Fresh and healthy as the breeze

Listening to: Interpol

LJ is being evil thus I cannot update the list nor look at rxl_fans or egl comm or foto_decadent. It's annoying! It's even more annoying because it just gets stuck when you need it most.

Went to Orchard on my own because audy is too caught up with work. Yesterday I had a strange realization that I couldn't remember exactly how she looked like, because I don't see her around anymore. Yes okay, I'm busy but so is everyone and it would be nice if you showed more concern than just "oh, okay." I mean it's absolutely wonderful that you don't mind me disappearing for the next month due to exams, but your lack of reaction suggests that you'll rather have me not around which is unfeeling and makes me wonder why I think you're special sometimes.

Like, gee I feel so appreciated now.

It's like she doesn't want me around and I'm a bloody chore to be with. Right, if I'm so much of a burden to her - I'll rather she say it straight to me than pretend to be nice. I have no wish to be anyone's dependant.

Anyway I met up with shaoyang, whom I bought REAL! BABY! socks from. As in REAL! BABY! socks which cost me a mini-fortune in terms of sock-age. However the trochon lace (double layered!) gorgeous with a cute ribbon running through it, and it was thick and knitted with the BTSSB logo printed at the bottom. I am in love~<3 Almost worshipful in face of such loli-ness <3~~

Shaoyang was really nice and pretty too. She's a year older than I, and doing Nursing in NYP (I could make a lot of bad loli-nurse jokes but I won't cos she's nice hah!). Walked to Plaza Sing with her and as far as I can tell, a good person in general. I hope she'll come for the tea party though~~:D Browsed through Spotlight, she bought some fabric paint and ZOMG! they have christmas prints which could be doubled as border prints it cut properly I guess~ *poke sak* let's have matching skirts for christmas!:D It'll be so totally cute.

I'm really looking forward to the end of year though~ So many wonderful things going on. Starting with 30th Nov with school prom, then 3rd to 10th Dec I'll be in Italy, then 16th in EoY and 18th is SG Garden Festival, come Christmas on the 25th, then EGL teaparty on the 30th and NewYear on 1st Jan.

So exciting!~

----------------

It's just sometimes....sometimes I wonder what will happen if I leave. People like audy - well, will they miss me? It feels so replacable sometimes. And no matter how many platituides of "of course we'll remember you!" - I can't believe it because it's just words. Words are things people lie with and are distrustful by nature.

It doesn't help that life itself feels so intangible and unreal at times - almost surrealistically amplified with with truths stranger than fiction, and nightmares about the sun. So it feels like this - train stations and bus stops with wrong moments and bad oppotunity and misanthrophic strangers. All those uncaptured feelings. All those lost.

A transistor radio that recalls static:
Houston, can you hear me from the moon?

Listening to Judith talk is fascinating.
Subcultures!! OMG widescale social experiments.
Okay going to listen.

bye!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:37 p.m.+

Last train of the day

Listening to: Placebo

Meh....audy isn't replying online. *sighs* I've been trying for the last 30mins and she's just off on la-la land and like, I still don't know if we're meeting tomorrow or not. Maybe I'll just call because I'm really sleepy and have a headache.

Woke up late today, then met up with Alicia and Clare at the airport to study. The bus ride was really funny, people thought I was a tourist AGAIN and seriously it was the first time I managed to get a seat on the 174 (by pretending to be a Japanese tourist!) and not only that, I had great service and lots of people helpfully leading me to the right direction - some to the extent that they walked me to the correct place. Great~ goes to show SG people are only polite to the tourist (and his/her wallet). Had my usual carrot cake which was delicious. Unfortunately, their English Breakfast just isn't up to standard - it's too floral and there's this weird astrigent aftertaste which should NOT be there. English Breakfast is supposed to be a warm, woodish, full-bodied kind of tea.

Moved to the gallery around 6-ish, then bought dinner at Crystal Jade bakery at 7pm. ZOMG I FINISHED BNW! It's such a relief it's over. It's lovely to study with them though~ It's nice to have people to talk to and laugh with when you feel like taking a break, it feels less alone - all that existential feelings disintegrate in view of actual reality. At the same time having others helps in 'choping' (reserving) seats, buying food, refilling water, sleeping on etc etc......Oh yeah, Alicia has nice shoulders to sleep on <3~

Got home really late though, around 11pm and now I have a mini-headache localized on the right side of my brain. *sighs* I feel rather tired.......

--------------------

I was just thinking......how beautiful it looks at night. Watching the planes in the gallery is a strangely beautiful thing - in the day, it's like a greyed creluean blue, a glazed porcelein bluegreen that makes you think of pots - big glassy pots and little white planes with squares of sunlight. Almost as though if you held it in your hands, you could shake these little planes, pour it out and watch it flutter into the sky.

But at night.....it's like looking at lights. Floating lights.

Maybe it's the effect of the steel grilles over the glass, but it looks so mysterious - floating lights of different colours over a orange-washed runway. That kind of orange nightlight - those cheap ones washed across grey concrete that makes you think of streetlamps and taxis and jungles urbanized. Then these odd floating lights that glide above or descend from the distance - something mythological perhaps, like those will'o'wisps that hover and trick the eyes.

I like it. The lights.
They make me think of other things.
Far more beautiful. Far more unutterable.
To just feel it without words.

It's so strange sometimes. Lights. Tunnels. Chugkak-chugkak. The trains hurtling through tunnels. Abovehead dangle the arm grips, across are those orange seats. Blank faces. Hurtle. chugkak-chugkak. It seems to be something to be said. But not now. I'm rather tired and incoherent.

What did Mozart do when he died?
He decomposed

Love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:04 a.m.+

The First Day

Thursday

I couldn't really sleep well before my GP paper (first exam jitters), so I tried the deep breathing thing I saw on TV and emptied by brain and bingo! Sleep. Okay now I know how it works.

Considered question 1 (Do you think charity is meaningless in today's world?) and 2 (Pictures are more powerful than mere words) and while I dearly dearly love to do Qns 1, I did 2 instead. I think the problem with Prelims was that it caused me to doubt myself - because now I know I really could've done question 1 - but at that point in time I felt it was too risky. It's not like question 2 isn't risky either though. Think I went OutofPoint on the third point, so I quickly switched back to something basic. It's hard to explain to someone why the written word is more powerful because it can transcend the concept of 'time', which both art and spoken word cannot.

Ah well~ I tried anyway.

Comprehension was surprisingly easy. I think partily because it's a topic I can be passionate about and also because for once, the demands of the questions were not crazily high. The summary was okay, the AQ I completed, the only part that I couldn't really 'get' was question 6 ; where they asked you to find 2 instances. It was just so damned bloody vague okay? *sighs*

Went out with Alicia, Clare and Rachel Koh for lunch~ ZOMG! Rachel and I saw this really cool book which had pictures and pictures of winter landscapes which we <3 over. It's funny how our ideal homes are almost exactly alike (beach + sea + white peeling paint house) except that mine is less cold than her's. She likes the frozen iceberg kind of 'black sea', I'm more the dry, windspent grass with a 'bluegrey' sea. I like cold, but within limits thanks~~ Even stranger is that we both paint our bedrooms the same colour in different shades lol. Mine's lighter (watercress!blue), her's is darker (blue lagoon).

Oh and she lent me the Interpol CDs!!!!!!!!
Much love!

Went for tuition (reluctantly), saw a golden sparkling tree that reminded me of the Apples of Iduana in Norse mythology and nearly slept during tuition. Ahahaha~ We were telling each other lame jokes to keep ourselves awake. But anyway, it's the last tuition of the year after which I'll be as FREE AS A BIRD! (joking!)

Couldn't get audy on the phone, ah well. So I called Clare instead to double check what time to meet tomorrow to study. Gossiped about people with her, then watched TV. I'm terribly bored without the computer. *sighs*

Anyway going to airport now.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:17 p.m.+

Dirge

dirge, moan and wail
claw your bleeding arms into sacrifical skies
the furies unleashed, the bared siren teeth

Listening to 2046 OST is like listening to the funeral song of a trainwreck that is about to happen. It's tumulous, somewhat how I'm feeling - irritated, frustrated, incomprehensibly connected and railing at Fate. It also helps that it's swanky with electric violins and bass and cellos because there's nothing whinier than a bunch of string instruments crackified on electricity.

Anyway, I'm peculiarly clumsy today and managed to stratch/bump/bruise myself 9! times on the same table. This said table also happens to be my computer table, so I'm kinda annoyed that at the last moment - the moment when I'm desperate enough to randomly surf wikipedia in hopes of acquiring knowledge I keep getting kicked for it. Oh irony! I think it's trying to tell me I should pay attention to classes next time.

Read up on everything I could think of from the RJC girl's insensitivity to Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligences to Nature VS Nurture to "Noble Savage." Just kidding on the last one! Seriously~ but I did flip through some parts cos I think if any question on say......Natural Primitivism I could problably answer it. You see, I really don't know what the cows will come out. I just hope it's something I can do. My ideal question will veer on religion, spirituality and modern existence and death with maybe Miachellvian overtones and lots and lots of Barthes' social mythological aspects.

Maybe I should go read up on Plato again :(

The last time I read The Republic was as a pissedoff 16 year old who felt that since the world was so bloody unfair, she was jolly well going to screw the system. Actually I hope politics doesn't come out - I have a strong dislike of politicking, even if it's realpolitik.

*le sigh*

Spent most of the day catching up with my favourite SGnewsblog, www.yawningbread.org. I'm seriously indebted to this guy. Why his blog though when there's so many other more popular ones like Kitana's (Coffee and Cigarettes) or Mr Brown?

