jerk it out

my week is mostly alcoholic, drowned in akame p0rn and dirty rooms - i fear my fridge is moldy D:

where was i?

day2 of the play, and i have a feeling by the end of the week i'll be heartily sick of it. SO OKAY it's satirical and funny and yes yes, comedic element and yes, i do love the crew (and they love me too) and i *will* miss them - but still.

i miss people who call me "tsu"

write about life. write about home. write about living in dreams that blend into reality, about work that chases the reality away, and then more dreams that set in - furtive and hunted and sleepless nights and staring into the ceiling and how the moon is less and less like a friend than the big orb that laughs mockingly and coldly in the sky and you wonder how it happened all over again.

max says it's the side effect of living alone, because no one should ever do that. maybe he's right. maybe he's hitting on me. maybe i'm just tired and sick of being in Australia and i just want to go home now and eat proper food instead of souvlaki and shish kebab rolls and cheap unsatisfactory takeaway and plasticine cup noodles.

i feel so utterly depressed and alone

i really want desperately to feel something besides the deep yawning numbness of nothing - a gulf that exists in my heart and where i am and what i've left behind and at the same time i'm glad i left and i still don't know anything because it's all one confusing mess.

i miss home.
i don't.
i miss you.
i don't.
push pull hard fast slow down baby you're gonna hurt yourself if you keep running and running and running like that

fall over

i'm tired.

it's like a misconnection - zipped lines, distressed signals, unwashed jeans. life staring at the carpet and oh shit! i'm almost 20 and then there's squeaking tires and flooring and god, was that a custard pie or my face? glowsticks in the backyard, UFOs that eat hotdogs and barbeques, roland barthes with champange and satire and hot pink tuxedos quothing plath and then the universe will just explode upon itself with the largest WHAT THE FUCK there ever was when the it starts forking the spoon.

i thought of china yesterday and realize that it felt like nothing more than a longdistance dream with vague pangs of hurt and guilt and loneliness and niceities and faces that seem blurred and unreal now by this one. what do you call the dream that you have within another? does it float, like a continium you never quite understand and just sink quieter and quieter until it's practically voiceless after all?

when does it start to mute?

it just lives flatly now, the voices that exist run in my mind. the company that lives on the back with the eyes closed hush beloved, don't cry, sweet sweet lullaby and then the horror that sets in and then all you do is break apart or just hold on. drown. think softly. don't break what you have now.

hold fast, think slower - why do the nights seem so long?

---------------------

and then you realize
calling audy makes the world seem a better (and KINKYER) place:D

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:14 a.m.+

KING TURD THE GREAT

point:

OMG THE SHOW WAS AWESOME.

the newspapers were there and they were raving about it, I CAN TOTALLY SEE MY ROAD TO STARDOM K. anyway it was AWESOME and cool and all that and it was totally fun! and yeah, can you tell i'm on high?????? shizzles 'n' dingles man! it was COOL!

the acting was great, the set was fantastic (MAX U R GOD) and hahahaha halfway i met up with max (fellow sufferer, set designer) whose car was actually a real prop in the show and he was like OMG *wince* everytime princess gorgeous aka. clarine slammed the door and went chinkchinkchink and morgan was REALLY GOOD. i swear, she's a fantastic actress and fantastic person and OMG she makes me laugh all the time (she calls me bunnygirl!) and then after the show emma got cranky 'cause she was hungry and i was talking to kim and max about DERRIDA! POSTMODERNISM! AND CRAPSHIT! hahahaha RECONSTRUCTIONISM FTW!

then we kinda crashed into max's car, and headed off for souvlaki (AWESOMENESS! it's like lamb bits in a pita roll. high class subway man!) and drinks and talked and NO I DID NOT GET DRUNK BUT PAUL DID AND HE WALKED INTO THE GIRLS' TOLIET. mostly just talked to max since he's looking for a set assistant as well (SEE! backstage crew are the hardest to find!) and he knew i did sets before, so he was like PLZ HELP....i'll problably be doing another play next year or around october. oooooh he bought me drinks and food, so tomorrow it's problably my turn to buy drinks and food hurrr and it was fun and cool and yeahhhhhhh~~~

have lots of stuff to talk about but later k?

loooooove<3<3<3!!!!!!
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:57 a.m.+

you don't say

For some reason it's really windy tonight. Not cold, just windy.

Production went smoothly, which was a relief. There was a couple of tense moments but it cleared up (although Emma was still kinda iffy/guilty about it even later). Wore my bunny hoodie, which was awesome and cuteness. Please go LJ to see pics of everything! It's friends-locked though, so if you happen to be someone I know and I haven't added you yet, poke me!

I still feel really uncomfortable around Paul - it's weird, considering he's my director but I have absolutely nothing to say to him and I can tell he's just as uncomfortable around me as well. It's normal I guess *shrugs* but the cast is really great, and I got a free gin&tonic, which was soooooo spiked damnit I nearly choked.

Tomorrow's the opening night, so I'm really excited/freaked/fluttery-feeling about. LIKE OMG! WE'RE ON THE PAPERS! *squee* the only thing I'm slightly sad about is that none of my family/friends can see it *sighs* ah well, shikata nai. Need to remember to eat dinner before I go Collingwood though - I forgot and ended straving the way through until Antunuh gave me half his leftover sandwhich and 3/4 a family-sized cadbury bar. YAY food. Backstage is pretty much scut-work, so during the breaks I was doing Psychology. In the middle of a carpark. In the middle of a play. LOL. talk about funny scenerios.

Tomorrow I'm just going to pack a book as well.

I really need to clean the house this weekend. It's FILTHY. but understandable, since I'm busy as hell.

Anyway I have class at 11, nights!

Oh yeah, that reminds me - I've stopped the sleeping pills because they're too powerful. Two knocks me out for at least 3/4 of a day, one is about 12 hours. So I end up being late for class :0 Anyway I've stopped them, but it doesn't make sleep easier *sighs* what I would give to be back in my own bed at home with mom........

