Down and hard

----------------------
Prisoner of you Words and music by tsubaki
---------------------------

Put your body where your mind is
It's only the music
Face up to the music
Built up the pressure, press it down hard
Put your body where your mind is
Don't let it get to you
Face up to the music
Cracked up under pressure
Drown................
Cause I ain't your gaurdian angel girlie
FACE UP
don't break under pressure
FACE UP
everyone is watching you
FACE UP
careful not to burn your finger
FACE UP.
It's all in the mind.....
Breathe in scream out
No one will hear you anyway
Grab your chair and smash your heart out
But the beat of drums will never leave you
Shock them knock them with your makeup
crossdressing ain't no garuntee to fame
Live it eat it drink it sweat it
maybe you'll make it big someday
SCREAM COS NO ONE CAN HEARS YOU CRY
Move your body to your mind
SCREAM COS NO ONE FEELS YOUR PAIN
Move your body to the music
SCREAM COS YOU CAN'T LET IT OUT
Move your body to your mind
SCREAM COS YOU LIVE WITH IT
Move your body with the music
Sit down rest up
take a break while you're still alive
Blank space empty eyes
suck your soul suck your mind
Feel the beat
singing it's posion taint on your heartbeat
Live with it
Make your life a legend Sleep with it
Make it your mistress till you die
Can't stop thinking about it
That's all that's left of you
Die........................
music will never set you free
will never set you free
set you free
set you
free

Dunno where to fit this in

-----------------------------------------------------

I feel sick. Or at least I think I feel sick.

Bled an awful lot today.

It's so interesting to see how blood actually -bubbles- y'know, then it drips like one big clump of red grapes into the toilet bowl. Fascinating, once you get over the gross factor. I mean, it soaked up the paper and I swear, it turned and dropped in. Anyways, if you're like me, blood isn't icky. *I bleed an awful awful lot* Last time, I had to use a bucket to throw away all the tissue paper I used up.

sick sick sick sick sick
Someone hear me scream voicelessly into the night

I'm just tired and restless I guess. I can feel all the energy, the pounding, looking for a way out. Damnit. It's like magic when it goes out, but when I keep it inside, it's just like trying to .....I dunno. It's like trying to hold a storm, that is gonna build and boil over and I'm going to scream and scream and no one can hear me cos I'm dying inside.

This sucks.

I need a way out.

Or next thing you know, I'll end up in a mental hospital trying to feed myself from a wheelchair in a straitjacket.

Insanity here I come.

tsu

[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:32 p.m.]

Butterflies and queer feelings

Listening: Cage-Dir en Grey (Yoshiki, you really REALLY can pick'em) and X Japan - White Poem I (someone send me II~!)

I've got that funky sinking feeling in my stomach again. Yesterday was queer enough, today is even worse. Woke up and dreamt funny dreams again. I mean, I don't wander about shopping centres in brocade dresses.........And why in the world was my Chinese teacher, Toraneko, Rosemary and Mrs Pat Ho Tan doing in the same dream? Someone explain to me what in the world does "Thangling" mean? *looks thoughtful* It's a *green* word, that's all I can say.

Heck, I'm not even making much sense to myself. Why do I have to look for the shop in the first place? Why can't I stay with them?

Went for Literature class and Ms Teo taught us. Felt bored but didn't say anything and took my own notes instead. Went looking about for Tora but she wasn't around so Auddy and I went for breakfast alone. The prata tastes like rubberbands >.< Talked rubbish and bought a book on sex and scandals cos I'm bored.

Personally, I think I'm sick.

Why do I write such things? Is it a reflect of who I am? I don't want to be evil, I hate pain and have no sadistic enjoyment of inflicting it on others. To tell the truth, writing is an absolutely pleasureless exercise that I do just to get rid of nightmares. I prefer drawing or reading, writing, no matter what people say about it or whatever, is not fun for me. I write because I have to, or I will go crazy with horror. I write not because I love it, but it is a way of keeping my sanity. I write because I am forced to, because I have no choice, because it gets rid of dreams and the ONLY way I can keep sane.

I'm sorry if I disappointed the ideal that writers love to write and it is passion, not digust that drives them.

---------RANDOM-----------------------------------------

White Black Grey - Shades

Smiling and humming to himself, he walked home. In his mind's eye, he could see his papa and mama, happy holding hands with each other. His young sister Elizabeth, lisping and talking to her baby dolls. And most of all, Mr Alex. His tutor.

