+tsu waited for you at 12:39 a.m.+

The List

Okay here's the final list for tomorrow's books:

Charles Simic - Book of Gods and Devils
Sylvia Plath - Ariel
Oscar Wilde - An Ideal Husband
Samuel Beckett - Company
Philp Ridley - American Gothic
Daniel Keyes - Flowers for Algernon
Graham Swift - Light of Day
Alex Garland - The Beach
Alex Garland - Coma
Fritzgerald - This Side of Paradiase
Anthony Burgess - Clockwork Orange
George Eliot - Silas Marner
Various - 20th Century Short Stories
Burnett - A Little Princess
Montemongory - Anne of Green Gables
J.K Rowling - Harry Potter and The PoA

Total : 15 books

It took me 2 days to get it sorted out. Argh.
I hope tomorrow will be okay.

Went for art. Got irritated. The entire thing only finished at 6pm (!). I need sleep. Kenneth is funny. (Haworth trance! XD!) Mrs Haworth is an irritating self-righteous b*tch which I don't want to waste my breath on. Urghk. She pisses me off. Need to thank Josephine for helping me. Ohmytian! She's the only person who can type so fast on that damned Dynamo. Anyway it looks good. That's all that matters right?

Okay. Need to read through Wilde and Simic one last time. Of all the texts, these are the two which I read most infrequently. Almost all the rest I can do it.

Very tired. Very scared. Very anxious.
Death is a favour, not a curse.
*bang*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:13 p.m.+

A very strange enchantment

ECONS IS OVEROVEROVEROVER!!
*cheers*
So now it's just art and S lit left.

The paper wasn't too bad. DRQ sucked, Case Study relatively managable and MCQ was fine. Made a couple of careless mistakes (urgh misread LP curve) but it was okayish. I don't want to jinx it, but I think I'll pass. Carefully moderated expectations lol.

NE quiz is boring. Ex-Controller of Income Tax? LOL
I mean....c'mon! Ridiculous doesn't even cut it

Ummm today was kinda productive. Finished art with audy's help. Okay she can cut straighter, stick faster and paste better than I can lol~ My sense of perpendiculars is horrible. Like horrible. Had lunch, showed her the Fabulous World of Katamari Darmacy (la~la~lalalala~) and er...slept. I mean that way but sleep as in sleep cos apparently my house is very nua. LOL. She claims that the moment people walk in they'll feel so sleepy. Funnily enough, it seems rather true since Gloria, Steffi, Alex etc all feel it too.

Must be the atmosphere lol
The nua effect

Project Runway 3 seems interesting - LOL, Austin is so cute. He's designing for Amsale! The wedding group from one of the chanllenges in season 1. It's totally his thing though - the feminity, the glamour, the elegance and the -happy vibe. I'm kinda interested in the L.A designers; they look like a funky mix of street cred and couture.

Anyway it seems like everyone is getting hitched
What's up with couplehood?
I mean it's great that you're willing to go all the way down to school at 8am in the morning to wish her good luck for an exam but..........

Okay I'm just not sentimental.
Romantic yes, sentimental no.

It does make me wonder though, what's it like to fall in love. That you're willing enough to wake up for another person. Honestly for me - I hate waking up. I like to sleep. So if I'm willing to wake up just to see you, it's problably a big deal lol. *cuddles pillow* Right now though, Eygptian cotton bedsheets are my no. 1 love

falling in love
Sounds either like concrete kissing or flying
When you fall - do you break a neck?
or fly?
Or maybe it's like both - a bit like hell, a bit like heaven

Like waiting for someone to catch you - and not knowing if they will.

Wahahahaha...irony
Me talking about love
What do I know anyway?
A couple of armchair theories from the edge of my screen
Don't dive. Not in.

Anyway it's back to work time!
Punching tape :D

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:12 a.m.+

Tastless

Just for kicks, I want to make a bad joke:
e.e @ cummings
That paper killed me - I didn't know how to start
There was just too much to write
The assonance, the complex rhythmic scheme
The imagery, the symbolism, the lyrical nature
ARGH I JUST WANTED TO GIVE UP
I wrote 6 pages, but it just wasn't enough.
Just wasn't.

I got it correct though, E.E Cummings was from 1849 -1964.
I feel like saying hah! I told you so
Except that I screwed myself silly over it *sighs*
God I hate myself sometimes.

The worst is knowing you can do it and not having enough time to do it.

And the fact that I really really love it
the poem I mean.

The play wasn't so bad though (the prose choice was Hemmingway ugh). I used the standard technique - effectiveness + characterization. Thankfully, this play reminded me of Equus, so whatever I remembered for Equus, I just chucked it down. The similarity is amazing. Narrator-protagnist, use of memory/entering memory, opening monolouge and metafiction. The difference is of course, language.

I rather liked her humour.
It ate me lol~

-----------------

yesterday was poseideon lost
a neptune orbital flung
steel waves that rose and struck
on anvils of shorelines
black beaches and stormy troops
of skies and seagulls - a funeral cry!
for tomorrow tomorrow
just kept coming and coming
and rolling and heaving and aching and groaning
till all had sank
amidst this frozen sea

I watched penguins yesterday. They were so cute. Macroni peguins remind me of Singaporeans lol. Hilter, skilter, hitting and screeching - a noisy brood of complaining chicks.

a friend in need is a friend indeed
We'll see.

-----------------

Finished my painting. It actually looks good
I'm kinda amazed that it actually looks good
Perhaps that's what it's like - each section fitted
then turned into a beautiful piece.

I keep thinking of Cummings' rhythmic scheme
Let's see if I can do it.

'twas sunshine and rain
and daylight and night
(and on the dream tops
are chimes) that pit that patter
and pattered that pit
till shine by stars and noon by night
and faces by monkeys did she kiss me
goodnight

Modified. I couldn't keep it in the end if I wanted to emphasis "goodnight" but I did an okay job I think. Kept a semi-pentameter, kept the assonance rhyme and the symmetrical form. The parenthesis effect isn't perfect though, but close. Tried to keep the lyricism and simplicity but using softer modules, the hardest is "chime" but it's softened by the enjambment.

I don't think people ever realize I put effort into thinking these things out -lol! What did Mrs Sng say to us: "Inspiration? What inspiration! Stop believing in muses and hogwash!" Ahahaha....or something along those lines.

I feel bad that I didn't do a good job on Cummings.
How depressing.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:39 p.m.+

Rain

I love the weather.

the soft green cocoon
hides catapillars, asleep
who says what they dream -
in their baby crysalis?

The sky is so wonderful lately~ I actually really like cold weather. It wakes me up from the stupor of summer - the bracing wind, the colourless sky, the grey

the bloodless sky
bleeds grey
into
blue
in quiet horizons -
in sunless light -
in empty arches -
our gothic carthedral
of
everyday sorrows

I was reading Stephane Mallarme in the bustop today, and such a pleasure it was! Just to read for fun; to listen to the rhythm, the candence, the assonance and consonance and rhyme. It was like a quiet serenity of feeling - the sound of the rain drops pattering in time, the drifts of chattering students drowned by the swishing tyres on rainslicked roads and the poetry ringing like bells.

It's just nice to read for fun for a while
An enjoyment.
Like being swept away by a romantic lover of fast dreams and fleeting feet - poetry!
And let it fade like music

Took my files/boards, talked to Alex and wished everyone good luck for math and did all the usual things: went home, made a cup of hot tea and read the papers, studied a bit of practical criticism (more like reading past essays of mine really..) then took a nap.

I think if I had to die tomorrow
I would not have wanted a better day

I like quiet. I love watching the sky from the bed today, to watch the clouds drift past like spiderwebs or feathers interwoven in pale, thin, cotton candy fluffs and the odd caw of a bird. And even though yes, tomorrow will be another exam; yes, I really do want this week to end; yes, I haven't finished my art and kana die lor - I still love it. It's so nice to feel peace.

I'll need my wits about me though
Tomorrow is Practical Criticism
Any bets?

Let's see....they would want a semi-difficult paper, but not too hard. They wouldn't choose something on love again, considering the dismal performance of "Meeting Point" in midyear. DH Lawerance is out of the question, they had him twice already - however, Cambridge tends to favour Georgian poets. Imagists might be too difficult for students to grasp, because they tend to allude too much. HOWEVER! Imagists are also very popular - Mrs Sng likes them and it has been taught before...I suppose a good bet would be the 1850s to 1950s. If it's Ms Chua setting the paper though, she might want something more linguistic. Erza Pound? He's fairly popular, imagist, fond of haiku-style poetry and linguistically a genius. She could run the other direction though, with Shakespeare's sonnets.

Anyway, whatever it is - 80% I'll do the poetry
It's just so much easier for me
I don't know why though *shrugs*

I think because I'm lucky, I have a good "ear" as they call it. It's like listening to music. Technically if you have a "ear" for music, poetry should be a breeze (and vice versa). But it's not really really true. Music is wordless and tonal, language relies on the unseen tones and it's the unseen tones that make up the beauty.

Anyway I think fall is coming soon.
The sunset is earlier - 6.30pm compared to the usual 7pm
It's dark out already *peers* Moon tonight.

