Imitation

Blargh bank haven't cleared cheque yet. Thus I'll have to wait till tomorrow 2pm before I can start spending huge amounts of money. Mwee~ tsu=spendthrift I want new skirts too. Eyeing that lovely codoury-satin black skirt from Zara (has a ribbon!), any bouncy tartan skirt (show me plaid and I'll puddle-lize) and lastly, I need a nice shirt because my mom is dragging me off to take Scary Family Photo after exams.

I'm going to be crazily busy after Promos methinks. It's funny how I'm busier AFTER the exams than during it. My schedule is currently not fixed but mostly full and I'll problably end up hiding in dark dingy corners of school after promos to sew. No sun please, thankyouverymuch. I don't want any sports or games or whatever because I need to look Kantarou-pale for Christmas. Seriously. I need to like .....stay pale! and sew finish everything.

Damnit I haven't really found out when EoY is.

Anyway.

Finish drafting up shikifuku design, and I downloaded the design for circle skirts to sew finish my pink tartan skirt ^-^ No, I'm not planning to look like a Japanese lolita. No offence to anyone but unless you have a stick-skinny figure, you're going to look like a meringue+creampuff in that. Not to mention S'pore's weather ranges an average of 34 deg celsius a day. The worst is the humidity...everyone goes around sweating like a beached whale.

And if you really want to dig deeply on _why_ I never want to look like a lolita is beacuse I've been highly traumatized by my childhood dresses of frilly lace and ribbons. Look. I've only started wearing pants recently okay? Let me have fun for a while~ (Yes yes...I know I usually run around in skirts but I DO own one pair of pants.) In addition, I look friggin' young already. No thanks.

The only person I know who'll wholeheartedly embrace the whole thing is Sakky. But she actually looks good in pink so it's okay! :D And being the only person I know who can walk 16km in a pinkpurple frilly miniskirt.

Argh SG banking system is an annoyance. Bank in cheque after 3pm and it only gets cleared 2 days after. *dies* That's my lui (money) you're holding there kk!!?!?!?

And I really want to get good seats too ;____;
Somewhere around section 200, row N would be just nice.

Damnnnnnnn bankssssss....*curses* If I started a bank, I'll figure a more efficient way darnit. Like set up a direct-wire/direct-tracker system like BT. It's just so friggin' SLOW and we're supposed to be the financial hub of Asia and all that.

Arghhh...

Went to Kino, bought some sheets of letter-writing paper which can double as christmas letters~ They're so pretty I want to use them NOW. *_* So pretty~~~

Things I need to do after 6 Oct

-Mom dragging me off for some spa-thing (7 oct)
-Mom dragging me off to cut trim hair(7 oct)
-Exhibition opening @Block43 studios(7 oct)
-Exhitbition opening for CJC Art students(7 oct)
-Meet up with leXis; lunch and wig-picking
-Meet up with Tessie; lunch and catching up
-Meet up with Sharon; lunch and gossiping
-Send letter, buy cloth and start sewing
-Stuff to sew: Bag deco, circle skirt and shikifuku
-Audy's birthday (12 Oct)
-Quidam, 8pm with audy and sakky(13 oct)
-Ask sakky to stay over (13/14 oct)
-Haruka's birthday [Tactics] (15 oct)
-Update +Pipedreams+
-Mom's family picture thing (end Oct)
-Start planning for November
-Start planning for Christmas
-Start working :D

LOL....I look busy, but most of the time are very carefully planned. Really. So don't worry, I'll always be free for my friends :P

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:06 p.m.+

Amaryllis

My head hurts like shit.
I've been migraine-ing and dizzy for the past few days.
Yesterday night I could barely walk to my room na...
Urgh urgh urgh painnn.. *dies*

Did most of errands, will be going SISTIC and Kino and Art Friend tmr. I hope I get the seats at row L >.< Aargrghh why must the cheque take one day to clear??? So irritating.

Argh my head hurts and I am in pain.
Finished the Tactics fic, I've decided to do one for each month. So it's 12 one shots. Fun right? ^^

---------------------
Nights
Haruka x Kantarou (Tactics)
Rating: R
---------------------

Here
posted to LJ comn love_tactics

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:42 p.m.+

*gasps!* sou deshou?!

Hey lookie! It's end September already!
*sighs melodramatically*
I suppose everyone will be watching with a bated breath on What Happens Next. Or they've problably gotten bored of the angst. LOL.

Start with exam-talk then ^^

------------------

I'm going to say something like:
"For sure in hell I only studied this paper the night before."

I didn't do well, and I -know- it.
LDJ was pure unadulterated bullshit.

It's not like I didn't know what to write; I spent 5 minutes planning my essay and organizing it according to themes. The problem with it was that I couldn't start properly, and the essay was inconsistent. The good points - isolative existance, concealment and the whole shifting relationships thing - were good but the entire thing was inconsistent and rambly because I couldn't figure a way to link the paragraphs to one another. So it's like themes of American Dream would jump to Family Tensions and then bounce back to Naturalism as a critical influence.

Repeat after me: ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH.

I didn't write a lot either, 4 sides or, 2pages.

Blake was well, Blake. What can I say besides that he's so repetitive I could use the same points for every single one of his poems and not flunk it? He ALWAYS uses the same techniques. Always. Repeat after me: repetition, lyricism, refrains, natural imagery, unusual symbology. And it's funny how this applies to every_single_poem, be it Innocence or Experience. Did the easy question (why does everyone think I did the hard one?) because it's commonsensical to pick the easy one. I like it, but I'll never set myself up for doing something hard.

I covered everything, but it was inconsistently done. *sighs* No consistency!

Anyway, by the time the exam ended my stomach was going "guruguru" and I was like "hurry collect darnit! I'm straving!"

Had food. Yummyness.....Then crammed like crazy for Brave New World and Glass Menargerie. It's literally a mind-stuffing activity. You see people hanging around randomly quoting to themselves hypnopeadiac messages like "A gram is better than a damn." "A B C vitamin D. The oil's in the liver, the cod's in the sea." ANYONE, strolling into the CJC library this afternoon would've thought the entire level was mad.

Madness continued when the paper actually started.
Mad mad mad pro-writing skillz.
I finished a total of 6pages (12sides) for both questions.
Okay so the glass meangerie one sucked shit, because everything just flew over my head and I totally forgot about the damned "Ou sont de.." screen legend. Yes yes, it means "Where are the snows?" I'm just carelessly idiotic okay?

>________________<

Because I'm tired-ish, I'll just list what went on.

Tomorrow's errands:
Go bank (my cheque and kor's)
Collect passport and IC (for sis)
Go SISTIC
Go Kinokuniya
Please note that it takes one working day for my cheque to be banked in, so have to wait.
Buy turps.
Go home and start mixing bckgrd paint.
Fix painting.
Write Tactics fanfic, Nights
Make it as smutty as humanly possible.

Yesterday:
Did not get lost
Fell asleep on the train.
Had lunch at Mos
Behaved diplomatically (aka. self deprecation works)

Addicted to:
Pleinair Handbook - Haradaya circle
Tactics Tactics Tactics!<3
Need to buy blueberry shampoo
Make new layout cos Sept. is ending
Tactics Tactics Tactics!<3<3

I'm so addicted to HaruKan that I need a good smack on the head. Like THUNK!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:28 p.m.+

I've been having weird thoughts lately.....

tsu-baka can't stand studying for Lit.
She opens the notes, downloads lectures and just sighs in despair.
Something like: ARRGHHH NOOOOO WHYYY??!?!?!?