Because, unlike most SG bloggers
He's really really logical.
He literally crafts his arguement

And it's structured, ordered and simplified in such a way that its a pleasure to read, and hopefully, some of his MAD SKILLZ will rub off me and I'll score for my GP. Just to prove it works, I used one of his articles as research before, and got a 40 for GP esay.

Anyway, I should go.
Sleep is important.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:34 p.m.+

a squared sunlight

It feels weird to see sunlight so bright when the sky is so white. It's not really white though, if I look hard enough (against the glare, against the light) I can see the faintest brush of blue - pale pale alice blue that borders on luminious white. It's just that whitish skies and maple syrup sunshine on brown parquet doesn't sit right with me. Rather improper, I think.

Studied yesterday at Coffee Bean, which is miles more comfortable than the gallery (I still miss the view though) Wiggled happily on the red velveteen sofa and bought myself a huge slice of carrot cake and a cup of Viennese coffee. I don't usually drink coffee, but I like Viennese coffee because it's dark, bitter and really really rich in a chocolatey way. I like drinking it dark and sweet until it gets to room temperature, then douse it with enough milk to make it into a grande creme (think...80%milk, 20%coffee). And I was really good yesterday ^^ Only used 4! packets of sugar~~~

It saddens me however, to hear that Gabriel Tan likes Viennese coffee too and calls it a "bitch". Excuse me, but the one who's bitchy is you. Viennese coffee happens to be one of the first few coffees to be drunk in society, which lead to the birth of Kafeklutch or Cafe Culture back in the 1800s.

*stirs coffee slowly* It's depressing to learn that he and I are so much alike. But then again, it's also depressing to learn that I have vain aunts, bland cousins, chauvenistic father and a vulgar grandmother. So I guess, it's up to me to transcend all this.

Insufferable though. Sometimes.

Moved to the big table later cos Clare wanted to do essays for GP while I continued plowing through the sordid lives of World State Citizens and the comical horror of Johnny-boy. I refuse to call him John the Savage, it's just dumb and pretentious okay? Almost as bad as the fool who calls himself a noble savage. For people like that I will giggle and snicker over. I mean seriously?!?! "Noble Savage" is an 18th century term - the concept of "nature's gentleman" that a person is essentially good, part of the Romantic beliefs of man and nature.

I find it really really hard to swallow that though.

Studied till 9pm, shared a salad with Clare for dinner. Honestly though, it's surprisingly filling. I think the trick is to eat continously during the day so that you never feel hungry at all even if you eat so little. Though, most of the things I eat are usually really really sweet, so by nightfall I crave salt.

Got a lift from her mom, and I'm really grateful for it. Reached home at 10, bathed changed then went online. Posted the lolita tea party attendence list and now I'm slacking off in preperation for tomorrow's GP exam.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:54 p.m.+

Pulse

I keep forgetting to change the volume of my player everytime I change from speaker to earphone. Owww >_< earkill

Rolled out of bed - I think I sleep better with fan than air-con , air-con makes my skin clammy and it's just too cold to feel comfortable in. Took 174, then 36 to the airport and all I have to say is....DON'T BOTHER. Seriously, the journey is a frikkin 2 hrs long using that route. Not to mention 36 comes every 34.5 minutes. No thanks. I'll risk the MRT next time.

Although, the view from the ECP highway is fantastic
As in really treetop high, sparkling river pretty
I'll take that for fun next time, but not for travelling

Then I got delayed because all vehicles entering airport has to be checked - with metal detectors, under-reflecters and TWICE (once in each terminal).Oh and they check your bus pass/ticket too. No wonder our airport tax is so bloody high *le sigh*

Studied in the gallery at first then after freezing, moved down to Coffee Bean. That place is frighteningly cold. As in meat-locker cold. At 3pm in the afternoon when the sun is blazing, the average tempreture there is roughly 15 degrees celsius. And if you're sitting on the freezing tile floor, you can almost feel your glutes maximus (aka. BUTTOCKS) become numb and frostbitten. I'm not naturally suspectible to cold, but I wear long sleeved shirt, long pants and a thick jacket there because I know better than to freeze.

Moved to CoffeeBean later and blissed out on sofas <3
And I just realized that I sit very strangely :x
Didn't notice till Clare pointed it out

I dunno....I dislike sitting with my feet touching the floor facing forward - I like sitting sideways, with my feet on the arms of the chair ^^ It's a weird habit, but I type like that too. Anyway got myself a carrot-cake and ate all the frosting and all by myself and was quite happy. Read, highlight, eat cake! :D I totally believe L's philosophy that cake makes you think better. Now if only I can convince everyone to buy me cake........hmmm....which cake should I try tomorrow? I think the blueberry cheesecake looks great, but it's not big enough. The chocolate mudpie is tempting, but looks dry and un-chocolately plus it has white chocolate topping. I'm thinking of the triple-layered truffle chocolate but it's the most expensive at .90 a slice.

Descisions descisions descisions.....
I like making these kinds of descisions though :D

Or maybe I should have the carrot-cake with creamcheese icing again? It's so yummy, the icing. I ate all the cake then gluped the icing. Icing is so yummy~<3

Anyway studied enough Econs to make me entirely sick of UBIN, tomorrow will be MCQ and BNW - or so I hope. It's productive I think....maybe I should burn an OST CD to tag along.

cheers~~and ganbatte to everyone!
May our sanity see us through~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:27 p.m.+

Shounen Onmyoji

Lucky chance download! (okay, more like random download) I really like it though~ the opening is catchy, the storyline is kinda like Fushigi Yuugi-meets-Yami no Matsuei-on-crack! feeling and I already like the main chara <3~ he's so cute and funny.

It also helps that there's 12 sexy shikigami YAOI bishounens (foreshadowed by the ending song)

Very nice, smooth animation, nice music (OP by Kanno) and overall, I'm rather happy over it.

Plus! It proves my theory that All Onmyoujis are Gay :D

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:41 p.m.+

SweetyHoney

It's been a busy weekend. Quite, anyway.

Saturday 7am in the bloody morning Mrs Low called to say thank you for the fruits. As much as I appreciate the gesture, I really prefer sleeping. 7am is nowhere near normal waking hour for me - I'm not a chippy early bird. In fact, I'm grounchy, mean, cranky, despoiled and violent in the mornings. To say I dislike mornings is the understatement of the century. I'm the type to throw pillows at people, give them the evil eye and smash my alarm clock. Bleh.

Anyway I took the call and realized that I don't really know what happened to other IJ people. Seriously. I don't. I can't honestly say what Vanessa Paranjouti is doing even though I bump into her in school, nor can I honestly answer to questions about other people's lives, grades or general welfare. It's not that I actively dislike people, it's more like since I don't feel any affrinity with them or any semblence of connection other than extending basic courtesy (as to, another human being) - I can't honestly say I care. It was nice talking to her though - like a certain softness - maudlin sentiment perhaps? lol

Went back to sleep the moment the call dropped.
What else d'you expect me to do? Wake up?

Finally woke around 11am 'cos my aunt and aunt-sister (hee! bad joke!) was coming. Truthfully, I dislike them. Listening to their conversation (yes, I'm sure having plastic surgery on your foot will save millions of lives) makes me at their level of maturity - had they never developed past the adolscent obsession of being skinny, being rich and looking pretty? It's even more saddening to realize that they're not 18 year olds, but 40-somethings with hushbands and kids and YET! They go on and on about vegetable diets, exercise and body part after body part.

It's irritating.
But you know what's more irritating than that?
Condescenion

I don't want to explain. :x
Go figure.

Anyway went haircutting, which was hilarious because I booked an appointment with the wrong place and ended up in the wrong haircuttin' shop. The place I had a voucher for was called Kelture, the place I went to was called Kerise (wtf with all the Ks? New trend?) Ended up cutting my hair without the voucher. It's not really short, but feels depressingly short to me. From waist length to mid back! Horrors. It feels much lighter though - mainly because the guy went crazy with layers, to the point that my ponytail suddenly went all anoxeric on me - and BAM! became a rat-tail, or whatever you call them. He also gave me a really really blunt loli-fringe (think hime-cut) which was honestly unintentional because I didn't ask for one. I refuse to have it anyway, so I push it back. It makes me look too much like a china doll -_________- It's a nice haircut though, not too ah-lian/air-stewardess (aka. brown, rebonded and superslick) nor is it those I-wish-I-was-Wapanese cuts with those loose wispy curls and layered fringes.

I miss having long hair, but I like this one.
It'll grow anyway~

Oh plus it cut off all the parts which I dyed my hair
So it's really soft again :D

Went shopping with mom and then I insisted we go Shaw Centre because I kept on seeing so many tai-tais going in there and I wondered why. ZOMG WE FOUND SO MANY COOL SHOPS. There's this shop that's just entirely filled with eveningwear, another filled with stacks and stacks of shoes, tiny hole-in-wall types selling real, Italian-from-Milan, calfskin handbags for only ! (that's almost almost costprice.) Lots of cool stuff, I had fun just trying on :D I tried this really pretty silk sundress, then a bunch of ballgowns (just for kicks~) and just playing~

See auddy? It's not that I don't like to try on stuff, it's just that I don't like to try on the same stuff all the time :D sense of adventure! Rediscovery! Pretend to be someone else for a change!

I mean a pair of jeans is a pair of jeans (even if they come from different shops) but ballgowns? Spiky boots? Awesomely big bubble skirts with built in petticoats? Bring it on!

Oh yeah, Isetan has new pocky flavours: Black Seasame, Honey&Milk, Grape, 5fruit and the PockyMousse range. I suggest the Honey&Milk, it tastes really really good.

Went home, changed, printed the map and met up with dad. I haven't seen him in a while (understatement of the year) and okay, he looks fine. Lost a bit of weight, but it's a good thing. Dinner at Pataya, great food as usual - talked about studies and he not-so-subtly told me that he thought Journalism was a waste of time, and the Fashion Design was borderline insanity. But then again, he's an engineer who wears scruffy sandals into Dunhill and doesn't know the difference between an ascot and a tie.