PS. I won't be online tonight to finish work, but I'm contactable via HP

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:33 p.m.+

roses

Today I woke up with another dream.
kyuuketsuki
It was so strange - the place
A door in the middle of a shopping centre
4th floor
Like those frosted glass gateways where taitais get facials -complete with fake white moulding and columns
Open the door- a handle of gold

steps.
a swirl of cloak.

[cut for privacy]

---------------

I was waking and sleeping then I thought of something lovely and decided to stick my toes into the window. And then I though of this:

let the sky nibble at your ankles
and clouds drift around your toes
look up to see -
you, walking on the roof of the world

Doesn't it sound to happy? I like it~ It was so rainy and cloudy the entire day.....like the gauzy feeling of pale azure blue drifting. I rather like it. It makes me think of pillows~ soft cloudy pillows of dove grey and concrete. I <3 sky
Okay okay
Just to remind everyone again:



Yes, it's an ugly picture of Gabriel Tan Hong Chun! :D Can I remind everyone again that he doesn't like me and will never? Can I remind people that I will never jepodize my stability? And that he is a remorseless bastard who is rude, vulgar and all round S.O.B whose sole interest in sex and other base desires?

I just want a break.
There's a field of people who convince me so much that I'm almost half-convinced that I like him.
Except of course, I don't.
Not that much anyway.

If you're wondering where I got that pic, I got it from Rockerfella when I was doing an art project and took everyone's face. Yes, I asked him to smile. No, I didn't deliberately make it look ugly. And no, I didn't keep it because I liked him or whatever. To put it succintly:


audy's portrayal

Isn't it amazing how accurate her drawing is? All the way down to the nostrils! I am positively flabbergasted at the similarity!

LOL - maybe if this turns up on google at least someone will get a good laugh from it.

------------

float:
an esper
wraith of gentle
nightmares, with still
waves
in waxen rose and smoke
wraith
floating upon these dead
sea

[how salty are the - ?]

Tomorrow will be a spanking new day.
Spanking, like a gleeful child
with new mistakes and joys
and all sorts of experiences to tumble over.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:52 a.m.+

Clovers

I can't really describe what I'm feeling
But perhaps, Kyouya can:

It's called.......I don't know you syndrome.

Did some more prepwork for art, then I realized that I left my black file in school, which means I'll have to go there on Monday to collect it. *sighs* And then today I called Clare (and came to a slight realization) and she reminded me the deadline was on 21st, Thursday. Urgh. Urghk. *despondently* If you kill me, it'll be a favour not a crime.

Realization 1#: so yes, it's true. She uses me for Gabriel-infodumping because once I banned her from talking about him around me, we have nothing in common

Realization 2#: The way she talks reminds me of audy. Audy now that is ._____. Like today they said the exact same thing! (except one was on the phone, the other was on MSN) It was so creepy!

I have nothing to say really, except that I want this to end real quick.

I've kinda regressed (retarded?removed?) myself from society lately. I don't talk to Graham, XiaoAn, Jared etc much anymore. Minimal contact with classmates - even my fellow art classmates. At most, I talk to Alex, but she's mostly with Kunal now and I'm happy for their relationship.

I just have nothing to say.
Nothing at all.
Just blank, emptiness - a stare.
Almost as though I knew it would happen all along.

And my heart knew it
And my heart wasn't in it
There was nothing to begin with - so what's in the end?
Just..nothing
I don't even feel regret.

-------------------

Tomorrow....I'm going out! Because I'm sick of studying~ ^^ I am going to.....ART FRIEND! To buy homework! ahahah see? So sad. And maybe pick up Charles Simic for S Lit.

And later, I shall console myself and eat pistachio icecream on my own.

;_;
I just need to call someone.
Anyone. Someone.
Before I drown in myself and just - give up.
Just anyone.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:58 p.m.+

lantern

how beastly the borgeouis is
especially the male of the species

I wanted to talk about yesterday.
About how the tea planning is going fine
About how I cleaned my bookshelves and recycled some away
About how beautiful everything is.

But sometimes

I think of peach trees.

The memories that you have - but don't exist. Islands of peach trees; reality mixed with illusion. You know the boat ride was real, the mountains were real, the blue of the sea, the dry spring air, the concrete floored port......and what else.

Were the traupalins real? The red and blue ones that sparkled over the bay? Were the strange shops real? The lanes? The scent of incense smoke, the running through weeds that cut and stratched your legs and haunted voices that catch you only in dreams.

Wake. It's over.

The problem with reality is that memories can be tricked. Say, the place is real. It's a real island offshore HK which I went as a child to clean graves. But if you were to ask me whether the trees were real, whether the colours were real, whether the voices were real - I won't be able to explain it more than a child's memory of it could.

lanterns
float alienly towards the sky
like UFOs
sliently steathily flying
home
in vermillion glows

And if memories can trick you, then how much reality is tricking you?

It feels sometimes as though you think you can do it all - only to realize that you can't, and fall. The Greeks had a term for this, hubris. Like, romance. You think you've got it all figured out - the reason why people don't like you is because you're too fat, too scary, too smart. Then you realize it has absolutely nothing to do with it, and it's just yourself fighting against yourself in the dark, like a blindfolded marble statue fighting its mirror in darkness. Statsis. Unequovical. Unvoicable.

Maybe Conrad had a point; that at most, all you can wish for life is to stand at the edge of the abyss and learn something about yourself - only too late.

But what if you knew, and didn't want to do anything about it?

I can honestly say that I run away very very often. It's not that I dislike boys per se, it's more like I dislike the baggage that comes with it - then I complain that guys are scared of me (which is true) and that I'm lonely. So I console myself by working harder and harder for other things; other dreams - fashion, design, art, beauty. It eats up loneliness, so then - is that okay?

Most people say it's not - it's unhealthy, it's obsessive, it's escapism. But then you think, what's so great about it anyway? At the end of the day, romance is an illusion. Romance exists because you think that person is perfect for you, you think you know them well enough and most of all, you think if given the chance - there is a future awaiting.

If that's true, then I can apply it to work too.

I think I can achieve success. I think I know the business well enough. And most of all, I think of given the chance - there is a future awaiting.

And right now, I'm tricking reality.

this paperthin softness
of unwritten blankness
folded, bended, twisted
reality

[draw a line]
[a black mark of -you-]

Like paper. Paper lanterns - redorange and glowing, illuminated inside like ruptured light, spilling around and above, embracing and segregating the dark of other lanterns, floating aimlessly suspended in mist - each one every one of yours. The possibilities. They burst into flames, swallowing and eating from inside to out

tiny tiny suns.

Sometimes I want to hold them close to me, hug them to my chest and burn myself up with them. Exploding. Blazing. Glowing. Terrifying. Dying for a sun.

Reality always seemed to be like paper to me.
Lit up only by the raging heat of humanity
As though if you could tear through the thin folds of nothing
you'll finally transcend into white light

Peach trees.
Somewhere
blossoming in one lantern of the night
maybe they're real
maybe they're not
who knows?

0-0--0---0----0----0---0--0-0-0--0---0----0-----0

the polytonic flashes
plastic pink, neon blue and white
electrically charged eyes
watch the pulsating light
pixelated messages that beep:

-blink-
[all alone]
-beep-
[in satellite spinning]
-dumdeedum-
[lonely orbital]
-jingle-
[suspended]
-honk-
[waiting]
-slush-
[all alone]

The screen blinks
The colours end
Shutdown.

-zip

I keep thinking of handphones. Sometimes I wonder how they'll look like in paint - splashes of arcylic thrown with nail polish and varnished shinybright like candyholic gloss.

strange folk
fall from heavens
sky men O sky men
with bowler hats and blue umbrellas
and briefcases and black suits
look up:
raining newspapers and raining men
blind
hollow
men
call them
[the everyman]
you. me. us. and all.

I think the sky is very cool today. Mr James look! The reality is wrong because the sky is too dark at the bottom! and lighter at the top! That's not supposed to happen right? That's not in perspective right? So is it unreal now? LOL~ unreal reality~

I think I'm a little heartsick.
Some people get sick in the body, sick in the mind
then other get sick in the heart

Or maybe it's just wallowing in self-pity
Urgh - grow out of it already!
Or maybe it's just prelim stress talking.
Or maybe I'm just tired of taking care of things
Or maybe I just feel underappreciated.
Or maybe it's just dunno....weather talking.
G'day then, homework to do.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:15 p.m.+

circa 1999

Listening to: Every Planet We Reach is Dead

Econs was okay. Was saved by the macro questions and UBIN. Yay~ I love UBIN. It's a ancronym for Unemployment, Balance of Payments, Inflation and National Income growth (aka econonmic growth). Basically that's the goals of a government. Did all the UBIN-type questions, I'm pretty sure my Monetary Supply one was okay - not so sure of the budget deficit one though. Government overspending consequences isn't something very talked about in school.

