Your song

Listening to: El Manana

I need a layout change.

I don't really want to talk about today
all the aimless things I did - read, work, read&work
the stupor of being in school
You know how strange is it?
A stupor
Mindnumbing, emotionally draining, soul destroying
The chattering voices of plasticblue
How crowded the consciousness of others are
so noisy, so human - so much

wake me in the middle of the desert
sleep-sand still trapped in the eyes
wind billowing with empty howls in hollow dunes
of mysterious fluttering skies
eat stones, sand crumbles from lips
stay alive, even as a ghost
wandering in a desert lonely
holding my own, holding your own
night:
we'll be warm.

[right hand hugging left]

How did I ever get here?
I wonder.

Imagine.
My voice wrapping yours.

You: a natural underperformer, highly skilled procastinator glib at skipping homework and skiving with finesse, despair of your teachers who know you as the "waste of God's talents", ambitionless, almost vaguely drifty with definite leanings towards jumping off to a non-directional tangent (which, barely touches the circle at all)

And suddenly, (so suddenly)
you're presumably part of the elite

Oh come'on. You know them as well I do. (my voice wraps yours in the dark). The elite. The overachievers. The shining light of academic brilliance, the creme de la creme with mile-long resumes and more awards than you can shake a middle finger at. And they're just so good - with their helpful smiles and easy explainations that you can't hate them. Or perhaps they realized their existence - a worshipful existence that all bow down to praise.

And now you're one of them
With just a single phrase.
With just a thrown remark.
With just a word.

welcome to metallic party.

How the hell did you get there?
Did someone make a mistake?

----------

Fake. Fascimile. Falsified.
I feel like I'm cosplaying someone else.
A stolen identity, a stolen chance of another
A mistaken place.
I just don't think I deserve to be
I don't know what I did to deserve it
So maybe I'm just chancy after all......

If that's the case, then isn't it unfair to others?

You have to understand; I don't think I'm smart
I've never been in EM1 or any of the top classes throughout education.
Not in Primary, not in Secondary
Always somewhere in the middle-bordering classes
Been KIV'ed, Conditional'ed and nearly suspended.
Just scraping by y'know?
And BAM!
just like that
I'm here.

I never did anything creditable.
Or worked extra hard.

Like populartiy (or in my case, nortoriety.)
How the hell did it happen?
I can't help but wonder y'know?
It's like hyperinflation the way people accelerate truth.
I think I'm quite boring and normal.
So what's the fuss?

lost mymindmywaymythought....in time

ah well.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:45 a.m.+

Being alive is a cool thing to be

Am home and surprisingly alive
Pity audy isn't online though

Art was a waste of time really - I didn't know what to draw and I was busy trying to fight off sleep. Not to mention that looking at the trio of Cat. High people just makes me want to jump off a building and die. Like omg! they can do calligraphy and those painstakingly perfect white-white shading. *dies* Must have patience!

I think everyone is a bit drained this week
It's quite crazy now.

Oh yeah, some good news:
I'M OFFICALLY IN S'LIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so happy I nearly started crying
*feels overjoyed*
It's as though everything finally paid off
Although it is quite disheartening to know that 2 other people got kicked off.
*sighs*
Ah well....

You know what I'll say *shrugs*
Shikata nai all the way

--------

According to Darwinian theory, all creatures when exposed to a new enviroment will first resist change, then when the exposure increases - adaption occurs by marginal increment until the creature is totally evolved and comfortable in what was an alien enviroment.

I suppose Darwin can hate me *right*now for screwing up.
Ah! evolutionary alnomaly!

Technically the more I spend in school, the more exposed I will be and thusly, should be feeling a lot more comfortable in there.

WRONG

It's as though my tolerance level has dropped into subzero-zone and I become more sulky, more whiny and more snappish the more time I spend there. What happened to adaptation? I adapted certainly (J1!), but it's as though the I'm going through some sort of LDMR syndrome - Law of Diminishing Returns. You push me more, I give you less. Woohoo.

And it seemed to have affected my writing as well
I used to type better than I write, but now it's the opposite.
So strange isn't it?

---------

I guess it's really too late for anything now.
So I've decided not to go.

I don't want to mess up my life right now
And it's not eating me inside.
I've decided.
It's best to let go.
And remain in status quo.
Forgiveness after all ......is not something you say
It's something we wait for.

----------

I just watched the El Manana video
I guess it's not really strange that I identify with it
Although my world seems less like theirs
No bombs for one thing
Just deserts
Blank, voided deserts.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:04 a.m.+

I saw your face, in this crowded place....

I want back my own comp now.
Reason?
-school computers block EGL sites under "pronogrpahy"
-school computers block AUDY'S(!) blog under "undesirable material"
-school computers jam with too many windows and the slowest speed ever.

I need sleep I think.
And today will be another mad rush from place to place
And now I'm down for detention for being late for assembly
Not school but assembly
The WTF-factor gained 100000 exp points!
Annoyance + 10! Defense -5!
Ahhhhh 2 hrs on Friday to sit around in a contained enviroment
please god don't let gabriel be there too
That's really the last last last thing I want to see right now

And today there's Editorial (stinky lil' J1 juniors!)
In which I end at 5pm, rush for tuition at 6.30pm
Finish at 9.30pm, go Spotlight and problably be back by 11.30pm
*is dizzy*
And tomorrow I have to wake at 6am so I'll reach school by 7am for Econs.

Oh yeah, Sak? Can I borrow your knee-less pants pattern?
I think I want a black one, so it looks cool and can match everything
(including a pink tartan top yay!)

So much to sew so little time....*sighs*
Plus sak and I might be opening an ebay store soon
selling stuff like hats, headdresses and petticoats
everyone wants a petticoat okay! :D :D :D
Can sell for $65USD <3~
and it'll be our first foray into e-commerce
(and maybe we should book a booth in SGcosplay too)

Shopping list for tonight:
-pearl trim
- rose lace trim
-cluny trum
-3m black drill
-1.5m of redcheck tartan
madness in the face of alice bows and clockwork oranges

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:41 a.m.+

merry-go-round

Listening to: Love Replica

I feel quite guilty for so...intentionally cutting to Jared now. It's not his fault. And he's a nice person who just happened to be in the way when I was in a foul mood. And I problably hurt Brendan's feelings........urgh why do I feel guilty when I have nothing to feel guilty about?