Then I told him that it's unfortunately, I might have the grades to enter Finance, but I definitely do not have the god-given talent. In scientific terms, I'm a regressive genotype. Which means that I have whatever latent genes my parents had but never used. So apparently, in his words, I inherited my great-grandfather's genes who was an imperial scholar who made wax seal stamps. Carved them anyway. Gee, I feel so blessed.

LOL, whatever. But I do know my limitations.
And that's one of them.

It's illogical to him because he doesn't understand it, for me, it's perfectly logical. I'm matching my occupation with my strongest strengths. Like an RPG. You don't make your highest ATK into a mage right? Or viceversa? In Final Fantasy terms, you don't make Auron into a party healer right?

So however, I've made my decision.
It doesn't matter whether I get into Finance or Journalism
because I'll be doing a sandwhich course at St Martin's at the same time.

If I get into Finance, all fine and dandy. I'll have the business smarts to make my enteprise work. If I get into Journalism, I'll have the media contacts.

I think...... along the way I lost sight of myself and ended up not knowing what to do. I forgot that what I wanted was very different from being a fashion designer of a big name brand. I wasn't interested in pandering for the rich, I didn't want to be famous - I wanted to make clothes for people. Wearable clothes. For people of every shape, every size and every colour. To design something fitting yet personal for every level of income or personality.

Not haute couture. Not ready-to-wear either.
But rather....a personal expression?

And I kinda lost that - deluded in my own narcissim and dreams.

all along the way
a pining moon
watched over
me

So I've decided. And it seems so easy now - A levels. Now that I know where I'm going......Seems like less important. Less panicked. Less......determining.

Sent my siblings home, then he dropped me off at Josephine's party. Interesting. He talked about how he never finished school - 1 year of secondary, 2 years at Poly then thurst into the Big Bad World. I sense....regret and maybe....a sincere hope of a better future for his children. I liked him then. Like that. A concern he doesn't usually show. Makes him remember he's actually my father.

Bumped into Melody at Josephine's party. Caught up with some gossip: Kathleen and Kim are no longer in speaking terms, Helena's gone to NYP Sports, Elsa's got an American slang and she's haunting everywhere like a cursed ghost. Elsa Lim. Interesting thought. I grew up with her - 10 years in her class but we were never close. Listening to Melody makes me predict that she'll end up badly burnt - drugs, sex, - you pick. Drifting. Aimless. Problably will hate herself in the future. Filled with regret. Wasted

Well....what can I say?
It happens

She reminds me of a those deranged women from kabuki shows with their faces garishly painted: black eyeliner, red rouge and blue eyeshadow. A face that peers from the dark. Boo. Like a haunted creature driven by desperation, seeking for attention in the worst places. It's quite pathetic, to watch someone do this.

Sounds like her history will repeat itself.
And there she was, two years ago telling us....
.....telling us never to be like that.

*sighs*

Fate, it seems, eats up people.
Swallows them whole, consuming
Only to spit them out
Barely remembered, broken
bitter to all ravages
of fate.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:16 p.m.+

So I did, didn't I?

Watched finished the entire season 1 of Veronica Mars - I think I'm going to hell for this one. Or at least, screw up for A's. It's like withdrawl symptoms + sheer lack of drive. Whatever. I suddenly feel like smoking pink bubblegum and becoming Nancy Drew.

I actually studied today. A little. Read through some Econs essays (if I see another transmission mechanism essay I will kill myself. Or Supply Side policy for the matter. ARGH.) But! I have to strive on, especially since I need another A (and I have a feeling that it'll have to be Econs. Bleh.) My Labour Theory needs work too.....While I know MRP = MPP X MR, I can't seem to remember that MR = Wage. Fuck. *sighs*

Spent the day mostly with my sister, which was nice. Nice isn't the most descriptive thing - but it does suit it right. A sort of warm, casual feeling of nonsensical sisterly talking, a comfortable amount of innuendo-ing (Yes sis, Jin does have a thing for GOD Chaos) and ogling over OSTs. Xenosaga definitely tops the chart for best OSTs, although my personal favourite will always be GIS and Macross Plus - it's a creepy-tsu thing okay? It's the techno-mix + creepy chorus vocals + spooky atmosphere which really really does it for me. I might hate horror movies with a passion, but I love techno-noir choral music a la Yoko Kanno, Yuki Kaijuira.

It just reminds me so much of a theatre. Like white masks and gauze screens fluttering (floating?), Styx rivers and slient boats puncuated by ripples of water that sound like chiming bells. Like an grey post-modern Venice. Post-modern is just about right. Or if you're picky, Gibsonian-style futuristic retro evil.

So while Xenosaga (all of 'em) honestly comes tops with best overall soundtracks (HEPATICA! PROMISED PLAN! ABEL'S ARK! TESTEMENT!!!<3<3<3<3<3<3) I prefer the atmosphere of GIS, Macross and maybe even Evangelion. Sick right? And I like listening to it alone, at night - infront of my sliently humming computer.

No wonder I get nightmares. LOL.

Planning to cut my hair tomorrow - what should I do? It's too long and when it's wet, it already hits my waist (thus I can cut it damnnit - I didn't break my promise to Yoshiki-san) I was just thinking: do a normal haircut - layer a little, shave off the split ends and give myself a good shampoo + conditioner. For a person who never bothers to comb or condition, my hair's in a decent state. Seriously. I'm surprised sometimes how much it can withstand. Looks like the guy who said hair is 1000x stronger than steel wasn't lying then.

Oh yeah~ The PSI finally dropped to below 50 and the sky is actually blue again!<3 I never thought I'll miss seeing blue skies but I do. It's so strange isn't it? Usually I like 'nothing' skies - white and grey and seemingly void and full at the same time, like living in the bottom of a wastepaper basket. But seeing blue skies - however faintly blue, makes me rather happy today. It's like the feeling of wintriness approaching, the blue being less brilliant but more crystalline - and somehow more sublime for it. Strange, but cool.

Okay I really have to go.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:46 a.m.+

The indecision that calls me

Listening to: Stamina Rose - GIS

a harmony
is so difficult to follow
with so many voices singing
discordant
capcohanous
a soaring capella of
unending
indescision[?]

Met Mr James in the morning.....he can't really help me either because he's more fine arts than fashion. So he contacted Susanna for me, which I'm really grateful. The reality has sunk in. Reality. How harsh the word sounds.

To chose between passion and security
Passion.
Love.
The racing wind, the soaring adrealine
The speed, the momenteous high
To feel
in excitement.

On the other hand, I value stability.
I value comfort, a peace of mind, security.
Maybe because my childhood was so disjointed
Maybe because after so many near-moments
I value peace. Inner peace.

The truth is that no one can answer the questions except myself. No one else can - should - determine my future. I might not love finance, but I certaintly enjoy it. I might not like journalism very much, but I'm fairly sure that I'll succeed competently in it. I love fashion - I really truly do - but unless I'm the best, I won't risk it.

It's just so....irritating.
I hate to sound pompous, but I know that with some effort, I could problably succeed in any field that I want to. I don't know why, but I just know it. Somehow. It's not to say I'm a genius (LOLz my math is bad), but I know all these fields I've picked I can succeed in. Self-knowledge perhaps?

It's just that for fashion
EVERYTHING is so uncertain.
People talk of "following your dreams" without knowledge of disillusionment.

There are a couple of ways around it, here's what it entails:

route 1: enter St Martin, go straight into fashion
Easily the fatest, but also the highest risk simply because there's no backup. I'll be relying solely on talent alone without Plan B. There's no room for failure in this one. It's a you're either In or you're Out kinda thing. However, my creditentials will be established and I'll be graduating with Honours.

route 2: enter Finance, then apprenticeship at Saville
Slowest route. By the time I finish everything I'll be 28 (approx). However, the safest too. I'll have a Finance backing (which means I can move from industry to industry easily) and the smarts on how to set up a proper business. In this case, I won't have any work experience in the fashion industry, and will dive straight into creating my own lines. Bonus: will get that 50K.

route 3: enter Finance and enter St Martin's night classes
Moderately fast route - I'll graduate from both schools the same time. The problem is time management. In this case, I'll have no experience at all in fashion (not even saville), but I'll be equipped from both schools. Basically this means that while everyone's slacking off in Uni, I'll have No Life which might be detrimental to my personal development. (Experience Points = Good = Level UP!)

route 4: enter Finance, ditch fashion designer
It's not a bad idea. Work 6 months a year, take a holiday. If not, I can always apply to work in a fashion company. ANY BUSINESS NEEDS FINANCE! therefore, Chanel, Fendi, Lanvin, Oscar de la Renta, Christian Lacroix will also need financiers. In this case I don't design anything, but I manage designers.

route 5: enter journalism, work in Vogue
Honestly I'm not looking forward to writing more essays....I'm tired of them. But I have the papers needed. S Lit, Editorial Society....very good. Plus the pay's decent, you get to travel and it's almost like fashion except you're not making clothes. Also, there's a chance that if I ever wanted to switch to fashion design, it'll be easy because I have all the media contacts already (that's what Vera Wang did anyway)

You know, I pride myself on being able to do risk-assesment in a rational manner. This is the first time that the odds are so equal that I'm having problems distinguishing which is most beneficial to my person.

It's annoying.
I wish to solve this once and for all.
Except that I know that I'm the only person who can do that.
No one can make my decisions for me.

*sighs*
I'm going to take a bath.
Watch some TV
And think about it.

why does the edge look so enticing
when the dive is so far?
the depth, the vertigo
is giddy from happiness
or
fear?

[the most frightening thing is happiness]
[catch it?]

