rewind

whirlwind trip of there and back again, and the feeling of too many faces pressed up in my eyes, the blinding smiles and blinding tears and aching cheeks all up at once.

hmmm how to start? saturday lunch was great, i miss wu tao gou and all the delicious foodssssss~~~ then friday dinner with audy and we ate SO MUCH SASHIMI and SANMA SASHIMI IS THE BEST<3333 and we ate natto tempura and this sushi tuna-thing too which had egg on it~~~~~~*__________* soooooooo good *drools* must go back next time and eat more.

then I tried sea salt caramel icecream and it was supernice (tastes like milky buttersotch!) and sat on the bridge just talking and catching up until 11.30pm<333 I think the best feeling in the world is like that - just being comfortable and not worrying about what other people think and it feels like I've never left and everything is warm and safe again.

the dinner itself was kinda boring/crappy. stoned as much as i could while taking care of yi-lin, and ignored all the 'ooooooohhh you're doing art' expressions. it's just frustrating how no matter how hard you work they think 'art=easy way out' d00de that is SO. NOT. TRUE. *teenage accent* anyway it's over thank god and the amount of lolworthy photos are truly lolworthy dad dancing LOL LOL LOL

the plane back was shitty and the food was crap and ARGH MY EARRING CAME OUT AGAIN!!!!1111 wtf wtf wtf man. ARGH. that's why i asked yien to secure it properly but nooooooooo mom had to loosen it and NOW I LOST THE BACK AGAIN WTF WTF so now i need to waste money and buy another pair of cheap earrings FOR THE BACK. fuck lah ARGHHHHHHH

then landed, picked up mah SUPAAAAAAAA-heavy suitcase and realized my apartment has no lifts. FUCK. i was cursing and swearing and finally lifted the damned thing out of sheer spite and morning-grouchyness. didn't even bother changing, picked up my bag and left for uni to scan negatives. i scanned the first part in, but i'm 1000000xxx sure i have another 100000000xxx more to scan. oh, they might let me do 3rd year photography which is great and cool but i can't let my hopes go too high knowing how rigid the arts. faculty is.

okay sleepytime<3

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:31 a.m.+

patroitism

I'm back in singapore btw - apparently it's really glamorous to fly in for 4 days and fly out again (or so my brother says) but what most magazines don't mention about jetsetting is the acclimization sickness, the woozy headaches, how you have to endure 8+hrs of buttcrunching sitting on the plane and the general shitty state when you step off. Stylish I am NOT. I do not feel cool at all, all I want is a week of sleep and trying to get my body and brain back in the same location and country.

That said, my family is nutty on the whole so I don't even know how to start. Maybe I can start with: I hate formal dinners. Or: 'I hate formal dinners where I have to smile and look interested and rub shoulders with rich, annoyingly self-satisfied people who drive big cars and abuse their maids and have 14 year old mistresses.' Yeah, that sounds about right. There's going to be a whole lot of rich, nutty people in the room whom I would have to shake their greasy palms and speak cantonese to and who'll smile indulgently when I say I study art and give me that expression while I bite my tongue back and try not to roll my eyes.

I always feel like I'm being a whiny emo-teenager when I complain about my family. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to either side because we're rich AND poor at the same time. It's hilarious. One moment I'm picking a Porsche with my dad and thinking of buying a plane, the next moment I'm deciding which brand of eggs is cheaper in the supermarket. When people talk about having divorced parents, I bet they never considered having divorced lives........it's like a spilt personality syndrome waiting to happen.

It's just so fucking ugly. It never never never turns out well.

Other than the annoying bit, I'm happy to be back. I haven't seen my brother for a year, and it's great to catch up with everyone even though I have so little time. I'm glad to see my real family again and make dumb jokes, listen to techno music and eat lots of strawberry shortcake. It's them who makes the 8hrs++, the shitty formal dinner and all that ugliness worth it.

I'm not looking forward to meeting dad though ARGH.

So kids, the moral of the story is: don't have too many children, stay away from family businesses and ignorance is bliss. If money falls from the sky, just smile, pick some to pay the rent and leave the rest fucking alone.

the country isn't the government

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:50 a.m.+

quicktime

- OMG I GOT 36/40 FOR MY FRENCH TEST. Je peux parler français!
- tres faime after french, and ate ONE WHOLE PIZZA and a cake. mmmmmmm~~~ food~~~
-got my film from vanbar's, aya's photo is saved! :D I lost the lighthouse multiples though, damn.
- gave Jiawei a haircut in the toilets of melb. central. HILARIOUS. I think they thought we were smoking pot since we hogged the mother's nappy room (just squatted on the floor and cut hair) and guess what? SHE ACTUALLY LIKED THE CUT I GAVE hahahahaha
-had cereal for dinner
-packed shit and napped

SEE YOU IN SG TMR. STINGRAY DINNERRRRRRRRRRRR!<3

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:37 a.m.+

slide

I'm sitting here eating a hunk of half-assed cooked terayaki beef with cold tofu after dumping half a pot of rotten rice down the sink. the stench of it is sweet and weird and vaguely sickening, but i can't bring myself to care overmuch.

late for creative writing......on purpose. it's not that i detest the subject, but i find it really difficult to talk about it. i find it hard to talk about anything serious, especially if its something i care deeply about.

today was frightening. we learnt about personification (*yawn* been there done that) and so the class exercise was to write on the pompeii, with one of the three POVs: the city, a person on a street or the volcano. i couldn't decide and skipped the 'where to' to 'what i like' and then we had to take turns to read aloud what we wrote.

i hate hate hate that
i was so scared i couldn't even read without shaking

anyway i just wrote something pretty basic, and i never realized how particular i was about writing until i started to write. i hate writing in public. i hate writing with other people. i hate writing without music. so class exercises tend to bring out the worst in me, which is kinda iffy.....in any case, i managed to churn out something relatively decent, even though it was the kind of thing i'll never post to blog because it didn't even meet my blogging requirements.

remember you were once
beautiful
marble alabaster and gold
your winding lanes and pebbled streets
wrapped with pretty girls
and pretty houses, row after row

remember you were once
beautiful
in dawn, noon and twilight
when the sunrise worshipped your feet
and sunset struck blazing light
bathing you in brilliant rose

remember you were once
beautiful
and all the rain turned to
ash

so anyway i didn't think too much of it but when my turn came no one spoke. really. no comments. not good comments, not bad comments - NO comments at all. not even the tutor spoke a word. it was the most awkward silence ever which lasted for a good few seconds with everyone looking strangely at me until someone gave a halfcough, and then they acted like it never happened and that i never said anything.

it just felt so fucking weird.

do i really distrub people so much?

then afterwards someone asked me 'how did you come up with it?' which, i think is the stupidest question ever. how do you come up with something? you just do. i don't walk around going 'oh that is gonna make me come up with something'. ideas are like shitting - it comes in farts and bursts and never at an apporiate time. and when the push comes to the shove, you just sit THERE in constipated agony. i didn't say: 'that's a stupid question' because she was trying and being sincere, so i tried to explain that it's like a reflex action - the way you walk, breathe, eat, sleep. no one tells you how to do it, you just do

i dunno...i don't really like the idea that my personal self is distrubing to other people, because does that make me unacceptable? i write more truthfully than i speak, so does it mean that my 'real' self is frightening to others? there was no reaction. just a lingering sense of awkwardness, as though i had said something shameful. i swear, even if my entire poem was fuckity fucker fuck in all its noun adverb and adjectival forms i would've at least gotten a better response than this

it just makes it so much harder

it doesn't help that on monday for photography that postgrad from latrobe was messing with my negatives and stuff. i left it out on the scanner because i was going to talk to the tutor, and she picked it up and flicked through my photos (i thought it was honestly rude, but i don't like picking fights at 9am in the morning) and despite all her claims of liking 'experimental photography' and dissing commercialism she didn't even know how to do a multiple exposure on a holga (even though she was using medium format film and saying she owned a holga wtf) i tend to avoid people like that, people who take themselves too seriously. it's pretentious and slightly insincere to me, because we ALL KNOW that fame and success means a compromise to commercialism. no need to bitch like a celebrity about it.

