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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Tuesday, June 25, 2002 -- 10 Days Till Todd Comes Home, 6.08p
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I have this huge problem of not getting anything done. Unless I am getting paid
But even then, I wouldn't count on me getting it done.
I still don't have a job, but a HUGE thanks to Isaac for warning me about Vector Group, because I really was going to call for an interview. You saved my life.
I still have to work on my site, and on Todd's site. (Which I thought that I would register for him, too, but we'll see.)
Right now, I look up to Dawn, even though she has no idea who I am. I'm glad that she doesn't either, because she might get wierded out. I just want her to be her, so I can keep looking up to her.
Okay, I gotta go. I'll think of something later.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Tuesday, June 25, 2002 -- 11 Days Till Todd Comes Home, 12.51a
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My mom likes to make breaded chicken all the time for dinner because it's easy and it seems to go relatively quickly, and it makes good leftovers. I, however overdosed on it and spent the next six hours in intestinal misery.
While I was at Heather's, Mum made it for them to eat. And to this day, when I opened the fridge, the smell of that chicken in there just nauseates me. I can't take it. It's why I'm pseudo-vegetarian.
I still miss Todd a lot. And I had a panic attack this morning, and I passed out. My room is not the safest place to pass out -- too many boxes and open drawers and sharp corners.
I keep waiting for him to get online, or for my cell phone to ring. It won't for a while...
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Sunday, June 23, 2002, 7.03p
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I'm on edge. I've been on edge. It's either just miserable silence for me, or hysterical crying. This is the first time that Todd and I haven't been able to speak with one another.
And it sounds so silly for me to be like this, but all of these feelings are so acute, much sharper because of the wedding that Todd and I went to.
I feel like I am being left alone, left behind. Because I am not family. Fair's fair, and I am not family, but I feel so lonely and sad. It feel like bing rejected. And my mum had it right when she told me simply, plainly, "No one likes being/feeling rejected."
The wedding was lovely, but difficult. I think that a lot of Todd's family believe that he and I are the next in line to be married. I don't have any problem with that idea, I want to marry Todd -- someday. But that waiting to be with him is hard. Not being able to be with him, not being able to run errand with him, or eat dinner with him every night, not being able to take trips with him -- that's the hardest.
It's not about getting married to have sex, I'm not that way at all.
I just want to be able to know that he'll be home when I get there, that he and I can just sit and watch TV, that I can call him and he'll say, "It's okay, baby."
But he can't say that. He's halfway around the world.
And I am so happy for him, that he's visiting where he's from, that he'll see beautiful art and architechture, and get closer with some of his extended family. It's not that I am jealous. I suppose that it's me being selfish, and not being able to accept my age and my social situation.
And I miss my best friend. I don't want anything to happen to him. I want him to come home safe. So I can hug him and smell his cologne.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Thursday, June 20, 2002, 2.07p
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So right now? Right now I am poor, bored, and unemployed. It's sad. I've sent out (count them) 8 applications since the sumer started, and NO ONE has called me.
The contact in my right eye is giving me hell. Total hell. It feels like I have an air bubble behing there, but there isn't. And it keeps sliding off of my pupil, and all over my eyeball. I don't like it, it's uncomfortable.
I'm building a new webpage for Todd; which keeps me kinda busy. And I'm working on revamping mine. Who knows, maybe we'll have matching blogs.
I got a new journal, a new paper journal that is. I hope that I get time and chances to write in it. I hope, I hope, I hope.
I bought books for a dollar, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: In Love" and "The Impact of Feminism on the Arts and Sciences: Philosophy and Feminism: At the Border". They both are worthwhile books. But right now, I'm in the middle of Hannibal.
I'm trying to keep my mind off of being poor, bored, and unemployed.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Wednesday, June 19, 2002, 9.36p
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I spent the majority of the day puttering: cutting roses for dried rose petal whatnots, wtering the lawn, making chai tea for sixteen, and creating a new recipe. The recipe turned out icky, I couldn't melt the romano cheese all the way. That's all you really need to know (that and Romano is way to salty for Asiago cream sauce).