Slept today away, have admin to clear tonight. Need to clear my Lit notes (start filing!) and type the groupings for interview. Hopefully CCA ends earlier tomorrow because I don't particularly enjoy stress by death (funny how it rhymes). That reminds me - I need to transfer all notes into JPEG soon. You can sue me for being paranoid - but I'm scared that someone might steal them. It's not nessescarily unfounded, because people expect my notes to be good and thus if I don't lend them; the determined ones will find *other* ways of getting their hands on my notes in ways that I don't appreciate.

the circus of the sun
so hot and lurid - a brilliant glare
it burns, it burns
this carnival of light
[again]

Okay anyway - need to go back to work.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:29 p.m.+

selfnarrative

Joseph Conrad makes me surprisingly happy.
And the whole framed/frame narration is really interesting.
I wonder if it's possible to do it on your on.
Like blog VS blogger
The daily enteries VS the entire frame of growth.
Quite interesting, no?
In russian it's known as skaz

So sorry for not being online yesterday (not that it matters since everyone else always has someone else to talk to) but anyhow........Finishing school today at 2pm, planning to sleep the afternoon, sew my ribbon for school (leftover blue poplin + cluny lace!) and if possible, download Chungking Express. Or I could just rent a movie from the DVD shop in Serene Center.

Can you tell I'm looking forward to a free afternoon? :D

Going to Spotlight tomorrow to catch the 20% sale. It'll be really crazy, with school ending at 5pm, then tuition from 6.30-9.30pm then AFTER that I'll go Spotlight, which thankfully closes at 11pm tomorrow.

I'm happyish now.
The library is lovely and quiet like thoughts
And paperthin realities all binded in books.
And the dry dry air that makes your lips crack -
but you lick them anyway until you suddenly bite down

-----------

Detergent warmed by skin smells nice. It smells of home and crispy bedsheets and fluttering calico curtains and lemon bleach and airy windows and wooden parquet floors and newly whitewashed walls with sunlight streaming in. It smells like happy smiles and cuddly sofas and caramel popcorn and pikelets with blueberry jam. *sniffs shirt* It's just such a nice floral clean scent.

Yesterday I remember seeing the rainwashed skies - it was so beautiful - faultlessly grey and muted blues with a wash of violet. A cross between lightest ultramarine and pale lilac with the neon lights (pink ones from Scott's) shining against this dulled, moody sky. Not really moody - more like dull and muted, a rolling sky that just subsided. Even the air seemed to hover undecidedly, wolflight grey on everyone's faces - dark? light? So difficult to tell. The tiles were still slickly shiny from rain, glowing interdeterminate cream in this twlight.

Let's see....what else is there to say? Nothing really.
Yesterday was just a terrible day.

On the bright side, I made a friend from art class called Kenneth (2T18). He's in the same situation as I (aka. no O level art, no AEP). Pretty nice, same birthday as mom (kinda freaky in a way but ah well) He's a DOTA-er and as un-technologically inclined as they come. Within 10mins, he told us how he managed to break his handphone, his CPU, his IRC, his BT - funniest one being that after godknowshowlong he finally found his PhotoshopCS only to realize he couldn't install it because his discdrive won't open.

Well it's kinda nice~ the good part being that he's quiet and minds his own space, and we're usually the people who move downstairs to work because it's more airy and lighter somehow than a stuffy classroom.

And yeah, met Jo's bf called Alan.
*amused*

----------------

Quite happy to be alone. I think it's actually a good thing. It's comfortable for one; allows a degree of emotional selfishness, a creative space and most of all, no more demands (besides the ones I'm juggling now). And with yesterday - I just didn't feel anything at all. Not heart skipping, no tension......just an acknowledgement that okay, he exists but I was mostly thinking of tomorrow's work, visiting Solikin (who's in the hospital) and dealing with CJ people. (again! human interaction yuck)

Right now my priorities are as follows:

-Internal stability and emotional equilibirium
-A levels (and S paper)
- Friends and Family

I would like to note that unless I expressively and explicitly call you a friend - don't assume. I have friends and I have friends. The former consists of a mixedbag of aquaintances, proximity-induced relationships, knowing through someone else...etc. Like T06 people are friends. But friends are Sak and Audy and Alex and yea. You get the idea.

Don't assume okay? I'm perfectly willing to help you in trouble, I smile and make jokes and maybe share on what I might be doing .....but unless you know what I'm -thinking- (ah! the finer differences of life) it might be more different than it seems.

Like yesterday I think Jared overstepped the boundary.
I like him as a friend, but not anything particular.

I don't take kindly to people who assume they know me when they don't, dictate what I do based on what "Other People" think - I don't appreciate it. I'll listen to your opinion, but unless I feel that you know me well enough to make a descision for me, don't feel bad if I don't follow at all.

Ah well. Tough luck.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:24 a.m.+

Skaz

Tired. Today was the epitome of a Blue Monday - hallmarks of a typicak bad day but worse (because it's blue and monday!)

And so it goes:

- woke up banging my head on the wall
- traffic jam along PIE and Farrer Rd
- Ran up and down because of Editorial (and then they finally cancelled it!)
- Mass PE
- nearly fainted during Mass PE. (suxxors)
- 2 hrs of Mrs Sng
- No lunch ;_;
- Wrecked a drawing
- Sneezed at pastels
- RAINED RAINED RAINED
- Saw Gabriel Tan who tao-ed me so I tao-ed him back
- Got teased by Jared and Brendan
- Had to go ArtFriend in the rain
- OUT OF MONEY at Artfriend (like short of 75cents to buy Copic-sepia)
- Reached home only at 8pm+

Today just sucked. *huggles ninja-cat* mou~~~~~~~~ So terh...I don't even know if there's a translation for that (ah! joys of expressive cantonese) Something like clingy, whiny, "soft" and cuddlesome. Can also mean manja aka. "act cute". Very flexible adjective used in rainy weather.

kz going to bathe and sleep

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:15 p.m.+

Pinwheels

I don't know what to say anymore.
Sometimes I feel keeping a blog is so useless
not really even knowing if your now-self will ever understand the past-self(selves) - or that anyone understands what you're saying anyway; without a reference to the past or future.

