04-05-02 >> 11.41p
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Gulich, you are a bad guest blogger.
No biscuit.
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03-30-02 >> 11p
I will be on vacation until Friday. When I come back, I will work on a new layout, until then...
oggle gulich and boyfriend
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03-28-02 >> 11.52p
gulich
boyfriend
moi
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03-28-02 >> 11.43p
my new boots
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03-28-02 >> 11.02p
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I visited Ashland, today. I'm excited. Seeing as it is too expensive to go to Canisius, I might as well get excited about other places. I'm actually really pleased with Ashland: it has a lot of things that I like, especially that you can't drink on campus. I want to think about school at school and drinking at bars. But I can smoke, so it's still all good.
I am ready to move out. I have had it here.
I am resentful of my parents for a lot of reasons. I am resentful that the didn't let me grow up, or properly equip me for decision-making. True, a lot of the decisions that I made, I had to make and learn behind my parents back. And I don't think that I will tell them about a lot of it.
I had to do a lot of growing up on my own, I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. Which, I guess, is the only way to learn a lot of life lessons.
But I am not close to my parents, just because I don't like what they have to say, because I am radically different than what they raised me to be. I don't take a lot of problems to them, because they don't ususally have anything constructive to say about anything. I stopped talking to them about my relationship with Boyfriend, and let's not even go trying to explain Gulich. My parents didn't want me to talk to John for the longest time, because they were convinced he was going to rape me, so I just stopped talking about him to them, and they have forgotten who he is. Good.
I am a grown-up in a lot of ways: I have learned to deal with a lot of things...and I am ready to not live with my parents. It's silly, but piercings are kind of the facade for the entire thing.
It's all about me making choices. I have wanted to get my ears pierced again...and the rents are anti that. (Besides being anti-anything I want to do). It's silly: I ask, "Why can't I get my ears pierced?" Because I am looking for a reason, something tangible that I can hold on to.
And the answer, honest to God, every time is, "When you are paying your own rent, you can do whatever you want."
Well, I was planning on it -- but that doesn't answer my question.
I wouldn't be surprised, if when I am living in college, they tell me that I can't get my ears pierced because they are paying my tuition.
Mark my words people, this is what is going to happen.
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03-26-02 >> 9.42p
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I got this magic-wand thing for my birthday from my confirmation sponsor, and longtime family friend.
It's not like a Harry Potter magic wand, but a plush star on the top, and a fuzzy handle, and it has ribbon and little dingle-bells on it. It's very cute.
I want so badly to believe in it. To believe in magic again: to wrap myself up into the magical cocoon and tell myself that I can just hide from all of the responsibility that comes with life. I would simply just rather be happy, which is harder for people than it is to win the lottery.
I just want to believe that I can hide. I want to believe. I want to be happy.
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03-26-02 >> 8.05p
Which Jewel song are you most like? Find out!
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03-26-02 >> 10.48a
| You are Hobbes!You're a bit too mellow to be an incarnation of Calvin, but you're still his best pal. You don't mind having fun, though, and enjoy playing tricks on your friends when they least expect it.
Take the What Calvin are You? Quiz by contessina_2000@yahoo.com! |
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03-24-02 >> 6.18p
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I'm really depressed. I'm sick of being home-bound. I want to go out, shopping, having fun, drinking slurpees, driving and talking.
I didn't get to do any of that this weekend. I wish that I had. I don't want to go on vacation next weekend.
Whenever my family and I go on vacation, I always end up completely miserable. I am not comfortable with my family...at all. And if my brother is right about my aunt Wendy...God help us.
This is my last quarter. I am even more sad. I don't want to go away. At all. It's too close, too real. I could hide from it at the beginning of the year. I can't anymore.
I wish that I hadn't gotten sick.
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03-24-02 >> 12.11p
I'm gonna sing the doom song now! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom Doom! Doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom! Doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom! The end! Oh wha's that?
Take the Invader Zim quiz!
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03-23-02 >> 9.45p
take free enneagram test
Gulich needs to take this test too. Then we can be really sure of how alike we are.