I don't get it.
Usually I LIKE Lit.
Now when I'm supposed to consider Seriously Important things
I want to watch MTV and paint ;____;

Just thinking.......if a scream is carried in the wind, and people stop and wonder if they ever heard it, how would it look like?

A rustling cry? A quiet wail? And all these oxymoronic things?

I hate open text.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:53 p.m.+

E for Exceeding Expectations

Economics is the shittiest, crappiest, foulest, most disgustingly anal-rententive, memory-sucking, boredom-inducing, most loathable, despicable subject ever invented by Greek. Which, ironically comes from the ever dysfunctional word "household" ekonmic

The economics paper is no exception.

I actually question-spotted the right questions for essay-component. Simply vomiting my pre-made "Is Monopoly Evil?"-essay plan on the 25mark-er, then regurgiating whatever I could remember on Central Problem of Econs. The essay part wasn't so bad. I wrote as much as I could, skipping points for a conclusion (Monopoly quest. I skimmed over 2nd deg. px discrimination in favour of a conclusion) Cause it's worth more marks to have an intro+conclusion than an actual point.

The case study was HELL.

So Production & Cost came out alright, but I couldn't for the life of me remember the "Survival of Small Firms". I just BS-ed the most I could, and wrote 2! paragraphs for an 8 mark question. Go me *dies*

-------------------

Am addicted to Haruka x Kantarou fics.
Exam stress = in need of yaoi = frequent visits to yaoi_daily

It makes me want to write crazy S/M smut. Woohoo! How strange is that? *thinks smutty thoughts* Seriously considering writing p0rn just for kicks. I mean, they even call it a master-servant relationship! How can you not love????

For those who hang out on yaoi_daily, it reminds you a little of Kanazari and Itsuki from the Aisigri Yuu manga doesn't it? xD xD Queen of High School<3

Anyway, settling with cosplaying Tactics for EoY 2005. Waiii~ I feel like a kid in a candy store! Like hmmmm....what shikifuku to pick, what colour, what design....etc etc. So fun desu na! And I'm buying the wig from leXis too ($25)...waiii! Should I be a blond? Sliver? Milk-white? Ahhh...questions questions....xD xD Shikifukus that can double up as Racial Harmony Day outfits loool. I'll bring real ofuda too!

*happy sigh*

I need a Haruka cosplayer though....hmmmnnn

Other random rubbish: SEISHIROU IS TEH LOVE!<3

Going to Farthest Shore tomorrow, to visit The Family. I'm praying they don't ask too many questions, I'm praying that I look good and not like a horribly ungainly student, I'm praying that I don't say anything inapporiate and as long as I survive lunch, get my cheques ($200 for kor, $1400 for atashi~) I'm clean.

Then I'll hop over to Scotts at Orchard, go SISTIC and settle the ticketing then go Kino and get her hehehe. No sakky, it's not a beep. It's a hehehe. xD xD

What is a hehehe?
It's heavy, hard and very VERY big.

^___________________^

Anyway, CL B exam tomorrow!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:52 p.m.+

Argh!!!! Idiot of the century-ness!

I'm offically an idiot.
Only idiots stammer and make stupid questions like:
"How was your day?" and "Hope you're studying for Econs"
and other idiotic remarks that show your remarkable stupidity

*kicks self*
WHY WHY WHY is it that moi -a ficwriter, Lit student and wordplay fetishist-goes absolutely BRAINLESS when talking to Mr baobao?

*kicks self* idiotic biological reactions that release obscene amounts of aderaline and endorphine into the bloodstream.

Case to point: Yesterday night's convo. (God I must seem like the biggest idiot in the world). What happened was that we talked rudimentary things like schoolwork and exams then I accidentally blurted that my paper sucked cos I went out of point and wrote about suicide. Feeling like an idiot, I ditched him and went offline only to realize that ditching makes me like.........SO CHILDISH. So I went back online to apologize for my unseeming behaviour, but felt shy so I went offline before he could answer.

Arghz I feel like an idiot. A big fat st00pid idiot.

But the truth is I don't think I'm ready for a relationship anyway. Talking to Tessie puts certain things in perspective, for instance: All my relationships are screwed.

Do I even have a -normal- relationship with anyone?

My familial relationships are dysfunctional, most of my close friendships are screwed, most of my aquaintance-level frienships are based on powerplays and occasionally I make friends just to use them. (I'm awful I know)

So when audy asked me what I did that made my relationships so screwed up, I couldn't answer. Maybe it lies along the lines of : "tsu is an obsessive extreme all-or-nothing person" or "If I loved someone and they rejected me, I'll just go off and die"?

I'm a danger damnit. I'm a danger to myself and others because I'm so frikkin emotional that any thing can set me off. Already my friendship with audy borders on extreme!obsessed! and that's only FRIENDS. Can you imagine if I like....fell in love in that way?

I'll just go crazy.
Like absolfrikkincrazy.

Thus I swear never to fall in love. NEVER.
*crossmyheartandhopetodie*
Even if I do, I won't do anything about it.
I refuse to hurt my friends or myself or the person that I love just because of my extremity.

I just won't let it happen.

-----------------

Got my passport doneth, going shopping tomorrow with Mom for my Papyrus paints and straws and canvas so I can build a proper crow-explosion-with-gory-bits. Papyrus paints ROCK. It's kinda like pre-made papermache with refitted textures. And best of all, it looks like hacked flesh! :D

Okay that was pretty gross of me I know~
ehehehehehee ^^;;;;

Dinner of Canadian pizza and green tea~ yummy na! Downloaded lit/econs lectures from COL@C, read through LDJ and part of P&C in hopes of question-spotting for econs. tsu bad! I knows~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:45 a.m.+

Does not make me a nicer person

Damnit.
Right now, I could wilfully strangle someone.

Break.

-------Fever---------(TatsxWat,YnoM)

Fever. That's what I'm having now.

There's no other explaination or answer, in the way my eyes trace your moving figure, the way my fingers itch to touch the cool silk of blonde hair and soft skin, the way I want to just throw you against my table, papers flying in disarray until you look -just so- utterly ravishable and beautifully messy in a way that is so unlike me.

Even as my teeth grind out the usual, "No, Watari. There is no way I am providing extra funding." While you chuckle with a half-smirk, as if you know that deep down in the secret recesses of my mind that if you offered a blow job I would've signed the grant in a second. I want to wipe it off your face, that knowing smirk. You know that I know that you know Fuck afterlife. My palms are sweaty and all I can think of is you you you. You gasping for air as you scream a senseless rendition of my name. You, sprawled naked on my table, my chair, my bed....I don't care. Just to shut that pouty lips and mouth with fevered kisses.

This delirium never seems to end.

But do I want it to end? What do I have to lose? Not life certainly, not death. What do I have to lose?

Do something

And I kiss you. The papers drop on the floor, a scattering sound of fluttering paper as your arms drop to the sides, your mouth is warm and soft and everything I've dreamed it to be, moist and hot and heavenly, so warm it matches the heat of my skin. Then your arms reach hesitantly to hold me and the fire that burns inside me explodes into warmth, melting the icyness of my cold and lonely heart.

This fever that burns that I never want to end.

------------------------

Maybe I'll turn it from fic to drabble.