I think of pinwheels
Bright brilliantly blue pinwheels nestled in grass
with that phee! sound in the wind
Pinwheels stabbed into the ground.
And these circle pinwheels phee!phee!phee!
like whistles that grow on roadsides

If it's ever possible, I would like never to wake up (but that's old news). Except now I have a new addition to the list: I would like everyone to forget me. Or maybe like those absolution-types, I'll just dissolve into someone else and I'll never need to be me. Like Kierkegaard. despair is induced self-hatred: a sickness that comes when a person cannot be another, yet does not want to be another and hates himself for it And then the pinwheels come back again, and car crashes in twilight.

Stoned today, yesterday and problably tomorrow.

I suppose it must be strange for people to read my blog, knowing how hyper I am in life. Contradiction? Nah. I like to think of it as coping mechanism. Like balances. To make up for how stoned, self-destructive, melachonlic and mentally ineffective, I must be hyperactive, overly genki and bouncy in physicalreality. Like those don't believe it? It's TRUE! shows - all peanut-muching, visually craving, hungry-eyed people buying tickets with sweat palms and red mouths. Mouth y'know. In nadsat they call it rot. Amusing eh?

My head hurts.
I feel the onset of a migraine.*urghurgh*

Spent time hiding in bed today (under the blanket, into the pillow, a tuft of hair sticking out of the edge) because I decided that I will NOT face today and instead pretend that it's a Monday and I'm on holiday. Refusal to accept y'know? They say it's a mark of a weak character, I think those people who say that depend on living too much. Had fluffy egg omelette, which was extra fluffy because I beat the whites and yolks seperately, then mixed in milk, paprika, pepper and a pinch of sugar. Very fluffy. Fluffy enough so that it had those stylish looking, triple layered whiffs around it. Continued sewing The Hat, which I am pretty sure I can sell to egl community at USD$25 apiece now, because it looks really good. The hat-shape is right and with the exception of the top-piece which is slightly too large, it looks just about perfect.

So that leaves the fake-pearls and gorsgrain ribbon to get.

I really want a sailor beret though, if I can't find one I'll simply make one. How hard can it be anyway? Besides, now with cardboard and felt - any structure should be possible. (Not wire though, that's just too hard.)

Head hurtssssssss.
Going to sleep soon.

A bit neglected feeling, a little lonely - but tolerable. I think I'm just emotionally tired from people - telling them that I care when they don't really reply. I mean I know they do, but I need to hear it. How many times to tell me you love me? Every single day. I believe there's a song like that. Isn't it so sad that I'll rather listen to a lie and live in one, than fall into truth?

Ah well.
*shrugs*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:34 a.m.+

Get me a taser - or not.

Listening to: Siboney

Feeling rather distant now - detached almost
Quite tired of convincing people of things
Sometimes I feel like a cheerleader, for all the wrong reasons.

Woke with to the horrorifying screech of my grandmother. By now everyone should realize that my grandmother is not only a manical sociopath, but a LOUD manical sociopath - the first thought in my mind being: "FUCK!" But being a polite, still sleepy person I just snorted, wished her away and turned over to hide under my blanket.

It's not a good omen okay?
*sighs*

Yeah yeah...Parent Teacher Meeting blahblah. Did my share of smiling and sucking up (however much I could manage without being overly self-disgusted) Anyway it was passably fine - just nod blankly and agree at apporiate moments. Had lunch at Scotts', then went off to meet up with Sak.

Sak and I sadly agree that I'll never make a good kodana .____. I still look like a girl naaaa~~~

Umbrella shopping! Twas fun~ I am now the proud owner of a pink!white!lilac!polkadotted umbrella with a matching pink handle. And then I bought sak a flower-print, VM-ish umbrella with pink handle too. It's icepink though...a rather uncommon, unfortunately clashy shade of pink.

Headed to Spotlight, bought ribboning~ then Sak had to go, so I left as well. Went home, started on hat-making while watching Dr. House. It's surprisingly easy to make a hat, although the top is slightly skewed *sighs* But it's pretty and shiny, and it looks really adorable with a string of pearl beads and a white gorsgrain ribbon (the matte-ribbon will offset the shiny satin nicely~)

I'm pretty sure if I sold it on ebay people will bid for it.

---------

I don't really have much to say.
Drained, tired, emotionally empty
Rather bad company I'm afraid

It still never fails to amuse me however that my normal sulking behaviour (which I usually am) is considered unsual in CJ. Do I really hide it that well? o.o

Should've joined Drama Society then. Damned.
But I hate politics anyway, so what the hell....

Argh whatever. I hate school
Countdown? 274 DAYS TO GO! *dumdumdum*

Okay I'm just cranky and grounchy and antisocial
Now you know so shove off and mind your business
Whatever.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:49 a.m.+

welcome to............

It was a fairly pointless day.
That screamed of mundanity and monotony.
As though we could be being dead in the salt dunes
with parched lips and paled skin
with halfrain and halfshine
and sticky warm humidity that steamed
and noisy people with gapingly gossiping mouths
like animals hungry for the latest in kills
running through classes while watching the clock
hours that stretched to eternity
Yet-
A beautiful day

I'm so glad this week is over.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:30 p.m.+

Crinkles

Listening to: Bloc Party + Nana + KH2 OST

*squee!* The nicest thing about the Nana movie (besides the obvious feelgoodness) is the poliferation of PLAID clothes. God. The tartan skirts are so squeesomely fantastic~ Plus some of the clothes are so pretty~ <3<3<3 Yeah I'm ghey like that xD XD (if not why else would I watch The Cell which has clothes from Hanae Mori but acting by Jennifer Lopez?)