It was Mr Alex who taught him about love and pain. Who beat him during classes for his own good. Whose warm rich voice, like velvet, taught him all knowledge in the world. He remembered Mr Alex telling him that punsishment was good, because punishment was a way of atoning for his mistakes. Yes, Mr Alex was always right. Every blow, every whipping had hurt Mr Alex, but Mr Alex did it for his own good.

Mr Alex was what he wanted to be. He knew that the adults were always right.

Tell me why
Tell me why
The wind is so cold.

Chuckling, he opened the door. He loved his home. Wonderfully big, white painted walls, covered with pictures of him and Elizabeth. Elizabeth in her pastel frocks, gold ringlets and blue eyes. Him, in his blue sailor suit, dark hair and dark eyes, laughing merrily into the picture. Yes, his parents had loved them so. Smiling, he walked upstairs to their room. They would be first, after all, did they not raise and birth him?

They were sleeping. With a look of pleasure on his face, he took a pillow, gently tying it to their faces. Yes, they would go to heaven first. He could feel them fighting to live, fighting death. Sighing, he sat next to them, watching their bodies jerk helplessly, hands tied behind their back, trying to break free their bonds. Wasn't it so silly of them? He brushed strands of hair from his mother's face. Just as she did when he was young. He looked comfortingly at her wild frightened eyes, crooning a soft lullaby to them.

Was it not them who taught him that pain was the greatest gift from God?

He remembered all his lessons. How they would whip him till his body collasped from the lack of blood. Waking in a bare cell. His mother had said that pain was good because he was a bad boy. His father punished him because he was a bad boy. Now it was his turn to be a good son and bring them to heaven. Pain was good.

Smiling, he left his sleeping parents, now cold and no longer jerking. Of course they were proud of him, that's why they didn't move anymore.

Elizabeth was studying with Mr Alex today. He could hear the screams of pain from the study room. He tsked sliently to himself. Oh Elizabeth, Elizabeth, did she not know that it was good for her? Beacause Mr Alex was cleansing her soul for her? Nevermind, he would help her to heaven too.

Make things right.
In this white world

Opening the door slightly, he peeked in. Mr Alex was crouching over Eliza's prone form and seemed to be thrusting into her. He winced. He remembered his lessons on that too. One day, Elizabeth would understand that, that was good for her too. Closing the door, he waited till the shrieks died down. All was left was crying.

He walked in, noting Elizabeth's half-naked form, reached into his pocket and shot her with a single pull of the trigger. He watched with a feeling of peace was her head lolled to one side, eyes empty and glassy, like the dolls she always played with. She looked so perfect, so angelic that he -knew- that she had found heaven. He smiled. He wanted everyone he loved to go up to heaven.

We are all going up the stairway to heaven
Made of pure dreams and love

Mr Alex was quaking. Oh dear, he sighed. Maybe Mr Alex was frightened? Ah, but Mr Alex had taught him everything, even love. He smiled as he remembered the pain when Mr Alex first enetered him and how he had stupidly cried the way his sister had. It was so silly. A grin crept up his face as he caressed Mr Alex with a blood crusted hand. Half dressed, Mr Alex looked like those angels he always told me about.

Oh dear.

Am I about to sin and be a naughty boy again?

But I needn't drag Mr Alex into this. With a precise movement, I gave him heaven.

He saw Mr Alex's head dip down, unseeing eyes staring blank into space. He rather likened it to a look of pure euphoria. After all, Mr Alex was given heaven. Maybe that might atone for his dirty sins. Reaching for some masking tape, he wrapped it securely round his sister's empty eyes, not wishing her to witness his sin. She would make him feel guilty, and would tell mama and papa (who were so comfortably sleeping) and they would be -so- disappointed with him. As an added precaution, he turned her until she faced the wall, eyes still covered by tape. With a soft kiss on her cold cheek, he shuffled to his teacher.

I saved everyone else
Brought them all to heaven
God wouldn't mind this right?
God would forgive me right?

Carefully, he stripped his teacher's clothes off. Jacket, shirt, trousers. All while marveling at Mr Alex's smooth chest, blank empty blue eyes which were currently seeing God and his angels in heaven, soft tousled brown hair. With a groan, he pulled off his own schoolboy pants and freed himself.

I feel so blue

Rough inexperienced hands, relentless in their simulation. He closed his eyes, giving into the meaningless pleasure. Nevermind, he told himself, I will share it with everyone. Quickly, he rose over the lifeless body of Mr Alex. //OhgodI'msorryI'smsorryI'msorry//

He plunged in

Savouring the cold grip of Mr Alex's body, he whisphered and crooned to his teacher's ear. He pay to pay him back with love. Love! He loved his teacher, so sinful so sinful but yet, how wonderful it felt! Faster and faster he thrusted into the dead body, feeling sparks as he closed his eyes. Yes, this was love.

