I know what I want to talk about, but I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it, I don't know how to touch the bases of it without getting some people seriously touchy or indignant.

I can only assure you that what I speak is the truth; I'm not lying to you, or trying to mislead anyone. I'll also tell you it's a matter of the heart -- or a once-was matter of the heart. I know that if I stick to my honesty and my feelings, my truest feelings as integral to me -- I cannot be persecuted. And if I am, than it's for my character and not for falsehoods that I made.

The Boy and I made an agreement: it's okay for me to reminisce about the "good old days" when Old Colin was still making me laugh and feel special and appreciated and a goddess; and it's okay for him to talk about Kappa Sigma before [Tubby Bitch] went all protective apeshit and jealous on him. So here I am.

Here I am. Colin, if you are reading this (and you may, or may not be); know that I am writing this out of my best intentions, and anthing that might sound maligning is not meant to be.

There was a time when I genuinely and honestly and truely loved Colin, and I assume that he felt the same for me. There were so many things about him that were attractive to me, and I clung to those qualities. There was all sorts of newness and excitement in him that I couldn't stay away; things that I figured I would probably regret if I just let him swim away like so many other missed opportunities I had let go.

And I can't helpo but feel like something is being washed from me. Right now. Thinking these things. Writing these words.

I understand that I threw away many things to be with Colin, but I try not to look at it with any sort of remorse or regret. I can't think that I ruined a lot of my relationships just to be with him. There are definitely two that I know of that were indelibly ruined because of it, but I'm atoning for those, too.

I just did what I thought I needed to do at the time. And I stood fiercely by that idea. Even then, I clung to my fiercest belief that everyone was wrong.

And yes, to this day, even though I destroyed my relationship with Todd; I still think that my parents have had a deeper hand in destroying my relationship with them then I did.

I wish I knew how to even approach this.

I could only hope that my parents would have transcended whatever predjudices they had in their mind and accept the fact that I loved someone they didn't approve of, even though they only knew after the fact. Only in a perfect world, I guess does this happen. Not in mine. That's not what happened. There are so many things that I wish I could say...

I'm trapped in my own body around them. I live this horrible double-life. A life I've lived from day one of Colin, and probably will until the day I graduate college and move out of the house. I feel like I will never grow up because they tell me that I will never grow up. I walk on eggshells all the time, and second-guess myself.

I don't write these words out of malice, or anger. Just a deep sadness and a lack of understanding. In trying to protect me from getting hurt, I haven't earned the hide that I need to to survive "out there" -- whatever or wherever "out there" may be. I don't have the life experience that most of my peers have, and probably won't get it until later. I have booksmarts, and they have streetsmarts. And for that, I am insanely jealous.

I don't even know how to say these things to my parents. After "The Incident", I've been left to feel like a pig. I was told I was a pig, that I was a slut. My mother told me that she didn't want me around her friends, because she was ashamed of me. My father said that anything that I said in my defense was placating.

And since then, I have given up. I've relinquished in so many ways. Where I once would have thought of voicing my own opinion and becoming something other than what my parents intended for me; I just parrot what they want me to. I feel horribly incomplete, I feel horribly constricted. I feel horribly imperfect, immoral, and inhuman. ...I cannot believe that this is what my parents wanted for me either.

Maybe one day, I'll be able to stand again. Maybe I'll have the courage to be who I am, to say what I really feel, without the fear of being punished by my parents. ..Maybe they want me to fogrive them for the things that they said to me during "The Incident," but they have made no vocal or written pleas to that, so I don't know. I don't know if I could forgive them for that, either.

There are just so many things that I wish that I could understand. And I won't. I probably never will.

Love it not forever. I try to think so, but I'm not so sure. I'm afraid to make declarations of love now, to my boyfriend, without fearing/knowing that they may very well go sour without me realizing it.

And I know that he didn't mean it, but Colin has left that open wound on my heart. It came out of the blue.

I went to the tobacco store today. Another thing that my parents have mentioned I have not lived up to their expectations to. Izmir Stingers. "A sophisticated smoke that's sweet and tart; this cigarette goes nicely with any highball or your favorite shot."

I don't know about highballs, and I can't taste the sweet nor the tart. But I can smell Colin, and remember the smell of him smoking them. And because there are small parts of my brain that don't let go, I but a pack.

I remember. I wouldn't go back, but I remember.

Maybe one day, I'll grow the spine I've always wanted. Until them, a pack of Izmir Stingers spend themselves slowly between my fingers; smoke rising and ash falling.