Wednesday, May 1, 2002
I can actually feel my brain disolving...
Do not think i'm kidding when I say this but yes, I can actually feel my brain disolving into nothing due to a severe lack of stimulation. I know how bad this must sound but I NEED to get back to school. I need to have knowledge filling my brain. I need to be challenged. I need to get out this fucking house! Gah! I'm going crazy in here! I'm going to attempt a translation for latin and hopefully I'll finish that and it'll be time to make the dinner and then my mum'll be home. There's only so many hours a day a person can sleep. There's only so many hours a day a sane person can watch tv. There's only so many hours a day where a person can just sit and read or sit and study. I have exhausted these hours. I must find new stimulus! I need some kind of real human interaction. I can't go on like this! I can feel all that grey matter diappearing, dying, disloving in a sea of boredom. This is no way to live. It's not living, it's barely surviving! AAAARRGH! calm....calm.....calm......ahem...
I'll try and regain what little composure I have left and do that latin paper I mentioned. They're supposed to take 45 minutes so I should be finished just in time to make dinner. Geri, you see why i wanted to talk to you? If I haven't slit my wrists by tomorrow I'll definately be in school! x
04:18 p.m.
Wednesday, May 1, 2002
I blame the penguin....
I'm at home...again. I felt like shit this morning so I stayed in bed. My mum was actually pleased at this - she didn't think i was well enough to go back and catch more germs just yet. I have to go in tomorrow to get a few thingd sorted out for my art exam on friday. I already have my pallet set up, I just need to hand in the painting I want to use and have all my brushes sitting in the room. But...think happy thoughts....only a fortnight to my birthday. Only a fornight to my french exam (I'm listening to one of my french tapes just now) but that means I'm exactly half way through my exams. The hardest ones are right at the end - biology, history and graphics. I need to go just now but I'll be back later to babble a little more if i have time. x
01:39 p.m.
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
I decided to post it just now...
This is the e-mail I got:
It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or
mild.
Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the
sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the
members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be
very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
11:04 a.m.
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
me still no well
I tried to post something last night but my computer was playing up so it's not done. It was something I'd gotten in an e-mail that I thought was really funny. I'll try again tonight. I'm at home right now. I went to the doctors yesterday and got an anti-biotic. Doubt if it'll work but I suppose I'll need to wait and see. He said to take the day off school - get a bit of rest... I'll be back in tomorrow, no chance I'm staying off another day. I woke up hours ago but have just sat in the living room watching really bad morning tv that I'm usually lucky enough to miss. I'm going to go for a shower or at least just wash my hair - hopefully that'll make me feel a bit more human. Then, I have all the good intentions of studying and doing work for the rest of the day. But that's after I blow up and hang balloons. It's my mums birthday today so I want to give her a bit of a surprise when she gets in from work. I got her a ring and a cute little teddy. I think she's going to spend the whole day at work showing off the ring. She deserves it. Right now, I'm going to blow my nose for the millionth time this morning. Have a good day! x
10:55 a.m.
Monday, April 29, 2002
Well.....
Last night my mum said that if I wasn't well enough to go to or stay in school today then I was going to the doctors. I was sent home at about 11am and I have an appointment at the docs at 3.45pm. I sat my maths prelim just before I left. I think i failed. I have work I should be doing for tomorrow but i can't concentrate. Damn. Must study. Have exam on friday. Then one on tuesday, then thursday, then friday and so on and so forth. I need to blow my nose but I used all the tissues I have up here. Will ahve to go back downstairs. Gawd i can't think straight. my apologies for any major mistakes in this post or the last. x (sniffle sniff sniff)
01:50 p.m.
Sunday, April 28, 2002
I'm not well - give me sypathy.
I'm not well! My throat is raw and burning, my nose is running as if I sneeze once more I may blow my head off. My mind is all fuzy. My ears ache too but that's probably steming from the blocked nose and sinuses. This is all very well and good in the middle of winter but not less than a weeks before my first exam. No siree bob. I spent two hours today doing what should be a 45minute latin paper then crunched it up and threw it in the bin because it was utter shit. I was sick earlier. This is a major thing because I am never physically sick. I did manage to do a bit of studying today though. History and Biology. School subjects are now getting capital letters because the impending doom is making them increasing important. Gawd I'm ill.
I'm listening to the music channels just now and on Q they have a mix of Christina Aguilera's 'Gene in a Bottle' and the Strokes 'a song I can't remember the name of'. 'T is very entertaining. It's really well done. They have the videos edited together too. I'm on Magic now and it's Elton John. I only found out last night that his real name in Reg Dwight. I was watching an old episode of The Vicar of Dibly. Okay, bored of that now. On MTV2 they have Rock cribs on. It's Ozzy Ozborne. Jesus cChrist his daughter looks scary.. He's not even on it. It was his wife and daughter. Laziness. Now it's Moby. I'm sure you're all thrilled to be reading this. i'm going to shut up now 'cause my head is getting too fuzy. I'm also putting a 'd' at ends of words that shouldn't be there. That's very worrying. Anyone out there have a good cold remedy? BLAH.....