He died and came.

I...I....I feel so good
In this white world

Still numbed from the intense pleasure, he slowly slipped his flaccid organ out. His teacher laid there, so peaceful and uncomplaining. How wonderful it was! How easily Mr Alex could withstand pain! He wished to be like his teacher. Sighing, the picked up the pistol which he gave Elizabeth and Mr Alex with, there was still one shot left. Closing his eyes in peace, he pulled the trigger.

And joined them all in heaven.

I'm on the stairway to heaven right now

---------------------------------------------------

I think I'm gonna be sick.

love

tsu

[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 01:32 p.m.]

Dandyness is a sign of Decadance *swaggers*

Listening to: Et Cetra Love Remix - Unknown

No tale today, gomen people. Too bouncy~!!!~~!!!XD XD XD

Went to school at 8.15am and waited 3 FIRKKIN HOURS because our DEAR History teacher forgot to inform us that she had food posioning XD XD

Did 3 hours of A Math and screwed myself over Matrices and Matrix. Someone kill me before I think too much *groans* 1 x 2, 3x4 Oh God, they sound like Gundam Wing pairings and it didn't help that Auddy was making all these queasy jokes about screwing themselves.....Man, she really is pervy!~ By the time class ended, I could multiply matrices (slowly) and was more or less brain dead.

May I also add I pissed Judith off cos she prolly thinks I fantastie about her cos I sent a Love Replica? Je t'amie!

Went to MacDonalds with Toraneko and Auddy. I DID NOT BLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I SPUTTERED but I DID NOT BLUSH. They were going on and on about if Yoshiki grew old, he would be impotent *spits water*, wear denches *spits water* and use walking sticks *spits water*. So I threw French fries at them. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD MOOOOOVE. *should've known that God was against me after watching Cage in school* I ACCIDENTLY HIT THE OLD MAN BEHIND. >.< OH GOD.

Note again: I DID NOT BLUSH


Went for Chinese tuition and studied then went to sleep after that. Blah blah blah (Chinese sucks)

I WATCHED PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN

Oh my God~!!!!!!!!!!!! Jack x Will~~!!!! *dies laughing* LOL. Played pretend and acted really really dandy and effeminate. XD XD XD Scared the kafe out of the people around me and did those funky hand actions and spoke in this affected voice...LOL. I love Jack Sparrow!!!!!!!!!! Went to Spotlight and bought some new ribbons. One lovely velevt maroon one and one checkered blue gingham one. My mom was like "Oh great, my daughter's gone crazy again" while I played with feather boas, fake pearls *GEE! Doesn't that look like Yoshiki's?* and stacked those super sparkly breacelts. Oh yeah, drank 3 cups of coffee!!!!!!!!!!

Happiness is when there's something left in the coffeee cup
Tomorrow there's school and I'm gonna be crazy crazy crazy~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm sorry I didn't write the story today, but I'm A PIRATE! AYE THE SHIP! SET SAILS! MOVE YOU SCAVANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PIRATES DON'T WRITE YOU SCALLYWAG! WHERE'S ME RUM????????????????????

Love and jackass Capt. tsu

[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 10:30 p.m.]

Music box no connexXxion

Listening to: Musicbox playing rewinds of Edelweiss , it's this cool one that my mom bought from Europe.

I'm trying not to ramble here, but it's kinda hard. //note: she gets really long winded at times// Issit me, or do some people just don's EVER listen to whatever you say? Sometimes I just FEEL so frustrated when no one sees the point even after zillions of explainations. Usually, I'll just explain and explain until the person gets it. But HOW do you explain it to someone that doesn't want to hear and gives an opinion before you can finish your sentance?

Sometimes that's how I feel when I'm with my mom.

She can't seem to see my reasoning, or logic. And it pisses me off at times. I can handle or have infinete patience for anyone that is willing to understand. What PISSES me is when someone goes all out not to hear another person's perspective. I might be 15, I might be your daughter, but I ain't no SHEEP. Thankyouverymuch...*grouses*

Next point, about the random stories et al. I've decided to archeive all of them at Chidami.NET hopefully everything will be up by Dec. Sorry folks, I'm slow cos I have ABSOLUTELY no time and my exams are in 41 days. Another thing, I might write sex and death and scary stuff, but it doesn't mean I actually do that in public. In fact, Illuminati and Cage makes me puke. Yes, dastardly at that, I puke.

