Well, I survived my hectic mess of an Obon vacation. It was much-needed, let me tell you, but I actually should have come back a day earlier than I did. I just didn't expect to be that exhausted (or broke)! I'm still amazed at the amount of stuff I got done, though. Work obligations reared their ugly heads a few times, right on the heels of me being sick for two days (I'm a bit mad at myself for letting that happen, but at the same time relieved because now I know how much I can handle, without having had a really nasty episode involving a week of downtime), and I'm starting to realize I need to avoid listening to most of the verbal poison other people trade about our employers. It's not that they're /wrong/, it's that I am far too sensitive to others' feelings and attitudes, and they affect me much more directly than is usually good. Especially in this country, where I'm living on my own without any really close friends to see face-to-face, and where the Japanese mentality seeps into my skin without me really realizing until I find myself thinking from odd perspectives and I have to pull myself out of the mud, so to speak. So it ends up in this wierd seesaw of love/disgust towards work, while really at the end of the day my personal experience is no better or worse than the average office worker in the U.S.-- certain people were right, it really isn't so much that eikaiwa are a special kind of crap, it's equal parts Japan and the fact that so many people have this as their first experience with a 'real' (corporate, faceless) job, and the added culture shock seems to turn it into this huge gooey angsty mess. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments, and yet when I'm actually AT work none of it seems that bad. Sure, my manager is standoffish and has made some singularly ridiculous decisions, some of which involved former coworkers, but that's nothing new. It doesn't mean I don't have the right to expect better, but it does mean (in my opinion) that I shouldn't make myself out to be some kind of exiled martyr, suffering needlessly. I did choose this job, after all, and I can leave anytime I want. (Which is what one of my fellow teachers did, and after seeing the mess he left in his wake it would take a truly abominable act to get me to leave everyone in the lurch like that, because I feel far too guilty about things like that sometimes.)

Um. Apparently I just needed to vent a little, eh? Oh well.

Vacation itself, as before, was exactly the mental break I needed. More so, even, because this time around it was purely ME and no co-workers were involved in any way, so I wasn't playing tour guide or trying to babysit anyone (which I don't mind doing, as long as the company in question wants to do exactly the same sort of things I do!) It was like as soon as I left Niigata, my brain dropped everything having to do with work and eastern Japan. I reverted to Nara mode, and it was lovely, although I did have to stamp down on a nearly overwhelming urge to look into grad school here. The longing to be a university student in Kyoto is so strong it makes me want to cry, and yet in the long run it would serve no purpose; there's nothing to study here that will help me accomplish anything of personal worth. It doesn't make the wanting diminish, though.

I never realised before just how important mountains are to me. I can't just see them far away, like a line on the horizon, as I thought-- I have to live IN them. I thought being at the beach would be enough to take their place, but apparently only the Carolina coast can fill that void. There are honestly no words for how good it felt to be surrounded by green mountainsides, to smell the trees and have the sense of heights being reached for. That's what it is, I think-- mountains /climb/. They go up and try to touch the clouds, and my imagination goes with them. It's much harder to get off the ground, when everything is so flat. And seeing Kyoto, from the top of the station building, surrounded on three sides and mostly a fourth by those rolling green walls, gave me a thrill I've never felt in any other place I've been. Not even in London, or standing outside Stonehenge, do I get such a sense of stability and age. Time slows down, in Kyoto and Yamato-- it pools in little places, stagnates and eddies and builds up, sometimes in a single building, sometimes a whole street or chunk of temple real estate, and then you stumble across it and you breathe it in and it stops you, makes you feel transparent. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world, because it's about belonging where you are. I imagine old-growth forests would feel the same, only without the same sense of comfort because they are the antithesis of peopled places. I need to experience it, though, just to find out.

Suffice to say, much running around was done and lots of fun was had with many wonderful people. Sunday and Monday were lovely-- I got to see Homasse and meet Writer, and we watched Moon Child together, which was a blast. Not a bad movie, but all the better for the company, of course! And I finally got to have a guest in my apartment-- I hope Writer felt at home, because I love spoiling my friends and she certainly deserved to be spoiled. We wandered all over town and shopped; it was a perfect girls' day out. I only wish she could have stayed longer; she turned out to be fabulously good company. When I get back home, Writer dear, I hope you're not averse to the idea of visiting N.C.? :)

Monday night, after seeing Writer off on the shinkansen I rushed around packing and cleaning up for my trip-- I stopped for a good hour to drool over the amazing view of the fireworks over the river, courtesy of my 10th story apartment and its huge windows. Niigata has a two-hour fireworks display every year for Obon, and it's continuous and very pretty. When it was over it was nearly time for me to catch my bus, so that was that. I didn't sleep much at all riding down, this time, which totall sucked because I couldn't sleep at all that day either! I was so tired I couldn't form a coherent plan once in Gion, so settled for attempting to relax in the shade, then wandering aimlessly around Sannenzaka and Shijo-dori (quite a large area, actually-- every time I look at it on a map it makes my legs ache.) I did learn how to use the city buses, though, AND the flat-rate tour buses, because it was too hot to even think of walking all the way to and from subway stations.