08:01 p.m.
Saturday, April 27, 2002
Good morning!
It's morning and I'm up! I'm typing! Something is wrong.....
Actually, for once, everthing is okay. Amazing isn't it? And it's saturday! I was beginging to forget saturday existed before 10am. I'm going shopping early today with Lisa - meeting her at 9.30 am so I'm up just now so I have plenty of time to get ready and bugger about the house as usual before I go out. We're not goign up to Glasgow or anything like that. We're just staying around here but we both plan to be back in our houses by 1pm at the latest. She has stuff to do (date tonight) and so do I (study tonight - whose life would you rather have? hmmm...I wonder!). So, I'm sitting here eating my sugar puffs getting hyped on all that sugary goodness. (must have blue smarties and sunnyd.) The woman on the radio is talking about Ben Nevis but is saying it Bin Neevis. Very annoying. Man I'm awake. I'm never this awake until about noonish.
Did I mention I got my exam timetable out yesterday? I don't think i did. I think Iw as too pissed off at the world. I still am. There's now round 19 dead after that shooting in Germany. I only found out late last night that it's very near where my uncle stays. But I'm not going to get all depressed and pissed off about something I have no control over. I got my exam timetable out. I got it ages ago off the internet but some of the times have changed sso that people can still get school buses going home. A few of my exams didn't end until somewhere between 3.45 and 4.05pm but the buses leave at 3.40 or thereabouts. Quite good. But it means they have to start earlier so I now have 5 exans that start at 9am instead of just 3.
It's 10 to 8 now so I suppose I'd better got moving, ie. to the shower. i need to get a wee something for my mum's birthday - I already got her a ring. Need other stuff too much I only have about £8. This is very good concidering the ring was £25. When do I ever have that kind of money? I might be going to the cinema with my cousin this afternoon but I doubt it - severe lack of funds will force me into studying. I'll be back to babble more later. x
07:55 a.m.
Friday, April 26, 2002
Why would anyone chose to bring a child into this world?
Tis godforsaken world is getting worse with every passing second. I am no longer going to watch or listen to the news. I am no longer going to read newspapers. They'll only strengthen my belief that people are evil and god is cruel. We are evil. As a whole, we are evil. That is the only word I can think of but it doesn't really go far enough. Incase you haven't heard (you 'lucky' person - finding bliss in ignorance) in a school in germany, a student murdered 14 of the teachers and two pupils before shooting himself. I find that not only disturbing but cowardly. We live in a perverted world where figures of supposed authority have none; where the police are so incompetent 13 year old girls can go missing for months, murderers go unfound for years; a world where even those guilty who are arrested can be released to walk the streets freely due to insufficient evidence; a world where sports and the lives of the 'famous' take precedent over world crisis - poverty, starvation, unemployment, homelessnss, AIDS, terrorism, addiction...the list is endless. If I didn't believe in some kind of god - cruel as they may be - I would have slit my wrists a long time ago. God knows I've had enough opportunity and enough reason to. Fuck. Have you ever noticed how that little four letter word can sum everything up when there are truely no other words? Fuck.
ps. Koeos (spelling - my apologies), thank you for signing the guestbook. I've never seen that film but I think I'll have to now! Being 16 isn't all it's cracked up to be. I think signing guestbooks should be made compulsary for anyone who hasn't signed it before. I'll need to work on that....
06:35 p.m.
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Rain
It's raining outside just now after it was such a lovely sunny, yet cold, day. I quite like the rain. Better than a lot of things happening just now. "there's no such thing as bad weather, only the wrong clothes. Get yourself a fuckin' raincoat!" - Billy Connelly. I thought that was hilarious when I heard it. It's only funny because it's so true. It seems so pointless when people in scotland moan about it being so wet or so cold. You'd think they realise that summer only lasts about half an hour here. It's usually when you're in the shower. Or in a classroom. Or at work. A combination of the three perhaps. Working in the shower at school. Aye.....
Had The Drunkard again today for french. I can't find the word for drunkard in my little dictionary. must check the big Oxford one. Meanwhile...a great song just came on the radio. It's called Lazy. 'T is me favourite song of the moment. Ivrogne. Le Ivrogne. Is that right? It sounds good anyway. You really need to say it ina perverse porn star french accent as opposed to a normal french accent. What can I say....I'm easily entertained. Another song I love just came on. Not sure who it is. Think it's Haven. I really want their cd. Maybe someone will get me it for my birthday (hint hint). Doubt if any of 'that lot' will remember, apart from Geri that is. SHIT! It's 10 past eight! I'm supposed to tape Buffy for Geri! It started at 8! Oh fuck. Oh well. Taping now. I love that show. That and Angel. I have latin to do too. Shit! Okay....I have so much more to say tonight but I can't. Bye! x
07:53 p.m.
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
Texting..1..2..3..texting..
I've just spent the past 15 minutes sending text messages to people. I should get a job as a speed texter. My thumbs are extra agile! What a load of shit......