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:55 a.m.+

spazzing

hi all!

it's weird but I'm using LJ a lot more often lately, i think it's because it's more conviennet, but i still like pitas more.

school sucks, life sucks...yada yada.... actually i'm overworked and underhugged. and like, this friday is my FIRST show but none of my family or friends can watch it, which kinda depresses me slightly. i can't go to my mom and say "LOOK MOM! I MADE HER CLOTHES MMM K!?!" and point excitedly and mom will just roll her eyes and ask me if i'm actually 9 or 19.

i guess like that lor

living mostly on cupnoodles now....it's essay week, and i don't have the heart (or washing ability!) to feel like cooking. i need someone to cook for to feel like cooking. cooking for myself feels boring and lonely. so does eating alone. without bearbear i'll problably go mad, since he's the only one i go home to now.

i guess it's just depressing to think too much.

you've got to believe it will be all right in the end

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:31 a.m.+

updating....

And like I totally had a new layout planned and everything ARGH. I'm just so busy now I don't even have time to blog!! This is insanity! It's like what, the last time I blogged was ages ago.

So. Starting from wherever. I was pissed at Jiawei during the time when I was sick because like, friends don't ditch you when you're sick plus, she didn't take me seriously. I really really hate that - it may seem funny to you, but for me it's borderline life-threatening because it affects everything - my schoolwork, my class participation, my mental health etc etc to live in anxiety is the worst thing ever, and to do it without friends just adds more problems to what it already was. To say I was resentful, pissed off and downright annoyed would be the understatement of the century. I really do detest people like that. Please. Friends aren't there just to be used/for good times - all those times I would've willingly ditched you to stay at home and read, all those times you didn't have a housemate and I cooked for you ................I don't mean to be calculative, but I expect as basic friends to be there to lend support.

Anyway as you know, I'm on sleeping pills now, so I'm quite alright. Still living. At least, till essay week.

Natz has the right idea! My house is filled with cup noodles and instant food because I CANNOT leave the house during essay week. I've just finished ONE project, and I have five more so pls don't talk about nuitrition to me. Later. Essays first. Project first. Then later we talk about the merits of monosodium gulatamate.

I have MUDFEST next week, as well as application to Melbourne Fringe Festival and like, lots of shit to clear up. As much as I can, I want to finish ALL my work within the next few days so at least I can take a breather and go on with the show without worrying "OMG I HAVE AN ESSAY DUE TMR". Yeah. I'll like to avoid that scenerio as much as possible because my brain won't be able to take it.

Went out with Jolene (from Brisbane) and Celest today, had chinese takeaway (still healthier than cup noodles) and chocolate baklava. Wandered 'round the city a bit, then caught up with her. She's doing marine biology as honours, then wants to branch out to.....Wedding planning?!?!? LOL. Fun anyway, but ARGH I WAS THINKING OF WORK ALL THE TIME.

Trying to sleep earlier, and cleaned up my apartment a bit. It looks less like a sty now. Okay. Back to work tsu! ganbaremasu!!!!!!!!! 15 more readings to go!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:06 p.m.+

Tomatoes

*relief*
3 days of no sleep
and today I finally got some sleeping pills...
you have no idea how happy I feel

For the past 3 days, I've been watching sunrise from my window, not really bathing and not cooking at all. Too scared to shower (I ended up running out naked :0 thank god i drew down the windows), too scared of my own kitchen sink (try eating takeaway every day)

Oh, I haven't been online for the past 2 nights because of Mudfest! I'm helping out for the short film screenings, and it's pretty fun~ apparently, I'm organized when it comes to others' even if it's not for myself. Met lots of cool people: Le Mama's Zac, Briony, Kristy 1 and Kristy2 and Jessica. Then saw Paul (King Turd's director) and Emma too. Apparently, art is a lot like a cesspool - everyone knows each other and comes for each other's shows. Anyway, I've kinda figured out that if I want a career in art or art production, 3/4 of it is social contacts and that's what I'm really doing now - building groundwork in the community.

It's like....it doesn't matter if you're talented or what, if you can't socialize you're in trouble. Especially in art (or basically anything art related). You don't have the funds to advertise, so you have to relay on word-of-mouth. And it's good to be an artist in Aust, you get free tickets or what we call, "comp" tickets all the time. Everyone's a friend of a friend, or a friend. Or something.

I guess part of it is pretty logical - most people work on budgets here. A fashion show is the most expensive at 10,000 per show. A theatre production is 1,000 - 5,000 while a gallery space is 500 ~onwards. Consider this: renting the space, publicising, selling tickets, adminstration, catering, ticketing, photographers, press releases, after-work budget (aka. drinks) etc etc. Also, if you become a member of the community you get "comp" (complementary) tickets - very good because most people here watch 10 shows in 2 weeks on the average. And tickets aren't cheap either at $10-15 (concession), $25 (adult). The BEST way is really to volunteer like mad - usher, stage production, wradrobe....etc etc whatever. Then afterwards you slowly build on it until you get your own place in this society.

In a way I guess it's a lot like music - in the beginning everyone starts out as a roadie until you kinda work your way to ummm....a big name?

Anyway I'm gonna sleep soon.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:18 a.m.+

Rule no. #1653794075940o2020-94

OMG I'M OUT OF LIP CREAM HOW?

I swear to God, there's nothing like winter to remind you that YES you need to put moisturizer every single day if not your skin will feel itchy and later later when you put it on your skin will BURN and HURT and PEEL like hell because you did not bow down to the Might Moisturizer Gods.

Seriously though, I am TOTALLY OUT OF LIP MOISTURIZER PLZ HELP.