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:24 p.m.+

Excerpt from the past

Dear 2004-self, your message to 2006-self has been heard.

Okay. I junk. I eat. I sleep. I roll around my sty. I speak nonsense. I sprout semi-philosophical-rubbish. I waste my time studying in hopes of a morose and utterly boring desk-job future in some bank. So why are you reading about my plain ass life?

LOL.
You know, I believe that while I was angsty-er in sec4
I had loads more fun :D

Doldrums~

midnight is a voice.

I just thought of something. Later.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:51 p.m.+

hepatica

I'm somehow disappointed that L dies in such a boring way.
Ah well......except for the bit where Raito had his EvilVillian smile.

Okay I didn't go for Mr James' cos I was too bloody sleepy, but I did go for tuition which was somewhat productive. I don't feel like staying online much cos my head hurts and my eyes feel dry and I have a neck crick and a migraine all at once. Ugh.

Honestly I'm online so that I can check out whether Clampseque or Kono Mahou ga Sugoi! updated as well as surf for my daily dose of EGL (and drama). Oh! And to check if there's anything new on deathnote_fic or Tactics. Anyway seems like Mahou Sugoi (the name's just way too long -_-;) updated and zomg! Kagami is actually Kureha! (dumdumdeedum!) And yeah, Touno-senpai looks hellva lot Dark from DN Angel. My vote goes for Ren though~ hmmm...........

Mom's back from overseas, tomorrow is judgement day.
*sighs*
I can only hope, for the best.

Just really tired.
From everything.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:57 p.m.+

Sweet Like Chocolate

Listening to: Shanks&Bigfoot

Honestly I didn't do more than a bunch of MCQs today but I feel so zonked as though I did like amazing amounts of work (unless you call staring at planes and haze lots of work)

random note: ZOMG! HAH I KNEW IT! L is a scorpio (31st Oct) and this just proves that mangakas can't live without astrology either. (why else make Light piscean?) Anyway if you wanna know where it's from, it's from elle_ryn (her LJ is protected) but anyway....Near is virgo, Mello is saggi and Matt is aquarius.

SEE MANGAKA USE ASTROLOGY!!111oneoneone
I swear, there's this big conspiracy
Like the whole French-Japan tunnel
Somehow eludes the entire world

Okay anyway it was cold in the airport as well, so cold that I actually wished I had a second jacket. Didn't eat so much chocolate, snacked on plums and water. The only problem was 1)noisy kids b)immature adolescents. Being a holiday, you get gaggles of sreeching kids running in circles chasing trolleys with their squeaky shoes and doting grandparents. Seriously, if I ever had a child - I'll ensure my own could behave before letting he/she lose on the world. After all, that's why my mother did *shrugs* The second group was a bunch of secondary school boys who apparently was suffering some adolescent angst (presumbly related to their bad hair, oily skin and lack of p0rn) that resulted in immature throwing of various articles such as fries, tissue paper and what-nots. Childish. Really. So I just ignored them.

After all, you can't expect everyone to be mature.

I'll talk later. Fic first~
Is it me or am I just very bored?
Okay let's try some Light-thinking
Haven't done this for a while though

-------------------------------------

L, he thinks, slobbers into his kisses.

There's nothing gentle about it though - all teeth and tongue and lips mashed together in a gotesque parody of romance. The tongue in his mouth is not about love or even hate, just a game of power played by idiots and Gods.

Especially this idiot.

For all that intelligence, L is just like any other person when it comes to sex. A hand on his cock and the hormones rush in and his hips begin to do the thinking. Pathetic. That's what it is. Pathetic that when it boils down to it, even socially awkward geniuses succumb to something as base as flesh. Yet - there's something fascinating about it. The attraction isn't in the pale white flesh or the dark messy hair or those wide false eyes - who would be interested in a boy that looked like a corspe? Knowledge is power. I know, I win. That's what makes him hard.

There's irony in this, he knows.
A cliche he can feel but can't really see.

He can sense L, Ryuuga, Ryuuzaki or whatever he's called now - is about to come. It's the expression. The stupid expression. The way those widened eyes that twitch spasmodically, the way the rough bitten fingernails digging into his skin, the way the body that jerks beneath him - he knows. It's like an epileptic fit - complete with drool, guttural sounds and twitching. Perfect expressions for perfect idiots.

It's disgusting, that face.
To watch it is blasphemous.

It's a personal affront now, an symbol. That this lowly imbecile creature could obstruct his divine justice, could chain him up and make him eat off the floor like a trained dog. That of all things he is contested by, it's not wit but sheer dogged stubborness. Fool. So when L is sprawled behind him, he takes it. He takes it with all his savagery and power, with all his glory and might because he deserves it. This offering of flesh. This pitiful penance. This worship.

Even as he lays there, spent - he is satisfied.
God has taken.
God is justice.
He is justice.

He is appeased.

But the voice in the dark whispers.Raito is my first friend. It's soft, almost childlike. Disembodied in the dark. That imbecile. Again.

He wants to kill that voice in the dark.
He wants to kill that smile in the dark.
He can't see it, but he knows

So he smiles (even if no one can see), holds the other's hand and offers comforting platitudes. It's so easyn after all.

God can be merciful too.

---------------------

Yarhz please kill my spelling mistakes. Mind you, I'm semi-awake at this point. All I really want is a bath, a trashy magazine and my superduper bedsheets.

Will not be in the airport tomorrow. At Mr James', then tuition.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:40 p.m.+

Jetstream

Studying in the airport is surprisingly productive. I think the main factor is that I don't get restless because I can sit near big huge windows and watch airplanes, and it's cold enough so I can pile on sweaters feel utterly comfortable on the floor. It's relatively quiet, but not alarmingly quiet - enough noise and energy so I don't fall asleep (like I do in libraries) and the best perks being free water from watercoolers and TONS OF CHOCOLATE SHOPS.

Seriously. I spent like on chocolates and snacked on it all day.

It's almost like my O'levels study pattern. Read a little, go off and wander around, come back, read a little, chat, wander off, repeat. Except that this time I don't have audy, which makes it less fun, but I don't have a shortage of people wanting to study with me anyway. Most of those people actually want tutoring though, which I don't mind but prefer if they just asked straight out instead of giving some dumb excuse like "studying" with me. Anyway, Clare's volunteered to study with me - or at least, ensure that I actually read the damned stuff.

17 years of slackdom = no restraint/study habits
It's so sad that for most of my academic years
I only begin to form study habits at age 18
Shovelling academic snow I guess lol

Anyway I trawled through Heart of Darkness, which is quite apporiate. In the eveningtimes, the sky glows like a luminous estaury, a ramient haze of unsconded light that deepens into dusk. Even at dusk - it still glows. I can't help but think of Polluck's definition of a void: A luminious whirlpool of static energy and how beautiful it all seems.

That reminds me. I need to talk to Mr James tomorrow.
Besides, I've been hogging his books far too long.

I like the airport not only because of how it feels like, but how it smells like. It smells different, like pinewood and places and otherness. The mingling scents of business men and their Dakkar Noir, of air stewardess and their spicy musky perfume, of tourists - sweaty, dishellved and otherworldly. The feel of controlled chaos and restraint - men with guns patrolling amongst tour groups with huge name tags like bumper stickers.

And space.
It's perfect for those with claustrophobia problems.
So empty, so wide, so.....embracing.

I don't even mind the travelling.
I like train rides :D
I just wish audy was here. Sometimes. Mostly.

Tomorrow I'll be there again, Terminal 2 Viewing gallery. This time I'm smarter - I need a calculator for Econs, a thicker shirt and a cushion (or Pistachio). And to stop insane chocolate snacking like today, I'll pack enough fruits so I won't go hungry and eat junk again. And I'll wear my squishy shoes, because the floor's so cold you can actually feel it through the soles.

I really like it there though.
I don't feel so restless and wander-y

Studied from 12.30pm till about 8pm (with breaks duh). The longest I can concentrate at stretch is about 1.5hrs. Then I break for a walk. It's productive, at least by my standards (which, if you haven't realized, are pretty low). But yeah, I'm not really the hardworking type. I try, but the truth is I rely more on whatever I know innately rather than revising. Like Econs. Seriously, the only thing I've done for it is read through past essays and do MCQs. Everything else is pointless for me. Doesn't help at all.

Anyway it seems to work.
Take it easy. Take it slow. Breathe
Like....if you stop worrying
Then everything just falls into place
If not you just get caught up with the small bits
And lose out on the overall frame.

My ass gets really cold there though....In times like these, I wish I was vain enough to put on a petticoat, bloomers and overskirt everyday. Then maybe my ass won't freeze. Right now my study gear is painfully *painfully* painfully simplistic. As in, dressed-up version of my pajamas. Long stretchy loose pants (check), thick socks (check - to keep my feet toasty), oversized shirt so large I swim in it (check), oversized jacket so big it covers my arse (check).

Technically I could problably be considered doing Death Note cosplay for L, since he looks like a slob as well.

But I don't really care. I'm there to feel comfortable and study (even if it means sprawling on the *cold* floor), not to dress up. At most, I'll make sure my underwear doesn't stick out when I'm wearing my baggiest pants, okay?

But I'm dead tired now *zoinks*
I have no idea how Other ALIENS!!! People do it
Like, those 12 hour marathon types that slog in the library
Sounds like insanity to me.

Oh yah, I have a deathnote fic. Lazy to upload.

It came to me while doing Econs....who knew Econs was good for p0rn? Must do more Econs then...hmmm...Anyway I didn't have any paper so I scribbled it on my shirt. Ahahaha...cool huh? And yes! Cheers for Raito x L! What else d'you think I'll write?

Okay am falling over

PS. Airport chocolates are cheap and the best!<3

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:41 p.m.+

In the distance

It's 12am and I've just gotten out of the shower and my hair still smells of blueberry shampoo and I have class starting in 8 hours and all I can think of is.... why does my neighbour paint his walls red?