The reason for this meaningless rant? There isn't one. 'T is meaningless. But anyway...It just took me three messages to tell someone about what happened at lunch today. (It was really funny but you'd have to know us to get it. Being there would have helped too so I won't tell you). Three messages! Not that I'm a total cheapskate but that's 30p. My 30p! I should have just phoned her, but I can't be bothered talking. Opening my mouth right now just seems like too much of an effort! Anyone else ever feel like that or is just me being weird again? Latter, I suppose.
Ach...bollocks! I have homework. (quel suprise) french, maths, history, latin...no wait....no maths....did that at supported study. But I still have to study for the test we're getting tomorrow. Bah humbug. Bollocks. If you haven't noticed - bollocks is one one of my new favourite words for such circumstances. What the hell has happened to my typing tonight? I can't! I keep hitting the wrong keys. R instead of T, H instead of G, V instead of F! Vuck! I don't remember how to spell any more either by the looks of it. I've never hit the delete key so much in 10 minutes as I have in the last 10. Gah! Lets just hope I can still write for all this damned homework. On the other hand...let's not....
I'm waiting for someone to text me back but they haven't yet. Oh well, I said what I had to. I'm in that kind of mood today. It's purely a menstrual thing - it should be over soon. Should was the key word in that sentence. I feel like jumping out my window right now. Not sure why. Just do. I need to get up and jump about -do something! I fear I may go mad any day now. I fear I already have but am too far gone to notice. Probably the latter again. Still no text back. I have nothing else to say right now. But I'm going to keep talking for the sake of it. Procrastination is a wonderful thing. But I shouldn't anymore. I won't. I'm going. That's me. Not writing anymore. Not a work. Oops...Freudian slip me fears. Really, this time, I'm going. x
07:25 p.m.
Monday, April 22, 2002
School. Is there any point?
Please bear in mind that I'm not really complaining about this, but it does seem pretty outrageous.....
History 6th period started at 2.35pm or something very close to that. So, at 20 to I meander into the classroom to find the teacher working away like the drone that he is. I sit down in my seat, get my folder out my bag, check i did my homework, find a pen and turn round to talk to Lisa and Suzanne. As usual. We were talking for ages and I didn't notice how long ages actually was until Carol asked me the time. 3pm says me. I realised we'd all been sitting at our desks, chatting away, for at leat 15 minutes without the teacher even acknowledging our existance. Okay, so the man is getting on a bit and the only reason I like having hima as a teacher is because on most topics he is the best primary source we're going to get. But at 20 past, he gets up from his desk and starts handing out jotters he had been correcting. With 10 minutes left of the period he starts going over the work. Two minutes before the bell, he gives us questions to do, tells us to start them then and finish them for homework. A fortnight before the exams, that is not was I want to be doing in class I'm sitting 2 of 24 papers for. (I got 15/15 for the homework questions - yay me!)
Right now I'm trying to do maths. Okay...the diagram shows the points of a helicopter base and two oil rigs, Delta and Gamma. From the helicopter base, the oil rig Delta is 35 km......snore......zzzzzzzz........Gamma......bearing.....125........calculate distance.....not use scale drawing.....ouch! I fell asleep and hit my head of the desk! I really don't like maths. Probably because it's my worst subject. Probably because I sit beside the guy I fancy and haven't been able to concentrate all year. Goddamnit!
I was at a biology supported study after school and at the end, when everyone had left, I asked the teacher (she's very nice) about the higher human biology course I signed myself up for next year. She said it was lot of work and very interesting - it's just very ahrd to find the time to be interested. She also told me not to talk to any 5th or 6th years about it - they'd probably put me off! She gave me the textbook to look at and it seems good. I like all that stuff so it should be not bad. Seriously concidering dropping down to Int 2 maths. Don't think I could cope with 5 highers. As the guidance teacher told me when I finished filling out the options sheet: "That's you just signed away your social life". Oh deep deep joy and/or rapture. That's enough about school.
I'm listening to the City of Angels soundtrack - it's all calm and relaxing at the end beacause it's all orchestra music. I love it! Think I'll put on System next. No change there then! I'd really better go. I have too much to be doing to sit here blabbering away. I've been here, in front of my computer screen, typing on and off for the past 20 minutes. I probabaly could have done maths in that time. Okay, this time I'm go -
07:53p.m.
Saturday, April 20, 2002
Why did I go last night again?
I'm trying to think of the reasons I had for going to MT's last night and I'm drawing a blank. I wish I hadn't went. What a shit night. I just wasn't in the party mood. This wasn't helped by the bitching and slagging of/by a certain person. Gah. I suppose it wasn't all bad. There was.....no.....well there was always..erm.....nah.....what about......nope! Nothing I can think of right now. I wasn't in the best of moods. Thsi was not helped by the fact that the last time I stayed at MT's at this time of year, my dad died. I wasn't even at home. I was there. I hate myself for that. I should have stayed at home. I should have stayed at home last night too. I couldn't get my mind off that. Then there's alcohol. When you're ina good mood, it makes you happier and helps you loose all your inhibitions. On the other hand, when you're down, it only digs you deeper. Wonderful stuff so it is. I didn't have much to drink. Practically nothing - one bottle of smirnoff ice. But I'd taken a couple of paracetamol before I left the house and hadn't really eaten that day, or the day before. These are things I only remembered about after I had downed the bottle. Joy. Rapture. Ahem.