Lastly, I feel I owe an apology to -certain 3 persons-. I loathe to name names, and you KNOW who you are. I'm sorry for intentionally avoiding you guys in school and ignoring you. Truth to tell, it's because I'm cowardly when it comes to partings because of my bad experiences with them as a kid. So I feel like emotional distancing will help. It's not that I don't care about you, it's just hard cos when you guys leave, I'm stuck here and going, "what am I gonna do now?' And I don't like partings, I hate goodbyes and abhor "last" times. I'm really sorry for being such a coward but I can't stand any pain.

Today was pretty okay. Fixed my timetable for the hols. and found it doesn't change whether in school or not. I still have to study anyways. Gonna have a QA (Qualitative Analysis) Chemistry test when school starts so I'm preparing now. I HAVE TO GET TOP IN CLASS FOR CHEM. A nice A1 would do. Next goals: Pass Lit well, pass Physics well and hopefully Chinese. I'm trying to go back to study mode and it's hard when all sorts of pretty ideas start fluttering in my head. (oooo...like that supercool brothers one) Anyways, the usual of E Math in the morning //I'm studying Statistics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!// and Science //Remind me why I actually do Physics again?// Math was okay but I DETEST Brownian Motion, Boyd's Law and all that CRAP. Why do we study Physics? Cos some @ss says so. Why do we study Chem? Cos God said so. *me is bias* Need my A1s......

Went to my grandma's house (mom's side) and ate lots of dinner cos it was good and I'm currently slocuhing on the chair and blogging. Interesting ne? How boring my life is. Why do you even want to read it? //Or maybe you're just a voyeur//

Long long long discussion with Kyou. She has a theory that the people who read the story aka YOU are actually the mirrors looking in. So when you read the story, you're a mirror cos you can't do anything but look in and everyone is a reflect of the girl who is the representation of human beastiality. Geddit? Okay, maybe not.

Bored bored bored......Here, a consolation story aka Brothers are getting some.

--------------------RANDOM--------------------

Forever Love Part II

A/N: I was thinking that there's more to love that just squickyness so I've added this short short piece on a different kind of love. It's not just love love, it's family love. And I prefer it it no one tries to look at it in a shounen ai way. Oh well. Who am I to say?

My mother had two husbands. When she was young, she had married a young soldier who stayed for barely a month but left her a child. Left defenceless and helpless, Aunt Mabel took her home and she gave birth to a bonny lad by the name of Joseph. Joseph was a strong lad, and wailed his birth with his lusty lungs. My mother was only 17 at that time. Aye, she was young.

When she was twenty she met my father. She was still rosy her, but she never smiled at anyone save Joseph. My father was a stern harsh farmer who kept sheep. With a little of Aunt Mabel's prodding, she wedded him on the eve of her 21st birthday. Only too late did she realize that she never loved him. No matter how sweet and passionate his love was to her, she only offered him gentle words as cold as ice on first frost.

Bitter grew in his heart. Hard as stone was his eyes as he looked enviously at his wife to loved her child more than him. Ah! How jealous and petty a man is when a child is loved more than he! He would speak only cold words to his stepson and jeer at his clumsiness. He brushed away any praise of Joseph and only heard the worst of his faults. Thusly, life was hard on the child, no matter how much his mother protected him.

Mother was pregnant with me when they had their first quarrel over Joseph. She could not stand to see her son being laughed at by what was his 'father'. She fell ill quickly due to high tempers and soon gave birth to me. Sorrow and joy ran hand in hand in the house. I was born but mother had not survived. Whisphers that she had wanted to die flew like wind in the house. Father had a new grudge for his stepson now, he blamed him for her death. How silly it is to think of it now, but foreknowledge is keener than foresight.

I was born a delicate child and Aunt Mabel, for all her duty to Joseph, considered me frail and took great pains to make me as bonny as can be. I grew strong and as man as any youth in town. Joseph, oh poor Joseph! Everyone jeered and taunted him and father encouraged it too. Even I, a child who could barely understand what those words meant, repeated them often who the childish cruelty of one that does not understand. Only Old Jim, our shepherd hand any good words to say. But father would turn a deaf ear to it. They called him sullen and stupid and I fear it is our words that made it so, his schoolmasters loathed speaking to him and in the end, he worked as a shephard in the hills.

I grew up in a lordly way, pleased and spoilt by everyone and father never failed to remind that I was his sole heir and only son. Harsh words were reserved for Joseph. Affection was for me. I grew prejudiced against him and methinks I could have been nicer. Tis regret but regret to late. Joseph, oh Joseph! He was kind to me and tried to help me in his clumsy ways. Disdainful, I rejected his graces and made use of his kindness to bear the burnt of the tricks and pranks that I played.

I wish I had not done so now.