Seriously. From the balcony door next to my computer, I can see into his house (hasn't drawn the curtains yet) and his walls are red like those from movies. I can't help thinking that perhaps, people who paint their walls red are killers.

It's the colour, maybe it's a trick of light or just my imagination going crazy but if Seishirou Sakurazukamori had a house - he would paint his walls red (and have black furniture to match).

I'm going crazy I think - from A levels. Cuckoo, crazy, mad, insane, hysterical, paranoid......you name it. Just today when I was packing my bag I debated whether I should install a lock on it, so that no one else could tamper on my notes. It's not just paranoia, it's near insanity. When I dream I think of white exam halls - with everyone writing in sync, pens poised aboved clean lined paper, heads studiously bent with the stratch stratch sound of answers as I stare blankly on the paper.

I think of a scene.

I am sitting on a boat that seems to be suspended in space - the sky melds with the sea in infinite blueness, with rocks peaking out from relected skies. Clouds float below and above in mirrored stillness. The boat rocks. I freeze. It doesn't stop rocking. It's this - irrational fear.

I need to get away from here before I go mad.

Sometimes I wish I could run so far that no one could find me - just run and go underground. Change my name, fake my age (I never look my age anyway), obscure my history and move to another country. Transported. Replanted. Unknown. Weave yourself into the masses of humanity, get swallowed into their rhythms and movements with all the gestures that indicate humanity. For instance, always greet. Then smile. Then nod your head politely. Shake hands. Move on. That'll show them. How human you are. (If not swearing at the top of your voice going FUCKFUCKFUCK! might also indicate you're human, but also make sure everyone in a 5m radius will move away from you)

I guess that's why I'm in love with transport.
Buses, trains, airplanes, ships......
There's nothing quite like the feeling of being inbetween.
What else is a journey but being inbetween after all?

You need distance.
You need perspective.
The only way is to get away.

Regain some depth. Find the context.
Then the solution will appear like flowers blooming in a chuch.

Right.
depth.
context.
perspective.
What else is there to do?
shikata nai
Time to shovel some academic snow.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:20 a.m.+

Just so.

I just realized I haven't listened to Pierrot for a while. Kinda miss it, so now I'm listening to it. Pierrot is the kind of music that I'll totally listen to when thinking about Death Note simply because Kirito (which ironically sounds like Kira) sounds very deathnote-ish. Why? It's the feeling of hard smiles, darkened eyes, cold hands and dead lips.

I keep thinking tomorrow is Monday :x
And I'm going to cut my hair(!) on Saturday next week.

How frightening.
I hate other people cutting my hair that's why I prefer to do it myself but shikata nai. Mom's not happy.

Anyway on Monday I'll be in the airport, studying. I'll be the one with a sloppy oversized black sweater and grey coudroy jeans and maybe a tartan overskirt hunched over Econs MCQ and Econs essays eating grapes. Grapes are wonderful things - you can eat them one by one and it's like snacking because I realize I think better when I'm chewing something. (L is right about that at least) And if you see me, you can buy me chocolate or something because airport chocolates taste better and I really like the ones with shiny wrapper.

Erm, yeah.
So I'll be in the terminal 2 observatory if anyone's looking for me.

It's nice studying in the airport - it's clean, non-pollution, has many watercoolers, well-lit and superduper safe now that there's gazillions of policemen hanging around for terrorist attacks. And I like skies. Skies are nice even when you can't see them, which would explain why I'm feeling so off lately because the sky is blanketed by moldy white stuff known as haze.

peonies are mouths
with many many tongues
red-lipped and sinewy and hungry
greedy and red
bursting forth to consume
with life

Went to Provence today, gorged on bread. Bread is like the comfort food for the soul - you can't get lost with it. No matter where, no matter how......it always seems to taste and feel the same even if it's called a baguette or a bao. It's just reassuring to tear off bits with your hands, all that fluffy goodness and chew on it. As though life was not water but just fluffy bread. Soul food - if you want to call it that. Anyway you can't get wrong with Provence's {$d_entry}.60 raisin bun. It's stuffed with raisins and has a superchewy milky top. Everytime I go that I think I'm eating San-X.

Argh I don't feel like blogging even though I have a deathnote drabble. Later.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:10 p.m.+

undecided

Listening to: Nightmare - Alumina (deathnote OP)

The piano bits are addictive. (audy claims it's emo!depressing but I think it's pretty upbeat) Let's see, besides getting suckered down into Death Note -there's nothing much to say. Nothing that's confirmed in any case. *sighs* Some people are just idiots. Idiots with no common sense. Whatever.

I hate feeling hopeless and bored.
Maybe next week I'll go to the airport and study with Clare.
Better than staying at home staring at the wall.

*sighs*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:37 p.m.+

In the dark

I'm hiding in the school library. Personally, the library is the last place I'll study in. The main attraction of this place is not the books or the hard tables, or students but simply that it's quiet. Quiet. Nothing but the murmur of discussions, the whisper of turning pages and the tapping sounds of keyboards. I like it like this. Quiet. Safe. Somewhat peaceful.

Lit Enrichment wasn't very good - hell, all my classes today weren't very good. Too tired from the lack of sleep I suppose. Sometimes I wonder if there's a cure for chronic insominia. People like me who stay up late and stare into the blank darkness of the unending ceiling and listen to yourself and your voices.

I think it's perfectly normal of course. October. Insominia. November. Nightmares. You'll wake up and never remember, except for that faint echo of unease.

Anyway I had chocolate for breakfast in the morning. Don't laugh okay? Apparently when I'm sleepy I'm very cute - though honestly I'll prefer to be un-sleepy than to be cute.

And then not happy with 2 bars + 1 truffle, I go buy 2 packets of chocolate milk. Ta-da! Breakfast + lunch.

*munches chocolate happily*

It got me high enough to present the essay outlines in any case :D

---------------

I'm tired, the PSI is high and I want to be home but I don't want to be home. What do you do in times like this?

Oh yah I left my lecture notes in school so after I went IJ I went back to get it. And even so, Mrs Low was sick so I didn't get to see her at all.

---------------

Urh whatever I'm just gonna read fics and freeze.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:35 p.m.+

aphoria - where were we again

Maybe I'm making up for not consistently blogging lately. But I feel the urge to type (not just mentally write out tales for my own personal satisfaction).

Modern existence is beginning to be boring.
Maybe I'm getting cynical (?) or something.
Although, the irony that strikes is that I'm becoming cynical of cynicism. How ironic.

I really need to develop a better sense of humour.

It just seems that modernism is suddenly on a revivial y'know? Or maybe everyone's just a bit insane from studying Lit. Suddenly people are philosophizing - abeit 50 years too late about the death of God, the dearth of meaning, the despairing self. (yay, wordplay.) It's not that I mind it, but it's rather irritating to hear the 10000000th person existiential-ing along the corridor.

Or maybe I'm just growing old with optimism.
Hah! Jaded optimism perhaps?

I don't know. I just feel frustrated lately. It's the mix of panic/helplessness/hopelessness bordering on hysteria that's eating me alive. Sometimes I just want to yell: "OH MY GOD MY ENTIRE FUTURE DEPENDS ON WHAT I WRITE ON THIS STUPID PIECE OF PAPER WHICH I WILL HAND UP TO 83 YEAR OLD FOGIES ON SO-SO DAY." Somehow I get this image of a mental breakdown and fallen hair, of scattered sheets of crushed paper and bad handwriting, of cartons and cartons of exam papers (all insured and marked: "CAMBRIDGE") being loaded on to SuperSecret MOE airplanes to UK, then a bunch of 83+++ old fogies with their tweed jackets and rumpled shawls marking our papers with inky red pens while complaining about how Winter Makes Their Bones Cold.

Whenever I think of exams, I always remember inapporiate things. Like housewives and sex. I can't remember exactly (actually I can, but why should I tell you?) where I heard it but it went like this: "the rustle, the hump, the grind, press repeat again and again and again - but oh! could you just hurry up get it over and done with already?"

Kudos to those who recognize where it comes from though. It's from a 60s soap opera/commentary.

Thinking in parenthesis is nice. Parenthesis, after all, indicates the afterthought. (does it make it any less important?) So it's like a fun thing to do (like a doublecheck to yourself, yes caution must be learnt yes) Sometimes I think if I tried hard enough I could write language smex.

So we try:
-----------------------

Rhythmically, the words flow like the twist and turn of flesh and skin, the molding of sensations (oh yes the adverb meets the adjective that melds) Like silk you'll think, like silk the way the letter focus and unfocus (you think of sounds hitting one two three one two three over and over) The breaths of language, the twitching thoughts so gentle and fleeting like soft virginal caress (but the words know better and know more you tell it how to hide and how not to in irony always) The connection. The communion. Words (always you and I and everyone else)

----------------

Okay now you know how I entertain myself ha ha ha....Actually it's really simple. Give me a problem and I'll be happy. I think sometimes that's why I'm so addicted to questions - they're the ultimate boredom elevater. People aren't like that. True they are infinitely interesting but they're not cleanly cut and pokable - where you can hold the variables indefinitely in your mind. If you subsituite it with people (the jigsaws I make) then you'll problably say I'm a cold ruthless heartless torturer bent on discovery.

Oh yah, I just realized I should have bite my nails so much cos my left hand index finger is pinky-almost-bleeding.

Someone once said it's a sign of neurosis.
LOL, more like one sign of it anyhow.
Some people are more subtle.

Like today I was in school I noticed someone had an odd habit of playing footsie with herself while thinking. As in she crossed her ankles then dragged one leg up and down the other as though she was 2 people playing footsie. It's kinda funny. Do people know I'm watching them sometimes?