Sick today, missed school and finally got enough sleep.

I wish I could stop hoping
And start living in the present instead of "Ifs"
If you promise to let it go

Not particularly happy but dreamyish
Feels so.......unfettered?

like a song or melody
you keep humming all night and day
when the raindrops fall over yellow lampshades
on waiting bustops and peeling paint
cause you're the one I love

Someone should deter me from watching sappy movies. *huggles ninja cat* I don't really like people I guess - even the people I love. Sometimes I just crave that feeling to be loved and to be held and to be hidden away from everything but of course that's impossible - that's a contradiction in words. How can you hide from people if you want to hide within a person?

Sometimes I dream that I'm just dreaming and reality seems so far away anyway why the hell do I bother to stay except for you?

because you're the one I love

Too bad you don't really exist huh?

the blank photographs of
me and you in this endless taxi ride
watching -
the lights and city and music movements into a blur
of colours and illuminated vividness splashed on
your face - shifting neon
and the shoulder to sleep on; so warm
and falling ......
sleeping through the shifting night of light
aren't I glad I found you?

Tonight feels like concrete jungles and liqourice smoke, of black and white taxi rides where I sleep on your shoulder and watch half-dazed at the blurry lights of motion and neon . It feels like skin and silk and blue songs that seem to yearn as we wait and travel and do both at once.

caught you in that night
wearing that smile
with eyeliner and streaks
in that red dress and stony glare
did I catch you out?
-unimaginable-

Sometimes I believe I'm more in love with the image than reality. But I don't want to be that jaded. I don't want to be cynical. So I'll believe in reality instead.

humming that wordless song
it seemed like a normal dream
that darkened to this reality
how?

I keep thinking of yellow lamposts - the kind used to guide traffic and blue rain falling through the yellow light with me and you standing under it umbrella-less and cold that seems smoky and vague like transculent glass in a fog with the heady smell of leather and wool - colours of slate grey and cobalt blue and carmine red that flood across senses like touch. Silky greys and coudrouy blues and woolly reds that knit together.

I wonder what we're waiting for.

Mental strength is funny....I honestly think I don't have any. Yeah yeah you can say I'm smart or whatever but mental strength....you can't say intelligence equates that. I sometimes feel like a trainwreck/suicide bomber - a mixture of idealism, self-destructiveness and self-defeated to cause with no sense of perservation. I suppose that's why my philosophy has never been really much except for the advancement of inner peace and unity. In a sense I really 'get' Joseph Conrad the way my classmates might not. The whole duality thing is perfectly logical to me (so is doublethinking, but that's another story) because I feel that way so much of the time.

Like now.

On hand tells me to shove the entire Gabriel-thing into a mental trashcan, the other is asking for revenge (Sympathy for Lady Vengeance anyone?). I want it to end at the same time I want to just HIT something. God I don't make sense. And revenge is generally a bad idea because it is an -invitation- for me to be self-destruction. Seriously. I have half a mind to throw caution in the wind and just tell Mrs Sng that "Do you know I like someone from your class?" for kicks. As much as I appreciate Graham's/Gloria's/Steffi's/Alex's/Whoever indictments to be more self-preservative, more "normal", more whatever - I can't. I'm not Alex okay? I don't know how she has so much emotional restraint or discipline. If I were her I'll problably be a sociopath right now.

It's not like I don't get why I shouldn't like Gabriel
Like his favourite movie (Domino of all things)
The film summary is exactly like him:
This is a 2 hour film about absolutely nothing, in which no one cares about anyone or anything, except looking tough.

Or, to quote Deconstructing Harry(+fav!)
With you, it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm and orgasm.

I rest my case.
(tsu = MISTAKE!)

See? Being self-aware doesn't give you shit.

Sometimes I really hate being in Singapore.
Everyfuckingone just fucking knows everyone else.

If you promise to let it go.....

I told Graham that I was looking forward to leaving Singapore so I'll have some privacy and anyomity for once. He just doesn't get it. I felt so terribly guilty y'know? For spoiling his perceptions that I actually can tolerate gossiping or whatnots. I don't. I just pretend people don't exist. It's not that I hate anyone - I don't love anyone in CJC either. Just because I'm friends doesn't gaurentee anything. He's just so bloody idealistic sometimes - he doesn't get vengeance or guilt (and how it eats you up). He understands pain (hurt, sadness, angst etc) but he doesn't understand the anger that comes after.

I'm not particularly angry
but as they say; there's a lyncher in everyone of us

And I guess that's why poeple are sometimes scared of me. I crack easily and I'm aware of my lynching-self. People are scared of those who know the evils which they can do inside themselves. I'm perfectly aware that given the right motive, I could problably kill someone. Some people aren't like that. They believe in "civilization" and "society" and all the other trappings that we overlay like jacqarding patterns. So when they see people like me (potential massmuderer, suicidebomber, killer at large) they run scurrying away back to their HDB flats and 2.5kids.

Okay I'm being really mean here
But you get the point, don't you?

Problably going to zonk myself out tomorrow. It's Friday! I'm legally old enough to drink! ............well actually no. It makes my hands shake because alcohol destroys control. Maybe. If I'm really pissed or tired or just in need of a drink.

I'm just feeling so restless - as though something is eating me inside to just move and go somewhere, anywhere. To wander around and just watch things and go windowshopping and people watching.

*sighs*
sleeping soon

PS. I'll greatly appreciate if people stopped teasing me about Gabriel. It's over okay? He said "go away" to me. Kthxbai time to go and ogle over 2-D charas.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:49 p.m.+

Memory

Competition entry

memory

You - the sound of flint and steel, a flicker and the taste of liqourice flavoured smoke. Like a prayer, the smoke whispers through the humid night, a drift of thoughts and impressions, vague and spectre feeling: phantom kisses of ashes (passionate kisses of exchanging deadly ashes - yes, that) that taste like over-ripe strawberries mingled with the fragrance of shampoo and skin; soap that smells like blueberry pancakes and golden syrups on crispy mornings, skin so warm it seemed to be on fire next to your cold cold hands that felt like cream and wrinkles and human, yes that was what you wanted. To touch - key - feel.

