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05-12-02 :: 10.04p
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For a long time, I entertained the idea that I couldn't grow up, that I wouldn't grow older, that the good, innocent times would never end. And sadly, they do: and I am growing up: the choices are harder, the paths are getting less and less traveled by.
It's un to start to get together a life outside of my parents: a life where I get to be in control of me. It's fun, but it's scary as hell.
I've been through the old neighborhood, in Euclid (my old section, other places are nice): where the houses are birdhouses set closely together, there is no yards, the neighborhoods are terrible. And it's easy to see how you could take a wrong turn, end up being a beautician for the rest of your life and living in a world of pink, blue and seafoam green, with flamingoes stuck all over.
But I've been through Bratenahl, where the houses are large and sprawling, and you can see how you can end up there. With mahogany paneling, with lead crystal glasses and china to eat on and a housekeeper. You can go to fancy places to eat at, go to the opera, and wake up the next day and not have to roll into work until noonish.
I'd rather live in Bratenahl, and eat off of fine china rather than search through the bargain bins at Big Lots, and eating TV dinners every night. ...Actually, I think everyone wants the Bratenahl life.
I can't watch MTV "Cribs" anymore. Nor the Madonna story on VH1.
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05-06-02 :: 5.11p
i remember
i would roll over
when you got in bed.
and we would make love.
and now
when you come home
smelling like a thousand
secret sins
i pretend to
not even wake up.
what happened, love?
when did you and I lose touch>
maybe it was me
trying to cage you
and you
not trying to know me.
maybe that's what happened.
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05-03-02 :: 10.33a
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I know that I haven't blogged lately. Bad Julia: no donut.
But hey, my guest blogger is doing a worse job than me.
Everything is just a rush to get everything done before graduating. I have to put the lit mag together today. It's not going to take much longer, but its taking longer than exoected.
It seems like neither parent is talking to me, now. How great. They pit one against the other.
It's very quiet right now, relatively speaking: I don't have the radio/tv talking to me, and no one is online to bother me. And Winamp is just humming away to itself, which, most of the time, it does not, because I sing along. Now, it's merely droning.
I have my Faith book, a Geology test to study for, and the magazine to put together. I think I can do it. :)
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04-23-02 :: 9.45p
I don't find myself particularly attractive. I just don't. And the whole sever acne thing? Yeah, that's not helping either. I've gotten tons of books on beauty and applying makeup and getting rid of blemishes and all that...
nothing works.
I don't know: I have lost a lot of faith in makeup making me look good, either. I can't afford to get good makeup, and the stuff that I do buy? It makes me look worse: I can't apply concealer right, I never have the right color foundation, my skin is all flakey, my eyeliner is never straight.... I just generally look crappy with makeup on, too.
I hate looking at beauty magazines. They make me feel ugly.
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04-23-02 :: 5.07p
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Tuesday This Or That
01. Is your mouse pad plain or decorated? I have Vincent van Gogh's "Self-Portrait" on my mousepad.
02. Do you own a web cam? Yes or no? Technically speaking, no. I own a digital that gets abused as a webcam.
03. Which do you do use more often online: email or search? Email, but I IM like a mutherluving bastard.
04. Do you use HTML coding, WYSIWYG editor, or something else to create your web pages? I code everything by hand, which is why my site looks so dumpy.
05. Do you forward chain emails? God no, and I wish that people would stop sending them to me.
06. Do you forward those mushy stories that take 20 minutes to read? No, they're farking stupid.
07. How large is your monitor: 14", larger, or smaller? 21", it's brand new and I love it!!
08. Do you have a mouse with a scroller, one with two buttons, one with three? It's a two-button, with the intelli-rolly-thingy on it. For my art and graphic design, I would sell my soul for a stylus mouse.
09. Do you listen to music while surfing the web? When I get home from school, I listen to Opie and Anthony until they get finished, and then I listen to MP3s until I get off the computer
10. How often do you clear your cookies, or cache? My computer is programmed to do it every 20 days.
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04-21-02 :: 9.00p
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This weekend has been really interesting/sad/thought-provoking, if anything.
My stomach and head have been bothering me for the past couple of days. I eat everything in sight, and I can't get over being really nauseated all the time --
No, I'm not pregnant.
I just feel really crappy altogether. And my relationships with people are falling apart again. I've managed to place myself back in my little Julia box of people not knowing me, not caring about me, no one knows who I am, blah, blah, blah...
And I have been heavily relying on one person to hold my emotional hand. I've gotten over it, but I mean, it's sick that I do that. I hate myself when I do that. ...Anyway, it just seems like he's avoiding me...
Talk about a stroke of luck...
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04-20-02 :: 1.10p
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I'm going to admit something to everyone: deep down, I am such a country girl. I love "Sweet Home Alabama," the smell of leather, Garth Brooks, Lorrie Morgan, chaps and have this odd affinity for turqouise.