Though I spotted Market Failure, I didn't do the question because the situation was too hard. It's hard to quantify the extent of SARS in monetary terms. The most I could come up with was the medical insurance payouts, the loss of productivity due to sick workers and the loss of international prestige and stability. And this was a failure of the government due to the lack of information. Not really enough points to tackle the question blegh *sighs*

Lit was a hit and a miss. I TOTALLY spotted the question for Blake. Word for word. And the best thing was that since I spotted it, I actually went to ask the teacher for consultation for it a week before the actual paper. *dances* Zomg! INTUITION. And since I opened the consultation to everyone - those people who went for the non-complusory revision got the answer for it as well. It's crazy. I didn't even study for it (irony~). I just regurgitated every single thing I could remember from that session - everything from Blake's state of man, the Zoas, the lyrical style, the state of mind etc etc plus I knew exactly which two poems to concentrate on (The Tiger and The Lamb) in which I cross-ref.ed to Introduction to SoI and SoE because they shared the same themes of progression and contradiction <3

Thank you Mdm Damo!<3<3<3! Thank you for coming down on Tuesday just for us! I really really appreciate it!

I think this is the best Blake essay I wrote
Because for a change I actually knew what to write and how to structure it. Usually I just rant on and on and on - but this time....woohoo~

I think if I get a 33, I'll be darn happy already
Never scored higher than a 29 for Blake
And Ms Chua never gives a 35 anyway ^^;;;

LDJ was crappy though and HMT was worse. The problem was I couldn't find my HMT text and ended up doing it with a different book *sighs* The pages I remembered weren't the same, so there wasn't enough quotations (though I referenced a lot) But references have less marks than quotations - so.......*sighs* On the other hand, the question was relatively easy for HMT. Storytelling is really a big theme in the book. However, I was really running out of time (LDJ took too long) and I had 30!mins to finish an entire essay.

Mistakes
1. Did not explain the quotation given
2. Abrupt conclusion
3. Inconsistency

Mistake 1# is a real big one though. *sighs* Definitely the highest I can get for that essay is a low B (which I must redeem with paper8) On the other hand, I had a point which people might not have had - that "storytelling" also can refer to the Gileadean society's way to erasing the "recent past" and indoctrination. This can be seen through the constant interruptions of Aunt Lydia inside Offred's thoughts. Maybe if they're feeling good (hah!unlikely) they'll move me up a bit.

I'm just glad I finished it though.
6 sides in 30mins
That means.....5mins a side! w00t
Mrs Low would be so proud of me ahahaha

LDJ.......ergh. Horrible to start. I reckon a 28 is the highest I can get for that paper. It's not bad bad, it's just not enough cross-refs. Also I had difficulty in expression (how annoying) My ending was crappy too. I hate writing dumb conclusions. It annoys me. Bleh.

In total: Blake 8 sides, LDJ 6 sides, HMT 6 sides
Which is 10 sheets of paper (same as Paper3)
I think that's the standard amount anyway
3 sheets, 6 sides
Alex hits around the same number of pages as I do

My handwriting looks REALLY AWFUL this time round though :x

----------------

Break time!
Quizzes for the bored.

My Personality

Neuroticism	42
Extraversion	63
Openness To Experience	99
Agreeableness	68
Conscientiousness	46

+tsu waited for you at 01:16 p.m.+

Some like it fried.

Some people need to grow up.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:35 p.m.+

Litter

graveyard of paper
crumpled ivory on my desk
sadly forgetten, dismissed
as unwanted
useless answers
unfinished
in a scribble

Lit was okay. Didn't finish though *sighs* But at least I think I did alright for HOD and BNW. Glass Menargerie.....I dunno. I only understood the text the night before the paper, and I didn't have enough time to chew on it.

I have a blister under my thumb though .____.
10 pages, 20 sides. Ouch.

I'm worried/not worried for Econs tomorrow. On one level I'm totally sick of studying and I think I did enough of policies and UBIN and SKIP BEDD and whateverthing else during Econs tuition; On the other hand I have this quiet sense of panic that what if (curses of all curses) they give some horrendeously un-doable question like MRP theory or CoP?

I feel also incredibly stoned.
I just want to get this over and done with so I can go shopping with sak.

*feels alternately stoned and panicked*

Oh yeah~ trivial note, but I've gotten back to using blueberry shampoo again and it smells absolutely fantastic. *sniffs* I think of fruit salads~ Anyway I'm quite happy :D I bought a parasol! <3~<3~ As in a real lacy one. To be exact, THIS one. Cute right? It's offwhite too, so it'll match nicely with what I have. It's a really good deal though. The stuff I see on ebay isn't as nice, and usually cost more brand-new. If I'm not wrong, eBay's one is around $75 in total but I got this one at $55 with shipping. That's $20 off the usual price ^^

I just love the star-shaped edging - it's so pretty~<3

So okay, parasol check. *ticks off list* Now all I need is shoes. The rest I can make or buy myself. Shoes are a big problem though. It's hard to get second-hand shoes because I have such small feet *grumbles* But I would love a pair of classic black shoes with a satin bow. Actually, I'm going to get them :D Later of course.

I still don't get why people would want to diet.
It's one thing if you're obese and you need to be healthy
But it's really scary when people are so weight-obsessed.
Hello?! Life's too short kz.

Anyway time to sleep. Tomorrow is Econs after all.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:00 p.m.+

No Virgina, I don't want to see your panty cooties thanks.

Listening to: random

God I'm in a foul mood today :( I think I'm just really stressed for Lit. Keep going "Must get B! Must get B! Must get B!" Then I went to Cheong Woh, got my cheque (which I will bank in tomorrow) and had lunch with family. Dad's in Singapore btw - just for a couple of days before flying off to USofA.

The EGL party is turning out bigger than expected. Which more or less cancels out most cafes. First is that no cafe in their right mind would do a booking of over 10 people at ONE timeslot because it kills their profit, next is the limited seating. Kinda cool~ seems like even people from M'sia are coming.

I'm offically not allowing my sister to go :x she's not polite. And she's not loli. And she can't take photos. Shaky hands. Most of all she's not polite :x Sak should know. We're betting remember? :D

But for now...PRELIMS!
Dear God, I haven't even checked my pencil case yet. *sighs*

Anyhow, I should problably get back to mugging. C'mon! Let's all learn how to spell weird Africa-Not-Africa names like "Gram Bassam" and "Little Popo"! LOL

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:38 p.m.+

Bumblebee syndrome

taste the royal jelly
buzz like a junkie bee
high

Sometimes I just want to go: @_@
The sheer magnitude

Sometimes I want to just ask myself: "why can't you just leave it alone?" Like the EGL meetup. Someone else could've done it. Someone else would've done it one day. But nooooooo I have to stick my nose into -more!- responsibility and create more things for myself to do. Complusive workaholicism? Perfectionist? Just plain bored? I don't even know myself. I think the problem is the DIY-mentality. You want it to suceed and you know the quickest way of ensuring sucess is to Do It Yourself. If I want an EGL/EGA party that suits my fantasties (problably impossible, but heck) - I'll just have to do it myself.

Anyway, it's UP
Just click it and you'll go to the right page
*is tired from planning*

It's not like I have a lot of time either. Schedule as follows:

11th - 22nd September Prelims
14th September: Cheong Woh
21st September: Photography of Art Coursework
22nd September Night: dinner with Alex
23rd September: Fabric shopping + location scouting with Sak
27th September: Deadline for Coursework
13th October : school graduation/Last day of school
-----HARDCORE REVISION BREAK----
28th October - 29th November: A LEVELS!!!
29th/30th November: CJC Prom Night
3rd December - 10th December: Italy
16th December: EoY 2006 (?might not be going.)
17th December: EGL/EGA meetup
-----Sak moves over for Christmas Break----
23rd - 26th Christmassing
1st January: New Year's

And my grandma just told me today that we might be going HK. I'm a busy, busy girl huh? -_-;;;; Have the feeling that this trend is going to last for a long long time.

I guess I'm right then. That this year is going to be the most precious time I have left for my friends. Next year will be even worse. -_-;;; First I'll be working (and painting. and taking French classes.), next I'll be in Japan in July, and in and out of London in August to settle my Uni stuff and in September - it'll be bye-bye Singapore forever.

Time really flies huh?
It doesn't just fly anymore.
It soars.
Like a shinkinsen bullettrain in gravity defying levels.

It's a good/bad thing. It's good because I absolutely can't wait for A levels to be over. It's like a dread that builds up so much - a tightrope suspension of tiptoeing feet - that you just break and crack and explode like a flooding dam with all the stress. "Just kill me already!" cried Marie Antonitte to Excutioner. "Your blade is blunt but my neck is thin!" LOL. I apologize for my retarded jokes.

I think I inhaled too much CFCs from the spray can
Either that, or turpentine has really withered my brain

Ahhhh...lung sirrosis. How quaint.

-------------

dream of skies and sailing ships
talk of cabbages and kings

Talk of something less stressful! Like a wishlist! :D

Oh Sak, Innocent World updated with a new SKIRT!
The scalloping edge + crown print is too cute~

Lemme see....I want the Moitie Iron Gate OP in bluexblack; the IW card buttons cutsew + JSK, the BABY akazukin set hmmm..OH! and the Moitie chandelier print! *dies* And if I have cash leftover, I really really really love VM's summer line.

LOL.

You know what the funny thing is? Even if I had the money, I problably won't spend. I actually have enough to buy a Moitie OP now - new. I just can't bring myself to spend it. I think "Oh it's so pretty!" Then it's "ZOMG! PRICE!" Finally: "Hmmm....you know, I could problably duplicate the design for less the 1/2 the price."

