my life. hahahaha. i bet there's like a genetic encoding in me somewhere that says that i must be a perpetual workaholic because both my parents are nutsos about work. that reminds me, i need to send dad an email. argh. i just don't have the motivation for it anymore, much less face up for tomorrow. but what to do? shikata nai. just have to suck it up lor. people throw shit, you can't throw shit back. someone has to sweep it up.
off to sleep and cringe. hopefully tomorrow the lab/vanbar is open. if not.............argh, don't wanna think like that. don't think about it!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:28 a.m.+
my head hurts. like super!headache hurts from too much info. what matters is that i now have the epson archival matte paper profiles (calibrated, customised) and a free offer to calibrate nikon scanner. anyway now that i've done the course, i think i can finally start applying around.....also i got an invite to a super spehsul networking thing by CCP to go orpheus island next year. i've tried googling it, but nothing's turning up. jiawei and i reckon it's a bit like those mysterious elitist PR things that only a few people are invited and i keep imagining crazy scientists on a research facility on the island (it's a nature reserve) with all these pro-photographers drinking tikicocktails. no kidding huh?
quite tempted to go. i feel so uncool if i say it's a networking oppotunity, but then again i'm an eternal oppotunist. 'sides, i love beach parties, drinks all round! :D apparently the food is supposedly fabulous as well.
been working on photography the past few days. it's not too bad, out of 7 prints I have FOUR images complete - fully proofed, profiled and ready for test/final printing. mostly i've just been dealing with monstrously large .tiff files, each image is around 80mb each +++ and i have approximately 7 to complete. orpheus project; that's what i'm calling it in my head. it makes me think of rilke, sonnets to orpheus. the problem is that some of the stuff isn't as nice as the rest, and those that are unworkable need to be blended and stuff :/ it's giving me a huge-as-fuck headache though which i totally DO NOT NEED because i also have essays and shite to do. GAH. PHOTOGRAPHY. >:/ you make my life so hard this semester!
THEREFORE! tomorrow i need to go kayell in collingwood to buy epson archival matte and bond richmond to send b.w film for RUSH processing (as in, overnight processing). after which i need to scan the damned thing while i print the ones that work. the problem being i only have TWO that work right now. argh. tomorrow is major photoshopping day (again :/) I just need some yurameki damnit (and a contrast control setting to do batch processing)
hdgfswkefhkjldskjl
*keyboard smash*
I really have a headache and want to killlllllll myself nao
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:31 p.m.+
itolsy y'kaw! I think I'm sick :/ or at least, bordering on it. Today was the worst, a lack of sleep + lack of food = nauseaous, cringe-worthy day. It was pretty bad :( I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit still. In the end, I just went off on a burger-break (magic 5min dash!) and ran into audy on the way<3 then we had dinner together, and I had fish porridge<3
went home, and now I'm trying to figure the fastest route to CCP without waking up too early as well as waiting for the silicone to dry. BTW, my housetap/shower connect broke, so I'm being all cool and like, independant and actually REPAIRED IT BY MYSELF! Now I'm halfway watching a french flick "Love at the Subway" which is exactly the kind of stupid French flicks about absolutely nothing except people falling in love, falling out of it, having sex along with it and basically being crazy about it. It's basically about nothing - total zilch content unless you count naked women, boobies, bastard men and a great soundtrack.
scanned and calibrated my monitor the entire day. then watched som kinki kids PV which was so prettyful! prettyful!<333 I love prettyfulness, I want one of those dangly sun-things for myself<3
mmm it's really cold tonight isn't it? tomorrow I'll dress warmer.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:17 p.m.+
Listening: Blue Foundation - This is Goodbye
God, sometimes I hate SBS so much. They show a movie, and the OST gets me hooked and it's by some bloody obscure band from Denmark which doesn't have lyrics or downloads ANYWHERE. Even finding it on youtube.com was a bitch, wtf every search I had was Miley Cyrus (aka. jailbait p0rn). Anyway, if you want to listen to it, it's HERE. I find it so ironic that it's on a bloody naruto video, LOLZ.
but damnit, the song is awesome. If the usd weren't so fucking high, I would be dl-ing it off amazon for .99cents :/
Said earlier, watched a bit of Manslaugher (Drabet). It's not too bad, just slow and pretentious. Wasn't really paying too much attention until Queer as Folk started. I admit I was originally watching for the hot gay eyecandy, but now I really like the plot. It's really well written for something that is potentially exploitative (in topic)
ok. just started a fic community/journal thinger.
i hate being disorganized :/
really sleepy....tomorrow must call hocking steward! ok. i need a bath and sleep. actually i did a lot today but it was like: earn 50bucks from being a ginuea pig, late for azn pr, animal orchestra, film at jw, pacific duck rice, theoryshite, go home.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:25 a.m.+
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) probably the stupidest film ever to be made, and a glorified fuck-fest of fucking-swear-fuck words that gave me so much lulz that I'm choking on my milk 'n' cookies.
dead tired. my brain is broken processing PR shite. remind me again, why the hell am I doing media? as jiawei aptly put it: 'why do you ask? asking that is like asking why my housemate is a bitch.' LOLZ.
oh yeah they shifted the photography due date to 7th. I'm soooooo dead =_= ah man, fuck.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:47 a.m.+
HOUSE IS GOTTEN. SO HAPPY. IT HAS A SPIRAL STAIRCASE. OMG. SO HAPPY.
yesterday photoshoot, tiring. I kept worrying that we'll set off the smoke alarm or something and everything bad that could happen, happened (murphy's law wtf). The flash lightmeter's battery didn't work and I didn't realise it till later (I thought I set it up wrongly >_>) then someone had totally fucked up the background and OMG the incense STANK. Smells totally like a chinese funeral lol
but okay, shoot's done and tomorrow I'll know if the photos turned out well or not.
today the hockingstuart agent called, and apparently the HOUSE IS OURS. REJOICE. informed jw and audy, then slept some more. returned stuff to uni then went to animal orchestra to read PR. ok. not too bad. i finished half of it yay
talk more tmr, need to write email to dad
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:06 p.m.+
in truth, i don't like it. i don't like it at all, and i don't really want to like it, i'm just squashing my irritation for the time being because i don't want to deal with it, talking about it makes me even more tired and drained and annoyed so that's not really a solution. however, i do wish you'll just fuck off once in a while and stay in your own place. i consider it a matter of politeness that i don't interfere with yours, in which you don't seem to have reciporcated........to some extent, i and some others agree that you border on being hypocrisy. mostly i'm just going to ignore whatever, because it's so trival in comparison and i'm just tired of it. which makes me wonder if one day i'll just be tired of you.. mostly sometimes i just want to slap you. but. it's not polite and after a while i'm just so tired that i can't be arsed to care.
ok. rant over.
god, that has been building up for several weeks.
the weather is hot; so hot it's disgusting. it says 27 on the BOM site, but honestly it feels more like 30. yesterday was the worst - stuffy and irritable and mostly watching tv. paid for CCP, then started sorting finances. in total jiawei owes me about 282 aud, while audy owes me around 700. i've also done MASSIVE SALES! posts lately, so in total i've earned back around 1000 or so back, without the amount that those two owe me. sometimes i think i missed my calling as a banker/debt collector, because what kind of person does this for free? i should be charging interest damnit!
mostly trying to concentrate on work (and failing miserably). i did manage to sort out what to do for photography, which is great because that's one subject off my back. i think i'll print in the uni though, because paying for framing = not cool :x not to mention i have specific frame styles i'm looking for.....i'm thinking of doing colour frames for b/w printing. red, blue, yellow, red yellow, blue, red. somehow, it seems like music if you do it like that.
so they pushed back the marketing deadline from 10th to 12th, which is good but that means i'll have to do AZN PR first instead of marketing. i don't really like pr, but it's pretty standard so shikata nai. just do it lor. i haven't done any research for it though urgh, except copy off some notes from books. i need to pick a campaign specific to a country, so i can analyse the shizzles. the problem is that AIDS hasn't really been addressed in sg, so i'll have to do another country like thailand or sth.
cooked fish slice congee yesterday, the trick isn't doubleboiling or what nots - just soak the rice overnight that's all. i added some dried shrimp as well, and cooked a side of veg to go with it. actually it's pretty good (so shocking). i wish i got better quality fish though, but the fish monger closed early that sat :x nevermind, i'll buy some fish on tuesday maybe?? for dessert i sliced pears/peaches and added vanilla&elderflower icecream. it's so light, sweet and delicious! the elderflower really adds a sparkling type of floral, summery taste. i quite like it, maybe i'll buy it again next time.
housing inspection and photoshoot tomorrow. i'm worried as usual, since i have so little time left (thus, i CANNOT fuck up) but at the same time i know i can't be nervous, because shooting nervously is bad shooting.
listening to a lot of bob dylan lately. even though his voice is stratchy and whiny as fuck, i sorta like it. it's just the sensation of someone watching, alone, by the window. someone watching by the tramstop, someone watching while it rains.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:42 p.m.+
didn't really get much sleep yesterday because I was nervous, in dilemma (now solved) and panicky. I slept for 4 hours, or maybe less because I woke up before the alarm clock for the first time. It was a restless, exhausting type of sleep where you feel even less energetic after waking.
Went to uni, and all the photography slots were booked. Darkroom was a disaster Dx so bad I don't even want to talk about it. Kenzan@GPO for lunch, the deal is amazing! Sashimi main with rice and miso for $14<3 for the kind of quality they were serving, other places would've charged 20+++ or more. Their tempura had a nice taste, but wasn't as crisp as akita's. I *LOVE* their sashimi though. Hotate aburi was perfect, with a hint of charcoal and sea-brine sweetness and the salmon was a revalation! I don't usually like salmon (prefer maguro) but the flavour was sensational. It was rich and fatty, melting in your mouth and into the rice and it was totally totemo totemo oishii!!!<3333333333 *_*!!!!!!!
On a totally different note, does this look like an IJ dress? I really want it though<3 but in black. If I got it in blue I would really feel like I'm wearing IJ uniform again ^^;;;;;; and that's just plain odd
Went back to uni after lunch and reluctantly - very very very reluctantly went for creative writing. doodled then during break escaped to level 4 photography labs where I fooled around with Tyler and the rest of them and basically was happy. Um. then I remembered I had class so I was late going back hahahaha...so basically I went for onl 30mins of class? WINNNNNNN. went home after that since I was quite tired, stopped by animal orchestra for takeaway and the glasses-guy gave me extra chocolate! :D
went home and it was so hot and muggy today, so I couldn't decide what to cook. In the end I made rocket, pastrami and egg soba~<3 it was really delicious! I marinated the rocket with minced ginger, seasame oil, pepper, tsuyu and wasabi then tossed the noodles in with torn bits of pastrami<3 delicioussssssssss<33333333 tomorrow I'm going to cook fish slice porridge (yu pien zhouk) Now I've just watched finished serval movies: Nina's Tragdies and this music video which is really cool, since they have a real life chessboard and they have NINJA! chesspieces which really fight. AWESOMENESSS. there was this exploitative drama about sex trade too.....didn't really like it since the charas seem kinda flat.
tomorrow going to pay for CPP, then buy some fish and finish PR readings.....maybe I'll go buy some stuff for Timmy as well, since I just cleaned his fishbowl today. He's looking much better now.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:15 a.m.+
cold. it's cold again! apparently yesterday was the coldest day in october in the last 30years - some areas even snowed, and tomorrow there's a frost warning. it doesn't make any sense at all, this weather.
watching royal tenenbaums and it's really really good movie - might be watching south park tomorrow. sent applications for hockingstuart (OMG they put the wrong address!) and ended up walking up and down rathdowne street D: marketing was okay, got nutella project approved. now to just finish azn pr and do a friday photoshoot in the studio.......well, that's about it.
coldcoldcold....
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:29 a.m.+
so cold!
I was going to type more, but I'm freezing. It's like 10 degrees now! (just on saturday, it was 29) Anyway saw a fabulous house today, will apply tomorrow. Saw Cherie who approved(!) the orpheus/eurydice project and ate foodz with jiawei and audy. mmmmm yesterday make chicken stock out of the chicken bones and added soba - was delicious but so so rich D: it just felt so full in the mouth, even though it wasn't oily or salty. adding rocket helped lighten up the taste though, next time I'll try vinegar
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:06 a.m.+
urgh i hae a sun-related headache
next time i'm wearing a hat!
saw house today, kinda dingy. hopefully the one in parkville will be better. ate undercooked soba for lunch (jw's cooking skillz lol) then went to st kilda to take photos and shop. ate loads of sashimi, will probably die of mecury poisoning one day and helped jiawei go shopping. i didn't get anything except hairclips though, i don't need anymore clothes!
okay, off to bathe and sleep
my head is killing me @_@
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:17 a.m.+
fearful is the
stripe of light
unopened foor
creaking wood
twitching feet
fearful is that night
when doors opened
warm and hazy; windlike. walking around docklands and the sun like a headlight speared over the sky, hinkydinkybright and shining. weirdly, we could be anything. the kind of day when you and i could walk to american and the wind burns red like sun burnts oh why didn't we bring any sunblock?
i close my eyes - i can see it. the tall spires of electrical lines stretched over long, distant bridges like an apocalyptic future and the cars and trucks like faceless carriers of some sinister future. soulessly pure. there's so much white my eyes turn grey in the brightness as i squint for roads and tracks and that's it, a rubber tire and pay station and broken sofa in the middle of nowhere.
we could walk to america.
it felt like that. all nevada desert and mirages rising dreamily in afternoon heat as though you've lost your mind to the endless roads and hint of sea (where? where? where?) and dirt. dirt like pebbles and sand and round stones and weeds and just plain brown as we stood at the banks of the pool with the sun on our side - profound and illuminating as it played over the underbelly of the highway and cool green water with the other side, just within sight.
i cooked dinner, spinach and chicken soup because i was feeling heaty (too much sun, makes my head hurt and nose bleed) and yeah, it was nice. watched a movie(s) - Ordo and Ants in the Mouth. Wasn't paying too much attention, just watching randomly with music in my head.
fic snippets keep hitting me..
ahhhh why do i always write sad stories?
it's just so much, to be in love with sad stories
maybe shakespeare was right, humans are tragdey.
tomorrow there's house inspections, which are urgh urgh far away and full of urgh :x i'm tired too. today's taken more of my energy than i thought it would
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:54 a.m.+
listening to david bowie sing about being under pressure is surprisingly calming, maybe it's the falsetto thing. everytime i hear it i think of girls in a nightclub dancing around poles stripping to the beat as it goes tomorrow tomorrow makes me high~er
busy week @_@ is officially my face for the remaining semester. i'm becoming addicted to queer as folk series too, it's pretty good the guys are hot and quirky. sbs movies is another addiction (that reminds me, shit i missed blade runner today) yesterday i watched burning under wind (morose drama about polish incest, delusions, shootings and stuff) and today i watched a russian/danish thriller called 'executive orders' - as you can expect, there's mafia and loads of people dying.
i'm pretty violent-type eh?