'Twas a cold day, and I was out walking by the trees, looking for some mischief to make. The day was young, and while it was winter, I thought that I would be able to make home before night fell. Alas! Night had fallen faster than a breath and shadows creeped across the forest. Daylight showed me the way, but snowdrifts and night brought me no sense of home. Crying to the night I prayed for someone, anyone to hear. Shivering and cold, I was wearing only a simple shirt with no jacket. I wandered deeper and deeper into the forest, pleading for someone, anyone to hear.

Suddenly, I heard a bark. I thought I was hallucinating but lo and behold! It was Lassie, Joseph's sheepdog. His ugly face had never looked as beautiful as now. "Joseph! Where are you?!" I called. He came. Helping me to my feet, he wrapped an arm around my waist and slowly, we began walking home.

It was a perilous journey, guided only by my the dog's scent of home. Drowsy, I wondered why my cruel brother was making me walk. The snow looked soft and comfortable. Restless, I began to complain loudly about his faults to the bare trees and taunted to his face. How paitently he bore it! Suddenly, he stopped, "It's no use, we'll never make it in time". Pulling me to the closest tree stump, he wrapped me securely and asked for something for mine. Groggy from cold sleep, I wished for him to go away and stop bothering me. With his bothersome persistance, I fished for my kerchief and watched dazely while he tied it to Lassie's neck and sent her home.

"Ah, I wonder if mother can see us lying together now."He said softly, grasping my hand tightly. "Do you remember when I held your hand when you were a wee babe? So small you were! Sh would have been so proud of us.."Sighing, he settled himself comfortably, holding me close. "May God's will be done".

If only I knew! How selfish I was! Why had I not seen my foolishness and blindness? Warmth given had to be takenth away. Folly! How I was I knew! Oh poor poor Joseph!

"He's coming round......."A mummur of voices. Warmth. I was home. Where was Joseph? "Joseph?" My voice sounded hoarse to my ears. My stern stern father, who never cried, crumbled. "If only I knew! If only I knew! I would have given him half my land! If only! If only! How cruel I have been to a fatherless son like him!"

It was only through Aunt Mabel's prattering then I heard the news. They had found Joseph and I, wrapped in an embrace. His thick shepherd wool wrapped securely around me, his arms giving their precious heat to me. His body a shield to the cold winds. Eyes closed in a peaceful slumber that he would never wake from. Lips, now ice. A quiet smile graced his face. Only for me. How he smiled!

He was buried next to mother, face still peaceful and happy.

Now, I ask myself, what have I done to deserve a guardian angel?

Regrets, but regret too late
Love, but loved selfishly
Forever, burned in memorary
Devotion, will never fade

----------------End----------------------------------

This is what you get after too much 18th centuray Oscar Wilde and ye Olde English ways. XD XD. Yes, I do realize I shouldn't have chosen guys again. Anyways, it's a NICE fluffy story, beware of the next one tho. It's gonna increase the squick factor by 100. //Yep, it's squickier than Love Replica// Blah Blah. I'll post it tomorrow, hopefully in the afternoon when I feel less creeped out. And yes, X Japan really DOES help the squick factor.

I'm getting really scared of myself.

Why do I write such dark things?

It's not like I'm perpetually morbid or something.........*scowls* And Es Dur piano no Sen is just waay out cool.

love

tsu

[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 09:27 p.m.]

w00t~And sankyuuu's to various people.

Listening to; Forever Love (Aucostic version)

Thank you's to: Mizumi, Christine, Natz and leXis for commenting on the story. Thank you very much *GLOMPUUU*

Finished Oscar Wilde's Picture of Dorian Gray again for the upteeneth time. It never fails to send me into giggles, especailly his critiques on the roles of Art and the World in General. He Talks like That too. LOL. To quote: Art is quite a useless thing.

Had a fairly slacker-ish day, slept til afternoon, woke up for breakfast and lunch and slacked slacked slacked. Got drowsy in the late afternoon and watched some nonsense TV.

-------------------Randomness-----------------------

A/N: Funky adolscent love story with a itsy bitsy twist. Hmnn...I'll rate it as PG-13-ish. General disclaimers apply. Note: I find it kinda funny that Love Replica was released before Forever Love. Or maybe it's just my weirded sense of humour.

Forever Love will never fade

He ran to the CD shop. It was the release of her newest single, and they were giving out free posters of her latest appearances. He ran in, almost colliading with the salespersons.

There. She was there. Smiling from the poster.

Her beautiful clear brown eyes, laughing smile. Soft brown hair piled gently into curls around her pixie face. Lips parted in a sensual innocene. She smiled at him from the poster. Smiled at him. At him. Him.

