Thursday, August 8, 2002 03:27 p.m.
Fuck. The rota for work gets made up by either the manager or the assisstant manager on wednesday afternoon. It then gets faxed - like all the other rotas - to head office where it is either approved or changed then approved and sent back to the appropriate store sometime on thursday. The rota works saturday to friday. Since I'm not scheduled to work either today or tomorrow to find out my hours, I went in this afternoon to find out.
As usual, I'm working saturday and sunday. 12-4pm each day. Very good. I'm also working on monday from 9.30am (opening) to 3.30pm. I have tuesday off as I previously requested. I'm not working again untill thursday night.
Gah, motherfucking gah!
Thursday is a delivery day. Thursday night is the night when two or three unlucky sods get called in to sort out the delivery. In other words: sifting through box upon box of shite. Oh joy. Oh rapture. I can barely contain my glee. Ahem.....
I did end up going out last night. Not with Geri or Lisa though. I went out to my aunt's with my mum. We were only there for a couple of hours. We were home by eleven. This was after my mum had asked at about seven if I wanted to go with her. I said okay and she told me she had planned on catching the ten past bus. I have never changed clothes, sorted my hair and put on make-up so fast in my life. And I never plan to again. It was a good night. Better than it would have been if I had went with Lisa and Geri I think.
But that was last night. Right now, I'm going to grab a Moby cd and head downstairs to be all creative and paint.
Wednesday, August 7, 2002 04:47 p.m.
I was supposed to be staying at Geri's tonight with Lisa and maybe Suzanne. Change of plans. Now Geri is staying at Lisa's and Suzanne is definately not going. I might not go. I'm too tired. I've ben working all day and I'm very tired. I hate sorting through boxes of shitty clothes and hanging them/folding them and putting them where they're supposed to go. It doesn't sound like very strenuous work but it can be. Gah. I just can't be arsed going out. I'm not in the mood.
I know that if I have anything to drink, I'm only going to feel worse. Just not having a good day. A lot of things are getting to me.
Tuesday, August 6, 2002 09:50 p.m.
Can some one please remind me why I do latin? The class was given homework to be done over the holidays. I just realised how much homework it actually is.
The teacher is a sadist.
I have just spent the past twenty minutes trying to get my head around why monosyllables and diphthongs are long syllables; the difference between a spondaic line and a dactylic line; re-aquainting myself with chiasmus; scansion of latin verse (hense syllable lengh importance); elisions and 'naming the metre as Dactylic Hexamter'.
Aye. To think I'll be getting set exams on this in may! Gah, fucking Gah!
It's questions on the sixth book of Virgil's Aneid now. So much better. At least it doesn't take me nealry half an hour and a dictionary to understand it. The passage that's already been translated anyway. I never thought I could forget this much in the space of the summer holidays. They're not even that long! I think after staying at Geri's tomorrow night, all my time will be consumed by work and revision. Higher Human Biology......where did I put that diagram of a generalised ultrastructure of an animal cell? Oh shit.....
At least there's one subject I'm not going to fret about too much. English. English I can handle. The fourth year work was becoming very easy towards the end of fourth year (I dare say I'll have failed my exam now I've said that). We were shown a fifth year interpretation paper and asked to do it. It wasn't that hard. It's actaully a lot like what the latin interpretaions I've 'suffered' through for the past two years. I'm enjoying the book I chose for my RPR (George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four) and I already know the angle I'm going to look at it from in order to write an essay on it. Heehee! I'm just chuffed there's one subject I don't have to be overly anxious about.
Then there's always History. Good ol' History.
Right now however, Latin is evil. And I have to work in the morning.
I repeat: Gah, fucking Gah! Grrr....
Monday, August 5, 2002 07:50 p.m.
I think I should change this layout. I'm sick of it now. It's dull and uninteresting. A little like me at the moment I suppose. I don't know what to change it to though. I have no ideas. I'm empty.
Nothing is interesting me anymore. Nothing stimulates me. No one. Not athing. Not a person. I'm empty. Void.
I'm listening to Feeder at the moment. Feeder are good. Stimulus free like everything else at the moment.
I had palnned to do my latin work today. I didn't. I forgot. I could still do it. I just don't want to. I want to cry. For various reasons. Suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
It's a nice night. I might go sit outside with a book. Just for an hour or two. Yeah.....
Sunday, August 4, 2002 07:40 p.m.
Well.....Teresa sent me a text early this afternoon. Lisa phoned me three times on my mobile just after I'd left the house (sans mobile). I only found all this out about an hour ago when I finally got in from work. Finally. What a long, boring day that was.