I can't help it. I'm listening to Lynard Skynard right now, and Richmond Mall is having this...biker expo; and when I saw the leather shops all set up...I melted. I went over and fondled all the fringe, silver, and buried my face in the smell.
And the thing is: I like it. I don't want to change this country girl in me.
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04-20-02 (oh hush, I ain't celebratin') :: 12.05p
I cannot save you...
I can't even save myself.
So just save yourself.
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04-19-02 :: 2.23p
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friday five
1. What's your favorite TV show and why? Of all time? It would most definitely have to be "The X-Files" seasons 1-6...after that ::sigh:: all good things have to come to an end. If I could, I would buy the eps on DVD.
2. Who is your favorite television star? James Marsters, by far. I love that man! Not only is he hot, he's really good at playing multi-faceted characters. ...Okay, and I totally want to jump him.
3. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Sesame Street, totally; and Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers, and then, finally the early Batman: The Animated Series.
4. What show do you think should have been cancelled by now? Half of FOX (especially Greg the Bunny, Andry Richter COntrols the Universe, and That (terribly awful) 80s show), half of the WB, and just about everything on MTV.
5. What new show do you hope escapes the axe this season? Greg the Bunny and That 80s Show; they smell so bad, I can detect the carasses on other channels!!
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04-18-02 :: 6.19p
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I finally got my picture put up at The Eye Project, so if you want to go see my personal peeper, click this link and get close up and personal.
In other news; fundraising is a royal bitch. I really thought that I would be able to sell 40 candy bars in one sitting -- the Gulich house.
Turns out, Gulich has to see a bazillion bars of his own!! Talk about unlucky lottery.
And TOdd is trying to bring his candy to parleigh onto my family. Ain't happening!
In fundraising, baby, it's every man for himself.
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04-17-02 :: 6.19p
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Let me tell you, I have discovered the most fantastic, convinient, and tasty dinner that you could ever have. And the little lovely goes by the name Easy Mac.
I really thought that they were joking me when you could cook noodles in the microwave. But it works!! Really! Al dente and everything. It's fantastic.
And they com in handy one-serving packs, which is awesome, because that's about all I will eat out of a whole pot of mac 'n' cheese; I hate it when the cheese congeals and isn't creamy. This keeps me from wating time/money/mac.
This is too cool. I have to spread the news.
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04-16-02 :: 5.27p
Tuesday This Or That, from anon
01. Do you eat food if it hits the floor? It depends, floor germs don't really bother me.
02. Chinese food or Italian? Oh man, that's really tough; I would have to say Chinese, because I love sushi and China Buffet. Yeah, I'm going to have to say Chinese.
03. Ice cream or yogurt? Popsicles.
04. Do you eat breakfast? Yes or no? Um, if I do eat breakfast, I will eat the crappiest thing in the world, like a bag of chips, and always a Coke.
05. Have you ever eaten a bug? Yes or no? Yes, chocolate covered ants are tasty.
06. Soft drink from a can, bottle, or glass? Prefferably, a glass with ice, deliver to me by a man named Juan on a sunny beach. But I drink it out of a bottle at school.
07. Do you consume 5 fruits and vegetables a day? Lately, actually, yes.
08. Apple or orange? Apples and chunky peanut butter.
09. Pork rinds or sardines? Smoked, Canned oysters.
10. Caviar or grits? Caviar, times a billion.
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04-15-02 :: 11.09p
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I hurt so much right now. I would give anything to make the pain stop. I would give anything to rewind the days to two weeks ago. Things were great then. I'm in so much pain now.
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04-15-02 :: 6.12p
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Life is painful sometimes, and I used to want to compartmentalize it. I wanted everyone to fit in the slots that I made for them. It doesn't work out that way.
I'll listen to a song that reminds me of him.
I like the way he smells.
I like the way he treats me.
I like the dynamics of our relationship.
Things sometimes are just easier this way.
Things sometimes are just harder this way.
My world is odd. Please someone tell me your life is as wierd in the same way as mine.
Today is my 22 month anniversary.
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04-14-02 :: 10.07p
 | You are Don Juan From "Don Juan De Marco."
Woobaby! You are Don Juan - dark and handsome, and the world's greatest lover. Some people find you to be a bit insane (or is that insanely sexy?). While you may not be playing with all 52 cards, don't let that get you down - you're a true romantic at heart. |
Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!
link via skye
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04-14-02 :: 6.55p
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I got this picture in my email from a good friend / webmistreses extrodinaire Kitty. Aparantly, I rock her socks. :)
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04-14-02 :: 03:24 p.m.
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I don't care, socially what people think of me. If you don't like me, whatever. I don't care.
But being attached to someone who does...is hard. It can weigh you down sometimes.