CSR presentation today and it was kinda shit. DDDDD: raymond! why did you have to fiddle with my slides?!? I was really nervous (didn't help) and bored of it (didn't help either) but OK, I got through 2hrs of it (as well as an $18 taxi fare =_=;;;) I was really stupid today though, and left my handphone at home by accident and couldn't call up JW to go photograph/shooting. Ah well, at least I managed to clean my house a bit, take out trash and do dishes.....
oh yeah, I'm addicted to The Killer's Uncle Johnny. For some reason it seems fic-worthy, if only for the lulz. Yesterday went shopping with jiawei and helped her do some buying (the only thing I did was buy food....omg I'm such a pig D:) She got a polkadot dress, a mustard bolero and knit dress :D I love helping people shop, it's so fun! Then we walked to Sushi Masa and omg I was so hungry by then that I bought grilled ox tongue (best in melb), tekka maki and gyoza. And ate it while walking down Lonsdale. Then I passed the bao shop and couldn't resist and ended up buying a bao. And ate it on the way to Laguna. Then I ended up buying $25 worth of junkfood in Laguna - WIN!
i was just really hungry i guess....
also i fantasize about ox tongue and negitoro don at night
my existance is so lonely i wank off to negitoro don
D:
going to shoot in docklands tmr, wish me luck! should bring extra film just in case hohoho
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:33 a.m.+
I feel happy and full now~ loads of food, caek and lolita does that to me. It's like being a well-fed cat!<3333 that reminds me, I saw a really cute meowmeow yesterday at Errol St, so cute and fluffy and fat lol
Today was audy's birthday dinner and we went to akita (again) and ate sukiyaki (again) and made a lot of lame jokes (again and had cake and burned a candle/paper/set off smoke alarm (not not really) and sneaked off before anyone realized what we did LOL I hope she liked her card and cake and dinner.....I had a hard time choosing the right card!
yesterday went out with jiawei to order audy's cake (alllll the way at le petit gateau down at queen's st) and card. apparently they don't make large versions of the cake i wanted (kyoto: green tea mousse, white chocolate, caramel, red bean and black seasame base) so i ordered 4 pcs instead. Then wandered around North/West melbourne and got nearly lost (again, common occurance when with jiawei) and heard bagpipes and climbed a minihill at flagstaff garden and it was cool and damnit, next time I'm bringing my camera.
tomorrow: CSR and marketing.....kyaaa~ I should start preparing for photography as well as the other essays and stuff.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:36 a.m.+
I did *NOT* just make kissy faces at my goldfish D: he was just looking so adorable then gawping in his tank with a NOM NOM NOM face and today he actually swam up to nibble my fingers when I fed him 2 fish flakes.....sooooooo bloody cute<3<3<3 it's weird but he's really awake at night. He spends most of the afternoons sleeping LOL
Been reading another graham swift book - Ever After. It's not bad, but I think his best was still in Waterland/Light of Day. Did laundry today, as well as my visual diary.....I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow! *crosses fingers* I haven't even finished writing the report yet, horrors. Ah well, it'll get done by tonight I swear. Cooked kangaroo steak - it's not bad, but it doesn't have the same smoothness as beef or lamb because it lacks fat. I think it should only be used for stirfry, because it's not a particularly tasty meat and doesn't taste good medium. I ended up frying it till almost welldone. The texture is similar to mekajiki (chewy and song) but the taste is more like a muted, gamey beef. I can understand why it isn't as popular - the taste isn't there (unless you marinated it well) and the texture isn't as sweet as lamb/cow, plus it's relatively difficult to cook. Getting rid of that gamey smell was a challenge!
Yesterday was great too. warm and dreamy and wonderfulness. audy came over, watched kt cartoon II YOU and omg hadshsdfg!!!! hahaha all the kokame and kameda moments<3 i'm such a kame-shipper dahgwfrfwjh! had curry for lunch and dinner, sat at the tramstop and just talking nonense. it's just so easy - easy to live like that, easy to love and love living and sometimes that just makes me wonder why do i have to make life so hard and complicated and why can't i just do that? or maybe it's just like that, inbetweens.
anyway i'm in dipshit writing a report at 4am, i just need a couple hundred words and hopefully it'll all be ok! *crosses fingers* i can't afford to fuck up.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:19 a.m.+
sometimes it just feels like so much happiness that it overflows like a rocket rollacoaster in cyberspace. it's so easy like this, isn't it? it's so easy to just let go and laugh and just -not care- or worry over anything. were they ever important anyway? those things. it's just warm and soft and lovely right now, like soap bubbles and daydreams and afternoon naps and evening walks; freeze that and it's like a snapshot to hold forever in
i'm just so happy like this
i wish this feeling would last forever
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:32 a.m.+
ah, strange week. or maybe it's just a strange week beginning, how should i say it?
walking gingerly across
the bruised earth
i got back all my mid-semester results today, and it was kinda funny and amazing. H3 for photography because of colin and his crap-whateveritis (which depressed me the entire day) but but BUT! H1 for azn pr and marketing!!<333333333 i'm so shocked, it's unbelievable. i've never felt like a proper media student, they're too clique-ish and pretentious and i like to say out-of-place things so yeahhhhhhh so shocking! I'm glad though, it's been the only good thing the whole week.
Called mom on wednesday, her knees are going bad. isn't it so scary when your parents are growing old? i was so frightened. not about dying, but about losing mom :x it was then it hit me that my mom won't be there all the time and that she was growing old......i can't even find the correct expression for how i feel, like a kind of horror in slow motion. i admit to be a mommy's girl, i can't imagine life without my mom. i've never told her everything (but when do i ever?) but she gives me hugs and digs my ear and i can sleep on her fat and be as childish as i want....it's like when your parents are truly gone, then you know no one's going to take care of you like that again, ever.
argh i make it sound so horrible
anyway she's fine now, phew
yesterday was upset over some random LJ drama, so i cooked curry. cooking is calming. the rhythmic chopping, the step-by-step systema, the joy of making something - warm and visercal and lifegiving. sometimes i think i enjoy cooking more than actually eating what i cooked, although it was really delicious. being stressed/annoyed gives me the patience to boil down the stock to roux and glaze. anyway i had a bowl since i didn't eat yesterday and aya was like DDDD: and said that skinny lolis are ugly LOL
today was better. lying down on the grass, talking to audy, sitting at stop 11, tramspotting, letting audy try my curry of tsu!love<3 and ZEN (because cooking it was full of ZEN so eating it will make you ZEN-er.), just hanging around and having fun really~ that was good, wasn't it? it was the feeling of calmness and peace. funny thing today: jiawei called me a cat! hahahaha am i really like a cat? she seems to have a sixth sense to whenever i'm sleepy or tired though LOL
tomorrow workshopping...wear something cute and hopefully everything will be ok. lolita armour! some people wear makeup and war paint, i wear lolita and petticoats :D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:21 a.m.+
It's a strange feeling to want to shoot yourself
Sometimes I feel it so much that I can taste the gun in my mouth, hard and metal and blank with a hint of oil. It's cold and stiff, deadly with a rounded barrel when I stuff it in, cheeks puffed. You can taste the metal all the way down to the back of your mouth, gripping it tightly in your hand and you feel so full - full of it, choking and pained and breathing through your nose and click click click
there it goes.
that's how I feel now, gun in my mouth and hands. It makes me nauseous and sick, tightly wound and restless and waiting. I imagine shooting myself. I imagine shooting people. In whatever scenerio, there's the shock and death of course - but what strikes me is the weight of it in my hands. Weight. It feels heavy and worn and smooth, warm in my hand and ready. I can palm the weight from one hand to another, a perfect circle impressed on the palm of my hand. Pressed tightly, you can almost feel the veins throbbing underneath, rich and luscuious and full of life just aching to explode in slow motion all over the floor and ceiling in big fat blotches of same-sweet-metallic blood.
I've never been a bad shot either.
Odd memory; it is August and 19 and fields of JC students escourted around cadet campuses like sheep herding. They let us play in tents and suits and guns, and the guide goes; go on, shoot as each one is loaded with yellow paint and rubber bullets and we wait - still and oddly cheerful in the later afternoon to shoot body masses propped on grass. I remember the heft of it, how the point rests on my shoulder and the double-grip. Aim for the body mass, something whispers in me. I shoot thrice, jerking slightly at each recoil. Don't hold it too close to your eye or chin, keep steady, concentrate. 3 rounds, 3 shots. "Very good!" the guide claps my shoulder. I lower the rifle. Each round, straight right into the body mass.
I pass it to someone else, there's nothing special.
It's odd - but I felt nothing. It was like watching myself shoot something, slightly in disbelief. The only thing I've learnt is that I am capable of firing a gun and thus will, if the issue of survival ever arises. I looked at the body mass dispassionately - I did not imagine my dad (like I thought I would) or any person I disliked. I simply did it before it was a target I had to shoot. No anger, just an evaluation.
Is that a bad thing, that now I know I can possibly kill?
I felt it all back again, this week. Today. A kind of restlessness combined with intense concentration, so conflicting it feels like a gun, heavy and in wait. Drive. If I could I would drive across the city, once twice amd all over in loops and spirals just to get away from myself for a while. Too sick, too full.
Maybe I'm mad - mad to think like this, but who gives a fuck anyway?
Today I managed to get some of it out. I did some work, I walked. I walked to north melbourne and to the docklands, and watched trains from the outpost at Abbotsford street. I climbed past into the container railway yard, and watched the sun set across the horizon bathing the graffti'ed tram into a luminously profound shade of gold. It's oddly melachonlic, to let life flow past you (streets and traffic and static beams and suns) and just sit still, let it pass. Apecture value, bringing objects into focus. Everything else is just background.
Yesterday was a study. Kenzan has delicious food, and the afternoon was like a slow gradual slide in and out of depression. The rain makes me cranky, the cold - even worse. I could feel my hands turning blue and thoughts swimming in a goldfish bowl. Round and round in circles. I wish I knew what is wrong. Or what is driving me so badly. It needs to go somewhere, I need to be somewhere but I just don't know what. Argh.
Conflict of interest, much?
Tired of talking. Maybe I'll blog more later. It seems like the days are passing so swiftly and slowly at the same time. It blends, it differentiates. Things that stand out are merely images jumbled - lunch at Kenzan with audy, sitting at the SCA, the scent of a passing perfume, walking in circles outside my apartment and sitting at the bustop tense with danger and yet, thankful to be outside at midnight. Talking to jiawei, talking to audrey, making chicken stratches outside the carpark, waiting for the tram home. Hopes of next year, dreading deadlines and exams. Shopping and not, letters from home. Voices over static, things.............
one step forward, another back.
the horses are at all sides.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:31 p.m.+
feeling totally sian. uber-sian. i hate school starting and i have no fucking clue what to do for photography. genius right? i'm in a mental block stage where i just want to sit around and stone like my goldfish.
talking about my goldfish the photoshoot went badly. timmy gets distressed by the lights, and everything turned out horribly underexposed. i think the only solution is to shoot it in daytime. it doesn't help that the tank is cycling bacteria, so it makes a fairly difficult time for timmy but he's pretty hardly and i've been changing the water consistently daily. i'm not even sure if i can manage the upkeep of a pet, so worse comes to worse i'm giving him away to ali who has a 10 galloon aquarium full of fish. in particular, i'm worried when i leave for singapore again.
dfsklafkjdfla;ldf
isaofiowgerhkdsfja
don't want uni to starrrrt
think i'll give the meetup on saturday a pass. i need to live on more than clothes talk. will expand more on reasons later. sleepy.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:02 a.m.+
+tsu waited for you at 02:02 a.m.+
hmmm tired these past few days. It's just been really really busy, going to sort things in order:
Friday
Manifest! Wore the etoile set, did not fuckup my makeup which was OK! kinda freaked out during the whole debate thing, I was pretty nervous since I haven't done a debate for a very very long time....despite everything, I won! woohoo :D although tbh it wasn't really hard, considering the opposition didn't bother to do any research....and I managed to throw in Marslow's hierachy inside LOL
Met loads of people, which was cool. Saw Chantel, Marie, Steph, Magdelen, etc etc and it was all quite fun. Fruits competition was OK, but nothing spectacular - I wonder if I just have really high standards or something :x I just keep noticing stuff out of place like badly cut fabrics, no back-waist darts, unfinished lining, not enough boning etc etc etc =_=;;;;;;;; I guess that's why I'm in lolita since I'm so fucking particular about everything
The event seemed pretty badly run, but I came mostly for people and just to hang out anyway - so I wasn't too fussed about the lack of events. Hung out with Magadelen, Cray and Steph at the Old Arts corridor and talked rubbish. Then Audy, Jiawei, Steph, Miriam and I went for dinner while the rest continued on at Manifest
OMG KUNI IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! The sashimi was amazingly fresh, and they had uni!<33333333333 Their hamachi was something to behold too, and they did the hotate aburi perfectly<3 In particular, their unagi was comparable to the stuff I had in SG, very deliciously camerlised yet smooth. Another plus point was their rice. I don't know about you, but half of what makes good sushi is the quality and flavour of their rice. It was just the right amount of vinegar, and served at room tempreture (as opposed to gluey, sticky and cold). Their sushi/sashimi was really really good. In particular, the vinegar in the rice was very addictive in flavour. You can taste the quality in it.
Unfortunately, their sauces weren't so great. The soy sauce lacked depth, it was merely salty without flavour. The tempura dipping sauce wasn't served hot enough, and needed sweetness and more mirin. Worst was their wasabi, it was hard and claylike and absolutely horrible in flavour. It didn't have the spicyness nor any strength at all, and the flavour didn't extend to the back of the mouth :( Worst was, I think it wasn't fresh.
Overall I give them an 8/10. Their sauce needs more work, so does their 'hot' food. However, the desserts (which most Melbourne places don't care for) and sashimi/sushi was comparable to any decent ones in Tokyo/Singapore. Flavourful rice, fresh fish and a decent variety and good value for money considering the quality. It's approximately the same standard of sashimi as shoya's but the prices are cheaper.
Next to try, Kenzan! Apparently they have the best sashimi/sushi in Melbourne. Apparently. I can't say for certain until I've tried it :D damnit, I should become a food reviewer....
Talked to audy on the way back and yeah :/ I'm glad we got it cleared up. I never said so but thanks for making me feel better. Sometimes I just feel so utterly crapshit I don't even know where to start .___. so yeah.....
Saturday
Skipped the lolita meet, and decided to sleep in. Unfortunately I missed Chantel, so I couldn't pass her the dollhouse OP. Slacked and ate KFC, then went home and felt sick about eating KFC. Salt doesn't sit well on me somehow :x Just stayed in that day, since I was so tired.
Sunday
Woke up early to go to the tulip festival, which was great! OMG the sausages and potato salad was awesome, so were the poffertjes which tasted like hotcakes. Took loads of photos, rolled around tulips and ate tons of food. All in all, it was a pretty happy day :D Jiawei was really obsessed with the white tulips though LOL. I personally liked the yellow ones best - they look like little cups of frozen sunshine<3
Went home, cooked something simple and dropped dead to sleep. I was so tired and had a freakin' migraine D: Watched a movie as well; Zairal (short film about big ear people) and Tsotsi which made me cry ;_; well, at least I have my final project sorted out, yay?