Teresa was wanting to know if I wanted to go down to the park with her and Tricia and I don't know what Lisa wanted. To go and do something possibly. Maybe to arrange when she's going to come and do this damned decorating. Oh well. I'll phone her later.
It's been so hot outside today. Inside insn't any better. At least in work I could go stand beside a fan. Turn the air conditioning on full. The air conditioning in there is shit. If I hadn't actually gone and pushed the buttons myself, I wouldn't have believed it was on at all. Apart from the whirring noise coming from the fans. Useless. Suppose it could be worse. At least it's there.
I'm going to go water the garden now. That's after I talk to Geri and Hayley who've been flasing at me all night.
Sunday, August 4, 2002 11:00 a.m.
Okay, so0 I'm sitting at my desk, typing frantically before I leave for work. I don't start until noon but I'm leaving for a bus at 20 past so I can go see my mum first. I'm putting on my make-up at the moment. Why oh why can't I have decent skin? I don't wear muck make-up but I'd rather not wear any. Unfortuately, society and the media have warped my view of what I should and should not do to enhance shitty appearance. Just mascara and lip gloss left.
I'm working till four pm on this sunny summre sunday afternoon. It's around 22 degrees outside which I think is about 74 farenheit. I think. Seventy something anyway. It's nearly ten past so I'd better go.
One last thing: thank you to everyone who has signed the gbook especially the lovely purljamber who helped get rid of that annoying noise! ta much.
Saturday, August 3, 2002 05:11 p.m.
Last night I thought the most annoying noise was that of a bluebottle, wasp, bee or other small winged creature. An example of a 'small winged creature' would be the twomm long fly that insisted on buzzing in my ear when I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep last night.
It seems that not even other small winged creatures like this particular one - the two mm fly as it shall now be known.
In the corner of my room, above my computer, was a moth. A very small moth. As the two mm flew closer to the moth, the moth shuffled its papery wings as if trying to get it to go away. When the two mm fly joined mr.moth on the wall, mr.moth flew away as if to scorn the fly. For a very small moment I felt some sympathy for little two mm, until I remembered it had kept me awake for the past two hours. I then felt glad the little thing had been shunned.
I then felt I should stop thinking about flies and get some sleep before I slept in for work.
I digress......what was I saying? Oh yes...the new noise.
Have any of you, my dear non-existant constant readers, ever noticed that noise when you recieve a message on AIM? I have. Oh yes...I have. It really is the most annoying noise. If anyone knows how to disable it, please tell me and I will worship you forever.
This all started just a couple of hours ago. I don't usually have the speakers for the computer on unless my tempramental cd player decides not to play a cd. This is when I turn to the glory that is 'The Beige'. My computer. I love that computers will play virtually every cd - no matter how scratched or copied. My cd player plays neither. It's also not oo fond of Aerosmith, Feeder, Coldplay or Toploader to name just a few. (hence the tempramental) It plays them now and again as it choses. It doesn't like any Madonna before 1990.
But now.....it's completely buggered and refuses to play any cd.
I've had my music - playing on my computer - turned up quite loud because this is the way music is supposed to be heard. Unfortunately, I've had with it an ear-bleeding 'belurp' when I recive a message and a slightly calmer 'blip' when I send one. The first noise is the most annoying closely follwed by two mm and then ina poor third is 'blip'. May they all be damned to hell.
On a totally unrelated note...Geri has her interview at 12.40 so I'll see her there. There has been mention of going to the cinema afterwards. She too has her interview with 'GOD'. Mr.G. O'Donnell. He's a geography teacher. I don't do geography but I did have him at some point and he knows who I am and always says 'hello' as he passes me in a corridor (of which there are many). He's nice. Middleaged. Balding. Very low, monotonous voice. But a good teacher.
These holidays have passed too quickly. Gah.
Friday, August 2, 2002 08:25 p.m.
Last night was a good one. Although Lisa couldn't make it after her dolphin free dolphin watching expedition, Geri was here and what can I say.....Get one drink down her throat and she's a whole new bunny! Pizza was consumed along with chocolate and tweo of my best friends - Vodka and Rum. Geri also took full advantage of the popcorn maker. We got out a couple of cheesy vids and one not cheesy vid. The not cheesy vid was 'Crazy/Beautiful' with the crazy Kirstin Dunst and beautiful Jay Hernandez. Mmmmm......I should really stop druelling on this keyboard. No wonder my computer is becoming to tempramental.
