I need time to think.
If there were any saviors to the night, I got to say "hello" to Cameron Wick, the kid I loved from third to eighth grade, and I didn't feel like a dolt. That was good resolution for me, I needed that: needed him to see me as not just Pathertically Dorky!Julia, and Grown Up, More Self-Assured (Hot)!Julia. I don't really know if he really remembered who I was, but it was nice to finally be able to talk to him, without feeling like was going to make fun of me.... He put on some pounds, though...not nearly as sleek and chiseled as the Cameron I fell in love with; I ended up with the better deal of having Todd in the end.
It was Todd's and my 18-month anniversary, so that was a nice way to celebrate it...but I didn't feel in the mood...dances put me in a shitty mood...ever since the Fall Fling Fiasco.
But I got to be a bitch to Guy I'm Not Fond Of...cold, insincere, calculated: they way I like it. I only got to say two words, but it was nice, anyway.
They didn't play any good songs at the dance...I wanted to hear michelle Branch, "Goodbye to You," and some hard rock. It was rap...all fucking night. I don't care what people think of me, but I hate rap...I think it sucks.
Other than that, I'm wondering about my happy-meter, and whether it might be slighly akilter: do I look to be sad at social funcions, and am I making too big of a deal out of things. I don't know.
Now, I'm just waiting for John to get online, so I can while and virtual weep on his shoulder.
The other thing that made me insane is that this Snoot peches her fat ass and oversized cart vertically in the aisle, making it impossible for me to pass. She gives me this awfully sour look when I bumb the cart, trying to pass. At this point, I'd had it up to here with the screaming Aisle 4A girl, the Snoot who jumped in front of me, and the Soot taking things out of my cart, so I did what came naturally, I chomped her head off. I pactically screamed, "Well, you know what, you stupid bint: this wouldn't happen if you weren't in the middle of the goddammed aisle! So you if you don't want to be bumped, MOVE!!"
She looked really pissed off with me, but really scared I was going to throw the creamed soda I had in my hand at her. So she made a point to be passive-aggressive and shuffled away, cart in tow.
So, here's what I have planned for Christmas Ball / Todd's and My 18-month Anniversary:
I'm cooking everything. I'm starting my day at like, 6:30, and I'll finish my day by like....1 AM. Whoopie me.
To Do List
Isn't my lack of confidence just thrilling? I'm actually eally depressed about it: it does nothing fo my acne-face self-confidence issues. I want for once,
And Heahter and I are making the same theme layout...I'm really depressed. I cried about it earlier.
I hate trig: it sucks. It can kiss my ass -- I have no clue what we are doing, and I don't care to learn. Actually, I basically have total apathy for everything in school right now. I just feel like I am waiting for something...better to come along, and it never really does.
I piss away so much time on the internet, that it is to my deepest chagrin that my parents ever got it. No, I can handle the internet, it's just fucking AIM that's a stone bitch, and always calls to me. I meant to get on the internet just now and not go on AIM, because I have other things to do, but it didn't work out that way, because Todd online. And I'm not in the best mood, and I don't feel like talking to him or anyone right now.
Culinary Arts is also starting to suck royal, too: there are four people in this one group who just constantly piss me and everyone else in the class off. They don't pick up after themselves, they don't do dishes, they say that their dirty dishes are everyone elses, they count how many peices of food their are so it gets "doled out equally", they hover around the food so they can get first dibs, and they take more than allowed for themselves. Just today, I brought in a chair for the demos, I
Which, first of all, folks, is a fucking lie: I watched her bring a chair from the table in the kitchen, which she still had to drag twenty feet into the general area. And second, you sat your fat ass in it, you took my chair and excluded me and then leave me to clean up after you?! I don't fucking think so!
It's bitches like that that make me hate everyone! So thank you, Delores, for giving me a general apathy for the entire human race. So if you are mad at me because I snap at you, blame fuckheads like Delores.
We rolled in the leaves
He's gone now,
You said it would be easy
Now I'm left with nothing more
So what am I supposed to do
So what am I supposed to do
Funny, how I call and call
But God, there's no one there
I am warning you now, my "r" key is on the fritz, and I'm not huge on spell-checking, so some words that look goofy are probably just missing an "r".
Todd and I were fighting again today, which I think does it for our monthly argument. We fight around the same time as my hormones start to rage. I hate to think that the only reason why Todd and I will end up hating each other is because of PMS.
But right now, I don't know what to say about Todd. Things right now are amicable, so I'm not going to get him all freaked out with this entry. I'm just saying that things are on a petty thin line, and we'll see what happens.