Large amounts of Vertical Horizon makes me cry ;____;

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:35 p.m.+

Withdrawl

*shrinks*

Don't want to talk to people or try anymore
Feeling anti-social and unappreciated.
nya~nya~nyanko~na~
So people get caught up in their own lives all the time
I guess it's perfectly normal...whatever.
I'm watching TV instead, people take up too much emotional energy.

I'm NOT okay, okay?

General Paper exam was just hell.
It was a two-part hell which showed absolutely no mercy.

Part one was a crappy unsuitable essay because I wrote a crappy unsuitable answer to the crappy unsuitable question. Question: "Education can expand one's horizons as well as limit it. Discuss" Crappyness....*sighs* Urgh it was just so horrifyingly cliched and I meandered in the end to give a conclusion that rambled along the likes of "Singapre can finally reach the Age of Enlightment" or something like that.

A 5min break and we were shoved back into our storage cells.

The horror was at the comprehension paper. Why? Because both passages were dealing with deaths and funerals and I just couldn't take it. Not now, not ever. I'm not scared of dying, or fearful of it....it's just that the second passage hit me, struck a nerve. The commercialization of death, the denial that it exists is so prevalent today that.....I just can't help but remember someone I knew, who committed suicide and the parents and everyone just never talked about him at all and it just invoked all these memories.

Death gives life meaning, so true it hurts.
But to package everyone in the same coffin is to deny them the individuality that existed in their life, deny them that they deserve this last respect.

I hate this.
Everytime I read this kind of thing, I just wish that I could die faster.

So I'm not actively suicidal, but you can't deny that my fascination is problably because I dislike living more than nessescarily so.

And....when I thought about my friend and his courage to die, I just felt so helpless. What's that line? I'm too afraid to live, too afraid to die? And the worst was that no one ever acknowledged that yes, he died, yes he committed suicide. It was so hushed up it was almost like he never existed.

That hurt.
To know that the ones you hold close couldn't give that last goodbye.

I just felt so crappy after that, as if I just ran into a unforeseen emotional truck and ended up crashing. All sorts of funny thoughts just zooming in like mosquitos to blood. It didn't help that the air was stiflingly humid and sticky, as if a suffocating blanket had been cast over my senses and breathing heavy air in. Gunky disgusting hot and sticky.

Whatever.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 08:32 p.m.+

A bit of an entry

Listening to: Seishirou's song from Tsubasa OST 2

Waiiiiii~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lots and lots of things to talk about.
Most of it happy :D Isn't that good?
First off - the exams are starting, with General Paper beginning this Friday. Then subsequently Econs, CLB, Lit etc. etc....Apparently I'm sharing venues with ummm *koff* baobao for some papers. Waii~ I hope I don't get distracted loool. Not likely anyway, most exams I feel very nervous and horrible. I'm glad it's starting though, all this exam-talk with no action is making me feel constipated.

Converting baobao to an anime junkie. Yay! Corruption~ All my double-talking-self has made me decide something. I'll never love anyone as a lover, because it's dangerous to myself and my friends. I'll just be friends with everyone. I don't want to end up hurting other people for my crazyness. So...conclusion? Outs.

Lent him FFAC and planning to lend him GIS:Innocence and Lain and all the creepy stuff I own. LOOOL Maybe I should lend him Galaxy Angels for kicks. Was fun na~ Oh yeah, I'm offically addicted to the school's Chocolate Oreo milkshake. I drink so much of that stuff the aunty knows me by now looool~

Am absolutely besotted with Seishirou's song (Voices Sliently Sing) from Tsubasa Chronicles. It's sexy and has a chorus and it's by Yuki Kajuira~ and it has a slooooooooow sexy solo saxaphone. How can I not like it? And it's SEISHIROU-SAMA, idol of my life, epitome of masculinity and uber coolness. He could kill puppies and make it look sexy because of his utter coolness.

If you ask nicely, I'll upload it :D

Decided to give myself a break from thinking and....I'm inviting BOTH audy and sak for Quidam. It's not like I'm superich and have money to burn...but it's like, I don't know what will happen after next year or whether we will remain together forever so might as well make the most of it ne? Happiest memories for people.

Just to make sis happy, I got her something too! :D
*pinch cheek* shooo cutesss na~
Don't worry dear, you'll like it
Though now I have to think of something new for your christmas present *sighs*

I'm a biiiiig moneywaster >___> don't tell mom.

Anyway, GP tomorrow, life is trying to make new hells.

dreaming wings
lifts you higher and higher
fluttering beats of unreality

I hate GP.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:55 p.m.+

The Link List (Tactics yaoi fanart, Haruka x Kantarou)

I figured that people aren't really interested in my life, so I'm putting my *entire* list of links for Tactics doujins and illustrations which feature Haruka x Kantarou or Raikou x Kantarou. Before proceeding, please read OFP : online fanart protection

Shiroi
Featuring very VERY good painter-style artwork, mostly Haruka x Kantarou, the colouring reminds me a little of Loveless. Rating: PG-13. To view the gallery, please click "log" (second button from top) then "絵".

Lustral
Relatively good manga-ish colour pencil kind illust, the triangle links contain yaoi. Some of the links are broken though, problably due to bandwith. Rating: PG-13. To view gallery, enter by clicking "居残り" (look near the bottom of the banner) and "tactics"

Karuma
One of the BEST cel-galleries out there. All links working, the artwork is consistently good, featuring bright, clean and clear cel-art. Mainly Haruka x Kantarou, rating: PG-13. Links are in English.

Shinobi
Passable artwork, a bit childlike. The faces seem slightly disproportionate. Cel-style, rating: PG

Pastel time
Passable artwork, small collection. Airbrush technique, lots of hugging scenes, lol. It's mainly a fanfiction site. Rating: PG-13

ICE
Decent, if small, artwork. The sizes are small and the collection is small too. But the standard varies, some better, some worse. Cel-style mainly, with hints of airbrushing. Rating: PG-13

DEGTYAREV
Only one Kantarou fanart. However, the artwork is VERY VERY GOOD. That kind of superslick, supersparky, boyis.com style artwork. Features FF7 and other series as well. The single Tactics pic is here

Kureharu
Decent, sometimes better than average quality artwork. Lots of overlays over flat colour, much like the colouring in Paradaise Kiss or xXxholic. Quite large, worth a look. Some links are broken and contains some kissing and stuff. Rating: R

lilia.hacca
Featuring the an amazing style of fanart. It's not cel, it's not airbrush, it looks like those old old linotype prints. Looks like a cross between Alichino and Kiss. Very very worth it. The black/white/reds remind me a little of PaperEleven.

Great Pharmacy
Very flat colouring, average-ish artwork and disproportionate faces. However, it contains a Loveless gallery as well.