Lisa came into my work today beofre she went to her's. We were talking for about 20 minutes before she had to go. It's Geri's turn to host the next girlie night and all I can say is had better be soon! ;) While I was talking to Lisa, my next little paragraph came up.....
Exam results come out on Tuesday 13th August. Also on Tuesday 13th August, I - like most of my year group - have to go to school for an interview. It's really just to review option choices sice levels being sat may have to be changed depending on results. Entire subjects as well in some cases (mine perhaps for example). I have my interview at 1.05pm and Lisa's is later on at around 1.40pm-ish. We've agreed to go together. We'll get the same bus there and wait for each other to review the damage. I don't know what time Geri's is at. Hint hint,bunny. Text me or leave a message or something.
I'm starting to get really nervous about these exam results now. With any luck, I'll have at least passed them all but it's doubtfull.
Argh! New subject please.
In fact, I think I'll just go now. I do have something else I could spend some time babbling about but I think I'll leave it for now. Have a good night!
Thursday, August 1, 2002 06:24 p.m.
My mother is really pissing me off.
I'm not talking to her.
She came in from work and started havin a go at me for no apparent reason. So I joined in. I had a lot more to maon about than her. If she want's something done, she should fucking do it herself. Cinderalla quits! I told her that. She's a fucking bitch. The bitch hit me. This, of course, is while I'm making her godforsaken dinner! Nothing for me. Just her. Fuck the bitch! I threw whatever it was I had in my hand down on the counter and stormed out. Slamming every door on the way of course. I was only planning on slamming the kitcken door but after she shouted at me to not even think about slamming another, I had to. There was nothing else I could do.
So here I am. In my room. Music blaring. Mad at the bitch. I do love her simply because she's my mother but that does not mean that I have to like her. I hate her. What I hate even more is that when I do go back downstairs, she'll go back to acting like my best fucking friend like not a fucking thing has happened. Bitch! Just because she has no life she doesn't need to take it out on me! It's her fault. She should get off her fat ass and do something about it insteaad of having a go at me. AAARGH! Grrrr.....
One other thing: when she hit me, I went to hit her back but managed to hold my hand in the air instead of whacking her one. And trust me here, that would have hurt if I had. I'm turning the volume up again. I'm going to go for that shower now. And dye my hair. I think I'll be really immature and leave the cd playing - at the same volume. Just because I know how much it pisses her off. Gah!
Have a good night.
A small update: I'm talking to my mum now - just a few hours later. I do love her, but s I said, every now and again, I really do not like her. 'Hate' may have been a bit straong a word but in the heat of the moment, it worked.
Thursday, August 1, 2002 04:49 p.m.
As usual, I have a severe lack of time yet I am here.
I am here, typing my ass off to entertain you my dear non-existant constant reader before i run around like headless chicken in a mad dash to get ready before Geri and Lisa show up. If Lisa's coming. I don't know yet. I won't know until she does/ doesn't show up. Oh well.
I was working for my mum today and only got in half an hour ago. So much for a day off. I now have three hours to tidy my room (including dusting, polishing and hoovreing), then I have to iron so I have clothes to wear and I have to shower as well.
It's hot. Very hot. The sun is shining brightly (upon the window pane). It's the first 'summer's day' in ages. I think most people are in shock. They're stripping off everywhere. I don't blame them. I'm roasted. Anyone for gravy? I also need to make dinner. Gah! Just remembered that. Fuck me! Second thoughts....don't. I don't have enough time. I could skip the shower but if I did that, even I wouldn't want to share a room with me. If I've got time, I'll put a mousse hair dye thingy in my hair. the sun has made it go blonde again. That and the colur is washing out now. Damn it.
Going to go iron now.
ps. Geri, you need to stop me making an arse of myself like I did at Lisa's last week. Don't let me text anyone! Ta much bunny.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002 06:10 p.m.
Crypitic: nice weather for ducks! Bunnies however, should consider staying indoors. ;)
Work was long and boring. Coat hangers....shoes....coat hangrs...folding.....empty that box.....folding...hanging...take that rubbish for a walk....go here.....do this...coat hangers...shoes. Gah.
But none of that matters right now because I now have two days off in a row! Wow! The novelty. I'm sure it will soon ware off when I realise that means less money. Bah humbug. Anyway....tonight will be a quiet one. On the other hand, tomorrow night will be totally different story. With any luck it will be anyway. geri is definately coming to stay and I think Lisa is coming too. It was supposed to be tonight but Lisa is in Inverness and I'm, way too buggered to even think about a girlie night. the house is filled with alcohol; my mother has planned to go out for a few hours; I have enough money in my bank for plenty of pizza and videos. I can't wait!