Anyway, I bought a top today for $10 and it was pink except that the salesgirl packed the WRONG size for me and it has a "no exchange no refund" rule which bothers me because I paid for it and damnit, give me the right size!D: It;s got awesome sleeves though, and I think the raven print is rather cute.

Found a new dodgy chinese takeaway for $5.50, and it really wasn't too bad. I like it!

Anyway I really need to sleep.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:00 a.m.+

ow.

Ahhh I need a layout change! Preferably something for spring-like, since it's basically spring now. Doesn't feel very spring-ish though, it's still quite cold, especially since it's been raining the last few days.

Anyway cleaned up the place, now it looks more habitable. I bought some superglue to repair my shoes, but I'm worried that it won't last through rain so I bought my first pair of converse! It's plain light grey, which ensures that it'll match anything I own. I really want to change the lace though, but I'm not sure where to get funky shoelaces in Aust....Soooooo if you want to get me anything, SHOELACES PLZ! I really want a set in black, hotpink and prints....ahhh I miss far east plaza/bugis ;_;

Went for the costume parade/rehersal and the place is bloody cold. Seriously! Next time I'm going to bring my portable heater. How do people change there?! It's so cold! I really like the cast/crew though, they're all like mini-akanishi sterotypes. There's the bakanishi version, the funny-cute one, the serious one.........the only thing they have in common is that they behave like kids.

Walked back to Elgin, which took me 2 HOURS! okay, next time I'm taking a bus. On the other hand, I found 3 art galleries, 2 photogalleries, 1 fashion designer studio (who immediately asked for my number o.O) because apparently, lolita is cute. And then I was soooooooo hungry 'cause I skipped lunch and it was nearly 4.30 and there was NO WHERE opened for food so I popped by one of those gas stations and bought the most gross takeaway ever but WHO CARES WHEN YOU'RE STRAVING????? mmmmmm~ sodium + preservatives never tasted so good.

Came home and immediately fell into a deep sleep and woke at up a deadly sorethroat and the beginnings of a fever. I think too heaty, I've been having lots of nosebleeds too >_> the air is too dry, and I sit in front of the heater which makes it worse. So I decided to cook clear soup aka. zheng soup and now I really feel much better. Afterwards had strawberry yohgurt, which was really good! I think I'll buy this brand from now on. Cheap and delicious!!!

Yeahhh...anyway it's been quite a day....and I still feel slightly ill (although looking at loli makes everything better!)

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:55 a.m.+

fog

Sent out the package, you should recieve it by Friday.

I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe the detractors are right and I really am too emotionally fragile and unstable to study overseas on my own - my self-confidence is plummeting faster than grav.freefall and it really has nothing to do with schoolwork except that vague rememberence of knowing that I'll never be good enough.

It's strange what you think at 5am in the morning.

Disassociated. The things that usually bring me happiness seem to vague now - the air is too cold, and I haven't seen the moon in weeks. Sunsets here don't blaze in splendour or die in profundity; merely they extinguish with the lonely spats of cool blues and green mixed wth the afternoon gold. It's like watching dahalias after being used to poppies. I miss my gestating sky, the incessant traffic and the quiet sense of knowing that there was wind and there was wind - not just chill and unsatisfactory cold.

Mostly I just feel I don't belong. Anywhere.

I wanted to run away as far as I could from my family but in doing so, it seems like I'm even more trapped than before. Inside, I can hear the disquieting company of voices; dad's disapporval and criticism (gee, who says i could get over anything?), mom's demands........everything. Like the further I ran the more these voices chased me on and on. Image: the limitess snowfields where the paperwhite skies met blinding frozen savannahs and the wind howling as it chases a small runner; the black speck against the white. Who can outrun the wind and the voices in it?

And yet, spring is coming with the earthy scent growing stronger and stronger. I know, I watch my mint plant grow. It's almost a bush now, and it's quite amazing considering I rarely take care of it. Like that, it bursts with rich, toothpaste-y smells and that's what it is isn't it? To live you need something to love, and over here I have nothing to love. I kiss bearbear before I leave the house and run my fingers through the fresh mint leaves and maybe each fork and spoon and pan and book I love you too. But I need someone to love - and that someone just isn't here.

It's not that I don't have friends - I always have more friends than I actually knew what to do with because sooner or later they realize I'm not really all I seem to be. My real self is an introverted teadrinking stoner who hates to fight and totally stubborn; antisocial and avoident and tendency towards obsession. Not to mention I hate clubbing, clubs, crowded places and people I know. I actually like strangers more than aquaintances, for the sheer fact that there's no strings attached with a stranger.

But people rarely notice things like this - most of the time they don't notice anything anyway. Like yesterday there was a fire at Melbourne Central and the smoke against the twlight sky was like a solarized negative, so beautiful that you forget it's actually a danger. But then, isn't danger a kind of beauty too?

I did my laundry today, contemplating on 3 weeks' worth of dirty clothing which I stuffed into the washer/dryer. It's appalling how messy one apartment can get in a week, but I don't mind. I do weekly cleaning. Come next Saturday I'll clean it up again, but right now it's basically back on the road to degeneration.

Friday.....Friday we went out again. "We" meaning Jiawei, Alex, Kurt and myself. I'll problably not go out with them anymore after this week. Alex annoys me, the conversation is unexciting - yes okay, please do tell me how many girls you've slept with, how many beers you've drank and your supposedly "manly" behaviour. Gee, I really wanted to know that. Frankly, I find it boring. Boring to the point that being alone is preferable. Just zoned out, then once the requisite hour is over I went on my own to the Carlton post office, then down to Rathdowne Village for a slice of cake and chocolate......