RETRY
I LOVE THIS SITE. Absolutely gorgeous artwork, so pretty it makes you want to cry. Done in watercolours and soft cel, very delicate, amazing to look at, superemely detailed and OMFG the colours!!!! They have this fantastic picture of them kissing too. It's so good it's crazy. However, the quality tends to be inconsistent. Rating: R

Cheekyrabi
Decent artwork, some above average. Features Loki as well, click "Detective and Tatician". Some really good stuff is the gorgeous coloured line art of Kantarou, which looks like Petshop of Horrors. Other notables include a slick CG-ed Raikou x Kantarou in a church. Rating: PG-13

Hoshikirara
Very blocky, almost innocent looking artwork. Very pretty and fluffy~ Lots of pinicking, looking at sky sort of thing. Sweet~ some links broken though. Rating: PG

LQCC
The one and ONLY Minamoto Raikou shrine I could find. Stacks and stacks of fanart of him, him with other people, him smirking etc etc....Decent, above average, cel-styled work with painterly influences. Rating: PG-13

RichMen
Average, though navigation is a hassle because the links tend to move about. Also, you have to enter this page with Japanese encoded or you can't read. After that, it's fairly easy.Rating: PG

Sparkle
Decent (though varying) fanart. Colours sharp, bright and clear. Cel-styled work, but particularly clean-coloured, problably because of the cool blues.

Blue chips
Cute, if shiny, artwork. Decent, though for me, they seem to have the same expression on every character. Has Loki, Suikoden 3 + 4 artwork as well. Not bad. Rating: PG

And last but not least...my absolute favourite gallery.......

+tactics+
This site is much much *muchly* love. Why?
-has good, consistent artwork.
-has passably good colouring.
-keeps proportion.
-contains both doujinshi and illustration.
-contains smut(!)
To reach the gallery, it's the third button from bottom left. To reach the R-18 gallery, click "tactics 裏(R18)" While the artwork isn't as spectacular as other sites, they have almost EVERYTHING you want from HarukaxKantarou fluff to RaikouxKantarou NCS. And they have it IN COLOUR.

<3<3<3

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:52 p.m.+

Pavlova

I hate examinations...
Why dost torture me so? *whimpers in pain*

Anyway my first paper is Friday, skipped art with James cos well I'm tired. I barely kept awake the whole of class and by the end of day, there was only a handful of students left, 7 people or less. It's boring and I want it to be over now now now so I can do other things.

Drinking lots of tea makes me happy ~ hyuuu~

Going to school tomorrow even though it's pointless now. The attendance rate is steadily dropping and I bet by Thursday, there'll be only 5 people in school or so. Friday being our first paper....

I think Mrs Sng doesn't just hate me anymore, she absolutely loathes me. As in Snape-esque loathing. And it doesn't help that my disinterest in academia is showing. It's not that I'm not interested, I just hate exams. They don't make me feel competitive or creative, they just make me feel remarkably bored with an attitude any typical housewife would be proud of. The "hurry up get over and done with" attitude. Sometimes I wish people will just leave me alone to study and poke and study and poke because I like studying, but I hate structured studying. My mind just doesn't work that way. You know those mindmap things? Well, our teachers try to make us do it and no one could understand mine ;____; apparently it's illogical to everyone else but myself.

Maybe I just need to go on a shopping spree. Like those girly mags call it..."retail therapy?" Nah. I'll just wait till Oct. The tickets haven't been confirmed though, I haven't had enough time to make the journey back and forth and I hope it won't get sold out. Most likely I'll go after CLB exam cos it's a short paper. But I should make it within time.....planning and such has benefits.

It's kinda funny how people seem to have a hate my planning skills. I don't get it. If I didn't plan, I'll never be able to get 1/2 the things done. And I won't be able to do all the nice things for people. Like flowers (what you think they dropped from mid air?) or cutesy toys or whatever I feel like giving people. In the end, it all boils down to planning. I don't just buy flowers from -anywhere- y'know? I buy flowers only from ShiKi, my favourite florist. If I'm giving away things, I get the best for other people. Tea from Braunluan, chocolates with your name on it.....that's why my sister and I create christmas lists MONTHS in advance so that we can get the right paper, the right gift and the right box for the right person.

Like last year, I searched like crazy for the perfect pink pajamas with bunny ears for sakky cos I know she'll like things like this. Or making Kyo-plushie (ARGHZ). That's planning still...

So why does everyone think planning is bad and spontaneous is always good? I like planning.

Damnit I want to go Greece. So pretty!!!!!!!<3

Sometimes Mr Fahy pisses me off. It's kinda love-hate thing. He's smart alright, but he has this misconception that I'm just as into as hammering as he is. BANG BANG BOOM BOOM - shock factor being his technique. I hate people yelling...just invokes bad memories y'know? I don't like it. It's aestheically indelicate. I'm not interesting in being big and bold, I prefer delicate swirls and flourishes. And somehow, he's gotten this idea in his head that I can read his mind. WTF? And I keep on getting it wrong because we're so different. (he's also gotten this idea that we're alike-ish) So he gets frustrated and I live in the terror that he'll call my name -again- in which I will answer wrongly and he'll go: "Oh I think you know the answer." with a smirkity smile.

Yeah right whatever.

I want to go Greece......the Aegean sea looks great.

Okay time to sleep~
*snuggles*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:44 a.m.+

Education system 101

For Zutto's benefit

Pre-school (aged 3 to 5)
School starts really young at SG. Aged 3, you wake up at 7.30am in the morning to go to school where you learn to read English and your mother tongue (in my case, Chinese). Then have a "morning break" about 9am, after which you practice writing and math (like counting and stuff). At 11am, you break for lunch, then have an afternoon nap for about an 1hr or so. After that the students are split up according to what their parents enrolled them for.

Say....your mom enrolled you for drama and ballet classes. So from 2pm to about 5pm, you'll practise speaking and ballet, then at 5pm, your parents pick you up and go home.

Most pre-schools are privately owned and have huge waiting lists (especially those well-known) Some pre-schools also offer tuition (no kidding!) at Kindergarden and Primary levels. The school fees can range from $400 a month to $1000 a month.

Kindergarden (aged 5 to 7)

If you're from a pre-school, you automatically move up to kindergarden in whatever insituite you're enrolled in. Private schools usually work the children harder. They have tuition classes where you start on basic sentance grammer i.e. "This is a black cat with fierce eyes" and teach rules of addition and subtraction.

In a goverment-school, you're enrolled at age 5 to start learning what the pre-schoolers learnt at age 3. School starts at 8am, you sing the national anthem, learn reading and writing, at 9am you have a break, arts and crafts lessons or whatever and you're home by 11am.

Government kindergardens (i.e PAP) cost much less, roughly $25 a month compared to private kindergardens.

Primary school (aged 7 to 12)

This is serious business. Some kindergardens are affilated with some primary school that's why the competition is so fierce. The first level of entrance is through a relative or alumnai (say, mother was a student here before). Next level of entrance is through residential areas. If you live 1km or less within the school, you have a higher chance of getting a place there (which is why some nutcases actually MOVE to a certain area to gaurentee their child's place). The last way to enter is through balloting.

Why are parents so crazy about this? It's because all Primary schools are ranked according to how well the students perform at the final exam (aged: 12). For instance, schools like Nanyang, Raffles and other "elite" schools are branded as the "best" (an American equlivant of grade school Ivy League). It doesn't help that the schools are usually affilated with Secondary schools; so if you pick the wrong one, your child's life is literally sent to hell.

Within the schools, there are the "elite" or the highly prestigious ones who hold examinations(!) before accepting students. Then there are the mission schools, usually with some religous connotations in them. (i.e St Micheal's Primary sch) Mission schools are allowed to hold masses and other activities inside them as part of their history. Most mission schools are also single-sex schools. Lastly, there's the goverment schools (unisex), which are basically hell on earth. It's not un-survivable, but has a higher tendency to make trouble.