:( :( :(

anyway i'm going to be home soon to family and audy and i can't wait! i even bought extra film today to prepare and all my 35mm negatives are processed (all 300+ frames) the only shitty part was that the ilford B/W was crossprocessed on C-41 and somehow the fucking film MELTED (and turned pink) DDDDDDDD: no photos!! ah well, lesson learn. Illford + C-41 = NO NO NO

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:25 p.m.+

now i'm looking for another song

delirious. i feel deliriously happy - a real true happiness that spilled like string theory and music and that's it isn't it? the harmony of living. i can feel it thrumming in my fingertips when i keep flipping the pen over and over again click after click on ballpoint. it's annoying, but i can't stop. i feel this beat and rhythm and damnit; i'm in love

i love photography

i love the feel of processing film, i love scanning the negatives and i'm even beginning to like the reddish glow of darkroom lamps - so silent and freaky now a comfortable lamplight of rosyness as i watch; awestruck as the paper begins to darken and lines form and burn and out of nothing - the image forms

it's just so easy to love it. it's easy because it's guilt-less, i don't need to be good to be a photographer. anyone can take photographs. all you need is a camera. i don't need to worry about being better/worse at taking photos because they can be fun and silly and smart and everything and that's the best part isn't it? i hold a moment in my hand, this snapshot of frozen time and now, there's a way to capture sunlight with glass lenses and darkened lights. flashed love.

i guess the best part of the trip was learning about photography. not just learning in a i-know-about-exposure-shutter-apecture way, but like ooo! pretty thing! lets' snap! :D and climbing over rocks with two cameras dangling off my neck and changing my film on the beach. the last was hilarious though, jiawei was like: 'wtf u so slow what age are you in? most people switch to digital!'

i think i feel more comfortable with heidi than with johnboy though....johnboy is a bit more fiddly to use, because of the exposure meter and polarizing filters i installed etc etc wheras heidi is just f-stop, snap! and wind up. interestingly enough, the film for heidi is more expensive than johnboy, 'cause heidi uses 120mm film while johnboy uses 35mm. it makes a LOT of difference.

hahaha i think i'm just biased. i just like using heidi because my photos usually turn out well on her and my tutor has be zomg!love over my lomography photos....i feel like i'm not really working very hard though -_-;;;; like maybe i should be putting more effort! cannot be satisfied with my first shots! :/

so umm back to the trip. day one was pretty rough. jiawei was LATE for the train wtf and i ended up in anglesea about 2hrs before her (which was a good thing because i hadn't eaten). the weather was crap. cold, penerating drizzle that lasted the entire day and made the winds whiplash and waves rise like a storm. then we got stuck on a sand-dune around 93w and my arse was cold and then we saw a rainbow and god - all i can think of is jumbled images: aireys' inlet looking like silent hill and the tilted lighthouse and the beach and long endless shore and golden sunlight and everything like a mass of christmas tinkles, floss and jigsaw lights.

went to watch apres lui then i bought the FOURTH book in the blood trilogy thing. crap man, i didn't even know they had a fourth book and ZOMG AWESOME I LURVES. am happy and feel 16.

sleepy now

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:22 a.m.+

hotel mecury

all is left is noise

he's standing at the doorway; this man in a bear suit playing these sweet sad songs of lucy and skies and diamonds falling out her hair (or was it the tears in her eyes?). hotel mercure. i noted. the sugar has melted on my lips and the crossiant is long finished but i can't forget - i can't forget the name or the place or the man standing at the corner even as i drive away such things with needless distractions and the static of the tv plays on and on : music of paid advertisements and the surfacing of......thoughts.

i thought of the glass menagerie while washing dishes today. i dump the dishes in the sink, wash it over with warm water and let it swill carelessly as it splashes and fuck - it goes over and all on the floor. can you imagine it? i can't stop thinking. it eats me alive, crawling under my skin like a yellow fever - feverish fever of demon despair mixed with spiraling restlessness. i want to leave but i can't; each nail is the coffin drives it further and further in. this is sweetness. this is cruelty. this is love

i spit the word out like i hate it but hate is
hate is only but a mirror

some days i just can't do it. some days it's as though the world is like a flower; a mysterious pattern of glorious enlightenment and everywhere it feels like music; this special harmony of natural being that brings such joy and life and as aspect after aspect unfurls i'm just in awe....awe at the beauty of existing and then comes the dark days where i just can't pull myself out of and the demons that chase me come night after night and all i have for company are haunted thoughts and ghosts.

call me supersitious, but today i saw ghost wind at elizabeth street. shocked, all i could do was watch. 3 years into the future and i can still hear the words whispered in my ear: why ghost wind is full of ghosts, how it spirals upwards with autumn leaves and that low mournful sound of someone. someone in september

it breaks me, to think like this. i rail against the illogic of emotions and sequester my panic with the determination of mundanity. I cannot lose to emotions and dreams and i just can't - i just can't break down. i'm not 14 anymore. i'm not 16. i can do this. i will do this. at any cost

sometimes i long so much for contact, some kind of human touch and skin and flesh and the grasp of it; unbelievably so. the reassurance that i'm -there- and not going to disappear, the reconfirmation of existence

i need shojo manga bubbles and smut

my brain feels like fuzzballs and pingpongs and there's a pinball galatic battle going on - who's going to win now? the sleeper that sleeps is rising awake, shifting sands inverted and the hourglass is respun back to place - upside inside down

i remember a fairytale. a paperbook.
where is it now?
a mystery, a maze

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:50 a.m.+

tired

making hats for etoile is hard work
doesn't help that it's easter now and all the shops are closed

friday went out with jiawei to roll on botanic gardens then duck rice at Pacific. we just ordered half a roast duck and started eating it and jiawei was like: wah, you eat so clean. hahahahaha old habits die hard, especially when they've been caned ingrained in you.

then saturday i went to clegg's to pick up supplies for the hat/clip and yes, all the shops were closed. imagine in singapore, a public holiday where ALL THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED...i think there'll be a riot or something. even funnier is that it's illegal to open for business on a holiday and you can get fined 10,000aud for doing so. i can't see that happening in singapore anytime soon LOL especially since we pride ourselves in efficency and pragmatisim instead of whether everyone has a day off or not. ahhhhh the power of unions

NTUC not counted :P

started cutting up the felt and measuring the size. although i was going to make a mini-hat, i didn't really want it to be too small especially since we were going for the OTT look. In the end i settled for 9cm radius/18cm diameter, roughly 2/3 the size of a full hat. I really didn't want the accessories from the etoile line, considering they were damned overpriced even if it *was* cute. cute doesn't stop it from being overpriced though :/

still planning for both trips; the ballerine peinsula one and the singapore one. tired. kyaaaa~~ also excited, but mostly tired. so much assignment to finish, then i have a test on the day i come back (after a gruelling 8hr flight) and deadlines in 4 days D: hopefully i can complete as much as i can out of the way first before the deadline, or at least get the test shots done

okay going to sleep now

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:42 a.m.+

c'est freezepop!

elle est parlez-vous freezepop!

Euro-electropop has struck again, complete with airy sythesizers and accordian remixs and incomprehensible accents. I know it's trashy like the way Effiel 95 is trashy and techno , but for some reason I've never grown out of my obsession with electropop or synthesizers starting from TWO-MIX all the way to Indochine. l'horreux

Anyway the french test went well, surprise surprise. The composition section was relatively do-able, with everyone writing Il y a ..... although I made several mistakes spelling quarante as quatrante D: oops?

Scarily busy the past few days - quick summary: Saturday, hot. Sunday, even hotter. Monday, cooked alive. Basically the weather had a strange heatwave for the past three days, and then cooled down to a more normal 17-27 degrees <3. It's just really hard to concentrate on anything when it's too hot, and mostly stayed indoors and lived off tofu and greentea icecream while trying to memorize genders of nouns. Non!