Warm sour cherry pie dipped in hot chocolate smothered with cream, steam rising from a retro polka-dot cup with the rustle of glossy magazines and a long long bench that smelt vaguely of pine and polish with sunlight streaming like golden bars through clean windows. Rough-hewned wood that glowed and glided, smooth and worn that you ran your fingers over groves and dips like skin and softness and something that felt familar. The taste of it.....meltingly sweet-sour cherries mixed with hot chocolate redolent with ganuache and cream with piecrust pastry into a delicious mix of magenta and purple and brown and swirls of offwhite cream. The hiss of steamed milk from coffee machines, murmurings of conversations.........I feel safe there. It's problably one of the few places I consistently go every week and look forward to going.

Like that, sancutary.
a place to call my own, my own

Then went home, napped and went out for dinner at Percy's pub which was reasonably cheap for a beer and steak ($10!). Not bad too~ A bit tough, but who cares for that kind of price? Talked to another stranger, Malcom then wandered to Borders@Lygon and later Burnetti's. I don't mind Jiawei's company, but she's still an unknown figure. Can she be trusted? *wonders* I suppose we're just casual friends. I'm pretty sure she only goes out with me because there's no one else to go out with, and it's infinitely preferable to be with me than to be alone.

She problably thinks otherwise though, but somehow....I know. I don't mind though *shrugs* some people need others even when they don't particularly like the other. Like fugly stuffed armchairs with bad floral tweed. Fugly, but useful. Something like that. Absolutely out-of-place.

so what's it gonna be?

I miss my library. Starting with Rilke, then moving down to Rimbaud and Mallarme. Do I read too much poetry? I like it more than prose in any case. Never been good at syntax.

the cold
shines dully - a knife
blade pressed to skin
how comforting
is it to feel

I miss you.

only the rain knows
the ones who walk in fog
with names of october, november
and quiet voices washing into drains
with footsteps that sound like
rain

Distorted. Somehow my piorities are wrong. Feel, don't think has never been my solution. If I just feel I end up an emotional mess with confused thoughts and tangled ideas (remember the last time? or maybe no one wants to?). I can't continue to lock away all the sickness and despairing and desperation and longing - I long for another human, to be understood, to be treated as one, to be seen and sometimes its just so much that I just want....anything to feel and forget and lock it away again but underneath the skin (all that dying epidermis and dead keloid) is want

i hold you in my heart [my heart]

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:46 a.m.+

tealtealteal

I think my offical favourite colour ATM is teal - there's something zetsy and nutty about wearing it, and it's so bright and shiny and zomg-inducing that I feel like wearing it. Isn't that such a meaningless reason? And that reminds me, I need to make a new layout.

I'm just sluggish lately - lazy without reason, spendthrift without consideration. Perhaps loneliness really manifests itself in the weirdest ways, like candycanes on snow. I haven't really been a good blogger lately and while I could make up excuses, the truth is that it seems like there are things so intangible I'm running out of things to say. What interests me now isn't so much the exquisiteness of reflection, but to drown myself is so much feeling until I don't think anymore (omg! Lenina Crown!)

The song that exists doesn't remind me of endless stretches and highways anymore, my love affair with long distances seem slited and waylaid, as though caught in a kappa's trap. I get frequently annoyed - although I rarely show it, and even less know. When I look out I feel more like I'm looking in - into myself and this mess of tangled emotions/intellect which doesn't even make sense to myself.

I miss home
Not the place, but the people
I hold your hand in my heart [my heart]

For me, summer will always be home and even in the gorgeous onset of spring - I can't feel anything more than the mean seasons that remind me over and over again with the mulching of trees and bursting of magnolias with the snowflake/sakura like elderflowers. Yes, the sky's still the same but the sunset never looked so unfamilar

i feel like i'm losing it, slowly.

i don't feel like talking lately.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:00 a.m.+

school is very good for p0rn

Got audy's parcel yesterday and OMG IT IS SO AWESOME! I think "awesome" is my favourite word lately, is that very childish?

Anyway remember the cute guy I mentioned a week ago? I found his name yesterday, he's called Eddie (which is a totally uncute name) and he's from a private school and actually closeup, he's not really that cute after all. Sadness! And jiawei doesn't understand slang so when I said kakkoii! she was huh? o.O and I was argh forgotforgot! I miss people who speak Japanese slang :/ I don't even WANT to think if I said Oh My Kafetheresu!

Booking tickets to watch THE KILLERS! in November and it's going to be really fun. Monday I have briefing for the play and it's just going to be really busy soon especially with all the assignments piling up like badly wrapped christmas presents.

I'm actually in the 24hr schoolab now, and it's faster than my CS internet. The only problem is that I can't watch crunchyroll here ;_; But I do most of my mp3 downloads here xD and read akame p0rn! 'cause akame p0rn totally roxxors my soxxors.

I just need to finish my PNA then I'll problably go home.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:14 p.m.+

urgh

I have a headache from listening to too much Take That. *drinks milk* MILK MAKES YOU GROW.

'kay, lemme finish my PNA first. Homework desu!!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:23 p.m.+

Patience

don't be too hard on my emotions

*looks up briefly*
God I'm swamped with work
I HATE myself for not skimping on work
*grumbles*

Felt suicidal and limpid and sulked all the way through the entire afternoon during Spacelab (then the lecturer kept giving me wtfy!looks which makes me wonder whether i look that fragile or not) listening to ALL 88 DeG songs on my ipod and slowly plotting my own demise. By 5pm I was so suicidal (and practically horizontal) that I went to Castro's Kiosk and watched the sunset and sat in the twilight and drank such a big cup of coffee that i felt nauseous and sick and disgusted at myself then jiawei came to pull me out of my own broken mess

i'm not really fragile am i?
i just keep thinking of the lecturer's expression on me
like as though i was broken glass

was still naseaous and ended up skipping dinner....even curry had no effect on me! *horror!* usually i can't resist the lamb redang. then just slacked around Borders@Lygon Court again - it's weird but seeing other people depressed makes me happier. Or actually, when I'm depressed I become snappier and crackish and really annoying because I started singing the Ghostbuster's theme song and all the stupid songs I knew (Welcome to My Romance anyone? xD)

Anyway I'll problably move out next year to somewhere more central (ahhh must catch celeste online!) and then just talked and stoned and sulked (me actually) and made BAD JOKES! i think i pwn at bad jokes/imagery because i LOVE bad jokes......lol, -shire anyone?