School is done in shifts. In Primary 1,3 and 5, school starts at 1.30pm and ends at 6pm. In Primary 2,4 and 6, school starts at 7am and ends at 1pm. Usually, there's a 30min break in between before you hit back to classes. A school year consists of 2 semsters, which is equal to 4 terms. Term 1 starts on 2nd Jan up till 10 March where there is a break (one week holiday!) From end March till early May, we have our Midyear examinations (Term 2) before our June break (one month). School starts again in July(Term 3) up till September where we have ANOTHER term break (one week). Exams start from mid-September till October then we break for the Nov/Dec holidays.

The first major exam is at Primary 4 (aged 10). It is a national exam known as streaming. This exam is basically is sorting (or "streaming") process to sort out the smart from the stupid, the good from the bad...yada yada all that crap. EMI students (like phiryn) are considered the "creme de la creme" where they learn Higher Mother tongue and usually pushed harder to perform in exams. EM2 students are considered average, while EM3 students are stigmatised to be "stupid" (seriously this pisses me off). This exam is the the turning point for most parents, who send their kids to insane amounts of tuition because it's considered "cool" to have a child in EM1

The next major national exam is at Primary 6 (aged: 12) This is known as Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) Basically, this determines your future after complusory education. PSLE is graded from a scale of 300. Usually, English and Mother tongue make up 200, while Math and Science make up another 100. The reason why you need these grades so badly is because the better your results, the higher your chances of getting into a good Secondary school. And which Secondary school you go to has an adverse effect on whether you go Uni or not.

Secondary school (aged: 13 to 16)

There are many many secondary schools in Singapore, however, as usual, everyone wants to get into a "good" one (aka. prestegiously snobbish) Much like Primary schools, Secondary schools follow the same system. Remember the affilation thing in Primary schools which makes parents so desperate to get a place in a "good" one? The reason is that if you're affilated, you can get into an affilated secondary more easily.

Independant schools are schools privately funded with little or no ministry interferance, thus giving free-rein to curriculum. The school fees range from $1500 to $2500 a month. Independant schools are also usually single-sex, and everyone wants to go there (most, anyway). For instance, Raffles Insituite (RI) and Raffle's Girls (RGS) are considered to be the "future" of Singapore and have many extra stuff like meetings with minsters, higher chances of scholarships etc etc... To get in there, you need to get at LEAST 275/300 for PSLE (without affilates) or 250/300 with affilates.

Automous schools are semi-independants. Most automous schools are also mission schools anyway. These include IJ, ACS, Methodist etc etc. Most automous schools are also single-sex schools. Because we're less competitive than Independants, it actually is more fun to be in an automous school. (or maybe I'm just biased)The school fees range from $50 a month to $75 a month. Generally, this is where affilation comes in; without affilation, the entry aggregate is 230/300, with affilation it's 200(!)/300

Government secondary schools are unisex and everywhere. The reason why people don't like government schools is that the crime rate is 30% higher than an automous school and 50% higher than an independant. And it's public knowledge. You can see police cars patrolling there sometimes. It's not to say they're bad, but simply that it's more dangerous and prone to juvenile delinquency. Some people I know are from there, and they're decent people.

Secondary schools are all single-shifts. School starts at 7.15am in the morning till 1.45pm in the afternoon (there's a 30min break in between) after which you might have to stay back for your CCA (which ends about 5pm). CCA or Co-Ciriculum Activity, is basically a time-waster. You need a CCA record for your testimonials, that's why people spend so much time on them (I loved mine though). CCA can range from Chess Club to Track and Field to Astronomy Club or whatever. Different schools offer different CCAs too. Usually, there are days allocated to CCA i.e. Wednesday and Saturday. The school term follows the same calender as Primary schools.

The first major exam you sit for is "Streaming Part 2" at sec2 (aged: 14). When you first start out in Secondary school, you have about 13 subjects to do, ranging from Design and Technology to Literature to Elementary Math. "Streaming" here cuts your subjects down to 7 or 8, and helps you specialize in either Arts or Science. Each school has a different subject combination for each class, and sometimes there is a huge amount of competition to get into a class. For instance, my subject combination was: Elementary Math, Additional Math, English, Literature, Chinese, Physics/Chemistry, Social Studies/History. A "/" in the middle denotes a sub-paper, where you only need to learn half of the full syallabus.

At age 16, you take "O" level examinations aka. Ordinary Levels. (like Harry Potter) These examinations are not marked in SG, but rather, in Cambridge. Why is it so important? Because now, the competition has gone crazy. If you're planning to enter a Uni within 2 years, you have to get into Junior College (JC) and only 10% of the entire year can enter (roughly 700 students x 14 JCs). If you're interested in going to Poly (Polytechnic), you ALSO have to get good grades to get into the course you want. For instance, the Mass Commuications courses are always overbooked compared to say, Mechnical Engineering.

This examination is done in 2 waves. The first wave, or Prelims, is done by the school where they grade you and prepare you the best the can and try to question-spot the actual O level paper. The Prelim grade is important as it determines what is known as "First 3 months". Prelims usually come about in October, the actual O levels are in November.

How are O levels graded? SG follows the same marking system as UK, which is A1 (75+), A2(70-74), B3 (65-69), B4 (60-64), C5(55-59), C6(50-54), D7(45-49), E8(40-44), F9(30-39) and U(>30). O levels are counted as 1 language and 5 other subjects in which they take the best of the scores, for example:

English - B3
Elementary math - A2
Additional math - A2
Literature - C6
Chinese - A2
Physics - A1
Biology - B3

So you add up the best of 5 + 1 language:B3+A2+A2+B4+A1+B2 = 13

That's why the lower you get, the better.

Remember the thing about CCAs? Well, if you get a good CCA (school runner or national champion), they can deduct points off your score (at most 2). Also, JCs will headhunt you to join their school.

First 3 months thing

If you think about it logically, it's really stupid. Basically the school year starts in Janurary, but O level results only come out in March, so how? What JCs do is that they look at the student's Prelim results to grant early entry to school. This doesn't gaurentee you a place in school though, it simply means that you're be in a school for 3 months before the results come out. If you do better than the school grade, most problably you'll leave for a better school. If you did worse than the school cut-off point, then they'll kick you out. See? Stupid.

Junior Colleges(aged:17-18) and Polytechnics (17 +)

Basically, JCs (Junior Colleges) are the fast track into Unis. You study shit for 2 years, do one MAJOR final exam and get shipped off. 75% of all JC graduates make it to Uni (now you know why). There are many ways of getting into one, first is to be really smart and get 10 points or below. The next way is through Sports or CCA, all schools love national champions (i.e. ACJC has a policy that any athelete below 20 points is automatically granted a place there) The last way is through affilation. Remember the thing with Primary schools and Secondary schools? Well, certain secondary schools are affilated with JCs. It's like...if you pick the right primary school, you can almost gaurentee your child's education. For instance, Raffles' JC is affilated with Raffles' Insituite (male) and Raffle's Girls which is affilated with Raffles' Primary. See? Elevator schools!

JCs start school at 7.30am in the morning and end according to the subjects you're taking. For instance, Science students who have practicals usually go home about 4pm or so. There's also a larger emphasis on theoratical data and research, a lot of what we study is not applied, but theoractical. (some consider it as true math and science) There's a lot more mental workout involved because knowledge skills, not practical skills are involved. Most students take 3 or 4 A level subjects and 2 AO subjects. Our calender follows the primary sch/secondary sch calander.