I thought that having the Internet at home would make it easier for me to blog, but no, it just makes it easier for me to piss away all of my time. What a waste of a cable modem. Jeezis.
I'm going to have to make a grocery list, seeing as my lazy-ass mother won't buy anything when she is there. She spent thirty dollars and bought a) one gallon of milk, b) bacon (two packages), and c)processed American cheese. And she tells me this, all indignant that I won't eat bacon in milk stew with melted cheese on it, and I'm thinking, "Goddamn, that must have been some expensive bacon."
To quote Ayu Love: my life. is a mess.
Last night Cassandra* [name changed by personal request] and I went out shopping at Southgate mall. It was nice; there was one part of the evening that went down in the GAP that cpuld have been avoided with some Kleenex.... But, that's okay, seeing as when I did end up retelling the story, I was laughing fiarly hysterically at the whole situation. You just have to wipe it off and keep on going.
So, Cass and I are looking at dresses, through dresses, for dresses. I didn't notice little things about her: she tends to talk to herself, or just out loud, to be heard. This is interesting to me, becuase I tend to mutter to myself randomly at times...it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who does this. BUt honest to God, we saw a cream-colored dress that would look like something Jewel would wear on stage, and I took a look at the price -- $579! I'm surprised they don't have an EEG and a defibrullator in the back of that damn store for people like me who can't believe that the economy is in recession with dress prices like these.
I got dragged into Abercrombie & Fitch (ick, double ick), and took a good look at the pants that Cassandra thought was really cool. I could so do that for $45 dollars less; and I think that I am. Cassandra really wants these pants, and I don't want to see "A&F" any where on her body, so I'd break my neck to make sure that it didn't happen. The only thing that might be an issue is the eyelets and getting a superlong peice of leather. ...Oh well, there are 23 days until Christmas, I have tiiiiime....
Onto other news...
Okay, so, I have frequented plays a lot lately, having wrked Beaumont's production, and seeing I Hate Hamlet; go figure that I have a dream involving a play
...and cheating in my boyfriend...
But no: I was watching/in/working this play, and a guy was in the play...whom I have been having issues with (in the dream). So, I go backstage to confront him, and I start kissing him. Telling him to stop, I ask, "What about you girlfriend?" And he pulls back the curtain, and she's completely making out with his best friend / brother. So then I'm like, "Oh...okay."
I should no longer be permitted to dream, they simply all turn out badly.
Okay, back to thr trig homework that last night took me 5 hours to get through 40 problems. ...And I cain't wait to see what's in store for me later.
I went to bed a 3:30, and woke up at ten. Fuck everything.
I don't even feeling like showering: hygeine is such a damned tedium...
Stop laughing, I'm not even kidding. I'll refrain from using names to spare the idiotic. But...GODdamn!
So, after spending 5 to 8 with Todd and my family, I came upstairs to do my homework, only realizing that it is in my locker, doing me NO good whatsoever. I have a reading at the prayer service tomorrow, in which I have to use my Spanish pronunciation, or really complicated Latino names. And I left it at fucking school. That really blows.
Oh, and my spanish teacher has been haranging me about my pronunciation in class, making me say things over and over and over again until I "get it right." Well, she comes up to me today after class and asks, "You have the best pronunciation in the class, besides Carla (a native Chilean, and I hold nothing agains her, she's too adorable!); would you like to do a reading?" And I'm like, "Ha! I knew I knew how to speak this language!"
Marie got a huge kick out of it, too; now she knows that my teacher just likes to harass me. Not that I hold it against her, I just get frustrated with her. Grr.
Okay, back to the grindstone. I hate my job.
Today, the juniors and seniors went to see, I Hate Hamlet, which was the best play that I have ever been to at Beaumont in all three years that I was there. I think that it was a nice way to end out my play experience...though I have to say that seeing Twelfth Night was pretty good, too.
Well, for the past three days, I have been working on my Spike CD, "Love's Bitch," here are a couple of tracks:
Well, the whole CD makes sense when it is all strung together with the wav files. You'll see...
I've been really sad all day, thinking about college and leaving Todd and all that. I don't want to go, but I am dying to leave. I'm the type of person to be paralyzed by fear of change, and I don't want to live out the rest of senior year in paralyzed fear of leaving for college. The main thing that I am frightened of is being so far away from Todd: I need him in my life like I need blood in my veins and air in my lungs. And, as much as I wish that he could be so much more for me, I love him so much, I care for him so much...and statistically, highschool sweethearts don't work out.
I need him like the blood in my veins...