For some reason, I'm having trouble typing this evening. I keep hitting the wrong keys at the wrong times. 'Adn' is the new speeling of 'and'. Strangely enough, when I went to type 'adn' I came up with 'and'. I also just put an 'x' before came. Thank computer wizzes for the delete key! I'd be lost without it.
I guess my hands are just tired after a long hard days work. All the little signals from my brain to other parts of body have stopped functioning properly. Damn those signal controller strikes. Thay get paid nothing as it is and I did offer them a 100% increase in pay but they still won't work! Insolent bastards.
That's quite enough of all that nonsense for one night I think. My mum has just got in from work. I'm going to go and be a good daughter. Aye....
Tuesday, July 30, 2002 10:08 p.m.
I thought it was a very long time ago that I last wrote a 'real' entry in my old pita. Turns out it was only the 23rd of April. It feels like an eternity ago. It really wasn't. We're not even into August yet. (although we will be all too soon) It's so strange to think that was only three months ago. I feel as though so much has changed since then. I feel as though I've been coming here to babble for a lot longer than three months. I hate time.
I'm afraid of time.
Time is very misleading.
Gah! Motherfucking time! I'd smash my watch if I wouldn't be so lost without it. Damn it! Damn me!
I can't be bothered anymore.
I'm now stressing about totally unnecessary shit. Exam results. Only a fortnight left till they come in. I'm not telling anyone what I get. It's going to be hell no matter what. I predict three grade 3s, two grade 4s, one grade 5 and two complete fails. If i actually do manage to do worse than that, I can actually see me killing myself because yes, it is THAT big of a deal. I don't give a flying fuck that no one will give rat fart about what I did or did not do in high school in ten years time but I do not want those people to be the managers of ASDA or god forbid....McDonalds. That's not where I want to go in life so I certainly will not.
Anyway, I have work in the morning. 9.30am-3.30pm. Same as today. Same banality as today. Maybe I should become one of those people who reduce everything to suprelatives just to make life seem more interesting. My work is just THEEE best in the world ever! Gush gush....argh
Tuesday, July 30, 2002 06:23 p.m.
When I left the house this morning to go to work, there was a slight hint of drizzle in the air. When I arrived at work, there was definately drizzle. Karen said she wanted me to go down to the post office for her. She had paperwork to post. I was already and happy to go when she said it could wait until the rain had went off. That it could wait until Sarah came in at 1.30pm.
I think this is becasue when she had just started out there, her boss made her go out in all weathers - no matter how torrential the rain or deep the snow.
I said I didn't mind and would go then. But she said just to wait and help her put out the shoes. Being a good employee, I agreed. After all, I was still going later on.
By one-ish the rain was pouring down in steady streams. By half past when Sarah came in, it was hitting the ground and bouncing a few feet back up in the air.
I never went to the post office today.
The rain in the west of scotland is atrocious. Don't kid yourself here people - it's shite. It's not even the whole of Scotland. There is a small island in the Shetlands whose water supply relies entirely on rainfall. The rain is channeled into tunnels, filtered and then fit for use. The island has had to have drinking water flown in from the mainland to save it's 90 strong population from dehydration! They have had no rain for weeks! Damn them. Damn them to the west of scotland!
On a separate note.....
The pile of cds in front of my cd player has grown and multipied during the night. I only cleared it the other day! From the bottom up I have:
Creed - weathered
Nickleback - silver side up
1998 Grammy nominies compilation
Alanis Morissette - under rug swept
Dido - no angel
The Goo Goo Dolls - gutterflower
Aerosmith - nine lives
Travis - the man who
Usher - 8701
The Corrs - talk on corners
Train - drops of jupiter
Vertical Horizon - everything you want
Tori Amos - under the pink
Sheryl Crow - c'mom c'mon
Shea Seger - the may street project
I don't know how this happens! I still have about a hundred cds on two shelves of my book cases but there is always about a hundred. The number there never seems to decrease yet the number on my desk constantly rises. I'll need to try and find a solution. For example: putting aways cds properly after I have finished listening to them. I'm quite happy with Shea at the moment so she can stay but the rest have to go. I'm going to go sort it out now. Again.
Monday, July 29, 2002 03:57 p.m.
I'm the kind of person who wakes at three in the morning with something to write. This of course, never happens at three in the afternoon when I am fully awake. That would be too good for the likes of me. I suppose in a way, I'm used to it now. Sudden bursts of thought and inspiration as I lie half sleeping in the dead of night. I have even been known to enjoy it.