The classes are different too. Most of our lectures are an hour long, and in the morning after which we have tutorials with our subject tutors. Within a day, we usually have 2 lectures, 4 follow-up tutorials and 2 AO tutorials. Most of our tuitorials are 1hr or 1.5hrs long.

After 2 years in a JC, you sit for A levels or Advanced Levels (like Harry Potter) If you want to go US, you take your A levels than SATs. It's the same system as O levels, but this time, your Prelim grades are counted in US unis.

Polytechnics are a different matter. First off, it's a lot slower and less garenteed than JCs. Most Poly students graduate with a diploma in whatever their specialty is. This usually takes about 3 or 4 years. Next is that most universities, don't know what to do with them. If you're looking to go Canada or US-based schools, forget it. They don't accept diplomas. The countries that recognise diplomas are Aust, UK and SG. And the entry rate of poly graduates to a SG uni is 15% of the entire cohort.

Poly however, has it's benefits.

First off, you don't need to wear a bloody school uniform. Next is that it offers a wider range of subjects than a JC as JCs are generally more academically based. Third is that since it's NOT so academically based, there's more practical skills involved. They don't need to learn on the principles of Mathematics, and they are graded not through exams, but coursework. They also follow a different calender, which is according to the course they are in.

They have lectures too, but I don't think they last over an hour. (do they? ask phiryn pls) And their timetable is even less fixed than ours.

So there you have it~ the entire school system from year one. *sighs* Joy.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:21 p.m.+

Temper temper!

Petit merdeux!!! *curses* You filthy *&^%%! of a c**ksucking @sswipe of the frikkin century may you and that ST00PID girlfriend of yours rot in hell forever.

I frikkin RAN OUT OF PAPER FOR MY EoM! *cries*
IT'S MY FRIKKIN A LEVEL project okay??!?!

I'M NEVER EVER EVER EVER going to let her use my comp again. You drink my ink and eat my paper and smile smile smile and WHAT YOU THINK THE WORLD IS JUST FOR YOU IS IT?!??!

It took me THREE frikkin hours to get it to 500 words.
Fookfookfookfrikkinfooker.

ARRRRGHHHHHHHHHUHHHHAHA

I'm swearing off couples who are 3-D
Look like I don't give a shit about who's dating who anymore
I'm a lonely sad depressive asshole I know so don't rub it in and STOP STEALING MY PAPER AND INK!!!!

*pissed*

I'm not frikkin refilling the damned printer just to let HER print her shit on it.

bloody damned hell
-tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:16 a.m.+

de Ocha no Dozo

Listening to: Portege Moi

I hate bugs. *disgust* Wahh! One of them fell through a hole in my shorts and it was so disgusting!!!

Today....
Genki, stoned, genki, stoned.

I'm just apathetic now, really. I don't really feel like studying or working hard even though my exams are .... 4 days away? I just can't seem to conjure up the energy to be scared or worried or anxious and that makes me wonder if it's like...okay to feel like that.

I'm more interested in how many ways I can look at the sun directly without burning my eyes, how many times I can sink into the rainyness of September, how many ways I can see the sea that I carry inside me.

And even though I've gotten my Uni applications, I'm so totally disinterested it's almost as if I've suddenly dived into another skin. This sinking tsu-not-avaliable-ness that is absolutely going to KILL my exam grades and all the hardwork I've put into my work the entire year.

And I'm just absolutely blase about it.
Though I'll problably regret it later.

Tried to look for my Battle Royale...ARGHHH Did I lend it to anyone??! I can't find my copy of Sin City either and my table is an ABSOLUTE MESS. Dusty and all sorts of things~ >____> Argh argh and here I was stupidly promising Gerant and Liang Bao and I totally forgot that my table is not the cleanest thing at the moment. Dear lord!

*dies*

It's just longing and longing for it to be over and quickly so I can go back to -real- life which consists of tea and sunlight and airy windows and gauze curtains. Or just hoping and wishing and dreaming that I'll just hurry up and get it over and done with (like married sex)

Supposed to do EoM and Written Report draft 2 by tonight but I'm just so......stoned that all I want to do is watch mindless television (Nigellia's boobs!) and read stupid books (Merde merde petit merdeux) and listen to crappy Europop (Trans-Siberian rulez!) or comtemplate on What Fic to Read Next, a life-changing decision that I'm sure will affect myself and the rest of humanity forever (kidding!)

So reluctant......

Sometimes I wonder if I tried hard enough, if I put enough effort, if I were to shut myself (as in en-soi).....Whether the world would be a better place or not. The world doesn't really need people like me; daydreamers with no place or time or sense, overly sensitive and emotionally fragile people who have the uncanny ability to hurt other people, especially the ones we love.

Anyway more concrete stuff. Decided on my final year project, which is the stupid 3hr long exam on Oct 6. The theme is EXACTLY the same now, being: Construction. I have half a mind to just chuck Audy's birthday present as my final exam piece considering it looks really good now that I've gotten that gear-thing fixed (re: tsu baka! it's the counter-clockwise movement!!!) But then decided that it was really horrible to like......double up even if it totally fits into the theme. LOOOL

So I've decided to make a huge mask. Not the kabuki masks or Noh masks (God how scary is that *shudder*) but the Venetian kind with feathers and gilt and lace and all that flightly pretty things (see a pattern? tsu loves all pretty things!) I'm not making a small face-sized one though. I'm making a huge A2 sized, chicken-wire stretched mask which I will stick on my A2 canvas and below, I'll paint a smoky face and overlay with lace. Or paint something else. Like birds. Or naked women. Or meat. Or something.

What I really what to make is a glass ferris wheel with sliver supports. Unfortunately, I don't have the skill to make it yet. *sighs*

Nevermind. ONE DAY I SWEAR.

I realized that cooking shows give you lots of yurameki cos it's a combination of texture, colour, taste, smell and presentation. Kinda like the way I scour the internet for pretty pictures. Thought: I use the word "pretty" a lot. I'm just addicted to beauty I guess. Doesn't matter whether it's good or evil or whatever....I'll love it as long as it's beautiful.

Planned everything for audy's birthday already. Funny thing is that it's almost as fun for me as for her. LOOOOL...Makes me wonder whether I'm that altruistic or not, or just simply finding an excuse to well, indulge in my overlyromantic sentiments which is spectacularly girly.

Yeah yeah....romantikkuu hajimeshou~

Sometimes I think that people want me to have a boyfriend so that I can devote all my energy to making that person happy instead of scattering all over the place like a hurricane with no direction. Ah! Wasted affections!

For some reason, a stupid thin book by Samuel Beckett "Company", makes me want to laugh and scream at the same time.

PS. Placebo's Protege Moi is offically my nostalgic angst song.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:52 p.m.+

Dreaming

Watched Quidam....t'was lovely...like crystals and snowflakes and lights dripping from ceiling and magic and dust and magician's smiles. Like the wings of angels'painted in rainbow with ventian masks of illusions and secrey that held a glimspe of life and truth and the myserters of the world. And you sink yourself into it, knowing for a few hours everything would make sense, even if you didn't know what the hell you were seeing.

Had dinner..nice. Went to Kino and got my tsubasa and some other books. Went home and sulked myself into oblivion.

Kinda dreamy today...
Forgot forgotten....audy's not coming....just wandered around.....built my crystalline glass. Grandparents came, and gone and dinner was so many people and chinese tea will always taste cool and bitter and refreshingly clean like distilling the essence of moutains.