Then I just call up Sak and we go bargain in Arab Street
Bargaining is fun ^^ I don't know why though
But bringing down the price by just $2 makes me happy already :D :D :D

There's a word for this: parismony
adj.: describes an extremely concerned attitude towards money; synonym: tightfisted, miserly.

Seriously.
Like the last time I got paid, I was so tempted to get Meta's chirimen bordeaux frill-pintuck JSK for $366 but.......I just couldn't do it. :[ I had put it in the shopping cart and calculated the shipping - but I couldn't hit the "confirm" button. It just felt so..........moneywasting.

I guess that's what's going to happen in Japan. Most likely I'll drool over all the pretty amaloli stuff but end up buying Jane Marple and Emily Temple Cute. Then sak will persuade and persuade and squee and I'll FINALLY give in - and buy something utterly ridiculously unwearable like BABY's over-the-top himeloli ruffles + lace + bustle + trumpet sleeves + underskirt + ribbon thingamajings.

Or maybe sploosh all my moolah on the blue iron gate OP.
hee~~~~~~~:D
The "Elegant Gothic & Lolita Empire" is just so BLING!
Like : "yo mamma! I'm a loli y'hear!"
"I dress in my frillies and laccies all year!"
"Cuz I'm da LOLI! The ruffle LOLI! The gangsta LOLI!"
"Who'll PWN j00. yeah yeah yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahh..."

Or whatever's the gothicG@thiCk version of it

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:05 a.m.+

Deathnote 24

You wonder how many ways are there to get fucked.
Like now.
Absolutely, mindlessly, totally - fucked
Just think like that.
Inside out and outside in.

The headless chicken runs around, sqwaking headlessly with an empty neck, spurting vents of bloody screams soundless. Flapping wings that beat emphatically and pathetically towards death that comes like a sudden, disjointed fullstop. Just like that. Bam. Legs up. Head's over. You're dead.

And your hands just clasp your gaping deaden mouth with fish lips - OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO GOING TO DO GOING TO DO?

I am so screwed.

Days are so short now. So short. 24 hour days. Those kind of quickening, endlessly azure days that pass so quickly that it seems like a long extended moment, a complex sentance of infinite clauses and parenthesis - the entire stretch of a vocabulary. That's that kind of day. A 24 hour day.

Only marked people understand 24 hour days.

Those kind where they send you a letter: "hello. you will die tomorrow. goodbye." Notes they leave under doors or floormats, tiny notes disguised as Valentines' Day hearts or Happy Birthdays; maybe even that missable advertisement at the top right hand corner of Classifieds - Or perhaps, a simple marking of the calender - that tomorrow, tomorrow you'll have an exam and you're ABSOLUTELY FCUKED.

Part of me just wants to give up, give in to pressure and just have a mental breakdown and send myself to MPH and stare blankly at walls and ceiling fans. It feels so hopeless. You know they tell you to make a list of things to feel better? I made one - and I just wanted to cry.

What Needs to Be Done But Is NOT//What's Going Wrong:
-Painting Not Dry (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Need to paint in cloud highlights
-Need to paint in umbrella highlights
-Need to glaze umbrella
-Bought lacquer thinner, which is wrong.
-Need to buy varnish, which is right.
-Need to buy another A2 board because I made a mistake.
-Art Friend out of A2 boards.
-Need to finish sticking newsprint to prep boards
-Need to paint varnish on to prep boards
-Need to cut prepwork
-Need to organize prepwork on prepboards
-Need to cut black styrofoam for prep
-Need to use the emboss tape to punch write up for prep
-Need to stick them in
-Need to read Blake notes (text read already)
-Need to read BNW notes (text read already)
-Need to read HOD notes (text read already)
-Need to read HMT notes (text read already)
-Need to read LDJ notes + text
-Need to read GM notes + text>
-Need to finish S Lit texts
-Need to finish S Lit essays
-Need to read MircoEcons notes
-Need to read MarcoEcons notes
-Need to read Econs+ essays
-Need to go Cheong Woh

I want to die.
Deathnote 24/7.
God this feels so awful.

Like the sound of the word: "inexorable"
Extortive process of imminent doom.

Let me go write my epitaph

---------------

You know, it won't be so bad if my art teacher wasn't so much of an anal retentive bitch. Despite that the deadline for the exam is 27th September she INSISTS that we be done by 18th. Then blames us. Then gets snarky and says we should've "started earlier." Yeah bitch, if you weren't so insistent on us doing so much prepwork until I have 2 boards OVER! *disgusted* She can't even give anything constructive and yet wants to see my painting. For what? The last time she saw it she just said "That's great~ keep it up." But I didn't believe her.

So I asked Mr James for a second opinion and guess what?
My lighting was wrong, my horizon wasn't receding and my background was too dark.

YOU KNOW I COULD'VE SAVED 3 DAYS IF YOU TOLD ME WHILE I WAS PAINTING BITCH. SO DON'T FRIKKIN' TELL ME "START EARLIER."

And then she says she doesn't trust me. Well. It's not like I trust her either. Would you? She can't tell right or wrong. Not only that, she comes up with new rules that the A level syallabus doesn't have. Like seriously. Don't believe me? Try Singapore Examination Board. I've read and re-read the darn thing over and over and I CAN'T find it.

This is crazy and I'm pissed off.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:29 p.m.+

Neferious designs - or just plain drollery

Listening to: Oasis

Dear mom, you might not be able to read this, but I finally get your drift. So yea, next year auntie must go. I guess yien just can't empathize because she's blinded by affection. But let's say you've raised someone; fed them, clothed them, gave them a job and shelter only to have them cheat and steal and lie to you - well.......that's tantemount to betrayal isn't it?

In this case, it's not foreign maid abuse.
Quite the opposite actually.
No one likes to be betrayed after all.

shikata nai though.
You rise, you fall - on your own barefeet. *shrugs*

------------

Busy, tired, busy, tired. You know what's the meaning of September break? It's not a break to relax or have fun, it's for you to bend over backwards and offer your ass over to the hard, pillaging stakes of A levels. (innuendo intented) In other words, it's to screw you over so badly that you kinda wished school would start so that at least the teachers won't have the excuse: "oh you're on holiday so I can pile work on you."

In truth, out of the 5 day week, I go back to school on 4 of the days. The only day off is Wednesday, in which I have tuition. Supposed to run errands, but MahMah is sick - so no go for Tuas. Maybe I should just take the oppotunity to sleep in when I can, finish more of my lit texts and do Econs MCQ. So life's like that.

God I feel so droll today.
Like Hopper paintings - weird pointless empty urbanizations
That mean nothing, except that they do.
Like sunlight. Or the lack of it.

Lit was fun today. Correction: Lit with Mdm Damo was fun today but Fahy is a f*cktard. He told the T9 that T7 & T8 had a combined tutorial today and blamed us for not knowing. WTF? Then he had the guts to blame me, when he specifically told Graham to lias with him. So I'm like not the Lit rep anymore huh? I don't get it. With ALL the other teachers, I arranged it so that everything went smoothly from those who wanted extra Blake to those who wanted consultation. Look. If you want to blame anyone, blame yourself. Blame yourself for being disorganized, telling the f*cking WRONG class and informing Graham instead of me. Graham, for all his sweetness and saintly light - is the MOST disorganized person I've ever met. He's messier than ME. MESSIER. UTTER CHAOS. PANDEMONIUM. JUST LOOK AT HIS FILE(!) AND YOU'LL KNOW. MR FAHY ARE YOU BLIND?

*watches that strange piece of opaque spittle*
EW.
Talk about veneer of civilization.
No wonder he teaches HoD. A fine specimen perhaps?

*is snarky*
pfft.

----------------

Did some painting, cleared the ground at last. It looks much better with a stronger ground contrast and the shadows aren't too defined or blurred (trick: highlight the edge of the darkest shadow blend it outwards to define, use a mid tone as shadow and darkest tones for inner shadow ONLY. Merge all together with a clean brush soaked in medium)

You know some people use white as highlights? I rarely ever ever use white. The trick is to use a primary tone to lighten/darken. Anyway for record: mid-tone is 30%prussian and 70%lemon yellow, highlight is lemon yellow and darks is prussian. Groud tone is 50/50. Sky tone highlight is cadmium + white, midtone is (cadmium + lemon)85% + prussian15%, base tone is chrome orange, darkest is prussian + chrome.

I'm kinda amazed that the colours managed to balance each other nicely, considering that cadmium and lemon are contrasting yellows (ie. one is cool the other is warm) and I didn't neutralize it at all. Mr James said that I could've made it easier for myself by not using so many different shades but.....*shrugs* It gives a really lovely golden-ish tone to the clouds. That sense of layered perspective which I won't be able to get if I only stuck to one undertone.

The biggest problem right now is to lighten red. Red is one of the HARDEST colours to lighten/darken. You can't add white, because you automatically lose that 'hue' and turns pink. You can't use purple because it 'cools' too much and brings forward too obviously. Using other shades of red (I tested Geranium, Scarlet Lake, Alizarin Crimson and Cadmium) gives you BARELY ANY GRADIENT and varies too little to be seen clearly. In the end, I resorted to Vermillion (orangey red) and sienna + scarlet to produce a reddish brown which I use to darken. I really couldn't think of anything else to use. The CJC teacher suggested adding green, but it just neutralizes too much to a desaturated redgrey that I didn't like it.