---
I worry seriously that having the Internet in my room is a huge distraction. It's nice having it for quick notes on tests, and getting sources for my little "projects," but I piss away more time than I am productive on it. I need a study nook, and not just a crowded-ass desk with little space to do my homework. But I want a lot of things, and don't get them either.
I'm scared of a lot of things right now: the draft and Todd, Afganistan, Osamma bin Laden. That sort of thing.
People wonder that we are being to cruel to the Taliban, but they're no sweethearts: they killed a CIA agent by beating, kicking, and biting him to death. And then, they booby-trapped his body that the Americans couldn't get it and give it back to the family for a burial. Frankly, I think that the Taliban deserves all the cruel behavior that we are giving them, because a relatively-painless death by a bomb are so much easier than being anethetized in front of a crowd of cheering people and having your hands and feet removed. .
I think it is funny that Americans think that lethal injection (in veterinary terms, it's "putting [it] to sleep") is cruel when someone can buy off their punishment and have the Taliban torture and murder someone innocent for your wrongs.
Why are humans so cruel to one another? Why is there programming in our brains that says, "Hurt. Kill. Maim. Torture. Rape. Destroy. Pillage. Burn." I cannot believe truly in the "divine nature" of human beings when people can rejoice in the destruction of another.
This world, if I could draw it, would be an angry black scribble on fresh, pure, new, delicate vellum.
Poor Toddish: first, his great grandma dies (Tuesday), and then his great-aunt dies a couple of days later. ::pets Todd's head:: Poor little monkey.
Okay, after nine days worth of vacation/sickdays, I'm not ready to go back to the daily grind. It's ugly and dirty work, and I don't want to do it. I'm so far behind in Triginometry, it's sick; I haven't done a lot of the work, beccause I don't know what I am doing. Piddles, I'm going to have to call Sam and ask how to do all of my stuff.
Okay, I can't think of anything else to write, so I'll mosey on along ... listening to my Spike CD!
It's time to soak in some Cable Internet, Cable TV, make a grocery list for my day off tomorrow, and wait for Todd to call. He says that there is something big going on in the family -- I hope this doesn't mean that he is moving to Kalamazoo or spending the entire summer in Italy. I would really have to kill myself.
Ou Revior
I also checked out Emote to see my personal flavor. I'm pink grapefruit:
It's me, but it isn't: I'd much rather be mocha:
Here's some of my vacation packing list:
This is a partial transcript of the conversation that Skye and I had earlier today:
TrekPhile47: Do you know secretly what I want?
FrgOnCrck: Yea?
TrekPhile47: That none of this bad shit ever happened between me and Lauren. It's too tiring...and not worth the effort.
TrekPhile47: I like talking to you...my real life relationships suck for the most part.
FrgOnCrck: ::pats you in the back:: Real life is like that.
FrgOnCrck: But I guess it's what has made us grown up.
FrgOnCrck: If we don't deal with shitty situations, we're going to be the shitty performers.
TrekPhile47: I don't feel very grown up. I used to think that I was; for a long time, I thought that I was a lot more mature than other people. But I look at other people, like you, and my friends Jones and Skeets, and I feel so...small.
FrgOnCrck: I'm the most immature little whore you can ever find, Julia.
FrgOnCrck: You're a lot more mature than me.
TrekPhile47: You don't act like it. and I think that's right what it comes down to: performance. I think I act retarted around a lot of people.
TrekPhile47: It's...embarrassing in hindsight.
FrgOnCrck: I don't act like it because... well, I'm a kid playing grown up. That's just about all I can do.
[Section Deleted]
TrekPhile47: I get retrospective. I've felt wierd for a long time...I've had to take a step back and look at a lot of my relationships.
FrgOnCrck: What have you got to look at?
TrekPhile47: Just who I've made friends with, and the "friends" that I do have. I want so much more out of my friends that a laugh-a-minute hilarty.
TrekPhile47: I never get the chance to prove that I am intelligent.
FrgOnCrck: You don't have to. I think your intelligence shines right through you.
FrgOnCrck: Julia, you have to believe that you are indeed a beautiful and intelligent person.
TrekPhile47: Thanks...you're one of the few people that I can at least show who I really am to.
Christmas Ball was last night...I had a decent time: it wasn't fabulous. Dances make me sad, for whatever reason; I always feel so alone because I can't wedge myself into a group of people, interrupt their coversation and hold their attention for an indeterminate amount of time. I can do that, but then, they realize what a loser I am and move on. I also dislike the goup mentality at dances with a collective IQ of about 70.