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03-23-02 >> 8.38p
TrekPhile47: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....the stomping on suitcases song. personal jesus
Foxx832001: LOL
TrekPhile47: lets go stomp on suitcases and make our own song and band. we'll call it the boobs fanclub band
Foxx832001: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
TrekPhile47: and have the monstrously large inflatable knockers that we'll wear on stage. and our no. 1 hit song will be called "Duh"
Foxx832001: *rotflol*
TrekPhile47: but we'll get to stomp on suitcases. and dammit, that's what matters. and if we're lucky, we might even get paid for it.
Foxx832001: LOL
TrekPhile47: the boobs will lure them in. the suitcase stomping madness will keep them in
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03-23-02 >> 6.51p
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I am annoyed with Britney Spears.
Not because she's a hoochie mama...okay, a little bit.
Not because she's a "virgin"...okay, she's not.
I'm annoyed with her success.
Which doesn't seem fair, because I guess she's worked for it, and she lived in one of those families that parades their children around, and is just part of the "show circuit" as it were.
I'm highly annoyed that when she was my age, she was making six- or seven-digit paychecks, fucking Justin (come on people, you know he hitting her, baby), had the body of a goddess, had a legion of pre-pubescent girls (and adult men) fawning all over her, winning awards...
Ugh. I am making myself sick.
The point is, I have lived a wholesome, quality life, and I am highly annoyed that her hoochied ass is getting more for it.
I guess I worry that I am not much to show for the work that I have gone through.
I wonder if I would have sold out for the money that Britney is making. I also think that maybe society zap-fries little children into being these huge pop icons. I also pity the hell out of Britney, who doesn't seem to realize that no one cares about her or her "music", they care about the name, the body, the idea, and the buzz that it generates. So yes, I pity the poor twat.
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03-22-02 >> 9.24a
I am completely wasted. Allow me to tell you what I am going through:
I sleep 18 out of 24 hours
I have puked so much, I weigh 115lbs
My torso hurts from coughing
My nose is plugged
I've lost so much wieght I look like an Albino Somalian
I can't even hold a decent attention span
If I get horizontal, that's it
My eyelids are hot. My eyelids people!!
My hair...lets not go there.
TV...is not the end all.
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03-20-02 >> 4.41p
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I feel poopie. I want to take a nap.
In other news: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER
And...I might get a guest blogger (which now should really get him to put something up here.
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03-20-02 >> 10.24a
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I have forgotten what it is like to be posting blog entries when it is still light out. (Okay, relatively light because the weather is schmooky today.)
I think that I need to check and see these beginning-of-my-day blog entries more often. I thought that pitas was just jokin when he said that he ran out of server space. I had no idea that there were so many people logged on to pitas. ...And me linking to them isn't helping with the bandwidth, yo.
I have $100 burning a hole in my safe, and I don't know what to do with it. Originally, the Moms said that I was getting a checking account, which wasn't that traumatic for me, for the sheer reason that I could get everything that I wanted for my birthday. But now, I only have $100; and now I am thinking of all of the things that I want for my birthday.
Which makes the previously-owned, never-been-used gift certificate nearly the best damned thing I could get. At least he cared enough to sacrifice some of his food for me. ??
I think that I am getting better. My cough is going away, and so is my sore throat. So at least I don't have a fever, and might be able to force my way out of the house on Friday to go see the play. ...And my two best men in their tuxes.
Now, I just need the balls to take their pictures. I hate taking pictures.
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03-20-02 >> 8.10
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I have a terrible throat ache, which keeps me from talking to people...but then again, what's so bad about that? I coughed really, really hard (which I had avoided because I knew it hurt) and I literally felt like my right lung exploded. It felt like it...popped. I'm not joking.
And now, I am breathing like a gila monster, or like a crocodile growls. It's amusing -- or it would be, if I weren't in so much pain.
Gulich is avoiding me. I tried not to fark it up, but I farked it up. Go me...woo.
I'm not even going to bother coming in for my exams tomorrow. It's just not worth it.
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03-19-02 >> 10p
I think this might be a sign.
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03-19-02 >> 8.20p
You will marry JAMES BOND (most recently played by Pierce Brosnan) from the James Bond movies, live in many expensive penthouses filled with many girls and many martinis (shaken, not stirred), and spend your days driving explosive foreign cars and spying on villains with big egos and small brains. What's YOUR M * A * S * H future?