I have to wonder and worry about things. This early afternoon I was loosing hope about finding a job. Tops won't call me, and neither was Half-Price Bookstore, And Tops was my totally last-ditch effort for a job. I was so discouraged that I just spet the whole afternoon crying and moping.
But then, I get something in the mail from the Vector Group, which got my name from one of my previous referrences; I would have to do office work all day, but I would get .67 an hour. I suppose that's okay, better money than I would make anywhere else, but I don't know the hours, and I don't like working in an office all day, and they say that positions are very tight. The whole thing seems really sketchy.
And I went to Nature's Bin, which is a food co-op, which is hiring -- it's more my environment, and the hours are flexible.
Someone up above is smiling down on me.
Aside: I'm hungry as hell, someone needs to go f*cking grocery shopping.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Monday, June 17, 2002, 11.28p
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Today, my Mum played hooky fgrom work today, so that I could get my contacts. Well, I don't think that she intended to play hooky -- she just wanted to make sure that I got my contacts thing squared away, and then we went to get coffee, and she then told me that her lunch appointment canceled. And one thing proceeded to lead to another, and she didn't go back in to work at all.
I don't blame her, she has this secratary that can't seem to do her job or anything; but is the only defense that Mum has in a sea of back-stabbing business partners.
So we went to the greenhouse, so Mum could get some stuff for a pot outside the door of her office, and we made out with six plants for her pots, three hanging geraniums, one batch of Gerber daisies, two tiny pots of chamomile, one pot of sweet basil, one pot of cilantro, and one pot of lavender.
I want to find more lavender to plant, it makes nice bath scents, and is a facial antiseptic. And I am collecting/drying rose petals from Mum's garden.
All in all, I have to say I had a good day with Mum.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Wednesday, June 12, 2002, 2.38p
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I have two pictures of Todd and me. One from graduation and my graduation party.
We look like brother and sister. Like we could be fraternal twins.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Wednesday, June 12, 2002, 11.06a
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I have a pretty big decision to make. I can either work at Half-Price Bookstore, and not know if I will be totally bored out of my mind all day. Or, I can work at Tops, be miserable, but at least know that I am doing legitimate work.
This is really bothering the hell out of me. Because I am having more of those nightmares, which takes the worst of all of my situations and makes them BIGGER.
My dad says that a lot of these dreams are post-college-exam dreams that people have years later, but obviously, they're striking me in a different manner.
The only thing that I can do is drop my application off at Tops, and talk to my parents about refusing jobs.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Monday, June 10, 2002, 7.27p
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I wish that I had something to do with myself to keep myself occupied, so I just might start making my college photobook to take with me to look at when I'm jonesin' for my my baby.
Actually, I would be a lot more motivated to do something with my ass if I didn't feel like garbage. I got up really late, after too much sleep, only to develop a heat headache that wouldn't go away (which was probably because of the six cigarettes that I breathed in with yesterdays fiasco ). The only way to remedy that type of headache was with sleep, and sleep I did -- for about an hour.
So sleeping probably wasn't the coolest thing for me to do, now I feel utterly and totally lethargic and just generally blargh.
On another note -- now that college is becoming blaringly apparent, I'm starting to formulate the rest of my life. Against my better thoughts of myself, plans of marriage and travel lay within them. And I'm satisfied with that.
The one thing that I have heard (meanly) said to young people in love when they declare that they are getting married, is "Why are you getting married, you have so much left to do? You have your whole life ahead of you." To me, that was always more of a lament at unfulfilled personal dreams, rather than looking out for the other's well-being.
Who's to say that the happily married couple have thrown away their lives? That they can't go travel areound the world, or write award-winning novels, or create beautiful works of art?