Monday
Sent out snowhite skirt, checked mail, fed the kitteh, sent film for processing, met chantel and cooked macaroni. I cooked too much though, so now IDK how to finish it all. Went to Le Petit Gateau as well, and had cake. Must go there with audy one day, if she's free. Anyway we're booked to go Kenzan together for lunch on a monday :D
Tomorrow:
-collect parcel(s)
-call up aquarium company
-check deadline for photography
-start printing artist references
-buy moisturizer + waxing stripes
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:32 p.m.+
i think of glass and gunmetal grey and sequinns in the shape of mermaid dresses and the sound of it - fascinator. i'm trying to build words into something, but i don't know where to start. it feels like it needs something, that something i don't know a name for......maybe a single clouds, a face, an eye. apples and crows. i watched the sky today and all i could think of was the sea
i don't know where my photography is going, and it's just like that; i don't know. i hate shooting blind - it has no concept, no reason and no basis. for a research project it's tauntemont to failure.......
slightly queasy after kfc, it's never sat well with me. it's the salt i think, it makes me feel nauseaous after a while, choked up.
it's like being underwater. your nose and ears all blocked up, moving slowly, floating up. everything is blurry and soft and graceful as they spin and twirl coldly with a gentle, gentle breath. my head feels like that. all water and goldfish and armies of clouds sailing across in tides. synthpop and taxis, then when siboney plays it's her head sleeping on his shoulder even if her eyes are wide open underneath eyelids.
it distrubs me more than it should be it is. it is, just because it's like that. sometimes i wonder if there was an otherverse-tsu, would she be like me? would she even be a 'she'? maybe she likes carrots, who knows?
i have the concept, but i don't seem to have the image. it's so odd. i need to find that - and when i say that, it'll be an object; the most perfect object that can be ugly or beautiful or cheap or expensive. it's that it thing I need, and i don't know where it is.....or even what it is.
argh
it's like constipation.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:38 a.m.+
old old old apples
roll on, fall far
in weeded yards and yellowed rakes
rattling a deaden summer song
I think of farms. Actually no - I don't think at all now. I'm stagnanting, idling away. A special kind of fading that brims and spills over like overfull glasses of sparrows.
apples and crows
apples and crows........
it feels inadequate. i always feel inadequate. not pretty enough, not cute enough, not smart enough, not creative - why didn't i think of it first? why didn't i do that? plagues me like laughter that recedes in corners. i know i'm not untalented, but i feel so fucking medicore. it's worse now when i need ideas and i'm running out of them - multiple burns and draaaaainage. how do people write and shoot photos and draw at tha same time? i can't do it. i'm not meant to be a multitasker, and will never be one...does that make me even more useless still?
i wish i was at least photogenic, but i can't even say that
i feel so fake :(
I cook though, to make myself feel better. I made beef burgingion for the first time last week, then I made chicken macaroni and today I cooked chicken and mushroom porridge. Cooking is vaguely theraputic in the sense that everything is in steps, and following the steps and flavours will give the most perfect taste. Not steps as in reciepe, but rather steps as in 1. defrost 2. chop 3. marinade etc etc. the problem is that my cooking has muchly improved, so I end up eating a whole lot of it (which spins down down down to the omg i am fat omg i am uglyz omg how omg don't wanna waste)
inferiority complex much?
i don't know why but audy triggers it most in me. i guess it's because we're both alike but different and sometimes i just want to go as far as possible but at the same time we're best friends too and fuck - why can't i just let it go? ANGERRR LEADS TO THE DAAAAARK SIDEEEEEEEE DX DX DX DX DX DX
i think i'm breaking apart
there's a punchline here somewhere, it's just that i'm not finding it. there's a punchline and a joke, there's a story and a fucking tale and everything goes in circles.
i'm just tired.
friday: Manifest. Saturday: tulip fair in silvan. Sunday: antsey factories. Tomorrow? SASHIMI!!!!!!!!! ok there's nothing like raw fish to cheer up....not to mention I'm going to test try Kenzan@GPO
talking about food cheers me up immensely though - IDK. Now I'm surfing eatability and melbourne restuarent guide for food picks. I'll like a second-try at sushi masa as well.......hmmmmmmm there's Kuni and Hibari to try as well, not too keen on Chocolate Buddha since sashimi ranks higher than ramen on my eat-list. Still looking for a good french patisserie as well. hahaha sometimes I think jiawei and I should just take our media degrees and become food critics, since we basically chow our way through our degree
ok. tmr. kenzan@GPO!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:01 a.m.+
Lazy *rolls* I should be: sewing, folding laundry, tidying up my room but I can't be arsed to do any of the following unfortunately. Went for dinner at Izukaya Chuji today and it was faaaaaaabulous. They had uni! and akagai! and aburi! and all those delicious fishies<3333 we had an appalling amount of food (namely: bottomless pit!tsu + hungry!jiawei + not-so-hungry!audy). Something like: large sashimi platter, stuffed shitake-prawn tempura, shisamo, aburi, akagai, uni, takowasabi, yakitori platter, raw beef and ogura-greentea icecream for dessert. TOTALLY WORTH IT. Highly recommended, and the staff is quick, polite and friendly. Great atmosphere too - very cosy, family-type place with squashy nua-able seats. Would definitely come back once my wallet feels less broken ;_;
Yesterday watched Hellboy 2 with Natz and audy, pretty cool. I'm not a big fan of the Hellboy series though, my taste has always been towards DC Vertigo and not Darkhorse comics :x but hey! I enjoy comics and the set/character design was excellant, especially the Troll Market scene. It's a rather lovely mix of Eastern European folklore and brimstone-fire-hell type. My complaint is the character development, it's slow badly-paced and after a while I just wanted to hit Hellboy for being such an arseface st00pid twat. Must all blockheads be stupid?!? I don't get it. In the comic version, he's actually fairly intelligent and reads magical script. Alas, in Hollywood all brawn heroes must have no brains it seems :x
The only interesting moments was the hectate scene where she foreshadows his destiny with the apocalypse. I thought the Liz-romance thing was kinda stupid too, since Liz is like....30 years younger than he is. Officially anyway :x
BAH. I dislike comic book adaptions. I'm sorry. Most of them stink terribly, and the FEW that are good are Dark Knight and Spiderman 1. I think DK was slightly overrated, nonetheless it DID capture the essential relationship of Joker/Batman and it was wonderfully played - it's accurate enough to satisfy my comic geekery but it's actioned/plotty enough to make most casuals happy. Spiderman I is brilliant though. BRILLIANT. I applaud Sam Riami for that.
Anyway back home my brother seemed to have spent a fortune (about $1000 already??) on comics. He's been gloating about the Soulfire prints he bought from Micheal Turner. It's funny, but I remember the first really crazy Christmas present I bought for him was the Fathom aniversary collectible and it cost over $100 bucks (I split with mom though, + kino discount). Honestly the only series that I'm really looking forward to is Dark Victory (OMG SEQUEL!) and Fables. I've heard that they're going to do a Fables tv mini-series though, hope it's good. (knowing them, they'll just make lots of BS-romances though Dx) Back to my brother. He's apparently bought up all the Grant Morrison stuff, as well as Fables, Amazing Spiderman (with Straczynski) and a few others. OK OK OK - now if Micheal Sliversti would just finish inking The Darkness series......I would die a happy girl :D
god I'm so geekery....but I NEEDZ MAH COMICS D:
Kinda excited-but-not for Manifest. Excited enough to go shopping for pretty things, not excited enough to actually sew and shit for it LOL damned, I'm a freakin' lazy person. I need to start preparing for photoshoots and stuff as well :x I'm worried that I might've actually crossbooked the studio this Friday when I have Manifest in which it would be very very shit. VERY. That means tomorrow I -have to- go down to Lt. Lonsdale and get my lens fixed and start researching....oh fuck, why does the week fly so fast?
ah well, time to get back to work then
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:10 a.m.+
steady there rock on
Lolita meetup today, was late. As in, one hour late. I was kinda tired actually and almost didn't go but ok. wasn't too bad. Met up with people I knew and didn't know, had fairly nice food (Meji cafe for parfait and pudding next time!) It's stunningly cheap, considering the location and shit - next time I'm bringing Jiawei and audy along.
Wandered after that, got a bottle of nailpolish for manifest, checked a couple of shops and then went to Kanga kanga! OMG. THEY SELL MAGAZINES. FROM JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!! *screams in joy* YES YES YES. Ended up getting Potato and CUTiE, flipped through vaguely for JM and stuff and got a free notebook inside :D Went for Para later, which - tbh, I didn't like. I don't think the birthday girl did either, or other people. The problem is only 2 out of 8 people could play, which was kinda....:/ yeah. Went to audy's place to pick up my scarf and share mags, then went back to my place for dinner and strawberries and cream *_*
creeeeeeam<3
creeeeeeeeeeam<3
creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam<3
*coughs*
ANYWAY.
Packing house tomorrow, kinda lazy-feeling though. Then had a pervy 3way convo with jw and audy which resulted in OH MY GOD AKANISHI JIN'S LOVEJUICE LIVE which should be illegal, tbh. I expected it to be as hot as ha-ha, but meh - nothing particularly horrifying (unless you're justin timberlake) IT'S SO BAD IT'S GOOD. or something. my brain fizzled after the first 10 seconds.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:18 a.m.+
hello. goodbye.
i don't know how to start. sinking sinking sinking - a pool; piscine; bliss. lurching sideways and under with scraps of songs mingled with dust and tears and the sound: naver naver naver werribee calling. it tastes like sour toothpaste and mecury and the lights are in my head again; scary dizzying deathdefying as i feel my heart being clawed apart
sometimes like this, i feel ah, my blood is spilling and i am dying and ripping sanity and all i feel is how frighting it is to have a skin. soaringly, even the breathing seems to kill pieces, a heartburn. that's right, isn't it? it's like constantly it burns, that deep painful feeling as teetering at the brink, slipping down down down
i need some kind of exit. exit, stage left. restlessly, it wanders. restlessly, i want to go with it. i feed the cold and throw dangerously, madly standing on the verge of it. almost like it. maybe that's why my heart feels like it's being ripped apart, because that's how it is. (like putting a watch on your wrist as we stare facing on walls, and walk backwards in opposite directions)
distantly, is actually living
distantly, i recall being someone
sometimes i just want to live in my head forever. blending fantasy and memory, into something too perfect, a snapshot. pathways into things.
something to answer for.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:40 a.m.+
OMG MY ESSAYS ARE DONEEEE
It's not over yet, I still have CSR, photography and Jerkboy to complete but nonetheless the shitty ones are all out of the way thank god - and weirdly enough I think my marketing tutor likes me in that kind of 'aww isn't this spoilt brat so annoyingly cute?' way. LOL why do i even know this shite??!??! *baffled*
oh i slept on the tram and a really hot guy woke me up LOL
AND MOST OF ALL, I GOT BACK MY LOLITA CLOTHES FROM JIAWEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! *_* isn't it so strange how attached I am to my clothes? It's like a dependancy problem!
ok i'm off to sleep, haven't slept in the last 48hrs
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:01 p.m.+
Essay is killingz me. 130 words and not-moving D: I'm slightly better off than Jiawei though, who hasn't even started at all. I'm trying but digging through Singapore's idealogical system is making me ick out Dx ICKYYYYYY!!
things I want during spring break
- NEW HAIRCUT! urgh my hair looks like shit. I totally need to get my fringe and sides trimmed :( it's really annoyingly flat too *woe* Also IDK if it looks nice so long. It's almost too long, so much so that it makes me look really heavy :(
- unpack my room. I haven't even built my shelves yet, and most of my lolita clothes are in Jiawei's house!
- go glen waverly, take photos/do more photoshoots. prance around in lolita with jiawei/audy. go brunswick/fitzroy. eat at sofia's
ok stop daydreaming. getting back to work.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:56 p.m.+
sometimes I just feel like that, it's odd and strange and a bit fragile; as though my skin isn't really my own and bits of itself is just poking out at odd angles with brief flickers like a TV screen going black.
I'm writing an essay, but my mind is caught up with everything else. How often, how soon, how much and then there's the feeling that I can't explain; something niggling in the back of my mind for the past few days like a black seeded thought. It's the feeling of second guessing constantly, I keep wondering if I did the right things. I wish for a guidebook to life, with this is right and this is wrong written like floating thought bubbles.
I haven't been blogging consistently, I'm sorry. Pitas will be my friend for life though.....It's just.....I find it hard to settle. I'm still trying to adjust to having a new apartment, my life is still in bags and boxes and sitting in the living room with a cushion and soymilk I think of what is before and nothing is what I ever dreamed about.
I really didn't know he was on speed. I guessed Caitlin was drunk, but not them. Did I do the right thing turning him down? We were dancing and he was hot and he held my hand as we spun across the room and said he wished he had my skirt because he wanted to swish like that too. I laughed. There was flashing lights and rickety cushions and maybe he was high or what, and yeah.... but I wondering what the holy fuck. Then last week I had dinner with others and yea, fuck - apparently everyone was on speed and grass and all were all snorting down the kitchen hallway. wow.
chalking it up to experience i guess.
then there was the whole photography thing. i still don't know. using nick was the more intelligent choice; it was commerically viable, able to pull huge crowds and almost gaurenteed to sell a million bucks and make us rich and famous. and then i ditched it. wow. it was me - i called it off. total what the fuck right? i don't even have a proper excuse, just an instinct. i lied when i said i couldn't work with him, i know i could. i'm not difficult to work with, and i'm sure with time i could work something out. but. no.
muse, musing. sometimes i have dreams of things that should never happen; red deserts and hot red sand streaming with wind, of blue witchfire and smoke-flavoured stories, the sensation of another you that holds me in my sleep and gone gone gone when i wake. it's just daydreams and illusions but they feel so real that maybe it's really mars.
no, that part hasn't changed. intrinsitically, no matter how uncomfortable i am with this skin underneath the same person exists. i still hold my secrets close, brittle-like. i think of toasted almond nogaut, and that sweet taste and excruiating texture melting into something i didn't know whether i liked or didn't.
i'm writing this essay but my mind is so far away.
i really want a bath too :(
it's like during essay periods like this, i never know what to start first.
kyaaa i hope it gets done soon.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:19 a.m.+
It's strange, listening to the TV whilst sitting on a tatami mat typing away. It's strange because it's something I would've never imagined doing 6 months ago, furthest thing from my mind. I cooked steak and broccoli today, which was fabulous. Mostly I've just been thinking over things, and trying to decide where to go from here now.
So much time has passed since the last, hasn't it? I think, I listen, I daydream. I yearn so deeply to prove myself, to reach the level of worldwide success to make everyone happy - I believe it will bring happiness (whether or not it will is debatable) because so many people want to see me do it, and I want to make them happy. At the same time, I know it isn't like that - I'm not one of those people whose talents burst out when young with early success. This makes me restless. Restless because I know I can achieve that, but I can't seem to reach that ability until a 'stage' has passed. For instance, my photography only began to really show after the bodies in water project and I know that my next one, the surrealism one will be yet another stepping stone. I won't automatically know what I'm doing, I just have to wait.
That's the hard part
knowing you can do it, but waiting for it -
is that what's like? growing up?
it's so painful
I just feel so lackluster sometimes. I see people my age doing brilliantly while I'm stuck between medicore and above average. At the same time, I know I can't force myself to go any faster. It's not possible. Some people learn things from the outside, picking up pieces of the world and making them different. Some people pick up things from the inside, which is equally good but difficult because youth doesn't give you much insides to pick from :/ Maturity can't be accelerated unfortunately.
It's just so hard, knowing you could be one of them but yet unable to be because something is lacking.
Worst still, I don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't think I'm cutout for commercial work - year after year my style gets more into fine arts and less commerical value. Ditching Nick might be good for my mental health and project, but overall that genderfuck project was more commercial than the surrealism one. That said, I adore surrealism. Some part of me wants to continue schooling and complete a postgrad in fine arts. Another part of me wants to start working and travelling after I graduate. A last, and tiny tiny part of me just wants to sleep forever and never wake up.
still writing essay......
urgh urgh urgh
maybe I should just finish the reading then continue
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:31 a.m.+
there are birds chirping outside my window.
I am so happy to be here.
I feel like I've been ignoring my blog; so much has passed without anything written down but once it's gone - it's just gone. BAM! like that. sinking back into a feverish memory of oncoming spring.
lately it's been nothing but sashimi parties and lamb shanks and moving in. Yesterday was the quickest move I've ever done.....complete with a DHL van lol then I found out my new housemate (Adorna) used to be a culinary student and she made custard and lamb shanks as a welcome for me and it was FABULOUSSSSSSSSSS. I can't describe the wonderful flavour of stewed lamb shanks until the meat slides off the bone and the delicious buttery marrow waiting to be sucked. FAAAABULOUS. She's now working in a law firm (as an assistant) while doing a part-time hospitality course.
