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 The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever
Thursday, July 25, 2002, 1.32a
Heather and I are frequenters of twelve% beer, and we both get a huge kick out of Rudey. ...Not to mention, we had a bizarre night with Colin, to boot.

TrekPhile47: totally read rudey's newest entry
Foxx832001: I did. hehehehe
TrekPhile47: i can't believe she asked him to write about her pink vibrator!
TrekPhile47: ask [name deleted] if when he's famous, will he write a note on your cd about your pink vibrator.
Foxx832001: -_-
TrekPhile47: what? is it a blue vibrator like mindy's?
Foxx832001: -_
Foxx832001: -_-
TrekPhile47: someone poked your eye out, heather. was it a slip of the wrist with the vibrator?
Foxx832001: -_-
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Sunday, July 21, 2002, 9.22p
You say that now your mother has died, Mother, that you are going to live your life differently. You say that you appreciate me, that you love me; and have made it look like we had some sort of fantastic relationship.

For 18 years, Mother, you spent shunning me as a human, treating me as an infant, excluding me from conversations, making me wrong all the time, and you right. For 18 years, you kept a "stiff upper lip" through everything. You wouldn't teach me how to cry; you didn't really shape my world in any sort of meaningful way.

You taught me how to survive without praise. You taught me how to grit my teeth and bear everything, no matter how unfairly I was treated. You let me believe that you wouldn't be there for me no matter what.

I did well enough on my own, Mother. You think that I can't live without you, but you're wrong. You think that I will come back to you when I am at college, and you have convinced everyone else of that, too. But you don't know: I don't need you there near me to be able to make my own decisions. I know what I want out of life, Mother. I am tired of living for disapproval of the life that I have chosen.

So, now that I am an adult, you want me to be your friend. You want to talk over coffee, you want me to go shopping with you. You want to go through Coventry with me.

But Mother, you discounted me from conversations; you were always right, and I was always wrong. You want me to go shopping with you, but you think that all the things I like are too tacky, trendy, or too wierd for you. All of a suden, yoga is cool to you, even though you wouldn't pay for classes for me, because it was too "hippy for a daughter of yours"; you think that yoga classes will make up for 18 years of abuse.

Even Dad said so, an adult can abuse children in any number of ways. I know how you abused me, Mother. Do you?

In 18 years, mother, I know exactly what you are, what you think. You won't change. I know this. That is why I am not coming back.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Sunday, July 21, 2002, 12.23a
Didn't spend the day doing much. Some relatives came in for Gram's funera/public debaucle.

I'm surprised that my mother isn't going to end up suing the Attendant of my Grandmother's Estate (uncle) for desecration of a corpse. The whole thing is bizarre.

For a while, I didn't want to believe what a thre-ring circus this has all become. But, looking in from the outside in, the whole thing is like some abnormal Jerry Springer episode.

The bizarreness is incomprehensible. And because my house is full of relatives (actually, Aunt Claudia and Uncle Lee are here in Binkle's room; so don't ask me why Doug and Wendy couldn't sleep in the basement); Doug and Wendy are going to sleep at my Gram's house (Doug's being cheap, won't buy a hotel).

Oh, and I did I forget? The coffin will be in the fucking livingroom overnight.

How bloody bizarre is that? How macabre.

Don't let me get into the funeral, except to say that it's got my mom so pissed off that my Dad has to sit on one side, and I have to sit on the other to keep her from getting up and punching my uncle.

I am so mortified, I don't want Todd to come and witness the decauchery. But I'm going to suck it up, he makes a good support boyfriend when I need it.

And goddamn, I'm going to need it.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Saturday, July 20, 2002, 1.14p
I went to re-visit Ashland yesterday, which was so much fun, and only re-affirms my absolute desire to leave the house.

I met my roomate, yesterday. Her name is Luellen, and she is such a sweetheart, I think that she and I are going to get along just fine. My dad took a picture of us.

The wake is tomorrow, the funeral is Tuesday. I think the whole thing should be filed as desecration of a corpse.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Thursday, July 18, 2002, 11.05p
Everyone has been very supportive to me this hard time. It's just, very, very hard for me to sit and talk to people deeply what's going on....it's been hard to even talk to Todd. It's been rough.

All of the aunts and uncles are starting to fight about what to do about Gram. It's the most bizarre thing in the world: one uncle wants to lay her out in state in the living room. That has to be the most bizarre thing that I have ever heard of. I'm just glad that I got something I wanted before she died, and before everyone else got to squabbling about it.

This is probably the fist moment of peace that I have gotten in a long time. It will be short-lived, trust me.

Someone needs to go grocery shopping. There hasn't been any food in the house for a while. I've been living off of Denny's, Dan's, Applebees, Subway, yogurt and granola, JD PIzza, and Lean Quisine. I ate five bowls of Resee's Peanut Butter Puffs today alone. I can't remember what I ate yesterday.

They think that I can't take care of myself, but I know when I am hungry, I know when I want to eat, I know how to stretch a dollar. But she won't let me go shopping. Just because she is too stressed to eat, doesn't mean that I am not. I am not running around all day, allowing myself to waste away.