Didn't get the BTSSB luckypack, but I bet people will start selling on the comn once they realize what they got eg. shitbrown JSK, hotdog JSK. I don't doubt that some stuff will be wonderful, but I think luckypack = stock clearance. The chances of getting something good is pretty silm, unless it's an IW luckypack/Miho Matsuda luckypack.

mmmmm 'kay, quite sleepy.
*rolls around*

Talking about loli, MY PACKAGE ARRIVED YAY! Have to go down to Carlton tomorrow morning though, since I only checked my mail at 9pm :0 I wish I checked earlier, but then today's class finished at 3pm and the postoffice closes at 4pm anyway. And yeah, need to pay the $91 before I get a late payment fine. And the electricity bill too :(

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:26 p.m.+

changeable

Is it me or is pitas messing lately? It's so weird to have my fresh and healthy breeze unavaliable when I feel like blogging.

i'm so tired *sprawls*

today i actually messed up to the point that my eletricity was CUT OFF! because i spilled soup by accident and i just felt so dumb and silly and slightly wangsty. then my MSN has been totally buggy lately and seriously the only thing that's keeping me going is akame fics :O yes you heard right! akame fics and lolita.

Oh yeah, BTSSB released fukuburo!
It's only $80 for an entire set

Have to start drafting PNA and that bloody thinger soon. Hell, I think I'll just blog-style that PNA on notepad, THEN copypaste to word. I hate using word - they keep screwing my sentance structure and fragments and so what if I'm not using SVO? :(! I feel frown-y!!

Listening to crappy summertime songs in the middle of winter, magnolias are bursting into bloom on spidery branches, the ground is crunchy with glass and dew and sparkles in daylight like frozen water.....and all I do is sprawl on my not-quite-cleanest carpet of my not-that-cold apartment infront of my portable heater stoning to delightful sounds of sweet dreams till sunbreams find you//but in what dreams whatever they'll be//dream a little dream of me

I can't seem to find my songs
Heather remind me how this ends

Jiawei lost her wallet, so I lent her 10 bucks. Today was just hetic though - Pysch trial in the morning, rushed to Collin's St to buy fabric and then 2hrs of Lab Pract. I remember just bits and pieces of today - days seem to fall like sand slipping through my fingers; mindless little wonderland of blackhole practically all tinged with the same obliviousness unreality.

See; roasted chestnut bought on Elizabeth's all warm and crispy and smelling like caramel when broken with cold fingers with a smile by the woman who didn't speak english who sold it to me. Cleg's fabrics - less like a fabric shop than artistic display with armfuls of polycotton blends in my arms as I lug them to the counter. Eftops, I ask? Groceries cutting red lines on my wrists as I cram into the 01 train at 5pm filled with perfume and sweat and exhaustion and the voices of other passengers (slient and not) just wanting to go home. Wrapping my scarf tighter around my loose layered clothes and Red Mad Hatter meeting me on the train; a glance, a smile and a tilt of the hat. Here's my card, and the tucks it into my hat and I can't help but smile back

Such a gorgeous red velveteen suit he had

a glance through the veil of
dark lashes; a screened secret
a promise kept in the eyes
only
but never with lips

I feel so wishywashyswishy *sprawls* something about a HayoRyu fic and kittens and damned, I can't find it anymore *sighs*

Okay. Tomorrow is going to be nasty and hungry - 11am to 12noon Spacelab Lecture, 12noon - 1pm Psychology Lecture and 1pm - 3pm Spacelab Tute. Then need to go PostTalk to pay school fees, afterwards head down to Rawthdowne village for a quick cake?maybe and Alice bookshop to pass the poetry to Mr.Anthony hmmm...what shall I wear tomorrow? I'll be sitting n the floor an awful lot, so skirts are out. Cream shirt + black tunic + jeans + coat and hat. Hats are really useful in winter! It really DOES keep your head warm

k i need sleep

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:14 p.m.+

johnjohn johnny's boy

YAY I CLEANED!

Actually it was more like an act of desperation since there's no way I could leave my dishes more than a week in the sink.

Went Lazzat again since I couldn't be bothered to cook, stoned at Lygon Court, woke up at 3pm...yadayada...are you really interested in all this? Anyway I found that I generally like to live alone - my apartment really seems like part of me, and everytime I'm back I feel comfortable enough to walk around in shirt and underwear. If the roomate thing doesn't work out, I'll problably continue staying at Lygon's. Personally, I'll love to get a place above Myer's (need to ask Celeste who's her agent) and the rent is pretty much the same except for MORE space. Plus, I like being near the city *shrugs* it's more convienent and safer.

I've calculated that I'll problably run out of money by Dec because of the security deposit but by then hopefully things will even out. Living here is expensive! So far I've managed by eating cheap (and living dodgy) and walking. It kinda pays off to walk since I'll get fat otherwise :O how else would I fit loli-clothes?!

Anyway cheapo-ness is useful here
Tomorrow night is 2 pizza for 10aud, so if we can drag another person it'll be 3.30 dinner. and NO WASHING.

Tuesday I'll problably drop by Alice Bookshop, talk about poetry and start digging journal articles for Psych. Oh yeah, must remember to do the DeRive!!!!!!! That's the biggest pain right now. I just wanna like, get all the resources I need so that when the time comes all I need is to compile the work. I really want to take it as easy as possible and not overstress so starting early is a must.

I like uni-life though, the flexibility appeals to me.