--------------

It's 14th night tonight. After this, the second 7th month is more or less over. You can tell by the way the moon waxes into white brightness, getting more and more brillant everyday.

today, like lights
back and forth, incessant
a tennis ball
throw it back to you
[ping][pong]

I think back alleys.

Make a list. Everyone makes lists. Lists are fun to make.

---------

Lolita Meme

-----------

*sighs*

*sighs again*

I was really horrible today.
*sighs*

And I was just so annoyed I snapped at Clare and just ignored her. She was just so...so grating. I was busy when she called and when I uncremiously told her "I'm busy." She was like *whine* "..........okay" So when I saw her class afterwards I just ignored her. I absolutely detest that. You can't just walk around demanding people's attention on you 24/7. Like today's Mindy's birthday celebration - you were just sitting there sulking and looking angsty cos no one was giving you a f*ck. Rightly so, cos it's MINDY'S birthday. Are you so mean-spirited that you can't even do that?

*sighs*

Whatever.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:38 p.m.+

Happenings

Halfmoon. I guess the weather really is getting colder. It's not yet white light though, I suppose it'll take another month or two before sostalis. *smiles happily* But since it's yellowing, it means mooncake festival should be round the corner.

So clear, tonight's night. Maroon bordering on violet, like staring into a deep and endlessly infinite abysss - an incomprehensible mystery. Then somehow, you can vaguely see the lacelike foliage of dark trees rising against the rich purple sky. Almost hue on hue. Just vaguely, faintly outlined silhouettes with city lights shining through.

It's a city night tonight.

Urban; like a mysteriously sophisticated veiled gauze of civilized demeanour - the meaning of trappings. Velvet on steel, cat's smiles that glow white in aching darkness, matte crimson red lips and rushing cars unbeknowst beneath. And you think to yourself the layers of concrete jungle. Is it really?

Or perhaps maybe it's just concrete because we want to believe it so. That it isn't just paperthin walls that seperate us into different layered cells like bees in a hive - get up, work, sleep, eat, have sex, die. That the lights shimmering above and below and around you aren't the same - or maybe they are. Or maybe it's same but different - same in sorrows and joys and rainfalls and windows and different in how you experience it.

Saturday was fun~ Went out with audy and had pie and went Kino and did all the nice audy-ish things to do with. In fact, I can't really remember what I did only that it was happy. LOL. Isn't that the best kind of experience? That the details just float - anmesiac - in memory like a distant and unimportant thing until such that the essence of feeling remains. Just a simple white/cream feeling of happiness.

Went home and slept~
Sleeping is nice

Woke up, had dinner and started reading Brave New World (again). It's funny how things deepen with understanding later. Re-reading HoD, BNW and the rest of my texts seems to have made more *sense* to me. It's now like....a pattern instead of disparate bits and pieces.

On another note, I'm really happy that Haruka Minami's Farthest Limit updated! I wish I could find the raws for it as well though. And the Secret Club Kushidou chinese raws are out. Anyway..[SPOILERS] The truth is that Yuuki broke his leg to save Tats-chan and it was really his mother's fault why they were seperated. Tatsuya doesn't know that of course. And like in the end, they go back to the cave and hold hands and stuff and it's so sweet! Then again, it isn't so surprising considering Nishimura is fond of happy endings.<3 (and the smex is godsend)[/SPOILER]

.......I really really want to go BookOFF and buy Junjyou Romantica though. *dies* Hiro x Nowaki teh love! (I like them almost as much as Seishirou x Subaru)

Okay enough yaoi_daily ranting. *smiles happily*

Went out with Mom today to go shopping, I didn't buy anything but she got a dress, a blouse, office gifts for Vietnam and all sundry. Didn't really feel like buying anything, but I did try on a lot of clothes. I really love the superadorable red wintercoat though~ pity about the price. Anyway there's always next year.

Next year next year next year....
Next year is such a strange year

The moon is falling tonight
Descent.
It's now at the east meridian 1/2
A half boat.

I confess: I'm a little disgruntled at some people. A little. But okay....*shrugs* I don't need to see them next year anyway. I believe at the end of day, there will be people who will change so much that I will just cease to recognize them. It's a very real possibility. Another possibility is that I'll change so much they don't recognize me either. Relationships change. People move on.

I don't know why....but I don't mind it anymore.
Is it because even special people are less special to me?
Maybe.

Anyway tomorrow there's art (dear god) and Lit lect in the morning. Maybe I'll go for lunch outside school. Or just make sandwhiches. Sandwhiches are nice.

reach out your hands
an opened palm like an inviting flower
and the scent of crushed butterflies

I think of that story.
Eight flowers of autumn
How d'you cure the sickness of the soul?

grow old.

Next week will be Prelims with a capital P. The fate of my entry to UK depends on this. At least - I MUST get a conditional entry. Hopefully I can an acceptance letter (but it's unlikely). BBBC That's all I need. It's enough to get me into Imperial anyway (but I aim for LSE) and it's always more sensible to get better marks. Widen choices. After which I need to start applying to Ecole Beaux de Academie Paris

So S Lit paper is on the 22nd Sept, dinner with Alex. Then 23rd Sept, I'm going out on a cloth-shopping trip to buy our prom material. I need min. 6m of cream chiffon from Arab Street and a roll of black trim (hopefully even rose galleon trim?!?!) from Chinatown. Worse comes to worse, I'll go Spotlight to get that bloody overprices shantung chiffon. *sighs* But I have faith in Arab Street! :D Lots of faith! Even better if I can find that gorgeous scalloped emboridered fabric they used in IW and VM - cream with gold thread is my preference.

After which we can go eat mutaburk and bandung.
Oh yeah, I'm selling my drill to Aya for her Atelier Boz jacket.

And I need to pick up some black velvet ribbon too.
Velvet and chiffon - the texture is interesting, plus the colour is very classic. ^^ I think sak will be going for a dusty pink x cream combo. That'll be cool. LOL. We'll be like the ONLY classic lolis in SG considering the poliferation of sweet, gosu and kurololis.

Then again, it just reinforces my opinion that SG doesn't have any taste, nor any class. Singapore style my arse. We can't match colours (that's why instead of gorgeous foto_decandent worthy spreads, we have people telling us about colour matching). We think that just because it's humid, it's okay to walk around 24/7 in tank tops, jeans and spaghetti straps with fugly open-toed sandals. Most of all, not many people have any sembleance of a personal style.

I blame Polytechnics for that :x

Why?

Because it's basically a bunch of youths, empowered by their freedom from the school system believe that they know everything. Since they are youths, they must be right, right? Cos youths are the "setters" of fashion. So what happens when you let loose a whole lot of them in Poly who don't need to wear school uniform? Lots of people copying each other thinking they invented it, thinking it's cool, thinking they're right.

Call me an elitist if you want (I don't care - I know I am.) But I don't see how youthfulness = tastefulness. No elegance y'know? No class. When I look at them, I see fun, playfulness, innocence, naviety, comfort but I rarely EVER see anyone dressed tastefully or elegantly.

Yeah I'm problably pissing a lot of people now

I honestly never saw the problem of "brandwhore" or "elitist " anyway. Darwin was right - no man is born equal. Most are apes, a couple can shove things around, and even lesser actually know what to do. Whining doesn't get you anywhere. The truth is that even if no one is born equal, doesn't mean you have less of a right to live than the other. So therefore, you just have to make use of whatever you have.

So in the same line, if you can afford McQueen shoes or Moitie dresses - so be it. Why not anyhow? The quality is assured. And that's fashion. So face it.

It's like being pretty. (yet again, I never understand audy's obsession with being skinny or looking pretty). If you're average, you're average. Then you just make use of it. What's the point of agonizing anyhow? If you're really so desperate, go for plastic surgery. For me, it never makes sense. I know I'll be average for the rest of my life; and they'll always be stuff I'm unhappy about - my boobs, my waist, my pimples, my legs - but so what? I dress to fit my body, I don't go for lace overkill, I -know- I look good or at least, presentable and that I've done my best.

So much better than girl who just goes for lace overkill hmm?
Beauty not equal taste.

Okay I've ranted enough.

[EDIT]

Family Matters updated~ *dances* Now if only clampesque forum updated more often......*sighs happily*

I doubt I'll ever break my addiction of hardcore twisted angst. LOL. It's like gin and tonic. We just get on so well together.

Deranged is fun! *squrriels away minificlets*
Ahahaha things that should never see the light of day

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:52 p.m.+

there and back again

Yesterday night was a temptation.
A lovely reckless that overcame me - with words
"look for the moon"
And like a phantom - I slipped into the night.

Have you ever walked at night in nothing but your thin pink pajamas with bugs bunny print at 2am in the morning? It's amazing how it feels. Delightfully eerie in the way the wind moves - through you, in you, around you like a playfully dark lover. The way the night sky looms like a pulsating red womb - pink and fleshy and cloudlessly bright with false neon lights and faint faint stars. You think the sky's so far away in the azure day - but no, it's so close you feel you could just simply grasp it and tear this curtain away to show how illusory reality really is. It should feel oppressive, this redpink sky that seems to moan and swivel and arch and cling to statsis. You'll think like contradictions: the trapping of the sky, the inertia of clouds and the incessant wind.

And standing underneath it - is empowerment.