Lying sprawled on the navy sheets, the night murmurs; sultry, hot and windless as the moon shines coldly. Unjudging, unforgiving as a gaping open mouth of despairing white it screams its secrets across the wombed sky of swaying poppies - red skies. Red gauze wrapped embryos of the night with sleeping humans in their fragile cradles and homes, gestating for the new birth of sunrise. Sleep soundly and sweet - sardonic. But you like the night; the paradoxical craving for the pitiless empty void and unjudging acceptance. The merciless sky arches only infinitely with the grey towers of uniform blocks like the labyrinth of your mind - twisted in an aimless and directionless maze where none can meet except under poppy fielded skies that sway amongst wasted clouds that do not move - static images of windy meadows of red: blur, distant, elusive and unreachable. Red: carmine, magenta, cadmium, madder the names roll of your lips like a litany of old friends and lost loves. Like the roses you once bought, velvety red Lincoln roses with sooty hearts and soft petals, spicy and sweet and warm flowerscented souls only released in the night that smelt like hugs (with arms around and head buried in the shoulder and hair spilling down the arm).

hugs. The last time you had one. Perhaps it wasn't so much roses but of cream and old silk - grey silk like the hard concrete or dove birds with pearls. The sweaty hand that clutched yours as you walked smartly down the street with your mother walking straight ahead - as if fixed in a far distance. The sun laid hot against your back, a bright red cap that shaded your eyes from the over-large sky (so small you were, tiny and insignificant) and then you asked her that perhaps reality was really just as far away as the sky. The grip tightens and she ignores you as you walk together into the supermarket, away from the sun. Then you ask again, that perhaps this time the sky was even futher than reality and she left you standing in the empty aisle with a cutting retort you never forgot.

Images unforgotten : that is our specialty. The sepia coloured yesterdays of late afternoon sunshine on emerald trees, leaves tipped and branches glided in the purest shade of gold that warmed to amber as we waited on cracked cream and orange seats of peeling paint and creaky metal with the wind dancing merrily to the flurry of yellow flame petals that dusted the rough concrete floor with the cars rushing by to somewhere, anywhere and nowhere. The flow of buses - noisy and noxiously fumed like clugging metal boats with ungainly wheels we watched as we swung our legs against the seats, scraping paint with our heels as we made the silliest jokes about blue houses and teapots singing angst-filled songs as cheerfully as possible while delighting in the hilarious incongruity of dead babies, bleached blonde hair and sexy leather pants that caused immient impotency.

The midsummer sun has long passed, a cold sun changes to a new colour even as the wind flows past - I can never reach you. Shades of scars that mingle with the colours of new seasons - the jaded light of the sun casts a cyan tone of crystal; panes of glass that glitter and reflect your faces into mine; a falling vertigo balancing arcoss a bridge of moving patterns to watch like clockwork. The night is dying as the song ends: this slow melody that echoes so mysteriously even at it's closure. Watching, waiting - the red womb of night bleeds into the violent morning crying and flying with sparkling banners of pinks and dew greens trumpeting freely and loudly as if proclaiming the washing of sins into the night into the birthing day, The light begins to stream again - through gauze curtains as the smoke from your final cigarette dies into ashes and embers awashed with liqourice and the lemony scent of a crispy air as you breathe in. The night is over and you wake -

Alone.

+tsu waited for you at 12:37 a.m.+

Last Warnings in stupidity

I'm beginning to think that I'm just an absolute idiot.
Or I have secret masohistic tendencies.
Or that I have a liking for pain or something
because what happened today was not only unnessescary
it was pathetic, idiotic and screams of pure stupidity.

I just had to ask y'know?
Graham was nice enough to tell me without going through all that angst.
I should've just gotten over it right? After all, it was a pretty direct (if discourteous) No.

But guess what?
I just HAD TO ask.
God I hate myself so much.
And I can't even blame Gabriel even though I want to.

And this just proves to one and all that I'm not smart, nor particularly intelligent and just prone to making godawful mistakes like this this and this.

So foolish isn't it?
And there I was promising on the first day of JC never ever ever to give the chance of letting someone else in. Because darnit - it hurts *insert whiny Modernist/Existentialist reasons*

It's not so much the pain of getting rejected
but why do I always have to set myself up for it?
Graham already told me that he didn't like me
Why couldn't I just accept it and move on?

That just really drives me nuts btw
My inability to just fucking let go

--------------

Worried about Spaper ;_; pleasepleaseplease don't kick me out.
I'll even do more work if they want it as long as they don't kick me out ;_; even if it's Econs essays I'll do it.

They're reviewing the candidates again for S Lit and I'm like omgomgomgpleaseletmestay because I not only love it, I want to stay in it. But my CT results are absymal. I might have improved on Econs, but I haven't passed it yet and it's like arrrgrhhhh! *diediedie*

*sighs*
shikata nai
That's how the world seems to be these days
Don't like it? Too bad.
shikata nai all the way

Was so tired yesterday I just went home and zonked out, only to wake up this morning. Tonight there's art class with Mr James (good) and tomorrow + thursday I have tuition. Argh. Ee. Am not looking forward to anything anymore except the end of A levels.

Well
At least my jacket smells nice and clean today.
*sniffs*
And I wore a turqoise ribbon.

Anyway, I best be doing some Econs work now.

PS. I swear I'll get over it.
Promise.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:08 p.m.+

Tacky

Listening to: Radiohead + Pierrot

Yay I just got dumped by Gabriel Tan Hong Chun.
Actually "dumped" isn't the right word, more like "rejected"
Except that I kinda foresaw it, and I kinda wanted it.
It was really nice of Graham to ask on my behalf though
I didn't even ask him to do it, he just did it for me
Nice huh? :D
Although I think he feels bad right now because I wanted to be rejected. It's so weird isn't it?