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03-19-02 >> 8.04p
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I'm so bored. So pitifully bored. I tried to take two naps today, but "World's Wildest Police Chases II" and then "Jeopardy" proved far too interesting to nap to.
I know it's blasphemy, but I think I'll just take a nap to watching "Buffy".
Talk about a whomper-stoming heachache. These headaches are becoming truly spectacular!! I just want to be healthy again. Being sick is so debilitating.
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03-18-02 >> 5.15p
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THere is a definite wierdness in my life: a fact which I am willing to admit to myself, even. But I don't see it as a detrimental wierdness. It's a wierdness that I like.
Just my whole relationship with him, rides on me not fucking this up. I'm trying not to fuck this up.
Since starting the pill, I have had a horrendous headache. And I had a terrible anxiety attack last night at 11:30, which wasn't fabulous, let me tell you. It was blech.
Todd is sick with something, and Gulich might have mono, or strep, or something equally unpleasant. ...Which makes me feel like Typhpid Mary. I just hope both of my boys get healthy. I want to see them at the play.
Wish me muchos good luck with my photography project. I don't even care if it relates to anything or not.
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03-17-02 >> 1.46p
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I'm not a person who likes to be too terribly emoitonal, at least not to certain people. It is hard for me to cry in front of people, I hate crying all toghether.
There are times when I will tell people things, but no one will ever really know the whole truth. I like this about me; I never have liked giving myelf entirely to another person. Because I knew that the things that are inside of me, no one can away from me. No one can rape my feelings, take them from me, mangle who I really am.
When I do cry in front of anyone, it's a big deal. Sometimes, I'll be sad, or in a funk, but I don't talk too much about the root of the problem, I just tell people that I am in a funk, and move on.
What drives me up the wall, to this day, is that Boyfriend can't handle me being sad. He gets mopey, and cries sometimes because I am sad. This makes me angry; because somehow, he is one of the few people that I can actally talk to about what's going on with me, and yet, when I'm sad, I have to comfort him and tell him it's okay.
And people half wonder why I don't like to talk about my issues. They always turn it in on themselves when I am the one who needs guidance.
Goddamn.
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03-17-02 >> 8.44a
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I'm 18 today, but I feel sad, so sad. Not because I am older and have so much more responsibility; but because I'm 18 and did nothing with myself.
I just want to sleep for the rest of the day: my bpyfriend is in Lorain today; Gulich is with him. John isn't online; I'm not getting nay presents today (not like that is a terribly, terribly thing).
When the party's over, the host is left alone, you know? I'm sad.
I want to go to sleep.
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OMG, it's today.... >> 12.15a
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I missed the "1 Day Till..." on my blog. Oh well, today is the day. I have turned 18 a couple of minutes ago.
Gulich isn't getting online either. Shitfuck. I really wanted to talk to him, too.
So the shindig that I threw for myself was okay...though I am not looking forward to cleaning up my mess. Or wait, other people's messes.
People were generally well-behaved, for the most part. Thank God. The only person that didn't seem to be able to keep behaved was that Janet girl. My GOD!!! Temptuous little vixen.
I need to talk, I wish Gulich were here. He might be able to help me with me. To sort me out. He is like me, he can fix me because I can't see me unless I am looking in a mirror.
Hey, good analogy.
Too bad he isn't online.
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2 Days Till 18 >> 10a
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At least my relationship with Cassandra is getting better. At least better than it was in November.
I am excited and in some severe trepidation about my party on Saturday. I just hope that Gulich is my "bodyguard" like he promised.
Mum went in for her double-biopsy today. I don't know what time it is starting at, or what time it is ending, but I have to go and pick up her car from the hospital. I don't know if I am picking her up, too, or not. I don't want The Moms to be all groggy and incoherent and bandages. I drive too crazily for a person recovering from surgery. I'll just let Dad take her home in the Lincoln...even though he likes to drive kamakze.