Yes, our lives are all out there waiting for us. But the sad thing is jaded couples who lament for things that they could do when they are single.
But personally, I want to live and experience things with my best friend in the world there by my side. Someone who has seen me from the beginning, knows me. Someone I can curl up with at the days end and giggle with, that I can cuddle with, that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to.
I don't think that's throwing my future away.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Monday, June 10, 2002, 11.34a
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19 I act like I'm 19.
This test was brought to you by Mel - mostly.... Take it here.
Sheesh, only a year older than I actually am.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Saturday, June 8, 2002, 1.08p
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Today is contact day! I'm excited, but I don't think that I am going to enjoy the grit-in-my-eye feeling that Todd told me he had the first few days (!!). I doubt that I will get color contacts, I have already messed up my hair enough...
So yes, I think that Todd is going to a bachelor party tonight, which I am none too pleased about. But I've ranted my views about it before, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you how annoyed I am that his family is testing his "alchohol tolerance" when he's only seventeen, nor will I tell you how annoyed I am that there will -- most likely -- be a stripper there. No, I won't tell you any of that.
Which I shouldn't really say anything about anyway, especially after that utter, total, bloody, wankering Gulich Fiasco. So I figure that I should leave well alone, not think about what he's doing tonight, and not ask questions about it tomorrow.
But if I run into pictures -- oh there will be hell to pay.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Friday, June 7, 2002, 12.32p
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I just found out that one of my "friends" is a total dickless asshole.
Go suck yourself, you fucker.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Thursday, June 6, 2002, 10:47p
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I haven't updated really in a bazillion years. I am a bad, rude man, baby...
Okay, enough chanelling his Spikeyness.
So here's my big time to talk about nothing and everything, and I feel like it is my due time. Tonight, I went to see About A Boy, which was a really good movie. My mom thinks that Hugh Grant is a total dick, but I think that he's very cute. Toddmonster could get a tip or two about dressing from him.
Who said that?
In other news, I got my ears pierced for the third time, but that was a while ago. Actually, about five weeks ago, and I think these bad boys are really infected, they keep pussing and they hurt like bastards. If Todds uncle (the doctor) is at the graduation party, I'll have him take a look at my ears for me.
Okay, I'm going to run. I'll try to update later.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 1.05p
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Sorry, it's been a long time, the internet has been broked. No one bothered to get it fixed, but everything is okay now.
In life, you do stupid, foolish things. There is no point in living with regret, at all. Why put yourself through that kind of misery? You live, you fuck up, you regret, you move on. There isn't anything else that you can do, you can't go back in time and change the way things are, and you can't waste time being mopey about it.
Fine, look back and be sheepish about what happened. But don't let that sheepish nature keep you from being who you are!! Don't let it keep you from having a normal, fresh, healthy relationship!!
And I'm getting sick of the melodrama: sick of the flip attitude, sick of the cryptic, dark messages passing off as life experience. I tried to see something that wasn't there, tried to make it fit where it would not, just to please myself. And it didn't work -- of course it didn't work. In that, I lost myself, I became something that I didn't like, became less of the full person that I could be.
This is me: standing up for myself, because basically, I got pushed around, really became something that I wasn't. The people who cared for me the most realize that I have certain flaws, but realize that I am fundamentally a good person, and don't train me through their words/actions to become something that I am not.
And you know what? When I fucked up, they stuck by me. Told me that I was okay, that things weren't as bad as they were in my head. They let what happened pass and still loved me for my personage.
Rather than caring for me for the way they trained me to be.
This is me: standing up for myself, reconciling my feelings, cutting the cord.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Sunday, May 26, 2002, 11:20 p.m.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Monday, May 20, 2002, 10:14 p.m.