Maybe I'm like this now because I'm in need of pretty things. Like pretty sparkling things. I haven't seen anything pretty and sparkling for a long time.

*wistfully*
Maybe I'll go make some bubbles.
It'll be nice to watch them.
Bubbles remind me of soapyness
Not glass - soapyness

A kind of spongey softness, so delicate that at the slightest pressure it breaks.....like unset jelly or touching the skin of water. And then it drips, like rainbows - prespiration of prisms, oily and alkaline.

Okay I have class tomorrow.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:22 a.m.+

Disinterested

Sometimes I wish I could wipe the face of the earth, all the muck and all the dirt - and come clean with cookie crumbs and sticky syrup and a wide eyed stare of cluelessness.

I'm really annoyed lately. Just really annoyed. I don't get how I get can ABB for prelims AND my projected grades are also AAB. Do they have no faith in me? (yes) It just tastes so bitter. This. Everyone else got their grades jacked up by 2 or sometimes 3 grades and I'm the only person stuck with a projected AAB. I wish I could kill someone. Now.

Don't you find that that older you grow, the less remorseful you feel?

I just watched Death Note today (because everyone was pangsehing me tomorrow) and the only thing I have to say is damned! I want a notebook like that. The older I grow, the more I seem to dislike and withdraw from people - as though their very presence seem to stink of some corrupted soul. I don't give a fuck about living or dying and I have my own sense of karmic justice and retribution. If there was ever such a thing to be had - I'll problably be the perfect candidate because not only am I willing to kill people, I'm not particularly scared of dying either.

You know....I used to (sometimes still) wonder what will happen if the people close to me died. Audy, Sak, Sis, Mom etc......I used to imagine the scenerio so vividly. Car accidents, stroke, suicide, random stabbing..... and then I would cry to myself and somehow, the more I thought of it the less I feel. It's as though the that while their present lives have a great deal of impact on me, their deaths are almost a flat zone of nothingness. Do other people do that I wonder? Think of how they would be like if their loved ones died on the way home inside the bus, watch the passing scenery while mentally hanging funeral wreathes and gauging your personal instinctive reaction.

That interests me you see
The instinctive part

I keep wondering how much control I actually have. I know I don't panic - I simply get cold and do what I have to do. The easiest way to tell what a person will do in face of death is to make them play an RPG with a 50% fatality. The final Boss moments when you're on the verge of dying, with no more pheonix downs and stipped to zero potions and your emotions are running high.....

Then the GAME OVER.

I suppose that makes me very calculative. To prepare for someone's death now to some is very extreme. To plan for your own death seems implausible to most. To contemplate on widespread destruction for the good of humanity is just unthinkable. But strangely enough, I can understand it. Not only that, given 1/2 the chance, I would problably do the same.

But then when you think about Light or L, you realize more or less their just products of their society. Take Light - in a modern society (closest definition of it) who views chronic remorse as a sickness - is it any wonder that he is so narcisstically inclined and without conscience?

We teach Relative Morality in schools after all.
Context is All

I'm just annoyed lately *sighs*
Why why why do they do nothing to my projected grades?
It's like....is the highest I can get an ABB?

----------------

Literature Enrichment was both irritating and fruitful. Dear Mr Fahy I do not see the point of you asking us to do a presentation if you're going to pick up my points from the introduction THEN TAKE OVER MY PRESENTATION with me standing behind holding my paper looking annoyed and you doing my job AND BASICALLY REHASHING WHAT YOU SAID ON LECTURE YOU IRRITATING SELF-ABSORBED EGO-INFLATION PRESUDO-INTELLECTUAL JERK OF THE CENTURY. *breathes* Really. Apparently he doesn't understand that his opinion is not always right, nor is his opinion always so desired. Some people just like the sound of their voices too much.

The second half, lead by Mrs Tan + Ms Chua + Mdm Damo was really really fun though! First was they gave us this huge pile of mahjong paper and we were supposed to come up with exam questions for the other groups to do. My group was pretty cool - mainly because Alex was there, so was Angie. Therefore, without a doubt we came up with the most difficult questions ever....Presenting:

LDJ
To what extent does the Greek concepts of Triniate contribute to the style and theme of LDJ?

Blake
Discuss the dictomy between the spiritual vision and man's self in reference with Blake's beliefs.

HMT
How far does Gileadean Society and Atwood's enviromentalist concerns reconcile themselves in HMT?

GENIUS RIGHT?!?!?!? :D :D :D Aahahahaha I came up with the LDJ one, Alex came up with the Blake one (her original one was like "Neo-Platoian ideas and the 4 Zoas" but the teachers said it was too obvious) and Angie, Jeannette and I came up with the HMT one. Isn't it unsurprising that no one did our questions? LOL, the teachers had their payback though. 'Cos later they said we had to come up with answers to our questions as well.

But I expected it anyway :D I don't believe Mrs Tan would let us off so easily.

Thankfully - Alex and I actually KNEW the answers to the questions we set. And we also did a super-duper outline for one of the LDJ "modern religion" type questions. It was so fun! It was like I was filling in her blanks and she was filling mine and it was a happy time to be had by all. Even the teachers said we made a good team :D

Wouldn't it be nice if I could exchange half my brains for hers and vice versa during the exam? We would PWN. She's thorough in the way I'm not, but I come up with more insights. So together we basically have a darn good essay.

-------------------

Very very occasionally, couples bother me. Actually most of the time I don't care (or more vulgarly I don't give a fuck about who you're sleeping with) except that I don't want to see it. Please keep your hands, mushy gestures, lovelorn sighs, otherworldly commuiciation (why must couples giggle together? WHY?!?! Is it some PYSCHOMETA phemoneaon that I'm unaware of?!?!?) and so on. When strangers do it, I stare at them until they stop or move to another place (usually out of my pheriperal vision) but when my friends do it it's like....it's like....

IT'S LIKE CATCHING YOUR SISTER KISSING HER BOYFRIEND EW.

So please. I have nothing against people who are together. Really. Glomp, kiss, squish, pet, tickle, smile, giggle, gaze longingly, screw.....whatever but just GET AWAY FROM ME.

I get immature heeby-jeebies looking at it okay? >.<
Like ew.

This reminds me: Do Not Go Out with Kunal + Alex ever.

Plus it feels weirdly voyeuristic like that.
Uncomfortable third party and all.

I did get some funky news from Kunal that some guy from the Chess Club has a crush on me though. Wow. This is new. *poke matters* Unfortunately, at this point I'm just seriously disinterested - to the point that I don't even care/know the person's name.

Argh.
Be back later with more modernist bullshitting.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:09 p.m.+

Deathnote

Just in case some people never check their phones...

DEATHNOTE 3.10pm, Friday 20th Oct, Plaza Sing GV

If you wanna come, just drop me an sms or msn message. I'll get back to you yeah? :D

Kz, back to work we shall go!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:22 p.m.+

+tsu waited for you at +

Administrative Nightmare

You know the story of Franz Kalfka's The Castle? It's basically 32 chapters of nothing. Like nothing. Just snow, lots of people talking, more snow, more people talking. And oh, to be a plot spoiler (if you haven't already slept by chapter 2), he never makes it to the Castle.

And alarm bells are ringing in my head as I type this.

YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL IT IS TO DO UNI APPLICATIONS?!?!

It's so inefficient it's crazy. (and dumb. can't forget the dumb) Like my fellow sufferer leXis, she got the weirdest questions ever eg. In your opinion, which fictional character whould you chose as a roomate?. I'll like to think it's only the Dumb Americans like that (she's signing up with Collegeboard US) but apparently it's everywhere Take UCAS (the UK version uni app.) which asks dumb questions like "Write about Your Life, Your Purpose, Your Ultimate Meaning in the Universe and All" Bullshit. In 500 words.

Uni Apps are silly.

The truth is that my main criteria is simply one thing: Be In London. Unfortunately, it's not so easy. The thing is that most schools don't put cut-off points (with the exception of LSE, who openly states they want min. AAB) It's not just the grading that needs work - it's the rankings too. Like....everyone says Imperial has a great Business + Management course but IT'S NOT THERE. Seriously. The closest I could find was Mathematics with Advanced Statistics in Finance. You want me to die issit?! Me = non-mathematical. It's not just Imperial that has non-existent course issues - King's College too. FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT FIND THE FRIKKIN' COURSE.

On the other hand, I'm thinking of applying for Law too. Specifically, coperate law. Why? I have the humanities grades to get into most law schools actually (plus S paper placement) and I'm really horrible at math. Like....REALLY HORRIBLE. But the idea of doing another 3 years' of essay writing just totally kills me.

Anyway I've mostly narrowed it down to Queen Mary, Kingston, LSE and City University. I can't find the course for Imperial, so that's out. Some universities ie. Queen Mary and City I'm thinking of double applying because they're ranked in the top 10 for Law too. (I have 6 choices, and currently filled 4. w00t)

I hope the haze clears up though~ isn't it lucky that it didn't haze on audy's birthday?

argh.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:11 p.m.+

d-addict

Okay I'm offically in love with Korean dramas. PRINCESS HOURS IS MUCHLY LOVE! (aka Goong) Though, the Not-Crown-Prince (Lin) is really much hotter than Crown-Prince (Shen). And he's so cute too! Crown-Prince is so grounchy and grumpy that he kinda reminds me of a cuter version of my bad-tempered brother (which is NOT cute at all). Ahhhh! But Not-Crown-Prince is so wangsty and cute! He's so pouty too! Poutylove! He pouts so cutely and pinkishly I bet he uses lipgloss. He lips are so PINK okay? (and like all the guys seem to be semi gay....c'mon! CrownPrince wears PINK PANTS. Like....PINK!PANTS!)