I have so much stuff it isn't funny man :/ and I miss bearbear, who is in audy's safekeeping.
I have to keep mentioning it's such a deliciously perfect day today - it's warm with a hint of spring, lusciously green and sunny and I'm sitting here, warm and coddled and relaxed at last in my own home. I had leftover lamb for lunch and I didn't even mind doing dishes. There's shelves to be fixed and books to be arranged but hey; that can wait. It's just so wonderful to simply exist now
So, what's up? First up is that spring is coming, as recognized by symptoms of hayfever. It's not infectious, but it *IS* annoying. My throat feels slightly sore, my nose is congested (but not runny) and I've started to wear more lolita again :D it's frilly weather yay! Several items on y!J caught my eye, so hopefully I'll get them *crosses fingers*
There's assignments to be done too. Photography is the iffiest, wheras the rest are rather comme ci comme sa ATM. Creative Writing is mostly done, I just need to get drunk enough finish it. I'll email the rest for asian PR and then figure an ad campaign for marketing woohoo :/ assignments are so boring when there's lovely weather to be had.
anyway I'm off to meet jiawei and show her around sydney road.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:47 p.m.+
for some reason I can't explain
.......is probably the best summation I can say about the last few weeks. I don't know, I don't know how or why or whatever but I'm going to try hard to make it straight and sense and damnit it's just so fucking confusing right now
Melbourne Model Musical - sucks up your life like a money hungry whore who just keeps doing and doing and doing it right and you just take it in and what? I'm not even getting paid for this shite! I feel worthy however - I have more contacts than I can deal with (human quota remains persistently filled and entirely sick of parties ATM BTW) Opening night was fine, mikes were a wee bit soft but the energy was good and afterwards I crashed like a hot potato sackcloth; a traumatic mess
on the roadside kerb
just sitting there; i started to cry
and everything was so cold
so alone
black wool on black ground and mica. run run run runrunrunrun wandering crazily with nothing in mind but dust and dustlike and thought-motes floating crazily like flecking vermin. came in and drank something they passed in my hand; they call it augusta bitters. the sharp the sour the bitter the cold; the clink of ice and glass and I fled back to the safe dark
friday was my day off and sunshine and sweepstakes and dogs barking at moonlight and i didn't care; and then came the strange tale of jerkboy and old dim and uncle sam all came jumbling up; tongue trippin' as it gamboled down and humdered down jiawei's poor ears and i writ a story about an intergalatic cowboy and God; or so sez I.
saturday was a mad rush again; madly we rushed, madly. the show went well, even the mantinee ones which was really great and this one got filmed and yeah so many luminaries blah blah foreign minister blah blah loads of fame and recognition and blah blah blah who gives a fuck right? um. anyway. Very Important People came (or so they say)
sunday was the final and thank you to jiawei and steph and natz and magdalen and friend who came and enjoyed the show. i was so hyper and excited and omg bump out was such a bitch crashed at bridie's place and just sat there and watched the evening sun and clouds and isn't it so wonderful that no matter how shitty the day the is, the sky is always realiably interesting? (even when empty?)
met up with jiawei and ranted about melbourne model, melbourne model cast and basically: FUCK IT JUST CONFUSES ME INTO A WHOLE MASS OF SHITE ASKLFHJFDSHJKSDFJHKL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 111111111 1111111111111 D: D: D: D: or something within those lines. ouch, my head. ouch, brain tumor from overthinking. ouch, stop analyzing every fucking single fucking thing.
along with all this culminates with the general stress of not having a house (must be repeated 1000000xxx times a day and every hour before the sun shines a shoe). i just feel so inert until i finally settle down somewhere
god i wish i was in adult daycare residential college
..........although it is a questionable. reputedly.
whatever.
tres merde man, life = tres merde.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:35 p.m.+
is my new favourite word. You might as well jerkboy, limp-zizzer, milkyway jism, brillatine, snow-sugar, hobb and flitter, knackered tastin' and jack moves to it. it's an intergalatic cowboy on a salving wingdings ship and dingbat!pinkerton is how it's going to sing, dance, move.
today i sat on the bench outside pronto's pizza and soaked up the sunshine like a cat. it's warm and blanket-like and dewy and full of afternoon smells. smells like wind and springlike and dancing evars, and the sound of the word: 'espergous' repeated over and over again.
bad bad bad is the time now. bad is seperentine and odboros munching on dog's tail and orion blinding himself with a spake. dem dem demmings; dem dogs and dem old dim who speaks in d's and plosives and grates on the nerves like a static cheesegrater going ra-ra-ra-zzzziiittttt-silence-
i curled up and lived inwards and waited till my eyes crossed itself. inside in warm and let my fingers freeze. i'm tired of crying and tired of feeling and mostly just.....tired. i want to curl up on the streetside (stateside?) kerb and watch the black skirt against black tar-street in a black black starless sky and the riii rii riii sound of the dirge in the background
+tsu waited for you at 06:52 p.m.+
yesterday was skyscrapers and citylights and wandering the streets at midnight. it was being lost and losted and mr. maclosty with captain cat and jerkboy singing enchanted songs. yesterday was a special type of tsu-flavoured psycoboin milkshake made of spunglass and spidersilk and wormwood glowing green.
and then it was like that.
the show was great; really. it was wonderful and fantastipo and spectacular with all fireworks and starry eyes and fangirls in a row with clap after clap after clap and encores reflowering and all those happy shiny feelings descending like party balloons in the sky - all 99 red ones at that. and then like that - aftershock.
of a deep dark weighted sadness
of a heavy cloak wrapped against
of wraiths and waifs and wreathes of smoke
tunnelling down down down like spirals and sinking and i just ran outside to cry. to know i miss thunderstorms and lighting rain. and to not have it; not there. an invalidated self wandering in grided streets and the laughter and beer is a type of distance - a windowlooking distance. i don't know why i chose to remain apart, at the same time i know i don't fit in either. maybe it's easier to stay away, then to have the terrible knowledge that you know know for sure that you don't fit in.
i'm just tired and hungry i guess.
so anyway, i've been writing a story-kind-of for creative writing. how creative is it? no idea. nasquat, nasdat, naz maaar mayhaps. i'm going to have some pastry and try to forget.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:58 p.m.+
in uni now and damned, it's so boring. i'm just not interested in digital photography - it's dry, technical and honestly requires no skill. pretty much if you can press a button and compose, you can more or less take a digital photograph. besides, wouldn't it be so sad if people lost these darkroom skills because no one was interested in it anymore?
tired. finding a place is draining. yesterday i had 4 inspections, and today another 2. i'm beginning to lose hope over this - out of the 4 yesterday only 2 seemed good and out of the 2 only 1 is left.
i hear the sounds of rainwater; in it lies the goldfish. underneath that tanked universe is a swirling movement of a crowd breathing underwater with umbrellas, inbetween this drowned city, the goldfish smiles as it swims through the skyscrapers. tank universe.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:12 a.m.+
in uni now and damned, it's so boring. i'm just not interested in digital photography - it's dry, technical and honestly requires no skill. pretty much if you can press a button and compose, you can more or less take a digital photograph. besides, wouldn't it be so sad if people lost these darkroom skills because no one was interested in it anymore?
tired. finding a place is draining. yesterday i had 4 inspections, and today another 2. i'm beginning to lose hope over this - out of the 4 yesterday only 2 seemed good and out of the 2 only 1 is left.
i hear the sounds of rainwater; in it lies the goldfish. underneath that tanked universe is a swirling movement of a crowd breathing underwater with umbrellas, inbetween this drowned city, the goldfish smiles as it swims through the skyscrapers. tank universe.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:12 a.m.+
I just feel like copypasta. These past few weeks feel like hell, and nothing is totally resolved yet. Today I finally moved out after the fiasco, got the money transferred into my account (with reciept) and items moved into storage. My brain's shattered and I just feel emotionally and mentally drained like day old pasta. As much as I appreciate everyone's help, there's still a constant pressure of being homeless and not having permanence which I really dislike. I need a place FAST, but not another shitty dump.
mostly I'm just stressed and in shock; coping with reality a bit everyday. I feel gunky and grossed and I miss having a home and family now - I miss mom and aya and even kor, and it's times like this I wonder why I wanted to grow up so quickly. Not now. Now I just want to be a kid again, and the only thing I need to worry is whether there's going to be carrots for dinner or not. I miss home in the most sentimental of ways, but then I know deep down I want to stay. It's that desire that stops me from crying when there's no new adverts on accom.net, it's that desire that stops me from giving up and running home, it's that desire that just goes: 'okay. what next?'
no, it's not something normally people would understand.
So. Tomorrow is just another day isn't it? Tomorrow I have house-hunting and web checking and the usual introductions to make. Tomorrow I shall wake up with good ideas and stay alive. Tomorrow it might rain. Tomorrow it might shine. I don't care anymore - all it matters now is a place to stay.
Over the last two weeks I've felt alternately angry and frustrated. Sometimes at the situation, sometimes at my friends. I guess part of it is that they'll never understand this, and that I find it hard - I still find it hard to accept help. There's a lot of complications in this, but I'm not planning to say it when nothing has been finalized. I think maybe I don't really get along with some people, or that some people just annoy me but I've been ignoring it kinda way. Mostly I just want a break - please give me the luck to find a house, please give me the strength (and financial security!) to not give up and please please please let it all work out by next week.
Yeah. That.
I think of chocolate bars and candy canes and seahorses in a row. There's a sand and a sea and beneath that - is the dying sunrise of a horizon, melting into mecury
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:10 p.m.+
SO. LIFE is busybusybusy like a buzzing humming bee and tsu is busbusybusy like an energizer bunny with jackiechan batteries. Current happenings: housemate got her visa cancelled because she failed her 2nd year 3 times, so therefore I'm taking over the lease HOWEVER she is making it *really* hard for me because she's being such a self-righteous bitch about it. Melbourne Model musical is happeningz and being so happeningz means that my weekends are gone and so are some of my weeknights :( I doubt I'll have much of a life right now. Mostly it revolves around getting the lease done, finding a housemate and finishing up Melbourne Model.
Friday was terrible. Housemate was being a stupid bitch, literally. She's so stupid she can't do anything without her boyfriend, can't even go to the real estate agency without him because she can't read or even write a fucking letter and made me wait for her to finishing bathing and blow drying her fucking hair as I was running LATE. wtf. I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED OFF.
met up with jiawei and audy at castro's and apologized for being so late. (HAET HOUSEMATE) and trudged to SCA for shooting. shooting was bloody hilarious and frustrating. uv lens broke (shit) and forgot to load film (shitshitshit) but ended up finishing okay, hopefully the pictures turn out fine *crossesfingers* :x :x :x ahhhh~~ I'm really hoping it turns out okay because I only have Wednesday to make sure it's fine. Went to Animal Orchestra for a food fest and ate sooooooooooo much. 1 affogato, 1 icecream chai, 1 latte, 1 pickled octopus, 1 marinated mushrooms with sage, 1 roast beef panini, 1 brownie, 1 stickydate pudding with icecream, 1 baked eggs with bacon and 2 beers. ATE AND ATE AND ATE Dx hahaha~ we sat there till closing time, and then I decided to crash audy's house because I was tired and didn't feel like seeing my housemate's face. (still pissed off at her).
Woke up at 9am for uni on a SATURADAY. fuck. what am I doing?!?! I'm supposed to be a slacker >_> did all the fittings and stuff and test trialed all the shoes and whoaaa DRAMAUUUUUUU went home for a bath, then woke up for dinner. Met up with audy and jiawei and headed to Es Teler because it was so freakin' cold. Since jiawei was cold and sad I bought her chocolate and baklava and we stoned in International Cakes until closing time. Woooahhh~~~ fun isn't it????? Then ran into Elsa. ZOMG. she looks so different I couldn't recognize her :x apparently she's in melbourne as well? sasjdfhjrfkj I rarely keep track about these kind of things, they don't interest me.
Sunday went to Bridie's house and did the patterns and make. Max was there and like zomg still hitting on me =_=;;;; even Emma openly told me Max liked me (and so did a lot of people wtf wtf wtf I DIDN'T KNOW D:) It was weirdly uncomfortable because he was trying to hit on me and Emma at the same time and I was trying to be oblivious and dense and not listening and then Richard came (he just broke up with Emma) and it got even more and more awkward....... :/ Out of guilt, pastry-bribery and emotional blackmail I got suckered into the costume parade tomorrow as well as hunting for shitz. Ended up in Big W looking at Batman costumes (with false chests) and....BINGO! yeah... Argh. Monday is going to be hell for me.
Things on Monday
- 9am-11am Photography lect+tute
- Go NAB get bank statement
- Go CS Lygon get reciepts x4
- bring that + passport, driving licence, visa, 3 bill
- go MICM @ 1.30pm
- sign lease
- go home pick up teh shitz
- go elizabeth street
- magic shop/swirly glasses
- camera xchange get lens fixed
- go bridie's house
- pass jiawei tix at 4pm
- costume parade 6pm
- photography casting shots 6.30pm
Hopefully tuesday will be more of a break. Going shopping with audy, skipping lecture and most important - SLEEPING IN!!!!!!!!
lovebr>
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:49 a.m.+
very stressed.
not yet pissed; but could possibly be
So. My housemate (Doris, the cleaning freak) got her visa cancelled after she failed 2nd year for the THIRD time. Since she passed the deadline for uni-apps in second semester, she's inbound for HK in 2 weeks which gives me 14 days to transfer the lease, water/electricity/internet, find $800 dollars overnight and basically run myself crazy looking/interviewing for potential housemates. OH. I also have an assignment due on the 29th, internship 2009 talk on the 17th and Melbourne Model Musical.
And my kidneys still hurt. ouch :x
it hurts less now, but sometimes when I twist I just feel a stab of pain. I get more tired easily and winded after running. I'm quite sure the infection is gone, and the pathology report showed that I don't have diebetes or am dead yet.
I'm just really fucking stressed (if you haven't realized from the first paragraph). I feel cheated, lied to and basically annoyed beyond belief. Apparently she can nag and pressure me to make decisions overnight but I can't do the same for her. FUCKING BITCH YOU DESERVE TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So. TOMORROW:
10am Michaim Real Estate to sign lease forms
11am Photography
12nn Photography
1pm lunch break
2.30pm Short Fiction
4.30pm Vanbar's
5pm find chopsticks/thread/clegg's fabric glue
Saturday I need to go for Melbourne Musical meeting at 10am so it means I need to bring shite :/ I'm not sure how to get so much stuff in a short period because I'm in such a crazy rush for time but hopefully I can at least find the chopsticks, glue and thread by tomorrow evening LATEST. Must bring bubblewrap as well for Emma.
things to bring:
-passport
-spray bottle
-marbles
-macro lens
-3x ilford delta 100
-torchlight
-torchlight pinhole
- SMS JW RE: RED/WHITE FILTER
- backdrop: coudory;cotton;chiffon
ok. need to eat antibiotics, bathe and sleep.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:50 a.m.+
Am still in pain.
paaaaaaaain
do not pass Go, do not collect $200 :(
next time I think I can do without panadol someone please kick me on the head (or stop listening to audy who makes me sound like a drug addict)
So. Anyway. I have a kidney infection - no, I have no idea how I got it unless it's Immaculate Conception since it's apparently found in sex. Or rather, after sex. As far as I know the only person I sleep with is bearbear, and we haven't humped each other yet. MISERABLE. MISERABLE. IN PAIN. MISERY.
it's supposed to be a 1/1000 anunally too WTF
super-suay okbr>
IN PAAAAAAAAAAAAIN
you know how awkward it sounds to say my kidneys hurt?
but. THEY HURT.