Sunday was fritzroy gardens meet for fotoholics, I think I mentioned it briefly? Pretty boring...Monday was just hot, then ended up in the Korean Grocery eating icecream and watching people and laughing at our French textbook which was full of weirdness; there was a piece we were supposed to translate as homework and it was a breakup letter from a girl (Juilette) to her bf (Stephane) and it went something like: c'est stupide et pathetique......sous pretentions,...du mal HAHAHAH only a french textbook would teach you the language of d'amour and non amour LOLZ

ahhhh I forgot to comment on Monday morning, we had the darkroom workshop and it was really fun...there's something magical about seeing your photos being developed and the whiteness darkening across like lines. I got my laptop colour calibrated as well as well as booked a tripod for my trip. Then watched the Scientology episode of South Park and went for Creative Writing which was okay. I dunno, I had a lot of expectations for CW and it's a lot more wishywashy and boring than I expected. Last week's clusterfuck poem didn't really change my expections of how dodgy it was. I could probably submit crap and still come out with a passing mark

but really
today was beautiful

the weather makes me happy. I like it cool and maybe even cold, with dangerously rude breezes that may flip up my skirt and the sharp kiss (trible) of wind on my cheek and how it looks like when it catches on my hair - up like fans brushing on my shoulders and the cold of fingers fumbling on locks. keys.

I walked to buy film for camera, fiddling and talked to Les and....I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like I love the world enough to care, sometimes I feel like it's not an oppression of people; no earthenware bowl overarching but an embracing sky. Went to Rowden White library and read up on art and painters and maybe maybe the fallowing is over - come sunrise and sweetness and flowering and the cold dark days of castle and trial ends, ends tonight today tomorrow

and the forgotten names come rising from dusty memories
the facedown books is lifted and kissed, the doors spring open and let loose random thoughts and ink scrawled messages and a shorthand is familiar once more to bring pictures to words and words back bouncing

i feel alive

yet somehow, i keep wondering how long this will last

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:36 p.m.+

red hankerchief by the pier

the pattern hangs like a flocked velveteen foilage overlaid in grey as the lace fades into nothingness, bleeding into a lack of colour. risokatta, only the arms that held kitten-soft sugar brown hair, honeyed lips and bones until the red hankerchief is fluttered by the pier.

fact this fiction

blending, i hear waves.

there is something deliciously wonderful about being drowsily awake, the incandescent light shines like a glowing star on skin, brushing highlights like paint until the world melds into a cocoon of peaches and cream and gold and ah - maybe that's how it looks like, a body in autumn. hold the season into yourself, burning irradiance spilling forth in soft skinned limbs.......soft skinned light

underneath this glow, i can believe in anything.
underneath this.....there is incomprehensible meaning.
lick your lips, the air is dry and thoughts
flow like honey and bacteria

it feels like being taken alive

rene magritte. i thought of him today, and he would come and ask: 'quel est ton...?' and sigh, place the bowler hat on my head and walk away, a stairway of conformity clouds. 2-dimensional. his voice is like skylights and sadness.

summer clings on, a deaden summer resisting autumn. faded browns, dirty greens and lurid yellows. cling cling cling like mr cellophane but with more heat. no more is the glorious beauty of an evening summertime, just the death of grass and slient crickets and no more 'i love yous' under drunken lightbulbs that casting fairy dust.

i have a memory.
of
squid boats suspended in neither
sky nor sea
rounded lamps of wil'o'wisps hanging
starboard
mirroring star-sea-star-sky-not
and green tails
light; reflected [on glass] slipping past, so quietly gliding
on
such captured boats
in ink. in
infinity

sometimes i feel like i'm such-and-such a person, a such-and-such a person that needs, needs so badly like want like desire like love; to press up against another such-and-such person and blend and sink and press myself on you in you against you until i know everything and nothing and it's just like that - yes, become another me. another you. another such-and-such a person

to know what it feels to be another
and feel

sinking inside, what would flesh feel like? imagine. presenting the skin; elastic and firm and soft. the epidermial barrier of rectangular cells, so to push against it until it bends and snaps and lets me into the next: muscle and fat. fat which sucks and drowns, hold your beathe and relax.....deep dive past firm muscle, glided and sinewy to touch and the gothicism of white bones and somewhere somewhere

i would find you.

are you distrubed? do you ever imagine; to hold someone so close that i could blend into you, press into you become you? ah. such-and-such a person. like you. like me. what we could all be. what we are.

everything is everything else

bended, folded. origami-like. lie fallow, the sleeping child that never awakens and a hungry soul peering in; trapped in wanderlust and wonderlike never to find home. how do you cross the windows? who will wake the sleeping child and let them find...........find what?

mmmmm make a landscape, fold it like origami and then you get zillions of dimensions. inksplattered and line-drawn and smudged

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+

sunburnt

I feel burnt like a hotdog left out in the sun for too long; lips dry and skin slightly too warm to touch. I had a hat, an umbrella and SPF 50 but my cheeks still feel tight and vaguely uncomfortable but ah well...

Fotoholics' meet today and then I realized something very very important, which is that I don't like to take photography with other people. I like walking around on my own and taking my own time with photographs instead of tagging around with others...pis'toy estoil qua

Sometimes I just feel making an effort to be social is so pointless, because I don't really care about it so why am I forcing myself to enjoy being with others? I guess part of me still hopes to find someone I like (male/female/whatever) and it's worth going for pointless meetups for it.

The 40 C weather is making me crankier than usual....
*crankygrumblepout*

Only person I met and liked was Geoffrey, the french Math PhD'er who's pretty good actually. Later went off to take loli-in-park photos and most of them turned out pretty well I think (except for the last few when I was tired and he was tired). That reminds me, French test this Wednesday cannot be late

Went off for dinner at Mekong, then walked over to Lonsdale, St Jermone's for drinks and got picked up by 2 guys in an hour *amused* I wonder how many sailor-uniform-jailbait fantasies was I fulfuilling today?

My room smells like beer :/ Jiawei spilled half a bottle of it on my bag, but at least it dried. It doesn't stop my nobuta bag from smelling like Asahi SuperDry though.....didn't drink any beer, I don't really like the taste and had a tequila with lemon instead.

Kinda dazed, quite tired. Yesterday I did so much housework my arms hurt - vaccumed my room and the living room, washed bearbear as well as 1 months' worth of laundry and hanging. It doesn't help that bearbear isn't dry yet, and I find it harder to sleep without him :x ahhhhhhh! seems like I haven't grown out of him yet...bearbear hurry up dryyyy! I need hugs :(

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:25 p.m.+

questionable guidence; parental content

I'm not-quite-sure if the smartest way of learning French is to listen to French pop on loop but luckily enough audiography is having a francophile theme which I'm making full use of :P

It's so hot lately, today was 38-40 degrees and I could feel my plastic slippers frying on the hot ground, the road practically steaming and the wind was actually hot. Ah well, at least if I wash laundry on Saturday it'll dry quicky

Latest addiction: Beachball by R.E.M
It's such a frozen strawberry daiquiri + umbrella song

Planned a trip to Airey's Inlet lighthouse, then to Anglesea and Queenscliff. I'm really excited and happy to get away - I really need it. Melbourne city feels so stifling and dull and samestill and it gets to me far more than it should....ah well, getting away is good once in a while. Plus, lighthouses! cliffs! seaside! and and and.....play with camera!!

Schoolwork seems to be trudging along fine (except for dyslexic french spelling URGH URGH URGH I CANNOT SPELL) I keep thinking of the time I was in primary school and mom would tuck the weekly spelling test in the front of the car and on my way to CCA/ballet class/whatever she would make me study and recite it back to her. I'm guessing if not for that my grammer and spelling would be even more atrocious than it is now....