Anyway!
RETAIL THERAPY!
Which means went shopping and spent more $$$
I claim it as CT sufferance pension
ahahahahaha
But I did get some really cool clothes

List

Workman pants!
I looooove them. They're this dustychalkbluegrey in coudroy with buttons instead of zips and it's really comfortable too. And they match most of my clothes~ <3<3<3 Such a lovely Bangeldashi worker colour too~

Purple knee bermudas
BRIGHT PURPLE. As in the Kaoru-dyed-hair purple with hide-pink waistband. It's kinda wacky, kinda boho-ish....very Charlie&Chocolate Factory ish. LOL. It have ribboned sides too, and feels nice and comfy~ (and so so so gay)

Tartan culottes
For sitting like a boy but preserving dignity xD xD It's a colour I don't have : blue and grey checks with red crossing. Pretty easy to match, since I own so many turqoise/grey/blue/beige clothes.

Beige skirt with people on it
Circle skirt with a print of people on it. It's quite heavy cotton, with linedrawings in red of people doing exercise, talking, shopping etc etc...ahahahaha...everytime I look at it I think of KATAMARI DARMACY!! *rolls*

*scans egl-forums*
Ahhhhh I still want Meta's sailor collection!
*wibbles*
Shall save shall tailor (and somehow find enough cash to get the minnie mouse dress too)

And OMG OMG OMG
LOOK AT THIS!
PWNED.
*dies*

Just to note: if you ever need something to laugh at, please go EGL_drama They have a whole selection of bad pics like that.

------

Kinda spazzed out that the weekend ended so quickly.
I haven't slept enough! honest!

Still feeling a little iffy over school
Maybe it's just the weather

It's so hot lately. The crankterous sun like a sultry lampshade and the air thicker than a woolen blanket - like walking through a moisture laden fog of pespiration and heat. Turkish Sauna heat.

Oh yeah I trimmed my fringe
and I'm really running out of things to say

ah well
a little drained
a little nothingish
quietly contemplative

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:30 p.m.+

In Red

Listening to: voicless screaming

Feeling angsty and emo-y
I hate feeling so conflicted.

Sewed a sailor shirt today because I didn't buy anything, plus modifying a shirt is infinitely easier than searching for one that goes over my boobs and fits nicely. Went for Lit lect, then shopping with audy. Window shopping~ So many nice sailorish clothes and I found this supercute minnie mouse dress which I will get once I have enough cash. Yay. Day over. Time to angst.

I just feel very....displaced
is that even the right word?
like those on TV with that blank, dazed look:
internally displaced persons
Not people, persons
I feel like my entire person is falling apart
Not as in human self, but persona
I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing
I keep wishing I had a rule book
To follow, to read, to stay out of trouble with
but I don't

falling alice in ribbons
the rabbit hole never ends
floating tables and chairs
tell me when to open my eyes
once i hit the bottom

I guess by now everyone realizes that I cope in school by pretending no one exists, and that the entire school is one long hallucination in which no one can touch me and I can touch no one. Like ripples of water so pretty to look at; so far away. The water is murky and depthless and there's nothing below.

I hate CJ.
I can pretend all I like to cope
But if it was ever real to me, I'll just die.
How else do you think I survived?
I had to live
I couldn't just keep on crying everyday

But see?
I'm just a freak of nature to them
The nice ones say "random" and "unique"
The notnice say "strange" and "weird"
The downright hurtful say "attentionseeking freak"

So they're scared of me
this freak.

If they treat me so unrealistically
Why can't I pretend they're not there?
Why can't I believe they don't exist?
Why can't I forget?

paint a rictus smile on your face you clown
it's limelight circus time; show time
do a twirl, sing a song, dance in the rain
for the peanut crunching faceless crowd of
mercilessly baby blue - the ironic sky blue
the showbooth sells tickets of freaks
the freak of me and the voyeur in you
so watch me now as i die slowly before you
with torcatta and music and operatic voices
so you can laugh yourself silly, you braying asses
that reality TV has never been so good.

You know what?
Fuck it.
I don't care if it's unhealthy
I just want to sit at my bustop forever and wait
Even if the train never comes.

Right now I need to tie up loose ends
Which is basically make Gabriel reject me
directly.
Then he won't have a chance of becoming real to me
I take everything back
But since I started it, I must finish it.

softly treading footsteps
sound like falling rain and dusk
across vague mossy hills
an undersea land of sky and fog
wrapped around a misty dream
-don't wake-
it's never too late to fall asleep
drowning in [ ]

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:48 a.m.+

In Red

+tsu waited for you at 12:48 a.m.+

Every planet is walking dead

I'm aliveeeeeeeeeeee

Well not really.
I'm kinda surprised I'm reasonably conscious considering I only had 2 hours of sleep.
By the time I finished all 4 essays it was already 3.30am in the morning. Then I went to bathe (but luckily did not drown) and now am walking dead.

*zonks*

PS. Gloria,I really want my Alex Garland back. Tried to look for you in class today but you weren't around.

every planet is walking dead

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:43 a.m.+

mandragora

You know you're absolutely fucked when:
- You have 4 essays (with part A and B) to hand up tomorrow
- You have 4 essays + 2 chapters of MCQ + DRQ
- In addition, You owe the library $30
- And in a fit of wibbling, told the school's biggest mouth 3/4 of your lifestory (thank god I changed names)
- And then today your teacher tells you that you might have to drop S Lit

Together: What the FUCK?

I am so so so screwed.
*highlights, underlines and stabs*
If I survive tomorrow alive
I'll promise to tell you

--------

There are times I wish I wasn't an idiot, but idiocy seems to overcome me at times (like now, like yesterday, like last week) Repeat after me: Don't Trust Christian. Why why why why why? I don't even have the excuse of being drunk because I hardly ever get drunk, even then when I'm drunk I become painfully quiet and withdrawn.