I have a cappuccinoflavour lolly in my mouth right now. It's very good and it's making things seem much better. I love how even thre faintest taste of coffee has that effect on me. Must stock up on these lollies for the exams! I'm listening to the Smashing Pumpkins - still! I love this cd so much. I think I'll go do my maths homework. Either that or the latin papers I promised myself I'd do yesterday but still haven't. Or both. Option 3 would be the best but that's just not going to happen unless 'god' decides I have been pious enough (ha!) and grants me a miracle. If I'm going to get all that done and browse through all my uaual dailies, I'd better stop typing and get on with it! x
07:20 p.m.
Friday, April 19, 2002
No school for me today!
That's right folks. 2 weeks before the exams and i'm forced to take a day off school due to a stomach upset/mild food-poisoning. Great fun. Ahem... I've done no studying even though I promised myself I would. I've slept most of the day. Went to see my mum at work and just got back a few minutes ago. I'm going to MT's tonight 'cause it's her birthday. Just as well I'm feeling a lot better now or I wouldn't have been able to go. Should be fun if no one falls out/ starts arguing and bitching as 15/16 year old girls tend to do.
I said I's explain history the last time I posted but I wasn't on at all last night so...
We're studying Scotland and the rest of britain from about 1890 to the present day and the bit we were focusing on last week was the shipbuilding industry. To make it 'more interesting' the teacher put us into 4 groups of 5 and we were told which shipyard we were to be. We were then to compete for a grant/order. Only one shipyard would be able to stay open - the one that got the grant. What can I say...my group would all be 'signing on' right about now! We lost. But we already had a Grant. (it's a pun. Get it?)
Seemingly I didn't miss anything big in school today. Just notes in Bio and a talk on STIs in RE. I'm heartbroken. Anyway.....Going to to a translation paper for latin then get all my stuff sorted. I'll go for a quick shower too. That's me for tonight! xx
04:25 p.m.
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Notice anything different?
I was bored (and procrastinating) so I decided to mess about with the layout! I like this. Plain, simple. Hmm.... It's based on a past site's layout and if the person who designed it for me sees this, he probably won't be too chuffed. I don't care! I altered it quite a bit. Think it looks okay. No picture at the top required although I would still like to know for the sake of the other blog. I'm all chuffed with myself. Not so much for this, but for getting into the past page's html shit. Today has been a good day. Apart from french. Would you like to hear about french? Here goes:
Drunkard is the word Natalie used to describe him and I think it really hits the nail on the head. Our usual teacher is off sick and he was a damned good teacher! Something I only realised when we started getting shit 'teachers' right before the exams. I've learned nothing and I swear I'm starting to forget stuff I knew before! So, hence forth, I'm on strike in that class. I'll just try to study/ learn it at home. Easy as that. Ahem.
I have a Latin prelim tomorrow period2 that I really need to study for. I also need to check/send e-mail. Also talking to geraldine. I am a multi-skilled worker. Now there's a laugh. Would tell you about the history thing that happened today but I have no time and we won't find out for sure who wins until tomorrow so I'll explain all then! I know who'll win. Not my group. 'Til tomorrow! Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow! (sorrow=tristis/tristis=sorrow geddit?) Anyway....bye! x
Oh yeah - listening to Smashing Pumpkins greatest hits cd. I haven't listened to them in ages, I wss starting to forget how good they were! "tonight, tonight, it's all right. tonight, tonight, we'll crucify the......"
08:20 p.m.
Monday, April 15, 2002
I'm going to whine and moan now...
I want a picture at the top of this damned thing but I don't know how. If anyone would care to tell me how...leave a message in the guestbook or go onto the other blog and click on the 'e-mail me!' link. (the first one not the second one if you want a reply in the next 10 years!) Just please - someone tell me how the hell to get a pic at the top! ta!
Big plans for my birthday! The saturday after my birthday I'm having a family dinner/ let's get pissed thing at my house. That'll be fun. No joke. It will. Then, after the exams, I'm going to have all my friends round here for the night. My mum promised to clear off for the night, but that'll be after she's bought some wine and beer for us! Wayhay! There will also be money left for to phone out for some kind of food. As long as there's no major arguements, everything should be great! I'm so chuffed I know what I'm doing now. Scary thought: 3 weeks tomorrow till the exams start. That's not including the art exam - that was 3 weeks last friday! gah! I think I'd better go study!
05:13 p.m.
Friday, April 12, 2002
General ramblings... (third time's a charm!)
Oh my gawd my legs are killing me! From mid-thigh right down to my ankles - total dead weight. Dancing in PE today. Lots of time spent up. Lots of time spent down. Lots of time spent in between. Gah. Even my arms are tired now! There is no hope in hell that I'm getting enough sleep so maybe that adds to the tiredness of limbs. From the shoulders up I'm wholly awake and responsive. From the shoulders down, don't even try. Gah.