I don't really care what I'm thinking right now.

Sometimes...nights like this it's almost as if I've finally stopped fighting inside myself, to keep on justifying intuition with logic, even if it sounded meaningless to me cos I just -know-, instinctively. But everything now is science-d and no one believes me anyway....

And it's nights like this I feel like I'm part of the sky, of the Earth, part of that life-rhythm that moves with a slow thump thump in that slow revolving sense and I...

I just have to stop myself from just sinking into the blue and gold and driftyness of it all.

It's like sinking into the embrace of everything - universe - in all it's complete, unconditional concern to all dreamers like me. Warm, soft and safe and -buffeting- you as you drift slowly along it.....like a soft hum that sounds like falling and falling deeper...

And the it knows - what it is like
Infinity stars heavens....all the same thing

Sometimes I just want to sink into it.....not worrying about people, worry about staying -here- and dealing with the pain of emotions and messyness and those kind of human things and hear and taste guilt...

Just wrap myself in this all consuming unconditional love

It's like when I'm sad, or angry with audy, sis or mom or whoever....I just don't fight back and sink into this blue warmth so kind it hurts to be in sometimes. To know you have to get out and live and fufill your life

but I guess it's worth it anyway
not to ditch this and just go back
right?

everything will be okay.....

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:58 a.m.+

Kafetheresu!~

Listening to: random English music

Let's see....YESTERDAY!:D

Yesterday
Missed school, regretted a little because I missed Jasmine Tan's lecture (sadness!) and felt a little guilty for not turning up for class mooncake party. *sighs*

Went to Aunty Iris's mooncake party which was FUN FUN FUN! Had mooncakes (chocolate mooncakes are the <3) and drank tea and hung lanterns and played with sparklers and had lots of fun playing Pictionary!~ (hah my team won!)

It's like all glowly and soft inside, lanterns. Like magicalness of creamy soft buttery yellow lanterns glowing in the darkness and seem so warm and safe and comforting. I like~

So happy ne!~ Pictionary was fun too!

Going to watch Quidam at 4pm, Cirque du Soliel is muchly love~

------------------------
[FFAC rant] contains spoilers

I'm a BIG ff7 fan and FFAC is both good and bad. The good is at 1:20 when Sephiroth jumps out and goes:"Sashiburi da ne, Cloud" (side note: OMGZ SEISHIROU SAYS THE SAME THING TO SYAORAN AND SUBARU!) and looks really cool with his trenchcoat billowing behind him and Masamune (toothpick!) thrusting into Cloud's shoulder as he says Seishirou-esque coolly sadistic fun things like:

"Will you give me the pleasure of taking away all that is important?"

"Let me give you this precious gift of despair."

"When did you become so powerful, Cloud?"

And his seiyuuu is sooooooo sexy! *squeesqueesquee* Toshiyuki Morikawa is teh LOVE!

And when he does the One-Wing thing (y'know the One-wing angel boss fight?) And the wing turns...BLACK! (like KH) and wraps around him before dissapating OMGZ ABSOLUTE COOLNESS!

What sucks:
-The aimless plot is drivel. Worse than most fanfiction.
-The aimless plot is basically 1 hr of Cloud angst.
-The fight scenes, while beautifully excuted is AMAZINGLY CORNY. Especially the fight with Shin-Bahamut where everyone gives Cloud a "leg-up" with all the "ganbatte" messages.
-I giggled because of sheer cornyness.
-THE FACT THAT EVERYONE LOOKED LIKE A JROCKER!!!
-Cloud looks like GACKT (from Vanilla PV)
-Tifa looks like a MORNING MUSUME GIRL/AYUMI
-Kadaj looks like SHINYA!!!!!! (DEG)

*exasperated*

Sqaure square square.....just WTF is wrong with you?!

Obsession with Gackt is it? It's like he's appearing in EVERY FF!

KZ, will assauge my panic with lots of Sephy x Cloud and Last Order (FF anime)

----------------
Tagged by Christine:

1. I like dragonfly motifs.
2. My fave shade is a blue charcoal grey.
3. I spent $114 on a comic before.
4. I love red camellias (akai tsubaki)
5. I'm addicted to obscure words. (ie. puissant) 6. That includes words in other languages (ie. Japanese)
7. I can watch 15 movies ++ a month.
8. The moon is my best friend~
9. I have a birthmark in a shape of a flower (5petals).
10. My teddy bear is 17 years old too~
11. I only started wearing black when I was 15.
12. I dress like a slob around the house.
13. I don't wear underwear around the house either.
14. I'm a wordplay fetishist (and corny too)
15. I hate being round (screw genetics) even though people say it's "curvy" (whatever shit)
16. Neurotic habit 101: I chew my nails, even though they're stained with thinner and oil paint.
17. I love origami, especially kusudama and modular.
18. I've known Mari and Natz since 8 and Audy, 12.
19. My first anime was Evangelion, aged 10.
20. That was around the same time I read my first NC-17 yaoi fic (Gundam Wing)

Tagging:
Audy
Aya
Sakky
Everyone on my Link List!:D
You behind the computer~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:55 p.m.+

For a lack of titles

----------fic drabble: haruka x kantarou (Tactics)-----

It had started with a kiss.
Just a kiss, that's what it took.

And when he thought more about it, he didn't understand why it affected him so him. The soft, slightly dry lips pressed against his so lightly rhat it felt like a leaf-kiss, a brush of wind. It wasn't even much more a kiss, just a press of lips, like a brush of skin against skin, so what so special about it?

But it felt good.

So even as his raised his fingers to brush his lips in wonderment, he watched as Kantarou smile a soft, secretive smile with bright eyes, mouthing against his ear the quietest: I'll tell you one day before disappearing into his rooms.

He shook his head, sighing.
He would never be able to understand humans.

--------fic drabble: Random----------

The windows to the world are wide and beautiful.

Laughing like sunshine and daisies, I see you, singing among the clouds with music warmer than touch. A song so sweet and so free, like a whistle meant just for you and I and the rest of the world, bright and merry like a bubbling spring of golden notes just falling and tumbling over each other in this melody that no one recognizes, soul melody that everyone knows.

And I can't help but smile-
The wind in your hair that is just so you-
You who will never stop holding my hand
I watch you, hands pressed against the glass with longing and fear and hope washing over me in mixed pain. So much, so much. I watch you as you sail pass me, drifts of a familar song quickening in my heart. I watch you, you who is far far above me, through the windows and beyond, through blue skies and rainstorms, through sunlight and the snows of yesterday.

Hands pressing against the glass
Sweaty palms and hopeful eyes
I watch you
will you be with me?

And the song sails me by.

The windows to the world are wide and beautiful.
I watch out from them, trapped and lost inside.
Darkness is mocking, darkness is laughing.
The song that sails me by.
Yet, no matter how many times, I watch you
And the song that sails me by.
Waiting for that one day when the sails pause; flapping
Your smile as you hold my hand, together, always
And together, we sing the tune so familar and peculiar
The song that no one knows but recognizes
Singing this bright and merry song together for the lost lost world.

[the windows are wide and beautiful]
[keep watching]

------fic drabble: In Ten Days' (maybe only cos I don't really like this style okay?)--------

It was black.