The tingle that races like a primal knowledge across your wind-chilled skin, the weight of your hair as it hangs down your back - heavy and soft and unreal feeling; so unaccustomed you are to feeling it, the way your toes freeze at the tips of your open slippers. You: sliently standing still in pure equalibrium with yourselves and self, raise your arms in unknowable delight to the night!

It felt so strange - but so right
To be there, cold but warm
This unexplainable feeling.

The meaning itself....is it so important? To feel the natural power flowing through you, to feel the connection to yourself, to others, to those who sleep and those who don't and all those under and above this sky ....it's a glorious feeling. To sheer overwhelming peace. To be one with your world. I connect. I transcend. Sometimes it seems so impossible, but mayb maybe maybe....it's just a step away.

I felt so wonderfully happy and awake after that. I couldn't really understand it - to me the meaning was more in the act of it than the actual incident. It seemed to me like it was a gauze illuminated light - shrouded by layers of chiffon and silk, impressionable and distant and understandable only in the experience of it - not nessescarily the telling.

----------------

Wednesday was - to be crudely put - a bitch. I didn't feel like anything, I didn't want to pander to anyone. Clammed up. Shut off. Fragmented. Those don't-touch-me days. I was annoyed with Clare and I was fed up with putting up with her sick shit and seriously contemplated on breaking my word to her.

Anyhow I left early, which made me feel much better.
Went home, slept 'cos it was raining.

I love sleeping when it rains. It feels good. It feels snuggly and soft like fluffy grey clouds sinking into each other in comically morose tears and sniffles. The word: snuffly To listen to the plish and plash and pish of raindropping smacking soundly against glass and watch the sky resemble crumpled bedsheets.

Sometimes I just want to hug the sky.
*hugs*

It'll feel like raindrops and cold and weather and saltysweet icecream. Like softtoys gone wet, like washed puppies and cranky cats. Or maybe it'll be like laundered shirts soggy and drippy and soaking through with the clean smell of bleach and soppy water. Hand down, wring dry, drip drip drip.

It's so lovely to have it rain.

But getting my INTARNET eletrocuted was NOT good. I couldn't get online to send my testimonial in (so I missed the deadline, but told my teacher the next day so it's okay). Irritating. And I was planning on reading articles from Yawningbread.org to refresh myself on what's on in Singapore politics too.

Ah well - shikata nai
Tempremence I guess.

----------

Thursday was a distinct improvement. Though I hate waking up when it's raining, it makes me cranky and sleepy, it was a fairly good day. GP Prelims was as expected: horrible to extreme but relieving once its over. True; Angie, Graham, Vanessa and I were beating up ourselves for it but I'm just glad it's over. And I passed Econs Mock with a 57/100! Rejoice! That's a C! Which means my prelim targets of BBC is achievable after all~ :)

Met up with Mr James - the bustop light is corrected, but the ground still isn't light enough. The sky is fine, but the shape of the clouds is slightly lost, and I need to lighten the middle ground more. To summarize: LIGHTEN. Everything else is fine, it's just too dark.

Went to Provence because I just felt so....depressed. Bought curry doughnut, koshi anpan, raisin bun, brazilian sorban and a milk-pan for aya. Ate it contemplatively on the way home, and decided to spend the day in.

It was nice, really, to take a break and spend time with sis. Watch a little TV, reorganize my huge photo archives, watch anime and House epis then nap and wake for dinner. After that I phoned Kero and proceeded to gossip shamelessly and rant out all our frustration at dealing with Clare. She really managed to irritate me this time.

Sometimes I wish I didn't meet her. But ah well - shikata nai Anyway I told her I don't want to listen to her talk about gabriel anymore. It's annoying.

Seriously, they deserve each other.

Doodled various designs for clothes ;_; I'm kinda sad that I can never wear those dresses with gathers at the bust because it makes my already big boobs look absolutely humongeous. No ribbons under boobs = no VM or MM designs. *sighs* So I was thinking of maybe an offwhite/black combination instead - perhaps a little Chanel/Moitie influence with chiffon instead of cotton to make it classier. Then I'll do the edging in velvet, which will provide a nice contrast of of texture and colour.

But......MM *wibbles*
Should I take a risk?

Ah well.

Anyway the technician came today so the internet is fixed, my brother has finally picked up Fiest (lol, I read it in sec2) and I finished reading Heart of Darkness again, which makes me feel rather productive. It's HOD darnit! The thick, meandering prose so dense that when Marlow gets into sinking waters, you feel like you're in sinking quicksand text.

Thankfully it gets easier. It's my 3rd time reading it after all. It's more familiar now.

Now if only I can muster the energy to read the deary desperate Glass Menagerie..........*procastinates*

I swear that text will be my Authur Miller

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:12 p.m.+

digging

Listening to: FF9- Vamo'alla Flamenco

One day I'll buy the (frikkin' expensive) OST.

Anyhow.....
I think I need to spend less time with Clare
She's taxing my ability to focus and think clearly

Unfortunately the situation is rather impossible now, because we're doing Art (which means I see her nearly every day) *sighs*

-----------------

Not very productive day - I think most of everyone is too burn out from work to care too much. Not to mention almost everything is on hold due to art. Bonkerz. *sighs*

White paper. Fresh starts. Blank canvas
Nothingness is so awesome
Especially if you're stoned in the mind.

dakara sa.....

I miss audy.
I need good clean company

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:57 p.m.+

One step at a time

Listening to: X Japan Ballad collection

Skipped school in the morning because I was really utterly sick of school (and I would only miss 3 classes comparatively). I'm exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically. Art isn't just painting or drawing or measuring perspectives. For me - it's an exercise that requires all your experiences and knowledge and feeling culuminated to one single essence of a paintbrush.

But now I have really toned arms.
*pokes self*
It looks like I've been playing tennis everyday or something lol

The real problem is the turpentine/balsam/paint/oil. The smell is problably hallucingenic and lung-shrivelling. The place really isn't well ventaliated enough to do any true painting but I can't help that. I get high (or rather we) and dizzy from sniffing that stuff all the time. My sis and mom are right when they say oil painting is killing me. It killed Van Gogh. It killed Rembrant. And generations later (even with massive technology) it's killing my lungs and I can do nothing to stop it.

Irony eh?
We invented cars and trains and PDAs
And we STILL can't invent a safe oil paint

The best part is the camaderieship. There's nothing like pressure to get everyone together. We slack, we whine, we moan, we bitch - together. Like that our uniforms are becoming dirtier and dirtier (quote Clare:"soon we're gonna look like the school cleaners!") because of all the unwashable arcylic. We meet each other almost everyday now, clocking in around 4 hours at a go. It's kinda amazing that no one's killed anyone yet cos being trapped in the same room as another should make us desirous of murder but what the hell - we're too busy finishing to actually care.

Like today after class we headed down to Island Creamery for icecream and just to sit around and talk and take photos. Funnily enough, the people who miss out on this are my fellow classmates (Pinkie and Jo) from T8 'cos they've finished so soon, they don't need to come back like we do.

But Clare, Mindy, Izyanti, Zara, Alvin, Alphonsus, Brendan, Kenneth, Deborah, Yan Hui and Michelle - hah! I problably see them more than I see my classmates now.

Icecream was great though!:D Had chocolate, coconut and apple-pie icecream on a bananna split. So wonderful! And spazzed out on curly fries which are surprisingly good. I think we got slightly high and started taking random pictures and saying weird stuff ie "Alphonsus: Self Portrait of a Bannana Split!" (cos he's like takwando brown belt and can lift his leg 180 deg)

So fun~~~~~~~~~~:D

------------

I don't mean this is a bad way, but sometimes I wish Clare would stop comparing herself to me.

Some backstory:
You see, despite the fact that we're Fine Arts - very few people can actually paint. I mean it. For instance, Alvin and Gerard are terrible at painting - and they openly admit it (but their pencil sketching is LIEK WHOA ZOMG IT LOOKS PRINTED!) Out of around 20 or so art students, only Brendan, Clare, Kenneth, Michelle and myself are painting.

The problem is that is brews competition.

Clare.......she's got a serious inferiority complex coupled with a mildly resentful nature and natural competitive instincts. The problem is that for her final project, I've helped her. Small stuff. Like mixing colours, colouring a bit and she feels as though other people are looking down at her because I'm helping her.

And I think she feels as though she'll always be second best to someone else.

It doesn't help that people know that - when they comment on her painting they also comment on what I've help her in and they ask me for my help too. For me I honestly don't see any problem, but she views it as though others are looking down on her ability as a painter. The strange thing is no one actually cares and she's just being paranoid.

I help Kenneth mix his colours too, and how to highlight the base of clouds for sunset. But it doesn't really matter as long as everything gets done y'see?

She just doesn't see it that way.
*sighs*

It's hard for me to deal with it.
I've never been on the recieving end of envy before
Usually it's me being envious of someone better/smarter/prettier

I try my best though - I tell her it's okay and give her compliments as much as I can (and tell her to stay away from Mr Gabriel Tan Hong Chun aka The Devil Himself) but sometimes I don't know what to do. I can't stop people from saying my painting skills are good. The other alternative is to not help her - which goes against my policy of helping everyone regardless of what rumours say.