Went home after picking up a few summer nessescities: green tea icecream, packets of tofu, clothing hangers and waffle cookies. It's really REALLY strange because I usually hate green tea icecream but I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT it during summer. I won't eat it in any other season. I don't even touch that stuff in Singapore even if people offered me free scoops because it tastes like bathwater and foamed soap D: but here....I can finish an entire carton (as in, 16 sticks) in a week. I particularly like the korean brand ones, because they're slightly creamier but the japanese kinako+matcha flavour is AWESOME<3

I eat really differently here too, it's like a wacko tastebud change or something. I don't eat candy here, I don't like their gummies or chews or jellies nor do I really like their biscuits either (I get mine off the korean grocery down the street) Mostly I snack on frozen seedless grapes, tofu and Lindt dark chocolate eggs (it's easter) and my dinner is usually The Primal Soup - a surefire soup reciepe that lasts for WEEKS AND WEEKS and is faithfully re-made every single week.

The Primal Soup was a concept that I came up with one really hot afternoon when I had to buy groceries and then I was really pissed. It was too hot to do grocery shopping, but vegetables have to be restocked every 3 days for freshness. Nessescity being the mother of invention (or in this case, sheer laziness) I thought of a gaurenteed reciepe base which had LOTS of vegetables and I could keep for a couple of weeks and maybe even months.

So what is it made of? Basically, anything that isn't green. Dutch baby carrots by bunch ($1.94 for 6), leek, onion, potatoes, mushroom, corn and peas. Chop the entire lot and stirfry it, then seperate it into containers then chuck it into the freezer. All you need is 2 scoopfulls and some ikan bilis for a decent tasting instant soup which can be jacked up with: more mushrooms, ham, bacon, minced pork, egg etc etc So as long as you have the basic frozen veg portions, you can make anything

It's really healthy and tastes pretty good too :D
The only problem is the inital chopping of all the ingrediants which can be a bit of a pain.

Then met up with Jiawei at 8pm to watch Cat Power at The Forum which is the tackiest building ever. TACKIEST. It's like Las Vegas, Vatican souveneir shop and Nouveau Riche all at once. It's so kitschy and tacky it almost becomes cool.......Even now I can't decide whether it's cool, or just the ugliest building I've ever seen.

Not a bad concert, drank some cheap ale and the world's worst tasting chips (pepper and lime) which strangely enough - is the staple flavour of mudfest/drama too. Maybe arts people can't live without their magherita fix that they need it in chips too? Anyway those chips are awful.....it's just that flavour though, the same brand makes awesome capsicum and tomato chips as well as onion and bbq ones.

Anyway tomorrow's expected to be 38 degrees, and most likely I'll be hiding at home, revising french, surfing internet and mindlessly reading akame p0rn reading up for photography. I have a photography meet on Sunday too...hopefully it won't be as hot.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:34 a.m.+

gravitation

i wonder how many
stages
can be set for heartbreak

if, perhaps you tilt your head back and let your hair fall on your shoulders (smooth strands and choppy ends) with your mouth open and throat bobbing - something strangely seductive about eating the sky, the column of neck, exposed skin. then think of the same time you held a pen with the words jammed under your throat and fingers chewed to quick and the ink-knob runs hard and choppy to knot and words unfurl themselves painfully

like

the tigers have come and i -
do not care

it's almost 4, i have class at 11 and i don't know. i feel restless and shifty and tsu-like; and restless and shifty even in tsu-form as though my skin doesn't quite fit me properly anymore and i need a new one. bursting. tangled and sweet and tangerine, like gelato blends made with water and it tastes alright, that's right we'll be alright and somehow.......

i hope tomorrow won't be so hot.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:36 a.m.+

garlicflavouredsoda

earphones are drilling my
numbskull'ed; zombie eyes look blindly
[hello my valetine sex toy]
and down down down came over the sea
at all;
[so good]
the screen never blinks
so quietly, it rises
down down down came over
the sea
such a rising tide

I'm so tired today. Went to all my classes, settled my creative writing tutorial FINALLY (apparently i'm popular with the dept. even before i know them, do i sense a pattern?) and stoned in a greasy indian takeaway joint studying french: le pundet, le bonne mainieres, le francios headswimmingly filled with engendered verbs, skulling each mouthful in an expelling of a grunt. AH. UH. MM. OH. ARGH. language is only fun when someone else is studying with you, but thankfully jiawei is suffering with me so it makes it a bit less painful....except for my dyslexic spelling.

ambled down to the university bookshop - like ghosts or mosquitoes, we continually haunt the place for our undelivered text. trust me, you don't know what misery is until NEXT WEEK is your french test and you don't have a textbook yet. ça va mal..... *grumbles* so I'm just copying my notes now, hopefully somehow I'll be able to magically pronounce/spell everything perfectly by next Wednesday.

that reminds me, jiawei and i are planning a roadtrip down to Philip Bay towards Great Ocean. She wants to take gorgeous landscapes, I just want to get away (beautiful places are merely a plus). i need time off - scraggy rocks and bushland and a lighthouse with dark clouds looming in daylight and distant sound of crashing waves as she/i runs across the fields her/my straw hat flying in the breeze with gentle grass whipping across her/my legs. come on distant dream, come on and be real

on a more realistic sense, i'm doing most of the planning though. train down geelong then to marshall and then anglesea, from anglesea a bus back to marshall and to queenscliffe from queenscliffe we're taking a ferry across (stop to see penguins!) to sorrento then from sorrento to mornington peinsula.

play dead
and the scary monster under the bed (yoursmineours)
will go
away

back to school. what to say? creative writing is A level lit with more leeway, and loads of pretentious bullshit. it was so bullshitty i actually blushed with stupidity. how awesome is that? anyway i wrote some clusterfuck of a poem, which made me lol and my seating partner (gavin) lol as well. seriously pretentious, so much so i was bored enough to doodle.

then coffee/chai at castro's and toasties at ian potters

Toasties are the best things on earth in the late morning/noon. They're like the dream breakfasts your mom never made, the kind that appears in kraft cheese advertisements with a glass of Sunkiss orange juice and jingly happy music behind with lots of white people and white smiles. Basically toasties are closest to the Best Thing On Earth I might eat everyday and we spent the next 3 hours stoning at Ian Potters and idealizing the Perfect Toastie.

but what is a toastie anyway?

Two pieces of large, thickly sliced rye bread buttered at both sides with smokey ham and fresh crunchy-sweet tomatoes with melted cheese toasted to perfection....the first crunch of a mouthful and a burst of watery sweet vegetable and salty ham with a hint of black pepper as the butter drips down your fingers and you lick it - glorious. Simply elegant

thus, i dedicate:

breakfast at potter's
is ham, cheese, tomato and toast
between classes
hungry snatches of captured
mouthfuls; savoured
moments
like the foam on the chai latte
(painted white mustache of happiness)

-------

The Idealized Toastie:
Is smoked ham and dry bacon sliced thinly
nestled in fresh sweet tomatoes, cold
warmed in the inside with melted guyere cheese bubbled
to perfect crispy toast
and a side accompainment:
a rocket salad
(how a big mac would aspire to be)

I'm pretty sure I could eat them any hour of the day. I'll like them for breakfast with milk and nothing else. I'll like them for lunch with fried bacon and scrambled eggs and rocket salad. I'll like them for dinner dipped in warm soup and stew in front of the computer/telly with my feet up. I'll like them for supper, on miserable cold winter days with the wind screaming outside shut windows.