I stayed with Jamie in Shiga prefecture, about an hour outside Kyoto by train, and it was lovely to finally meet her. She's good company and so is her sister! Turns out one of her fellow ALTs was the roommate of a very old church friend of mine in college-- my world shrinks violently yet again. Said ALT had a huge apartment and was an absolute sweetheart, so I actually crashed on her couch for three nights since Jamie was a bit pressed for space. Something about her apartment smelled/felt like my aunt's house in Florida, strangely enough, so it severely contributed to my feeling of homesickness and wanting to stay there forever, that's for sure! Odd, how going to Kyoto or Nara is nearly the same as going /home/ for me, here. It's something about the mountains and the sense of familiarity, and the fact that it all ties into something my mind is so entirely /comfortable/ with, I think. Not only that, but it's pure summer-esque, and I've had no real 'summer' experience this year, for the first time in my life, and I think that's affected me more than homesickness so far. I'm so very much a creature of habit and familiar places, and have had neither for the last three months, when usually I'd be lounging about at home, working part-time and hanging out with my friends, indulging in all the usual perks of summer: fresh fruit, picking blueberries, Mom's amazing cooking, lazy late summer evenings reading on the patio, staying up all night watching anime, going out to dinner and swimming with friends, going on road trips... the list goes on forever. In Nara, there are at least a few things that are similar enough to those feelings and such that I don't feel so disoriented calendar-wise. Here in Niigata, I'd forget what month it was if I didn't have to write it down every day at work. It's simply not relevant to any of my usual frames of reference.

Wednesday I struck out on my own and didn't get much done, which is par for the course really, but I'm proud of myself even though I was pretty stupid as far as navigation goes. I managed to locate and visit a singularly not-famous temple near Arashiyama, Koryuu-ji, which was almost totally deserted but amazingly well-kept, with a beautifully-done new exhibition hall displaying its impressive array of statuary, and a stunning garden in the shade of some really huge trees. I'd never seen a lotus garden before, and took loads of photos, which will hopefully be up on the website soon. The sunlight in late afternoon was incredible; it was the perfect time of day to visit. It was the only thing I got to do all day, but it was completely worth the time. I went straight from there to meet Jamie, then to meet Amano-san, then to dinner in Nara and sleep at her friend Gou-san's house, which reminded me of my grandmother's house (or someone's grandmother, at least). Very restful place to sleep, of course.

I did get to spend time with Amano-san and Yoshida-san, which was good-- we went to Shigi-zan and the onsen there, which was fabulous. It was actually the closest thing to being at our old swimming pool that I've ever encountered, and it was so strange it took my breath away. I didn't want to get out of the pool! That did wonders for my brain, I'm sure. My poor head. The mountain views were gorgeous, and so was the food. That evening Jamie and Meg and I descended on Livni's apartment for a while, then it was just me and her to sleep in the air conditioning. Next day, we tooled around Kyoto, checking out Ryoan-ji, Chion-in, and Shoren-in before tromping down to Gion and spending the evening in and around the Pontocho, which is incredibly romantic-- I can't believe I never noticed it before! But it is. I'd make a guy friend take me to dinner there, just to give myself the illusion of having a date on the river, it's that gorgeous. Like a dream. It was worth the price of the food, even though we had to eat inside. I had scampi and a huge margherita pizza, all to myself.

Saturday with my sempai was wonderful-- we ended up doing exactly what I'd hoped we'd get to do, which was a whole lot of nothing in Asuka. She'd never seen the Ishibutai, and I was dying to go back, so it worked out quite nicely. We had a good leisurely stroll around the farms nearby too; attempted to walk to Oka-dera but gave up when the hill proved too steep, only to surmise later that we'd have saved ourselves some walking if we'd persevered. Next time, I will not give up! But it was a beautiful view, and the sunlight on the trees and the mountainsides was breathtaking, as were the clouds. I finally got to see my summery clouds, like huge citadels in the sky, the ones I can spend whole afternoons staring at and thinking of nothing except what they must be like to fly among. It's a shame we don't get those here; it's almost like wasting the view from my window, in a way.

We headed back to Nara for an izakaya dinner on Sanjo-dori, then the hike up to Kasuga-taisha through the long avenues of stone lanterns, flickering in the dark. It was so dark, the lanterns were little holes of light that cast no illumination whatsoever, and the trees were brooding presences that threatened to reach out and grab you if you moved too close. It was creepy and exacly what I love best about Nara. Sleepy and old and a little dangerous, but totally comfortable at the same time. Bizarre and I love it dearly. I was sad that I didn't get to go back to the dorms with my sempai, or have more time to visit people-- I really will have to take a weekend in the near future and do that, because I very much need to make the effort. I love my sempai, though, and I love that the more time we spend together, the better we seem to get along. She's just such a wonderful, interesting person, and she's so /nice/ to me when I least expect it. I still miss my other friends like arms and legs, though, and it really hurts when I think about them not being here anymore. Half the reason I love Nara left when they did, although the other half is certainly more than enough to keep me coming back forever.

Same with Kyoto. I slept in till noon on Sunday, and still couldn't bear the thought of leaving without one last stroll in Shijo-dori, so I hauled my tired body into town (after a good long gawk from the top of the station, god was that ever the most gorgeous sunset of my life) and had a good self-indulgent wander through Gion and along the river, just looking and looking until my eyes hurt. Then back to the station, to call Sephie and psych myself up for coming back to Niigata.

And here I am. And Niigata's not a bad place to be, not when I'm in it, just like work's not so unbearable when I'm actually there. But when I'm not, I'm even happier... just like when I'm in Kansai, life is much brighter and more beautiful.

Mel, if you actually read all this, I am SO coming to visit you the first weekend you're free. I am desperate for someone to commisserate with, and to go to Osaka with someone who loves it all as much as I do and already knows me well enough to understand. :) I'm falling asleep as I type this, so I'll stop here. If I remember any fun details, I'll post later. Night night.

ED wandered off @ 12:28 a.m.

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