And I'm problably going to sound irritating, but I think I did really badly for CTs. Yeah yeah yeah I got 40/50 for Pract Crit and a 37/50 for GP but I screwed up Econs with a 'O' pass and Art with a C. Apparently just because I can draw I'm supposed to be magically able to fit into the system immediately, even though I know PRACTICALLY NOTHING ABOUT IT until this year. This is also with the fact that all the other people have truckloads of pre-made past prepwork in which they blanko the grades and mount it to make it look present day. FUCK.

*begins to feel the pressure*

At the same time some of the J2 members of Editorial are being total asses, and there are a few reluctant J1s who are so "I'm So Bored" that I wonder why they even bothered to join. We're easygoing, but there is (as it should be) a limit. Then I just realized that I have the NYAA report due in May and I've only completed 2/5 of the total reports. Argh. Foooooooooookshiteeee

I just feel like I'm in a fucking circus
A circus full of clowns, elephants and bright lights
Suddenly shoved into a ring and made to play a part
Which I never really wanted to play
And then it goes on and on again
Like that stupid song my friends
Juggling this and that while smiling like a clown
Yay. Whatever. Fall over.
Just waiting for everything to suddenly break
And watch all fragments fly while laughing at those frightened faces
Of you.

I suppose the best part about this whole darn thing is that people expect me to be dejected because of Gabriel. Look. People, I'm not in love with him. There is no logical way you can love someone within a span of 4 weeks and while I think he's interesting as a person, he's not my type. I don't find him sexy (even if Xiao An tries to convince me) because if I did, I would actually remember how he looked like wouldn't I? Not to mention that I'm leaving the country next year (finally!) and that I think that all guys in JC are boys. Yes you read it right. BOYS : as in dirty, unwashed, unshaven little soccer kids with scrapped knees and highschool angst and so totally self-absorbed in the personal comtemplation of themselves, their lives and What Is Your Inner Self!? that even if the sky actually fell, they won't even notice cos they're too much into staring at their reflection (be it mental, physical or *gag* - metaphysical)

So can people please stop giving me sympathetic looks, pity pharses straight out of chick lit books, arms round the shoulders and being quiet around me suddenly as if someone had died? I don't really give a fuck if you talk about me, but you can do it infront of me. I won't punch you, I swear on my pinkies and toes but don't expect me to look dejected, depressed or whatever your twisted soap-opera infested minds can think of. OMG SHE LOOKS HAPPY! It's a sign that she's pretending cos she's secretly in love with him like TV!

*makes kyo-esque puking sounds*

And it's either because the idea of me in lurve (so romantic!) is so charming to others that they cannot help but give "aawww"ing sounds or because .....I don't know.... brains fried from too much rote learning? That they have to come up with this

But the problem is that life doesn't work that way
Because you see? He said NO.
(But he secretly means yes! he's just scared of being hurt/afraid/shy/confused/ again!)
Seriously...........
Some people...........
Whatever.
Like I said, I just think he's interesting as a person and perhaps as a friend. I'm not relationship material and he screams: "I'm a Superfical!Egoistic!Pretentious!Snob of a bastard!" totally gaurentees that he doesn't find me attractive either. I'm not pretty (superfical!), nor worshipful (egosistic!), nor particularly fond of funny nowhere accents (pretentious!) or in favour of viewing people as scum (snob!). And bastards? LOL. I don't think they like girls who actually talks back.

Anyway
I'm really fucked.
Back to essay writing

Oh yeah dear? I have lecture on Sat from 9am-10am, so I can meet you anytime later. If I'm a little zoned it's cos I haven't really slept this week. Wasn't ignoring you online, just feel really cranky and tired all the time (sleeping in the library gives you a neck crick) + <3<3<3 and <3<3<3 for the last 2 nights......miss you

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:38 a.m.+

Purchase

I think I need sleep
so cranky today in school

A little irritated at myself
maybe for not trying harder for CTs
but I think it's more in the lines of just being tired of being tsu
restless....
i'm tired of being tsu
but that's so weird right?
how can you be tired of yourself?
Those "I am who I am" people will problably not get it.

i don't know why i'm so sick of being tsu
maybe it's a side effect of being sick of school-self
sometimes i think i go to the library not so much to study as to hide, because books allow you to be something else besides yourself and it's just so nice to not be me for a while.

i'm kinda off now
scrabbling, stratchy sounds
like crickets that cannot get out
and kill themselves with high instectile squeals
inside a cage
until all that's left is the carcasses and fleas.

a thousand eyes stare unblinking

i don't know why i'm so cranky
i should be happy because i just got a 38/50 for GP
massive ownnage...
*turns into a furniture*
*blows fringe*
*horizontal*

or maybe i'm just hungry for not eating.

love

+tsu waited for you at 03:33 p.m.+

double-blogging

Usual spiel at the entry below.
Read at your own discretion.

feeling a little restless
don't really know why
and i'm a little scared too
not overwhelmingly freaked - but just an inkling of alertness
and it's just so draining to be like that 24/7
i hate to be so whiny but the holidays weren't really much of a break.

sometimes i wish i didn't need to stay in school so long
less time for yurameki......when was the last time?
and the truth is that JC feels like a future
not nessescarily THE future
but a future
a long, intermittedly mundane one
in which i dissolve into work and pretenses
gaiety, laughter and glittery lights
it's like the way jim dine complained that his hands were too glib at drawing to ever draw badly
i feel the same way too
too glib at pretending
a little self-hatred i guess

i suppose an overdose in beliving in objectivity is the problem
people hold rationality like a flag
waving it about like some great thing
in a world that worships the religion of science
what's not surprising?

but nothing is really ever objective isn't it?
so what's the point of it?
statistical. numerical. emperical.
people who throw numbers around to protect themselves
I am So Objective and I Praise Numbers
and all that rubbish

need to be less pragmatic and stop weighing stuff
because if i go on like this - instinct says i'll just end up as workaholic and perhaps even as ruthless as my father
or maybe even worse

must stop being so calculative
but JC doesn't really help except to squish
no wonder i hate that place so much
no wind.
no real wind anyway.
desert of nothingness, middle of nothingness

watch clock
all that cal

Everything is just a bunch of random dots people fruitlessly try to connect to make sense of it all.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:55 p.m.+

In which equalibirium is restored and much hilarity ensues: the second coming of polka

Listening to: various

Am very amused.
As seen like;
Am very amused! :D

Everytime I think about it I just can't stop giggling, which seems to scare the poor passerbys who problably think I'm insane - laughing madly to myself as I'm waiting for the bus. tut tut, A level stress and they'll shake their heads solemnly at me, my cream kittycat and pink!umbrella.