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I dyed my hair black instead of brown. I need to get used to this. It's so dramatic. Good thing I can change it back in a coupla days if I really hate it.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Sunday, May 19, 2002, 11.50a
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I have leanred a thing or two about being knocked on my ass, I've been there, rubbing my sore posterior a few times. And this isn't me pointing fingers, or placing blame: because I know that I am as much to blame as the other is. I can sight sheer idiocy from both sides of the spectrum: sadly, I am acutely aware of how much of an idiot I am, but I can't stop myself until it's too late.
And I'm angry and I'm hurt: not irrationally so. I know how I feel, and I know that things were conducted in a poor manner, and I know how painful things have been for me in lieu of the entire situation. And I need time to heal, to get over the rejection, to get over the way I felt, to forgive myself for the things that I did that inevitably hurt third parties. I need time.
And the words that comfort me the most come from one of my close friend's AIM profile: "Let go, and let God."
I can't control everything, only my reactions. I'm angry, and I'm hurt: and I'm confused. In time, all of that will fall away, and I will be Julia: a wiser, stonger, more intuitive Julia.
But for now, I'm working on pulling back all of the things I released, pulling them back and shuttig them back up in their alabaster jar.
...Waiting for something. Waiting for someone new. Waiting for the opportunity to shine.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Sunday, May 19, 2002, 11:27 a.m.
Stay (I missed you)
Written by Lisa Loeb
You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.
And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I mised you.
Yeah, I missed you.
And you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
or to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.
Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
Well, this is not that:
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
You try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
But now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
You said, "I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go."
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just scared to lose.
And you say, "Stay."
And you say I only hear what I want to.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Saturday, May 18, 2002, 11:09 p.m.
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I don't know how to start this entry. It needs to be written, it needs to be said, I need time to heal and to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the stupid things that I did, for the things that I didn't do, and for the people I hurt: especially myself.
I guess the lesson that I have learned is that I make the wrong types of friends with the wrong people. I try too hard to make people the way that I wanted them, the way that I thought that they had to be. And some people, aren't ready for me.
And I've learned: fool me once, shame on you -- fool me twice, shame on me.
Things could have been conducted differently. Things should have been said that weren't said; and some things that were said should not have been said.
I must gather myself together, rally my spirits, pull the people who love me close and keep walking forward.
I made mistakes, I am learning. I'll live; I'll learn.
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Saturday, May 18, 2002, 03:53 a.m.
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I want to be happy, in lieu of all good things that I have, and all the qualities that I have. But there is still the nagging, reasonable doubt about myself and the world around me and in my situations that I can feel completely miserable.
I'm so exhausted: I've been working all week, and I had prom. I can't take this grown-up shit: I need a nap.
[Isaac, sorry I seemed like a nusiance, or like a total bitch, I didn't mean it. I know you're busy: just know that I'm going through some really hard shit with a "friend" of mine -- it doesn't put me in the best of moods.]
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The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
05-12-02, 10.04p
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For a long time, I entertained the idea that I couldn't grow up, that I wouldn't grow older, that the good, innocent times would never end. And sadly, they do: and I am growing up: the choices are harder, the paths are getting less and less traveled by.
It's un to start to get together a life outside of my parents: a life where I get to be in control of me. It's fun, but it's scary as hell.
I've been through the old neighborhood, in Euclid (my old section, other places are nice): where the houses are birdhouses set closely together, there is no yards, the neighborhoods are terrible. And it's easy to see how you could take a wrong turn, end up being a beautician for the rest of your life and living in a world of pink, blue and seafoam green, with flamingoes stuck all over.
But I've been through Bratenahl, where the houses are large and sprawling, and you can see how you can end up there. With mahogany paneling, with lead crystal glasses and china to eat on and a housekeeper. You can go to fancy places to eat at, go to the opera, and wake up the next day and not have to roll into work until noonish.
I'd rather live in Bratenahl, and eat off of fine china rather than search through the bargain bins at Big Lots, and eating TV dinners every night. ...Actually, I think everyone wants the Bratenahl life.
I can't watch MTV "Cribs" anymore. Nor the Madonna story on VH1.
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