His heart froze in the perfection of the moment.

Dazily, he bought her single. Hand thrusting into his pocket, digging for his hard earned savings. But it was worth it to have just bought the image of her. Enough to have bought a frozen moment of her smile. Yes, it was worth it. He smiled dreamily, pushng his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

Forever Love
Forever Love
Made of dreams of you

He had framed her poster up in his room. Her twinkly smile exploded like light in his room. Smiling, he threw himself on the bed, playing the music, humming the melody softly to himself, admiring her face that adorned his room. Dying twilight trickled through the room, soaking the humid room in glowing sunlight.

Minutes ticked restlessly on

The fan swung in it's lazy monotonous circles.

An exhalation of breath. Slowly, he undid his pants, sliding his hand down down down. A soft cry escapes his lips as a wave of pleasure inflames his senses. His hips buck to the gentle exploring touch. Cracking his eyes open, he sees her. Her beauty. Her smile. Roughly, he squeezes his eyes, as his thrusts faster and faster to the touch of this hand. He imagines it is her lips that is taking him, in this warm liquid heat. He imagines the feel of her skin, the texture of her body. Almost cruelly, he reaches up and tugs his nipples hard. Another wave of pleasure courses through him. His navie touch increases, pleasure is cresting and he cannot hold back any longer he wants her he loves her he needs her he........

His body jerks spamsmodically as he comes.

Give me pleasure
Give me your body
Your touch makes me sing
Your lips grace my skin
You are all I ever dream
Forever Love

His breath slows down as his body relaxes in the afterglow. She makes him feel this good. She makes him feel this way. She is his goodness of love. She is everything to him. She brings him joy and makes his taste the exqusite sweetness unrequited love. She makes him feel whole.

He loves her.

Forever Love
Forever I will love you
Forever Dream
Every night I dream of you
Forever Love will never fade

He loves her for now. And that is all that matters to him.

Forever love he claims. Will it ever fade?

--------------------------End----------------------------

Have to thank Mizumi for the idea, cos she was saying like Yoshiki isn't God etc.....And it made me think that don't we all claim to love them forever and worship all bishounens? Plus I needed a male chara this time and it seemed fairly apporiate. Nothing too sad or nothing too squicky.

Yoshiki inspires me to new levels of freaky-ness.

Feeling sleepy now, and I apologize for suddenly appearing and disappearing yesterday night my sis was bugging me.

love

[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 11:49 p.m.]

Author's Notes aka Tsu being extra

Bleh...how do I explain? Love Replica is a very special story to me because it's partily dream partily imagination. Mostly dream. It's been plauging me for the past few days, which is why I had no sleep. Another thing I feel is that if you don't have a copy of Love Replica - X Japan you don't feel the full force of the story. It -WILL- read like a typical horror story unless you get the song. Which is why I'm here. I'm gonna post the song up for a while only, or you can get it from me through msn.

Points to note:

Love Replica was writting by Hide and not by Yoshiki
It was released just before Forever Love (which is the next story I'm writing)
Credits to Mizumi, Christine who have been kind enough to beta read with the music and persuade me to post the original up.

Usual rules follow. Click Save target as

Love_Replica

Yours truly

tsu

[Tsubaki dreamed in euphoria 05:43 p.m.]

Tu sais Je t'aime...

Listening to: Love Replica - X Japan

Went to school, gave Auddy her birthday present even though it's not on the right day. You see, I'm those kind of implusive buyers that drive people crazy. I go, "OH CUTE!" and buy it.//Me is a very good spolit brat// ^^;;;;;; Haiz, I'm -quite- spolit (and bratty when she feels like it). Got glomped over and pver *YAY!* Glad my nii-chan likes it XD XD Got into trouble with the teachers again. Ah well, nothing new and recieved more email from my Lit teacher. With LOTS of fullstops. Maybe cos she's freaked that 1/2 the class failed Lit? *wonders*

Had a crappy lunch (if it's even considered lunch) and went for AA. SURE ENOUGH. Mr Tan rejected every single script except the Retrenchment one. XD XD XD XD I wanna laugh and cry at the same time. It's not that the idea is bad, it's just that he's freaked out. ^_______________^ TOLD YOU SO!!!!!! OMG, his expression would keep me happy for a long time. That was one of the good things. And then mom and I went to Taka's Mooncake festival fair to buy mooncakes. Most of them are pretty good, I exceptionally like the stuff at East Eatery Bakeries and East Ocean, they're flaky yam and custard is FANTASTIC. Lovvveeee at firssst sighttt...*drools* However, as usual, no one came up with a GOOD mix of chocolate and mooncake. It's pretty hard if you think about it. A paste of chocolate thick enough to be tasted and must be able to be rolled like dough. Chocolate itself is hard to cook usually do I bet it's pissifying to make. No one came up with a GOOD receipe. Anyone care to try? ^__________^ You'll make alot of money.