Neither my mum nor myself can be bothered cooking so we phoned one of the many take-away Indian places around here and are now waiting on our food being delivered. My tummy is rumbling. I miss my dad. I really need to eat something soon. If I don't, I might just faint at any given second. I had soup at lunch but that was at 1pm. I have no idea what I'm typing. This is just a rambled stream of consciousness that probably makes no sense at all so I'm going to stop it now.
There we go....I had a graphics credit past paper to do last night and I was fully intending to study for the goddamned subject. But then I discovered Speed was on. I spent the majority of the evening/night studying Keanu Reeves instead. Mmmmm.......Keanu.....(must watch matrix again)... I have loads of homework I could be spending this time more productively doing but I just cannot be bothered. Four weeks before exams and I cannot be bothered. I have worked my ass off for the past 3 and 3/4 years and believe I deserve to be handed 8 credit 1 passes right now. But that's just not going to happen. So I shall continue to work my ass off for how ever long it takes for me to get the best damned marks I can. I now have all my exam dates and times thanks to geri and the internet. What wonderful things they are.
My birthday is in 4 weeks and 5 days. I will be 16 years of age. I will be sitting my French exam. Bah humbug. Due to me being in credit classes, most of my exams don't start until 10am. At least I'm going to get a bit of a lie in. These exams are going to drive me demented - that is assuming that they haven't already and I'm just too far gont to notice. That sounds about right. MT's birthday is next wednesday and she'll be 16 too. We're all (5 of us) are chipping in to get ehr a present. So far she has no clue as to what it is. Teehee! I know she'll like it. I didn't come up with the idea, but I know she'll like it. My mum's bithday is coming up too. Right at the end of the month! Gah! Need money! je besoin d'argent. That's the extent of my knowledge of the french language. Oooh! Food's arrived! Mmm...smells good! Me go eat now!
This is the third time I've done this! I logged in as the wrong user and so this was posted on the wrong page. No harm done I suppose. Apart fro me feeling like such a dumbass!
06:48 p.m.
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
The new fashion statement
The newest must-have fashion accessories seem to be baby bumps and buggies. Around here they do anyway. As you read this (if anyone reads this) please bear in mind that I'm only 15 and so most of the people mentioned are around the same age - a year/ a few months either side. There are two girls that I know of in my year at school who are pregnant. One of these is really no more than a rumour whereas the other is for certain. Those aren't the only ones: there's a girl who I went to nursery with who now has a two year old son, I know girls that have had miscarriages and abortions, I know girls who've had to take pregnancy tests just in case and while waiting for the result, ponder who could be the father. Am I the only virgin left around here? Five weeks before exams and these girls have the extra added worry of bringing up a child when they themselves are barely out of their own childhoods. Gah. I couldn't handle having a baby. Not yet. Not until I'm ready. Not until I have a career, an education! I couldn't grow up that fast. I suppose I could if I was put in that situation. I just wouldn't want to. And then there's the whole subject of rape (if she's only 15 but he's over 16). Just don't get me started on that.
As usual, I don't have the time to be writing this. I have maths work to be doing not to mention studying for my latin prelim. I only have until second period tomorrow to revise the entire course. (I have no time to be off having babies even if I did want to!) Five weeks today till my birthday! Five weeks today till the french exam! ahem......
Suppose I'd better go. Mini argh. I know pwople must be reading this 'cause the sitemeter thingy keeps going up so, would you please sign the goddamned guestbook! I think it should be made to sign the guestbook of every new site/every old site you visit that has one. I really have to go now! x
05:43 p.m.
Monday, April 8, 2002
Was that a holiday?
The easter holidays flew by at an extrememly unfair rate. I was pondering this on the bus into school this morning - why time flies when your having fun vs why time comes to a stand still when you're bored out your skull (eg. In history today when the teacher shouted at me for no good reason - pigheaded bastard!). The again, days at school always seem to hurry past even though there are a few classes that seem to drag on for well over their designated 53 minutes. This near to the Standard Grade exams, this lack of time/exteme of time flyage, is becoming increasingly worrying. Anyone out there agree?
One of my friends has a birthday coming up soon and I have no clue what to get her. She's very athletic and not really into make-up, clothes and perfume. If she was I'd know what to get her. She has three brothers so I think a lot of it stems from that. I might get her a cd, I know what kind of music she's into. That or I could ask a couple of people if they want to get her something bigger eg. all of us chipping in for a football strip/ shirt. I know she'd like that. Suggestions on a postcard please! (or leave an idea in the guestbook)
This was supposed to be a very short entry because I'm only supposed to be on the internet for 15 minutes 'cause I'm meant to go get the dinner ready. So far, 10 minutes has gone and in feels like seconds - verifying my previous theory. Also adds into the whole working hard/busyness makes time go by faster eg. school. I still have a few of my dailies to check out so I'll go do that in a sec. If you want to know what my usual visits are then go check out my other blog - they're all linked at the side! SIGN THE GUESTBOOK! xx
05:59 p.m.