Mr. Gabriel Tan is terrified of me
As in the moment we are within visual distance, he scurries away as fast as possible.

*falls over laughing*
ahahahahahahhaha

I didn't believe it at first, but after he did it continously I was like "wahahahahahaha :D" because it was just so superfunny (and so pathetic as well). Imagine: a big tall relatively scary looking person with emo glasses scared of a relatively short, pink!umbrella, kittycase carrying girl.

I think he thinks I'm stalking him
Or at least that's what I can garner from that expression of social terror.

Seriously though - I don't give a fuck Kafetheresu. I wrote a beautifully neat little letter, done my duty and now I can just watch as he mindscrews himself into reading what doesn't exist. *shrugs* What can I say? I'm really really amused though :D This totally makes up for not even getting a reply...because! Amazing! Mr Gabriel Tan is scared! Like "I want my mommy" scared!

*starts laughing again*

I just can't forget his expression today when I waved to Graham (I didn't even realize he was there because his back was turned) then he immediately tapped the shoulder of the girl opposite him and woosh! disappeared. Wah. xD xD xD Only to reappear when I'm gone, then when I dashed back borrowing photocopying card he was like WTF? NOOOO! - hah so funny~

I feel like sticking my tongue :P
and going nyah! everytime just to see if he'll jump if I acknowledge his presence.

Ahhhhhh~ possibilities
xD xD xD

-------------

Sometimes I wish I could stuff every single (so-called) "Modernist" down the damned drain, run them through my steel cheese grater and then mash them in a processer.

It's just irritating.

Ever since our school started on Modernism everyone's been going : "Oh I'm really into it." Then proceed to talk about angsty!Isolation of Human Soul, pointless!Sarte-esque Nauseating Existence and cliched!Aimlessness of Life with a healthy dose of pop-induced psychology such as Avril Lavgine, Evaneascene and other "I'm in PAAAAAAIN!" music. This might or might not include emo types who pose with loaded bookshelves which they never read, attention seekers who found the latest trend in posing and of course, adolscent, overlygushy types who have far too much of a social life.

It's just so weird.
Modernism isn't particularly "modern" in any sense
As a movement that began in the late 1800s all the way up to mid 1990s - it's well.....kind of overdone don't you think?

Not exactly the newest idea on the block.

But what I really can't stand are those types who flaunt their apparent angst-ridden "modern-ness" without actually ever -reading- a damned modernist book. Maybe they dug througha copy of DH. Lawerence, but unless you start reading alarmingly dense, overly obscure and woefully annoying books like Virgina Woolf or worst still, James Joyce DO NOT (repeat) DO NOT, talk to me about how "modern" you are. I will just laugh at you. hee hee

And the scary thing is that people think I'M "modernist". WTF? To an extent everyone should be, because philosophy tends to rely on the universal (like emotion) but I don't believe in modernism. It's a frighteningly bleak philosophy - empty, arid, airless and inhumane. It's like anti-human. Connectionless, touchlessly grey and flat, like a tonal landscape that doesn't go any farther or closer even though you move forward. Like a sky of charcoal and ground of white, split evenly in the middle with no end at sight.

Ah well.
*shrugs*
shikata nai about these people.
Let them just learn for themselves right?

---------

Sleepless Beauty reminds me of a topless bar in Bangkok - the entire rhythm is like that of a fashion photoshoot/cabret with a chorus background (which sounds vaguely like the way girls tease crowds).

I'm a little tired now

Today I thought of polka dots - little floating pastel circles against a black background that taste like lifesavers candy; chaotic little dots to swim up to as though you were in a tank - the aquatic-ness of it. And then we try to connect it, make sense of it with whatever rationality - all these lifesaving candy dots. Polka dots. Such a lovely sound isn't it? polka Like a dance, a twirl of skirt, the skip of a beat - or maybe the beat that we skipped together.

It's rather nice to draw on your own actually, it's becoming a habit to just shift everything downstairs to draw in silence. I guess it's mainly because I hardly get any work done around people (unless you count reading) because my concentration will just disappear - man being social animal blah blah blah. Urgh. Sometimes I can't stand myself. Maybe if I was a theorizing French, or Francophile maybe, but people shouldn't go around analyzing every damned thing. It's unhealthy (and overly theoractical)

Anyway the sky was having some problems
It rumbled, it thundered, it darkened apporiatedly but like every constipation sufferer - it never came.

Feeling a little quiet.

The whole JC1 orientation just strikes up funny feelings I guess - I still remember how unhappy I was here. As much as I like to shove things aside and pretend nothing happened (tsu be escapist!) I can't really forget. It's the little things that bother me y'know? A little disassociative feeling.

And I do miss audy.
Very very much.
Still.

Today I wrote a letter again
to you my darling
a pointless letter in the auditorium
such as sitting on the floor hearing people posterize
and then I thought of you
how much more fun it would be if you were around
because it just feels so lonely here
even surrounded by people I know who care
they -do- care and as much as I appreciate it
You're still the specialest

Urk so sappy.
Just a little lonely I guess
Everyone finding girlfriends/boyfriends
Ahahahahaha.........I should just marry my computer
Or my cat. Or my pillow. Or my books.
:D
smileysmileysmiley

love
tsu