*rambles*
oooo! look! toastie!
sounds so cute right?

bought another book. e.e cummings's travelouge on soviet russia, he writes notes like the way i do - they make sense on an instinctive level, not on a structured one. i like EIMI though, a bit pretentious (it's ok, he's a poet) but nonetheless very good. very good for days my brain feels like a zoomzoomzoom vaccum

strangers from another town

i need a bath, then i'm going to curl up with cummings and have some sexytime.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:40 p.m.+

melted

went to watch paranoid park (same director as elephant) and it was pretty similar - mini crime & punishment scenerio but what I liked best was the soundtrack and the amazing use of camera pans/under-angles. interesting development at the idea of 'language' too....will talk more about it tomorrow. oh yeah, finished Spook Country by william gibson as well, bigend (from pattern recognition) reappears as well as blue ant; pretty typical gibson stuff especially with the use of combi-technology. it seems like his trademark in SF

got my timetable fixed and i have a sekeret agreement with the creative writing fac. that i don't need to attend lectures since it clashes with exp. photog....the lecturer seemed pretty impressed by my book knowledge (probably 'cause i could recognize the stench of kafka a mile away) but it was kinda deliberate....i knew that if i demostrated enough competency they're more likely to waiver me off the lectures and not make me change subjects. i guess it helped that i was wearing my storybook skirt too :D

ok, gotta sleep. i have a lecture at 10am tmr, as well as a tute at 2pm...AHHHH UNI LIFE IS STRESSFULLLLLL OOOOOHHH PIMPLESS!!!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:39 a.m.+

unclear sound

Bennett's Lane again, jazz. I like jazz the way I used to like direngrey, because the music speaks like yurameki to me and frame after frame floats in my mind until I close my eyes at the assult: begin to see again. Like that, each stroke of the cellist is a sunset setting over a blue mustang on Utah mountains with your arms full of a dying someone in a deaden moonscape of alien rocks and the light bleeds like a great sad egg yolk. The second pluck of the double bass comes with the softest sigh that comes from a haunted man who sits under harsh green flourescent light who has missed the last train, with only cold regrets for company.

and the soft swish-hit-beat-cymbals-swish of drums....
macabre
to remember something, it comes back and there again
does it remember?
the bones do, even if the skin doesn't
this body remembers an angel's tale
and a special kind of music
that you close your eyes to open
and dance to
only in your mind

Jazz that sounds like landscapes to me, backwards and forwards in sidesteps the moth that flies past is brown and quiet and caught in velveteen green curtains and red dresses and brown wood and somehow somehow it is like the same time I first heard her sing like that party when I was 15 and it sounded the same - slow, seductive and blue .

it changes everything, but only impercipitabily
who can know, what such a change means after all?

caught up in the reverie, I start listening again. dir en grey. pierrot. l'arc en ciel. I chase after that old feeling, but it gains new complexity which I don't quite understand.....frustrating.....but new. this unclear sound, comes distantly and filled with static and far far even though it's as loud as I can make it

how tender these feelings is
so sliently they grow
such poisonous fruits they breed
only to blossom -
bursting white asters swaying to glow
in the dark mist of your
hidden heart

ah. class tomorrow.
abientot

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:28 a.m.+

en point part cinq

i think you know you've reached the end
all end; land's end
when even JE songs make you feel like crying

+tsu waited for you at 03:36 a.m.+

comet

sometimes i wonder, if the chalk and the cheese were reversed and the tale that begins at endings must always be tragic.

i think of comets
metoer showers
raining stars
floating men
falling and -
the burn

*restless*

i really don't take things well

it feels like it sometimes: dulled, endless toiling for an unknown purpose that everyone wants to pursue. sometimes i wonder if i can even have any dreams left, because all i see are nightmares and hallucinations

does that make me a very bitter person?

no, it's not about bitterness. to be bitter you need to feel a certain kind of malicious anger, but i just feel dry and empty. dry like parched throats and scorched earth and flowers with brown tongues hanging limply from wilting stems. i just don't feel anything anymore

today i just couldn't take it
i took a train all the way to the end
just because i could, just because it did
i took it ally the way to west couborg....50km away.
but still
not far enough

i sat at the tram stop for hours and everywhere around me was fields and golf courses and random people and just fields and fields of fields. if i looked up it would the field of blue with flowered clouds, down below is scamp grass and dirt fields and the distant sound of ringing trains passing echo like the hollowness i feel. drained and empty it comes knocking round and round my skin and soul up to my teeth and just sitting there with my sock-covered feet in the sun

the wind doesn't feel cold enough anymore
cold - burning cold that kills everything in the way

i walked home yesterday night - dressed in a miniskirt and t-shirt in 10 degree weather because i wanted to feel cold, to let it wash over me until i felt chilled and sick but that was fine too, because at least i was alive

not empty.
not.

i have done nothing
that is what hurts the most.
i did nothing
and it still haunts me.
no i feel.........
like sometimes
i just shouldn't exist anymore, being such an impure state.

i remember trying to explain to someone, and then even after explaining i felt that there was so much else left to say that couldn't be put into words and even though she talked about thailand and i...i talked my own it was an understanding born of misunderstanding, y'know? painful. sharpnel still under the skin, aching in movement.

it's times like this i feel i don't deserve to be alive
i have no desire at all, except a vague regret if i die
if you were to ask
i would merely shrug

i think.....this realization came when i didn't care about painting anymore. i haven't painting in a record 6 months, and haven't felt the urge to paint at all. i haven't drawn anything besides doodles, or looked at art besides the generic lolita ones. i look, i critique emotionlessly and leave without touching. i think maybe for once, my family might have won.

everything is ending. how?
not a whimper, not a bang
just a sad question hanging

i feel so tired. sellout-tired. emotionally-tired. i hate me yesterday, i hate me the day before and now i wonder how long it can keep coming before i just give in........

and stop writing.
and cease existing.
here. now. hello. goodbye. forever. repeat loop.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:50 a.m.+

worn out places

complication. complexities. consignment.
no tomorrows parties

what a strange week. day before yesterday was just a mess - internet drama exploding on to lifescreen, a whiff of china and desaturated words hanging: flashback; 200 years, 2000 months and there and back again. rice paddy fields and the devil shakes your hands. puppet story begins all over again.

then meeting sheyane whom i thought was a cute guy but was actually a girl(!) and thus, 10 years of convent education has been totally wasted on oblivious me. SERIOUS. I WAS QUESTIONING MY SEXUALITY AND GOD AND ALMOST WISHED THE GROUND WOULD OPEN AND SWALLOW ME. jiawei of course, laughed in my agony. she was like: 'the whole point of a convent education is a course of queer theory on butches, girlcrushes and graduating lesbians.' D: D: D: nooooooooooooooooooooooooo my age of innocene has been corrupted!!!!

then today, experimental photography which was fun and awesome and made a few friends: Anna, the postgrad from LaTrobe and George, the exchange student from UC Davies. anyway most of them don't know how to use basic photoshop, so the first few classes is devoted to: 'can you use photoshop? do you know how to operate a camera?' as well as those pesky things known as contemporary VS modern photography (we're skipping post modernism YAY!). so far so good though, quite happy

french is hard but fun, and we're totally at a disadvantage because even though everyone's supposed to start on the same level we don't actually.....the australians usually already know the basic stuff and cramming 4 years' worth of secondary-school level french is really demanding. on the other hand, it's totally fun! hahaha i have so much fun in the class laughing at my own atrocious accent LOLZ

the tutes for creative writing/intro to mediacommn haven't started yet though, so i'm hopeful that it'll be good next week. HOPEFULLY. media/comn sounds absolutely boring though *yawn*

just kinda tired because school's started....
so much to do, don't really feel like it
hmmm bath, fics and sleep?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:16 p.m.+

intersection: looking at another song

Jazz. just the sound of it is like backwards and blue, 3-2 3-2 3-2 counting slowly in your head with liquid trumpet in periodic orange blasts. slow burn and heat. sitting in the bar with baileys, ice melting slowly into milk forming a cold transparent layer of water floating above. you'll think of red velvet curtains and smooth voices and somehow, inexplicably - that landscape you never forgot in a dream 4 years ago with midnight sky and windswept hills and masks that grew on lalang grass and eating crab by a shack at the bottom while streetlamps peppered the dirt road. the coloured lightbulbs that glowed and danger sign hurdles and grabbing balloons to float

strange; it all comes back with a song
forget me; it's called
piano, double bass and swish of unbeaten drums.

turning 20 is like any other day; or maybe it's just a day that somehow got caught in the slot machine - God's own acrade with hearts and flowers and angels and sometimes you hit the genetic jackpot; or not. maybe you pulled it. maybe your parents pulled it. but all's said and done means that sometime in june my parents had sex and pulled that handle for a zygote.

wandered to the pier for coffee and chocolate until the stickybrown sweetness felt sickening, too much too sweet too dedacant. chewing made the saliva even thicker, coco a mass in the mouth. more coffee. more cream. the sun was hot and burned my neck, i took off the jacket wrapping it around my waist. stifled, i went home.