Not to mention I am the best colourist in the school.
Ahahahaha....self-praise! is disgrace~
But it's true.
I think having a fashion background makes me more attuned to colours and mixing them.

But no matter what I do - I can only do so much. What she has to do is to learn how to help herself and deal with criticism. There will AWLAYS be backstabbers, detractors, rumourmongers, people with too much free time and gossip. Deal with it. SMILE!:D

-----------

I guess the second part is about how awkward it is sometimes to be friends with people who generally dislike each other. It's even stranger sometimes when you're friends with a person who is friends with someone you dislike. Lost yet? I am.

So I'm going to save myself some pain and keep it simple. As long as I'm friends with you - that's good enough. Doesn't matter who you're with or what.

Btw, along the same lines - I *REALLY* don't need to know that Gabriel Tan surfs for Thai/Cambodian porn when stressed. REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Nor do I need to know he gets off listening to the Thai/Cambodian women screaming during sex. Most of all I do NOT want to know that he thinks about that when he's pissed with someone. Seriously. SERIOUSLY!

Like c'mon! What happened to the meaning of privacy?

Not to mention he gets angry with me most of the time. I really don't wanna know okay? I'll rather pretend he hurts cute little puppies or cries like a girl. BUT NO I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HIS PORN SURFING HABITS. THAT'S JUST SICK. SICKSICKSICK.

I wonder: do people understand the meaning of oversharing anymore?

There are somethings, no matter how curious you are, that you Don't Want To Know. Ever. Not even his MOTHER wants to know that. (much much much much less me.)

It's just creepy imho.

----------

Oh a weird, gastronomical level - I'm really craving for turkish salads. Or maybe cos it's showing Anthony Bourdain now and he's in Morocco eating tagine. It's not the tagine that I want - I want those itsy bitsy starter plates with fresh dill bread and dip it into various cold substances until it looks well coated.

*drools* In particular, I really want the minced tomato/greenpepper/onion mixture with mushrooms and dill yohgurt dipping.

*goes to kitchen*
*looks around sadly*
Boiled cabbage and chicken soup it is
So Charlie and the chocolate factory huh?
boiled cabbage

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:15 p.m.+

santi-u

My head hurts like a sledgehammer hangover.
It hurts so badly I can feel my eyeballs pounding out of my skull in one million and one kilowatts of sheer pain.

I don't really know what to say.
It's just so wordless today.

I feel so..........bitter/resentful/calculative/indifferent. Like counting eggs. One. Two. Three. Then break them in a green bowl, mix and watch the yolk break into yellow threads in mucus film.

I need to paint.
I have homework to do.

*sighs*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:12 p.m.+

A day in the Life of tsu

Listening to: A Sai En + Pulse - Macross OST.

Photodump! The first time I'm doing something like that actually. Mainly cos I transferred most of my handphone pics on to the comp, so I thought it would be fun to see what people thought of my life (and my skirts! hah!)



My computer aka. INTARNET. As you can see, it's on pitas.com webpage. Next to it is the TV, and the phone. Ahahaha~ I love technology~



My amazingly dirty table! See all the homework spilling everywhere? And the litsy bitsy wire spilling forth from my discman? In order: Lit files, Econs files, GP files, unburned CDRs, Bodyshop orange soap box, masking tape and godknowswhatelse. I'm not exactly very tidy huh?



My bed! *sprawls* My 18 year old teddybear (imaginatively named "bearbear") and my cat, Pistachio which is a gift from mom this year. I do most of my homework on my bed (because pillows are LOVE!), especially Econs and Lit. Plastic bag contains stationary and discman~



A Room With a View. Sleeping next to the window means skies and winds - but also mosquitoes. Ugh >_>



The view :)



Skirt collection! I have over 20 skirts ^^;;;;;;; I love skirts~ It's a lot cooler and more comfortable to wear. Plus demin makes my skin itch so it's more sensible to wear skirts. PS: check out all the tartan<3~



Balcony garden~ Contains: Ixora, bouganvilla, jasmine, chilli, iron tree, mint, money plant, a couple of orchids etc etc



Balcony view. I love clouds. Do you realize how many sky pictures I have? Crazy huh?



Thursday's roses which I bought from Far East Flora. It's white with creamy pink centres. Gorgeous isn't it? They've blossomed into a very lovely posy after a little conditioning and arranging.



Mrs Sng's LV Murakami White handbag! That thing costs thousands lol~ Told ya she has it *flashes photo*



Kenneth (2T18) as a wayang (chinese opera) star. Ahahaha~ during art he borrowed Clare's eyeliner and proceeded to doll up and pout sadly. He was like: "I will NOT smile." LOL~ his lips kept twitching though ahahah~ So cool huh?



Editorial is LOVE! After the party when we stepped down lol. This year's committee was all girls' ahahah~ we PWNZ j00 ALL!!!



View from the Bridge. LOL~ 7am in the morning when I walk across to go school. It's lovely how the sun looks like a dewdrop of an egg doesn't it? All sunny and red and golden peeking from the dark silhouttes of buildings.



Ichigo Bliss from Mos Burger <3<3<3! Audy bought me for my birthday too~ Clare bought these for me though when we went to watch Thank You for Smoking cos we were too early.



YUBARI MELON POCKY EXISTS!!! *insert Tamaki-style music* Amazing huh???!?! IT'S CREATED FOR COMMONERS LIKE MOI WHO CANNOT AFFORD YUBARI MELON! LOL~ Anyway, Mindy bought it for me during art today cos she knows I love Pocky (plus I bought Ichigo 100% and Men's Chocolate the last time) It tastes AWESOME. I don't usually like melon much, but this tastes AWESOME!!!!!<3<3<3

and finally~



Today's sunset, 6.30pm, on the way home ^^

----------------

Rolled off bed in the morning, changed for art. Going for art is kinda cool. You walk in at 10am in the morning with your dirty t-shirt and everyone looks cool and dirty. The light streams in is dusty and hot - not sultry, just summery hot that blazes across fields in relentless cadmium yellow.

And we just sit around, paint and talk till around 1pm then we go off to town for lunch. Ahahaha~ they looked at my yakisoba bun as though I was crazy (it's cold soba inside a bun - carb overload!) And Alvin was so sweet. He was drawing his friend's shoe so that he could earn money and buy stuff for his girlfriend. So romantic huh? lol.

Worked on the painting till 6pm. Woohoo~ finished the first layer of glaze for the sky. It's so shiny you can see yourself reflected in it. <3~ shiny!love. I only did the chrome/cadmium glaze over though, not the lemon-green based one.

Finished the desert, cleared the directional light problem as well. The proportion is *still* a bit off, but the paint was too wet to clean properly. By Monday it should be semi-dry enough to continue.

Mixing varnish smells like axe oil. Izyanti, Mindy and I go so *high* on that stuff we started singing all the Disney, 80's, Andrew Lolyd Webber musical songs we knew. So funny! All the dancing and stuff~ :) It's so nice to know other people like the same music as you do. The varnish is really sticky though - the stuff was annoying hard to wash off. Almost like superglue.

-----------------

pick a reverse song
sounding sentimental and red
of old hynms and lost prayers

[are you sure?]

I say

My entries are really long I guess. I can't seem to neglect the everyday to just go for the abstract (unlike Rachel Koh). Maybe not so saddening.....a balance perhaps - of the two sides of me?

Listening to Paris Hilton is amusing. I keep on thinking of Pina Coladas - Pina Coladas with huge pinaappales and red maraschino cherries and fruity lurid pink bikinis and blonde blonde hair. Sometimes what you need is pop.

white light
illuminate
receeds into distance of
you
take it away
on blazing wings
of seraphic fire

[draw me into your gravity]

I think italics are sexy. Whispery like. As if leaning intimately towards you.

the dust sweeps
old footsteps written in sand
overwrit
overwritten
a blank slate
of - [?]

Not even a goodbye.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:04 p.m.+

apres le noir

your voice is an echo in this desert
the solitary call, the solitary oasis
i stumbled by
in dazed hollowness
a deadened soul

a thousand words, a thousand steps across blazing suns, the burned eyes, the bloodied thoughts, the broken soul -

[the promise is never forgotten]

the oasis of the sky
within my heart
and yours
for without you
i can only be

nothing

[deleted]
you are my eternal symbol of -dream-
and that is a gift enough.

--------------

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed
The intense feelings of love and gratitiude
come crashing so unexpectly like waves
that sweep away every single doubt I have
that no matter what happens in school now
that in my ultimate goal.

goodbye sad child
swinging your legs in innocence
your hands are sticky from syrup
your lips grinning - a pierrot from past days
your eyes glitter with hard tears
paint red
the hand you hold
is
not

dead.

I think of white roses. The white roses for white days. Flag days. Days of Odette nights and midnight lakes, days of smooth mirrors and gauzed reflections. Old nights.

Odette, Odette, do you look at the moon?
It watches you with cold eyes and pale caresses
Fairy dust on your angel wings
Your twin and reflection the mirror below you

Odette, Odette, do you hate the moon?
The witchery, the midnight, the dark
Entrapment of sliver nets and dreamed prisons
The moon floats weightlessly o'er night glass


Or perhaps?

Is your prison too beautiful?

I wonder how Odette feels. Or maybe even Odessa. The twin is not the same as the reflection.