Saturday, April 6, 2002
I think I'm feeling better....?
I think I'm feeling better. Better than I was the last time I posted anyway. Things seem much clearer now. I've also been up to mischeif which always helps. What's been happening in the past couple of days for this major allteration in mood I hear you ask. Well, I went to see Ice Age last Wednesday after going to a bio supported study (during the easter hols - gah!) and before I posted. On thursday I went to bio again in the morning then Geri and myself met up with Lisa and we took her two weee cousins out for the afternoon. So much fun. Two year olds have way too much energy, but we managed to keep up! Yesterday I went on a mimi shopping spree with Geri. I got a gorgeoud top out of Mango, three books ( The little book of feng shite; the little book of abuse; The Amber Spyglass - Philip Pullman) and a pair of trousers that were only £5! Huge bargain and I really like them! Bonus! Stayed at Geri's last night (watched American Pie 2, ate too much, didn't get to sleep till about 4am - the usual). We were on the internet and I was going to come and babble for a while but I couldn't remember my password! Turns out I got the first 4 digits right and the last two wrong. Oh well....I'm here now!
I don't feel like exploding/imploding like I thought I would by now. I feel calm. Peaceful. That's the good thing about someone being buried rather than cremated (people -please look for the up side in this, it's damned hard, but try!), you always have that place you can go back to. I'm going to the cemetery with my mum tomorrow, I think my aunt joan is coming too. I'd rather not, but for my mum's sake - I'm going. I know she'd prefer it if I were there. I don't want to, but I suppose in some ways it makes sense. I have this whole twosted theory in my head, that I'm not going to even try to explain, that's helping me, crazt and fucked up as it is. Whatever works, huh? It doesn't seem like a year since he died. I wholly expect to come from in from school on a wednesday afternoon to find him working in the garden. But he's not. I miss having my dad. I miss saying the word dad! I miss the way he smelled, the way he talked, the way he would always watch dumbass shows like Star Treck every night. I miss him. But I wouldn't want him back. Not the way he was. Now with everything still wrong with him. Not with all the pain he was in.
My mum wants me to go do the dishes so I suppose I'd better go. Big smiles.....ahem.......
07:58 p.m.
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
Sisters
I have one and she phoned last night. I was in bed already but my mum was talking to her. Seemingly, most of the conversation was about me. General things how am I, what have I been up to, how is school, do I hate her, has she blown every chance she had with me? The first three are easy - same as always. The last two are more complicated. I don't want to go into too much detail about our circumstances but a little background knowledge is required.
When most people are striving to keep up with and, if possible, better the standards and examples set by their older siblings, I constanly feel the need to make up for them. Their mistakes, their downfalls, everything wrong about them, everything that's made my mum cry over the years. I have to make up for it. I have to be the best, I have to do well, I have to be well behaved, I have to be trustworthy, I have to succeed, I have to be strong, I have to be perfect. Not only do I have to do this for myself, but for two others. Her especially. The last time we had any kind of contact was a few days under a year ago. At my dad's, our dad's, funeral.
I used to adore her. I used to think she was perfect, wonderful. There's a big age gap between us - eleven years. I used to look up to her. Look at her in awe. I loved her. But there's been too many broken promises. Too many missed oportunities. Too many tears. I'm adding to them now. The situation is not simple in the least. Very complicated and hard to get your head around. I doubt if anyone would want to. It's been a year with absolutley nothing. It's not the first time. She has a tendancy to just drop in and out of our lives as she pleases. One day she's going to be hit hard when she falls. The door won't be open. Not if it's mine anyway. I know it sounds harsh, but you don't know what it's like. No-one ever does, not in any situation. Everything is different for every person.
She said she's been by the house a few times. Parked her car down the road and walked up to the house, stopped at the door and couldn't come in. I don't know what I would have done if she had. I don't know what I would have said. If I would have said anything at all. It wouldn't have been appreciated if she had. Not by me anyway. She can be so selfish, so self-seeking. Jealous. I suppose I can understand why. Sort of. It's hard to love someone who constantly breaks your heart, shatters your dreams, turns you life upside down on a regular basis. She said she's off everyhting. But that's not a first. She said she's sorted herself out. I doubt if that'll be the last time. I hope it is.
Underneath it all, when you scratch, claw, dig far below the surface, I still love her. I don't know why. I shouldn't. Every part of my being is telling me to block her out. Don't ley her in. Not again. Not ever again. I have an aversion to pain, but somehow, she breaks through it. That means I need to build more walls. Strengthen the defences. Man the barracks. Build more walls. More walls. Keep on building more until eventually, she can't break through them any more. I need to be safe, locked away behind all my walls, in a place where ahe can't hrt me anymore. In a place where she can't make me cry. I've cried too much for too many reasons. I don't deserve this. I don't need this. I'm on the verge of topping myself as it is without all her shit invading my life again. I can't cope.