(liek biatches :/)
Missed appointment with audy and EMS DID NOT COME. angryyyyyy :( made very soggy soumen and then went for marketing lecture to listen to jiawei whine about her job. honestly there's money and there's money and if china taught me anything; following the dollar sign needlessly is foolhardy and stupid. STUPID. always wait for the right oppotunity and balance between what you want and need. went to animal orchestra and practiced cake math; mmmm~~ sticky date pudding! I feel so sick after eating so much cake though, but. I AM STILL IN PAIN DESPITE CAKE. *sadface*
the hot chocolate was pretty good too, but for some reason I miss the non-sweet one at pelligrini's (bourke st)
I feel sleepy but it's too early to sleep *sighs*
it's just that my lower half is cringingly painful atm
Still not as bad as Sunday though. I was in so much pain I couldn't even move or sleep, and in desperation I called the 24hr Royal Melbourne hotline who told me to pop panadols and see a doctor immediately. Missed school on Monday (sadface, it was photography but what to do? I was dying) and sat through endless rounds of pathology tests and godknows what else. Went home and crawled to sleep. Actually that sums up most of my week - went home and crawled to sleep.
so now I have double antibiotics twice a day, as well as 2 panadols every 4 hrs to deal with the paaaaaaaaain. unfortunately I'm almost out of panadols now, so I might have to switch to ibropufen (1 every 6 hrs). I strongly believe the more you know about what shit you're taking the better, lest you end up in a situation where no one knows crap during an emergency.
feeling V. Lazy :( I haven't had dinner yet, but I'm already sleepy. Maybe I'll take a short nap and wake up at 11 to mircowave some noodles and take antibiotics before hopping back to sleep. descisions....... argh being sick makes me so tired :( I hope I can last through tomorrow. Photography workshop AND marketing tute!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:21 p.m.+
blargh I feel really sick now.
:( :( :(
Friday was fun and also a nightmare. Actually now that I think about it, I should've just stayed at home instead of convincing myself I was okay because I became really really sick during the night/early morning and finally woke audy up to crash home :x I want to have a sleepover again though! It was really fun, despite being sick and all. The best part is after that you start speaking in Trans-Engrish aka. Translated Engrish. For example: "Having a bath is such a warm and gentle feeling, the cleanliness of self makes one full of happiness. Such is a beautiful good evening." The worst/best part is that you end up talking like that too! LOOOOOOOOOOL hahaha too much CTKT I guess xD
Left my handphone at her place (idiot i am) so I went to pick it up and go dinner with Jiawei at Sushi Masa - or initially, that was the plan. Ended up THREE of us went to Sushi Masa, ordered a huge load of foods (only complaint: carrot, pumpkin and sweet potato tempura WTF WTF!!) On the way to hot chocolate, stopped by a bookshop where Jiawei got a copy of Gibson's Idoru and I ranted about how the new Equus covers looked like shite :x THEY ARE SO AWKWARD TO CARRY WTF. Went to the cafe bar next door for hot chocolates and OMG the hot chocolate tastes like Aya's!<333 what a deep and nostalgic taste~ (omg!engrish return) Drinking this melting chocolate flavour warms the heart to the idea of going home~
I believe it was Jiawei's brilliant idea to go for drinks later, that alcoholic. Calling her a closet alcoholic would be untrue because she's an out-of-closet alcoholic and hellva mean drinker. So we hopped down to 1806 (famous for its oldskool cocktails, winner of 2007 best mixologist) to try a couple of drinks. Tried a very good Campino-candy one called Sapphire Cliantro which was: strawberries, vanilla vodka, clinatro and a bit more. Very sweet, floral and fruity but no umbrella :( Jiawei split half her drink on herself though wtf. I really like the Fish Punch Drunk too. (booze on booze combo; peach brandy on rum) Mint Julep wasn't sweet enough, and Xanadu was too sweet wtf. Japanese Slipper wasn't too bad either, since midori tastes like melon<3 ahhhhhhhhhh am I turning into an alcoholic? xDDDD but cocktails are so fun!
Flickrmeet today, it was bloody cold and I was an idiot and only wore a thin jacket Dx anyway it was pretty fun: pictures were nice, people were nice, there was an atari machine and hey! I got a free drink :D god I sound like a freakin' alcoholic. Oh, I saw Wendy too. Strange how many unimelb people are on flickr....or maybe not!
anyway I hope I get better soon because I am getting sick of being sick
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:10 a.m.+
am happy and full and blogging from audy's computer. chicken and mushroom porridge! :D and audy is hovering my shoulder in a disturbing dictative way. dotz. she's commenting on my bad spelling apparently since her firefox has spellcheck and i am dotz. dotz. dotz.
no i'm not drunk because my bag did not have enough space to put alcohol because blanket took too much space and she's offended i didn't bring bearbear. but bearbear wasn't interested in a threesome anyway because he has higher standards than audy would think. despite. his small nose.
yesterday i was sick, now i'm still sick but at least i ate food and bought crepe because audy's house has no crepes. or icecream. or a nice big pan. a big pan would be useful because i had to cook the chicken in batches due to her tiny tiny pan. does someone have a complex or what? ISSUES. tiny pan. *cough*
oh and her toilet door can't lock.
she keeps telling me the nagase toilet door story as though i would leave my door open when pissing. WELL. NO LUCK. because. because. you need to PAY ME FIRST. hurhurhurhur. i bet kame was jealous of our dinner because he had no fingerlickin chicken. he and jin looks sad and hungry and jin is fat and sad AND hungry. hurhurhur.
now we are on the verge of a new discovery; namely a JE marathon. just how much can we eat? just how much can we watch? just how high can we get without weed? :D :D :D now we are going to say bye-bye-bicycle and began our NEW AND EXCITING JOURNEY. wish us, GANBAREMASUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love
tsu
HI this is audy. believe it or not, tsu is not drunk though she is certainly behaving as though she is :D and contrary to popular belief, we do not smoke weed on a regular basis :D :D but if we do get drunk, I assure you that we will be throwing eggs out of the window <33
PS. i say that eggs are too expensive to throw
+tsu waited for you at 09:19 p.m.+
it's really cold today. cold = nibbily = vaguely hungry all day. that said; I've found a ~*new*~ and ~*delicious*~ thing - pepper pate raisin sandwhiches! :D it's funny but I always go food crazy for an item (last week it was egg mayonaise, this week it's pepper pate raisin toast) and I eat it all day and all night until I get really really really sick of it and never want to eat it again........ until I get another craving that is
I'm kinda everything-wooshing-whatting now.
just.....not happy :/
i'm being weird i know, but i sometimes wish things were different. or maybe i'm making it too easy and that's why i still feel there's an uncrossable bridge and maybe it was better when both points were still far away because up close; the wall has never seem so much thicker. i want to make it harder, but i want it to be easier too. or maybe it's just me and i'm just confusing the shite out of myself as well and sometimes i just want to drown into somethingsomeone a good strong stiff drink of sotch and whisky and hope that the time i imagined was real and what is now isn't what i want. i want to scream in frustration but it's so bloody contridictory. every step is like backwards; it's like talking through holes in the walls and walls with holes and nothing fucking makes sense anymore and IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. yes. say it. i want to say it like that. IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. oh. relief. to slam these caps on the keyboard. NOT SO SIMPLE. WHAT DO YOU KNOW. what is it about individual happiness that is selfish but not really that either, it's about being wanted anddoing that is just so fucking so fucking fukcking too much
and yes, if you can't tell
i am quite sick of it.
i'm beginning to consider my life as a cigarette chomping alocholic. it's not there yet, but CLOSE. fuck. i need a packet of sleeping pills and a freakin' tranquilzer.
+tsu waited for you at 12:12 a.m.+
it's the kind of weather today; to crawl into somewhere soft and warm and dream of feathery cocoons and chrysalis. the bland soft diffusion of pearly sunlight; cold and frosted and gleaming like mecury droplets. my head hurts-but-not-really, just a kind of blurred fuzziness that feels like i'm asleep and awake at the same time - all zombielike and delicately shuffled.
i need some 'off' time.
getting tired of going out.
to watch something soft and slow, and wake up tomorrow. tomorrow. what and where and how it'll go. watch a movie about sunshine and unchangingness, about seashores and quiet songs. i think of that song; quiet&dark; nameless hotel rooms with red-lit labryinth corridoors and strangers in between walls waiting for the next stop; stop shop. shower comes on, the next room yells "where the fuck is my hot water?!" it comes as a muffled sound through papery walls as you walk out with only a towel wrapped around your waist and an endless moment of mutual understanding in a dark and quiet place. familarity? it is so stale. so cold. but anyway, whatever for right?
sometimes i think living is like endlessly falling, except that isn't a bottom and you're just inside a chute and your arms are failing desperately flapping up and up you think but down and down is where we're heading and there isn't actually a bottom and we aren't actually moving anywhere - just the motions; flapping arms and chicken feet and tangled hair and strange grosteque faces as we fight for an up that doesn't exist. no exit. stuck in a motion. it's only later that flying is futile and there's stunt strings and directors and cameras catching it all and nothing is ever as simple as just an alice falling down the well into wonderland
i'm quite tired of recapping events; aren't you? sometimes i feel writing is a special type of pointlessness - you write for an audience who doesn't understand and even in writing the clarity doesn't exist. i support neither theory, i don't disprove it either. pretty apathetically, i just accept things that are in being. for instance emma recently asked me: "what do you want to be?" (an interesting echo of audrey's question) and i couldn't answer. i don't want to be - i am in being. for instance i want to have a job that doesn't involve sitting in a desk 24/7, but i don't know what it will be. generally i just prefer to keep indiscriminate; things that already are in being rather that what they will be
but who cares right?
that kind of answer isn't want people want to hear
once and for all, i just want to say that would people please stop asking me how audy is doing. this is the SIXTH phonecall/MSN message i've recieved and when i replied: "i have no clue." people seem to take it as a personal affront. whut. wat. wat. wat. do you really expect me to hold her hand and tuck her into bed every single day? anyway she's a bloody adult, and it's not really my business unless she contacts me first. so. just to make that clear - yes she's alive, yes i've seen her and no, we are not permanently glued to each other on the hip
urgh i sound so stressed.
actually, i think i am
there's too much noise now, so much unclarity. foggy as shit and don't know what to do - breath particles clouding on glass and mirrors in trump l'oeil. sideways and archways and david lynch landscapes and the stale perfume of unaired houses. i need a break. a mental holiday down the edge of a hollow, doped with soma and selfness. i need to be alone. alone with voices that don't speak with sounds and dazzle with their muteness with dark bells and a quiet so heavy it feels like velveteen nights.
scrabbling noises
stratch over scrape over sore grains
of childrens' knees; high-pitched giggles in
mouseacid and bogeyman ringadingles on
machinegun icecream and dragging it down
downdowndowndowndowdown into
[silence]
for a tranquilize
i don't know what to talk about anymore.
it's so clumsy. clumsier than apecture science
and weighted exposures. clumsy like
sliding bars and tree-saws and
atomic bombs
with mushroom cloud filos
it's so cold but beautiful.
time to hide in rowden white
fall asleep in mushy couches and dusty books
the smell of university and stink of it
lingers;
when i dream
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:15 p.m.+
urgh I know when there's not enough humidity because that's when my skin becomes tight and dry and itchy as hell. I'm slathering moisturizer the way people marinate pork chops for dinner, but I still want to stratchhhh~~~~ >_> please increase humidity plzkthnxbai.
Woke up late after 1000xxx rounds of CTKT, which mostly involves me laughing my ass off at nakamaru/kame/koki and snorting when jin says: "I don't cheat" and "I don't go nightclubs" *SNORTS* yeah right. ooooo~~ itchyyyyy :( *pours more moisturizer*
tomorrow photography class, and then I'm going to crawl into rowden white/castro's and do my readings and drink chai and try not to sink into self pity after the WTF-saturday. MUST. GET. IT. RIGHT. I was so upset I sent the package from crescent (thus closing off shopping for the next month or so) but I'm really excited about getting the dollhouse OP<3333 eek! grey and black! and it TWINKLES! on the same note I sold off stuff to fund my latest purchases, so all's well with my bank account :D
still rather annoyed that I lost the moitie dress though, it's really strange that I can't seem to email closet child o.O;;;;; but ah well, it's good not to spend so much anyway. went to the flickr silvermine meet at the workshop today and frangelico hot chocolate is GLORIOUS. OH THE JOY<333333333333333333 met up people and talked photos (again) for the next few hours and yeahhhh. not too bad. there's another meet on saturday as well, the big one with everyone going in collingwood, Unsensored exhibition. quite tempted to go hmmmmmm
off to sleep, 9am class here I come!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:52 a.m.+
:(
:(
:(
:(
:(
today was bad
so i'm listening to mountain goats
-sulksulksulk-
-sulksulksulk-
it was just bad
today was just so full of fail
slow at patterns
made silly mistakes (preventable)
bad photography
bad bad baaaaaaaaad :(
ficwars criteria change
:((((((((((((((((
*mopes*
I'm going to listen to Nature Boy on loop
and try to believe in pixies
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:34 a.m.+
Went Richmond today~the weather has been unbelievably warm lately (global warming?) and it's really an unusually mild winter. Last winter was terrible, with deluge of rain everyday and winds strong enough to crack traffic posts. Jiawei was trying to look for those blocky factories and I wanted to go spelunking. In the end with settled for going around the edge of Punt's bridge along the river (between the straddle of Richmond and SouthYarra) and walking into the drain LOL. We found a wild sakura tree in the middle of nowhere IN FULL BLOOM. Imagine; walking along the riverbank and suddenly - BAM! SAKURA! BLOSSOMS! *_* very pretty and pink. Actually the entire place was rather pretty~
Found this hugeass power station and it looked so cool - like an entire city made of power lines all churning and chugging morosely in the quickly darkening sky. Sunset was beautiful and luminous, the rain like a hazy glowing cloud that made Melbourne city look like a disney flick; all strawberrypink and sherbetorange and glittering gold. Got back just in time for a crossiant, baguette and waffle<333 damnit I love degraves street, it's my favourite place in melbourne city
stoned around magnation and fell asleep until jiawei kicked my chair :/ still wet and bloody cold, but went safeway. urgh. got home and watched House, which was pretty cool and all that and ate my smoked trout baguette and orange juice.
oh yeah called nick, need to text anna as well. god. life is full of these wtfs sometimes. urgh. meh. argh. lol. ah well, it seems like the more i learn about him the more i don't like him???????? am i weird or what.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:29 a.m.+
Runrunrunrunrunrun
spacewalked and speedashed across
grabbed the 9.04 tram
photography lect
woosh; sink into the seat- scarf and jacket askew
information overload
no correspondence
honestly it felt too basic - stuff like high key/low key I've done before. meh but I really want to try my own processing and silver gelatin printing. So cool! Met the new coordinator too, Colin Lane (who seems pretty nice and helpful). Got REALLY PISSED OFF at richard&emma though, wtf wtf wtf smsing me during class and then asking me to RUN BACK to get film and magically pass it to them. do they think that photographers carry entire portfolios with them???????? I had no lunch or breakfast because of them, and I was really really angry at how they were treating me. fucking hell, i'm not your busboybitch >:/!