All I want to do is live, I don't want to have to deal with this shit. I am who I am.
Get over it.
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04-14-02 :: 12.44p
You are Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. You govern a woman's enjoyment of love and beauty, sexuality, and you want to fufill both creative and procreative functions.
and
You are Athena, the goddess of wisdom and craft. You are a logical, self-assured woman who is ruled by her head rather than her heart.
I guess it all depends on my mood.
If I were a wine I would be...
This quiz was created by Krazy K. Take it here!
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04-14-02 :: 12.49a
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The dynamics of the whole relationship is wierd. Like something out of my novel. I kinda like it.
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04-13-02 :: 9.59a
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I had a dream last night that I was trying to have sex with Greg (a hot guy I met at Canisius); who looked similar Todd, but was my 16-year-old cousin.
I really need to control myself.
which children's storybook character are you?
this quiz was made by colleen
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04-12-02 :: 8.29a
friday five:
1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? I like Denny's: I like the atmosphere, the prices, and the food is pretty decent.
2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? I should say McDonald's, because Todd-wadd is watching, but I would have to say that I love Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.
3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? I will tip anyone a little bit, I mean, even if they are assholes, it's probably because people don't tip them. If the food and service was good, I throw down what looks like enough for a tip.
4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? Are you joking?! I can barely get through the actual meal, there is no way that I can have an appetizer and/or dessert.
5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Coke. I live on that stuff. And Pepsi, begrudgingly if they don't have Coke.
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04-12-02 :: 12.49p
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Too Many Nights
It's been
too many nights
of being with
to now be suddenly
without
-- Jewel Kilcher
I love this poem. I have no trauma in my life right now to want to express it this way. It's just a good poem.
Maybe this can do with sleep. I haven't really been sleeping much lately. It makes me...tired.
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04-10-02 :: 8.09p
Are you a ho? Find out @ She's Crafty
thank god, because I was dying to be told what I already know. But hey, I'm portrayed by Jewel!!
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04-09-02 :: 7.25p
Find your inner donut.
Okay, yeah, the personality is right on target. But that makes me a ... chocolate donut?
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04-08-02 :: 4.36p
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Yesterday, while doing the Clean Sweep Spring 2002 in my room, I decided that I was going to clean out my makup brushes. The powder brush hadn't been cleaned in over a year, and the eyeshadow brushes bought in December needed cleaning.
When I took the powder brush out of the cup I used to clean it in, the water and soap looked like thick Columbian coffee with a lot of milk in it. I was kind of shocked.
I just hope that my makeup goes on a lot smoother now.
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04-07-02 :: 8.54p
Here is an excerpt from my latest Colorgenics profile:
It's the old old story - I am misunderstood - my partner (be it in your private life or in business) just doesn't understand me and YOU also believe at this time that you are being completely MISUNDERSTOOD by one and all. It then obviously follows that you naturally feel inhibited and not appreciated. It is perhaps because of this belief that you feel compelled to stand back and let the rest of the world go by. As for developing a firm relationship - inwardly deep down in your subconscious mind you are wary of even trying to get close to another person because you feel that if you open up your heart and feelings you are sure to get hurt. Since you are living in a society where close relationships are the norm, you feel that there is that need to conform, but any close relationships of any magnitude that you may have tried in the past have unfortunately left you without any sense of emotional involvement.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
It's scary as hell how right these damn things are.
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06-07-02 :: 5.36p
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The longer that I have had this site, or at least, kept a weblog, the better I have gotten at it, the more I like it, and the more ideas that I have.
I have to admit that the blog looks sleeker, and more professional than it used to. And to think, Patti had to agonize over teaching me HTML, I can pretty much whip it out like nobody's business.
I'm thinking about joining The Mirror Project as well as The Sex Project, but I don't think that my picture will be as crass as two guys crabbing fully-clothed crotches. I was thinking something along the lines of licking my lips tempestuously. Who knows? I promise that I will link when I get something set up.
My dad got me a new (well, new to me) camera to take pictures with. At least with this little obsession of mine, my dad will pay for all of my film and my paper. Which, is nice; I can appreciate that.
I'm becoming addicted to Ilchester cheese, which is chedder with ale and spices cooked (?) into it. The taste at first is really abrupt and sour, and unsettling, but adter, the acute flavor becomes terribly addicting. And at a pound, I figure that I should fish the damn wedge, you know?
Still have Geology homework to do. I don't feel any real trepidation at having to go back to school. I just don't want to go to mass tonight. Blech. I'm not in the mood to feign religiousness.
I'm so glad that my artist streak is re-asserting itself.
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04-06-02 :: 7.11p
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It's alwas terribly inconvenient for me to get depressed. Any time I do, someone else needs me more than I must need them.
I wish someone would hold me.
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04-06-02 :: 4.47p
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I'm home, vacation was too short. God. damn.
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