People keep asking me what I want for my birthday, and I don't know. Well, I do know, but what I would really appreciate is out of their price range. I want leather, knee-high, lace up boots; I want a satchel, I want a CD tower, I want "Interview with the Vampire".... I'm just really hard to buy for. I like dangly earrings, too.
Well, I should get going. ...Hey! It's been a long time since I wrote in this at school. How odd.
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3 Days Till 18 >> 4.14p
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I have never felt this incompetent before. Not really, at least: I know that there are things that need to be done (because it's the end of the quarter), but I can't really think of anything that needs to be done....
Which of course, raises the quesion: will I get it done? I don't know. Maybe.
I really don't think that I will get my Photography project done. Neither do some of the other girls in my vlass. Oh well, I am screwed. I never got Gulich to sit still and pose for me, and now I am paying for it in spades.
Drat. I think I should clean my room just to feel useful or something.
I need another nap.
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4 Days Till 18 >> 4.53p
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I don't like the idea of bachelor parties. I don't think that it's smart to get piss-drunk the night before you get married, and do something stupid, like feel up or have sex with a stripper. To me, it's not the type of thing I would want to bring into a marraige.
I don't like women bachelorette parties either, I think they are distasteful.
If men really want the "last single night experience", they would get really drunk with all of their drinking buddies, throw up a couple of times, get refused girls numbers, and wake up in their apartment, knowing they didn't get any.
Just like they did when they were single.
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5 Days Till 18 >> 8.16p
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I hate to say it, but I am getting so sick of a certain someone's blog.
I thought that it was cool, at first, that a celebrity actuall did his own weblog. But after reading it, it is just some actor futhering his agenda. And it bothers me, that people think he's so "down to earth" and he's really not. I just think that a lot of what he's doing is self-promotion, and I am annoyed that people get so chummy with a guy that probably wouldn't sit down to dinner with them if they asked.
Actually, I have a lot of friends that probably wouldn't sit down to dinner with me either.
This whole party thing seems so odd to me, The last party that I had given was at the end of 8th grade year, and even thought people had "fun," I think that they laughed at me behind my back,
I don't want that to happen again. Even though I have grown a lot since then, I still get very wierd about people laughing with me to my face and at me behind my back. I get very wierd about that.
I don't know what to do about this whole thing. I hate drama.
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6 Days Till 18 >> 8:28p
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YAY!!! NEW COMPUTER IS UP!!
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311 Day!! >> 7.10p
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I feel kinda yucky. My body rebells against food, it gets so mad at me. I hate overeating...blach.
WEll, at least the new computer goes up. five minutes and counting.
Thank God.
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03-01-02 >> 9.40a
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Cassandra worries that she might suffer from Sexual ADD.
What do you take for that? Sexual Ritalin?
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03-05-02 >> 7.10p
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Have I started working on my big english paper? No.
Have I gotten my new computer squared away? No.
Have I done anything productive today? No, not really.
I really am a lazy schmuck.
I have learned something about myself: no matter how "attractive" a mess might seem to me, I could never truly personally live in it. I can't take living with two computers half-assembled on my desk. Seiously, I think that I am beginning to have a mental breakdown because of it. I really feel distraught about this.
I think that this self-discovery is very important for me, and for my future college roomate if she values her life. If she lives in a mess, I will either a) clean her mess, or b) eliminate her mess by simply killing her.
It is that easy.
Lord...I hate being a procrastinator. With all my heart.
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03-04-02 >> 8:42p
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I had so much to say. And the minute I get into pitas...I lose it all.
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03-03-02 >> 6.33p
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I am supposed to have a dermatoligist appointment on Thursday or Wednesday of this week. I, needless to say, am loathing the whole expereince.
I have been going to the dermatoligist for two farking years, and I still get terrible cystic acne and acne that is fluid and under the skin and painful. I get awful acne around my periods, when I am stressed, and have scars all over, and red, icky blotches on my face. I look awful without makeup...I look awful with makeup on.
I've been put on about roughly six different prescriptions, all of which crap out at around the same time when I get my period and if I get stressed out. They just crap out, I mean, they never really clear up everything that is going on. And they are expensive.
The first dermatologist I went to was completely braindead...I mean, totally. She even looked vapid. I think in a world of medicine and hypochondriacs, the only thing that doctors feel they can do for their patients is give them drugs.