-----------------------RANDOMNESS-----------------------

WARNING: First time I'm putting a warning, because it's really icky at certain parts. Part of it comes from my dream, part of it from me. Mainly dreams.Or should I say, plauging demonic nightmares? [brackets] denote translations from French. I'm not that bad but my grammer is screwed.

Revised version: R rating Don't say I didn't warn you. For those who want the full experience, please pay Love Replica by X Japan. You can get a copy from me , sumeragi_@hotmail.com Thank you!

LOVE REPLICA : Don't say I don't love you....

Je t'aime [I love you]
Je t'aime [I love you]

She waits for him at the carnival. //dum de dum, dum de dum// The Merry-Go-Round plays vibratly behind. The clown offers her a ballon. She waits there, waiting for him, pretty smile, happy eyes. Her dress is new, pale pink like a cloud that follows the curve of her body.Her first date. She waits, a princess for her prince at the carnival.

Je t'aime [I love you]
Je t'aime [I love you]

They hold hands. Sitting on wild rollacoasters, the air of love hangs like a dream between them. She smiles a secret smile at him on the Ferries wheel, as they stare into the night sky . //dum de dum dum de dum// The sound of the revelers. They go rounds and rounds, music lights magic blending into one. Magic talked of this moment. Magic lived for this moment. Magic became love. Love transendance.

Je t'aime [I love you]
Je t'aime [I love you]

Night has fallen. Dancing fireworks leapt across the sky, colouring the night with thier blazing light. //dum de dum dum de dum// The music plays on, the scent of flowers hang in the air, pouring their sweet perfume into the glorious night. //dum de dum dum de dum// They sit on a knoll, laughter bright, hands holding, happiness reflected like radiance on their faces. The fireworks explode once more, painting fairy light fairy bright on to the black canvas of night-sky. Showered with glowing light, they lean forward. And a kiss. A sweet innocent kiss of love of magic and light. //dum de dum dum de dum//

Je t'aime [I love you]
Je t'aime [I love you]

"Let me show you the maze of mirrors at night" She whisphers to his ears. He ascents and they leave. For the mirror maze at night.//dum de dum dum de dum//

Toi, multiple,
comme le dessin des ailes des papillons
Loin, lequel, laquelle
Tu sais je t'aime
Je t'aime

[Multiples of you]
[Like a picture of many butterflies]
[Which ... which ... which... ]
[You, you were there]
[all that came to me]

She led him there, to the middle of the maze.//dum de dum// Mirrors stared at him, he stared at him. His reflections smiling and waving at him. His reflections staring back at him. Multiples of him walking into the different paths of here there everywhere. Truth. False. Which one really is him? "Come, let me show you my secret place". She led him further in, deeper into the dark. Mirrors all haunting, looking in, reflecting. He stopped and stared. Blood on the walls, painting dripping clotting, red velvet curtains hung loose, moldy at edges, rotten rose petals laid strewn over the floor. The stench of death and sweet roses smothered the air. Her eyes looked at him, bright glints in the darkness. Candles reflecting the plae porcelein of her skin, like stars dying. She sat there, pink dress sweet and shy, not noticing the hideousness of the place, the parody of love.

"This is home, do you like it?"

She smiles. And leads him into the ballroom. They waltz. //dum de dum dum de dum// One. Two. Three. They twirl and spin. Her arm running up his back, he muscles flexing in response and a trickle of blood on lips. A cold cold knife. Life bleeds out of him as his heartbeat tries to keep him alive. //dum de dum dum de dum//. She smiles so deliciously sweet, dancing with him still. The knife slides down his back ripping his skin. Je t'aime. A thin line of red grazing his neck. Je t'aime. //dum de dum dum de dum// Music plays on.Je t'aime. The mirrors reflect the dance of death as she slowly slices him into pieces. Je t'aime. And finally his neck. The mirrors stare, spectators in this be. Blood paints the walls a glowing red.