DDDDDDDDDDD:
went to 250 collins street to do the food handling cert, which was kinda funny and cool and like watching anthony bourdain and all. hahaha makes me wonder how much bacteria is festering in me, considering I never bother to store properly most of the time. after we finished I was so bloody hungry and snacked on the way to meeting jiawei ('cause she'll be late as usual) picked up film from vanbar's and waited at lazzat. apparently natz doesn't like ghin kao, and ying thai isn't opened on mondays so three of us settled on lazzat (more like laziness too). had dinner, then went to cinema nova to pick and movie.
watched Happy Go Lucky
OMG
C'EST BIZARRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahah I guess it was supposed to be an episodic movie
but it was so weird! It had almost no plot, no conflict (except for the weird-as-fuxx driving instructor) and LOADS OF BAD PUNS D: like, BARGAIN!!!!!! IN-RA-HAAAAAAA!!!!! PUBIC TRIANGLEEEEEEEEEEE
laughed until my stomach hurt
next monday: The Band's Visit?
I don't mind watching it again<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:28 p.m.+
END OF FREEDOM!!!!!!! D:
tomorrow is officially the first day of uni
*muchly sadness*
So, fucked up timetable and otherwise and 9am classes and all day rain :/ actually today was pretty alright. Lunch'ed at Pacific (yay for duck rice!) then headed down to NGV and ooo'ed at silver gelatin prints. OOOOO *-* I really want to try it this semester<333333333333
Managed to get a fairly decent shot of the Lavin/archway thing, even with the No Photography sign (who gives a fuck anyway? It's not like I'm going to use flash D:) Still thinking about doing a tarot set hmmmmmmm.....I could be an ass and pick out my favourites (and skip the ones I dislike adjdfjhdskl) Although I have a feeling everything I pick will be awesomely wangsty (as usual) because y'know, I'm nuts like that. Wonder if I can dunk someone in a swimming pool with chiffon and cellophane. Talking about cellophane, I really loved that photo with the etoile stuff and and crinkles because it was SO COOL
no chai latte today :( sadness
Wandered around a bit, meh I really want to go brunswick or something this weekend~~~~~ kinda bored of melbourne central ....maybe richmond? I really want to use some bw. film. that reminds me, need to collect the potrait stuff from vanbar's tomorrow
eek socks. eek happiness. eek socks and stars and happiness. and listening to numero while warming my feet on the heater. eek need shower. eek school tomorrow. eeek for everything!
and when it hailed today
little iceballs like pachinko balls falling from the sky
scattering like skittles on sidewalks
your breath; exhaling a softly frozen mist
so cool
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:42 p.m.+
+tsu waited for you at +
I'm in the kind of mood that involves guns and dark laughter and jane faces with open mouths. It's the kind of william gibson netbunnies on hypertextual crack mixed with tables and chairs and slicked buildings
I'm really in a shitty mood lately. Just so bloody fucking fucking fucking frustrated and angry at people that I want to lash out and hurt someone badly. All this pent-up emotion needs an outlet, and I'm just waiting for someone to push me far enough before I explode and start snarling. I'm still not sure if I'm happy over Audrey Leong being in Melbourne; half of it being that I hate changes and I hate it when people move conpartments. You have to understand, the tsu-in-Singapore and tsu-in-Melbourne are two *very* different people. I'm a lot harder and fiercely independent in Melbourne than in Singapore, purely out of self-survival. I'm a lot more determined and ambitious as well, and a lot less emotionally flakey. You can't afford to have drama or any of those annoy emotional ups/downs when there's grocery to be bought, toilets to be cleaned and assignments to be deadlined. Then there's photography and Melbourne Model musical (fucking choreographer needs a fucking wakeup call)
y'know? jack moves
So like that, now I'm living in a jack move. You follow, you flow, you ignore people who are annoying the shit out of you (even if they're someone you know) and make the most out of it. Oppotunistic. So far I've been doing okay - got a couple of ideas about advertising, going to get the Food Handling cert on Monday, might be helping in Lonesome West, some concepts for photoshoots and a new notebook. Went out to South Yarra/Prahan yesterday and found this AWESOME 2nd hand bazaar and spent hours inside digging through and taking photos of stuff. I got a red vintage case (perfect for photoshoots!) and busy ogling at the awesome glided birdcage. GOLDEN. BIRDCAGE *_* big enough to fit a person inside. I saw traffic lights and doorframes and every single bits and pieces you can think of
Dinner at Soda Rock, and we spent a couple of dollars fooling with the jukebox to play Beach Boys and Witch Doctor song and eating these huge-ass burgers and chips and pancakes and thickshakes and taking bokeh photos and nua-ing on the couch. That place is like, GOOD America lol. The nice one. The dreaming one. Hahaha I remember halfway through dinner I said something like 'Instead of nuking Iraq, they should've just bombed pancakes instead.' 'They'll all get obsesity' 'But obesity is like, silent killer yea?' xD xD
That said, PAAAAAAAAANCAKES<3
so fluffy
so maple-y
so DELICIOUS ;_____;
just thinking about it makes me want to cry in joy
Went home knackered. I was so tired from everything that I slept from 9pm all the way to the next day (and didn't even bother with a shower). Just tired y'know? Tired of stupid people. Tired of being underappreciated. Tired of being overworked. Tired of mindfuckers and twatasses. And then, I realize I don't really have anyone to talk to this about. Sis is busy watching TV and schoolwork, audy doesn't understand/doesn't want to understand and Jiawei would think I'm crazier than I already am. So what? Shut up and work, stupid :x
So I slept a grand total of 14 hours
and still woke up sleepy
Dragged 10kg worth of costumes up and down the bloody hill, and the only description I can think of is: clanky. Clanky clanky clank. Bloody armour. Now my arms feel vaguely sore carrying all that shit up. Measured a couple more people, promised a coat pattern by Monday (*woe* no chai latte that day then?) then Tuesday scanning, Wednesday/Thursday off-days then Friday pass photos to Anna/David (or maybe wednesday if I can make it)
I just feel burnt out :(
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:55 p.m.+
Micheal Turner has passed away; aged 37
D: D: D:
It just doesn't seem that long ago when I picked up my first comic book. I still remember going to serene centre every first thursday of each month to pick up a copy of Fathom ($7.50) and getting an acidfree back. I remember flicking through the Wizard Special where they showed his character sketches and one night, I painskatingly practiced over and over and over again the same figure: reclining hips, elongated neck and those those lips. Even now, I use his highlighting technique when I need to draw sexy lips. I remember that christmas that mom and I combined and got one of the 100 limited edition Fathom hardcover collections for Kor's present and how awesome it was. So totally, absolutely awesome
Truthfully, I prefer English comics to manga. I love the depth, the painterly realism techniques, the drama. To be heroic without powers, to fall so greatly that your name becomes forgotten and long aching stories of love and hubris and power and truth. Not dolls or pretty boys, but just.....just humanity. To be more than human.
Maybe it's because it's the only thing I really have in common with brother - a deep love of comics. I'm geeky enough that I can recite most of the Marvel universe and all the spinoffs. I have favourite authors/artists: Grant Morrison, Jeph Loeb, Joe Stracvinsky, Silversti, Joe Quesada, Brian Micheal Bendis etc. I remember the first Sandman book I bought; A Season In Fog. I think perhaps that's why I never totally sucummbed to the Japanese 'manga' style completely (even though I dearly love both kinds of comics) because I know there's more, so much much more in the universe than bland storylines about 16 year olds in fistfights and giant swords.
Anyway I don't really know much to say
Except..............
May he rest in peace, thanks be to God
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:51 p.m.+
......and I'm finally back properly!
so tired. i was so tired today i just crashed after i got home and tomorrow i have to wake up at some godforsaken hour again to meet at bridie's house for drafting. URGH. it makes me want to kill myself sometimes :x but so far so good, melbourne model musical is coming along nicely and i'm allowing myself a tiny bit of optimism for it. conditonally. there could still be potentially a lot of shit to happen. so cautiously allowing myself to think it'll be fine.
went to vca and saw the AWESOME AND AMAZING COSTUME DEPT. imagine. an ENTIRE warehouse (3stories high) filled with COSTUMES. everything from period costumes to rapiers to lighsabers and huge floofy pirate hats and leopard fuzzy mad hatters. SO. AWESOME. BLOODY. COOL. *_________* then dropped the stuff at my place, and went to rathdowne remeants to buy fabric and managed to get a really thick pleather-ish suede for the architectural costume (pattern i'm drafting for). best part? i found some absolutely gorgeous polyester chiffon (heh, feels exactly like my moitie dress) for $5.50 in dark cream, black velveteen ribbon and really good cotton broadcloth. why am I buying fabric you ask? because now i have BACKDROPS. PROPS. LAYERED COOLNESS. oooo~ when i saw the chiffon fabric i thought of the WOMB idea. oooo~ maybe i could try it for light moves
dropped everything off at home (again) then walked over to camera exchange to meet jiawei and get some gear. paid for johnboy's mirco lens and a cable release and ZOMG NIKON PARTY on friday (am invited xD) met some guy called maurice as well, who was really nice and cool
pide pide pide pide<333333
so awesome, must go there again
then safeway and back home
napped from 8pm to 10pm
and tmr i have to meet at 9am
meet natz at 1.30/2pm at melb. central
maybe go for orientation????
i should pass audy her stuff as well
oh, draw monies for rent
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:49 a.m.+
today
- rolled out
- meet sefie@melb. central
- sweet source; rathdowne village
- strawberry frangipane!!!!!<33333
- melbourne open house
- SUPER DISAPPOINTING!!!:(
- chapter house + the plaza
- hoya fliter broke
- RUSHED TO LONSDALE DX DX DX
- so freaked out. hyperventaliated
- got a hoya from Camera House (since xchange wasn't open)
- SHOPPINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
- Supre; got a black dress and top
- Episode; red pompom cardigan
- left Sefie; wait in Borders
- finish reading Godchild
- Nat&Audy!!!!!!
- Meshiya dinner
- tsunami cocktails
- Safeway + Laguna
- FUCKING KEEPS RAINING WTF WTF WTF
- wearing jeans tmr :(
- AP DOLLHOUSE OP IN GREYxBLACK!<3 *_*
tmr morning
- photoshoot at 9am with david K.
- photoshoot at 10am with lauren B.
- film scannage
- meeting with sean cubitt (m/c head academic) + rita (fac office, down corridor, 3 left)
- meeting with emma 2pm, castro's
- camera exchange for joey and johnboy
- FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!
- maybe Nova? Borders?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:45 a.m.+
excited like a boiling pit of excitement
my life is so full of asdfjkl1pjfdjhhd!!!!! lately wtf.
i swear it's the side-effect of too many Akame Comment Memes
That said, I haven't finished seagulls yet (fuck) or The Other One. Personally I think The Other One is more interesting (even if it lacks a title. again. as usual. wtf.)
um. so went to vanbar's dropped the film off and then headed down to sydney road and had really good lebanese dessert and falafel. v cool. next time i'm bringing heidi for a walk instead - she'll love that place! anyway it was pretty fun going out with mariam :D headed to borders then ying thai for dinner yayz~ sometimes i just feel really comfortable in this place now
there's a lot of shitty subjects this semester too. URGH. i hope everything gets solved on monday. *prays* please everything gets solved on monday please everything gets solved on monday please everything gets solved one monday........
audy coming tmr. is that cool for what? maybe i should sleep, so like i can actually be awake when she calls.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:43 a.m.+
the driving song is
wicked and wild; shattering
screaming youth with voices
OK
Woah I feel so much better after sleeping 10hrs. 10 hrs after so many days of half-sleeping is SO AWESOME and wonderful to watch the sky with bearbear and just roll without worrying about what to do. Went to Orygen to finish the last of the testing and then had dinner at Norisah's Kitchen and walked over to Borders. I learned my lesson though, too much meal-skipping and then suddenly eating a large dinner makes you feel very very sick. which was really sad because it was absolutely delicious but I just felt like puking halfway through
Finished reading Amadeus during dinner, thought about buying Equus as a gift then walked over to Borders and bumped in Mariam! I haven't seen her since the day I cooked paella and we bonded over Sara Lee cheesecake, seafood and linguistical analysis (yes, total geekfest when you have 3 lit students in a room. TOTAL GEEKERY) So. Anyway. Had pistachio and cinnimon/chocolate icecream at Crema and generally had a great time catching up and talking about comics and stuff; tomorrow we're going to Sydney Road together yay! :D
i like having time off
feels wonderful
Oh and the pattern worked! that's great isn't it? It's my first time patterning a corset and I'm so amazed it worked! woohoo~ hahaha hopefully they never find out uhhhh that I was just guessing :x looks like I was right though, that patterning is really a high-class origami LOL
other news: my hair is longer now! o.O I still want it longer still though hmmm. also: blue chiffon dress for alice coordinate???
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:16 a.m.+
for some reason I can't explain
the spectere and the throne beckoned; rejected
the mirror the soul the shield; descended
turning back
i could've ruled the world
no no no no no no no no no
I cannot do this
Don't like me. Don't like me! why can't you understand it? Don't like me. Don't look at me like that. Don't sing to me. Don't look at the camera and want to try - because you can't; you can't and I don't want to I don't want to and don't don't make me say it.
we should have never been locked up in the same room.
do you remember last year when she first introduced me to you? I was with Max then, and we were talking in the bar and you were talking about social law and I knew it. that you were a risk. that we had - whatever-. attraction. chemistry. but it was alright then because i would never see you again. so. it didn't hurt.
but now. now. we're working together and you know - you know i'm not just a dumb assistant lapdog. i'm not a shy demure 2nd year. and you showed me too. that you were more than camp and kitsch and toothpaste smiles. and that's it. we should have never known each other - not one bit. we should be strangers just walking by. we should never try to connect at all because it's all wrong. it's bad timing. it's wrong oppotunity and it's not the time or place for it and it gives too many Ifs and Whats that i never want to think about.
it should have been a junction
with green traffic lights
:(
-----------------------------
Less on that. More importantly - WTF IS WRONG WITH MY SUBJECT CODINGS?!?! D: First urgh; that entire fiasco in the morning with Pirate Guy then Looking for Sean Cubitt (who is in Tokyo wtf) and then the ZOMG!oversubscription for Light Moves which is absolutely terrifying and horrifying and fucking shit sometimes I hate myself. Now that Alloc8 is up I have a lecture clash as well as two unattainable subjects and is well and truly screwed.
SO. tomorrow. find Grant Cadwell (again) in John Medley (again) and ask wtf is up with Short Fiction being a piss-ass and unable to be Alloc8'ed. Then Alicia in Brunswick. Arhkjsdfdsfjf!!!
I'm just really panicky. I need to -not- panic. I need to believe everything will work out. That Sean Cubitt will give me the permission to continue Light Moves. That Short Fiction actually exists and isn't some weird-ass glitch (again). That my timetable will un-clash itself and YEA.
boo. life sucks.
-------------
Oh I went to watch Dark Knight (and finished reading the Monsters one) and it was really really good. Really good. I wish for a bit more complexity, but then again I always wish for something with more complexity/depth. Christian Bale looks really hot though hahahaha~ I guess my main gripe is that the plot felt a bit weak at certain points.
I know they were going for the whole duality thing, but then it seemed forced and rather stiff esp. the whole Joker-as-crazy thing. Yeah we know he's nuts, but his nuttiness is always driven by reason. Felt bad for Harvey Dent though, but I'm sure the turnround wasn't so quick - or at least that's how I remembered it from reading comics.
My favourite will always be Hush though - because it is so so *so* awesome (with the Long Halloween coming a close second) and yeah :x woohoo! I love comics
and I totally need a bath
and I totally need to stop meal-skipping
*woe*
now I really wish I had something more than strawberry crepe for dinner
ah well~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:34 a.m.+
I was just thinking about the Big Band's Visit and how I loved the unfinished concerto. The ending that isn't a big bang or what but it finishs like that - a room with peeling walls, a baby and yards and yards of loneliness. isn't that so true? so perfect? I was just thinking about it again, and how it'll sound like - sound like spinning glass and snowglobes and forgotten days remembered again and ........blackcurrants.