Fabric-ing at Cleg's tomorrow, problably have to sleep soon. Then 1pm is Psych trial. Meet Natz at Redmond Berry 2pm. 3pm Psych tutorial. Go IGA to pick up some groceries then make a scrappy soup dinner. Maybe I should stop by safeway for more ham?!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:49 a.m.+

icallmeagrowingchild

Listening to: Call Me - Cowboy Bebop OST

Went out for shopping and bought 2 camisoles and 2 cardigans. OMG I am totally in LOVE with my first cardigan, it looks like ETC! (but cheaper!XD) It's black with gem buttons and puff sleeves and cute ribbon emboridery. AWESOME. And I got the last one too!~~~ It was just fun walking down Swanston and Russell and through Myers to Supre (which is kinda like What If Topshop and Zara had a LoveChild) and talking about which subjects had the hottest guys (FILM THEORY WINZ HANDS DOWN) Then stopped by DonDon - a hole in the wall joint with creaky timber floorboards, vermillion walls, purple barstools and the CHEAPEST japanese rice at $5.50 a bowl. It's pretty decent too, and the rice was awesome after days of bad!japanese temaki.

Then afterwards headed down to QV for lemon tea and milo pudding (Jiawei's choice!*dies*) and talked cock for the next few hours - basically about shopping, lack of boyfriends, money issues, uni-homework and personal histories. Feeling slightly don't-carish, went down to Safeway to buy a bottle of (shared) Vodka Cruiser in Raspberry and..........

OMG. IT WAS THE WORST VODKA EVER.

It didn't even taste like shit, it didn't taste like anything! Just soda pop. It was like fizzy ribena and worst of all, the alcohol level was so pathetic that we were getting colder from drinking. No pleasant buzz of intoxication, no happy!feelings, no stomach-warmig joy just the weird artifical raspberry aftertaste like bad soda pop. Then we decided to go find a bar to slack and drink some (proper) alcohol and went around Lonsdale to look for Red Hummingbird and went off tangent to a cosy Greek cafe for chocolate walnut baklava (which had so much sugar it made me high - chocolate, honey, walnut, syrup and filo pastry!) but ended up in this dodgy hole called Section 8 Container (tsu's instinct)

sidenote: I just realize I have a natural instinct for dodgyness. I found DonDon just like I found that cheap teppenyaki bar (behind Lonsdale on QV, in an alley) and now I found a weird bar.

The music was pretty good, the beer was REALLY BAD. As in, the WORST BEER I EVER HAD. WORST. It was so dry I have a sorethroat now and it was mostly gas and AWFUL. I felt so bloated and annoyed after that. Then the highlight of the night: I got hit on by a guy, WHO TRIED A PICKUPLINE IN CHINESE. o.O and he continued on and on in this atrocious accent and I couldn't understand half the things he was talking about - something about his love of china I believe (my ears burn in pain) and it was hilarious! firstly because he was picking me up in chinese (even though he knew i could speak perfectly good english), secondly because he was YOUNGER than me (dear lord o.O) and finally, his accent was absolutely INCOMPREHENSIBLE

escaped when he went for a toilet break (poor jiawei was being hit on by his friends and drank MY beer) and ranted on the State of Awful Alcohol (omg it tastes sooooooo bad) - worst of all it was super-drying and now i can feel a sorethroat coming along ARGH *grounches* I'm never going to drink a corona again, VB for me! Walked up Russell then Lygon and then Jiawei told me that AlexJ really did try to hit on her (hah! I was right!) and sms-ed her "if she wanted to fuck" and then I was OMG NOOOOOOOOOO he's just so gross okay!

anyway I'm pretty tired and tomorrow there's fitzroy gardens and PNAs and housecleaning to do~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:00 a.m.+

last song

Listening to: stoner songs

Today was cold - so cold I didn't want to wake up and just curled further undearneath like squirrels in winter and breadbaskets in ovens. Deary weary cold and windy weathery foul with dulled sullen edges of sodden grey (like saliva spitted newspaperprint) and paperwhite starkness with the weird incongruity of seeing the first magnolia buds on trees like dusty white dandruff on bald branches.

I ran to school in the most awesome sprint ever and was STILL 30mins late. Yeah. I think by now everyone knows me as the "person who is always late for M/C tute". Thankfully my tutor is a very understanding soul and I'm lucky enough that I'm pretty decent with my work and ideas. Seriously the demands isn't really hard, and even while he's talking and I'm daydreaming and I've already written part of it in my head and I know how it'll go. Conceited? Nah. I think the reason why I tend to think more easily is because I'm not trying to impress anyone; therefore no idea is stupid. Like, our question this week is to first a 1st person journalism - kinda like a "slice of life" thing. Some people are doing like heavy-handed existentialist themes on like "thoughts interrupted and obscured whilst sitting on a french cafe" and diebetes and such...... me? I'm just gonna write on how I can never wake up in the morning.

In writing, it seems like the harder you try, the worse it becomes. Just take it easy y'know?

Afterwards went for cake and coffee. Or actually, I *WAS* supposed to then Alex J, Matthew and Achin just invited themselves along even though I really couldn't give a fuck just wanted them to leave me alone. I was really pissed by then and sulking while thinking murdereously violent thoughts sprinkled with Swiftian angst.

in this bone chilling wind
and this cold cruel air
comes the mean winter
with pinched lips
of malice

something like that. i WAS bloody pissed. i was pissed off at the guys for inviting themselves, i was slightly pissed off at jiawei for sharing my cake (even though i didn't offer, although she paid her part in the end). i didn't want to share my raspberry linzer torte. i don't bloody care if you paid half in the end - i don't want money, i want my cake! :( so i decided to be grounchy and anti-social and leave while the others freeze their buttocks off sitting outside talking about (what else?) army, F1, sex and girls. so i went to the bookshop and bought myself a faulkner on the nature of evil and by then, jiawei seemed totally bored so felt sorry for her (but still pissed at my cake) so i asked if she wanted to come along with me instead.