Life, although the last two weeks have been very fulfilling, have also been very hard. I hope this hasn't been in vain.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Wednesday, July 17, 2002, 11.33p
Gram died tonight.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Wednesday, July 17, 2002, 7.30p
Had one of "those talks" with them. I thought that perhaps by talking to them actually, things might turn out different. At least my grounding was lightened to only one week (and I still might be allowed to see Todd).

But no, let me tell you: they still do the "stab you in the back" thing. It makes me crazy. It hurts a whole lot, it's hard to go through.

Again, only six weeks -- at the most.

There is some solace to be had, though. There is solace that my parents are, indeed, wrong: about a lot of things. Yes, there is comfort in that. That they aren't me, that they don't really know me, that they aren't really all that involved in my life. Yes, I am considering some of the things that they are saying. But they don't know me nearly as well as they think they do.

In the end, I will triumph. There is hope in that.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Sunday, July 14, 2002, 11.49a
I haven't got much to say, really. I've been presented with an interesting offer to be hosted by Shawn. I have to make a decision by tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to the decision. We'll see how it goes.

I finally got the laptop to connect to the Internet for the first time in four or five months. Since I got the new computer. I deserve payment, dammit.

Mom is freaking out totally, making me crazy. I just keep telling myself it's over in six months.

Can't think of anything else to say. Other than that I have to go out to Gramma's today. I guess she's literally on the last leg of her "celebration of life". For her sake, and for our family's sake; I wish that she would pass quietly and soon -- she doesn't deserve this. She lived so much better than for this to happen. Not this way. Please God, not this way.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Saturday, July 13, 2002, 1.13p
Yesterday was kind of a nice day. Chilled with Colin, Ben and Heather; who are becoming closer to me than anyone else (well, Todd too, but he wasn't there).

I find it to wierd to blog to Gary Jules' "Mad World" (thanks to Les for reccomending it, it's worth it). The song is so slow and so moody, that you feel suspended in time almost as you type each word.

My whole body has physically been torn to hell, or well on their way to it. My back is horribly burned from being out in the sun, my feet are torn to shreds from these crappy sandals I keep wearing because I refuse to put shoes and socks on in the summer. I stepped on Colin's smoldering cigarette and now have a honkin' blister on the bottom of my foot. Ain't nothin' like stepping on a smoldering cigarette...

Emotionally, I'm doing okay, not great, but not bad, either. My parents have been on my ass like you wouldn't believe, and I'm ready to punch my mom, I don't care. She's making me crazy -- she has this awful habit of taking out her anger, her aggression, her frustration on other people (me mostly, because of my contrary nature, and she knows it bothers me), and does it by sticking a knife in you and twisting it.

Six week: six weeks and I'm out.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Friday, July 12, 2002, 1.08a
I don't know how long this entry will be, I don't know how much I have to say.

My grandmother is dying. My gram. Gramma. She doesn't even look like Gram, really. She is Gram, and she isn't. She's lost a ton of weight, half of her face is paralyzed, but she still holds my hand. She is still my Gram.

My mother keeps claiming that this is a celebration of her life, but to me, it's not that at all. This isn't how she should die. She should die in her sleep, she should have just died in her sleep, not being stolen away with stroke after stroke that happens. This isn't a celebration of life, this is painfully and miserably watching her die. She doesn't want to go like this, regardless. How can I know that better than any of my family? Why do I know this better than any of my family.

I haven't grieved yet. I don't think that I am really going to cry at all. I don't cry publicly, and tonight was my opportunity. I didn't; I don't think that I ever will.

Fuck McDonalds, my stomach hurts like hell now. I'll write later.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Wednesday, July 10, 2002, 111.04a
It's been a long time since I've said anything on my blog, and a lot of things have happened. I'll write later, I think that I am going for a walk today.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Saturday, June 29, 2002, 6.25p
Patti's back! It's been what? five months?

Sheesh.

At any rate, welcome back, Patti! And please, visit her ParaPara site.

--

So the Indians traded Colon. Yeah, whatever, I don't care about sports.

But, if you're going to leave your country of destitution, to come to America to make millions of dollars a year to throw a ball really fast in a straight line, don't you think you'd bother to learn passable English?

Think on that.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Saturday, June 29, 2002, 5.02p
Hmm, what should I be doing?
Cleaning my room
organizing my closet
cleaning my des
doing my laundry
reading a book for my mind

What am I doing?

Talking with John on MSN messenger and sending him random pictures of myself.

Not too constructive am I?
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Saturday, June 29, 2002, 3.17p
As of recently, my grandmother had a stroke. She was entertaining guests, though, so they rushed her to the hospital. They caught in time, so there is only minor damage.

When she talks, she doesn't say the right words. Sometimes, it gets garbled, but for the most part, she just messes some of the words up. She's cognizant and everything, and she can move around, she just can't talk well.

I guess she fell last night, though. I haven't heard a lot of details. My mum and dad went out there to see her, they're spending the night.

Great, first (and most likely only) time they leave Ben and I overnight, and I'm too much of a wuss to do anything.

I'm whining, I better go.
The Dreaming V8 :: Real Love Is Forever Saturday, June 29, 2002, 2.55p
New layout, woo hoo!