I have a weird craving for blackcurrant pastilles. Not just any type, but the soft fruitips version coated in sugar which is soft and gummy-like and doesn't stick to your teeth. I was just thinking of that taste today, and right now I can taste it to the back of my mouth; a faintest hint of sugar.
still thinking of how to finish writing seagulls. i have half a mind to leave it as a drabble because i love drabbles like so; at the same time i have another wonderful!spastic!idea! after listening to daimien rice for so long and it's like clickity-click until lickity-split and soon i'll run out of wordpuns D: both have a fucktonne of angst though. literally fuck+tonne+angst (that should give you an idea about how the fic ratings will be as well....) i am almost tempted to drop seagulls for the OMG!NEW!idea though. almost. depends if i get sick of looping songs or not
a bit worried about tomorrow.........
*crosses fingers* please hope everything is calculated properly!
and that it finishes in time!
listening to the pixies song; the photoshoot today went well despite the scary!unhappy!weather. i wish the sky was bluer, but that's what photoshop is for isn't it? OH and for the first time i had to get one of those bloody photography permits. it was pretty fun! then had a strawberry crepe as a tsu-reward. I love strawberry crepe<333 isn't it strange that singapore DOESN'T have strawberry crepes? in aust i can find the big-ass strawberry crepes like they have in japan/china but i can't find it in SG. it's sooooo odd. i love strawberry crepe though~ :D
feeling vaguely fruit-y. wants moar strawberry crepe
um. so. photoshoot AGAIN tomorrow and then psychometeric testing thing. then maybe get another strawberry crepe. ooooo~ addiction?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:04 a.m.+
why haven't I been blogging? It's not like I don't want to - I just got online and then bam! totally forgot. but it's important to remember and rewrite; because I don't want to forget anything.
So. Today. what was it like? it was sunny and fine. I slept through till 1pm and skipped photography (after all, I had scanned everything on Friday) I think socializing is really draining for me :/ oh dear, how can I do PR without socializing? but it really is draining. Maybe I can limit it to 3 times a week because right now I'm like a hospital service - 24/7 on call. I like being busy but I don't like it as well. it makes me restless that i don't like staying at home, but at the same time being in a crowd makes me tired
sometimes i think it's because i like being busy because it gives me an illusion that i'm popular and wanted by someone. that someone needs me. that someone remembers me long enough to call. i can't seem to offer anything else except what i can do - so maybe if i became useful people would want/need me more...........maybe? idk. because i think deep down i don't really like it. somehow. i enjoy it with a kind of professional pride that i can work through any situation and deliver; but i don't do it out of any genunine love for them.
but whatever. work is work.
so i went to run some errands, then meetup with emma to pass the items. met a professional fairy who is also a weird astrology junkie. can you imagine saying: hello, i'm a professional fairy? anyway she writes with little sparkles *_* and the first thing she asked was: 'lemme guess....you're a saggitarius? or aquarius?' :D and it was just really odd. i don't know why but i really liked her hahaha maybe because she really was a fairy
then we went to do the measurements and ran into max. ok. not too bad. thankfully not uncomfortable. got my cash and went to Nova to watch a movie
THE BAND'S VISIT IS AMAZING PLZ GO WATCH
it's a bit like MAPC, that russian flick but with more music and less colour. a lot more sand. after watching it i felt like i was still floating and kept thinking about seagulls so when i got home i went to write another bit and another bit. I loved the movie. I really want the OST for it. Must remember to find it
but I'm really glad I went to watch the movie on my own. I needed that. that kind of downtime to relax and not-think about anything in particular except what was happening on screen. i think maybe sometimes i think too much; too often and then it just gets everywhere and all at once. like this week has been a mess of internal arguements and frustration especially about the play, photography, audy-coming-to-melbourne consequences and worrying.
ah well. deal with it when it comes?
(maybe, but i'll still think about it)
sigh. ok. tmr. photoshoot at 12noon. finish patterning. meet emma at 5.30. finish the last of the psychology tests. go vanbar(?)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:19 a.m.+
I'm beginning to feel like a mule.
Communist donkey? Total ass?
I really think I should work less, put less pressure blah blah blah but so far it isn't happening. I'm like a freakin' workaholic and these are my holidays. Usually holidays are nice and calming but so far I've been averaging 4-6hrs a night and going to uni 3-4 times a week DDDD: I keep wondering if this is a sign of the future, that once I graduate I'll turn into a full-time workaholic (if I'm already not one). So far I've agreed to:
- make drafts/props ($20 bucks apiece)
- take mugshots for Business Coperate website ($15/image)
- psychometric testing ($30/day)
- costume ast. in Melbourne Musical
- photoshoot with Natasha (Tuesday, work for free)
- photoshoot with Marie-Claire (not-set, East Richmond)
- plus the rest of Tokyo Dreaming stuff
And somehow I'm going to squeeze a colour management course somewhere.....and a talk with the student advisor (PLZ PLZ PLZ LET ME IN 3RD YEAR!!111oneone ;-;) buy up my sexy MicroNikkor AF and do the City in Dark competition. I'm both vaguely excited and vaguely sure that this is suicidal.
I keep asking myself if this is what I want as a future. 20hrs a day, meeting after meeting, complusory after-work socializing....it's really taxing and not very glamourous LOL it's not like on TV when you just swan in and everything magically falls into place. In truth, photography and design (the large part of it) is tiresome, tedious and exacting. Photography requires ONE person to do it because you're managing the workspace, colour profile and 'flow'. Then in costume design/props - you need to sketch a draft construct, MAKE that actual draft (to see if it works), check it with the director then start on the final piece
but despite everything....
what makes me work so hard
work so much much more
is that in my mind I can see dad's stupid, smirking expression that says: "you can't succeed without me" and then I just DON'T CARE and want to just finish it. just do it. because i can damnit. and i want it so much at any cost that it doesn't matter how little i sleep or eat or whatever because RAAWWRRRR YOUR FACE PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH
yeah well :x
guess it's time to get back to work?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+
tired so i'm just going to list:
-woke up to go do the research tests
-brought johnboy
-did so many psychometric tests
-haveta come back
-dinner at norsiah's kitchen
-read lots of comics at borders
-gentleman's alliance?
-chobits
-legend of chun hyung
-count cain
-sin city
-had almond filo pastry
-went home
-started my kt dls :D
-now v. tired and waiting for them to be done
-want to invent emojispeak
-86% and crawling
-want to curl up with bearbear
-intensely shitty weather
-intensely shitty weather is damned intense
-akame seagulls
-city in the dark competition
-needz moar scannage
-SCANNAGE
-urgh i want a strawberry crepe tmr plz
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:24 a.m.+
+tsu waited for you at +
OMG I GOT A H2A AVERAGE AND A PASS FOR FRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+tsu waited for you at 11:12 a.m.+
bye bye baby
don't be feel alone
you'll still see me
in those dreams
you just don't know
how much you mean to me
I must on some Massu kick or something because right now I havd both Akatsuki and Pumpkin looping with T-REX. I slept for 12 hours yesterday, and I'm still tired. Then again, I went out again today (when I should be resting, meh.)
Went to Vanbar's to check on my clippings, then decided to check out Ziz's info that left of South Yarra was full of shiny and gold *_* I was quite tempted to go Camberwell as well, but mehhhhh the Lilydale line takes so long to come :(
South Yarra is fun! I didn't get to go everywhere I wanted, but it was still a great walkabout. I tried this lovely chocolate praline (pra/lin/nee?) called Figaro which has shredded nuts and cherries mashed into a paste wrapped in dark chocolate. Very good. Then strolled further down and took lots of photos of churches, random shops, bits of interesting buildings......once I hit Prahan Market I turned and walked back since it looked like it was going to rain. Went to Soda Rock(?) this really retro cafe with the MOST AMAZING MILKSHAKES EVER. *AMAZING*<3 most cafes just give you a glass, but there they give you a glass and ALL THE EXTRA from the blender. Damnit, it was totally awesome. And their burgers! I wish I was hungerier, I would've ordered an apple pie just to finish the entire meal off. VERY GOOD. WILL BE BACK :D
Then I went to the Right of South Yarra (as opposed to Left. why it makes a difference I have no idea but it does so....) And while at the Left I found a really beautiful church (Christchurch?) and bought a present. Actually I have no idea whether I want to give it away because it's so pretty on the other hand I have absolutely no use for it since I already own a Pixar :/ but it's so pretty!!111oneone Maybe I'll just errr 'loan' it. LOL. It's so beautiful though, ahhhhh I feel like keeping it but ahhh I shouldn't khfdshfjfhjfsjk indescive :(
Lugged the damn thing back home, and felt very awkward. It's so bloody big and clumsy damnit -_-;;;;; then stopped by Vanbar to check on my film and all the portraits came out nicely but....AHHH I KNEW I SHOULD'VE PUSHED THE 1ST ROLL WHY DID I LISTEN TO HER?!?! I know my ISO was 640 but it was processed at 100 and AHHH I SHOULD'VE AT LEAST PUSHED IT BY ONE STOP AHHHH so stupid. Argh. I can always do a scanner-push thank god for minolta scanners :/
Went home and crashed. It's so cold! Apparently it's already snowing in Falls Creek and yesterday was the coldest day in the year since July 17th last year. I believe it, considering it's drizzling so much....I'm betting it'll get even colder though since it hasn't hailed yet. (whoa I sound like a weather junkie)
gonna microwave some dinner now....isn't microwaving the best??? I'm so tempted to go camberwell tmr to da-bao more pasta from sofia's. After all, I can eat it over the next few days...hmmmm might be a good idea. Tomorrow: Royal Park, then camberwell? Or maybe I should go somewhere new hmmm
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:40 p.m.+
THIS is why you should never upload files of over 20MB in large size with a quality over 8.
and that's why ALL my photos will remain 600x500 unless otherwise stated. Seriously, Flickr is an internet site - it's a great site, but nonetheless it doesn't give you the kind of protection a proper image house would give. There's absolutely no reason to believe that Flickr (as a company) would not want to take advantage of the huge database that they have. So don't upload your best; upload a thumbnail and THEN offer a contactable email address for interested parties.
basic common sense ok?
+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+
sleepy.
I've been sleepy the entire day.
I slept around 5 hours. I woke up to a cold, rainy and drizzling Tuesday. Morose weather. It was painfully cold. I was shivering. It's a good thing I packed the night before because I wouldn't have had the sense to pack everything in the morning. I almost forgot my housekeys can you imagine?
Then Cherie didn't come. Then I waited, and almost panicked. Then I got the door opened. Then I waited. Then I waited more. Then some guy (Lindsey?) came with some guy (Nathan?) with a brief but futile pissing contest. Whatever. Then afterwards........
I shot close to 80 photos today
LIKE OMG ONE ENTIRE DAY
just bang!photo bang!photo and kept snapping and snapping and actually gave directions. Like, 'chin up, look left.' that kinda thing. IT WAS AWESOME. I FELT SO PRO. (except of course, I'm not yet) It was really stressful though.... I could feel the stress of being constantly in charge of this mad-circus of costume changes, expressions and body language. Then I had to make sure that everyone signed their model releases too. Everything went well, except I forgot to tag ISO labels on my canisters so now I've lost a frame for each of the rolls :( ah well, at least it's over
Went home, bought some juice and didn't really feel hungry afterwards. I just want to sit and stone and sleep. Watched the last few eps of Denno Coil, then read Tokyo Babylon again. I'm really tired o.o;;;
tomorrow: go Vanbar's pickup clippings. South Yarra photos and finish the film. Check for school fees. Email dad. Call Natz and ask what time tmr.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:09 p.m.+
vicious; sid vicious
black teeth and white hair
take your gun and point it
to the window
to you; to me
and the see face that made you
more than man
more than human
demon figure and human eyes
make a run for it
dreaming, dream, dreamtime. this is where it starts doesn't it? the dreamtime. I listen to you and all of those voices, letting it wash away under the solace of the city sounds. Upon what, that calls - we are just like you. A lone voice calls in a nameless language over the singing sorrowed chorus, be wary of hubris it calls and in calling; like the voice of the sad ancient bard that has lived too long. card 00. the fool walks on the periciepe with an alice trump in hand, a test of cards-
jump down
and in death;
brings forth the magician
sleeplessly, I woke up at 8am. I went to piss, then went back to bed. Sometimes I don't sleep, I just shut my eyes and say //it's time to sleep, body. let me sleep//. so i woke up at 1pm instead, not counting the lost hours of 6-8pm. to sit in the dark with the unfurling sunbeams poking through the curtains and the breaking of chirps. repose. I woke up better than I slept, then grabbed my keys and wore jeans and walked out.
Sometimes it's nice like that - to walk out like an unknown untraceable prescence. Just another teenage girl in a sweater and jeans and oversized jacket that's barely worth a glance, barely worth another look. I like it sometimes, to be perfectly blended and sliding through just like sometimes I like to be in lolita. But today, today I don't want to be that me so I wore jeans instead. I went to the library to print out model releases and then to borders to read (for free. again.)
Read some photography techniques to cheer up, then read through the whole of Kaori Yuki's Godchild which is awesome and all. It's like sherlock holmes with more gore<3<3<3 the read a bit of Everything is Illuminated which is WONDERFUL AND I WILL BUY THE BOOK ONCE MY CHEQUE CLEARS YESSSS *_* I will read it at night and feel happy about the funny word tenses and everything because it is just like so
anyway tomorrow will be busy and *crossfingers* hopefully everything will turn out fine.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:07 p.m.+
urgh so tired.
dragged myself out of bed this morning, literally
Yesterday was really fun but when I came home I was pretty close to crashing. I just made dinner and went online long enough to update poupee for others then proceeded to sleep. I mean I had fun and everything (even if digiboy was a bit too hardcore....) and I'll be glad to comment on everyone's photostream, slowly :x I care, but I can't care too much y'know? It's dangerous like that. It's like when I was younger and mom told me not to care so much about other people's feelings and be so sensitive because I just wind up mixing up myself with others too much; no matter what. So be less sympathetic. Yeah. If only :x
Neko's birthday today and whoa, we actually caught the train on time! It was really fun meeting and talking to everyone and I stuffed myself silly in Sofia's. God, I love Sofia's<3 kinda sad I missed out on the creme caramel but the birthday cake was FABULOUS with ferra rocher and zomg! garlic pizza! and and and PRAWNS!<3 god I love spaghetti marinara. It was pretty wonderful and there was just so much conversation and fun and friends and really really great
Went to Uni later and met up with the theatre people which was okay. The play is really good though, Freg is really a genius at scriptwriting. Went to Clyde's for drinks and general conversation and it was pretty fun and all~ I think I'm really going to enjoy working with them :D
tomorrow I'm going to have a break - I need to photocopy model releases but after that I'm basically free. Might watch a movie though, depending what's on Nova. Big Band sounds quite interesting or Happy Go Lucky, if I feel like something light and fluffy. Or I could go and read, that would be awesome too. I just want some tsu-time now, becase my brain is tired from working and my cheeks are tired from smiling so much :/ I just want to do a bit of sulking and quiet and wake up late now and stop being so bloody social because it drains my energy.