stopped by the secondhand clothes shop and saw this awesomely cute black hat and OMG! it was soooo cheap ($18) but looked like the kind of cloth hats VM came up with. it was black wool with turned up edges and a boxy shape - like a squashier boater. the funniest thing was this old saleswoman (about 40s?50s?) practically SQUEED when i put it on and went like :"omg you look so adorable with your small face under the black hat! you want to wear it now?!" hahaha.....the only problem is it's slightly big on me, but she's right though it's like 1000x cute factor. the amount of older people giving me sappy looks is kinda scary o.o

then i got my first marriage proposal LOLz today! hahaha...no seriously. see, there's this bookshop called Alice Bookshop at rawthdowne village and it was like, every single author i was looking for Mr.Anthony (the bookeeper) liked them too. and when i started asking for my usual faves: Rilke, Swift and Pushkin he became totally excited and went like: "if i wasn't married and younger i'll propose to you right now!" hahahahaha and we just spent like 2 hrs just talking about poetry and poets and authors and different books and language and he asked me if i wrote anything and he wanted to see it! i'm so happy!:D! it was totally awesome~ i really want to go back and the best part is i got 2 gorgeous books: Swift's Last Order and Baudelaire's Fleurs du Mal (Flowers of Malady). I haven't read Last Order and although I was originally looking for Waterland/Light of Day, I'm happy with this one. I enjoyed Shuttlecock as well after all

it's like awesome! *_*!
hahaha and weirdest of all, it was the first time any guy found me interesting *rueful* and he happens to be old enough to be my grandfather!

then went back to my place to slack while jiawei KO'ed (idiot girl for going to all the lectures and working in such a singaporean way) while i surfed loli, akame and listened to stoner music. ate curry!rice for dinner and then had pistachio/chocolate gelato~~~~~~~~~yay! so delicious!

anyway i'm quite tired, tomorrow i'll be going to vic market.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:20 a.m.+

remixed

rejected courtesean
a violent red pout on pale skin
stand in the corner
talk to the wall
and voices
of vengeance to next
in a deadly crimson
kiss

-------------

it's the green green world
with green green skin
sway side by side
rocking
small peas in a boat
bliss

---------------

i'm tired but not and kinda on a high but not - the sliding slope, the eventual downspiral towards balance (or further) again - sway sway side by side sway like the rolling and lulling of waves.....fukai. watched The Piano by Jane Campion yesterday and it's weird but i like it in a fukai-esque way, although technically they asked us to analyze it using french feminist theory and I was like -_- I hate Lacan and all those insane neurotic psychoanalysts who talk and talk and talk about selfs and others and mirrors and all i can think of the the serenity of a drowning sea

rolling, crashing, rollicking
yura yura
a wavering dream
a wavering form
a wavering crush
into beyond

and then i met up with Emma on monday and suddenly i'm wardrobe mistress of a play i've never even read and in charge of makeup and every single minute details from making large, feathery props to bonnets. actually i'm quite grateful that i know (theoratically) how to build frames, although the Spacelab won't be too happy when they find out the obscene amounts of wire and masking tape i use. basically i clip and bend the wire to make the frame, and loop the tape in layers over the wire until it's sealed. very effective. so far i've made a rotating wing+eyeball, a large feather fan and a bonnet

and then i had curry redang down at lygon for $5.50 and it was AWESOME and then walked and walked because sometimes i feel like a shiftless ghost of energy and frustration and walking helps. i walk an awful lot. sometimes strolling, sometimes sprinting, sometimes running but moving and moving because it needs to go somewhere

i hold your voice near my mouth
mute; i hold the change in the other
reciever at the lips
words..........will they be spoken?
the coins grow warm
in this sweaty hand
such is the company of a mute voice

then today i went for film theory and cute guy was there but i was just too drained to care. sometimes i feel so.....heart-caught. heart-trapped-pain. acute. and then i miss home. not homesickness, but bouts of other-knowlegde of better tasting sushi and warm humidity and sunshine that beats down your skin like a wave-chopper and sayaendou. peas. i miss home like i miss green peas that i keep making soup from because when i crunch them i think of my own home somewhere..........that green taste of longing.

i only wanted to begin

for me home is here too now because my room is roofed with skies and extensions, but home is also where my heart is and my heart is back there wilting in sunshin and also fighting off winter and hugging you but also wrapped up in quilts and i don't know anymore, but just know that i care even when i don't say anything.

tomorrow i feel like buying curry back home and making curry instant noodles, because i miss curry (esp. aya's) so much with potatos and chicken. funny thing is how much chilli i'm eating - i'm addicted to chilli oil with flakes. the sichuan ones. i mix it into my soup and noodles and it's like whoaaaaaa!spicy but i like it. weird huh?

today when i napped i felt like not waking up, but then i knew that people expected me to so i did. because tsu must be tsuyoku isn't it? haruka tsyuoku

tell me it'll be all right in the end
i need to believe
that somewhere
-you- exist; and i am not the
only
one

i feel so weary.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:00 a.m.+

itchy

my skin is itching again *eek eek* need to add more moisturizer.

finished the wing-frame, teased/disgusted jiawei (omg so easy and fun!), met up with emma, bumped into annette, had a poufy eclair thingthing and LAMB RENDANG! at lygon <3

mmmm k, I'm really rather sleepy.