dinner with jiawei at mongolian bbq with sauce and salt and thankfully no sugar. an empty ballroom with stacks of frozen meat; all you can eat with a superbly effusive waitress and spring rolls from heaven. it felt odd, almost surreal until we were the only ones left in a place meant to fit a hundred. dingy and worn, but warm like a particularly fleabitten sofa that you don't feel like throwing.

and back to the bar again

i don't know what to think anymore, or what to blog. a day is not really a day - only events that come like cookie crumbles and feelings that stay. it seems to leave a kind of numbed wordlessness, as though too much to say is just as bad as too little. if i were to write my day, what would it be? a notation of events, but then what did i think of it? if i wrote what i thought, then the purpose of time/date becomes irrelevant.

i had a good birthday.

sometimes, curling up and blending in seems all that i can do. feel like a cat, move like one - rubbing all over scratchposts and lamposts and the like until only the rumble of a purr can exist. sometimes i feel like if i could press my soul against reality, feeling it slide over my skin and wrapping around like a lover and letting contentment (life. complication. what life?) wash all over like a cat

and uni life continues.

i don't feel old, but i'm no young idealist either. i feel old like the way people who tilt their head and look at things sideways, somehow i can see right through them little roads; little feelings of what they'll become. these masses of unwashed teenagers, flooding firstyears with their awkward highschool cliques and large eyes looking warily at university and i can see......somehow it just is that underneath all that childlike dough and bits and pieces is a hard person to grow to.

i don't really like it.

i think that's what really makes me feel old, and make people uncomfortable. look sideways too much and your laughter feels a bit off, your smile is a tad too sharp and the only way round is to curl up within, waiting.

dreams.....i've had so many, but waking nightmares of a pillow pressed against my face and then i'll force myself awake; cold and frightened but unbelievably drowsy still. and then i can't sleep again, but i do it anyway. i remember what rachel koh once said to me: "i don't like to sleep, because it feels like someone's trying to kill me"

but it's not dying
it's being unable to move, seeing yourself asleep
and no one can hear you as you struggle to wake

paralysed

i can tell when i'm dreaming i'm awake and really awake now, i know how to force myself awake and seperate it. i'm just afraid that one day - i'll fall asleep and never wake up, and everyone will think that it's just me being lazy again.

isn't that so frightening?

if dreaming wakefulness is a curse, allow me to say that nothing is as horrifying as being knowing and paralysed.

when i say i'll rather die, i truly truly mean it.

there are fates far worse than death

contemplating about dying is pretty normal when you hit your birthday - it's a step closer after all. besides, is not adulthood the death of a child? that is if, i could ever be considered a child in the first place. childlike, yes. child?

someone once asked me if i was ever traumatized. i wanted to laugh. i gave an honest answer: 'i don't know.' because it's true. grow up in a war-torn country, is that trauma? it's traumatic for someone who has never grown up in it, but impossibly familar for someone grew up there. example: chickens. city girl goes to market and sees a chicken slaughtered and she's traumatized. does the farm girl care?

see, i wouldn't know.
all i have is memory.

but memory is like a liar, the one that does to yourself. every rememberance is nothing more than a slightly tilted transfer from the last rememberance - a snapshot of a snapshot of a snapshot until the original negatives get blurred from overused, the colour desaturating into sepia, then grey and finally white........blank and un-remembered anymore.

i tell myself i'm doing it right, writing all this down.
lightfast, colourfast; measures against inaccuracy
down to the last photographic detail

comme çi comme ça

French was fun, so was Exp. Photog. I'm pretty sure the only boring subject of the year would be media/comm, which is unfortunately my major.

I have a feeling regret tastes like peeling paint or wet wallpaper.

------------------

were we in another dream
with moses watching
falling through the street
and underground rivers
those days..........

anytime; you were-
[brokeawaybrokeaway]
holding mine
[brokeawaybrokeaway]
driving night; driving blind

just saying; our song wake up[ love you ]
smell crossiants[ loved you ]
and footsteps to the door
what?

i am a terrible person :(
sometimes.........................
sweet-turn-sour
smiles that sink sideways
shoulders that go down
sometimes
i just hate me of today
and maybe of yesterday
thinking of tomorrow
too

wallpaperpaste taste
i feel like a sellout

maybe i just need more scissor sisters
castro's chai, chocolategingercookies, lolita
sink back, put your feet up
don't think so much anymore
breathe in

sellout. sellout. sellout.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:16 p.m.+

long post is loooooooooooooong

This is going to be 3 days' worth of entries, so be warned.

Friday
Went to school and was LATE. I missed the Trainspotting screening and argh, too late to join the Film society. Met Magdalen who was at the Baha'i' booth and said hi :D she's really busy though and looking at her makes me NOT want to do a double degree :x

Tram'ed to Flinders/Cleg's to get material for curtains and went to the station arcade where there was this SUPERCUTE SHOP selling VINTAGE BAGS D: I never knew I had a weakness for bags until I saw cute, hard-case vintage bags. ZOMG SO ADORABLE! I got a straw/leather case which opens at 2 sides and this adorable hexagonal black patent bag which has a special slot for keys. SO FREAKIN' CUTE. It helped that the owner really liked us and gave us discounts (as well as adding me on mailing list) From Flinders went to Degraves where I picked up a baguette and got teased by Marc (shop owner) for being cute and singaporean LOLZ and to come again next week. Jiawei wanted to eat pasta so I followed her to dinner (but I wasn't really hungry, so I had a coffee instead)

Note: Degraves' Expresso/Tapas bar is overrated :/
The one up at Lygon is cheaper and tastes about the same.

Walked up Swanston and contemplated on going to Benett's Jazz club and ended up in Dangerfield instead where they were selling HEART BAGS. Yes. HEART BAGS. Like Baby/Heart E! BUT SO MUCH CHEAPER. I'm talking about below $50bucks cheap. It's fairly roomy too, which kinda amazes me

Something I really must comment: the salesgirls LOVED my lolita stuff. I was wearing my JM jacket, tartan skirts and emikyu socks but they adored it and kept squeeing over my hat/jacket/socks and the girl at Dangerfield pratically shoved the bag in my hand saying that I looked like Queen of Hearts from Alice and gave me a FREE black strap for my other bag ('cause the hexagonal one doesn't have a strap) while the vintage shop at Flinders' not only opened till late and gave us discounts but HELD OUR THINGS while I went up to get $$ from ATM since they didn't accept eftpos (aussie NETS) see? this is why I should wear lolita every day of my life. better customer service and people going zomg!you're so cute! all the time. the only problem is that people keep wanting to touch my skirts D:

aahhhh so happy! Probably means I won't need anymore bags though :D I really have enough now!

Went home, fixed up the curtains which are really pretty in cream/olive green...hahaha sometimes I think my calling should be interior design, because I love decorating things and making them lovely and comfortable for everyone. Watched some chinese drama with them and suprisingly I understood everything even though it had no subs. My mandarin must be better than I think it is.......

Thursday
I LOST MY PHONE IN NOVA. Waited and waited and couldn't sleep 'cause I lost my phone from yesterday and then at 6am Nova called to tell me they found it and can I 'please collect it at 11am'. Slept badly, woke up hungover and grounchy and angry at the world and didn't even bother changing before grabbing a coat and walking out to collect my parcel then came back and slumped in the sofa until......my flatmate(s) slap a plate of food infront of me and put a fork in my hand LOL. If you can imagine a scene of both of them cooking happily together, then a grounchy me steps out in sleeping wear halfawake with grumpy mutter 'so bloody cold' before slamming some doors and sitting moodily in a chair. Both of them conspireeee....slap a bowl of fried rice in front of me as though offering sacrifices to a monster.

I felt better after the food, then promptly crawled back to sleep.