That's not what I want. What I want is some tips that I can use to work on my face. I want cleansers and recommendations and that sort of thing.
The other dermatologist treats me like there is nothing wrong with my face...like doctors treat PMS -- it can't possibly be as bad as I think. So he gives me a new prescription, and a cream of some sort, pats me on my head, and collects the $15 co-pay.
Nothing is working! And those assholes have gone to med school for god knows how long and all they can do for me is pump me full of antibiotics that don't work?! Hell no! They are paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to actually, physically do something for me.
Stop telling me that my acne is all in my head, or not that bad. It is that bad you cocksmack! It is that bad when I am ashamed of myself, when for the longest time I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror because I was so ashamed of how I look.
I'm almost 18 for God sakes, and I look like I'm a pimply 14-year old. This is getting annoying, and I want the farking dermatologist to do something!!
Cocksmacks....
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Saturday, March 2, 2002 >> 11.17p
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Seven Things I Am Happy About:
1. The cop that pulled me over let me off.
2. That same cop didn't smell the cigarette I had been smoking.
3. The great HTML book that I bought for 65% off at Canisius.
4. The great trip that I took to Buffalo.
5. That I got to see The Todds tonight.
6. That I am going to be 18 in two weeks.
7. That not a lot in life can really scare me anymore.
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Saturday, March 2, 2002 >> 11:19 a.m.
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I had tons of fun in Buffalo, and I really, really think that it is where I want to go to college, but if I look at Ashland, and I really like it, there is a better chance that I will go there: it's closer to Todd, and it's less money to pay.
I like this whole "go and come as I damn well please" and "living on my own"...it's fun, and I am good at it. I think I am ready for college and am at the point where I will do anything to get away from my parents.
While I was at the bookstore, I picked up a "Webdesign in a Nutshell" book for about 65% off, so I bought it. I think I am back on the road to designing webpages.
I can't wait to go to college. Now that I have visited my first college and know what I am in for...I don't think that anything can really scare me now.
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Thursday, February 28, 2002 >> 8.34a
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Well, today, I am off to Buffalo. Yay, and ick at the same time.
I'm the type of person who loved the "idea" of going to new places, but I don't like traveling. I would like to see all sorts of new places, and experience things. I still get a travelgasm when I think about all of the stuff that you can do in New York...
But I hate traveling -- I really, really hate traveling. I don't like being in cars, I don't like sleeping in beds that don't belong to me, I don't like being away from the people I love, and I hate car rides and plane rides -- neither of which agree with me.
So me going to Buffalo is kind of obnoxious. I'm excited about being on a college campus and seeing what a college is like, but I don't like "going" there, and I don't like being bored when I get there. I hpe the hell that they don't try to give us busywork so we can get the "whole college experience"...college is about having the un-busies.
But this is my first time this far east, and my first night alone in another city, and my first time on a college campus, and my first time that I will be a "grown-up".
I feel like I am going to puke.
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Wednesday, February 27, 2002 >> 5.20 p.m.
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What the hell are the odds that the day bfeore I am supposed to go to Buffalo, it snows like a motherluving BASTARD out?!
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Tuesday, February 26, 2002 >> 7.00p
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I could be studying for Biochemistry right now, I should be studying for Bio right now, but my computer came in. My dad cruelly put the disassembled peices in my room -- oh how I love a challenge.
So, whilst Buffy is on, I will be madly loading as many programs as humanly possible. Thank the goddess for ILT late arrivals...wheeee!
So yes, maybe by this weekend, I will be on a brand-new computer.
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Monday, February 25, 2002 >> 05:45 p.m.
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Testing, I hope to hell this looks normal. If not, I'm screwed.
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Name >> Julia
Age >> 18
Location >> Cleveland
Contact >> email; AIM
Links >>
BadKittie
beyond her heart
born magazine
come with me
disenchanted kingdom
dooce.com
geek mystique
life uncommon
picture this
quiddity
red head
scopophilia
small spiral notebook
snob hair
spike spotting [dot] com
through the night
twelve% beer
wil wheaton
archives
pitas
other pitas
host your pics
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antiperfect