Tomorrow's another long day, I haven't packed lunch or decided what to wear...so yeah. Btw, I LOVE MY AKAME WINAMP SKIN! IT MAKES ME HAPPY!:D

and yeah, homework, theatre props and profile to do..boo~ tomorrow's another long day too (film theory gahdkjdfghgghdff) and 10am prof writing lect at Grattan.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:46 p.m.+

cherry ripe

houston can you hear me?
drifiting through space
this fellytone on my bubblemask
goldfish swimneth in farthest shores
are you there?are you there?
in
hello?

if you haven't figured out by now, I am in a crappy mood. i'm in the kind of splintery-stark mood that thinks of cloudy days with weird dappled sunshine thrown with off-colour shadows and non-existance. that you feel sheer weightlessness of living and how reality seems like one big fat void of negation and you're just floating there - freely or not, in this embroytic fluid of selfish living and existential angst.

and i'm listening to gackt :|

it's days like this when i feel sodden and alone - apart and wanting yet unable to call or make contact with anyone else but the people i see onscreen and then this deathly fear of embarassment (oh gawd i don't want people to think i'm a weakling!!!) so in my (insensible) pride i simply sit around, listening to Fragrance for the 100000x time and eat cherry ripe chocolate. cherry ripe, i'm pretty sure is an australian fetish because NO WHERE ELSE have i seen so much fruit-flavoured chocolate. it's basically dessicated coconut with cherry syrup, covered in dark chocolate. like an evil!badung.

i eat it to feel less empty
it's so sad isn't it? when your existance has shrunk
to
this

even now, i can never stop associating the artifical sweetness of cherry - the inital sugary rush with the bitterness of chemical saccharine mixed with the dry, chewyhardness of coconut and the crack of dark chocolate with the dearyness of an empty room, the sound of music; noise really to make up for the lack of conversation, the suffocating emptiness of being alone and then the odd, human fear of being the only one......the only one in this world. terrifying. irrational.

but so real.

so now i'm eating it, cherry ripe. the oncoming rush of sugar that fills the passing void of days, masticating in an artifical glory of colouring, preservatives and saccahrine. it melds, smoothly in a sad, atery-clogging, dibeties-causing pink/brown mixture in the mouth. candy. smooth. cadbury. chocolate. cherry. love. lonliness.

i think i'll get fat more from depression than anything else.
the nights are always the hardest.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:25 p.m.+

fringe

hard glitter eyes
how did i get them?
sweet mocking love
sweet mocking smile
in
oblivion

to look at something and push it and pull it and then you realize that nothing gives it away as much as hard glitter eyes. that's right. the right shield, the static smile, the careless sarcasm. push pull hard fast slow down slow down before you run over and kill someone. it works like that, i still haven't learnt.

it's not like i don't have people wanting to be friends with me, nor is it i have a lack of people who are decent and good but i can't - for the life of me, can't seem to throw myself wholeheartedly with trust. there will always be a line. there must always be a line. the line exists.

something like that.

yesterday had a mini-loli meet with sefie and celeste, ate brunetti's then bought a pair of shoes and bag to match with my loli clothes for manifest. then today, overslept and jiawei asked me out and we bumped into alexj, who is in the same tute. went back to watch australian idol, great comedy debate and gokusen 2

i think weekends are my junk food days...baklava, chocolate raspberry mousse, pod's, sandwhiches, honey toast, mircowaved eggs....and then come monday, it's back to soup and soup and MORE soup till the weekend comes round again.

jiawei's right though, laziness = involuntary dieting
washing dishes is the biggest incentive to not eating!

the small small sound
backofthethroat
it comes
goldfish eyes, quiet eyes
parted lips
soundlessly is that
seen in a small small sound

i give myself nightmares, seriously :/ i just do. good thing i'm not a wristslasher, life would be worse then.

kinda stoned.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:59 a.m.+

oh hay~

Yesterday was all sappy and fangirly and pretty funny....I got hit on by a girl again! *horrors* do I give off gay vibes or something?? Anyway it was weird but okay :x

My tutors are pretty fun, especially media and comns~ we got our first assignments today as well as assesment criteria. It's not too bad, I have a few ideas on what to do next ^^v

tomorrow there might be a photoshoot, if not, next week I'll just DIY one myself! I really want to do a fairywish photoshoot....lots of ideas, so little time!

PS. your letters are being posted on monday, you should get it by next next monday xD

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:02 a.m.+

splinter

sometimes it just takes eats your breath - the wounded sounds that don't sound like human but an animal whimpering in the dark and you can't help but think of words like splintered that seem so incomplete and weary and you're just longing - yes, that's right seludeda for the right thing to just come passing......

and that's what memory tastes like; all glass and cherry ripe chocolate of understanding and regret and everything you know (of course, it's yours) but not the same - not ever.

so it goes without saying please baby come home to me tonight that awful cheesy song with the moon looking over your shoulder and sad distant stars (all 4.6 billion years into cosmotic love) of such gutwrenching feeling and it's like all there but not so you lock it away so that no one can look at you when you leave it behind...

except it never does leave you and no one's looking when it you regress and make those sounds which aren't words or anything and don't have a name because it's both past and present and maybe that's just what it is - want. i want. i want this. and suddenly, everything is so saccharine.

then there's nothing more to be said until the next time.

------------------

weird day. got hit on by a girl(!), ate SAS food (argh now i regret being a member) and was late for film tutorial. my film tute is pretty cool at least, there's ONE smart guy. although, i use "smart" in a relatively loose way, since he also seems to be those rebel-politico-leftist with incoherency problems (in addition to having zero context). anyway i have a feeling i can pwn all my classes just by doing the readings since no one actually seems to read them :x

and.....OMG i went for the philo lect on existentialism and it was AWFUL. Awful with a capital A. the first few minutes were okay, then it degenerated into repetitive psychobabble which was totally incoherent and LOGICAL FALLACIES. omg. when did cheerfulness become a "less" emotion than "hatred"? is there like, some emotional barometer that i'm not aware of?

in any case, philo is boring :0 i'll rather do art!

i don't feel right.
maybe during the day, the light helps keep it away
but alone
it's me and bearbear against the world
i need to touch someone
just...........hug someone
to feel again

i don't miss singapore
i miss my home
the heart i left behind
missing pieces........

i'm such a wuss :x

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:03 a.m.+

Love is.....

CLICK HERE!

love
tsu