It's now gotten to the point where to save me getting up, I keep a pad of paper and a pen beside my bed. Just in case the need arises. It doesn't every night. But it's better to be safe than sorry. Around four nights out of seven these thoughts run through my head that I want to write down, keep a note and record of. It's my 'midnight diary'. I tend to write things and then never read them again until for some reason, I have to. I don't like reading what I've written. It always sounds so daft in the cruel light of day.
Chances are, it would take me too long to decipher the lazy scrawl that is my hand writing. My writing is usually worse still in this 'midnight diary' because I seldom turn a light on. Further laziness. If I'm lucky I can read it in the morning. This is not one of those times.
Sunday, July 28, 2002 03:18 p.m.
I'm still confused.
One thing I have decided is that the pita will stay. For a little while at least. I'm too shit at this whole web design thing for a proper site. It doesn't interest me as mucha s the words I write. The 'blank canvas' I have just now is pissing me off. I need to do soemthing to it.
Tear it apart and start from scratch. Brick by brick. Build it high. Build it strong. For it then to crumble around my feet.
Suggestions on a postcard please.
I'm going to go have a think about things. First I'll think about sorting out my ever-growing pile of cds in front of my cd player. In fact, I won't think - I'll just do.
Then I can put the world to rights.
Friday, July 26, 2002 06:53 p.m.
Oh pitas, what am I to do with you? I don't want you. But I need you. I need this little space to transfer all my excess thoughts, worries and general daily nonsense that clogs my already stuffy mind to. Without you, I would go more insane than I already am. I need this little place just to come to and let go of all my inhibitions and fears and just say what I want in whatever style I choose. But I don't feel as though I can anymore. I need somewhere new. Somewhere better. Somewhere over the rainbow perhaps. A real website. A .net ot a .com or a .org or something. Something bigger and better and new. All shiny and new.
But this is my comfort zone. It's a familiar place where I can just relax and be at ease; not worrying about what anyone alse thinks. I'm confused.
I'm not just talking about this damned pita. If you haven't guessed that. I want to move on to something frightening and different. I suppose in many ways, I am. I just want more. Here might be a good place to start. What do you think?
ps. all links (including guestbook and archives) can now be found at the very bottom of the page.
Wednesday, July 24, 2002 09:53 p.m.
There's a certain smell that lingers outside Chinese restaurants and take-aways at ten in the morning. This smell becomes stronger and hangs heavier in the air on the days the bins are to be collected. This smell is like everything you have ever eaten out of a Chinese restaurant yet nothing like what you have ever eaten out of a Chinese restaurant. It's a strange smell. No one dish can be picked out of this gathering of odours.
The smell seems to cling to you. It stays with you. Never leaving until a newer, more imposing smell pushes it out of the way. But it sticks to you. To your clothes, to your hair and to your skin. But only you ever seem to know it's there. It lurks under layers of skin, unseen - unsmelt - by others. Yet blantantly obvious to you.
Every morning I am sent from the shop I work in to the post office in the town centre with the previous days banking. I don't mind. Especially when the weather is good - like today. Even when the weather is dismal - like every other day. It's a good skive. It gets me out of the shop for a while. Shortens a long day. I enjoy the walk. Thinking about the lives of all those I pass. Looking at the houses and wondering who lives in there. Occasionally I see a familiar face.
It's about a five minute dawdle from work to the post office. On the way I pass a petrol station, a park, houses, two beauticians, a photographers, grocers, fruitiers, bookies, a pub, derelict space, various shops, two Chinese take-aways/restaurants and two Indian take-aways/resaurants. Welcome to fast-food city. In the opposite direction there is a McDonald's and a chippy among other things. Welcome to a place where obesity, fat and grease rule supreme.
I swear I can still smell it. Even now, almost twelve hours on, as I sit here drinking a big green mug of tea listening to whatever shit a godforsaken overpaid dj chooses to play. It's in my hair. It's on my clothes. Embeded into my skin. I could scrub for hours and still not be free of the rancid stench.
It's the reek of society. It's foul but foul is fair. It's what we have all created for ourselves. It's not just pollution. It's not just the general smell of exhause fumes and food associated with towns and cities. It's the people. Rotting with hatred and envy from the inside out. It's disgusting. The Seven Sins run riot in the chaos of 'civilisation'. And it fills the air. There's no escaping it. Nowhere. It travels with you. It is you.