Am I predictable or what? LOL

I feel so spoilt by them though xD I'm the youngest and they really do treat me like a baby sister. They wash my dishes, tell me to wear more clothes and tell me not to drink so much. Hahahaha it's nice to be the youngest for a change! No responsibility! No stress! No decision-making! :D

I got my parcels though...THANKS PEOPLE! hahaha my room was a wreacking mess of paper though. <3<3<3 particularly for the moisturizer because the current one contains lanolin which I can't use on certain parts (elbows, face, neck) because it's mildly irritating to me. I love the suction hooks too, so cute! But what's with the soft toy? LOL then mom called and I asked her and she said: 'aiyah, just use it as a display 'cause I know you won't hug it anyway'.

hahahaha
Another funny incident was when I put on the hairclips and my roomates kept pressing them as though they were buttons D: NO. THEY'RE POMPOMS.

...........I suppose they do look like buttons esp. with the red pompom sticking out like that.

Woke up late, grabbed my laptop and RAN. When I reached Nova and collected my phone from the manager, David it was hilarious because the first thing he asked was: 'Did you see Interpol?' and I was like 'yes, why?' 'I flipped through for photo album to see if there was something i could call.' HAHAHAHA. Got it and realized I had 2 missed calls from jiawei and a message from magdalen saying that she was leaving the uni at 3 and FUCK IT WAS 2.45. I literally DASHED across and it's amazing I didn't get knocked down or anything 'cause zomg I didn't even LOOK at the traffic

Managed to catch her just in time and transferred half the frankston photos before her camera died D: ah well, there's always another time. I'm not editing them till I get all the images though.....

Signed up to Fotoholics and hung around Film society talking to Gary and ummm someone (shit, cannot remember names) then went home to put my laptop down. Jiawei wanted to go out initally but it's SO FREAKIN' COLD that I called back and told her I wasn't stepping out of the house damnit.

Had deliciously delicious dinner, then Doris came to talk to me about how Cassie (prounced CARE-FEE) wasn't happy about the blinds being up etc etc could we stick newspapers? blah blah so I told her we could pin curtains out of cheap poplin and some stick on hooks and she was so happy she was like tsu = Jesus LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ I find it really funny because it would be blasphemous to anyone else but the chinese hahahaha oh god, my humour's just gotten worse

the best part of the day was when my roomates got me birthday presents. You won't believe what they got me though......A HAIRBRUSH! POMPOMS! hahahahahahahahahaha I suppose it's a subtle hint to say that my hair is perpetually messy xD xD Doris is really funny though hahaha but I really appreciate it! I really do need a hairbrush, my current one has been broken for ages and my hair is so thick that it really needs a BIG brush to work through it. Plus, I like practical gifts best :D TBH I'll rather someone buy me dinner than give me some random jewellry/soft toy. Even hangers are better! I always need hangers for my skirts anyway~

Wednesday
AHHHH MISSED AN APPOINTMENT ON TUES WITH ANNETTE! D: then she called and I apologized profusely and promised to meet her today and RAN because only later I realize the City Circle didn't go after 6 D:!!!! Met her at Vic market and she got me love letters from Singapore<3 found out about the summer festival and hung around with them till dinner where they had another appointment so I went around the market myself and called up jiawei

It was SO BIG. There was like over 20 stalls selling different kinds of food, 2 stages and tables everywhere with smoke hanging on the ceiling and so many people that if you stood still, the surge would just push you forward. SO CROWDED. The only thing that reaches how crowded it is, is New Year at Takashimaya square Dx It's even more crowded than a Shenzhen meatjob market! I couldn't really take the crowd (it slams on my nerves too badly), so I shoved my way towards the wine stand 1 which were giving out samples and got myself a nice cold muscat to dampen the crowd effect.

Queued for some kangaroo steak and had another glass while waiting for Jiawei. Then she called to say she was lost AGAIN, and I went to look for her. She was stuck behind since she came from the back instead of the front. Collected her, got ANOTHER glass (3rd glass) to drink with her and by then was pleasantly buzzed.

And so we ate:
-aussie platter bbq (emu, croc, kangaroo, barramundi)
-honey dumplings (deepfried dough w/honey+icecream)
-chorizo buns
-cinnimon pretzels
-scallop+fish platter
-dutch pancakes (small pancakes folded with custard+cream)
-african curry thing(?)
-sweet corn
-chocolate mousse

.......and MORE WINE. Mind you, we didn't drink water the entire time, and I haven't drunk water the entire day because of rushing around. By that time we were at that ILU AND EVERYONE!!111oneone<3 stage and giggling madly and Jiawei had a stroke of brilliance to buy an ENTIRE bottle to split and we were slowly but surely on the road to teenage enlightenment

Funny note: on the way to the atm to draw more cash to fund foodz, we saw these gay guys sucking face and when we were walking back they were still sucking face. by the time we left, they were STILL at it and i was like 'by this time most people would've just moved to the hotel room lulz'

Decided to watch Joy Division and set off to Nova. Mind you, by then we had like, a bottle of wine sloshing inside and still drinking while waiting at the tram stop. Curiously immune to cold and public eyes and human decency in general we crashed through the uni at 10pm laughing at everything

........then I saw paul sitting inside the 24hr computer lab.

tsu: HEY ISN'T THAT PAUL? (when you're drunk, shouting is permissible)
jiawei: HAHAHAHA OMG. HE'S TOO POOR TO AFFORD INTERNET? CHEAPO.
tsu: BEEEEEEHOLD! FUTURE OF UNIMELB STUDENTS!!!
jiawei: HOW TO BE HOBOOOOOOOOOOS
tsu: MAYBE IT'S ONLY SCA HAHAHAHAHA
jiawei: HAHAHA MAYBE HE NEEDS SOME WINE. WHY NOT THROW YOUR GLASS AT HIM? tsu: HAHAHAHAHA PAAAAAAAAULLLLLLLLLLLLL~~~~~~
*throws glass*
*glass THUNKS! on the window*
*paul turns around*
*priceless expression*
tsu/jiawei: HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
jiawei: ARE YOU SURE IT WAS HIM ANYWAY?
tsu: YEAH. ONLY HE HAS A BALD SPOT LIKE THAT! HAHAHA
jiawei: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

and then we laughed our way into Nova, and crashed into the cinema without tickets or anything because no one was there and it was soooooooo funny and jiawei slept while I stoned and watched There Will Be Blood again and somehow managed to walk all the way back to Lt. Lonsdale without crashing into any foreign objects.

It was a good day :)

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:48 a.m.+

muteglass

i feel like glass today - now. waking up from some psychotic alcohol induced haze and staring blindly at the clock, 3am 4am 5. it still feels like tomorrow will never come but it's coming and soon i'll have to wake up, except that i haven't slept yet and the night is cold and dark. in a pond, wandering and stymied.

to cease functioning is like going backwards; telling yourself the first 20 years of your life in printed transfers from the latest memory tabloids then coming back and forth and i don't know why - i miss something that is not there, is frightened of something that is over and want something that can never be given back. come back. go away. hey, that's the nail on the head and last slam on the lid as the she blows the candle out in lightingstorm.

somewhere i hear traffic.
i need more of that.

traffic soothes me the way music soothes beasts. supposedly. for the constant sound of moving is like a rythmic beat, incessantly conforming in a comfortable patterns. it should like panadol, which taking makes it less painful except when it is not, and drinking should make you sleep but is not either. what eats your mind is the ghosts of things done and regretted, of things said that can't be unsaid even if the sayer was not you

i feel like glass now; cool and clear and transparently aware. to see right through me into the background, making peripheral focus. to see right through me into the background, is not seeing anything at all. illusionist. so like glass you sit and blend, chameleon-like and honest but dishonest at the same time and never as simple as people see it to be. keep cool and clear and honest, hide yourself like glass. right in front of everyone's eyes but no one to capture. to take it sideways, and look it through blurred lenses

camera obscura

a property made of burning sand, glazed and fragile but also cool and hard. do you not understand? the weather pattern channel that produces a mapline is also a bit like glass; but so is the sky that turns colder when the first rays come in; holding each warmth giver with extreme coolness. deceptive heat to die in.

i can't sleep.
but i'm not awake either.

in this kind of dreaming, it feels neither blessed or thankful. neither is given the white bliss of unthinking sleep nor given appreciative awareness of wakeful beauty. only now is the time given for company to appear, thoughts that spill mute in daylight but competitive in non-hours. it is when emotions spill and logic fails and the voice that speaks in language cannot capture such shadowy creatures; my thoughts, my hands, my self.

we wait for dawn.