Worst of all, I hide all this away from everyone. From my friends, from my mum, from myself most of the time too. I never let anyone know because that would upset my mum. That would hurt her and she's been hurt to much. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to make thing easier. I'm not supposed to cause her the hassle, the hurt, the heartache that they did. I'm supposed to make up for all that. I'm supposed to me a good girl and not make her upset. I'm supposed to do better than they did. I'm supposed to make up for it all. And I can't do it! Not anymore. Not much longer. I can't.
08:15 p.m.
Tuesday, April 2, 2002
Member pages
I've spent the past half hour (or more) meandering through the member pages and I have realised one major thing. Maybe I'm not crazy after all. If I am, at least I'm not the only one! A lot of anime. Nothing against it. Not too much for it either though. Some of it's cool, but most of it just looks the same to me. There's a few really cool blogs out there, a few really interesting people. Loads of people have amazing graphics at the top - I want some too. But, as I've said before, I am a computer dumbass. If anyone would like to tell me how, please e-mail me!
I'm listening to the radio and whoever the dj is, is talking more shit that I write. Now there's an ad for a car - the song in the background is jingle bells. Am I the only one totally baffled by this? There's a few good ads on tv just now. The new Levi's ad rocks - the one where the guy and the girl are running through the walls. I love that! The new cancer research ads make me cry - I have my reasons. I don't really want to go into them right now but I'm sure I will in the next couple of days when things get a bit too much for me. Ties in with my lack of belief in the Christian bible - especially Roman Catholic teachings. You have been warned - at some point in the next fortnight I will explode (or implode) and it'll probablbly end up here. I apologise in advance.
I am incredibly bored. I guess I should go to bed. I have to be in school tomorrow at 9.30am even though it's the holidays because of biology supported study. I think Geri and Lisa are going to go too. I hope they are. I haven't studied at all for bio since the prelims - before xmas. Finally finished all my latin work. Either I'm going to fail the credit interpretation paper or I'm going to have to work my ass off. Damned Catullus. Damned Martial. Damned Seneca. Damned Ovid! Damn! Damn them all! I think I'd better go now before I lose whatever small amount of sanity I had to begin with.
09:54 p.m.
Tuesday, April 2, 2002
Twelve pence?
This morning I went downstairs to find, lying on the table, two letters. One was for my mum and had been opened. The second wasn't. Very strange....I looked at it and realised why, it was addressed to my dad. It was from Oxfam - looking for money of course, so I decided to open it. Enclosed was a letter and two coins. A ten pence and a two pence. The letter explained about lack of funds and how so many children will not be able to join the Children's Village in Guatemala. Very touching. Seriously, it was. Inside the envelope was another peice of paper. This was the 'gift aid declaration'. I was concidering sending something even with my severe lack of funds. Then I read the declaration. There's about 8 boxes you have the choice of ticking. The first had writen beside it:
"YES i want to help your boys and girls break free froma life of povery. Here's my gift of ten pounds, along with the 12p you sent me. I pray that you're able to raise enough money so that you won't have to tell any of your children you can no longer help them."
My first thought was along the lines of 'Who the hell can send £10?' Cheap I know. But really, most people who got this through their door would probably consider sending a couple of pounds along with the 12p, if not, just the 12p back. There was no option for that. The next box was to be ticked if you wanted to send more than £10! There was then boxes for £15, £20, £25, £50, £100 and other £s. After seeing options like that, who's going to put something like £5 in the space for 'other'?
I think they(Oxfam) must lose out quite a bit by doing this. There's people in this street, who probably got the same letter, who need that a £10 donation themselves but still might have given whatever change they had lying around. Okay, granted this sounds stupid and petty, but it annoys the hell outta me! I think I'll send them their 12p back, and a letter. Maybe.
I doubt if I'll have time to do all the things I want to do with the remainder of this supposed holiday but I'm going to have to try. I have so much work to do! Latin more than anything else. And history - I conveniently missed getting the homework but i still really need to study for it! I need to get dressed too.........
12:56 p.m.
Monday, April 1, 2002
I am a computer dumbass
I'm really very bad at this. The whole computer thing that is. The slightest hiccup and I'm forced to phone my uncle for guidance. This has happened already this morning. Felt like such an eejit when he said to go into my computer then control......then about two more places, hit use default and that should be me. It was. Sorted. He did offer to come out and have a look at it for me but I declined. Gawd am I computer illiterate or what? wait...don't answer that!
This is probably the only AM post you will ever see here so please, enjoy it while you can. It's not that I'm not a 'morning person' exactly, it's just that I never have enough time to do everything I want to do. A lot of the time nothing has happened to me before I leave for school, work, friends to write and so I just don't see the point of turning on this dinosaur. That's another thing, this computer is incredibly slow. It takes way to long to start up and shut down - by the time I've done that I'd be racing out of here like a lonney for the bus (only to see it flying past the corner - of course, sod's law reigns supreme). I'll need to de-frag the hard drive when I get in. I might do it tonight just before I go to bed and leave it working away all night, but the noise might wake me up and then I really wouldn't be a morning person! Morning zombie perhaps.....