Black umbrellas with black velveted old ladies and black-tie men dabbing their false tears on white handkerchiefs, crying useless tears for the dead who only want a smile while living. I thought about him, smiling dreamily as he stared at the sky, which was always beautiful to him, despite the neon lights and gas fumes. The way he felt in my arms, warm and comforting, smelling of cinnimon and tea and bedsheets, of down pillows and feathers. And then he would tilt his head to the side, dusty chestnut hair falling across his face as his eyes held me and said I love you.......

From ashes to ashes...

Why did you have to leave me, Rapheal? The coffin is lonely and the grave is as cold as the bed I am sleeping on. I miss you. Can you hear me from where you are?

A hand touched my shoulder, reflextively, I shook it off.

"You okay?"

"Yea." as much as I would be after my lover died

"I'm Vincent." Hand poffered, so much like Rapheal's manner I nearly winced. A closer look proved different though. Rapheal had a sweetness, a dreamy angelic quality that seemed so much like his namesake. This man however, radiated nervous energy like a rabbit, twitching in his Jacquard plaids and well tailored clothes. He seemed more nervous than shy, high-strung with a thin sensitive face.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jeremy." Wary. Who was this man?

"Ah! That's nice." He said vaguely, staring at the coffin. "Rapheal and I were schoolmates." Wistfully, he smiled at me. "He was very kind to me."

The voices of Alieen
Alice swings from elusive trees
Falling tumbling into a haunted wonderland

"Yeah. He was kind." The past tense hurt at the back of my throat.

........dust to dust. By the power vested in me, my his soul rest in peace."

The coffin was lowered, slient and cold and warm in the wintry sun that he would have loved - "a clear day of light" he would have said, laughingly with sparkling eyes. So far, love. So far. Six feet deep and more. The dirt and dust that settles over your body, with only memory kisses and rememberance as ghosts. Windless yet chilly, I wrapped myself tighter.

protect me from what I want

To cry is to want you back. To see you again, in my arms slipping slowly away from pain to dreamless sleep...over and over again. No Be happy in the sky, Rapheal. One day I'll be with you again, I promise.

You would have liked your funeral.
But not the black.
[for another beautiful day]

A/N: Alieen and Vincent are charas from Alexiel's fic. I wrote in 10 days at the same time as her fic, I don't know whether the crossover thing is still on or not but ah well.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:17 p.m.+

Downhilling

[Insert rant on how cool FFAC and Seishirou is]

Don't feel like ranting today.

School is school..........I'm always amazed that people know me before I know them, even more amazed when they like me (despite being rude to them), but not very surprised when they start rumours (dear God again!!) and even less surprised when they start copying my lit notes.

I'm not a genius desu ne. I'm not a "goddess" either.
Why do they insist on making me something I'm not?

It's like......I dunno. I get shoved into the spotlight even when I don't want it. Does that make sense? And I don't really like the attention. Seriously, people pay too much attention to what I do. And I really don't get it. I do NOTHING. I'm not fascinatingly beautiful. I'm not peculiarly extroverted either. So why the attention (both good and bad)????

And sometimes....I just feel that I should just give up and escape into it. Does it make sense? It's like every single one of my (failed) relationships. They give me all the attention I want, even if I don't nessescarily like them. And sometimes I just feel so lost and neglected by the people I love that I just want to drown inside the sensations of a crowd. Like.....tsu-pathy registers this as a drowning pool of swirling magenta, alizarin crimson and gold. I just -sink- into it.

And then I feel really guilty for using them afterwards because I know the truth inside me is that I don't really care.

Is it almost....dirty?

Mind you, it's not like it's adoration or anything. It's just drowning in attention. It's so weird huh? The people I want will be there for me, but the people I don't care for, will always be there because I can charm almost anyone if I feel like it. So even if namelessperson1 leaves, there's always namelessperson2.

;___; I just feel so neglected.

And funnily enough, my results are better than ever. I scored a distinction for Art, GP and Lit, am passing Econs now so it's like.....

dunno.

Anyway tomorrow there's a mooncake party in school. To join or not to join hmnn? Most likely join. After all, enough people have told me to get a life na.......

------------

Watching Cirque du Soliel this Saturday~
My origami is building up prettily, the tracery looks amazing against the wagashi, pale pale lacy white against cloudy blue. Looks like 'jitsu outfits ne~

Kinda happy I did so well for Art, I think he likes me loool. Then again, that's not really new.

Need to buy stand-oil for glazing and curry tastes good desu ne~

Should sleep early
No one calls and no one cares anyway.

Love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:12 p.m.+

Meh.

Was soooooo sleepy in school today. *agonized look* I tried not to sleep during Econs but it's so bloody diffifult. I could -feel- my eyes shutting down >___> Then during Maths I went to the library to sleep and ended up freezing my arse off and hobbling towards the canteen to get something warm. *shivers* Samui na....~

Stayed back after school to help/tutor Graham his LongDays'Journey (LDJ) cos he didn't understand and was completely lost. I squished 4 lectures into 1 hr. w00t! Go tsu! *cheers self* They think I'm some sort of lit genius looool.....it's really weird na~~~~~~ I know I'm not but it's kinda nice to be special.

Loooollll... now you know I succumb to flattery.

Went to Art Friend and spent so much $$$ on paper -.-;;; Like $5 + $9.85 because I picked those light-diffusing kinda that allowed the tracery of the paper to show through (wah I so fussy) The guy at Art Friend was really nice though, he helped me cut my paper into PERFECT! squares of 21x21. Amazing right? ^-^

Went home and slept. Woke up JUST! for my sister's wonderfully delicious chicken curry that tasted like warm, rich, absolutely fufilling and mildy spicy. <3<3<3 I luff curry. Yummmmynesssss...

Exams starting next week (crap) so no fic-writing much till it's over.

PS. Phiphi, I'm busy on Saturday with Quidam so can I see you on Sunday instead? <3<3<3 x3 + *hugglesquish*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:52 p.m.+

Liquim

Listening to: TV

Mnnmmm...just came back from painting, and today was good/bad. The good was that I did manage to gain that lovely yellowbutter hue that seems shimmery and light. The bad was that I almost lost all my darks cos I was so obsessed with getting it light, that translucent shimmery moving feel. The background needs a few more layers over and I haven't started on the leaves at all (dear goodness).

Anyway I finally realized the secret of getting that shimmery layered effect. It's the glaze (I am such an ass) It's because when you add up the layers of coloured glaze, the light passes through the oil and refracts to give you that typical gallery-style painting. (I'm a fookin' idiot) THAT'S what gives you that lovely intense look. Not just blending (cos too much blending gives you mud), it's just layers and layers of coloured lacquer.

Now that I know what to do, it should be okay. Like all my darks I'll problably do a simple burnt sienna glaze, all the yellows a cadmium yellow tint, all the leaves a viridian layer and my background a cool raw sienna/violet hue.

School was okay. Good news: I GOT 38/50 FOR MY LITERATURE MOCK-EXAM!!!!! *squees* You know how amazing is that?????? It's a breakthrough! And I didn't even -finish- that bloody essay either. Cool na! I hope that I a 40/50. That's my goal *cough* But I think...even if I don't get it, I'll be happy because I know my essay skills improved from a pathetic 28 to 38 :D That's what matters doesn't it?

But I think Mrs Sng was really mean today...*sighs* She -really- hates me. Sad y'know?:(

Feeling kinda sleepy.....Mnmmmm ameretti icecream and pistachio cake....yummy ^^....now I'm just sleepy.

love
tsu