I better run an email down to Cherie about Tuesday though, just in case she does a major freakout at the amount of people turning up.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:03 p.m.+
melbourne flickr meet today and it was really fun! I met so many people lol - I really shouldn't have worried, 'cause people like me(???) Most of them were really nice, at least before they got drunk and then christopher started hitting on me -_-;;;;;;; A lot of film people too, surprisingly. I didn't really get a chance to talk to the enlarger guy (velco?) but he makes his own sulphur/selenium prints and was totally awesome
then there were girls too; benardin who's from brazil; jacquelin who's 19 and working and then a few other people as well. Hung around Evardo and Matt Lew who has like tons of cameras and he can freakin' open his own camera rental shop. Looked at the MEME exhibit then moved to The Workshop which is this really nice bar along Elizabeth. Didn't feel like drinking so I had a coffee and hot chocolate, but still got carded LOL anyway tomorrow I have to meet Natz to go camberwell to meet neko, plus it's saturday so I don't feel like drinking :/
tired-ish....I really want a bath and sleep. Need to wrap present first though urghhh I hope gaffer tape is okay. All in all, I had a wonderful day meeting everyone!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:09 p.m.+
i feel vaguely anxious like the way i was when i was younger and my heart can't stop beating properly. i feel vaguely scared sometimes whenever i have to do something i think is important - in this case, swapping the internet connection. i think maybe because i'm naturally nervous-type; i look for monsters hidden in shadows and voices speaking in the wind and when i run run run home i think of how close and how far and i always get worried that i'm making the wrong decision.
i don't understand how changing an internet plan is making me so nervous though. for god's sake it's so everyday!
but for me, it doesn't seem ordinary. i get nervous because it's one of the few ways i can connect back home. i get nervous because for the past few days my phone has been off. i get nervous because my bank account is dwindling (helloooooo dad for being late. again.) no, what makes me truly nervous is being cut off from everything in the world.
so for some reason my palms are sweaty and after 1000000++++ akame fics later i'm still edgy and anxious about tomorrow. i tell myself to keep calm but i can't i can't i can't. i worry about the future because it's my nature to worry, i want to sleep but i can't sleep for worrying and mostly i wonder why i'm worried over something as mundane as resetting an internet connection.
twelve ten sixteen twenty
i count numbers in my head
and watch android sheep jump over
electric fences
mostly i dislike being left like that, this state of unknown. i deal with things like this very badly. i hate not knowing the outcome of anything because usually my intuition can solve it. in the case i don't know if paying 75bucks/month will ensure a smooth internet connection or not and if it doesn't - i'm fucking screwed. i think it will and all probabilities point it so but the what ifs bother me more than anything else. i worry and worry and honestly worrying doesn't solve anything but at least it gives me something to think through.
distract distract distract....
distraction is always good
usually i just read, because reading is easy to fall into and concentrate upon. reading is like water to me, and reading doesn't take much GB. so if i read online instead of loading sites with lots of jpg i am saving bandwidth right? i'm so fucking scared of a bandwidth breakdown now it's funny. maybe it's like a new kind of phobia. oh dear, what does it mean for me?
i need a bath but i am scared it will DNS error on me when i shower. oh my gods. these are like the symptoms of a panic attack what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. maybe i need to walk out and convince myself this is irrational. yeah. fucking hell. fucking australia. fucking phobia.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:14 a.m.+
Urgh my house internet is down AGAIN! and this time it isn't Optus's fault, but because my shitty housemate has exceeded the bandwidth every fucking day so I have to go uni every fucking day even when it's raining and can you fucking hear how much I fucking want to kill her???!!!!!!!!????!!!! >:( PISSED OFF.
Monday
I went to watch Sex and the City by myself ($6 bucks, yay!) and honestly.....meh. I just watched it for the Vivienne Westwood designs and clothes. I don't particularly follow the series or subscribe to its feel-good philosophy. I'm enough of a cynic to wonder how these people can manage lifestyles that don't actually work at all - to wake up in the morning with perfect hair and makeup and no bad breath and walk around with flowers the size of australia under your armpit......whut? I enjoyed it the way I enjoy eating popcorn ie. - tasteless, with no nutritional value but somewhat munchable.
my favourite outfit is that wonderful vintage dress she wore at the opening though, that was seriously cute<3 I'm not really fond on maxi dresses because it makes me look like a dumpling :0 PLZ PEOPLE DON'T LET IT COME BACK TO FASHION. The yellow suit was very cute too~
Went online and finished the akame fic. I'm so glad I actually finished something considering I haven't written much lately (unless you count essay shite D:) By the time I finished it was 3am and I was walking home and fuck, it was so bloody cold and I haven't even had dinner yet :( but ah well. Skipped my interview though and wtf let Jiawei read it. The most Ohmygods!!!! part came when I started describing how to write p0rn..........ZOMG!TRAUMA!!!!
yeah okay, life is just full of whut sometimes.
Tuesday
lazed in bed.
picked up film.
bought a storybook (OMGZ NOW I HAVE THE FULL BLOOD TRILOGY!!11)
cleared the trash.
interwebz was down AGAIN.
fuck I'm really going to slaughter my housemate. Her friend already volunteered to DL all her shite since the said friend has unlimited bandwidth - but that bloody bitch insists all the time and fucking lies that she isn't downloading thus exceeding the 20GB limit during the day so I can't access it at night (40GB). HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT BITCH!!!! >:( very pissed off. At this rate I'm just not going to pay for my internet fee, since I'm not using it at all. Worse still is that dad/gu jie hasn't sent my school fees/allowance so I'm biding my time and being good. It's a good thing I don't snack/eat much, considering how everything goes.
gah i want to go sydney and eat sashimi
Wednesday
Rained.
WTF.
RAINED.
On the day of lolita meetup. But since I promised to go I reluctantly got out of my warm, cozy bed and got dressed. Thankfully it isn't really much work for me since I don't wear make up or curl my hair. Argh, am I lazy or what? I couldn't even be arsed to find the right pair of socks so I just threw on the MILK ones (was going to wear the AP ones)
Met them all at Flinder's station, then went to Ghin Kao for lunch. After lunch went to Laurent. Talked mainly to Magadelen and Snikity then took photos at Block Arcade and headed off to the Kimono exhibition. Talked to Natasha, told her not to be dumb but idk idk. sometimes you just haveta let it be y'know? it's the only way to learn. shikata nai *le shrug* I did my best anyway, so yeah
now I have like 10000000+++++ photos to resize and upload argh. And my phone is out of battery AND unable to connect to a network AND I need to go call up 3 and ask wtf where's my bill for handphone? I have a feeling they're still sending it to my Lygon address argh
Friday with Natz, Saturday with Melbourne flickr group then 8th June photoshoot + scanning, 13th June with Sefie....hmmm did I miss anyone out? I hope not. I'm happy to be busy though, while having a break. It's time to like....rest up, do more stuff I like and get ready for hellhole year 2. I want to go Glen Waverly as well, and I promised Jiawei I'll go to the NGV art deco exhibiton with her too. Then there's Manifest and like Magdalen, Natasha and I are going as akiba lolitas! :D :D :D should be quite fun I think~ and yeah, need to do colour management course and sign up for a driving licence next year (when I turn 21) hopefully all goes well then.
ahhhhhhh it's cold now! I'm going back home
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:07 p.m.+
ahhhh I'm out of green tea icecream!!!! *woe* I can't live without greentea icecream, even in winter I'll eat it. The thing is that I only like SOME types of green tea iceceam and I'm quite picky. I only like it when it's creamy and mildly bitter, refreshing rather than heavy. I like it mainly by Korean brands, because they make it milky-bitter as opposed to dishwash-soap bitter. Argh I hope they have my brand in stock, if not I'll be very sad :( I like it best on sticks, so I can eat and ficwrite at the same time.
Right now I'm snacking on mandarin oranges. Not exactly green tea, but I like mandarin oranges. I am vaguely desirious for a strawberry shortcake crepe too
Anyway I finally found a place that sells sausage rolls - Breadtop! (aka. australia ver. of breadtalk) It's overpriced and everything BUT it tastes very singaporean so I'm not complaining. Going inside makes me miss otah bread though, bqq'ed and mircowaved. Sometimes I really miss food at home, especially the warming stuff. There are days I crave steam promfet with ginger and dried mushrooms, or chicken stew with black fungus and lily stems and I know I won't be able to find it here. Mostly right now I crave a green tea milkshake, from the teppanyaki place at Russell/Bourke street but I'm too lazy to go down on my own.
I think food plays a scarily large role in my life Dx
It's not that I snack a lot though, I don't really indulge in comfort eating (surprise surprise) I thought I would, but my fridge is devoid of snacks. I have ham, bok choy, milk, orange juice, mandarin oranges, beef and eggs. That's IT. I thought I'll be stuffing my fridge full of chocolate........but surprisingly I don't do it. Wonder why, considering most of my family indulge in some kind of comfort eating. Then again, I go for retail theraphy on Y!J which is just as bad.
fic is going nowhereeeeeeeeee
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I promised i'll finish it BEFORE! the end of june
so I MUST FINISH IT NAO >:(
---------------
does anyone else realize how the lyrics of The Scientist is so heartbreakingly sad? I think my favourite line is questions of science, science and progress because that's really what it is isn't it? questions.
feeling weirdly restless again.
i'm restless AND tired, what a combination
sometimes....sometimes i just put on a lolita dress even when i'm not going out, i'll just put it on in my room and turn the music really really high up and lock the door and dance - to myself, for myself. dance to something in my head and twirl into steps only i know. not dancing music. just music i like. anything. just days when i'm not really awake or asleep and i feel too restless - i'll put on a twirling dress, and dance in quiet safety of my room
to feel a feather
weighted on the body
softly in rememberance
an old dance; offered
to unseen audiences
and the feet
incessent
on modern carpetry
to a rhythm older than the moon
i feel drunk. i didn't drink. just warm ad hot and strangely heated. like too much honey fumes in my head, drowsy and sick sweet. oh what now, oh what now did i do, posession is nine tenths of law. to feel like someone else. to feel some complusion, and then nothing - nothing else.
i put my hands on my face and watch it reform
sometimes i'm scared of what i am, like now. what did i just do. why did i do it. i know it was right because i don't feel so restless now, but my cheeks are flushed and i'm still wearing a dress in the middle of the night and my headache is gone but i can still feel the ghost sensation of when i put my hands on my face and closed my eyes; driving blind.
and when i look in the mirror with those hazed hazed eyes
i just
don't know
it's times like this i wonder if i'm accidentally a satanic worshipper, wearing a moitie dress and dancing to bloc party. it's like a modern seance or something. fin de scele.i need to feel like tsu again, wear my cjc shirt and crappy shorts and not think of those kind of things
it's not the same - being scared of hallucinations
it's not the same as being scared of yourself.
i worry sometimes, why i'm so prone to these type of things. why things happen (and i shrug it off as things, world-things) and why do i do these things as well. i don't know what kind of complusion for it, since i have no clue. i just know i needed to do it as much as i needed to breathe.
ahhhh too tiresome to talk
at least i'm not having blackouts yet
hopefully
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:27 p.m.+
i miss sausage rolls :(
why doesn't aust have sasauge rolls?!?!?
gah.
needs food.
je faim.
needs food NOW >:(
+tsu waited for you at 05:22 p.m.+
take your hands off slowly
be right back
oh, what happens
when the flame comes alight with fumes
and the distant fogbell chimes softly
//handsaway//handsaway//handsaway//
taking it softly
slowly
oh, what happens
to us all
i'm in some weird funk and i turned down the job today. i'm in that kind of weird funk where i just like to lie around blankly and eat frosties for breakfast lunch and dinner and curl up with something soft; as though touching anything else would be painful. it's like being wrapped up in layers, until you don't know where you start or where you end or what is what and the thing is part of you - till you wake up and let it go
i have another interview next tuesday anyway, and i'm not too bothered. i spent part of my day writing an akame fic, the rest of it online and being mindless and talking to jiawei about photography - after that, vaccumed the floor and looked for places. i'll go take a walk tomorrow. take some time off, go off to glen waverly and chase electric lines that stretch to infinity. infinity is good. infinity is cold. infinity is so so blue.
no one ever said it was easy
i feel cold. not cold in body, but cold like a hibernating soulessness, a derelict wasteland with no dancing gypsies or swaying poppies; just a cold dark winter locked with a cruel wind and that endlessly darker-than-dark sky. it's a type of waiting that i'm used to, a kind of waiting that i like and yet dislike, and yet over and over again i know when the fog rolls.
i called mom yesterday - isn't it funny? she told me to keep the money. (so did jiawei. so did kor.) i guess since it's 3, it makes me a perfect idiot. a well-principled idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. i think i need to learn to trust people less, help people less and stop feeling so bloody cheated all the time. it makes me fretful, all these things. i don't like it. i didn't like what happened on friday either, but what i can do? fretting gives no use, except maybe white hairs.
i admit, sometimes i don't want to talk to audy because she says needless things and makes me feel worse not better. like the last time she implied that and now.......heh, actually that's no exception. sometimes i just don't want to talk to anyone. no, that's not true either. sometimes i don't want to talk to someone i know, sometimes i want the safety of talking to a stranger who doesn't know or care about me and we can just make every day conversation without stepping around minefields of words.
waiting for the
6.20; at tramlines
in july
a rush of wind, the vaccum
close your eyes and think of
summer blackberries
let's try to walk this
weekend
i think of fishbowls - no, bowl fishes. upside down inside out universes, pocket worlds and the face that i hold in my hand (cupped, chin up darling the world isn't ending yet) is not someone i meet in the mirror but mornings and nights. a cyan trap. traplight of glitter and discoballs and fairydust, standing stock-still looking up as it spins slowly and effortlessly - fascinating trap of cyanlight.
discman discmen
i thought of something funny - that the kind of guy that listens to KAT-TUN would probably go clubbing and play with lots of girls, very playboy type. a lot of their music sounds like a mix of ballads and hiphop/pop grind. like the type of guy who'll buy you a beer and fuck you in a cheap motel (doesn't have enough class for a hotel) and drive a flashy sportscar and gell his hair up. very beng. unreal LOL
tell me life is beautiful
i need to stop my frosties addiction. it's like i eat 3 bowls of frosties a day, ze horror. wonder if they're spiking the frosties with 'another' type of sugar. heh, sugar; sweetiepie honeybun fruitpuff cupcakedarling. blood in my crackstream, or was it the other way round?
i should get drunk tonight. or something. maybe.
i feel like it. i feel like many things and not.
i feel like i should say something, but something else spits out.
acidspit y'know
mostly i just think of stoning frosties and milk.
and that's all, really.
don't look forward
don't look back
it's time to eat more glass
Serre moi encore serre moi
jusqu'a etouffer de toi
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:42 p.m.+
so good
right on
a shell. a curve of a shell, a pink tinged arch ringed inwards in gentle swells. shell. put your hand up your ear, fingers curled protectively and listen; listen. stand at the edge of the moutain. stop in the street junction. close your eyes and listen.
so says the stoning frosties
it's over and over now - finally, thank god. good riddence, slam the taxi door, goodbye.
and then i went back
walked; returning the hasselbald
hello goodbye i was glad to hold you
and that was that
the end
i feel so tired and drained, emotionally. beat up pancake girl-like, falling into bed, falling into flatness and poof! where's my koko krunch? that kinda thing. i just want to fall into a dreamless sleep - something that doesn't involve waking in the middle of the night, looking at the side and dear god! it's 4am! why why why so says the glowing numbers and all i do is hug bearbear and try to sleep
i wondered, yesterday. i really wondered. i wondered if i was overthinking too much, and that maybe i was reading into things and maybe he really was trying to show concern for his daughter...............then i realized it didn't make any difference. even if mom bought it for me, i wouldn't have accepted it. i wouldn't have accepted it because some things in the world must be earned not given. because in giving, it cheapens the value of it. if i was so into instant gratification, then why do i use film? no. this wasn't the right way. things have to be earned. things have to have meaning bestowed upon them. to have meaning, there must be a sacrifice.
i am feeling damned depressed actually
maybe i should wear loli tmr
feeling pretty always helps
urgh i'm just going to sleep soon and hopefully waking up to a better tomorrow. anyhow i have a whole stack of books to read (bought them back a while ago)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:27 p.m.+