----------

I've been rather doozy lately. *laughs embarassedly* And I really apologize. Sometimes, you just need to go back to your roots.

dusk mountains of twilight
-lupin. lune. loupe.-
the grey streaks of wild sliver
the balloon lantern of a moon
arising....

meet.

[howl into empty nights]

---------------

Some proper blogging to be done

Teacher's Day concert. Gave Mrs Sng her "LV" (she laughed like crazy and promised me an A1). Went to Provence with Clare cos she looked so depressed. Fiddled with flowers. I love flowers. The roses blossomed beautifully.

I think I want to work in a floristry after A levels.
*smiles* Flowers y'know?
A kind of conscience.

I honestly love flowers. I love their beauty, their apparent delicacy and surprising strength. The waifishness of a slender stalk of orchids belies the toughness of their petals. Or even the cliched rose and thorns thing. Sometimes I think if I was a florist I'll never be unhappy.

White roses are probably my favourite next to camellias. The big white ones that seem to glow in crystalline light, like creamy globes growing in the palm of your hand - so gloriously white and bright. Illumination is the colour of white roses. Transcendental delicacy. And then the dark dark almost black leaves of scottish roses, thick and thorny and wild.

Anyway the roses I have at home are unfortunately not that kind, but they're beautiful anyway. More creamy-pink than creamy-white though. Like the colour of seashells, bleached white with a lightest tinge of coral pink. Very pretty. Rather bridal looking though -_-;;;;; but I like them anyway. They deserve to be treated properly.

I really hate Teachers' day sometimes
The way students just throw flowers around
I feel so.....urgh! looking at all the pitiful flowers
Withering for the lack of water and care
Like coloured tissue thrown haphazardly by barbarians
tossed without grace, without concern
an unliving gift of deathliness
no respect for beauty

ok think nice thoughts

*waxes lyrical on flowers +++*
They make me so happy

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:55 p.m.+

For Algernon

Algernon: pink, white, grey on electric copper blue.

I wish I could scatter petals.

Today was so trying. I just couldn't take it anymore - the increasing workload, the idiotic way my idiotic teacher tries to guilt-trip me by saying: "why you're so sad? don't be sad. Look at Jo! she's also doing art." (please read: Why Can't You Shut Up) I just couldn't take it. I just started crying. I wanted to yell y'know ie. F*CK YOU B*TCH WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ART?! I just couldn't stop crying (poor Graham, first time see me cry he looked so aghast) *chews lip* I actually really do chew my lip y'know - dunno why. If I feel like crying chewing it helps, it I'm stressed, I usually bite it hard enough to get blood and clear my head.

Phototaking Editorial JC2s (Claudio as photog) then ran to Art Room, dropped my bag and ran out of school to find Venetian Turpentine. Bumped into Jing Da on the way (aka. the guy who looks like a hobbit) then switched to Brash Basah. Then oh my tian....it started to RAIN. I really wanted to curse y'know? RAIN. Dropped at Art Friend (thankfully the sun was shining at that end of singapore) and here's what happened:

tsu: hello, I'm looking for Venetian Turpentine.
guy: harh?
tsu: I'm looking for Venetian Turpentine.
guy: Turpentine ar? *points* Thinner lor.
tsu: No no...I mean VENETIAN turpentine.
guy: What's the difference? We only carry those. *shrugs*
tsu: Can you ask someone else please?
guy: No no no! Turpentine is turpentine! *walks off*

*presses repeat*
Please repeat that scene at EVERY art supply shop I went to. EVERY.

Venetian Turpentine isn't really turpentine. It's a misnomer. It's actually a type of balsam (distilled essential oil) from the lurch tree. Not only that, it doesn't even LOOK like turpentine. Quote art glossary text: "A thick, very vicious honey-like exudation from the lurch tree used for glazing and varnishing." To be exact, it's used to make Rubens' glaze which consist of 3 part Damar Varnish, 2 part Linseed Stand Oil and 1 part Venetian turpentine.

Then finally I went Straits Commerical and ZOMG THE GUY HAS IT! He was so surprised though, because most of his clients for this product was usually 60+. In fact, he didn't even have any on hand and called down someone to bring it for me. He was like "wow, they're finally teaching students the old masters'. even most art teachers nowadays don't know what it is." That's true by the way. Singapore's art system is unfortunately geared towards modernism and progress, and usually they leave out what they consider "unimportant." Found this lovely hog's bristle brush with interlocked hairs ($8.10!!!) and decided - what the hell - bought both.

And I got a really *REALLY* good discount.
Considering Straits Commerical has a standardized 10% discount on all students - Poly, NAFA, JC or Private.

Venetian Turpentine $17 + brush $8.10 = $26.10
I only paid $23 for EVERYTHING!
That's like woah....a $4 discount.

Plus I met a really wellknown watercolourist there. You know the guy who paints SG harbour scenes that are printed on postcards? I met him there and he's this really old guy with a blue shirt looking for mixed varnish to package send to his friend. LOL. So funny.
wa-yanging in his black eyeliner and trying not to laugh then trimmed most of my prep work. Woohoo! I have too much prep! Isn't that amazing? (not really cos i draw big) I HAVE TOO MUCH PREP. LIKE TWO BOARDS' WORTH LEFTOVER HAH. Then went to Far East Flora with Clare to buy flowers' for Teachers' Day.

According to Clare, Gabriel likes the exact same types of flowers as I do. White and red roses. Aww crap man. It's like damn damned damnmination feeling.

Anyhow I still like my white roses, so I honestly don't care.

I love flowers.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:01 a.m.+

Geekdom

Listening to: Akuro no Oka

I have a new swearphrase: "You're so 1/16!" Because apparently, the common fraction ie. interger divided by a non-zero demoninator and is rational is also known as a vulgar fraction. Amusing heh? Courtesy of my sis.

It's like those Pantheon injokes that I used to indulge in zomg! Greeks' built crooked phallic columns that seem straight!.

So what I can I say?
I don't know anymore.

--------------

Just talking to myself lately. It's easier that way. Just talking without taking up anyone's time. Just listening to the blank spaces inside yourself - the mindless chatter of "Oh. Shit." and "Aw crap~~~" and "ZOMG". Automatic reactions from a reactive.

find a loophole within infinity
the edges of a mobius strip unwinding
living in every state of grey

To feel like sinking within yourself isn't a new experience. I guess it's just odd how easily I shift into it - unsociably frustrated. In a way, maybe it's a good thing I don't invest too much emotionally in school, if not I'll feel hurt that people are ignoring me just 'cause I'm grounchier than usual.

A stretched rubberband
Snap. Bounce back. Rebound.
-the sharp reminder-
Red welt on the wrist

Today wasn't brilliant but it wasn't horrible either. It's those days that drip to you like raw egg yolks - slimly and yellow and wet and sunny. A disgustingly sunny day. Topside, unfried, raw. You stare at it, into it. Notice the flecks of eggshell and embryotic fluid, the creamy golden yolk to be prodded with a curious finger only to find transparently sticky mucus. Egg white. Errghhh....
Floated by it like a poached egg in a salted whirlpool - wrapped in a cocoon of music and aimlessness, with the blank blur expression which I specialize into. Please don't see you; out of focus it should. Econs lecture, followed by consultation with Sng, then GP tutorial, Econs tutorial and my superbitchy CL B teacher.

I weep, I moan, I scream, I rage.

Boofrikkin'hoohoo.
My scarcasm scares me sometimes.
I should make a concentrated effort to be genki
*tap bounces*
*falls on bum*
Oops.

Then I had the shock of my life when they gave out the timetable and I saw that the Art Prelims was on the 21st Sept. To be exact about feelings: OH SHITLESS COWS!!! I panicked. I really really panicked. It was so frightening. My Art Coursework was due on the 27th Sept and ZOMG THEY WANT US TO DO PRELIM PREP AT THE SAME TIME TOO? ARE YOU SCREWIN' ME????!?!?!?

*diesdiesdies*

So after CL B (that bitch made me stay back, in which I vengefully wrote about horrible chinese teachers in my essay) I practically RAN to the art room to find Mrs Howarth because the ORIGINAL prelim date was 5th October (after coursework). SO!. Looked for her. Double checked and THANK GOD THEY GOT THE DATE WRONG. THANK THANK THANK THANK THANK GOD.

I need to study.
I have 3 books to finish reading.
I have GP Prelims on Thursday next week.
I just want to cry ;_;

Repeat after me:
Prelims is next week. Prelims is next week. Prelims is next week. Prelims is next week. Prelims is next week. Prelims is next week. Prelims is next week. FRIKKIN'HELL PRELIMS IS NEXT WEEK!!!!!

(i kinda promised not to swear on my blog yeah...)
(i do try. TRY.)

Econs tuition was okay. Crowded 156 as usual, thank goodness for discman. Do you know what are the joys of a discman? It allows you to pretend that these people are futher away from you physically than actually possible. It allows you a sembleance of a self as far as mentally and emotionally possible from someone pressing against you, an elbow jabbing on your waist, the damned TV Mobile noisily parading and that godawful man/woman yakking everyone's dirty laundry on the bloody Nokia.

Anyway Econs was tolerable. Tried not to sleep, drank 2 cups of tea and consumed a godawful amount of sugar. Feeling naseaous now. Ergh.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com