+tsu waited for you at 05:45 a.m.+

funny shit

hahahahahahaha SO FUNNY YOU KNOW WHAT I THREW A WINEGLASS AT THE PAUL/PAUL-LOOKALIKE WHILE STAGGERING AT UNIMELB AT 10PM HALF-DRUNK AND RWAR ahhahahahahahahahaha

jiawei: YOU SURE IT'S PAUL?
tsu: YEAH ONLY HE HAS A BALD SPOT LIKE THAT
jiawei: WELL THEN THROW A GLASS AT HIM
tsu: AHAHAHAHA OKAY!
jiawei: AHAHAHAHHA
tsu: AHAHAHAHAHHA

ok we got really drunk and i'm still drunk but it was a happy day and i lost my handphone AGAIN at the market AWWW NO PICS D: AH WELL. LIVE IT AHAHAHAH

I DRRRRRRINK YOUR MILKSHAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ZUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTZUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:05 a.m.+

nicotine&bacterium

EPIC.
IT WAS EPIC.
(much as I hate the word, it totally applies for this film)

Imagine rolling hills, the dust and dirt and gravel and hot sun like a glaring pressure on the neck, skin and hands and dirt - so much dirt and underneath that is all oil and blackness and FUCK IT WAS A FABULOUS MOVIE. I loved how silence was used as a metaphor and device, how the actions played out and how complete the movie felt.

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, brilliant film. Of all I've seen this past week, this is truly the best. I loved how it had a beginning, middle and proper ending; how the characters were developed over time and the complexity of the relationships. You can't help but ask yourself questions: what is evil? when does a good man become evil? is ambition a path to destruction? does God save?

I suppose what really caught me was how applicable this was to dad, but that's a totally different story is it? But it's so scary how dangerously close we are. awareness. how scarily close it all is. inside. everywhere.

ahhhhhh.....my head hurts slightly though
being cold helps clear my thinking

I feel strangely hungry all the time now....it's so odd. I'm full, but I crave some kind of warmth and more-ishness. Maybe I should make potato stew tomorrow with mushrooms and tofu or maybe I'm just lacking iron again. Steak? *_* gnawing on something bloody sounds strangely appetizing right now (how queer, maybe I really AM lacking iron urk) Hmmmm I haven't had beef for 3 weeks, maybe that's why. And I've been feeling sluggish too....ARGH I guess it's time to go buy some cow and fry it. Just thinking about it makes me vaguely hungry.

Going to sleep soon, will probably do some grocery shopping tomorrow. Milk, tofu, cow, broccoli, mushroom, potatoes and maybe some tomato just in case. I don't really like eating tomatoes, but I like roughly chopping them into soup for some tartness, isn't that odd?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:58 a.m.+

crossing wires

estactic. that's how it felt to watch them live, so overfull with sheer awesomeness and this huge HUGE crowd (I estimate 5,000 at least) with people moshing and headbanging, hair like falling clouds dyed by laser colour and the sonic boom of amps, so loud I could feel the floor vibrating underneath as I watched, trembling with excitement and oh god oh god oh god he sounds just as good live as on record. SERIOUSLY. HE REALLY SINGS THAT WELL

it's not like the DeG concert where I was too nervous to enjoy fully, the stress of being alone/away/isolated/lonely that made me distance too much from the music and fell asleep from stress during higeki. For the Interpol one I was just really really happy. I sat near cool people (admittedly, one was drunk) and just let myself be swallowed by the music. Like some acid trip, the colour that exploded behind my eyes in swirls of patterns - ah, cool blues dipped in silver, ghostly hands reaching out from darkness, magician's gloves......in times like this I'm almost glad that I'm not exactly normal-right, because it's like that......estascy

to be able to touch the sound of the voice, seperating each timbre like threads and watch music flow like a painting in colour: I remember the 3rd song or something, it was so beautiful. red speckles that bloomed on grey smoke, unfurling and darkening then disappearing back into mist, ruby baubles in a twilight then a shot of honey-yellow-tawny guitar and the slow, seductiveness of the all in red mahagony

i remember feeling like being cloaked in velveteen and suede, as though if i were a cat - i could rub myself against the music and purr

so warm! i left, still buzzed and high and slightly happy-drunk with my NEW tour shirt stuffed into a pocket to meet jiawei (she went to watch CYHSY instead) and we went to the 24hr korean grocery, voices still high and shrill and not-quite-stable yet with glittering and taunt like tightrope. ate hungryjack's and stoned and then went home and crashed but not so hard, not quite ground yet.

woke up early though i dreamt - i dreamt of lolita skirts and someone i don't quite remember, and the feeling of waking up with sky blue and clean white. obsessively checked for angelic pretty.........I love Angelic Pretty! :D :D :D I really really do. I never thought I'll be a sweet lolita, but I'm not so much sweet as candy-coated acidtripped sweetness, as though someone barfed an andy wahorl paintbucket on my head with colours that should clash, and clash so much that it actually matches. woohoo! I want to make a matching hat for the Magical Etoile series too, in some random stupid colour that would make my tutors/lecturers WTF. technicolour dreams!

Mostly wasted the afternoon looking through AP's blogs, isn't that so terrible? I should really get rid of some stuff but I adore everything I have T_____T I think maybe I just won't spend on anything the next few months~ or just sell the things I use less now D: I hate doing that though....

Going to watch There Will Be Blood tonight at Nova....yay for cheap tickets!:D Daniel Day-Lewis is really an excellant actor, and the plot sounds really interesting. Watching the Joy Division documentary tomorrow with Jiawei since she's busy with Fiest today. I'm quite glad I skipped Fiest, because I don't think she'll sound very nice live :/ that 'echo' effect on her voice is due to sound studios, not natural.

Talking about recording, I realized how people record concerts in Japan now. THEY DON'T CHECK STANDING AUDIENCE! o_0!!! It's true! During the entire concert I saw people filming the ENTIRE concert (some armed with camcorders wth) but the ushers can't go into standing audience space because they're not allowed to disrupt during performance (especially since the front pit was moshing) I didn't take anything though I was tempted....but I guess the concert videos are quite easily found???

Hmmmm I feel quite lazy to dress up today >_> some days I just feel like throwing on a sweater and jeans and slacking inside the cinema/borders for the next few hours. Clothes that make you feel like you're wearing pajamas. It's not that lolita clothes are bothersome, but sometimes I feel like blending in soundlessly, blue velveteen sweater and jeans and hair tied into a floppy black ponytail and black suede muji shoes until I look like some surrealistic version of Mr. Anonynomous. But at the same time, I really adore AP's crazy wtf-ness (wah, so AA) as well as Emikyu/ST's subdued sweetness.

To sum up: AP makes me feel like playing katamari, Emikyu is for brightening up boring tasks (eg. essay) and slob-wear is more me to sit like a boy, eat salty chips and watch BLOOD MURDER ANGST on tv/movie.

mmmm going out now
mmmm I really love AP
feel like getting some pizza?
maybe i'll cook some instant noodles for dinner.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:33 p.m.+

stella i love you stella i need you

INTERPOL WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!!

oh god it was so super super SUPER and awesome cool and they played turn on the bright lights, exit 99, she said and SLOW HANDS. they didn't play my favourite; take me on a cruise but it was FREAKIN' AWESOME ANYWAY and ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG THE YOUTH GROUP OPENED FOR THEM AND PLAYED THEIR UNRELEASED NEW ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it sounds really really good. I really like the sailing song best, if I can get my hands on it - gonna get the CD<3

i'm really tired/happy/excited now, so i'm off to sleep.

OH YEAH. I GOT AN INTERPOL TOUR SHIRT TOO!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAY!!!

love
tsu