I think that's about it for now. I need to go get ready for work then come back and study. (I can de-frag while I study! Smart thinking batman!) Oh yeh - would somebody besides Geri please sign the guestbook! The whole three entries are lonely and need a new friend. (Also why I don't write in the morning - I'm more crazy than I am at night). x
11:15 a.m.
Sunday, March 31, 2002
Little Hour Lost
I miss my hour. There were so many things I had planned for my hour. So many things I will not have time to do until october when I get my lost hour returned to me. Gawd do I miss that hour. Right now, it's about 10.30 according to my body and my brain whereas the little radio alarm and the clock at the bottom right of my screen are in cohorts - telling me it's 11.30. Confusing me. I'm really too much of a simple person to be able to cope with this totally bizarre concept of losing an hour in march when we're just going to get it thrown back at us in october, the day after most people will have adjusted to loosing that hour and have finally caught up with the time lost. This means there will be an entire nation of people sitting in their homes, wittling away the hour, trying to think of things to fill the time with, only to find that the hour is over just as they think of something monumentally important to do. i think I'd rather leave the house in relative darkness in the morning than go through this daylight savings nonsense. I still have so much to do! Latin....gah!
That reminds me - for the guy who asked what the 'Tristis' thing was about: it's Latin, it means sadness or sorrow, I like the word - right up there with foibles (yes, that is english) and noscitabundus (no, that's latin too). Gawd I need my hour back........
11:29 p.m.
Sunday, March 31, 2002
Easter vs. commerialised Eggster
My mum sent out Easter cards this year. I think this id disgusting. If they were even remotely holly or religious in the slightest possible way, perhaps this wouldn't bother me so much. But they weren't. And it's bothering me. I'm not a big Christmas/Xmas person for that reason. It's a religious holiday, not an excuse for geeting card companies and Cadbury's to join forces and take over the supermarket shelves as soon as St.Valentines is out (another now non-religious holiday I have problems with).
Anway....I did have this long speach prepared, but I'm going to save it. I started talking to my cousin who just wandered in. He than started talking to Geri who I was talking to via AIM. Harrassing might be a better word. I've now totally lost my train of thought. I started this about 75 minutes ago and now it's totally gone. I'm going too. sign the g-book!
02:56 p.m.
Friday, March 29, 2002
Ahh...don't you just love the smell of hair colour in the evening?
I spent around 3 and a half hours in the hairdressers today. It's all cut and coloured. Really short though. Shoulder lengh. The day was too nice to spend the day sitting in a hairdressers. Many people across the country spent the day in their gardens sunning themselves. Not me. A lot of people around here decided to mow the lawns. Five of them, all around my house, decided to do this at 10 am, all five of them at the one time. Gah! Thank gawd for antihystamines. I hate having hayfever so much. But the haircut makes up for it. I love it. I never told any of my friends I was getting it done today. Wonder if anyone will notice. Hmmm...... If they don't I'm taking them to the opticians asap. It's lighter than it was before. I don't know if that was wise because it always gets lighter in the summer. It's done now. As I said before, I love it!
When the hurly burly's done, when the hair is cut and coloured............
Now I need to go tidy my room befoer geri gets here and I have maths stuff to do.
Oh yeah, SIGN THE GUESTBOOK! please. ('_')
05:21 p.m.
Thursday, March 28, 2002
confused
I think the bizarley nice weather we're having here in the west of scotland is confusing more than a couple of people. The sun is shining brightly (hiphiphihp hooray!)and there's very few clousd in the sky. The only ones daring to litter the sky are thin and wispy andding a fuzzy haze to the blue. But, there is a cool breeze. No to to mention it only being the end of march. Most people in the neck of the woods tend to expect a little coldness, wind and rain this time of year, instead they have this. "Ne'er cast a cloot 'til may is oot" as the old saying goes. (If you would have understood that better in a lesser used form of arabic, what it basically means is don't throw out your thermal underwear until the end of may.) I saw a strange mixture of clothes today. I was working this morning and chose to go out in jeans, a small t-shirt and a light zippy. I passed three people in black duffle coats and countless girls (and a few guys) in denim jackets. Then there were the really confused ones that couldn't seem to make up their minds. Light tops and heavy jackets were a common combination, right up their with dark polo necks and light/no jackets. Okay, so in scotland it's understandable to go out in the middle of june with an umbrella - just in case, but some of the things I saw today were ridiculously funny. But I suppose a few people must have thought the same about me.
I love this weather, bright sunshine with a cool breeze. It's relaxing. Bad thing is, all this sunshine shows up the fine layer of dust resting on top of every surface in my room. Then you're forced to close the curtains to block out the sun that's causing an unbearable glare on the computer screen.
If the breeze hasn't turned into a full-blown wind then I might take my latin work outside. Must revise. Must revise. Must revise. Must revise. (the new mantra)
02:58 p.m.
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
First entry
Well...The first entry on my fourth pita. I only use one of them (check the links right at the bottom) and now this one. This is to be for the more personal apects of my life that I don't want everyone I know reading. But you're different. I don't know you. We have no personal conection. You have no clue as to who I am and I none to you. I like it that way. Impersonal yet strangely familiar. Enjoy!
02:23 p.m.