Damned I wanna buy more dramas :/
New blackhole of spending~ moumoumou~~~~ :x

But it's like amazing~ they have like One Tear Rolling down the (perfectly madeup) cheek and like (perfectly madeup) puffy eyes so that it looks cute and not like eee! horror! But ohmytian~~~~~~ It's so weepy! I <3<3<3.

At least it's better than some crappy HK endings.

Went out with audy on Saturday and gave her, her birthday present. Yay~ I'm glad she likes it! Every year it seems even more fun to buy presents for people. Come to think of it, the christmas decorations are up in Orchard already. Doesn't the year end so fast? It's so strange to think that next year I'll be in UK now, navigating London, feeling cold from autumn, getting to know my hostel mates, maybe feeling a bit homesick .........and wishing for a hot bowl of fish noodles and milk tea. It's kinda saddening to think that this will be the last time I'll spend audy's birthday with her. Maybe next year we'll shift her birthday to June! :D Then it'll be an early early birthday!

But let's not think about that now okay?
Tomorrow is still gestating.

Had lunch at Coranation and bumped into sis & co. It's so nice to have chicken chop again after so so long~ brings back so many nice memories. Met up with sak~ went around kino. So funny! Audy wanted to read chicklit stuff so I went along~ Ahahaha so cool! Flipped through Vogue and Harper's Bazaar too. It's so nice to see foto_decadent stuff come alive.

Rushed back, then mom told me dad wasn't coming and he hadn't even bothered to inform us WTF?! Had dinner at home and watched my Korean drama. Damned......the clothes are so nice. ;_; So weepy though. It's like a direct relationship. The further the series progresses, the more waterbuckets begin to flow

Went shopping with mom today~ yay! I got the cutsew. Now to add some pretty lace. It's really important to have a short sleeved one for JSKs though~ Mom got lots of stuff. A dress from Zara and a pair of shoes. I covet the boots <3~ I want them! They're so adorable. Okay if I get them I will......twiddle my thumbs in happiness! And I will give you a biiiiiiig smile! ^_________________________^ Okay most likely I'll skimp on food and stuff and buy those boots. Lemme see.......If I don't eat and don't spend - I'll get them!<3

tsu be good and study!

Tomorrow I'll be in school to study from 8.30am - 2pm so if you're looking for me, I'll most problably be sulking around the canteen ^^;;; Most likely studying/tutoring Brave New World. I know, I know.....it's like unprofitable now to help people and I know they just want to steal my notes and ideas. (suddenly I'm flooded with popularity again....sou na~ *sighs*) But still......I can't just leave people in the lurch. *sighs* How irritating.

Back to my show!<3

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:16 p.m.+

Revelations

Today's a strange day. It's the last day of school and after 1.5 years of hell - I'm finally graduating. I'm not sad at all though, instead - I finally feel a deep sense of relief that this part of my life is finally over. Yet there are still things I regret.............I regret the small things: coming late for lecture, missing a joke, forgetting to bring a spare change of clothes. Those kinds. Emotionally though, I'm not weepy or crying or anything - I have nothing to feel towards CJC.

How can I feel anything for it? It was such a traumatic experience that I never really got over. Perhaps maybe if things were different I might have liked the place more. But it's over now - I have my cert and pictures and I'm no longer a student of the school.

I think about the first year - the tears, the awfulness, the pain, the anger......and how it seems such a long way now. I can honestly say I've become a stronger person from all this. My thoughts are now my own. I don't depend on anyone else but myself - and even though occasionally fits of emotions overcome me, I can still get over it, do my duty and move on. That's what matters isn't it? To peservere, to suffer. From anger to resignation and finally, acceptance. I think CJC and I have finally come to a truce. It's teneous, it's fragile - but hey! at least it still exists.

I'm free.
After waiting and hating so long

I can't remember exactly how it happened, but Graham and I were at Swensen's with T06, and we were going back when we started talking about relationships and other people when I don't know - he was like "say whatever you want" feeling and then I told him I liked him.

And he said he liked me too.

And I felt such an indescriable mix of emotions: happiness, sorrow, fear.......and then I told him very very gently that even though we both were attracted to each other, he wasn't ready for another relationship and had not gotten over Keisha (his ex) yet. Maybe you know, in another time, place and circumstance - something would have come out of it. But not now, not when we BOTH have A levels, not when he's emotionally not-ready, not when I'm leaving for UK. Then I thought about it - how little we really knew each other. I spend less than 15% of myself in school, and that perhaps, it was all a matter of proximity. I wondered how stable it would be, built on such shaky foundations (not to mention I feared he was on rebound). The time, the place.....everything is all wrong. It won't work out, and both of us knew it. So what else? He gave me a hug, I shook his hand and we promised to be good friends without any awkwardness.

Even though to some extent I regret the loss
I still feel I have done the right thing.

Well....what can I say now? shikata nai :D I'm glad for the peace of mind though, no need to worry about relationships. Just study hard and do well for A levels!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:14 p.m.+

Applesauced

Today was just a really bad day.
It was a day that should never have woken up
At least not with me in it.

Perhaps yesterday's melanchonly had caught, and I was quietly moody the entire day. Not unhappy, just sulky and moody. Like, leave me in peace to brood temper which resulted in 20+ people asking me "Are You Okay?" over and over again - some even asking it twice. Yes I'm fine~! *exasperated* I'm just tired. Can't I not be bouncy and energetic for one day? Can't you just give me a break? I don't expect you to be all Happy Shiny People 24/7, so why do you expect it of me?

It's not like I'm sad, I just need space to think.

But then again.....those were just distractions.

Most of the day I was just dealing being disassociative. Sometimes it happens - a time wrap, a mental shift, a space worm - and then I don't know where I was anymore. It was as though one moment I was back in IJ, and when the teacher suggested where to go I was like "the shed" which of course, doesn't exist in CJC. For that moment which I answered I felt as though the fabric of conciousness had shifted and I was back - sec4 with my grubby pinafore and messy hair. And I just barely stopped myself; only to turn around to ask for audy and realize she was not there.

It was so strange, this sense of dislocation.
One moment I was listening to class
Next I was sitting on the parapet, watching the wind.

Then Sng came, and so was her usual tirade. Usually I don't mind, but today I just couldn't take it.....Wrong Day if you will. She yelled at Graham for being "scattered", then suddenly turned to me and said I was "overemotional". And I was like O_0. Thought being: HUH?! WTF?. When did I ever said anything to her personally? o.O It's ridiculous. I mean you can accuse me of being lazy, procastinating or what nots.......but where did THAT come from?

Went for tuition, dozed off during the first essay question then woke up again. Tuition was the same. Met AC Paul. AC Paul apparently knows the entire Universe. Amazing some people are. Ack, I don't actually care about these details y'know? The stuff I care about are always transient, because then there's meaning in recording it. So okay, back to the important bits.

I was watching the sky from inside the bus.....it was so luminious. Not dark, not light but this magical twilight lavender grey that literally glowed and resonated. The quality about light is that it is usually directional, but this....this was beautiful. Translucently coloured, like glittery beads of a rosary with just faint light shining through it. You'll think it was unreal, all these subtle colours of muted grey and lavender. Not just lavender though, but all of them - wisteria, hygdrengea, iris and columbine. And watching these dark trees - leafy and full-bodied against such a luminious sky. I couldn't help but think of shadow puppets. Like those stage plays with lights flooding softly and black paper cutouts or comic books with their flat colouring and two dimensional quality.....it was so wonderful to watch twilight.

Like wolf light, but not.
The inverse of wolf light?

I thought of a new place
To escape to during school
A long endless boat ride on murky waters
A dark canal, lit only by eternal twilight
Around you rises grey lifeless concrete buildings
Dark and windowless and echoey
and the sound of rippling water

the boatman's face is hidden
his pole digs quietly with a swkirrsh
the water moves - or was it the boat?
around you, the ripples remind you of laughter
bells

Sometimes I wonder which do I live more in? My own private universes (which I create and discard daily) or the people I interact with. Life seems so rich inside sometimes, it's such a temptation to withdraw into it whenever I don't feel like facing up to reality (like, now). To just dive down into these many waters - the crying moons, the moaning hills, the fecund valleys, the windy plains - places no one knows exists except I do.

But.....I wouldn't want my dreams to be real
That would be actualizing nightmares too.

After all, the nightmares are the darksides of the moon

lol, latin jokes.....tsu! how geeky is that?
luna lumen mare. God. So corny

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:36 a.m.+

Repose

I hate mornings.
Okay I just detest waking up so early.

School was vaguely fun - Graham and Pinkie have this mad obsession with video-caming an entire school day. I honestly don't see the point of remembering in such great detail. God may be in details (quoth Jasmine Tan) but perfection is in blurriness. Who wants to remember everything anyway? To remember how the teacher yelled at you for a dumb mistake, to listen to someone bitch, to remember the odd sensations of loneliness admist a crowd.......would you want to remember? Just keep it simple. Forget the details, stick to the prettyfulness. That's how to keep things going.

[digression]
I haven't said anything yet
But thinking about it.......
I realize I'm just deluding myself again
and that.....he hasn't gotten over it yet
and all he wanted was a friend
so even though i know nothing will ever happen
i will be the best friend that i possibly can be
[/digression]

*thoughtfully*

Life is so queer sometimes
The many digressions, the many turns
The oddest pathways that might be right
And the chance that the wolf in the woods
is nothing less
than another fairy

There was something in the sky today. The sense of haziness, of an impressionable delicacy. Of distance and exposure. To lie in the evening and watch the shifting greys and blues - you'll think how comforting it could be, yet unfamilar at all. As though I could reach up and touch this perfect stranger, and hold the sky close to my heart and breathe its fragrances - wispy poppy fields and whispery smoke, and know that no matter how strange it was, how cold - it still held my soul.