Cette peau de plastique
C'est toute ta fiert
Je t'aime

[This body of plastic]
[Is all you'll ever know]
[I love you]

She walks over to the couch. Placing his head on her lap, she licks the blood from his neck. A beautiful lights up on her face, threading a needle, she carefully measures the lenght of black thread. A snitch. His torn arms are sewn again. A long black snitch, sewn tightly over skin, neatly perfectly runs up his spine. A tiny crossnitch carefully ties his bleeding heart. Her body is bent intent over her work. Kissing and mummuring to him, as she carefully pieces him back together again. She smiles and pets his hair. He is done. Empty blank eyes stare, a snitched smile of closed lips on his face, forver in a lopsided grin. A careful line of black snitches up his thighs, small and tidy. Her workmanship is so good, she prides herself at it. She loves all her dolls.

Tu sais je t'aime [You know I love you]

She places him on the shelf with the rest of them.//dum de dum dum de dum// She smiles and prepares to make tea. It is her tea party. Their blank faces smile lopsidedly at each other. Senseless spineless bodies sprawl over their chairs. She chatters to them in this red red room, daintily lifting her bloodsoaked cup to her lips as she plays with them. They are all her dolls, so pretty and so perfect, forever listening to her. Never leaving her. //dum de dum dum de dum// She loves them all. Loves them best. She notices a curl out of place in a hair, a tucks it away shyly as the men stare unseeing at her, lips snitched into a smile. //dum de dum dum de dum// She wants to dance now. Picking her newest one up, she brings him to the ballroom.

Tu sais je t'aime [You know I love you]

She tries to teach him how to dance. But his frozen limbs refuse to obey her. //dum de dum dum de dum// His smile mocks her. //dum de dum dum de dum// She shrieks in anger. //dum de dum dum de dum// She can hear the music throbbing in her veins. //dum de dum dum de dum// She slices him again, stabbing him, tearing the smile from his face with her nails. //dum de dum dum de dum// She thrusts the knife into his anus, spiltting him inside, intestines falling on the parquet floor. //dum de dum dum de dum// She digs his heart out viciously, grasping the throbbling muscule with bare hands and watches it burst like a ballon in her palm. Blood flecks spray over her face. // dum de dum dum de dum// She rubs the blood between her fingers, then licking the clean away.

Tu sais je t'aime [You know I love you]

She crawls over to his muilated form, noting how her beautiful snitches were torn and what a pity it was. Then, she glances at his face.//dum de dum dum de dum//

She screams.

Terrified, she looks at the mirrors. The eyes stare blank and accusing at her. Mirrors, reflecting them, empty limpid pools.//dum de dum dum de dum// She knows they are mocking her. //dum de dum dum de dum// . She gouges them out with her bare hands, smashing the eyeballs with her heel. //dum de dum dum de dum// Empty sockets stare grin at her frustration. // dum de dum dum de dum// Frightened, she backs away, picking up her knife in desperation. She stabs his face over and over again. Fear increasing her strangth. //dum de dum dum de dum// She grabs a length of clothes and binds his face with them. She doesn't want those eyes on her every again. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tries to forget his mocking unseeing face.

A bubble of laughter escapes her throat.

Ce tout petit univers [In this small universe]
Tu n'as pardonn qu'à moi la possession [you didn't give me the small possession]
Je ne veux pas que l'on me drange[I didn't want what he was giving me. ]
Dans les mains jointes rassembles[In joined hands]
Je t'aime[I love you]

She sits there, the mirrors smiling at her, she reflected at them. She smiles and walks up to them, caressing her reflection, a look of love passes her face. She knows they love her and loves them too. Her dress is dirty, but it doesn't matter. She has so many dresses. She has so many dolls too. She smiles a secret smile. Terrible in it's beauty, horrifying in it's innocene, gentle in it's cruelty. //dum de dum dum de dum// She doesn't mind that he is gone, she has so many other dolls. //dum de dum dum de dum// Tomorrow the carnival starts again, who knows? She might find another prince waiting for her. She shrugs, and leaves the ballroom. The mirrors look blanky at his dead body, none of them true, none of them false. They are spectators to her dance.

Tu sais je t'aime[You know I love you]

He rejected her.//dum de dum dum de dum// But it was okay. Because tomorrow she will find another prince to dance with again.//dum de dum dum de dum//And maybe she will find her love. Tu sais, je t'aime... [You know I love you]
Tu sais, je t'aime... [You know I love you]
Tu sais... [You know...]
Tu sais... [You know...]<
Tu sais... [You know...]<

Will you love me?

---------------------------End----------------

I did warn you. The original was much worse, so be happy I toned it down okay? *shudders* I was so waay out scared when I wrote it. A little pity never hurts anyone. So scared that I didn't play Love Replica but Brise instead. Love Replica is like a twisted carnival song. It freaks the shit out of me too. X Japan is just so fanficable......

I don't think I can sleep tonight.

Anyways, think happy thoughts!

love,

tsu