I hate the Heinens (grocery store) where I live: it's the one closest to Shaker Heights and the Orthodox temples -- therefore, all the snoots and Orthodox Jewish people are there. I don't even have a poblem with the Jewish people -- other than they tend to take up an entire aisle when they're shopping; its the fooking Snoots that I hate. They're rude little shits: I'll go to move my cart forward, and one of them will jump in front of the damn thing to grab whatver thing they want, and risk me running them down. Hey, if it's the soy milk you want, sweetheart, you can have it!
1. Buy red hair dye.
2. Get my hair trimmed (yup, finally giving in).
3. Paint toenails.
4. Dye hair on Friday.
5. Start chopping everything and pre-cook chicken Friday night.
6. Wash hair Friday night.
7. Get up, take a shower: shave, lather, rinse, repeat, moisturize.
8. Work on eyebrows and choose makeup colors.
9. Mousse hair, heath curling iron/rolls
10. Put on makeup/do hair.
11. Set the table with the nice china.
12. Cook the food, set it out.
13. Dress for success!
14. Buy dance bids.
I'm talking to a good friend who is on student council, and she counted the votes for cout for Winter Formal. I didn't get in, naturally. I didn't even make it into the second-tier nominees. But, people did vote for me I guess...I'm assuming that it's four:
I've had a phenomenally bad week: I have no money, I have los of wants, people are shitfucks, I hate trig...
And Delores [name changed] said, after getting up out of one of the chairs, (probably mine), "Well, I didn't bring a chair in...."
I have a ratty old t-shirt
That used to smell like him.
like little kids.
I don't remember
what he smells like anymore.
I Call
and that I wouldn't have to worry.
You made it sound so simple.
Funny, how in the end I got screwed.
than broken shards of life;
the only things that you have left
for me are empty truths and lost promises.
When I all can do is call
And ask if you're around,
So that maybe I can find out
where I dropped my soul,
and see if it's really stuck to your shoe.
when I call your house
and no one's there to answer
or there to hear me cry?
And no one's there to answer.
I should have just said no
when you asked me first to dance.
when I call and call.
How am I supposed to cry
When you didn't even care?
It's late at night, and I have late arrival tomorrow morning, so every thing works out all peachy.
Since it is noon on a Sunday morning, I figure that I'll blog and waste even more time, in a plot to not do my trig homeowrk!
Urg. I'm seriously hating the seniors that joined literary magazine just to put it on their college resumes right now. Someone came up to me and was like, "Can I be co-editor? And not do any work? [uh-hyuk]"
Tomorrow is my dad's birthday: I bought him a piggy bank with white spots on it. He loves piggies. Todd will be coming over for dinner that night, so it should mean that he and I get some hugging and holding time in.
Sarah McL:achlin, "Building a Mystery"
The Cure, "Burn"
Bif Naked, "Lucky Ones"
Dido, "Hunter"
Filter, "Take a Picture"
Fuel, "Bad Day"
Third Eye Blnd, "How's It Gonna Be"....
Well, I finally finished micing my "Love's Bitch" CD; my CD about Spike. I'm giving it the final turntable test. Some little hitches, but I'm taking notes, so it should be on the up-and-up by this weekend. ::squeals with glee::
I've been home for about an hour now, and the trip really, really sucked. I can't even begin to tell you how bad it was.
I miss Todd already. I don't know if I want to go on vacation now, all the rules have changed.
Well, umm, I think I did a bad thing and watched this spoiler. I think I ruined my relationsip with Todd: my obsessions get the better of me sometimes. ::hugs Todd:: Just kidding, baby! Thanks so much to GeekMystique for making my life so much more fulfilled!
Name :: Julia
Age :: 17
Self Description :: "If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die; but real love is forever."
Deconstructing Julia
@hotmail
@juno
@school
@AIM
Ben @Through the Night
Emrys @Love, Death ...Avoid It
Heather H. @Dooce.com
Heather T. @Come With Me
Isaac @Journey Through Life
Patti @Beyond Her Heart
Skye @Dead Rotten
Leslie @Scopophilia
Megg @Quiddity
Olivia @Red Head
Snob Hair @pitas
Ayu Love
GeekMystique
Twelve% Beer
Wil Wheaton
The Brunghing Shuttlecocks
Disenchanted Kingdom
EwanSpotting
God Awful Fan Fiction
Pure Art
Writer's University
Picture This
Bloody Awful Poet Society
James Marsters [dot] Com
Spike Spotting [dot] com
Got Spike?
Chips Ahoy!