To feel the pespiration as I laid curled on my back, and the opened windows that intermittedly cooled the front. The pleasant mix of warmth and chill, the smells of cooking dinner, the incandescent lights that shone in the hallway - distant from my darkened eveningtime room. To drift - thoughtless and free, bounding from subject to subject - tangential and spacially indifferent.

I hate this feeling
Not loneliness, not isolation
dissolution
That's it. Dissolution.

Anyway! Went to the library and met XiaoAn who was surfing astrology websites, then had consultation with Jasmine Tan. It's kinda strange how every single teacher automatically assumes I'm after an A. Except for Fahy, who kindly said that I "tend to recline in the backseat". It's true though - I'm not complacent, but I'm not competitive either. This quality tends to annoy my teachers to the point of strangulation, because they can see the potential I don't see. Particularly for Fahy, he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get why I rarely participate anymore, and why I prefer to remain quiet. You know why? Because people like Sadia assidiously scribbles and copies every single idea I have - and it bothers me. Like today when she found out I had an overall 63% for Paper 3 she kept turning back to look and me. >_< I feel like I've gotten a stalker or something.

*sighs*
It's such a day for sighing.

Okay now I know why I feel so weird
the air smells like tomorrow

As in now it's only 12, but the air smells like 5am air. It's that damp smell - wateryish, crisp with overlaid hints of colonge/perfume. The spiky kind of cologne and warm golden perfume (like Creed) and bathsoap. I think I'm dreaming sometimes - why would tomorrow come today? It feels so disjointed to have time messed like this.

I don't know.
It's times like this I wish I had a guidebook
And gamespot FAQ
Like.....
"Once you hit stage 18, you need to level up tsu inside the school then fight against the final boss: A levels. A levels is a tricky boss - be sure to equip a lot of Hi-Potions and special weapeons like TYS and LectureNotes."

argh. g'night.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:46 p.m.+

Played like strings

played like strings
this thought
a rising chant, a walking moon
a windless night, a endless plain....
[so far as the eye can see]
how often
does the horizon lie?
how often
does the depth disappear?
how often
does false dawn awaken?

ask the paper that flutters down the street
which side to fall

I'm not really coherent now. Doped on by music and painkillers and antiboitics - I'm surprised I'm not falling over. Or maybe that's cause I took an afternoon nap. It was so strange to wake up in a darkened room, to realize that night had ascended into the swollen red sky, to lie that - halfawake and lost within yourself and the room itself....the contradiction of strangeness and familiarity. home? what is that? and yet the feeling of soft blankets and pillows and warmth while the fan stutters in a slow oscillating moan.

Got back my results, as expected I failed S Lit but the surprise was that I passed Art with an A! (thus bringing my overall Prelim score to a BBA) But I was really too tired to actually jump or bounce around - either I'm sicker than I thought or the prescription is wrong. I think it's the latter. Why would anyone prescribe antiboitics for a virus? (flu) And why give me Korzen? It's an anti-inflammatory but it's mainly for stomach flu to prevent you from shitting every 5 mins.

Anyway not so bad lar. I'm recovering okay. Tomorrow isn't a long day anyway - 2 classes, 1 extra consultation, pick up some wrapping paper for audy's present and go home to nap till 5.30 then wake up to go for tuition. Or I can go for tuition on Wednesday.

I'm addicted to OSTs~ I think partily because I feel sick if I listen to too much 'music'. OSTs are perfect for me cos most of it is in unintelligentable Yoko/Yuki-speak with very very little lyrics. Top faves: Voices Sliently Sing (TRC), Starcrossed Girl (ChronoCross) and Hepatica KOS-MOS. I can listen to them on loop for hours (try doing that to Eva's Pachelbel in D and see if you don't try to kill yourself first)

I dunno. I'm kinda tired. Somehow.

I think it would be nice to have it rain.
And watch it from cold windows.
And press your cheek against it until the glass melds
And everything blurs
And hear the sound of pattering rain.

Or maybe huddle in a red velvet sofa
With your feet pressed against cushions
And hot sugar tea on your desk
And a big colourful book on your lap
And hear the sound of pattering rain.

Perhaps perhaps we could run outside
Dance till dripping and wet
And gloriously cold
Laughing and spent
We look up
And watch the sky fall of pattering rain.

But what I want most is not just rain.
I want the sound of footfalls and shadowed figures
That stand on dewy edges and misty horizons
With words softer than sighs
And watch them dissapate, dissolve into
the washing rain.

I think it'll be so nice to rain.
Someone should make it complusory for October to rain.
What is October if it doesn't rain?
An October that doesn't rain is like a moth that flies in the day.
So Uncool.

You need damp ground and spindly weeds, and frail figures and wandering mists and lost valleys and secret thoughts and withering leaves of vivid colours and stark bare trees and blue aching skies of merciless light and tempremental storms and the rich rich smell of rain and earth.

It's like if October has no rain, then what of my November?

To be priggishly Albedo: My resistance is INFINITEEEEEE!

*falls*

Dear goodness my thoughts are scattered now
Oh dear oh my....
I feel a naughty wind just lifted my skirts in a poof to check out my petticoats
Like woe is me!

I think I'll go sleep
before it gets odder
odd, odd, odder
ahahahaha

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:00 p.m.+

Crystalline

Listening to: Hepatica III

Nicked it off my sister's folder....so THAT'S where she kept the Xenosaga OSTs :P sell fish! sell prawns! LOL. It's okay actually....I do like the music. On loop. With no one around.

It's so chilly tonight.
Not cold, just chilly.

It smells like less smoke now, just wind. Wind and the smell of dead leaves - burnt? Not smoke, just ashes. Ashes have a different smell. It's richer, more pungent, more subtle, more fragrant......like the scent of memory. Memory that floats like will'o'wisps, memory that dances - slyph-like, laughing and elusive and misty.

When I smell this, mingled with smoke, I think of my father.

I remember the night before with left for Similan Islands, I was around 10 then, my first trip with him. Mr Hyde was there, and so was Lunlun. And the night before.....it smelt like this. With the saltysea smell mingled in the air, the beaches felt cold on my feet as I walked the length of the beach alone, staring at the water. It was the first time I felt truly alone - physically and emotionally removed. I remember how odd the sand felt - cold and dry and fine between my feet, the way the water looked like a pool of ink to me, with ripples of golden light diffused like a shining net over it and the cloudless sky, and the cresent moon. Somewhere in a distance, I can hear the odd laughter and the warmth of the pubdrinkers, with gaudy lights and a battered screen and the swishswash sound of gently rocking boats.

Then inside the hotel, the room was peach and golden and warm with the breeze fluttering on the pale, flowery curtains. He was watching TV and peeling persimmons. And I sat down with my ice-cold Schnapps cream soda and ate some. Persimmons and cream soda. I still remember the taste. Fizzy and sweetly vanilla and cold with the juice of over-ripe warm persimmons. Have you ever eaten persimmons? When they're ripe, they squeeze out of their smooth skins like fibrous sacs - sweet and running and brightly orange. And upstairs, Mr Hyde was smoking his giant cuban cigars, the smoke drifting down in pungent clouds of hazy grey......like halos, dusty and phorespcent in the light.

And I think about it. The significance. On nights like this
persimmons and cream soda
And I wonder if there was any meaning in it
If I would be the only one remembering.

It was just the feeling
Like this; chilly but not cold.

Someone once said that how wonderful it would be, if photographs could capture the scent instead of image. Like the smell of piss and perfume in Shibuya with dank water puddles, the smell of the sea - sometimes rotten, sometimes sweet, sometimes like a rolling tide of humidity but always always salty-alkaine rich. I always thought if earth smelt like the richness and pungency and warmth of life, then the sea is the recoiling mass of drifting soul debris - of plastic bottles and metal caps and styrofoam bottles and kale.

How clear and perfect memories are!
So delightful to look back in
Erasing all sins and vileness The crystallization of all things beautiful
shining
in their delightful purity and essence.

at a single beating point
how great those dark wings descended
terrifying in their beauty
boldly! the crow raises its red eyes
calling judgement
raining down from its beating wings

When I think of Tengu, that is how I think. Or maybe the other way round. For you; does the images come first? Or the words? Or are you like me, incomprehensible in both languages only to fumble and stutter expressions that blindly grasp at your inarticulate emotions?

I think sometimes, my only medium is in silence.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:10 p.m.+

October country

As promised, new layout for October~
It's strange, but the moment I saw this picture,
I immediately thought of October.

Random thought:
If Gabriel is doing triple science and really considering Medicine - then he really will be like Muraki Oh shudder *gleeful* It'll be like some twisted anime!

I really don't want to think of him in a labcoat
I'm giving myself NIGHTMARES.

Erm. Anyway, back to normal matters. The haze has dropped tremendeously overnight - It's only about 34 compared to yesterday's whopping 150. I'm rather glad~ next week is audy's birthday and if there's haze my mom will never let me out of the house. I've already got her a birthday present - but hah! That's only for me to know :D

Need to get some matching wrapping paper though...
Hmmmm....

Will problably upload my essays to LJ tonight, I'm worried I'll lose them, so uploading is really godsent for me. Talking about god, has anyone watched Deathnote episode 1 yet? It's really good....and I like Light! LOL. The scary thing is that I feel that if given the same situation, I might be tempted to kill off people too. I mean....I can understand his logic. "There's so much evil in this world, therefore, why shouldn't I use my ability to "clean up" all this evil and make the world a safer place?" It's kinda understandable. True, we have no right to judge each other....but it is tempting.

I think if I were given a death note
I'll problably use it regardless of consequences.
Because I believe that I can try to make it a better place

It's rather delusional and narissitic....but! You'll be lying if you said you weren't tempted.

Anyway, I need to finish some work.
Like er....clean up my 6MB picture files ^^;

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:31 p.m.+